Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 178 - "Can I Papa?"

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

Next round is on me. Formerly titled 'Colorado.' Thank you to our sponsor Caldera + Lab! Get 20% off top tier skin products at https://www.calderalab.com/papa Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey! Don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey! Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread. I'm Tom Papa. Here's my pal Kira. Hey.

Nice to see you. I'm trying to match your wine. Oh, yeah. Trying to match. See you a little. Yeah. A little magenta. All right.

Something. We see. We would like to thank the good people at Caldera Lab. You know if we were wondering. why my skin's so great? I do wonder. And is that why you asked me to cover it up with a beard? No, I'm really, really curious.

I do have good skin. Like, you should look much worse. I know. Season's greetings, more like seasons compliments, because compliments are guaranteed after making the leap to skin care with Caldera Lab. And just for our audience, we have an exclusive deal.

You're not beating this offer. Use Papa P-A-P-A at Caldera. Caldera Lab, C-A-L-D-E-R-A, Caldera Lab.com. And 20% off right now, 20% off at calderaLab.com with the code Papa. I use it every day. I'm not lying. Really? I'm not lying.

That's impressive. I know. A lot of people don't keep up with their skincare routine. I know. It's good for you. You know what they're called? Gross. I try to.

You know, you got a... You got good skin. It's not bad. I've been thinking about you because I really... feel like there's a movement in my home of, we have this pool and now that the kids are grown and gone, there's a feeling that we're not going to be splashing around as much as we did during kid time. Sure.

And you just kind of take a dip after running or whatever, and it's like you're kind of in and you're out. I still, as a Jersey kid, I'm still excited to swim in California. My wife thinks that we had a jacuzzi. it. Oh, definitely. Hot tub. Yeah.

Do people still say jacuzzi? I think so. If we add that to the pool, we'll use it a lot more. Yeah. It's a big job. It's a lot of jackhammering, restructuring, doing the pool, doing the thing. Big bucks. Yeah.

Big bucks. I kind of feel like get one of those barrel-shaped saunas. Sona. Put that on the deck right next to the thing. Yes. And go in there. I vote for that. I vote for that too.

Now you, I'll play my wife and you play Tom. Okay. I'm grading papers because I'm a great teacher. Hey, I'm going to be in Lincoln, Nebraska this week. I'm sorry, where are you? Lincoln, Nebraska? Oh. No, Lincoln.

When do you leave? Oh, I don't know. Ask Joey. I'm going to assume that's what you say to her every day. Anyways, let's go have sex. What? It's Tuesday. I have papers too.

Am I not doing this correctly? I assumed it's every Tuesday. You're not doing a good job. Okay, okay. Anyways, I'm really funny, and I'm going to write another book and listen to my podcast. I don't know what you talk about. What are you doing? I don't know who you are.

Oh, my God. Okay, let's get a sauna. You play my wife. You play my wife, and I'll be your wife. Okay, I'll be, you're right. I'll be Tom. Okay, okay. Tom, put your penis away.

Let me start. Oh, sorry. Kira says we should get a sauna instead of a hot tub. I'm not going to talk to you when your penis is out of your pants. That's not accurate? I don't know. This is, maybe I don't know you and Cynthia as well as I thought. I assumed.

Okay, let me be Cynthia. Let me give me another chance. Give me the chance. Take three. Take three. Will you try and be serious for two seconds? Sure. Asana is a great idea.

Tell Kira, she's smart. This is no help. This isn't helping. It's not helping me work on my argument. Why don't you be both? Do you just be both? All right, I'll be both. Okay.

Leave the penis part in because that's very accurate. Okay, go ahead. Action. I think maybe we should get a sauna and say, I feel like we would use the hot tub a lot more. Where are we going to put it? I think we could put it on the back deck. you know, because we don't have the table there anymore.

I think we'd have to reinforce the deck. Well, maybe, but I think it's still probably more practical, and it's really good for you, and we can just have this sauna, and then you'd jump in the pool after. That could be fun. I don't think it's as much fun as having a hot tub because the hot tub, we get a friend's over,

and we can use it year-round. When the girls come back, it'll encourage them to use the pool more. It's all about using the pool more. Is it, or is it about getting a good sweat on? so we can detoxify and feel better and I think it's more economical. I think we can get that for maybe one-tenth of the price and the amount of time that it would take to put in the other thing.

