Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 160 - Kira Soltanovich #6

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

Kira Soltanovich is back! And doesn't get bread! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey! sour dough. Hey, it's time for Breaking Bread with Papa. Hey, don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey, hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I am Tom Papa. Thank you for joining us. We have a fun show today with the great Kira Soltanovich. Fan favorite, Tom favorite, Abraham Lincoln favorite. We love Kira. She's going to come in and spend some time with us here. This is very exciting because I know she's going to really love the new studio

because she didn't like that the old studio made her look green. So I think she's going to be very pleased that we're here with some different color combinations. My book, we're all in this together, so make some room. It's doing really well. Thank you all out there for purchasing it. The audiobook has, I think, even more. purchases then the book book.

And I don't know how I feel about that. I guess it's great because people want to hear me. But I do like the idea of you having a book, just tossing it around. Like if you have the audiobook, your friends don't know that you're listening to me. It's all on your phone. It's very private.

Nobody sees just tossed it around. Oh, you're reading that new book over there. Like if we have all these books here for our podcast from people that have been on the podcast, Sam Sifton's book and different things like that, people come and they're like, oh, I read that book. If it's just on my phone, you don't really know. So I feel like you should buy both. I feel like if you get the audiobook, you should also get the other one just for, you'll look smarter.

I know audiobooks count as reading, and I do believe that. But it's really about your appearance and what people think about you. And I just as your friend want you to seem really educated and cool. If you have my book, you're probably pretty cool. So thank you all for whatever form you're buying. If you haven't bought it, then you should just buy all, even the Kindle. We're all in this together, so make some room. It's been great fun.

had a great event with Rain Wilson at the Barnes & Noble in Los Angeles, California, at the Grove. I had a great sit down with Colin Quinn at the 92nd Street Y. I got to run around and sign books in a bunch of bookstores and a bunch of places. It's been really fun. It's been great. I've been appeared on other Friends podcasts. It's been fantastic. A little tiring.

At one point, I think I was in the air. more than I was on the ground in like this two or three day period where I think I literally was in the sky flying more than I was on the ground because I'd fly in, go do some stuff, get right back to the airport, back on the thing, and cross-country again. Definitely a little insane, but a lot of fun. And the good thing about the book is that it continues throughout the rest of the year.

So we're all on this together, so make some room. Thanks again for buying it. Go to tompapa.com. Also, we've got a lot of tour dates. The big one is in October at the NJPAC. That is a huge venue, and I'm very excited to bring it back home and do that one. We also just added Las Vegas at the win on Labor Day weekend. That goes on sale when this one airs.

That goes on sale tomorrow at the win in Las Vegas Labor Day weekend. That one is going to be killer. And we've got a whole bunch of other ones, San Francisco. doing a bunch of Canada. We're going to Winnipeg. We're going to Toronto. Doing the Just for Laps comedy festival in Montreal. We just added a third theater there.

So lots of stuff, lots of touring, lots of on Delaware, Anaheim, New Hampshire, all outdoor shows this summer. Very cool. So go to tompapa.com for all of that. And now, please enjoy Kira Sultonov. Yeah, so she's going. She's gone. Wow.

She did the whole graduation thing. This big group of a couple we could talk about. And yeah, August 31st, my house is empty. Party, party. It's like when your parents would go out of town, now it's the opposite. I know. My kids are out. I have this fantasy of just lighting a joint.

I have no real desire. Just lighting a joint in the living room because I can. Naked, naked. Naked. You have to be naked. I know. Wow. Yeah.

Do you like walking around naked? Um, not anymore because I have a 12-year-old son. Right. Yeah. And he doesn't know how to knock. Right. So I don't feel like I've taught him anything. Uh-huh.

Because the most mundane little things he doesn't do. And I go, have you not like, watched me at all or I know a lot of the times they're supposed to learn from watching you you're not supposed to lecture them about things they're just supposed to see you like oh she's knocking on the door that's is that a thing to do should I not do it and he's lingered a few times but he grew up with us being very naked so maybe I remember that I remember you're saying that yeah we would shower together all of us right yeah up to until eight, nine?

When did the pandemic start? Yeah, so like maybe almost, yeah, nine. Nine. Almost, not quite ten. Yeah. Because that house that you came to with the big pool. Yeah. We had an outdoor shower.

Did you remember that? Yeah, because I washed you in it. Yes. I washed you in it. I was in that shower. I scrubbed you in it. So we would like take off our bathing suits and we're all showering outside. And then at a certain age, it's, well,

at a certain age, I literally thought about this. I was like, wow, you know, my daughter graduated high school. Both kids got, that chapter is done. So I've been reflecting. And I was like, one of my accomplishments was I didn't give them any scary naked run-ins from probably like four on. You didn't have an outdoor shower. Okay.

But at a certain age, girls, you know, my daughter's, I was just like, let's not. Yeah. And let's not have them, you know. So, yeah, I was like, wow, I did a good job. I didn't have to walk around with a memory of, I have a memory of my mom in the tub during high school. Yeah. It's still there. It's still there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that takes, what I was going to say is that takes effort on both parties. Right. So they also were like, hmm, dad's doors closed. And this is when he normally gets dressed. Like, they're putting things together. My kids don't put anything together. Right.

The bathroom door swings open. It's like a Ralph's grocery. It's like Walmart. They just assume, like, I'm standing here and it should just automatically open and I have entry. Right. And the other problem is our bathroom door does not have a lock. Right. So really, there's just, it's open access to everybody.

My bathroom has a lock. Yeah. And I always find it weird that my wife locks it. Right. Why? I don't know. I'm always curious. Right, because who's she hiding from?

Who's she hiding from? What's she doing? I have no idea. Pets can be curious. Maybe she doesn't want a dog staring at her. I did hear her yesterday go, really? Because it was an animal. She got up and came out of the bathroom,

three animals followed her. Yeah. Yeah. So, yes, lock the door. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's for me too, though. I think there's part of her that,

which I'm kind of on board with. Certain things keep private. Certain things keep private. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But I also, but we have the door. into the bathroom and there's another little door to the toilet. Right.

That one I could see. We have like that too, and we don't have a lock on that one either. Right. So I'm just yelling privacy all the time, like screaming at the top of my lungs. Yeah. Because we have one of those, you know those like kind of ranch style, like our bathroom doors on the rollers. Like a pocket door.

Yes. So it's, so I start hearing those wheels and I'm just yelling, privacy! I don't yell anything else. I don't know why. I feel like it's the, you know, fastest, easiest thing. Yeah. And then my husband, oh, oh, sorry. My kids think that's like another, like Latin for Please Enter.

Just come on in. And they, you know, they're walking into stuff that you're not ready. You haven't seen a movie in school yet about this. Now is the 12-year-old, does he now, is he now slowing up, not going in? Because he's 12. It's the same way. You said my daughters were probably. Yes.

