Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 153 - Chris Porter

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

The very funny Chris Porter has a new special on YouTube 'There's No Money in Babies' but man he hates vegetables.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's the series Stephen King calls Scary as Hell Everything here is impossible But it's also real Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch Saving those children is how we all go home

From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus It's time for Breaking Red with Papa Hey! Don't you You know, hey, it's how we're going. Hey, it's time for Breaking Bread with Papa. Hey, don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey, everybody.

Welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. You're one-stop shop for all things, comedy and food. That sounds like a slogan of some sort. Comedy and food. All the good things in life. You know what we do here. We've got a great guest today. We have Chris Porter, very first.

funny comedian. He is really funny. He's got a new special out on YouTube right now called There's No Money in Babies. It's really good. It's really insightful. He's got a great style. He's a great guy. And

I ran into him at the airport. I'll tell more about the story when we get into it. But he's one of those guys who I just run into on the road all the time because he's always out there running around, killing it. And happy to have them on the program today.

My new book, we're all in this together, so make some room. Look at that. This is called the galley copy, advanced reader copy. It's available for pre-order right now. If you order it, and I hope you do, all you have to do is go to Amazon or wherever you find your books, and you pre-order. I'm trying to make a run and get some healthy response so we can make the New York Times bestseller list.

That is my goal. This is the third book I've written. I think you're really going to like it. We've gotten some good reviews already. We're all in this together, so make some room. You can go to Tompapa.com, look that up. And also, you can, while you're there, you'll see all of our new tour dates. We're coming to Newark, New Jersey, at the Performing Arts Center.

Huge show. We're going to be in Atlantic City. We're going to be in Cleveland. We're going to be in Cincinnati. We've got San Francisco. We've got St. Paul. We're everywhere. We added a whole bunch of great theaters, great dates.

So while you're at tompapa.com, you can look up all that good stuff. All right, this is a big, healthy dose of Chris Porter. So let's jump right in because I don't want to step on the stories that I want to tell you about me and Chris and what just happened. So enjoy Chris Porter. Oh, geez, we already started. That was a good organic beginning. We didn't even know. We didn't even get into it.

How crazy was that flight on Sunday? That was so funny. Did you see my tweet? No. I, I, I thought of the tweet beforehand, but I didn't want to jinx us. But after we got off the plane, I was like, I was on a flight with D.L. Hugley, Cedric the entertainer, Mazz Gibrani, and Tom Popper. I said, if that plane would have been down, I for sure would have been in the and others.

You know? No way. I would have. I would have featured my own death. I'm walking, I guess start walking on, and this is perfect that you're here, by the way. And your special is hilarious. Let me start, because we're going to go off into the weeds for a minute. Okay.

But your special is so good. Oh, thanks, man. I appreciate it. What's the name of it again? There's no money in babies. There's no money in babies. It's so good. I have so many things to talk about.

Okay. About the special, but everyone's got to go watch it. Done. So we're at American Airlines in Chicago. Yeah. Right. And it's early in the morning, the first flight out kind of thing. And you and I are, and I think this is the third time of run into you at an airport,

early morning, somewhere going somewhere. For sure. For sure. You're running somebody once and a while. We have three is pretty funny. Yeah. It's a couple of like American Airlines guys. It's like me, you, Guy, Torrey, Brad Williams, and D.L.

Right. And so I just got bumped up to Concierge Key, which is like that the highest. That's like, yeah. American Airlines, you have to be invited to it. I've been pining for it for years. And I just got it. So that was my second flight ever with it. And they like drive you around in a cart and stuff.

And like someone comes to meet you. Someone can meet you. Someone will, like, if you have a connecting, they'll, pick you up, bring you outside to a car, and drive you to the other thing. I haven't had that yet. I went to go to the lounge and I said, my pal Joey's, didn't have TSA pre, so he's coming through, can he come meet here? And she goes, yeah, but you know your concierge key, you should go to the flagship lounge

over by your gate. It was very fancy. I was like, well, of course I should. Yeah, of course I should. So I go over there. And then I text Joe. Joey's over there. And I told him to come.

And it was such, I almost got kicked out of concierge key because he doesn't travel a lot. Yeah. And he walks into the flagship lounge where I range for his name and everything with a bag of McDonald's. Yeah. Because if you think the admirals clubs, because I've been on the flagship lounge a couple of times. Yeah. That's full on like, it's 1987. Like it's full on.

on like the way it should be. Like everyone's dressed up. People are smoking. Like it's nuts. Yeah. Everyone's in like, like, the women all have like those like,

it's like a scene for madman. Yeah, like those Republican haircuts. You know what I mean? Those buffet kind of things. And he walks in, I was like, oh, you're going to get me kicked out of concerti.

Then he wouldn't eat it. I'm like, what are you doing? You got to get at it. You're like, what do I do? I said, eat it before,

just eat it quickly before the rich people smell it. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, I excuse myself from you because I have to board concierge key because it's, I just, so I say, I'll see you on the flight. Class welfare. So then there's a guy in front of me. I'm like, who is in front of me?

I should be the first guy on the plane. And it's a guy. I think he had a mask and glasses and a hat and he's walking, I think a St. Bernard. It's one of the most large, but also most beautiful dogs I've ever seen. Gorgeous. Yeah. But big. Like, he's out waist height.

Yeah. Walk. Almost as big as him. Yeah. Exactly. I'm like, wait a minute. D.L. And he turns, Tom, it's D.L.

Hughley. Getting on with a giant, he. Bigfoot. Everywhere. Every time I see D.L. on a flight, he has that dog. That's so funny.

And as a matter of fact, that's how I know it's D.L. behind the mask is because of that dog. I don't know D.L. I know the dog. So he slides into the bulkhead. Yeah. And we have a laugh. And then I.

I'm unloading at my seat. And then you come on. It's like, okay, so now we've got three comics. Yeah. And then as you're finding your seat, Maz Jabrani walks on. We're like, is this like every comedian in the world? And then, of course, the capper,

Cedric the Entertainer comes on. Yeah. In full regalia. Full St. Louis, hi, I'm Cedric. He might as well I had a name to have it said Cedric. Like, he was full on. A track suit. Yeah.

Cardinals hat just like just glowing. And everyone knew him. Everyone, we know him, he knew him. He sang hi to everybody. Dude, and what a nice guy to like every guy that walked on.

Everybody. You're the best. He was like, oh, thanks, man. I appreciate you watching. Go Cardinals. Yeah. He was great.

It was so cool. So we're literally sitting within four rows. We have five comedians. They were, I think I counted there were eight seats in first class and five of them were comics. So great. So, yeah. And there's so.

a funny thing of we're immediately, you know, six-year-olds. Yeah. Everyone's just talking loud. Like, we weren't doing bits or anything, but everybody was making each other laugh for a minute. Yeah. Making each other laugh, loud, inappropriate. It's like, these are the kids that get kicked out of class. And they're like, oh, do you all work together?

And like, no, I haven't seen this dude in four months. What up? Now, that's the thing I couldn't piece together because D.L. and Cedric, you know, they have all that history. Yeah. Were they working together that weekend on something? No, Cedric was coming from Milwaukee, he said.

Oh, okay. Yeah, Maws was coming from Madison. Right. You were in Chicago. I was coming from Lexington. I don't remember where D.L. was. Right. I don't think he ever said.

