Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 165 - Lara Beitz Returns!

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

Lara Beitz always makes me laugh and in this episode she'll do the same to you. Thank you to our sponsor Caldera Lab! Get 20% off top tier skin products at https://www.calderalab.com/papa Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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conversation with you I'd like to thank the good people a new sponsor here at the program clinically proven to reduce wrinkles, fine lines and signs of aging Caldera Lab is the leader in men's skin care and is here to save the day with your face. Get 20% off at calderaLab.com slash Papa. That's C-A-L-D-E-R-A lab. Caldera-Lab.com slash Papa. That's 20% off of caldera-lab.com. forward slash Papa. Jump into skin and first impression royalty with Caldera Lab.

I'll talk more about that later in the program, but they sent me their product, and I'm impressed. I'm impressed. And it's got, it actually has solutions for everything that's wrong with my face. So that's pretty good. I also like to thank everybody for purchasing. We're all in this together, so make some room. If you haven't yet, you probably should.

if you have and you enjoyed it, if you can go and review the book, that would be amazing. It helps to spread the word and add the reviews to Amazon or Barnes & Noble, wherever you get your books. And it's been difficult

because the one thing is that we do send people out to go buy books in all these different places and you get there and sometimes they're hard to find. I don't understand the book world. I don't understand why. I guess you have to be a bestseller

to have like a ton all in a stack right when you walk in the door. So we'll get there. This is the third book. Thank you all for buying it. It's going very well, and we want to keep the momentum going. Go to Tompapa.com to look up all of my tour dates.

We rescheduled one in Delaware. We got rained out at the Fremont Arts Pavilion, and we said, well, let's just make up the date rather than be here in the rain. So we're going back on August 6th, so everyone who had tickets to that, hang on to them, and we'll see you August 6th at the Fremont Arts Pavilion.

Also going up to Canada to see our good people up there. And a whole bunch of dates, we've got the Hamptons coming up. Of course, the big ones. Las Vegas, Joey, oh my God, we almost forgot again. We just announced we're going to Las Vegas at the win. A huge show on Labor Day weekend, September 2nd. We are going back to the Encore Theater at the win. Las Vegas, a great way to round out the summer.

September 2nd, come one, come all. It's going to be a great time. Tompapa.com for all the rest of that stuff. I am hot off of an adventure at the Jersey Shore. I tried to maintain. I tried to, I was running, I was exercising purely to eat all the garbage that you eat at the Jersey Shore. I had way too many hot dogs,

way too many bags of candy, ice cream went nuts. All the Jersey summer style, which is what you should be doing. And I had a listener actually send out a message alerting me, warning me, encouraging me.

Don't forget about the elephant ears. To have you eaten the elephant ears yet, and I had not. Joey, do you know what elephant ears are? Not as a meal. No. Elephant ears are these pastries, things that it's like a it's like a flat pastry that looks like a giant elephant here it's flat it's got

cinnamon and sugar on it it kind of swirls around and you just break it apart and eat it thank you whoever you are for giving me that suggestion reminding me i do it every year i sent my daughter out last minute to go get them what a treat so we rounded it all off we had bagels non-stop we had the only thing i The only slight display of self-control was I didn't eat Scrapple. We were in a restaurant, a diner, and my daughter asked me, what is Scrapple?

Do you know what Scrapple is? No, I do not. Wow, you were really learning a lot today. Scrapple is kind of like a sausage that, like a square that you slice up. a sausage that is made of the worst part of the pig than go in the hot dog. It's the best way I can describe it. My grandfather used to make it and he put it in flour and then fry it up.

It's delicious, but it's got to be horrible for you. And when I was sitting with my wife and my daughter, I can't do this. It's hard to eat wings in front of them as vegetarians. It's hard to eat scrapple. Once I described to her what is in it, I couldn't do it. but running during the day kind of balanced everything out and i think i haven't hit the scale i give myself a post vacation three days to dial it in before you get back on the scale and see you the damage but i don't feel like uh we're that that bad it's the summertime we're not here to

complain we're not here to um to worry lara who's on the program today has been on this amazing health journey let me tell you about lara bites I met her a couple of years ago and just a very funny person and she's such a conscientious joke writer. She's just so great. She's so funny. Her personality is just tremendous. She's great. She also has been on this health journey where she dropped a ton of weight and using that same discipline that she has with her comedy, I'm assuming.

I don't want to just say this is exactly, but from the outside, the way that you're just, she is just so thoughtful and so practical with her comedy and just her worldview. It seems like she applied that to her diet and has shown this incredible display of discipline. And her life is just a physical life and probably mental life is so much better because of all of it. It's very impressive. We talked about it last time on the podcast. We get into it again today. but just really, really talk about just taking your destiny in your own hands,

and it's very impressive. That's a small portion of what's impressive. The other part is just she's funny as all hell, and this conversation's great, and we have a lot of laughs. You're really going to enjoy it, so please welcome Lara Bites. Like the best way you can think of to get a hit of dopamine is to, like, tell someone they suck. the negative reaction that you get back yeah no exactly like what is going on in your life like what is what

it's so sad yeah it's so sad but i truly i'm not one of those people who can um just shut it off read everything and relish in it and then respond to it and uh if i see if i get a hint that something negative is starting to roll out, I have to shut it down. Like, I don't look at it. I can't. I can't. It's just too, I carry it. Yeah, I thought I could do it. And in the beginning, you know, I heard that you're supposed to respond to every comment. It boosts your engagement. More people see it. You'll get more followers.

And I thought I could do it. I was like, I cannot take this personally and not be mean to people and still say something in response to each one. And I'm saying things. Like sometimes I would just type like, I'm supposed to respond to every comment, and that would be my response. Or I did a lot of, I'm sorry to hear you didn't like my joke. Yeah. You know, just neutral stuff where it's like I, you know, I'm not out for blood and I'm not having an emotional response to what's being said to me. Yeah. But after enough of it, and this particular clip was brutal, after enough of it.

I was like, was it just a comedy kind of a thing? Yeah, it was just a clip of my stand-up. Right. It was a 20-second joke that I haven't told since December, you know. And that's what I think that these people don't get is like, I don't think my shit said great either, you know? Like, I'm not walking around being like, that was the funniest joke ever. Like, I hate myself more than you ever could.

A hundred percent. I'm much more critical. You don't think I hate my hair in this clip? Get out of my life. You got to be kidding me. Exactly. You're just looking at the clip. I'm driving.

my car thinking about myself yeah they're like your voice sucks i'm like imagine talking to everybody in this forever unbelievable yeah no i don't think the respond to everybody is the way to go it hasn't worked for me i tried it and it hasn't been a good fit no it's that it is like the worst advice i think i could ever hear yeah i mean i'm sure it's good for your social media numbers but at what cost no yeah it's much better i think it's you're much better served just telling jokes. Keep telling jokes and keep putting jokes up and keep being funny, which you are.

You're so damn funny. I was so great to see you at the comedy stories. I've been around in a bit. And like to come back in and then see your friend, have all stuff you haven't really heard before. And just every joke, you're so conscientious about jokes. It makes me so happy. It's like, look, there's all kinds of comedy.

But for my money, like someone who really loves jokes, loves writing jokes, loves the smart way of putting them together, that's my favorite. And that's what you do. It was so great to watch. Thank you so much. That means so much to me, especially coming from you and especially this week. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that after the things I've heard about myself this week. Yeah. And I have been in a groove.

Like I've been writing every day very methodically, trimming the fat on my jokes, rewriting my jokes, and like having new stuff pretty much every time I go on stage to try out or to do for the second or third time. And that's the most fun part of stand-up for me is like trying something new and having it get a laugh. And of course it's like I'll try a page or two worth of new material and have it get a laugh. And then that chunk turns out to be a 30-second joke. but it's still exciting to have a new 30-second joke. You could dine out on that for the rest of the month.

And then the thing that my brain does is then walks around thinking, I have a lot of new stuff, even though it's down to 30 seconds. And people be like, so what are you working? Yeah, I've been working a lot. And I may not have done anything really in the last three weeks, but that little one will carry me. Yeah. It's like an illusion, but it feels very real.

