Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 186 - Tommy DeVito Fever

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

Tommy Papa - The Original Tommy DeVito.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus It's time for breaking red with pop-bye Hey, hey, it's how we go. Hey, it's time for Breaking Bread with Papa. Hey, don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Welcome, everybody to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I'm Tom Papa.

Thank you for joining us at the table. I'm here with my good pal, Kira Sultonovich. We're ushering in the new year, ushering out the end of this year. I don't know if you usher out years. You can usher. You can escort them out nicely. Escort out and usher in new. Big stuff. It's all coming to a head. Kira and I are pretty much, well, we're off the road for a bit together as a team.

Yeah. We have a lot of shows coming up in the new year. I actually have to talk to you about a bunch. Oh, we should talk about that one, though. The Netflix is a joke festival is back. May. Yes. It's in May.

and I have a huge show on May 3rd at the theater at the Ace Hotel. Big show. Everybody out there has to come to it. I don't care if you listen in Omaha. I don't care if you're listening in New Jersey. This is a big one. There's so many comedians at the festival. Tough competition.

I need to fill up that theater. I think Bill Burr is performing that night. too. So when you can't get into Bill's show. My audience isn't Bill's audience. I'm kidding. I know. Bill's audience is just the worst. These are the Hollywood Bowl.

So we're at the theater at the ace. If you, if you, yeah, I don't, it's a good question. You know, I have put Bill on shows of mine at Largo. And it was very clear who was there for Bill. Yes. Very clear. Yes. I was on an Anthony Jesselnik show, and Anthony, unfortunately, couldn't show up.

Right. And his fans just had to deal with a bunch of comics who were not Anthony Jesselnick. And they were not happy. You can feel it. You can see it. You can feel it. If you're around, I'd love for you to be on that show with me. I am around.

Perfect. So this is the first time that we can announce that Kira Sultanovich has a show at the theater at the Ace Hotel on May 3rd. Which is a great night because it's the beginning of the festival. Yeah. It's going to be fun. You'll go out and kick ass. And that's a beautiful theater. I've never been in it.

Oh, it's gorgeous. That's what I hear. Oh, it's incredible. I don't know if it's in its original. It's downtown. It's an old one, right? Yeah, but it's really, yeah. I did an event there a long time ago.

Oh, really? Yeah, nice. So we're very excited. So everybody come get tickets. Tell your friends. It's going to be a big one. And then a whole bunch of other stuff on the whole 2024 tour is pretty much up. And we're going to have a special announcement about the Netflix taping for the next special.

But I can't say that just yet. Pass me a note. I said pass me a note. I'll write a note to you. I'm sorry to do this to you. But I'm going to start today's podcast talking about sports. I love sports. What sport do you love?

Oh, there's running is a sport. You can do stuff in a canoe. What kind of sports do you like? Are your kids in sports? Yeah. They are. Yeah. Soccer.

Gymnastics, does that count? Sure. And basketball? Sure. Yeah, and martial arts. Is that a sport? No. Chess?

It is, but. Chess is considered a sport. Yeah, it's what I hear. I know. Can you play chess? I know we talked about that. You don't know how. I mean, I can because as a Soviet, it's inside of me somewhere.

Yeah. I just have to kind of dig around. Yeah, and learn what the pieces do. No, I know what they do. I just forget. I lose. Here's the problem. I lose.

Right. I make silly choices. It's such a great game. I love chess. When I had friends, like, in New York, Jim Norton used to play, there were different people that when you can, like, hook up with them and play, like, just, it's such a great game. It is great. It's really so good.

To consider it a sport in our conversation right now, not really. What kind of sports are you talking about? I'm only talking about this because it's going to bring us to our families. So the New York Giants, that's my beloved team out of New Jersey, which is, they call it the New York Giants because I guess they felt in marketing that calling them the New Jersey Giants was never going to work. And even though they play in New Jersey, they're the New York Giants. So anyway, they've been hard.

Horrible, horrible this year. And it's been, they've been horrible for a long time. And this year was even just made people feel worse because this was the year they were going to be better because the end of the last season, it seemed that it was hope. They gave us hope. And then they came out and they just destroyed that hope. And it's been really rough going.

But now they have this new quarterback. Yeah. Backup quarterback. I think he's the second backup quarterback. Tommy DeVito. Have you heard about him? I mean, just because it's been a cultural. It's a great comedy name.

It's a great comedy name. No relation to Danny DeVito that we can tell. He did come from New Jersey. But Tommy DeVito is this Italian kid who lives in New Jersey. And he's now the quarterback of the New York Giants. And he won a big game on Monday against the Packers. It was very exciting. He's brought life.

It's kind of like, do you ever go to a track event in high school? And there's the one kid that can't run at all. Yeah. And after the race, he's still coming around the track. And everyone applauds for him a ton at the end because he's alive. He's alive and he's doing it. And he knows this is, he's not even, there's no chance of winning, but he's going to take his little self across the finish line eventually,

and everybody goes nuts, and it's a little heroic moment, you know? That's kind of the Tommy DeVito and the New York Giants right now. So when he first started, people were like, oh, God, he's not going to survive. Yeah, he's not going to survive. This is going to be a thing. But the funny side story, and now he's like, he's giving him a little spark. He's giving him some life, which is fun. The side story, though, is he,

His name is Tommy DeVito. He's Italian. He lives in New Jersey. And he still lives at his mom's house. No. Yes. Come on. What?