He was very quiet up front with his dog. Yeah. He didn't want to be associated with the rest of us yelling. No. He's like, I like you guys, but... Yeah, no, I'm going to sit back here with my dog. Dog gets worse. worked up sometimes. Yeah, so funny. How was Lexington? Lexington was great. What a, you know,

it's strange to have such an amazing club in a town that you would never think. Yeah. Would have that. Right. And comedy off Broadway, you know, has always been that. Yeah. And, yeah, it's one of the gigs that you look forward to going to. Yeah. So, and I just, and I did Nashville right before then. I got to do the Ryman. Oh, you did. Uh, with the kid rock comedy jam. What's that? They do it part of the Nashville comedy festival. It's just the first year Kid Rock hosted it like he came on. And this time he literally did a song and then sat off to the side of the stage where like most of people could just see him.

Oh, that's cool. And yeah, he just sits back there. He kind of curates who comes. Right. I've been, he's been a big supporter of mine for, I don't know, almost 10 years now at this point. And so, yeah, I did his cruise. He has a cruise. He had a cruise.

He was like, I did 10 years of that. We're good. But I did the cruise. And then one year he didn't want to be on a boat. So he did it in the Dominican at the Hard Rock, which, like literally weeks later was when they had the big poisoning scandal down at the Dominican. And I'm pretty sure it's because that the Kid Rock crews drank the island out of liquor. And they just had to come up with some.

something because it was all bootleg liquor. Is it, is it, yeah, it was crazy. It was insane. I remember it was all inclusive. And I ordered,

I got in after, I was the last person on the property. Right. And I know that because Kid Rock was on stage when I got there. And so after the Kid Rock show, I go and hang out with everybody and then come back to my room about, I want to say it was about two. And I ordered room service.

And they go, it's going to be about 90 minutes. And I was like, I think I can make this. I do. And so like 3.30 rolls around. I hide no hair of them. So about four, I go to bed.

At 6.30, there's a knock at my door. There's a phone call. And they go, Mr. Porter, your room service that you ordered is at your door. And I go, and I look at the clock. I go, I ordered that four and a half hours ago. And they go, yes, sir. And these two dudes walked in. They looked like they'd been to war.

Like they were just shaking. And you could just tell they'd been dealing with drunk. entitled rednecks for four and a half hours and uh because like this is their big you know this is their big deal and not only that everything's free like you know they just ordered eight of everything and just they're like just laying in a bed of wings probably and these dudes walked in and the sandwich was hot like it was obvious they they had just been for hours late yeah it was I didn't know he did that. I didn't know he had a comedy thing.

And yeah, so he did it like, he started it last year as part of the Nashville Comedy Festival. And, uh, and we did that. It was, I think the only two that returned from last year were me and Big J. O'Kerson. Yeah. And then, um, yeah. That's cool because it's just, Big J was just here. And, um, uh, you know, kid has, uh, he's very vocal.

Yes. in his opinions. But you guys don't match that. No. But I will tell you this, like, trust me, when I got, the way I met Bob was they booked me on the comedy, the, the cruise. Right. And I didn't know him from, I was never a huge fan of his or anything.

Yeah. And so my idea was like, I'll go to this cruise. Worst comes to worst, I'll write an article. Right. And then I got on there and you just read. realize it's a bunch of boogie-ass rednecks who have a lot of money and they love to be on this cruise and they get to hang out and Bob Kid Rock hangs out like he goes up he's like the first concert when you when you leave port and he goes he says hey I'm going to be hanging out until you

get weird and if you get weird I got a split so just act like I'm a person all I like like you're a person will hang out we'll have a good time and that's pretty much how it went I was a fan I I hosted, I was one of the hosts of Woodstock 99. No way. Like the bad one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you in the documentary? Very briefly.

Oh, okay. And it was insane. It was great fun and it got everything that you see. It was great fun and then got weird and then got really weird. And I would, they asked for some comics out of New York. And I'd only been doing it for six years. And me and Rich Voss went up there. Oh, yeah.

And there were a couple stages, and I was on the big stage, and I'm bringing Axe up, like, intermittently. I started with James Brown in the very beginning. Wow. And got to bring out Wyclef. And then, but everything was Kid Rock. Did you, now, hold on. And I'm sorry to interrupt.

Go ahead. Did you get to do, like, the classic MC thing where you go up to James Brown, go, how do you want me to bring you out? No, they were like, how are we going to start this thing? Oh, okay. And he's, and James Brown is in, like, a jumpsuit. I think it was purple or blue. And he's just standing stoically with his arms back a little bit.

And in full James Brown, and this place is going insane. He's the first act. Yeah. And the guys who were promoting it, like, someone go out and do someone say something. And I went out and I like said a little something. And they were like, at 100,000 people, the most insane energy, you know, I mean, just dealing with any crowd. Yeah. 100,000 people was bat shit crazy.

It was insane. But the whole thing was building up. It was, Kid Rock was, his album had been out. It was catching. Yeah. And he was going to come and hit the stage. And this was going to be, everyone just knew. Yeah, he ordained.

This is Kid Rock's moment. And when you ask if I'm in the documentary, one of the places that I freeze frame, you could see it on YouTube. I bring up Y Clef, you get like a good piece of me. Yeah. If you bring up the Kid Rock at Woodstock, there's a curtain where Kid Rock comes out

and I'm standing right next to the entrance of the curtain like this Hawaiian shirt and I'm just standing there like this and he just blows past me in his fur coat and his cane and all the. Oh man but I love that album and the band was so cool the drummer was great

everything was just great and he completely scored like he did exactly what he but exactly what everyone was waiting for him to do which was explode. And it was really, really insanely great. Now, over the, over time, uh,

everyone has the political views, whatever you got, you know, um, I just don't understand the, I just don't understand the, like, FU. Yeah. Uh,

part of it. Like, I get, like, I get not being told and I, the freedom of it. Like, I love that part. Well, the FU thing has always kind of been his st. He's always had a middle finger up. That's true.

And let me say this about Robert Ritchie, my friend Bobby. Yeah. He doesn't care. Like he doesn't talk politics when you're hanging out. Like that dude, he'll FaceTime Donald Trump and then two minutes later we'll FaceTime Rev Run. Uh-huh. Like he's friends with everyone. Uh-huh.

I have, you know, he's hung out with, he's recently hung out with Kanye. Right. Like the man The man himself Is friends with everyone And is a genuinely lovable person Kid Rock Loves to be

And I say this all the time The finger in the butthole of America Because some people love it A lot of people hate it Some people love it and don't like to admit it Yeah And so he does like to stir the pot He knows he has an army

You know with the last Bud Light stuff. Like, I didn't understand it. But we all have a friend or a family member that we don't agree with that we are like, why are you saying these ridiculous things?

What was his thing with the Bud Light? It was the trans thing. And it was just like, he shot up a bunch of Bud Light cans. Basically, I don't think it was so much. And again, I'm not speaking for the man.

Yeah, yeah. But from the man that I know, I don't think he's, he was speaking so much against trans people as much as being told how to think by a beer company. But again, I'm a guy that realizes that trans people are just people trying to fit into their own skin. Yeah. And, but. It's just so weird because he, like you say, he doesn't talk politics and he's not that guy.

And he doesn't have to be that guy. Like, he would, I don't understand the. Here's what I'll say. You don't understand why he does it kind of thing. Yeah, like he, like I, all in on Kid Rock. It was so much fun and so cool. And that F you, like, we're all on this together,

like, you know, screw the man kind of thing. Cool. But then, like, taking these kind of, like, difficult positions on things that are, that is kind of like a, like a crass FU. Yeah. In that, like, I just want him to be Kid Rock fun. Yeah.

I guess is what I'm selfishly saying. So what I think Kid Rock learned a long time ago, and again, I'm speaking about the character, the guy everyone knows from the internet. He learned that bad press is good press. And any press is good press, really. And so it's like, I even texted him afterwards, like, hey, man, what is this? What is this? Like, what are you doing? And he's like, I'm just stirring the pot.

