Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 175 - Strange Beds

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

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Hey! Don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey! Welcome everybody to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I am Tom Papa, and you are? I'm not Tom Papa. Ah, Kira Soltanovitch.

Thank you for being here. We have a wonderful show for you today. We're just hot off the road. Really hot. We even brought four ounce with us. We were just in San Francisco and Salt Lake City, and we have a lot to report about. Surprise Joe is actually here.

He was at McDonald's right before the show. We'd like to thank the good people at hexclad. Hexclad.com. They sent me these amazing pots and pans. Gorgeous, beautiful. So perfect. I mean, this is, you talk about a sponsor that is made for this podcast.

Yeah. Oh, especially with my wife having fits every time I take out one of our pans and it has the coating peeling off. Yeah, no. And she yells that we're getting sick from it. No, it's poisoning you for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Hexclad.

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Thank you, Hexclad. Good to see you. We just literally just left each day. other yesterday morning. Was it yesterday? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And boy did my kids put me to work. Immediately. I, my eight-year-old greeted me with a scavenger hunt throughout the house. She thought it'd be fun to create a scavenger hunt. But they're not like clues. She just tells me where to go. Mommy, this is where you put food to be cold. So it's not like I have to figure it out. She just sent me around the house.

I have to say, I love your kids are eight and 12. I really am enjoying when we're on the road and you're getting the calls from your husband and the kids are calling. And I look over on the plane and see you scrolling through. uh, Amazon to, and you're looking for cups and things. And now that my kids are in school, yeah. I really enjoy hearing all of the family stuff in a family with eight and 12 year olds. It's just like, it's, don't take this a wrong way, but it's, when I'm on a plane sometimes, and when I was younger and I'd hear a baby cry, it would really annoy me.

And then once I became a father and I hear a baby crying and I hear the noise and it's not mine, I really enjoy it. Right. And not that yours is always annoying, it's a lot of joyful stuff going on. Yes. But I love hearing all of the chaos, all of the fun stuff, all of the aggravating stuff. It's just, it's a delight because it's a war that I survived. You did survive it And then you get to just laugh

And giggle at someone else who's in the middle Fighting it Exactly, that's exactly well put Yeah and I get it And I You know My My kids

So my kids are very You know Used to me traveling of course Yeah They're so used to it but they still It's a shock Kind of like when your wife at a restaurant Is shocked

Yeah So like They are always they know my job, they know what goes into my job, and yet every time they are surprised. You're telling jokes. Surprise that you're leaving? Always.

And it's hilarious to watch. It's hilarious because they're like, what? This is news. Is this your first day of being a comedian? So when I come home, it is a parade. Right. It is like, frant-t-t-t-t-tam. Oh, I have a picture here.

They made me, they had set up. up an entire Nerf gun obstacle course. They knew I was coming home, because I called them from LAX, and they set up and immediately threw me in. It's always going to give them the pre-call. Threw me in. Right away, I was in war.

I had not even taken my shoes off. I had not, I didn't even, I mean, this is, okay, here we go. We can't show this, right, Joey? This is exactly what I did five minutes after stepping into the, let me see. Into the house. You have goggles on and you're holding Nerf guns. A fort.

Wow. A blanket fort. She looks hardcore. Immediately they were like, you're at war. And they shoved me into a fort. They made up on the couch. And then I had a scavenger hunt. Oh, my God.

And then we played Trivial Pursuit. That's so funny. So it's very, like, I'm thrown back into motherhood immediately. There's no, like, I'll get up my feet up. Yeah. And maybe just relax. I'm going to have some coffee. Yeah, I'll get out of these airplane clothes.

I hate airplane clothes. Yeah. I cannot stand airplane clothes. Yeah, it's pretty rough, especially when we busted out of Salt Lake City at six in the morning. Yeah. So you're just wearing the clothes you wore the day before. I did shower yesterday just to kind of like wake myself up for a second. In the morning? Yeah.

Look at you fancy. Just to be conscious. Yeah. But most of the time you don't. you're just kind of like, you just go. Joey actually came along. He was helping us. We finally got the books going at the shows.

We were doing some book signings and stuff, and Joey was running all over, running the whole thing. And by the time we got to Salt Lake City, he admitted, I stink. I can't, I've been sweating, I've been working, I haven't showered, I can't go get food with you

because I smell like an ass. Does his hotel rooms come with the shower? Or is he staying like a youth hostel. Oh, you're wondering why, like in San Francisco he didn't shower? Yeah, you could have, right, Joey? You had opportunities. Good question. Yeah, they just post me up in the lobby.

No shower, no access to resources. I paid good money for you to be in a nice hotel room. No, it was nice. Well, he also went out partying. Yeah, he did. So he had that party sweat. He was like, yeah, alcohol coming through the pores. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was with his homies in San Francisco. He worked hard. And then, yeah, when you have a drinking problem, hygiene isn't usually. No, and then all that unprotected sex, you know, really kind of leaves a film on you. Yeah. Yeah. So good thing we didn't go to lunch.

Joey. Airplane clothes. Yeah, you got to shut them. You can't really. No, I don't want to even sit on my couch with airplane clothes. Yeah. And I try to explain this to my kids, and they were like, get in the fort. And armed me with goggles.

