Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 188 - New Year Same Us

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

Breaking Bread for the new year.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Welcome everybody to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I'm Tom Papa here with my good pal, Kiras, Altanavetch. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Now I know people are outraged and people are up in arms because this is coming out on January 4th. We're a couple days. They're supposed to, Tuesday, everyone was yelling, your show comes out on Tuesday.

Why aren't you? What would happen? You know what? It's the holidays. And my garbage man didn't show up in the day he's supposed to. That's right. Yes. He showed up a day after.

And we are coming in a day after. I wasn't going to leave my couch to do anything. I had the tree on, the lights on, the cookies, the kids, the whole thing. The train. Can't wait to talk about the train. So we're sorry that we're delayed by a day, but we're here.

We could have just taken off like a lot of podcasts and not give you anything this week, but we're also bored. And we've been home and the couch with the tree and the kids, and it was time to get the hell out of there. 100%. Right? And I missed you.

I missed you too. Yeah, I wanted to chat. We have so much going on. We have big, big happenings here. This is the last time you will see us in this environment. That's pretty huge. We have a whole new set for 2024. We have a lot at play.

We've got people behind the scenes working diligently. One thing that hasn't changed is four ounce. Our pal Joey is sick again. Joey! He has another cold. This one went from his chest and throat into his nose. Why didn't you call me? I know.

I've been taking the supplements. I think they help. Which ones are you taking? It doesn't sound like it helped at all. The name sort of allude me at this point. They were the threesome that you had recommended. That sounds like a euphemism for I went out and I did the threesome, weed, coke, and alcohol. That's what threesome.

You know what? Sorry to throw you under the bus, but he did tie in his regimen and his illness and his health to a dry January that was proposed by one of his friends. I'm doing a dry January. Yeah. So it obviously is part of the concern of why he's sick all the time. I think what we don't realize is our pal Joey parties a lot more than we think. Oh, I already knew that. You knew that?

Oh, yeah. You know. I didn't know that. Oh, God. I mean, it was a little suspicious on the road when he, as soon as his duties are done in the beginning of the show, I think he's the only reason we have beer in our rider. Listen, you can't have that kind of speedy metabolism without, you know, a little bit of some recreational. Yeah, something, a little recreational, you know, some drugs.

Well, we don't like you being sick, and I hope the dry January helps you. Thank you. Thank you to all our listeners. a lot to get through. We've got a lot of guests coming up in the next coming shows. We've got Lewis Black is going to come in the studio. We have a lot of things happening. And in that, in preparation for that, it just felt like New Year, New Us. Yeah. I don't like New Year, New Me. It's a facelift. But New Year, New Us. It's a pod lift. It's a pod lift. We've got a lot of stuff that we're going to be presenting over the next couple of shows. And I think it's going to be a lot more enjoyable,

a lot more fun and I'm very excited to get to it. I don't like the New Year, New Me. Do you have any resolutions? No. I just was on a podcast the other day and they asked, what's your New Year's resolution? And I don't do them on purpose. Because.

Because how can you possibly even, you know, a couple of years ago I was asked to write for Wanda Sykes. How could I even have put that in a New Year's resolution? Like my resolution is to write for one of the best comics out there. Right. You know what I mean? You can't really, it's like guessing. It's too much guesswork.

I can say I want to be a better version of myself than last year. How about that? Right. Yes, I was going to say you could, you could. One is manifesting and coming up with things I want to achieve. Right. But resolutions are a little bit more of what disgusting behaviors do I have I should stop doing.

Yeah. Should I run more? Should I eat less cheese? One of my best resolutions ever was fewer potatoes. Interesting. And it really was a good one because it was very focused. It was very easy to accomplish. And it was healthy because no more chips.

But how long did that last? How long? I did well for that year. Okay. I've since corrected my ways and I'm back to potatoes. I think it's a, I think those kind of like really specific resolutions can be helpful. Yeah.

I'm not into it either this year, truth be told. It feels like you're setting yourself up to get mad at yourself later. Do you know what I mean? If it's something serious, like no more hookers. Yes. Great. I think you should definitely try. Did you hear that, Joey?

No more hookers. That's for February. Are you? Singer, I love it. Joey asked me to come see him do stand-up. What? I'm unfortunately out of town. But I look forward to a VHS.

You know what I love. Of the stand-up when you're done. You know what I love about you? Is that when you said, unfortunately, you really were able to fight the little laugh that you had going. I could see it in the corner of your... I would go watch him. You would?