He lives at his mom's house. Oh, my God. And she's doing his laundry. That's what he says. Tommy, put your football stuff in the bin and I'll wash it. That's exactly what Tommy DeVito told the press. He said, why would I, it's the best. She cooks for me.

She does my laundry. I don't have to worry about anything. Why would I not live there? How old is this kid? He's 24, 25. Yeah, he's a kid. He's a kid. How old are you, four hours?

Who makes a million dollars? 27? 27. He's younger than Joey. Oh, my God. How much do you think he's making as the new? Not a lot. What's not a lot?

Joey, what would you guess? Like 200? Yeah, something like that. 200,000? That's not a lot. After taxes and his agent. Yeah. Oh, my God.

That's not. Yeah, he has to live with his mom. And it's a great story because he's playing in New Jersey. He's living in New Jersey. He isn't, he doesn't have the money to go live in a penthouse in Manhattan and just be about, hey, I'm a pro football player. And he just loves playing. He's played on this. Here's what's great.

He doesn't have money for hookers or cocaine or to really get into too much. trouble. Right. Enough money to give his mom something. Mm-hmm. You know, hey, mom, I know you want those new pots and pans, those fancy ones. It's going to be a good Christmas. Yeah.

And then take care of his mom a little bit and still see his neighborhood pals and his friends. I mean, he's a hero. He is a hero. And the whole state now has adopted him. Oh, God. Incredible. You should have seen on Monday night. Did you see it, Joey?

No, I missed. Joey hates New York. It comes from Boston. It's a deep grudge. The whole state has adopted him, and they're going crazy. And his thing, when he scores, he has the Italian hand gesture. That's his thing. And that's caught on.

So now the whole stadium is doing this. And they have emojis that are this, just this. And the whole place, he had a guy. I don't know if it's confirmed, but they were saying it was his agent, was down on the field with him. He looks younger than Tommy DeVito. Oh, no.

He's in all black, black suit, black tie, black shirt, gold chain on the outside of the lapel, black fedora on the cell phone. This is an S&L sketch. It is hilarious. There's no way this is real. It is so funny.

This sounds like a movie pitch idea. It really does. It really does. I'm writing a script right now, a pilot script for ABC that's based on Italians in New Jersey. And I hope it gives them proof of concept. Like people love, since the Sopranos, we haven't had, they're always thirsting for that Italian thing in New Jersey. It's just, it's too good. It's too sweet.

It's, and even if you're not Italian, but you live in Jersey, it doesn't, it's like it's embedded in your life. my Puerto Rican mother-in-law's sister, you know, she might as well be Italian because she's only lived in Jersey. And it's just, it's... They all talk the same. All the mannerisms. They all talk that way. They all have impatience like that.

They just all like, yeah, but they love you so much. That's amazing. So when he was during this game, they kept, they had a camera on his dad across the way in the stands. His dad looks like he's eaten all of New Jersey. His dad is a tick about to pop. I hope he gets through the holiday season. He just so, this guy just eats lasagna. Did this DeVito kid come from a college tea?

Like where did they find him? How did they? It sounds like a Rudy situation. It totally does. I don't even want to look up the college because I want him to just have appeared. played for Paskak Valley High School And then he had to go to work at the diner And now they just said they need someone

And he gave it a shot He showed up, yeah, he just did a walk on That's how, yeah, I agree, I agree We had this, we had this This quarterback that they paid a lot of money From Duke, Sky Jones, and he was just not, It just wasn't happening And he was really, people were souring on him,

They really gave him a shot and he's not that great. And then he got hurt. And I think they went to another backup, and then they got to DeVito, I believe. I don't think DeVito was the first guy. So he's, this is kind of typical of New Jersey football. You always have, even when you make it,

it always feels like it's about to fall apart and like you shouldn't be getting it. You know what I mean? Like Eli Manning was our great quarterback for a while. Yeah. Just his face says New Jersey. You know what I mean? You never looked at him like on the sidelines and was like, oh, that guy looks steely-eyed and ready to make things happen.

He always looks slightly worried and confused. You know what I mean? Is that a New Jersey face? It's a New York Giants. It's a New York sports face. A lot of worry. Yeah. A lot of, oh, we're going to blow it.

Unless you're Yankees, then there's a little more confidence. And what are you? Are you Yankees? Yankees. Yeah. Yeah, that's why Joey. he was really mad because he's a Red Sox fan. Well, I mean, that makes sense.

Why? Boston. Yeah. Well, who else? Who else do you have in Boston? I thought you were going to say something about his personality. Oh, no, he has a great personality. Right.

So despite that, he's a Red Sox fan. I get what you're saying. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Oh, you know who I hung out with Joey? Who? I went and did his podcast. A1 Julian Edelman.

Wow. How'd that go? We're friends now. We're friends. What's Julian Edelman? Julian Edelman is a football player for the New England Patriots, Joey's favorite team. Of course. He won the Super Bowls in like the second wave of Tom Brady winning Super Bowls.

He won them early and there's a little gap. And Edelman is this guy. He's my height. It's 5'10 but just built like a fire hydrant. It's tougher than anything. Wow. And he was, right, Joey? I mean, dominant.

Yeah, he was awesome. He was probably the athlete that, I don't know, when you played sports, if there'd be, like, guys you watch on TV that you try to embody, I'd be, like, running cross-country just thinking about Julian Edelman. I know. He's just like a guy who, he's one of those guys who, on paper, shouldn't be as great as he is, but because he's just ferocious. and dedicated.