I was supposed to know all of this? Absolutely not. How would I know? I'm just doing a better job. Yes. Okay, can I solve this for you? This is the solution. Okay.

I'm going to solve it. I'm going to make your life. much easier. Thank you. You get both. Oh my God. Look, Caldera Labs is my sponsor. I guarantee you Caldera Labs will back me up. It doesn't even cover the lights. Okay, call Caldera Labs right now. They would totally agree with me. You get both. Listen, the jacuzzi is a big job, but the sauna is not. So the sauna should just be on top of the jacuzzi. For sure. When I want to be irresponsible in life, I think of former President Donald Trump. Okay.

Say what you will about them, dividing the country. The first time there's no peaceful transfer of power, crazy narcissist, whatever. Whatever you say about that guy, the one thing that he would say is definitely get both. For sure. Because it's not going to be our money. Yeah. We're going to get other people to do. it. Sure. The world is ours. Just

effing do it and we'll deal with the consequences later while we're sitting in our hot tub while your wife is in the sauna. Make America spa again. Yeah. That's my motto. That's the way. Maybe that's where he and I agree. Now is that a great way to be a person? Yeah. Maybe. It is. It is. I think so. You're going to use both. I just had a lady comic spa day yesterday at my house. Okay. Why wasn't Joey invited?

Because Joseph. Hey, Joey. We saw on it. We used my pool as the cold plunge, like Korean style. And then we went to the jacuzzi, and then we just, you know, we rotated. Did the little rotation. Cizzered? Yeah.

Right? You got a scissor. Right. I mean, that's why we're there. Yeah, but you have all this stuff already in. You know what it costs to put a hot tub into your pool? 50 grand. Nope.

If you're paying more, you're getting totally screwed. It is going to be more. Why? Double that. What are you doing? They're going to jackhammer the pool and then resurface all of that. Redo all of the decking because now you've cracked the portion of the pool. Now you're digging a hole and putting that thing and then building that into there.

Now you're running a gas line underneath the thing to get to the thing. It's a big-ass project. How much? Total. Probably 140. $140,000. $1,000. Now, tack on

$2,000 more. $142. And you have a sauna. Or don't tack on, just do the sauna, and you've got $2,000. There you go.

Right? You can. Come on. You can. You have a wife that you need to answer to. I know, and I love her to death. That's right.

And we had a friend that did it, and it turned into like a year-long project. Yeah. Because you're dealing with the structure of this pool. And then it sent cracks, and then things were leaking, and then it became this whole thing. And it went on and on and on. I don't like on and on and on. I don't like when someone comes to work on something in the house and they're there for more than 20 minutes. Get out.

I don't need a staff and people jackhammering and doing this stuff for a year. I don't want it. Then it's not for you. It's not for me. Do the barrel son. I'll tell you what cheap O-Tamming. Tommy would do. Cheap-o Tommy would do the barrel thing for two grand.

Well, he needs an outlet. Plug it in over by the gas. You're good to go. Also, we have this deck. My wife is going to be like, why would you even talk about this on the air? Because you know that I hate the idea. But you can go to Costco and get a five grand hot tub in a square.

And you just plop it on the deck and you fill it with water. And literally you're in a hot tub that night. Sure. People get a little skewed by it. cement over your real pool and put an above ground pool. Sure. You're thinking it's tacky. A little bit.

Do we care about tacky if we got our bodies in there and we're bubbling away? I mean, apparently we do. Obviously, you can take the boy out of Jersey, but. No, it's true. It's low-cost Tommy. I also have two kids in college. Well, that's expensive. It's expensive.

I was going to say, hey, you're not paying those private school fees anymore, but then I realize it's college. Sorry. Whatever. Sorry, my kids were still in public school. Or you know what you do? You go outside. You lie down on the lounge chair.

You get sun on your skin. And then you jump in the pool and take a shower and call it a day. And I have all my money. Get the sauna. She'll fall in love with it. She loves sauna. Then just get it. Get it.

Settled. We did it. Did I trim my beard too much? No, looks great. Very nice. Do you want to hear about our adventures in Colorado? Yes. Abraham Lincoln and I went to Colorado.

He let me know that he doesn't want to be called four ounce anymore. What? He said that four ounces is demeaning and it makes him feel like a pipsqueak. Okay. No more. Done. I have you saved? He came back and he said, I was in the lobby.

