Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 167 - Kira Soltanovich is Back and She Refuses to Leave

Episode Date: August 8, 2023

Kira Soltanovich loves Killer Whales but hates Bread!   Thanks to our sponsor Nuts.com! Right now, Nuts.com is offering new customers a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of $29 or more at https://www.Nuts.com/PAPA.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I'm Tom Papa. Dun-da-da-da-dun-dun-dun-dum. We have a very fun show for you today. I'm not going to tell you why just yet. But I'd like to thank the people at nuts.com for coming on board and sponsoring today's show, whether you're someone on the go who needs a quick snack on the way or someone who spends time at home and needs a stocked snack drawer, which I do. Nuts.com has you covered.

I've been using it so much. My wife, if I'm eating a nut, she says it better be from Nuts.com. Nuts.com is offering new customers a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of $29 or more at Nuts.com slash Papa. Go check out all the delicious options at Nuts.com slash Papa. you'll receive a free gift and free shipping when you spend $29 or more. That's nuts.com slash papa. It's funny. Like literally as I'm reading this, I'm excited because I know I'm running low and I get to go back to the site,

which is so much fun just to be shopping at nuts.com. I know. It sounds like I'm kissing ass to my sponsor, but I love nuts.com. Okay, so more about that later. So this is a good little, I'm going to say, and a little chapter in Breaking Bread. We have a guest who our listeners adore and I adore. And she's been on the program more than any other guest.

And I can only be talking about Kira Sultanovich. and Kira is here today and from what I can gather you're never going to leave. No. You are now going to be with me on our program every time.

It's only because parking is so hard around here. Yeah. Like it's not worth it for me to have to keep looking for parking. So you're just going to host and even beyond the podcast, you're going to just stay in the studio. I'm just going to be here. It's, I don't know why it's so difficult.

I get it. It's like busy and there's all the little places to eat and it's lunchtime and everyone's milling about, but it's a little ridiculous. It is ridiculous. It is. And I wonder if it's because of the time we were recording. Because I felt like we've asked, since we moved to this new studio, we've asked our people, our guests, how's the parking?

And they all, I got the sense that they were all just being nice when they They're like, it was okay. Oh, no, they're being nice. They're being nice. I parked and took an Uber. They're being nice. Yeah, so I'm just going to be here now. Well, all right.

Well, I love this. This is going to be good for us. And if we're going to have a guest, sometimes we're going to have a guest. Next week we're going to have a guest. But you will be here with me. I would love a guest. So we don't have to talk to each other? Just me and you gazing into the same corneas every week.

Yeah, let's mix it up. All right. So let's get some guests once in a while. A new cornea. All right. Well, thank you for coming on board. This is going to be a lot of fun. I'm sorry about the parking.

All right. So now that we're going into this new phase, I think that I should be honest with you. No secrets, right? No, no, we shouldn't. No secrets. Maybe a couple, but no secrets. We have a parking space here at the conference.

compound. What? One parking space. Oh, well, I get it. Message received. My car is in that space right now. Yeah, yeah, I know. I figured.

Now, here's what I've been thinking, because this is so close to where I live. I have been fantasizing about a bicycle. Ooh. And I know it's going to be hard to ask your advice because I know you're not going to be giving me advice to help me. you're really just going to be trying to figure out how you can get the parking space. But when I was in Montreal, I was just in Montreal for the comedy festival, and you see people on bikes. And I like those cool bikes that not a lot of gears, not a lot of things.

It's just kind of like streamlined. You know what I mean? European-looking bicycle, very simple. I could just pedal my way here and then you could use the space. Look, since we're being honest, no secrets. No secrets. From a very early age, I have really love nuts.com too. Yeah.

And I would not talk you out of biking just for your health, not for me. You know, I'm much younger than you, so I can walk. I can walk the 27 blocks I had to walk to get here. Yeah. I'm, you know, I'm much, much better shape. Have you ever tried parking off of, on the other side? I'm off. Off of L.A.?

Out of L.A. Out of L.A. County. No, off of the main boulevard on that other side? I am off of the main. Because I always find spots over there. I'm off of the main main. Oh, really? You're in a secondary, secondary.

A couple mains over. It's fine. I'm just. I'm just messing with you. All right. I support you biking. You know there's electric bikes. I know.

Okay, so this is something that I just read last night. In the New York Times, I think. I may have been in cover story below the fold. You know, it's all the big stuff is up above the fold and then you have below the fold. And this is below the fold. It was still first page that teenagers are killing themselves on electric bikes. What? What?

They go 20 miles an hour. So accidentally. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. This isn't a new attempt to end at all. Like a pact. No, they think they're having fun. Right.

And they're on those bikes that like Arnold Schwarzenegger drives around with big fat tires. Yeah. And they're a little EV. Well, apparently they're kind of dangerous and kids aren't wearing helmets. I'm not interested in that. You don't. But you would be safe. Kids are also riding those hover.

boards that burst into flames and we would never do that either and there are a lot of things that that kids do that we would never do yeah 100% all right so you'd be safe you'd go slowly this is perfect would you just turn signals when you vacation are you a are you a activity person or a lounge person it depends it depends where where are we okay so you're going to a resort on the beach. Yep. And you're not bringing along your children. Oh, God.

That's, oh, I just felt like something inside my soul when you said that. The first thing in my mind was, oh, sand toys. Yeah, right. I know. Oh, geez. Where's my wetsuit? I've ripped. I want this one.

Yeah. So, oh, without my kids, I'm going to do everything. You're going to do everything? I'm going to do everything. I would think you'd be exhausted and you get there. and don't do anything. Yes. So the first couple days, you just sit.

Yeah. And you let your eyes uncross. Right. And just let them kind of go into their natural state. And then I want to find the volcano. Do. Yes. I want to get the, do the bike tour.

Kayak. Or some sort of donkey thing. Oh, geez. There's always a donkey trek, right? It's always a donkey that takes you somewhere and then you take like an ATV back. There's always one of those excursions or like you. You take a donkey there and then you just zip line back to the hotel. The whole thing is just one long zip line.