He was one of the greatest. But that's what makes these amazing stories. Mm-hmm. Is when like you shouldn't be, you shouldn't have made it. Right. Somehow. That's why I have a, my nephew Sam, who I think you met. I've not met Sam.

You know, Joey met him. He was on the podcast. He's not a sports fan and he's always kind of like, eh, not in, he kind of, you know, smart kid, one of those like, ugh, sports. The drama, the stories, the elation, the human spirit, the stuff that comes out of sports is so fantastic. Like all the reasons that I love it, he should love it too. Here's my issue.

Okay. I love watching because it brings my husband joy and sometimes sadness. Yeah. When his team's not winning. Sure. But thankfully, Mike has never been the kind that. will like, you know, throw a beer and scream at the tea. You know what I mean?

He's just like, ruin the family this afternoon. Oh, well, no, he's never, never. Yeah. And, but I don't like it when one of the teams, which is inevitable, loses. I can't take it. I have to leave the room when I see a grown man. Yeah. Sweat just dripping from every part of his body.

And he's sitting on whatever it is, the basketball, bench or the dugout or whatever. And he's looking at, you know, the numbers and the other team and we have five seconds left. And oh, my God. And then he realizes and the camera's on him and they zoom in and he puts his hands in his head. And then they cut to his wife and kids crying.

I know they're millionaires. I know they drove to the whole life to the stadium and a Rolls Royce. But I literally, and Mike makes fun of me. He goes, you're going to want to leave soon. You're going to want to leave. because this is an upset or whatever it is when the underdog wins and the ones that everyone had money on, they're losing. You're going to want to leave and you're going to want to go because it makes me sad.

Cynthia has the same thing. And I couldn't play sports when I was a kid because of that. Oh, really? When you were a kid. I was at first base and Coach Christensen. I don't know if he's still alive. Probably not. Oh, no, that's awful.

But I'd be on first and I'd have a runner on my base and they were behind. by three or four, whatever, and I'd say, you guys are gonna, don't worry, don't worry. Like, giving a pep talk to the other team. And he'd yell, Soltanovitch, stop giving the other team a pep talk. You mean when a kid would be on first? On my, yeah. You'd be like, I'd be like, don't worry.

I know you're three, down by three. But listen, you can, I bet you can actually steal a second. I bet you can. And I'm giving them, like, I'm making them feel better. And they're all sad because it's like, you know, some important game that I didn't care about. But I knew everyone else on my team cared about, so I pretended like I did. And then I knew they were going to lose.

And then I'd have a runner, like, almost in tears. And the coach is yelling at them. And I would like, don't listen to that coach. So I was going to guess that because Cynthia has that similar thing where she really tears her apart when she sees people that are losing and crying. And especially it is deep because a lot of these. A Super Bowl? Oh, my God. I mean, this is their whole life has poured into this moment.

and it's failing. She has the same thing. But I always equated it, or I was going to guess, that it's because your moms. But if you cultivated this when you were young. I felt it when I was young. Yeah. I was very slow on the cross-country team in high school.

Like second to last slow. And there was always another kid from one of the other schools, just as slow. And I go, hey, let's just run together. Yeah. And I would tell them, don't give up. don't walk. Let's just, we can do this.

Because if you just cross that bridge and then you, we get to the thing and then we're almost there. So we, and I would try to encourage them. Even though you were the slowest? Well, I was a slow, I was, so here's why I was second slowest. When we got about a couple hundred yards to the finish line, I would take off like a lunatic.

You were just storing it up. So I wouldn't be the actual last person. But, but I was basically. Basically always second to last in all of our cross-country meets. And I just, again, I was just doing it because I had to do an extra-curricular thing. And again, Coach Christensen. He was also the coach for that.

And he would yell at me and he would know that I was letting, you know, the other kid know, you can do it and you can finish. Right, right. And then kick dust in their face. So when I was saying earlier about the kid that, the slow kid. who everyone's cheering for a half hour after the event's been over. It was almost you. It was kind of me.

Yeah. Well, so you are, in a way, Tommy DeVito. In a way. Oh, my gosh. Except you don't live at home and you did your own stuff. What if we're all a little bit Tommy DeVito? You know what they call Tommy DeVito? You know his nickname is?

What is it? Do you know it, Joey? No. Italian-Stalian, something like that. He's so upset that we're talking to. York. No, not the Italian stallion. They call him cutlets.

Why? Because he loves his mom's chicken cutlets. Oh, my God, I can't stand this guy. He is hilarious. Hilarious. It's the best. Is his mom at the games, at least? His mom is at the game.

So they show the shot from the stands of Up in the Stans. His agent, we don't know if he's just a character, stop to party city, or if it's really his agent. Yeah. I'm sure they found out by now, and I just have not up on it, is next to his dad, who and his dad is wearing what looks like just tons of beads from Mardi Gras. And he's in his jacket.

And so Tommy DeVito scores and everyone's going nuts. The agent is jumping up and down. The big chubby father kisses the agent on the cheek in a big kiss. then he turns and kisses another guy on the cheek. This is so Italian. And then his mom is just screaming and yelling next to him. So great. And then they go home and make chicken cutlets.

What are the stats on Italian players in the NFL over the years? Good question. You know, because it's not that high. Not that high. Not that high. It's like a leaflet. It's probably, yeah. Of greats?

Hmm. Well, I'm not even saying grates. They've made it to the pros. Whatever, you know. Yeah. AFL, NFL? I mean, there's got to be a good number. But I'm not sure.

