Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 185 - Extra Family at the Table

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

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and I'm here with my pal Kira Soltonovich. I haven't seen you in so long. I know. Feels like a really long time. It does feel like a long time. I'm excited to get going. We have a lot to catch up on. We've got a lot of Joey news. We have a lot of tour news. We also have two sponsors for today's program. We'd like to thank the good people at todayticks.com. They say the holidays aren't so much about gifts as they are about spending quality time with loved ones. But why not combine both by gifting them an unforgettable experience you can enjoy together like a night at the theater,

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Okay. Let's go back a little bit because Thanksgiving is past. We talked a little bit. We recorded before Thanksgiving for a little bit after, and then we had our friend Matt Wilpers in New York City, which I've got to tell you about this is my Peloton guy. And it was like meeting the biggest celebrity I know Because I've been with this guy for four years

He's been coaching me on the screen on Peloton for four years And I got to meet him And now I feel fat Was he like excited as well to meet you? Not as excited No No I mean you're a celebrity day in him

You would think No He was like okay he was into it. He's like, I've seen bigger people. I think so. I've trained bigger stars. He was like, yeah, I know.

You work out with me. So does Jay-Z. Now, I don't know anything about Pelotons. So when you choose a trainer, you can't just like log into any class. You have to. You can. Okay.

What they do is they do them live. Okay. So you can get on the bike and do a workout live. But they also record them. They're in New York. So I never do the live ones because I'm in Los Angeles, California. So I just log on and look at what classes Matt has accumulated. And then I jump on the bike.

So he doesn't see you live. He does not see us. We see him. Okay. He does see our performance. He sees like your username and what's going on. Right, right. Yeah.

But we did, we corresponded on. social media. I sent him one of my books. You're doing great during the pandemic. And great guy. Just so solid. I mean, he, that's why I've been with him for four years. He's just straight ahead. Good dude. Energetic. But man, not one ounce of body fat. Even his head is skinny. You know how Joey's skinny? Yeah. But not athletic. No, no. It's like if you had Joey skinny, but looking like a superhero. It's like I met a trainer once, and it looked like his skin was two sizes too small for his body,

but they managed to still stretch it over. Like there's no, there's nothing that protrudes. Nothing. And even the gluteus is just. Didn't see it. Oh, you didn't see it? I've seen him. I stayed off as gluteus.

Yeah. But it's incredible that humans can walk the earth like that. Like I have a goal to be, I want to be able to do pull-ups. Oh. And I used to be able to do pull-ups when I was in high school. And that's about 50 years ago. And I can't do pull-ups. So I'm trying to get in shape to do pull-ups.

And I was looking at Matt Wilpers. I was like, if I was Matt Wilpers, I could do pull-ups because he's the lightest version of himself that he can be. Yeah. I was pulling, I'm pulling up a guy who's 20 pounds heavier than when I was in high school. You know what I mean? 20. Yeah.

Yeah. Like I was 185. I was 185 in high school. You know we change, our whole body changes every seven years. Like literally your cells are not the same cells. You're not the same skin. Your muscle, like everything. decomposes and gets built back up.

Really? 100%. You're not the same body. It doesn't get built up the same way? No. So it's just a shittier version? They're using like worse parts, like cheaper cells. Yeah, exactly.

It's from China. Everything now is from China. But like think of your body at five years old and then think of your body at 15 years old. That's not anywhere close to the same body at all. Okay, so then 15 years old, let's jump ahead to 30. Okay. And then go to 50. You are a completely different person.

Completely. You're not the same at all. That's when people are like, you've changed. Yes, we have to. Like, we literally, on a cellular level, change. So with all the good habits that you add into your life, when you are rebooting your system, do you have an advantage over someone who's not?

Like if somebody's smoking and drinking and they're rebooting their system, it's going to be that much shittier? Yeah, you're not going to reboot to the full caliber. Like, you're not living the best version of yourself. Right. So like a 50-year-old version of yourselves and your hair and your skin and what have you,

like the best version of that, any abuse you do to it is going to deteriorate that. Absolutely. This was, for our listeners, I apologize if I'm going back over material from the Wilpers thing, but I think it's worth noting and you'll appreciate it. The biggest takeaway, the best bit of advice I got from him, was the recovery time between your workouts is so valuable. Like you do your workout, you bust ass, you do everything you're supposed to do. and you're sweating and you're exhausted and your muscles are broken down and your lungs are filled

and now your body goes on recovery mode and that's when you get all the benefits from it. You broke down the muscle now it's rebuilding. Yeah. All that stuff. So your recovery mode is where you're starting to put money in the bank and get the benefits and then you go back to the next workout. Now you're even stronger and you keep building and building. Right.

Unless you eat like shit, drink a lot, smoke, do whatever. Don't sleep. Don't sleep. Yep. Which is the worst part of it. It's like, okay, even if you, and this was killing me, and I hate to say this to our friends out there listening on a program called Breaking Bread where we celebrate life and food and drinking and all the sweet, sweet things that God has given us. but alcohol you don't sleep

at a certain age you don't sleep the same way you do after even one glass of whatever and I know I'm you don't drink really I don't but I had a little sip

of brandy a couple weeks ago it destroyed me it was like I got hit by a truck it destroyed because of your sleep or because of how drunk you got I can't remember if I slept any different that night, but just

I felt it. I felt it in my fingernails. I felt it in my eyelashes. The next day. Oh, the next day? The next day. I did not drink to getting drunk, but the next day I was like, what have I done? Because I don't drink at all. And Brandy, I believe it's pretty sweet. There's got to be your... It's sugar. You have no sugar.