He, because, yeah, I've told him just point blank. Look, this is aggressive. This mommy's body is aggressive. You know, I want to keep your mind pure. Right. Boobes are still kind of fine. Right. You know what I mean?

Like, he'll see me putting on a bra and he kind of. Right. But he lingers, he lingers. Yeah. He's a little strange. That's strange, right? Where he's like, oh, I forgot about those. Right.

You did raise them. that way we raise them we you know i mean i'm talking four of us would shower together can you imagine your kids leaving like at this point you're so in the throes you're 12 and 10 12 and no she's seven seven she'll be eight next month okay so when you're still checking butts yeah like i still have to check her butt that's strange too like i'm still in charge you must have trusted your kids more. This may be out of my, maybe it was in my department.

Maybe you didn't check butts. My husband does not check butts. I don't even know if he knows they have butts. I'm going to be honest with you. I have, I've been around. I've done a lot of traveling. I've done a lot of reading. I've been in medical facilities.

I've been in family reunions. Okay. I've talked to people at carpool. I've hung out at cocktail parties. Yeah. I've been at Chucky Cheese with a lot of people. That subject never came up. Do you check your kid's butts?

No one is going to bring it up. Right. Unless they are someone like me. Normal, regular. I mean, you're talking, first of all, to civilians. Number one. Number two, not on a podcast. And number three, not a comic.

And number four, not an immigrant gypsy who has like lotions and potions. and I have droppers of things. I have tinctures. Yeah. I've dropped tinctures off at your house. I have little, you know what I mean? It's like a Harry Potter's wizard school in my house. Yeah.

So I check butts and I do it. What are you looking for? Whatever might be in there. I don't know what's in your butt right now. Money. It's like the worst city bank commercial. What's in your wallet? No, cut.

Let's do something better, guys. What's in your butt? And it's a city bank card. I think I just pitched them a new ad. We're going to cut that out, Joey, because we don't want them to. We don't want, no, I'm going to pitch it. No, bring me with you. I.

You check butts for everything. What do you find? Well, dirt. Oh. Not poop either. Just like life. They go to camp. Like Lynn?

And they, yes, they come back from, absolutely. Jacks. All the stuff that I brought here on your podcast was in one of my kids' butts. That robot. Where is Kira's bread, by the way? Oh, no. In a butt. Let me check your butt.

Oh, my God. This is coming from Lodgebread. Abraham, I've got a haircut. I just noticed that. Very tight. You know, it's so sweet of you knowing that I'm not even going to eat it. I know, but I think your family might. They might.

What do you mean? They might or they won't? Okay. We're a bunch of weirdos. I know you're weird. We're weirdos. We are gluten-free. Okay.

So, Joey, you just got a bread. Just cut that. part out too let's just cut Abraham Lincoln she just got a bread so you wouldn't I thought when I was coming here that you would

not eat it right but that maybe your husband would I've convinced him I brought him on to the dark side I did yeah there's no more wheat in your house no right so you're not gonna find wheat

in our butt well that's one thing you will not I'm not gonna give you that then I'm going to give you this bottle cap. Okay. That's fair. I will recycle it. Boom. See, reduce reuse.

So when you're still looking in butts. Yeah. Yeah. You don't imagine a world. You can't even imagine a world where they would be taking off. No. And at 12 years old, he's going into eighth grade next year. Seventh.

Seventh. A little slow going into seventh grade. He's actually around a little while. The oldest one in his class, but okay. It's a December birthday. Whatever that nonsense is. I don't know. I look.

It's so. It's so, I'm so, I raised kids so long ago, I don't remember. It was different. Now I'm a naked pot smoker in my, are you got, you guys aren't going to move, are you? No. Okay. There is a little, there may be some moves to do that,

but I'm going to deny it. Okay. Both kids are going to be East Coast. Yeah, they're on the East Coast. And, but, my one is going to. to graduate from college next year. And the other one is in love with California.

She's actually saying, do not tell the house I'm coming home. Okay. So you don't know where they're going to live. Like, we're just talking about, like, you just want to be near them. Right. But what if they're split? What if one's east, one's west? Right, right, right.

But you have a favorite, so you know where to go. Yeah. You know. Yeah. Here's the thing. It's like some kids take a gap year or they do a year. or they do a year abroad. Yeah.

She's just doing that for college. Right. She's just taking a gap year in college for one year and then she comes back here. So yeah, don't move. Okay. This is a very expensive gap year for her. Yeah. Yeah.

What are colleges? Like $50 grand a week? Pretty much. Yeah, close. Very close. But it will be a break from the tuition I was paying in high school. Holy cow. unbelievable.

But it worked. It did work. It worked. So it's worth it. It did work. Yeah. It was very good. So where I live, you know, elementary school goes to sixth grade.

Uh-huh. So he's officially starting junior high next year. And I've heard nothing but horror stories. Oh, no. And I don't know what to do. I'm horrified. And I feel like I might go to James. because I'm going to do something.

Beat up other children? Yeah, I feel like I might beat up a kid. All right, so here's what you're going to have to do. And I'm going to suggest this, knowing that there's complications, but it might be good. You have to send them to Catholic school. Okay, but can I tell you why that won't work for us? Because you're Jewish.

No, that's fine. Whatever. I'm Jewish by profile only. because my husband went to Catholic school. You're right. And I don't like that. What? I don't.

I don't like that, like what he told me about. You know what I mean? Yeah, but he's, it's a different generation. No, but everything was intertwined like a math problem. You know, if Jesus had 12 disciples and one of them left. Like, it's, like, everything, it's intertwined in all of their schooling. Yes, it is. That's nuts.

Tell them that it's. dinner. But then he's around nice kids. But are they? But are they? Better than this hellhole you're talking, describing up there in the woods going to that middle school. Yeah.

Or how about just something with a little religion? And we're going to the best one. We're going to the best public school. The best. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, oh, there's TikTok challenges. And what these kids do is they go into a bathroom and they rip the sink off the wall.

I'm like, what? Oh, no? And they're like, yeah, this is real. Like, it happens. They lock the bathrooms now. They lock them? What the hell? All right.

So. I got to run for mayor, right? Do you have options? Do you have options? Oh, can I? How much is this podcast paying me? Maybe I can. Can I plug another friend who's running for mayor?

Great. Yeah, sure. I would like to take this time to officially announce my friend, Colin Quinn, for the mayor of New York City. Quinn for the win. No one knows New York better than Colin. No one knows every ethnicity within the five boroughs. He loves New York. He's good for New York.

He's reluctant leader. He doesn't necessarily want this job. But I am officially announcing and putting out in the world, Colin Quinn for mayor of New York City. Quinn for the win. Is that real? Yeah. I'm trying to make it happen.