Are they kickers? Because they came from soccer? No. Yeah, they came from soccer. They're kickers. They're not kickers. It's not, no, Italian-American, New York is different. Let's see.

I wish we had better. This is a high-risk. endeavor trying to get anything. Well, while you're looking that up, can I tell you another sports story? Oh, wait, they're doing... Oh, see, you... I have to put NFL just because

it immediately brought up Italian football players, a whole bunch of Italian names of people that play soccer in Italy. Who is a famous... Does Italy play American football? List of an Italian-American in all sports. Oh, geez.

Well, I'm thinking it's not a long list. It's not a long list. It's a, well, it's a pretty long list, but not a lot that we know. Are you going back to like 1949? It's got everybody. Yeah. From the 50s. Yeah.

Well, do you know Carmen Coza from 1930? Of course I know Carmen Coza. Do you know? We used to yell, Coza from the stance. Coza. What about Al D'O Greco? Oh, my God. What about Tony DeLuca?

Oh, my God. All of these people have killed. What about? Murdered. Just have bodies, just piled up. Mike DeVito. Do you want to know when Tommy DeVito was born? 1998.

I can't stand it. I still have student loans from 1998. This is too long a list. It's a long list. It's a long list. It's a very long list of, people who you've never heard of. Now I know there's probably some people out there that are screaming and yelling.

Oh, yes. Okay, so here are some bigger names. How did you forget Vinnie, Vincenzo? Tommy. That's what my family calls me, Tommy. And there's a listener on my radio show on Sirius XM, and he calls in, and his name is Davey Baby, and he calls in Tommy from New Jersey. He calls him Tommy and it makes me think of my cousins.

Vince Lombardi, only what the greatest coach of all time with the Green Bay Packers, Lombardi. Vinny Testa Verdi, Dan Marino. Oh, that's right. Marino, I forget. He's like my kind of Italian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go, he's Italian?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe Montana. He's got to be a mix. Yeah, for sure. But his maternal great grandparents came from. Sicily. Okay. That's where my people are from, part of some of my people.

Well, he's from my, he's from my team. All right, then it drops pretty quick. Oh. You're now Gino Marchetti, a friend and teammate of Alan Elmachi from the Baltimore codes called Dick Vermil, Nick Bonacanti. Yeah, he was a great Italian. Current Italian, and the list is over. So you're right, you're right.

You're listing these names, and they all sound like. great pasta dishes. I just got so hungry. Like all of these names sound like a sauce. You want to go in the city and grab some Bruno Badoucci's? That's what I'm saying. Come on. It's Friday. Let's go get some Bruno Bandoucci's. We'll get some Montanhas. Let's get some Banducci's throwing a little Montanhas. Hey, hey, hey, hey, doll. Hey, doll. Can you throw some Costanzos on there? Doesn't it make you hungry? How the Costanzos today? Are they good? Be honest. Amazing. They're fresh. All right. Costanzo is all. around.

So I'm very excited that this is all happening because on Sunday I'll be back in New Jersey doing the big Papa family Christmas thing. We've talked about that. And I'm in charge of organizing it with my cousin and we will be jammed into this tiny little house at my cousins. And there could nobody really, in very Italian fashion, no one really. no one really feels that they need to respond to an email we could easily walk in and there could be 75 people it's probably going to be around 65 it could be as high as 80 i have no idea it could be 20

nobody seems to care about responding you got to just start calling them don't email i know you got to just start calling them it's really true then they feel that a little bit of tinge tinge Hilt. Mm-hmm. And then they're like, of course, I'm going to be there. And I'm going to bring 500 Bandini's with me. All my, all of my cousins are making cookies. They're bringing cookies.

My cousin R.C. is working on the, it's funny, he's in charge of beer and wine and drinks. He's like, how much beer and wine do we need? Not much. It's not a drinking crowd. No. No. Nobody really boozes it up.

And that's not the event to do it. I was like just bring four bottles of each just for show. You know, it's like a couple beers. You're Italian on both sides. I am. And I have one grandfather that was German. And how many of your cousins are Italian, like? They're all, yeah.

Both sides. Just what I'm saying? Like whoever your parents' siblings married. It seems like a lot. A lot. Yeah. Yeah. They're all in.

Yeah. It's going to be very heavy Italian, which will be great. I'm going to go pick up my daughters, and then I'm going to drive them to my cousin's Joanne's house. We're going to hang out with Josephine and Bob and Anthony. I feel like I'm getting a little peek at what you sounded like when you lived in Jersey. I'm trying to turn it on. I hear it.

Yeah. It's working. I didn't have a, I had a heavy, I guess a, heavy accent. It's funny, my daughter is going to school in New Jersey right now, and it's starting to sneak in. Really? I just not a little bit, a little bit, a little bit, just a little bit.

I had it, but then when I was acting in college, they took me aside. I was doing all my sons, which takes place in, I think, Ohio, that play. And they said, so you're Midwestern, so Tom, they took me aside and said, Here's some things that you say that the rest of the country doesn't say it that way. And they went through the list. Talk, coffee, draw, stuff like that. And just hearing it, kind of, I started concentrating on it and kind of cleaned it up. But people say when we're performing, people come up and they'll say that they did hear it.

They hear a little of it. I hear a little bit of it when you're performing only because it's more the, not intonation, but like the pacing, you know, kind of like how you might repeat a sentence and give it an extra oomph. Emphasis. Yeah. And then the little jersey sneaks in that way, like through the back door, like a little br-druth right up there. You jerseify some of your sentences. and says, yeah, I hear it. Yeah.

