Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 2 - Alonzo Bodden

Episode Date: May 19, 2020

Tom is joined by Alonzo Bodden, host of the podcast Who's Paying Attention? also on All Things Comedy. He is also a regular on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey! sourdough, hey, it's time for breaking bread with Papa, Hey, don't you know, it's also a show. Hey! Hey, everybody, welcome to Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. Exciting show where we sit down at the table with our good friends and enjoy all the good things in life. My guest today is the very talented, smart, and hilarious, Alonzo Bowden.

Alonzo is a regular on Wait Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, and for you. for good reason, he is smart and incredibly natural and prolific. We've been friends for a long time, and I'm excited to see what made this giant man so big. What did this guy eat throughout his life? Please welcome the very talented Alonzo Bowden. Yeah, so I made this for you just about an hour ago. All right.

I made it, I mean, this starts like three days earlier. I basically start the dough. See, this is why I can't cook. Because I don't think about food until I'm hungry. And I learned this a long time ago. So when you're cooking, you have to plan ahead like I'm going to want this, you know. And obviously you will want it. But yeah, I've never had that kind of patience.

Who cooked for you when you were growing up? My mother cooked, but she never liked it. So my mother's from South Carolina, right? And stereotypical black southern family. Right. A lot of good food, a lot of, you know, just big meals and this and that. So, but my mother... Is that where you were born?

No, I was born in New York. My mother had moved to New York. Queens, right. So my mother was the sister who had no interest in cooking. As a matter of fact, I was telling a friend yesterday, because she's like, her kids came home for the quarantine. So she's like, I got four adult children in this house. And I told her, listen, my mother,

She believed in independence. So when I was 13, my brother's three years older. My sister's two years older. So she had three kids in three years. We're a tight unit. When I hit 13, she said, look, this ain't a restaurant. I'm cooking once. If you're here, you can eat.

If you're not here, you'll figure it out. And that's what she meant. So when I moved to L.A., right, I have an aunt. Well, she's passed, but I had an aunt in San Francisco. And she was the cook of the family. Your mom's sister. Yeah. And I used to drive up there once a month to eat and stock up on food.

It was like, yeah, Nise, I'm here. My Tupperware's empty. Let's go. What was that your name? Neat, Altonese. They called Niz. She was such a good cook, and she was a jazz lover. Oh, nice.

She had a club. It was called Bright Moments Jazz Appreciation. The deal she would do is, if you're a jazz musician playing in town, She would cook for you, but you had to play something at the elementary school to expose the kids to jazz. Wow. But you'd go to her house and it'd be like, was that Herbie Hancock? You know, just like that. Herbie came over for some smoked turkey and greens and sweet potatoes.

And this is like she had, you know, Art Blakey and all these famous jazz guys. Oh, my God. They all knew her. And they were like, yeah, when you're in San Francisco, you've got to go to Ney's house, get something to eat. and then go up the street to the school and play a set. That is amazing. She was fantastic. She was great.

Was she tied to the school? No, she did it because, you know, when her kids, I guess when her kids were little, my cousins were little, I think it's the school they went to. It was a neighborhood school, and she was one of those like, hey, like nobody's going to expose these kids to jazz. Like jazz is, so she loved the music so much that she would do that. And also, you know what it's like on tour. If you knew there was somebody, like not just some random crazy fan, but a real person that other comics were like,

Hey, Tom, when you're in Iowa, you got to stop at so-and-so's house. They're going to cook for it. And you knew it was going to be good. And all you got to do is a five-minute set. Oh, God. Absolutely. That's the difference between comedians and rock stars, by the way. Like, rock stars would go to a town.

They're like, you know, there's this girl. Right. She'll meet you backstage. And comedians are like, who's going to give me for? food. It really is a sad life. It's just not, it's just not what they think. Just to put our little discussion in context, because I was just realizing that I'm wearing my scarf. This is my mask. This is my COVID mask. And Alonzo has one down there too. I got the coolest mask. We were both. I don't know if your friends, if your cameras can see this. Yeah. Oh yeah. The Clippers sent this.