All right. So when you say with the kids, when the kids are hoverboarding and doing all this stuff, so you're into activities but not dumb activities that you'll be hurt. Well, I just, the bike situation, we have a lot where I live, okay, because we're out in suburbia and there are a lot of hills, so a lot of kids want to get around, but not on a regular bike. So there's a lot of EV bikes. They're tons.

Massive. I mean, they look like tires from a Delta, you know, 747. They're huge. They do look cool. Yeah. But I mean, yes, I'm sure they're not being safe. But when I was a kid, they weren't safe on skateboards. My kids are not safe with spoons.

So kids are just, they're not bright. Yeah. And I think you would be smart and safe. And you would tuck your jeans into your socks. Like, you'd be that guy. You'd be okay. No, but I'm not bringing this up for my new bike idea. Oh, okay.

I'm bringing this up because- I'm still pushing that. I know. All right, I'll give me the spot. Yeah, we've got to figure it out. Well, actually, we'll talk to the owner too. Maybe she'll let us, I'm kind of been charming her. I may have some tricks at my sleeve.

That aside, biking here, that's fine. I don't see that really as an activity. I see that as a commute. Sure. Right? Yeah. Back to the resort. Yes.

My wife, my wife loves a nice activity. Yeah. Loves an activity. Wants to kayak, wants to rock climb. I think she's rock climbing right now. Where is she? In an indoor rock climbing. Yeah.

Loves an activity. I don't. I want to be in the lounge chair. Yeah. nachos, maybe cocktail, a little dip in the pool, back to the sun, a book, back to the thing. I think both are important. Right? But don't you, after like two, three days of that, and you're like, oh, we got like four more days here, you got a zip line.

I don't have to zip line. You have to zip line. At some point. Someone just died on a zip line, right? Oh, jeez. You saw that story? No, stop reading the newspapers. Somebody died.

Joey, do you know about the Ziplang guy? For crying out loud. No, I don't. Yeah, it was bad. I think it might have been a family. Where? In the top of a jungle where they always do it. Yeah.

Which I actually had to joke about this in my act for a long time. Like, you're on vacation. How bored are you on vacation? That now you're in Costa Rica. You've got the beaches. You've got the, now you've got to put on a dirty harness and a sweaty. helmet from with filled with lice. Isn't it enough glory?

You know, my kids are probably ziplining right now. Are they really? They have a zip line at their camp. And I think they use a coffee filter as like a condom for each helmet. So they each have to like, I think they put a coffee filter on and then they share the helmet. Yeah, you don't have to be doing this. Now, I was down at the Jersey Shua. Yeah.

Very pretty area. And every day. I mean, I definitely realized how tired I was from touring that I, every day, got my book and went to the beach and set up my chair and sat there like a clam. Yeah. And then we had a friend who is Action Johnson. He just, he has a paddleboard, he's got a surfboard, he does wind sailing, he's jogging on the beach, he's Mr. activity lives there year round and we're friends with them and he comes over to us and says I brought the paddle board if you guys want a paddle board and my wife had mentioned it earlier that

she would like to paddle board and she wasn't feeling great and she's like I'm no thank you and my wife has been trying to get me to paddle board for we've married 23 years probably 21 years she's been trying to get me to paddle board it looks stupid I don't want a paddleboard. So he leaves and he comes back. I was like, oh, good. He didn't say anything to me. Then he comes back and says, I didn't want to be rude, but I have the paddleboard. Tom, if you want a paddle board, I'd be more than happy to push you out into the ocean with no lessons and let you paddleboard. And I was like, oh, man, I know it was coming. And I felt like that activity, there's a lot of activity peer pressure.

There's a lot of activity peer pressure. Well, paddle boarding in the Atlantic does not feel fun to me at all. No, it doesn't. No. Everything in my brain is telling me the stories of... A lagoon. Yeah, a pond in a golf course. Yeah, a pond, a coy pond.

Yeah, no, not the Atlantic. So I'm feeling the pressure. My wife feels bad that she turned him down. He's looking there like, you want to do it? And I was like, you know what? I can do things. I'm not a clam. I can go, sure, I'll paddleboard.

And he pushed me. He said, great. He was all excited. He got the paddle board, gave me the stick. And he put. It's an oar, but okay. It's a paddle. And he pushes me into the ocean and break the waves and get out there.

And I fell for 10 minutes straight of its, I've never stood up on before, and I'm trying to stand on it and the waves are coming. And I did it for about 10 minutes, landed on my rib on the paddleboard. This is four or five weeks ago, Joey, right, since I've been back, still can't sleep on my left side. I think I broke a rib on the paddleboard. The good news is I'll never have to paddleboard again. You will never.

You will never. Do you want to Mr. Miyagi you? Yeah? Yeah, I can do it. And I'll heal it immediately. As our listeners know, Kira is a gypsy. Yeah. I got lotion.

Not in a derogatory term. No, no, no. This is a magical healing. Gypsy. I have tinctures with me right now. I always will have a tincture. The other day, my husband was like, oh, God, my wrist is weird.

I was like, I have three different creams. Three different creams for you. Did it work? Yeah. You did swoop in during COVID when I got COVID. Yeah. And you brought, I think, 200 different homeopathic. Yes.

Tinctures. Pills. Little drops of this. Yeah. I have to say, those things never look that impressive. Like the pill, like, they're packaging, because, you know, they're not a giant company. It's like a guy in his basement making allergy pills. No.

And they're just blank. And it just says pill for allergy. No. Completely wrong. It's like where it's like one step lower than generic. It's a multi-million dollar company. That's making those. bad packaged things?

They're not bad package, but what do you want them to have? You want glitter to come out when you open it? When I see the Advil label, I'm comforted. I don't know why. Do you know why? I'll tell you why. Why? Because there's like 50 warnings on there.

And you're like, now this is medicine. If I take a little too much, I will diarrhea all over the place. Like, you don't want, if you want to shit your pants, yes. Right. You want to be comforted with the packaging, with all the, you know, exclamations. points and the hazards and a skull. I like a nice Advil. Sure.

And I'm giving you the alternative. You're giving me St. John's Wart. That's right. Yes. Derived whatever. You didn't. Look, whatever you gave me during COVID was, I have to say. I have the text.

Here's what you texted me. Two other friends tested positive the same day I did. And I just tested negative and they haven't. Uh-huh. I put that on my brochure, that quote. On my gypsy healing. Your new gypsy book. Brosure.