You know, I don't think there is a San Francisco accent. People say that they think there is. I don't think there is. I don't, I couldn't say that there was. Some people think that the only thing we have is Hela. Hela. Hela. Hela is a San Francisco Bay Area thing. Uh-huh.

You grew up saying, Hela, I'm Hela late. That's Hela Far. Right, right. I'm Hela hungry. Yeah. That's a thing, but that's the only thing we have. That's it. What about the Italians in North Beach?

They were Italian. That's the thing. So it's weird. It's like San Francisco's this weird city of like everyone that's an immigrant, it feels like they just got there that afternoon. Right. You know, because like the Chinese community. They stay within. They, they, there's like no English.

And I'm not saying that in a racist way. These are my friends that I grew up with. Their parents know English. Don't have to. They didn't have to. Yeah, of course. And then, of course. And then my parents.

Like, maybe that's why there's no real accent, because it's just so many immigrants. Do the Italians in North Beach sound like the Italians in New York? No. They, so we used to go to this little cafe. I wonder if it's still happening, Cafe Trieste. And on the weekends, there are these little four-foot-one Italian men, this big, this big and this big around. They just looked like a ball. They just were a round sphere.

And they, you would get coffee and they would sing Italian opera. Nice. And when you, and then, you know, when you go give. My pita, you know. And they're so tiny. They're so tiny. And the little espresso cup looks so big in their hands. They're so little.

And you'd compliment them afterwards. That was incredible. That was beautiful. Oh. And they just speak to you in full Italian. So I don't know. I thought they were hired. I was like, oh, they hired.

No. They just, I mean, maybe. Maybe they do speak English. Yeah. They just sound like they just got here from Tuscany. There's a restaurant near Cobbs. Might be Villa Roma. Sure, yeah.

It says on their sign the oldest Italian restaurant in America. Yes. And how could that be, I always say to myself as I'm hustling along. How could that be in the, like shouldn't it be in New York? It should. Yeah. Do they mean America? I think they do.

I don't know. I think they're making a claim. Yeah. When I was a kid, North Beach was way more Italian. You know what I mean? Like you can't have a Chipotle in North Beach. Right. You can't.

And there were no chains. No franchisee chain-y thing. You know, it was just a deli, a restaurant, a coffee shop, a dry cleaner. a deli, a restaurant. I mean, that's just what it did. It repeated, it was a pattern all the way up and down Columbus. Yeah, it's still, I have to say North Beach is more Italian than Little Italy is in New York now. Really?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, and it's really shrunk in New York. It's down to a couple of blocks. And Chinatown is just taking it over. Yeah. And it's just, it's gotten, it's really small. That's funny.

is our Chinatown in San Francisco also butts up against North Beach. Yeah. Because once you get out of that Stockton Tunnel, that's the end of Chinatown, and then you have... Yeah. Yeah. North Beach. So great. So I'm excited to go back and it's going to be on Sunday.

I can only hope that the party syncs up with Tommy DeVito. Oh, is there a game? Playing, yeah. That's going to be incredible. I know. You have to set up a camera. You have to set up a camera, please. It's got to be happening all over the state.

I mean, everybody has got to be. I know, but you have to set up a camera and just get all of your families drunk on cookies or wine reactions. It's going to be very funny. This, you know, sweet Italian boy from Jersey. Yeah, it's really, he's become, he is a little bit of the Italian stallion, Joey. See, Joey, we just don't be jealous that we have a story this year. I'm not jealous. I know we got nothing going on, no stories out of Boston, but.

Is there anything you want me to ask my new best friend, Julian Edelman? Oh, not really. I feel like I'm good. No, you know. Yeah, I don't know what I could possibly ask that, man. You know, he's just lived as an idea for me for so long that, you know, maybe I'll just leave it that way. Did you play sports as a kid? I did, yeah.

I played like hockey, baseball growing up and then running seriously like high school, college. Yeah. You could see him being a light little sprite running through the woods and cross-country. Yeah, for sure. I can see you being a cross-country runner. Yeah. What is Mike? What's his background?

Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican. And Irish. And Irish. So his parents are like West Side Story. They met in Queens? Mm-hmm.

Queens? Queens? Long Island. I think maybe his dad's from... A little deeper. Is there a Rockaway something? There is. Okay.

Rock away. Down on the... It's like a little beach. Queens. I don't know if he grew up on the beach, but Queens and Long Island and then I think the Bronx, Spanish Harlem. Right. You know, his mom was born in Puerto Rico.

Boy, boy. Beanie. Boy, does he watch West Side Story? way too much. Way too much. I had some shows other night and I said, what did you and the kids do last night?

He goes, we watched West Side Story. The new one? No. The classic. No, the old one. And I go, that's too much. You've already watched it.

I mean, maybe once a year, maybe. It's like the third time in a few months. Really? You know we have like all the streaming. All the streaming. You think it's because of the holidays? He's starting to feel a little nostalgia. I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, someone recently asked me, you know, you're in a mixed marriage, and I just laughed and laughed. I go, how is it mixed? Like, well, your husband's Latino. And I go, really? I think it's stretching. I mean, he is. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. But it's not like, oh, we don't speak the same language. And we don't understand, like, our cultures are so different. And I go, yeah, but he was born and raised in L.A. Yeah. And he's just an L.A. guy. And they were like, mixed. I love how this generation, mixed marriages.

