Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 177 - Scary Mom

Episode Date: October 17, 2023

How to scare the children.    Thank you to our sponsor TodayTix! TodayTix is the place for you to discover, explore and engage with the best shows, arts and cultural entertainment your city has to offer. Go to https://www.tix.com/papa and use the promo code 'PAPA' to get $20 off your first purchase. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Insurance isn't one-size-fits-all, and shopping for it shouldn't feel like squeezing into something that just doesn't fit. That's why drivers have enjoyed progressives' name-your-price tool for years. With the name-your-price tool, you tell them what you want to pay, and they show you options that fit your budget. Enough hunting for discounts, trying to calculate rates, and tinkering with coverages. Maybe you're picking out your very first policy. Or maybe you're just looking for something that works better for you and your family. Either way, they make it simple to see your options. No guesswork, no surprises. Ready to see how easy and fun shopping for car insurance can be? Visit progressive.com and give the name your price tool a try. Take the stress out of shopping and find coverage that fits your life on your terms. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. for Breaking Bread with Papa.

Hey! Don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey! Hey, everybody. Welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa and Kira Soltonovich. You say it lovely. Thank you.

Happy that you're all here with us. Hope you're having a good time. Where are we? We're in October. Is it October? It's October. It's really Halloween. That's it.

From now, I mean, that's it. The end of the year is like it's going to take. 20 minutes to get to New Year's. I know what you're saying. What are we doing for my birthday? We'll talk about it a little bit. We'd like to thank the good people at today ticks. Today ticks.

There's just nothing like a live show. That's what we do for a living. And if you've ever been to one of my shows, you know that seeing clips from a show online really doesn't compare to the feeling of the energy in the room. Well, I would like to think my clips are pretty much capture the energy of, what's in the room. If you've got a date with someone special coming up or guests coming in from

out of town, you've got to take them to see some live theater. Go today to tix.com slash papa and use the promo code Papa to get $20 off your first TodayTick's purchase. That's promo code Papa at todayticks.tick.com slash Papa for an additional $20 off your first ticket purchase. We love performing live. Where did we perform last? We were in Utah. Utah, Salt Lake City.

That was good. They were good. They were a good crowd. Yeah. All the crowds have been great. Right? Yeah. How's Iowa going to be?

Iowa's going to be where we're going to Cedar Falls and St. Paul. Yeah. That same weekend? Yeah. It's great. You know the St. Paul Theater, the Fitzgerald, is really, they would do Prairie Home

Companion. So I had a real affection for it. And then I got to perform there with Christelian live from here

which was formerly Prairie Home Companion and it just has the, in my mind, the delight of that show and Garrison Keeler and the whole thing

all in that space. And I went back and did it, did stand up there right after COVID. Like it was one of the first ones right after and it was amazing.

And I think we're pretty much sold out. Oh, fantastic. So it's going to be really fun. Is it going to be cold yet? I hope so. Oh, you're excited. I am so excited. For the cold.

You're not? Sure. I like visiting the cold. Visiting, for sure. Yeah, your stuff. Throw your hat on. Go, ooh, look at this. It's like winter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then on Sunday, you're like, oh, we're back in summer. Yeah. That feeling of, especially when you get off the airplane in Burbank because you're getting off into the the the the scrotum of the sun it feels like is right there it's just it feels like the scrotum of the sun when you get off an airplane in Burbank now I don't know it just hits it it's just perfectly like a vortex of heat and sun and I'm going to say probably toxic air I know what you're saying about Burbank you get out outside yes you're on the thing I don't

I don't understand the scrotum analogy. It just feels like, you know, like a comfy place. Joey, you have a scrotum. Yeah, Joey, let's see it. Isn't the scrotum more of a hidden dark place rather than an outside filled with light place? Well, sure, but it's also one of the hottest parts of your body. That's why it's outside of you. Yeah.

To keep cool. But it's still hot. No, the scrotum is actually, it's to keep your little, jewels away from the 98 degree body. Right, but there's still heat emanating. Trust me, I have, you've been around one scrotum, one scrotum, and I've been around dozens. That's so unfortunate.

Dozens of scrotums. That's so unfortunate. How many scrotums have you have, like, directly near your person? Zero. Okay. I think I'm the, maybe expert in the room. What's say you, Joseph? You want to chime in?

I told you about the penis I saw. recently, right? Oh, describe it. I didn't think the show is going this way, but we're here. I was at the comedy cellar, and I'm waiting in line to go to the bathroom. It's this tiny little bathroom, there's two little

toilets, and the line is not moving for the men's room, which is very unusual. You guys hardly even watch their hands. And I opened the door to say, let's go later,

And there is a drunk guy at the stall, not in the urinal, at the stall with his junk out. Yeah. And texting on his phone. He's got his hands on his phone texting. His pants are down and his stuff is out. Not peeing. It's done. It's completed.

Sure. And he's now just texting with his schvance out. Yeah. And that was the first. other penis that I had seen in years. What a horrible sight. Just a horrible thing. I'm sorry.

Yeah. I'm here if you want to talk about it. I'm sorry. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Well, you know, we didn't, I'm sure, mean to go down this direction. But real quick. Yeah.

Sometimes you do need to see a penis before you're going to interact with it. I would think so Right Yeah Some people don't Oh really They don't see it They just

Dive right in Dive right in And I And then heyo Yeah Yeah I can't imagine I cannot imagine The other way around

Yeah You don't have to meet Sure You don't have to meet You're fine It's not gonna be Aggressive It's not gonna be

Even if it is I think guys were okay with that Yeah I think Guys are okay. What are you doing for Halloween? Because I know that it's probably one of the most difficult holidays at your house. Yes.