Oh, very cool. As a Clipper ticket holder, they sent us masks. And I was like, all right. I bought one for the Yankees, not the Yankees themselves, but a third party thing to the Yankees. And I think they just took my money. Still waiting. That's New York. They're not sending me a mask.

Clipper send one without even asking. New York. We donated your mask to a hospital. Yeah. But you are the first person to actually sit here in my house. beautiful set and have the and have the the talk with me. But it is just for context, this is, we are in the middle of the pandemic right now.

The only reason that we're sitting here together is because we were both tested this week. Yes. And we are clear. We're clear, we've had the blood, the blood test and we're good. Yeah. You know, that always feels good, right?

Yeah. We were talking about this. Is there any medical test that you don't want to be negative? That you don't want to be negative. Whenever you get a test and they're like the test results came in, you're negative, you're like, perfect. Like you're never looking for a positive. I can't think of any. I can't think of any medical procedure where you're like, man, I hope this one comes up positive.

Yeah, no, you're right. Negative is always the answer. Yeah. But I've got to say, there was a little part of me that was like if I could, if I've already had it and it's behind me and I beat, I'm so strong that I beat it. I would have kind of taken that, but no. No, I didn't want that. Because they say for some people it comes back. Like that's, that's.

comes back anyway. The thing about this pandemic is it's completely unknown. Yeah. Like I'm strange in that I listen to scientists rather than politicians. So weird. But all of them, and I even have a friend, she's a scientist for the Red Cross. She does blood testing and this and that. And she's like, yeah, we don't know. She's like, this is new. She said there's been things like it. Yeah. But she said, but we don't know. Yeah, no idea. Yeah, no, it's a little frightening. So no, when you're home now during this time And you don't cook, how do you eat well?

Takeout is some you know breakfast is easy. I can do breakfast I can do bacon eggs cereal, you know, whatever what's your go-to? What's your go-to? What's when you've got time and your home? You're back off the road. Bacon eggs would be to go to or waffles. How much bacon do you make? Four slices. That's it. Four. You know, I'm, I'm, I'm, bacon, there's no, there's no upper limit. You gotta cut yourself off. You know, my girl.

Like a dog with a ball. Like, girl I'm dating, she's vegetarian, and we joke about bacon, because I'm like, you know, you know, it would make that kale really good. Some bacon, you know. So her, so her thing is like, just tell me you're not eating baking every day. And it's like, no, not every day. But bacon's easy. And it's always good. It is easy.

It fills the house. And it's one of those things that even if you burn it still ain't bad. You know, like what they say, like bad pizza still ain't that bad. Exactly. But no, I'll tell you, that's something. The thing I've been staying away from because it's too easy and tempting are things like pizza, burgers, stuff like that. So I've been doing a lot of chicken. And, you know, grocery stores now, the deli has actually has good food, you know.

salads and different kind of like baked chicken and crab cakes and things like that. So I'll buy that and just take it home and heat it up. That's probably my staple. But yeah, a few times a week, you know, I do my part to help small business. Right. I know. I was just thinking the same thing. I'm like, I'm so full of it.

I'm like, I'm really just helping our local business. It's like, no, I just want barbecue again. Oh, man. You can't go wrong with barbecue. But see, barbecue is something you can always. always justify. It's like, well, these are sweet potatoes. That's a super food. Right. Collard greens, very good for you. Beans are always good for you. Collard greens full of vitamins. And, you know, underneath that sauce is chicken. Underneath that heavy, sugary sauce.

This is a healthy meal, right? We had some good meals. Recently, we had a good one in Chicago together. Yes. When we were doing, wait, wait, don't tell me. Chicago is a good food city. Yeah. But you have to time it right. Me and Heffron, we randomly met each other in Chicago. Like we were doing two different things, and we tried to find dinner early at about five o'clock. Couldn't find it.

Oh, really? Every place was, you know, well, we're between lunch and dinner. Like you could find it at the faster food places or what they call them casual restaurants. I'm sure there's a name for it. But the Chicago places, like where you want to go have, They were all like, no, we start serving dinner at six or something like that. Yeah.

