Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 171 - Kira Brings Out Some Voodoo

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

Kira helps out Tom with some voodoo.    Thank you to our sponsor AG1! Get a free one year supply of vitamin D and free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase at https://www.drinkag1.com/papa Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Insurance isn't one-size-fits-all, and shopping for it shouldn't feel like squeezing into something that just doesn't fit. That's why drivers have enjoyed progressives' name-your-price tool for years. With the name-your-price tool, you tell them what you want to pay, and they show you options that fit your budget. Enough hunting for discounts, trying to calculate rates, and tinkering with coverages. Maybe you're picking out your very first policy. Or maybe you're just looking for something that works better for you and your family. Either way, they make it simple to see your options. No guesswork, no surprises.

Ready to see how easy and fun shopping for car insurance can be? Visit progressive.com and give the name your price tool a try. Take the stress out of shopping and find coverage that fits your life on your terms. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Hey, it's also a show. Hey! Welcome everybody to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa and my pal Kira Saltonovich.

Why so crackly? I'll tell you why I'm crackily, but we'll save that for the start of the show. Because my voice is a little crackily, and I need a gypsy cure. And you have all the potions. I do. We'd like to thank the good people at AG1. This is the vitamin packs that I take. Oh, boy.

I don't know if you call them vitamin packs. They're not vitamin packs. I'll tell you what they are. AG1 is the daily foundational nutrition supplement that supports whole body health. Take ownership of your health. Every scoop is packed with 75 vitamins, minerals, probiotics, and high quality, whole food-sourced ingredients. I open my refrigerator. I take a scoop out.

I put in this little thing. I shake it. I drink it. I feel great. AG1 can give you major benefits like gut and mood support, boosted energy, and even healthier looking skin, hair, and nails. Try AG1 and get free one-year supply of vitamin D

and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase. Go to drinkag1.com. That's drinkag1.com slash papa. That's drinkag1.com slash papa. Good to see you. You too. I was thinking about you this morning because I woke up and I felt it coming a little bit several days ago. You ever get the little post nasal drip?

Sure. It's not really coming out your nose. Just get a little in the back of your throat. Yeah. Mucasy. Yeah. And it affects your voice. Yes.

You don't really get that. I get it. It's not good as comics. As comics. Because you've got to go yap around. Yeah, and podcast and all the things. Yeah, and I have a corporate gig in Las Vegas tomorrow, and it's a morning thing I've got to do it. So it's early, so I've got to get up early and hydrate, I suppose.

But you are the shaman. Okay. Witch doctor? Yes, that I'll accept. What else do you call yourself? I could be a Russian gypsy. I could be your lady of tonics. Lady of tonics.

I like that. Yeah. You always have the cures. I do. Things that other people can't find. So next time, text me before you know you're going to see me, because I would have brought a satchel full, like a little red riding hood, little basket full.

I know, but you were all kerfuffle this morning. I did. I had a corporate thing myself this morning. You were all running around. You were supposed to be here three hours ago. Not true at all. Then you started texting and causing problems. That is a complete lie. 15 minutes and I gave you a heads up two hours ago.

And then Joey took 15 minutes to get the podcast up and running. I would have brought you some lotions and potions and drips and draps, but it's okay. I can tell you what to do. Okay. The number one thing you should do, first thing in the morning, if you're going to be, you're going to be doing some jokes and skits. You're going to be doing your stuff. Gargle some salt water.

Okay. 100%. You're probably going to be in a fancy hotel. Yes. There will be a, you know, a kettly type of thing. A kettle situation or room service can bring it up. Bring some salt. Ask for salt.

Ask for salt. I bring my own. And gargle. Gargle with warm salt water first thing in the morning. What does that do? Two, three good, gag, gag, ga, ga, ga, ga, ga. Yeah, two or three of those and then spit it out. Yeah.

The salt water just hits your, you know, whatever these. I'm not a doctor. Your necks. You're inside of your neck holes. And, you know, starts the healing process. Salt is very healing. Okay. Like Epsom salts are healing.

Right. Don't gargle Epsom salts. Oh, my God. Please do not. I'm going to have to have you sign a release before I tell you anything else. Well, to be clear to our listeners, we are not doctors. And we are not therapists. Medical advice.

We have no training at all. No. But we know a lot. Don't listen to anything I say, but follow it to a T. Because we really know what we're talking about. I definitely do. Me too. So, you know, there's like Boyron pellets.

Remember those pellets I bought you? Boy who? Boy who? Boyron. Yeah, those pellets. Those are good. Take those. Boyron sounds like a comic book character. Yeah, that would be a good comic book character.

Can I have the second edition of Boyron? I'm going to keep it sealed in this plastic. And then, you know, I can give you some other things. The very obvious ones, just keep hot tea, manuka honey, not regular honey. Okay. Please, don't be like amateurish. Manuka, because manuka has, it has medicine in it. Does it come in a bear shape?

No, nothing in a bear shape ever. It should be dark and scary looking when you open it. Yeah. Where can I get Miss Manuka? You can go down to the Whole Foods down the street. The higher the number, the more expensive it'll be. Oh, really? They're like 50 bucks a jar.

50 bucks? It's a medicine, honey. What? Yes. Is it really? It really is. Yeah. All right.

Get Manuka and, of course, drink lots of teas. And I'll tell you, I have, you know, I have tinctures, but those things you have to order. Yeah. You're going to. No, this is. just I just got to get through tomorrow. Yeah. Because then I take my daughter to school and I'm, I don't think I'm performing for till

Vegas, till we go to Vegas. September 2nd, Labor Day weekend. Will people show up already? They will. What's with all this late ticket buying in Vegas? They're, you know, they're just waiting to see when they get there, you know? But we need to tell them. Buy the ticket and then make your plans to go.