At least they were safe. They did have goggles ready. And thousands of Nerf bullets that I will find in the vents in a couple of weeks. Can I tell you some advice that was given to me when I was in, the throes of family life. It was Tony Camacho, who was a Booker in the East Coast, right? Great guy.

And he gave me advice, but I may not, I'm curious if it pertains to you. But his advice was, you're on the road a lot, and you're leaving your wife with the kids at home a lot. When you come home after, being away,

make sure you kiss your wife before you kiss the kids. So the kids would come running out and be like Dad, and they want to go, whatever. And to the person who is on the clock, acknowledge them, give them a hug and a kiss, and then you can go play in the fort.

That's good advice. Does that advice work? You think it's good advice for you with the mom's coming home, not dad's coming home? I think it's probably different. I don't know. I feel like sometimes we don't give dads, you know, because Mike spends a lot of time with the kids.

Yeah. And I don't know if he has the same, and don't take this the wrong way, women, but there is a little bit of a female resentment that maybe men don't have the same kind of resentment. Like you're out there working and you're out there on the road. He doesn't, I don't think. He doesn't have that.

I don't know. I should probably ask him. I doubt he does. I think that's pretty accurate. That's why I married him. Yeah. I dated so many guys who had such a problem. Uh-huh.

Such a problem. What with being with a comedian? I just, I would say, the comedy store is more important to mount a Friday night than you are. And if you're not okay with that, we can't be together. Right. And we would break up. Right.

It was literally like it was one sentence. I've never broken up so easily with people ever before stand-up, right? You have the hem and ha, it's not me, it's you, it's not you, it's me. With stand-up, I was like, so I will always choose a set over you. Right. And Mike was the first guy, I was like, I don't care. Right. And I was like, all right, I'll marry you.

Like, at our first date, I was like, fine. There's also the thing when you come back off the road, he's not, The dad being at home with the kids all weekend is different than the mom being at home with the kids all weekend. It's more emotionally taxing on the mom. 100%. Because she cares about the children so much more. Yes. Than the dad.

Yeah. The dad is great. Dad is doing everything he's got to do, loves the kids to death. It's just at a different level. He's not emotionally. drained. He's aggravated, but he's not emotionally drained like the mom.

He was digging holes in our backyard on Saturday. By himself? I think he asked the 12 year old for help, but that's... Why was he digging holes? Because he's putting in new trees. Oh, okay. So he's digging holes. Okay. So if I was free on a Saturday, right. I'm packing the kids up with a tent in case we go to the beach and picnic and food

and a frisbee, and I'm like, I'm taking you guys on an adventure. Right. And Mike takes them to Home Depot. Right. And that's it. And then he digs the hole. And then he's digging. And then he's, you know, cranky because he's like, bring me the, you know, the green bin.

And help me out. And he's, you know, he's watching them. But he's. So when they're starting the, when they're setting up for the Nerf thing, the Nerf war. They would never expect Mike to do a Nerf war. Mike is there while they're doing it. They're getting it all. already, but there's no part of them that's like, we'll just get dad into the Nerf thing.

Absolutely not. Yeah, there's a difference. First of all, he can't fit in a fort. Let's be honest. He's so fat. I mean, I haven't seen him in a while, but the guy packs on. You know what? He did lose about 20 pounds.

I know. It's pretty wild. I actually don't even remember what size it was. He could lose another 20. Really? No, I'm kidding. He's a chubster? No, he's just, you know.

chubby in your house when you don't eat food listen i eat so much food you don't how dare you well you didn't see me at that steakhouse yeah that was kind of intimidating we're on the road and uh we didn't eat a lot this this weekend uh we didn't eat after the shows well you guys did you guys went off partying uh i didn't really eat that much so when we got to salt lake city i was like i guess we'll just go get some lunch and you got kind of quiet. And I could tell something was a miss. And then she's like, no, I'll just go. You can do what you're going to do.

I was like, but I thought we'd all go get some food. And Joey was like, yeah, because who's going to buy me something? And you were like, no, I'm just going to go to a steakhouse. I need some steak and I don't want to show you what's going to happen there. And then it was kind of late. It was like three. And I was like, yeah, I just need something in the room real quick. I don't want to go deal with waiters and an restaurant two hours before sound check.

So I said to Kira, all right, you just go. I'm going to do it. Before I could even explain myself, you were like, okay, good. Okay, bye. And then you went off to a steakhouse two hours before the show by yourself. Look, I don't, you know, in Shrek, when Feud. Fiona turns into an ogre. Yes.

I don't want you to see me that way. I just want to have that time with a big, massive 16-ounce rib-eye. Uh-huh. Medium rare. Right. Just salt and pepper. Right. And I sat in this booth and I watched some old Ted Lasso.

On your phone? On my phone. And there were these massive guys, as big as this. table sitting in the booth across from me and they looked at me and they I don't know I might be Miss America to them like these huge Utah like you know just hunters they're wearing camo you know what I mean like they just came from killing the steak that they're eating and they looked to me like you are our hero and I just sat and 16 ounces isn't even that big but it's four joys it's for some of us yeah exactly some of us is big I know Joseph you're gonna get there one day

And I just, you know, I don't need you to see that. I want you to think of me as like someone who sips a cappuccino. Mm-hmm. You know, like real delicate, like a flour. Like a flower. Yeah. Well, not to dispel what you think I think of you. But I see you more as the steak person than the...