I'm making... Here's my resolution. All right. Here we go. New Year's resolution. If I'm in town and Joey text me and says I have a set tonight, here's the address, I will go. You will? 100%.

How's that for... That's awfully kind. Yes, that's my resolution. I'll have to go to you too. No, Joe. Come on. Don't do all that. Don't do all that.

All right. Don't ruin a beautiful moment. I suppose I have already, but yeah, you know. Just to be clear, my not going to be. see you has nothing to do with you as a person it really like just you saying if he's performing i'm going to go see in my mind i'm like i don't want to go anywhere if i'm in town and i have absolutely nothing going on you're going to put your shoes on yes start the car yeah and drive yes to go see good for you well there's going to be a certain mile radius maybe my new year's resolution should be

to start cocaine. Because that seems to be the only thing that's going to get me enough energy to go out and do that kind of thing. You're going to come with me. I'm going to drag you out. We're going to do it. Yes.

Oh, I don't think that is. Just for the story. Won't that ruin your set if you see the two of us walk in? No, it'd be a blast. Really? Because you'll be drunk. He'll be blasted. He'll be blasted, I think, is what he meant.

Yeah. No, I think I'd get like a little bit of the energy of the people I work with, seeing me do my thing. I think that'd be fun. But just him saying doing my thing makes me not want to go. I'm going to offer Joey a Zoom with me. Oh, see, this is, I knew this was really what's behind it. I'm going to offer you a Zoom. Free Zoom, Joey.

For our listeners, Kira is very good at taking people who want to be funny. They're either marginally funny. Sometimes they're not funny at all. And she can make them funny. You're a great writer. and she takes people doctors, uh, auto mechanics, moms. And they, and they, and you really enjoy that. I like it. It's like a puzzle.

Yeah. It's like a little like just a little therapy session with jokes. Mm-hmm. I did it recently for a comic. I won't name him. He'd shot his special and I told him, I cannot do this with a week's note. Like we have to do this for months. But he gave me like a week.

He's like, hey, you want to punch these up? I'm shooting a special. next week and I was like absolutely not but I gave him I gave him one session he was like this was the best therapy I've ever had therapy because we're digging for jokes so I don't know anything about you right I can't just write you a joke about like oh how's wine you know in your life so we I go tell me about what did your dad do what did your mom do what are your siblings like what was your relationship like before he's taping I told him it's this is this is this is just yeah yeah

But he was like, this was some of the best therapy because we dug down deep into like his family and relationships and everything, girlfriends and all of it. Is he funny? Very. And he's been doing this for years. So I don't think he needed me. I think he just. Does it rhyme with Dave Chappelle? No.

I might get canceled. Why? Because I was on a podcast the other day. And I said I didn't really enjoy it too much, this last one, Dreamers. Dreamers? It's fine. Yeah. But he's supposed to be the greatest.

Are you trying to get yourself canceled again? Oh, my God, I know. In case the first one didn't take hold. Joey, cut that one out. Cut that out. Now, keep it in. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I enjoy him.

I think he's an amazing entertainer. Of the greatest of all times. I've sat as an audience member and watched him when he drops in, do two hours, and I've just sat there. It's like a master class. Yeah. But did you watch it? Mm-mm.

Okay. Did anyone hear him watch it? Can I tell you what the article said? Yeah. Are you interested? Yes. The article said that the, basically that Dave is lately making points more than jokes. I think Carlin did that too.

Kind of the silly, funny, Dave. They were kind of craving. Killiam softly, Dave. I don't know. I didn't see it. I would love, oh, you didn't see Kim. No, I mean of this special. So that's like his first, I believe, his first big special.

There are some great stories. There are some great. It was like a podcast with an audience. You know, when you do a podcast, you aim to like throw jokes in and, you know, crack the hosts up or whatever, right? We do like. Is that what we should be doing right now? Joey had a zinger. Joey said that was February for no cocaine.

But I love Dave Chappelle, but I wish I was yearning for more. left, I was left wanting. Are you going to make fart noises the whole time, Joe? Wanting what? To laugh more? To laugh more. That's kind of what that article was saying. Yeah.

They want more of the, you know, the silly jokes. He's a great storyteller. He's captivating. Of course, charismatic. He's also put out, this is his 15th special in three years. In two weeks. Right? Yeah.

