Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 187 - Merry Christmas, One and All!

Episode Date: December 26, 2023

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Welcome, everybody to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa and Kira Sultanavage. It's our final show of the year. Bum, bum, bum. It's a thousand degrees in our office. We don't know what happened here at the podcast headquarters. Someone came in while we were away, and I got lots of text messages. Just saying I'm working on the lights and we're working on the air. You guys are going to go out in style. It is 200 degrees in here?

Approximately. Do you think it's 200 degrees in here because they hear our podcast and you're always talking about saunas? Can you imagine if that was like we're going to give them a little surprise? Kira is going to be so happy. That woman lives in saunas. But the difference is in a sauna, I can be completely naked. You can hear too. We'd like to thank the good people at Wild Grains.

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when you go to wildgrain.com slash papa to start your subscription. That's wildgrain.com slash papa, PAPA, or you can use the promo code Papa at checkout. I got these nice people, you know, in the beginning,

they send you some stuff. They're like, try this out, and you'll see if you like it. They sent a whole other box two weeks ago, and there was a cranberry sourdough pecan. Pecan loaf. What? Yeah, and you just put it in the oven and you do the final bake.

It's really good. Wow. Do you say pecan or pecan? I think we had this conversation. I forget what you said. Peckin. Oh, right. Yep.

Today we have our good friend, this is where my two worlds are interceding. We've got my good friend Joe Bolter, the Cracker Jack producer of my radio show, has filled in for four ounce, who is on sabbatical. I thought he was going to be Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln? Yeah. Yeah. He said he doesn't like four ounce.

He says he doesn't like four ounce. Joe, you've dealt with him before. Yes. Do you think we should call him four ounce or Abraham Lincoln? I will say, I don't know the context of where four ounce came from, but it immediately made sense when you said it. He is very, very kind and seems like he would never lie like honest Abe, but four ounce just really nailed.

him from the second you see him walking up the street. Yeah. Yeah. It's easier to say, and it makes him a little angrier. Can I make a confession? Yes. I told him that I was going to change four ounce in my phone, and I didn't. Good.

Poor guy. Poor Joey. Poor Joey. But he's on sabbatical. So Joe is filling in, and he is on the mic, and this could be. I guess the end of four ounces career. Oh, we can't do that to four ounce. I know, but you're so good at all this stuff.

I do like this stuff. This is fun. I mean, how crazy he walked in here, despite it being 200 degrees, and he's able to get all these wires and things working and up and running. He took off a layer of clothing like I did. Yeah, he doesn't look as attractive. This is a brazier. Is it really?

This is a brazier. You're in a bra. I'm in a bra because I wear it. It's velvet and it's layer. It's thick. Oh, yeah. That is thick. And I'm wearing velvet pants and boots up to my kneecaps.

All right. Well, explain to the people why you're all dressed in velvet as we're doing our podcast. It was a, I had a holiday party gig I had to go to, so I figure why not dress up a little bit, right? It's a corporate. Okay. So I came straight from there. All right. And into.

So you were dressed all fancy, schmancy. And by the way, this is a very religious company. Uh-huh. So their pastor was there. What religion? The Jesus one. Which one? I don't know which one, which flavor.

A pastor. He was there. Probably in Protestant maybe. I don't know, but the first thing I said is you guys are not great at building if you need someone to pray that it doesn't fall apart. If that's what you have a, why is your pastor here? They liked it. They liked it.

They didn't like much else. Yeah, it sounds like it went a little rough. It was horrible. Yeah, this warms my heart. So you were on stage in your velvet. By the end of the set, were you hotter than you are sitting in this podcast studio in your velvet? This heat right here is the worst bomb feeling. You know what I mean?

Worse than what I just experienced. Oh, so it wasn't this time. It wasn't, this is. It really, Joe, now I was really excited to show you our studio and let you be impressed by this whole operation, how close it is to the house. Our nice little elevator, the whole thing. You know, we're running a first-class operation. We came in and all our lights are gone and no air at all. What is your impression of our podcast?

Yeah, I mean, I am a sweater to begin with. Like, and this is a new territory, and so I would have been sweating just from the anxiety of the situation. Yeah. And now I'm just drenched, like head to toe drenched. So it's not like, I can't make a good decision right now because I'm not physically comfortable. What would happen if we had a big guest today? It would have been a disaster. Yeah, they'd be like, I'm sorry, we can't do this.

Or, you know, they would understand. Maybe that's the hook. We call it the hot seat. You've actually done this already. I have. I've done a talk show in my sauna, but you call it the hot seat. Call it the hot seat. And they have to answer some questions that they are not comfortable answering.

What would be good is if we had a thermostat could control the air, we could make it either really hot or really cold and you don't know which one you're going to get. You come in and you're either in a cryo chamber or you're in a hot sauna. And then we change it depending how we feel about you during the podcast. I've so much to tell you. I just got back last night from my big East Coast holiday adventure. And I have a lot of Tommy Cutlets to talk to you about. But I just wanted to start off. I know that you can't eat things.

But I found something that I think maybe you'll be able to eat. Okay. And this is your Christmas present. It's some roasted, salted almonds. You want to tell me why you can't eat them? No, I'm going to have one. I'm going to have one. What's wrong with an almond?