So. Isn't that the whole thing about being on the road is literally, I mean, people think it's our act and, you know, how good a show you're going to do. It's really 90% is when and where are we going to eat. That's why you like, you know, we talked about this, right? In Cleveland, hilarities. Yeah. Nick will feed you. Nick will feed you and it will be good.

And the other thing is, I don't know about you, but I like eating after the show. I don't like to eat before the show. I know. I'm the same way. And it's impossible to find real food. Like, you know, say you're doing, even on a two show Friday. So I want to eat between shows, say between 9.30.

It's too late. Yeah. You can't get food. But when you're with Nick, have a seat. It's so funny. Isn't it funny? I mean, he's one of the most beloved guys in comedy. He's a fantastic guy.

the owner of this club. And it's literally only because he feeds us. He's not that great a guy. Mike Lacey, Comedy and Magic. Comedy and Magic is like where you're not even doing a set. You're just like, hey, I'm near Comedy Magic and I'm hungry. Let me go hit the green room, right? And Michael feed you.

He gets like, both those guys get offended if you don't eat. You don't eat. Get your grandmother's house. It's like they really, like their heart is broken. You're finding yourself eating just to get them off your back and make them feel okay. And like you said, this is the conversation that rock stars don't have. No. They don't know.

They don't know that. They don't know a Nick. Not at all. Their Nick hooks them up with the with this chick or with the drugs or something like that, man. You know, Nick, which one? The one with the blow. Oh, yeah, I know that, Nick. You know.

Yeah. No, our Nick got pork chops. Right, exactly. He once sent me home after the last show on Sunday was all over. You know, you're going flying out the next morning. It's all done. And he, there's a knock at my hotel. You know, it's 10 o'clock at night.

And you just want to kind of pack up and get some sleep and go. And he sent one of the waiters over with two, like, giant bags, like big shopping bags filled with chicken dishes and desserts and all this. I'm like, I'm by myself. And I'm only here for two. more hours. Mike Lacey did that. You know, I had an accident. I broke my arm on a motorcycle, broke my wrist. How did you do that? So I was in a cat. We were doing a track day. So we practice on the tracks, not racing. And the reason I say that is because on Wikipedia, somebody put down that I

raced, Dukhys and all this. I was so flattered I did not correct the article. I was like, wow, I'm good. Yeah, leave that up. But anyway, Mike Lacey says to me, he says, well, you know, I know you're hurt. So if you want, I can send someone to bring dinner to your house. And it's like I lived in Studio City. You know, he's right to those listening, it's 20 miles apart right but with LA traffic it's an hour and a half easy and he would have actually sent and how mad would that waiter have been if I said yeah Mike send dinner over. Right, exactly.

Some poor staff member is like son of a bitch, I'm sitting in traffic, I ain't DoorDash. I wonder if they're doing takeout from the club because they always have good food. I don't know. I haven't even looked into that because some places are. Yeah, right, exactly. My favorite story about that, I don't know if you heard about this, but there's a strip club in Portland. Oh, Uber? Doing drive-through stripping. No, they have like a tent and you drive through and the girls dance. But the way they're open is they sell food.

So it's open under the carryout because, of course, that's why you go to the stripper tent, you know, for for the chicken wings. That's why you're there. But that, I love stuff like that because that is the entrepreneurial spirit, right? That's the, I'm going to make money somehow. You know, I'm going to, yeah. There was another one in Portland that was Boober.

They started Boober. Right, right. And strippers would come and bring your food to your door. Yeah, your wife's going to love that one, right? I know. Like I see the things out here, the van for the topless maids. Uh-huh. You know, because I was very iffy.

about having cleaner, you know. Yeah. The woman who normally does my house clean, she's like, look, I can't, my kid's home, and I got to be home, I can't do it. And I was like, okay. So a friend of mine uses this cleaning service, and she said, no, they're really good, and they come over with the gloves and the masks. They're clean, and they do the house.

So I hired them, but I was like, I wonder if the topless maids be good right now. They're clean. I'm sure they're clean. I'm sure they do a good job. They wipe everything down. How'd you hire your maids? Well, the back of a van. There was a van parked that had a phone number.