It's a lot there. Gary Goldman's was really good. Very good. That was really. And I love to watch. comedy specials you do i really do yeah i'll watch i'll not watch them i'll listen to them like a podcast as i'm driving i have an hour drive to do a gig in orange county i'll throw on a pot a podcast a comedy special a special yeah that's nice maybe that'll be my new year's resolution listen to more podcasts

stand-up specials it's great it is great i love throwing on serious xm and just hearing not all the time, but once in a while just to hear different comics and different things. But enough with them. We don't like them as much as us. Here's the reason that we end up with this New Year's resolution thing is because

we go through the holidays and you come in thinking I'm just going to behave and it's not whatever. And the momentum of the Christmas time through New Year's really builds and you start eating and drinking and

sleeping and going, by the end of it, you're pretty wrecked. Everyone's pretty wrecked. And you feel like I have to go on a run. I have to start cleaning up my life. It's just every year is the same. As much as you think like you're going to keep it dialed in, it doesn't happen. And you're just eating tons of stuff. Now you came on the biggest day of eating stuff in my house.

You came to Christmas Eve. So delicious. It was pretty good. You really outdid yourself. When you walk in, were you like, wow, Tom really knows what he's doing or, oh, my God, look at my friend's struggling. No, here's what I love the most is you have, you know, there's like the host sometimes will, you know, be keeping their eye on something boiling and then something's in the oven, you hear a ding,

but then the guest comes in and like you were perfectly, you know, just at every moment, oh, you need a cup. Like you heard someone say I need a cup and you run over with a cup. up it. And then you had the dish towel over your shoulder. Amazing. I couldn't even cast it any better because you're walking around with a dish towel. You're taking something out. You're wiping your hands on the towel. You're flipping it to this shoulder. You're carrying a thing over to the table. I mean, it was perfectly cast. I like to hear that. Four lasagnas. Four.

Insane. Insane. And which, by the way, at the end of it, we had pretty much two lasanias left. and we were so full over the next week, we couldn't, I should have, I should have froze them. Yeah. I ended up throwing away essentially an entire lasagna and just watching that go into the garbage, the layers of meat and cheese and pasta, like all the work, it's a, it's a full day's work, watching that go into the garbage. Why don't you give it to someone in a plastic bag in a zip lock?

I know, right, exactly. I know. Yeah. Last year, people did go home with more stuff. stuff. Yeah. Be honest. But you brought your family, yes.

Be honest. Okay. I know you tried some of the gluten-free goodies that I brought. A lot of your guests like them. I know you didn't like the facacha bread. Yeah. You said it ended weird. You were chewing it.

You're like, oh, oh. And then your face went, mm, it ended weird. My kids loved it. Loved. The faca bread. Yeah. Because they had something, a bread to like dip. dip stuff.

Yeah. But did you try any of the, like, pastries? Yeah. Oh. But your wife, I think your wife did. I think Cynthia did. Yeah, she might have. Yeah.

There was so much stuff around. There was a lot. I actually, I didn't try not to eat it. I just lost track of it. Yeah. There was a lot of stuff. I brought this Panatone to the set because this is the classic Italian breads that you always see. And they always come in these beautiful boxes.

Yes. I've made one before, and it's a lot of work for something that people don't want to eat. But it's such a beautiful thing. I figured, we'll keep it here, and then we'll eat it one day, or you'll watch me eat it. Well, Russians have, you know, I don't know what you call it. They've stolen that idea. They bring those to parties. Yes.

The same thing, Panatom? Yes. Literally, yeah. Because I remember as a kid. It's a beautiful gift. It's a great party, you know. And they're a lot better. Like, I don't know why, once you open it up and heat it up, and it's pretty delicious.

It's raisin bread. Let's just say what it is. It's raisin bread. Appropriated. That's the word I wanted to use. Soviets have appropriated because they, I, we brought those to parties. That's good. Yeah.

Your family was a delight. Are you sure? They were so nice. Let's just be honest. And I hate to do this to you, but you're going to be invited again and again. Because it's so nice to have kids around. Well, they are just at the age where they're not going to break anything in your house, but maybe break their bones in your house.

My kids were running like lunatics down your hallway. We have this giant beanbag. Massive. This lovesack thing, which is a beanbag that never loses shape. You can beat it up and it comes back to form. And it's about five feet tall. And Cynthia, you know, I have to say, she told them it's okay to beat it up. Yes.

So they started punching it and kicking it and abusing it. And here I am going, guys, we're guests in a house. Let's be respectful of their furniture. Cynthia told us to kick it. And she walked by in that moment. I did. And I kept walking. So they're like jumping on it.