We were in Fort Collins and we were in Colorado Springs. We were doing beautiful shows with tons of people. And I don't know if he made this up or not, you tell me. He said, came back before the first show. He was out there selling books in the lobby pre-show. And he said, someone came up and asked if I was Abraham Lincoln. And it was pretty nice to be recognized as Abraham Lincoln. And I said, you like that more than four ounce?

And he said, yeah, you know, four-ounce makes me sound like pipsqueak. I guess it is a little more noble to be addressed as Abraham Lincoln. Yeah. Now, first question, did that really happen? I think so. Okay. Yeah. He's honest.

He's honest, Dave. I know that you like the nickname four ounce a lot better. It's in your phone as four ounce. I change it immediately. I initially had him saved as 10 inches. So does that better? What does that mean? It's just a...

Hey-oh. What? No, does that make you feel better as a man? Ten inches? Yeah. Why was it 10 inches, though? It's just rumors. I just heard rumors, so I just decided to, that's how I saved you.

But if you want Abraham Lincoln, who is known for a small penis? Oh, no. No, Tom and I talked about the nickname. Yeah, I think I have been recognized as Abraham Lincoln more than four ounce. Which means once. It's been a couple times. I also in the lobby, somebody asked me, I was standing at the merch table. somebody comes up to me and goes, are you

Tom Papa's son? Aw. I was like, this could have been anyone standing at this table selling you merch. Very strange. Obviously not a real fan of mine because if you... They know you have daughters.

But one of them could have transitioned. That's really hip nowadays. You know? It's in vogue. So we're cruising around. We're doing the books. It was great shows. We're having a fun time. We're in a...

We're in a rental car for a really long time. And we had a good time. It was fun. I think I gave Joey his most elegant hotel experience of his life. Yeah, definitely. Is it? Yeah, that was incredible. Was it that nicest hotel you've ever been in?

I think so, yeah. How about that? It's not a high bar. Well, I didn't know. It's really not. I didn't know how the kid has been living. No, I'm still at the point where any hotel excites me. Yeah, we were in a spring hill in something the night before.

Sure. And I was like, sorry. And he was like, it's the second nicest place I've ever been. Got excited about the little soap. We stayed at the Broadmoor in Colorado Springs. It's very elegant, beautiful place. we ate outside well I ate and Joey shivered

it was 48 degrees and he kept saying good thing I checked the weather report so I'm prepared and he kept saying he was prepared but he was shaking like a leaf and his hands were blue

as we were trying to eat lunch outside is beautiful Colorado air gorgeous sunshine you could smell the pine trees were right at the foot of of the Rockies, and he shivered the whole time. It was cold, though.

It was definitely cold. Yeah, I had a jacket, if you're listening, Mom. I brought my jacket. Yeah, and it wasn't enough. Not enough, no. I think Mom should re-up. Christmas time, get this kid a real jacket. Oh, poor 10-inch.

No, I'm trying to see if it'll stick. Yeah, that won't stick. We also, that night, we had talked about maybe smoking a cigar after the show at the hotel. And so I went down to the bar with like two jackets, basically, you're preparing. Yeah, they sold cigars, but I think that it was for outdoor smoking, maybe. I didn't smell a cigar. I didn't, I saw a guy buying them, but it was this beautiful bar in there, open late, which is great, in the hotel.

Fantastic. It was a really nice place. Chris Voth, who opened for me, Colorado resident, he came along. and that was a funny moment. We're in this, you know, it's nice. It's like we get to stay in the same place. We have our food. We have drinks.

I had a very weak martini. That was disappointing, but the presentation was great. I said, do you like some food? You said, sure, we're ordering our food. Abraham Lincoln orders a cassidia. And she said, said okay great would you like some guacamole with that and he Abraham Lincoln froze and because it's extra how did you know because it's extra and he said is the is it extra and she said

um yeah yeah I think they charged the two dollars for the guacamole and he looked up at me and said can I get it dad You said no, right? The waitress looked at me like, are you his father? Like, what's happening right now? Can I get it? I hope you said no. Do you feel like you earned it?

I was framed. I did say it as a joke, I think, but also. I don't think it was a joke. It was a joke with some truth behind it. And Tom was covering my meal. And I would be curious. Your meal? My, more than a meal.