Like he's just, and here's what it does. It gets him trending. Uh-huh. Gets everyone mad at him. Listen, Kid Rock's not changing anyone's mind about trans stuff or anything. Yeah. You either believe one way. And if, if you're on the fence about it, you're definitely not going to Kid Rock for your deciding vote.

No. So, and that's, and that's what I tell my more progressive friends. It's like, the people that are up in arms about are going to be up and arms about it. And they, but no one's changing their mind because of this video. Right. And Bob knows that. Yeah. And so, but what it does is it gets his name trending and blah, blah, blah, blah.

And now his fans may not have been listening to Kid Rock for a while. You know, just how all of our, I love the Rolling Stones. There are months that go on where I don't listen to them. Right. But then I hear a stone song and now I go down the rabbit hole. Right. And now, so now Bob Spotify spins come up. Right.

And so it's all just, it's just, he laughs all the way to the bank with all this stuff. Because now all his shows are selling out. And again, he hasn't changed anyone's mind. Now, the big fear, and I presented it to him, was, aren't you afraid of someone shooting up a gay club and a kid rock t-shirt? And then, and he's, you know, he didn't really respond to that. Yeah. And that is the thing.

When you have, when your, when your fans are so passionate. Yeah. And it just takes somebody off feeling that it's, yeah, it's, yeah. That's when it gets weird. That's when it gets weird. But I also think Bob, for better or worse, has faith that his fans aren't that evil. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you know, look, you can celebrate, you know, you can celebrate stuff without saying F you to certain groups. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Like, I just as a dad, walking around a tourist spot, I don't need to see guys with FU Biden shirts. Oh, yeah. I don't need to see it. For sure. I think it's brought just every day hanging out to this crass, like disgusting level. And please don't take my explanation of my friend's actions as a defense.

Look, I totally, I have friends too that are complicated in the same ways. And it is complicated because you know the person. Yeah. And then you see what they're doing out in the media. and it is complex because you know at the heart, you know people. Yeah. But it's just that anything that,

anything that ramps up the, the vitral. The vitrile, the vitrile, especially American to American. Yeah. In the culture, that's when I want them to pump the brakes. And I'm 100% on your side with that. We're not, we're like, we're against each other politically or on an issue or whatever you got.

Cool. Yeah. The cancer that. that we're fighting against, I think, right now, over the last maybe six years is calling our brothers the enemy. Yes. That's new. For sure.

And I think, you know, along with people like my friend on both sides. Yeah. But probably more towards this side. I think the 24 hour news cycle, I think, is what is a huge contributor to And it's a big part. And it's because it's like, hey, man, the news takes about 15 minutes to tell. Yeah. And the rest of it, you're just telling us how to feel about it.

100%. And I think that's when, and that's what I think has occurred lately. When Don Lemon and Tucker Carlson went down on the same morning. Yeah. It was like, my shoulders like relaxed. 100%. Because they are the same guy on both sides. Exactly.

On either side. Just. eye rolling, putting opinion into news, ginning up their anger. You have a great, and this is a good segue. This is why I'm hosting this show. You have a great bit about politics being, what do you say, college sports now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You say your sports, like you get your team. Everybody's got a team. Everyone's got their team, and it's not about thinking things through. No. It's just your, what do you say? Because I was thinking about this concept, and I couldn't really articulate it,

but you said something about your, everybody's got a t-shirt. Right. And you're kind of yelling the same things. And your friends, your friends on politics, you're like, your friends aren't,

oh, with high school, right? When you say that, you didn't, my friends don't have the, your friends don't have the answers. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Oh, you barely, I say you don't have the answers. You barely got out of high school. When they gave you the answers. When they gave,

because that's what high school was. Monday through Thursday, here are the answers. And then Friday, you tell us the answers. Right. And 60% of you were like, do.

Right. Yeah. And now you're not, so why would you turn to those same people and be like, so what are your thoughts on immigration? Well, I mean, and Facebook is such a great tool for that because like, you, you're Facebook friends with all your high school buddies. Yeah. And you know how dumb they were in high school. And then you get on there and they're the ones that are like, let me tell you how it should be. And you're like, you didn't even know how it was.

So, yeah. I mean, and I'm from the like rural, social. suburbs of Kansas City. Like I didn't have a farm, but many of my friends did. Yeah. So I'm very much on that cusp of, look, man, fiscally, I'm pretty conservative. I just, I feel like no matter what your color is, you shouldn't be shot by the cops for no reason. Yeah.

And, but, uh, but I have a lot of friends that just, I'd say 80% of the people how much high school would still probably live in the district or at least in the, the league that we grew up. Right, yeah. So, yeah. I haven't seen a lot. Yeah. And look, it's gotten to, it's gotten so cable news is a big part of it. The leaders of exploiting it. The internet is, it's so bad.

Yeah. To be able to vilify people and make them like the mortal enemy. Like the funniest moment on a flight, maybe in the last three years. As I was sitting up front and, you know, it's 6 a.m. And I'm sitting on the flight and this old white man's talking this young black girl. but you know 25 26 and they're just talking about the news and they're both talking about how

and they're like oh I can't just the vitriol and the opinions I can't deal with it and this old white man goes I found I finally found a news place that just tells it like it is there's no opinions it's on the internet it's called Newsmax

and like the entire cabin just like turned around and like the cabin the captain stuck his head out of the talk me like what did you just say yeah like all this dog barked also in the airplane has a mechanical failure all the lights come on oh my god yeah i don't think uh i don't know i don't it's just i don't see a way out of it because people are just it's given them identity it's given and that and that's the that's the problem it's like our identity wasn't that before like you know it wasn't politics was something

you didn't even talk about with your friends and family like it was yes it was politics and religion and if you're not going to talk about it because it's too sticky yeah now we're leading with it and making t-shirts about it or just it's cold opening with it you'll be at dinner and like fucking Biden or whatever you're just like man we we didn't even order our apps yet right here it comes yeah Yeah, based on no information, just based on propaganda. But you also got to hope that it's cyclical because, I mean, there was definitely a time in the early 1900s of like yellow journalism. Like there's definitely times when before where the press has gone nuts

and we kind of reeled them back in. And, you know, before what was it, 85, 86, there was a law that said, you know, if you're going to, you have to tell both sides of the story. And then we got rid of that. news became commercialized. Because of cable. Yeah. Cable doesn't have to do that.

And so, well, so, you know, eventually it's like, do cooler eds prevail and we go, hey, yeah. We need to do this for our own sanity? Or do we just keep going off until. Yeah. I mean, eventually that you have to get over, like a generation has to get to a point where you're just like, I'm not doing that anymore. You're all in the same spot.

You're in the same team ultimately. Yeah. So like, why would you? like this is we want to make all of this better and easier we don't want this to be more hassle well and it's not even it's not only that but it's like oh the russians are hacking you they're like oh but they're not hacking you no not ever right they've never we're not they're not giving us any false information right just you but also did you hear by this an alien You know, you're just like, you have to have some semblance of,

here's what I think is missing from us as a country is the acceptance of the fact that you could be wrong. Just no one believes that anymore. There's no possibility they're wrong. When you hear somebody say, oh, yeah, good point. I guess I was wrong. It's actually like, whoa. Yeah.

You just became my friend. Yeah, right, right, exactly. Yeah. As opposed to a lot of people, you can corner them and they'll just pivot the argument. And you're like, well, that's not even what we were talking about. Right. You just try to slither away like a salamane. I love your joke about the vaccine, about, you're like, whatever.

You're into it. You've got problems with it. Yeah. It's all worth talking about. But they're not chipping us. Yeah. There's no, they're not putting the chip because you've already been chipped. Yeah, it's your phone.