They were running down the long hallway. Oh, my gosh. But as a kid, it really brought back memories of being a kid. because you're at this stranger's house, you kind of know them, you kind of don't, and you're wondering, like, is this going to be a drag or not? And then you are quietly surprised

that they're letting you run down a hall and jump through the air into this giant beanbag. Like, that's going to be, whatever happens the rest of the night, that's going to be a good memory on your way home. Like, that's, we won. We went to a stranger's house, and we got to do something we're not even allowed to do in our own house.

This is pretty great. And my daughter went to third base with Frank. Why do you have to keep saying that? Because that's what she's about. She gets so intimate. At one point, she said to me, where are the dogs? I said, I'm not sure. She said, I only showed up for the cookies and the dog.

That's true. She's not lying. That's really what I just kept pushing. I was like, there's going to be dogs. She's like, fine, I'm in. They were so cute. They were great. The funniest part about running down the hallway and diving into the beam bag is I have a slow motion video on my phone of your son who is 12.

13. 13, just turned 13, running down the hallway, lifting off too early. And basically just his face hit the beam bag. Thank God. The rest of his body just flat on the floor. We were dying. Funniest moment. And the good, good on him that he was able to laugh at himself.

and he didn't have like a moment that some adults might have, which is like turn around and be pissed off and like everyone's laughing. Embarrassed. He was cracking up laughing. And then the two younger kids, am I allowed to talk about the celebrity that was at your house? Sure.

The two, so Bill Burr's daughter and my daughter are now mimicking him, like mocking him. Mocking his jump. And doing it over and over again. They kept running and almost missing. And just their heads would make the beat. And they're laughing. and we're all just laughing, but he was a great sport, but that was, I was cackling.

So funny. Yeah, you were really laughing hard. There was the biggest laugh of the night, I think. Yeah. But, you know, I hate to compliment you, but your children are a delight and so personable. Why do you hate to compliment me? I don't know. Because you like to say I'm a bad mom. They are. They really. I mean, it's so polite. And your son was like, on his way out was like, Is he running for office? He was like on his way out.

Like it was to other children saying it was a pleasure meeting you. I hope that we can, I can see you again at a party soon. And it really was a joy meeting you. And then I was like, who is this kid? He really is. He is that guy. Look, I tell him all the time. Yesterday they had their yearly pediatric visit.

Just, you know, you go in, just check everything. The pediatrician is looking at him and he's like, I need you to make a video. I'm going to put on my website to inspire other kids. What? I know. Because we're sitting there talking and one of the questions now isn't just like, oh, how are you growing and your eye test and a hearing test? It was how much time do you spend on electronics?

That's one of the, that's new. You know that's new, right? And when your kids were 12 and 13, they weren't asked that. No. And we sat. We know it was a problem. Yeah. We sat and we talked about it.

And he goes, well, you know, my mom has told me the good and the bad about sitting on my, like, Nintendo, whatever, the switch, the thing, the computer. He goes, I don't have any social media on my phone. And I feel I'm better off for it. And the pediatrician was like, you're lying right now. And I'm just sitting there and I was like, I'm a mean mom. and here's the result of me being a mean mom. And my son was even like kind of like what you're saying, like running for office. He's like, I see what you're doing.

You're not a mean mom. I see it now. I can tell the difference between myself and my friends. And he's not wrong. So I guess the lesson that we want our listeners to come away with is if you take away social media from your children, they will turn into 40-year-olds by 14. Basically. They'll be ready.

They'll be campaigning. before they get into high school. I was literally talking about this on an interview I was doing for my shows in Charlotte, North Carolina, which will be on the 12th. And they said, what are you thinking about, what are you seeing, what's on your mind when you're going into your stand-up or just what's on your mind when you're traveling around and what have you. And my biggest, it just kind of came out, but my biggest, my biggest, my biggest, my biggest

concern is that we're all walking around when things are not that bad. Like we've got some big things like the climate and the election and we have some big things. But there's the economy is actually doing really well. There's disparity, but there's even, if you look at all of the numbers from top down, we're doing really well. We're solving all of these problems with medical concerns and even poverty. Even in L.A., we're coming back from the pandemic in a pretty admirable way as a city, as a country.