Because it's sugar-based. It's sugar-based. Do you know why it really is the most difficult for me? Nothing to do with sugar. Oh. My husband. Oh, because of the decorating. He's lost his mind.

I love it. You know how some men get old. We were talking about this, and they get into like 23 and me or like Ancestry.com, you know, and they're like, they start to kind of dabble and like, do you know who your third cousin is? That's a normal old man little hobby, right? Family tree. We have a massive crotch on our, I know I keep talking about scrotums, but it's a scary pumpkin man crotch because the other torso has not been delivered yet. It's about 15 feet high. And my husband put the crotch together and then didn't put the rest of it.

This might be what my neighbor has. I've always been the house on our block. We don't go crazy, but we're the most on our block. We've got skeletons out front and some lights and it's always pretty festive. But it's not, you know, it's not insane. No blow up things, no whatever. My neighbors across the street have, I think, installed what you're describing.

Yeah. It's this gigantic massive thing. It's like 20 feet tall with eyes of the glow and he's very scary.

And I feel like I feel like they're saying we're the new game in town. Oh, that's for sure that's a power move. Yeah. The problem with Mike

and he won't listen to this so I'm not worried. He... Why won't he? He's... He likes to just put everything. Like I want at least, like, give me like a theme. What are we doing here?

Are we a cemetery? Because he has these like, you know, these gravestones. And then he'll throw dirt on top of our grass and then have like a hand moving. That's coming out of it. Okay. I'm on board. But then you can't also have the pumpkin man crutch. And then also a float, he has a floating ghost and then a smoke machine.

And then in the windows, he has a ghost moving back and forth. Right? So he has to put up a sheet and a thing. I mean, it looks like it's a garage sale for Halloween decorations. He just throws everything on the front yard. I do like a theme. Yes, there needs to be a theme. Yeah.

We have a skeletons is our main theme. Okay. And it's held through the years. We have a couple of them out on lawn chairs and then we have a lot of skeleton pets. Oh, that's cute. Which is cute. Very fun. You're still in skeleton town.

In the skeleton world. We have a couple of skeletons. that are playing banjos. That's fun. And one with a harmonica. Yeah. I'm with you. Like that's fun.

He has a dude with a cauldron doing this. And it's constantly breaking. So it looks like he's just beating off. I know. We have three witches that do that. Yes. It's so difficult to put together. Yeah.

That I opened up the closet and I saw it. And I said no. Yeah. Because my kids are gone also. Right. So what am I doing? You know what I mean? You're doing it for the town.

Other kids. Yeah, for the thing, for the kids walking by. Right. But they don't know that there's witches in the closet. What they don't know will not hurt them. Yeah. Don't bring the witches out. Because they break.

They break. They totally break. Because there's 7,000 pieces to it. Oh, my God. I'm so over it. I have a big chore. I have a big chore. What?

What are you doing the rest of the day? Oh, you're going to film something. Oh, no. Yeah, but I don't know if you'd be helpful with this. Is it a Halloween-related activity? He wants you to fix the witches. It's not Halloween. We have this giant bed in the, not giant, well, it's a giant bed in the guest room that it's always, for some reason, the design of this, it's a bed and it has drawers underneath.

And the drawers open every time they just, you close them, and then they slowly, it's built that way where it's just, it's just, you close them. where it's just, it's a mess. So after many in-laws and family members coming over and hurting their feet and their calves trying to get out of bed and stepping on these drawers, my wife has gotten a new bed that's coming on Saturday, and this one has to be destroyed and taken out onto the driveway, I guess, before I leave, which is tomorrow. Oh, Lord.

So I think this afternoon I have to go dismantle this jacket. gigantic three-ton bed. Maybe Joey wants it. Well, yeah, I was thinking that. Can you just not put the drawers in? Or then it's just holes underneath. Yeah, and it's ugly. Yeah.

Joey, do you want this bed? I could use the second bed. There you go. Make like a megabed of some kind. Oh, boy. No, you'd have to get, no, this thing has to be destroyed. Okay. It has to be destroyed.

But I don't know. Can you carry wood outside? Yeah. Yeah, I could do. that. I don't mind. The dogs go crazy when they see Joey. What is it about him?

I don't know. I don't know. Just so good at changing Frank's pants that, yeah. Oh, God, that was a funny story. He knows me. That was funny. Joey, look, we have a creative working relationship, and I try my best to not have Joey have to participate in other parts of life that get away from touring or the, you know what

Right. But once in a while you're in a jam. I'll call on Joey. And I had to call him because we were away and the dog person couldn't come. So I asked Joey to come and deal with the pets for a minute. And Frank, my pug, pees everywhere if he's not taken out a lot. And he has to wear pants around the house. That's why I wear pants.

and exactly and I Joey over make sure you put the pants on the dog and we got a FaceTime message from Joey I think I've never seen you sweating as much as that FaceTime yeah I was worried

it was complete panic he could not figure out how to put the pants on the pants are a piece of it's a it's this and then you put it on them and Velcro the top oh okay cute but because we call them pants

He thought he'd put the legs in. I was like, where do I run the legs out? Oh, my God. He called. He's trying to put the dog's legs through no holes. And it was, yeah. I think that's your new, I think dog pants is his new name. How is it four ounce?

No, four pounds. It's four rounds. I actually was thinking about that because we're going to Denver this weekend. And I was, I forgot. you weren't coming. Well, you didn't invite me. I did invite you. You said no. Absolutely not.