Tom Papa, you cured me. Yeah. What would you do for my paddleboard rib? Oh, well, that's, I mean, I can Mr. Miyagi you a little bit, you know, and then you need, like. Time. A lot of time, Arnica, Arnika, for sure. Who's Arnika? She's this alt comic who does rooms in Silverland.

I saw her at the festival. I don't know how bad it is, but Arnica helps with any kind of bruising, anything, you know, to help heal. It's a pill? It dissolves in your mouth. They all dissolve in your mouth. I love a dissolve. Yes, a sublingual.

Man, I had, I bring B12 with me on the road. And I bought the wrong kind and you just swallow it. No. The other one dissolves in your mouth. And I think it works better. Yeah, it's fast. You feel, yeah, it kicks in maybe. Right.

I like a nice dissolve. So I would rub, you can put some Arnica cream on it. I think that's a little bit out of my pay grade. And I'm kind of like before it hurt all here. Now it's like it's, you know it's healing because it's now down to its spot that was fractured by the dumb paddleboard. Okay, so there's activities and then there's, you know, ridiculous things. I would never paddle board. Most activities.

Start on your knees. I did start on my knees. Okay. And then, but then, you know. you know, you're supposed to be standing up, and I tried. And I'm not non-athletic. I can do things. This was stupid.

And I knew it was going to be stupid. For 21 years, I said, this is stupid. And I was right. But now we have something to talk about on the podcast. That's, okay, so name an activity, and I'll tell you whether it's stupid or not. Okay. I, I, I, okay. I would never do this, but there was an activity that we could have done.

They were hardcore go through the mud, and you have to wear not only like a big, huge, massive helmet, but it's like a mask because it's how much mud gets in your face, ATV tours. It was offered at our resort. Just out of courtesy, I didn't say stupid as soon as you said you have to wear a mud thing. I was just being respectful and didn't want to interrupt. Like that's how much mud will get up your nose and in all of the holes that God gave you. Oh my God. Yeah. Now ATV on its own, maybe in a nicer climate or in less muddy place.

But it doesn't matter because then it's dust. So if you're out just on a dirt road, then it's just dust. All right, ATV is stupid. ATV is stupid. Uh, kayaking. So I enjoy a nice kayak. Uh-huh. I went in Austin with my best friend and my kid was in the back.

He was like nine or ten at the time. And I, uh, screamed the entire time as if I was on a roller coaster. Were you going on rapids? No. This was flat. But I just, um, you know, we just, no, not in a fun way. Oh. Slow down, guys.

No. Hey guys, wait, we're wrong way. I'm going to the left. Where are you going? Because I was in the front and I couldn't see anything. And then I immediately had that parent guilt of like, what have I done? My kid is on this kayak. And my best friend's an absolute lunatic.

I love her. But she's just pissing herself laughing the whole time because I'm having a breakdown. Because you're so nervous. Because, you know, if you're crashing, people are there. And then you go into the weeds and then you can't get out. And then ducks, ducks. And then just everywhere. And then people are floating on there, like sun tanning and not moving and not keeping the traffic.

Where was this? Austin, right there like that famous. Yeah, where there's a bridge and you always see pictures of people right there. Yeah, okay. Right there. Stupid. Lots of kayaks. Stupid.

So you have to. Most water activities are stupid. Paddleboard, two people in a paddle board with your little pedals. Oh, yeah, the little, I've done that with my kids. Yeah, dumb. Tubbing. You ever go tubing? I have.

Another summer activity? I have. The worst sunburn of my life. The worst. Because you can't like flip over or reapply. You have nothing with you. Right. And you just out there just kill me.

Kill me, son. Yeah. I actually hurt my rib. Oh, Jesus. When I did that. I think it's your rib. I do have weak ribs. You might have an extra rib.

There's actually a third water. thing. I tried surfing in Costa Rica and the board went into my ribs. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. My ribs always end up in trouble. And the tube, you're just a leaf. There's no steering it. No. There's no paddling. You're just, they stick you in it. A hillbilly puts you in it and pushes you into the water. And then you go with a group and we're like, we're all going to hold on. And then you're immediately just dispersed. Like, you're just gone. All your friends are like, where are you? I can't get to you. I don't know.

Again, where is my child? I have the immediate, like, what have I done? I'm, you know, separated from my kid. I went down a rapid, got flipped over on the tube, got pushed down by the waterfall into a rock at the bottom.

So I'm spread eagle around a rock. Oof. Your rib, let me guess. And my rib. I will tell you, this is one of the dumbest things I've ever done. So much fun. Agreeing to do this podcast?

Yes. Another regret. Where are my children? I went spulunking. Okay. Harnessing, dropped by a rope into a cave. Into a hole. Into a hole in the earth. Just a one of Earth's many holes.

And it was in it was in Gleng-Loughlin Wales. Okay. So, you know, I'm not saying that everything's done by the book in the United States, but when you're in another country, you don't know what kind of corners they're cutting. Any country that doesn't have a legal system that allows frivolous lawsuits. Right, exactly. Which is horrible, but at the other end of it means overregulated and there's going to be actually harnesses that work.

How many times you've been in another country and you see like just a piece of the sidewalk missing? I walk by, go, that's a lawsuit. And nobody in that country cares. They're just like, this is how we live. So we're in, and it's a bunch of, you know, locals and then a few Americans. Yeah. And we go down into this hole. And immediately I was like, what am I doing?

I have made a terrible mistake. I love how you didn't think of it before when they said, hey, we're going to do this. Because I was young. Right. I was probably only like 20, 21. So I was a kid and I was dumb. Yeah. And there was probably a cute boy.

Yep. Yep. So we get lowered in and then the guy proceeds to tell us after we're already in Earth's earhole that, hey, there are some parts with a lot of water. So you're going to have to swim. What? And right away, he took us down one of the paths and the top of the cave is here and the top of water is here. No. Like we were rescuing people. You're up to your neck in water.

and the top of it is at your head. Yes, and then the water receded, thank God. But so did the cave. And then we had to roll. You couldn't even like squat. He's like, now this is the part where you just roll through to the next. He called like rooms. I don't know why he acted like we were at a holiday inn.