You know, you just, no. So how long have you been dating a vegetarian? Let's see, since August. Wow. That's a long time. Yeah, and we're good. Like, I eat food, and she does vegetarian. You know, it's like, yeah.

My wife's a vegetarian. Is she? And my two daughters. So I'm the only one in the house that's not. Mm-hmm. And... Do you get flack for that? Did they try to guilt you?

A little bit, a little bit. But you know what's really funny is we have a dog now. We have a black lab. And my wife, who really would be kind of like, what are eating that for? And now, it's like, do you have anything extra for Bella? Anything of the Christmas? Like, she'd love to feed the dog.

The dog is so happy. She loves feeding the dog meat. So now I get like a free pass. Just so she can make the dog happy. happy when it was just me for 20 years. This is perfect for you, though. You know what you can use? This is your time to get barbecue beef ribs, you know, those big, like, dinosaur

because that's great for a dog. You're like, I don't even want these, but Bella needs them. Right. That's where the baking comes in, is that that's like the one thing that we all do at the same, like we can all eat, we can all eat that stuff because no one's vegan, so there's still butter and eggs and all that kind of stuff thrown in there. But yeah, man, I want to go back there. Are you a jazz fan now?

Oh, yeah, I've always been a jazz fan. And I started doing jazz cruises like 10 years ago. So I've gotten to know a lot of these musicians. Really? And so I love it. And I was just literally just on the phone with my friend Marcus Miller, who's a jazz bassist composer and anything else. And we do the cruises together, right?

And the joke on the cruises, I always say, like, he can play something Miles Davis wrote 50 years ago. And they're like, Marcus, it's a genius. Like, I'll do a show on Monday. And if I don't have new material for my second show on Thursday, right? And I'm a hat. So now, so they're doing it online. And he said, man, it's like every time they want a new show.

And I'm like, yeah, welcome to my world, Marcus. Yeah, got to come up with a new song every few days, don't you? You know, so, but no, I love jazz, man. I love the creativity. Yeah, I know. Did you like it because of your aunt? Well, no, that was part of it, but no, I don't even remember how I was first exposed to jazz.

Well, we listened to it. You know, my parents listened to it. And you just, yeah, so I just heard it. Yeah, it was just around. And you know what it was? It was the fact, like they're masters of their instrument. You know what I mean? Like when you listen to, like, when you listen to Chick-Correa play a

piano yeah you're like that's what a piano can do you know and and it's one thing to listen to and I like hip hop and stuff like that even like some rock some rock is cool yeah and it's good but when you hear jazz musicians you're like wow that's really musicianship you know that's really yeah exactly you know and and again and you know just it's like you know and I'm not kissing I'm not kissing his ass people he knows I'm a fan but seriously Like you're in your Netflix special when you stood at a microphone and talked. Right. And it's like, ladies and gentlemen, that's how it's done.

That is pure stand-up. No jumping around. No cartwheels. No hump in the stool. No singing. Just, I'm going to stand here. Yeah. I love that.

I mean, I move around on stage. I don't move around as much as I think. I think I'm moving like Chris Rock, like a panther. Then I see me and I'm like, oh, you took three steps. No, you're pretty, yeah, no, you're right, I know exactly what you mean. Yeah, you'll kind of pace, but it's really slow, like two places this way, and maybe go back a little. But that's what it came from was literally just, I wanted to see if I was mugging too much, if I was adding to it, and was the material, was I covering up material that could have been stronger? Right.

So then I said, well, if I just leave it there, then it's just the words that are going to be tested. and then I just got into the habit. Then I just haven't taken it out since. Yeah, no, it's great. It's great. I remember one time at the Laugh Factory, I sat on the stool when I was talking, because I used to do that at Dublin's all the time. So I just sat there, and I come off and Dom's like, hmm, tired?

You know how Dom Barrera is. Tired? Couldn't stand for the full 20 minutes? Were you wearing you out up there? I was like, all right, Dom, I get it. I'll stand up. No more sitting down. I get the message.

I don't know if I see you, I guess you do a little bit of crowd stuff. Oh, I love doing it. I love doing it, man. Yeah, but I never get to see your longs, your longsets. Do you want water? Do you want water? Yeah, do we have water here? We have some water.

