Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 155 - Harland Williams

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

Harland Williams is not only funny but he grew up eating funny things. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus It's time for Breaking Red with Papa Hey! Don't you You know, hey, it's how we go. Hey, it's time for Breaking Bread with Papa. Hey, don't you know. Hey, it's also a show. Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa.

I am Tom Papa. Thank you for joining us at the table once again. We have a great show for you today. We've got Harlan Williams. I adore Harlan Williams. He's one of the funniest people on the planet. I was just recently a guest on his podcast. The Harlan Highway.

He's just so creative, so funny, so special. I'm very excited to have him on. Truth be told, we've already done the interview. He just left. And I just want to do the intro and the sponsorships. Well, he's not here. It's a very funny podcast. You're really going to like it.

And I have to say, Joey, it was, probably the most disrespectful guest we've had. He thought my bread was from Panera, and he beat the crap out of it. And I've never seen someone abuse my bread in that manner. It wasn't until the tape stopped that he realized, you'll see during the interview what I mean. But that was very unusual. He thought that I was doing a bit and just brought like a particular. 10 bread, which kind of makes me proud because the bread looks so perfect.

It's like my friend wouldn't make this bread, but I did, and he feels guilty now on his way out of the studio, as well he should. The show today is sponsored by nuts.com. Yes, I'm so happy for this sponsor. I love nuts.com. Nuts.com, we ordered a whole bunch of stuff for before we even were in business with them. And they're the best. You just get, you open up your little, we have a little, kind of like a snack drawer.

And we open that up and all of our favorite treats are in there. And it is, I would say right now, 90% nuts.com. Whether you're someone on the go who needs a quick snack to grab on the way or someone who spends time at home and needs a stocked snack drawer, that's me, nuts.com has you cover. Nuts.com is offering new customers a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of $29 or more at nuts.com slash papa. Go to check out all the delicious options at Nuts.com slash Papa. It's not just nuts, by the way, kids.

You'll receive a free gift and free shipping when you spend $29 or more. That's nuts.com slash Papa, P-A-P-A. The show is also sponsored by Look This, by This, by this. Oh, what's that? What is that? That's my new book. We're all in this together, so make some room. It's available for pre-order right now. I'm very proud of it. It's a great book. I think you're going to really like it. It's about how we are indeed, all in this together, and we can learn from each other and move along in this crazy life. And as much as you think you're special, people have been here before you and they figured it all out how to live what to do what to eat

how to treat other human beings and this book is just the result of my paying attention to all of those lessons so we're all in this together so make some room it's available for pre-order right now it'll be available in bookstores on june 6th but if you want to pre-order now go to tompapa.com there's ways you can do it and get a signed copy mother's day father's day those kinds of of things. And also all of my tour dates are on sale. A huge show is on sale for Newark, October 21st. We just put on sale. It's a huge performing arts center going back to the hometown to do a big one. So go check out that one if you're in the New York, New Jersey area. All right. Let's get into it. I really want to roll right into the interview with Harlan.

there's some stuff that I've been cooking and baking. I went on this tear real quick. I went on this tear, and I baked a whole bunch of breads, and then I baked cookies because my daughter, who is the cookie baker in her house, went vegan, and is not making cookies any longer. So in one day I did bread, cookies, chocolate chip cookies, and biscuits.

There's this, oh, I forget her name. this cookbook, Melissa, it's called A Good Bake, and she is this amazing biscuit recipes. So I made all of that. And I have to say, my wife downed a bunch of biscuits straight off. But I left this for the family, then went on the road, came back. I would say maybe one or two cookies were gone. None of the biscuits were gone. And the bread was gone.

But, yeah, not grateful. Not grateful. So if you live near me and you need baked goods, I may be getting to the point where I'm done making him for my family. So if you're nearby, swing by and get him. I love Harlan Williams. He's hilarious. Let's get to the interview and keep an eye out and an ear out for how he treats my bread.

By the way, let me know him we're starting. Are we started, Joey? Does Harlan look sexy? It looks great. Oh, thank God. Sexy or voluptuous or sexy the word? I'm fine with that. I feel like sexy is the kind of the thing.

Please. You know, you start there and then we don't have to go much further. No need. Voluptuous. Voluptuous makes me feel fat. Exactly. Yeah. Let's go with sexy. All right, sexy.

I baked you some bread. Oh, can I open it? Yeah, sure. Oh, my God. It just came out so it's warm. Oh, wow. Last night I got home mixing the dough, stayed up late. Are you cereal?

Make sure it was, uh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, and the right thing into the fridge. Oh, my God. And then this morning baked it during my radio show. Dude. And that's your bread. Wow, it is still warm.

Yeah, yeah. It just came out. Oh, my God. This is fantastic. So, you know, these make a great hat, too. Actually, yeah, hold on. Don't move. You look great.

I'm sucking my cheeks and so I stay sexy. Oh, yeah. It's sort of like turban meets the muffins. Man, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It definitely looks muffiny.

Yeah. Oh, that's great. Thank you. You're welcome. Wow. And I know you're a man about town. You'll have a nice serrated knife at home. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You'll never know who, guess who's garage sale I picked that up at. Who? OJ's. Yeah. When he was getting rid of all his stuff before we went into the slammer, he had a great garage sale.

The knife collection. Unreal. I hope you don't mind, by the way. Yeah. You know, some people have a comfort dog or a therapy animal. Yeah. I get a little anxiety ridden. I know we're old friends, but, you know, cameras, light, sexy.

I get a little overwhelmed. So I bring my comfort sloppy Joe mix with me. And I just keep it nearby. I touch it. I've seen you at the comedy store. I've seen you up on stage and I was like, does he have a can in his pants? Yeah. I felt out of place asking you that.

Yeah, this is it. don't bring it out a lot, but I've got nowhere to hide it. How old is that? Because I didn't think they made Manwich. I got this at a rescue deli. Well, if you're going to laugh. Now, I have a thing. Oh, I got this at a rescue deli about seven years ago.

Oh. And I just, you know, and the bread's fitting. And so I just, I keep it close. I hope it's not a distraction. You're just a bounty of content. Can I see the Manwich for a second? Can I touch it? Yeah, I don't normally let it, but we're old friends.

Yeah, I won't. I won't handle with it. Don't distress it. I just want to see what's in Manwich. Well, tomato puree, high fructose corn syrup. That's good stuff. Vinegar, corn syrup, less than 2% of salt, sugar, dried green and red bell peppers, chili pepper.

there's no wait where's the meat part you have to supply the meat that's that's the sloppy joe sauce that goes on on the meat yeah got it got it right and i do because you're probably wondering i do have difficulty getting it through airport security because it's the liquid so i do have a certificate for it i have a yeah like a vest i do have a vest for it yeah a little little orange vest and so just anyways i don't want it to be a distraction but if you see me touching it going to it i don't know how provocative this is going to get so i just it settles me down i you know relieves panic attacks okay anxiety no we're not going to and and just because we have known each other for a long time i'll try not to make it um to anxiety ridden okay okay we're friends i i

friends or friendships about what trust right yeah yeah yeah exactly Exactly. What's troubling you? No, I just, I know you. No, I mean in general. Just, you know, life, it builds up on me, the fast pace, the ever churning. Have you ever been to Pioneer Village? No.