100%. Not true in the least. Absolutely 100%. Oh my God. Anything. Lies. Anything west of Chicago. You are my person.

Why is that a rule? What do you mean? Why can't I go east of Chicago? Because you always have to get home. I think you have a hard time. I'm going to New Jersey and back. No, I don't. You don't?

Absolutely not. Where did you get this rule from? From you. No. I've asked you, and you were like, never happened in the history of the world. Really? Never have I made that a rule.

This is big news. Yeah, it is big news. I've been missing out on New Jersey this whole time. Oh, we have a huge one in New Jersey. Oh, come on. When's this come out? Tuesday? Oh, yeah.

This Saturday night. biggest theater we've ever played Newark New Jersey There's an airport there The NJ pack Yeah You're not going to be there

God damn I have some hack opening for me Great, who is it? I don't know Johnny tries a lot Oh Well I'll be crying into my pillow I really didn't think you'd

Want to go that far What do you talk What do you talk? What? Do you know that I once had a wedding in Florida? I took a red eye to Miami, okay? Slept a couple hours at my cousin's house, went at noon to this wedding, performed,

went back to the airport and flew home. It's impressive. Yeah, it is. All without pants. Because I didn't know how to put them on. Well, you're not coming to Denver, and I was hoping that you were going to be there because Joey will be there because we're doing book signing.

and I was like, Denver, great place for a steak. Oh, I know. That's where the four-ounce steak was purchased, I believe. No, that was Cincinnati. Oh, really? It was Cincinnati. Hmm. Yeah.

Am I allowed to go past Cincinnati? What a weird rule. I really thought we talked about it and you said it. I wouldn't care. I would never say those words. Really? Hmm. Yeah.

You're doing a lot of complaining. about going to Cedar Falls? Zero complaining. I actually did the opposite. I said, I'm going to go sleep at the airport, because I have to be there at 4 a.m. I'm going to go sleep at the first class lounge. Do those places close?

Are you coming to Cedar Falls and St. Paul? We ordered books there from the publisher, so I would love to come along if, yeah. Well, why don't you just wait longer to book your flight, so it's three times the price? Joey, we don't like you going anywhere north of Albuquerque. Right, right. It's just a personal thing, right?

Am I? No, I don't speak for both of them. Oh, never mind. You're welcome. Well, I'll book those. Those are fairly far out. The Connecticut next weekend, all that, I imagine, a little close for a tag-along. Yeah, yeah.

I was confused about, this is so boring, but I was confused about New Jersey because there's over 2,000, over 2,000 people will be there. And I want to do the book signing. It would be cool. Davis Sedaris signs when he plays those big places. Yeah. But in New Jersey, I have literally, I think everyone I know is coming. It's coming.

Yeah. But they don't read. To sign for like an hour and a half after. I feel like I should probably see those people. And you know what I mean? Can you pre-sign? Or is that rude. Do it before the show?

Yeah. That's a lot. It takes over an hour. Yeah. You know? So I skipped it. I think it's probably wise. It would have been good at the same time.

Anyway, this is all about getting you in a room with Joey to see how he orders his next steak. I would love it. Yeah. Change the tie, change the narrative. Change the name. I'd love another opportunity, yeah. Four ounce really does roll off the tongue.

It does. I have you saved in my phone already, so let's not change it to dog pants. I went to, I had some gigs in Santa Cruz last weekend, and my friends, because it's Northern California and had a junior high reunion last weekend. They tagged along and we went and got steaks and they only had 10 ounce stakes. You got two. I got two. So my friends, my childhood friends that I've known since junior high were just staring at me in horror.

In horror. What has happened to her? I got two. Now I didn't, you know, I finished the first one obviously and ate half the second one. But they were just staring in disbelief. 10 is a weird number. 10's a weird number. I would be happy to see a 10 after show sometimes.

10 is like appropriate. That's all I eat. So it's not like I could also have a potato with it. Right, right. If it was 12, I'd be fine. Yeah. You know? But they just brought me two 10 out sticks.

My poor friends had no idea. They have no idea that I eat this way now. It's hilarious. We have books in both places, right? Colorado Springs and Fort Collins. Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to keep talking about the books on this pod if we can.

It's a great angle for me. What do you mean? I got a lot of contribute. What do you mean? Bringing books, selling those books. Yeah, carrying them. It's a very deep subject, I think. I think we could.

I think he's been, I don't know. I think it's a little sass in his voice. Yeah, what's going on? Yeah, what's happening, four ounce? Ah, nothing. We're going to start calling you books now. Do you watch helping with the books? No, I enjoy helping with the books.

I was just making a joke because when we're talking about books, I get to contribute quite a lot. When we're not talking books, I don't know. I'm just waiting for books to come up. All right, we'll accept it. We'll accept that banter. Leave it in. Don't cut that part out. I do want to say one thing.

Please. I had a junior high reunion and I'll never do it again. Why? It was great. No. Reunion itself. They looked old, heavy, old, and they've given up. Listen, not everyone's eating two 10-ounce steaks like I am keeping their shit together.

Yeah. No, no, look, everyone looked great, but the planning that went into it. Oh. Oh, my gosh. And the food, and we did the badges and we had to, I mean. Badges? Badges. I mean, like a full-on, not just like a group of friends.

No, no. Like a full-on reunion. We cut pictures. Around your. gig? Yes. That's why I did the gig. I was like, well, I'll be up there.

I'll do a gig. Oh, so you're not related to the reunion. No, they just happened to be the same weekend. Gotcha, got you. So we got a house. We got an Airbnb. How many people? It wasn't that many.