It's your phone. And when you say you, you buy a case for your chip. Yeah. It's such a great line. It's really true. Yeah. Voluntarily chipped up. Yeah.

Everything about you. Your purchasing power. Your location, your interactions, your secrets with your friends and family. We've given it all up for convenience. All of it. Yeah. There's nothing. You didn't have to have a vaccine.

But also I have, like we all make fun of it. But I have. no problem with it. Yeah. Like, I'm like, take all of my information. Like,

I'm literally, Pot's legal now. There's, you got nothing on me, Holmes. Right. Exactly. I'm paid up.

I got no debt. Like, here we go. Yeah. You took the one thing I was sneaking around. I just want to be able to pay with my watch.

Right. Yeah. I still have hesitation with the, uh, tapping my credit card for some reason it's like, oh, I see now for some reason and I might be ignorant.

I feel like that's safer. Oh, it's safer. I'm just incompetent in doing it. I totally spazzed dad out. I'm just like hitting it and it's not taking and the girls rolling her eyes. And I just for some reason, that activity. Oh, yeah. I have no confidence. Once I get in the airport, I'm all Apple Watch. You are. I'm like, beep, beep, beep. Really? Uh, boarding pass. Pay stuff. Boarding pass. Boarding pass. Admirals club. For real? Oh, yeah, buddy. Really? Yeah. I should do it. Dude, it's, yeah. The, Only time it sucks is when they have the one that's like over and under. That one you have to use your phone for.

Right, right, right. But if it's just the flat one, beep, poop. Yeah. Buying stuff at Hudson News. Yeah. Put your Amex on there and just punk. Really? Yeah, buddy.

That's a nice watch. What do you wear in that? This is a tag. That was my third place finish on last comic standing reward to myself. Nice. One of, yeah. That's great. Do you like watches?

I do. This is the only nice one I have. It's beautiful. Thank you. It's because it's like, it's quality, like it looks classy. It doesn't look like ostentatious or. Yeah, I wanted to get one that was like classic. Yeah, it is.

Just kind of evergreen, mainly because I knew I probably wasn't going to be able to afford another one for quite some time. It's so. My one nice watch is an IWC. Okay. And I got it for like some TV things, like a show that I got. and yeah and I was like have I been too stingy with myself I feel like I've achieved things since then yeah can I get another watch

I was I was I was at like a youth Rolex place and I was like you you should own property before you get another one of these and I was and I just kind of literally put my hands up like I'm not even going to touch him anymore I need to be I need to after I talk to the real estate guy and then I'll do it then yeah you took third and last what year was that I was 2006 2006 I moved out here in 05 wow and uh from Kansas from Kansas got on TV and oh six was like oh this is easy yeah this is so easy and then then there was the reckoning Who was hosting it?

Anthony, it was the one year Anthony Clark did it. Oh, cool. And, uh, yeah, he was, he was a wild card. I haven't heard that name in a long time. He got into real estate and other things. And, uh, he was so funny. He was very funny. He was really naturally.

He was a loose canyon. Yeah. Which are the worst kind of canyons. Those canyons are the worst. Uh, he was a loose canon. Right. Yeah. I don't know if you ever hung out of the improv in the late,

2000s. But him and Swordson would just tear that place apart. Right. Like they were like Norman, Norman, who's the other one? Cliff on Cheers. Right. You just walk and they were there every night. Hammered.

Hammered. Yeah, I do remember. You're like, it is 530. We're just here to set up. It's already there. I do remember that. I remember there's a lot of drinking. Yeah.

But he got an early TV show and he was just so naturally funny. And so he's out of the game? I've seen hide nor hair of him. And I would say 10 years easy. Easy. Yeah. Yeah. So he was hosting.

He was hosting. Gabriel, you know, it was here Gabriel Iglesias was on it. Josh Blue won it. Yeah, nice. And I just remember going, oh, Gabriel's, you know, we were in the, I made it to the house. Yeah. And it was very much like, I just happy to be here kind of situation. I mean, I was a feature act on the road.

Wow. And I was, you know, I was that, and I'm sure you were there too where you were that feature act. And they're like, we'd headline you, but there's no reason for people to come see you. Right. They just don't know you. Yeah. Yeah.

And so, you know, that kind of got me on that, you know, headlining train. And, uh, that's good. But yeah. So it was, but yeah, I remember being in the house looking at Gabe, just being like, well, maybe third. Right. Maybe I can get third. And then Gabriel got ejected or removed because he was using his cell phone.

Oh, right. And I just remember we, him, me, Josh Blue and Ty Barnett had this like weird like casino-esque meeting in the bathroom where we literally, because we're all might. And so we all had like the water on and we're like flushing the toilets. We're like, what's happening? What's going on? He's like, they call me on my phone. I was talking to my girl. they think I was talking to writers

and we're like that's bullshit and uh talking to writers yeah and we're like you know game doesn't have to call writers he's one of the most naturally funny people on the planet and uh so they let him go and then and then Josh Blue you know we all thought we had a chance

and then I remember the first live show there were five of us the finals and they did the opening announcements and like they said Chris Porter and like the crowd went nuts and I was like yeah. When they said Josh Blue's name, I thought the roof was going to come down. Really?

It was, in that, in that moment, you're like, oh, okay, we're all playing for second. Right, right. So, yeah. Oh, interesting. It's a good crew. It's a nice crew that's still working. Yeah, it's a great crew. And I'll tell you what, our group were one of the few that got along.

Mm-hmm. Like, season five and six, I don't think, like, I know Eliz and Jeff Dye still. still hate each other. Oh, really? Or maybe they've gotten over it since then. But, uh, but, like, we would like have a big group hug before the, before the, you know, because we all kind of, yeah, we all knew it's like, we can't play defense. Right.

Just go out there and have a good time. But also, if you could suck a little bit, that'd be pretty cool. Right. Exactly. Well, that was the, that was the upsetting part of, of the show was like, you're taking the art that we're involved in. Yeah. and making it a contest and pitting us against each other.

Like that part is like, all right, this could get ugly and why are you doing it? And knowing the producers were manipulating it somewhat. Yeah. That part, it's like it, it pokes at the purity of what we do. For sure. So, but ultimately, it was good for everybody involved. Yeah, it was good. It was good for the art.

It was just because it was like, oh, right, stand-up comedy. Yeah, exactly. On network. Yeah. Got people back. It's been a beat since they. they've had it. Yeah,

I mean, it's, I think it was one of those things. It was mishandled so many times. I'll be, like, I genuinely think our season's one of the few seasons they got right, where it was just kind of like,

none of the challenges were ridiculous. Yeah. Uh, they were all pretty great, um, and all very stand up oriented. Uh, and then like later,

I remember one season, they had two hour episodes. Oh, wow. And you're just like, yeah, I'm a comic. I don't know.

And I know these people. And I'm still bored. And they're like, they're in boxing gloves and they're doing, and I'm like, this doesn't, someone let an intern right or something. And, uh, but yeah. So, you know, you hope it would get in the right hands and maybe make a comeback or some facet of it. I just, they always try to make an American idol towards the end and you're like that.

It'll never be that. No, exactly. Because in music, you can operate in every emotion. I know. comedy's anger, frustration. That's kind of it. And pay and always for the laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Always for the laugh. There's no, there's no story. Yeah. We're all kind of miserable. Do you ever feel like stretching out and going for something other than the laugh or are you? So I do, I've been starting to do one of my best friends as a guitarist for Shinedown. His name is Zach Myers. Oh, nice.

