Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 168 - Fat Dad on a Horse

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

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That sounded like you had bread in your mouth while you said it. Maybe I did. I did bake two loaves last night. Oh, that's a euphemism for something else. Thank you all for being here. We're very excited to welcome you to the table. We have, we're going to have a swell time. We have a lot to cover today.

And Kira's got to drive to a gig in San Francisco. So let's not waste any time. Do you listen to a podcast when you do it? I do. Breaking bread? All the time. Yes. We'd like to thank our sponsor today.

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More on those good people in a little bit. We also are sponsored by an amazing show coming up at the win in Las Vegas on September 2nd. I think it's, I think the people that are performing, if I can recall, it's Kiris Altanovic and Tom Papa. Great lineup. At the win on Labor Day weekend. That's a fun show. It's going to be a really fun show.

So come see that. Also, my book, we're all on this together, so make some room, is still rock and rolling. We're going to sell books in Anaheim, Joey. Are you coming to Anaheim for the big show? I'll be there, yeah. Yeah? Are you going to be helpful? I'll try to be helpful.

Okay, great. We also like to thank our good buddy, Eric, who you guys are not going to meet. He's not on microphone, but he's a good pal of mine, and he's a cameraman extraordinaire. And he's helped me out on my radio show before. And he's here, and he's high, and it's early. Oh, that's good. That's good to know. Yeah.

Yeah. I like to know what people's bass is. Yeah. This is his morning base. Yeah. Yeah, he said like F stop and things like that. I know. And then I was like, wow, this guy really knows his stuff.

Joey was really, uh, I'm a little, we're going to have to make a commitment because we have Joey working the board. But he's also known to our listeners by his nickname Abraham Lincoln. Sure. And then after we had the kerfuffle in the steakhouse, he's also known as four ounce. Four ounce. Because he's the only person to have ever ordered a four ounce steak in a steakhouse. I didn't even know they sold them that small. I didn't either.

Not that size matters, Joseph. Yeah, Joseph definitely doesn't work. Joseph doesn't work? No. I like Joseph. I don't like Joseph. Why not? You do?

Yeah, because it's formal. You know, this is a professional setting? Joseph. Right? Four ounce. Four ounce is better. Abraham Lincoln. Not great.

Not a fan. Abraham Lincoln doesn't really stick. It's a mouthful. But I just love the idea of, having an assistant who people out in the world when they interact with Tompapa, Inc. They have to write Abraham Lincoln or call for Abraham Lincoln. That's a weird thing to me. Why does that excite you?

I don't understand. Like, I get very excited thinking somebody has to call Joey Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, it's just funny to me. All right, but it's not worth. We've tried it for a bit and it's not. I still think, you know, we give him a nickname that highlights an accomplishment. That way it's not mean. Well, Abraham Lincoln is a great man.

Yes, who was shot in the head. Well? Well, there's always ne'er-do-wells out there. Yeah, but I'm just saying like something that he did really great. Like we call him, you know, F-stop. You know, things that like he could do that would make him- another one in. Feel good.

He didn't even know what F-Stop was. That's what I'm... Joey's been trying to get our cameras right for a while now. And God bless him. He's a comedian. He's a podcast producer. He's a assistant. He does it all.

One thing he does not know is any part of a camera. When Eric was asking for F-stop, Joey, he's literally almost threw up. Yeah, I saw it. I saw it in his face. So that would be bad to call him F-stop because it'll make him sweat every time. Okay. but I'm just saying something that highlights. Four ounce is pretty good.

All right. But it's derogatory. I mean, it's not an accomplishment. No. By any means. No. How much steak would I have to eat to graduate out of the four ounce name? I like the name.

A 16 ounce. Yeah, 16. I've done 12 already. 16 and not over a year. Work your way up. Okay. Okay. I had a nice 16 ounce last night.

Ooh. Where did you go? Oh, I went to this great place. We went to an Italian place called Basta, with a B, in Agora Hills. It sounds like someone from Jersey trying to say bastard. Yeah, yeah, Bastard. I don't think from Jersey. Maybe Massachusetts.

Or maybe England. Okay, fine. Keep going. I don't like you, you're Basta. Yeah, there you go. That's more Scottish or Irish. Actually, it's a bad idea. It's just Basta.

Okay. And it was a great place run by all Italians, which is what my people are called in Kansas City. Italians. And great. And you got a steak. Stake, pastas, pizzas, wood fire. So good. Here in L.A.

I just said, Agora Hills. Agora Hills. Okay. I'm not listening to most of what he says. You're so worried about leaving for your gig. I just have to go. My car is double parked and left it on. We've got plenty of time.

I left it on. It's running. It's not going to make any difference if we go a half hour later than we wanted to. Okay. Agora Hills. Yeah, yeah. Great place. Yeah.

And there was actually, we performed in Thousand Oaks, right? Yeah. That's a nice thing. I was waiting to go in and somebody recognized me and was saying that they're coming to my show in Thousand Oaks, like in the fall. And he was going off about this place. How great is he's actually getting married there this weekend. And then he went too far and made me go meet his fiancé. I just wanted to wash my hands.

Very nice people. So good luck to you guys. I hope you're still together come Thousand Oaks time. But pasta, so good. And my family's all veggie. I am not. So I went with the 16thouse. And I said to them when I was ordering, what if I had a fourth of this?

