Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 166 - Paul Morrissey Returns!

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

Comedian Paul Morrissey returns and he still has never eaten an egg.    Thank you to our sponsor AG1! Take ownership of your health at https://www.drinkag1.com/papa for a free one year supply of vitamin D and five AG1 travel packs.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I am Tom Papa. We have a great one for you today. Paul Morrissey comes back to the program. Paul is a good friend, a very funny comedian. We've worked on the road together for years. He is a great guy, super funny. The earlier version of our podcast, he was around almost every week. And he's just a great conversationalist.

He's one of those guys I just love and adore, and his comedy is great. He's got a new special that's coming out on August 4th and then wide release on August 11th. What was it called? Ice cream versus everything. Ice cream versus everything. And he looks good. He lost some weight. He's definitely, you could tell he's in tip-top form.

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Go to drinkag1.com slash Papa. That's drinkag1.com slash paula. Papa, and you will get a free one-year supply of vitamin D and five free AG1 travel packs. We'll talk more about this later, but I've been using this daily, and it has a cumulative effect where you really, really do feel great. So Paul Morrissey, known as a great comedian. I've been on the road with him for a long time to refresh anybody's memory or to if you haven't heard of our relationship, he's never eaten an egg in his entire life.

That is the greatest thing about Paul Morrissey. He has never eaten a single egg. My wife says Paul only eats things that are white, and I don't know. We have two breads here. One has cheese in it, and one does not. And I don't know, I'm very nervous to even present the idea that there would be cheese and a bread to him. It's, he's that picky of an eater. And when we were on the road together, he is boring.

He's boring. His acts great, great conversationalist, knows everything about music, a great human being. But when you roll into a restaurant, breakfast time with no eggs. He doesn't even want to have it. No, I don't think he even has coffee. He just sits there, stares at you, enjoying the best meal that you can. We hung out with him, Joey and I, at in Cincinnati at Jack Ruby's steak place.

That was an epic night. Great night. Great night. Paul had the Celtics game on at the table, if you remember that. Right. He had the Celtics, you both are Celtics fans.

You guys fell in love immediately in the airport. I heard you going on and on and on about the Celtics. And I knew you guys were going to be besties after that. And then we'll get into the rest of that epic night when we talk with Paul Morrissey. So let's jump right in. Enjoy Paul Morrissey. Look, it's Paul Morrissey being eaten by a dinosaur.

Are you scared of the dinosaur? A T-Rex. Do I look forward or am I looking this way? You're looking wherever you think you might be under attack. But you don't know because the velociraptors, they get you thinking that they're coming straight for you. And then two come from the other side. Hey, do you like cheese in your bread or no cheese in your bread?

I think cheese, you always say yes to cheese, right? Well, most people do, but we know you're finicky. All right, this one's definitely cheese because it's got grease coming through. Oh, wow, man. Yeah. This is from my friends at Lodge Bread because I just got home. I was going to say, yeah. I haven't got one a year.

I think I got like the first, oh, man, this is like heavy. Yeah, look at it. How much, how much is this way? It weighs 50 pounds, and they're $200 a loaf. That smells very good. Yeah, that, oh, man, this is going to be good. Now, I'm a little reluctant to give it to you because it looks like you drop some LBs. Yeah, man.

You look like the young lean fighting machine. I did, yeah. I think I'm 30 pounds, maybe. What? Yeah, but the terrible thing is. It was all diarrhea. No, I think we did a fun weekend like in March. In Denver?

It was before my special, right? Yes. We did Denver and, uh... We did Denver. No, no, we did Cincinnati. Oh, we did... Remember we did the Jeff Ruby? We got the steak.

Oh, yeah. And the Jeff Ruby Steakhouse in Cincinnati. Yeah, that was amazing. Chris Collinsworth had turned me on to that place. Because he's got a steak named that. after him there. Yeah. Which, you know, you're in Cincinnati or Chris Collinsworth, you have to.

That plays us great, though. But that new quarterback is really starting to gobble up the menu. Joe Burrow, yeah. Joe Burrow, he had a couple items on there. He had the lobster dishes. Collinsworth had the old-fashioned, like shank steak. Chops. And I was so excited to bring you there, but it was the,

and I was all turned around because it was, they changed locations since I had been there. Oh. There was an original spot where it was forever. And now it's moved into a gigantic spot. Yeah. And still great. Still super fun. And I think they have other locations now.

It really blew up. But yeah, we ate there. And what did we do? We did Cincinnati. Did we have one the next day? Yeah, we went to Atlanta. Oh. Always good routing.

We always do the good routing. Well, that wasn't too far, right? That was. No, we did it the right way. That's how. That's how we never are able to travel. You and I are both. Yeah.

Like, I feel like I travel a ton, and then you're always going to, like, another place after me. Right. So that was the one time that we both flew in early. Yeah. And I think are we allowed to acknowledge Joey? Yeah. Because Joey. He also goes by the name of Abraham Lincoln.

He was the only one that didn't make it. Well, you made it in time for the steak, but, like. He made it, but he was really sweating it. But we, uh. Why were you late? I got trapped in an elevator, remember? Oh, right. Really?

Temporarily. It was, I figured it out. No, you also wanted to go, you also came in from your flight and wanted to gussy up. I think so, yeah. Yeah, you were worried you were going to smell. That was pretty gross. You didn't understand yet that we don't tour with dames. Not yet, we don't.

That's why Joey's not a rock star. Stephen Tyler, he did loving an elevator. He did trapped in a house. elevator. All right, this is how crazy our life is. I'm trying to picture us getting from Cincinnati to Atlanta. Mm-hmm. To hot Atlanta.

We flew? We were both in first class. Mm-hmm. And somebody in there? I can't remember. It wasn't even too early even. It was like a noon, like we did everything right that trip. That was like our.

because every other trip we're always like under the gun. Yeah, that was when we... We got there. We had a steak. Right. We got to sleep in the next day. Yes. It was great.

Oh, right, and then did the show. Yeah. So we had a whole day and then did the show. That was nice. So, but you were eating like a maniac. Well, but that was also, you know, it was like I do do things like that are celebration. Like, we hadn't seen each other in a while. We went to this amazing place that you'd been talking about since we booked it.

Yeah, you got to light it up. And then, like, I think that was the first time I drank this year, too. Wow. We had, like, a nice cocktail. Right. And you had us try some wine. The only thing that was missing was the cigar. Yeah.

They had a place where you could actually smoke a cigar, and we blew it off. That's when we didn't want to corrupt Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, that's when we would turn into the old school. that's why we're not old school road guys that's not our life we can't do that yeah by the time we got the cigar like I got to check emails

I got to I had a friend of mine I was at my buddies for a barbecue and he broke out these great cigars and we were all starting to smoke him and my one friend said nah I don't smoke him he said every time I smoke a cigar I feel so awful the next day

I just feel shot and I was like that's weird I never thought of feeling bad the next day to be a reason for not doing anything. Yeah. I'm like, really? You're just thinking that far ahead? He missed out on a big cigar.

Yeah. So wait, but you were not the lean, mean fighting machine you are now when we were in Cincinnati. I was probably like 10, 10 in. Yeah. And that's the crazy thing. So I filmed the special. Uh-huh. Like the album's going to come out first, ice cream versus that.

When is this coming out? Uh, pre-sales August 4th. Okay. And it released August 11th, midnight of my birthday. Wow. And your wife's birthday. That's right, August 10. I'm not to say.

Yeah. And my mom's birthday. Holy, all right, enough with everybody. Do you, um, so you were getting in shape for the special. Yeah. That was the goal was like January. Mm-hmm. I started, you know, knocking down some weight.