We have some waters. I just realized what a bad host I am. We got a crew? I have, the whole thing is breaking bread and enjoying sitting down. But let me get you some water. No, I'm good. But, no, I love doing crowd work. And it's funny because we're Dublin's, I used to improvise whole shows.

And there are times on the ships. where I'll improvise the entire thing just because it's fun. Right. You know how that is. So great. It's fun and it's freedom. Like when Todd, when Todd Barry did the crowd work tour,

I was going like, oh, we could do that? Yeah. Like I wish I had known. Because when I was coming up in this, because not everybody's good at it. What they taught me, what they told me was that that's lazy. right that that's like you're not writing that's lazy I know but did they really tell us that or is that just us there was no there was one guy I know who he specifically said that and

What I tell comics right because they asked man like look learn your act first Mm-hmm and then you can improv right because when new new comics or people who don't do comedy watch it They think oh well I just go up there and just talk because yeah funny. Yeah, and it's like no you got to have a I think you got to have a foundation before you do it. For sure. But the thing that you have, which is probably developed through a combination of both,

is you do have that. There are certain comics that you watch them and you think, oh, this guy could say anything. You could read out of the phone book and make it funny thing. Oh, thanks. And that's because there's no difference between

right now you speaking, just as my friend, and the guy on, like, you're so, it's the natural cadence of that. So it makes the people don't see the work. I know the work that you put into all those jokes. But it sounds so effortless that the people think, well, this guy's just talking to me right now. No, thank you.

Because in anything, right, they say that's when you really got it, when you don't look like, when it looks effortless, when it looks like anyone could do it. Right, right, exactly. You know, when it looks like anyone, you're like, you have to be really good to make it look like. Yeah. Anyone can do it. Yeah.

And I think that comes, man, that comes from the love of it. You know, I still love it. Yeah. I still love it. You know, it's like I've been lucky and, you know, you get the money and whatever, this and that lifestyle. Yeah. But at the end of the day, man, I still love it. That's why we still do the spots around town, right?

That's why you still, you don't ask if it's, you know, hey, where's my 40 bucks? It's like, no, man, I just want to. I mean, even now, during the pandemic, I've been doing those laugh. factory live streams. Oh, have you? Yeah. Were you going in the afternoon and perform in front of like two people? Mm-hmm.

Does it feel like a set? No. No. Not even close. The good thing is that because that's my home club and I've been on that stage a thousand times, I'm super comfortable there. And I do sometimes I'll go into a bit and I'm doing it looking around like there is an audience, you know, but...

Are there just a couple of people in mass at least? Yeah, there's the other, maybe one or two other comics and the tech guy running. running the computer and stuff. So you will get laughs on occasion, but it's part, I mean, I joke about it. You can't not joke about the situation of, you know, I wish some, you know, nobody's here. Like I'm putting this out there and I have no idea if it's funny. Yeah. Especially when you do something new because the pandemic jokes come up, the quarantine joke, there's no way to run them.

Right, no, exactly. So you're just doing it. Like, I hope that was funny. It was funny in my head. Yeah. It's a different thing. Like, I do these monologues for live from here, the APR show. And, you know, it's pretty much stand-up.

Right. And when I'm not there live, I'll record them just like a podcast, like sitting in my office. And they would play them for a while. They would play them in front of the audience when I wasn't there. And it was funny to hear it get laughs. Yeah. where I thought it would get laughs. But then other things didn't get laughs where I thought that.

And I would pause for the joke, you know, let some air go. But there is, you can't, like, I've been thinking, like, why can't I go do these kind of shows? I think it's because it's dressed up as stand-up. Like, if it was dressed up as just a radio show, I do it all the time, so why not just go do it? But knowing that it's not stand-up, for some reason that bugs me. See, for me, it was like, okay, here's a new challenge. Yeah, yeah. Here's something, you know, because I like a new challenge.

I don't want to get bored. Yeah. And also, like, we don't know what our business is going to be. Yeah. I did hear, like, we were talking about it beforehand. Someone said that someone did like a drive-through, I mean, drive-in movie kind of thing where everyone sat in their cars. Yeah.