There's nothing wrong with an almond. You can eat nuts, right? Sure. If I wanted to poison myself. What's wrong with nuts? I'm kidding. It's fine. Okay. These are great. These are not just nuts. They're confections. And this, this, I know this is for your children.

And I know you don't let them celebrate things. So I brought them one candy cane that they can split. That is so considerate. You're welcome. You know, they love to fight. Yeah. So this is perfect. Right.

They can fight over this. And they'll complain because it's already a little broken. This is the perfect gift. It gives them everything they want. Merry Christmas. Thank you. My gift to you. Do you want to know my gift to you?

Yes. I'm sitting here in a bra. I have to say it's a pretty good present. This is horrifying. Poor Joe has to sit behind this weird curtain. Well, I guess he can zoom in on your camera. Yeah, there's a lot of cleavage, Ohio, going on. Joe, it looks like you're doing the wide shot a lot,

and you probably shouldn't. Oh, yeah? Yeah, no one likes the wide shot. Okay. They like to be tight on my head and then tight on Kira's undergarments. It's kind of, or as we call them,

our podcast money makers. Oh, Lord. So tell me everything. Tell me everything. What do you want to know? You got off the plane. Go. I got off the plane back in New York.

Buoyuk. My first stop is I have a commitment at Wait Wait Don't Tell Me that I'm doing from Carnegie Hall. Amazing. Very exciting. I get to be on with Karen Chee and Nagin Fersad, two very funny people, and the whole Wait, Wait, Crew is there and our good buddy Bill Curtis. And it's very exciting. And so I flew in the night before, and I go up to Carnegie Hall to do the show. And I walk in and there's a guy sitting at the security, you know, when you walk in backstage at the stage where there's always that guy behind the glass. It takes your name and tells you whether or not you can go forward or not. And he goes, I, you know, he knew me from my comedy, which was very cool

because, like, a lot of the crew guys knew me, which I appreciated. And he has a tinfoil sandwich of some sort on his desk. And I'm already just appreciating New York, loving it. New York. I'm like, you know, it's so nice to be able to Christmas shop just walking around. It's festive. People are saying hello. People are saying Merry Christmas when you make your purchase. You get to actually pick things up and see whether they're worth buying or not. It's an amazing, I don't know if you've ever been to stores. Before Amazon, there was a thing called stores. And it was a whole experience. And it was so lovely. And I'm already just kind of buzzing and kind of excited

about New York and I go up and I'm walking to Carnegie Hall. Can't get any more in New York than that. I thought and there is this chubby guy taking the names with a giant sandwich. And I said, what is that? And he said, it's the signing book. I said, no, that. I pointed at the sandwich. And he said, oh, that's my chicken palm filet.

I said, where did you get that? Oh, there's a place over there named GEO's. There's an arrow and you go down under the street and you get a pretty good. So that looks really exciting. And you're going to eat the whole thing? And he looked at me like, what dumb question was that? So I go in, I do the show. It's very fun.

We have a great time. Rachel Maddow is the special guest. Oh, wow. It was very cool to meet her. Have a nice time. I'm very funny. Everything goes well. And then I go to meet my friend Skyler on my way out.

And I pass the chicken palm guy. And I said, so how was that? And he said, it was really good. You were really funny. There was a lot of big labs. We always like having you guys. I said, no, that's not what I'm talking about. He said, how was the chicken parm?

He goes, oh, it was a good one tonight. It was a good one. That moment was just like, that's why you live in New York. There are people that have priorities there. And they know that a chicken parm, in the middle of probably his dinner and his, Late night dinner. Yeah.

This was just a chicken parm snack. Right. Kira, it was the size from your elbow to your fist. Incredible. Yeah. You would have eaten it, and I think died on the spot. No, I would have chicken and parmesan? What are you talking about?

It's on a roll. Well, I wouldn't have eaten the roll. It's a chicken. Everything else is game. Oh. You can't eat anything about this. It's chicken. Yeah.

Floured, doad. Gotcha. I mean, not dood. Floured, fried. Cheese. Okay. Tomato sauce. On a giant roll.

Yeah. We both have. Okay. So can they use chicken flour? No. There was a guy once in Queens, I think. Yeah. That said, hey, fellas, what if we fry this in chicken flour?

And they dumped in the East River. You never heard that story? I never heard that story. That's weird. They nicknamed him Chicken Flower Johnson. Yeah. Johnson. Well, you know, I can appreciate it though.

Yeah. Because, you know, just think of me as a trans eater. You know, I had a life before I transitioned. Right. So I still know my past life. Right. And appreciate it. I can still appreciate it.

I can still root for you and your chicken parm. And I can champion. chicken palms all over the world. Okay. But now I live a different life. Yes, you do. There were a lot of other things in that basket on my counter. There were cookies.

No. There was a cheese log. I'm all about it. I was thinking about bringing you the cheese log. But truth be told, I got it delivered to my house before this trip, and someone should have put it in the fridge and they didn't. Oh, God, yeah. I didn't want to do that to your family.

No. So it was a beautiful intro to New York. You know, then you just spill out, and then you can go to these. My friend Skyler and I went to Papillon, which is this bar. It's all decorated for Christmas. Had a big Guinness. It was really lovely, really nice. But this is all leading up to my going out to New Jersey on that Sunday for the big Papa family party.