It took a while, too, because it was like, it was even when we were, you know, I was on the road that week and kind of did normal stuff. And it just started coming off. And then, uh, at that I had, so I was probably 10 down, did the special. And I lost another 20. How? So now that I'm looking at the special, I'm like, you fat pig. Like, what? I want them to do that digitizing stuff to it.

Yeah, to slim me down. Oh, man. The, uh, yeah, because we did. we did Denver and yeah we Denver was earlier that was earlier yeah the last one we did together was Cincinnati Atlanta so 30 pounds since January you just stopped eating uh just uh eating less eating better like better portions and then you know just working out like it was a lot of walking in the beginning and then uh I'm rarely here but like the last two nights I'm really here but like the last two nights I've been here and I did like some basketball workouts at the outdoor park in Encina.

Nice. So it feels good. Like I feel definitely lighter and. You do look lighter. Yeah. Because I remember when we were there in Cincinnati, we kept calling you chubsy-ubsy and you lardass. And you didn't seem like you were getting the message. Like, right?

Joey is notoriously thin. Yeah, he's nine pounds. He's nine pounds. And he was actually scared. that you might like eat him. Joey has one seed a day. That's why it was weird to see him even eat his steak. I feel like we corrupted him.

I know. We really did. He ate a steak. What did you have for an opener? Did you have a salad? Skip the salad, I think. We had those potatoes. That first night, though.

Some kind of cheese potatoes with chili on them or something. Yeah. But I remember that first night, that first steakhouse we went to, I got a four-ounce steak, a morsel, a mere morsel. A four-ounce? Yeah. How did we even let you sit there? I must have been drunk.

Well, I wasn't that hungry, and I was like, oh, I got to, you know, I got to stay up and hang. And then the, you know, the four ounces, I was like, okay, I'm a little hungry than that. It's like bringing a parakeet to a steakhouse. I think they put that on the menu as a joke. Yeah, right. Exactly. Four ounces. Wasn't the, it's the old 69er was the one in the great outdoors that just.

John Candy had to eat. If you eat the whole thing, it's free. I had that at a place called McDonald's in Pearl River, New York, I think it was. It was around the border of Montfeld, New Jersey, in New York. It was this great old restaurant called McDonald's, not with the arches. And they had all these old military stuff just crammed all over. This was before like TGI Fridays. Yeah.

And it was just tons of stuff on the walls and hang all sorts. stuff from World War II, guns and bombs and uniforms and really crazy stuff. It was fascinating. And they had a challenge to eat a, I think it was a 32-ounce steak. Yeah. And if you did that, you got a T-shirt and you got your name on the wall. Extra large shirt. And I did it.

I think I was in high school or college. Oh, wow. My father and I did it. And, yeah, it was, and I was like, this is. easy. I could eat this. And then I ate the sides. And they were like, you don't have to do that. I was like, I'm eating the sides, a big potato and some broccoli. And we got on the thing. But then they closed down and steamrolled the place. Oh, no. So I'm not on a wall anymore. So it's going to be like the comedy store when it turns into a cheesecake factory. Do you think it will? Yeah. You do.

And Tom Pappel will be right in the entrance there, right? Where people are. waiting for their buzzers to go off. The only other place I really regret being no longer on the wall is Tony's Mexican grill in Studio City, I guess it is? Yeah. Right? That's my neighborhood. I told you, I just went there. It's the best.

Talk to the lady, and she's like, yeah, he's got, she said he's got to do more stuff for us. Did she really? I was, when I first came out to do my first TV pilot, they did a, I guess it was getting on the air, because I was doing press. Yeah, it was on the air, right? Yeah, but I'm just wondering why it was in the newspaper because they did a, what do you like to do in L.A. kind of a thing. So, and I had only been in L.A. for like a second. Right. But Tony's was my favorite Mexican restaurants.

I really talked them up. And then they cut it out and put me on the wall. Yeah. Which was a huge achievement for me to be on the wall of your favorite restaurant. And then they painted the place and they took it down and they never put it back up. Yeah, there's a painted mural of pyramids in Mexico. Yeah, Aztec stuff. Which I think was there before.

I think they just, maybe they ripped it. You'd kind of be out of place there. Yeah. But they could frame it. Like I told them. If I was Tony, I would have framed it. and put it up there. And I,

but I mentioned them on NPR, I'm mentioning them right now because I love them. I love them too, yeah. They're so great. Tony's Mexican grill. It's such a great place.

And it's the funniest, it's so L.A. because it's like a great Mexican place, but it's called Tonys. And it's like in this weird location. Yeah. Hidden next to a Krav Maga. Yeah,

like our Italian place, Domingo is like, like, little Italy and Encino, what? And it's great, I tell you. Yeah, it's amazing. And Tony's, I had it last night.

And one of my favorite things to do, I'm doing it since we've been coming out. Whenever we're away, we were back at the Jersey Shore. Whenever we come home after eating whatever food, like Jersey food or Italian food or whatever, and it's like you don't get that Mexican stuff. So when we get home, we're tired from travel, that's the go-to delivery when we get home. So I had it last night, and I ate all of it. And they, you know, they like, there's like, I think a couple of the daughters are like, one's my age and one's a little bit older.

You should date one of them. Well, they both kind of treat me like my mom would because it's like they can tell I was just on the road. Because they're the type of people that would be, that's why she said he's got to do more stuff. Like they're very honest. So they're like, you look really tired. And I was like, yeah, I was flying all night. Normally you'd be insulted, but you're like, these people know me. Right.

They want to take care of you. What's your go to order? So I'll get fajitas. I'll do chicken and shrimp. Mm-hmm. But then they do the whole, like, do you get the, like, cup of fruit? Oh, the fruit's amazing. It's a little, it's like a secret thing.

They won't even tell you what's in it. I know. It's like a little, like yogurt-y sauce. But that's like with the strawberries, like the most fruit that I get. And they're just like, you need this. You need to replenish. And it's like they take care of me. I know.

They're the best. They're so good. So now. are you in this now you have a cheese bread next to you you've lost all this weight and the special's done yeah do you feel like it's time

to beef up the thing is I want to like I want to film like another thing while I'm trying to think I'm trying to think that's bad though if I think it's only temporary you want to feel like it's a lifestyle but it is only temporary

isn't it well it's good because it was like you know I don't know if you've had, you always used to talk to me about in January about your physical. Like, you used to have a bunch of jokes about it. And then it's like you really are like, yeah, you want to like impress this guy and you want to get the numbers down. 100%. And then I think it was you and Colin Quinn did that podcast about getting on statins. And that was when I got it.

Because that's, you know, Colin's diet's exactly the same except. Yeah, except taking. Yeah. And then he had a heart attack. Yeah, but he, they said his numbers are great now, right? Now he's in good shape. He's not as much fun to be around, but his doctor's happy. I know, you want your doctor to be impressed.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that because it motivates you. Yeah. And it gets you in tune. And it's like, I don't want to roll in. I've said it before. It's not like going to the eye doctor where it's kind of out of my control. I can't work on my eyes. Right.

But I can roll in there as a chubby chubster. And that's all on me. Yeah, that's, you know, that's what I do miss about, like, late-night TV, you know, doing those five-minute spots. Like, that was your kind of check, you know, because it was like a manageable thing. This whole hour special thing, it's like such, so long-term. And the people that do it quick is not good. So it's like that five-minute every, you know,

Six months. I was doing it like once a year for like five or six years. I would do late, late show, and you would do Conan and all the shows all the time. It was so good. I know. It really was great. And I kept getting better at it too. Like the more you did it, you're like, oh, okay.