He's like, oh, this next room. What are you talking about? This isn't a room. Wait, wait, wait. Yes. Wait. It was that. Wait.

I know. I'm so claustrophobic right now. I'm about to throw up. Are you, when you are that deep and the water's rising and you're rolling and are you attached to a rope that'll get you back to the beginning? Zero. Zero. Nothing.

So if you're on your own, you're down there, you die down there. Well, you go with a group. I know, but I'm saying, like, great, if there isn't a group. Right. Like, this is, someone has to know how we're getting back. No, no, yeah. Because you're meandering under the earth. Yeah.

How is it? Are you who have headlamps? Yes. So we had full on, you know, like the full on zip, like a mechanic's full on. And then so we're rolling. No, the water had gone down, thankfully. Did you pay them to do this? Of course we did.

A lot of money. Oh, my God. And we're rolling. We get into another area and we're like, oh, thank God. And then, you know, people in the UK, they're just douchebags. And he goes, now we're going to walk through a little bit of water, but there are poisonous fish that live down here. So you have to run like.

crazy. Now, there probably weren't poisonous fish, but we ran like lunatics. We ran through there, and it was so frightening. The entire thing, it just got scarier and scarier. Then there was a part where we were nose to tail with each other, on our bellies. And there was a guy who was a little hefty. Oh, no. And there's cave wall. above you right next to you and you're you're on your tummy on a cave wall and he's like in the 80s we'd call that a fatty and he he started to hyperventilate and this Welsh guy in his crazy crazy accent is telling him just don't breathe as much oh because when you hyperventilate your ribs expand oh god you would have hurt your ribs for sure I would have hurt my ribs and and so he's like just

shallow breathing but when you're doing shallow breathing you're telling you're telling you your brain also, there's a problem. Right. You know? Yeah. And he was right in front of me. You're spinning. Now you're like, don't panic.

Don't panic. Don't panic. But so why I'm going to panic? And it just, get me out of the hole. Yeah. And I had to like, I was like rubbing his leg. I was like, you're doing great. You can do it.

Meanwhile, I'm looking down. We're like going through like like bunnies. We're going through like little bunny rabbits. Like little bones. Yeah. And so I'm looking down behind me and I see all the people's heads and headlights like staring at me like, are you guys going to go? I got it.

So he froze? He's not going. He froze. He was right in front of me. He's a big clog in the pipe. That's right. And I start rubbing his legs. Oh, my God.

This is where my gypsy came out. And I'm telling him, you're doing great. And I said, hey, you know what? You're taking a little break. That's okay. Don't listen to them. I know they're crying and people are losing and asking for their moms. But don't listen to the people.

I know you don't. You're. We're a very fun comedian, but you don't normally do impressions. No. Can I ask you to do an impression of what he was doing while you're saying? Oh. Like that? Yeah.

Moaning. No. Mowing. Mowing. Mowing. Mowing. This big dude. Massive.

Crying? Is he crying? Is he crying? Probably 6.5. 6.5. Yes. Massive dude. And he was from Wales.

He was a local. He would think they, you know, they would have some nuts. com. Oh my. You know, but I had to like, just come on him down. So then he starts to go. He starts to inch forward. Yeah.

Oh, my God. That. What really breaks my heart is I could see myself becoming that guy. Sure. I don't get, I think we talked about this. I don't get claustrophobic a lot, but I've had a couple moments where it did come over me. And one time I was in this tiny little sports car and they closed, they strap you in. And then they close the thing.

And you're like, hi. And one time I was in a small commuter flight and the door wouldn't open. And it was one of those where like businessmen have to like literally squat to get on the plane. No, see, I can't. I freak out in the third row of a minivan. You do. That happened to me too. You can't get out.

You can't get out. And there's no window. That happened to me where friends were taking us to the Hollywood Bowl. And we're going to see a little concert with us, our friends who are hosting, and another couple. and we're going to get in the other couple's car. And so Tom and Cynthia, you go into the back row and we're going to be in traffic for the next hour. And I'm in the thing and everyone else starts getting in.

And I just literally, these are new people, they don't know them. You're trying to make a good impression. You're going to get to know you. I can't. I can't. I'm coming forward. Coming through. What?

Tom? No, I'm coming forward. And I'm lying on top of everybody. And I'm like kicking people in the face. And I get, I'm like, I have to be in the front seat or I'm not going. Sorry. I can't handle it. I really was like.

Because then you're like, a little air, please, can you turn the AC? Oh, yeah. And then they get, oh, music first. Or ha, ha, ha, they have their own little private jokes in the front. And you're like, I need air. I went to Hebrew Academy when I was a kid. And it was not anywhere close to my house. But they had this 15 passenger shuttle van that they,

they would go around picking kids up in San Francisco. To bring you to school. To bring us to Hebrew Academy. I was probably, it was 5, 6, 7, 5, 6, 7. A little bug. And there were no seats left by the time they got to me. I sat on the wheel well in the back. And I think it traumatized me.

Yeah. Because you just bounced around here, that feeling of like I can't escape anywhere. If anything goes wrong, and this is kind of logical, you have to really just kind of block it out. It's logical. If there's trouble, I'm in the ass end of this. I'm in trouble. Right. Can't do it. Can't do it. So no spulunking for you. No spulunking. Yeah. If there's spulunking, anything that says adventure in the brochure. No hot air balloon. If the concierge is like, you're going on this adventure. No, I did hot air. Actually, I did not have a prize. In Africa, I took my family and we did a hot air balloon.

It was fun. It was magical. Again, stupid. Could be because you can't steer a hot air balloon. And we ended up off course in the plains of Africa and ended up in this village. No. Where they had not seen people like us. No.

Are you pitching me a movie right now? And they all had, each person from the village had their own pack of dogs. So there were like 50 dogs. had they had sticks and dogs and they're looking at us and i was trying to be cool like hey this is no reason to freak out here and then the driver who comes to pick you up when your balloon eventually lands who is african and he showed up and he had a extreme look of urgency on his face like okay get in the bin get in the bin and he got us in the van and like went over like trees and stuff to get us out of there very quickly.

Holy shit. And you had your kids with you? Yeah. And my kids with us. My kids actually got us through about 15 minutes of it because they broke out their iPhone and they were like, oh, what is it? She took a picture of them and then they were like, they thought maybe we were magical. Tanzania.