And there are 60 people about that are going to be there. I could show you the picture. Did they all show up? Yeah, I think a little more than that. Holy cow. And that's not everybody. In that 900 square foot house? You know, my cousin kept saying how teeny tiny the house was.

It was lovely. It was perfect. It was plenty of room. You know, you take a bunch of Italians. They're not going to get out of the kitchen anyway. Yeah. So that was on Sunday. That was on Sunday.

Oh my gosh. Let me see this group pick. So this is just, this is a portion of what the family. family is now. Incredible. Holy cow. It's a lot of faces. It's a lot of faces.

Do you guys look alike or no? Yeah, there's a... There's like some sort of trait that just... There's a Papa Jean that goes through that looks a lot like me. You guys don't want to diversify at all or... Equity inclusion. You know, that's a big thing right now. Well, we're Italian.

We feel like that's enough. Well, you're Sicilian. No, yeah. I think you fall into... Yeah. That's diverse. We're pretty diverse. Sure.

We're pretty, there's a lot of different shades. I'm one of the whiter versions of the popas there. We did have one, one, one. Look at you. A diversity. There's a diverse guy. There's a diverse guy. We don't want to be racist, but he might play basketball or football.

He was, oh no. And then we have over here. He might not play. We have at least three black people. What? Yeah. So, yeah, there's, there's, you know, this is, you know, this is, we're pretty much as black as white gets

as we're all Sicilian. Yeah. And then we actually have, you know, we've got some diversity in there now. Great. I think there wasn't anyone, I don't think there were any Jewish people there, but love the Jewish people.

Big supporters. What's not to love, right, Joe? That's right. We're so, like, patient and calm. And, you know, Really. Good people to have in your life. Are your daughters in this picture? Yes.

Do you want to see them? Yeah, let's see. That's my mother. Where's your mother? Right there. This is your mother? That lady. She's so cute.

Isn't she cute? She is a cute mom. Like a little chipmunk. She's a really cute mom. Oh, I'm so glad I finally got to see her. Angelina. Oh, I love it. Cute haircut.

Charlotte. Charlotte. Adorbs. Sister. That's your sister? I see it. Nice. I see it.

This is my beloved. Here you are. I'm behind. I don't have a great spot. I'm behind all these people because I'm holding up my Aunt Josephine. Oh. He's normally rolling around in her little wheelchair with her oxygen. She's like 86 or something.

That's my father. Where's your pops? Did you never meet them? I've never met them. That's interesting. He's awesome. Yeah? I would.

Asked him in something. As a what? As an old guy. He has a great old guy look. And there's Brian Kylie. Wow, so everyone was there. So it was a huge crowd. What did we eat?

Is that what you asked? What did we eat? I was going to, but okay. First, there was a really nice, you know, it's so funny because people nowadays, it's trendy for people to be like we're having a nice charcutory board. Would you like a charcutory board? Do you want a charcuttery board? We have this place and they're really great and they put together the

sharkutery board. You know what it is? It's called antipasta. And it's cold. Cheeses, meat, salamis, prosciutto, mortadella, pepperoni, some peppers. All that stuff. It's been done forever.

Now people put a flour on it and some things that don't taste as good and they call it a charcutory board. I mean, people are going crazy. Right? They're going crazy. They're like, well, we're going to make a mermaid out of Kiwis. Yeah, exactly.

None of it is good. So we had these beautiful setups of that. That was great. This was all run by my cousin. And then a big tray of chicken with capers and lightly bread and lemon, beautiful sausage and peppers, a big thing of salad and red wine, white wine, simple, perfect.

The only thing missing was probably pasta. Probably could add some pasta in there. Oh. But it was good. Everybody's excited because this is Tommy Cutlitz time, as we talked about last time. This is the New York Giants. This is Tommy Cutlets. This is Tommy DeVito.

Everybody's very excited by this local Italian kid who lives at home with his mom. And they had it on the big screen TV. Just in the background, no one's, you know, we haven't, this is a big get-together. No one's really, you know, there to watch football. And we watch this poor little Italian kid just get the shit kicked out of him. No. By the New Orleans Saints. No.

They tossed him around like a rag doll. I could tell some of the elders in the family were like, yeah, I remember when this used to happen to us at the dance hall. And they didn't like Italians so much. They just beat them up, like knocked them around. It was really pretty upsetting. What was the final score? 200s negative 6.

Wasn't a good moment. But it kind of lifted the party a little because it wasn't about him. It was about us. That's how I wrote it in my head. Okay. Okay. Yeah. But what a, I mean, still a hero.