Life. But I am curious then If somebody, you know, offers to buy you a meal And there's, what is like the most extra You can put into it before you check in with that person Like, oh, hey, is it all right if I do this or that? I think guacamole is on the list for sure. He definitely covers it.

For sure. I mean, you would have to go pretty far. What if he wanted a bottle of wine just for himself? Yeah. That's pretty far. That's kind of excessive. You don't need that. You don't need that.

Right. We have an early flight tomorrow. You roll into a place and you know that someone is picking up the tab. You just don't go completely bonkers and you're good, right? Like. I like to be respectful. We went to a steakhouse. Yes.

Where were we? Salt Lake City. No. Oh. Salem. Salem, Oregon. Oregon. And we went out to a steakhouse after.

It was delicious. Yeah. And you did not ask, is this okay about anything? Zero. Zero. But with me, you know it's going to be expensive. Yeah, 100%. Like, there's...

It would be my mistake. It's on you. Yeah. If we walk into the place, then I know. You're ordering a tomahawk. Hey, you knew. You know what you're getting into. Yeah.

Yeah. There's no, you would have to get really abusive for in that situation. There's nothing on the, if it's on the menu, you can get it. If it's on the wine list, then you're in arrogant territory, right? If you're like, let me, I'm going to get a bottle. Then it's like, whoa, slow down, kid. Well, I just love that, first of all, someone asked if he was your son and then he literally. And then acted like, yeah.

Dad, can I? The look on the waitress's face, the server's face, I don't think we say waitress anymore. The look on the server's face was, is he doing a bit right now? I was. Always say you're doing a bit. Always.

It wasn't a bit to say, is it extra? Mm-hmm. You were concerned. You didn't know how to play it. That's okay. I mean, look, I enjoy that when we're on the, road that I'm showing you these places and showing you how to be a person. Look, don't feel bad.

Joey, listen, he is sitting on $140,000 right now. You get all the guacamole you want. You understand? He's saving $140,000. He was so excited. There was a chandelier in his room. What? He'd never seen that before.

Why? Because he's not royalty. We stayed. at the Waldorf once. We did? No, not you and I. Sorry, we, the royal, me and other people, and that are not in this room.

And for work, for something I was shooting. And I liked it, but I was like, it feels, it definitely felt like, this is, I'm, this is moldy. Like, it felt old. Oh, felt old. It felt old. Like it was the, maybe an older wing.

It had those doors where, you hang your dry cleaning on the outside because oldie time like that's what you had you had one outfit that you traveled with and the door had like a second door so where was it what city do you in manhattan yeah but it felt like I thought oh my gosh this is going to be yeah the fanciest I've ever stayed in and I walked in I was like I think we had a chandelier in our room to like yeah yeah but there is that line of like new, modern, really just classy, just up like high ash. And then...

Yeah. I've been around since 1908. I know. They're a little musty. There are places that still feel fresh even though they're older. Sure. Like this feels like the car... I stayed at...

I did a corporate gig at the Carlisle. Mm-hmm. That's a nice one. And for downtown Tommy, who usually stays below 14th Street, going and staying on Central Park. Park South and Fifth Avenue overlooking the park and this beautiful elegance. I mean, there's been a documentary about this hotel of like all the people that just love it and have been going there forever. That place had the classic feel.

It did not feel. You're in an elevator. There's someone's job to sit in the elevator and work the elevator. Yeah. But it all felt special. It all felt pretty great. Yeah. The hallway, walking through the hall actually, now that I think of it.

It felt a little like, a little bit like grandma's house. Right. But once you're in the room, you're like, all right, I can stay here forever. Yeah. But there is that new, I know exactly what you mean. You go to these places and they're a little musty. And then you go to a place like, I don't know, the peninsula or the montage or something like that. And those places are like new money.

Yes. Like it's new. All these places, by the way, completely insanely priced. Yeah. You only stay in these places when you're doing a corporate gig or somebody else is paying. I felt like that with Joey. I said I only come to these places usually when it's a company paying for it, but I'm paying for it.

And you do not eat guacamole tomorrow. It was really nice, though. But you come out of those places, as gross as they are, as way overpriced. You do feel well-rested. I mean, there was, when we stayed at the, this is, you know, we know, we talked about this. This is my philosophy on the road. It's like, you want to save some money? Just roll into the days in and just stay and stop being, don't be an asshole.