Than the delicate flower. Yeah. But that's what you see in your mind. We went for a steak somewhere. We did. Yeah, we went. Where were we? Gosh.

Spokane, Salem. Do we get steaks there? Yeah, remember after the show, we walked down that alley. Yes. Right? That was in Salem. That was delicious. That was amazing.

That was a good steak. But again, I sat delicately and I just cut little pieces. You know, when it's just me in a steakhouse with four guys wearing camo, it's just a fork and then the whole steak. From the time I put the steak out on the table. Two and a half minutes. Two and a half minutes. Half minutes. Inhaled it.

Back to the room. Good. Probably before I was back from the grocery store with my hummus. For sure. Yeah. Aw, you got hummus? But you were tired. I didn't have my pre-show coffee.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. The pre-show coffee is such a... It makes a difference. Yeah, it really does. Yeah. I was trying to...

There's green tea in my rider. And I was like, well, that has some caffeine. I'll just have that. That's kind of healthy. No. It's not the same. No. It's like getting a hand job when you want to go to an orgy.

Right. I mean, there's a big difference. You're like, okay, I guess this is something. Yeah, this is okay. Yeah, it's all right. It's all right. So we get back from the road and you dive into Nerf world. Back to the thing, though, to the advice, probably doesn't hold up because Mike, like we said, isn't emotionally invested.

He's digging holes. Yeah. He's like, please, kiss the kids. I'll get to you later. Kiss the kids. So I will say I do remember that it was all at the same time. So that was nice. Uh-huh.

When they all get you at one time. Yeah. So Mike came over, smooch, smooch, hug, hug, jump, jump. Right. You know, grab me. Right. And then goggles and Nerf gun. Yeah.

The, uh, it's fun though. That's cute. Very cute. Right. I've had my eight-year-old wait for me outside with a banner that she's made before. I should have taken a picture, which says, welcome home, mommy. I was gone for one night. One night.

She was cute when we were in the, uh, the restaurants. and she wanted to talk to me. Yes, you told her you were feeding me. She said, take care of my mom. She did say take care of my mommy. And then you said, I'm feeding her. I said, yeah, we're doing good. We're in a diner.

And I'm feeding her some eggs and waffles. And she said, no, you're not. She won't eat waffles. Those are too fun. She did say, my mom. Mom doesn't eat waffles. Right away, she called you out. I know.

That was cute. I know. It was very cute. All right, I have a question for you. I am in need of a mattress. Yes. I am getting a lot of advice from a lot of randos. And did we talk about this?

Well, we've spoken about it, yeah. Do you and Mike sleep on, want the same mattress? So I told you, we got one at the mall, the select comfort. Right. Yeah. So he likes his, he likes to sleep on basically this table. Yes. Yeah.

And I like to sleep on something for a human. Like a mattress. Yeah. Yeah. So we set it to different numbers. And the number thing works? Yeah. Everybody on my radio show.

strangers everyone's saying get the sleep number thing yeah and now they're way more advanced and it really really makes a difference well when he tosses and turns I don't feel it that is the number one thing now I still feel his hot breath

on my neck because he's so heavy I don't want breath on me because I'm the kind of person if a clock is ticking I start following, it's ticking. If someone is breathing, I start following. I can't.

I can't. Don't breathe. Yeah. Don't breathe. Stop your breathing. So, but I can't feel him. If he tosses and turns, I don't feel it. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Now, is there a divide in the middle of the mattress? Yeah, yeah, it's two chambers. So there's a crevice? No, no. Are you falling into a canyon? The chambers? Like, no, you don't even feel it.

You don't. But it is hilarious when my eight years. year old jumps on our bed. She loves to do flips and jump backwards and do gymnastics and then she'll land half on his side and you can just see her body like kind of, oh, oh, like she breaks her back and half. It's so much stiffer than mine. Also, I get home late at night. So I don't have to worry when I get crawling into bed, you know what I mean?

I know I'm not going to wake him up because his mattresses. That's why it's pretty neat. I like it. Is it enough space? Well, it's a kid. Are you like in a sliver? What? Like.

Oh my God. What? It's a king bed. Yeah, but half of a king. There's plenty of space for you. You don't have the hospital thing where you're sitting up and doing the puzzles. Well, when our night nurse comes in, yes, she gives us a baby aspirin. It doesn't adjust like that.

No. Okay. No. It's just a bed. Just a bed. I recommend it You do And now there's so much

Way into it There's like a cooling mechanism Now it's You know Remember when cars first had like Bluetooth And everyone's like Whoa

And now your car drives on its own It's like I have that version Of this bed It is so advanced now There's a cooling on one side If you're hot on the other I mean you can

It's crazy Really look into it All right We should be sponsored I know. I know. Yeah. Can I tell you something? Yes. When you said hospital bed. I got a letter from AFRA today that I turned 50. You did? And they said I can access my retirement fund. Fuck you after. Well, boo! What is that? Screw you and your benefits. What the heck? I don't want to collect $20 a month just yet. I thought you were like 35.

No. Is it okay that I said my age? I don't know. Here comes my weight. Buckle up. Geez, Louise. I don't know if this is good for us as a brand. I'm saying it. I'm saying it.

You are? Yeah. I'll say it when I get there. Oh, sorry. I laugh too hard on that. Sorry. Anyway, so I can retire is what I'm saying. Congratulations.