Still a hero for a week. He gave us a distraction for a week and a half. That's it. He's no longer your hometown Italian. Really? Yeah, the hype is already going. Fallon imitated his agent on his show, dressed up like the agent. So, you know, if you go from people just finding out about you to Fallon doing you,

Like by time Fallon gets to it It's pretty much it's corny territory already Yeah you know what I mean It's like all right This is now It's already But next a musical Possible musical

Yeah there's a musical for sure What would you call it? Tommy Davido Tommy Cutlets Cutlets Cutlets for you I mean I think it's Tommy's story It's all about Tommy

I could pitch you a million titles for Broadway. I can see it in lights. I like it. It's Tommy's time. Tommy's time. It's Tommy's time. Yeah, this isn't going to make it. Oh, Tourette's. So it was really fun, though. It was really nice. Get that whole family, get-together thing, and

had some good food, some good laughs, see all the old people and all the young people, the new people. It was good. It was a nice time. And then we drove out, my daughter's eye, in this giant SUV, and went up to my parents' house that same night. in what could only be described as the most harrowing driving I've done in my career. Yeah, there's some crazy storms. You guys are having it back there. It was a crazy storm.

Yeah. But it was only 50 degrees, so it just, thank God it wasn't snow. Oh. And my parents, did I describe where my parents live? No. There's this mountain. Like if you go from the city, you go out into like Western Jersey, New York, there's this huge mountain. and you have to drive all these really circuitous, dangerous roads

to get up to the top of this mountain. When you get there, there's another mountain that goes even further, and they live on the top of that one. Why? I don't know. I think my father's done with people. Oh, okay, yeah. You know what I mean?

That's not where you grew up, right? No. No, you grew up in civilization. Civilization near the city, yeah. Yeah. And then they sold it and they moved. a thousand miles into the sky. And if you were in a storm driving,

and there's fog, and it was really, it was intense. And I was driving one car, my father was driving another one. I think we had two other family cars. Everybody got up to my parents' house like an old Turner Classic movie. Like everyone walked in and went, I need a drink. Everybody was just. That's nuts. It was like, have you ever been in fog and then you hit the brights and it becomes just pure white?

Yeah, of course. That happened. And my kids are already on high alert because my vision's not that great anymore, you know, because it's my eye thing. So they're like, if you want me to drive, I'll do it. I was like, purely no machismo, no, I'm good. I'm see fine for the conditions that this is in. And then it got up to this amount. My mother's calling, don't take root.

23. The fog. That's a red light. Tom, you just went through a red light. Don't take 23. There's so much fog. And then I get up around that area and I hit the brights. But it wasn't a lot.

So I figured my eyes, okay. I hit the brights white out and it's a rental. I can't now turn the brights off for some reason. So I'm just literally no idea where to go. This all happened in like six seconds, but it was enough to be a little, frightening. So do you feel like maybe you should be nicer to me that I survived and I'm here?

I'm always nice to you, Tom. This is as nice as I get. So I'm really like, I don't, maybe some people are nicer. I'm at my limit. I'm like a tight pair of jeans that you try to get on after a big Italian meal.

I'm, this is, I'm stressed to the max of niceness. When I finally survived and got to the top, I pulled out baked goods from Rocco's on Bleaker Street. Nice. One of my favorite things to do at Christmas is walk to Rockos. It's this bakery that's been there forever, and I load up in Pinolini cookies and all of this good stuff. And I got it that morning to bring up to the thing. And in typical Italian fashion, we just went from this party I just described to now standing around the counter, the island at my parents' place,

and everyone's just eating sandwiches and cookies and canoles. And just grateful to be alive, yeah. That we were alive. Next day, the storm's still going. We go down to my in-laws, we see them, and we do. You did. Wow, that's great. We crammed all.

Wow. Everything that we would do over like a month of holidays we did in two days. And my daughters, I realized last night on the flight coming in, like, They haven't even been home. They just finished finals. They haven't even been back at it. Like, they just left school and we're just dragging each other around. Are they going to be here in L.A.?

They're here. They're all here. This is it. We've landed. That's great. And we don't have to move. I'm sure your wife is thrilled. She is.

It was very mysterious how she got out of all of this. Good for her. Yeah. I hope she got a massage. I don't think so. Why not? I think she was too tired to get a massage. Oh, no.

All right, she should have called me. I would have dragged her to get a massage. Can I tell you a secret? Yes. And have you talked to her? No. Why would I talk to Cynthia? Because we were at this party and I was talking about, I don't know how it came up,

but we were out in the backyard of this L.A. place. And there was a nice pool and there was like the outdoor, indoor, outdoor. You know, people watch TV now outside in L.A. We have one. Right? You do the whole, it was a den, but now it's an outdoor space. You can sit outside and watch things. And what happens when it rains?

You cover it. It's fine. Yeah? Yeah. That's weird. And we're like, we probably wouldn't do this at our house. And I said, you know what I would like to do is put in a sauna? And I said, you know, maybe just one of those small ones, you can put a couple people.

And she was like, you're the worst. I was like, what do you mean? I'm the worst. She's like, yeah, you're a pain in the ass. I'm like, why? Why would you say that? And I really was like, what did I say that was so wrong? And it turned out, I don't know why she couldn't have lied,

but she said, I'm thinking about that for your Christmas gift. She was going to build you a sauna in three days? I don't know what she was thinking, but I was like, what about, where, what, how? And she's like, I don't know. This is why I thought maybe you spoke to her because I was like, I don't want it just for one person. this little deck she was thinking maybe put it there with one person that seems a little weird and I said what about one of those barrel ones yes I'm like put that out in the back that would be great and uh yeah so I don't know

I might be it on a sauna so you might be very slim similar to this office yourself a sauna can I say something yeah is it getting cooler in here no it's not it's not maybe you're maybe because the You're, you're... Do you feel it, Joe? I mean, I've stabilized somewhat. Maybe we just stabilized. No, I'm... I'm still very warm.