Yeah. And when I would talk to you or Gaff again, it's like, yeah, there's a whole science to it and to break it down and to do the best stuff. I know. We just had Leno here. Right. And, yeah, he put me on his show a ton. And it was great because you just got to. you know, hone it in.

But now the thinking is, well, do I want to give up five minutes for this late night show and pull it out of whatever my special is going to be? Or put it on Instagram Reels? Yeah, right, exactly. That's another thing. I was talking to a young comic this morning, and he was talking about it all kind of in the old way of, you know, I'm just trying to get better and I'm trying to hone up.

work on my act, which is all great. And he's talking about, you know, moving up in the clubs, which is okay. But the young people you see hustling, get your stuff on social media. You have the Tonight Show in your pocket. Yeah. And millions of people can see it. It's true. It's like, don't waste time.

Like, start pumping your stuff through there. Because you watch all these comics go and sell really big places. they've never done, they didn't even tour, really. It's just all through social media. And people think they're funny and, you know, you win people over and then why not? You should go that way.

But it's like the idea of I got to go in and go do Kimmel, it's still exciting and it's fun and it feels like real show business. But it's only one little portion now. Yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, it was good. But also those are the guys, like,

I know a guy who's like, you know, got you John TikTok. And then he's, you know, those guys still don't really know, like, you know, I'm doing like a month of, because I try to switch it up too. I like doing gates with you and I like doing different things. And so I'm doing like a, you know, I did the special. So I have like a month of clubs in Canada, which I love Canada because they're great comedy fans, but also you're 3,000 miles away from everybody that you know. So definitely, you know, even doing the improv too much or something, you're like, you want to be fresh and have some new things.

It's good to just go away and do eight shows or nine shows somewhere and just kick things around and not feel self-conscious. So I love doing stuff like that. But guys that I know, they've never even done like a nine show week before. No. Like every club is like a Friday, Saturday now except for, you know. Yeah. And they'll have their fans and stuff. but yeah, they won't be as tight of an act.

Live, it won't be the experience of laughing for two straight hours. Right. You can't get that just from putting little clips. What's your favorite place in Canada? Well, Toronto is like a great city. Because of Gordon Lightfoot? A big comedy scene. No, I mean, it's like a, you know, mass transit.

Everybody lives in a small apartment and is hustling. to just make the rent. It's kind of the closest thing to New York, I think. Yeah. And there's some show business there. And, you know, that's fun. But the club in Ottawa was kind of the club. It's still the best club in North America.

It's open seven days a week. It's insane. Monday to Sunday. And it's sold out on Mondays. So this, it's called Absolute Comedy. And he just, it was like one of those things where the Canadian clubs didn't let the Canadian comics work, like yuck yucks wouldn't let the Canadian comics work there. So one of my buddies, Moody McCarthy, was in New York.

This is when I was living in New York and I'm like, hey, you know, because if you host there, that's like almost headliner money. So they're like, like, you can bring like a buddy up that's a headliner and you can just switch week. So, you know, Jesse Joyce met his wife there. Like everybody, you're like a rock star there for a week. So like, so we all like, like, I. I have everybody recorded a CD there. Like my tape to get on Letterman was at that club.

And why do you think you don't like Gordon Lightfoot? I do. He's just a little somber. And what do you know about Gordon Lightfoot? I know everything about Gordon Lightfoot. He's dead. Yeah. Rest in peace.

Yes, I saw the documentary on him. Okay. And such a cool history. And he was a badass. Yeah. He wrote these great songs, and he just, you know, became the hero of Toronto, if not Canada. Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Well, my guys are the band. They called him the original Drake. Well, my guys are the bands. So those guys are from right there. They're from Toronto? Yeah. I thought they were U.S. Robbie and all those guys.

No. They're Canadian? Levon's the only one that's from the South. Everybody else. Really? Yeah, Ronnie Hawkins, the guy that got them all together. Ronnie, was it, Levin on the Hawks? It was the first one.

But, yeah, they were his backup band, Ronnie Hawkins. Oh. And he, like, he said, they were all, like, 15 or 16 years old. And he was just like, you're not going to make much money, but you get more girls than you'll get the rest of your life. It was a little dirtier than that. So they were Canadian. Yeah.

I'm going to Winnipeg in a couple days. That's right. Yeah. I've never been to Winnipeg. You know? No. I liked it. And I'm glad because I have like an extra day, similar to our Cincinnati story,

because I'm going from there to Montreal. Nice. So to come home didn't make sense. So I just have like an extra day, which, as you know, as a comedian, that's always what you want to kind of. Yeah. It's always the dream and it never happens because you just want to get out of there and move. But if it's like if it's going home, you're going home. But if you're going to the next gig, I get to hang.

Yeah. And see it. And it's a very cool town. I've never been there in the heart of the winter, so I can't speak for that. But this time of year, it should be nice. Yeah, I haven't been those middle, like I went to Edmonton once and I went to Calgary once. And they were both just like desolate freezing. In the winter, yeah.

Yeah. I've done that too. I did a tour when I went from Nova Scotia pretty much straight across to Vancouver. Yeah. And in the winter. Yeah, it got, some of those places got pretty rough. And I went, liked it though. Calgary was a little, the hotel was at was a little sketchy.

Uh-huh. And I got out of my car, like after the second show, you know, it was like midnight or something. And this guy, I don't know if this is there happening. It's happened to me twice in my life that, like, there's somebody waiting there when I'm getting out. And I'm like, whatever they want, they can just have. Oh, geez. He caught me. What, in a parking garage?

Uh, no, this is outside. Just outside in a hotel parking lot. So I'm getting out and this guy's like, hey. And I was like, what? And then he goes, do you want to buy some golf clubs? And I was like, what? And he's got like this golf bag of golf clubs, which he clearly just stole from another car.

And I was like, no. And then he just like kept running. Like he, and he left. Good for him to try like the first, the quick, The quick hit. But if you just said, hey, you gave me all your money, I probably would have given it to him

because I'm like, he definitely has something. You should have just hit you with a golf club. The other time it happened to me at a drive-through. I was in Newport News, Virginia, which is like a rough, that's where, like,

Iverson's from. Yeah, they called it bad news. Michael Vicks from there. And so I was on like the bad side of Newport News at a drive-thru. Uh-huh. And I ordered,

and with my girlfriend at the time, and this guy just, comes from behind where you order from. And he's like, hey, do you have any? And it was the same thing. From, like, behind the sign? Yeah. And it's, again, like midnight after the second show or something.

Oh, God. He's like, do you have any shoes? And I was like, the same thing. I was like, I would have given him money, but he just asked for some random thing. And I'm like, no. And then he just, like, took off. Did he have shoes on? No, he didn't.

He had no shoes. Why don't you give him your shoes? I don't know. I only had one pair. I mean, usually I'd have an extra pair in there, but Joey knows. I like sneakers, so I'm not going to give them the good ones. Oh, you probably had good shoes, good show shoes.

I saw a thing with Corey Booker, the senator from New Jersey. And he heard a similar story where a guy came up and asked him for his shoes. And he's talking about how he's always trying to help. people and he's always you know giving stuff to the homeless and helping people in their lives and giving the money or doing these things or trying to get things passed and he thinks of himself as like uh you always want to do better and this guy came up and asked for his shoes and he was like no you know i i hope i'm not butchering the story too much but he said no essentially and then when the guy left he was like i should have given him

on my shoes. I keep saying I want to do better. And if I really truly want to hold myself to that degree of kindness, I can get more shoes. All I have to do is get home. I have more shoes. I should have just given them the shoes. Why didn't I give them the shoes?