Is this your last podcast? Mm-hmm. Are you canceling all future dates with me on the road? No, I can do 30 hours, I think. You can still be semi-retired. But that hurt more than the AARP, I'll be honest. It's like Hollywood was like, well, you're done. It's like Hollywood knows.

Hey, you're not going to get anything else. Nice run. So I don't know if my son told his friends to say this. I doubt it. But the other day I picked him up on my birthday. And he goes, hey, everyone, it's my mom's birthday. And I'm out of the car. And I'm like, woo.

whoop, who, right? And then he goes, get back in. You're embarrassing me. And they were like, how old are you, these 12-year-olds? And I said, 50. And they were like, oh. And everyone stopped celebrating. Oh.

They go, no. Oh. Really? You're dying. I know. But remember when you were a kid, how old 50 sound? And then one sweet girl, she was an eighth grader, so she was more mature. Yeah.

She goes, there's no way you're 50. And then I got arrested. No, but I. I mean, that was the sweet. It was so sweet. That is nice. I don't mind seeing it. I don't want to be scared to say it.

No. And look, it seems like if you look at our politicians, your best years are 30 years away. Are ahead of me. Yeah. Yeah. You have to be well into your 80s before you even start to hit your prime. That's really when everyone should get into politics, when they're getting out of life. Now, I'm not going to, I don't want to.

I don't want to pry or be too personal. 38C. On, how big were your boobs in that shot on Instagram, by the way? They were. I don't know what Joey did. Joey came out at the end of the show and took a picture. We're staying in the trend of Instagram.

Might be the worst angle of my life. And Joey took a picture of us out on the stage with the big sold-out audience behind us. And for some reason, Joey, I don't know if you did this intentionally, but there was a picture of us and Kira's boobs were pretty much, not that I look at your boobs all the time, but I see them around. They were four times the size that they normally are. It was in, I don't know if there's a boob filter. What did you do, Joseph?

Was I not supposed to Photoshop the photos? Well, I mean, the lighting, it was the lighting from the stage. Uh-huh. and the angle and then that weird iPhone thing that happens. I like it in the next night, the next night you turned your boobs in the other direction. I covered my, I hid my boobs. And I looked like a fat monster in that one also. Absolutely not.

I will not accept that. But that one, my suit looks so cheap. It's a brand new suit. That's a beautiful suit. That is just a really bad angle of both of us. We look like monsters. What has happened? But my boobs are not that.

big but in that picture gigantic like goiters they looked like goiters they grow out of your body it looks like you couldn't bear being away from your children so you smuggle them under your shirt I don't know

I don't know that should never happen again the next night I turned my body I know I tried to suck in oh god we look so uncomfortable Joe can't you do something we're going to blame you for this. Come on, Joey, you're still in your 20s. You should be able to know this stuff. Look, I'm taking everybody's assets, bringing them up to the tens.

I mean, do I look like that on stage when people are looking at me? That's a great picture. When I'm telling the jokes to the people, are they seeing this wrinkled mess with these stick legs and that giant fat body on top? First of all, it's not wrinkled. That's just the material. That's like that silky material. Uh-huh. Get a polyester suit if you don't want it to have any movement.

Right. that's you look good so really you and i both like angled it out yeah we really tried i'm like hey here's a hip instead of a boob yeah yeah we're learning we're learning we're doing our best we're all just learning does they think you think there are people out there that like the way they look there are because you've been to amusement parks yeah god i don't think those people look in mirrors No, no. I don't think they know even what clothes they bought or put on. So it was a couple of weeks ago, and you were telling me,

let the beard grow. Yes. Looks so good right now. Yeah? Yes. It's funny how few comments I got up until, like, just a couple days ago. Maybe people thought it was just dirt. Yeah, I think they were like, ugh.

Oh, good. Golly. Is he staying in juries? Joey's hotels. No, now it's all like, you know, like that nice long, like kind of shag carpet. You want to run your feet through it. Is that weird? Did I just tell everyone my fetish?

Did you get that chat carpet, by the way? I'm returning it. You are? Yes. Why? Because my husband. God, he has this look on his face. I go, what do you want to do?

You want to keep it or you want to return? He goes, up to you. You should have kept it. It was for the kids' room. Shag carpet is... Fun. No. A whole generation of people grew up on check.

Can't ever wash it, ever, ever. Yeah. But it was going to be in the kids' little play area. And we played Trivel Pursuit on it yesterday, and I was like, all right, this is the test. And it was just poking my butt. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, forget it.

It's not that, but it's, I got to return it. We'll see. Back to my question. Yes. I don't want to pry or whatever. And I'm not assuming you do. But when you and the husband are cuddling in bed, do you have to pick a side?

The hard sleep number side or the soft side? No, no, I'm on my side. There's no way I will ever cross into his territory. Absolutely not. You don't go to that part of town. No, I don't. think it's healthy. So if he wants action, he's got to come to the soft part. No, I won't. It's honestly, like, it doesn't feel like human to sleep on that. It's harder than a floor. Yeah.

I don't know how people sleep on. My wife kind of likes that. No, absolutely not. Yeah. I want to kind of That's what I have now and my arms fall asleep. No, can't do it. I'm like pinned down and they start to tingle. No, you guys will like it. All right. You will like it. Yeah.