Yes. Oh, that's even better. Right? Yes, that's even better. I have a friend Molly. You know Molly. Oh, maybe. From San Francisco.

Ringwald? No. Oh, okay. And she has a, one of her life hacks is when she's planning a trip, thinking where am I going to go? Where is a performer going to be performing, who I love and adore, and I'll use that as the impetus to bring me to wherever. That is a great idea. Dave Matthews band is playing in Sweden. I'm going to go to Sweden.

Celine Dion is not performing because she has a condition. Yeah. So we can't plan on vacation around her. No, please do not. But are you really going to Sweden? No. Oh. But I'd like to.

That'd be fun. It would be fun. Here's what I do. You already know what I'm going to say. I find out where there are some thermal mineral baths. Oh, boy. And I plan my vacation there. So I'm going to go to Iceland.

Yeah. That's my birthday present to myself. See, I love that idea. I think my wife would love that idea. Have her come with me. But it would be weird that I would travel all the way to Iceland and then go in a hot steam bath and be like, I got to get out of here in 15 minutes.

Oh, no, that's not going to be my case. Like I don't have, Cynthia and you both have the thing of, you can stay in there. beyond the recommended time. I'm going to pitch something to your wife. What? I'm planning a trip where I'm going to hit up all of the hot springs around, like, the western part of, you know, like Denver, like different parts of Utah, California, like parts of Colorado. And there are just these natural hot springs that are inside, like in a mountain, like just sitting a little pool of the side of a mountain.

And does somebody own that? Some of them are state parks, and then some of them are resorts, and then some of them you might have to hike to. Yeah, Idaho has some. You guys are going to have fun doing that. Would she do it? I don't know. Come on. She might do one.

I throw in free manuka honey. Free manuka honey. You can't say no. Does it come in the shape of a bear? It has to be frightening when you're not. you open it. Would it be at the regular supermarket? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't like going to Whole Foods. Oh, why not? It's annoying. What's annoying about it? Oh, because it has amazing things that aren't full of chemicals. Yeah. I like easy American processed stuff.

Wow. Your jersey really comes out like real fast. It doesn't matter how long you've lived here. It's really true. Yeah. I sometimes I just like to do what I'm told by people who are not interested in my well-being. I'm the opposite. And I'm like, well, I could take Advil, but what about squeezing the pollen out of this dandelion?

And while you're thinking about that and running through a field, I've already had three Advil. Yeah, probably. Dave Grohl, I'm reading his book, before he goes on stage, he has three Advil and two beers. Oh. Okay. Again, not medical advice. That sounds Jersey. Please, please do not. Wow. Can I tell you my favorite Dave Grohl story? Okay. I don't know how old his kids are, but they must be around the same age as my 12, almost 13 year old. Okay.

Because there's a park here in the valley. Yeah. And I would see Dave Grohl there with one or two or, I don't know, eight of his kids. I don't know how many he has. Uh-huh. And I would pick up my two, three-year-old. My oldest was just little back then. Yeah.

And I would just kind of put, I was like, here, play over here to play next to Dave Grohl's kids to give me an excuse to maybe say hey to one of my favorite musicians ever in the world. And every time my kids are like, no, I want to play with my trucks over here. I'm like, no, you're going to make a sandcastle over here so mommy can schmooze. Did it ever work? No. You never got to say hi.

I never said hi. Oh. Yeah. Because you know when you're at the playground, do you remember those days? The parents are sitting on the bench and they're like, oh, which one's yours? Right. That's what I was hoping might happen.

But my kid had to be a douchebag and try to do the spinny slide. Every time I'd see him. My wife has a funny story about that where I'll mess up the details, but in general terms, she was at. a volleyball game or I think it was volleyball, girls volleyball at school, little kids. And one of the classmates of my daughter's name is Julia. And my wife comes in late and she's sitting in the little bleachers and they're watching the, you know, ridiculous little basketball volleyball game of kids that can't hold ball yet.

And she starts saying, she starts. she starts saying Julia Look at Julia Oh I didn't know Julia was here Look at Julia And everyone's like Shh And she's like

Isn't it great? I'm so excited that I didn't even know Julia was here I mean is that she's you know what And she keeps going on about Julia And everyone's acting like she's toxic Turns out Julia Roberts Is

there seeing her kid or a niece or whatever. Yeah. And is literally one row in front of my wife. And everybody thinks my wife is going, oh my God, Julia Roberts is here. I love that. I love that.

Everyone in L.A. has one of those. Yeah. You know, everyone. Yeah. My husband did that at the Hollywood Bowl. And went to go see Rush. Ugh. I should have left him then.

Honestly, that should have been my first red flag. But he dragged me to rush. Were you the only girl there? No. There were a lot more that came on the back of someone's motorcycle. But we went during the intermission or whatever, and he's like, it's loud during and everyone's clogged up. I don't know how they designed.

They were like, let's make a huge musical venue like a mouse, you know, maze. It's so impossible to get anywhere quickly. I know. And everyone's jammed and everyone's trying to get to a bar or a restroom or whatever. And Mike is talking to me, I can't hear him. I'm like, what, what? He's behind me and we're pushing through the crowd. And he's chapping on the shoulder and he's pointing.