But in the moment, that's a weird ass. Yeah. Because I always think of it as, you know, Miller's Crossing is my favorite movie. So. When's last time you saw it? I don't know, a month maybe. Really?

How often do you watch? I probably every couple months I'll just put it on it's relaxing it's so good that one scene where he's just in the bed you know smoking the cigar read the newspaper

and his slippers and those two guys come to like gun him down Albert Finney yeah it's the so many scenes in there just so great and he goes walking out yeah he grabs the gun and starts

he turns on the bad guys and jumps out the window like does this right he's like like this old guy and you're like, you can't even jump out the, but he shows that he's like the man still. Yeah. And then guns him down and then pulls, he had the cigar like nubbed off so he could relight it and keep smoking it.

So after he gunned down the car, he puts a cigar back in and gets the newspaper. Why do you bring that up? Because he had no shoes on? No, because his right-hand man there is Tommy, right? Yeah. So his thing is always like, dumb play or smart play. What's the play here? Like, that's what I think of like when that guy's asking me.

He's like, what does he really want? Does he wait for me to open the wallet? Or does he wait for me to open the trunk and try to get the, like, so in the moment, I'm always thinking about what is this guy trying to do? What's the play? Yeah. And so I think when you look at a hindsight, like, oh, he just wanted to choose. Well, maybe he didn't.

Maybe he was still trying something and you kind of slowed him down. Yeah, because he didn't have shoes on. Right. So that may be his ploy. He has shoes hidden around the other side of the drive-thru. He's reselling shoes. Yeah. He's in business with the golf club guy.

Both gentlemen, we could probably confirm had some kind of chemical in their system. They were on drugs. Yeah. Yeah. You don't run through a parking lot with golf clubs in Calgary at midnight. without some good good uh good something what happens if i go to winnipeg and i i call you up and i'm like i tried to give someone my shoes wait so what did you like about gordon lightfoot his music his music is great that one um sundown sundown's amazing so that's not even about his wife though

It's about Kathy Smith Who is? This woman Who was like this You know She was Kind of sleeping with a lot of the

The music guys And supposedly When the band got busted for drugs She did some kind of The band Uh huh Like she was just in the hotel Parting with them

Yeah And did some kind of favor For the policeman That got them off. And so she became a backup. Got the policeman off. Well, but got them off the, uh, no charges, you know, they let go. So they made her like a backup singer for a tour. And I think, I don't know if one of those guys had it like a kid with her, but yeah, you know, she dated Gordon Lightfoot. And he was writing that when he was married about her because she was mad. She was sleeping with all the other

singers. Yeah, he did fool around a lot. And, and then she's the one that ended up, shooting up John Belushi. That's the same woman? Yeah. Holy Toledo. Kathy Smith, I think his name is. She's. But yeah.

What a powerhouse. She's still around? I would say no, but I don't know. Right. It could be wrong. Living a hard life. Still time, Tom. Still time.

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What more do you want? But also, what about a, you said McDonald's. That's one thing I always wanted to ask you, because I knew it wasn't going to be regular McDonald's. Because have you ever eaten McDonald's in your life? McDonald's with the arches? You talk about me being picky. Yes. I don't think anybody in your family has ever had fast food.

Oh, we were talking about you the other night. that know that you've never eaten an egg before. And then my wife was saying that she thought that one of your girlfriends got you to eat an egg. No, nobody did. That's what I said. No, my buddy, the... He's never had an egg. Yeah, the Iron Chef guy, David Bull and Austin, maybe like a hamburger and it had like a big egg on top of it just to mess with me.

He knew I was going to take it off. But that's probably the closest I've gotten, but no. Yeah. No egg. And it's not like, do you feel like I'm missing out nutritionally? Yeah, eggs are great for you. I thought they were terrible. No, that's what they used to say in the 70s.

They're good for you. And it's a good lean protein in the morning. Okay. As you're trying to stay skinny, mini. That's why I was wondering if you would want cheese and the bread, because that's kind of exotic. That's the thing. You like things just plain and white.

In moderation, Tom. That's the key to life. Moderation. I know. Well, you've never had one egg. That's hardly moderate. Well, but I'm saying, like, you can't, like, I don't want to be one of those people. Like, I can't have this because of a cleanse or something.

No, I didn't mean that. I meant because it would be too exotic. Oh, no, no. Having cheese in it would be like, oh, my God, you ruined my white bread. No, if there was some kind of, like, weird grape or something. or I don't know, some kind of strange fruit dates. What about a nuts? What if it had a nut in it?

I'm okay with nuts. You are? Yeah, I think so. Isn't that your sponsor? Can you go to the commercial now? Nuts.com. Oh, I don't think they're sponsoring this one. My last special, the nicest comment that I have on there is after a joke,

I say, we'll be right back, everybody. and then they actually run a commercial on YouTube and the guy's like that was the most perfect throw to a commercial on YouTube I've ever seen in my life. I was like, how about the jokes? Okay, too, or no? Yeah, how about the jokes?

What is the name of your new special? Ice cream versus everything. Oh. So. Another food thing. Yeah. And it was good. I did at the National Comedy Center

in Jamestown, New York, which is the birthplace. It's a Lucille Ball, so they have all the I Love Lucy stuff, and then they built this, like, $50 million museum with all kinds of crazy, like, archives, and it's really amazing. Jamestown? James Town, New York. It's closer to Cleveland than to New York.

It's way, way out there. Right. And would you say then that Lucille Ball is the Gordon Lightfoot of James Town? She is, and it's Lucille Ball and 10,000 Maniacs, the band. Wow. They're from there, too? The guitar player did the sound for my special. Really?

That's amazing. 10,000 Maniacs, that was... Natalie Merchant. Natalie Merchant. What was the big hit? Yeah, they had a few hits, I think. Yeah. And she had like a solo album, too.

That was pretty good. She dated like Michael Stipe. She was like a cool... She dated Michael Stipe? I think. somebody, a couple famous, like, hip, you know, bands. And she shot up, John Belushi? Not this, no, the wrong one.

But, but yeah, I did, so we did, I don't know, because I think that was your last Netflix special, which is great, by the way. That was the first one that I think I wasn't there for. Uh-huh. And so, so I've been trying to, I don't know about you, because you always pick a date and schedule it. Yeah.

I hadn't had an album out since I did Letterman, you know. It was like almost 10 years. And so. Wait, but you had that other special. Well, that's the thing is like that gets resold to like nine different things. You know, my friend will be like, hey, I heard you on Larry the Cable Guys channel on Sirius. And it's like a joke that I didn't do.

And so I see that they're like running my jokes from this, special. Like somebody sold them the rights to it. I didn't know about it. So, so I'm like, well, let's do one. So like during the pandemic, I tried to record twice and it just wasn't there. Yeah. And I have a really great record company, the blonde medicine. And he used to, he worked at rooftop and then it became audible. And then he actually bought the rights to my, of my stuff when he started his record company. So he's been with me the whole time. So he's just like, you know what? Let's just do it right. We'll do four shows. at the National Comedy Center, and you can do as much, you know.

Nice. I did, like, an hour, 10 minutes at four shows, and we just picked, like, the best one. Nice. So it's, it's, I really love the album because it captures the atmosphere. Yeah. The video is the part that I'm having a tough time with just because. Why? It's all, it's all, like, appearance and fashion stuff, you know what I know?

Uh-huh. Like even, you, your own. 20 pounds, man. That's like, yeah, I know, but. It's face, too, I know. I know. I have it too, but you just got to have to let it go. I have a Neil Brennan. Actually, I think we posted, reposted me on Neil Brennan's podcast.