Well, is that an older generation saying that? No, a younger person. Really? Yeah. I would think that would be an older perspective. It does. So when his parents got married, his grandfather was a little bit like an Archie bunker.

Not too happy. His son was married. Yeah. A Puerto Rican. Right. The next day, they literally, we're leaving. They left.

They left. New York, they left New York, and drove out to California. I have to think it's maybe because there was some pissed off Irishmen. Let's go, let's get out of this. Let's get out of it. Really? But I think it's a great mix. Interesting.

Yeah. That's really interesting. And he, all his cousins are like blonde red heads with green eyes and freckles. I might have told you this story. There's this great picture that I love so much. It's a cousin picture at a wedding. Right. And everyone's getting together.

They're like, come on, cousin picture. Come on. And they're all redheads, all of them with freckles and white pasty skin. And they're all great. But, you know, they're just Irish. Yeah. And they go, Mike, come on. Get in.

Jump in. So he had taken off his tuxedo jacket, but he had that black vest with a white dress shirt. And he jumps in the front. And it looks like the valet driver has photo bombed this group pick of like white kids. Because he's like, ah, you know what I mean? The cater waiter jumped in last second. Because he looks, you've met him. Well, when he was younger, he looked way more Latino.

Right. Way, way more. Yeah. Are his folks still around? Yeah. Yeah, still live in the same house. Really? He was born in.

Wow. Yeah. And that's in California. Yeah. Here in L.A. And do you see them on the holidays? Yes. They come over, his sister and his nephew and my dad will come over.

So we're going to do, you know, just again, small little thing. Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Christmas Day. So as Jews, we didn't know. Right. We did Christmas Eve. Right. Which is what Italians do too.

Really? I just saw a post on Instagram saying, you know, I'm on all these Italian accounts. And I think one is like hardcore Italians. He said, you know you're Italian if you celebrate Christmas on Christmas. Eve. Is it because you go to Mass right after the dinner? Yeah, and it's the big feast of the seven fishes and you have everybody over and then people go to midnight mass and then Christmas is just your small media family gifts and chill.

You wake up, you're in pajamas. All day. You're just having the coffee. Yeah. Every single commercial. Yeah. Christmas this year is on a Sunday. So.

Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve is a Saturday. No. Yeah. Christmas is Monday. I don't think you're right. 25th. I think she might be right.

You're right? You owe me in a college. Christmas is Monday. Christmas is a Monday. That's why you're having the thing on, well, you're having it this Sunday. But did I ever tell you when I was a kid how I was so jealous that we didn't have a tree. And my whole neighborhood was lit up with trees and lights and tinsel. Did I ever tell you what I did?

I forget. So it was the late 70s, early 80s, and those big huge feathers were in. Yeah. My parents had a vase, a floor vase that was tall, one of those tall. And they had like six or seven of these like really cheesy disco feathers. And they were purple and green and red and gold. Right. And they were just part of our living room decorations.

They were hot. And I decided that was going to be my Christmas tree. So I would find, like, whatever, like a bow on a present that came loose. And I'd tuck it in my pocket. When I came home, I would stick it on the vase. And then, like, some tinsel from Sarah and Rachel's house down the street. They had this massive tree. Their tree was so big.

It bent. It was like a snoopy. Like, it bent. It was too tall for the ceiling. And it would, like, bend over and it was incredible to me it was the most incredible thing I'd ever seen in my life

and it was just covered it remember that tinsel used to throw just shreds and I would just like pocket a little bit and bring it home pocket and bring it home and then slowly decorate the feathers what was your parents' reaction

when they realized they knew I was a lunatic they knew I was mentally ill when I was a kid because I just I didn't have any other choice I had to have a Christmas. Yeah, you wanted Christmas. I wanted Christmas. It's a powerful force.

I would take my own toys and wrap them. Toys I already had owned for years and put them under the tree. Oh. And just try to do. You would wrap them yourself and put them under the feathers? Yes. And any kind of little. Oh, Santa came.

You'd scamper down there by yourself in the morning. In the morning, I would unwrap my present, my gifts. that were already, I already owned. How do you know? Did this go on for years? I did this for a few years. Yeah. And then my parents started to really feel sorry for me.

Yeah. And then we moved. Mm-hmm. Junior high, we moved, and I begged them for a tree. Yeah. And it was the first time in my life that they were like, all right. So they did the tree. We'll have a tree.

And they, I don't know why. They said, we'll even do a, you know, Christmas Eve. dinner. Wow. So then it started. So then we invited all these Russians over. Right. And I saw my mom do one of the most amazing things once.

Yeah. A friend brought a girlfriend. We didn't know she was coming. And everyone was doing gifts and exchanges and presents. And my mom felt terrible like this girl is just going to sit here on this couch and watch everyone open presents. Right. She went upstairs. She found a belt.

beautiful. Like it was the 80s. It was very crazy ornate. Like I had all these like splashes of color. And it was leather and it was chunky and it was big. But it still had a little tag on it. My mom had to warn it yet. Right.

She found a box. She wrapped it. Yeah. And she brought it downstairs and hid it under the tree. And then someone else discovered it like, oh, Ilona, this is for you. And for me, like the look on her face. But you, how did you? They're like, yeah, of course, we knew you were coming.

Your mother's all of a sudden Santa Claus. So that, when I saw my mom do that, that was just like one of the most. That's so sweet. Selfless things. Even though I'm sure there's better things that she's done in her life. Right. But I was a kid who thought, what? Yeah.

