Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 180 - Breaking More than Bread

Episode Date: November 7, 2023

The opinions of Kira are her own, and not endorsed by Breaking Bread.    Thank you to our sponsor Wild Grain! Any combination of breads, pastas and pastries shipped to you, plus $30 off the first box and free croissants when you go to https://www/wildgrain.com/papa.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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the right support and a few breakthroughs, it becomes something more. Make RBC Training Ground your breakthrough moment. Start your journey to Team Canada today at rBC trainingground.ca. It's time for breaking bread with Papa. Hey, don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Welcome, everybody, to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa and my pal, Kira Soltonovich.

We're very excited that you. you're here. We would give you bread, but you're not here here. You're just kind of out there in space. You could have come by, and we would have given you lots of things to eat, right? No, I have nothing. All right, so it was a lie. Thank you to the good people. Oh, we have a new sponsor today. This is exciting. This one is right up our alley, as the kids say. Kind of makes me wonder why we didn't think of this ourselves. Huh. I'm curious now. This episode is brought to you by Wild Grain. Wild Grain is the first ever bake from frozen subscription box for sourdough breads, fresh pastas, and artisanal pastries.

So you order from them, and they send you frozen sourdough bread, and then you just have to bake it for like the last 25 minutes of its process. Wow. That kind of thing. That's fast. It's fast. And man, I feel like, why didn't we think of this? You can now fully customize your wild grain box so you can get any combination of breads, pastas, and pastries you like. For a limited time, you can get $30 off the first box plus free croissants in every box when you go to wildgrain.

com slash papa to start your subscription. That's wildgrain. slash Papa, P-A, or you can use a promo code Papa at checkout. Pretty exciting stuff. I was just baking bread this morning, and it came out all right. What did you make? Just two sourdoughs, two sourdough loaves. Just a classic.

Classic. Nothing. You didn't sprinkle a few something in there. Nothing. Nothing sprinkled. Okay. Because as of the recording of this, we have a Halloween party that's got to get put together. And that means I have to race from here and start cooking chili.

Oh, I have a chili that you would love. Why don't you leave your family on Halloween and come to my house? Can you freeze it for me and then ship it to my house? I can freeze it for you. I will not ship it. That's our business. Chili that's chilled, chilled chili. Wild meat.

Chilled chili. And then we ship frozen chili and people just have to cook it up. Cold-ass chili. Yes, for the last few minutes of the cooking. Come on, they open up the box and it has like that smoke, that dry-eyes smoke that comes out. Come on. Lincoln, back me up. Sounds like a lot of work.

No, what? You just said you wanted a side hustle, like the wild grains. Yeah, but. Get your chili. Now I got to get a freezer guy. You put your hot chili in people's mouths. You would love this chili. There's not even a single bean in this chili.

I'll eat it immediately if you ship it to me. All meat. 100% meat. I will see you on Wednesday. Will you bring some for me on Wednesday? Yes, I can do that. Okay. There you go.

All right. Now if I ship my pants, I'll know you're lying to me. Hey. Why would you shit your pants? I'm just saying you're promising me that I'll love it. and I'll like it and it won't give me a tummy ache. But if I do, I'll know. Well, let's be clear.

I said you would like it. I said you would love it. I did not say that it would not give you a tummy egg. Okay. It might. It might. If it's really well done. Chili, then you throw in a little sour cream, a little cheese.

I love those. Those are hot sauce. Yes, all of it. Okay. Really good stuff. I'm on board. Joey, do you have a costume? Not.

any great ideas right now. It might just be throwing on a jersey or something. Oh, boy. Are you dressing up for your children? I am. I'm going to do like a mishmosh, mishmosh of all the things I have in my closet. I'm going to be a steampunk lady.

Oh. Yes. That's cool. Yeah, that's fun, right? Because it's crazy hat and those goggles. Right. And just as long as you have something jingly and jangly and a weird vest that looks like your lungs are, like half your lungs are coming out.

Right. Yeah. Code word for boobers. No, boobs are different. You know, we forgot to mention, we've a lot to talk about today, but we forgot to mention how you saved Abraham Lincoln's life. I did. We were on tour in, when we talked a little bit last time about being in Colorado and doing the shows and him ordering guacamole and all that good stuff, what we didn't talk about was that. While we, Joey and I, were confined to the small SUV space, we were, I was under assault because he had tuberculosis that weekend and was coughing pretty much on every breath.

Every single breath, he would say, yeah, I think we should. Joey, what times the show tonight? It's seven. Oh, my. So, partially to help Joey and also to save myself, we called you from the road, from the freeways of Colorado. And we said, please, Kira, cure this, not only cure this boy, but save his life. Well, you know, two years ago for Halloween, I was a witch doctor.

So that's what I mean, you know, that's, it's kind of, it's your thing. It's my thing. When I got COVID way back in 20, whatever, 1991, I knew I shouldn't worry because you showed up at my door within six hours with bags of potions. Chicken bones. Cures. Yeah. And you loaded me up with stuff. You were so excited that I got COVID.

Because you had a project. You could do something. Can you imagine being one of those people? That's like, oh my God, you broke your leg. Yes. You get excited. You get to mend something. I was not excited.

You got COVID. I was excited that I was in town and in your neighborhood. Right. And I was like, I'm driving over. Don't worry. Meanwhile, I'm watching you through the window of your house. You're fine. You were on a Zoom.

I kept going with my radio show. Animated and full of life. Yeah, it didn't really, it wasn't really nasty when I got it. Yeah. But I think also, because we jumped on it and you gave me a lot of weird cures. And then you said a couple of friends that tested positive the same day as you were still sick for much longer. And you tested negative within, what, five days? Yeah, like probably six days.

Six days. Something like that. Yeah. When you see people outside jogging by themselves in California wearing a mask today, do you think that those people, you can't tell, but do you think that those people have, are compromised in some way or they live with somebody so they just are on high alert? Or do you think there's a mental breakdown? What percentage?