Yeah. Yeah, you have to write some crap to get to the gold. I was writing yesterday and wrote pages and pages and then would write it out, would think it was a really funny premise. Yeah. And then at the end would just write, none of this is funny. And then I just underlined it and moved to the next page. And then it happened again, you know, thought I had a really funny premise, wrote it out at the end just was like, none of this is funny. Because it wasn't, and that's okay.

But I'm like, I'm still two pages closer to the next funny thing. and I did come up with a new bit yesterday. Yeah. And then trimmed the fat, rearranged it, and rewrote it. And now I'm looking forward to telling it the next time I go on stage. That's the little treat too. Yeah.

Is that like next spot you have, you want to go do it because you have it. Yeah. Like I have a spot tonight and I've just been scatterbrained. Yeah. And haven't really thought about it and what's even the new joke that I want to try. Yeah. So I'm not really even into going.

Yeah. I'm just like, when I'm just going to go there, just go there? Yeah. Like when you have it and you've got this, it's fun. Like you're excited to go kind of crack it. Yeah, it's funny because often I find that the things that I think are going to be really funny to write about or the things that are so important in my life at that time where I'm like, oh, I have a lot to say about this and end up being the things where I can't find the joke.

And then things where I'm like, oh, this is nothing. are where, because it just takes a line or two, you know, and that can come from anywhere. Yeah. Oh, it's just so great. Yeah. Have you been on the road a lot lately? No, I haven't been on the road a lot lately. Yeah.

I have something coming up next month, and then a couple things in August, something in October. But yeah, it's pretty sparse. The road is fun, but also it always goes back and forth because they'll be on the road. I'll be like, I really miss the comedy store, and then you come back, and it's like, oh. This is so good to be back in the groove of doing the comedy store. Those sets are so valuable. Yeah. Because you go out and you can kind of get in your own little bubble.

Right. And then the clubs are so valuable for it. No, let's see if this really works for everybody, not just people that know and like you. Yeah, and when it rains at porous, like I know that there will be another time probably sooner rather than later where I'm like, oh man, I have this again. I have this, you know, where I'm traveling a lot and getting tired.

of flying and I've been in that place before and so I'm trying to just enjoy being in town. Yeah. Because it's nice. Right, I know. It is nice. And I was talking to a friend years ago and she was talking about a period of time when she was unemployed. And it was like three months and she was like, I was so stressed out. And then I got another job in three months.

And looking back, I wished I had just enjoyed the break. Right. So I try to like use that perspective and be like, just enjoy. joy this time. What was your, what were your summers like when you were, when you were a kid? Because I'm trying to get into like summer mode and I was so easy to be in summer mode as a kid. Yeah.

The school is over and then just, I'm just going to go do whatever I do, you know. Yeah. And as an adult, you have to kind of build it. It's kind of like finding music now. It's like I have to really like research what's good new music now. Right. When you're young, it just happens. Yeah.

So I'm trying to build my summer. Yeah. You know? What was your, did you have fun in the summer as a kid? I spent summer alone a lot as a kid. Like I was a latchkey kid. Like both my parents just were gone all day. And I, as I recall, I just slept until one.

And like made, so funny, because when you asked me about summer, the first thing I picture is sitting on the floor making chocolate slim fat. shakes of my mom's in a bowl in a big plastic bowl with a wooden spoon on the floor and just drinking slim fast shakes on this on the floor I wish I had a better answer but when you ask me how I how I spent my summer I'm like I made slim fast shakes on the floor and I drank them by myself because would you drink it from the bowl just like serve it up on the like paste that sounds like what I did that sounds like what I would have done sounds like freedom like If your mom was around, you probably weren't allowed to do that.

No reason to dirty a glass, you know? I just drink it like a cat. Laugh it up like a cat. That's right. I've got all day. Yeah. So funny. Yeah, I mean, I didn't really.

Did you have friends? No how to deal with unstructured time. I did. Yeah, I had a few friends in the neighborhood who I would play with, who would ride bikes, who would ride down to the playground. Right. So I'm sure I did that too. Yeah.

But my days I remember. That was a thing where it was like be home by the time to 8 o'clock at church bells ring. Uh-huh. Yeah. Get in before the murderers come out. That's right. Yeah. I'm trying to catch a skunk right now.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's my summer so far. They sprayed both my dogs. Oh, my God. And no tomato juice, by the way. I always thought you clean them off of tomato juice. But now the thing is hydrogen peroxide, dish soap, water, and I'm thinking, I'm forgetting one ingredient, and use that to get the, but it really doesn't. They still smell like skunk for weeks.

So I'm like, I've got to, we've got to get rid of these skunks. Yeah. And so we set up a trap in the back, and I had a guy come and catch him, and he says that if he catches them, he just drives them away. and releases them where they can't come back. Yeah. Hopefully. That's what he's doing. Set it up.

Can't get the skunk at all. Can't capture the skunk. Nothing's even like poking at the bait. The other night, I'm in my office, and I look out the window, and I see the skunk coming out of my neighbor's driveway, like down a hill, just walking, big fluffy tail, just like living his best life. B, Bump, Bump, Bump, Bump comes into my drive. driveway past the garbage cans. I'm like, it's the skunk. I go to the side window, and I see him

walking. He goes under my gate. We have a big lock gate. Just goes under it, shakes his tail, walks the whole length of the house, gets to the back, crosses the yard, and goes on the other side of where the trap is. Oh my gosh. And I call my neighbor, and he's like, yeah, he's in my yard now. He's just hanging out. It's so funny. And he's just living his best life, and I can't capture him. Yeah. So I moved the trap to the other side. Now I haven't seen them. Those things are a real handful.

They really are. They really are. And I read about them and I read that they like, yeah, that they don't mess with you unless you mess with them, which is bullshit. They absolutely, they're so aggressive. At least the ones in the city are. I used to live in Silver Lake and I would have to like stay in my car when I parked something. Sometimes, because there'd be like four in the street. And if you got out and I'm just trying to walk to my apartment and they stood on their heads and started scuttling towards me, it's terrifying.

I've run away from them. They're like hoodlums. It's, oh, gosh. They're like a gang on the corner in a 1950s movie. In packs. Spoken cigarettes. In packs on all sides of the street. I'm like, they have me surrounded.

Yeah. Apparently, they live in the sewers. Oh. Disgusting animals. They're so gross. They're just spray from their ass at you. That's their whole defenses. I'm just going to spray my ass juice.

It works. I'm staying away. Well, that's the thing. I can't let my dogs out in the backyard because they're going to stumble across them. Yeah. And then we're washing dogs for an hour. It's ridiculous. You know who I get a kick of, kick out of,

raccoons, possums. Yeah. They're cute. I mean, granted, I've never had a problem with that. You know, if they were dumping over my trash and stuff. Yeah. They're like, I don't mean to be mean about albinos. They can't hear you.

Oh. But it's like the... Maybe albinos can hear you, yeah. But it's kind of a, that weird face that looks not the color it's supposed to be. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. That's fair. It's so funny because I said they were cute.

And as soon as you questioned me on it, I was like, yeah, they're not very cute. No, not the part. Why have I been thinking that? Raccoons, I'm with you. Raccoons are cute. They're little hands. They're little human hands. There's nothing that makes me happier.

Watch one eat something and tell me it's not cute. I know. You ever see them help each other? No. Oh, it's the best. Oh. Instagram has some really good raccoon assistance. Like one goes over the wall.

and reaches down and helps the other one up. Oh, that's terrific. Shares a sandwich with it. Oh, I'm sure I'm going to see that in my feed tonight. I know, because we're talking about it in your phones on. Oh, that's great. I know. I love a nice raccoon.

They seem like they're just one move from being, like, good enough to be able to be better than they are. Yeah, absolutely. You know what I mean? They're one letter away from being pets and not pets. Right. Exactly. I've seen people on Instagram who have pet ones. I saw one sitting in an easy chair earlier today, and the person was, like, putting their finger around it, and it was grabbing on with its little hands.