Yeah, the sugar probably affected me. Yeah. I know. It's a bummer. This is what I'm saying. Now you know what I've been living through the last year. It is such a buzzkill. It is a buzzkill. It is a party pooper. It really is. But I think you just pick your battles.

You got to split the difference. You pick your battles. You pick the times when you are going to celebrate and go off. That's right. You know, and not every night has to be the thing. And you have to really kind of tell yourself at certain times. I'm not going to have wine at dinner. I'm not going to.

I got into a routine where I was drinking wine pretty much with every meal. Wow. Breakfast wine? What's a good breakfast wine? Every dinner. What goes well with scrambled eggs? Like a shard? Like a greggio?

You ever see when Berg-Crasher does the Winston Churchill's birthday thing? No. He lives like Winston Churchill for the day on his birthday, which is so great because Winston Churchill would wake up in the morning and he'd be in bed and they would bring him a tray for his breakfast in bed and he would start drinking. He would have a little brandy to start and then he'd have eggs and sausages and smoke a cigar and read the papers and then he would have another thing to drink and then he'd get showered off and get dressed and have one more drink and smoke another cigar in his way out of the house

and he just lived that every day that way. He looked like Winston Churchill. Exactly. You know, our fellow comics, not the healthiest, always. And I have a friend who I get, I'm exhausted. I had three sets yesterday. And I was like, I'm done. And I got home, it was 10.30.

You know, that's not the latest, but I was like, oh, God, I was just collapsed in bed. Yeah. And then I have some friends. that we were chatting the other night at the improv and they were like, yeah, I'm a night owl, I'm a night owl, I stay up till two or three, I'm a night owl. That's not a thing. That's not a thing. I get that they, and I'm sure there are night owls listening.

They're just like, I just can't go to bed at 10. It's just not my style. You don't understand. No, it's not okay. And then they're always complaining and it's like they're always feeling sick and they're always feeling tired and they're always feeling. 3 a.m. I mean, I get it. There are some people they have to work the night shift.

Sure. Okay, fine, but hopefully you're balancing your life. But a comic just going like, I don't really unwind until 2.30. 3 a.m. And then they sleep to 11. Because they don't have kids or jobs or responsibilities during the day. Right. But that jacks you up so much. The sleep is really the, it's, you have to do everything you can to get good sleep.

Yeah. That is really the key. That is that recovery for your nervous system. It's the key for your brain. It's the key for your body. So anything you do, even eating jalapenos at 7 o'clock at night and having an upset stomach, you're not going to sleep is great. Like anything you can do that's going to properly get you into good, solid sleep, you'll be okay. So if you do drink, my cousin does this.

He has like one shot of tequila. He loves really nice tequila. But he does it at five. And then has a meal. Like he's a healthy guy. He works out all the time. And he just figured out that if I do it early enough, it's not going to mess up my sleep.

See, I would be asleep by six if I took a shot at five. I'd be like, good night. I am out. Yeah. Yeah. So that was the big takeaway. was it's the stuff in between the workouts. Because so many times in that four years,

I would be, like, I'm working out pretty hard. It gives you your little calendar and you can see how many workouts you have. I'm like, I'm really doing it. Why haven't I lost up an ounce? Because my behavior in between, I'm eating cheese and wine and just living the good life and just, and look, you also go through phases

where you want to do this. that. We're heading into the holidays. Okay. But I think the real key is to just pick your battles and just, I don't know. Well, we're not going to be Matt. We're not going to be Matt. Because Matt's job is to be Matt. Matt is a superhero. And we're going to, we're going to ease off a little bit on wanting zero percent body fat because it's just not in our cards and we don't need it. Right. Matt does. Right. Yeah. That's his brand.

Even beyond his brand, he says he does these workouts and talks the whole time to us. That's nuts. It's nuts because other instructors can't do that. I see other instructors like kind of get quiet. Yeah. Yeah. So he has a gene mutation. That's all.

He's just a mutant. And that's okay. Like we need mutants in our lives. And then we need comics who just look. you know, like real humans, like real people. I saw this Turner Classic movie. I love Turner Classic movies. It's what I watch.

I'd say if the TV's on, if I'm tired and just roll into the... I just turn on Turner Classic movies. I love being told what to watch. I love what's ever on. I love just peering into the history of great films, whatever. And there was this actor. I have no idea what his name was. But he's been like, you know, those company actors,

those studio actors that were in like every film, you know? Like if you watch It's a Wonderful Life, that guy played a Mr. Bailey. He was in a thousand things. Right. There was this guy, and he talks kind of like this, and he's a big fat guy. And they showed his history.

And when he came to L.A., he was a young, fit guy trying to get roles. And he did okay. And then he gained a ton of weight. And he was a fat guy with a cigar. and he never stopped working. He became that character. He had this grump voice and he had this big cigar

and he just big fat guy and he rolled around. He just, he booked like crazy. Wow. Yeah. So that's another option for us is what I'm saying is when you said comics. We're comics. We could go completely the other way.

Well, how many comics do you know that did go to an extreme? And that became their thing. And now they have to live at that extreme. Or they're dead? All the time. Yeah. Can Bert Chrysher ever do a show with a shirt on?