I'm sure there are certain people who feel like I have to take care of. Nana, so I'm going to be safe. But I think it's, what's the diminishing returns? What's the thing? The law. The law of diminishing returns. It's like at this point, sure, if this was May 2020, absolutely, I get you. But now at this point, I don't think you're doing as much good as you think, or as much

prevention as you think you're doing. Right. And now you, psychologically, I feel like you think, well, I'm being. safe and then you'll actually go do something that's unsafe. Or my favorite was, it was right here. It was right here a few years ago, right on this street. This guy yelled at this woman for not wearing a mask outside. I was walking by and I saw the whole interaction.

He was getting in his car and he was yelling at this woman who was standing there with her dog and her dog sniffing around and he was like, you're going to kill yourself and everyone around. you and he's screaming at her and he's like triple masked and then he gets in his car and I watch all of this. I'm paying my meter. I'm just sitting there watching. This was late 2020. In the height. So in the height, I get it.

He gets in his car, he pulls out his phone, he's pulling into traffic while texting on his phone like for like full on scrolling. And so he's just taking one I'm being super safe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then acting like in a completely unsafe way.

And it's just kind of, it made me feel like, hmm, yeah. Humans are naturally hypocrites. Yeah. Full of, but when you guys called me in the car, I, I googled the nearest Whole Foods. Yes. And I called them to make sure they even had these things in stock,

because I would feel horrible if you got off the freeway. And then they were like, oh, we're all out of black seed oil. Yeah. But you got it. And then what? happen, Joey? I got better, I think. I think I'll never get sick again.

Oh, that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said. It was so insincere. That was very sincere. You think so? No, I think that was him sincere. I know it's hard to tell. I have to say, he was really complaining when he first took everything. He was like, oh, this tastes horrible.

Look at the size of this pill. Yeah. And you have to break it down because of his size. but it looked like a pill was like a wine bottle in his hand. Well, you told me that and I go, you don't have to take them anally. I mean, I don't know why you were complaining. But we saw each other probably three days after that and no cough.

Yeah. Yeah, I was on the tail end, I thought, when we started that trip, but it was definitely any time I laughed or responded. Or breathe. Breathe, maybe. Or talk to you. You know, when I was alone in my room. I wasn't coughing.

I would see you. I would, you know, talk, start to cough. So, yeah. You saved his life. I saved his life. I did get a message from Beth. I think that's her handle. It has the word Beth in it.

And then a whole bunch of gobbly gook on Instagram. And she said, when do we get to see Abraham Lincoln's face? I know. Well, it's kind of ironic. The reason our listeners don't or viewers don't see Abraham Lincoln's face is because of Abraham Lincoln himself. He's the one that sets the cameras. Ah.

So I would say to you, he doesn't want you to see his face. We can work on that. It's part of the mystery. I don't know if we need it. We don't need it. We probably don't need it. But I have ended up on.

It would be cool to kind of like shoot over, like, yeah, actiony newsroom. You could see all the stuff that's going on here. There's a lot going on here. What about we split the difference and it's just the back of his head? I like that, like a mystery. Yeah. Yeah.

Like Charlie. I'm at the control center. Yeah, you see his hands. You see his hands, maybe a subtle cough every once in a while. I think that would work. Oh, speaking of germs, can I tell you what I did yesterday? Please. I hosted seven 12-year-olds in my house.

And I don't think I'll ever do it again. This water tastes weird. It tastes liquidy. No? Where's it from? I got it from Vons. I did crack it open today. I don't know.

I don't know why it'd be weird. Did you taste it? Yeah, let me see. I mean, it has a full body. Do you ever when you... I sent a nutmeg? Like there are certain things in this world that you know the taste of without ever remembering having tried tasting it.

It's water. Like silly putty? What? Or a balloon. Like, you know what a balloon tastes like. Wow. Did you ever eat a balloon? No.

You've put your lips on that. Yeah. This tastes like a balloon. No. No. It tastes like water. Really? Yeah.

Mm. I'm sorry. Like the water from a Vaughn's restroom. Where he filled up. No, there's something rubbery plasticy about that water. Oh, interesting. I don't know. I mean, I prefer rubbery plastic.

I'm sorry, I interrupted you. Go on. Oh, I had a bunch of 12-year-olds in my house. I thought they were 7-year-olds. Well, no. Oh, 7-12-year-olds? Yeah, yes. 12-year-olds? Yes.

How many? Seven-12-year-olds. Seven-12-year-olds. Seven children. Boys or girls? Both. Both. And they lost their goddamn minds.

Whoa. They were outside in my backyard. It was like a little Halloween, like a little mini Halloween thing. Mm-hmm. You know, but I did make a meat face out of prosciutto, and it looked disgusting. That's cool. It was amazing. And then I had these little fingers, sausages, and then I cut the ends and put little red, bloody nails.

I did, yeah, I did a crazy. You went all out. Oh, I did an avocado, and I drew a face on it. It was like, and then I poured the guacamole coming out of it. Like, it was vomiting guacamole. I know, I'm so Pinterest. Look at you. And then these savages.

lost their minds. I don't remember that. I don't remember like getting together with my friends and then just a mosh pit started in my backyard. And they're knocking each other over and kicking each other in the face, swinging a jacket. This one kid, Frankie got like a laceration.

I had to text his mom. Hey, I'm really sorry. Frankie's bleeding. But I cleaned him up and I put a bandaid on an eyebrow. It's going to hurt so much when he takes that band-aid off. But he was full-on bleeding, just a gash in his eye,

and just they, like, went crazy. And there was no sugar involved. They just saw each other. And it was like the Coliseum. Like, it was like Romans just battling. Well, 12. And there were boys and girls? Boys and girls.

So were the boys showing off for the girls? I'm sure that's part of it. All that stuff going on. Something happens. It's Halloween. It's like a pilot light gets lit up. Yeah. And they just.

And you just let them go. And we let them go. Well, they were in my backyard. They lost their minds. And they were in the front. Did they eat the prosciutto face? Nobody ate the prosciutto face. No.