You've never been to a Pioneer Village. Oh, a Pioneer Village? Yeah. So one of the things, it's one of the main attractions, is I'm sure you probably sat with your family and your parents for half an hour, an hour and watch, but they, well, you make me smile. Okay, well, the whole, the whole village is obviously a reenactment of the Pioneer days. Right?

It's a, it's a, it's a recreation, almost like a movie set. I'm pretty, I mean, I don't know which ones you went to, but I'm pretty sure mine were just pioneer villages. Right. Oh, they were, they were, the original ones, of course. Just, yeah, like, I don't know about the acting part. Well, a lot of times they have like the people functioning in the Pioneer Village sort of role play. Again.

Well, really? I mean, the ones I've been to. Like they were really churning butter. That's what I was going to say. Yeah, one of the main attractions was the butter churning. And, you know, life is like that to me. It's a constant churning motion. There's a churning.

The wheels keep on moving. things rolling down. By the way, just before we skip up, the Pioneer Village, there's one in Colorado, the Pioneer Village, Donner Party. And boy, oh, boy, yeah, the cafeteria is to die for. As soon as you said Donner Party, you grabbed your man. I did touch it. I get, well, I do get anxiety when cannibalism is a dark side of humanity.

we often don't dip into. And when I hear it, I just little ping if I hear the word Dahmer thing. Now let me ask you this. If you and I were on tour together. Yes. How long would we have to go without food doing shows, but for some reason we just, there's no food. Yeah.

How deep into the tour? Yeah. Would we have to go before you think I might eat Tom? Excellent question. question. And would you be, and if I can do part two? Yeah. Would you be sneaky about it and just start eating me or would you ask permission? There's, well, there's two answers. There's the answer where we're friends. Yeah. You know, and I said it just when we start, it's all about trust. So what I'd probably do is, you know, tap on your door lightly with my hotel key, the way the chambermaids do.

Uh-huh. Just that. That little, very, that little, you know. Yeah, the very polite. Right. And I just ask you in your kind of sleep drizzle or whatever you call it, would you mind if I snuck in it? Lay back down. Sleep, would you mind if I. What are you doing here? Had an ass cheek. Would you mind if I ate a leg? Would you mind some? So you would ask. I would ask. Right. And then the- And how deep into the tour are we? I would say, you know, the human body can go like over 30 days without food. We need to have water within three or four. Right.

And then you're in critical mass, right? Yeah. But the human body can go 30 or more. I mean, how long did Mahatma Gandhi fast when he did his, you know, when they put him in jail? Right. I think it was 60 days or more. Yeah, it was a long time. So I would probably say you'd have to do about a month-long tour.

Okay. So that's not bad. Yeah. And then Daddy would start to get the grumblins. And, yeah, you'd start looking pretty good. Like sort of like a beef Wellington or, I don't know, lobster mac and cheese. I'm just looking at the texture of your skin. Well, thank you for asking and not just attacking.

No, I would. Yeah. I mean, I'm seeing almost a merry californ. Islander's meatloafish hue to your skin, to your flesh? What? Maybe, well, maybe a, I don't know, a Ruthchrist Steakhouse sort of. Okay. Yeah.

Effervescence, if you would. Yeah. But anyways, do you think that they didn't eat the old people because they were like old bananas? Like when the Donners were like, let's get, let's get this on. You think the old people were pretty, like, were good? I think the old people would have been good because they've lived longer. So that meat is sort of tenderized. The oldies would probably be like the Kobe beef of the cannibal party.

Really? I see it more like sour milk. Pork rind. Oh, okay. Jerky. Yeah. Jerky. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I get what you're saying. You're gnawn an old lady, 85, and then now you got the old psoriasis like stuck in the teeth. Yeah. You're trying to get them out. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You swayed me. You Patrick swayed me. When Harley Williams wakes up in the morning, does he wake up and think, ah, it's going to be a great day? Or does he wake up and think, what do I got to do today? No, I wake up, I go,

thank you. I'm lucky to be alive. I wake up, I go, there's a whole world out there for me to do anything I want. There's a whole world of opportunity. There's a whole day ahead of me for me to be creative and discover and learn new things and not know who's going to call me, not know if the phone's going to ring or an email that's going to change my life. So I wake up, extremely optimistic, excited, and happy to be alive. That's very nice. Well, life goes by real quick, and it's almost like if you dedicate any time, sometimes you're forced to when there's a death in the family or something,

but if you dedicate any time to all that negativity and all the pessimism and all the bad things that could come your way, then you're just using up time that could be used to celebrate the fact that you're alive. I always say this. Right. When you're in those final moments, which we're all going to get there, guy. Right. Um, well, when we get to that hospital bed. Okay. And we're laying there and we don't know if we got seven days left or seven minutes. Right. That dreaded hospital bed, you're going to be sitting there going, good Lord, if I could just get up and even walk to the end of my driveway.

and watch a worm crawl along the ground. You know what I mean? Yep. And that day's going to come. And so don't waste your stupid time dealing with negativity and bad thoughts and depression. And, you know, sometimes people battle it. I get it. But you're not one that has had to, that's been, it seems like it's been pretty easy for you to switch to that mode or to be in that mode.

I'm not even switched, just to be in that mode. I literally wake up and put my feet on the ground and go, thank God, I've been awarded another day. I've been gifted another day. It's beautiful. It is. I'm very similar. Yeah, good, yeah. And then I start walking to the bathroom and my ankles are creaky.

Yeah, yeah. And I don't really see. Yeah. And I'm like, all right. And you realize you were wrong. Yeah. Thanks for nothing. Yeah.

But yeah, you have a choice every. day to wake up and take on the world and be thankful. And regardless of what your job is or what you're doing, you got to look past what goes on. You're in life. Right. Now, there's all kinds of things in life. You know, morning might be bad. You might be tired and grumpy and your boss might yell at you, but by that evening, you might be making love to a beautiful woman and eating lobster. So, enjoy the day. Enjoy every damn day. Right. Now, when you, when you, how much of that is, is the comedic part of you, the silly part of you? Is it, is it, is that why, and this kind of wrote, but is that why you became a comic?

Because you had that kind of attitude? Or did you think it cultivated as you became an adult and you're like, I'm still doing this? I'm still being silly for a living. No, I think with me the roadmap was always present. It just, you know, I grew up silly, I stayed silly. I realized, you know, I had a lot of sort of pivotal moments in my life when I was growing up. I don't know if it was mature or immature. But I said, somebody's got to be that guy that floats all day in his pool and makes love to beautiful models.

and gets rich. And some guy's got to be the guy that laughs every day and has fun and travels and does a job that he loves. Some guy's got to do it. Some woman's got to do it. And I just went, why the hell not me? Why not me? If I decide that's what I want, then I'm going to aim for that.