And I go, I don't have no idea what you're saying. And just as this guy walks past us, Mike goes, Dave Foley. But he says it in Dave Foley's face. He didn't know Dave was going to get to us so quickly. And he didn't know I was not going to hear him until that moment. And Dave, like, looks at us. And I'm like, hey, Dave Foley. I'm like, what's your problem?

He's like, I've been telling you for 10 minutes. Hollywood Bowl is so annoying to get in and out of it. It is. It is such a challenge. The show, the amphitheater, the night sky, everything about it is so, it has to be that great to deal with what it takes to get in and out of that place. One way to get in and out. Who? They should be.

just murdered. Who designed one entrance, one exit? It is ridiculous. You really have moments of, is this okay? I took my dad to see Andrea Bichelli. That was his Father's Day gift.

And I think I traumatized him trying to get an Uber on the way home. Oh, God. Oh, my on the way home? I made my dad walk. I go, pop, we're walking. He's like, what's happening? Because I parked and then we took an Uber in.

Oh. That way, I just parked like down in the valley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we took an Uber in. But then getting out, you can't get an Uber out. I think he still wakes up in like a sweat. He might still be there. I made him walk.

Have you ever made your parent walk when they don't want to? Like through the craziest apocalyptic end of the world traffic and beeping and cones. And then they hold everybody because they can't cross the street. because I letting the traffic out and it just builds up. Yeah. And I'm reaching out to him like, don't let go! And we got separated. It feels like War of the Worlds.

Yes. When everyone's trying to get to the boat. Yes. When everyone's like all of a sudden just crushed down at the pier, wait in. Take my child. That's right. Take my child. I just wanted to see.

The light screen. Save my kid. I just want to see Maggie Rogers. Joey, can you shut that door, please? Thank you. Joseph. Thanks, four ounce. Almost.

Almost. Almost. So close. If he had six ounce arms, he could be able to close the door. Yeah. Are they adding like floors to this building? They are working on a bathroom. Oh.

For I think two months. And then they're also cutting lots of wood in the parking garage. Nice. Perfect. Yeah. Who knows? I don't know what's going on here. I like this building, though.

I like how the third floor is so secretive. There's a sign in the elevator. Yeah. By invitation only. I know. Who's up there? It's like Soho House. We should say that here.

Invitation only. Okay, back to your shamanesque. Yes. Lady Tinctures. Yeah. Why? Why do? I get this.

If I do get a little bit of a cold. Yeah. It's always back there. Right. It's not like my daughter where it comes out of her nose for a month. Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Why is that happen? So you're going to have a response, your immune response. So a pathogen is going to come into your face. Old school. Right? Like old school. And immediately your body is not going to let it get past, you know. That's why it's bad if things get into the lungs, right?

That means it went past the first immune stop. Yes, checkpoint. And so it starts to immediately, you start to like, I don't know, the full, you know, medical terms. Again, we're not doctors, but we know a lot. Yeah, your immune response will start immediately. That's why you feel it in your throat immediately. Right. Because your body is sending like soldiers, little soldier cells.

And they're fighting it. I think they're white blood cells. I'm pretty sure. So they're fighting in my throat. They're going to fight in your throat. Right. And then hopefully your immune system. defeats them, right?

But then it still needs to go through a process. So now it's fighting it. Right. And it still needs to get out. And it'll come out through a cough, through a sneeze, through a stuffy nose. Right, right, right, right. And that's where you want it to be. Right.

If it travels, oyvesmere. That's not okay. But you know what else you can do? You won't do this. But what a person that would listen to me could do is you take, you won't do it. You take a little bit of tea tree oil. Yeah. Really, Mr.

Miyagi style, you know what I mean? And you just kind of get all these lymph nodes, all of this working and open and, you know. On the outside of your neck? On the outside would work. Yes, absolutely. Just like, you know that we have something called a Vegas nerve. Las Vegas? That's where I'm going.

That's exactly why you should do it. And it's like, it connects everything. Your whole nervous system. Uh-huh. And you can, I could grab it right now like Spock style. And what would happen? Like Nanu-Nanu style? Yeah.

And I would activate it. And then what happens? You shit your pants. That's what they unfortunate. I never heard of a Vegas nodule. Yeah, there's a Vegas nerve. You don't know a lot of things. That's why I'm asking.

I know. Yeah, I mean, that's what it is. I can activate it for you. So if I take some tea tree oil from Ralph's. No. And Whole Foods. Fine. Let's put the difference.

Sprouts. Gelsons. And I rub it on my handy hands. Yeah. And then I rub my own neck. Yeah. What's happening? Well, okay, number one, just even the scent of the Cheatrol will kind of open up.

You know what I mean? All of this. It opens it all up. Let me tell you, this is a great story that I tell people. Okay. Okay. I had a gig in Northern California. Yes.

I decided I wanted to drive because I like to have my independence up there to go do stuff. So I get in my car. It's six hours, and all of a sudden I'm feeling that tickle, right? And I have all my oils, everything, my whole kit with me. And I start rubbing. Now, this is, do not do this undiluted, but oregano oil. Oregono oil. It's diluted with coconut.

I start rubbing it as I'm driving for six hours. I'm rubbing this. I got my tea tree. I'm literally just rubbing your neck. My entire neck. I'm giving myself little massages back here. I'm like, God damn it, I have to do this gig. I cannot be sick for this gig.

Yeah. And I felt it. I felt it. And I thought, this is not going to be good. And by the time I got up there six hours later, I took some, you know, pellets, those little pellets I gave you. By the time I got up there, I was totally fun. Really? 100%.