You know, it's weird? I don't see one vent. Where would it come from? What do you mean? Is that a vent? Like, that is, yeah. That is? Yeah.

That's one. Okay. That's it. And there's one right there. And there's one right there. So, yeah, so the sauna possible. That's exciting. I know.

But can I ask a rude question? Aren't you kind of buying yourself a sauna? Well, it's not, you know. Right? I mean, it's hard to buy a gift. It's like, aren't we all Africans? How far back we're going to go? I'm just saying, when you buy your spouse a gift, they're also buying the gift.

But it's the thought. She knows. She's getting the thing. Yeah, she's putting it in action. I love it. I'm excited. I knew you'd be excited. I don't know if it's happening.

we'll see when we get to Christmas. Is she going to put a big bow on it and try to somehow... How is she going to hide it from you? I don't know. That's not something you just put in the hall closet behind some coats. Here's the danger when we kind of lightly spoke about it. It was, well, we should get one of those barrel ones, and then that would go out on the deck back there,

but that deck probably needs reinforcing, so we probably have to redo the deck. I think it might end up like either redoing the entire backyard or moving. I'm never stepping out on your deck. If it can't handle a sauna, how can it handle people? Right. I mean, the sauna is not extra weight. I mean, it's a table that you sit in, right?

You should have essentially weight-wise. You should have 12 people. You could have a dozen people on a deck. Right. So that's scary. Yeah, then it's fine. Okay. It's fine.

You should be okay. Put it on the ground. You ever get presents and you're like, oh, this is great idea, Yeah, but slightly wrong? Of course. All the time. Do you feel bad when you tell your husband that it's slightly wrong? I mean, look, I've tried to do a joke about this on stage.

It never works. I don't know why. I don't like jewelry. I don't like it. I will wear it once in a while. Very rarely. I don't think I've ever seen you in jewels. I don't wear jewelry.

I mean, I have a couple nipple rings, but those don't count. Those are for me. In about 20 more minutes of this podcast, we will find out if you have them on today. No, I just don't like it. I just don't do it. People give me jewelry, which I feel like is such, you know, from their heart, it's kind, they are well-meaning. It's a present that we're told as a society. Give women jewelry.

And I smile and I say, thank you so much. Let me see your hand. This is just the, oh, that's it, just the ring. That's it. I feel awful. That you have a ring from slave labor on you. No. Oh my gosh, that's another bit I used to do.

That's another bit. Should have used it today at that luncheon. Oh, they didn't want any of it. They wanted to focus on their chicken parm. I really do think that was on the menu. It looked like chicken parm. Why is this woman talking while I'm trying to eat? I had a woman asked me once if my diamond was conflict-free.

And I said, ever since I got this thing, it's been nothing but conflict. It's an old joke. It's an old joke. Classic. So yes, I do know what you mean by you get a present. So once in a while, will he get you jewelry? Be like, I just can't think of anything else. Just hear some jewels.

There's no excuse at this point. No, he's known me for way too long. No excuse. Jewelry is a, yeah. But as a man, isn't that kind of fun that I don't want jewelry? No. What? Not at all.

Uh-uh. Because you think, ah, this will shut her up. Is that why? Because you're like, I just stop you're yapping. No, when you're doing the gifts and you're like every once in a while,

I don't do it all the time. But when you need a little something, a little razzle dazzle, something a big ticket item, you can find really nice jewelry and that satisfies it. If you don't, and you're married to this anti-jewlery woman,

you have to, I don't know, start making things, do research. I told you he did buy those big blocks of wood to start. He bought a wood. I told you this. Yes.

And he has not made one bowl. Not one bowl. Here's what you buy me. All right? This is flat for anything. Doesn't matter. Birthday. Hanukkah, a funeral.

What? Salted almonds. Yes. Yes. Let me crack these open right. Don't save him for Christmas. No, no, no. I'm going to have one almond.

What is it? I just want peace and quiet. That's the big ticket item. Mike asked me, well, what do you want for? I already got his gifts. So kidnap the children. Just go somewhere else. How do you wrap that up in a gift?

Just say, we're leaving for the day. Yay! Remember on Christmas when I didn't give you anything? Yes, but I left. Here's the gift. But I left you alone. The thing is, Lexus can't do a commercial like that with a big bow. You can't put a bow on silence.

I can't. Speaking of silence, is this good, Joe, for the sound? Yeah, it sounds great. Here we go. That's great. Perfect. That's a good nut. Oh, my God.

It's like Jesus in my mouth. Yeah. Merry Christmas. Thank you. You're welcome. That was amazing. If I, yeah, if you can't do jewelry, Yeah, it's a bit of a pain.

What would you want, Cynthia, to get you? A sauna. Okay, boom. I would be happy with a sauna. Do you need gas for the sauna? Yes, yes. You got to run gas. Well, what kind is she getting?

Infrared. Like, we have gas for the heater. Yeah. For the pool. Mm-hmm. Oh, infrared is... It needs its own line. Infrared needs its own line.