Yeah. It's fine. There's no security. There's people just roaming around. If you're going to murder somebody. That's the place. You're out on the road. You need some shut-eye.

That's where you stay. You get on the road and go do your killing. Right? You're not going to a place that's going to make you put your credit. your key card to get into the elevator to go to the proper floor. You don't want people looking at you. You want to know there's no cameras on you. You're in a murder spree.

You know what I mean? Yes. So I'm trying to stay to some nicer places, but it's a fine balance between being too expensive and safe and well-rested. When I woke up in that place that Joey loved, the Spring Hill Suites place, I woke up to the housekeepers who are adorable, just screaming in the hallway at 8 in the morning.

Just going to work and having fun and yelling and screaming. A guy farting upstairs, a guy coughing behind me through that wall. It's paper-thit. The walls are made of balsa wood. So, you know, you're experiencing at all. You're not well-rested. You're getting woken up without even knowing it all night long. I'm not being fancy pants is what I'm saying.

I like to be fancy when I can really stay. somewhere. It always breaks my heart when it's just one night in an amazing hotel and you don't really even get a chance to appreciate it or enjoy yourself. Right. I feel like if it's one night, all right, it's just one night. I can tough it out. Yeah. You know, you get home at midnight after the second show and your flights at seven, like just who cares. But then when I go on vacation, I want to enjoy every little bottle of lotion and thing that they put out. And, And the shoe scrubber and just all of it. Yeah, like we booked, we're going to be, you and I will be in St. Paul, Minnesota and Cedar Falls that same weekend, right?

Cedar Falls. Well, we'll see if I make it. Oh, yeah. You may not be. You don't know how to book flights. And I was, we're going to stay in St. Paul. It's one of my favorite places there. It's going to seem a little musty to you.

And there's a great restaurant and it's a great thing. And we're like three hours away. And my thought was, we're going to be in this nice place. We have to get up early and get up there. Yeah. So we can enjoy it. I know. I'll be there a little longer.

That is such a bummer. That you're not going to make it. I'll do it. I'll do it. That's going to be a fun one. Cedar Falls and St. Paul. Yeah. It's going to be pretty great.

I'm literally in the same spot next week. I'm going to. Rochester, Minnesota, and Lincoln, Nebraska, I'm in the same corridor going from Minneapolis. Oh, and by the way, I was right about the flight. You know, this is boring, but I was right about the flight. I have to do my radio show, so I can't be dicking around and taking this extra flight and getting in late afternoon. I got to get to Minneapolis and drive and be on the radio at noon. Mm-hmm.

So tell them to shut up. Okay. Wow. I don't know who they are. Angry, Tom. Yeah. Sounds like you need a song. Once in a while.

Once in a while, Jersey comes out. I'm getting ready because I'm going to Jersey this weekend. Oh, that's right. That's fun. You're going to see all your pals? Yes. All the high school kids? Uh-huh.

Is that good? Junior high? It's a little, it's a lot. Are there some from elementary school? Yes. That's amazing. Hold those people close. I do.

It's so great. I've already set the date on the calendar for the annual Christmas. dinner that we have every year. Yeah, that's, where do you have it? In New York. Oh, at a restaurant? Yeah. Okay.

About 15 of us. That's great. Gows and girls. Gals and girls? Okay. All right. So different aged women. Just all women.

We have toddlers. We have some seniors. Whoever. Gals and guys. It's got to be a girl. Yeah. And is that 15 people and then they bring spouses? So it's 30?

No. Oh, no spouses. Yeah. Spouses have never come. Ooh. Yep. Interesting. Because it's a very tight group and it always seemed in the beginning.

This would be really boring to make your spouse come to. You guys have all had sex, that's why. Most of us. Yeah, that's why. And it's like, yeah. I feel like we have to do maybe like an off-season one with the spouses. We tried to do it actually this summer. my buddy losing, none of the spouses we wanted to come.

So I think we've broken through to the other side. They don't want to hear those stories again. No. They've heard them. Here's who I don't trust. People who don't stay in touch with anybody. I get losing track of elementary school or junior high or even high school. But like, you don't have any college buddies or they're like, ah, I just don't keep in touch.

I know some of those people. What's wrong with you? Mm-hmm. These are the people that watched you get puberty and your first acne and your boobs came in. Like, they're a part of your childhood. I know. There are people that say, and I'm saying it like it's unusual, I think it's more unusual to still be friends with these people. I think it's much more unusual.