Or if you're European, you say Tanzania. Oh. And if you're Italian, you say. Tanzania. So it was beautiful and fun activity. That'll be cool. Dumb. Again, dumb.

You end up in a situation where I don't know, but I, from the way the guide was acting, he was afraid they were going to eat us. Yeah. Oh, my God. That would terrify me. Again, I would be worried, like, what have I put my kids through? You know what I mean? Yeah, that's where we're different.

And I'm really thinking about myself. Yeah, I got you. We were at Chichenica in Cancun. Bless you. And we took the freeway out there, easy. And on the way back, my husband, who likes to pretend that he's Latino, he is. But he's not really.

He starts talking to this guy, a local guy, in Spanish, to see if we're on the right. You know, going the right way to get back on that freeway to go back to our hotel. And the guy sent us a whole different way. Oh. And it took us twice as long because we went through every single village with kids that chase your car. Like, they don't see cars. Like, that's how rare.

And there are massive. I'm not exaggerating. Like, as big as your head, tarantulas in the road. Oh, my God. Massive. And everyone's burning their trash. So you just are driving through an apocalypse with just kids begging for food. And then we have to stop because there are these tarantulas.

Yeah. And then speed bumps. Like every little village had these. And then just fires surrounding you. And I go, Michael, what did that do to the gas station say? And he goes, hi, you know I don't speak Spanish. Why did you start interacting with him? I don't know.

I just wanted to. Your husband was behind the wheel? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, he was driving. Oh, my God. And, like, felt bad. He didn't want to run over a child, which I understand, but also, but if this child wants to murder us, we might have to run over a couple of kids.

We might have to. They're jumping on the Jeep. Thankfully, there's no police. And our Jeep didn't have doors. Oh, my God. It was just an open, vulnerable Jeep. Let me tell you something. The Spelunking story, the paddleboard story, the.

the apocalypse safari story. None of these happen at the lounge chair at the pool while you're waiting for room service to bring you $50 nachos. I'm with you. I think you can do both. Don't you want to go see an ancient ruin? Yeah. I'll take a little hike. There you go.

You're walking. An ancient ruin. An ancient ruin. An ancient ruin. Snaps some pictures. Hike. I'm with you. I'll do that.

I'll even kayak in a mellow environment. Yeah. Like a little paddle. That seems okay. Two, three days at the pool or on the beach. Great. But after that, come on. Yeah.

Go rent a Jeep without doors. Anytime you think of something and you think what's the bad thing that can happen. It could happen. Your ziplining thing, we don't have really good internet here. Next time, I'll tell you the internet story. Of the, of the, of the, I think, yeah, like the, I think a kid went out, got stuck. And then the other guy had to come, and like a bunch of them came, and then they all fell.

Oh, Jesus. Yeah. The zip line just. I think so. Oh, my God. All right. And anytime you go in the water now, Great.

It seems that the whales and the alligators have figured out that they don't have to chase after those wily sea otters and those little scamps. If you just go where the humans are, you can get a lot of meat without much struggle. And the whales and the alligators are eating us now. Well, whales are not. Yeah. Whales? There was an Instagram video of a whale that ate a person. and spit him back out, and the guy was okay.

Like Pinocchio. Come on. I swear. Joey, we've got to increase our internet speed. Everything is dangerous. We've got to call this up not just for Kira, but for the, because I'm really good with news blurbs. It sounds like you're looking for,

how do people die on vacation so that you can use that as a way not to do anything? Stories just come at you. You're manifesting them. You're manifesting them into your life. The whales are starting to hang out where the people are because they can eat them rather than the sea otters. I don't think whales eat people though. There's a whale that's actually called a killer whale.

Okay. And it's because it kills people and eats them. No. It will drag you to the bottom of a pool at SeaWorld. They're not called the... Let's go on a ride whale. Aren't I adorable whale? They're called a killer whale.

But, okay, but certain whales can't actually eat us. The ones who have no teeth? They eat krill. Yes, like a blue whale. Right. A sperm whale. Right. But they just gum things. Yeah.

They just let krill kind of pass through. Can you imagine if that's how we ate as humans? Just walk through. We just sit there and just walk through food. Like being at a couple. Costco with all the samples. Just a cherry cake. There's also the killer whales this summer are showing up where people go on tours and their little boats.

And they're done with it. And they're ramming the boats now. Another activity. Okay, I will say this. When we went to Chechnica. Bless you. Which is a, it's a pyramid with the stairs, you know, that you go up. That's cool.

Before we left. there was this weirdo-shmurdo concierge at our, at our hotel who was like, hey, just be careful. Because sometimes, you know, last week, there was a couple of the top of Chechnica, and they were like, we made it. And then they knock this woman down when they said, we made it. And she just went clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, cling, cling, cling, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. Down the entire pyramid. Because there's nothing to grab onto. There's nothing to stop you.

because the steps are too shallow. It's too, you know what I mean? Like, she just went down. I feel like you would have been able to stop yourself. Well, it scared the hell out of me. So I, and Mike to this day does not let me live this down. There's a rope that you can hold on to. And I went down with the rope the entire way down.

And they were like, you know, 80-year-old grandma's just like walking down normally, like, I'm sitting there feeling the step behind me with my foot before I take, before I, God forbid, I was like, there's no way some crazy tourists from Germany is going to knock me down. So, okay, so this is the end of the, go see a ruin day. And you started off by saying, what about a ruin? Yes, because we already rented the Jeep without doors. Yeah, but I didn't. I haven't done it yet.

I know. When my wife says, let's go do the thing. Just be careful. I'm just letting you know. Don't, you know, stay away from German tourists. This is similar to the billionaire submarine story. He wanted to go see the Titanic, and he got in a submarine and didn't come back, right? Mm-hmm.

He could have gone on YouTube and looked at the Titanic. All of this can be done on YouTube. Right? All of it. All of life. I want to see those ruins in Chichen Itza? Yeah. I guarantee you, if we had better Wi-Fi here, I could be looking at it right now.

Yeah. You don't have to leave ever. You really don't. You don't have to go anywhere. The thing with the submarine people is, um, why, why, first of all, why that much money? The minute something costs that much money and it's not a house. Uh-huh. Even if you're a multi-millionaire, right?