There's a lot of positive things happening. And when you go around, you talk to people, and they're kind of feeling like those things are okay. But there's this haze of worry that everybody carries. And it is because we are the first human beings to be inundated with horrible news on these magical trouble devices. And it really is having an effect not just on our kids, but on us. We're all walking around, like, waiting for what's the next big, bad thing. And when it happens, it will have confirmed. But there's no reason to wake up worried and horrible.

And the time, and I found myself before this interview, feeling okay. it today and being outside with my dumb dog and I'm out looking at a lemon tree and I'm just staring at it and it had just rained here in L.A. and the sky was blue and everything was fresh from it being rained on and I just felt okay and I clocked. I haven't looked at my phone yet. I left my phone on my end table and I came up and I had a cup like an hour and a half before I took the dogs out and felt great literally because I have not picked up my phone. phone so your son what you've done for your son is remarkable can we do it can you do it for me well you know here's what I also tell him if you see me

looking at my phone you know you can tell me hey I don't want you looking at your phone right now I'm sitting next to you and I want to you know tell me because sometimes I have to unfortunately if you get a text and someone says hey can you come do a gig or whatever. Like, I need to be able to quickly respond. So sometimes I have to. We are tied to our phones with emails and social media, all that. But I'm now telling him at his age, you're allowed to say to me, hey, I need you to

unplug. Yeah. And it's funny, you said lemon treat. There's this guy that I ran across on Instagram where he said, if you feel overwhelmed sometimes, take a lemon or an apple and just look at it. Don't look at anything else. Isn't that crazy? He's had lemon tree.

And look at the skin and look at how the ridges and look at the thing. And really look at the color and just focus on that and it'll calm down any kind of anxiety you might be having. Right. I thought that was so interesting to just focus on something. It could be a pine cone. No, there is something to it. I mean, I pass that dumb lemon tree every day, and I kind of glance at it.

But for some reason, the dog was sniffing for an hour and a half in this one spot. She was really into it. And I just found myself, you know, staring at it. And, yeah, this normal feeling kind of came over me. One thing that my daughter, that you told my daughter to do, she, unlike Joey, really looks for you to help her when she has a cold. And you gave her a lot of your whole food treatments. She couldn't pull the trigger on your advice to, she has a cough and it's got, you said cut up an onion and leave it in your room while I'm sleeping.

She couldn't do that. As a teenage girl, she's like, self-conscious enough about smelling weird, probably. It's not like, I didn't say rub it all over your face. It's a big ask. What? An onion? Onion? In your room?

All right. And then your potential boyfriend's going to come over the next day and be like, ooh. Well, throw it away in the morning. Well, I bet it lingers. It doesn't linger. You might smell like a little bit like a soup. But who, come on. I know.

It was a lot to ask. But she felt better. She looked great when I saw her. That was a couple days later. Both your daughters are like so gorgeous. Because they listen to your advice. Yeah. I listened to.

In fact, when my brother visited the last time, he was a little under the weather. I was like, oh, Kira has these supplements. And he, Tom knows my brother, a little bit of a macho guy. He was like, I don't believe in that. Takes all of them. So he was, yeah. I'm going to ask you, don't say Kira has these supplements. It makes me sound like I'm in some sort of multi-level marketing group and I'm selling you my supplements.

That's actually, that's how all these horrible people make a lot of money. Yeah. Selling supplements. Sounds very Amway-ish. Yeah. Very liver king. But you know what? tonight, Joey, onion down your pants.

The front, not the back. You understand me? I want an onion down your pants. Yes, ma'am. You know what? Actually, I'm a little pissed off right now. Front and back. Front and back.

Got it, buddy? Two onions or one onion split in half? Let's do two since you spoke to me rudely right now. Okay. See, you got a little glance at my mothering. You're really going to see him do stand-up this week? Yes. No, not this week.

I'm out of town this week. Oh, okay. That's when he invited me. Your gluten-free bread products were a nice gesture. They were. I gave you a nice gesture in having a lot of meats just hanging around. I'm scared to admit this. I had three of your sausages.

You did. Your sausages are amazing. Those are good, right? Spicy. So good. Those are for the meat eaters going for the lasagna. They were in a red sauce. Yes.

Delicious. Did you see the T-ring that I made? Did you see that? What? For Christmas morning for my wife, because she grew up with this. Her mother used to make this. It's really a Swedish tea ring is what it's called. What's a T-ring?

A T-ring is like you would have like this, it's basically a cinnamon roll. Oh. How beautiful. Isn't that gorgeous? That's so gorgeous. I know. Now for our listeners, just so you know, part of our revamping of our podcast.

