Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 172 - Giant Spiders and Tangled Families

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

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Hey. Welcome everybody to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa and my pal Kira Soltonovich. We hope you're doing well. Good to see you. Me too. We're going to be together so much this month. Too much.

Oh, my God. No, I'm looking forward. We're going to Tacoma and Salem. Yes. And then, you're going. You don't like when I say Salam. You want me to say Salam. No.

You want me to say Salem. Salem. Salem. Just casually. Salem. Yeah. We're going to Texas. We just added that one.

Yeah, which people really have to. Longview, Texas, the Belcher Center. Are there two people in that town? Why isn't anyone coming to that show? And also, it's barely Texas. I looked it up. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like right on the border of Texas.

Land in Dallas and then drive forever. Yeah. Yeah. I got to book your flight for that. Yes, please. Jeez. You have some life. I know.

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I have good skin. I do have good skin to begin with, yes. 20% off at calderaLab.com with code Papa. P-A-P-A. If there's something that makes me seem older, it's that I have no hair left and that I wear giant glasses. But it's not my skin. Well, first of all, giant glasses are in.

Are they? Yeah. I didn't know. You're, like, fashionable right now. Really? And, you know, you have two teenage now, you know, older daughters. And that's going to, you're going to lose some hair. That's just part of it.

Yeah. During the pandemic, I've always been losing my hair. It's always been like this pretty much for 20 years. And then, but never gray. And then I went during the pandemic for a haircut when they let us out of our holes. And all this gray fell in my head. lap when they were cutting and I think it really was just the shock of everything that we went through and we're like it's okay it's all right it's okay at that point it was probably the least of your worries

yeah yeah yeah it's you know I looked at my husband the day and he's much more gray and I was envious because if that was me I would be running to my stylist and he can just sit there and just be as white as a ghost. But isn't that because you are the bigger person? I don't mind it. I actually think it looks good on him. I like it. That's the thing. You're the bigger person.

But if I grew, I'd be like, you know, there's this Russian witch called Baba Yaga. And, you know, she was described to every little Russian kid as this crazy, wiry-haired, white-haired witch. And that's exactly what I think. If I did not cover my grays, I would just be this, Baba Yaga. Baba Yaga. And she eats kids and does lots of terrible things. She sounds fun. Yeah.

So I can never go gray, ever. Do you have any gray? Yeah. You do? I've had gray hair since I was 16. What? Yep. Why?

Just trauma. Maybe you are. I might be. Well, you know, I am a quarter of Dracula. We have talked about that already. Yeah. So maybe there's something to do with that. Maybe it's because I'm a thousand.

and years old that I'm going to have gray hair at 16. I don't grow out my beard because it's so gray. But you know, again, I bet it would look good. You think so? I think so. You should do it. A little bit of a grizzly tom. All right, I'll do it this week.

Yes. And then I'll let you review it. Okay. I can already give you a review. Yeah? Yeah. Chopin wood. Okay, but what is this?

Why are guys, why is the perception of guys? of guys being gray and older okay. I happen to think older women are sexy too. Why did you add like an asthmatic? Because my nose got clogged up for a second. Oh, okay, okay. Last time when we were on the show, you gave me a bunch of Baba Gayak cures

for what was beginning. of a cold and I had to go do shows and stuff and it didn't help no you're leaving out a very important critical piece of information what's that you didn't take it did for a couple days no a couple days what was that joey could you pay attention to the podcast and stuff playing with your computer joey's doing solitaire over there you know these kids in their snapchat They just can't stop. They can't stop. I have so much to talk about.

Put a pin in Joey's anxiety. Okay. Can I tell you, can I ask a question right now? Yes. Okay. I was doing the laundry the other day, and all of a sudden, I see a massive spider in the laundry, like crawling all over the closet or in the laundry. Yeah. Curious, what would you have done in that situation? I would have mush the laundry up all.

Okay. And stuffed and pushed it together to hopefully kill the spider in the laundry. In the laundry, you would have put the detergent in, the fabric softener started the load. Good luck, guy. That's what I did. Good job. Mike told me no. Because now there's going to be spider guts all up in our laundry.

Was it a six-foot spider? It was a pretty decent. It was a girthy. It had some girthy. It was a big heavy. It had some weight to it. It was a big spider. That's why I was not going to try to get it out.

Are you kidding me? No. That is such a lost cause. You try to fish it out and it just keeps climbing down into piles of clothes. What are you talking about? I don't know your husband at all. We've met a couple times. Nice man.

But I guarantee you he's a man. Yeah. And I guarantee you the stuff that he's. he wipes on his jeans during the day is so much more disgusting, more weighty than whatever squeezed out of that spider's abdomen. And it's washed. And it's all soaked. And it's all going to be soaked up.

So I go, oh, no, a spider. And I already have the soap in there. So I slammed the lid. And I said, you know, see you later. See you in the next life, Spider. And I started the load. He goes, what? Now we have spider like guts and legs and spider.

body parts in our clothes. The only thing that would make this story better is if, as you're arguing, the spider comes crawling out of the lodge. You're like, whoa. Some soap sides on its head. That was close.

I today walked upstairs into my office and walked through a spider web on my face. How long has it been since you've gone into your office? Like I'm in the woods. I was there last night. spiders are quick, but I couldn't find the spider.