There's a lot of people out there that had a horrible time in school. Yeah. Had a horrible high school. They say high school is like the worst time in their life. life. So why would you want to keep in touch with all those people? That makes sense. I understand that.

I didn't have that experience. Right. I feel like part of it's kind of on you. If you had a bad time in high school? Yeah. Well, look, you have to find friends somewhere. Okay, maybe I didn't have any high school friends, but my taekwondo friends were nice. Right.

I mean, something. Yeah, right. Right, exactly. My Dungeons and Dragons pals. Yeah. Did you play sports? Yeah, people from the band. Keep in touch with somebody.

Yeah. But I recently was chatting with people because I mentioned I was planning the junior high reunion. And they were like, junior high, I never want to see those people. I know. Weird. And that was very. It is weird. Because those people were like bridesmaids in my wedding.

Right. Exactly. I don't know. I don't get it. Is it too early to start? ordering your turkey. No. We're kind of coming up on it, right?

You got to do it. We're a month away. Well, we get an organic one. So do I. Okay. So you have to get those fast. Is yours already reserved? Nah, maybe in a couple weeks.

Right, we're getting there, though. Yeah. It's time to start taking stock. But you haven't seen what's happening in our house right now. You send me a picture? Yeah, but that was just of the spooky crutch. Right. My husband has lost his business.

He's completely gone. And it might cost us $140,000 because every day there's a new box, a new delivery of like a scarecrow, but this one has a pumpkin head and then a pumpkin head scarecrow, but these eyes light up and they all talk. All of them. So all of these like Chucky Cheese animated skeletons are talking to you. I can't go get my mail. And this one skeleton's like, oh, looks like someone's here for the dead.

dungeon and like every single time I take a step, some goblin or ghoul. And I asked my husband, turn them off. Yeah, why can't you turn the volume off? He's like, well, they're on a, they're on a timer. They're on a, you know, when the sun goes down, these. I'm going to tell you a little secret, which you may not know, because you're a lady. There's volume on all these things. What?

Sneak out into the yard and feel around these crotches and you're going to find a button or a dial, and you can turn it all down. We have one guy that makes noise outside. It's two guys that do a dueling skeleton banjos. Ooh. And my wife can hear it and was getting annoyed by the, she's trying to do her work. And so you just go out and lower the volume.

Lower it, I want it off. Yeah, you could do that too. Yeah, because every time Amazon comes, the irony of Amazon is coming to deliver more of this nonsense. And as Amazon delivers it, the nonsense is like animated. And they come to life. How happy are the children? They love it.

There you go. And we have one of those neighborhoods where people from other neighborhoods come to walk around and see all the lunacy that's happening. And you know how there's that movie? I don't know if it's any good, but like I think it's, I don't know who it is, but Danny DeVito, whatever. But it's, you know, the Christmas decorations and they're competing with the neighbors, right? And they end up doing it.

some sort of power surge in the whole city, right? Like something terrible. Yeah. That's what our neighborhood is turning into. Everyone's competing. Now there's a new fog machine that you can get. Now there's an upgraded laser on the ground. You know there's a ground laser?

Have you seen these? Yeah. Yeah. So there's a ground laser. So everywhere you walk, your feet are like neon. And it never ends. And it's just each dad in the house next door just dropping their penis on the table going we'll take a look at mine and all the women are give me a dollar estimate of what you think

your husband is spent i don't even what's in the yard i don't know uh so many 10 grand probably yeah yeah for sure well he's having a good time he's having a great time he complains while he does it and i explained to him nobody's making you do this he oh he complains oh god oh my thumb like He's always, my husband is, if there's something to knock into, he will stub his toe. He will knock it. He will get his elbow caught in a thing. Always. What is your part other than taking the candy away from the children?

Is it, are you a costume, mom? I mean, I'll do it. Sure. Do they want costumes? Yeah. Joey, do you push that door closed? They want costumes. And do you make them, buy them?

Yeah. I have to put my 12-year-old. costume together every year. My eight-year-old, we just go into the Halloween store and she just points and we buy it. Right. And we're done. That's good. My 12-year-old is like, I found this website. They're located

in Paris. They can ship it for $50 overnight. No, no. We have Target. Like, no, why can't we just find something? I have to go to garage sales with him. He is. He likes to mix and match and piece things together.