And a friend of mine in Vegas, he was saying, he said, yeah, stand-up would be the easiest entertainment to bring back because. it's one person on a stage with a microphone. And he's like, and then you could sit the people six feet apart, eight feet apart. And he said, you could even do it outdoors, you know. And I was like, yeah, that's true. Yeah. It wouldn't be exactly the same, but it would be...

Close. It would be close, you know. I mean, think about coming up how many shows you did in front of 10 people. Yeah, exactly. You know. Coming up. Look at you with your father. following, just bragging.

But really, I've been thinking about that. There's so many shows in front of nobody forever. So, like, who cares? If you gave me a show, if you told me, I'm sorry, we're so sorry, but we're only going to have 10, 20 people in the audience. I would be elated at this point. Yeah, it's... He's so happy.

It's a thing. Yeah, a lot of our old skills are coming back. Mm-hmm. You know, just like, yeah. You got to work for nobody. So this is the 1 a.m. spot. Right. This is the 1 a.m. spot after a major headliner was at the club.

Like Chris Rock was there from 11 to midnight. Now you're on at one. There's two people who didn't have anywhere to go. And there's drunk. Everyone else, they saw Chris Rock, they're good. They're going home. But those two people are still here. You're going to do your 20.

When you hang out with the jazz guys, do they have that thing, the jazz artist? Do they have that thing of they look at you? Like, I don't get what you're doing? Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Somebody famous said that every comic wants to be a musician and every musician wants to be a comic.

Absolutely true. They're like, man, this is what they always say. And you know this, because actors say the same thing. You're just up there alone. Yeah. You know, like Marcus told me one time, he said, man, if I'm off, you know, then I just give it to the drummer. Right.

Just he's solo, you know. He's like, but if you're off, you, you ain't got no one behind you. Yeah. But we wouldn't have it any other way. No. So it's normal to us. But yeah. But the life is similar.

Like, that's the thing. They're almost like cousins. You know what I mean? They're not real brothers. We're brothers. They're like cousins. They're like they travel the same way, eat the same way, have all that stuff. But up there, it's just a slightly different.

Yeah, but even to travel because they travel with a band. Right. And they do have. And they're always checking their luggage. They're not eating alone the way we do. You know, I've always found our odd cousins, our strippers. Uh-huh. That's living.

That's closer. Yeah. Because it's even the same titles. right, features and headliners, and they travel alone. And the other thing is, it's not as glamorous as people think. And I'm not complaining, I love it. No, I don't mean. But yeah, it's not as-

Everything other than the performance. Right, and for strippers, it's the same way. It's like, this is not as glamorous as you think. You know. Yeah. And I think that's why we gravitate toward each other, you know, as far as just being able to talk about it, you know. And, you know, and we even have the same, like, screw-ups in our business, you know, like the drunk comic or the meth-head stripper, you know what I mean?

Like, we even have that where the vices inherent in the business could destroy you. Right, right. Yeah, exactly. You know. So. When you're on the road, do you, you don't, will you go to a restaurant by yourself? Like, will you go sit? Yeah.

Like, have a proper meal? Like a... Once in a while. Yeah. I'm at the point. I'll do anything. myself now because you just get used to like yeah like go to the movies by yourself I love when people say like yeah to the point where I remember I went took this girl to the movies

and it was like the Sunday night when Monday was a holiday one of those and I was freaking out because I'm so used to go into the movies Tuesday afternoon I'm like there's all these people like we gotta wait like I was like she was like you're really free I said yeah I don't do this. And she was like, you don't want to go. I was like, no, I really don't want to go. And then she said, she said, let's get her money back. And I said, what? And she said, yeah, you just go get your money. I said, I didn't know you could do that. Like, I thought once you bought a movie ticket, yeah, you're locked. That's theirs. And she's like, no, you just go in and tell them you want to go see. And it was funny because to her, it was so normal.