Ever? What's really funny is he, I haven't seen him on social media, but Fortune was saying that he, he might be on Ozemp, he's doing something, he's like ripped now. Now he's doing poses showing how ripped he is.

Have you seen them? No. So I don't know if he's doing Osempic or if he's doing whatever, but his shirt's off and now he's apparently mussely. Wow. I don't know how that would play on stage. If he takes his shirt off and he's in shape,

are people really going to enjoy that as much? I mean, maybe. I mean, maybe, maybe they are going to cheer him on no matter what at this point. But I do know that if an overweight woman, nothing wrong with that, not body shaming, but if an overweight woman, took her shirt off and the same girthiness belly of bert's with just a bra and a big girthy belly. I'm sure people would, you know, want their money back. They're not going to be as...

I don't know. I'm not sure. You think? A big... Fat is funny. Yes. Fat is fun. Fat is calms you down as an audience member.

It does? It makes you happy, yeah. People who are fat... I don't mind it. I'm just saying I'm just... curious if a woman would get away with it the same way. It wouldn't be the same. No, you're right.

You're right. They could be successful. I mean, you don't know, but it wouldn't be exactly. Also the opposite, right? Body positivity, right? People are like, Lizzo's beautiful, and she is. I mean, she's beautiful. And, you know, and you can do whatever you want, girls.

It doesn't matter what size you are. But men don't normally get, you know, like. Yeah. A large, large guy is not going to be like, Like, your body's beautiful. You know, they're more like, oh, God, come on, guy. You know what I mean? Have an apple.

My buddy Stavros is chubby. Yeah. And he works the body positivity. He's like, I look good. There's girls out there for this kind of guy. I'm sure there are. Yeah, it works. If Ralphie could get Lana, anything is possible.

Yeah. Okay, so Thanksgiving. Yeah. How was your Thanksgiving? I've seen you since. I know, but we haven't talked about it on the air. Oh, okay. It was great.

You had a good time. We had a great time. We had a small little family thing. Right. And then, and my husband cooks, and it's, like, incredible. Like, every year, I swear I say the same thing. I don't know how you made this turkey, but, like, it's so delicious. He truly has a talent.

And then I took my kids, my eight-year-old, and my soon-to-be-13-year-old, to the laugh factory. and we fed the homeless. Oh. And my eight-year-old daughter saw me do stand-up for the first time. Oh, we didn't talk about this at all. We didn't talk about it. That she remembers.

I did bring her to a gig once. She was really little, but now, you know. They do stand-up while they're giving food to the homeless? So first the comics feed the homeless, right? Would you like some cranberry sauce? Here's some mashed potatoes. And they come in and they come sit down in the showroom. And then once...

Where's the food set up? When you first walk in. Right by the table. ticket booth? Yeah. Yeah. But like they really, like they transform it. It doesn't look anything like Laugh Factory.

But the, the audience area looks the same. They eat. And then every comic that was there, scooping up gravy and things like that, does a set. So I did a set. So they all sit in the audience, all the people that were eating? Yeah. And it's packed. Upstairs, downstairs, packed.

Packed. Packed. There's a line up the block. They have to tell people, I'm sorry, there's no more space. Like, it's packed. Really? And it's all people in need. Yes.

And most of them, you know, they just look like people. And then some, there's an extreme. Like there's like, you know, one guy's missing an eye. Like it's literally hanging from a socket. Yeah. You know what I mean? Another dude needs help with his plate because he literally just can't stop shaking. Or, you know, and then there's kids.

And my eight-year-old daughter, she kind of felt it. She's like, that's a little kid my age. Yeah. Are they homeless? I go, I don't know, but they're here for a hot meal, which is nice. Right. But I could see it on her face. She's like, I better get my shit together.

I better be nicer to mom. Yeah. How's the show go? It's fun. But I told my kids, I go, look, mommy's going to say some words. Yeah. My son is fine with it. He loves it.

That's great. My eight-year-old, I get off stage. She's like, you said penis so many times, Mommy. You said penis So many times Well you should listen to her No but how does it go with the audience Like is that audience

It's a rough audience It's tough because they might not Are they distracted or they kind of They're not distracted But you can't be like Oh my gosh my dishwasher broke Do you know what I mean? You can't be like my Uber Eats

Was late the other day Does it feel like a room With a lot of mental struggles A little bit? Yeah Yeah You're much nicer are to hecklers,

because it's not their fault the voices are telling them to say, show us your tits. Yeah. Yeah. But it's very, there's so much

good energy and love in the room. Yeah. It really does feel like, oh, I'm so glad I had this opportunity to do this. And when I tell people, just regular civilians in my life,

they're like, I would love to go down there and do that and help out and bring my kid so my kid can also, and I go, no, no, it's comics. Right, it's not. You're not you.

It's not good. There's plenty of, you know, food banks and places you can go. I think we talked about this. My friend was saying that she doesn't go on Thanksgiving because everyone's volunteering. Go the week after. Right. And they really need help. Anytime.

Other than the holidays. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it was great. And then I took my eight-year-old out of the laugh factory outside. I let my older kids stay because I knew the comics coming up. Right.

I knew it was going to get, it was just going to get a hairy, scary. So I go, let's go play in the alleyway. That to me feels better. Why you just leave? Because we did two shifts. Two shifts. We did two feedings. Whoa.

I know. So you were there for five hours? About three. Whoa. Yes. And the kids were in the ride home. Loved it. Loved it.