It was like 30. And an Airbnb just for the party. Well, because then also people were coming in front of town, so we're like, why not do both? But holy smokes. And I had help. Oh, you were planning it? You were the one?

And then some people couldn't make it. Are you always the one? I'm always the one? I'm always the one. Yeah. Yeah. I like parties. I like getting to people together.

I do too. I love hosting. I do it a lot. But exhausting. Well, that's bigger. That's, I wouldn't go that far out. Like, I've got a group of, like, 20 friends. Yeah.

And I also do, like, my families. Like, that one's kind of big. Yeah. I'll do it with my cousin. Like, those are, but there's, it's the same group, da, da, da. Right. But then when it goes. to the class reunion,

which this group is a part of this large group, then I'm out. People were like, I'll make the next one. I go, well, then you better do it. I'll never plan this again. Because I had to do videos at the Airbnb going, hey guys, I just want to show you. Here's the fire pit.

Here's, look at this beautiful view. Like, it was gorgeous. But you're pitching. You're constantly pitching to people. To convince them. And everyone that came was, thrilled. Yeah.

It was great. It was a great time. Oh, I loved the reunion part. How much better did you look than everyone? I had a couple of stakes the night before. My skin was glowing. No, everyone does look great. There were a couple people that I was like, I mean, everyone, yes.

Can I tell you the best part? I was telling four ounce before we started recording. I do not smoke the weed. Right. I do not. Yeah. But I have friends that. that full on peer pressured me.

Oh, really? Because I told them, I just, I don't have fun. It doesn't do anything for it. I don't enjoy it. They're like, you're doing it, you're doing it. I go, okay, at the end of the night. Not now, at the end of the night, because I'm still hosting, you know, making sure we had

massive catering things, you know, like food, you know, we really wanted to feed people. And I had help from other girls too, but I felt like the host. Okay, finally, it's the end of the night. Okay. Things are winding down. Becky Hidalgo.

She won't listen to this. She insists. I love how you think no one listens. I have not supportive friends. No, she might actually, she might. Okay. Beth, Beth does say she listens to the podcast. Yes, so thank you, Beth.

Love you, Beth. One person. Becky's like, now it's time. So just two little puffs. Okay, fine, two puffs. Uh-huh. A cop walks through the back entrance

into the party and I immediately turned into an eighth grader in 1987 immediately the cops were busted I just smoked weed like what's happening and everyone at first was like you just heard this like

you know like we weren't even that loud but we thought uh oh the neighbors because we had like you know 80s hip hop playing and I immediately started sweating, like just sweat through my entire shirt. It's so amazing how you refer. But I was high.

I know, but if you're not high. Different. Right. I'd go to full on. We're like, we're grown-ups. Cura mode. Right. 15 years younger than me.

Well, let's talk to the cop. No, he was actually our age because he was there for the reunion. I had no idea Tony was a cop. He came late after his shift. in full uniform with his gun and his thing and the baton and the CB, you know what I'm like everything. And he walks in and everyone freaked out, but a few people knew he was coming late. And they go up and they're hugging and they're kissing and they're high-fiving. And then I immediately recognized him.

But that moment, you know, when your heart goes into your stomach, I was like, that's it, I'm going to jail. I'm going to jail, even though it's legal. It's legal. Were you high? Yes, and I did not like it. You didn't like it? I hated it. Really?

I got angry. You did? I got angry that I got peer pressured at my age by the same girls who peer pressured me. What did you feel like? You know, three decades ago. What was your high like? I didn't even feel it wasn't fun. Mm-hmm.

I don't smoke very often. Maybe once a decade. You feel kind of like off and sluggish and weird. I was just. Weird. I was pissed. I really was. I was having such a great time.

And now I was like, I'm hungry. I want to eat something. I had to make scrambled eggs. I know. Because that's all I can eat. Man, Joey smokes all the time. Joe, Joey's high right now, for sure.

Do you smoke every day? A few times a week. Sometimes tottering on every day. I always try and figure out when he's high when I'm contacting him. Always. What are you talking about? Because, you know, we're not, this isn't a traditional nine to five job. So if I get into, I've got to,

take care of flights or whatever. It could be, you know, 11 o'clock at night and hit Joey with three things in a row. And then I'm like, these responses are weird. I'm like, oh, it's 11 at night. I don't even think. He's hard. Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes. Always get it done, though. You always get it done. Oh, he's going to choke up before he rips apart that bed. He's going to drop acid. Yeah, just give me five minutes. I'll be at your house. We'll do that bed.

Yeah, that's going to be a nightmare. Hey, he's got to be on Molly for that. going to get my haircut too. I think it's okay. To not get my haircut? It looks good. Yeah? Yeah.

What do you think of the beard? I am loving it. Really? What do you think of my mustache? Loving it. Uh-huh. Little thinner than before. It's coming in gray, so that's nice.

It's been a fun social experiment. With the beard? Mm-hmm. Do you feel professorial? That's what I've been getting a lot. Yeah. My kids, I tell you, my kids saw it and were with my friend Dave Hill. And I went to the bathroom and then came back and they'd been discussing it.

And it was, yes, you look older, but more professorial, a little more mature older. I don't think you look old. I don't know. I just, have you ever done just this, just the, not the goatee, but like this, just that? Have you ever tried that? No. You got to try it when you do end up shaving. That would be ridiculous.

Why? I don't like that. Why don't you like that? A goatee, mustache goatee? Yeah. No. You know, I've never seen my husband's skin underneath this area. Oh, really?