Also, you should sweat. Can you sweat? I was thinking of that this morning. You should sweat for sure. get in a sauna, get in a steam room, sweat, sweat, sweat. Okay, so I'm going in tonight and then I have this gig, it's hosting for this big company. Yeah.

And I'm going to be there early in the morning. Yeah. So to sweat before I get in is, I won't have enough time. Should I sweat when I get there tonight? If you can, yeah, there's a Korean spa. I mean, in the hotel. Like, could I just go to this? If they have it, would it help?

100%. I was on the, I worked out yesterday and was sweating like crazy. That is a different sweat. Yeah. Because you're also getting fatigued at the same time. So exercise sweat, which is great, is different than when you sit in a sauna. Yeah. Your organs are like getting squeezed.

Right. Yes. It's a different sweat. Right. Because it's pushing the heat into you. Whereas you're sweating, you're trying to cool your body off. It's, it's also good. Mm-hmm.

But yeah. bone broth. Bone broth. I would drink bone broth. Oh, I did that when I had COVID. Yeah, I know. You gave it to me. Yeah, and do it again.

For the sauna? Yeah. Going and doing it tonight. I mean, it's a thing that we're doing not just to get through the show. This is actually for healing, right? Yes. So doing it tonight makes sense. I make my kids get in the sauna the second, like I look at them and I go,

you look a little squirrely to me. You know what I mean? Like I can see as a mom, I can see something in their face. And I make them get and they know. They're like, don't make me get in the sauna. I go, you're getting the sauna. God damn it, you are sweating. Why can't we have pop tarts like the other kids?

Exactly. My 12-year-old at least gets it. My 8-year-old, can I tell you what happened yesterday? Please. I was shaking. I was so like, we have a really sweet neighbor. we take gymnastics with her. And these two girls are the same age.

Both eight-year-olds, a lot of energy, a lot of, please, please, please, please. They just had a slumber party. That's the friend. Sleep over. Okay. So when they get like an idea, that's all they want to do is just convince you to go forward with their idea. They wanted boba. Well, I think boba is disgusting.

Why do you need something popping? in your mouth with a crazy sex, like, uh, sorry, sensation. I was going to say texture and sensation at the same time. Sex station. Sexation. Why do you need that? Do you like Boba? Do you like something squirting?

I don't like Boba, but I don't think it's, I don't think it's bad though. It's disgusting. Well. And what's in it? Yeah, that I don't know. What's it? We don't know. Nobody knows.

No one's taken a part of Boba. So they have been asking for Boba for weeks and I put it off. Put it off. And the other mom is super sweet. And she's like, yeah, sure, we'll take you to Bob. And I'm like, yeah, sure. Okay, I took him to gymnastics yesterday. I said, fine.

I'm going to take you to Boba. And then I swear to God, you better not ask me about Boba. I want like six months off from Boba. So I look up what's on the way to gymnastics. Okay, I found a Boba place. We drive over there. They're closed because they had watered. damage from Hurricane Hillary.

And these two chicks in the back row lost their minds. But you promised. All right, listen to me. Listen to me. I did what I promised to do. I took you to Boba. Do you know what I like when kids complain, I start to like, I cannot contain just my inner, who I am in real life,

which is, how dare you? You know, like, I... It flares up out of nowhere. Yeah, and I go... It, like, surprises even yourself. I go, ladies, I even looked up and made sure. Made sure they were open. Oh, okay.

Google. Dr. Google said it's open. So they lose their minds. We're not getting boba. And I'm like, look, I'm taking to gymnastics. We'll get boba another time. What about after gymnastics? We'll get boba.

Another goddamn time. So I take them to gymnastics. on the way to gymnastics, they see another little place. And our little neighbor friend is like, they have boba at Tootie Fruitie. Well, I'm like, fine. So I make a fully illegal maneuver. I go into, I go, fine, let's go get boba.

So we drive into the Tootie Fruity parking lot. It's pretty funny to think that when you drive around L.A., there's people just making crazy U-turns in front of you all the time, just completely illegal, just going the opposite direction. And I always think it's just like some vagrant just going nuts. It's probably moms. It's a mom just to shut them up. So we pull into Tutti-Fruti.

We go in, and there's a woman wearing 17 masks. Oh, God. And she probably has an accent. I don't know because I go, oh, I go, huh, and I go, do you have boba? I'm just like, look in my eyes. I need boba right. now. And she tells me something. I don't know what it is. And she points to something and I don't know what she's pointing to. And the girl see boba in the frozen yogurt toppings bar. Like, can we have this

boba? That looks disgusting. Is that boba? And they're like, please. I go, all right. You can have a couple little, just try them. I go, can I just buy toppings here? And the woman's like, I go, I don't know what you're saying, but fine. So they go get little frozen yogurt cups, and our neighbor fills it to the top of toppings Boba, which is just chemicals encased in some sort of plastic shell and the juice from, she emptied one of the toppings things. It was like four different flavors.

And then she put meresino cherries on top, which I absolutely. Absolutely do not allow my children. You know me. There's sugar syrup, Terry. There's formaldehyde in that. I literally, I turn white and I go, oh my God. If you die in my car, you know, like I am shaking.

The mom is with you? No, no, I took them. Oh, you, okay. I took, because we were like, hey, you don't need to go. Like, I can take them to gymnastics. They're literally our neighbor right there. And my kid is like, can I? I go, like, I laser into her forehead.