And they said, what do you mean? And I said, what if I just want four ounces of this meat? And they said, lean in. And I leaned in. And he slapped me right in the face. He says, we do not do four ounces. What is wrong with you? They're still laughing right now.

They're still laughing. They're still laughing 15 hours later. It just doesn't make sense. Truth be told, I got through probably 12 ounces of it. Okay. And then for the love of my dogs, I said, give me a box. Yeah. I mean, four ounces is like saying just the tip.

It's the same thing. You know, you... And in the guy's mind, it doesn't count. It doesn't count. And also, it's laughable. It is laughable. Because what is that giving you? Yeah.

Nothing. What is it giving anybody? That's nothing. It's a nothing. It's a nothing. Yeah. So. Well, you work your way up, Joey.

I have faith in Joey. The thing is, he weighs four ounces. That's why it's difficult. That's why it's funny. That's why it's difficult. That's why it's funny. To ask him to do, you know. When you came in today and you saw him and you said, hey, four ounce, it really made me happy.

Oh, okay. Well, then let's stick with that. He's literally four ounces. Joe said. Joey, why? Why are we just determining your fate? I don't know. I think I can do this steak thing.

I think I can go all the way up to however much to think. So you think right now you're going to be called four ounce until you eat a. I feel like it can't just be like how much steak does a normal person eat? I eat that. I feel like it has to be beyond that before I evolved to. So whatever amount of meat you eat, we're going to nickname you. So right now you're four ounce. and you will remain four ounce until,

I guess I take him to another steakhouse. You got to take him to Bastas. He's also poor. Until he take you to another steakhouse and you eat more. And then we change your nickname to 8 ounce, 16 ounce, 32 ounce. I want I have the tiger to be playing over this montage of Joey just sitting there and he's training. You know what I mean? He's taking bites and he's chewing and then he like passes out.

of it. You know, he's in a hoodie. They're closing. They're putting all the chairs up on the tables. He's still trying. Yeah, he's running with you like a fork and a steak at the end of it. He's doing, I would love to see that montage. I tell you, after eating that steak last night, I felt great. But you had pasta with it. No, he did not. Oh, good. No. Okay, just a steak. And I was thinking about you the whole time. Thank you. I did not pasta up. I did have one slice of pizza, which was very small, though. Can I tell you, I was thinking about you recently. I was eating a steak.

with a cup of coffee. Which I know. What are you a detective from the 50s? I know. I have caught. Like I will text Tom. I'm eating Indian food with coffee right now. I'll have curry with coffee.

I know. It's weird. I don't care. I can have, it doesn't matter. I know. It's so weird. I love it.

I know. I was like getting coffee this morning and I was like, I should grab extra for Kira, but it's early. There's no way she's not coming out. have coffee. I already had two. And you walked in, you had already. I was going to bring it in here.

Yeah. And I just doused it all over. Yeah. Summertime. Mm-hmm. We're all on fire. Thoughts and prayers are of our friends in Hawaii, by the way. Everything's on fire.

Super hot. Early morning, you can go hot coffee. If you grab a coffee at two in the afternoon in Burbank. Yeah. What's your order? I'll do an ice, but I like a hot coffee. You do ice. Even at 110 degrees.

So do I. I was in Phoenix a few weeks ago and I got a coffee and she was like, that's iced, right? And I said, no, baby. No, mama likes it. I like it hot too. Yeah. So, but you'll go ice once in a while? Sure.

Sure. Just when you don't want to feel like a freak. Right. No, but I want it hot. I know, me too. I heard a new Alfred's is opening up. What's an Alfred's? You don't know Alfred's coffee?

I don't know Alfred's coffee. Oh, it's a good coffee spot. What is it? Eric, you know Alfred's, right? Okay, Eric. Well, he's a hipster who lives in Silver Lake. We can't go to Eric for anything. He's going to know.

He knows Basta, he knows Alfred's, and he knows F stops. It's a good coffee place. Okay. This area where we record does not have great coffee spot. Down, down towards, more towards Sepulveda. I'll share it with you. Yeah. Amazing.

Really? Yes. Do you know the name of it? Yes, I do. May I look it up, please? Go ahead. You got nothing but time. Are we pausing?

What's happening? Commercial break. Let's, uh, it's, um, I personally think it's some of the best coffee on Ventura Boulevard. I said it. I said it. Jeez. You've been there. You've been there.

I have? Yeah. I don't think so. Uh, you've been. I went to a comic book store on Ventura. So I'm trying to get a new, um, hobby because my family is, uh, falling apart. Not falling apart. They're going to college.

and I'm going to need some hobbies for when I get high in the middle of the afternoon. And I've learned a little something about comics. I thought they were all just the same. Just the same way I thought about maybe like what's electronic music? EDM? EDM. It's like it's all the same. Right.

And then you get into it and you're like, no, there's better. Same thing with comics. There's like, oh, no, there's comics that are amazing. and look amazing and it's really funny writing. And then there's other ones that are just garbage. Well, yeah, that's with everything. Yeah, but I thought all comics were garbage. Oh, I see.

Tortino. Never been there. Don't even think it's real. No, no, no, no, for real zees. It's an Italian restaurant that sells coffee in the back. I'm sorry, tortone. Tortoni. Tortoni.

Tortoni. Which is a pasta. Tortoni. Tortoni is on Ventura in Sherman Oaks, my friend. And it is delicious. Okay. Here's what it looks like. You've probably seen it on the street.