Is that what he rocks? He's, I don't, he might not have skin under there. It might just be like a black void. I don't know what it is. Yeah. Never, he's never shaved it off. Wow. Yeah, he's had it.

Interesting. Yeah. But it feels like it'd be soft right now. Is it in the soft stage? Yeah, it's in the soft stage. That's nice. Looks like my leg hairs. They're the soft stage too.

I don't know if I'll keep it for a bit. I like it. I think it's hip. Yeah? Yeah. Hmm. Interesting. Hip.

But also, like you teach philosophy at a junior college. Yeah, that's what I'm getting a lot. Like maybe I should have to perform now in a tweed jacket with patches. Why not? I could do it. Back to Halloween. Yeah. Your kids go out trick-or-trick-track.

treating. Yeah. They come back with a bag full of tons of candy. Yep. And then at what point do you take it from them? Immediately. Immediately. But here's what I do. And they cry. And then you give them how many pieces. So I do give them some. They can have some. Uh-huh. What's some? Well, like a few pieces. Okay, here's what I do. I give them money for their candy. Oh, right. You told me this. And then we go shopping. Mm-hmm. How much money for them? the candy. I sit and I divvy it up. You know, if someone gets a big snickers, right? I'll give you a dollar.

Okay. I'll give you a dollar for a big snickers. Right? And then those little mini ones or like a quarter. So they get into it. They get into it. They'll rake in like 30 bucks. Oh, that's good. And then they're taking that money to, we'll go to Target, go into the toy section, boom. That's good. My eight-year-old has a new Barbie to molest. That's good. That's good. That's a good way to do it. Or they can save that. money they can save it my 12 year old's all about saving saving good like he'll just did I ever show you that pick he just handed me a role this big like mafia style nice of ones cash because he

wanted something you wanted me to buy it online and I go well you're gonna have to pay this has to come out of your and he handed it to me like a mob boss nice what do you need where do you get this yeah but yeah he likes to collect he does and it's his birthday and to So he's already Jing-ching, chit-ching. He gets that from your husband, the collecting thing. Joey, you all right?

Joey, what's happening? What's going on? Is it your weed didn't agree with you? No, I've just been like sick the last kind of weed. Oh, that's good to know. Wow, we made out earlier. Thanks. Oh, my God.

Thanks a lot, Joey. There's literally not a window in this studio. Oh, for crying out. It's covered by a wall, one of these walls. What kind of sick? It was like flu kind of stuff. Oh, good. Wow.

It was like last Sunday, though. It's just like lingering a little bit in my throat. Uh-huh. Great. Yeah, I'm okay. Well, let's go. You're coming to Fort Collins in Colorado Springs. No, you don't have to.

Let's go get some Quercetin. I'll meet you at Whole Foods after the podcast. Would it be weird to make Joey find his way to Fort Collins in Colorado Springs, and I drive myself? What do you mean make them find his way? Well, because the way it's going to go now is we're going to land in Denver. Yeah. And then we're going to drive together to Fort Collins. No, you can't be in the car.

with him. No. That's some sort of Ebola. I don't know what's happening. Yeah, maybe you should wear a mask. Yeah. I won't breathe. All right.

I can sit in the back with a mask. All right. I can do it. I don't think I get you sick, but... Also, put on some dog pants, just in case. I don't trust Joey at all now. And a little, uh, and a little sham shams. Hey, Joey.

Have you ever, have you ever been on stage in a play? I have. You have? Mm-hmm. What was your favorite role? Like, if you were to say, if you were on your deathbed, which sounds like you might be close, and you were going to tell the people what your great performance was, what would you highlight? There was a play I did my senior year.

It was called The Curious Case of Professor Hound, Dr. Hound. It was like a mystery. And my role was The Radio, which is in some interpretations, just a reality. recording that gets played. It's not a part that gets cast. But my friend who was directing it let me kind of make my own little bits out of what the radio guy would be that comes on and gives goofy bits and then, you know, info about the case. And yeah, that was a fun kind of theater moment for me. Nice. So you were, it was radio. You were called. I was the radio. The radio. That's a good performance. Well, Joey, the radio sounds like a big performance. And I can,

could only hope that the people out there can go and maybe get as close to a theater experience as the people in that audience that watched you. If you've got a big date coming up with someone special or guests coming in from out of town, listen up. You've got to take them to see some live theater, especially because right now you can save up to 40% on Broadway tickets on todayticks.com. Todaytix is your one-stop shop for theater tickets with the best. value on tickets to Broadway and beyond.

Just download the app or visit todayticks.com to find a show you want to see. You can check out in 30 seconds and get your tickets with ease. I love this. Today Tix gives you access to exclusive pre-sales, limited time offers, digital lottery programs to sold out shows and day of discounted tickets. My wife, when we dropped our daughter off at school, I knew she was. she was going to be crying. So I was like, let's go see a Broadway play.

Yeah. It would have been nice to have used this service. Yeah. Because I used a complicated one, which I won't mention, and I ended up getting tickets for an entirely different day and then couldn't return them and then ended up having to pay twice. No. Yeah.

You know why? Because I didn't use Todayticks. Damn it. Go to Todayticks.com slash Papa and use the promo code Papa to get $20 off your first TodayTicks purchase. That's promo code Papa at TodayTix.com slash Papa. For an additional $20 off your first ticket purchase, go to todayticks.com slash Papa.

Bum-B-B-B-B-B-B-Bum-B-B-I'm excited for, I hate to even bring it up because you wouldn't come because you have to do Halloween with your children. but I have a pretty kick-ass party on Halloween. And Joey's been there. Are you coming this year? Yeah, I'd love to. Nice. What are you going to come as?