And she's like, never mind. And so they just had topping. Oh, were they happy? No. No? They were like, this is disgusting. And I'm like Homer Simpson. You know when he would just murder Bart in every episode?

Like the worst parent in the world. I was like, you're going to eat this goddamn boba topping that I had to do an illegal turn for. And it cost me 12 bucks. And the bad part is it in their little mind. It doesn't count. It does not count. You still have to satisfy the boba.

The brown boba. I am just, you can't win. You can't win. What a nightmare. But to me, when I see so much sugar, I start to like sweat, but like angry sweat. So did you put her in the sauna when she came home? I absolutely did.

I looked at her and I go, you're getting in the sauna after gymnastics. Leaving a little pool of boba on the wooden bench. So gross. And I made her do an Epson Salt Bath. Oh, you did? All of it. All of it. I sat there with a big stick and just mixed her around in it with like some dirty rags.

Are your kids, is your family, is your husband, are you healthier than other people? I don't know. But the opposite for me is to be what I consider unhealthy would make me mentally unhealthy. Right. So whether it's, I'm healthy. It's not a comprehensive. No, no, no, but I'm wondering, like, for all the stuff that you do, like, is it... It keeps me sane.

Keeps you sane. Yes. Right. It keeps, it makes me, my 12-year-old knows. He goes, Mommy doesn't like these ingredients. Like, he knows. They'll go into the store, and he knows to read it, and he goes, forget it. He is so just beaten down.

Do you think that they're less, it doesn't sound like it. But I'll ask anyway, do you think that they're less moody than other kids? I will say once I got my son gluten-free, which is just recently, it was just during when the pandemic started. So just the middle of 2020, I do see a big difference. You do. He's still moody. Yeah. He's still so emotional.

Yeah. But I see a big, yes, he's a kid. I see a big difference. You do. Yeah. Interesting. I do. And with her.

Um, she's just magical. So I have to go to Whole Foods after this and get some magic honey. I'll text you a bunch of stuff. And I don't want to go crazy. I just need a couple things. No, you just need to do it. I'm going to sweat when I get there. Yeah.

I'm going to go to the sauna. I'm going to have some honey and I'm going to gargle salt water. Yes. I'll give you a couple other things. You should just, just to. help your immune system. Just take the five. Like five to stay alive.

That's what I call it. What I was doing is zinc. Great. C. Wonderful. That's it. D. D.

Quercetin. No. Well, do it. Magnesium. No. Okay. You have to. And my secret weapon.

Black seed oil. I was just going to say black seed oil. Yeah, we have that. Yes. From when I got coached. COVID two years ago. So keep just overdose on that. Really?

Yeah. Is that? You'll pee brown. Is that the star? Is that the star of those? Yes. It is. Yeah.

Wormwood also, but I don't want to go crazy on you. Yeah. Yeah. And should I rub my neck with tea tree oil? Yes. You should. I mean, these are 17 things. I just have to get through this gig tomorrow.

I need three things. I get it. I get it. But why not go and get a massage? Clear those lymph loads up. What do you mean? I won't have the time. Do it today.

Today? Why not? I got stuff to do. Oh. I got to get to the airport. What's more important? Your health? I got to get to the show.

You'll be fine. Right after this. Here, we'll cut the podcast short. Bye, guys. Oh. Our next partner is AG1, the daily foundational nutrition supplement that supports whole body health. I drink it literally every day.

I love it. I scoop it. I go into my refrigerator. I scoop it out. I put it into my little thing. I shake it up and I just pound it. Perfect. And it tastes good.

and it's green so you know it works. Also, I have these little packs for travel. And what I have to do is figure out the, it's a plastic bottle with a metal top and you're shaking it up and stuff. I need more of those containers. It seems to get in, like, it's hard to keep that stuff clean.

Oh, I see what you're saying. I think maybe metal would be good for the travel. Oh, yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like these little travel packs, and it comes every month, like the big thing, and then I get these little travel packs. And so when I'm on the road, especially when you're, you know, the timing's bad,

like you're complaining that we have to fly at 7.30 in the morning, and, you know, you're not going to eat stuff. You can just do this. You can just pound a little AG1, and you'll be set to go. 75 vitamins, minerals, probiotics, whole food sourced, ingredients, of high quality that give me major benefits like gut and mood support, boosted energy, and even healthier-looking skin, hair, and nails. The energy thing is the thing that I've been concentrating on lately. Drink one the morning of your gig.

Yeah, yes, right before the show. Now you're talking. If you want to take ownership of your health, try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D and five-free AG-1 travel packs with your first purchase. go to drinkag1.com slash papa. That's drinkag1.com slash papa to check it out. It really is a good thing. I really, this is one of those sponsors where you're like,

I'm going to use it no matter if they advertise or not. That's great. I'm just going to keep doing it. It's good. The other supplements that I like to add are mac and cheese. Once in a while, I'll, throw in a cool ranch Dorito.

No, I've been really off of processed foods. Yeah. And man, that makes a difference. It does. It really does. Such a difference. The weird thing about

getting off of processed foods is that you quickly, this isn't a lifelong thing. Like, you quickly don't identify them as food any longer. That's right.

They're not food. They're kind of this manipulation to make you eat more. Do you know what it is? Entertainment. Mm-hmm. Go on. It's fun, right?

It's something to do. Right. It's, oh, I'm bored. Yeah. I'll have a thing, and it'll be like a cool, bright package, and, ooh, look at my taste buds are like a lot. You get a dopamine hit? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I know. Here's a thing. I don't want to create sad kids who don't, who can't, like, Like, have a pizza party and have delinos. I'm going to tell my kids, this is information. Right. Make your choices. You know, but this is the information.