Let me see that. Have you been there, Mr. Silver Lake? I know of it, but no. Eric knows of it. He knows of it. Yeah, right. He knows of it. M Street is pretty solid.

It's down the street from there. It's not bad. It's not bad. It's not bad. It's annoying. Everyone's in there camped out. No, no. They've all got rules.

They're all, they're all douchebags. Yeah, I'm with you. Not the people that run it. They're great people. But the clientele, P.U. No, Tortony. Do I say that right? My friend, I went to me.

I meet him at this coffee shop and I go to meet him and I'm on the mile long line and he's set up on his little chair and he couldn't get up to come say hello to me because the soccer moms and hipsters would have taken his chair. Like it's so cutthroat to like have a space that he couldn't even. I'm like, what am I doing here? I have a coffee maker at home. Have you been down to Larchmont lately? I know. Okay. Let me explain to you what's happening.

in Larchmont, okay? We were in Korea town and driving to the valley, so we decided let's stop off in Larchmont, get the kids some ice cream, okay? They have the same salt and straw we have here in Studio City, okay? But then they have some bakery that's come from Bedford-Stuyvesant,

you know, some Brooklyn thing where it's like, it's lemon zest and it's gluten-free, and there's no seafood. What? Like all the, there's no allergy. There's nothing. There's nothing in it. So I thought, oh, this might be interesting. Yeah. Line around the block.

Yeah. Some guy told me he's been there since they opened. And he's waiting. And it's like the best cupcakes. Like people that go crazy for cupcakes. Yeah. I'm sorry. You're lunatics. You're lunatics.

You're lunatics. You have something missing in your life. And they stand in line for their bread. I don't even know what it's called. But there's like people on large, it's like a huge massive cupcake. You walk through like a cupcake door. You know, like it's, it's, it's, Disneyland.

And they're like, there's only one of these in L.A. And it's from New York and but, but, but, but, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there's people waiting in line for salt and straw. There's just lines. I know. There's lines.

Well, Salt and Straw is pretty brilliant with that where they create, it's the same as the laugh factory. They create a line. They hold people, so there's a line. That's right. And then everybody wants to go into the line. And nothing's worth it. There's nothing.

There's no, look, this whole podcast. is built out of our love of the food experience. And there's nothing worth standing in a line like that. There's literally nothing worth. If you're on a first date and this is like what you do, you stand in line, you're getting to know each other anyway, and you're chatting, and there's people sitting and everyone's having their sauerkraut-flavored ice cream from salt and straw,

because those are the flavors, by the way. They'll trick you with like, oh, there's caramel and chocolate. And then they'll have a roast beef, like, Like a roast beef, ice cream with mashed potatoes is the flavor. Yeah. And, you know, and that's okay, but we have two kids with us. Right. Who are sitting there grabbing at their crotch and farting on each other and tattling.

And that's my nickel. And they'll literally find belly button fuzz and fight over it. And I go, I'm not standing in line for you two douchebags. Why are you in that line? You should be in a supermarket getting a gallon of chocolate. strawberry vanilla and going back home. That's it. You shouldn't even be out of the house.

We're trying to be nice to our kids. And that's what happens. You try to do something nice. And then they want to get in line for this cupcake, you know, factory place across the street. There was a line for a cafe. There was a line for. Larchmont is just a line. Just when you get to Larchmont, get in line.

Because my daughters are 21 and 18. Yeah. And they, we, I don't know how it went. We got one, we had one of them, and then we picked up the other one, and they hadn't seen each other in a beat. And I heard my, and they wanted to go to like Dunkin' Donuts or something. I'm like, nope, look at that line. And I heard my daughter say to my other daughter, oh, yeah, dad doesn't stand in lines anymore. And I was like, yeah, well, first, yeah, I don't.

But is this a new thing? Have I just reached an age of crankiness? Yeah. Have I become my father who literally does not even go out of the house in anticipation of a line? Right. Like he doesn't even know if there's a line to wherever he has to go, but he assumes there is so he just doesn't leave anymore. It's a good assumption. I also don't want to be that.

You know what I mean? Right. So am I, my question is, am I, should I stand in some lines? just to keep a youthful joy. You and I travel a lot together and you and I went through TSA Pre and there were three people in front of us

and you and I both were like what the fuck is this? Why does this airport have clear? And then we did, we went into the clear. It was like three people and you and I were, I was writing a letter to the head of LAX. I'm with you.

I do feel like later in life. Yeah. Because you've been there. We've stood in lines already. We've done all the lines. We know the lines. We know how awful this is. And we know it's not worth it.

And I don't, here's my thing that I do now, and I feel like it's old age and getting cranky. I don't want any loud noises. Oh. I don't want any repetition. I don't want any repetition. So I have an eight-year-old who likes to just go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then I start hearing that and I start to just lose my mind. Like smoke is coming out of my ears. And I made a rule a while ago. Nobody follows it. But I said, no more loud noises. I want you to whisper your joy and you're playing. Like, I want you to act like. This is why people should have babies when they're 18.

This, yes. This is my no wire hangers. Like I will lose my shit. I feel like who's the pirate in Peter Pan? That like the ticking of the, thank you. The TikTok, the ticking, the crocodile with the clock. That, I want to kill somebody. If I hear a sound, like that's my version of I don't want to wait in life.