Next time I show you something, you'll be able to see it. Now you can just see it on my phone. Oh. But we'll be able to put it up. Yeah, it's basically a cinnamon roll and then glazed. Yeah, but that glaze is what makes it. Yeah, 100%. I made that during the break.

Then my grandmother would make these honey balls. It's called a stropholi. and it's basically make this dough and you cut it into these tiny little balls and then you fry them and then coat them in honey and put a little sprinkles on it.

Those look like the Greek Luca Madres. Have you heard of Luca Madres? No. They are very similar. It's like a little honey coated like a donut type of Yeah.

Oh, amazing. I don't know you guys have those too. A lot of work. That's a lot to make all those. Yes. It's a lot. of work. Then you deep fry them.

Defry them. You coat them. And you make a little pyramid, which is fun. And you can make a little pyramid. The one little weird thing was that these sprinkles, you put rainbow sprinkles on them at the end. And it's great because you just keep it out and you just kind of pick during the week as you're walking through the kitchen. And it's, you know, it's sugary, but not, it's honey. So it's not crazy.

But the sprinkles, next year I've got to find the sprinkles that work because while they look nice, they melted a little bit. And then they made the honey at the honey. the bottom look a little green. Right, right, right. Very unattractive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Strafoli and the Swedish tea ring and then all of the chocolates that were left around, all of the wine.

Here's my dog looking at my salami and cheeses. Oh, Frank, Frank took a bite out of Claire something. Frank, yeah, I heard. Yeah, she dropped something and he... I heard he took it off her plate. Oh, maybe off her plate, yeah. He came up and just took a whole, like, salami off of her plate. Yes, yeah.

He is doubled in. size since Christmas. Oh, no. He really has. He hates so much. He's really just... You had him in a dress. I didn't.

Okay. My daughter put him in a dress. Yes. It was very cute and I'll be honest, a little sexy and I... Oh, really? I started questioning my feelings. Really?

I was like, why am I attracted to this pug right now? Well, he's gender fluid. He has a pink harness. He has a penis. Yeah. He has dress. He has a top hat. He's 2024.

You can't put him in a box. No. Because he's fat. Yeah, no, that was great. So that being said, all of those treats, all of that good stuff, does not make me want to quit everything for the month of January. I was like, you know, I should dial it back, and I got to be healthy and take care of my life. But swearing everything off just in this big declaration at the beginning of the year, I say it's nonsense and anyone listening, it's nonsense.

Joey, you should do it because you're sick. But the rest of the people out there, I think just live your life. I mean, you know what advice I'm going to give people. Go into a sauna. If you're going to be picking at the strafoolet, what did you call it? Straffoli. Strafoli and you're going to have the other Swedish tea ring and all the stuff. Chocolates.

Just go sit in a sauna and start. and sweat it out and then start your day over again and do it again. That's my advice. Does that? Yes. Is it really do that? Yes. Do it.

It really does that. Yes. So you sit in a sauna for 20 minutes and you have no more strafoli in you. Well, it's still in there, but you'll feel better. Mm-hmm. You'll feel better. You'll feel better about getting fatter? You'll feel, there will be an easiness, yes, in your soul about it.

What, do you know why? Because when you sweat, you do release a chemical that makes you feel at ease. But this is different sweat than if I'm on my peloton. Very different. Because I'm sweating buckets on the peloton. Correct. You're sweating because you're exerting energy. Okay.

And you're moving your muscles and you're raising your heartbeat. Uh-huh. Different sweat. This is, you are raising your heartbeat a little bit. Right. Um, but your insides, your spleen is getting like this. It's getting like twisted. It's getting wrung out.

This is a good thing. Yeah. Right. You want it. Okay. So you're starting to sweat on the inside of your body. Got it. And then it comes out.

Got it. Different. That is going to be a big purchase that I'm thinking about. Yeah. To get a sauna into the backyard. I thought we already like lock this. Yeah, we did. But my wife is attaching it to three other projects.

We have to redo the pool, the deck, and the landscaping. And then we put it. No, it's really just the deck. Can I tell you something that I love about Cynthia? She was so sweet. First of all, people don't know this about your house. Your house is almost like an escape room. Have you ever been inside of an escape room?