But they've got to be riddled with disease. I mean, I'm not taking one in. No. One scratch from a guy that didn't like you rubbing his belly the right way. Yeah. You're going to have something wrong with you for years. It's a look, don't touch situation for me. Not everything you like to see needs to be a part of your family, you know.

But what I see a possum, like I've seen possum, is it O possum or possum? I think either one works. I don't know that either one works. I think you kind of sound like a loser if you say, opossum. You know, people know what you're talking about if you say possum. I was driving in my car and to see a possum just scurry across the road in your headlights is very frightening. Yeah, they're big rats. Yeah, it doesn't have the raccoon kind of feel.

Yeah. You ever hear a possum's noise? No. The noise they make? No. Very disturbing. Are you going to do it? I kind of, maybe I can.

There's a pretty... Really? Yeah. That might be a sad one. I didn't like that coming out of a person who feels safe to me. That changed my day. You don't want to... No, I don't.

don't want to see that out of its little beady eyes in the dark. No, thanks. Exactly. Hanging by its tail. It'd be like, yeah, you know, we might call a guy over this. I was on the fence before, but. I'm a little suspect of calling the guy, though. Yeah.

Like the guy seems like he just has a trap. Right. Yeah. You know, I think one of the services he provides is lying to you about. what he's going to do with the skunks. Do you really think that this guy is taking a nice, long drive to the countryside every time he catches a skunk because I don't? He's probably taking it by the tail going like that on the side of a dumpster

and calling it a day. I'm just telling you what I think he's doing. I'm not saying I'm doing this. I think you're right. Yeah, lying to you is definitely his, like, even the way he was like, he put cat food in it as the bait. And I was like, really? like, yeah, they like this.

And I was like, I think that's a lie too. I think you just had some cat food. I think you stopped at the thing to get some smokes. Yeah. And you needed something to put in the thing while you're charging me $200. I mean, I think that they probably eat a lot of different things. They go through the trash. Yeah.

And that's how they eat. So I bet you could throw just about any edible food-like substance in there. Yeah. And they'd be like, what's this? Can I show you what I did catch in it? Yes. This was pretty upsetting. Let's see what's the best way to look it up.

I guess I did take a photo of it, right? This is, I feel like if you're going to trap something, I feel like those shows naked and afraid where you like come back out and they're like checking their traps to see if they got anything. Here you go. What the fuck is that?

That's my pug. I'm not. I had food. What? Oh, my God. It's so funny. I heard the trap go, whoosh.

That is one of the funniest things I may have ever seen. I went running back, like, wow, we caught one. And I was cautious coming out there. I didn't want to be sprayed. I'm like, why is it white? It's my pug. Just eating cats. It's so undignified.

That is so funny. It took him a couple days to look me in the eye. Yeah, I bet. He really was like pretty, pretty embarrassed. Oh, my gosh. Rightly so, his little face mushed up against it, as if their faces aren't mushed enough. I know. See his little face mushed up against the side of that cage.

Oh, what a hilarious mess. A little help here? A little help. His pot in the cat food is what kills me. He's standing in the cat food. I can't even eat it. he doesn't have the room. No, he can't step back.

Did you give him some cat food when he got out? No. Did you give him anything? It was one of those things. It was like catching a roommate masturbating. Yeah. Let's not talk about it. Yeah.

Let's just, let's pretend that didn't happen. Just free you and leave it at that. Yeah. Not prolong this interaction. That's the only thing I caught. My daughter put him in the pool the other day and to see if he can swim. And he can.

He can, he paddles like crazy. But because his face is so smushed, the only way he can breathe is look straight up. So all he sees is the sky. Yeah. So he can't see the side of where he should go for safety. Yeah. So he just twirls.

It's so funny. I'm surprised he swims. I thought he would sink like a stone. I know. That's what I thought. Yeah. I thought there's no way he's coming up to the bottom of the pool. First impressions matter.

There are new two ways around it. What's the first thing that someone sees, someone notices about you? In most cases, it's your face. And more importantly, your skin. If you aren't already, it's time to put your best face forward. How do you do that by adding in a skin care routine? And you know what? It's not hard.

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Thank you. This is what came in the box. The clean slate, which starts and ends your day. It's a wash, a face wash, very refreshing. Leave you feeling really refreshed. The base layer is the moisturizer that you use, which has a great smell to it, and it hydrates your skin, and it feels good,

and that's why you're probably noticing how beautiful I am. The good is your go-to at night before bed. Truth be told, I haven't done that one yet. It's a multifunctional serum that helps your skin look tighter and smoother. sounds great. I could definitely be tighter and smoother. The thing I did use was the icon, which you put underneath if you've got big old bags hanging under your eyes,

sometimes just looks sleepy. The older you get, the longer it takes for you to look like you've woken up, like you'll wake up and feel like pretty good, and then see people like two hours after you woke up. I'm like, what's, hello, are you here? Have you woken up yet? The eyes is a big part of it. And it works.

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Caldera-Lab.com slash Papa. That's 20% off at caldera-lab.com forward slash P-A-P-A. Jump into skin and first impression royalty with Caldera Lab. You grew up with pets when you were alone making Slim Fest? Yeah, we had two cats. You did? And we had, like, other stuff. We had, like...

Stuff. We had stuff at different points. We had, like, fish. I had a snake. We had hamsters, guinea pigs. You had a snake for a while? Bunchies. Yeah, I had a snake.

It wasn't good for much. I wouldn't do it again. I don't have a snake now. You know what I mean? How big a snake? What kind of snake? A garter snake. Oh, yeah?

Just like a little, yeah, we never really. We never really clicked. No, we got it from a pet store. Oh, really? You could buy a garden snake? Yeah. I mean, you could then, you know? I'm not on the market for one.

these days. You just never really hit it off? No, I think it just like shed it and died. I think that's pretty much how far we got. Leaving the pet store and going to your house was like, in his mind going to a nursing home. It was this last stop. Just lost all of his will. He's like, I don't even need my skin.

And then just curled up and died. I don't know what I wanted a snake for. I had a snake once. Oh, yeah? What was your experience with a snake? I didn't like it either. My friend gave it to me. It was a boa constrictive.

My goodness. It's a way different. But as a baby, it's similar because it's cute. It's just little and has a little face. And, you know, it's like six inches long. This is cool. It's got a nice pattern. Yeah.

And then it lived in this fish tank and grew at an ungodly rate. And you went from feeding it little, they call pranis. There's little mice embryos. Oh, my God. Like little blobs of. What's going to become a mouse? So much about that those are called preemies, but. I know.

So disturbed by that. So disturbing. And then you have to give them live ones. Yeah. And then they get really big. You have to give them like almost a rat, like a, like not almost a rat, a rat. Yeah. And it just kept growing and getting bigger and meaner.

And the only time, every time you'd walk by, it would just try and get you through the glass. And I'm like, what? I don't. Not seeing what the benefit of this is. Having this aggressive serpent in my own that I have to buy rats for and throw and watch it. Yeah. What a horrible experience.

Just so terrible. I mean, I wouldn't have received it in the first place. I would have been like, I'm sorry, I can't accept this. Not because it's too generous, but because I hate it. And I can't believe you did this. Well, he had one. and he loved it and thought it would be cool. And I thought for a second, I thought, oh, okay, I can do this.

That's an aggressive gift to give to someone who hasn't expressed an enthusiastic interest in receiving that. No, no, it was horrible. Go with like a scented candle or something if you don't know what they like. Give them a gift card. A lethal snake. How long do those get? Like six feet? Jeez.

This thick around? No. And just, yeah. And it just lives and you have to stop at the store and get rats for it. Yeah, yeah, I didn't even think of the errand aspect of that. No. Yeah. You have a new stop to make in the village.

Yeah, yeah. You can't even get them at like a store, you know. You have to go to a special store. They're not just showing up on your doorstep. No, they're not at the grocery store. There's no live rats. Even Amazon's not bringing you live rats. No, no, not yet.