What's he working on? This year, he's some sort of, I told you, I think he was a soldier in a past life, right? Yes. Yeah. So he's like working on some soldier outfit. Oh. Yeah. How did he meet his demise?

That's a great question. He doesn't talk about it? I don't think he does. He's a soldier and it's constant. Every day in our house, he's shooting at some imaginary enemy. You know what he could use? What could he use, Tom? He could use some skin care products.

I think you're right. You know, there was one thing about when you watch all of the old documentaries and stuff of people who fought in all of the wars throughout olden times, they were brave. They were often thrown into conflicts far from home, and they had no skin regimen. Zero. If you watch Band of Brothers, very dramatic, intense. harrowing tails, triumphant tails, bad skin all around. Not us, we've got Caldera Lab. I use a thing for my eyes.

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So I'm just letting you know, Joey, you can always use that under your eyes. Not in your eyes. Under. How's he going to afford it? Yeah, I know. He's almost homeless. Why?

It's a whole thing. Oh, no. Yeah. Can he sleep here in the studio? No. Why not? We have thought about it. Why can't he sleep here?

There's a nice little. We talked about it, maybe a sleeping bag. But, you know, you put a human body someplace. It's going to get funky. Yeah. Well, he's not dead. That's what, yeah. Dead would be more intense, but short-lived.

This would be mildly upsetting for a long period of time. Well, you have two extra bedrooms. Both your daughters are away at college. I wouldn't call them extra. Well, you have two bedrooms that your son could live in. I don't have a son. Goodness. I have to go back out onto the road.

Okay. I'm going to be gone for a week, a little bit over. Oh. And, yeah, when we come back from Lincoln, Nebraska, where we're doing our show, that's the next time I'll be back home. And I have to say, it's really getting in the way of my baking. I wanted to make pumpernickel bread. I got up this morning at 7 to get these two loaves of bread done. I'm not even going to get to eat them.

Because I'm going to be on the road. Sorry. That is so difficult. It is difficult. I'm thinking about you during this difficult pump or nickel free time. Whatever. I feel like you're not being really honest. I am not.

You are correct. Being home, especially this time of year, is the time that you start baking stuff. You start planning out your organic turkey. You start getting into all that stuff. This is the most intense month of the year for the road. So I'm happy to do it. I'm excited to go on the road.

Of course. But I don't get to do any of the home things. Well, will it be there when you get home or no? It'll be gone. What will be there? If you make the bread, will your wife eat it? I do freeze bread. Yeah.

Yeah. Freeze it. I'm meeting a friend after this podcast for wings. He loves wings. Yes. And I'm going to meet him and we're going to eat wings. That's great. Are you allowed to eat wings?

Yes. You could eat wings? I can, but they have to be specific. Just not breaded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if they're just wings and sauce, oh, no, the sauce. No sauce. No sauce.

But they can be like salt pepper, lemon, garlic, you know. So if it was an old bay wing, that wasn't coated in a sugar-based. Baked. It has to be baked, too? I don't know. Why are you asking these questions? Because I was like, oh, maybe this is a thing that Kira can eat. It depends.

I can't. Right. But not wings the way that people think of wings. Right. Right. I make wings at home. You make a wing. Delicious.

How do you do it? Oh, God, it's amazing. First of all, I coat them first in ghee. Mm-hmm. Which is kind of like a robe that you wear. Yes. Right. A ghee.

And then I season them up. Different, different, you know. Joey, do you know what ghee is? It's butter. It's butter. Clarify butter. clarify, but it's another state of butter. Of being butter. Yes.

Gotcha. But it like holds in. You coat them in that. Yes. And then. And then salt, pepper, whatever I'm doing, lemon, garlic, whatever flavor, you know, paprika. Nice. Bake them up. And then flip them and then do a quick

broil. Nice. So lift up the thing, do a quick broil, get them nice and crispy. I like it. Oof, I make a homemade ranch. Nice. And then I make a hot sauce.

You have blue cheese? Yes, of course. Okay. But I make a homemade hot sauce too. You do? So I'll put butter, garlic in a pan, put some francs. Hot, you like francs? Yeah.

Again, some salt, some more cayenne. You know what I mean? And then I do a homemade sauce. Nice. And then I toss them in that and dip them in a homemade ranch. Oh, that's great. It's amazing. You would not eat them if they were fried.