Come over, sleep in our bed. Okay. Give it a try. Give it a try. Right. They should do that. You know what? Honestly, honestly.

Yeah. They, if I ever had a mattress store, I would let people sleep one night in the mattress store. Oh my God. On the bed that they want to buy. Why not? Why not? Why not? Because people are disgusting.

No, no, it's clean sheets. There's one bed that you just, it's like a hotel. My God, you sleep in a hotel. They give you clean sheets. You sleep in the mattress store. Then you don't have to go through all of that. The boxes arrive and you undo the thing and you open it up and then you can never get it back in the box. And I know it's always 90 days, no questions asked.

Nobody wants to go through it. I don't want to return this rug because I don't want to roll up a rug. Yeah, I wouldn't. So imagine a mattress. I got to send this back. You're not going to send it back. You're not, if you're running a mattress store, you're going to have people having sex in it. Okay.

Lights out. So on, kids. Okay, but here's the thing. You want to have sex in it to see if you want to buy it. Wow, you're a benevolent mattress store owner. I'm just saying, I think. I think it's an idea. Sure.

I think it's a good idea. It's an idea. It's marketing. No one else is doing it. Sleepover. That's the name of the store. You're going to go to sleepovers? Slumber house.

You're going to get, hey guys, there's a sale at sleepovers. I don't even want to go to the mattress store to even, like, sit on it. But you sleep in a market. In hotel rooms? And what's the difference? Oh, my God. Can we talk about that? Of course.

on the theme of mattresses. We should post this. Yeah, this picture needs to be posted. In San Francisco, decent hotel. It's not the four seasons, but it was decent. I, after the show in San Francisco, we were at the Palace of Fine Arts. Beautiful venue. The crowd was amazing.

Such a great time. Kira has a lot of friends and family up there. She went off to go party with her friends. Joey had these ne'er-do-wells that he went off with. God knows, whatever it is, he didn't shower for days. So I was by myself after the show, nothing to do. So I figured I'll just go back. I'm very happy to go back and just sit in my hotel room and watch something, read something, and not off.

and I climb into bed and there's something under the sheet. I'm like, well, that's weird. And I roll over and I'm like, wait, no, there's like legit something. I think something's stuck under the fitted sheet of the mattress. And I reach underneath. I just want to see it again. And I reach underneath, and there is a wooden,

spatula with a rubber handle underneath. Like, I was like, now the baker and me, the sourdough baker was like, oh, that's cool. Someone bought down at the wharf. Someone bought us spatula because they're baking and it got mixed up in the wait a minute. Why does it have this very overused rubber handle? like there's a rubber handle on it and it was like kind of like frayed from a lot of hard work I think someone had this wooden spatula with the gross wooden hand with a gross rubber handle

for spanking purposes only 100% right someone was in my bed getting spanked by this kitchen device. And you won't spend the night at sleepovers? Come on. You slept in that bed, too. I know. And when you tried to explain it to the front desk lady, she was not understanding.

No. She thought you found it under your bed. Uh-huh. Then she thought you found it like under the covers, maybe? I was like, I just want to let you know. Because I, I just want you to know, housekeeping may not be doing a great job. Because, look, when you go into a hotel, the illusion is that this is my room.

224 is my room. It's only my room. It's only ever been my room. This is all my stuff. This is my sheets. This is my pillow. You don't want to think about a businessman in there with that pillow between his legs the night before.

You don't want to think about curly hairs in the rug. You don't want to think about people being spanked by a wooden spatula on that bed that I am now going to watch TV in. But she didn't understand that it was under the fitted sheet. The sheet was pulled over it. That's the part that she did not get. Now, she thought it was just in the bed. That if housekeeping really had changed the sheet,

they would have noticed that. Yes. So maybe they didn't change the sheets. Yes. Now, I want to make you feel better. I just want to make you feel better. If I were ever to get spanked in a hotel, it would be by that type of, you know,

so I don't want you to feel bad. I'm not in touch. That shows a level of being into it, of like a hand, a smack, once in a while. No, that is a commitment. Tit for tat, as they say. Yeah.

This is, when you're bringing equipment in, they were really into it and really going to town in my mattress. Now, don't make this all about you. Why? There's a couple that got home back to scratch your armpit Alabama, and now they can't find their hotel spatula

for spanking, and they're upset right now. This is their favorite hotel. spanking spatula. So don't make this about you. They lost something special to them. It didn't smell weird or anything. Why did you smell it?

It smacks just fine. I think you should have brought it home to Cynthia. I texted it to her immediately. And she was screaming, get out of that room. Yeah. I'm already. already in bed.

You were already committed. Yeah. My clothes are off. I'm in bed. I'm just... You caught whatever that spatula was going to give you. And look, now that the curtain has been pulled back, it's like, okay, I'm going to leave here and go into the next room. Why?

Because that room nothing's ever happened in? Exactly. We all know the illusion is over, and this is just a cesspool filled with herpes and bedbugs. Yeah. which you wouldn't have at Slumberhouse. Come on down, President's sale, everything half off. Just say Abraham Lincoln for a free pillowcase. Hotel rooms are very expensive right now.

Yeah, they are. So expensive. And, you know, this wasn't a budget hotel. No. But it wasn't, you know, the four-seat. It was bad. That was gross. It was gross.