Maybe I'll check the laundry. There you go. I was once riding my bike, and I stopped for some reason. I'm on the sidewalk, and all of a sudden I stopped because I'm a Baba Yagas psychic gypsy, and right when I stopped, I kind of, my eyes adjusted,

and there was a massive spider web. Move. Across the entire sidewalk. You know where it was? It was right next to the little golf. little put put in Studio City on that sidewalk and a white spider as big as your fist

right in the middle. I was about to ride my bike through it. It was trying to catch you. I would have been it's lunch. If you got tangled up in there. Oh God, no, I can't. And you're, oh wow, I really can't move. And the spider starts coming towards you.

Yeah. What do you do? Do you bite it? I literally lost my mind yesterday because my plant has been growing really well behind me and the leaf looked like a person. And I jumped out of my chair and karate chopped my plant. Like I would lose my mind. If I even am startled for a second,

I do a massive dance and a massive freak out. Right. Legs, arms. Right. I'm flipping, I'm chopping people. Just freak. Because I have, we've all walked through spider webs And I will literally roll around on the floor.

Like it's a stop, drop, and roll situation. Like, I'm on fire. What is the giant white spider? Exactly. Look that up, Joey. Yeah. When you're not, when you're playing with your computer. Yeah, look up Studio City too.

Next to the golf course. Giant white spider Southern California. Massive. Let's see what she was dealing with. Oh, God, it was wearing pants and a zip up. Oh, my God. You know I'm not a fan of pets. What?

You have like a house full of cats. Critters. I do. And my wife's like, thank God that we have the animals because our daughters are now both at college. And I was like, yeah, it seems like the opposite of what I was thinking. Like the kids are gone. Wouldn't it be great if we didn't have to walk dogs?

Yeah. And she's right. You're happy that you have. It's pretty, yeah. It's kind of nice. You have these little heartbeats running around. They're needy and they're, you know, smell weird. and you throw up in places you wish they didn't.

But it is there, it is life in the house. Both are gone now. Both are gone. I'm done. The kids, you mean? The children. Yeah, I know. That's so bizarre.

It's really bizarre. That happens so fast. I think they'll be back pretty soon. Thursday. Yeah. But it is, yeah, I think she's right. Yeah, I don't know. I would, I mean, it's almost like, can you send your dogs to college too?

Like, you guys, it's time to go also. I don't know. I'd want to be just by myself. Yeah, it's hard because in the morning I'm busy. I got stuff to do, and you have to take a good 30, 35 minutes for the, letting them pee, feed them, taking them for a walk, picking up their poop, watching them sniff around. I have a real problem.

Tell me if there's something wrong with me. When I go, you have to walk the dogs. So I'm walking the dogs. And they want to smell everything. Yep. Sniff, sniff, sniff. Who was here before me? Was there a coyote?

And they both shit and I pick it up. And now it's let's return to the house. In my mind, the walks over. We just pooped. Let's go. In their mind, we're just getting started. Let us still smell. And they're pulling off to the side and they still want to sniff around.

Am I a bad person for being impatient that they still want to sniff around and I want to get back to the house? You have to remember. I had Dobermans growing up. Okay. It's like having a 17-year-old boy at a horror house. You can't just show up for 20 minutes. Right. They want to investigate what's in this room.

What is she doing? How much does this cost? Right. They are excited. Do they still have whorehouses? Of course. Of course they do. Where?

In 1987. Joey, do you go to whorehouses? You don't have a girlfriend. Did you find the spider? Joey, look up. Spiders in whorehouses. Did you find a spider? None that are like really white, you know?

No, this was a white. Maybe creamish. Creamish, okay. Are you saying that Kira is making up this story? Not at all right. No, no. Spider the size of your fist in the middle of L.A.? It seems like there was a spider the size of your fist

that's all white in Southern California. People would be talking about it. Oh, yeah. Right? We would know. We would know. All right. So you made that up.

You're going to... Joey, you don't have a girlfriend. Do you go to whorehouses? Not at the moment. No, I'm... If you wanted to, how would you go about finding it? Oh, look at this. The internet?

Yeah, I don't know. Just off the dome, I feel like there be some kind of chat that's got, you know, people... Reddit. Common interested people getting together to... Maybe that's more like an orgy, though, than a house. This conversation is getting weird. I'm old. I said Horhouse.

I want to retract my statement. And say, brothel. And say orgy. That's a younger, that's right. That's his generation. What do you mean? You can't take a kid to an orgy, their first orgy, and then expect that. That's a totally different thing.

But that's what I'm saying. I said Horhouse because I grew up with Dolly Parton. You grew up out on the planes. Right. Oh, look what I looked up. White Spider, California. And look at all the different, wow. You talk about generation.

Joey's using Bing. Yeah, what is he looking up? What browser are you using, Joey? What old phone does he have? Yeah, big. Yellow Sack Spider. Well. Old yellow sack spider.

I see those at the gym a lot. Old yellow sack. Put a towel on spider. Types of white spider. Joey, there's a thousand. There's a thousand and they're scary. And I put in California. And here's one in a bike helmet.

hiding out on Witsit by the golf course. It is Witsit. That's right. Yeah, that was nuts. Okay, you're better at this than Joey. Can you look up, um, whorehouse near me? Okay, okay. I'm going to make a list, but I don't mind.

I'm doing it for, two weeks. I still have a little sniffle. Because you're not, you're not taking them. I'm taking it. I'm doing the vitamin C till it poop it. No. I'm doing the D.

Oh, look at this. Horhouse in Van Eyes. Really? Yeah. The local whorehouse. Is that a, like a fun park? I mean, there is a place called Horhouse on TripAdvisor. Let's see what. Oh, list of brothels in Nevada.

It's got to. Well, Nevada is legal. Then there was a question on Reddit. The Bunny Ranch and all that stuff. Am I allowed to open a whorehouse in California? That's a Reddit question. I don't think you are. You are in Nevada, though.