I'm going to give you, you know. Yeah. Because I ain't junk food as a kid. We all did. It's, it's. Yeah. And it's like you don't want to ruin that right of passage, but also, I also had this lifelong thing that I had to deal with that.

I was like, why do I constantly look through? Three months pregnant. Right. I performed at The Crow the other night. Isn't that a great little room? And I met your friend Nicole. Yes. Yeah.

And she brought you up. Such a cute room, isn't it? Yeah, it was great. Yeah. What was the show? Was there like a... It was a fundraiser for striking writers, I think, in actors. Oh, very good.

I think they raised a good $30. Yeah. I know. It's a pizza. a party for the actors. Right, exactly. I know, it was pretty bad. Okay, so my kids are leaving.

I am going to be solo in the house with my wife. And I'm excited about it on one level because we get to just be a couple again, just kind of cool. and I brought up to my wife we should go back to date night. We used to have date night. When the kids were little, we were pretty strict about it, and we would have date night.

And it sounds corny, but to lock off one night where you don't have to think about it and there's no wiggle room. So I was going to try and bring it back in. and there was a little resistance. What? No.

No, there wasn't. Have you ever had date night as a part of your schedule? We did try to be strict with it. It doesn't. It doesn't work. It didn't hold. No, because our schedules change, mine especially, where I'm like, I got to, I know it's date night, but the improv wants me to do a spot, you know?

It's terrible, yes. But I do way more spots around town than you do. Right. You do. When you're in town, you're just like, I don't need to work. I'm going to go fly to, you know, Man-Tucket to do a gig. When I'm home, it's Largo or the Comedy Store. Yeah.

And that's it. And that's it. And it's like two or three times during the week, depending on what I'm doing. That's a lot then. Yeah. But the way that we would make it and what I suggested last night, was Mondays. That's a safe night.

That's a safe night. Tuesday, you're going to get offers to go do a spot somewhere. You might, yeah. Mondays are a little rough for her because she's teaching, so that's her first day back. When you do date nights, though, do you make it like you're in charge this week? Because the hardest thing for us was, well, what do you want to do? Well, what do you want to do? It's like picking a place to go for dinner.

Yeah. Do you, like, here's what we did. I'm picking the movie or I'm picking the restaurant. I'm picking the activity or I'm, that's it. And you're just showing up with me. That's good. So you would swap it? Yeah.

I picked last time. Now it's your turn. Right. But then my husband would start to pick and I go, or we could just do my idea again. I like the, I like the not having to think about it. The fewer decisions you have to make. Yeah. The better.

She finds that boring. I think. If I were to say every Monday night we go to Pansanella's. Okay. She'd be like, I'm so sick of Pansanillas. Okay. Where I have a mental disorder where I could, if I'm eating that every Monday, that's just what I do. And the robot part of me just is happy just to go and do that.

That was our Friday nights when I was a kid. My dad said, every Friday week of Chinese food. Mm-hmm. And that's what we did. Every Friday. Yeah, I love that. At the same place, too. Oh, you'd go.

The same place. And every Friday was Chinese. That's great. And I grew up at this place, you know, and then what was nice was when I started dating, I would take dates there and the management knew me. So I looked like a superstar. And they would always, and then, you know, you're 16, you don't have a lot of cash. Yeah.

But they're throwing us, you know, free. appetizers are free something because they know me. Yeah, yeah. And then that was, that's a classy thing to do. There is that great thing of the familiarity of it. Like you go in and it's your table and it's like your thing and you get to, I like that a lot. Yes. Being the new every time you go, it's a struggle.

But see, my thing with date night is I, and maybe your wife, maybe Cynthia's like this, I would do something that probably would make Mike uncomfortable. Like I'd say, oh, we're going to go take salsa class. Oh, boy. Why not? I don't think the goal of date night is to... Hate each other? Or work that hard.

It's really just sitting across the table from each other without... No? I mean, I guess. Yeah, great. I have to stare at your mug the whole time. Does it have to be exciting date night? No, but I think sometimes it's fun. It doesn't have to be.

salsa every night. You lose me at fun. Okay. You go, have you ever gone to one of those salsa classes? No. Here's a little side story. Okay. My wife is a dancer.

She was a trained dancer, a professional dancer. She danced. Whoa. So she knows how to dance. I don't move that great. I'm like, I lose the rhythm. I'm not that great. So I thought, oh, this will be.

Good present. For Christmas, I got us dance lessons at the local danceria. Yeah. And I figured that'll be fun because we'll both go to the dance class and we'll learn how to do. We'll dance together. And this will be an expression of my wanting to do an activity. And she was like, it was like telling a comedian, a professional comedian, like, we're going to go do open mics in this laundromat once a week.

hated it we never went you never went she was like me i don't want to go someplace and watch you struggle oh so it never happened yeah which was okay because then i just was like well then we just don't dance i guess i guess you don't dance that's okay you don't have to dance like if we go to weddings and i try to dance oh uh it hurts her soul it hurts her soul yeah she's like the slow dances when we're holding each other you just you just you just feel the frustration coming out of her back. Does she try to lead? She tries to lead.

Yeah. And then I... Feel emasculated. I don't care, but can't keep up. So then we do the dancing to the... To the young kid music. And then I'm always making it into a joke. And she doesn't think it's funny after a point.

It's just like... So you're like doing like... Like you're at a concert. Yeah, and I'm just doing like my little... Yeah. My moves. I'm doing my little. The Carlton.