And it was the first mattress I slept in where I wasn't thinking, oh, this is better than my bad one at home. That one was like, that's all right. Yeah, that was not a great mattress or great pillows. Or no. For a big, huge chain as they are. Yeah. But again.

Why didn't you call? Probably $400 a night. The minute you found it, though, and have them change your sheets. Now I'm standing there. Naked. naked, waiting for them to change stuff, just making awkward jokes. I hate that. You know what I mean?

You like when your AC breaks in a hotel room and then that engineer guy has to come and I'm like, I hate this guy. Just get out of here. Why? Nothing break while I'm here. No, the room service, you're just like, give, just let me sign. Let me sign, let me sign. Leave it outside.

Don't ask me if you have to take the plastic off the orange juice. Just give it to me, give it to me, get out. That's so mean. And yet, the pandemic room service really drop off a bag and they just hand it to you. Don't like that either. Yeah. Come in, slide the thing in with some proper table and get out. Yeah.

I try and be nice. Of course you are. I start up some small talk. Hey, how's your day going? Oh, busy. You guys are busy this weekend. Yeah. You guys are busy.

How many times do they hear that? Well, also, it took you. It took you 87 minutes to bring me an. Egg. Oh, you guys must be busy. I tell you, we, I cook a lot. I'm always cooking in the house. I have a good collection of wooden spanking spatulas. I have so many wooden instruments. Never once thought of taking them out on my wife. Not once.

Because you didn't have a special one. I really didn't have a rubber handle on it. These people at Hexclad, Hexclad is this set of cookware that is, it shows up, first of all, it's all on individual bags, just elegant, you open it up, the metal work is great, the, they're called Hexcas of the pattern within the pan, just gorgeous.

And we have a collection of pans, and like I said earlier, My wife is constantly saying, this is scraping off, don't cook on that. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm making meatballs right now. I don't care if I get a disease. And she's like, you're going to be dead soon. And I don't care, and I just plow through. And I have bought pans and try, and then you try to get the ones that don't have the coating.

And then you just spend, I guess, four to five hours after the meal trying to scrape off whatever food. who's now stuck on the pan. It's been a bit of a nightmare. And we've been together 23 years and we've gone through a whole bunch of stuff. Hex clad, I'm, you know, once in a while we get products sent to us. And you're like, oh yeah, this one's okay.

This is pretty good. These, these are so good, they didn't even have to advertise. All I had to do is just show me the pan and I would be here talking about them. They're so great. Hex clad is,

patented, laser-etched hexagonal steel ridges boost your searing power. While the non-stick valleys contain its high-grade non-toxic coating and are infused with diamond dust for extra toughness, these are the best pans you'll ever own. Hexclad truly checks every single box when it comes to picking your cookware. They are metal utensils safe. That's great. Dishwashers safe. love it, and oven safe up to 500 degrees.

They are non-toxic, induction ready, and even have a stay-cool handle so you can saute with ease. It's time to stop ordering delivery food. Start cooking like a big boy with Hexclad. Real cuisine isn't made in the microwave. It's cooked in Hexclad. For a limited time only, our listeners get 10% off your order with our exclusive. link, just go to hexclad.com slash papa. This is a good time of year to do it, too. You got Thanksgiving coming, the holiday's coming, my birthday's coming. So it's a good time to kind of

take a look and upgrade your stuff. Support our show and check them out at hexclad, h-e-x-c-l-a-d-com, forward slash Papa. Bonapit. Let's eat with Hexclad's revolutionary cookware. We should bring, I'll bring one in so you can see it on camera. It's gorgeous. It's really nice. That's good of their non-toxic. When I cook on a cast iron, see, the thing is, they have the cool handle. Cast iron.

No. Everything is going to kill you. So hot. And I'm like, everyone out of the kitchen. I know. I know. It's, yeah. That's good.

It has that. Yeah. No, they're gorgeous. They really are really nice. There's one that's a little deeper. I think they call it like, it's not a walk, but I think they call it a walk. Yeah. And, yeah, it just makes you want to cook.

It literally makes you want to, like, do it. My wife with the other pans would always say that, you know, you have the sponge with the brilloey side. Yeah. She was saying, don't use the brilloey side on the pans because it's going to make the coating come off. And I'm like, I don't think that's really it. So I sneak it when she's not looking. Of course you do.

But something's peeling it. I think it's the heat. I think it's the overuse. It's just overuse. Overuse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. When you're, can you imagine,

I was thinking of myself in college, like, what those pans were. Oh, my God. Can you imagine what's in Joey's kitchen right now? I mean, pure mercury. That's what I'm going to. Do you have pans? Do you ever cook? I do, yeah.

We have pants. I don't think he knows what pans are Yeah We got an air fryer recently too So I've been kind of copping out with that a little bit Is that going to be a fad Are air friar is going to go away No, they're here, they're here

Yeah, there's way too much you can do in an air friar Use one We have an air friar in our oven I don't use it But these small little compact ones that he has People are like, oh yeah I made a pie Like they make everything

We made custard, we made gravy I mean, they're using air friars for everything now. Are you? No. No. No. We can't, we don't have room for another thing. I can't take it.

That's my hesitation. I can't. I'm not moving the coffee pot. Absolutely not. I'm not moving the toaster. No. The other side is all filled with flour and all my bread accruedraments. Yeah.