That's the Bunny Ranch. Did the Bunny Ranch guy die? I feel like he disappeared. Remember the Bunny Ranch and they had the HBO show? They had an HBO show. He came to a show of mine in Lake Tahoe. Nice. You ever do that gig?

It's like, I think it's an improv gig, but it's like in a theater. Yes, yes. Really nice theater. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that guy who ran it, who was the host, he talks a little like Winnie the Pooh. Yeah. Yeah.

He's a great guy. Yeah. And at the end of the show, the Bunny Ranch guy was there with two of his workers, employees. And he was like, come on down to the Bunny Ranch. Yeah. I was like, no. I mean, yeah. Why not?

What? For the bit. Uh. You missed out on a great closer. The, that I stayed in the conversation for two months. minutes was high-risk activity. I'm a married man. There's nothing about, let me go with the Bunny Ranch guy.

You'd be the first married man to go to the Bunny Ranch. You're right. No. But not only let's go to the whorehouse. Let's go to the whorehouse that's outfitted with cameras for HBO. I mean, there's nothing about it. He was a very nice guy. I'm only seeing positives.

Is he alive, Joey? Do you know how the internet works? Look, you know, your sag, you get sag minimum for the day, goes towards your health insurance. I'm only seeing pluses here. Right. I'm only seeing benefits. You explain to your wife, look, I'm a comic. I got to do weird stuff sometimes, like Zipline or fall off a horse, right?

For the bit, for the story. Right. So you go down there. Okay. Think of it like it's research. All right. That's what comics have to do. do, we got to live life so you have something to pull from.

Joey, remind me to call my wife. Look, ask forgiveness, not permission. Oh. That's my motto in my marriage. I, aye, aye, I, there's, well, here's the answer. There are whorehouses everywhere. Sure. How do you find out where they are?

Because it's illegal in California. Right. But they're here. But they've got to be here. 100%. Right? The famous one in L.A. Heidi flights.

Sony Pictures. Oh, sorry. Remember? Yes. That's right. She was the madam. She was the madam. Yeah.

And when she got busted, everybody, that little black book came out and everyone was on it. Allegedly Urkel. Erkle. It was back in the 80s. It was 10. Gary Coleman allegedly. Her dad is like. Is the Bunny Ranch guy still alive?

I don't know. Have you found out yet, Joe? Yeah, he did pass. He did pass. In 2018. In 2018. God bless. From how many STDs?

So many. Riddled. No. Riddled in STDs. He died just to stop itching. Heidi Fleiss's dad is a pediatrician. Which I just thought is just so weird. Weird.

Weird. That's weird math to do. Yeah. It's like, oh, you take care of kids and your daughter takes. Is in the caring community as well? In a different way. In a different way. Yeah.

Why are we talking about whorehouses? Because when dogs, you can't stop a dog from wanting to snick around. Oh, yes. Yes. That was my analogy. So you're saying my pulling the dog back to the house. after poops is. It's kind of unrealistic.

Shortening their fun. That's right. That's right. And if I'm out there, I should let them sniff away. Yep. And do the full Monty. Everywhere. I know it's hard.

So I am a bad person. No, not a bad person. But have you thought about a dog park? Oh, my God. Now we're talking about it. Hours. Why? Now I've got to load them in a car.

Oh, I see. Bring him to the dog park. Okay. Do you not do that? Bring them back. You never do that? Clean my car. Oh.

No. No. No. Okay. Gotcha. So it's just your neighborhood. I'm just walking around the block. Gotcha.

But it's a 35 minute in the morning. 35 minutes in the morning. Yeah. I just, I have a hard time. They're just like sniffing and looking around and smell in the air and I get it. But it's, I got stuff to do. I understand. But that's their horrors.

house. You took them to a horror house and then you said, and now we got to go. So teach me how I can get through this because I have to do it every day. Yeah. Especially with my wife back in school. It's on me. So you're in my position. How do I turn this from an aggravation to something positive? How do I make this an enjoyable endeavor rather than, I can't be out there frustrated, grind. my teeth every day. So how do I change it? It just comes down in my head, right? Right. Can you bribe them with something? Yeah, food.

Yeah. What? I mean, you know, you got a treat. You got a little... Treat for what? Going back to the house? Yeah, come on. We could go back to the house. We'll nibble on a sow's ear. Well, look, getting them back to the... But you're saying I should let them... I mean, I can get them back to the house. Yeah.

tighten the leash and let's go. Right, right, right. But what if you dangle a little something? That's just more of the same. You know what I mean? Like you're saying I'm a bad guy because I'm not letting him go through the whorehouse. Right.

So when I'm out there... Yeah. It's not about controlling them. It's about getting my mind in a place where walking the dog isn't a hassle. It's a fun thing to do. Then that's on you. That's what I'm saying. How do I mentally get there?

Make the outside your whorehouse, too. So I got to sniff around? You gotta hump everything. Oh, my God. Yeah, piss on a... Joey, write down the Kira's no help. I don't think you need to write that down. We just kind of already know that.

Thanks for the croissant. You're very welcome. I'm glad you like the coffee. The coffee's great. I kept wanting to get down there, but I haven't been able to... It's cute. I like it better when you go. Oh, look.

there's a dog on the coffee. Oh, and the dog is saying, get me to the whorehouse. Is Tartoni mean dog in Italian? That's a great question. I don't think so. I would say, Joey, look it up, but what's the point? Joey, what was the last thing we asked you to look up? Dennis Hoff.