Quirky moves. Okay. And she's like, that's fun. And she's like, five, six, seven, eight. I wonder if there's dessert. She came off a flight once in New York. I was meeting her in New York and she came off a flight. It was thunderstorms delayed.

She had motion sickness. She was shot. And we went to this little Italian restaurant in the village. And they're playing music. and a guy comes over, this Italian waiter comes up, and says, dance with me, and took her hand, and she went up, and the two of them were dancing in front of the kitchen, which they would do with different people at different times.

And they broke into, he's spinning her, she's twirling, he's dropping her, she's doing things to him, it was just like she went from complete, I might just pass out to dancing like nobody's business. And I was like, yeah. Wow, that's incredible. I can't dance with her. But have you ever done that as a comic where you've had a travel day from hell? And, you know, you got to switch over at DFW.

You know what I mean? Where you get there and you're like, oh, my God, now I have a gig. How am I going to do this? And I'm cranky and tight. And then you get on stage and you're fine. Yeah. Yeah. I always really love those moments.

The thing that keeps me going in those moments, and I've had a bunch of them, like in recent years, where you think you're not even going to make it, and you literally, where normally you would land and shower and shave and put on your show clothes, and where I literally, they just race you to the stage door and you walk out on stage in your greasy-headed travel mode. And it goes great.

And it goes great. There was a book called Comedy, which was like a kind of like a photo book with different comics and I got it before I was a comedian and has Robin Williams on the cover holding a baby the baby's crying and he's making a face and it had like Richard Lewis and they would just have these different comics just for like five pages and it would have quotes from them and these great black and white photos of them and they did Sam Kinnison they had Alan King they had Richard Lewis who else

they had Joan Rivers Jerry Lewis it's a great book and the Robin Williams one and there's a little story from when the author, photographer, met them what was going on

and they talk about this flying in from L.A. to like Montana or something and they're in this crazy flight, Robin Williams and him, and they're in this crazy flight, they've come off set,

and it's just turbulence, this guy's gonna throw up, they have to connect, it's just like this hellish, hellish, hellish thing. And then Robin Williams goes up on stage and performs for two hours, and this guy cannot believe that he,

and I remember reading that before I was a comedian, and like, how did he do it? That's insane. Cocaine. Yeah, we're just, doing it with tea tree oil. Yeah. So we're even stronger.

Yeah, and he gargled the cocaine too. Ruffed it into his neck. So I think that date night, as corny as it is, it's almost like the romantic getaway when you leave your kids and you go to a hotel. Yes. And like we would have family come watch the kids. And everyone knows what's happening. Sure.

It's like. Everyone knows you're going to go have sex. We're going to have sex in a different place. Yeah, without any. Yeah. Yeah. There's no spontaneity. There's no romantic surprise.

It's Tuesday at 6. We're leaving and we're going to the hotel and we're going to have sex and then we'll be back in the morning. And do you guys do it immediately? Like get in the hotel, throw the bags down and be like, come on. Time's a waste in. Or do you ease into it? Most of the time right into it. Okay.

Because there's no... Sure. Why dilly-dally? Why? Dillie-Dally, why? And you're tired, especially when you've got little kids and you're trying to get away from them. Yeah. You're so exhausted. Right. And it's like that bed, it's like anything we do that's not that, we're going to be asleep.

That's true. You can't sit down and be like, oh, look at this. Yeah, you're right. You're right. You got it. And then it also puts you in a nice place for the rest of the... Yeah. day or night.

Which hopefully is just a nap. And then you just sleep more and then go eat. Perfect. Yeah, exactly. But I do feel like we have to, it is a funny thing with the date night where she was like, Mondays aren't great. And I'm like, I know, but Tuesdays aren't going to be.

Sundays are. And she said, well, I think that we, we, not having kids around, why one night? We could go do whatever we want, whenever we want. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, but we could also. I could also work out every day if I want. But unless I'm planning on working out on Monday,

you've got to have at least one of them locked in. So I'm trying to institute it. So and do you, are you mostly gone every weekend, right? Yeah. Mostly, yeah. For the rest of this year, pretty much. During the day on a weekend is also nice.

Yeah. But I won't be here on the weekends. You won't be here. No. My tour. schedule is so insane. I love it. Mazel To the end of December. Until the end of November

really. I've got like a couple things, December. But yeah, it's going to be a lot. But that's why you got to do it. And who can't, but yeah, we're not taking dance classes. You don't have to. But I'm like, but I can sense that you're bored. A little salsa, a little one of these around the neck. Have you ever done that?

What about just sitting in Denny's? Very similar. And ordering some salsa? Yeah, very similar. When your life is so chaotic running this corporation that is your family, literally the just sitting in a room with a kombucha or a martini and just sitting there and talking for 20 minutes is kind of transcendent. Here's one thing my husband and I have been doing in the morning is,

You know, we get up and it's like lunches, get the breakfast on the table. Move, move, move. Everyone brush your teeth. Brush, like I have to say it five times. Almost like it's like a chant of some sort. Like make your bed. And then we pour our coffee. And then we might have 10, 15 minutes.

And then we tell the kids exit this kitchen right now. And we now use that time. So they're like, it's like speed dating. Yeah, yeah. I'm speed dating my husband. Right. So we have 10, 15 minutes. And we'll just chat, you know, whatever.

Yeah. Something that we saw, oh, I just got this weird email. Or did you hear? Or something from work or whatever or what's going on. And it's like this little mini catch up. Yep. And it's really nice. Yeah.