They didn't want it. They were scared. They were like, it looks so good. That is, someone did that. Someone came, someone came to my Halloween party one year with a charcutory board like that. Yeah. And using the prosciutto is skin. So good.

Yes. So good. But I mean, you got to eat that. You got to eat it. Prochuto. So good. No, they ran around outside. We have a lot of neighbors that decorate and do all the crates.

Like, my husband has lightning and thunder in front of our house. Wow. So they just, it was like another level. Maybe it was, was there a full moon? It was a full moon. It was full moon. Because I went to see the nightmare before Christmas at the Hollywood Bowl. That's awesome.

It was really, have you ever seen it? I have. It's really, really good, right? It's really, really good. Did you have Danny Elfman come out and singing? No. He came out. He's the original Jack.

Yeah. And he, and also wrote it. Incredible talent. He came out, he sang all of Jack's parts. Oh, that's so cool. It was impressive. Really impressive. Oh, wow.

But I only bring it up because it was a full moon. Oh, last night. This was last night. I think it was last night. You know how it looks full for a couple days? Yeah. And you blame your behavior on whichever days. appropriate. Yes.

Well, I don't know if I'll ever have more than two 12 year olds at the same time again. Oh, he must have been psyched though when everyone left. He loved it. And they watched a little bit of that, the haunted house movie. Which one? The one with

The haunted house movie. The haunted house movie? The Disney one. Oh, the ride. Oh, haunted mansion. Oh, that's right. Sorry. Right? I was like, you guys can watch a little bit, but you guys should be I was disappointing because that ride was so great. It's fantastic.

It's so good. And it's very poorly executed. Yeah, the movie's not great. Yeah. I had my experience on that ride when I was like eight years old, absolutely terrified the whole way. And just like, it's going to be over. It's going to end eventually.

And then we're pulling up to the end of the ride. I'm like feeling relief finally. And then the intercom goes, and now the ghosts will follow you home. And I was like, God damn it. I'm not escaping this. Well, they do that thing at the end where you're in the car and they whip it and then there's a ghost sitting next to you. Yeah.

Yeah. We took my daughter on that when she was six months old. That's okay. It's fine. They don't know what's happening. Yeah, she doesn't know yet. And the bar closed and she was on the outside of the bar. I was like, we've got to get her on the inside.

We couldn't. She just, we held her on the outside of the bar the whole time. It is pretty powerful. I've had bits in my act about how I'll never go back to Disney and the hellish experience when you're with your children in Disney. I mean, it really, and it's hardly an exaggeration. It can be a nightmare. But now that the kids are grown, it's like when you break up with somebody

and you're like, she was pretty great. Why did we break up? It's kind of like that with Disney. It's like, oh, I kind of miss going. went into the haunted mansion. But would you really go right now? No. No.

No. So my sister-in-law, who my love, absolutely loves Disneyland. For her, it's like me going to a Korean spa. Yeah. She just goes sometimes to go on one ride. She lives close. Go on one ride. Go get a bite to eat and leave.

What kind of insanity is that? What kind of person? Do that? She doesn't have children. She does. He's an adult now. He's a grown-in-old. Yeah. Well, this is, I'm glad you brought this up because this is something I was talking about when I went to see the nightmare before Christmas at the Hollywood Bowl. There are a lot of people dressed up.

Grown-ups with no children around. One lady was dressed like a pumpkin. She had orange crocs and orange and green tights, and she was the shape of a pumpkin and looked like a pumpkin. Very impressive. then there was a bunch of, you know, a lot of people dressed up like their favorite characters and their grownups. And my wife was like, what do you think of these people?

And normally I would be, and I have said, there's, they're brain damaged. But life is hard. And if you watch the news and stuff, people are freaked out. We've been freaked out. It keeps getting freakier. Local crime, global wars. You want to dress up like a pumpkin and drive down to Disney and go on the haunted mansion

and have a corn dog and then drive home? If that's going to make you happy, if that's going to give a little pressure release valve, go for it. It's no different than people putting on jerseys and going to watch hockey games. games. Yeah. It's no different from people playing video. Everyone needs an escape.

You have the confidence to go out in public, dress like a moron, good for you. Good for you. You're better than I am. But you know what I mean? Yeah, we all have our version. I don't want to judge them too much. No. But we all have our version.

There's like, you know, there's like a feeling of like, we all have our version of what, of Disney, of that thing that you do. Yeah. Yeah. And truth be told, I'm envious of people that have those things a lot. Like I always find myself, I tried to get into comic books as an adult. I tried to get into video games. I just see people having so much fun and checking out of reality.

And they're enjoying it so much. I'm like, I want to do that too. Weed. Everyone's in California. It's weeded at every stop. I'm jealous of them. They all seem to have a great escape. I try it.

Yours is bread. Yours is bread. You bake bread. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. That's your weird thing. That's true.

Sit there slapping it around. Women seem to be very into my hands when I post on. Yeah. What is that? Because you're slapping around a big pasty ass. I mean, that's what you're doing. You're like, whoop. Oh.

Yeah. And then you spread it, and now you got two asses, and now it's an orgy. And then you're... It's an origin, you're diddling it. It's a weird number of comments are like, ooh. Yeah, I can see that. And it has a quack sound, and it's very... AMRS.

What is that, Joseph? ASMR. Okay, thank you. I'm so old, I don't even know it. I know your generation is into it. And then yours is... Naked. Naked sweating.

Naked with Koreans. Naked with Koreans. Doesn't have to be Koreans. I prefer Koreans. If you didn't live with a family, would you walk around naked in your house? Yeah. I mean, would I? I do.