And that's where I landed. How old were you when you had these thoughts? I was a kid. I was like, you know, I think the most tumultuous times. was like in high school like you know grade 11 and 12 yeah when all the expectations of your parents and the system are saying be a doctor a lawyer a nurse a teacher all the traditional stuff starting to creep in so those forces start to pressure you but inside i knew i would never fit into that mold although i did at one point seriously consider being a marine biologist i was just fascinated

with the ocean, but the artistic side of me overtook all that. And so once I sort of got through that difficult moment where I thought we were supposed to be something and I realized I can't be something and I'm not going to be something and I decided I'm going to be what I want. Yeah. I'm going to go for what I want whether I get there or not. I don't know, but I know I'll be happiest going there. That's, that's, so it started very early.

That's great. Do you have any allies? Did you have like a weird friend that maybe didn't have any talent, but you're convinced to come along with you for the ride, just to have a co-pilot? No, no, I did it on my own. I think I had a few friends that sort of vicariously. You know, you get different strands of people

when you sort of are quite independent and carve your own path. I think you get the people that live vicariously through you. I think you get a short, smaller amount of people that are rooting for you and are excited for you. But I find a lot of people, they are challenged by people who work and think outside of the box. And people don't necessarily like when things are disruptive. And so I find sometimes a lot of people aren't necessarily rooting for you to do well or to do good.

Right. I always find as an adult, when people run into me with this career, those people, the thing they always ask is, oh, but the travel, right? Right. That's like they're looking for the one, what's got to be, it seems like you're having a lot of fun, you're in front of a lot of people, you're hanging with the funniest people in the world. It's got to be something. The travel, right?

Well, let's break that down. The travel, right? Me and you probably take a town car to the airport. I'm guessing you fly first class. We fly first class to another. town where there's a limo waiting for us at the airport, takes us to a five-star hotel, and we tell jokes for the weekend and eat for free. And let's talk about your travel every day.

How about your two-hour commute every day to your office, to your cubicle, where you hate your job, you hate your life. So who's got the worst travel? Me or you there, Bukarai Bonzo-Twatt? You know what I'm saying? Exactly. Exactly. Grab that manwage.

Yeah, grab that manwage meat. You grew up in Saskatchewan? I wish. God. You know about Saskatchewan, right? No. Well, that's the plain, the prairies. Right.

It's like the flattest, I think it's the flattest surface in North America. Oh, really? I mean, the prairies go on forever. There was an old comic in Toronto when I started up named Gary David. Mm-hmm. And he used to do this joke about living. in Saskatchewan, he goes, Jesus Christ, Saskatchewan.

It's the only place in the world you can sit on your front porch and watch your dog run away for three weeks. Great joke. I love that joke. He just used to let it hang, you know, the three weeks. It's great. Toronto. Yeah.

Toronto. Yeah, the big smoke. How I apologize or I, um, Except my condolences on Gordon Lightfoot. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You got Gordon Lightfoot. He was your Drake.

Yeah. Well, Drake's from Toronto, too. I know, but he was the first. So he was the original Drake. Yeah, yeah. The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down to the big lake they call it Chikumi. How great that you could actually write songs like that and very popular. Think about it.

Here's a guy, Gordon Lightfoot. By the way, before I get into that, he was part. of the tapestry of Canada. People think he maybe was just a folk singer or an artist that passed away. But growing up in Canada, he emerged in probably the late 50s, the 60s, the 70s.

So at that time, Canada is a much younger country. We're 100 years younger than the U.S. And so Canada did not have a long list of celebrities and artists that kind of broke through to the international, even the full North American level. Yeah. And Gordon Lightfoot was one of those guys,

and he had sort of a very Canadian folksy sound. Right. And so he was not only, you know, a very great singer, but he was part of the fabric of Canadian culture because we had Anne Murray and Gordon Lightfoot and not a lot of the other stuff in between. So he was revered, he was loved, and what a talent. And I watched a documentary on him recently, and it was amazing the reach his style of songwriting had on music across the board.

Especially even here in America, he touched a lot of modern and contemporary musicians from all over. So really influential. And going back to, you know, how powerful his lyrics are and his ability to write songs. Here's a guy in the middle of the, I guess now the middle. but the late 70s sat down and wrote an 11-minute song about a freighter ship sinking in a storm

in the biggest of the Great Lakes, Lake Superior. And it became a monster global hit. A monster hit. A monster hit. Like, think of it, stairway to heaven by Led Zeppelin, I think, is 11 minutes. And it's a huge rock and roll ballad hit. Now, here comes a song about a ship hauling iron and ore

across one of the great lakes, and it's this huge hit, 11 minutes. Acoustic guitar. Yeah. It's so powerful than haunting, though. Oh, I love that. There's one line and goes at 11 a.m. The man had Chay caved in, and he said, fellas, it's been good to know you. And it's just like, that's it.

It's gone. It's so great. I know. I would have rather seen that made into a movie than the Titanic, to be honest. Yeah, you know. It's not too late. Instead of, like, DiCaprio and Hayt, Winslet, I'm the king of the world. You got, like, you know, 15 iron ore workers covered in Greece on the front.

Fuck you! We're not going down without a beer. I can see Cleveland. Yeah, I'm so powerful. Can you see Cleveland from Lake Superior? I don't think Cleveland. I don't think, can you? No, I don't think.

I mean, if you're standing on a giraffe with a huffling. telescope and you've got Coke bottle glasses and where's Waldo is licking your ass cheeks? I think you could. Which is the lake outside Cleveland? That's eerie. Yeah. Yeah. What's the other one?

Sundown. Sundown, you better take care if I find you've been creeping down my back stair. In the rooms that you don't. Oh, is it the rooms that you don't, you don't talk about what you're doing? Oh, forget the lyric. Oh, I don't know it either, but catchy tunes. Yeah. Catchy, catchy tunes.

Yeah. So powerful. He was the original Drake. Yeah. It makes sense. Like, it really gave a whole nation pride. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Well, I think there was, you know, I'll be honest. There was a bit of, there was pride in the fact that we had a guy that sort of broke through. Yeah. And got some international attention. But if I'm being totally honest, I love the guy. I think he's great. And as I'm older, I realize the cultural and musical contributions that he made. Yeah.

But also when I was growing up in Canada, there was so few things that broke through in pop culture and popular culture that there was also a little bit of resentment because he was sort of that hokey. There was a hokeyness to it too, that sort of country, folksy. Yeah. And meanwhile, you know, in the UK you got the stones and Zeppelin and in the U.S. you got the doors and you got, you know, all these crazy bands, Janice Joplin and Hendricks, and we got, sometimes I think it's a sin when I get feeling better and I'm feeling no pain. You know, it's like, where's my fucking, come on, give me some, where's my iron maiden for fuck's sake, you know? So there was a little bit of that.