And then drop it in and just watch it. Yeah. Just slowly. It's a death machine. Oh. Yeah. So awful. And then look at it, go down the inside of its body.

The lump. Ugh. And then clean it out. Clean it out. Yeah, you got to scoop up the poop. How do you do that around an aggressive snake that wants to kill you? Yeah. You reach in there?

Yeah. No. No. I know. No. It was a horrible, horrible pet. How long did it take you to come to your senses and get rid of that animal? Probably a year, because it started getting big.

That's a long time. It was a long time. That's a long time. Yeah. And I lived with a girl at the time. Yeah, not for long. She kept a boa constrictor. She was really trying to be cool about the different stages of rodent that was coming into the house.

Yeah. I had to honor her wish of not keeping the preemies in the freezer. Yeah. Because I figured that would cut down on my errands. It was the least you could do. You know, it was the least you could do. Yeah. I'm sure she appreciated it.

That gesture. Yeah. Maybe not appreciated it, but would have hated it so much. Yeah. It's one of those things. Like just going to get ice pop and. Right. It's a collected frozen blob of little faces.

That would make me stop buying frozen things. Like I would be like, well, I don't use that anymore. Yeah. No, I'm not going to, I'm not even going to open that door. Yeah, yeah. I know what's on the other side. It was terrible. And then I think I just gave it back to him.

Oh, yeah, that's the move. Yeah, you take. Hey, you love these. I hate this. Yeah. I've done the math. Take this horrible thing. Anything in a tank is kind of a pain in the ass. Yeah, it's like the symbol of evil.

Yeah. Right. Get it out of my house. What are we doing? Yeah. Yeah, the first thing that came in our folklore that was going to drive us out of paradise. Yeah, yeah.

It's a snake face. You know what I've taken a second look at, and I'm not going to get one. no longer have any interest but for a while I was like I could do a bearded dragon have you met one of those I haven't I haven't seen them I haven't met him I was single and I was I decided I was like I don't need to get a big lizard I don't need to add that no to what I have to offer right what I mean I don't need to become a lizard person but yeah I met someone's and it just like sat here and And they just, like, cuddle with you and look at you.

It was really sweet, and I've heard that they have, like, really sweet temperaments and make great pets. But then I think it, like... We were told the same thing about a gecko. Really? Those geckos. And we saw someone just, like, a brooch. It was just, like, hanging out. And my daughter fell in love with the idea and really wanted us to get her one.

Yeah. And she wore us down, and we got her one. She was probably eight or... 10 at the time and we got her one and it was cute for a couple months and um two things happened it got bigger yeah and grew testicles because they don't tell you that part completely out of proportion for its body I was not expecting that I know I would never have thought of that like two marble size like big balls on the side of this thing.

Oh my God. And it's a pet for my daughter who's not even going to puberty yet. And now you have things to explain that you weren't planning to have to explain that year. What is this part? And then it got kind of mean. And you would open its door and as if it's been waiting for this all day, it would just lunge out at whoever would open the door and try and bite you. And it didn't have teeth.

It's still upsetting. Yeah. A live thing. Snap at you. Even if a duck did that, right? Of course. Just using its face to aggressively fight you. Yeah.

It's not a good feeling. No, I wouldn't care for that at all. So what'd you do with your big ball gecko? It's still around. You still have that? I still have it. What do you do with it? Well, I thought we were off the hook because my wife started teaching and she brought it to the classroom.

Oh, yeah, great. And they love it. Yeah, wonderful. Especially fifth graders. They love seeing balls on something. Yeah, yeah. Hilarious. Hilarious.

Yeah. So it would come home in the summers because they had close up the class. It doesn't have school. Yeah. And it was annoying, but we knew it was only there for like a month and a half. Yeah. And this is the thing, too. Just the, what's his name was bubble chops?

Because my daughter named it when she was 10. That's funny because that sounds like something you could call balls. I mean my bubble chops. Yeah, so she names it bubble chops. And after it grew balls and was attacking her, she didn't want to feed it anymore. She was not interested in going near this terrarium. Yeah.

So we would hear nightly, have you fed bubble chops? It was like a horrible chore for her to have to feed bubble chops. I have to feed bubble chops. Yeah. And so that went away when, but in the summer it would come back. And we'd have to hear again. Have you, anyone, has anyone fed bubble chops? She's like, no, I would like to let it die.

If you, if I lived alone, it would be dead by now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, or I would just put it in the yard and think I was freeing it. Right, right, right. That he's going to live his best life. Domesticated, just set of balls with a tail. Exactly. He's going to go out and find another gecko somewhere. Right.

happily ever after. Once a lady sees the size of these two bubble chops, it's game over. That's right. Well, now, and then we go back to school and we'd be gone for the year. My wife is not going back to teaching next year, and I just card a bubble chops back into the house. So it's back. Yeah. And apparently it's going to be back for, and here's the other thing, caveat.

they live for 40 years. I was just going to ask you how long they live. And how long have you had it? How long have I been alive? No, how long ago was your daughter? You've had it 10 years? It's eight years. You've got 30 years left of this thing?

Dude, you have to have it put to sleep. I'm sorry, you have to take it in. You can't have this lizard for the next 30 years, Tom. You have not worked this hard and come this far. I know. To do this with the rest of your life. You have to get a gecko. sitter when you go on the road?

Yes. Someone has to take care of it. I'm paying someone. I'm paying someone to take care of. Sell it on eBay for a dollar. You cannot live like this for the next 30 years. You're a fourth of the way there. Think of all you've been through. All of the summers, you've been like,

we have to feed this thing. Yeah. Yeah. You're a fourth of the way there. Do you want this to live with you for the rest of your life? No. No. I don't want to hear its name.

No, it needs to be put down. Now look. I never want to see it. If I lived alone, I would have taken a little pillow and put it over its face. Yeah, yeah. A long time ago. Yeah. But my wife is a kinder person.

Sure. Do it behind her back. Get rid of it. She'll forgive you. I'll be like, I don't know what happened. You know her life will be better. It will be better. Yeah.

She'll forgive you and appreciate it in the long run. It's kind of like a mafia thing. Like she'll know. not to ask. Yeah. Yeah. Don't ask what I do. Say that you took it to live with a family on a farm.

Say you gave it to the skunk guy who took it and released it somewhere. I talked to the skunk guy. Yeah. I told him I had a problem. Yep. He said I have a solution. He knows a great gecko sanctuary. I'm not going to ask him what he did with it.

Nope. My neighbor had the city come and trap a raccoon once. And we think he might be feeding the skunks, which is part of the skunks, which is part of the problem of why we have all these skunks that would be a problem and um he he told him about the trap and he was like who you didn't do it with the city did you i said no it's a guy is a humane thing and he said okay good he said because i had a city i had the city come and trap the skunks uh the raccoons he caught the raccoon and right in front of me in the driveway he shot it and he has PTSD now and he doesn't that's why he's feeding all the animals he's

trying to win back their favor shot it in front of them in the his home driveway. Is that horrible? That is the city's policy. That's what they do. They come to your house and they're like, we can take it from here and then they shoot it in front of you. We don't have the funding to take this any further. So we're going to kill it here in your driveway. In a grotesque way.

And you would have a big bloodstream. staying in your driveway on top of it. I'm not saying that's the worst part, but like... It's pretty bad. That's pretty bad. Yeah, he's... That's... They leave, and my guy who thinks he's, who loves all these animals has to uncoil his hose. Yeah.

Oh, my. Horrible. God. I know. We shouldn't be living with these things. We shouldn't be... No. This is, I mean, there shouldn't be a city here.

It is really, if you want to go all the way back. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Like, they're living. in the sewers now because they used to live along the riverbeds and now there are none. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. So they live in our sewers. Yeah. What smells were as a skunk or a sewer? Oh man. I mean, I'll be honest with you. I try to keep my distance from both. Yeah, I've been in a sewer recently.

I think that the smell of a sewer would wash off faster. Yeah. I think it would be harder to take. while you're in it because it's enclosed. Yeah. But I think it would be easier to end the experience than the experience of having been sprayed by a skunk. Yeah, that'll linger on you.