Oh, you even know his name. Whoa, he's coming in hot. Look up Tortone and see if that means dog in baloney. Oh, goodness. Joey's anxiety. What's going on? I'm using Joey as an example of a generation. He's a little old for it, actually.

But he's still anxious. There are kids that are going to college now who have been raised on phones and being inundated with horrible news. Climate, different forms of anxiety, wars, pandemics, politics,

red state, blue state, they can't get away from it. When I was a kid, the news was something that occupied my father for a half hour around 6.30. And that was the only, I didn't care.

I didn't know what was going on at all. It had to be something really big. So we got to grow up just being a kid and worried about your own stuff. These kids are inundated with adult level stuff nonstop. And we have to deal with it too. Like you have to consciously, you know, manage how much you're going to digest,

balanced off with how crazy you're going to get. Now this whole generation is going in and, you know, because we drop my daughter off, There's all of these other kids that are being dropped off. And Maureen Down wrote about it in The New York Times. There's all these things going on that everybody is keenly aware. These kids are nervous. There is anxiety at a level of that poor things. They've been raised with these devices.

And it's in their face constantly. And it's made them a wreck. Is there any way to come back from it? Or are kids just going to be parallel? with fear? You know, I think that the unfortunate part of, you know, having all the social media that kids have and the access to everything, everything in the world.

White spiders. White spiders from California, which are real, is we're just going to have to adjust and know that they are just going to be a different type of humans. I think what we do, unfortunately, is we're always like, well, when I was a kid, you know, I played in a shit pipe and that was enough for us, right? That is just not the reality anymore. We can't try to shoehorn it in. We just can't.

I tell my husband and I are constantly doing them when I was a kid. Yeah. You know, and we did this and we didn't have this. And I go, we cannot even say that anymore. It's ridiculous. I mean, I wouldn't want my parents to be like, well, in the social. Soviet Union when I was growing up, I'd be like, shut up. Yeah.

You know, I live in America. You know, I'm having a different childhood than you. And you have to deal with it. Unfortunately, they need our support. But they're not going to be like us, unfortunately, where we could slowly get the news just one hour. Like you were saying, it was a half hour a day, one hour a day. Yeah. Even when the 24-hour news cycle happened, they regurgitated so much, and it still wasn't as crazy as it is now.

No, because you had one camera at the news story. Yeah. And so we're going to, we have to kind of change to support our kids. They're not going to change. So if you're not saying, well, you know, in my day, then you're, you're, really just listening to them about their day. Unfortunately, yes. So when Joey has anxiety

and can't find a white spider on the internet, we support him by saying, I understand Joey. It's a lot to ask of you. But when Joey thinks that the whole world is coming to an end. Yeah. Which is what a lot of these kids feel.

We're seeing these climate stories nonstop. Yeah. And they think the world's not coming to an end on their watch. It's not. It's not going to. But they feel it. Yeah. So, okay, I listen to them.

Right. And they go, oh, my God, what's the point? Yeah. And, you know, my daughter's friends in college are like, why have kids? That kind of level. Sure. One of my friends said that for her, and she's our age, she said for her, the thing that calmed her down about the state of the world was when her mother would tell stories about the civil rights era in America. And she wasn't saying it as an example of back in my day.

She was just saying there was a time in this country. when the Kennedys were shot, Martin Luther King was shot, Malcolm X was shot, we really thought things were riots in the street. They weren't, not as an example of, she was just telling the stories of their tumultuous times, calm my friend down, and you start to realize, oh, this stuff has been happening. There's always chaos. There's always something. Right, that there was always something.

And for her, it just calmed. her down about today. So maybe... We have to teach our kids how to take everything, all this noise that they see all the time, right? Everything's coming at them. Yeah. And just take like one step at a time.

Just do what you can do right now in this moment. Like during COVID, my kids gave me probably the biggest compliment of my motherhood life, which was they said you made it seem like, I mean, we were in lockdown. Yeah. But I would take them, we would drive an hour to Ventura County where the beaches were open

so that we weren't just sitting in our house huddled in fear. And just like one day, okay, so today. So wait, what was the compliment that your kids gave you? They didn't feel the stress of COVID. Uh-huh. I mean, they did because everyone felt it. but when they talked to their friends and their friends were like, oh no, we got food delivered every day and we never left the house.

During the really height, height of it, I mean, I think I told you this. I broke into our golf course across the street from our house. And I was like, we are running and escaping. And I tried to make it as, you know, like it's still there. Yeah. It's all around us. Right.

But try to find like some little glit. of hope and we did not feel as scared or or if they were like am i going to kill grandma i'd be like absolutely not absolutely not now when you start driving maybe yeah you know what i mean because we all are about think we're going to die when 16 year old start driving um but that honestly it's the only thing you can do yeah so they feel the stress of the world and climate change and you can tell them and this is true, and even climate change people say this, that the earth has been hotter even than it is now. And it's going to be okay. Right. And we're going to do our best. Right. And if every person in the United States of America got a Tesla tomorrow, but nobody in China or India got one, it wouldn't

matter. Right. It really doesn't matter. Like even if we all just, you know, rode our bicycles everywhere. China and India, if they don't comply, it's not going to make a difference. My daughter sometimes says, looking back on her childhood, she will say things like she didn't want to, she wanted to, she didn't want to go to gymnastics, say, and was going to quit gymnastics. And I don't think this isn't really accurate, but I'll use it as an example.

she didn't want to go to gymnastics anymore she wanted to quit gymnastics and after fighting and tearing you know the house apart she completed her year and just and didn't go back and then now as an adult she's like why didn't you make me go and there is that perspective that they have of why didn't you make me stay home and not go to that party? Why didn't you discipline me more at these different times? Really? You're saying that to you now? Yeah.