Wait. Oh, he doesn't want to run. He's not running. He's not. Totally opposed. I brought it up. He's got some great ideas. He's going to have a sleeper car on the subway.

What? Yeah, because you need the homeless people to be able to rest. You have one car where they can rest and there's a professional person in there. And he's really good. He's going after the rats. He hates rats. Okay. We have a big rat problem right now.

So he's going to go for the rats. Okay. So he's reluctant. But he's thought. about it before. We're going to have to draw him out. It's good for the city. I think that's going to be a good story, a good narrative of he didn't want it, but he did

it just for the good of all of us. No, it's good to force people into politics. Quinn for the win. Just because it rhymes. Soltanovich. Oh, no. Ain't no bitch. Oh, interesting. Kira.

I don't want you as my campaign manager. Kira. Wait a second. My real. Real last name is Soltonovich, my married last name, Finnegan, which also rhymes with win. We're doing it. Finnegan, with Finnegan, we win again. With Finnegan, we win again. Done. All right. Okay.

All right. We can't tell the people, is this all of L.A.? No, no, I'm announcing right now. Okay. No, no, we're just in my little burrow. I'm announcing Finnegan for the win again. And I will have a sleeper car. We don't have a subway where I live, but still, we will have a sleeper car. Some.

Dinosaurs! Oh, man. I feel like I have to do that. So I did run for my kids elementary school has like a, it's like a parent liaison with the city, with the school district. Okay. And I did run for that. Yeah. And I won.

Yeah. Okay. So now I'm an inside, I don't know if I should have to announce this part. Mr. Lincoln, please delete this part. But I'm like now, I want to be like a person with like saying, no, with logic. Logic. Like sanity. I don't know if I told you this last time.

I feel like maybe I did. Did you know they have a rule on their campus? It's a no touch campus. So when they play tag, they can't, they just have to reach for the other person. And they touch their force field. Tag. I tagged you. What about that move when you?

What kind of bullshit? Yes. What kind of pacification of our children? What are they doing? That's ridiculous. Makes no sense. This is where in the elementary school? Yes.

No touch school. So you just go, tag. It's teaching them like anything I want. I just point to it. Corner office. Promotion. I'm reaching towards it. It's a real problem.

What are we doing? So honestly, that is the thing that sent me over the edge. I was like, I got to, because if you just complain as a parent, they can ignore you or they can give you a reason. Why, well, Johnny fell once when someone tagged him and knocked all his teeth out and his spleen exploded. And now he can't eat unless he uses a tube or some bullshit. If it was that big, you might entertain it. But it's, he really didn't like being tagged.

Yeah. And he was it. He was it. And that made him uncomfortable. And we're raising pussies. Yeah. Sorry. That's just what it is.

It is true. And I cannot stand it. It doesn't help them. No. They go out in the world and they're like, what is happening? out here. And also in L.A., some parts of L.A., when it's like really, really hot, can be over a hundred. Yeah. It's a walking recess. Like they're in prison. They're supposed to just walk the campus. Like they get like a prison, like, hey, you get one hour of fresh air, walk, walk it off.

Like maybe I'd express where they just walk around the thing. What is this? What is this? So, yes, maybe I, do you think I have a future in politics? Yes, you do. But I don't want it. I'm also reluctant. No one wants it. No. But we have to do it for our communities. I truly. And look, I would do it, but my children have moved on. I am now, have other pursuits.

I'll help you with your campaign. Are you going to be like one of those bored, empty nester people that decides to like, you know, I don't know, like put a pigeon thing, a house like on your roof and you talk to them? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. in restaurant before the crowds come.

Although Mike Tyson does that, so I probably shouldn't disparage it. But like, you know, like one of those, like a weird collector. Are you going to be a weirdo? I'm not. My wife might be. For sure. Because my schedule, like, you know, I. Yeah, you're busy.

I've got a lot stuff and a lot of it takes place in the house. And so it's, it's, I don't see that changing all that much. Right. But she's going to, like, get, like, coins or something. Oh. We had a lot of family, and they were all there for the graduation, and then it was late. I heard her going down the hallway,

and I just heard her mother something like, when I start my woodworking. That's dangerous. Yeah, so she might be a woodworker. She can have all of my husband's stuff. He bought, like, the leave? Is that what you call it, a thing? The lathe.

Lave. He got. He got, I told you this. Yeah, and the saws. He has blocks of wood. He's like, well, that's going to be a bowl one day. Is it? Is it?

Because right now it's just. He also has lots of other modeling crafts. He finally, I shamed him. You did? Into, he's finally doing it. He's getting rid of them. He's, no. Oh, he's playing with them.

He's playing with them. He's painting the models. Finally. I shamed him. Well, good. He had cabinets filled with stuff. It's not. Okay. It's not okay. I mean, I like the idea of like, hey, I'm going to start working up. I'm going to start

cycling and you get all the gear and motivate you. But if you don't actually do the thing. Yeah, you can't spend three years putting on your elbow path. All right. Un-Velcro, Velcro. All right. Hold on. Let me check this one again. Go. Do it already. Oh, that's good. Well, my wife is going to be similar, I think. I'll sell her all of our stuff. Here's a scenario. Oh. There could be because of the cross-country thing. There could be a world in which one of us stays with the dogs and the other one goes to the other coast to see the family. I think that's called divorce. Is it? Yeah.

I think that's the traditional word for it. Wow. Oh. But I like you renaming it. It's kind of like how vegans have, you know, plant-based meats. Touch-free marriage. That's right. I love you.

Just right over here. It's not okay. Well, good luck with that. Thank you. Yeah. So you're going to run for, you're going to run and then get your kids. You have to change the school or are you going to try and look for another school? I think you should look into the Catholic thing.

I really do. Okay. This is the truth. Honest truth. We did look into the Catholic schools during COVID. Okay. Because they were open. Right.

Okay. Because they had God on their side. And they, I looked at the application. I went online. I started filling it in. Okay, so far so good. Finigan, so far so good. Nice, Catholic name.

Okay. Attach the letter from your priest or your, you know, person of clergy. Yeah. And I was like, oh. It's easy. I mean, I chat GPT. I got my kid into a Catholic swim team back in the day. But she had to prove she could walk on water first.

And all you have to do is show up. at the thing and be like, you know, we've been coming here for years. There's 20 bucks. They wanted to, they wanted an attachment. You know how it works? You have to like upload a document. Can't just show up. No, I'm saying that, like, you can get them to sign off that you're...

Oh, so you're saying lie in front of God? Yes. Oh, wow. It's the Catholic Church. No wonder you're getting divorced. It's the Catholic Church. The whole key is that you sin all week and on Sunday, you're forgiven and then you start over. Can I ask you what my 12, what would you have said in this situation?