But that's when you're a kid and you're starving for the cool factor. But then when you get older and you appreciate the nuance of writing and music and bringing everything together and how difficult it is to even create one hit song, you go, oh my God, this guy was a powerhouse and you mature into loving him more as an adult. Right. Yeah. When you're a kid, you're like, come on, give me the sex pistols. Give me something crazy. We didn't have that, you know. Did you ever, I guess Rush was a big... Rush was sort of a, but they were sort of odd.

They were sort of, I think they were recognized more for their musical ingenuity and how crisp and clean they were. But they were sort of the hard rock band that probably broke out earliest in Canada. And there was the guess who, who these eyes, do-n-dun-dun-dun-d-d-d-d-d- And Bachman Turner Overdrive. But those were like sort of early rockers. Yeah, was it? One of my first album. BTO?

Taking care of business. And I remember, I remember being like a little kid and playing it and like, oh, man, what are the other songs like? Oh, you can play it? Yeah. Like guitar or drums or? No, on vinyl. Oh, you played a record player. Okay.

And I was like, what are these other songs going to be? Yeah. And it was like, all right. Not much. Oh, they had a lot of great hits. Are you kidding? Oh, is a kid. Okay.

Yeah. Taking care of business. Taking care of business. Nothing was beating that. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, we had Rush and then sort of Neil Young was kind of the rocker version of Gordon Lightfoot. Like he was sort of the edge of, but he was still sort of that countryish folky stuff and Johnny Mitchell and all these great, great musicians and singers came out of Canada. But I don't know if we've ever had a really hardcore, like metal, like that made it internationally, like on the big stage.

up there like Zeppelin or the doors or, you know. So when you're a little kid and you're craving the sex pistols and you're knocking around the house, who's cooking for you? Who is the person that cooked for you the most? You mean? Mom, dad, grandparent. Oh. Where you make, where you left to your own devices?

So really cooking, you mean? Yeah. My mom was the cook in the house and God bless her. No disrespect to my mom, but even my sisters, I have four sisters. We all acknowledge not the best. My mom was kind of like pour a can of peas into a pot and leave them on the stove and literally let them boil. Canned peas, just sitting there boiling like one of Frankenstein's experiments in a beaker. And we just walked by it like seven or eight times.

It would just be boiling. I think she boiled like everything out of them, like the scent, the vitamins. Even the color, I think they were crystal clear by the time she put them on her plate. Are the peas here? They're clear. They're clear. They must be done. Like, this is my mom's version of whipped peas. Like, she cooked them so much.

Everything was gone. Even the tea fall in the pot was, like, disintegrated, you know? But so not the best cook. And I remember I had my first swear word ever in front of my parents because of her cooking. Oh, no. Like my mother's idea of a hamburger. wasn't like, you know, a succulent patty on, oh my God, I'm talking about hamburger meat. It wasn't her idea of a succulent, like hamburger patty on a bun with the lettuce, the tomato, whatever.

She would plop down literally like a patty, like just, and it was usually it was charred and burnt, like it had like a rhino skin on it, you know. And I remember once I just got fed up and she just literally was like an empty plate, hamburger paddy. It looked like a, like a boiled hot. hockey pock. And I remember I must have been about eight or nine years old and the whole family sitting at the table and I just hit the wall with her cooking.

And I didn't, you know, in our house, just so, you know, you couldn't say shush because that was like shut up. You couldn't say geez because that was short for Jesus. So we couldn't say anything. No one had ever swore in our house. She plopped down this freeze boiled hockey puck. And I just looked at it and I went, fuck. And I just like, I just, I just.

punched it and all that hamburger juice sprayed out on everyone. And I just yelled. And the whole place just went like, it's as if Satan walked through the door with a fucking party at and a bag of gargoyle juice. It was like unreal, man. It's like you can hear an echo. It's like if the Pope farted in the fucking cathedral,

you just all the way through for hours. Oh, it was wicked. Poor mom. Yeah, poor mom. And then every now and then, the dad, my dad would on a Sunday, like maybe three times a year, dad

would, I'm going to be the chef and he'd do a roast and stir fry mushrooms and he'd do like a big Sunday dinner which was, it was okay. I think he thought it was better than it really was. He thought he did it more times than he did.

Yeah, and I almost sometimes wonder if it was just to go, I'll show the kids, mom's a shit cook, let me show them out. I almost wondered if it was competitive. But we ate, but it wasn't brilliant, you know. I remember we're half Irish. One year my mom thought it would be hilarious to put food coloring in the scrambled eggs for dinner. For Irish dinner, she made us green scrambled eggs.

And they're still the same. But to me, the green, I thought it felt like I was eating at Dr. Seuss's house, you know, like green eggs and ham. Like it just got in my head that these taste horrible. and I waited for her to leave the room and I scraped them in the garbage and she came and she goes, where's your eggs? They go, I ate them.

She opened the garbage. She took them out and put them back on my plate and made me eat them. Yeah. Because they were right on the top of the garbage. Thanks, Mom. Why do you? I love that you're like battling with her

your old child. Do you think that there was any part of her that was like I should write? Obviously my son is having a problem. problem with my cooking. Maybe I should dial this in. Maybe I should try and do better. I think they were oblivious. Was she working? Was she busy? My mom did everything. My mom did everything. She was a teacher, a writer, a social worker. I mean, she did a librarian. My mom did everything. But we were a family that really never

communicated any kind of dissatisfaction. It was kind of shut up. You're the kids. We're the parents. This is the house. There's the dog. There's the fence. Yeah. Do your chores, go to bed. Everything was very functional. Yeah, you'll be out of here in 10 years. Yeah. And it wasn't a feeling of, you know, they wanted us out of there.

It was just a feeling of everything had his place and ran in order. They're very conservative and very, you know. And the only other incident I can remember is I used to love, I still do. I love French toast. That was my, I just love it. Right. So my school was at the top of our street, my public school. And I'd come home for lunch.

And mom would make me French toast, like almost every other day. Wow. And I loved it. And then one week she ran out of white bread. I just liked it on white bread. I still do. I don't want the big fricotta bread or, you know, space shuttle, you know, tile bread. I want wonder bread.

I want just thin. One little slice. I love that. So one day we, I guess we ran out of bread and she had pumpernicle. You know, that gross bread with the little seeds in it. It looks like gerbils eat it at breakfast, you know. Yeah, very dense. Yeah, and then you eat one of those pumpkin nickels,

and they're full of this weird flavor. It tastes like floor wax or something, right? So she popped that in front of me, and I just went, oh, I don't want pumper nickel, and it's the only time she ever got violent with me, she literally, like, picked up the plate and threw it at my head. She literally threw the dinner plate, French toast flying. It's like a scene out of a Christmas story.