Mm. And it really shows that like we need like rules and we need to be it helps us. It calms us down. Yeah. Should there be rules of what kids can access on their phones? Absolutely. And do you think it's an individual parent thing Or do you think that it should be something that

If the government can turn off TikTok in Montana Did they? Yeah. Wow. And they're fighting about it. There's got to be ways that we could limit what our kids see. You know my 12-year-old has a phone And it literally is only a phone.

Right. No internet. No, there's. No apps. Zero. Yeah. And I took his phone away this morning when I dropped him off at school. I was like, we got into a thing and I said, you know what?

Unfortunately, I have to take your phone. Nice. Because here's what they're doing. Do you cry? Nope. Nope. He was pissed. He had a sour puss on his face.

But here's what they're doing. Because my kid has no video games on his phone and no apps and nothing. It's just like Joey on the internet. You can text. Right. And you can call. They do this thing where they get someone's phone number and they text and they say there's someone else. And they do this whole, hey, how's it going?

And then the person responds, who's this? And then, you know, let's say my son responds, well, who's this? Who are you? Well, you texted me first. And it's like a game. They think it's funny and they think it's hilarious. And I told him this morning because I told him I'm monitoring everything. Right.

I am big brother. and I will look at everything. And I told him, that's not why we got you a phone for you to harass kids. Oh, he was doing it. They're all doing it. They're all, they do it to him. Yeah. It's a new school year.

So nobody knows anyone's phone number. So I told him absolutely not. Yeah. And instead of saying, okay, I hear you, that's the rule. Yeah. He had a whole, you know what I mean? He was like the used car lot blow up doll. Yeah.

And I'm just like, this is the rule. Do you understand and accept the rule? Right. And if you don't, then I have your phone for the day. And I took it. Good. So we'll see if when he's 21 years old, he says thank you. Probably not.

He will. Yeah. My sister was super strict with my nephew's video games and all this stuff. And they're grateful. Really? They hated it. They couldn't stand it. when they were kids.

Everyone else was gaming and doing all this stuff. And same thing with what you've been doing. Yeah. And they are. They're all grateful that it went down. How old are they now? 30 to 24. Oh, okay.

Yeah, no. It, it sucks along the way. It does suck because you're the bad guy. Yeah. But it really does. They're better off for it. And, but what we're talking about is, we're talking about is parenting and helping the kids kind of just navigate through. But really quickly, just to go really quickly back to your point.

Yes, should parents prohibit things? Absolutely. Because you know what? I prohibit my kid from seeing all the horrors of the world. Yeah. But some other kid, his parents are like, sure, have at it. And then that schmucky kid shows my kid all the horrors of the world on their phone. Yeah.

And so really am I really protecting them? Answer is no. Yes, you are. Do you want to know why? Why? Because you are spelling out to them where the line is. Okay. You're defining the world for them.

And you're saying, once you cross this, you're in bad territory. Here's what's acceptable. Here's what is a good life for you. When you go outside of it, for whatever. reason for the internet for drinking for being with bad kids they will carry mom knows mom told me that one step further i'm going into the bad territory yeah and that is that you've given them structure and they will cross and they will go over the line but they will be conscious of your mean face telling them not to and that will help them

make decisions as they go through. Remember, this is the same kid that opens up the shower curtain and yells at me that I'm naked. Ew. Yeah. And he knows when he goes to college, don't pull the shower curtain on the girl in the thing. Oh, God, please. But that is, honestly, that is what you're doing. Okay, I like that answer.

Yeah. I like you. That makes me feel good. You're building the structure of what a good life is. It's weird how you can be so helpful with your children and no help to me. Oh my God. Maybe I had COVID. Who knows?

Everyone's got it. You did not have COVID. Two weeks of still like, hmm-hmm. Yeah, because you're not taking the things. Honk. Honk. You're not. That's exactly why you still.

I hope you did have COVID. You do? Because you're not taking vitamin C until you shit your pants. I have to do an ad now for Caldera Lab. I love Caldera Lab. But my daughter went to school and she left behind a lot of her ADHD medication. Uh-oh. You've been snorting it.

I want to take it and see what happens. No. Why? Don't. Tom Cruise wouldn't like it. Caldera Lab. Thank you guys for being here. They sent me a whole bunch of their products.

I got the moisturizer. My favorites, truth be told. There's a cleanser, which I decided I'm going to leave that in the shower and do it while I'm in there. because like I don't just roll up and do my face exclusively. It's got to be with the rest of the shenanigans that's going on. But their moisturizers really good, and they have this thing that I desperately need, this eye serum. Like I had to do a podcast even before this one from home.

And it was really early. Just for you at home, Kira makes us do this at 7 a.m. That's not true. It's pretty close. No. Joey, what time does it feel like to you? Sorry, Slo. About the real time, the regular time it is.

Yeah, regular human time. But nice try. Joey knows where's bread is buttered. Apparently he doesn't. They've got this great eye serum that you put under and it makes people think you're awake and not dying. I told you guys last time around that the first impressions matter. Your teeth, your skin are the first thing someone

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Yeah. I always always, at least, moisturize. Yes. And I'll brush a tooth now and again. Does Mike do work on his face? He'll put moisturizer on, yeah. That's good. Some of their products, the regimen includes three products,

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It feels like it's a better product. It should take care of your face. Even if, now here's a good thing. If I, I'm going to grow my beard out. Mm. And if you say you don't look like a creepo, then I only have to put the Caldera Lab in on my cheeks. Right there.