Yeah. And a sewer wouldn't. You could just wash it off. Right. I'm sure you'll smell it in your nose for a while after that. Yeah. I actually just read a book about three families who lived in the sewers during the the Holocaust to hide from the Germans.

Oh, God. Talks about the smell in great detail, and that actually happened, which I didn't know. Yeah. Some people lived down there. Oh, of course. And they came to the ghettos and took the Jews to concentration camps. Because there was nowhere else to hide.

I mean, they were finding people in all of these secret hiding places that they had. There was nowhere else to go and lived down there for a long time. Whoa. in this story did they survive? Some did, some didn't. Right. Yeah. It seems like that would be about how it would go.

Yeah, once they find out they're in the sewer. I mean, get an infection of any kind, which is so likely down there, and you're not going to heal, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. This is your summer reading? Yeah. Yeah, something light, you know.

I found a book by this author. one of those free libraries and I really liked it so I read a bunch of other stuff by her free libraries yeah they have like little boxes oh yeah yeah it's like a take a book leave a book yeah yeah and when you found it in there there wasn't like a Stephen king or a there were other things I think I picked up a vampire book which I've never read and I was going to put other books in it but it was like jam jammed oh really yeah just people in that neighborhood are just getting rid of their books getting rid of their books. No one wants to read. Yeah and I got into this author. Her name's Pam Genoff. She writes a lot of stuff about World War II and like female spies in the resistance during

World War II specifically because she said like there were a lot of them but history doesn't really talk about them. So she has made up these stories because again like there's not a lot of documentation but they were a huge part of it because men were all soldiers. So if you had a, a man just walking around a neighborhood not being a soldier, like they would arrest him right away because he was probably a spy. Right. Whereas women could walk around and deliver messages and materials and bombs and things undetected. What was that quick tartan Timo movie when they had the Nazis and the...

Inglorious bastards, right? Yeah, and they had that scene in the basement, like of a cafe, kind of like below street level. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was an integral part. She was a spy. Yeah, that was a really good movie. When you read it, do you think you could have been a spy? No, man.

No. When I read it, I'm like, I would have been useless. I really, and that's like a really hard thing for me to admit and to realize. But I'm like, I think I would have been one of the people who didn't do anything because I was afraid I would be killed because people were being. killed and I wouldn't want to die. Like people didn't speak out out of survival. Yeah. And it talks about that too

about how after the war these people were like knowing that all of their neighbors like people they had grown up with were just fine with them getting carried off to these concentration camps and didn't do anything. Ooh, yeah. Oh my God, what a horrible position.

Sorry to take it here from gecko balls but no it's interesting that i mean really there is always that thing of you know if anything goes down yeah around you your first instinct is how do i survive right and uh it takes it's almost like there's there's something innate in people that run towards the danger yeah you know that are really truly fearless and it's a it's a probably um i didn't already yeah Yeah, and it talks about how, like, the people in the resistance movement didn't ever think that they were going to win. It was all just symbolic of not letting the Germans just completely bulldoze all of these countries. Right, right.

They thought, this may be futile, but we're going to go down. Yeah. Right. May as well kill some Nazis. Yeah. You had to be gratifying killing Nazis. Yeah, I mean. Yeah.

no one better to kill than a Nazi. No. No, I agree. I agree. If you were in the... I do think that it would be hard on the personal level, but if I think if I had been thrown in the army, like, and let them do what they do to you.

Yeah, that's a good point. I could have been, I probably could have been a good soldier. Yeah. But left my own devices of figuring it out, you know. Yeah. I go easy on myself, even when I'm working out. Right. You know what I mean?

Yeah, and I mean, I'm picturing myself as like a woman in a house. Right. I would probably try to stay a woman in a house. Yeah. Especially, like, if I had kids. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah, 100%.

You ever go to Germany? No. I was there once. It's pretty heady. Like, just being in, like, the country. Like, you can't. It's like whenever we just have a visual. of what things are,

is like the first time we went to the Middle East. I just carried all of these images that I've been fed in my whole life. And, of course, it's completely different from, you know, some of it's different, some of it's the same. Yeah. But, yeah, something about being in the German countryside. It's like, I know we've moved on,

but it's not that long ago. Right. Think about how many people ran over these hills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To escape to freedom. Yeah. Hoof. Yeah.

Pretty crazy. Yeah, the one I'm reading by her now is about, about women who are part of the circus. Mm-hmm. And one of them, like, just joined to escape the Nazis. And so this traveling circus, like, performing often for Nazis. Right. With Jews, like, hiding as a part of it, you know.

Right. Yeah. We're just part of the circus. Yeah. Did you grow a beard? Huh? Like, as the bearded lady. No, she was a trapeet.

They're a trapeze artist. Uh. Yeah. I don't think it'd be good at that either. No, I mean, I don't know how you would begin to try. Yeah, absolutely. It'd be clowns. Yeah, absolutely.

The resistance clowns. And it's like our joy would be like putting a cream pie in a Nazi's face every show. One of my... It's part of the show. One of my trolls online was like, this sucks. bring back clowns. And I responded by just being like

they still have clowns. You can watch a clown instead of this. You have that option. Yeah. You can do that right now. Yeah, you can do it right now. You can bring back clowns right now. Oh, ridiculous.

I really don't understand. I mean, yeah, I just want to see. raccoon videos and yeah you know what i mean like if i don't like something online i literally do everything i can and not ever see it again like why i don't yeah i don't want to see it yeah i click like the show me less of this i'm not interested yeah yeah give me more of it yeah i can't imagine interacting with it i also can't imagine like i cannot relate to the impulse of saying something just to hurt somebody yes like i've never had that right exactly yeah Right, in any realm of life.

I remember as a little kid, I made a little girl really sad. Like, I hurt her feelings. And I remember bawling my eyes out about it that night. I felt so bad. Terrible. Horrible feeling. And that's how we're supposed to be. Like, we're supposed to have empathy.

We're not supposed to get pleasure out of causing other people pain. Right. I'm really surprised at how many people do. When we say people, what percentage of those people are men? I mean, I don't know because so many of them, you know, it's like zero followers, zero posts, and the profile picture is a cartoon or some inanimate object. Yeah. So I don't know anything about them.

Yeah. But I'm guessing it's mostly, I mean, of the ones where I can see their profile picture, they are almost all men. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, they say things like women suck. Like, I hate to hear women talk. women are boring, women aren't funny. Like there are so many of those.

It's so insane. Yeah. It's such a weird time to be alive, really, and see these kind of things. Yeah. Like, the attitude towards women, the attitude towards queer, the attitude towards Jews. Yeah. Like, this naive way, there's like this thing that washes over, and maybe because of where we live and stuff, that washes over where you think, we really have made progress. Yeah.

And we have in some regards, you know, like there's more people working, but then there's just such a large portion of the planet that is still sticks and rocks, cretan kind of existence. Like these hopeful things of like, we are making progress, right? And then you see this underbelly that just does not go away. Probably won't ever go away. And I don't think it ever has. I think that we just didn't see everybody's opinion before.

You know, on social media, you see people's opinions from all over the world. Yeah. Our brains aren't built to process that much. No. You're better off not knowing. Absolutely. But now it's like, now it feels like it's a movement. You know what I mean?

If you can get a bunch of them together. Yeah. And feeding off each other. It's like, lee. Yeah. It's the worst. Yeah, I think they definitely emboldened each other. Yeah.

Yeah. I had raised daughters. I wish I had had a son or two just to go through that thing to see it. You know, like, I mean, my father was really strict when you raised me. But there was just clear lessons of this is how you act. This is how you act towards women. This is how you act towards women. people.

Yeah. This is what, like, that that is missing for such a huge swath of just young men in America. Yeah. It's very, very strange, you know? Yeah. Really bizarre. Do you find it when you perform? Like, I feel like there is progress in comedy.