Well, the sound thing, there is a, you start to lose your hearing slightly over time. And you can't, where young people hear multiple levels, it starts to flatten out, and it becomes irritating because you can't, every noise is the noise. So where a young person would hear the little clock during Peter Pan and also hear the music and also hear something else, and it all kind of blends and it's beautiful. And then your ears get crunchy and whatever annoying sound,

that's going to be the dominant thing, banging in your head and that's why I'm there too I can't have like bath if a bathroom fans on forget it oh my god or if you're out in it this is old and shitty but if you're in a nice fun restaurant and you can't hear the people because there's music playing and everyone's yeah talking and stuff you end up not being able to hear because you can't that is the pinnacle of old that's really old and really is like all i have in my head is Colin Quinn you Why? He was the first.

He was, he's a little older. A lot older. He's a little older. So he was dealing with that when we would get together and have meals and stuff. And I was like, oh, no, poor Colin. And now, like, I'm close to having that same thing. Now we get it. Yeah.

Yeah. I just, I told them this morning. Yeah. I said, sit in silence. Mm-hmm. That's it. Just sit. If they make a noise, do you hit them?

No, because the sound of my hand hitting them is also a noise, so it just perpetuates more noise. Okay, but can we separate the noise for a second from the line thing? Because I feel like the line thing is not a physical malady. The line thing is your attitude. I don't think we're wrong, but I also don't want to be old and shitty. Right. No, you've got to stand in line.

Yes. Yeah? You have to. It is part of some things. But not for like some cupcake from Brooklyn. No. No. I'm not doing that.

And this was wrapped around the street. Yeah. And these people are like lunatics in my mind. There's one of the true moments of joy in my life is when I'm online in a coffee shop. And you walk in and there's 20 people in the second line, which is now a mass, waiting for their dumb orders. Yeah. So they just stood in line. And then they said, I want a car.

Carmel something, something latte with a thing, and then they go and they stand and wait again. Yeah. When I walk in and say, one black coffee, please, and they just hand it to me, and I walk past that second line, there is a lightness in my step. It's a power move.

There's an arrogance. Yeah. I feel like, did you dummies even notice what I just did? Did you notice the magic trick that I just achieved? Yeah, I don't have Carmel in my thing, but I have beautiful, beautiful coffee, and you're all morons. 100%. I feel the same. Is it wrong to call them morons as I leave?

Probably. Yeah. Because we have two youngsters here who probably do order the thing. Who four ounce in Eric? You know, something with a, is not a coffee. If it's a, it's not a coffee anymore. You order it a cake in a cup. What size do you think four ounce orders in a coffee shop?

I don't say four ounce. Wait, no, four ounce coffee? No, four is little. No, four is little. That's probably eight. Or is that 16? No, it's that six. It's eight, okay.

Yeah. How sad. Americans are, we don't know anything. You go to Canada and they're like, how many kilos of coffee would you like? I'm like, what? And measuring in milliliter. All right, since we, since I last saw you, I know you were hosting a, I have to host, I want to host. I am hosting.

my wife's birthday party tonight tonight tonight fun did a good thing um we're doing a it's a taco keg party yes i approve right yeah that's fun tacos's out keg stands and then there's no one in this guest list that can do a keg stand my daughter actually tried showed me a picture of her friend trying to do a kegstand it was like 17 and she couldn't hold her little arms up. Really? She just collapsed onto the keg. This is the problem with this generation.

It's because they're all vegetarian. That's why they don't have arm strength or iron in their blood. I ordered Red Solo cups from Costco at one point. And we used six of them and there's 2,000 of them still in my utility closet. So I'm like, I'm going to have a keg party just to get through some more cups. Genius. Yeah. It's going to be a good party.

That's very easy. It's going to be fun. I just have people roll in. Everyone has a laugh that they're drinking out of a keg again. We're all sitting around the keg like we're 17. It'll be great. You are at a stage where you're not having keg parties. You're having parties for children.

Yeah. And that is a level of hell that people don't really understand. You know, let me just start off by saying this. You're out of this phase already in your life. But did you ever come up against the challenge of your daughters making friends at school, at summer camp, at whatever, Girl Scouts, whatever they did? And then you meet the parents and you cannot stand the parents. And you don't know what to do now because the daughters love each other and they want to hang out and they always want to have play dates and they want to go to the beach together. And that means you have to be intimate with these adults that you can't.

not look at even. Well, here's a little tip. When that does happen, you take your child aside, or not even aside, just at dinner, or when you're doing the dishes, or when you're tucking them in at night, and you create awful rumors about that child. You know, McKenzie said you can't do a cartwheel. Yeah, McKenzie said she's better at gymnastics than you are. Well, that feels like a McKenzie thing to say. Totally. And then you make them break up.

That's heartbreaking. It's, it'll make your, okay, so at this party. So that's what I'm saying. I'm torn because I would feel terrible. Yeah. So my eight year old, you've met her, but she's different now. Like she's gotten a little bit older and she's a little bit socially awkward. And so she'll say things to people and she doesn't know how to actually like be a friend sometimes.

You know what I mean? And so I'll introduce her to a little girl and the little girl's like, hi, my name's, you know, Sydney. And my daughter's like, armpit farts and then runs off and then kicks a squirrel. You know what I mean? And then comes back with like a mouth full of dirt. She's a weirdo. She's a weirdo.

And so when she does make a friend, I go, all right, I got to give this a chance. But then the mom was an absolute psycho. Really? And you know those moms that just never stop like asking you questions? Or did you get that shirt? What do you guys vacation? What shoe size do you wear? Are you learned it to penicillin?