My 12 year old recently asked me. He goes, so let me get this straight. Some religious people believe you could be a criminal, do horrendous, awful things. Yes. And then right as you're about to die, you go, sorry, sorry, sorry. Right. And I go, I think so. I think that's how it were.

I don't know. I go, you're asking your mom, the Jew. Right. Ask your dad the bad. The bad Catholic would say you have to, it has to be real in your heart. Oh, because criminals don't know how to lie. They can lie, but God knows the line. All right, thank you for that.

I told him, yes. Yeah, he thought, like, it's just all a racist. And I go, well, that's if you believe in hell. Luckily, you're a Jew. Right. And it doesn't exist. So you can sin all you want. That's why Jewish girls can give blowjobs.

Oh. That's why. Yeah, if you were curious. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for realzies. No, that's 100%. There was never any guilt. Right.

But they do have a reputation of stopping that once they're married. Who? I want names. No. That's the rap. But that might be all women. Yeah, probably. Nothing to do with a little hovin and gila in your life.

Oh, also, what would you have done in this situation? situation. Yeah. Oh, we're driving. This just happened yesterday. Uh-huh. And we're behind a van at a red light. Yeah.

And my 12-year-old goes, what's a coroner? And my seven-year-old's in the back. And I go, that says coroner. Oh. And he goes, oh, what's a coroner? I said it's somewhat, like I have to be. honest. Yes, you do.

I said it's someone who, you know, when someone passes away, they arrive and they're going to help. They're stuck the dead people. Okay, I didn't say that. But I just thought I could end it at, and then they're there to help. A seven-year-old in the back goes, so what's in that van right now? And I go, I don't know. And my, and my 12-year-old goes, so there could be.

a dead body in that? Like we're all just sitting at a red light and I'm like, green! The seven-year-old starts crying. Oh, yeah. And I go, or it's empty, it could be full of balloons. Like I'm looking behind her like, maybe there's balloons in there. Maybe coroner's his clown name. That would be an awesome name.

Patent pending. Patent pending for all of this. This whole conversation I'm pitching, Coroner the clown. Can I tell you? tell you a slight mistake I made in those situations. Yeah. Because I would say that it was the clown. Probably not, whatever.

You wouldn't have said the truth. I, if, yeah. Especially with my younger. Yeah. And there is, there's a real, real disservice to not getting them comfortable with the scary, ugly parts. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So it's good that I, it's good that I told her. Yeah, 100%. Okay, okay, okay. You should have been, you should have said, yeah, it's a dead guy. Okay. They may have, we don't know if he's on his way to the slab where they're going to fill him up with. Oh, Jesus.

Or maybe he's already had his lips sewn and is in his favorite suit and is going to the funeral home. You could give him. Can we split the difference? Please. Yeah, that was aggressive. But she's very, very sensitive. Extremely. That's her growing, I know, mine too.

We went to Waterworld at Universal. And if people don't know, it's a stunt show. Yeah. And it's actually really, really good. And there's people falling into water from like three stories. And there's a lot of explosions and people getting stabbed. It smells like oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then some guy getting lowered into like a vat of acid. I mean, it's well done. Yeah. She cried hysterically the whole time. She was like, get me out of this hell. Yeah. That's what she said, hell. Just get me out of this.

And I didn't even think that, and I go, oh, they're actors. Oh, look at the end. They're all going to come and take a bow. And she's just bawling. I know. I know. And my instinct was, well, she's bawling. All right, this is too much.

Let's get out of here. But there are so many situations like that that it's now she's older and still like, what? What are you talking about? Well, there was an earthquake someplace and blah, blah, blah. Like, she's still super, it's a fine line between preparing them for the world and not making them scared of the world. But I think you got to get used to it because it just keeps coming all the time, right? I mean, life just hits you with, you know, every time I put the newspaper down on the counter, it's like, here's another example of why the world is rough. Why do you have a newspaper?

My God. Oh, my God. Not only do I have a newspaper. I have a pipe. No. I have smoking jackets. I have rotary phone. You're not going to need that jacket because you're going to be naked smoking.

I know. We're naked under that. Can't wait. I want to ask you another piece of advice, but I feel like maybe you don't give good parenting advice. I do. I just gave you good parenting. No, no, no.

The lip zone was awful. I got you into a good school. You didn't get me into anything. They want a letter from a priest. Okay, but maybe we check into Episcopalian school. They all want a letter. Where I live. We can get them a letter.

All right, if you can get me some black market letter saying that we are great Catholic slash Christians. When they see the Manichevits on this face, they're going to know something's up. They're going to know. Let me tell you something. Okay. You naive, young, beautiful girl.

Okay. You know it's more important than you getting a great glowing thing from priest-my priest-priest. Yeah. You dropping in your letter, your good friend, Mr. Jay Leno. Oh, really? Your television credits.

You think. Okay. That stuff. Yes. A hundred percent. Promise them a tour of one of Jay's hangers with all the cars inside? I'm going to let you know who you're dealing with. This is a show business, Sally.

She's got connections. She writes checks. She's on television. Yeah. That's... You know, one of my first gigs in Hollywood was for the History Channel. I mean, I'm talking, I just got here, like, the next day. Yeah.

Who's the horror that Jesus fucked around with? Oh, my God. Who was her name? She was forgiven. Okay, but I played her. Ooh. So I could drop that. That's good.

Right? Hey, who knows horrors better than me? I kissed Jesus' feats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he kissed her feet. Oh, yeah, no, but I think there was some washing of feats. He kissed her feet. Yeah.

Oh, that was a great scene. You should have seen my face when they dragged me off. Dress up like her. That's right. And the priest will really like you. Like, oh, this, this is from set when I was on the Jesus show for National Geographic. I'm so. Trust me.

Getting into these is not the problem. 50 bucks is 50 bucks. You deciding whether you want to go is the only thing we have to wrestle with. If you decide this is good for your child, we'll get you in. All right. So then just send the invoices to you? Oh, they're going to charge you? Yeah.

How much? A lot. Is it a lot? Yeah. You're doing well. What were you doing in Kahn, by the way? I hadn't seen you in so long. And then all of a sudden, there's my son.

stunning friend looking like a supermodel. Come on. In the south of France. I know. It was nuts. Very jealous. It was fun. I learned so much.

First of all, we in America need to get our shit together. Oh, in what way? I've been to the south of France before, but as a tourist. So you're just walking around, snapping some pictures, getting some expensive coffee, you know? It's kind of like being in Silver Lake, right? You know what I mean? She's like walking around.

It's fancy. It's beautiful. And then we moved on to the... next little town. Then I came back a couple weeks ago working. Right. Show business person. Right.

And I'm looking around and I'm like, holy cow, everybody here is. And I get it. It's the film industry, right? It's show biz. You were there to host something. I was there. So it was the film festival was going on. Okay.