Yes. Every little thing, Cynthia's like, hey, kids, come on over. I want to show you this, like, painting that when you push a button, the whole thing opens and then a door slides. I mean, like, yes. Like, you have like a little nutcracker show. And then another thing you do,

like a thing comes to life and, sparkles come out. For Christmas. Yes. But I'm saying that was amazing, magical for the kids. And not to mention your train, which was broken several times, not your fault. Bill, yeah. Bill Burrs.

Bill's son. Kids are curious. Pretty much Godzilla came to Christmas town. But you have so many like little, like magical little things that happen. And like. So, yeah, there is a lot going on. It is a magical time of year. That's why we love it.

so much. I went to an escape room recently. You did? Yes. Something to do. I got to fill three weeks with these goddamn kids. Oh, when the kids were home. Yeah. Right. Are they back in school now? No. Still? No. God, the teachers union got what they wanted to not work. No, we have to, so I took him to an escape room and it was incredible. Right. This place was bananas. I didn't know what to even expect. It was my first time. Do the kids like it?

loved it. Really? Yes. And it was a little bit freaky. There were secret rooms and you get the key that opens up the bookcase and the bookcase opens up into a whole new room. This is me in an escape room. Can someone just tell me where the door is? Oh.

I know. It's no fun. I know it's no fun. You got to suspend belief and I know. No, you, I'll take you to a good one. No, you won't. Why not? The same reason I'm not going to go see Joey perform.

It's too bad because his next set is inside of an escape room. And you can't leave until you laugh at Joey's jokes. Yeah. There was a piano that you played, and when you played it, the piano had a secret trap door and it opened and gave you a clue. I mean, it was so cool. It sounds cool. How long it takes you to get out?

Oh, we didn't. We didn't figure it out. What happens when you don't figure it out? They just someone... They come and get you? Yeah, they're like, yeah, you're like, yeah, you're. You guys are so off track. And he was a defeated family.

No, they showed us. So we got into this one armoire and it opened up and you walked through it into another room. I would have tried that first. But you can't because the clue to get the thing isn't, you know what I mean? Like you needed to open the piano first. Yeah. Yeah. It was hard.

I'm doing an activity tomorrow night. Ooh. My daughter got tickets to a puppet version of the Nutcracker. That sounds stupid, right? Very. I'll be there. Oh, my God. Why?

Why? Apparently, it's a legendary puppet troupe in L.A. The guy's Bob something and he's done it forever. Do you know it? Yeah. Bob. The Marionette Theater. Yeah, the Marionette Theater.

Yeah, they moved it someplace. and it's legendary. Used to be off Fairfax, right? Yeah, I don't know. Okay. You all know more than I do. And I'm going to go do it with the kids. It'll be fun.

That's going to be so fun. I'm getting my tooth pulled at noon. Oh, I thought you're at the Marionette Theater. That's a weird combo. I'm just hoping I'm not in pain and have to go sit through puppets while I've got a mouth pain. Well, you are going to be in pain. It will be pain. Yeah, yeah, of course.

It's a tooth. It's part of your body and you're pulling it out. They gave me two things. They gave me, one, they said I was supposed to take before I go get it done, and one I was supposed to take after for pain. One is Motrin of like 600 milligrams and one is Tylenol with codeine. Oh. I'm thinking the Tylenol with codeine is for after. I mean, there goes your dry January.

You're going to be effed up. You're going to be high. I know. One they said you need someone to drive you home. Yeah. I don't think I'm going to do it. I'm just going to go. What?

Just let them take it, right? And then what are they going to put in? Eventually they put a bake something in there. Yeah, but why are you getting it pulled? What's happening? It was an old root canal and the root cracked. Oh, God. Yeah.

So it gets brittle. It's a dead tooth, essentially. Jesus. At a certain point, you eat a nut and it cracks and you have a little infection, and they've got to pull it out. Yikes. So stupid. So do you think I'll be able to go to puppets?

I think this is a great excuse not to go to puppets. Interesting. You're welcome. Thank you. Just got you out of that nightmare. Well, we have nothing but good wishes for all of you. We think that you shouldn't go dry. You definitely haven't curbed your meat capade.

No, you saw what I cooked up. It's waiting for me at home. Yeah. It looks like 20. pounds of short rib. It's so good. Oh my God, I can't wait. I cannot wait.

Will you just eat it with your hands? I'm going to literally tie my hands behind my back and just go face first into it. I tried making a roast chicken last night, and I realized how little I cook meat when I'm, like, once in a while, throw something on the grill, but we never, because I live with all vegetarians, I very seldom make meat in the oven. and there was this recipe for a roasted chicken and it was a pretty gruesome affair and I kind of am surprised I'm not sick right now. How could you mess up roasted chicken?