Like, oh, God, take a breath. So they come to our house and there's a four-year-old brother. God bless four-year-olds, they don't know anything. No. But he's humping the mom's leg the entire time. Oh, boy. And I don't know if you've ever been subject to watching a kid have a tiny baby orgasm, but it is horrifying, horrifying.

We might, four ounce, we might have to cut this part of. We might have to cut all of this. but listen closely for the people that have not tuned out yet. You don't break eye contact with the mom because the minute you look at the kid humping and making sounds. Oh, geez. I know. Now I feel like I'm part of your scenario here.

So I'm just staring at the mom and I'm trying to find a way out so I don't have to be a part of his very personal private time at a party, hundreds of people. You know what I mean? Like, okay. This was in the middle of. of the party? Middle of the party.

Just, ah, like a four-year-old. And she's sitting cross-legged, and he's just riding her leg. And I have to go, but there's so many questions being fired at me that I don't see an out.

And I just go, oh, okay, I'm so, da-da. And I go, oh, coming, making up, you know, an excuse. And then she's like, oh, by the way, and asks me another list. Now she's, like,

walking across the room with the kids still attached to the leg. I mean, he was, he did not stop the end. entire party. Now listen, I have kids. I know we've talked about this. They do. They find themselves, right? Whatever. But you're allowing this. So that means this is not the first time. There's no way. And this is in public. This is in public. And you're not saying anything. Yeah. This is what's happening. We're letting kids just push the boundaries of decency. I mean, it's not decent if your kid can't do a keg stand. I'm sorry. I blame parenting.

And if your kid is humping, I blame parenting, too. This was my strategy. We never had that exact scenario. I don't know anyone that has. This is very unusual. But I would, a good term, someone taught me to be very direct about stuff at certain points. And if someone has some behavior that you don't like in your house, you say to them, I'm sorry, you have to leave now. No.

Yeah. Come on. Yeah. You would really do that? Yeah. I did it to my parents last time they visited. Did you really? No.

Okay. I have done that. I did that once to my mom. You did? So speaking of spanking, she spanked my three-year-old. My first one. Right. And I went upstairs and I packed her clothes in her luggage and I zipped it up.

And I brought her luggage downstairs and I said, we're going to the airport. Whoa. So I have done that. And did you go? Yeah, I took her. I took her to Burbank and she flew home. Really?

A few days early. Did she protest? She knew. Yeah, she knew. Because it was out of anger. She snapped. You know, he's a three-year-old and there was a coffee table full of stuff and he just took his arm and just all of it onto the floor.

Papers flying and stuff breaking and things spilling. And so she, walloped him. And I didn't think that was appropriate at all. Do you ever spank your kids? No. Yeah, me neither. Now, I will say I've grabbed their wrists nice and hard. You know what I mean? Like a nice firm. Stop humping the neighbor. Stop humping my leg.

But, you know, or I've got, I will say, I have given them a, you know, a listen, look at me. Yeah, but that's different. That's different from a spank. A spanking is a different thing. A spanking is you sit there and you're continuously. You know what I mean? There's no end until whatever poison inside of the adult finally comes out. It's really about the adult. It's totally about the adult. It's about, yeah, it's about temper.

It's about losing it. Rich Scheidner once said something to me that really like, woof, I felt it. And he was spanked a lot as a kid. Yeah. And so was I. Yeah. And he said, I never wanted to spank my kids because I was worried. worried, I wouldn't be able to stop.

Oh. And I go, dude. Because it's like the dumb ape-like reaction. Well, it's because it's what you were raised with. Right. And I go, dude, I feel that. Right. Am I saying that correctly?

Youngster's in the room. What, dude? No. I feel that. I feel that. Right? Like, that's what the kids are saying. Same.

Same girl, same. I'm sorry. I feel that. It's not. No, but they're saying it. That's not trendy. What do you guys have on your t-shirts? I feel that.

You guys have that on your t-shirts. Come on. I feel that. I learned something that Riz, you know what Riz is? Sure. That Riz was started by that guy that started the Union Square riot. Did you know the, you don't know the Union Square thing? No, I didn't know if he started it.

Yeah. I don't know how they're connected. He, you know the Union Square guy who is an influencer. He has a Twitch channel. Oh, the Ryan. A few days ago? He said he was going to give out of PlayStation's. Okay.

And he only brought, like, one, and everybody went crazy. Lost their minds, yeah. Lost their minds. Started beating up Uber drivers and stuff. And he was, now he was facing charges for starting a riot. I didn't realize he started Riz. Joey, do you know what Riz is? I do know what Riz is.

What is it? It's like game or charm. Charms? I don't know what charm is. He's what Riz came from. What? Like what's Riz short for it? Riz is short for, um...

I assumed it was Rizzo. Rizzo from Greece, that's what I assumed. No, am I wrong, guys? Yeah. Dang, I don't know what RIS is. Oh. Yeah, Riz. But apparently this Twitch guy is the one who started it.