Just right there. That's it. That's it. So my husband's beard grows in like Wolfman Jack. Remember Wolfman Jack? That's what I wanted to do. I did a movie and I grew sideburns for it. You do one of your specials you had sideburns.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, that was great. And they're gray now. That's fine. That's okay. I feel like I'm a sideburn guy more than a beard guy. No, I bet it looks good, like all kind of grisly and crusty. Like, I've been living in a cabin.

The feds are after me. And I make my own molasses. It'll be interesting. I think that'll be cool. You should do it. But also check with your wife. You know, she's your supervisor. I think she doesn't mind it.

What rattles around in my head is, maybe it was during the pandemic or something. My father was like, ugh, when I had a little beardy going on. Really? My father was like, nope. But is he a clean-shaven guy? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, for the most part.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's one of those, like, wake up every morning and shave. Isn't it funny? It just takes one person saying something, and you're like, ooh, right? That's right. Well, I'm saying it. I'm one person. I'm saying I bet it'll look good.

Let's talk about your beard. Oh, I have one. I really do. But good news for me, mine's also coming in gray. Oh, good. So you can't see it as much. Oh. Right?

There's a plus. I think I've told you this. I have ear hair because when I was a 16-year-old boy, Alphio, the Italian barber, put shaving cream on my ears and took a straight edge and shaved my ears, like the outer rim. And I had never been shaved in a barbershop before, and I was like, I guess this is what they do. No. It is not what they do. And now I have barbarous, is that a word?

But you have a good, it's all trimmed up. Your ears are fine. I have to do it every day. Oy ve. Yes. Or otherwise, it's a situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, my dad has...

Could I laser that? No, don't do that. Could I wax it? No, it's going to be so painful. Do not do that. So I just got to shave my ears to the end of my days? I'm going to assume your ear is like most labias. Go on.

I mean, it's going to be really sensitive. If you wax it, it's probably... What about lazor? Do you laser anything? No. I never got into the laser thing. Because laser is they shoot gamma rays and then it doesn't grow back for a while. For a while.

It can. But I did it once and it was so painful, intensely on the labias. Sorry. We'll call them my lower ears. Is that better? Crotch ears. On my crotch ears. And it was before I had kids, so maybe I didn't understand pain yet.

I ran out of there with half a lavea. It looked like it was undercover. Like it was like hiding in the shadows. And then I was awful. And I was like, no more. What made you do it? Because it was the craze. It was probably like 15 years ago when everyone was doing it.

And there were shops all over. Can I ask you a question? Of course. Because you talk about it in your act also about the amount of hair that a, a woman has and you do it geographically like L.A. No, I do it time periods. Time periods? Yeah.

Don't you say L.A. also? Oh, L.A. it's not allowed. Yeah. Does that all come from porn? Like, do the fads of that, of how much hair we have? Because where else do you see it? Well, let's ask the young guy who probably watched porn this morning. Joey.

Joe, Joseph. You live on porn. because you don't have a girlfriend and don't know where whorehouses are. On the way here in your car. Right now. Do what? Do pubes matter? To pubes matter.

That's the question. Tom is too polite to say the words. Well, I thought you were starting to ask, did porn lead the trends? I think the trends of not having hair, I think porn followed whatever in real life or we decided, like, we don't want hair. But then who decides? If we're all just online at the bank, how do you know? Yeah, I don't know. Like, if I see people walking around in Nikes, all right, we're all wearing Nikes now.

Right. No, I don't think it's the people that decided. I think it's the professionals. They decided this is what we want you to see. And then people were like, oh, well, they must know things. Right. So I want to, you know, be trendy. But, yeah.

That being said. Is there a boy pub trend? Yeah. There is? None. What is it? None. None?

Zero. Zero? Mm-hmm. Not in my house. Yeah. Zero. Zero. That's the, yeah.

We did have a sponsor once that was all about getting rid of it. Oh. For something. Don't say it. Will you cut that at? Now you got to. Now you have more work to do. We can cut that.

I like how we didn't have to cut whorehouse or pubs, but a sponsor's name, how dare you? I, you know, here's the thing. I had a bunch of kids over at our house the other day and jumped in the pool

and I was like, oh boy, I got to get in the pool. Right. And I took me half an hour just to get ready. Because I don't want to traumatize these children. And I just, I'm just there.

like the Swedish chef you know what I mean with like razors I had like five razors going at once it's everything it's all of it's all of it yeah I'm just like I get it you know and they're like my daughter's like mommy are you I'm like I will be

right there I have to prepare you didn't want anything I don't want anything anything anything I got leg hair I got everything all of it all of it's happening at once you think the kids care I care You care. I care.

Yeah. You know. I have a speedo. That's amazing. Good for you. And now that my kids are out of the house. Yeah. I don't even need it.

I mean, I, you know, yeah, maybe I might traumatize one or two. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to do that. No. Also, my kids are like, I can see your armpit hair. I go, well, then why are you looking? Wait, do you ever follow that trend when you were in college or anything? You didn't go to that kind of a school really.

No. The women armpit hair? Absolutely not. No. No. That's why my parents left that country to give me a better future. No, absolutely not. No armpit hair.

Yeah. But it can get out of hand if I forget. I don't like it on men. Why would I like it on a lady? Oh, I don't mind it on men. Okay, can I tell you something gross? And I know we just touched hands. Yes.

I, this, maybe I shouldn't. Do it. I shouldn't. Do it. I like my husband's pits. Love them. Why did I tell her to do it? Love it.