That has been a consistent problem for me at these Halloween parties, not having a thought-out costume. I feel like one time you bailed. No, I think I went both times. I think I went as John McEnroe, and we were saying I looked like Joe, your Netflix producer. Yeah, and then last year, I went as like Mickey Mouse or I just wore like black gloves and a t-shirt.

It was horrible. Right. It was a terrible costume. Yeah. What? So it's on Halloween. It's on Halloween. Okay.

And I make an amazing chili, which you would love. Because the chili has nothing in it but meat. There's not a bean. I would love that. There's not a corn kernel. There's not a pepper. I actually cook down onions and peppers, but they just get emulsified. Yeah.

There's nothing left. It's so good. Oh. Why is chili the tradition on Halloween? Our neighbors do that too. They do? Yeah. It's a party where people, it started out when the kids were little and people are in and out all the time.

Yeah. You come in with your kids and people would stop and be like along the route. And it's a nice thing you can keep on the stove. It stays hot. People can come get it. It's just effortless. You don't have to have it out. It's not going to get cold, all that kind of stuff.

It's that kind of thing. Our neighborhood does this thing, which I've never really seen before. Where everybody gets a little fire pit. Yeah. puts it on their driveway, a bunch of lawn chairs. And the kids actually trick or treat. You don't have to even ring the door about it. Everyone's just sitting outside.

That's cool. chilling chili. Mm-hmm. Chill. Why? I think you would be into that. Oh, no, no. I like it, but I'm just saying that that wasn't my experience as a kid.

You had to go and ding-dong and whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is just, everyone's out already, just sitting around a little fire pit. That's cool. Eating with, like, their candy there. So the kids just walk up and they, and they. Right. Oh, the kids must love that.

The kids love it. But you actually really meet your neighbors that way. Yeah, I guess there's a bad part to everything. Opening the door and then closing the door. Oh, that's a bad part. That's a good thing. It is. Now that is nice.

And that's a fun thing. I don't know. Maybe it's a suburban thing. I don't know. So do you put a fire pit in your driveway or you go to another one? We don't have room. Whoa, all right. Easy.

We have a guy stirring a cauldron who's massive. And then another scary thing. And then skulls that light up and scream at you. So who gives out the candy at your house? Well, we have put a bowl out. out before. Oh, no. Because we're walking around.

Our neighborhood is very active. Are you handing out apples? No. Oh, I should have brought it up. Oh, no, you wouldn't have had it. What? I just did my radio show, and they did a little Halloween segment for next week, and they gave us things that they thought were like, oh, this is funny to give Tom

and fortune. It's disgusting. And it was beef jerky dipped in chocolate. That actually sounds good. It was really good. That sounds really good. It was legit. Yeah.

Because chocolate is great, salty. I know, right. Yes. But I thought maybe you wouldn't eat it because it had chocolate on. I would have a bite. You would? Yeah. The other thing was disgusting.

Oh, God. Not revolting, but it was Oreos with cheese whiz in between instead of the cream. Yeah. Yeah. I mean. That was the reaction when I ate it. Okay. I guess.

And it kind of lingers and you're like, oh, cheese whiz? Yeah. I mean, if you're bored. Yeah, it was a little radio prank. But man, the beef jerky and chocolate was good. Sure. When you're traveling around, do you get jerky as a... Sometimes, yeah.

You do? Yeah, but I have to find, like, no ingredients, you know? It can't have... It's not great for you, right? Because it's got to be super filled with sodium. Sodium depends. Sodium is not terrible for you unless it has all the other like weird preservative things in it. But just salt is not bad for you. Actually need it. But when you have a heart, if you have blood pressure, they say go low sodium.

Yeah. Well, they also say a lot of other things that are wrong. So, you know, we literally take it with a pin. Of salt. Yeah. But no, you need sodium. You actually need it. So, for example, have you ever been thirsty in your drinking water? You're drinking water.

And you're like, why can I quench my thirst? Yes. That means that you need to have a little pinch of salt in your water. Oh. Because salt drives the water into your cells. Oh. That's why electrolytes are so important. But not the garbage in like the neon green bottle.

Like, that's, you know what I mean? Like, they took a good idea and then they just added garbage to it, right? Yeah. Like, nothing is flavored, you know, ice blue or crazy red, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, but electrolytes in general, super important. Did you see that they're banning... Skittles.

Yeah. I did. They're banning skittles in California. Sorry to break it to you, Jo. Can we ban fentanyl or just skittles? I think just skittles. Oh, okay. Because fentanyl does not have red dye in the number.

Number four. Okay. I hear you. Yeah. And it's like 52 other things that have red dye number four. It's terrible. It is bad. But I feel like our priorities are a little kookumu.

I thought you would like that. Sure. I like it. Yeah. But there are so many other things that need to be banned. Yeah. Yeah, but sure. Let's start.

What's on the top of your list? Yeah, like things that are killing people. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like red dye number four. It isn't a lot of stuff. Yeah. It is.

That fentanyl stuff, there's a thing, I think it's, I'm going to mess up the name of it. But there's a remedy if someone's on fentanyl. Like you give it to them, like an epipen. Narcan probably. Narcan. Oh. Giant display at the pharmacy counter where I'm picking up my cholesterol medication. Okay.

A giant display of Narcan added to your first aid kit. Be prepared. Wow. So if you're having a party and some kid takes something that they didn't know had this horrible fentanyl in it, you have the EpiPen. Right. And can give it to them. Holy cow.