Oh, I don't want a pumper nickel. Aww. The only time there was ever anything physical from her. It sounds like you were the only one complaining. I was the only one at the table. No, but I mean like in general, like the eggs. Well, these were very spaced out. Yeah.

These were like, these were, you know, over years. It wasn't like every night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the other incident was one day she came home with this hallelujah moment. Someone at church. had somehow slipped her the secret recipe to KFC. Oh. So no one else in the universe had it,

but somehow my mom got her hands on the 11 herbs and spices. Like, it's probably easier to find out where Capone is buried than get your hands on the KF. But somehow my mom had it. So she whipped up this chicken, and then she made this big bowl of it. It looked like pancake badge. She goes, okay, kids, now dip the chicken in the,

And it's like eating chicken covered with the soggy, like vanilla pudding. It was a disaster. So she didn't even bake it in. It was like she baked the chicken and then to dip it. And that was apparently the secret Colonel Saunders secret recipe in a bowl. Was there any part of you that was like this isn't how it happens at the restaurant? Right. But when you're a kid and someone tells you they got the secret to KFC, you just shut up.

and start eating, man. You get greasy. You get greasy. Yeah. So we sort of believed it. It didn't really taste like it, but, you know, if she was going to believe it, we were going to believe it.

It's funny. It kind of makes sense, though, like the green, when you're describing the green eggs. Yeah. Like, I could see a young Harlan collecting that image. Yeah. Those things, like, that is kind of how you kind of see the world.

I sit. Well, it's psychological because at that age, you don't know that food coloring is just a color, right? It's just, you know, you're just injecting a color onto somebody, but it's probably flavorless. Yeah. But in my head, you know, to me it was like, you know, like Shrek just squatted over my plate and took a, you know, fucking DreamWorks dump, you know. Do you have a friend who had a good cook in their house? Did you like go to Kevin's house and was like, oh my God. No, I was very picky. I was very, very. finicky eater. I was really like,

I was like, like this was a nightly ritual at our house. I had four sisters and we all had sort of like a cafeteria bench as, as the kids sat on this big leather L-shaped bench and then mom and dad were at the table proper. And so one of my sisters, Maureen, would always sit beside me. And I always had it in my head that,

you know, when you, I don't know if you got milk in the States. this, but in Canada, you had a holder and the milk came in bags. Yeah, we didn't have the milk bags. We had milk bags, and so you'd put them in the container, and then you had a little thing that cut the corner of the milk bag. And so I just had it in my head that I called it the milk scum.

The scum floated on the top and sunk to the bottom. So whenever I opened the milk, I'd always pour the top into my sister's thing. And then when I drank my milk, I'd never drink it right to the bottom. always leave like that much. And my parents would go, what are you doing? I'd go, the scum's on the bottom. And my little sister, I'd always, she'd go, oh, ha, stop pouring the scum.

And I'd always get it. She'd go, oh, ha, har. This is like the Christmas story house. I didn't really, I wouldn't have pictured you to say. I wouldn't picture you of a picky pain in the ass. I was so picky. I would see, in my mind, I see you just eating one. No, I was, I was so, like, I didn't even have, like, egg salad until probably 15 years ago.

It just freaked me out, like, the big clumps of egg. And, like, I was, like, sushi took me forever to get to. Like, I don't know. Just, I would just get freaked out. I just wanted standard things like peanut butter and, and a hamburger. And, like, I got. French toast on white bread. Yeah, like, I wanted it simple.

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Okay. So we're going for lobster. That's your favorite food. I love it. That's my death row, like final meal is a big like four pound lobster, melted butter. It's funny. I'm going to, I'm about to fry. I'm going to kill you too.

I'm taking you with me, lobster. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on death row. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I just hold it and let them fry it while I'm cooking. But yeah, so, yeah, that's a lobster. That's your big one. Lobster.

What about you? I have to say, I think it's a big steak. Okay. What cut, though? Steakhouse, Steakhouse, Porterhouse, New York strip. You like fat in it? Yeah, I do like fat. Yeah, got up the fat.

With a nice char on it. Oh, God. But I would be very happy. if a lobster walked in and sat down next to that. Yeah. Be very happy. Yeah. I have, my family, we would go to the Jersey Shore all the time.

Oh, so polluted lobster. And we would get lobster every, it would be like, we'd have a lobster feast. Like at least once in summer, there'd be a big lobster feast. You'd get the lobsters and put them in the pot. And it was a whole celebration. It was part of our whole growing up. Yeah. And then, and then I married my wife.

who was a vegetarian. Oh. And she was so against putting the lobster in the pot. It's brutal. And I never even thought about it until she was like, wait, no, this isn't happening in our house. I'm like, but we, it's our whole history. Yeah. We used to race them before we cooked them.

Really? Put them on the floor and let them race. Wow. We were having a good old time. No part of us was taught. This is cool at all. And I was like, I saw her point, but I still eat lobster. Have you ever actually put one alive into the pot yourself?

Yeah. Yeah. I did that about, I don't know, about six years ago, I caught, I was on the ocean and I caught like a whole bucket of blue crabs. And I go, these are going to be delicious. Yeah. Until the moment I literally had to drop them in and you just see their little beady eyes. You're like, no, they sink down.

and you're just like, I was like, shit, I did not like it. And then you pull them out in the red and they're like, it's just like, it's just like brutal. It is brutal. I mean, the whole way you know they're done is when you don't hear them. Screaming and scraping for their life. It's really terrible. Oh, dude. Yeah.

It's really bad. Yeah. Not that slaughterhouses are any more of a vacation, but it's just we get to see, we are responsible. for the termination of those little crustacean sweeties. I know, they're little eyes. Oh, they're little eyes, little bug eyes. Do you like to dip it in butter? Oh, you got to.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the funny thing about it. The quick pivot from, oh, their eyes, but yeah. Yeah, the butter. Those eyes and butter, those sweet buttery eyes. God, look into my belly, you crusty freaks. But yeah, I just saw, saw some.

something too where, you know, how every day we get conflicting, you know, coffee will kill you. Next year, coffee will extend your life. You know, being a vegetarian, it'll kill you. So I just saw for the first time some news clip where this guy who's a nutritionist and he's always breaking down foods, he did this whole round about how butter is good for you. He says it's one of the foods that you should be eating. You should not feel guilty about eating butter. And I'm like, but, you know, going shopping is like, like,

like a guilt trip. It's the most painful thing. I know. When I was a kid, you didn't have all these surveys and these things. You'd go to the grocery store with your mom. I want this. I want that. I want that. You got food. Now as a grown-up, you go shopping and you're like, oh, oh, oh, you see yourself put you. No, oh, I want that. No, no, oh, no, oh, no, no. You end up leaving with four items in your cart. I know. And it's like, and one's a pack of gum so you can just chew and 10 you're eating. It really is terrible guy. Do you drink, dude?