And, you know, I play a lot of music on the side. Oh, you do? And so we've been. You guitars too? Yeah. And I can sing all right. And so we've been doing a thing. We've done it twice called the Camp Fire Astronauts,

where it's him and I telling stories. He does a little stand-up. I do a little stand-up. But we just kind of bill it as a night in our living room. It's just kind of a hangout session. But we play covers. So we've been doing a lot of that. And that's been really good for my soul.

Yeah. So, yeah, I've been enjoying branching out. And like, it's also a stage I'm incredibly uncomfortable on. Uh-huh. So it's like, it's fun to be on that stage and be like, don't look up. This sucks. You know. Yeah.

Because this is really scary. Yeah. But then when you get the moments at work, you're like, this is what we're doing. Right. And, you know. And is it, is it mostly for expressing yourself some other, in a different way or for a different result? Uh, it's expressing myself in a different way.

and for a different result. Like, I really feel like the Chris Porter standup guy is not a complete representation of Chris Porter the person, nor should it be. You know, that's not really what we're up there for. You know, there are standups that are and got, you know, Steve Simone's like the best at that. Right. Like you watch him and not only your life, you're kind of falling in love with this dude. Right. You know what I'm saying?

And it's just like, like even on this, I think, on the last special, I said, like, this is an extension of me. This isn't me offstage. Offstage, I'm a pretty happy guy. I'm not this angry normally. And so, when on, you know, the campfire astronauts is more me. It's more just like the happy go lucky. Like, here's me telling stories. Yeah, yeah. And then I can kind of, you know, we sit down for that. And so then when I go to stand up for those shows, like, I stand up and it's kind of like, okay, now I'm back into the Chris Porter that you know. Right, right, right. And then now. Now here's, now here's desperado.

Yeah. You know, so. How close, how close do you think? Because I don't, I don't find your comedy. It's more angsty than angry. Yeah. Like you don't have like a real like rage, rage. Like it's, you know what I mean?

Like, they can get there. Like, yeah. Like when you're, when you're going off, it's all super funny. But when you're going off, it's, um, uh, I think you see. your essence more than you hear the words. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, I appreciate that. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, oh, I, I, I know who this guy is. Yeah. You know, which I think comedy, comedians at their best, you kind of get that feeling as soon as they get up the stage, you kind of know who they are in a way. Yeah, the really good. And I think that, yeah, I think it just comes from years of doing it and being so comfortable that this is, you're no longer this different entity walking up.

there. You may not be showing them everything, but you're not guarded like when we start. Oh, yeah. Right? Which is, you know, and it's funny when you, it's hard to teach young, you know, when young comics are like, oh, I'm so nervous. And you're like, well, you know, for us, it's just so easy. You're like, well, don't be. Right. Like, just relax. Like, that doesn't matter. Like, if you eat it, it still. Yeah. You know, that's what I tell. I'm like, even if you have the best set of your life tonight at Bar-Lubich. like nothing happens. Right.

So maybe go in with that. Yeah. That just, that never works, by the way. It just makes it worse. Right. But then you just start to realize you're like,

yeah, like, oh, maybe I'm not a great coach. Right. But it's true. I mean, ultimately the only thing that's happening

is you're getting a little better. Yeah. Good or bad. And the experience is going to, you're going to learn a little something tonight. And the more you do it, the less you give a shit, I think,

as far as like what the end result's going to be because you know once you fail enough you realize that it's not the end of the world yeah it sucks while it's happening right but eventually you'll you know you'll probably learn more from that set than you'll learn from 10 really good ones right exactly so you have such funny stuff in the in the special about uh about your parents how old were your parents when 24 they were 24 yeah because i don't know if you mention it in there, if I already missed it, but just their attitude, I was like, oh, they're young folks, their young. Yeah. Yeah.

We go all that stuff about kind of juxtaposed against parents now who, it's kid first. Oh, yeah. And every activity, every, the whole family schedule is just on Timmy's Little League schedule. That was not my parents. And your parents is being honest and tired. And I'm not, Chris. No. No.

I'm not doing any of that. No, I have plans. Right. I'm not going to make that. You should have told me earlier, I would have, but we're going to the lake. Like my parents went on a bunch of vacations without me. Like that's unheard of now. Right.

You go to a vacation and my parents, most of the vacations were without me. But, and looking back on it, you're like, of course. Yeah, they're 20 sex. Yeah. Go. Go have fun. And I think that's also why me and my parents still. are like best friends right is because they were always parents first friends second but also

protective of their lives yeah they're like i'm not you're my kid but it took care of their happiness yeah i'm gonna yeah i've got friends you know it's like the line and the i have friends and they were here before you right i love that line yeah it's really true they were here before you and my dad was very much, you know, my dad until I was 35, if he reached for a glass in the center, yeah, if he raised, you know, and it was just, you know, that's, you know, that's, you know. Oh, I love when you talk about the, about, you see all these parents out there who are traveling with their kids on, uh, the travel ball teams, the travel ball teams and gymnastics teams and all that. And when you said, I, I, I, I, you know.

know you're out there because I stay in the same hotels as you. Yeah. We, Joey, we were just in Grand Rapids and it was us and 700. Gymnastics or dance? Oh. Cheer.

I don't know. But they're equal. Those three are the equal because not only that. And the moms. Moms. The dads are just beaten. The dads are. There's nothing there for their dance.

Nothing there for the dads. The moms are drunk. The dads are drunk. Yeah. We saw, I was in another one in Pittsburgh, and the moms came in. I was just getting a bite to eat at the bar, and it's packed, you know, the bar was the only place to sit. And these moms came in, and I mean, like, gunslingers, shots, chardonnays. By the time I was done eating a burger, they had like six drinks in them.

Yeah, well, they had to get back. Just to deal with these tournaments. Could you imagine me these umpires at these, or these, any sort of official at these events. Oh, my God. Where these parents have been drinking for three days. I know. And it's the seventh week in a row.

They're tired of everybody. These girls have just their hair's tight. Oh. And their makeup. And everyone's over. The kids don't want to do it anymore. The parents don't want to do it anymore. But they're four grand in at this point.

So they just have to. And you can't get on the elevator to get to your damn gig. And they're all looking at you because you smell like pot. Like you're the problem. Like, man, we're in a hotel. This isn't a dorm. God, it was so funny.

It's really been a rash of that. Well, we're getting into summer now. Yeah. So it's going to be real bad. Like, I took, I started taking July off. You did? Yeah, just because. That's smart.

I go pretty hard in the paint. Yeah. As far as, I probably do like 40 weeks a year most years. Yeah. And, you know, I just, I feel like regular people work 50. Yeah. So, and the fact that I get to do two, you know, three nights a week and an hour, a clip. Yeah. Like, I just, might as well put in the work.

Yeah. Yeah. But also, it hurts a lot. Just, you know, you start to wear down. And, but then, you know, July, especially late June, July, people are out. It's hard to get people inside. You don't even want to be inside. No, you're right.

It's, yeah, but like late summer, they've done all the outside. They've done all the outside. The travel ball starting to wind down. And it's starting to get hot enough to where they don't want to be outside. Right, right. Yeah, that's right. I've started doing that. That's smart.

It's really kind of helped my mental health. Yeah, that is good. Although last- What happens when they call and they're like, Chris, I got a gig, July 15th, pays such and such. You'd have to pay like three times my normal quote. All right, good for you. Like, I have a number, but it's, you're going to have to pay a lot. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's good. But like, even this year, you know, it was supposed to be from mid-June to mid-July, but my agent's like, can you just go third week to third week? Because we already have this thing. And I'm like, yeah. Like, I'm not going to be a dick about it. Yeah, exactly. I like that you filmed in Portland.