Loved it. Well, now my son's done it before. Mike went to. No. You didn't go? Mike doesn't like giving back to. communities. He's at home making turkey sandwiches by himself. Yes. He was ecstatic. He's like, ah, peace and quiet. Thank you. That's all I try to give my husband when I can. Just go sit

by yourself in a room. You know, go. I don't mind. Just sit in the dark and just think about all the choices you made. Well, that's really sweet. Good for you. I'm proud of you. Yeah. I always wanted to do it, but I host all these people in my house. I know. And I can't get away. You can't just leave. Yeah, it's a bummer. But that's why we do our meal early. Yeah.

We ate by two. Our meal was around three, probably three-thirty. Joey came. Joseph. He brought his brother and his cousin. Wow. Two military kids. My other friend Edwin was there who comes every year.

He's, I don't know if he's retired military or he's older men. military. So it was a good vibe. They were all like hanging out and talking and stuff. And then my friend, my nephew Sam and his partner, Rex, came, who are about as far from military as you could be. When you said partner, I got it. Yeah, alternate lifestyle, fun, beautiful people, but, you know, not. And it was great. I was a little like, how's this all going to, what's the vibe going to be at the table? Will it work? And it worked great. Everybody got to. long. It was really nice actually having young energy at the table. Yeah. And the food came out great. Everything was cool. A little episode with Frank. I went to move

the cutting board. I have this beautiful, big block cutting board and has a little like rim around it, you know, to catch anything. Yeah. And I'm carving away. And I live with the vegetarians. So like after the carving's done, I've got to move this. I got to get the body out of the. Yeah, let's put it over by the oven. Which is not a big lift, but it's big, it's heavy, it's awkward. I kind of shifted a little bit and just turkey juice straight on Frank's head. Frank the pug is just in a bath of turkey juice. But did he love it?

He loved it at first. It was the greatest day of his life. He was just licking up the floor. He could not believe. He was like, Tom, you're amazing. Yeah. And then the rest of the day, he was tortured because he smelled turkey but didn't know where it was coming from. Oh my God.

That's hilarious. I said it last night on stage. I think it's fit in the act. That is so funny. That's like a stoner. Like they smell weed, but it's not like they can't smoke any of it. Exactly. I know there's a potential for weed.

It's around somewhere. Oh, my God. So then we have a great time. The food is going. It's everybody. It all came out great, right, Joey? I think a. Oh, yeah, it was great.

High marks for the food itself. Great stuffing. Great turkey. The turkey was on point. You should have taken some home, actually, because there was a lot left over. It was really fun. And, like I said, good young people energy.

which is cool. Like a lot of times the kids are like, okay, that was fun, and they kind of disappear pretty quickly, and you're there with the oldies. And your kids were there. My kids, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah.

And there were no real oldies there. So the conversation kept going, and I ended up leaving the table first. We had pie, we had wine, we were having a good time, everything's going great. And I start wondering, I'm like, I need some couch time,

the game's still on. Yeah. and it's still kind of popping off. I'm like, wow, I really, I really did it this year. Like, I took responsibility for how much fun everyone was having. And then I realize, not until the next day, when we have this tradition where we go away to this hotel with my family and we spend a couple days down by the beach after Thanksgiving.

And on the car ride, I realize, or because they told me flat out, that my daughters and Joey's brother and cousin were not at Thanksgiving. They were in Flirt City. Did you know this, Joey? At the time, no, but my... Oh, Jesus. We're going to cut that goff. But yeah, my mom did hear you mention that on the radio show,

so I was a little prepared for the idea that this is, all going on. But yeah, I found it a little weird. So you didn't say anything when they left? No. Like some intel, some hot goss to share back to your daughter. Like did they say Tom's got hot chicks in his table? I think they might have said something about them being cute, but there wasn't much mention.

How old is your brother and his, he's your cousin? They might both be 25. They might? What do you mean? My brother's 25? My cousin, cousin 25, 26. Great guys. Yeah.

Really funny. Okay. So is that okay with you, with your 18-year-old? I said to my 18-year-old, those were old men. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, 25's my cutoff. I was like, what? Wow.

Because we have guys mature much later than we do. I'm like, yeah. It's not really up to me. Yeah, it's not. I don't really protest too much. Yeah. So what can you do? But I let them have it.

It is my role to be stay away from those dudes. Yeah. Because they might be. They might be 25. They could be 30. Yeah. And they're military dudes and who knows what. But it was really funny because I'm driving down to this hotel thinking.

So you're like, oh, wow, what a great part. No, they were all trying to get it on. Yeah. I felt weird about it. too, Tom, we're in the same boat there. It felt like my work family and my real family getting together and I don't know how I feel about that.

Well, yeah, because you don't want them to just start making out. No, hell no. You know what I mean? Over the gravy boat. That's the nice thing about military kids, though. Oh, yeah? Yeah, they may be sneaks and not be great people, but they're going to show respect. They're going

to show respect in the moment. Yes, sir. Of course not. Okay, that is nice. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then one of, I think your cousin's mom called the radio show. Really? Yeah. Wow. Thanking us for having them because they haven't spent Thanksgiving with a family in a while.

I think your brother actually said that it had been like four years since he had been at a family Thanksgiving. Yeah. So it was really nice. And I got a good nice note from Joey's father, I think. Mm-hmm. Could I ask you about that? My mom was trying to, she was like, you should put something funny in there, you know, make it funny.