You do? I mean, not like, full on like, hey, kiddos. Good morning. Well, you don't have to shake your tattas. I don't shake it. Do you, if you wake up. up and you have no clothes on and you remember something in the kitchen will you just walk out into the kitchen not that i have not not i have a 12 year old son now yeah yeah yeah yeah i want to be

appropriate right okay again we've talked about this that's why that's why i posed the question if they weren't there yes probably if you and mike were just living alone for sure yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah because for you it's uh it's part of it's sweating and part of it's the being beaten up by the korean spa people yeah yeah yeah yeah but it's also having no clothes on Well, yeah, it's just the freedom to just go and lie down and have your pores forced open. I think I told you this. I have a friend that likes to wear no clothes at home, but they have to keep towels around for where they sit. Oh, God.

It's that, no. Yeah, if you're going to be naked, there's nothing wrong with that, but you got to take in consideration your furniture. Yeah. So they got to put down little butt doilies. Yeah, but I wouldn't sit. I'm just walking to get. something. That's my situation. You're not hanging out. I'm not hanging out on the couch. Even in solo. Absolutely. You're not a nudist. No, no, no. Got it. With my two piles of yeast or what's

the bread at that point? Two slaps of, two slaps of bread of sourdough, my raw sourdough hanging out. It might be a little early for the ad, but the segue is just too perfect. This episode of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa is brought to you. by Wild Grain. Wild Grain is the first ever bake from frozen subscription box for sourdough breads, fresh pastas, and artisanal pastries. Every item bakes from frozen in 25 minutes or less. No thawing required.

The team at Wild Grain just sent me a new box, and there is croissants. I checked off sourdough bread, because I really want to be judgy with it. Yeah. Truth be told, I haven't gotten it yet. But if you go to the website, it looks really good. And I know from baking my own bread, sometimes I will do like a quarter bake, like get it to a point and then freeze it. And then when I come home off the road and you just bake the rest of it.

It's pretty much what they're doing. I didn't know. That was a thing. That's pretty cool. It's very cool. I let down Jackie Cache, a fellow comedian last night because she called and wanted a recipe for sourdough bread rolls. And I didn't have one.

Isn't it just the same recipe? Pretty much. But also, like, if she's knocking out sourdough bread rolls for, like, tonight, like, I can't help you with that. Oh. She's cheating. You can now fully customize your wild grain box so you can get any combination of breads, pastas, and pastries, if you like.

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So it's a little bit of a cheat. And he'll be like, look at me, Tom, I'm better than you. Because for the Instagram, he can take a picture of the bread in his oven. Mm-hmm. And be like, look what's in my oven. Mm-hmm. Wild grain. Free croissants in every box.

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Can I tell you what just happened to me outside before I walked in here? Yes. Okay, this has never happened, and I kind of loved it, and it's hilarious. Okay. First, let me ask you this. Has anyone ever accidentally gotten into your car thinking you were an Uber? Never. Okay.

Have you ever gotten into the wrong car? Not all the way in, but I've opened the door. Okay. I was at the improv a couple, like, I don't know, a few months ago. And some girls opened my door. I'm at a stop sign. Literally, I was leaving a spot to go to another spot. And these girls just opened my door.

And they can't because it locks automatically. They're like, excuse me, click, click, click, click, like knocking on the window. And I wrote, and then they were like, Jessica. I rolled down my window. I'm like, I'm not your Uber. Oh, sorry. I knew immediately. I knew immediately.

So this just happened to me. I'm parking. This guy runs out to my car, rushes out, and he goes, Beef Bowl for Jeremy. And I said, no thanks. And he goes, you know, he was annoyed that I was joking around. He goes, Beef Bowl for Jeremy. And I said, I'm not your postmates.

That never happened before. But I love to look on his face because then he was like, where is it? Where is it? He just kept running to different cars. Everybody is, every, no one's just, no one's just going from one place to another. Everyone's working. Everyone's bringing you something or taking you somewhere.

I hope you got your beef bowl, Jeremy. I had this great show before I met you in Lincoln, Nebraska. I did a show in Rochester for the Mayo Clinic. Beautiful show, great people, really fun. I was getting ready and I had, I didn't have a lot of time, so I post, to the hotel, which my daughter had to, like, inform me, like, they'll bring it all the way to your door and just leave it at your door, which I had no idea was even a possibility. And I ordered from this place. It took 35 minutes to come. And I was like, it's all right. I'm

doing other stuff. I'm allowed to order. I've got stuff to do. And I order, I eat the food, it's fine, whatever, I go down and do the gig. It's literally right next door to the hotel. I had no idea where I was. So you paid $37. Right, delivery fee. Yeah. For some guy to come into the lobby from one door down.

You're not the first one who's done that. It's a hotel and they love it every time. Yeah. They're like another one of these doves. Another moron. Couldn't come down the stairs by himself. Couldn't map quest it. Son of a bitch.

Oh, so bad. How fun was Linkin, Nebraska, though? That was actually a really fun show. Right? Those people are very sweet. Yeah. You have very, like, sweet audience members. Do I?

Yeah. Like, they seem, like, super considerate. Like, they would all, like, dog sit for you. Like, your entire fan base is just someone, oh, water your plants while you're in Hawaii. It is true. Like, they're all so just, they're sweethearts. I do hear that a lot.

every time I go play someplace, they're like, your people are so nice. Yeah. Especially when you would go to, like, clubs where they're used to having the guy before you the week before, like drunkos and then my people roll in. And they just, like, behave. That's why I loved going to theaters because they seemed like, I got to a point where it was like,

I feel bad making these people go to this nasty club. Right, with like the sticky floors. Right, exactly, and wedged in between people. They just want to relax. No, they were really fun. Although I do feel bad because the stage manager or someone on the crew, I think I, I'm, Oh, yeah, you almost got in a fight. I joked with him a little bit too hard, and he has no idea who I am and doesn't know

that I'm joking at all. Yeah. And. But he was mansplaining to you a little bit, a little mansplaining. We were doing the sound check. And what happened? You jokingly said, well, Kira shrieks into the microphone. So here, why don't you come do a sound check?