And I should have looked at the angle because it's just, it looked like a fathead. Joey, you saw the clip because you helped post it. A little bit of a fathead. Right? Didn't you think that when you saw it? No, maybe. A little bit, right? I'm like, what's with this fathead?

Can't believe we posted it. But I, they shouldn't have, I mean, look, we're really careful here to make sure that you look good. Neil didn't care. He just came in tight and he weighs 20 pounds. So he's not even thinking about it. But I saw that and I wasn't that happy with it. But what I was saying was kind of good. I'm like, it doesn't matter.

Some days you are a fathead. Yeah. So what? Well, I get, you know the one where you do, where you're just doing the selfie? like this. Mm-hmm. And so I have a pretty small head. And when I take it from that angle, my head looks big.

Mm-hmm. And then everyone's like, wow, your head's huge or something like that. I was like, no, no, it's just the angle. And it's like, it's on me. Like, don't take the picture from that angle. I was just with all my high school friends. We had a barbecue. Oh, yeah.

And we had a group shot. And I was on the end. And I was looking pretty good. I've dropped a couple pounds recently. and I was like, and that came back and I look like a whale. I look like a whale in a Tommy Bahama shirt. And my friend said, when you're on the end, you have to step back. It's just, it's perspective.

Yeah. Like, we got a picture back of my family and my daughter was forward and she looks like twice the size of everybody else, like taller. Right. So, yeah, you've got to. You should never be on the end. Nothing from underneath. Fat tips from tubby Tommy. Don't be on the end.

It's a big group. Get in the couple. Right. You'll be good. And then my friend said she should have done what she does with her husband, which is cover his belly. But also step back. If you are on the end, step back. Don't be leading.

Don't be ahead of everybody. Put yourself back for perspective. So this is all ways to lie. When you see your doctor, you can't lie. He's going to know if you're fat or not. No, I mean, I remember from, you know, I was on TV news, so I knew the angles of, you know, getting that chin down. We were just talking about how whenever I'd come to the anchor desk, all the female anchors would have, like, four phone books. So they'd be, like, so much taller than me.

And I'm like, I want to feel like we're in the same room here. Could you have done your own phone book? Well, that's the thing, is like, you just keep jacking up the chair. So, like, everyone's, you know, it's like, how about we both come down to the same level? so we're kind of the same. Yeah. But, yeah, it is weird how that's like a thing that, like, I want to be higher.

Yeah, right? I mean, that's why Tom Cruise is on those boxes. What are they called Apple Box? You know who did that was I did one of the games I covered when I was working in sports was I did a Monday night football game. And Al Michaels was with, was it with Collinsworth or with? I forget who he was with, but like. Not from Monday night.

Two tall guys. Yeah. And so he's standing on like this huge box because he's 5-2. And so he wants to just be in the frame. But I guess it really does mean something. If he just shot it at 5-2 with these guys over him, I guess the slight perception would be that he's small and weak. Yeah, I don't know.

I think it's more like he's not even in the frame unless he's standing on this box, you know. Yeah, that's part of it too. You got to get everyone's face in it. But there is a power thing. there. I don't know. Well, you're just going to have to deal with you being a little heavier in that special. Yeah.

Well, but. But you were that heavy. You were 10 pounds lighter than you had been for years. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing is like, you know, because we both, we went the other way where, like, for my last special was like, you know, six years ago. And I've got glasses. And, you know, it.

And then now I'm not wearing glasses anymore. Did you wear a hat? In the special I did, because it's in that Tropicana room. So I was wearing that hat that I wore kind of the, it's like a, A derby fedora kind of thing And had like a little I liked the atmosphere The room was fun

It was just now It's more me It's a big like The chin thing bothers me too Like I think I think I'm like I center on that When people are talking out

Like how does this guy's chin That was This is all obsession though Over You know The change is so minimal Right People are coming to you

Not for beauty But for fun And if you are a little chubby, there is that thing, like, you want to be somewhat attractive. Yeah. But you also are in the funny business. So it doesn't, you know, we look kind of the same. But that's how I know. 20 pounds up, 20 pounds down.

That's how I know it's good because that's what I'm worried about. Like, that's what the record guy was like, I know you like it because you're just talking about what you look like. And, like, there was one joke that, like, I kind of stutter. Uh-huh. And it's like, oh, I'm just trying to fix my. mistakes now. Like, you know what I mean? So you, you like it.

Does your friend call you a tubby tubs? When he's at a day? Nobody's ever, that's the whole thing. It's like, I went, I was like 135 pounds in high school. And, you know, I was playing basketball. So when I first went to college, I played at a small school because, you know, I was like 17. I was 135 pounds.

And then I lifted weights, gained like 25 pounds. And then that's when I became like a Division I caliber kind of. athlete. Right. And so I was in really great shape. And then when, you know, when I, I got into coaching and then became a sports guy, put on like 25 pounds. I called it my copland phase, my Sylvester Stallone. Yeah. And I never mind because I used to be like really skinny. But then I guess everybody else, like, especially when you're an athlete, they're like, oh man, you got to take some weight off. I was like, I'm good right here, man. Like I'm not, I can't work out five hours a day anymore and uh but then like you know he gets a point where it's like yeah it's really making a

difference you know for you know i don't want to end up having like back problems and that kind of stuff so it's really about health yeah appearance is really secondary you don't want to be in the pre-anything pre-diabetic free high blood pressure yeah no exactly so that's what it took me out of all that stuff the 20 pounds even so that's the yeah that's huge yeah that's a big deal So you were 135 in high school, and then what were you at your chubbiest? I would say, I think, well, so I played at. Be honest. No, no, I'm saying I played like muscle-wise.

I played at 175. Oh, wow. And then so, you know, so then I put on like 20, 25. So I was around like 200 for a long time. And then just in the last, like, pandemic. Probably when I met you, I was probably like 220. 220. 220.

And then I think I've gotten up to like to like 30, like eight maybe. Was your max? Yeah. And then. Yeah, that's too heavy. Yeah. And that was like, you know, because everyone went through that thing in the pandemic where it's like you're in really good shape and then you do nothing.

Yeah. And then. And the thing is, and this is, I mean, Joey and I calling you chubby on the road aside, nobody says you look fat. Yeah. All they say is when you drop the. weight, you look great. Right.

Wow, you look really good. Did you lose some weight? You're like, all right, so all those for the last year, you just were quietly thinking, wow, he's a little fat. Yeah. But it's like I'm from this small town, so everyone just sees me as like, you, you gain a lot of weight since you're 15. And it's like, of course I have.

I know. God. I feel like it's really just, it just comes down to hell. Are you okay? I just said health and you almost exploded. Joey. Is your glitch okay? It doesn't seem like it's glitching as much.

Has it been glitching now? We're good. All right. That's weird. Is Joey in triple digits? Is that he coughed when I said I was, because I think I'm just at, I got under 200, I think. You're wondering if he's 100 pounds?

Yeah. Just recently crossed over that 100 pound threshold. Wow. Congratulations. Thank you. That's amazing. You could have wrestle of Joey. Yeah.

We should give him the bread. with the cheese in it. Nobody would be your weight class. You could just starve yourself. What do you weigh? No comment. Come on. See, now this is how...

Everyone thinks they're a piece of garbage, right? We're sitting here talking about our big fat heads and being chubsy-upsies and feeling insecure about that. Now he's freaking out because he's too skinny. And you would die to have to be able to put a suit on that kind of body, right? Have you... I mean, the thing is, like, have you dated? girls that were mad that you were too skinny?