No, infrared does not. Infrared just... My daughter was saying that infrared is better than the other sauna. Well, your daughter has some great qualities. Uh-oh. And this is not one of them. Oh, boy. You don't agree.

I do not agree. You want the old, the old-timey one. Absolutely. Okay. It's fine. If you got infrared, that's okay, too. Yeah. If you want to be sub-par.

I'm really excited to eliminate all of my working out by just sitting in a hot box. Perfect. You can do it. Which is also known as doing our podcast. Hey-oh. It's insane. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

You don't smell. Mm. You're just used to it. Is that what's happened? Yeah. Yeah. Excuse me. So it was a wonderful trip.

Good. It was really nice. The kids are back now and I really, I don't have a flight until I go do Charlotte, North Carolina on like January 13th. That's lovely. It's the longest, I think I've been home in 17 years. And when do your kids fly back to school? to be determined Are they not going back?

Are they not going back? They may not go back. Good for them. They may not go back. You may not go back. It might be. You can make seven figures on TikTok. Who needs school? It really should get on it.

So I have the big Christmas Eve dinner that I've got to plan. I feel a little behind, but I feel like after today I'll be able to dial in and get it going. And this is the seven fish. These are the seven fish. Okay. Okay. The seven fish. You want to know what they are?

Can I guess? From memory. Can I guess? Yes. Talapia. No. Dang it. I hate tilapia.

One of them has to be a sea bass. Possible sea bass. Okay. I'll say yes. I'll give you that one. Okay. Because you usually do one, I do, one like whole fish. Sure.

And sea bass is a lot of times the guy. Swordfish. I just said one fish. You're not doing seven fishes? I am doing seven fish. Okay. Shark. No.

Oh. I'm all out. You're going the wrong way. One of the favorites. Calamari salad. Oh. Old calamari salad. Okay.

Kalamari. Yeah. Oil and vinegar. A lot of garlic. Mm. celery chopped up even with the flour parts of it great

salt and pepper lots of lemon in the fridge do it in the head do it the day ahead gorgeous I'm eating that easily you can eat that

easily maybe you should come over I should come over what are you doing Christmas Eve we usually frantically wrap everything like absolute lunatics but we can come over? You can come by. With the kids? You don't want all that. It would be fun. They would love your dogs. They would love the train. What about the train set? What do you mean train? What do you mean? What do I mean?

You have a train? What? Are you going to have your sauna built on Christmas Eve or not? Joe, are you shocked at how little Kira knows about me? Yeah, I actually am. It seems like you guys just met for the first time. You do trains? Joe saw it this afternoon. It's not just a train, Kira. It's a village. Oh, no. Who are you? Well, some people call me Tom, some people call me Mr. Christmas. You give a hat? No. Oh, God.

That would be weird. This isn't up year-round replaced valuable real estate. It's under the tree. Okay. You know. Okay, that's fine then. It's under the tree. I thought it like went through your house.

Oh. Like Fred Rogers style. Ding, ding. And it comes around into the tree. the kitchen. Boop, boop. Oh, hello, Mr. Train. Oh, sure.

Here's some milk. No. No. Your kids would like it. I'm sure they would. Probably ruin it, but. They're not like toddlers. That one Nerf kid, the guy who shoots people with Nerf guns.

Listen, I have a story for you after this. I'll tell you about that kid. All right. Oh, my God. Well, you know what? That's a perfect segue into wild grains. This episode of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa is brought to by Wild Green, the first ever bake from frozen subscription box for sourdough breads, fresh pastas, and artisanal pastries.

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you know the next day you're feeding the starter you have a couple days I've got to feed the starter then I'll feed again tonight then tomorrow maybe I'll start mixing and then overnight again Once it's all mixed together, so I'll have bread on like the second or third day. These people at Wildgrain have figured out, if we do all of that work for you

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That's quessons. Oh, God, what a show off. I know. In every box, when you go to wildgreen.com slash papa to start your subscription. You heard me. Free, Joe. Cuisance. In every box.

And $30 off your first box when you go to wildgrain.com slash papa. That's wildgrain.com slash papa. Or you can just use the promo code, Papa at checkout. Great company. They really figured out how to do this bread thing and pasta thing and cookies. Another easy fish thing. Okay. Which you can't eat.

I should be invited. Come. I have to bring the people that I made and that I'm legally. You need young people around. We'll talk off air. You really should come. I really mean it. We're going to have this one family.

We're going to have my nephew and his girlfriend and mother and another straggler. You guys would be perfect balance. Okay. Oh, no. It would be really good. All right. So what else do you have? Cocktails, lasagnas.

You can't eat that, but maybe your kids, we can sneak some to your kids in the other room. How dare you? How dare you? How about peppers, green peppers, not big bell peppers, not real spicy peppers, but their peppers kind of cuts into about an inch long, stuffed with anchovy.

Holy cow. Put into oil and marinated. And then you take them out and just pop, pop, pop, pop. Can I have, can I have, can, Have just the anchovy? You can. Okay. You're going to hate having me as a guest.

I know. We also have shrimp cocktail. Done. Right? Easy, easy, peasy. Locks. What? Yep.