Right. Which is a joke because actually a lot of stuff, I will whisper a punchline it. Or I change it up. I change it up. But when you said that, and it was funny, it made me laugh. And then I went up to the microphone. I just said, test, test, test, test. And he goes, well, you can't test it like that.

Because then you'll never know what it really sounds like. And I said, well, it is my first time. So thank you for explaining it. This is my first time doing comedy. Thank you for that. Thank you for explaining it to me. But he didn't laugh. He didn't laugh.

He was like, he had no sense of humor. I'm going to have six more beers when I get home tonight. Yeah, he was. Yeah. Then something else happened with him backstage. And it was like, you didn't really get it. He didn't get it. So I was like, all right.

Maybe I was a little too. sometimes I'm a little rough around the edges. You put them right in his place. It wasn't just like a little joke. It was like, oh, this is my first time doing comedy, so thanks for that. If it wasn't for you asking the question, Tom, I wouldn't be able to enjoy this mansplaining. I don't know why I did. And it went on, it went like one beat beyond what was like joking.

It did. It was like, oh, she's really letting them have it. I'm usually a very tender person. right? Right? Yes. Abraham Lincoln? Yes.

Right. I'm usually very sweet. You actually had to say to me during that same trip, forget what we were talking about. I think it was about the time we were going to leave or something. And I said, I said, yeah, we're going to have to, like, leave it for. So what, don't be mad? And you were like, you had to let me know that whatever the plans were,

you would promise not to be mad. I mean, I have to say that to remind myself. How was you're out? You left it like four in the morning. I left it four in the morning. Yeah, it was crazy. I came home. I took a massive nap.

You did. And then I did a spot that night at the improv. Oh, my God. I know. They had a fallout. I wanted to save the day. It's like an hour drive for you to go to the improv. It's 40 minutes.

Yeah. It's under 40. It was a great set, though. It was. It was a great set. set. Oh, that's good. But man, I was leaving at eight and you were leaving at like four in the morning to catch the 6 a.m. Yeah. That airport was hilarious. Adorable. I mean, literally. You could fit it in your pocket. Pulling up to that airport was less busy than pulling up in

front of my house. Yes. The airport in Lincoln, Nebraska, there's zero people. The guy pulled up. Is this a private valet to go into the airport? No, this is just our morning rush. It was just me. And you just walk in and there's like, no, but the big pain. Like I did a deep dive. 20% cheaper to live in Nebraska than the national average. Feels like it'd be less expensive.

I mean, like 50% cheaper. It was really cheap. Yeah. But there's two flights out. of there a day. Like I had a flight at 8.50 or whatever and it almost didn't make it. It was like if it doesn't go and we're late, like we're not going. Then they fixed it and we were able to make it and all that good stuff.

But like you can live in these other places, but there's no getting out of there. No. And I had to go to Denver and I didn't have a coffee because I was going to nap a little on the plane. I get to Denver for my connection and there's a massive line for the Starbucks. I was like, well, all right. I couldn't do a mobile order. They wouldn't let you at that location. I was like, all right, I'll wait in line for a little bit.

If it doesn't move, I'll just head over to my gate. And there's a Starbucks employee. And she's calling out people's names for the orders as they come in. And I said, oh, that's really smart of you. That's, you know, kind of makes it efficient, you know, because there's so many people. And she goes, oh, I'm doing this because at this airport, people will just grab whatever drink, and whatever food is here and just walk to their gate. Stealing it?

Yeah, because they don't want to wait in line, and they'll take whatever. No. They don't care. They don't care if you got to. So they don't even pay? They just grab? They just walk past and someone says, Phil, egg bites, and a, you know, latte, and they are like, well, I'm Phil right now.

And she said it's happening so much that that's her station now, that she has to, like, look at everyone in the eye and be like, are you Phil? Oh, my God. Isn't that wild? People are the worst. People are the worst. They're the worst. Beef bowl for Jeremy.

I mean, but you know what? It is kind of hilarious to be like, look, I'm not waiting in this line. I'm not. I have to catch a flight and you just grab whatever. It's a surprise. It's a surprise drink. It's a surprise snack. I see those lines.

I'm not staying in those lines. You for sure will not. I will not stay in those lines. No, no. But then I don't get to get the coffee. That's the thing about not staying in the line. But you can. It's a surprise.

surprise coffee. Just grab whatever they just put out there. Oh my God. And a little baggy of who knows what kind of egg sandwich. Thieves. I know. Thieves. But when she told me that, she's like,

we're not trying to be helpful. We're trying to stop. Dushbacks. We're crime fighting and making lattes. Yeah. Good Lord. That is ridiculous. Joey, I'm concerned that when you come to the Halloween party,

that you might run in, to my nephew who's going to room with you. Ah, yeah. Well, I can give him the updates. I don't know. Joey needed a new roommate, so I gave him my cousin, and then you told my cousin to go suck it. Not yet, which is maybe the more uncomfortable part,

but, yeah, it's... Now you just did, because he's going to watch this. But, yeah, we're just looking for more long-term tenants, if possible. Are you going to get one? Maybe, maybe. Yeah, but it's no slight to... What's long term? Just, they're probably going to re-raise our rent in May,

and so at that point, probably decide if we're staying in that house or just going to go somewhere new. So you need someone through May? Yeah. That's not that long-term. Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, we'd probably pitch it as indefinitely, but we're sort of figuring out right now

what's, like, the scope of the details we have to share with someone, and any idea like, hey, they're going to raise the rent in six months, Like, do we have to tell them that right now? For all the aggravations that you have in your life, when you hear him go on about roommates and rents and months and does it calm you down and you say to yourself, thank God I'm married. I'd rather have roommates than a husband? No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. That's what I used to say. say my act about the kids and then you give birth to, then you give birth to the worst roommates on the planet. You know, I've never lived on my own. Ever. Ever. Ever.

With parents in the dorms, with roommates. Yeah. Yeah, me too. My husband. I've never just had my own apartment or I can sit without a butt doylee. Yeah. I don't think it's that unusual. It's not that unusual.