And kind of like, you know, there's the Sundance. And then down the street is like slam dance. Right. It's kind of like one of those things. Like, hey, we're going to. glom on to you. Right. And while everyone's here, we're all going to mishmash together and

all mingle. So it was an awards for influencers. Oh, okay. So it was all these people that have 5 million Instagram followers and 6 million TikTok and 20 million Twitter, whatever. Joey, see why we weren't invited? Yeah, Joey, can you take a look and see?

And the people that run the festival, that award show rather, have hosted in the past. And they were like, Hosting is hard. Yeah. Because it is. Yeah. And they said, let's get a comic.

Mm-hmm. And they saw me do stand up and called me. Nice. And I was like, did you see me do stand-up? Yeah, but you're doing crowd work. I do a lot of crowd work. I think that's probably what they saw. Yeah.

And it was, I think it was. I did a set in Russian, all crowd work. Right. And the people that run this award show actually are from Ukraine. So they kind of liked it. And it's international. Right. So they kind of like that I'm kind of international.

Right. So. Finnegan Sultanovich. That's right. I'm hyphenated. So I had to write jokes for every single person that was nominated and won and all that and all the everything. And then I get there and I look at the English level and I go, I might have to scratch all that.

All of these. Right. Because there's people from Korea and people from Italy and people from everywhere. Yeah. Obviously, France and the States and everywhere. It's a lot of writing that you did. I did. Yeah.

So, you know. It's all you're focused. You know all the subjects. It was fun. But why is America to get their shit together? What do you mean? Everything there was just, like, shiny. You know, the people look like they care.

Uh-huh. You know, it's Europe. Yeah. People dress differently. There's no yoga pants. And if they are, they are Americans for sure. Like, I didn't even pack yoga pants. Right.

I was, no, you know what I mean? Like, I traveled in a blazer because I wanted to land looking like I fit in. And it's just, they're healthy. They smoke like lunatics. I know. And they're healthier. How is that? They have dinner at midnight and they're alive.

Like, what is going on? There's a secret. There's drinking. There's dinner at all times. But you are also in a show business. It's a fancy area. I get it. If you go to some rural part of France.

There's money. Everybody is a supermodel. The girl that cleaned my room. I looked at her and I go, sweetheart, you need to be on a cover of a magazine. And she goes, I know. Like they all know. Like every waiter, every waitress, they're all gorgeous. Yeah.

It's unbushed. It is unbelievable. It is unbelievable. They really, and then the minute I land and I'm in line going through immigration and custody, you know what I mean? And I just look at these American mugs. And I go, come on. Comfortable shoes.

Come on. I know. Don't have any more yellow number five or red number 40. None of it. Why is everyone wearing new balance? Yes. Skechers with no real soul to them. I had a break down a couple weeks ago because I've been trying to get in shape for my physical.

Oh. And I, so I've been working out more and running more. Yeah. I wanted to bring my running shoes, but I had my show shoes and then my running shoes and the shoes I was going to wear in the airport, which are normally boots. I couldn't fit them all because I had all this equipment and things in my carry-on. So I did the thing I never wanted to do, which is wear my running shoes as my shoes. I felt like such a rube.

I felt, it's like, what is wrong with me? Because then you look, because then you see everybody else marching on theirs, and they're not getting in shape, they're just wearing them because they're comfortable and easy and is lazy. It just seems lazy. What happens when your kids leave empty nest, you start putting on those new balance. Like their dress shoes.

That's exactly what happens. Exactly, and I'm not going to do it. I'd rather have high blood pressure. Slippery slope, my friend. It's bad. Yeah. I know, but I used to travel like I was a homeless transient. I really did.

Like, I didn't care. No more. That was years ago. That was years ago. No, you look good when we travel together. Sure. You always look good. I just have to, like, get my luggage game up.

Uh-huh. I love my disgusting, broken down, rickety, clackety, clackety, clackety, luggage so much. I don't know why. I've never had a relationship with an inanimate object like I have with my luggage. I refuse to get rid of it. Why? Because it's still allowed in the overhead bin, because it's so old, but it is one of the bigger ones, and they don't sell them that. They don't. Yeah. I got a new one, the same brand, and my wife, it was such a bad moment,

because my wife bought it for me for my birthday or something, and my kids had gone with my wife to the luggage store to get it. Yeah. And it was like a big ordeal. It was like, it took hours. It was the whole thing. And I opened it and immediately was like, this is smaller. Yes. And my kids were horrified that I wasn't like, thank you so much. I was just like, mm-mm. It's not going to work.

This isn't going to work. Order up with a new balance. But there is no way around it. You have to. They don't allow them anymore. They don't make them, yeah. It's like swimming pools. Yeah.

They don't want you to fill an 80-foot-long pool anymore, which they used, again, my old house. My old house, those pools are not. Not allowed anymore. That pool was 11 feet deep. They're not allowed. It takes up all the water in the city. I know.

So now they're just like, no. And even like if you want to get a new pool put in. The contractors are like, legally I can't do anything bigger than, you know, a bathtub with a jacuzzi next to it. It's just, so I'm reluctant to let it go. And it's so, it's like one of those suitcases that like gorillas throw around in a commercial. Do you know what I mean? Like it's just indestructible. And it's gross.

But I'm like, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. I just. I do remember that making noise. Yeah, no, it's bad. There's like only three of the four wheels. So you're faced with my dilemma. What's that? You've got three pairs of shoes.

One of them's got to go. Yeah. You've got your show shoes. You've got your boots and you've got your running shoes. Mm-hmm. You're going away for a week. One's got to go back in the closet. Can you wear your show shoes to the airport?

Yeah, I guess. Here's the thing. When I work out, I don't do any of that bullshit treadmill, all that. No cardio. So I can be barefoot. What? Yeah. That's not.

Yes. Wait. No. What's wrong? No. What happened? No. All right, so I'm in the gym.

Okay. And I come in to work out. And there is monkey girl. Lifting weights. With your bare feet all over the place? On my big toe knuckle, because I have hair there. Is that why you're calling you that? That's real.

No, it's because you have no shoes on. Okay, socks. You can have socks. But the thing is, when you're just doing like push-ups and sit-ups and standing there with weights. Yeah, but you should have your shoes on. We're in a public place. Well, yeah, but I always bring flip-flops.

Oh, you don't bring flip-flops. Okay, no, I don't wear flip-flops. Yeah, I bring flip-flops. You never know when you'll find. a Russian banya. That's true. So I went to Canada. Okay.

And Dana Moon came with me. I don't know if you know Dana. And she's a comic. Very funny. And so I message her. And I said, bring a bathing suit. Don't ask me any questions. She didn't get it in time and didn't bring a bathing suit.