Yeah. That just, that already, you're not going to make any good choices. That's way too much money. For an activity. Way too much. What was it? It was like a... It was a quarter of a million dollars.

Quarter of a million dollars to go do something. But one guy went with his son, so it was half a million for him. Right. Half a million dollars. Like, buy, I would even be like, buy a crazy car that's half a thing. Isn't that the whole luxury culture? It's like you can have a knock off Louis Vuitton bag on Canal Street for $25 that 90% of the people will think is a real Louis Vuitton bag. Or you could spend $3,000 on the Louis Vuitton bag.

And it's like if you price it, the richy riches want it more. You know what I mean? Not everyone can afford a half a million dollar sub thing. Yeah. So I feel good about doing it. Right. And those people, like, I just wouldn't trust them with anything. Nothing.

It's bad judgment. Because look at your choices you're making. Yeah. Like, give that, buy some books for the school in your town. Yes. Right? How about that? When I see people spend thousands on shoes, shoes, you're going to go walk through the excrement of a city.

Right. Literally. And you're, I mean, yeah. Why? Right. Why? I don't know. I can't take it.

I can't stand it. No. Like that excess. That, that, they had told the sub guys, hey, we don't really know if this is going to work. Well, they had all the warnings here. Yeah. For sure. So all.

And you could have end. And I know this has been talked over to death, but there was like that one little porthole and it's like, or YouTube, an airplayed on your big screen. and you can be at the Titanic. And what if that sub ended up in some African village where they all have dogs? That swim underwater? Right? They just, it comes up and it's in Tanzania.

Tanzania. Kira. Yes, sir. Sometimes, when we're on the road together, we love going for coffee. And we also love a nice little snack. We love a little snack. and we're not people who you, which this is a larger question which we'll get into after this, but you don't even eat bread or sugar or much food at all.

I just have people regurgitate into my mouth. That's how I get my. If you want to live like Kira, which is way too extreme, or if you want to live like myself, which is healthy but enjoying himself once in a while, while with some gummy bears dipped in chocolate. Nuts.com has you covered. Do you like cashews, gummy bears, olives? What about popcorn, saltwater taffy?

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pantry staples like specialty flowers and more. Their wide selection means there is something for everyone. I literally, I have this drawer or I keep all the snacks, and I try and keep healthy things in there. I'm trying to, like, not go too chippy. I'm trying to like, just real foods. Yeah. So sunflower seeds, some dried fruit, some mixed trail mix, and all those containers are now very low.

And I'm starting to panic. Do they have dark chocolate covered espresso? Yes, they do. Okay. That's all about it. You would do that? Yeah. You can have dark chocolate?

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The things are really reasonably priced. When you get $29 or more, you're going to be stocked up with a free gift and free shipping. shipping. That's nuts.com slash Papa. So you are now a part of the breaking bread family. Do we have a problem that you don't eat bread? I love bread. I'm not saying I will never eat it again in my life.

But right now I'm not eating it. Okay. But it doesn't mean I don't like breaking bread, which is not, that doesn't mean just eating. You're breaking bread. You're hanging out. It's ceremonial. You're communing with people.

While we commune, and I was thinking about this today, I was like, what should I bring? Because I want a host, and I want us to enjoy ourselves. It's not great to always chew on the mic. People get angry at that sometimes. Yeah. But if I were to bring something, what would you enjoy? A steak.

Mm-hmm. All right. That's it. Is that what you're eating now? Just pure steak? I mean, I do eat steak, yes, but I eat other things too. Like what? Ground beef.

What did you have last night for dinner? We had steak last night. We did. Anything on the side? Sometimes. An avocado or a cucumber. Right? Yeah.

Some of the finest steakhouses in America, you go and they say, You order a steak and they say, and how would you like your cucumber? Just a little bit of salt. I actually do make meat really good right now. Really? I know how to do a nice piece of meat. Really? Okay, so how did you do it last night?

Well, last night Mike did it. My husband did it, but I get flanken ribs. I've ever gotten flanking style. Al Flankenriss? Yes, Al Franken. They're very left-leaning. And they are really thin-cut. And just the way.

Like a flank steak. Flank, okay. I don't know. Okay. I don't know. And what you all right? Flankenstile. Flank and style.

That's what they call them. I don't know why. That sounds like a cute Trader Joe's play on Halloween. Yes, exactly. Flank and style. So, but just I do it in the oven. In the oven. In the oven.

And just 10 minutes on each side, salt pepper, garlic. Mm-hmm. And that's it. Really? Oh my God. You're not a griller? I will. I can grill.

I like to grill too. Okay. But yeah. I'm going to embarrass Joey now. We also call him Abraham Lincoln. Yeah. Joey, you and I, I'm, you know, Joey and I work together. He's a budding comedian.

I'm trying to show him the ropes. Yeah. And he, I brought him to a fancy steakhouse in Cincinnati. Addie. They have a great steakhouse there called Jack Ruby, and I didn't even realize. I think I was a martini in, so I didn't really clock this. Joey, tell Kira the weight of the steak that you ordered that night. It was a whopping four ounces.

I had four ounces at the red light while I was looking for parking. Four ounces. Four ounces. Wow, what a big boy. And did you? Did you finish all four or did you take some to go? Mm-hmm. Yeah, no, I finished it all.

Yeah. Why did he order? Was, did you even, a budget? I didn't even know that was, I didn't even know it was an offer. No, I mean, he was, you know. You like when you tell your kids, you could order just from this side of the menu. I don't think, he wasn't doing it to try and be nice to the travel budget. He was just, this is, who, I don't know if I can eat all of this.

I think he wrapped up half of him brought it to his room. No. No. Yeah. No, Joseph. Yeah. No. It was not with the mac and cheese.

Oh, so it was the kid's menu. Yeah, that sounds like a kid-sized steak. Yeah. All right, so, so, and look, I'm not, I'm just, I'm just trying to learn. So if you're not eating steak, do you eat anything in between meals ever? No. Never. No snacking.

No snacking at all. No. Once in a while, a little treat or something. Sure, but it's not like a normal thing. But it's not a normal day. I'm not hungry. You're not hungry. What do you have for breakfast? Three poached eggs.