But when you think about it, that's, I mean, the only time is I get these little mini, like I go on the road and then I'm on my own. Right. So that's my, those are my little mini moments of being on my own. Being solo. Yeah. In the blue zone, you watch the blue zone thing on Netflix, about living to 100?

No. You heard about it? I feel like I know what the blue zone is, but what is it? Is a documentary or a series? It's a series. It's a series of this guy who went, blue zones are areas of the world where people live, have a large number of people living over 100.

Yeah. And go and figure out why. Why in Sardinia are they living to over 100? Why are they living this way in Okinawa, at different places? And one of the big things that makes people live long lives is having a sense of community. Not just like you're dry cleaner or your,

but people like within, they live in their little house and they've got people that live with them and then friends that come by every day and then you go to the garden with all your other friends and then you go do your activity with these other friends and they all just see each other all of the time and that it's good for the soul that it keeps you alive, literally.

Well, I'll just give you your joke back to you, your hot dog joke. Mm-hmm. I mean, they say it takes a couple years off your life, right? That's your bit. I mean, do we want those last few years? When they show the people in the blue zone and they're like all frail and they're doing a ring toss and everyone's like, yay! I think, ugh. Yeah.

Is that what you're doing at the end? But you're also a little out of it. Your brain's calcifying. There's not a lot of blood going to all parts of it. So you're kind of like, this is, I'm still enjoying myself, I guess. Yeah, I don't, I don't, yeah, I mean, I guess because maybe by the time we are 100, it'll be better. It'll be, like, cool stuff.

Because we'll all be on Ozempic. I did see something that, Ozempic, was it Bill Maher? Okay, it was. you know the little over overdrive or whatever overtime or whatever they call that little thing at the end of bill mar the guy was like yeah ozempic is going to be more important to us than AI yeah it's going to have a greater economic impact that's right because people are going to take this and they're going to drop all of this weight and it's helping people get off of cholesterol meds heart meds knee reprimed But they're saying it's even going to stop you from gambling. Yeah. Like having a gambling addiction. Any kind of addiction.

Alcohol. People that are on it drink 60% less alcohol. People who are on it aren't going to be going to restaurants. They're not going to be postmates from the place next door when they're on the road. Like it literally, they think it could have an impact. But that's wild. It's pretty wild. Now, I'm trying to weigh looking amazing and skinny and enjoying eating my food. Yeah.

The thing is, if you take this and you look amazing and skinny, you have no desire. None. Everything that we do here on this podcast is about coming together, celebrating, living your life. That all these books, this is a pizza book. This is another cookbook. A bread book, barbecue book, Italian restaurant book. People on No Zempec are just like, why would you, who cares? Yeah.

I feel like it dulls you a little bit. I don't know. I'm not saying having a gambling addiction is good, but it does make you a little interesting. I wonder if it changes your sex drive. It must. It must. Like you have no desire to do anything. Yeah.

Holy cow. That's frightening. But if we were to put Joey on it, he could become an invisible man. He would disintegrate. With her away. He would look like a pile of cocaine on that chair. Just a little pile of white dust. It's funny how people don't want to admit that they're on it.

There's a little shame to it. For some reason, people aren't, I guess because it's new. Yeah. And maybe it sends a message like, I can't do this on my own. But nobody can't. like go back to what you were in high school. Like it's a tough order. You'd have to be so disciplined.

So people don't admit it. But all of a sudden you see people and you're just skinny. You're just skinnier. I don't think I've seen. I don't know anyone in my life that I've seen that it's like, whoa. So I don't know. I know that you told me a couple people that you know and you see a big difference. Yeah.

So maybe I'm just not paying attention. It's common, man. Weight Watchers is offering their version of that dream. drug because they know people aren't going to be flipping through cards and weighing their food. They're not going to take this shot. See how many points their grain bread is? No. No.

They're just going to take this and lose the weight and they'll help you manage. But they see that this business model is changing. How crazy. It feels like it's what it wipes away some of your, I don't know, your character of, you know, like who you are, right? Yes, 100%. So I'm going to be like, why would I make bread? Yeah. Why would I make this?

Oh, man. Weird. There's going to be like an ozempic face. People are like, oh, I can tell he has ozempic face. Oh, 100%. Yeah, there's comedians out there that all of a sudden super fast. Oh, no. Mm-hmm.

All right. Well, I'll stick with my bacon prosciutto face. You look great. You know what I mean? I feel amazing. Can I tell you? I don't want to tell you what I did because I don't want to upset you

because I feel like it goes against everything in your life. Go ahead. I made a ground chicken pizza crust. Thank you all for listening. We'd like to thank the people at Wild Grains for being here today. We'd like to...

He's just accept me. I just want you to see me. What do you mean crust? Meat crust? I made a meat crust. You know they make cauliflower crust? You don't make that face when someone eats a cauliflower crust. Yeah, I do.

Oh, wow. What is the, so you take the ground chicken. So it's ground chicken, okay, and then you add mozzarella cheese, an egg yolk. It's basically a meatloaf. But you make it really, really, you press it down, you spread it out on a pan, you make it really, really, really thin. Okay. And you almost like dehydrate it almost. So it's like a cracker.

Wow. In some regard it's good. In my regard. Like just to eat it? No, and then you put a pizza sauce. What are you talking about? I put a little bit of a spicy pizza sauce and then mozzarella on top

and then whatever toppings you want on your pizza. I did olives. Uh-huh. And it was delicious. When you cut it and you take out the triangle. Uh-huh. And you hold it.

Yes. Floppy? There is integrity. Integrity. There is integrity to the pizza slice. Really? Yes. Now, I will say I did shit my pants.

Oh, my God. I'm going to take it back. I don't think you're into saunas and Korean massages. I think you love shitting your pants. It's, it's. Comes up a lot. It's a way to let things go. You know?

One specific thing. You detox all the bad choices you made. It's a detox. When you serve this to your family, do you say this is pizza? I say this is mommy's version of pizza. Oh, okay. My husband loved it. My kids kind of, they were like, all right.