And I went to a Russian spa without her because I wait for no one. And I found because a lot of. Because it's Calgary. And a lot of Russians move to Calgary. And there were Banya's galore. Really? Yeah. So I always have my, I always have a bathing suit and a flip-flops.

Smart. Right? Yeah, because converse, I could go lift weights and exercise in converse. Sure. And those are like flip-flops. They're flat. Yeah, they, how did that shoe ever make it to the NBA? Well, you know what?

They say that if you wear those shoes, it's actually better for your feet. We have all of this unnatural support. Yeah. That your body can handle it. Your body, especially when you're an athlete at 19 years old. Do you really need giant? But there's nothing. Converse shoes are like just an extra pair of socks.

I know. There's nothing. It does. There's no protection. But when I first started like, Going back to them, it was like, how can I walk through New York in these? It's ridiculous. I'm like, my socks.

It feels very. After a while, totally no problem, because now my feet are super strength. Colin Quinn has to campaign and converse. Quinn for the win. Quinn for the win. And Finn again, too. Can you just add me? Just when you're doing his stuff?

Just add me in, too. I have to know what district we're trying to win. Well, I live in. So just up there. I don't need to be mayor of Los Angeles. All right. Yeah. We don't need that.

No, no. I just, the little 200,000 people that live where I live. We can beat them. Yes. Come on. I don't know. Will they, are they ready for a female? All you got to do was try.

No one else is trying. You know what I mean? No one's trying. No one's trying. And I campaigned around my kids elementary school. You did. I did. I was like, hey, did you know.

Did you know that you can vote for me? Yeah. They were like, what? Let me just forward it. I'll just text it to you right now. Make it easy. I made it as easy as possible. Nice.

That's what it is. Yeah. It's just convenience. That's it. Brilliant. When you were in France, were you like, I wish Tom was here? 100%. Yeah.

Yeah. I felt that. I wish I could walk these streets and converse with Tom. How many nights was the thing, one night? Yeah, but you know, there's the pre-party and the post-party and the other day party and the next thing. And then I wanted to stay an extra day because everybody was leaving Ken on Saturday. And it was nuts. There was like one flight at 5 a.m.

And it's international, so you've got to get there on Tuesday. So I stayed one extra day. And then that's when the guilt set in that I didn't bring Mike. Oh. Or you. I mean, you. Sorry, you. Oh, gosh.

Lincoln. Who was Mike? So I did feel a little guilty. You did? I did. Because then it's done. The show's done. All my stress is done.

Yeah. I was. Then you're enjoying yourself. And then I was like, oh, I'm going to have another meal. Do you think you'll get more hosting gigs like that because it went so well? I would love it. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what it is? It's another muscle. It's kind of like when you write your books or you do your, you know, the what was the hometown show that you did? Oh, I forgot to bring you a book. Oh, my gosh. Son of a hoo-ha. I can give you that copy. No, no.

If that's safe for someone else, I don't want to take some. Well, it's the galley. It's not that. But am I in this one like I was the last one? No. Oh, I'm not interested. No. Anyways, so, yeah, you know, after a while, it's nice to have company.

Yeah. But. But it's also great. Yeah. Just sleep in a bed with no, like a starfish, no one's there. Oh, my God. It's pretty great. Wake up whenever, have as much coffee as I wanted, which was a lot.

I thought today was the day I was going to be able to finally sleep in after weeks of book promotion running around the country. And then we had 14 members of my family for the graduation from all parts of the country. It was this big thing. And they all just left out of like, oh, tomorrow, I don't have to do the radio show. I'll just go see Kira and do the podcast and forgot that my daughter needs to get to the airport. So at 6 a.m. I'm driving down the 405. What?

You know there's Uber. I know, but. You want to be a good dad. Yeah. Yeah. Drove her. Yeah. So dumb.

But she's set in the back still, I bet. She did because my wife came. Oh, okay. Okay. I was like, I want to come too. Oh. Like, why do we both have to do it? That's when you leave and go back to bed.

I should have. You should have. You know, it's bad because she's already expressed how much she's willing to do. Women are always, we're always going to do more than you. Yeah. Just take the back. Because we're more clever. You're a vice parent.

What? You're a vice parent. Right. You know, it's just kind of like a fun role in case the real parent can't do the job. Right. Then the vice parent comes in. Yeah, my wife has been so busy wrapping up school that the laundry. is out of control.

And I feel like that's grounds for divorce. So you know Beth Lapidus show? Yeah. So I have to always write something new for that show because they don't, she doesn't want you to do stand-up, stories, right? And I wrote something for that show. I'm like, this is, this is sort of the cheesiest thing I've ever written,

but I'm trying to, like, tell you what happened this week. Uh-huh. I sent my husband a sexy text. Uh-huh. And I said, I'm not wearing underwear right now. And he wrote back, really? And I wrote, because you promised to fix the washing machine. It's so not me.

But when you said that, that's what I thought of. Like, yeah, because I can't do laundry. Dush. Come on. You said you would fix it. The laundry is piled high in my house right now. And I do not know. This is not the woman.

This is not the marriage I married into. You signed up for, yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry for your. This is difficult. It really is hard. Thoughts and prayers. It's hard. Did you teach your daughters how to do laundry?

I didn't. Okay. My wife didn't either. Okay. There seems to be a lot of piling up and... My friend's son moved back. He went to college and then he moved back home. Yeah.

Because they did not teach him how to live without them. Right. 100%. He actually even admitted it. Really? Yeah, he goes, I don't know. There's so much. You got to buy groceries.

You got to make the food. You got to clean up after your... They're like, we didn't teach you that? No. You've been doing everything for me. So he's back now. So teach... Well, you're too late.

Too late. But I got to teach them. They're good. They know it, but they also take advantage when they're around me. Especially in the kitchen. They know because I'm in there making bread and cooking and stuff.

They know if they leave it, I'm just going to clean it. Oh, man. Yeah. They just walk. They just, like, get up like they're leaving a restaurant. Right. They've done eating.

They put the fork down. That was really great. All right. What's on TV? Someone else will get a big, one of those big gray bins, and you start busing the table. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

A restaurant, they at least leave you money. Yeah. They take the money. They take all of my money. Double whammy. I know. Do your kids. kids know how to break into all of your accounts and steal your money?

No, is that a thing? That's coming. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I just realized something. No, this isn't breaking into my account, but I gave my 12-year-old, I've been letting him go into stores and pay for stuff without me because I want him to learn transactions. And I go, here's whatever, 50 bucks, pay for the pizza.

He did not give me the change. And I just remembered. Yeah, he's got cash. He has my cash. And then they start to figure out how to take it off their phone. I just, I just, I set up a nest camera to, we were missing a cat. And I set up, I changed the angle to see if I could just see him wandering. Sometimes he goes out and just doesn't come back for a while.