And then someone will come in and we're like, out. Adult time. And then we make them, and they have to wait in their rooms. until I say, okay, get your shoes on. Really? Yes, because now we kind of, we're sitting there, we're having our coffee. You got the rhythm. Yes.

And it's nice to drink coffee. I mean, it's nice to drink coffee by yourself, but chances are you might scroll your phone. You know what I mean? Yes. And then you're just kind of, the coffee is secondary. Yeah. But when you're chatting and it's your significant other. Right.

And you're both really enjoying it. I highly recommend that. That is a nice thing. Yeah, and you can do that. Well, when does she have to leave for work? Yeah, we can't do that. Oh, forget it. All right, well.

Yeah, she had her first day. She had her first day yesterday and just meetings and stuff. And it was like, oh, we're going to be back in the schedule, which is great. Yeah. It's great. You need schedules. You need busy. But I would have to get up at, I think, 630 to have.

have that coffee and she doesn't really drink coffee so i'll meet her at the end of the day okay yeah but we don't have to make people leave like when we're home we're going to be home it's going to be the dogs that are going to be the and they don't listen see you still have butts to look after i'm not looking at you think i'm not you are you have dog butts same i don't look in them i'm not saying they're walking around with them i'm not looking in them but you have it's on your mind there's a concern Oh, have the dogs do the dogs need to go? See what I mean?

Right, right, right. It's still there. Your life, listen, life is full of just worrying about butts. I don't think that's accurate. Maybe I'm not saying it eloquently. You know what I mean. Yeah. Here's, all right, one last thing.

This is our end of summer show, by the way. Oh, bye-bye summer. This is the unofficial, this is our Labor Day. So everyone's coming out to see us. They've already. They already saw us. Yeah. Thanks for getting tickets.

They've already seen us. Thanks, guys. That was such a great time. I'm so glad that we mentioned it in the beginning of the show that they should come. Whoopsies. Whoops. Yeah, summer's over. As a parent, you're probably excited.

I feel like, yeah, mixed emotions. I had three months off for summer. So I felt like summer was an actual event. Yeah. And I feel like two months is more of like, oh, just a long Christmas break. Right. But it's fine. Yes, I'm happy because camps are insanely expensive.

And sure, go back. Go back to school. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. But I, you know, I know Hollywood kind of takes August off. Which Hollywood's taking, I mean, they're off because of the- Strikes.

Yeah. But usually Hollywood is off. They take August off and December off. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Let's be honest. Also, most of November and January. Yeah.

Yeah. What? How do things get done? I don't know. How does anything get made or done? Maybe that's what they should say in the negotiation. We'll actually work. Yeah, guess what?

For more months. And after 3 p.m. Yeah, right. Because I don't want to sit on the 405. Maybe that can be. It's like Hollywood is like worse than teachers union. We really don't want to work. Yeah, just on our terms.

I am happy. I like to keep them busy. Not crazy busy, but like something after school. Or else they get home and then they're like, can we, can you play? Can you? Because you do the pickup every day. I do the pickup when I'm in town, yes. Right.

So we have martial arts. Oh, geez. They don't want to do it. And I told them. you better, you better learn how to kill somebody. That's my goal, especially for my daughter. They don't want to do the martial arts. They don't want to go in the sauna.

They don't want to eat the foods you're giving them. They have a great childhood. I think they're excited that school started. It's not negotiable. You're going to learn how to, if you need to, murder somebody. Get them right in that vagus nerve and they pass out. And then they're both going to do the play, a play. So can I tell you how excited I am?

My 8-year-old, I was going over her audition. So we're doing it. It's self-tape. Oh, geez. I know. I don't know legally if I can even do it as a sag. That's part of one of the things we can't do right now. So we're going to self-tape her today.

We worked on it last night. She was so good. Really? It's flounder from Little Mermaid. She took all my direction And I told her The timing on that was perfect Keep doing that

There's a bit that I want her to get She did one line reading that was not I go no no no Everyone's going to read it that way Make a different choice She listened I don't know if you ever helped your kids With any comedy or acting stuff

I almost burst into tears She was a natural Wow that's great I'm just beaming with pride And then I go No, no, no, but don't ever consider it as a career No, no, no Because then it's blow jobs and cocaine

So no, no, no, no But then also, oh my God, you're so good I don't know what to do I know She was really surprising That's amazing So if this is our end of the summer show That means

That we are going to Tacoma and Salem. I don't know why you keep pronouncing it that way. Salam. It's very unnerving. Salem. Salem. Then we're going to San Francisco.

Yeah. 22nd and 23rd. And Salt Lake City. Yes. And then I've got Texas in between. Yeah. Which is making the Vegas show seem sold out. And then it's my birthday.

Yes. And in between. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Your birthday is the day before I do Texas. It's the one time that we're not together this week, this month. Yeah, the 15th. So, sorry, I would have given you a present, but we're not going to be together.

Salsa dancing. Sorry. We can go salsa dancing. I'll give you an update on date night. Do you still have those dance lessons? I'll give you an update on my show tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have a voice. You have a voice.

You're fine. You're going to be okay. I'll be fine. But follow everything to a T. Yeah. No, I really want the routine because it is the only thing. And when we're talking about those trips, like when you're doing stand-up and you're going on these trips

and they're difficult and you get up and do it. If your voice is shot, you're a shot. Yes. So I always, I just want a routine for that to keep it at bay. Fine. I'll go to Whole Foods for you. You're the best. We got it, Joey.