No, no. You could have stopped at girls. Oh. Yeah. Never. No. But I think that would be a thing that girls would be self-conscious of... Oh, he's too thin? Like he weighs less than me. Oh, yeah. Well, unless he goes to the full other end of the spectrum, because there's a lot of really heavy girls with really skinny guys. That's a thing. Is it? Yeah. Is it called something? It's called love.

So you think you're too skinny? A little bit, yeah. Yeah. Imagine that. Imagine living in a world where you just think you're too skinny. No one's happy. That's the thing. He's eating ice cream by the boatload and hot dogs and he can't gain weight.

I read Al Franken and Tom Davis used to be the comedy team. And Al was like a wrestler. And Tom was like just. a naturally skinny guy and could eat whatever he wanted. Yeah. And so they wanted to do a bit where they were the comedy team that weighs the same. And when they went on Letterman, and they were like, took it seriously and they wanted to actually do it.

And it was like, you know, he was telling Tom that he had to keep eating more. And Al's like, you know, wearing the aluminum suit and everything. And actually, they, for like a moment in time, they did weigh the same. That's like Dave Hill and I. Dave Hill is a very funny comedian, and he gave me his clothes when I filmed freaked out, my specialer. I dressed like a 70s entertainer.

And we were the same size. Oh, wow. And I was able to fit into his clothes. And then for like a couple of years after that, I had gained a little weight, so I was bigger than him. And when we would tell this story of me wearing Dave's clothes, people would go, you're not the weight. They wouldn't say, no, Tom, you're a fatty fat.

but they would say, no. You're the same size. But no one will come out and be honest with you. I am being honest with you, though, Joey. You're not too skinny. I don't think there is such a thing. No, thank you. You don't see a lot of fatty fats going to the end.

No, no. You know what I mean? Yeah. Very rare to see old fat people. But I've seen like a couple of phases of TV Tom. Like, you know, because that's when you're going to be on TV. You lose weight instantly. Yeah.

It's like magic. Because you just see your face on there. You're just getting prepared and you just don't even have to think about it. You just all of a sudden start shedding pounds. Yeah. And you had one where, well, do you think you were more self-conscious when you're on like a sitcom or like? Yeah. Because it's all.

100%. It's all beautiful people that are like literally like trying to look. less attractive. Yeah. Like, you know, Allison Hanigan's like trying to look normal. And it's like you can't even do it because she's, you know, beautiful. Right. Exactly.

Yeah. And, but I remember her actually telling me like when we were getting ready to do that pilot that she's like, don't, you're fine. Don't get into the head of I've got to be skinnier. I've got to be skinnier. I've got to be skinnier. But, you know, Kimmel dropped a whole bunch of weight. When you look at the early days, it's like, who's this chubby kid? He looks different.

He looks really different. I'll tell you the funniest story of someone being self-conscious about that for no reason whatsoever. My friend Rich Brown is a comic. He's in a couple of Fairley Brothers movies, and he's in Hall Pass. And he plays, in the credits, is the man with the world's smallest penis. So I don't have you ever seen the movie, but there's like a huge guy that has like a huge penis. And then him who has this tiny prostratic penis. And Owen Wilson passes out in a hot tub.

And the only reason they did that was like they're carrying him out. And the big guy is like by Owen's face. And Rich is on the other. And he's just like, hey, can you guys switch sides? Like that's the only joke. But Rich, who's playing the man with the world's smallest penis, is like working out the night before filming because he wants his abs to look good.

And it's like, dude, you're playing the guy with the world's smallest penis. Like, don't, everything else is out the window. You ever see that movie, Project X? No. It's a great movie. It's about kids having a house party that gets out of control. It just goes too big. And it's really fun.

There's a lot of Rick Shapiro's in it. Oh, okay. He has a part. And it's really, really funny. And the funniest part for me that makes me cry every time I watch it. It's like three high school kids getting ready for a party. And the one chubby kid, the party is like going to be in an hour. And he's on the treadmill trying to get in shape for the party.

It makes me laugh every time because you always think like, oh, jeez, I got to. do it now and there's no time you are what you are you're fine but it is kind of we all feel bad about ourselves well but you but you had a good run with are you still doing peloton or like you have to have to have something that you're excited to stick to i am and you know i hate to even like say it because it's so um it's such a uh it's sound like i should be skinnier because of this accomplishment but right now I have a 208 week streak going. I was just looking at my app. All right.

That's amazing. 208 weeks. Joey, you know math. How many years is that? A hundred years. It's not a hundred years. It's what's 50, what's how many 52? Yeah.

Into 208. What is that? Like four-ish? Is it four? Yeah. Close. Three guys that can't add. 52.

But are you adding like what you could have done? What I say 208? What you could have done with that time? Is that what you're counting? Wait, hold on. What I say, 208 divided by 52? It's four exactly. Oh.

What? I'm at my four year mark. That's weird. It's weird that we couldn't do that without a calculator. Wow. So since the Olympics. Four years. So where are we?

2023. I just measured by the Olympics. That was four years ago. It was four years ago. It was before the pandemic. 2019? Really? Yeah.

Right before the pandemic. I didn't realize you got it before. And then, yeah, because it saved me during the pandemic. It saved me from going into crazy world. Yeah. Like when everyone was starting to lose their marbles, I realized, oh, exercise is going to keep me sane. Yeah. And, yeah, four straight years of a.

at least once. That's great. Using it. Yeah. There's been times when I've had to just use the app where I'm on the road and a week has gone by or I'm coming up on a week. So I'll do a yoga class or a strength class or something like that. There have been those weeks.

But most of the weeks I am on the bike at least a couple of times, two or three times. And yeah. So I feel like I should, like that sounds great and impressive. And it is health-wise. But it also feels like I should be 20 pounds lighter. You know what I mean? That your body's just gotten used to it. Yeah, because I went out for a run.

And over vacation, I was running because I was on the road. And that's a whole different thing. Yeah. Cycling is not running. You got to mix it up. But it's good that you don't do that pounding, though, because that's the thing that's bad about running. Why are you turning it into a sex show? Jeez.

Talking about fitness. No, but how many, we've worked on how many TV shows and on the road. So I know, like, your diet and you eat very well. And so, like. Yeah, but then you also know when I go off the leash. But that's the thing is, like, the structure is there. Like, I remember I watched a little bit of Stavros, and it's like, you know, I'm sure he was just, like, ordering as soon as he got back to his room, like, food

because, like, you didn't have any in the green room. I think that's what he was talking about. just like ordering cheeseburgers and stuff. Because it's like you have all the stuff that you want because you don't want like anything that's going to weigh you down or too much sugar. You have like nuts, some like strawberries. You're talking about my rider on the road.

Yeah, it's a crudeite. Yeah, I never even knew that word before I met you. It's the most boring backstage you could have. I really went nuts and added chips to it. Yeah. So we could have some chips. And that's us really going crazy. That's us throwing the TV out of the window.

And you do like a local beer now. right? Yeah. And I feel stupid about even getting that. Yeah. Yeah. But I feel like that's fun for them. I'm pretty dial it.

But, you know, the unfortunate thing is that at a certain age, it's like eating a chip will change the whole week. You know what it? Like, you literally have to eat nothing in order to keep the weight off. Right? Have you found that? Like, it's, you dropped 30. So, I mean, you had, you were super, super fat. So you got to lose a lot of weight quick.

But then it gets tougher and then you can gain it back so much easier. I mean, it's seven months. So over seven months, 30 pounds is like, wow. You know. That's impressive. Four pounds a month, something like that. So how many more girls are you going out with that? That's always funny.