And which made me think, we may be going after this podcast in the wrong way. Oh. We, we come in, we do like an hour, we have some fun, we, T's 4 ounce This guy, and I don't know his name It's a Kai Sinat I don't care to know his name He does like marathons on Twitch

Like he would play games And then he would like hang out and like do stuff And he just had his channel And he's got Riz He's got charisma And he stays on it for like Like 24 hours Well

he doesn't have a job it is his job that's his job so he doesn't have making millions making millions so what you're saying is you want us yes to how long yes okay there's a two-hour meter out in front that's my max i think we might have to go just until we can't go any longer i have something called drie which is short for laundry oh laundry and uh

ids which is short for kids and I just shorten all my words ick up which is pick up well you know when I watch your act and I hear you talk on the podcast about your family

I feel like maybe spending more time here would be better better for everybody better for you better for them I told my 12-year-old, he's 12 and a half, I said, I'm going to take you to the doctor because I think you have asthma. Uh-huh.

And he was like, because he wheezes like that about everything I say. I go, I think you might have a medical condition. He's like, like, he's just, I go, what happened to you? Yeah. He was skipping three days ago. I swear to God, he was a kid skipping.

And now he's like, And I go, dude, I'm going to get you an inhaler because you sound like wheezy Joe. And he doesn't get it. I don't know. I love my family. Am I supposed to say that? Is that make everyone feel better? No, all you have to.

I love my family. All you have to say is I can't wait to do this podcast for three hours. Let's do it. Let's do a three hour podcast. I would like to do 24. The next one we do, the next week, we're going to go super long. Oh, Jesus. And we're going to work on our Riz and we're going to see if we can't get a riot in Sherman Oaks.

Oh, what are we giving away? We're giving away bread. But only bring one loaf. If we went online and said, all our baking breadsters turn up, we're giving out bread in Sherman Oaks. There would be one middle-aged guy. Yeah. Possibly. Like, I heard there might be a thing.

And we'd be disappointed because we wanted to start a riot. Because we wanted to start a riot. It didn't happen. Do you want to know about how I ended my day yesterday or how I started my day today? Well, I know about the Basta yesterday. Basta was, yeah. Okay. How did you start your day?

How did I start my day today? In the most horrible of ways. Oh. And I don't, I did it because of you. Oh, great. Because you had an early, we needed to do this early. Oh, put it on me. Because you, uh, wow.

Have kids or whatever you. I don't know what your excuses are. Uh, you know, who wouldn't, uh, have complained? That guy started the riot in Union Square. Uh, so I went for my dentist appointment at 8 a.m. Oh. Oh. Eight a.m. dentist appointment.

And as I was sitting there with metal being killed. jabbed into my gums and very derisive comments from the person doing it saying, do you have a toothbrush? I was like, this is a horrible way to start your day. This is having someone in your mouth. Well. Well. Okay, keep going.

Who doesn't like you. Again, most married people. Keep going. Just a horrible, horrible way to start your day. Just having somebody, she's just going in there and then they do the gum check. You ever have that? Yeah. Where they check your gums.

And they relay the number. And relay the number. And relay the number. And relay the number. Three. Three. Two. Five.

Five. Five. Six. You're really going to have to. You're going into F stops now. Do you have a, what's the, what's the thing that squirts water in your mouth? A water pick. Do you have a water pick?

Do you have a toothbrush? Do you floss? Are you a grown-up? Does your wife make you brush your teeth? She actually had the nerve to ask me, how long do you brush your teeth? Oh my God, shut up. At night, how long do you brush your teeth?

I said, what do you? What? I don't know. And she said, okay, I don't need you to do this. I need you at least once a day. I need you to brush your teeth for two minutes on top and two minutes on the bottom and get your gently with your gums. I'm like, I'm going to stand there for four minutes.

I don't know the answer to your question, how long do I brush my teeth? But I guarantee you it's what you're asking is probably three minutes and 45 seconds longer than I'm doing it. I'm not doing four minutes. No. I know it threw a lot of math at you just now. You did. And I was stuck on two minutes on top, two minutes on bottom.

That's absurd, isn't it? A married sex life is what I was stuck on. That's also a married sex life. You know, they're very patronizing. Yeah. Dentists, very. Yeah. And I get it.

Like, I get why. Because nobody likes them. And so they kind of have, you know, they have a little bit of a chip on their shoulder. They do. Like, you don't want to be here. Well, guess what I don't want to be here either. You know that dark fact, right? Yes.

Yeah. What's the dark fact? They don't have Riz? No. I think the people who commit suicide. Commit the most suicide, doctor. are a dentist. Yeah.

Yeah. I do know that. Yeah. I was traumatized as a kid. I told you this, didn't I? There was a Facebook group started about my pediatric dentist in San Francisco about how awful he was. A group was started and people floods of comments. Oh, no.

For the youngsters in the room, Facebook is a social media. It doesn't matter. Anyway, so everyone was like, everyone was like, he was the worst. He made me cry. He was awful. He told my parents they couldn't come in the room. Like he was literally run out of the city. Wow.

He was so bad. So I... There are some that do deserve it. Let me be clear. My dentist now, after a lifetime of really horrible, shitty dentist, this guy is great. Okay. This dentist is great.

And she's actually kind of adorable. The hygienist who was poking my gums this morning. Yeah. But she really was just lazy in on the end. insults. Just this passive aggressive. Yeah.

Do you grind your teeth a lot? Oh God, I hate when they, yeah. Do you, um. You have a weird jaw. Do you, yeah. Do you eat all sugar? Are you on an all sugar diet? Just so ridiculous.

Do you prepare yourself? What's the matter, Joey? Uh-oh. Oh, no, I just wanted to jump in. Oh, four ounce. Oh, Joseph. Four ounce. Um, um, one of my original, like, stand-up jokes ever was how the dentist, um, asking you if you floss your teeth is like your math teacher, looking at your empty notebook asking if you did the homework.