Three poached eggs. Yeah. Which I'm also doing. Not on toast. No. No dipping that poached egg when it cracks. No. Right?

You mean the yolk? Yeah. Oh, I dip bacon in it. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Yeah, you got to dip something in it. Yeah, yeah, for sure. So you're making bacon?

Uh-huh. And then you're making the poached eggs. Yeah, and I have my coffee. And coffee. Yep. That's a good breakfast. It's a great breakfast. It really is.

Yeah. And then I'll make some egg muffins. Uh-huh. So I'll throw some panchetta and some mozzarella and some eggs and put them like, you know, and then I throw them a little muffin tin and some green onions or whatever, some spices and throw it on top and bake those. Oh. So instead of going to Starbucks, you know, have those little egg things at Starbucks. Yeah.

Yeah. So it comes out as a little... It's a little muffin. Like a little frittata. Put some hot sauce on top? Ooh. Is that one satisfying? No, seven.

We have the mini ones. They're mini. Oh, they're mini. So my kids will eat them. Oh, that's good. But you know, I also found a menu, I mean a recipe, sorry. You can add it and make it like a real muffin, like add coconut flour to it and baking soda and like make like a real. Like a muffin-y muffin muffin.

Coconut flour is okay. No, I would make that for my kids. I wouldn't have that. But you wouldn't have that. No, no. But yeah, egg, I'll make little egg muffins. Should we, if we continue doing this together. What do you mean if?

I told you, I live here now. Should we change the name to boo bread? Boo bread? What's boo bread? Boo bread. Oh, boo. I thought you were saying boobs bread. I was like, boob bread.

No, no. So, oh, man. And your husband's okay with this? Yeah. He doesn't. Has he lost weight since you took him off bread? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. How much? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, like 25 pounds. Whoa. Yeah. For real? For real zes.

But it's not for everyone. That's why I don't even talk about it. I don't even tell people. Because people can tell like, you look different. I'm like, yeah, you know why? Because I'm, first of all, not doubled over in pain. I was in so much pain. I would have a banana, and I would be in a,

corner just rocking myself like it was awful really didn't matter what I had a salad chicken breast like I ate healthy we were on the road yeah we eat healthy for years and you've seen I eat healthy I'll just have yeah salads and but um I was doubled over constantly really I know she so I did this more for medical reasons and how long did it take you to realize what was the thing that was causing the pain I had a blow in a tube I had a blow in a tube for four hours What? I had to go to my doctor's office. He gave me a test for SIBO.

For SIBO. And you sit there and you, do you remember when your wife was pregnant and she had a drink this disgusting, like, basically, it's basically just pure sugar. Yeah. To see if she had gestational diabetes. I don't remember that. It was the same thing. It was just like pure, like it came out like molasses. It was orange.

It was disgusting. And then, so that raises your, spikes your insulin to see what your body does, right? Yeah. So I'm breathing into this tube. for four hours. Oh my God. You have to, and then write down the time.

Literally four hours? Four hours? You stayed there for four hours? I did it at home. So at home you sit on the couch? Sat there for four hours and I had to mark the time. And then you seal the tube up quickly and you put it in a envelope. You get a new tube and you breathe into it.

I know. I was like, you guys trust me with this. And what did that tell you? So then when they got the results, they were like, oh, your good bacteria is great. It is perfect exactly where it's supposed to be. Right.

Because it measures your gut microbiome. And your bad bacteria is frightening. Like, how are you alive? Really? So you've competing good and bad bacteria. But the bad was winning. The bad was winning. The bad was beating up the good.

And the bad lives off of sugar. Sugar. Yeah. Got it. Yeah. And now in theory, you've starved that bacteria out. Correct. It's always present, but now the good guys are winning.

So, like, if I have a couple dark chocolate covered, you know, espresso beans, which I would love, right? A couple, I'm fine. If I have, I couldn't have just a couple before. Right. I'd be like, why not six or 600? You know, I would never know when, because they're delicious, right? Then it would come back up. Yeah.

Wow. I would feel it instantly. Instantly? Instantly. Even at this point? Like now that it's been defeated and is now in my brain a little tiny worm in the corner of the cave. Like blueberries. I can have blueberries.

They're very low in sugar. Yeah. But I used to eat the entire box. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah. I love. And I thought I was being healthy. Yeah.

They're blueberries. I would sit there and just snack on blueberries. Right. So that's why I can have a few, have a couple of things. strawberries very low in sugar by the way if anyone's concerned yeah raspberry strawberry strawberry all the berries blackberries they're okay yeah lowest in sugar lowest in sugar popcorn no salt i mean i can have a couple sure but right i just feel so much better when i don't i'm not saying i don't ever have these things you had these uh poached egg concoctions

uh and you had that in the morning yeah and you won't eat again again again you won't eat again until? Well, I haven't eaten since breakfast. Mm-hmm. But I'll grab, you know. What? Something. I don't know.

Or I'll just wait for dinner. When you're out in the wild, though. Yeah. That's hard. It's hard. Yeah. Jerky? Yeah.

Right? Yeah. Anything that's meat. Anything that just doesn't have sugar. String cheese, you know. Anything that doesn't have sugar. Just limit. I mean.

Right. You can't go crazy. to still live. Yeah. But like, you know, like those little prosciutto-wrapped string cheeses. Right. Love those. Those are good.

Just pop into Whole Foods, grab a couple if I'm hungry. Right. Tonight I'm making my chicken wings, my famous chicken wings for the family. Yeah. I make an amazing. Yeah. They get crispy. Buffalo sauce?

I will make some. Yeah, I'll eat hot sauce. Yeah. All right. That's good. Yeah, I'm not completely crazy. Right. But nothing on the side of those wings.

like what like a ranch like uh french fry no absolutely what's last time you had a french fry yeah a year ago so this september it's a year it's a year is it really yes wow yeah and you don't feel like you've dialed in you feel good amazing feel amazing that's the thing that's how you know you're on the right track right because if you're constantly looking at people's plates like yeah god i wish i could have a double-sum stuff baked potato, then you're probably not doing the right thing for yourself because you're actually depriving and I feel nothing. We just had a party for my eight-year-old.