You always live through. You live through me that way. I always end up getting jokes. Like, I think I have. Peloton jokes, and I have tattoo jokes, and I don't have tattoos or a Peloton. So I think I'd learn about all that stuff through you, and then I make fun of it. Right. And I think you make fun of me through all the dumb stuff that I do.

Yeah, that is true. Do you still, have you, have your, so you're... I was just on the Peloton an hour ago, by the way. Really? Mm-hmm. Do you wear shorts? Yeah. That's another thing that people should know about Tom.

I don't know naked. He doesn't. Well, but you're very judgmental about people who wear shorts. It's true. But I was just at the Jersey Shore for two weeks, and my legs are pretty tan right now. I almost showed up in shorts just to show you. I feel like, but you're more about like it should be business attire. Like why are you wearing shorts?

Yeah, it's time. At a certain point, you should grow up. But it's like 94 degrees. It's comfortable. I don't know. My dad was a gym teacher, so I don't have that, like, formal dress code. Yeah. I don't, you know, children wear shorts.

Or if you're near a beach or a pool. But really good shorts. That's what, you know. Really good shorts. That's what you told me. You can wear, like Jay-Z. You can wear it. You can wear a T-shirts.

It's got to be really nice. It's got to be fresh. Yeah, nice T-Streas. So that's the same with sneakers. Jay-Z is not just wearing his haines. Right. That's been through the wash five times. Now, did we win you over with sneakers now?

Because that was the one movement that you made. Yeah, but you know, yes. And by the way, I saw the movie. Yeah. The air movie that. Why you got to bring that up? Well, I'm just saying, like, I got you into the employee store years before it was cool. You remember that, right?

Of course. And I bought a pair of some popular basketball players shoes. Chris Paul. Chris Paul's shoes. Yeah. Because I had just done the commercial, so that's how we got in there. And I bought them and I never wore them. I felt like an idiot.

Yeah. But everybody, like my friend, not my friend, my, a listener from my radio show. The guy that was in Cincinnati. Yes. Yeah. Rick, he bought me a pair of Nike Air Jordans. Jordan ones. That I could wear on stage because he thought wearing my converse was unacceptable.

Yeah. So I wear them and people compliment them. People are like, those are really nice shoes. I feel a little like a child. Yeah, you were second-guessing yourself. I'm like, you look cool, man. You look fun. I know.

You remember when Letterman used to wear the suit and they had the sneakers? Like, that's cool. I know. And my friend Lenny Marcus, great comedian. He was, like, he didn't own a pair of shoes as a man does not own a pair of shoes. Oh, really?

And this was before the sneakers became fashionable with suits. Like every sports broadcaster and everybody. And even they're in the white shoes. White House, they took, they had to do a story about it. Is it okay to wear sneakers with your suit? But it's really, they broke the sneaker, the comfort in sneakers has broken down through the barriers. That being said, I saw on Instagram a clip of John Lee Hooker at 80 years old sitting there playing the blues. And they did a shot of his feet. And he had these, his suit pants went down to like half calf.

And then it was tight dress socks into these hard dress shoes. And I thought that's what a grown-up should wear. But that's the thing, it's like, you're old, that's old school. Like, I had an aunt that was like 92, my aunt Elizabeth. She wouldn't leave the house without makeup and high heels on. Like, she's 92. I know. She's like, wear comfortable shoes.

Yeah. She didn't want to go out of the house that way. No, she wanted to dress like a grown-up. And I get that. So the sneaker thing, like, as long as, this is so boring. I apologize to our listeners. No, I think it's a fast thing about you. I'm probably repeating myself, yeah.

I think you came from Seinfeld. Like, you played all these really nice places with him. Yeah. He's wearing a suit. And, like, I think he expected that. And hard dress shoes. Yeah, he expected that of you. And you kind of learned, like, that's kind of what men who are taking this seriously do.

Yeah. These kids at the clubs are wearing sweatshirts and crocs and stuff like that. You want to look like Buddy Hackett. or Bob Newhart for crying out loud. There is something to that. There is something still in me that feels like you should be a little bit of a grown-up. I don't like the shorts thing is the extreme part of it. Right.

I'm really, you know, dressing like a child. But I have softened on the sneaker part. But you have to, again, like you said, with the Jay-Z, It should look good overall. Yeah. But it's the thing where this job is fun, and you can wear whatever you want. Yeah, but I'm also conscious of not trying to look like a 10-year-old. Yeah.

Like, there's nothing worse than the older guy who's trying to look young. You know what I mean? Yeah, but you have to like, like, I loved what you wore in that special when you talked about Dave. Like, because even Rob Zombie was like, that should be your look. You got sideburns, a big collar. Like, you're just owning it. And you're not trying to look a certain age. But that was dressed like a grown-up in the 70s.

I wore shoes. I wore a purple coat. Like I, those were traditional adults. Yeah. Things. Like my last one, I wore a t-shirt. Right. Underneath a thing with some sneakers.

See, and I don't know if I love that. See, because you're, because you're, that's the thing is your jacket. You're down to a t-shirt and sneakers now. So you're like a step away. from like a wife beater and shorts. The problem too is that like you think, well, I'll just wear a suit. Like that looks good. I saw a guy on the news yesterday and just wore a blue button down.

Kind of like just a like a Brooks Brothers kind of like and he's just and I was like, that's a grownup. Just he's doing an interview on BBC and he's like a grownup. But he's also like Joey size and he looks good. It's like night. I put on a suit. sometimes, and I think I'm Carrie Grant, and I'm closer to Chris Farley. You know what I mean?

Well, you helped me because we met that guy who, like, Danny, who did the suits for all the TV shows. And when I did Letterman, I had to wear a suit. And you helped me, that was like my first nice suit. Even when I was on the news, I was a sports anchor. My clothing allowance was $200 at JCPenney, which is not even enough for a full suit. So I got two half suits. I got like the tie, the jacket, and the shirt.

So I, because I did Saturday, Sunday. Yeah. So I needed two different outfits. And then I just wore shorts underneath the desk. Well, think about that. That was, that was a rule to be on Letterman. Yeah. You had to wear a suit.

Mm-hmm. So what does that say for the state of comedy? Like, I remember Chappelle was going on, and it was a big deal because he wasn't going to wear a suit. Well, he would always say, thanks for dressing up. To anybody who was in shorts, that was Dave's joke. because thanks for dressing up Louis or, you know, whoever it was. Yeah.

So there was that thing of like... Unless it's like your party or style, you know, like if Rob Zombie did it, I'm sure he's wearing Rob Zombie attire. Yeah. Attire. Right, of course. There is the thing, too, though. Times just change.

And guys in suits are not really in favor. You know what I mean? Well, that's the only thing I regret, even about other late night spots. Like the late late show. I wore just like blue jeans and like a black jacket and a black t-shirt. And it's just like I had like this moment to like wear something kind of cool or, you know, develop a style. I just didn't have enough cool friends, you know. That's the problem.

We don't have cool style. We're not cool cats. And if you start thinking about what am I going to wear in my special, that's going to be obsessed until it's over. Yeah. And then you're going to be in the editor. room and still unhappy with it because some people just can do that really well. Yeah. I don't know.

Like what I wore in my last special, I don't know if it was right. Do you remember? What I wore? Yeah. I wore a t-shirt. So that, but that one is the only one that you're wearing like the 70s kind of loud colors. That's the only one that's like different from your style. No.

My first, the first shot that I did on Conan as a kid that got me a tequila. TV show. Yeah. And got attention. I was wearing a yellow suit. Yellow? I was wearing a yellow suit. Where'd you get it?