Something of yours. You nailed it. Yeah. Well, I like to, I'd like to think that she was kind of inspired or learned. assimilated. How to give her own things as gifts from watching you. Wrap up your own toys and give them to yourself. And the acting job I did was incredible.

Yeah. I would tear into them. What is it? What is it? Look what Santa brought me. Just this old Barbie that was so jacked up already. Look, Santa gave me this. I think one of my Barbie.

as I wrapped, had like marker, like I tried to give her makeup. It was just disgusting. Yeah. Oh, it's so sad. Yeah. But sweet. But in the Soviet Union, there was obviously no Christmas. But, yeah.

Deed Moroes, dead means like father, grandfather, uncle. Moroze is freezing. Winter. Uncle Winter comes. Uncle Winter comes. Uncle Winter comes. But he's only on New Year's. So New Year's Eve is a massive.

celebration for Soviets. Isn't funny? Like you just, there's something just in human beings that needs to celebrate and end the year and start anew and there's like that and everyone expresses it, whoever, whatever way your parents told you to express it. Well, they couldn't, they couldn't do it any other way in Russia and, you know, it was the USSR. So I've never met a person from my times, Soviet times, who, who, didn't like have a massive New Year's party.

Just explosion. Do you carry that? Yeah. I like working on New Year's now as a comic. I like it. I like to be out. Yeah. I, you know, usually they pay really, really well.

I know. I should have worked this year. You don't like to work on New Year's? I don't. I would work in New York, like do an early spot just at the seller during their New Year's celebration. And then it was just always with family. It was always with my daughters and my wife and like some very close friends and some my sisters and that kind of a thing.

And now we're at a point where the kids don't want to really hang for New Year's with us. And we're kind of cut loose. And yeah, I should. You guys just in bed. I should go back to working. No, we still try and do it. And last couple of years we just, well, last year Cynthia had co. COVID. So I was on my

couch by myself. Yeah. Eating, drinking vodka and eating caviar. Nice. And watching TV. It was nice. It was good. I don't have to go crazy. Remember last year how it poured? It was wild. Remember the weather last year? We had an insane winter last year. I know not compared to other places, but it was wild. Yeah. So this year, do you have plans this year?

I'm going to work, yeah. You're going to work. I'll be at the crow, if anyone in Los Angeles. Ah, the crow. That's nice. I should I should start working again on New Year's, I suppose. It's something to do. It's something to do, because now I got nothing to do and I can't come up with anything.

Yeah. Maybe I'll go watch you with the crow. Come down. It's a small little room. Yeah. But I'm trying to get other spots too. So you'll run around a little bit? Yeah, I like to run around.

Right. And what about Mike? Yeah, he either comes with me or he doesn't. He's at home with the kids watching West Side Storyoff. Oh, God, again. Michael, get over it. It's a mixed marriage. Maybe he thinks you're more mixed than you think.

No. No. I don't know. He's sitting in there watching that all the time. Yeah, I don't know what's going on. Streaming it big time. You know, like the older you get, maybe the more. You know, there is a thing that happens.

You get more to Ancestry.com. That's why all these, like, old men especially, I don't know if you saw. There is a statistic. They are the ones that start the whole. Ancestry.com and making the family tree. Yeah. And it happened to Mike's dad. He's obsessed.

Interesting. He asked me all these questions about my family and I go, I have no idea. Right. They're gone. Right. They're dead. And we never clocked it. And you know what I realized.

Does your father know stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he got the information before a lot of people died too. But I realized I can also just tell him anything. Oh, my great uncle. Don't do that. Why not? Come on now.

Volodya. You're so Russian. Russians are so good at just wiping out history and making up new ones. We're sneaky. Don't trust us. No, but I mean, he thinks that because my mom was born in Kyrgyzstan, because it was World War II, that she's from Kyrgyzstan. So he puts that in the family tree thing that he creates.

And I go, no, no, that's just she was a Holocaust survivor. Like it's not, she's not from there. Well, this is why you find out. Then you correct them and then you, right? It's so, it's also a book of Mormon. It's like they go to the Mormon church to get a lot of their information. And I go, Brian, they're not going to know anything about Jews. Who's Mormon?

The Mormon people are behind Ancestry.com. So when you're spitting in that file. I learned this recently. Yes, they have the big library. You know why? I do. but I don't want to say, I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist. Well, why do you think?

I don't know. I know why. Okay, tell me. Because it's part of the mission of the Mormon people to convert all people who have been on planet Earth to Mormonism, even the people who have died. So they try and connect it all to living Mormons. So this is my Mormon friend taught me this literally last. to make their numbers bigger? Well, maybe.

And the cynical version would be to make their numbers bigger. The light and fluffy version is that we are saving souls. So they'll go through, they'll find out that you are connected to this person who's connected to that person. And now you're back into the 1800s. But because they can track the lineage, they can then claim. or save the souls, even of those who have passed, and embrace them into the Mormon church and then put them into the big book. Oh, my God.

Is that wild? That's nuts. It's really, yeah. Well, I keep telling my father-in-law, we're not in there. Trust me. And the only time we are is because they converted us to get a bike. Did you know that if you convert a Jew, the Mormon church gives you a bike? If you convert a Jew to Mormonism, you get a bike.

You get a bike? Yes. Wow. Can I do it as a Catholic? We are a big ticket item. Can I just drop you off at the Mormon? Like, where's my schwin? Yeah.