Rarely, rarely. Every now and then I'll drink a beer. Right. I've probably had maybe 25 margaritas in my life. Right. But no, a lot of most alcohol I've never even tried.

Like rye and I don't even know the names of them. That's how I had my first taste of tequila literally about four years ago. Right. So no, I'm not, Never been a drinker.

Was it a taste thing or was it a altered state thing? It was basically it started again as a kid seeing adults having problems with it. Being a little kid, you know, I always picture myself looking up at the adults. And I always heard, oh my God, I can't quit coffee. Oh my God. Uncle Jerry's drinking. I can't quit drinking. Oh, I can't stop cigarettes.

I'd be looking up at this and going, what are you idiots doing to yourselves? So I just, at a very early age, I just went, well, if I never try that stuff, I never have to fall into it. So I've never had a cigarette. I've never had a coffee. I did go out of my way to try liquor just because it looked sort of fun. Yeah. And it is fun. Yeah.

But the other part of the equation is guys like me and you and people, a lot of people, everyone, actually. But especially guys who, what I call our instrument, is used to make our livelihood. Some people can drink all the time and still drive a bus or work a machine or cut a lawn. Right. But when you've got to come up with stuff from the old cerebellum that's sort of clever and you've got to be quick on your feet, my position was don't mess with the tool. Right.

Don't damage it. Don't mess with it. Don't kind of, you know. Don't drown it in margaritas. Yeah. Don't sort of kill it, you know? Not that I would be, but I just sort of had it in my head that this is something I have to protect. Right.

And so I've always been very cognizant of sort of keeping an invisible helmet around. I was just going to say, is that why you always wear a helmet in the early days? That was for something else. Yeah, that was severe epilepsy. But thanks. No, that's okay. Yeah. Oh, God.

Yeah, I just want to hold it for me. It feels like you're in the womb again. I feel bad. That's okay. Do you want to touch the loaf? No, that's yours. Do you want to put it on your head or anything? That's mine.

Okay. Yeah, the brain. Yeah, I mean, are you... I feel like it just keeps getting better. You know, to be honest, not to... I don't know, not to stand on a soapbox or anything, but now that I'm older, in retrospect, I'm really glad I protected my brain.

Yeah. I feel good that I kind of watched out for it, and I feel like it just keeps getting more productive and sharper. Yeah. And I continue the quest to keep it safe. You know, I still have a little fun now and then, but it's few and far between. Yeah.

And I think it was a good investment to watch out for my brain, you know. And it's sad I'm not talking down to anyone, but you look around in society and you see how much alcohol and now legalized weed and all this stuff is really pushed on people. And it's almost part of the fabric of the culture to drink and go to the ball game and drink and go out Saturday night and get drunk. Why? Who made up those rules? But a lot of people just sort of fell into it like, oh, this is part of the birthright of being born. It is a lot of pressure. Yeah, I always thought, why aren't people a little more responsible with that?

Yeah, I know. It's to the point where it's like this grown-up peer pressure. Like you go out to dinner with, you know, three other people. Yeah. And if you're like, and everyone's ordering their drink and you're like, I'll have a sparkling water. Whoa, what's going on? Yeah. You're the demented one.

Yeah. Right. It's going to be a thing. Yeah. Yeah. I don't mind at all. I've never had an issue with that. I almost revel in it.

It's like, it's like, great, I don't need it. It's never, I've never judged people for doing it, and I've never felt judged. I just, I felt like, this is my body. This is my decision. If I want to wear a yellow shirt to dinner, I'll wear a yellow shirt. If I want to drink Coke or I want to drink a beer, that's, that's all me. You get, you have nothing to do with it. Like, you can cast your aspersions.

You can raise your Dr. McCoy eyebrow at me, but it doesn't faze me. This is my human. it, I take care of it, you know? Right, right. But I think, I think you're right. Some people do feel pressure. Some people feel self-conscious. Some people maybe feel like they want to click in or something. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. But, well, also, it's, it's, it's, people have a hard time being around other people. Oh, what do you mean? Socially, they get one drink and they're like, they can relax. Oh, I see. It's a lot of pressure for people to go out and sit

with other straight, even their friends. It can be, yeah. You know, and that drink is like, ugh. Yeah, I think some people rely on that, yeah. When you, when you fly and you see all these people, the seats next to you, at six in the morning. Six in the morning, yeah. I'll have a screwdriver, please.

I want to watch the sun come up with a tequila sunrise over here. It's like, where are you guys going? Yeah, and you're landing in Cleveland? I mean, I get that. Maybe you want to. have a few more drinks, but yeah, it's really bizarre. Yeah. And not only one, but they'll keep them coming.

Keep coming. I think they're freaking out. I think they're scared. They're freaking out. This calms them down. I always think it's either that or they're really, like, have a need for booze and they realize they get it for free. A lot of people love the concept of a free drink.

I know. A lot of times, like, they're so surprised that you don't drink or you skip the meal. Yeah. And it's like, well, it's free. Why would you not do it? Because it's five in the morning. Yeah. I just had dinner at midnight after my show.

I don't need food right now. Yeah, and I always do this. I go, if they bring me food, I go, if I was on land right now, if I was 25,000 feet lower right now, would I be running through them all looking for a chicken catchetory with green beans and pilaf rice and a soggy mashed potato side? No. I'd probably be doing something else.

So it's like just because they plop it in front of you. We're like machines. You just eat. I know. I know. Does Harlan like boats? Oh, yeah. You like boats?

Yeah, yeah. I have a boat. You have a boat? Uh-huh. Yeah. Out here? No, I have an undisclosed location. I have a beautiful, like, 18-foot boat with 135 yami on the back.

And I get out fishing and trolling and go for sharks and redfish and trowling and trow for sharks and redfish and. trout and all kinds of stuff. One of the freakiest fish we pulled up was a Ramora. Do you know what those are? Ramora. Aunt Ramora? No, that would be the one that drinks on the airplane going to Cincinnati.

Yeah, we don't talk about her. With a dress and socks. Yeah. No, I don't know Ramora. So you've seen a shark, videos of sharks, and there's always those fish about yay long that are sort of stuck to the side of the sharks. Yeah, yeah. So the Ramora is a very unique fish.

It literally has a, it's got a flat head with a suction cup on it. So those fish aren't swimming beside the sharks. They're actually affixing themselves to the sharks. They swim up to them and the top of their heads are flat. So here's the fish, here's the eye, and they have a flat plate. And they stick to the side of the shark. And the Spanish fishermen used to do this when they'd catch a Ramora. they'd save them, and when they saw a sea turtle,

they'd put the remora on a line, and the remora often swim to the nearest biggest thing. They would stick to the sea turtles, and they'd pull in sea turtles because they used to eat them. Whoa. So catching a fish, catching a turtle with a suction cop on a fish. I mean, talk about nature's design. It's amazing.