Oh, weird. Yeah. Yeah, there's. But they know I'm weird. I had a pizza in Connecticut that was so good. It was a vegan pizza. There was no cheese on it. Nope.

It was just the proper dough. and sauce and mushrooms and onions. I didn't even think that cheese was needed. Like it wasn't even really. It wasn't. It was so good because of the crust. Oh, boy. That crust was so crunchy, thin, perfect, deep flavor.

Because it had no milk or egg to hold it together. It never has milk. Don't you make like some sort of milky crust? Thank you all once again for being here breaking bread. It may have been a fatal mistake. Making Keira the regular and she's allergic to bread. I'm finding alternatives. Which is good.

It's great. You would have liked it. I'm going to make some for you. All right. I'll bring you in chili. Okay. And then. And I'll bring you in my chicken pizza.

Is that what you call it? Chicken bread pizza. Chicken bread pizza. Yeah. It's weird. What do you do for Thanksgiving? Because now it's Thanksgiving time. I know.

It's time to order your bird if you haven't. Do you host? Yeah. I mean, this might be where OZempic comes in because my husband's addicted to making the most massive Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, that's good. Yeah, but then he's like, we need to have more people. I know. That is the thing.

Because we have so much food. And we end up asking neighbors, like, please come eat. And we host just random, like anybody. Yeah. Some comics that are, you know, Canadian. Right? And we've had, you know, orphans come in and we have a lot of people. That is kind of the cool thing about being out here in L.A.

Is there's a lot of randos that need Thanksgiving. Yeah. One of them's named Joey. Joseppe, you can come to my house. He's coming to my house. Oh. Thank you. Oh.

I'm sorry. Wow. Well, we have an early Thanksgiving, so come to mine for lunch. Ew. What do you mean? What time? Two. What?

Yeah. Oh, my God. We have a two o'clock Thanksgiving. Two o'clock. It's amazing. Too early. No, you don't feel disgusting. Why?

Because you ate at two and you're fine. What about four? No. It's getting dark at four. Yeah. No. Fires crackling. I'm going to bed from all that Thanksgiving.

So your husband does the turkey? He does it, and it's too much. It's too much. He has it soaking probably... He don't think there's any such thing. Right now. He does a wet brine. Bucket.

Yeah, he gets a bucket. I do the dry brine. Oh, great. Mm-hmm. That doesn't taste. You don't know. What? You don't know.

He soaks it in a bucket from Home Depot. What's your favorite side dish? Leg. You can only eat the bird. It's kind of the opposite of my wife is that she eats everything but the bird. I eat the bird's ass first. Again, shitting herself.

I'm on brand. So no mashed potatoes. No, but he makes an amazing match potato. Not even for Thanksgiving just because it's Thanksgiving. No, no, no, no. Okay. But he makes amazing mashed potatoes. He does.

Oh, my God. Incredible. Everything he does is just nuts. It's so good. So he's got to be planning now. He is. He is. This is what's great about Mike is that he's like,

yeah, I need new shoulder pads for hockey because I'm fucking people up out there. But also William Sonoma is having an amazing sale. Like he's the best of both worlds. That is good. Yeah. So he's already on William. Sonoma, ordering all his stuff. Yeah, that's good. I literally was like, where's the roasting pan?

Make sure that I have all the elements of it. Where are the recipes? Where's the, all of it? Yeah. You got to start. I ordered the bird already. Very good. Organic? Whole foods, organic.

Nice. I wanted to go hunt my own turkey this year. Yeah, sure. But I don't have a gun or knowledge of where they live. I mean, I'm sure that there's going to be some box service where Yeah, there's got to be like a, yeah. Pack a live turkey in a box and ships right to your door. No, we bring you a live turkey and then we give you the gun.

Give you the gun and then you shoot it in your driveway. Yeah. We'll pluck it, leave it, and then you can tell everyone you shot the turkey. And they will be our next sponsor. Turkey shoot was a big thing in where you grew up, right, Joey? up in New England, the turkey shoot. I think so, yeah, I never went to one, but yeah, I think they're out there. You didn't want to be mistaken for a turkey?

Hey-yo! You don't have to put up with this. I'm standing my ground. Yeah, the turkey shoot was a big thing, but a lot of times I always thought that you went out and you shot the turkey, but it was more like Target, and then you would win a turkey. Ah. It's not as much fun. Different, yeah.

Then there is the all-natural turkey hunting where you are let loose in the woods with no weapon, you and the turkey, and mono-e-mano, and whoever survives gets to have Thanksgiving. Yeah, you never heard this? No. People just run in the woods and they see a turkey, and then it's up to you and how you're going to kill it. You know my mom used to have to do that. This is for real zies in the Soviet Union. Really?

Because their farmer's markets were just, here's a chicken. Uh-huh. And they just gave you a chicken to take them. A live chicken. Yeah. So she had to break its neck. Oh. Imagine you're 16.

You're not worried about. Is so-and-so going to ask me to the dance? You know, you're like, oh, I got to go kill a chicken at the bazaar right now. Yeah. That was her job. People that are good, people that killed chickens and things that weigh are so quick about it. Yeah. They just like grab it, snap it, eat it.

Can I tell you something that you may not respect me? Oh. I found pillows at this hotel. They were beautiful, lush law. pillows and I'm trying to up my sleep game at home because it's been rough so we got a new mattress and so good trying to figure all this stuff out and I wasn't allowed to get down pillows oh your wife said no yeah I asked first I said what are your opinion on down pillows because I don't like them and I was like okay and later on I asked do you feel

like you don't like them or that we don't like them. I don't want down pillows in the house. Is it because she thinks it hurts an animal? Yes. Okay. Does she also think haircuts are painful to humans? Well, no. But I believe that the...