There's no place for an air friar. But you might have it on your oven. I don't think so. It's not the same. It's not the same with a little basket. What are you making it? cereal it's almost worse than that

I mean I've just been having these this fried chicken sandwich I get like a bag of just 10 fried chicken patties and like every day I throw it in there yeah they're breaded uh huh yeah and you just pop that in the air fryer and make it yeah that's pretty good yeah yeah we approve

yeah such a big boy how many ounces are each one they're not big oh no I'll say though my prime sort of a pan specialty, I make this, it's called a tortilla espionola. It's just a mixture of eggs, onions, and potatoes that you, I'll like put a pan on top of the, put a plate on top of the pan, and I'll be flipping it. And it looks like a frittata, basically, like a moisture. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You put a plate on top of the hot pan? Yes. And then flip it?

Yes. And flip it back? Egg everywhere. Yeah. Keep doing it. Why? Because it like takes the shape basically. So you cook the potatoes and the onions on their own. You add them to the beaten eggs. And then you put that mixture into the pan with like a ton of olive oil. And yeah. This is an omelet. It's like an omelet.

But it's like. Why do you have to flip it and flip it back with the? You don't have to. But it's said that flipping it just makes it, you know, more consistent shape because it's like a fluffy and it's both like really moist but really solid um i'd love to make it for you sometimes that did not sound appetizing moist and solid what the heck those aren't the adjectives you use sounds like i was in my bed with that spatula yeah no i'll show you i'll break some in someday yeah i want to see a picture yeah how many times do you flip it with the

maybe you're not burning yourself by holding a no no i mean the grossest part is definitely just like like getting egg all over my stove from the flip. Yeah. But. And you flip it how many times? Two or three. You probably only have to do it once. Getting egg on your stove sounds like a euphemism, doesn't it?

Boy, in high school, I sure got egg on my stove. A couple times. I think that's a stretch. Oh, hey. Can we, can we go back in the timeline from the butt spatula to your book signing at the Palace of Fine Arts? And a lot of very happy people. A great line of people. And then all of a sudden there was a WWF moment with me.

Oh, yeah. What? So we're in the middle of signing the books and there's all these beautiful people there. And we're signing and talking with all the folks. And it's a great time. And I hear in behind me a bit of a scuffle. And I hear, no. And I'm like, I think it's Kira.

And I look over my shoulder. and you are full on wrestling with a security guard. Okay, he was three security guards. He was a big dude. He was a big fella. And I literally, it was like in a scene from a movie when someone is breaking up a fight and the person being pulled off the fight

is just like arms and legs and like, I'll kill you. That's what you looked like as this guy is pushing you. So I walk over to tell you, which I could have just sent you a text, but I walk over to be like, hey, I'm going to take off with my step sister. I'll see you tomorrow morning for our flight.

That's all I wanted to say. And I walk over and this, like sweet-faced, by the way. Like, he looked like he had a 12-year-old's face. Yeah. And I'm not trying to be mean, but a Mount Rushmore body. Like he was... Mike-sized. No, not at all, but for the bit, yes.

But he was so massive. You couldn't. And he started pushing me with his belly. I heard him say, that's not how it works, ma'am. Yes. And I really nicely walk over and I go, I just have to whisper.

I'm the comic. I'm the other comic. I'm just going to whisper in it. Because he walked over immediately. I'm just going to whisper in Tom's ear. He goes, no, no, no. And he starts pushing me. That's his, that's what he learned, I think,

in security schools. Like, use your belly. Like use your, get your hips into it. He's pushing me back and I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't have to push me with your, I'm just, I'm the other comic. But he didn't see me. And that's not what was in his one page job description as like, guard Tom, Papa, like he's Beyonce. If he's listening right now, I'd like to thank you for your service. All right.

If he's listening right now, you owe me an apology because your nipples slapped me around. I mean, his body was just knocking me, like a pinball. Like, ding, ding, ding. Look, I'm very open to my fans. They come up. We hug, we kiss, we sign books. It's a very open environment. And to know that someone's got my flank for a ne'er-do-well coming from the other side,

it's just good to know. And then I got pissed. Yeah, you look to angry. Because he was moving me around. I go, I'm with Tom. But that sounded so like, I'm with the band, you know, which just, immediately sounds like a lie. And I go, all right, forget it, forget it.

And that's when you heard us. Yeah. He's like, that's not how it works. Yeah, he's like, okay. How it works, ma'am. I was like, I'll just text him. You know, I was like, forget it, forget it. And then you turn around.

And you were like, what is happening? I was like, I don't know what's going on. He was like ready to rumble. Would you be mad if you found out that after you left, I tipped him? I gave him a 20 on the side. Thomas. Thomas Stephen Jonathan Papa It was inappropriate the way you were attacking me

No, come on! Should have been fired on the spot. If I had that spatula, I would have used it to defend myself. People were very excited because finally the new book was there and also the unveiling of our new Big Papa shirts. We have these new shirts. I saw them, they're great. They're great.

And people really seem to like them. They can get them on the website too. Yeah. But Joey came back at before, he was selling him before the show. He was like, people are digging the shirts. Yeah. My car, I don't know, exploded on the way to pick those up, so they better like them. Oh, no, I do.

No car anymore. No car anymore? Well, they're fixing it. Oh, boy. What was wrong with it? I think they're replacing some valve, the spark. I've got the words. I'm going to just bumble my way through.