So going back to us, we actually caught one once. We pulled up, I think we caught two, but just to look at them. They're just so anyways. odd fish. Can you eat it? Oh, you can eat anything with meat. I mean, we just talked about me eating you for God's sake. That's true. I don't know if you suck or not. You look like you might, but let's not go there. What'd you do with it? Did you throw it back? Threw it back? Yeah. Actually, no, I threw it in the water. There was a beautiful model in a bikini

and it sucked onto her and I pulled her right in and we spent the night dancing and eating other humans. Yeah, let me ask you that. So this little Harlan, it seems like you've done the life image of the guy, why shouldn't I be the one having fun, floating in the pool, having great meals, doing all the good stuff? Why not? With a beautiful supermodel next to me. Sure. Does that part come true as well?

That has been, yeah. Yeah. Good for you. I visualized it and I made it happen. It's amazing. Yeah. Do you own a smoking jacket? I don't smoke, remember?

Well, it's not the point. Yeah. Well, you already said I'm sexy, so I'm already smoking. So who needs the fucking jacket, really? When you walk around the compound, are you in a robe? Are you in a... Harlan gets up. He's grateful for the day.

He's walking around having his early morning press juice overlooking his land. Yeah. Is you a robe guy? Are you a sweatpants guy? I kind of do the sweatpants thing. Sometimes I'll be nudie as a cutie, you know. Sometimes I have a bathrobe on. You know, it just depends what I'm doing.

But usually pretty cash. I like to be kind of loose and cash when I'm working or writing or, you know, gardening or whatever I'm doing. Is there ever a formal dressed up, Harlan? Yeah. throws on the tie in the suit. Yeah, yeah. I like getting dressed up. It's rare.

But, you know, I think you would agree with this. When you go to a wedding or something. really formal and you throw on a tux. Yeah. It sort of transforms you. You almost become, you sort of start to feel that James Bond. You feel tighter and you, you know, you look kind of good. Yeah.

A nice suit kind of makes anyone look sort of a little better than they are. Yeah, exactly. And so, hides the flaws. Yeah, and it's just sort of the cut and just the majesty of the fabric and what it represents. It creates this new aura about you, and I think you kind of step into it as well. So I do enjoy that feeling, but I like it here and there. I think if you did it every day, it would wear out its welcome. But to dress up and do it periodically.

I don't know if I've ever seen you dressed up. I don't think I've seen you dressed up on stage. Yeah, it's rare. I don't do it a lot. It's not that I hate it. It's just that it's got to be the right. Right. You know.

When we go out for a lobster dinner. Yeah. On Harland Day. Yeah. Maybe we should dress. Yeah. I mean, do you really need to dress up for the olive garden or we could? I mean, we'd probably get the best seat in the house right by the bathroom.

I probably think we're like the owners. Yeah. Olive and garden. Yeah. Damn. That would be impressive. Yeah. to go get lobster.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. So have you been to the Palms in Beverly Hills? Yeah. So the Palms is a chain restaurant. You know, there's one at Caesar's. I know where they all are. Caesar's Palace in Vegas.

There's one in Los Angeles. Most of the big cities have the palms. But they fly in like, you know, most people when they go to red lobster, they usually get a half pound or at the most a pound lobster. And people think, oh, this is the traditional red lobster. Look how big it is. But the palms, their lobsters, start at two pounds and go up to 10.

Whoa. So just for reference, so a traditional lobster you get at most restaurants, you know, the claws kind of are about that big. Yeah. Even when you get up into the two, three pound lobster range, the claws become this big. Uh-huh. They're huge. One claw is almost a meal in itself. Right.

So imagine two giant claws and then all the tailmen. meat. By the time you get to the tail, you almost don't have room for it, to be honest. Right. So, yeah, the palms, they fly in, I think, Nova Scotia and Maine lobster daily. Whoa. So it's fresh, it's delicious, and they only specialize in the big boys. What's the biggest one you ever got? I think the biggest I went was four, maybe. After that, it's just excessive. You can't eat it. Yeah, it's too much. Yeah, it's too much. So do we have to wear bibs because we're wearing our shoes? I don't wear them. I always say to the guy, I am a professional.

Like I, I mean, the concept of wearing a bib as a grown-up man, what am I the Gerber baby, you know, auditioning for a lobster commercial? Yeah. No, I'm not wearing a bib. Even when we're wearing our suits. No, I'm that good, you know, it's like when you eat lobster enough. Yeah. And it's funny if you've ever been out with someone who's not an aficionado or, or seasoned with

lobster. Yeah. Not making fun of them, but it's always interesting to watch when you sit down. with that, oh, I've never had lobster before, and they try to go to town. Because, you know, you got to do the nutcracker and crack the shell. You'll just, you'll see them, like, do the weirdest thing. Like, they'll pick the tail up and start sucking it. You know, they'll go for the legs, the little legs.

And it's like, you don't need the legs. The claw on the tail could feed you and your family for eight years, but you'll see them sucking. I remember I went to dinner with a guy who never rid of you. And I swear to God, did you go, this is the best meat I've ever. sucked. He said it out loud. I'm like right at the table. I was like, still laugh about it.

Do you ever get a harpoon gun and go into the water and try and get your own lobster? I don't. I haven't done the harpoon thing. I've thought about it. But I've been in a region where I dive for scallops, which are delicious. So basically I dive for scallops. You collect like 50 or 60 in a bag. Yeah.

Come in and cook them right away. delicious. But yeah, I'm a fisherman. But the harpooning thing to me is, I don't know. It seems a little cruel. Because when you're fishing, you're taunting and the fish is making the decision, underwater, most fish are very inquisitive. Yeah.

And eventually they sort of drift towards you because they kind of want to see what you are and what you're doing. So if you watch any video. Yeah. of a guy harpooning fish. More often than not, it's this kind of goofy, innocent fish having a beautiful life going,

oh, what's that over there? And then, like, right, you know, right through the forehead. Like, the guy just shoots it. And it's, there's something a bit too cruel about it. But I bet if I did it, it would be fun. But I don't like, I don't like sort of hunting animals and stalking them and hurting them. Like, again, fishing.

A fish lays 10,000 eggs and has 10,000 babies. A grizzly bear or a moose maybe has one or two cubs a year. Yeah. And there's a difference to me between lining up a mammal through a scope with a gun that can't really miss versus you throwing something in the ocean and one fish decides, you know what, I'm going to bite that. That's sort of on them at that point. And plus if you take one out, their five million babies are still out there making the world go around. So, I don't know.

That's just me. No, it's a great way. I've never thought of it that way. Now, that being said, I don't really mind hunters that go after, you know, food hunting, you know. Yeah. I'm not a big fan of trophy hunting just so someone can, you know, stroke their ego and put an endangered lion on their living room wall. That's a bit. Especially now when it's all set up for you to just go and do it.