And I don't think he opted for the funny route. Did you find it funny or serious? I don't remember. Yeah. It was charming, so there might have been something funny adjacent. Okay, we'll take it. Perhaps. But, yes, it was really young people, you know.

You got to keep young people in your life. You've got to keep bringing young people around. My nephew came over. Finally, we haven't seen him in so long. Yeah. And he's 20. Yeah. Might be 20.

Yeah. And he brought his high-powered, high-speed, like government SWAT team spy hovercraft. What are those things called? Dron. Dron? That he flies at 50 miles an hour. Whoa. And we, you know, it's big.

And we live on a cul-de-sacks. We went down to the end of the cul-de-sac. And everyone came out and everyone in the, yes. And he wears special glasses like a, it's like a VR type of visor glasses thing. And just went crazy everywhere, just spinning around, like all over. It's cool to see your neighborhood that way, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, it was bananas. Yes. He could literally go down into, yeah.

He actually downloaded it onto my computer. Yeah. But he could take it, he could go down. We have a big huge storm drain. And we were like, oh, don't accidentally fly into the storm dream. I could do that. He could go down. He could go into the storm, like fly through it.

Jeez. Crazy. I have a little one that Kevin Neeland taught me about for his YouTube show. Yeah. And he uses it for all the footage. Oh, were you hike? Yeah. Yeah.

Hiking with Kevin, I think. And it is great. It is really fun. I haven't used it in a while because, you know, what are you really going to do with it? You can go spy on all your neighbors. Yep. You can be like, what's going on in that yard? You can go check everything out.

You can go fly through the neighborhood. It's really fun. But then after you do that a couple times, you're like, what else am I going to do? Well, what, like, what's legal about them? I think pretty much everything. Really? Yeah, they don't have that many. You can hover in front of someone's window.

I know. We've had it in our house. Like, people come and they're in the backyard and look at the, and a lot of times it's people doing, what's it called? When you're shooting a movie and you looking for sites. Yeah. Location? Location scouting.

Yeah, location scouting. People are location scouting. That's legal? I guess. Wow. And think about it. If it's not, who are you going to call? Okay, so there was a drone here.

All right. Can you, like, shoot it down? Yeah, probably. All right, well, then that's the next thing. I'm pretty surprised that it's not a bigger thing. Like, there was a time when down at LAX, there was someone going and messing with the plane. They were getting close to planes. Yeah.

They were landing. And I think they busted them. But I'm surprised with that. You can just get a drone. It's not that much money. You can get a drone. I'm surprised they're not all over the place. Right.

Well, our neighbor did get one a couple years ago for Christmas. You know, all the kids, Christmas Day, they come out with all their new. There's my new bike and my new rollerblades. And all the kids come out. And this really sweet kid Alex, or no, it was Liam, a little kid named Liam, got a drone. And it's like, oh my God, look at my drone. And then Alex says, can I, can I try? And he flies it up and he flies it away and it's gone.

Like Liam just opened up his Christmas present. Oh, my God. And it's just any, and then you can't, because if they're cheap, they don't have like a homing device. Yeah. And it was gone within 10 seconds of opening up a Christmas gift. It's gone. That's what I'm always scared of.

You put it on your iPhone. Like your iPhone becomes. the thing and it goes on the controller and it tells you when it's running out of battery and sometimes it just comes back it comes back yeah but those are the more high-end expensive a little nicer one yeah this is so funny well if you're not giving somebody a drone for Christmas how about you give them tickets tickets are great my wife and I are trying to figure out what to do for New Year's Eve because we're going to be here in L.A and we our children don't want to hang out with us anymore on New Year's Eve. That used to be the tradition. It was all

family, and now we're cut loose. So I'm trying to find tickets to something might be fun. Like I was like, maybe we'll go see the symphony. Maybe we'll do something. And stupid people just go online and start looking willy-nilly and just trying to find stuff. Or if you were looking for a gift for somebody and you want it to be like an experience, the dummies will like Look at a newspaper and look at like the 23 best gift ideas. The smart ones go to TodayTix. Today Tix is your ticket to entertainment with best value on tickets to Broadway and beyond. Getting tickets is as easy as ordering takeout.

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You get a free gift and free shipping when you spend $29 or more. That's Nuts.com slash Papa. Thank you to both our sponsors. Good peeps. What is your Happy Hanukkah, by the way?

Oh, thank you. Do you celebrate Hanukkah with the kids? We dip our toes in. Okay. It's all Christmas? It's mostly Christmas. Although we have some friends that are going to have a little party

and that's where my Jewiness comes out. So I'll go and I'll bring my kids and we'll have some Hanukkah gelt. That's good. Some chocolates and eat some foods. That'll be... That'll be at our friend's house. At like the fourth day?

Yeah, you know, that's what's great. You don't just have one shot. One shot. Slow your roll. People have tried this campaign before. It doesn't catch on. You have eight days. I know.

Eight days of like, what works for you? Tuesday? Ah, Thursday's. But great, it's still Hanukkah. Yeah. It's still Hanukkah. Look. I love the Jewish people.

I know you do. I love people that celebrate their religious beliefs. The eight days, if it was eight Christmases, you'd be like, whoa, this is amazing. It'd be nuts. But when you're lighting a candle and giving them a little something and then walking out of the room, eight more days of this. But can I share something, anyone listening that has kids that are doing both the Christmas stuff and the Jewish stuff? Let me tell you, I found a hack that is so amazing. Yeah.