Now why don't we have something like that for Skittles? We wouldn't have to ban them. Hurry, quick. Johnny had a bag of Skittles. I'm coming, Johnny. Can you just eat Skittles and not eat the red ones? I love Skittles. The other ones are vitamins.

One time, it was the very first social media perk I got was back in New York in the beginning of Twitter. I texted something about my love for Skittles and they sent a duffel bag filled. Oh, Lord. A duffel bag that looked like a Skittles bag filled with Skittles. Yeah, it was from that point on, I've loved them. Hey, they're amazing. They just have to travel out of state to get them. Yeah, it's like fireworks now.

Got to go to a different county. Yeah, exactly. I had a friend growing up who was allergic to that, like, blue number nine dye or whatever. And so that, I think the dye is, you know, different, like, shades of Gatorade he'd be going through and he'd be going through the ingredients. and that blue color, you know, would appear in, like, not just the blue flavor. Really? Possibly all Skittles are tainted, though. I'm not sure.

Here's a newsflash. All your friends are allergic to the blue, Doc. Humans are allergic. Do you know what MSG does to people? Holy cow. I know, but then I saw a report that said that we're overreacting on what MSG does to people. Who released that report? Was it the Chinese restaurant down the street?

Dr. MSG? Yeah, exactly. No, it's terrible. It is. It's so bad for you. It literally takes your guts and turns them inside out. Really? It's so awful.

I made a terriaki sauce last night. Don't judge me, but I made a tofu and broccoli dish. Sure. Baked both. Okay. Took the tofu and put it in cornstarch and oil. Okay. And then baked that.

And then broccoli, just a little olive oil, bake that. Rice and the rice cooker, brown rice. And then you make the terriaki sauce, which is soy sauce, garlic, ginger. This thing called marion. Mark Merrin? I think M-I-R-I-N. Saki. Ooh.

Mm-hmm. Makes me excited, too. And you mix it all together and then you cook it down and it, but there's that, that, whatever that Marin is, is in a lot of Asian food. Oh, okay. And I kind of had MSG. Is it a thickener? Maybe. Yeah.

Maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was a little suspicious. of that. Where'd you get it? In the supermarket. Okay. Mm-hmm.

All right. And it was delicious. It was nice. MSG is amazing. It was nice to kind of change it up, but I don't know if it had MSG in it. Are you looking it up? Yep. Miran is similar to sake, but has more sugar and a lower alcohol content.

Okay. Okay. All right. So maybe doesn't have MSG. Not terrible. I mean, there's a ton of, you know, you're using soy sauce. Sure. It's not definitely not the healthy.

but it was flavorful. I'm sure. Sounds amazing. Yeah. But, yeah, I always feel like that's kind of the problem whenever you eat out. It's like, all right, I'm ordering all this good stuff, but what's in it? Yeah. That's why it's hard for me.

That's why I'm a pain in the ass. Yeah. That's why you don't take me east of Chicago. I get it. Yeah, because there's so much better food back there. What a ridiculous rule. I really thought that you. wouldn't want to come all that way.

You're a silly McGillacuddy. Most of your tours out here, whenever you're doing shows and stuff. You don't know my life. I do. I have dates on the East Coast in 2024. I'll have you know. Name one.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I don't have to prove anything. I'm going to be in Boca in March. Oh, really? You watch out. It's an afternoon show.

You better. I think we're going to be. I want to Key West for three days or three shows over two days. I'm not, obviously. Key West. I'm not. Yeah, what would you eat there? Oh, my God.

Key West, they have great food. I love Key West. It's the best. It is such a magical place. It really is. I love it there. It's such a cool. Just bike around, just rent a bike and just bike around.

Well, no, I wouldn't do that. Why not? Because I don't like to be that active. I didn't say get on a horse. I know how you feel about horses. I like to walk through. the Hemingway house with some old people. Look at the...

But we bike to the Hemingway house. Then you walk around and then you get back on the bike. It's great. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, but that'll be nice. Nice Key West. Too bad you can't come, but it would be fun. Oh, well.

Sorry. Sucks. Are there books going to Key West? Probably not. Hey, it's a book segment. Go ahead. It's all you right there. And he's got nothing to say.

You know what I thought about the books is that... I think we're getting to a point, and this might be good for the publisher also. And this, you know, we used to, like, ship from your house and we get them all to the hang. And I thought you were going to move some here, actually. Can we also just say send you're doing great with, we're all on this together? Yeah. I don't know what their stock of that book is like. Are they, I have a bunch of them.

They probably do, too. Yeah. Yeah. I would think that we could do that. We should try that for one of these dates. Cool. because I think it would be nice to have two versions of the book. It's uncomfortable saying this in front of Kira

because last time we did the book signing, she got tackled by the security guard. She tried to infiltrate the line. That was very upsetting. You need to tell people who I am. They should know. Yeah. Maybe if you have a leftover name tag from your junior high reunion.

I look like Elda Barge in junior high. Full on Elda Bars. a barge. It was amazing. It's so cool. Did you put everyone's pictures on their name tags of what they look like when they were a kid? Yeah, we copied the yearbook. Wow, that's cute. Cut them all out.

We had the Hoover Hawks. Cute. And there was a hawk. There was a hawk perched right next to where we were on this really beautiful balcony. And it just sat there the whole time. And I did a quiz. Who got that? Who got that? I rented the Hawk. Yeah. And I did a quiz.

I quizzed. And I had prizes. Of course. Well, see, the job actually wasn't that difficult. You made it just great. I made it great. Everyone loved it. Yeah. And they're great.