Capers. Yes. Eggs. Most people put it on like a piece of bread or a cracker. You'll just lick it off your hand, like a kitten. Mm-hmm. Just put it in a little doggy bowl and I'll just get down on all fours. And tr, tr, chab, chum, chum, trm, tom.

And what are we up to there, Joe, about six? Yeah, five or six. Oh. Told you that'd be math. This one's really good, which you can. I don't know if you could have this. This is a crab dip. Okay.

Lump crab meat. Yeah. Oysters. Worcesters sauce. Okay. I feel like I added one more sure in that. Some spices. Oysters, crab, mayonnaise.

Okay. That's not bad. Baked. Yes. So there's no breading in it? No breading in it. Make one just for me. People will scoop it out and put it on a little piece of bread or cracker.

Yes. You could put it, you could wrap it in locks and just eat that. I'll dip a shrimp in it. So I think that's seven. That's pretty much seven. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah, it's pretty good.

Wow. And then for the people that aren't into the kitchy. fish thing. We also make a veggie lasagna and a meat lasagna and a salad. So people have that option. Incredible. I know. That's what I'm saying. Wow. I invited Joe, but he is a baby and it goes to bed at three in the afternoon. What? Yep. No. Not three. But the baby. And they wonder why he doesn't make it through the night. I'm sure. Between six and seven sometimes. And then how long's a baby sleep? He usually make it to around 6th the next morning.

See? Joe just puts a little bit of brandy on his gums. Oh, it takes more than a little. That sounds great. It sounds really fun. Yeah. If you don't have a Christmas Eve celebration or something like the tradition that you're into, we would love to have you. This is the tradition every year.

Okay. If you still believe in Santa, please fast forward. I do. My husband and I, you think you're sweating in this room. We leave everything till the last minute. I don't know why. It's a sickness. It's a disease.

I have no idea why we cannot just be prepared. Yeah. And I figured it out this year, finally. It's because the kids are in the house with us for weeks. Yes. Because they're on break. Of course. And so that's why we, and to do it last minute,

I mean, to do it right when they're in bed, we're also like, I have shows at night, we get tired, my husband wants to watch a movie, whatever. So all bad excuses. All bad excuses. And then the night before on the 24th, we panic. When I tell you, I want to set up a camera this time so you can see where we're like,

we're out of tape. You said you got some. Like we're screaming at each other. And like this wrapping paper is this. And what about bows? And stickers. We did stickers. And we're just losing our minds.

And then we go downstairs and we put them under the tree. And then, you know, but then also worried one time we had a kid wake up and walk right in on us. Yeah. Yeah. And we just stood there. And luckily she was young and she also sleepwalks so she doesn't really know where she is. Thank goodness. Because she just walked in, I'm thirsty.

And we just, we're just caught, like just surrounded by presence and. scissors and wrapping paper and we're like oh okay come on yeah let me walk you we'll get some water so that's all that's our tradition but maybe we need to break it and be prepared yeah if you know you're going out if we know we're going out and we got it'd be really fun you meet some good people we'll have fun yeah that would be great all right who knows maybe joe come by early joe come on bring your screaming baby toddler what do you have 10 month old he also has italian in-laws. So what happens on your Christmas Eve?

You know, she is all about Christmas Eve. This is new for me for that to be an important day. I didn't. Thank you. There was an Instagram that said, you know you're Italian if you celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. That's a complete new information for me. Yeah.

Yeah, the lasagna's big too. She loves that. And then she has this weird Christmas morning bagel tradition. It's just me, my wife and her, and I asked how many bagels she ordered? 24. Oh, that sounds great. That means you're getting extras.

It means you're getting extras in late nights. That's what she said. You could freeze these. You can. You can. 18 bagels. Or you need to bring some bagels over to Tom's. Yeah, that would be nice.

Okay. So it'll be a really good time. We used to do the same panic thing, and my wife would do all of the wrapping. Yeah. I would do some of the carrying, the pulling down from secret places. and all that kind of stuff. And because we did New York and L.A. for so long, we would have to get Christmas situated for when we got back.

So we knew that Santa had dropped all the gifts off in L.A. When we come back from New York. Oh. So when we walk into the house from the airport, Santa will have dropped all of the gifts. How did you make that happen? Christmas magic. Wow.

And then it would be a lot of shipping to New York. And then when we would get there and that Christmas Eve thing of, We just put my wife in an office, and she'd be up there just wrapping like crazy for the next day. We were there. It was completely insanity. Yeah. And here's a little life marker. I'm on this trip with the girls.

We're back east. I think, oh, my God, I'm doing it by myself. Because then you get presents, and then you've got to ship them back. You've got to ship them back home. and then it's a whole thing of all the stuff that you get in New York from all the grandparents. So I'm thinking, well, I'll be smart about it. I'll bring my suitcase. I'll bring an extra suitcase.

I'll check a bag. Don't worry about how I'll carry on and this big empty suitcase. I'll load all the gifts in the suitcase and just bring them back with me. Easy peasy. We're not in that phase anymore. There were no giant toys. No. They got money.

They got money. Someone put $100. A hundred bucks in their pocket. Literally what happened. Their grandmother literally slipped her a 50. Yeah. And maybe a sweater and they just put it in their own bag. I'm walking around with a suitcase filled with nothing on the way back.