Okay. My husband was raised with advent calendars. So we've had advent calendars for our kids every year. Right. Okay. Get your little chocolate. Yeah. You get a little treat, a little toy, a little something.

The last couple years, I've made my own Advent calendars. You just buy empty boxes with numbers on them and then you just fill it up with whatever you want. Right. Beef jerky. The days of Hanukkah, they become a Hanukkah. calendar. Just for those eight, wherever it falls, because it's always different. Ah, that's great.

So they're getting their little eight presents, but it's within an already structured systems. Very good. So last night they, you know, a lot of people say you're not smart, and I say you are smart. I appreciate you standing up for me. I appreciate that. So now they're opening their Advent calendar, but it's, uh. That's brilliant.

Yeah. That's really, really great. The Hanukkah stuff. That's great. Now, I'm going to ask you something, and I don't want you to judge me when I ask you. Okay. Because this is not, this is, I can't, I can't predict what you're going to say. But I have Jewish friends that were not aware of this.

Hanukkah is celebrated with donuts. Yes. Jelly donuts. Yes. You knew this. So Hanukkah has a lot of symbols. and the jelly donut is the symbol of like the sweetness of life. Got it.

Yes. Because a lot of, not a lot, but I'm surprised that some of my Jewish friends who celebrate Hanukkah were not aware of the donut part. And now you're selling the eight-day thing. You lean into the donut. Yes, that's right. People are going to start paying attention. I'm the first to admit that Jews need better marketing.

First, first to admit. There's a spectrum of Jews. Sure. You know, there's, and we all fall somewhere on it. I'm a non-union Jew. Right. I haven't paid, you know, gotten my card updated. You haven't gone down to the years.

There's an office. You have to go. You don't go. I'm busy. Right. But I do know, yes, that there's a lot of symbolism. Just like in Passover, there's a symbolism, you know, there's the salty on the big, again, don't ask me what the dishes,

called. I know it when I hear it, but there's a dish. You've seen it. Matsabri. With like a bone and that cell, and then the salty water. Right, right, right. So there's a lot of symbolism. Yeah. But yeah. And the jelly donut. It's not just lachas. No. Again, you're doing, you're doing the thing that you want them to stop doing and get better marketing. I say jelly donut. Don't talk to me about bones on a plate with some salt. You just keep saying, yeah, you Christian, You want donuts? You want donuts? Yeah.

Come to my house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're really good. They're amazing. I know. Yes. And there's a lot of chocolate. So we have that in common.

Yeah, that's good too. You know, we don't do the candy cane bullshit. Yeah. Sorry. You have one candy cane early December. I'm good. I don't need another. Like people that are like, oh, here's a, go to the bank.

They give my kids a candy cane. We went to the post office. They gave my kids a candy cane. And we're done. We have a candy cane. So Mike is talented. Mike is a good cook. Very good.

Is he, does he host, do you host, does he cook for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Christmas Day. At the house. And yeah, we'll have a lot of food. A lot of people over? Probably not as, like the same amount probably. It'll literally be the same people as Thanksgiving. Right.

It's just going to be close family this year. Joey, are you in, oh, no, you're not in town. Yeah, I'll be home. You're going home. Oh, what about your cousin? What's he up to? Does he want to come over? Cousins are not allowed without Joey. Fair enough.

I'm sorry to say it to my daughters, but you're not allowed to have military guys over. They're not family-connected. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they need to have that connection or else it's... So, Joey, you're going to miss out on the big Christmas Eve, Feast of the Seven Fishes. Oh, you do Christmas Eve.

I do Christmas Eve. That's an Italian thing, right? That's an Italian thing. Yeah. The Feast of the Seventh. Seven fishes. You have seven fish. And I also, because not everyone likes it, because it's fish, I also make lasagnas.

Oh. A meat lasagna and a veggie lasagna. Yeah. And yeah, it's a good time. That sounds amazing. Didn't they have like an episode of The Bear? Yes. With that?

Where it just went horribly wrong. That show stressed me out. I know. So much. I could not watch it. I would be. Yeah. furious.

It's really intense. It is intense. It's well done, though. But did you have that growing up when you were a kid? Because I know now you're a California. It's interesting because we would go to my grandmother's house in Clifton, New Jersey, which was about the size of this room. The whole house?

The whole house. And I'm one of 21 cousins, grandchildren. And we would all stuff into that house. and she would, it wouldn't be the seven fishes. It was lots of pasta and meatballs and all that kind of stuff. And then we would cram in and eat in this one room. And then we would cram in where the little tree was. And everyone would sit around and my grandmother and my Aunt Lynn would give gifts to everybody.

And we would all give gifts to the two of them. And you look at pictures and it's a lot of people in like their 80s, early 80s, late 70s, sweaters and hairstyles and crammed on top of each other. And we were all just piled in to this hot, sweaty thing. It's the greatest memory of all. Of all. And I still try and keep the family together. I try, my cousin R.C. and I organize, it's now in our hands to make sure everybody gets together.

We'll be doing that next weekend. We're going to go to my other cousin's house. We usually do it at a restaurant. And we're all going to jam back into a little house and do it again. And we've kept it going, which is pretty great. That's great. Yeah. And now it's like kids you don't even know.

It's like my one side has lots of kids and they've all had kids now and they have kids. Oh, wow. And so people are showing up like, we're related somehow. But I'm not really sure. Yeah, it's pretty special. But living in L.A., without all our family around, we host for our friends. And I started doing the Feast of the Seven Fish. I always wanted to do it.