Yeah, yeah. And I was just fascinated by all that. I'm like, wait, it's this, you know, it's when you're, when you're a comic and you see how people live, and you know, and you're, And you're like, wow, that's interesting. Well, it's so weird how much time you spend outside of normal life. Like, you don't do those. Like, even in the city you live in, you don't go to those places where everybody else goes. You know where the laugh factory is. You know where the comedy magic is and a couple places to eat.

There's no, like, experiencing the rest of it. Even now, the craziest thing is we're operating in the daytime now. I know. I know. Isn't that weird? And our time, it's a bunch of Dracula. Our time of operation, there's nothing going on. You know, so people like this.

Like we're doing this podcast in the afternoon. You know, the live stream is at two in the afternoon or this or that. And it's like, yeah, man, but I'm coming into my prime at 10 p.m. That's when I'm ready to go to work. I know. There's nothing to do. A bunch of vampires that have been thrown out into the sunlight. When you're cruising around and you're, you know, those times, you know,

those times when you're spent and you're tired, you're just another city, another place, another thing. And you have time to actually eat something that's gonna make you feel okay, like that comfort meal. What is that for you? Two things, the barbecue is one, and Italian food. Ah, nice.

Love Italian food. Nice. Like good Italian food. Well, now you were Queens as a kid. So you must have been surrounded by, I mean, some of my favorite bakeries in the world are in Queens. Yeah, there was, well,

Well, you know, it's interesting where I grew up. So I grew up in an area called St. Alvin, Southeast Queens. And when I was growing up, which would be 60s, 70s, you know, I left it in 1980 when I hit 18, but it was like a working class black neighborhood. But then it kind of devolved more toward the hood, you know. And I used to do a joke, and this is true. Like I didn't know I grew up in the hood until 50 Cent mentioned it in a song. And I was like, wait, but what happened?

What, you know, but one thing about that, so the food you get, it's like really cool, but it is what they would call soul food. Like there's the fish fry place where you point to the fish and they fry it up. And that kind of stuff is delicious, you know, and the barbecue joint where there isn't really a menu. Right. You just, you know, everyone knows what they have, right? So you just order it and stuff like that. And we had, you know what we had, it was really good.

We had a lot of Jamaican food because this was when Jamaican people were. starting to come in to New York. The West Indy, and people from the islands were starting to come into New York. So there was, you know, the beef patty place and the curry, the Jamaican stuff was really good, the jerk chicken. And then, so as far as bakeries, there were some, but that wasn't the, that's not the, that's not what the neighborhood food was. The neighborhood food was definitely the sole food places, like I say, the fish fry, the barbecue, the chicken. and shack and you know. So where was the Italian?

All of that. I don't know where the Italian food came in. Partly it came in, you know, my mom would make spaghetti and stuff like that because it's easy. Yeah. Yeah. The one meal of the day. Yeah. It was the one meal of the day always dinner?

Was that her meal that she ate? Yeah. Yeah. My mom had no problem with sending the kids to McDonald's. She was like, no, that's why they made McDonald's. Right. It's $3.00. Now go eat.

But again, this was at a time before McDonald's was horrible. You know what I mean? That's why, like, it's funny to me, and you know this, you know, we're ballpark same age. Like we used to eat everything that nowadays it would kill you. It's like, no, it won't. You're a kid. Like, you know how many calories you burn as a kid? Your only speed is moving.

You know what I mean? So it's like they pump junk into you, but you would probably be. burning you were burning it off you're playing stick ball in the street yeah you're running you're run it's that the other you you know and they have to tell you stop running that's a really good point so and then also I think that they were fined they got even better at how they were delivering fat and salt yeah to you and sugar like it got like I bet the way they were making fast food back then wasn't as refined and potent as it is now right now they're just packing

yeah now they get you with now it really does become an addiction yeah But also, we got lazy kids now. And right, that part, that they're not moving. And, you know, there was just something recently on some show, animated show or whatever. It was about free-range kids, you know, which is what we were. Yeah, I know. We were, you know, go outside.

And you didn't come back. Right. You literally didn't come back. And they didn't want you back. Like, stay out there. The idea of, like, sitting around the living room. Wasn't so unheard of. My mother never used the word hydrate.