I just will make sure he's alive. I didn't catch any cats. All I saw was delivery people bringing a single Starbucks before school. No. Somebody bringing donuts. Somebody bringing nonstop. I'm like, how is she getting the money? On my phone, she got into my Apple Pay and was...

And it installed it onto her phone? Yeah. Yeah, we're like a family account and she's like, oh, I found another loophole. Wow. Yeah. They're all just hackers, this whole generation. It's a generation of hackers. Yeah.

So we're looking into a phone for my kid because now it's junior high. Right, because he had the, he had the. He has a watch. Right. That just makes phone calls. And it's so cute because he looks like he's like a spy where he's like talking into his watch, you know. It just makes phone calls and texts, right? Right.

So I'm looking into all these different phones where you can add social media as you see fit. You can take the browser off. You can do all these things. You can configure it and make it as lame as you want. Like here's a calendar and duolingo. You know what I mean? This is it. This is all you get and take some pictures, but you can't send them.

You can't send your penis to anybody because we disabled that. Oh, can you imagine if you could disable someone's penis? Oh, what a dream. The world would be so much of a better place. But then you read these articles because I'm researching. And also all the names are like so lame. One of them's called bark. Yeah.

And one's like schmutsy-tuts. You know, they're all like these kizo-lutso names. So then they warn you. But be aware because if you get, because you know they'll compare brands. Our brand is safe and you can't hack into it. This brand, they can completely hack it. so that their front page is whatever you set it up to me. And then there's some secret, secret dark web behind it.

Of course. I said, we were trying to figure out all this stuff when my kids were starting. And I give them different devices and different things. And I came to the conclusion, these kids, if you gave them a block of wood, they could get online with it. Jeez. They're like, I got a Snapchat account on this block of wood. But mommy was going to use that as a bowl. Oh, my gosh.

Is that insane? So they're just smarter than us. Oh, much smarter. It is hard. We're discussing that today with my daughter on the way to the airport at 5 in the morning. We're trying to figure out, are these phones good for us, or are they more good than bad? It's bad. It's bad.

My daughter was like, well, the greatest mental health crisis that we've ever had in history. pretty bad. Wow. So she's able to acknowledge that. Yeah. Because most kids her age are going to be like, no, my gosh, I can FaceTime with my friends. Yeah.

No. And she can see all our friends and all these other kids, you know, suffering. And it's bad. Between the deluge of news, of horrible news, are you okay, Ram? That's honest. He needs a potty break? I think he might be throwing up.

Your words. Are you throwing up? Do you need to... You sure? I can check your butt. I'm good at... I'm good at checking butts. Yeah, I don't know what you'd find in there.

The Declaration of Independence. The Gettysburg Address. Yeah, it's... That's me. Oh, that's you? But it's on Vibrate. That's okay. Okay.

Look, we're discussing phones and now the phone knows. But it's been on Vibrate for 12 years. Terrible. I do think. I think... It's bad. Between all the news that just keeps hit and... You can't, like, TikTok is like, you know, every couple weeks,

my daughter would be come in and be like, what's a tsunami? What's restless leg syndrome? Oh, God. What's nuclear Armageddon? What's, I mean, just these, all the treats of the world just popping up on her phone. What is chronic depression? What is bipolar disorder? She speaks like she's a contestant on Jeopardy.

Yeah. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. And the answer is I have all of these things. Yeah. Mental health for a million? Then your friends and then you're a constant thing. And my young one, she watches shows like this.

She's on her phone. She's watching a show. You're the TV. And she's like this. And you're like, watch the movie with us. I am. And she really legitimately thinks, legitimately thinks. Wow.

She's concentrating on the show while she's looking at this. And, you know, she is ADHD and she gets distracted by things. But she thinks that because she has ADHD, she can look at this and that at the same. Right. You're literally, and I had to like really kind of like, wait, no, this is, if your eyeballs are here, you don't see what's there. But they believe that they can do the. things at the same time and you can't am i my my wife was saying you know they give them technology in school so you tell them you can't use your phone but here's an iPad uh for the lesson that's right

so yeah i don't know but is it is it an iPad that like they have free reign of everything no but again the block of wood still yeah she would come she would roll up and be like oh He has this constant, you know, the screen changes as she walks up behind as a teacher and be like, what are you doing? No, no, nothing. Why is your dad's Apple Pay on the screen? Yeah, right, exactly. Why is there a man for Starbucks?

Starbucks? Oh, my God. I know. Oh, God. No, I can see my older kid hacking into our bank account for sure. Yeah. The younger one, she's feral. You know that.

Yeah. Maybe when she's older, but I feel like this is her personality forever. Right. Yeah. Public policy polling. I got a text. Okay. See, the campaign's kicking off.

That's right. All right. We're back? They know? We're back, baby. My car is ready for pickup. Nice. The new car?

It's just, you know, just getting all the bips and bops. Okay. The bingles and the bangles. I have to go to the car wash after this because my, um, a birdie. bird on two of my handles. What? Maybe it was two birds. Handles?

Yeah, to get into the car. The door handles. Wow. On two of them. Bloop, bloop. Wow. One bird, right? I mean, that feels personal.

Yeah. That's not just a coincidence. No. Like, oh, you think you're all that? I was once shooting in Venice, and we had our actors dressed as Harry Krishna's. And real Hari Krishna's walked over to us and we're like, what the fuck are you doing? Like they were so rude and they were swearing and they were. And we were like, oh, it's just, we're just shooting like a pilot episode of something.

And they slashed my tires. What? Yes. They slashed your tires. They slashed my Hari Krishna with a tambourine and the pretty dresses and little cookies. Oh, my God. Went and they slashed my tires. Maybe they weren't really Harry Christians.

They were just on a rival show. Oh, that's probably what it was. You're right. You know what? I didn't ask for paperwork. You're right. They might not have been real. Son of a hoo-ha.

Yeah. So, yeah, those birds knew what they were doing. Jeez. Yeah. Are we doing San Francisco together? Did I ask you that? Yeah. We did, right?

I don't know. Palace of Fine Arts? Yeah. Yeah. We are. That's going to be fun. I, I've already performed there. Banya.

When did you perform there? When I was in ninth grade. What? On a cell, I had a cello solo solo that sounded a little bit like this. Oh, like yo-yo, ma. Awful. Do not tell kids they can be anything they want to be. We have to stop encouraging children.

Do your children play instruments? No. No. Although they both have great singing voices. Ooh. Really, really good. Angels. Yes.

Interesting. But I was terrible at the cello. And in high school, in the ninth grade, I was in the orchestra. I performed Palace of Fine Arts. And they gave me the solo. Ooh. Big mistake. And it was horrendous.