So that's become our tradition. Yeah. It's pretty easy to do. You know, it don't make, it's not like tuna and swordfish and lobster. It's like a crab dip with oysters in it. That's two. You found a loophole. Yeah, some locks, you know.

Oh, locks is good. And then some big stuff when guine with clam sauce. But your wife won't have fish? She does have fish. Okay, that's nice. She does have fish. That's good. That's good. I don't know how much of it she eats on that night, actually.

I think it's mostly about the lasanias. Yeah. Yeah. So I have a tradition with my mom. Ever since I can remember, we would have Thanksgiving at our house. All the Soviets would come to celebrate. celebrate this like, okay, they tell us, we have day off from work, so we will, you know. That's the thing is that we fully wanted to assimilate, you know?

Right. So all the Russian community came to our house. And my mom would always make a turkey. And the tradition was, at the end of the night, you give some leftovers to people. No, this was Thanksgiving. Sorry. Oh, Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving.

You give leftovers to people and whatever. And there would be, and Cynthia, if you're listening, close your ears on this part. They would be the carcass. Yeah. And my mom and I would sit down. It was just me and her. And like vultures. Just picking?

All night. All night. Just sitting and talking and picking and getting like, it's so gross. I'm so sorry. It's so great though. It's such a memory though. Yeah. It was just my mom and I.

My dad had no interest. You know what I mean? He's like, I don't want to sit here and pick at the brains of this animal. When you ditch that thing. But it wasn't about like, oh, we're eating because we're hungry and we need to fill up. It was just our way of connecting. So this year, I told my eight-year-old, we're starting a tradition because now she kind of gets it. And every year, and she sat with me and we picked at the turkey.

After the laugh factory. We got home and we were a little, we wanted a gnaw a little bit. And we sat and the carcass was still out there. And we just sat picking. I go, this is our tradition. Now this is what Mommy did when I was your age. And she's like, I love this tradition. And we're like breaking the breastplate.

Like, we're so aggressive and just violent. That's great. It's like caveman times. He was with my, they were watching something. Was there a game on that night? I don't know, whatever. Or maybe Mike recorded it. But it was just Claire and I were sitting there.

And she's like cracking the back open. And she's like, yeah. And it was, you saw it. This like the caveman side of her brain like churned on. That's so cute. And we sat and we chatted and we talked and we decimated this core helpless animal. Good for you. Yeah.

There's so many lay. There's so many steps you can take that turkey afterwards. My friend Elizabeth made turkey pot pie. Oh, yeah. And turkey soup. A soup. Yeah. And then turkey salad.

for sandwiches. And I mean, you can really, and then the carcass, you know, with the soup, and you can really go deep. Yeah. That's the one, that's the one hitch in our thing where we go away to the hotel for a couple days right after. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then Christmas, we don't, we don't do the seven fishes, although, I don't know, is it a Catholic thing?

Because my husband was raised Catholic. I think it's more Italian. May I be Italian. We, he does a lot of different porks. Porks. A lot. For Christmas Eve? For Christmas.

Christmas Day. He'll do like a roast beef. Uh-huh. And then like two pork, like, there's a lot. Oh. So for someone like me. Yeah, that's pretty great. I'm so excited. And their Puerto Rico, one is Puerto Rican style.

Okay. Yes. They put in a parade. They put it in a parade. That's right. Shoulder. They dance on it to tenderize it. It's the shoulder.

Oh, pork shoulder. Pork shoulder. Are you okay? I'm okay. I know you like me. I do, but, you know, because one of the things from living with all vegetarians. Yeah. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but my, I don't have the depth of knowledge of cooking meats.

Yeah. Like I can cook basic steaks and stuff like that. And I can do anything, but I don't have that deep knowledge of, like, guys that are into that level. I'm going to save you some. And I'm going to bring it to you. and then you will just melt. It is incredible. It's very generous of you to say.

You don't want any? I do want it, but I don't like being teased. You're going to love it. And we're recording this pretty early. All right, all right. And last time you said you were going to bring me coffee and there's no coffee. When did I say I was going to bring you coffee and not bring it? Because I told you I was going to bring you coffee and then I brought it.

No. It was, I'm going to bring you coffee. I was thinking about getting coffee. I was like, we don't have coffee. And you say, okay, we'll get, next time I'll bring coffee. Oh, yeah. Don't listen to those things. Yeah.

I don't mean those. You mean pork shoulder? Bringing you some pork shoulder. You mean it. Oh, my God. Okay, before we go. Okay. This is all about planning for the holidays.

Yes, all about eating and celebrating. How do you, And your husband handle gifts. Is it just a free-for-all? Are there rules? Are you just get what you get? And we'll see how it goes. So I already got my husband his gifts.

And he opened them already? He doesn't usually, he usually forgets. What? So you gave you something in July and you're counting it as Christmas? No, no, they're hidden. Oh, he doesn't know. He doesn't know. You bought them.

I already bought them because I'm like, oh, let me just get these. I'll forget, and I'm always, you know, I hate being last minute. Oh, that's good. A friend of ours invited us to a Christmas Eve event. And I told her, I go, that is such panic mode for us. We can't go anywhere. We are in such panic mode. We are running to the store, like, counting.

I got her six things and him only five. Let's go. What is with the moms with that? Because it's guilt. They don't need. The kids never notice. Listen, you haven't met my kids. Really?