Yeah. Nothing but cakes. Right. They're amazing. Have you ever had them? Yeah, they're great. Oh, God, the frosting on top. Yeah.

Oh. But you won't. You know, they offer double frosting. You know, you could pay a little extra and they just, they will. And you won't, though. I don't feel anything. Man, oh, man. I feel.

zero. Amazing. And it feels good. I don't want to have that feeling. Because then psychologically, now you're like feeling bad about yourself. The only thing I feel bad about, honestly, is talking about it. Because people are like, you psycho. Oh, yeah.

It is psychotic. I know. I know. It is. I get it. And it seems like, I've never spoken to someone who's done this kind of a thing and doesn't feel great. I feel beyond great.

I have spoken to a lot of people who at some point can't keep it up. Yes. But that's because, and I don't know, for sure, I'm guessing, they're not fully doing it. And so whatever, if it was like a medical reason, whatever medical reason is not resolved, Right. And so it's like, well, I still feel crappy and I'm not eating pizza. Yeah, right. Why am I doing this?

But my medical thing resolved quickly. And when I felt different, I was like, oh, you don't have to be doubled over in pain every time you eat? Right. My entire life. God. I just thought that was normal. My wife is the same way. She seems actually better recently.

I don't know what she's been up to. But she's sneaking a steak in. No. I know. I mean, she's not. She, yeah, she's not. She's a veggie, but she, a pesky. But she, yeah, I mean, sometimes when she'd be anemic, her levels would be like that low.

I was anemic too on top of that. You were. Yes. And it was like, I know you have a real sound reason for not eating this stuff. But one plate of liver. and you're done. She can take liver pills. I know.

Yeah. She's been able to resolve it. But in my mind where I don't really have that moral quandary. Yes. Am I going to gross? If it's me or whatever else, I'm going to think about me first. Oh, we know you think about you first. Hot air balloon, Tom.

Hey, I'm thinking about letting you park in my spot. I appreciate you even entertaining the idea. Right. Bone broth. Will she eat? I mean, no, I know that comes from a little word of...

If you can call it something different, so she doesn't know it's bone broth. Maybe. Maybe chicken giggles. Mixed chickens seem like they're happy, like they're laughing. Dandelion giggles? Oh, dandelions, even better.

Dandelion is great, but bone broth is so good for you. You got... Was that part of the COVID kit? It did give you some. Yeah. Yeah. I was expecting to feel like amazing after it,

I didn't. You had COVID. Are you, am I okay, microdosing mushrooms? I'm the wrong person to ask. The absolute wrong person. What? Mushrooms are actually really great for your gut biome. They're great.

Mushroom is neither a plant or an animal. Yeah, it's its own fungi. I just, I'm so square. I know, but you don't get high on it. I know, but I'm so square. Right. When it comes to that, that's the only Mormon part of me. Right.

Like I just I got once way too high And I got my mom way too high Did I type of story? Right, I remember that And I just can't ever again in my life Yeah, no, I get it Yeah, you do feel a little glimmer

Of a little rush of something And at some point, it's not high But you definitely And then you just kind of Are just kind of humming along Like a regular day with A little more clarity And a little less stress

Is what I'm going to I'm finding. It's an experiment. I support people who do it. You do? I'm just a real, like, nerd. Yeah. It comes to that.

Right. You went over to Ben Glebe's party other day. And, I mean, it was just a cornucopia of whatever, you know. Drugs. And I'm not going to say that. This is going out into the Internet. But, you know, it's what, you know, everyone is responsible. Uh-huh.

But I just. I was like, sorry, no. Oh, thanks. Oh, you're so sweet to share. Oh, I appreciate it. Like, everyone's like, Kia. Like, here, do you want to do this? Do you want to wrap this around?

Do you want to wrap, blah, do you want to say? It goes in your butt, you know, and I'm just like, thanks, guys. I'll be over here not eating the cake. I know, nothing. I brought, like, I did bring food, and it was just meat. That you could eat. That I could eat. Well, amazing.

Well, this was a good episode because we covered activities. We covered things in the sea that want to kill us. I'm 100% on board, but yeah. I know. Well, I'm going to bring you evidence next time. Please. When we do the next one, I'm going to bring you the whale evidence. And I didn't even give you examples or stories or antidotes about what the alligators are up to.

Oh, the alligators will drive. A bag a baby into the water and devour it. Yeah, no, terrible. But I don't know if I'm on board with whales. They're eating all the old people in Florida. Oh, Jesus. They just wait for them to walk their dogs past a little creek by a golf course. And yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Yeah, they're douchebags. Yeah, I'm on board with that. Well, who are the old people are the out of years. They deserve each other. Yeah, and we clarified how we're going to proceed. So if I bring, if we are breaking bread together, as during the episodes, I'll bring you some, maybe some cheese cubes. Perfect. And some pepperoni.

I would love it. Salted meats, okay? Salami? Yeah. Salton meats are all right? Absolutely. All right. This is very exciting.

Joey, sorry to throw you under the bus with the four-ounce steak, but it's... Sorry, Joey, but... No, I get it. It's okay. Yeah. It was pretty... unacceptable of me. Well, it was just surprising.

I mean, I might have to call him four ounce from now on. That would be pretty great. I might have to be my nickname. Because I'm trying to call him Abraham Lincoln, but it's a mouthful. It's a lot. It's a lot. Abe Lincoln? What about Abe Lincoln? What about four ounce?

Four ounce, for sure. So we're going to go on tour together. Just call four ounces. He'll tell you what the hotel is. Perfect. You having a problem with your plane ticket? Four ounce will get it handled. Yeah.

I think it works. I think it works. This is very exciting. All right. Thank you so much, Kira. Thank you to Nuts.com. Oh, I have a big show coming up in Las Vegas on Labor Day weekend on September 2nd. Everybody's got to come.

And if you don't make somebody in your life go to it. All my tour dates are available on Tompapa.com. We're all in this together. So make some room. If you can continue to make comments, even if you have to open new accounts and give different reviews. You know how the internet works. Anything you want to plug?

I'll be in Alameda, the second weekend of August. Spelunking? Yes, I'll be Spelunking in Alameda. At the Alameda Comedy Club. All right, beautiful. We'll see you next time.