I feel like San Francisco was another character that we grew up with. Uh-huh. You know, we just talked about growing up in the city. Yeah. We didn't, you know, we just ran around the entire city. Amazing. We would get on cable cars at 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock at night at 12, 13 years old with no plan. Just let's see where it takes us.

It's so great. Yeah. What were their feelings on San Francisco now? Was there a little bit of worry or are they like it'll be okay? A lot of them have to say it's going to be okay because they still live in the city and they're raising their kids in this. And of course it's not the whole city. The part that you and I drove through, frightening. And then we got to Pacific Heights and it was, you know, it was fine.

Got to North Beach and it was fine. Yeah, it's sad Except for the bed spatula Yeah, you had a bed spatula Yeah That was rough That was weird But we had a great junior high

I highly recommend it People listening Get a junior high reunion So do you think San Fran will come back In 10 years In 10 years Yeah It's everyone that's in charge

Leaves today Right Yeah you gotta get those people out first I know it sucks I know But you would a good childhood. You were there during the good times. But I get, yeah, was it really great times?

It probably was, I think we just had less focus on keeping our children safe. The city was still a city. It was still a city. We had bad parts, of course, of course. Did you know that as a kid's don't go to the bad parts? Yeah, I got in trouble once. My parents drove by a neighborhood I was not supposed to be in, as a coincidence. But we were looking for a party.

So we were in that neighborhood. How random that they just drove by? How old were you that you're looking for a party in San Francisco? We were probably 15, 14, 15. Yeah. You know, we jump on the bus as we go everywhere and I got in big trouble. Now that neighborhood, two million dollar townhouses. Wow.

Really? For sure. Jeez. So. Yeah. Just go priced out. Yeah. Amazing.

Joey. Yeah. I'm worried about our equipment. I'm worried about our podcast, but I think you'll be able to muscle through. We'll turn it around. Yeah. Yeah.

It really should be easier for you. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. Yeah, the equipment break it down at points isn't ideal. Yeah, it's not a great thing. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's what the backups are for. Yeah. Sags still on strike. unbelievable they came out cranky out of the they got a worse negotiation than what they were initially I don't know if this is possible

I don't know enough about it but what if we just said no more streaming services at all I know that that's silly because we're all on things like Netflix but I mean just we don't work we'll just go back to old

school networks. It was pretty great. It was great. And just it'll take time and starve them out. So we go back to work for the networks. Now I know they all just put millions of dollars into their peacock plus and things like that. That's not happening.

But, you know, maybe that's what needs to happen. Because these are tech companies. These network executives that work for, let's say, NBC. A lot of them started as a page. You know what I mean? Or an assistant or, you know, breaking down a bed, right? Things like that. Yeah.

You learn about the industry. And but these Hulu people and Amazon, they're just tech people. They're just all about algorithms and traffic on the internet. They're not connected to it. It's not like they went to film school. Yeah. So they have no heart and soul into it. And I think now it's just time.

I could be crazy. It probably won't happen. but as a Russian gypsy, that's what I see is the only solution. Well, it's not going to happen. It won't. Yeah. But in an alternate universe, which we might be living in. I don't understand why the writers were able to, like, what's the difference?

What's the hang up for the, for SAG that. Because no one cares about actors. Because there are a trillion actors. So you think it's probably more the AI thing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And there are other things too, but nobody, actors have never been respected.

I don't know why you don't watch South Park anymore, but I check them out the other night just because they're always so on point with whatever's going on. And they had a great episode about kids in school using AI to talk to their girlfriends who they don't know how to talk to. That's great. So Chat GP2 is doing that. And then they started cheating on their tests. and then the teacher learned that you could write all of your grades

and the narratives for the report cards on chat. So everybody's using chat GPT. And then some guy comes in to bust it and it becomes complicated. So they're like, how are you going to get out of this? And he said, let me ask chat GPT. And then chat GPT told the rest of the South Park episode. And at the end it was written by Trey Parker and chat GPT. It was so well done.

And that's where it's headed. Yeah, but also, it also showed how bland and kind of lame at it. And it was just Trey. It would have been whatever, but you did feel like the formulaic regurgitation of the arts. That is what AI is going to give you. Mm-hmm. Which could be acceptable because a lot of people eat garbage. For sure.

People eat a lot of red dye number four, and they just don't care. Yep. So maybe these studios don't care. And it's going to get better. It will become more advanced, and there will be nuance. And right now it's just, it's infancy. And they're sitting on a treasure trove of images and sound bites from all these actors and all these shows throughout time, and they can just use them, you know, like Tom Hanks says, like they could, they have

so much on me that they can make films to the end of time with all of the footage and stuff that I've said and appeared in. Crazy. But... What? This is not a SAG program. This is just us. Just chatting.

Yeah. We're not bound by the unions. We're just our own rogues out here on a pirate ship with some microphones and some faulty equipment. And dysentery. Anything you want the people? to know. Any shows you want to plug? What am I doing? I never know when these come out. This comes out in 2025, right? Tuesday. Oh, just Tuesday? Oh, I'm sure I'm somewhere. Go to Kira Comedy on

Instagram. You'll find me. That's a good promo. And you could also see us in Cedar Falls in St. Paul, Minnesota. We've got a huge show at the NJ Pack on Saturday in Newark, New Jersey. We also have some shows coming up in Key West, which we'll just have to keep tuning in to see whether not cure is allowed to go. Go to tompapa.com for all of that fun stuff. That's it. We'll see you next week. We got it, Joey.