Oh, yeah. But we are getting them. My wife insists that our kids know too, but I don't believe that. We don't get them as much stuff anymore. It's like you said, experiences. Mm-hmm. We get them, like last year, one of their gifts was the magic castle. Oh, that's fun.

And they're going to remember that forever. We had such a great time. We went. I've never been. Oh. But go see it through the eyes of a kid. You want to rent my kids? I'll lend you my kids.

I got college kids. Nah, it's not the same. They won't like it. They want to make out with 20s. 25 year olds. It's not the same. Will they like it? I'll be making out with a magician.

They will. They'll still like it. But it's a little bit, you know, it's magic. It's magic. So you got to be like, yeah, that's fun. It's fun. Should I try and go when they're home for break?

I think so. It's definitely something to do. Yeah. Where it's a special thing. Like they make you dress up. Like women aren't allowed to wear pants. They have to wear a skirt. Oh, yeah.

There's a dress code. You have to wear a sports jacket, get no jeans, you know, so you feel like it's something extra. Yeah. And it's very fun and cheesy. Yeah. You know, no disrespect to magicians. How long is it?

How over long you want it to be. Oh, you just linger? They want you to, like, sit and eat the meal. You don't have to. You don't have to. You're saying not to. I say not to. Just go for the...

You just go and you show up. You don't need to make a reservation. And you go from little room to room to room. And watch magic. It's very cute. And there's like up close. You convince me. There's a show.

I won't go. Go with kids. Joey did a set. He did stand-up comedy. I know. And I'm very upset that I wasn't invited. I would have gone. It was in a pet shop.

What? A deli. You know, normal place for. How did you get pet shop from deli? Is it that far apart? Yes. Really? And how did it go, Joey?

It went pretty good. Yeah. I haven't gone up too much this last year, so I think there's like some idea of like, oh, I could still probably bring the house down, you know, and didn't quite go that way? What did you just say? Did you hear yourself?

Me or Tom? You? I haven't gone up that much this year, but I could bring the house down? Yeah, that's, that's a... Oh, this generation is amazing. Amazing. They are the CEO of everything.

I do. So did you? No. It went pretty good, though. You got a couple laughs? Yeah, I definitely got a good amount of laughs. It was... How long?

Five minutes. How many laughs did you get? I would say I got... I did about three bigger jokes, I guess. So there were definitely laughs inside of all of those. But maybe not exactly where I wanted each time. My, like, closing bit didn't get a laugh. I had to, like, keep...

going after that, which is a fun experience. But yeah, I think just I wanted to be a little more. I don't think I was like a stiff up there, but I think the other people up there just looked more comfortable in every moment. And why would that be, Kira? I don't know. I have no idea. Maybe it's because you do stand-up every four months.

I know. How many spots did you do last night? Three. Yeah. It's last night. That was just last night. I was at the Comedy Magic Club last night. A headline down there.

I am so happy to hear that. Don't you love it? I always love it. It was great. It was really fun. And someone, a server, I think, came up and said, you work with Kira a lot and she is my favorite. Come on.

Said it with a little too much intensity? Yeah. I'm a good kisser, that's why. People remember me. Yeah, the staff working your way through the staff. Well, they're going to bring you free drinks. That's very kind. Yes, it was very nice.

I'm finally there. Saturday. Oh, yeah? Tomorrow, tomorrow. I have not because I have very gratefully been on the road with you every weekend. And then booked for other things every weekend. And I like to do their weekend shows because there's a six o'clock and an eight o'clock. So then boom, I get my two sets in.

Nice. And then I might tag it on with long. Long Beach Laugh Factory or a late show at the improv. So then I can get three, maybe four if I do the lab and the main room at the improv. But Joey, you get that, right? That's your schedule. That's your schedule, too. You get it.

That's Joe's 2024 and 2025. Vision board. But I'm so glad you were there. Yeah, it was really fun. It's so great. And everyone, they're so nice. And they really take care of you. And they want you to be, like, feel like you're at home.

It's a really great place to go when you're off the road, but still want to do your longer set. That's right. And that crowd, even though it's still L.A., it has a feeling of like, or maybe Iowa. Yeah. You know? They're cute. I love it. Yeah, that's why Lennel goes.

That's right. That's right. Felt that it was a good sample of the country. Really fun, really great. Richard's great. The whole thing was amaze balls. If you're looking for tickets to see Kira and I next year, go to tompapa.com. There's a whole bunch of shows up that we just released the whole tour up to the summer pretty much.

Huh, that's weird. I only have two dates with you. Oh, that's weird because you said no to my dates. Just one time. A girl likes to be asked. I know. A four show weekend. Trust me, I was.

So upset. It was a good one. I am just, you know how I love Key West too. I don't know that. I am beside myself. Really? You love it? I told you my whole biking through Key West story.

You did? Oh my gosh, my favorite things to do. You get a bike and you just bike all up and down that, oh, listen. Two nights, two shows. I know. I know. Whatever. But a girl likes to be asked, so.

I did ask. And then ask me. And then ask me again. Ask me again. Go to tompapa.com for all of that good stuff. Kira on social media at. Kira Comedy on Instagram. And then everyone message Tom and be like,

how dare you, Tom? You got to bring her to more than just two gigs in 2024. Anyways. Even though we talked about living a good life and a healthy life, this is the time to sneak stuff in. So don't eat one day and then eat and drink like crazy the next. Enjoy yourselves. Yeah, enjoy yourselves and we'll see you next week.

Got it, Joey.