Right. You know the answer. Like, what are you asking? Yes. That is true. That is the thing. They do know the answer. She knows.

And she gets angrier the more she has to chip at your plaque. Right. She starts off like, great to see you. How are you? Yeah. Da-da-da. And then as she's like in there, like, why am I starting with this animal first? Why is my arm sore at 8 in the morning?

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Yeah. Thank you. Oh my God. Thank you. Why not take a bunch of different things when you can just... Why take a bunch of different things when you can just mix one scoop of powder in water? We have this thing in my pantry of vitamins and supplements and potions.

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Check it out. I legit, legit have added this to my routine. And I don't know if I look great, but I feel better. You do? What do they taste like? It tastes like, good question. It tastes kind of like a... I don't know how to describe it.

Kind of, I don't want to, is it like, kind of gatoradey. Ooh, like electrolytes. Like a more natural gatorade. Ooh, okay, that's a good flavor. You know what I mean?

You feel like it's going into your system. Yeah, yeah. But it has a little bit of a, kind of like fruityish. Not fruity, more, more like a green drink. Oh, okay. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Does that make sense? Yes. Well, green drinks sometimes have like a little apple taste. Yeah, this doesn't. Oh, I look forward to it. Okay, how did I in my day last yesterday? This is off of our conversation the other day about activities.

Oh. As part of my wife's birthday, you know, you were meeting together 23 years, right? So it's like what kind of presents do you get? And my wife, I have to say, it's a pretty master's stroke. do it also with our, with our anniversary, we go someplace. Yeah. And pick a hotel and go somewhere rather than exchange gifts. For her birthday, she had the brilliant idea of go do some activity, do something fun on my

birthday, and still give me gifts. Genius. Yeah, genius. So yesterday, I was on a horse. I was on a horse. It's not okay. It's not okay. I was like, I'm not going to bring a hat because they're going to give me a helmet.

Because I've been on it before they make them look like a hat, but it's a helmet. Like if you see people, there was no helmet. So I'm like, oh, I'm going to die today. I'm going to get thrown off this horse and I'm going to hit my head on a rock because these people don't care. And there was no helmet. And I always, this is the problem. there's a if you go to these stables my daughter loves riding horses she's really good at it she weighs 20 pounds my wife is a thin light individual she can get on it and the horse doesn't even know she's on

my other daughter has kind of the same outlook on riding the horses as i do which is what are we doing And I get put on the dad horse. There is the dad horse at these stables. And the dad horse is the poor son of a bitch that has to lug the fattest, heaviest person in the family. And it is depressed and it is angry and it doesn't want you on its back. It's body's like a you. It's a you. It's literally a saggy-backed, dusty, poor old horse.

And that's what I get to sit on. I saw a picture of myself. It looks like I'm riding the horse outside of a supermarket. You know what I mean? Like I'm this giant thing. And I'm holding. And everything I did apparently was wrong. Everything I did was wrong.

The woman's in the back yelling at me. Dad, arms out like you're pushing a cart. Dad, feet down, heels down. Dad, look up at the thing, Dad. And I'm like, I think I'm doing all the things. And the most upsetting part was, it's kind of like when a dog doesn't like somebody and the dog owner's like,

it must be an asshole because it's got bad energy, the dog doesn't like him. She had the mentality of, if you're just chill and listen to instructions, then the horse knows and responds. It's when we get all. We fight. and we have our own ideas and we're all balled up.

And I'm like, I was trying to be chill. I was trying to be relaxed. But you kept yelling at me that my elbows are in the wrong spot when I know they're in the right spot. And you put me on the dad horse who has Tourette's and is just bobbing his head and trying to eat. And just he wants me off his back. And then she translated into, no, it's you.

Was this your dental hygienist running the horse stable place? That's how I end in my day and then I started my day with the team. Do you even have a horse at home? Do you even know it's two minutes on a horse every morning? I literally when I was in the chair getting the dentist's thing, I was like, this is similar to the horse thing. It's a similar vibe. Yeah.

It's similar. Like, what's your problem? It's like, I'm pretty chill. I mean, maybe I'm more uptight than I think. Well, since we're dusting off old jokes, Joey, I used to have a joke about really opposing horseback riding. Uh-huh. It's rude. To ride the horse?

It's rude. To what? To get on an animal and go take me. It's rude to the horse. Yes. It's rude. I'm sorry. I know that it's a sport and it's cowboys and that's how people get around.

That's how people get around. My grandmother was almost born on a horse. Because that's what they had in 1911. Yeah. You know, like they had a horse to take you to wherever, a doctor. So I get it. It's like I understand the transportation. I understand.

But I still think it's rude. If someone jumped on, what if I jumped on your back? And I was like, take me to Encino. You know, it's just. But what else are they going to do? Well, at least they have a job. No. You know?

They can have a job. They can. What? You know, you just want horses running wild? They can do other. things. When I go to this fancy coffee shop on Venture that you told me about, I don't want horses just running around.

I don't want like a horse block of the entrance. There's a horse at DMV, you know, take your picture. I just, I feel awful for them. And yes, they can sense it. She's right. That dental hygienist horse lady is right. She is right. They can sense it because they gave you a horse that you can feel doesn't want to be there.

No. And that horse, if they do sense it, and I agree they do. Sure. They're like, oh, great, I got another fat asshole. Yes. And then you're going to feel it. And then you're going to. And I'm like, I'm not fat.