I really like that helium in Portland. All the heliums are great. I know. You know, well, you know, I just think there's been a great expansion of some great clubs. The heliums. the guys that do Spokane, Tacoma, they did Bricktown and, you know, anywhere where they have that certain logo, that's their club. Just, it's nice to see, not that the funny ones and the improvs aren't great.

Yeah. Because they are amazing, most of them. And, but it's just nice to see, it's good to see everybody growing. Totally. And I just, I have a real fondness for that club because I was going back to that one during the pandemic. Yeah. Like when they had like 10 tables. Yeah.

And I got me on a plane and it got me to a city where everyone was saying, don't go. And yes, of course, you should go. Yeah. And the people were so great. And then to come back and they had a little more. And then now it's regular. It was, I just have a real fondness for those people. Least favorite place to eat, though.

I'll tell you about it. Well, I was thinking about that. I think I say something about it on the special. You say lunch was tough. Lunch was tough. Yeah, it's just, look, man, I'm a, if there's anything I took from Kansas, it's my palate. And I have to explain it to women when we first start dating is just like, hey, I'm a pretty straight up vanilla guy. Yeah.

I don't eat vegetables. That's the one thing you're going to have a problem with. Zero vegetables? Corn, peas, carrots. That's about it. That's about it. And I know corn doesn't even count. Yeah.

Corn's like there's zero nutritional value. It just... Yeah, just call it a vegetable. Yeah. But it's zero. Peas and carrots, pretty much. And really, cook carrots you can just F-ride off with. I have no issue.

I want nothing to do. I want raw carrots and I want a bunch of ranch dip. Broccoli? Oh, one of the top five offenders. Asparagus? Also up there. Brussels Sprats is number one. one green beans i remember she hates the story uh i was on one of our first dates with my

girlfriend and we're driving back from the uh malibu mastros and she had brought the brussels home and like halfway into the drive i'm like and i just kind of give her this look like did you just and then i went oh it's the brussels sprouts and she goes did you just think i've afforded and I was like no no of course not of course never I when I was a kid my mother made me Brussels sprouts and I remember throwing them up into my little football garbage can and it was metal so you're like hearing it hit the and I don't think I was like throwing up I was literally just getting the Brussels sprouts hole out from my intestines out into the into the there's nothing else just went in and out

Oh, I remember my mom used to like, however she cooked them, like everyone's telling me like, that's the worst way to cook them as far as smell goes. And it would just fill the house. And she'd be like, do you want some of these? I was like, I haven't wanted those for an hour and a half. Yeah. Oh, so gross. That's so funny. I'm trying to think of another one that you would hate.

I remember my step-grandma put onions in the burger, like in the patty. Uh-huh. and I was livid. threw it in your grandmother's face. I bit into it. I spit it out and just, and I was 16, I think at the time,

and I went off on this curse-ridden tirade where my mom's like, Chris, because they were pretty cool, like by that point, like with the language. Yeah. But she's like,

you need to calm down. I'm like, you need to calm. I think it was like my first stand-up bit because I'm like, onions at best are 50%. That's a 50%. That's a 50%.

approval rate and you're just going to shove them in there you're just going to shove them in there and my dad's crying laughing and my mom's trying not to and i was so mad and and my my rate my dad's mom used to do that she would like try to just uh hide vegetables in there and not tell me and as soon as i bit down and and now i have this like legit instinctual like if i bite down like if i get a cassidia at Taco Bell, there's like a piece of lettuce in it, and I bite down on that. It's all, like, I've Googled it, and they're like, that is from a traumatic childhood experience. And so I'm like, I know exactly what that's true. I love the idea of you at 16 being so out of your mind that your parents are like, calm down.

Just sound like, just calm down. And these were the same parents that at 70, you know, they had made me this deal in high school. they're like if you don't drink or do drugs through high school yeah uh we'll buy you a car when you graduate and uh even in even as a kid like you realize at least i did i realized high school was a finite experience at least i hoped it was because it was a horrifying experience for most part but yeah uh and uh so i was just not drinking and not doing drugs and so i would i worked a best buy and i would come home and i would rent you know you'd go to blockbuster rent movies and i had this great sound system in my room

Nice. And I just remember one day, it was a Friday at like 6 o'clock. My parents came in my room. They're like, can we talk to you? Like, yeah, it was my junior year. And they go, yeah, when we were in high school, your age, we were out every weekend, having fun with our friends, you know, having a good time. And I was like, well, I want the car.

My friends are getting drunk. I've hung out with my friends when they're drunk. They are not fun. They're really stupid. And so I'd rather just hang out here. And then my parents went and had like a sidebar and came back in. They're like, okay, you can drink. Wow.

But you got to stay at your friend's house. You drink and drive deals off. But if you want to go to your friend's house, get drunk, stay at your friends. We got no problem with that. We just don't want some loser son. Yeah. That ends up, you know. Yeah, drugged out and messed up.

Just because he has no, he has no friends. But he also, we don't want him to be a drug at it. It has a brand new car. You don't have at least one friend. Yeah. So, and that's, and I just remember showing up to high school that money and being like, it's on. Let's go.

Is it Friday? Is it Friday? I'm drinking Monday. I'm drinking Tuesday. Who's let me stay at their house? Who's got an alcoholic dad I can party with? Did you, did you like it right away? Um, it took me a while to figure out what I liked.

And I think, like, like a lot of us. do you drink your way through like I'll never touch vodka again because of high school. That was a mistake. I'll never touch rum again because of right after high school. That's my gin. Yeah. Yeah, gin. I've drank my way to, I only drink at this point.

And I don't drink real often. Yeah. It's just really nice tequila. Yeah. I was just talking about that this morning. Yeah, like a 1942 or a Claise Azul, like somewhere in that range. It's amazing how classy tequila has become. Yeah.

Pretty recently. Very, like, the pandemic really hurt that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was buying bottles of 1942 for 90 and bottles of Clazay Azul for 60. When no one knew what was going on. Right. When I was the guy, I was the hip guy. Yeah.

Hey, you should try. They're like, what is this? A joking jacket. Yeah, yeah. And the sombrero. Playing records. Yeah. And now.

Everyone knows about it. Yeah. And a lady and I were talking about this the other night. I will, 19942 is not as good as it used to be. Oh, just because I think they're making it in such massive. And I just don't think you can age it the way you need to or the way the other stuff was.

Right. But now, I mean, again, that $90 bottle is now 200 some places. Whoa. And a bottle of a closet that was 60 is now equal to that. Jeez. And it's just crazy to have watched. Crazy. And now, but now the good thing is you can get them at Costco.

Right. For like a little less. Like 1.30 if you're lucky. And I'm also, I look like a giant alcoholic when I'm at Costco because if they have it, I'm just like, what's the limit? And now people show up and they're like, oh, you're the one with all the 1942. And I'm like, you never know when we're going to have to lock down again. I've never had it.

It's really good. You know, I akin to Scotch in that the fun. finer stuff you sip with some ice. Some do it neat. Yeah. But you don't want to beat it up a whole lot. Yeah. You're not putting it in a blender.

Yeah. No umbrellas needed. Right. Really. And, but yeah, and also, you know, it's an easier hangover. I'm not going to say no hangover. It's an easier hangover. And I guess they say it keeps you skinny because the Inejo doesn't have as much sugar.

Oh. Which shows how shitty the tequila was. When we were in high school. Oh, yeah. Because those hangovers were. When you were getting like Sir Greg's tequila. Yeah, or just like cheap quervo. Oh, yeah.