Well, first of all, I bought it on New Year's Eve and this was two days after. It should be fine. It was pretty slimy. Oh, God. Yeah. So you didn't mess up a chicken. You just messed up putting...

No, I think the chicken should have been. been, I don't know, eaten immediately. They say you can keep it in your fridge for two to three days. Yeah. And this was the second day. And as I was making it, because I'm not that familiar with it, I was like, that seems a little. And then I looked it up after I ate it and was after I cooked it and ate it. And they're like, yeah, if it's a little slimy, you shouldn't eat it or if it has a

smell, you should not eat it. And I had to eat it. But basically, you take this fried, this, I know we're wrapping up, but they have this whole roasted chicken, you cut the backbone out of it. Yeah. And then cut the breastbone and split it into two pieces after you take the wings off. So you basically have the breast and the thigh and the leg. You have those two pieces and you roast it.

It's very simple. Salt and pepper and a little olive oil and roast it. But taking the backbone out of it. Was that traumatizing? It was a lot more gruesome than I thought it was going to be. Yeah. And then you hear it. Crack, crack, crack.

Crack, crack. Yeah. Yeah. And you're pulling this thing out that you've never, I've never seen before. You never seen the inside of the, not that. Not that way. Like after a cooked turkey. Sure.

But never like a raw. Yeah. I'm pulling its spine out. I know. I, I, that is rough. It's rough. And I don't even let the kids watch because I don't want to traumatize them. The reason it was a little late, like the reason I didn't do it the first, I needed the coast to be

clear. Right. I didn't want my wife and children around when I was, doing it. The dogs were very intrigued. Yeah, of course. So excited. They literally, when I pulled it out after roasting it, they were locked on me. Like, I made dinner for the family, so they had potatoes and broccoli and fish and all this other stuff that they had. And the dogs were not distracted by them at all. They were just looking at me like, you're pulling a roasted chicken out of this oven for the first time. What exactly is happening right now?

What are you doing? And why is it slimy? And why is this thing that I've been bred to go retrieve from the woods? How's that showed up right? Like, they were very excited. I think I got it just in time that I didn't get sick. Okay. But it kind of ruined the fun of it.

You know what I mean? Yeah, you don't have to eat a slimy chicken. No, it was bad. Treat yourself good. But I was thinking about you and Mike because you guys are all about meat. We are. Yeah. I know.

I know. I apologize. I'm not saying it in a bad way. I look, I did not want, I did not want this. It just is it now. I understand. You know what I mean? And look, I think, and I'm going to use it as we go forward throughout the year.

I'm going to use it as a, as an advantage for myself. When I'm, when I have a question, I will consult, I'll say to you, Should this be slimy? You know what I mean? Like, it should be an added benefit. So I told you we got a smoker. Mm-hmm. So Mike just has to cure it.

Yeah. We haven't done it yet. I've just been busy with all the holidays, but I am already, I have already planned the next 10 meals for that smoker. I am so excited. Yeah, it is going to be pretty great. Everything.

I'm going to smoke everything. I'm going to put toast in there. I'm going to smoke toast for the kids. Honestly, that's the way I should go. And I was thinking that last night. Most of the stuff I would cook would be on the grill. Yeah. And then you're kind of free and you don't have to worry about offending everybody that you live with.

Right. Outside in the yard, anything can happen. Yeah. Oh, and my kids loved your yard. Oh, yeah. You know they were out there. They weren't. Oh.

They just saw it. And they were like, can we go down there? And I go, no, no, just this is a, please. Please. I have to do a podcast with this man. Please. Don't embarrass Mommy. Are there any shows you want to let people know about?

Well, this comes out on third, right? Tomorrow. Oh, that's right. Oh, I don't even know what day it is. This is also the part of the year where I just don't. No idea. I have no idea what's happening. I just, Keira Comedy.

All right. Just go and that's on Instagram and find me there. You could also go to Tompapa.com and look up all of my dates. They're selling all over the place. We've got Pennsylvania. We've got Florida. A whole bunch of Florida. We have the big one.

The big Netflix is a joke festival. Kira will be with me. on May 3rd at the theater at the Ace Hotel. That's going to be a really a fun one. So go to tompapa.com for all of that. Very excited for all the changes coming to the podcast. We'll see you next time. Got it, Joan.