Like, from when I started of what it was for women to get up on stage. Yeah, I think a lot of progress has been made. There are so many more female comics than there were back in the day, which I think is great at every level. Yeah. But I also hear the same stuff after shows that I did at the beginning of doing stand-up. Yeah, absolutely. And it's almost always women. It's almost always women who come up to me and say,

I never think that female comics are funny, but you were so funny. I saw your face on the website, and I thought, ah, this is not going to be good, but we wanted to see a show. You were so funny. Wow. I'm like, I don't know how you think that that's a compliment. Yeah, it's always women. Really?

Yep. What is that? I think that they feel like they can say it because they're women. I think that a lot of women feel like maybe they can't be sexist. Uh-huh. They're just, to them, I think they're just being honest. Right. And I'm always just like, how many have you seen?

Like, have you just seen Amy Schumer and you didn't like her? Right. Like, how much have you watched? watched. Yeah. Maybe it's a lot, but I doubt it. I doubt it. And there's so many more.

Yeah. Like it was, it was when I was starting, they would put maybe the obligatory woman on a show. Right. We'll throw one in, you know. Yeah. Now it's very common to have it the other way. Yeah.

You know, maybe not very common, but the way shows are booked now, It's like people are, it's definitely even. And I feel like the public is more educated and just beyond that. Yeah. But like we said, like, every, like, naive idea of there being progress, there's always kind of the underbelly of what's real. Yeah. Well, and when people comment stuff like that on my post, I'm just like, you were never going to buy a ticket to a show anyway. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. You watched something expecting to hate it. Yeah. Which it's way harder to make someone laugh when they think it's not going to be funny. Right. Like when they're watching, when they're waiting for it to not be funny, I don't think any, I don't know why anything's funny. Like if I tell a joke for long enough, I'm like, this isn't funny.

Like, I don't know. What do you mean? Humor is so interesting. Like I'm like, why is that funny? And I sometimes have a hard time coming up with a good answer, but it's either funny or it's not. Right. If they laugh, it's funny. If they don't, it's not.

I mean, that's how I measure it. Right. And there are obviously, you know, some things that are funny to me, that don't get a laugh and that's fine. Yeah. You know? Yeah. But yeah, I just tell myself, I'm like, that was never going to be a fan. Mm-hmm.

Oh, God, no. But their comment makes it so that more people see it so that it might reach someone who would be a fan. Mm-hmm. So it only helps. Right. Even if it chips away at your self-esteem. Right. And, yeah, it hurts you at your very core.

Yeah, insults the thing that, the only thing that you care what people think about. Yeah. Right. About it. Yeah. Yeah, I'd rather it just be judged on what happened when I was at the club, and then I walked away.

Yeah. I don't have to, I don't need to be evaluation to continue. Yeah. At least as far as stand-up goes. Well, and again, it's like, I hate my shit too, dude. Right. You think I watch my clips, and I'm like, that's awesome. Awesome. I can barely watch them. I pay a guy to do my social media stuff.

Right. He sends me three clips a week. I hate every single one. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I sound. I hate the things I say. I hate it. And I post them and I've gained followers because that's the name of the game right now. Yeah. That's the thing you have to do. Yeah. But I don't like it. Why do you have to even look at them though? Do you? If you respond to comments, it boosts your engagement so more people see the post. So you get more followers. So you sell more tickets. so you make more money. So it does help.

But can't you, like a lot of times, if I'm not in the mood, I just let them post the clips that they, I'm like, I did it. Oh, he doesn't post it for me. He just sends them to me and I post them. Oh, and then you post them. Yeah, and then it's my job to respond to comments or not. Right.

I definitely need to be less vigilant about it. Yeah. And I definitely, if it's starting to get to me, need to start just like sucking it up and blocking. You know what I mean? Yeah. Instead of treating every single one like it's a, gift that I can't do without.

Yeah. I think I can have a maybe adopt a more abundant mindset than that. Right. That I need to be abused in order to succeed. I mean, maybe we do need to be abused in order to succeed, but... I don't think so. You don't think so? No.

That's the thing that they say so much is they'll say, like, if you can't handle criticism, you shouldn't be in this business because it's part of the package. And I'm just like, first of all, I'm not not handling criticism. Like, I haven't said anything shitty to anybody. Yeah. But also, it's part of the package because of you, asshole. Like, it's so ridiculous to be like, comes with the territory. It's like, but it wouldn't if you weren't saying this right now.

I think you want it to come with the territory so that what I do sucks more so that you feel less bad about the fact that you're not doing it and you secretly want to and you're jealous. 100% And I didn't get in this To To Right Yeah Be attacked by people

That was what I said too That was what I said too I was like Yeah you know I love making people laugh But what I really live for Is people in the comments Telling me I'm a piece of shit

When you're a little kid thinking you're funny Yeah yeah And you're thinking maybe I could be a comedian And then you achieve that dream You were, yeah, part of the fantasy, part of the dream wasn't, and then people will shit on me. I can't wait for people to tell me I'm not funny. Right, like, just like they do now, they'll say the same things to me that they are saying now. Man, do you think if I become a comedian someday I could get called fat still?

Yeah, no, the whole reason was to make jokes so they would stop thinking about me being fat. Right. You're not like, man, I hope people still say I look like a guy when I'm all grown up and out of here. Yeah. There's no way. No, that's not part of the territory. It is not it. No. My part is to make great jokes and share them with people and brighten their day. And let them feel like that they're not alone. Absolutely. That's it. That's it. You don't get to fill out the rest of the job description. Yeah. Because you don't know. Right. It's not part of it.

And another part of the territory. is making people happy. So why would you want to be in the shitty part of the territory? You know what I mean? 100%. This is purely about joy. Yeah. This is purely, I'm not coming into a place and even giving half of my show for contemplation and sadness.

This is 100% laughter. Yeah. That's all it is. That was one of the things also that I would respond to trolls with is I'd be like, I was just trying to make you laugh. And then like a sad face emoji. And I mean, they don't care, but it's funny to me. They don't care because they're sadists, you know.

Yeah, exactly. And they're moving on to the next one and making comments on whatever else. You're not the only person in their sites. Yeah, no, they're switching to a different profile to say the same thing they just said on the post again. Right. You know, exactly. They absolutely do that. Yeah.

Oh, 100%. Yeah. No, there is no reason to engage and read any of it at all. It really isn't. I mean, I haven't seen a Twitter feed in six years. Yeah. I haven't worked at Twitter in a very long time. And my life just improved when I was off of it.

Yeah, I believe it. And that wasn't even just eating my garbage. That was just the garbage that people were throwing at each other. Right. It was like, this is a sewer filled with skunks. Yeah, yeah. It really is. And there's no reason that this should be a part of my life.

Yeah. And it is amazing. When you block things, like when I block, if there's even a comedian and I'm just sick of seeing them and just mute it and they're no longer in the feed, my life is different. Yeah. My life is different than seeing them repeatedly throughout the week. Yeah. It's now not a part of it.

I'm not driving through that part of town anymore. Right. And my life is better. It is. I did something for a little while when I was still looking at Twitter, and it's never been my favorite. Like, I've never spent very much time on there at all. Yeah. But I looked at my Fitbit, and I looked at my heart rate, and it raised my heart rate.

Yeah. It's like, this isn't, this is physically unhealthy. Totally. And look, in the beginning, you have to be able to. to suffer a little bit when you're starting out just comedically you have to do gigs that are horrible and you have to do things to make yourself stronger and you have to be in front of kind of hostile environments and to get good and impervious to all that stuff but i remember back in the there was the boston comedy club and it was it got rough it got to a point where it was

they had very infrequent good shows. Most of the time it was a Hornets Nest. And you would go in there and it was bleak and the comics were bleak and the audience was horrible. And it was just rough. Yeah. But you could get spots there. Yeah.

And I remember, and I remember someone asked me like, why are you still go to Boston? And I said, I don't know. I feel like it makes you stronger. Yeah. And my friend said, we're doing comedy.