I don't think the birds are just giving a couple feathers and then going back out. You don't think there's like a super cuts for... For geese. That charity where you grow your hair and cut half of it and give it away. I'm doing it in this to pillows. Yeah, I do this for pillows. I want humans to get better sleep. So you think they're strangling them in the woods during an open goose run and then...

I believe, and if listeners can correct me, if I'm wrong, I believe that when the birds are killed for food, They take a couple of the feathers. Yeah. The My Pillowel guy is sitting there just waiting. Yeah, like the Native Americans, they would not waste one piece of the bison. Correct. They would use all of it because it was sacred.

There are alternative, like fake feathers, like a vegan feather. They call it vegan pillows. Oh. I know. It makes it a little upsetting. Like a vegan is stuffed in there. That's misleading. This vegan I'm sleeping on is so lumpy.

You can sleep on this vegan. Yeah. So I ordered the vegan ones, and I'll see how they are when they show up. But if they're not down, I might leave my wife and get a pillow. Look, we have to do what we have to do in our lives. Can I tell you what I sleep on? Yes, please. You will hate it.

Oh, geez. It's basically a brick. But it cradles your head. It's Japanese. I think I told you this one. I don't know. It's Japanese. It cradles your head.

It's not fluffy at all. You're sleeping like on a flight of stairs. Oh. Are you a side sleeper? Yeah, all over the plane. Just, yeah. All over. Not on my.

I don't know how people sleep. And the pillow's good no matter which way your head is? I personally love it. It has no fluff to it at all. It's just like a hard back pillow kind of thing? I can't explain to it. Like hard foam? No, there's no foam.

It's tiny, tiny. It's like these tiny, like maybe steel. I don't know what's in it, I'll be honest. But they are like those little microbeads. Does they have a pillowcase? Yeah, of course. It's Japanese. I have to order it.

You just keep saying it's Japanese. Because I don't know what's in it because it's in Japanese. Is it heavy? Is it like a book? Yeah, yeah. It's heavy. I love it. And where's your neck?

It's in it. It cradles it. I don't know. I love it. it. All right. Give us the name. No animals were hurt in the, I mean, unless, again, I don't know, maybe in Japanese.

Yeah, it could have been an animal. But no, no, no, no animals were harmed and you will love it. All right. They're about 80 bucks. 80 bucks. I know. It's a little. I'll spend whatever I have to spend.

Joey, Abraham Lincoln was there to accept the new mattress delivery. And because I was on the road. What is happening in your large. intestines right now. Was that my belly again? Yes. My belly's squeaking. I haven't eaten tonight.

I don't intermittent fast when I come home. Oh, okay. I don't really. I just didn't eat. I had to go for my radio show to hear. And the mattress is okay. Oh, no. Can you say what it is or no?

It's a temperedic mattress hybrid. But what did I tell you to get? That one. Nope. Yeah, you did. Nope. I said select comfort. No, you didn't.

I 100% did. Play back the tape, Joey. Play back the tape. I don't think so. With the numbers, you can, like, adjust the hardness. Oh, yeah, no, I wasn't doing that. Why not? Oh, because it's stupid.

I thought that this is a hybrid. I wanted spring. I didn't want just foam, but the foam's a little thick. It doesn't feel like we're on springs. I don't know. All these mattress places they say you can send them back. I might have to... That's weird.

I know. The thing is, who's going to... You're going to pack it up? No, they come and get it. Oh, they will? Right, Joey? Then do it. If you don't like it.

Select comfort. I don't want dials. I don't want levers. You touch it. It's like the Ronco guy. Set it and forget it. I promise you. The other problem is we have a platform bed, which is kind of low.

And there's no box string with these mattresses. It's all kind of low. Yeah. You know what I mean? So you're not climbing into bed. It's not climbing into bed. You're falling into bed. You're tripping into bed.

Oh, no. I know. I'm so upset. Oh. Can you get a different? It's comfy. Okay. But it's not like luxury.

It doesn't feel like, ah, I'm in this great bed. Yeah. You know, sometimes you stay in a nice hotel and you're like, oh, my God. Yeah. That's what I want. Okay. So then next time, check the hotel bed. What do they have?

I did it this one place and they're kind of different labels on them because they're hotel-y. Yeah. You can ask. You can? Yeah. There's no secret there. Where were you a month ago? Select comfort.

Boo. I'm not going to steer you wrong. It's Thanksgiving time. So check your roasting pan. Order your stuff from wild grains. Joey, what do you bring at Thanksgiving? I brought a pepperoni bread last year. Oh, yeah, that was good.

Yeah, yeah. It was pretty popular. Yeah, I thought so. Yeah. I didn't use real dough, though. That would be the plan this time around is to get some good dough and make it for real. Yeah. You didn't bring your omelet?

Not, no, not that time. Your famous flippity-dew omelette? I made one of those this weekend. I'll have to, I'll still have to make you guys one. That picture did look impressive. Yeah, yeah. That was a Google image. Oh, I apologize.

Yeah, no, that wasn't me. I know he was lying. I also ordered a whole bunch of wine. Now, there's two ways to handle wine during Thanksgiving. It's the bunch of people that are there drinking way too much and don't care what it is. And then you're really good wine that you keep on the side for the people that know better. Yes. We play it the same way.

You do? Yeah, 100%. So I just ordered a whole bunch of the good stuff that will have to be hidden somewhere in the house. And then I'll grab the whatever swill, and that's what my guests will get. They'll be fine. That'll be fine. Okay. Anything you need to plug?

Anything you want to tell the people about? I'm just at Cura Comedy on the Instagram. Follow me. By the time this airs, we will have been in Cedar Falls in St. Paul. Holy Cow. Yeah. That's this week? Yes.

That's this Friday. Time is going quickly. It's going to be Thanksgiving before we know it. Oh, my God. Go to tompapa.com for all of our dates. We have a whole bunch of stuff coming up. We just announced a whole bunch of dates for 2024 on the Good Stuff Tour. We're going pretty much everywhere.

Amazing. Is it? Helsinki. Almost everywhere. Thank you all. We'll talk to you next time.