And he's like, yes, you are. I'm like, well, you're stupid. And he's like, you're stupid. Yeah. And now we're on the edge of a cliff. My wife said every time she looked back, I just had this look of horror on my face. Where were you guys? It was on the face of it.

Beautiful. Okay. Where was this? My wife and one daughter, and this was for my wife's birth, had a wonderful time. Loved it. And I liked being with them and seeing them happy and doing the thing,

but it hurt. My groin hurts so much right now. Yeah. I'm trying to squeeze this animal's midsection with my thighs. Yeah. Like a thigh master on a hot animal. It was in Malibu. Okay, well, that's beautiful.

Beautiful. We heard lots of stories about how the fires, before the fires, how much nicer it was. Oh, great. You should have been here kind of stories. Oh, there was a time. Yeah. You know, I've been on those where it's like a beautiful view or you're on the side of a mountain. But I always, every time I get the horse that has horrible dietic.

Yeah. And it stops to do its business, and its business sounds horrendous. And then everyone else leaves me. And every time, or just a horse that has bladder issues, or some sort of where they have to stop, and I get it, that's how they do their business. That was. But then everyone leaves. Yeah.

And then the leader goes, just tell them, yeah. And then I'm going 80 miles an hour. Right. And I'm not prepared to go 80 miles an hour. Well, we were not allowed to break formation because we're in these very precarious tiny trails. And you're going to fall off the side of the mountain if you, right? So there's no room. So my wife's horse was that horse, just taking dump after dump and pee after pee, right on my horse's head.

Well, that's another reason why your horse is pissed. I get it. My horse was depressed. It's like, I got, I'm eating. horse shit and this thing's peeing on me again and this guy won't let me eat some berries off the side. It was really it's a lot. It's just not my thing. It's not your thing

and look I am with you 100% because we went once with some friends and one friend didn't know she has a terrible horse allergy and in the middle of our little beautiful trail up the mountains her eyes puff up her whole face she's like and she couldn't breathe. Oh my God.

So we have this emergency. And of course, no one's cell is working. This was actually flip phone times. Oh, my God. So there's no signal. You know what I mean? Like no Kia means no signal. This was no Kia days.

And we're just like, you're going to die. I told her you're dying here. This is where you die. Because what are we going to do? She was like, carry me down. We're like, fuck you. We're not carrying you down the sale. We'll put you back on the horse.

She's like, oh, the horse is trying to kill me. So I just know to all of those activities. My daughter loves it. Your daughter loves it. What are you going to do? But everyone was just criticizing me the whole time. Dad, just relax. Dad, put your arms up.

Dad. And even the dental hygienist horse lady was like, wow, you guys really pile on dad a lot. You gave him the worst horse. It was going off to the glue factory after this. You know, what do you expect? Yeah, it was pretty rough. But they had a great time. Well, good.

And then I got to go to Basta after, which was so great. The only bummer was I was driving. So, like, I would have, after that horse thing, I should have had three martinis. Like, immediately before the salads. Yeah. I'm just, like, milking one glass of wine. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you have two grown daughters who can drive. You don't allow them to drive. Yeah. When you're in the car. I have a nice car. Oh, yeah. I got you. No, they can't drive that car.

They can drive a Tesla. My best friend got her 16-year-old a Tesla. That's your best friend? Yeah. Time to get a new friend. I know. I couldn't believe it. I was like, what?

What the, probably the three, though, which is like 30. Oh, okay. Then it's fine. No, this one was, it had some custom stuff on it. Really? Yeah. there was some pink Tesla thing and she was like, oh, that cost you 20 grand. Oh, geez.

Yeah, she got her, I couldn't believe. I was like, what in the world are you doing? Do you not remember you and I driving at 16 in your VW golf? Right. That we just trashed. We drove on curbs. I mean, it was awful. Yeah, that's what you're supposed to drive.

Yes. I don't, yeah, and I don't want to put the pressure on my children for having to try not to crash the Tesla and then end up kicked out of the family. White interior. White interior for teenage girls with mascara? Yeah, forget it. No, they're doing their makeup in there. I don't know.

Forget it. Well, I'm going to go have a keg party tonight, which is the last chapter of the birthday excursion. But that'll be fun. That's going to be great. And then we in just a couple of weeks will be in Las Vegas. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, this is going to be exciting.

I might sneak off to the Korean spa. Really? while you're there. Maybe. We'll see. Yeah. Maybe. I won't.

I know you won't, but I have a problem. Eat Caesar salads. That's fine. And I will sit and eat bulkogee. What? Anything you want to let the people know where you're going to be performing without me? Without you.

Because we're also going to Tacoma. Sure. And. some other place. San Francisco, San Francisco and Salt Lake City. Yeah. That's going to be a good one.

Yeah. What's the Tacoma one? The Tacoma and Eugene, maybe? Maybe. I don't know. You think I write these things down? Go to Tompapa.com,

all the dates are there. You guys are the best. I feel like we're forgetting something, four ounce. No. You did it? I think we're good. Four-year-old humping.

How did it look? Is this the best we've ever looked? I think it is. It is? Eric did a great job. Eric did a good job? Yeah. Eric set the cameras to not anti-Semitic.

Is there a way to lock these in so Eric doesn't have to do this every time? I'll throw some tape on the floor. Oh, great. All right, Eric, we'll see you next week. Thanks, everybody. See you next time.