Probably not. Maybe. It's not a huge violation, but it's just done a... We'll see. It's in line with the diet, but not with your health. Sure. Right? Yeah.

But yeah, no, I love wings. All right. That's good to know. I'll make some for you. That's good to know. We can get them in Cedar Falls. Okay. I feel like what else you're going to eat there.

Well, cheese. So we have Cedar Falls. We have St. Paul, Minnesota. Yeah. Lincoln, Nebraska. Yep. Was there something else? Yeah, in November.

That's November, yeah. In November? November, we're going to... Oh, Kansas City, Missouri and St. Louis, Missouri. Yes. Yeah. Right. Awesome. Those are a lot of dates.

A lot of steak on all these places. I'm going to have all of it. And I might, you know, hide by myself in a booth without you. I know you want to be alone. I get it. Does Abraham Lincoln come on any of those? Hope so, yeah. Got to get ahead still probably

See what those flights cost Well since he's homeless you might as well bring him Yeah you'll be up So he'll have So he'll have shelter at least Provide some shelter at least Provide some shelter You know what else Joey chandeliers got this weekend

Joey chandeliers That one might stick I like that one That one sounds like a mob name I think I might be his dad He gets to go to this fancy He gets to go to these destinations He gets to go to the fancy hotel.

He gets a chandelier in his room. He gets the guacamole. He is first to board on the plane because I'm a concierge key on American Airlines, which I think you've benefited from. I have. Then we landed in a remote location of LAX, where you finally land after your arduous journey, and then you've got to get in line at the end of your trip,

and then get on one of two shuttle buses that takes you across the tarmac to the real terminal. So you're exhausted, you're spent, you're hot, you're bothered, and now you're jammed in like a sardine with all these other people after a 20-minute wait on this line unless someone greets you when you come off of the plane and says, Mr. Papa, would you like to go in this black suburban with us and head straight over there?

Yes, can I bring my son? And they drive you over to the other terminal. Oh, my God. This is the kind of life this kid is living. He doesn't even know how good he has it. He doesn't. We spoil these kids. Jelly chandelier.

You buy him costumes from Paris, and you have all these things shooting off crotches and pumpkin men in the... What are we doing? No one did this for us when we were children. Nobody cared. Halloween, shut up. I'm going out trick-or-treating. What is that?

Just be home by eight. Shut your face. Wow. I hope you're saying thank you. Oh, yeah. You better get a nice Father's Day card. Mm-hmm. Thank you, Tom.

Whatever. It's really living the life. Speaking of children, I'm going to go pick mine up. I know. Listen, I know. You do? I do. I know what you're thinking.

Now this conversation I know. The Cynthia one I didn't. I know this conversation. All right. Who do I play? You play you and I'll play me. Okay. And I'll tell you how it ends where you go.

I understand. That's the end. Spoiler. That's it. Okay, I'm playing me. What do you, we're going to, okay, so next we're going to talk about. Nope. Why?

I got to go. Where? First of all, my car could be towed by now. I parked in. Illegally. Illegally. Not to be insensitive, but not my problem. You're right.

You're right. So I might have to Uber to pick up my kids from school. Why don't these kids find their own way? I mean, I wish, I wish legally they could. I think I'd be arrested if I just told my kids, figure it out. When I was raising children back. and when I had kids in the house. Six months ago.

I would tell them, get a ride. Not around. Get a ride. Yeah. And they would do it. They came home every time. I'm sure, you know, you guys went to a fancy school. There's probably a black sedan waiting saying, would you like a ride?

They were concierge key in my house. Yeah, concierge key high school. All right. Well, good luck. I hope you, uh, I guess, don't have. We should do a podcast in Lincoln. We could. We could.

Joseph, make it happen. We could. Yeah, 10 inches. I don't know if we could. Yeah, we'd see. We've got this big thing here for the sound and it'd be fun, but yeah, definitely a little bit of a process. It takes Joey 24 hours to edit these episodes. I can only imagine what one from a remote location would do.

You can do it. Go to Tompapa.com. Look up all the dates that we just mentioned. We're also doing a lot of book signings at the events, and all the stuff is there, Tompapa.com. Where's your dates? On my Instagram. On your Instagram.

Kira Comedy. All right. We got it, Joey.