I love it. You love the look of it or the smell of it? All of it. All of it. I think it's hilarious. Hilarious or erotic? They're so crazy looking. No, not erotic.

Oh, you're not turned on by it. No, I mean, it's fine. It doesn't bother me. But I'm just, it's so funny to me. It looks like such an explosion. It's just fun. I don't mind it. I'm just like, ah, what's happening?

in here. It's like a little doggy. You know? He's got two pets under his arms. And it doesn't, like the smell doesn't bother me at all. Zero. Yeah, I'm not bothered by that. I think it's so funny. Yeah. I love it. Well. And I make my kids smell my pits. Why? Because they'll be like, ew, what's that smell? I'm like, it's not me. Come and I make them, I go smell my pits. Is this the real reason why you don't allow your kids to have phones with internet access? Exactly. They can't Google. Does your mom make you do this? What's a normal mom like?

What's a normal mom? I told them many years ago, you don't have a normal mom. And that's going to be your thing. Everyone has their thing. And that's your thing. Is Mike mad that we're going on the road every day this month? No. Every weekend?

No. He's happy when you leave? Do you know how much my mom costs me? She's more expensive than my kids. Your mom? Yeah. Because of her facility. Yes.

Thousands, thousands. Thousands, thousands. Really? Every month. Every month. All on you. All on me. There's no one else.

Me. So, yeah, when I'm like, hey, here's my schedule for this month. He's like, good. Good riddance. Get out of here. Go get some grandma money. Yeah. That's good.

Yeah, caring for old people is a man. What a scam. Man, that's the business to get into. We should just rent out like two rooms for old people at our house. 100% I have pitched this idea to so many people. Yeah. First of all, they pay the workers, the caretakers, almost minimum wage. Yeah.

Which is horrible, horrendous. Yeah. And they're racking in, if they have six tenants, 60 grand a month. Whoa. Mm-hmm. A month. A month. Jeez.

Yeah. It's such a crazy business. Is the money worth the smell? No. That's the problem. The smell is horrible. I didn't want to talk about it and I told myself I wasn't going to talk about it. But it's, I'll just say it just to get it out.

Okay. You saw that story about the plane that had to land out of Atlanta? No. Because there was a biohazard on the plane. Oh my God. Is that what they call old people now? That's what they called diarrhea that was coming out of some guy's butt or ladies. but I don't know.

What? In the explosive diarrhea to the point where the pilot's like, we have to make a landing. There is a biohazard on board. Oh my God. You saw that story, right? Wait a second. I did.

Yeah. As they're flying. Huh? As they're flying, this happens in the air. In the air, they're going along. Somebody waddles to the bathroom and has such explosive diarrhea that they had to land the plane. That person took enough vitamin C. that person doesn't have a stuff he knows.

Everybody else wishes they had a stuff he knows. But if it was just in the bathroom, that was enough of a biohazard? Do they make it to the bathroom? No, not beyond that. Not beyond that. You really didn't have to read more. Yeah, you got the story.

Here you start asking the questions. But basically, you know, sometimes people do horrible things. It's like, whoof, this was probably just shooting everywhere and smelling everywhere and didn't stop. and they're like, we've got to get it. We got to land this plane. Oh my God. I am at a loss for words.

I'm at a loss for words. I didn't really want to dive too deep. Delta diverts flight headed to Spain. Is that what? Four hours ago. Explosive diarrhea grounds Delta flight. Yeah. Is that the one you're talking about?

I hope so. Is there more than one? Diarrhea all over. Oh, so. So, oh, it ran through the plane. plane. Isn't it cute? What do you mean it ran through the plane?

Isn't it cute in other countries spelled diarrhea with like an H and an O and an E and an A? I couldn't spell diarrhea. That's the cute way. Oh, Canadians. Yeah, it was a plane to Barcelona was forced to turn around. The diarrhea was declared a biohaz because it was running down the aisle. So it filled up the toilet to the point where... No, no, they didn't make it to the toilet.

Oh, they just... Like a skunk. No, I think it was in their seat. Oh, they never got to the bathroom. No. All the way. The traveler had diarrhea all the way through the plane. Oh, so start him going to the bathroom and it just happened.

That's the nature of diarrhea, guys. I mean, I'm not trying to give this person and out. What was that kid thing? Ooh. Ah. Oh, when I make it to the first and if I got a burst diarrhea, that one? Yeah, yeah. What was it?

I like how someone who don't want to bring up diarrhea is like, now let's sing a song about it. This is the problem with guys talking about anything, farts or duty. Once you start, you can't stop. No. Do you guys even want to know what happened? Someone got up out of their seat and slid on. Vacation ruined. Oh, my God.

Someone described it like total Tommy and Jerry stuff. Like people were sliding all around. Oh. My gosh, this is terrible. Could you imagine the flight attendant explaining that to the pilot? Like, we're going to have to land. I'm sorry, what? Someone just had diarrhea.

What? People are falling and sliding down the aisle. It was dribbling down the aisle. And they sprayed a vanilla disinfectant, and it made it worse. They made it worse. A lot of times I'll be in a candle shop. and I'll get the vanilla diarrhea candle. And it's not as good as just the plain diarrhea one.

I mean, look, how bad must this person feel? Not only did they obviously eat a bad airplane, airport burrito. What's your guess on the age? It could be anyone. I think it's old. You think it's an older person? I don't know. I kind of want to guess young.

I want to guess like a... Why? Because the... Young would have gotten to the bathroom. No, you have hubris, hubris, hubris, hebris, hebris. However you pronounce it. You're like, I'm fine. I can control this.