From a nice place in New York. Yeah. I forget what the name of it was, but it was a good place, and it'd been around for years. And it's got to be less money. It's yellow. No. It was like, you know, it wasn't bright, like, man in the yellow hat. It was a little musterty.

Right. But the point is it stood out. Yeah. It totally stood out. It looked good. and it wasn't like, you know, I wasn't trying to be Steve Harvey. Yeah.

Sinbad. Yeah. But those things, you're right. Like, you have an opportunity here. Why just go with whatever? Yeah. But then the other thing, this is round and round and round.

The other thing is, shouldn't it just be the jokes? Yeah. You know what I mean? Bill Burr comes out and just a button down and bad shoes. Right. And Ryan Regan, you know,

wears like a, you know, it's really about the jokes. Well, I remember, because most of the time you just want to not look dumb. So it's like I can wear jeans and a shirt and jacket. Like New York, everyone seems to have like the same kind of outfit on stage because you're going subway and it's not super comfortable. It's very hard to like look classy and stand out. And I remember when I first started doing stand-up,

I was doing, there was the old Boston Comedy Club. and Ed Helms was running a show Oh really? Which is funny Yeah And he was, I remember he asked He was like, wanted me to get him into the brokerage or something I was like,

you're a movie star not, but Gaffigan was on the show. I think it was the first time me and Jim met And I had this weird thing where I would go to like, it wasn't Spencer Gifts but it was like one of those stores that just had like those weird

backstreet boys kind of shirt like buttoned down with the martini and it's like silver. Yeah. Or like a plasticy kind of like Devo jacket. Yeah. So here I was like super plain Midwestern looking guy and I just had like a silver shirt. And like one of my friends thought it was hilarious because they're just like, that shirt is like so not you that it's great.

I know. Because New York, that's how they think. It's like, oh, yeah. I love how ironic that is on you. I was like, I wasn't trying to be. I just didn't know. Yeah, I know. Like, you hear some people talk about style and stuff

and that it's their style. They see it as an artistic expression, and they're, like, trying, you know, they dress it in this big way. But the other thing comes down when you're a comic on the road, packing. It's like, I could address, like, the 70s guy, but you know how many things you'd have to buy

and how many things you got to fit in a suitcase? Yeah. Well, that's what it comes down to. Your outfit is, like, what can I fit? in the suitcase. I don't run because I can't bring my shoes. But I was like, if you wore running shoes on stage, that would be your two words with one stone.

That's big. The other big conflict is I want to run when I'm on the road. And the only way to do it is to have my, wear my running shoes in the airport. And even that bothers me. Yeah. I want you to like go all in on the food thing, though. I want you like in a chef's hat next tour.

I want you. Apron. I want you taking the. apron off while you're going on stage. Like you just got out of the kitchen. Yeah. Yeah, just be the every man. Well, we've talked too much about it because we really shouldn't even be thinking about it that much.

Well, but I think it's like, you know, I mean, the big part of doing all this stuff is to travel. You know, and we've always, like, you've always been helpful. You know, Joey, I think we got through, you know, he learned about five years of experience. in one weekend of traveling with us. It's like, this is what you do, this is what you don't want to do. Like, I finally got it because of you got the global entry. And so I applied for it. And then it's like, oh, yeah, well, it's pending an interview.

You can do it in next year. Next year? It was like seven months or something. Whoa, really. So I come through and now, like, I've missed two connections in my life. And so now I'm like, I'm only doing carry on. like anything I fit. And so it was Miami.

I'm coming through customs. And I just got an email saying like my thing is pending in this interview, but I got to wait seven months for the interview. And this guy literally shouts like, hey, does anybody have a pending global entry thing? I was like, yes. Like, are you kidding me? Like, are you reading my email right now? Like, why would anybody say that?

And he's like, yeah, I'm training this person. So here, we can do your interview right now. Whoa. So he did my interview in the airport. Amazing. And by the time I got to my gate, I got the email saying approved, got my global entry thing. Wow. It is the best thing in the world. Have you done it?

Can't wait. No, this is my, going to be my first trip this week. You hardly even stop. You just walk up to this thing. It takes your picture and they say, okay, Paul, come on. And it's over. Like, it's that quick. But Joey was like, what is, what is, like, he learned about pre and then he's like, what's clear? There's like four different things now. that we had to teach him about.

I know. Watching Joey have to go on the regular line, it's like you want to help him, but you can't wait for him for a half hour. I can't wait until Joey's like a big fat, like road weary guy. Yeah. Smoking cigars.

He's like, I'm selling more books out here. Congratulations on the book, by the way. Thank you. It's called, we're all in this together, so make some room. I got the audio book. Da-da-da-da-dun-dun-da. Yeah, it's been good. I just did a big radio tour again today for it.

Thank you. I know. Now I've got to think about what's next. Yeah, because you were in writer mode for a long time. I know. And I think it's hard to like, well, you said you started doing that with your act, though, right? I did. I started writing it kind of in the same way.

Joey, is he throwing up? I think he. Oh, my God. He's laughing at your work ethic. Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous. Well, I don't want to talk about it. You do have a dinosaur here.

Well, thanks for doing this, Paul. No, thank you. Thanks for the bread. Good to see you. Yeah, absolutely. And we'll do, I think we're doing Anaheim is our birthday weekend. Anaheim on the birthday weekend. I think you're going to come to, you're going to come to, yeah, this is going to come out next week.

Okay. And tell the people again when they can see your special. August, 4th. Well, we're doing the album release. first. Okay. Because that's like the important thing now is to get your, get your stuff on serious and do all that kind of stuff.

And so the pre-sale is August 4th and then it's released August 11th. So ice cream versus everything. Awesome. Yeah, it's super excited. It's like an hour of, you know, basically my whole comedy career in a show. Like I had, I had friends from my high school that came out there and so I ended up telling like stories about, you know, them and it became a really fun. like weekend so it captured a great and then you'll have to come on the radio show too and we'll

plug it closer to the date yeah uh for sure well this has been great uh the great paul morrissey everybody joey is it true did we teach you everything about the road did you learn from paul i learned it all you did learn how big steaks are yeah you know what he did have one faux pa when he got in i got him into the uh concierge key lounge and he came in with a uh a hamburger from mcdonald's and he was He was already buying sneakers during dinner. You're going to make him broken fat. Who is he with? I was like, eat it, eat it.

He's like, what are you? What? I said, just get rid of the evidence before the rich people see you. All right, we got it, Joey. There you have it. The great Paul Morrissey. That was an epic night. I did not realize you had a four-ounce steak.

That is ridiculous. I don't know how we let you do that. I've slowly gone up since. We're at about eight, maybe 12 ounces. 12 would be huge. That's three of what you had that night. I must have had a really good martini and just didn't notice what you were doing. I was probably distracted by the Celtics game underneath the table.

Go see Paul Morrissey. Look for him on social media. Also keep an eye out for his special that is coming out on August 4th and then going wide on the 11th. What's it called again? Ice cream versus everything. Ice cream versus everything. Go to tompapa.com.

all of my tour dates. I'm going to be with Paul in New Hampshire at the Hampton Casino. And then we also have a date in Anaheim in August as well. Sorry, I'm burping during the plugs, but I'm hungry. Really hungry. You know, there's a pizza place right next door. We've got to do that one day. What we should do when we don't have a guest, or if we have a guest that's amenable, doesn't have a lot. A good friend, a good friend of the show. We got to go to that pizza place and get some of stuff off their menu and bring it in and eat it during the podcast definitely and if it's bad we'll we won't say what the name of it is if it's good we'll praise them but every time i pull in i'm like why aren't i eating pizza sitting here talking about

paul losing weight all day all right everybody thank you for listening we'll see you next time