Like, how strong do we have to be? Right. And it really registered. It clicked. I was like, oh, maybe I don't have. Maybe I'm strong enough. Yeah. Maybe being funny and now I'm strong enough

and confident enough was that what really means to go do shows. I don't have to beat the shit out of myself every week. Yeah. And I stopped going. And it was better. The comedy store is my favorite place

because if something is funny, they laugh at it. And if something new is like not going to work, they don't laugh at it as hard. And it's just so easy to be like, it's just so informative. It's not hard, you know? Like, I don't feel like there are very seldom, like, tough crowds. And when there are, it's not even a tough crowd. It's just like the energy is low.

It's a weeknight. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. But at this point, like, you're so damn frontal. Oh, thank you. metric is just that.

Any of the suffering is going to be if a joke doesn't work. Anything else that provides suffering in the realm of it, including social media or running into other comics or whatever it is. That should be eliminated. Because you have to carve out your life for yourself. Yeah, that makes

sense. Yeah. And I don't think I have I don't think I have a big ego. But at this point, if an audience doesn't laugh. I'm just like, that's you. Like, I know that this is, like, everybody else laughs at this. I don't think that it's not funny because you're not laughing. Whereas it's like when you're new and

people don't laugh, you're like, oh, I suck. Right. Yeah. And I mean, I want to make every crowd laugh. And a bomb now is so different from a bomb. Like a bomb now is chuckles. It's not complete silence. No, it's just not going as great as you want. Yeah. Yeah. No. In the beginning, yeah, you're like, I suck. Yeah. And now it's, oh, that joke didn't work. Right, right, exactly. Because you don't suck.

Thank you. Thank you. I needed to hear that. I need to hear that about 500 times in a row. You're good enough. Yeah, thank you. You're strong enough. Thank you.

You're beautiful inside and out. Yeah. Thank you. 100%. I sincerely mean that. I appreciate it. My book just came out. Yeah, what's it called?

It's called Judge Me in Another Way. I like it, what's it about? It's called we're all in this together, so make some room. Oh, okay, yeah, I was like, that's not what that book says. I mean, it's got another one. But that is what it is. It's like, anything you put out, it's like, okay, here's another opportunity for you to like me or not like me. And even if it goes well and people like it, do enough people like it.

I want more people to like it. never really ends. Yeah. You know what I mean? And the good news is you don't have to have any knowledge on the subject whatsoever or ever have created anything yourself to have an opinion that is important. Right. Yeah, exactly.

Well, that's the part, too, is that it's all like, it seems like equal weight. I mean, that's why, you know, shows and people get canceled because it seems like what was like a minor complaint before the internet. Right. And people would write a letter. You'd be like, I could disregard that. Yeah. But now it seems like someone can put a post,

and that seems just as valuable as a post from CNN. Yeah. Like it almost seems like as big. Yeah. And as powerful. Yeah. It's not. What was your favorite flavor of Slim Fast?

Chocolate, hands down. Nearly? Yeah, absolutely. Would your mom realize they were missing and get mad? No, I don't think anybody noticed. I also would eat like sleeves of saltine crackers. Like I ate them every, I at least went through a sleeve a day every day after school. And I don't recall it ever being mentioned.

Now, if you ask my mom, she might be like, I asked you all the time to stop eating so many of those crackers. But I don't recall anyone ever mentioning it to me. Really? And that means that they needed a new box like every four days. Like that's a lot of crackers. Wow. We're out of crackers again. Yeah, I believe it.

I ate them. And there's a little raccoon. Yep. Yeah. How is your diet now? Last time we talked, you had made some huge changes. Yeah. And that was about a year ago.

Yeah. It's immaculate. It's still. It's even. more than it was before. Wow. So I have, I joined like a stricter, a stricter sect of the program I was in

where we weigh and measure every single thing we eat, no exceptions. At the beginning of the day, I call someone and I commit my food for the next 24 hours. Whoa. And I'm like 16 grams peanut butter, one egg, nine grams protein powder, like. Whoa.

Yeah. And I, I eat, you know, eight ounces of vegetables, six ounces of fruit, four ounces of protein, and three ounces of grain. Each at lunch and dinner. Breakfast is a little bit different. But, like, that is every day with zero exceptions. And I've been doing that since November. And I think I've, I mean, I've lost some weight.

I can't keep track in my head of how much. It hasn't been an extraordinary amount, but I also don't have a ton of weight to lose. And so it's good for it to be like it's like two pounds a monthish. Whoa. Yeah. And so I'm just, I've like never felt freer with the food. Because my thing is just like obsessive, compulsive overeating. Yeah.

Just thinking about it all day long. Yeah. Even if I'm on a meal plan, I've always just thought about food all day long, just waited for the next time I was going to eat, thinking about it while I was eating, like just obsessed. Yeah. And even when you saw me last time, it was like. that and this program is the first time where like I'm not thinking about food like I almost never think about it I think about it when it's like do I have the ingredients I think about it when I'm making it

I think about it when I'm eating it but like aside from that I'm living life and I never thought that that would be possible for me I love it what's the mental freedom in it it was the planning it kind of gives you structure and it's like you've kind of already thought it all through I think that that's a lot of it because I spent so much time like when you're eating all the time there's a lot of deciding and so I like I would be at a show

and I would be like what am I going to eat after the show am I going to eat after the show yes of course am I going to have one of these or two how much am I going to and it just never stopped right it never stopped and I didn't realize it never stopped until it stopped like it didn't happen

it feels like it did happen all of a sudden but it happened gradually enough where it's like you don't realize that your headache is gone, you just realize that it's been gone. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is really, it's so heady.

Yeah. It really is. Like, how do you handle the, uh, the social part of it? I have been out to eat twice since I joined this program in November. That's the key. I could go out more. But I just... Why?

Don't. I mean, no one really invites me to dinner very much. Really? Yeah. I, like, had a date at a restaurant recently. And I weighed stuff and I was nervous and didn't want to do this in front of this guy. And he was just like, I think it's so cool that you're doing that. I've never seen someone do that before.

You waited at the restaurant? Really? Yeah. A little scale? Mm-hmm. And then... I have a little scale. I put my plate on it.

It just asked for a separate restaurant. dinner plate, put my plate on it, and build the meal on the plate. So, like, put my four ounces of protein, hit the tear button, put my eight ounces of vegetables, clear the scale. And so it doesn't look like anything to anyone around. Right. The only person I'm nervous about is, like, the person I'm on the date with. Sure.

Right, exactly. But if they were cool with it. But that's my problem. Like, I've many problems, but whenever I'm like, I'm like, I'm, I'm dialing it in and trying to be fit and get in shape. And any kind of social commitment is going to screw me for the week. Yeah. Like I was doing so great all week and I was just eating my little salmon and my little lettuce.

And then we had to go out with this couple on Friday in an Italian restaurant. Oh, God. I mean, forget it. Yeah. And literally I'm back to where I started in the beginning of the week. And it's just like, you know, here's some bread, here's some wine, here's a, that, da, da, da, that. And before you know, you've eaten more than you've eaten all week long. And then my daughter graduated and my parents came in and bup, bu, any kind of kind of social thing really messes me up.

Yeah, I went to Wisconsin for my nephew's graduation recently and there was a party and I just like, I prepped all my meals ahead of time. I put them in a suitcase. I froze them. just brought them to Wisconsin. Like, that's what I do when I'm on the road. Wow. And I just ate my meal. Yeah.

You know, and nobody cares. Nobody cares. They're all their own. The only comments that people have made so far are like, wow, that looks really good. Yeah. Right, exactly. Yeah. No, absolutely.

Wow, that's so cool that you're so disciplined that you meal prep, that's what I need to do. Like, no one says anything negative about it. And I have this huge story in my head that people are going to be like, that's weird. Why are you doing that? You know why I'm doing it. I'm doing it to control my portions. Which is what everyone is wishing. That's what you're supposed to do.

Yeah. Really? And everybody's so challenged and so, you know, that thing of like thinking about it all the time. And it's no mistake that you were like that. Right. Because everyone's like that. Yeah. Because you're fed these things and your gut is like, we need more sugar now.