Or everyone's like, oh, when you walk into a place and you're like, do you have good tequila? Like, we have Patron. And you're just like, well, I guess I should have known better at a Buffalo Wild Wings. That's on me. But at the time, I remember that was like the classy one that you would get at the party. Oh, if you got 1800, yeah. Girls were like, oh, he must have gotten a bonus this week. Right.

dad has money. But those hangovers were brutal. Oh, the Captain Morgan hangovers were the worst. Yeah. And I just remember, even in my beer drink, my heavy beer drinking days, in my late 20s, and I talk about this sometimes on stage, the thing to do was, like, we thought it was hilarious to just go by the table a bunch of car bombs, Irish car bombs, which for those of you that don't know,

it's a little bit of Bailey's, a little bit of Jameson, you drop it into half a Guinness and you drink it. It's supposed to taste like chocolate milk. It just tastes like it does. Right. And, but you do that four or five times a night on top of whatever you're drinking. Right.

Yeah, that's the fun extra. Yeah, yeah. And then you wake up the next morning, literally feeling like death. You're just like, please kill them. Like shivering on the floor. Every breath is more of the alcohol. Yes.

And they're like, do you want food and you're like, I don't even want to hear that word? And like, and now I look back at that and at 44, if you brought me an Irish car bomb, I'd leave. Right. I'd be like, oh, we can't hang out. This is a different party. I was in a cigar bar, the Soho cigar bar in New York. Okay. It's a great place.

And I've been going there for a long time. So the owner who wasn't there, heard that we were there. and was like being very kind to us. And at the end of the night, like I'm with my buddies, very civilized, scotch. You know, we'd already been out and had some drinks at dinner, you know, like grown up, but drinking. Yes.

And we've paced ourselves, it's now late. We've had cigar head, scotch face. We're done. Yeah. Check please. And she comes over with a bunch of Jameson shots. Yeah. and when you're 20 and someone comes up with like here's free shots the owner says we have to have

whoo and we're like every one of us we were going to do it yeah she was cute and they were nice and we're all holding them just like god damn it yeah i know it's just ruined my tomorrow this is going to ruin my tomorrow i'm gonna be now i'm gonna throw up right yeah i was uh we were we were in Vegas at one of those ridiculous ridiculous pools. And my buddy has made a lot more money than anyone I know. And we're sitting there. And it's one of those situations where you have, it's just bottles.

Right. There's no glasses of anything. So we get a bottle of Claudez-Zoul and this little girl comes over and she, and I say little girl because I'm 44 and she's 22. Right. And she walks over and she was like, who wants shots? And we, I was like, no. I was like, we don't want shots.

I go, I'm 44 years old. I don't do shots. You would have thought I called her the C word. Like she did not speak to me the rest of the day. I apologize to her later. She was not having it. Because she was like, well, I'll go F myself then. And I was like, wait 20 years, bitch.

Get to where I'm at. I'm not doing shots. I'm not doing shot. And it's two. And we're in the sun. I know. I'm a hotel room. You're going to carry me out of here?

That is probably the dumbest. That's one of the ones. Last time I was in Vegas, I was in my room looking down over that pool. Yeah. And the music is, I mean, I'm on the 700th floor. Yeah. And the music is still poof, boof, poof. And you just look at just, especially from that height, it looks like just a bunch of germs.

Yes. Every human's a germ, just on top of each other. And the horrifying thing is at one point, you're you don't want to get in the pool because no one's left the pool no one's left the pool but you're like it's 110 degrees if i don't get in that pool for at least a little bit i'm going to die and i'm going to turn and i'm going to put my head under and you're just like yeah and you know the heat and like alcohol this is going to ruin whatever's left of the night it's it's all bad it's all bad and the skin diseases i'm going to get from this

The doctor's going to go. They're going to know what pool I was in. Right. We're going to go wet, we're public, huh? Right. Every time. Yeah, our host at the MGM was like, please don't get in that pool. Yeah, why would you do that?

Like, you have access to the mansions. Right. Yeah. But my buddy just likes to be around really hot young girls. Yeah, exactly. And so you're like, all right, dude. Right. I'll get sepsis for you.

Thanks for flipping the bill. That is the thing. Like, yeah, there really is that you just age out of it. It's just a natural aging out of it. You just can't. My nephew got married last summer in New England. It was a fun party. He was like, you know, real folksy, like outside kegs and weed,

and everyone's having a great time. And they're like, okay, it was the rehearsal or the wedding's over. And they're like, after party at the Airbnb. And everyone's like, woo, all these things. Everyone's 25. And I walked over to them in the parking lot, and I'm like, I felt so bad. And I'm like, guys, I hate to be this guy, but I'm going to have to pass on the Airbnb and going back to the hotel with my wife.

And they looked at me like, you weren't invited to the Airbnb. You old man. Yeah, we know. We know. Exactly. 100% assume that. As a matter of fact, if you would have shown up, we would have gotten you an Uber back to the hotel. Exactly.

And I'm literally 25 thinking, oh, man. All right, I told my wife, I got to let him know. Yeah, yeah. It's going to ruin the rest of the wedding. That's what you want to grab by the finger. Listening to little shit, I partied. I partied more than any of you've ever partied. I know.

I was a legend once. I partied so much, I don't want to do it anymore. It's one of the best jokes of Greg Fitzsimmons joke when his kid is shitting on him at the table. everyone's making fun of dad and he's there with his whole family and the kid's just like dad's nerd and he just like drops

his fork and he's like you little shit you don't know me when I was your age I was high at dinner I do things to your mom he just goes on this I don't want to paraphrase it

it's such a great but that thing of like no I was Yeah. I literally did it so much. I'm exhausted. Like that's when you see like Mick Jagger, I saw him a couple times last year, the Stones. And one of the times was in Vegas and my buddy's Zach's old security guy is now. They're a security guy. And at the end of the show, he was like, yeah, he's going to go, now he's going to go party until like 5 a.m. Really?

And you're like, he is, and that was, he's 82. And there's a 100-yard catwalk that he sprints up and down. God, at 82. At 82. Jesus. And then. No, but he doesn't really, like, he'll go party, but he's not the big drinker drug guy, right? He's having beers, I'm sure.

Yeah. I'll tell you what. One time I was hanging out, I was doing a kid rock event, and I was staying at his place, and I walked out. It was a thing where, like, I went on at four, and then he went on at nine, and it was, like, four minutes from his house. Right. So it was at this place called the Fontnell. and I went and took a nap and I come back out. I was like, hey, I'm going to go out on the patio and smoke some way.

And he goes, oh, the Presley's are out there. And I go, I don't know who that is. And I just walked out there. And there's Lisa Marie and Priscilla. And I was like, oh, the Presley. And I went out there and, you know, Lisa Marie was a bit of a mess. But Priscilla at 82 at the time, had a beer in her hand the entire night, was never out of sorts

was always very pleasant. I went to bed at 5 a.m. that night. She was still up partying. At one point this guy goes, this buddy of mine goes, I'm going to go hit on Priscilla Preston. And I was like, good luck with that.

And it was literally me, him, and then her on the couch. And he leaned over, I don't know what he said to her. But I don't know what she said to him. But it was so just shut down. and then he went, I'm going to talk to the granddaughter. You can tell it just happened a million times.

And she just severed him. Wow. And it was, I was like, Now, are those people just built different that they're still partying like that? I mean, I guess. Or they just keep the stamina up because it's, they just, they just kept it up for so long. They just have a tolerance.

I think they just have a tolerance. I think you just, I mean, but also when you have 500 mil in the bank, probably don't have to be up early the next day. Right. You know what I'm saying? Don't have to be up at all the next day. No, so it's like we can be up till five and everything's fine. Yeah.

My plane will still wait for me. Right. Yeah. You're not getting, right, you don't have to get an Uber for the 6 a.m. Pick up. No, no, no. It's like, oh, we're late, then we're late. Yeah.