Am I described? I'm just going to say car words. You know, the engine muffler. You know. Chambers. One of the mufflers. Joey. If they're charging you $2,000, you probably should know what it is exactly.

That's a lot. It is a lot. Is the car worth $2,000? It's a good car. Yeah, it gets around. I think I'm going through it. I'm talking with them with my dad as well because he also owns the car. So we decided on like,

new tires, which is, you know, its own expense. Yeah. Yeah. My daughter needs her car repaired at school, and she went to one place, and they were like three grand, and I said, get out of there with your car. So she's going to go for a second opinion somewhere. But you want them to be safe. You want to get fixed.

I know, and then they see this pretty girl walk in. Yep. Yeah. That's why I look disgusting. Whoa. I look like I work on cars. You're chewing on. 16 ounce steak.

I got grease and I got grease across my face and a steak in one hand. I'm scratching my nuts and I'm like, yeah, it looks like the, what did you call it, the valve? The valve plug. You know valve plugs. And then, no, I went to a place once. Remember when you dropped me off at my minivan? And then I go, hey, I'm getting a towed from here. Yes.

$4,000. They wanted to rebuild the engine. That car is not that old. And then I went to another guy. guy and he's like just give me 200 and I'll let it I'll make it run again. Four grand to 200? Four grand to 200. Oh my God.

So people are the worst. I know. It just they're not there. Yeah. I had a guy come fix my dishwasher and he dropped a nut like a screw right in it. So now it goes clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink every time. No, he did it and said that, uh. There's a rattle in here and there's something wrong with the engine.

And I was like, and he was going to charge me like $1,000. I was like, let me go. I'll check that out. I don't think so. And then I had this other guy come in and he opened it up. He's like, someone put a thing in here. It's fine. We just need this belt and you're good to go.

Yeah. People are the worst. People are the worst. They're the worst. They're the worst. Yeah. If you find someone in the world you can trust with any of that. stuff you just write that number down stay with them stay with them forever god i have a great

heating air conditioning guy and he's just great and he loves what he does and he's into it and he's always trying to save you money he's like we could do it this version but we could also do it this version that guy i mean how vulnerable are you when someone climbs on your roof to look at your h-vac system nine times out of ten you expect him to come down and say five grand yeah you got We've got to replace the whole thing. This guy's a godsend. Well, I went to a tire place near me. They had a slow leak.

And I had a little bit of egg on my stove. Anyways, so I had a slow leak. And I go, I go, hey, I don't know if I need a patch. Can you tell me? Can you run it through that little tire dishwasher you guys have? And, you know, hopefully I just need a patch, right? And they patched it for me. And then they said it's free.

We do free patches here. Nice. Very nice. And I thought, wow, he goes, we just want your business. And I go, amazing. Thank you so much. And then a couple days later, a different tire had a slow leak. And I swear to God, they like knifed my tire.

They're like, we just want your business. And we'll see you on Thursday. And so now I got to go either back there and hope that I get another free. Free patch or I, you know, but I mean, I have a feeling. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's no way there's a free patch. No.

You just remind me I have to call my dentist. Uh-oh. Hey, can I ask you a quick question before we wrap up? Yes. I have a feeling we're wrapping up. We are. Okay, yesterday I got home, went through the mail. I got a parking ticket, expired meter.

Uh-huh. On a street off of sunset. Mm-hmm. down where sunset meets, um, I forget the name. Lasiania. Kind of near there.

Okay. On a day that I was not there, at a time where it would be virtually impossible for me to get there, because I live so far away. It's my last four of my VIN. It's my license plate. It's the make and model of my car. What?

My name and address, of course. Right? Because it came to me, obviously. And then I Google image that area. And there's no, it says expired meter. And there are no meters on that street. What? What is happening?

West Hollywood, because they have their own system, right, their own city. How am I ever going to fight this? It's my word against the meter made. I mean, it's like 50 bucks, whatever. I don't care if I have to pay it just to get it out of my life. I'll do it. But that is like, I do not want to pay this. There's no way.

I know it's going to be a pain in the ass, but you've got to fight it. I got to fight it, right? Yeah, just for us. So my theory is the meter made is one number off or a letter off on my license plate. But because they put my license plate in, everything just generated. Oh, yeah. But there's no meter on that street. And it was on a day that I absolutely could not be in West Hollywood.

It was 630. It might be one of those pay things, you know, with a coupon. It could be, but I didn't even see that. I Google imaged up and down that street. And I haven't even been on that street in years. Wow. So I'm going to be on some, I'm going to be on hold for a while. Yeah.

Until I figure this out. I want you to have to go to court. Oh, no. I want you to have to go in jury duty to pick who's going to sit on your case. Oh, no. Fun show, guys, go to Tompapa.com. Everything's there. All of the tour dates.

We've got a huge one coming up at the NJPack in New Jersey, the biggest show we've ever done. We've got a whole bunch of shows coming up all around the land. We're going to Indianapolis. We're going to Michigan City. We just put on sale Key West. A whole bunch of stuff, Tompapa.com. Anything you want to plug?

Kira Comedy. That's my Instagram. Graham. Kira Comedy. So, Joey, if you ever get your car back, don't go to Sunset and La Sienega because they have pretend meters there. Sounds good.

Sounds good. Yeah, and after this, you won't be able to afford it. That's it, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you to Hexclad. We'll see you next time.