I'm like, oh, we don't have little children anymore. No, no. You don't have to put a Barbie dream house in your overhead. No. That is a perk, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. It was pretty nice.

You know, I don't want any more toys in our house. And I know, look, I know I sound like a nightmare. I get it, I get it. I understand people watching and listening because it's like, no bread, no sugar, no toys. No candy. I want to give them. You literally could take everything that you have and put it in a song to somber music. And you could be the Christmas villain.

I'm so sorry. There'll be no more fudgies. There'll be no more twisies. There'll be no more toys that make a noise. It's Keira's night. My point is. I want to get them experiences. It's Keira's night.

Put that Barbie down. I want to give them experiences. Oh, boy. No? You don't believe in experiences? I do, but I feel like it's a bit of a fad for people who don't know how to shop. Okay. When I was a boy.

I'll get them jewelry. Are you happy? I had a couple times when I was a bit of a fad for people. a child and forgot to get a present for somebody, like a mom or a sister or maybe even an early dating situation, you're like, oh, shit, the day's tomorrow. And I remember distinctly saying, I got you a subscription. No. To Bob.

And I put the Vogue subscription thing and say it's coming and then do the even worse, never follow through a subscription. And they didn't get it. I feel like that's what experiences are. in the same thing. Okay. A subscription to Vogue is a horrible present. Horrible. I know, but it's in this.

I'm not trying to say it's good in any regard, but I am saying that the experience, rather than I'm getting you a gift and I found it and I wrapped it and here you go, the experience is a little bit in that same vein. It's like I couldn't put the effort in, so I looked on the internet and they have zip lining in Burbank. Okay, so you're saying me giving my dad an experience last year, which I did, tickets to Andrea Buccelli. Really close. Like you could smell what he had for lunch.

Like you could smell it on his breath. Like beautiful seats. Yeah. You're saying that was like as horrible as a subscription to Vogue? Bacheli's overrated. Okay. You know what? Who gets their villain song now?

Now I hear you Joe you know what I mean It's a little fatty Well I didn't know it was a faddy I love that we have one tiny piece of cloth That's just literally Making it so we can't see Joe Well and also I love that

The way his chair is pushed out It looks so phallic It does Not now, he moved But for the longest time Yes it was that It was like this little pokey penis The whole time

Like Well four ounce doesn't have that going for him. This is some final episode. I thought Joe was just excited about all of our Christmas talk that his penis was poking through. I think my landlord moved to the Bahamas. Oh, God, I have sweat through these, this entire thing. No, I don't want, I don't, I can't stay.

I mean, of course I bought them toys, of course. Yeah. Because I'm a sucker. But I'm trying to taper off of just like another little plastic thing that goes, beep, pop, beep, bo, pop, beep, you know, just one less. thing that makes a noise and is plastic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're going to have a gift.

They're going to, you know, last year it was, it was, it was Magic Castle, was one of their Christmas gifts. That's good. The other one was Disneyland. Do they not, do they understand and, or do they miss opening up a thing? Okay, they opened it and we made a big deal out of it. Listen, I have been reading so many goddamn parenting books. This is what all of them say.

Did it work? Your kids will not remember the toys you gave them. They'll remember the memories you made with them. This is a really great toy that hangs around. Unless you really nailed it. So we're going to take them one of your Christmas presents is skiing. They've never been skiing. Never.

We're taking them skiing. That's great. That's a fun experience, right? That is fun. We're going to a fancy schmancy place in Lake Tahoe. Oh, beautiful. And we're going to get them lessons and all the stuff and all the boots and the straps and the things. So you'd give them like a little hat and mittens.

I'd be like, this is something bigger. All right. I'm not saying like that's a nice way to do it. Yes. Here's a little hat and scarf. Why? Never to get you anything. I'll see you Christmas Eve.

I would love to keep going, but I think I've lost 20 pounds of body weight just all. all fluid. If you haven't heard Joe in a while, it's because he's passed out at the controls. I think this might be four ounces doing. I can see him trying to sabotage. I think he sabotages us. He's like,

I can't believe I'm going away and you're still going to do the podcast without me. Yeah, without me. So this just kickstarted my menopause for sure. Well, we just want to wish all of our listeners a very happy holidays of Merry Christmas and a happy new year. It's been great.

growing the community and sharing with all of you. We have a lot of big things planned for next year if we survive the next 20 minutes here getting out. A lot of special guests. We have a lot of things to announce. But this is it for the year. I think the biggest thing was Kira, you coming along and doing all the shows to the end. We couldn't have done it without you.

If Joey was here, we wouldn't have done it. Today? Yeah. Oh, so I'm to blame? If I'm not around. No, if you aren't around. Gotcha. I'm sorry.

I'm starting to confuse thoughts because I, my neck is so wet. Everybody, thank you so much for listening. Thank you to Wildgrain. Go to Wildgrain.com. Look up all of their good stuff. Joe, thanks for filling in. I'm sorry. Thanks for having me.

These conditions were so arduous, but you're always a pro. Yeah, I lost a few pounds. I feel great. Yeah, I think we're going to all feel pretty good. Thanks for your saltiness. Thank you for showing us your boobs and enjoy that candy cane. We'll see you all next year. Got it, Joe.