There's no. It's all set up. And, you know, animals, their domain is shrinking and shrinking and shrinking all the time. Humans aren't getting less. We're getting more, you know. And I think when I was born, there was like $3 billion. And now we're coming up on $8 billion. Not a million, a billion.

So there's five more billion people from when I was born to now. So you've got to figure for every billion. there goes more lions, there go more drafts, there go more grizzly bear. So you got to kind of really be careful with what you harvest or take in this world. Do you do freshwater fishing? Both fresh. Do you do it here in California? Yeah, I've done it here.

Yeah. And fly fishing is a whole different discipline with fishing. It's beautiful. It's sort of, have you done it? No. It's sort of, it's a different sort of sensibility. It's like regular fishing is sort of more industrial and fly fishing is more sort of artistic.

And it's fascinating because when you fish normally, you're on the surface of the water, you're in a boat or you're on a dock or you're on a raft. When you're fly fishing, you're in the fish's element. You're standing in the stream. So you can feel the water connecting with you. You can feel it rushing around. You can feel the energy and the magic.

and you know that that fish is in the same place you are. And so when you catch it, when you're fishing for it, it's all organically the same. And there's a real connectivity to it. And there's a gracefulness to it. It's very soft and quiet. And there's different rules. You can only use little tiny hooks and they have no barbs in them.

So the fish have a really good chance of getting off. So there's a real sort of gentleman's type of thing to fly fishing. It's very therapeutic and beautiful. Does your supermodel mind sitting on the rock while you do it? Or are they? I've been fly fishing with one of my supermodel gals, and she loved it. She did? She absolutely loved it.

I think she hooked into a fish before I did. Oh, really? And she was just, she's amazing. This one girl, she never, she's just like she can do anything. Like, we go fly fishing, boom. One day we were down down at the beaches and matters. and we came upon a beach and there was a big cliff with rock climbers on it. And there was like probably five or six young, healthy boys and girls like, you know,

slowly meticulously inching their way up. Like we watched for about 15 minutes and they probably went a total of about five feet. Yeah. All of them in unison like, ooh. And this girl, my ex, she just says to this, can I try it? And he goes, yeah, sure, harness in. She ran up that wall. She was at the top in two and a half minutes.

Like a spider monkey. And then she had a buddy who does this thing where you swim from the shores of San Francisco out to Alcatraz. You know, shark infested waters, major currents, very cold water, great whites in that type of water. This guy invites her, he's been doing this for years. He invites her, she smokes them, goes all the way and passes them on the way back. Like, she just kills me. She just like, wow. Yeah, I bought one of those lift foil things.

Have you seen these? Yeah. Like, they're literally this surfboard that hovers over the water and there's a propeller. Yeah, the Land Hamilton thing. Right. So I've had guys come and guys who are snowboarders and still haven't figured it out. This girl got on it and within 10 minutes was flying across the ocean on it. Why did you break up?

You couldn't keep up? No, no, I could keep up. No problem. but just, you know, personality differences and just the things that happen. And we're still amazing friends. We still hang out, but just not in the romantic way anymore. But had great times, great adventures. Yeah, beautiful.

Will Harlan ever get married? I was. You were? Yeah, I don't talk about it. So I don't mind saying that I was, but out of respect for her and my privacy. And, you know, there's a real. sanctimony around marriage to me. And it's never fun when it doesn't go well or it ends.

And so I just keep all that private. But if the right woman entered my life, I would do it again. I'm not opposed to it. Yeah. What would happen if you met the right woman and it seemed really great? And she's like, I'm going to make a romantic dinner for us. And you're like, okay, great.

And she puts out a plate that has your mom's peas. burger on it. Fuck! Wait, wait, wait. This is what we'll do here. Ready? Fuck! Ow!

Yeah. That's what it would look like. Yeah. But if I loved her enough, you know, I would, it would be, you know, cooking, here's the other side of my mom. It's a gesture, right?

Cooking is a gesture. So whether the cooking is bad or good, right. I would recommend to everyone and just look beyond the flavor and look into the gesture that that person took the time, the effort to say, hey, I love you, I'm making something for you. And cooking is nurturing, cooking is loving and it's passionate. These are all the things that went into this bread.

Yeah, boy, man. How long did you spend on this? I started it yesterday. Oh, my God. Well, no, the day before it's two days. feeding the starter and then yesterday getting it all shaped in the fridge by late night like around

midnight and then this morning during my radio show would go out and do it in the stages of baking it dude you've got to have a yeast infection after all that um I mean it's private I don't really like to talk about it

but well you did yes it's a gesture a yeast infected gesture. I don't know if you want me to say this on camera, but I have some vagusle down on the car with your man, what you? What'd you call me? Son of a bitch. I can't wait for our lobster dinner. Are we really going? Yeah, we're going. Oh, I'd love that. We're definitely going to go. So you're a lobster fan. Yes. Oh, dude. And it's good

because I'd love that. Because I can't eat it when I'm out with my wife. Right. Out of respect. And you know how to eat it, so I don't have to sit there and watch you. Look at that guy cracking that claw. What a tart. I'll bring my own crackers. Oh, wow. Yeah. Now that would be great.

Oh, I'd love it. The palms? Yes. Oh, yeah, 100%. Dude, you're paying? Yes. Love you, Manwich. See, I wouldn't have had the courage to ask if you're paying if I wasn't holding my security

meat. You'll never actually eat that, right? Hell no, this is a therapy man, which. Yeah. I was going to say, I'd eat you before I eat this. It would be pretty good with the bread. Or with you. That's why we don't tour together.

We will. Thanks for being here, Arlen. Oh, thanks for being here too at your own show. Do you want to touch you once more before we go? No, I'm good. I feel all right. Okay, well, if you're going to give me attitude, how about this? Hey, I made that for you.

I can party too. You want to party check me. I told you. Got it, Joey. All right. There you go. There is the interview. Can you believe how bad he treated the bread?

He pounded it with his fist. He tossed the bag. Then he looked at me. Joey, it was very bizarre. He just looked at me like, wait, you're not kidding? You really made this bread? I said, I just told you. It took me three days.

I came home at night after being at Dan Tanas, cocktails, meal, late. And I went home and started shaping the bread just for Harlan. And he acted like I just picked it up at like the Quickey Mart. I don't like him any less, I'll tell you that right now. I'm a little concerned that when we do go for a lobster dinner, he's going to try and make me pay. But I feel like he's been,

more famous than me for a long time with no children. So he should pay. Just how I feel. Thank you to nuts.com. Go check out tompapa.com. Again, if you can pre-order the book, that would be amazing. That helps spread the word and get people excited about it.

We're all in this together, so make some room. A great gift for Mother's Day. There's ways to get signed copies and get them to your little self. And also on June 6th, it'll be on sale. Also, all of my tour dates available now. I think at the airing of this, we will be. The next stop will be Cleveland and Detroit and then off and running.

We have a lot of dates on the schedule. Thank you for listening. See you next time. Bye.