Yeah. The pilot will wait. Absolutely. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that is a different level. But, man, it's so sad, but like, the different. waking up because I do have to wake up. I got a job. I got stuff to do. I, the difference between

waking up from two beers to no beers. Oh, huge. And also what's up with getting older and like, there'll be nights when I have five drinks, five tequilas, wake up the next day, feel amazing. Then it'll be a night. I'll have two beers and the whole next day's ruined. It's a shot. I'm like, Yeah, because God forbid you had like a mini bag of Fritos also. People are doing cocaine. Yeah, I don't know, that acid reflux. I can't do the Yale anymore. I can't even do flaming hot.

All right. So just before we go, because it made me laugh so hard, no vegetables. No vegetables. Fish. Oh, love fish. You love fish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to go to Maui and when I'm in Maui, all I'll eat as seafood.

Really? Because they're, it's great because you go, where do they catch this? And they're like over there. Yeah. Gary, the guy that caught it's at the bar if you want to talk to him. Yeah. When did they catch this? Like an hour ago.

Yeah, about an hour. Yeah, he just got here. Yeah. Like, it's so amazing. So good. All right. That's good. That's surprising, Kansas.

Mm-hmm. Love sushi. Love sushi. As long, you know, Nagiri. fish on rice right love sugar fish you know

yeah as long as there's not avocado or in it or anything like I'll I'll eat the seaweed wrap I got no problem with that right seaweed yeah it doesn't really that's a vegetable of the sea yeah

who cooked when you had young parents dad mainly but dad also traveled so mom also cooked okay and uh you know Why was he traveling? Dad was in business. He was a salesman.

And then became, you know, we literally followed Dad up the corporate ladder. Right. Basically. Right. So, and he was very good at his job and made his way to, you know, executive vice president. Nice. But also was in the photo film industry. So, you know, went from top of the pops to out of a job in like 18 months.

Whoa. Like, you know, digital cameras they thought were going to take like five years. Yeah. And it literally took like 18 months. Whoa. Yeah. So he climbed all the way. Climed all the way up.

Got to the top just as it was. Just as it collapsed. Wow. And he was like, he goes, I knew I was, he goes, I knew I was deaf because I was the guy that was firing everybody. And then all of a sudden I wasn't called into one of the meetings. Oh, yeah. And, uh, man, that industry. Yeah.

And, you know, it took him about a year and a half to get back on his feet. And, uh, and now, you know, and then he, he ran a company. and then they sold it. So then he got some money out of it. You know, but yeah, just watch Dad. And now he's semi-retired with that man will never quit.

Yeah, he's always doing something. He's always got an iron in the fire. Yeah, so. Got that engine going. Yeah. And it's good because when he's not bored,

or when he's not doing that, he's bored, which means he's calling me all the time. Right. And then mom retired and then a month later was back to work. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Just back, yeah, but mainly from home. Yeah. She's an insurance. Okay.

And you see him a lot? See them? Depends on the year. Like last year I saw him a whole bunch. And then this year I'm not going to get to see them as much just because of their schedule and my schedule. Right. Yeah, yeah. But yes, talk to them every day.

That's good. Call them on the way to the gym. Oh, yeah. And dad puts mom on speakerphone. It's usually right after dinner. Is it getting goofy on the phone? No. They're very with it.

That's good. They're very good. Yeah, they're very, yeah, they, they're going to be around a while. That's good. You know. Might get a little goofy on the phone. Yeah. A lot of repeating.

Yeah. A lot of saying things a couple times. Okay. A lot of, what did you say? Yeah. You know, that kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah.

But, yeah, you know, I'm just, you know, I count my blessings. You know, I'm just glad they're still around and they're still happy. That's good. Yeah. They like you, they think you're fine. Yeah, they think I'm very funny. That's good. Yeah.

At least they tell, they lie to me if they don't, so that's fine. And they come to see you and they can get within striking distance? But I'm in town. Yeah. They're not driving to Omaha or anything. Right. But yeah. They'll come up north and see a show.

Right, right. Or they, you know, they came to Nashville to see the first campfire astronaut show. Oh, cool. And when do you do that show? Is it? That'll be Monday or that'll be Friday, June 30th in Kansas City at the record bar. Okay. And so, and it's pretty much almost sold out already.

Wow, that's great. That's really great. And how often do you do it? Well, it just depends on his schedule and my schedule, really. It was, you know, we did Nashville and I was like, well, that was fun. We'll maybe do it again next year. And all of some, Zach's on the phone with me. Like, I'm off two weeks here.

And I'm like, all right. So he was into it too. So, yeah. And this will be the first time we were doing it at an actual, like, rock venue. Yeah. So it'll be like a proper music. set up as opposed to walking into a comedy club and watching the sound guys head explode. Right, exactly.

I've never had, I didn't even know why we had all these inputs. That's good. That's going to make you a little more nervous, though, rolling into that. I'm actually, yeah, these shows are making me nervous. I'm actually like every day when I play guitar, I'm like trying to envision myself. And luckily, it's a room I've been in. Yeah. So I can envision myself in the room.

Yeah, yeah. And just kind of trying to prepare myself mentally. That is a big difference when you know the spot. Because that's like, you know, I remember when I used to get auditions, like you always try to envision what it was going to look like when you got in there. And it was always completely opposite. No matter. It's like it's going to be an office with a desk in front of me.

And then you'd walk in and it was a conference room. And you're like, well, oh, shit. I'm right. Exactly. My head's spinning already. Yeah. What, which guy am I? I remember one time I was so off put by the situation that he the next line was are you all right and I just completely broke character.

I was like, no, no, I'm fine. Do you want to start over? And he was like, no, that's the line. It's the worst. The name of the special again? There's no money in babies. Such a good. Why was the, where was the title at the end?

It was a line, you know, normally, you know, you've done a million specials as of I, you know, the director always comes in with a title. and you're usually like, no. Yeah. And the guy goes, I know you don't want to hear him, but here's just some ideas for a title. And he came, and I don't even remember what I was going to call it. Yeah. And he was like, oh, I think I was going to call it 1942,

because I started when I was 19 and I recorded it when I was 14, 42. But then he was like, there's no money in babies. And I was like, that's actually really good. And then the more I thought about it, I was like, we should redo the butcher album, right, that Beatles record. Yeah. And got a photographer and a bunch of people on board and got it all set up, and it couldn't have come out better.

It looks great. Thanks, brother. Yeah, we'll post it when this goes up for sure. Oh, thanks, man. This is bread. Okay. I do eat bread. Bread's good.

Okay. All right. This is out from my pals at Lodge Bread. Oh, thank you. And, yeah, bring us over to your girlfriend's house. All right. You can't eat gluten, so I'll just eat in front of it. leaving in the car.

That's awesome, man. Thank you. You're so welcome. Thanks for doing this. This is great. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. We never really got a chance to spend time together and just running into each other on flights.

If you ever want to drink tequila, I'm down. All right, cool. There it is, kids. Did you enjoy it? Did you like it? Food. Comedy. I don't know how much more we can do, Joey.

We just keep serving up great people. He really made me laugh. Damn, he was funny. My book, again, we're all in this together, so make some room, is available for pre-order. So go check that out at tompapa.com. If you want to come see me live, we've got a whole bunch of tour dates up there. Again, we're going to be in Newark, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Detroit, San Francisco, St. Paul, Minnesota. Very excited.

A lot of dates. We're going to be going pretty hard for the rest of the year. Maybe we'll downshift a little bit in the summer. I've got to go to the beach at some point. Thank you all for listening. We'll see you next time.