Yes. We need more sugar. Now even down to drinking. It's like, that's a craving for sugar. Yeah. It's where everyone's, I mean, what a weird position for the human being to be in. It's almost like the social media conundrum. It's like never before were you inundated with all of these choices and all of this food and all these things that are tweaked to make you eat more of it.

Yeah. It's, you know, it takes that kind of resiliency to battle against it. It's as addictive as any other things I've ever quit. I'm still off of flour and sugar. That's been three years. Wow. And, um, and, um,

and, and I remember that withdrawal and I never want to go through it again. And that was when I learned, that was when I was like, this is a drug. Wow. Because it felt like withdraw, I've withdrawn,

I've withdrawn from drugs before and from alcohol. Yeah. And it felt the same. Yeah. I felt like I was starving every minute of those, first few days. I was so miserable. I cried. Like I was so hungry. I would eat a meal and I would immediately want another meal like I just was never satisfied and I still was eating carbohydrates you know so it wasn't like the keto flu or whatever that people go through

when they stop eating any kind of sugar. I was still eating like fruit and grains. I just wasn't eating flour and refined, you know, processed sugar. And I felt like I was going to die. Yeah. God. Yeah. It's intense. Yeah. If we could just live on an island and eat nothing but insects. I mean, yeah.

That's, yeah. You wouldn't have to even weigh them. No. No. That sounds harder to me. I don't know if that would be so much easier. Yeah, I feel like so much easier as a stretch. Just with my skill set.

Just me personally. Yeah, no, I'm just spitballing. Yeah, yeah. Let me know how that is if you decide to do that. that yeah yeah no it's hard but it's it's good that i mean that you're past the part of it being like this is another thing that people are thinking oh my god that's got to be impossible but you you're on the other side of it because it's this side that's thinking how do you even start like that seems like you've climbed the mountain and everyone else is at the bottom going i'd love to be

on the top of that mountain at some point yeah i've heard someone say before that you have to get to a place where the fear of staying the same is greater than the fear of changing. And that is really where I was. And I was writing about that yesterday because we do daily reading and writing about how I stayed out of that program, having known what it was for years. Because, and I wanted what they had, but I didn't want to do the work. I thought that it was too much. It was too strict. Yeah.

And once I finally went in, I'm like, this. is so much easier than everything I've ever done with food. Like just the freedom from the mental obsession. Yeah. It's such a small price to pay to have to like, we make phone calls, we read and write, you know, we write down what we're going to eat. We can get it to a person in the morning. And that is so, that takes up maybe an hour versus probably more like a half hour,

honestly versus 24 hours a day of my mental energy of nonsense and when I think about also like the amount of time I spent eating just like going back and forth from the kitchen to the couch you know staying up late to keep eating like I just man oh man it's not that much work yeah exactly yeah god it is uh the amount of time that you literally think about it is you know like I know I'm going to do a show at Largo tonight and I know that they have snacks there at Largo and I know that they have those little bags of pretzels and those I literally thought about this this morning yeah when I thought about and I'm not like struggling like I'm not but kind of am like yeah because I've been dialed in

and trying to do like the right thing I'm like plotting out through the day, where am I going to run into the enemy? Right. Right. And I know at 8 o'clock tonight I'm going to be at Largo and there's going to be those bags. Yeah. It's crazy. It really is insane.

It's powerful. Yeah. It's the hardest thing. The food is the hardest thing because we have to eat every day. Yeah. You never have to, like I don't ever have to drink again or smoke again. Yeah. I have to eat every day.

Right. Yeah, exactly. Multiple times a day. Yeah. Right. And you feel satiated? Like there's... Yeah, I do.

It's crazy. I feel satiated by three meals and no snacks, which is impossible. Like, I can't believe I'm hearing myself say that because for my whole life, I mean, every day, every day for my whole life. Like, I had a bedtime snack. And when I was a kid, it was like a bowl of cereal. And it was, you know, it was really a meal in my adulthood. Yeah. And also just like thinking about the time that I spent feeling ashamed of my body

and trying to find clothes where I wasn't mortified and just like all of the energy that went into that. Yeah. Like I'm free of that now. Oh, God. Man, oh, man. I don't think there's ever a line where I could be skinny enough where a side angle of me I wouldn't recoil from. Yeah. I still, I mean, I still can point to 10 things that I would change.

Right. But it's not the same thing where I'm just like, I cannot look in the mirror. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, man, good for you. Thank you. It is amazing. Thank you. I never want to eat again. That's how I go. Yeah. I go Italian restaurant and then I'm not eating for three days.

And that is like, that's really, really, really common. And so another rule in my program is like you commit your food and then you eat all of your food. Like if you accidentally drop like a bite on the floor, you have to call someone and tell them and see what they want you to do. See if they want you to replace it. Like if it's a significant amount of food, if they want you to add food or if they just want you to let it go. Yeah. So it's like total accountability. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. Because people, most people who have been heavy have also struggled with food restriction, which is not something that we talk about. But I've done that. I mean, I went a month where I tried to only eat cucumbers. Like, that's not healthy either. Yeah. And I don't remember the end of that time, but I'm sure I binged.

I was starving. Yeah, right, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, you weren't in a healthy space. How is your mental clarity? Has that changed? Yeah. I haven't really thought about my mental clarity, but absolutely.

Absolutely. Now that you mention it, my energy levels are what I noticed just being night and day. Like I never my entire life had just like woke up. You know, I wake up now like seven something, maybe eight in the morning. And I have energy all day until it's time to go to sleep at night. And I never had that for my whole life. I always had to take a nap in the afternoon. I feel like I was always tired.

Right. I was always tired. Yeah, always gassed. And now I'm not. Well, your body is, as my nephew was just talking about this, that your body, when he was getting into fasting and the benefits of that. And the thing that he had learned was your body is constantly spending so much energy, digesting food because it never fully digests it.

Yeah. Because you're onto the next, you're kind of just stuffing it. And it's constantly at work. Yeah. So that's energy. Yeah. That's energy. Yeah, I usually eat my dinner at five and then eat my breakfast at maybe 8.30.

Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah, it's a lot of time in between. Yeah. Oh, it's great. And I still don't die after a 10.30 show. Right. One expression that they used that, like, I'll never forget is in those first few days of, like, flour and sugar withdrawal, I made an outreach call to someone.

and told her that I felt like I was starving, and she said no one has ever starved to death between meals. That stuck with me. I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to die. Yeah. I think about that a lot when I'm in traffic on the 405. Yeah. I mean, you think, like, this is never going.

What the? Yeah. And you realize, I never heard a story of someone who died out there. Yeah. Who never came back. Right. I've never not made it. Ever.

Right. Everybody eventually gets off the three-way. Yeah. It might just be time for another podcast or something. Right. Throw something else on. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, this is so great. I love catching up with you. I haven't seen you in a while, and this was a nice way to do it. Yeah, me too. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah. Keep being funny. Okay.

You're the best. Same. You're so good. Thank you so much. Just keep doing it. I really try. I keep, yeah. I know you do.

I really do. And that's kind of the thing where I was thinking when you're talking about being so discipline with this eating thing, if I can demean it that way, is you have, you're very, you're mentally strong. The way you go after your jokes and stuff, there's a real discipline to it. And I admire it. And it seems like anything that you want to put that little co-pilot to work, like the eating thing is not that different from the joke thing.

Like you're very good at that. So, yeah, it's going to be all good things. Thank you. You're the best. Thank you so much. Got it, Tucker. There you have it, kids. That was Lara Bites.

Told you. A lot of laughs. Very funny. Very impressive. Look her up on all social media. Go see her live. If you're in L.A., always great to catch her at the comedy store. She's just amazing.

Thank you to Caldera Lab for coming on board the podcast and sponsoring today. Thank you all for listening. go to tompapa.com. Look up all of the tour dates. We have so many dates coming up. Again, Vegas on Labor Day weekend on September 2nd. Huge show in New Jersey on October 21st. We're playing the big room at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center. That's a big one. Very excited for that. A whole bunch of dates all around the country. Anywhere you live, I'm coming close.

The map on my website is insane. I can't wait to see you. Thank you for listening. See you next time.