So I have a little PTSD at the Palace of Fine Arts, but I'll be fine. Well, this is your comeback. Well, I'll do some chakra healing. Are you going to bring the cello to the performance? Yes, I will. I will. I smash it and it sounds much better. We have to figure out where we're going to be,

because I think we're there and then maybe Salt Lake City the next day. I don't know. I'm trying to. I can't remember, but I have it in my calendar. We have to. We have to. It means we have to go in a day early. Oh.

Wait a second. That banya's open until midnight. After the show? Come on. There's naked has no o'clock. It's naked o'clock all the time. I feel like we could be naked now. No, we're not going to be naked.

No. No. Why? We were like family at this point. I don't mind looking at naked people while sitting next to you dressed in a bathing suit. It feels a little weird that we're the only people with clothes on. We're not the only people. We were. There were other people with bathing suits. Yes.

I don't think so. A scattering. A little sprinkling of other people. Maybe someone who worked there. Maybe the people that worked. Even the janitors, like naked. like cleaning the floors. Yeah, I feel like we're family.

It wouldn't matter. It feels, or maybe I'll just bring a Speedo. Will that make you more comfortable? Fine, I'll bring a Speedo too. All right. Are you more uncomfortable because you would be naked or because I would be naked? I think all of it.

And I'm not uncomfortable. But which is more uncomfortable? I feel like, and don't take this the wrong way. Yeah. I feel like your penis is probably just regular. I don't mean that small I don't mean I just mean like it's a Like if it was a brochure and they needed a penis

For the front of the brochure Right Like get Tom's fine Tom, Tom get over here Yeah I feel like it's like a good representation Of a healthy American penis I'm not worried about that

Right But I'm worried about being like my 12 year old When I'm getting out of the shower And just lingering And I'm not worried about You've seen this atrocity. I would. It is, you know those tsunamis that you're trying to keep your daughters away from?

Like, it looks like a medical disaster. There's so many stretch marks and just angry parts of my body that just are, you know what I mean? Like really, like a lot of stress. There's a lot of stress, you know? And it's like, it's just, and there's a Gandalf situation. It's awful. It's awful, awful, awful, awful. So I'm not worried, like, about, because I am naked a lot.

Right. But it's just more like, oh, he's, well, he's not going to have me on his podcast anymore. And more worried, like in the showbiz sense. So it's more about you than it is about. Yeah, I feel like your penis. I've probably seen a million of your penises. Again, with all due respect. I think it's because we're more, because I'm the same way.

I would not think twice about seeing you. But I would be like, oh, she's going to see the. My strange bits and that's I'm sure. There's also another problem as the boy. Here's the thing. Yeah. There are worse penises than yours. I guarantee it and I've seen them.

You know, I once dated a guy who's, it went to the left. And it was like, it's like having a lazy eye. Like where are you, where do I look? You know what I mean? It's like where, how do I, hey? Do you acknowledge it like straight on like it's normal? It's not. Or do you kind of like when someone is a lazy eye, you try to follow their eye, you know, like to be respectful.

There's no winning. If I am a girl. Yeah. I am Tammy Papa. Uh-huh. From the Breaking Bread with Tammy podcast. Yeah. But we're comedians and we're friends that way.

Yeah. Can we be naked? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Especially, do you have kids also? Yes. Oh.

No problem. No problem. No problem. Oh, interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem. That's interesting. No. No.

I saw a comic at a Korean spa once, and we were like, I guess we see each other's naked bodies now. You know, it was just, we ran into each other, and we're like, so this is what this is. Yeah, I don't feel, you know. Yeah. I mean, as the boy, there's also the problem of your penis becoming aroused. Sure. And then. But you're not going to.

gonna take it byacra? You're not gonna do Viacra. Isn't that the only way? Who needs that? Nobody, you're a healthy man who just took a pee break. I don't need it. I'm holding my pee. My prostate's fine.

It's very funny because it literally looks like he's eating your face. But I turned it to look myself. Eating your face. Can we talk about the green again? So disappointed. All right, listen. Listen, because I love you. Uh-huh.

And when we were at the other studio, you complained about looking green. I was excited to have you come here to the new studio because you're not going to look green and then you... And I'm green. You're not green, but there is green behind you. I am green. My skin... What color would you like? I like something just not anti-Semitic.

Why is green anti-Semitic? Because a lot of Jewish people have all of complexions. And so when you put them in front of green, it just looks like... I thought you were Irish. No. That's why we put that up there. No, thanks. We were like for your new campaign with Finnegan, we were going to do the...

Tell me a color and we will get it. Something that's just soft and neutral. Or like this nice earthy wooden wall behind you. That somehow you managed to get the gray earthiness. the undertones of like nature. Wow, Tom. Well, it is your show, so I guess you're the star. I don't want to see you naked anymore.

You didn't before, trust me. We'll give you any color you want. I mean, look, we're trying to make this space work. We need a backdrop. It's got to be able to collapse if we need to. So it's got to be kind of clothy. Well, then don't make it about me. I'm offering you.

Just give me a color. Anything. Anything but Auschwitz green. Joey, get hot pink. Joey, let me look in your butt. Come on. Let me just look in your butt. You'll bring Joey to this, Banya.

Yeah, I would. All right, we should probably go. What are you going to do the rest of your day? What's today? Friday. I have shows. You do? I'll get the kids from camp.

They'll be dirty and dusty. I hose them off on the front lawn before I even let them walk into my house. And yeah, and then I'll just be down at Comedy and Magic. Oh, nice. La Factory. Oh, that's good. Both tonight?

Yeah. Wow. I got to get some spots when I'm out. I don't do just one spot. Right. I have three minimum. Um, yes. Good for you.

Yeah. I know. Your Instagram is always filled with, uh, you're always somewhere. You're always trying. You're doing a ton in town. Yeah, but I might retire soon. So I can make time for politics. I know.

This is going to be big. Finnegan for the win again. Yes. We're going to win again with Finnegan. Can I count on your boat? All right. Anything we need to tell the people? Anything we should plug?

any of these social media? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Kira Comedy. I'm not in your book, so don't... You're not in the book, I apologize. No, don't plug that one. You know, I'm not really totally convinced that you're not. Oh.

It might be... Wow. It's weird because I haven't gotten any residual checks from the first book. Me neither. Welcome to books. All right, we got it, Joey. There you have it, kids. Kira just left.

and she was pretty mad. I don't know why I didn't even realize that... I mean, her background is green. I didn't think... I think the old studio, it was that green was reflecting onto her. But she's very pushy. Very pushy. We're going to have to change the color, Joey.

We're going to have to get a new color just for Kira. She's our most welcome-back guests, so let's accommodate her. She'll complain no matter what we get, but let's accommodate her. Thank you all for listening. Go to tompapa.com for all of the fun. You guys are the best. I hope your summer plans are starting to kick off.

Enjoy yourself.