But Mother Nature has other plans in mind. Well, I think it's that. And what you were saying, like the anxiety, you know, like, oh, I'm in the window seat. I don't really want to ask this person to move for me yet. And then you shit yourself on the way out. And also, you take off and you feel like you got to do it. but you can't get out of your seat for 20 minutes. They yell at you, yeah.

You and I were on a flight once where I had to pee really badly. And I was looking at the flight attendant, and they were like, sorry, you can't get up. And I was like, I will burst. You have to. And I was on a flight with you once on a small plane. Yeah. And I was in the bathroom and there was massive turbulence.

And they told me, do not exit the bathroom. And there was a seatbelt on the toilet. And so I was sitting. Which I don't sit on airplane toilets. Yeah. You hover. You hover. And so I put the lid down and I sat there and I had to buckle in.

And we were like, it's like like a cat just like a little ball of yarn. Where is she? Yeah. Oh, Tom's like has his book out. It's taking a while. You know, he's wearing his like nice leather shoes that he travels in. And meanwhile, I'm getting bounced around in this toilet. And they told me they were like, do not.

Exit the toilet. You want to know a fun fact about me? Yeah. Have never pooped on a plane. Why would you? Well, apparently it's what people do. No. No, I don't.

You haven't either. Not once. Why? I don't know. Some people, apparently, I've said this fact to other people and everyone's like, well, you've got to be kidding. I mean, look, maybe on an international flight. Because 15 hours, I mean, would you get?

Oh, wow. My body won't let me do it until I get back. home. No. You know that's why my husband never went to summer camp. They sent him to sleepaway camp once. He didn't go to the bathroom for four days. Yeah.

And he was like, I have to come home. I'm not pooping anywhere. I mean, that's insane to me. Yeah. It is insane. No, you just have to. I mean, can I tell you another story? This is what happens.

Diarrhea just unleashes. This is not a poop story. Okay. I was shooting a commercial. Yeah. Diary. No. For, it was a California.gov, like, commercial.

Yeah. But it was like, it paid me really well. This is a while ago, but it was like really well paid. Like, oh, this is really good. And we were shooting in Griffith Park. Okay. And, you know, it wasn't like huge budget, but it was decent. You know, we had a huge crew.

And there was a bear in the world. evolved. The California bear was in the commercial. Like it. You see, you're still working? Yeah, well, the strike. The bear is on strike, yeah. But all of a sudden I was like, oh, wait a second. I have to pee. Yeah.

And there's nowhere to pee. We're up in the mountains. Right. In Griffith Park. Yeah. And I realized, oh, I'm going to pee in the woods. So I tell the AD. And I tell the direct, I tell everybody, hey, you know, I got a pee.

10, 100. They were like, where? And I said, well, you tell me. Because do you have like a secret trailer I don't know about or where is the bear pee? Yeah. And they said, oh, we didn't even think about that. Okay, well, it's going to happen. This is why they're unions.

100%. And I just went off into the woods in full. hair and makeup. Yep. Mic up. Mic up. Oh, I turn the mic off every time. I do not forget about that.

And, you know, sitting. I leave the mic on. Yeah. Again, you're a dude. I feel like if they want to listen to this, that's on them. Yeah. And as a dude, that is exactly the right attitude to have. But I turn mine off.

And I'm in the, and I'm like, the bear isn't even peeing in the woods right now. And I'm only human in this. And I am pissing in the woods. You're saying this like, this is the first time you did that. It's not. It's the first time I did it, quote, on set. Right. Or as a working actor.

Right. And this was, by the way, we traveled with this commercial because it's the California bear. So we're up in like we were. And they have money. That is ridiculous. And I pissed on my shoes. I was really, I was not happy. But I mean, what am I going to do?

I think, just to put a bow on it, I think it was an old person who couldn't walk down the aisle and was propelled by its lava shooting out of its butt. With the candlestick in the library. If they're doing it down the aisle, there's. They didn't make it. And they're not wearing jeans. Oh, is jeans the protective? It's somewhat of a diaper. I think it's a lady.

I think it's a lady. in a house old lady house dress like one of those it's like really light fabric and just the whole way this is an elderly thing i'm gonna say a guy in his 50s uh-huh in shorts okay yeah another reason not to wear shorts in public yeah i'll say a guy in his 20s short medium build brown hair sounds like you want to date him sounds like you're describing yourself Yeah. Let's make a note to find out this information, and we'll deal with it when we come back right after this. No, we don't have another commercial, but we are ending the podcast.

And we'll find out. I love how this podcast started as dealing with some serious issues. Some great culinary treats that are found, and now we're down to diarrhea. You only have yourself to blame, Tom. It was too, it was unavoid. it's too big of a story. I'm glad you told me. I learned about it.

Yeah. Can't wait to tell my wife about it. She's on a plane right now. Hopefully, not causing another problem for the other people. Thank you to Caldera Lab. Thank you, Kira. Thank you. We are going, when this airs,

we are going to Texas. And then we are going to San Francisco, the Performing Arts Center, and Salt Lake City. King something or other place. Get ready for a lot of Russians at the Palace of Fine Arts. Oh, yeah. Are you going to be okay with that?

You say that every time we perform up there, I never really notice until the green room. There will be. No, they came out. They came out to those Cobb shows. You're like your fans or your family? Both. Right.

Yeah. Because I got to meet. Like an aunt. Yeah, your aunt's best friend of aunt situation. and yeah, I love that. Okay. Stras beauty. Don't ever do that again.

Desvadagna. Thesvadana is better. That means goodbye. Desvadaña. Desvadaña. You got to show you.