We were in Salt Lake City. We could have, I could have dropped your name and gotten a bike. Oh my God. You could have dunked me in a big pool. Do they do that? Do they baptize like that? I don't think they do. No.

I don't think they do. I think that's a Christian thing. Is that just, yeah, or your people? Don't Catholics do that? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah. I don't think they do. I don't think Catholics go to like a lake. It's too fun. I think we just pour some oil and stuff on your far head in the church. Hey guys, we're going to go jet skiing. No, no, no, no, no. Because cousin Robert found the savior.

No, we are not about enjoying all this. That's hilarious that you think posthumately. Am I saying that word correctly? I don't know. I'm probably not because I'm not sure what word you're saying. Postumumously. Postimilously. That you can save someone's soul.

Mm-hmm. You know, it's really... That arrogance. Yeah. That's their thing. There's a term for it. For going back. And it's like your job is you're supposed to be actively tracking all of these people through history.

Dropping them into your... That's bananas. Yeah, so like you can get some guy who is dead in 1920 who didn't even know the word Mormon, but they can claim it as theirs. I mean, for them. That's nuts. Retroactive Savior. You ever see the book of Mormon?

I have not. It's one of the biggest regrets. It's still on Broadway. Okay. Still on Broadway. You should see it. I want to see it so badly. funniest shows.

I wanted to take my husband when it was at the Pantages. I can't remember what happened, but we just couldn't get it together. The thing is, here's my problem. I want the best seats. Yeah. And for that, it's like, okay, am I willing to drop a grand? I know. You know?

So expensive. So I don't know. I just waited too long, but I'll go see it for sure. I want to see it. It's really great. I did take my kids to a Hanukkah dinner last night. Oh, you did? Yes.

All right, what was that? And they felt bad because they didn't know all the words to all the songs. And I taught them a trick. I said, here's how you just sing along. And you don't even have to say words. You can say gibberish. Right. But just be a little sad when saying it.

Oh. Oh. Baruch at Adonah, Allah, Melichama. Melahalah. Amo Tiliah. Right? You just a little bit. And you're just a hair behind.

And you're just a hair behind. And you don't have to even say the real words. And they tried it. They're like, it worked. Is there any part of you that, will they be Bermitsbitt or any of that stuff? No. No. They go to a Jewish camp and I feel like that's enough.

Right. For a couple weeks of summer, do, learn a couple dances, sing a song. So Irish and Puerto Rican, was he Catholic? Catholic. Both sides. Both sides. very Catholic. So then, but the kids don't go to church?

No, the closest we got was a little bit of a daycare at a church for the older one. Again, just... It's daycare and camp. That's close enough. I think that's the best you can do sometimes. You're giving them a taste. Right. But I will say, my father-in-law, whom I love.

Yeah. He really is great. He's an incredible person. He wants to just make stuff for you and give you things and create you helpful. He was a little... a little, kind of didn't like Jews at first. I don't know why, but like he did kind of give me some weird Jewie gifts. At first.

Yeah, like, you know, like a Christmas, like a Christmas ornament for Christmas as a stocking stuffer. But it was like Mickey Mouse wearing a Yamoka. All right, he's trying. In the shape of a star of David. Well, but I don't. I thought you were going to say he gave you like rosary beads. Like Jesus on the cross or something. I mean, he's trying to honor your thing.

Yeah. Just a little off. But, you know, it's a little weird. Yeah. Right? I mean, like, if you're in-laws, it is. Why is that weird? Because it was like a Christmas ornament of a Hasidic Mickey.

It just doesn't. I'm not saying it's not muddled. It's muddled. It's muddled, but the expression is, I think, I've never met the man. Yeah. Maybe that's what you're alluding to. but it sounds to me like he's trying to. He's tried.

He's like, she likes cats. I'll give her this magnet. Sure. Yes. But also, no. What am I going to do with this? He gave me a singing rabbi once. But you have a tree.

We do. We have a beautiful tree. So is the Mickey thing on the tree? I think it might be. Yeah. Because I feel bad. There you go. Because he knows that Jew's going to feel guilty.

She doesn't put it up. That's right. And you get a little Jesus in there. Well, this was really fun. I'm very excited to go off to New Jersey and land in Tommy DeVito land. Please set up a camera. I'm begging you. A GoPro in the corner.

You won't regret it. Hey! I was wondering, I was thinking I should show up with a Tommy DeVito jersey. Even better. I think his jerseys have spiked like a thousand. I would not doubt it. It's so great. Well, we're moving closer and closer to the big holidays.

I'll give you a little update. I've baked six loaves of bread. It is kind of upsetting that I can't give you my bread. You can. I know, but then you're just going to throw it away. Absolutely not. We have people over. I'll cut it up.

I'll serve it to our guests. I'll do it closer maybe for Christmas. I promise you. I'll take such good care of it. But I am baking a ton of it. I'll wrap it in a little baby blanket. Do you hear that sound? What's that?

That's Joey saying, why not give it to me? Oh, yeah, I did hear that. You know why, Joey? Because you get everything. All right. Tell Kira what you left Thanksgiving with. Cornbread? Did I leave?

No. It took you, your brother, and your cousin to get it outside to the Uber. A television. Yeah. What? Oh, yeah. I'll take a television. I can't believe I had to remind him.

A whole flat screen TV. Yeah. Wow. Joey makes out like a band. He sure does. He sure does. Wow, Joseph. All right.

Happy holidays, everybody. We'll see you next week.