You know, she was like, all right, when you're thirsty, you'll get something to drink. I don't think I need to teach you. She didn't even think about it. We raising kids that are so dumb that they're like, I am dying of thirst, and I have no idea what to do. I know. I mean, you would just get on your bike and just go, and you would just be out until it was dark. And when you needed to hydrate, there was a garden hose. Right?

It didn't have to be yours. It was a hose somewhere and you turned on the hose and you drank it. Would you walk into other kids' homes? Yeah. Wasn't that the best thing about that? Just having a strange kid come in. You see someone in the refrigerator and you don't own this kid. This isn't yours.

A lot of those things were better. And the food. When you talk about baking, you know, who could bake, my sister could bake. And my sister would bake these chocolate chip cookies, man. And they were so good. Like, yeah, people, the guys would come over. And when she stopped baking, was when she made a batch of cookies

and she didn't get one. Like, we were like locust. It was like you could smell it and we dropped whatever we were doing. We just went in the house. You know, like, look like Homer Simpson and Bart, you know. And she was like, no more. I didn't even get one.

It was like, hey, you got to be fast. That's funny. So I wonder where she learned that she probably taught yourself then if your mom was. No, no, she learned that I think some was from my mom and also we, but now that you mention it, yeah, I'm not sure where, not sure where. Picks it up, you know? Yeah.

No, it's interesting is when my daughters are getting into baking and my wife taught them a lot of basics. Like I bake bread and my wife is really, really annoyed because everybody knows me for baking bread and they think that I'm like this baker and but that's really all I bake. the baking of like real pastry and that kind of stuff, the precision I'm not really that good at. And my wife's like, why is I ever walking around thinking you're the baker? But my kids have gotten into it and the same thing.

They're like, they just kind of like, now they're off in the woods exploring and teaching themselves and getting their own thing going. And I'm, but I know, like, I don't want them to become an adult and think and not know exactly where it all came from. Yeah. Like I like that it's coming from. us, you know what I mean? Like when they know like what really good bread is, it's going to be

because I surrounded them with it. Right. That's great to learn that, to learn what good food is and how it tastes. And, you know, I know women who can cook and they're like, you have people who cook with a recipe and they're like, no, I know how to cook. Right. You know how to go in the kitchen and take what's there and it takes a pinch of this and none of it's made. They just know, and at the end it's a meal that's unbelievable. My mother gave us, she's a really good cook, and she gave, printed out all of her recipes and gave it to everyone for Christmas, everyone in the family,

so that we had it. But it's hilarious to look at them, because her tomato sauce is like, there's no measurements. Right. It's tomatoes, onion, beef, tomato paste. And I gave it to a friend of mine, and they're like, yeah, but how much of all this? all this. I'm like, well, that you got to follow your instinct. Yeah, my, my friend

Ava, who, and Ava's where I'd go, like, to eat. Yeah. You know, just, it was funny. This is when you're a kid? No, this is when I was here, when I moved here. Okay. I met Ava in, like, my second apartment, like she lived in the building. We had a crazy building. It was like Melrose Place. Everybody did, but she could really cook. Yeah. And I would just go over and eat. Like, she might have a boyfriend, and she'd be like, yeah, that's a loneso don't worry about him and I'm like no no threat to you just here but don't think of getting between me and that fridge because you know but the first time it was Thanksgiving and she was I don't know like 23 yeah something you know and she made a full Thanksgiving dinner and it was

good and I was like how'd you learn like this is grandmother cooking like you're not old enough to be able to cook like you know and she said yes she said well I you know yeah she'd be in the kitchen with my mom and then my mom got sick and I took over to cooking but she's She's one of those, like, if you ask her, you know, how much of this you put in the greens or how much do you, she's like, you just do it, you know? And it's like, no, you don't just do it. I've been around people who just do it. They don't do it like you do it. Right.

You do it like you're a 78-year-old grandmother. But those grandmothers come from someplace. Yeah. It comes from starting it off. But they know, you know, they know how to, and what's funny about that, that's also a cultural thing, right? Yeah. So like a black grandmother, Italian grandmother, Jewish grandmother, whatever. Yeah. Like grandmother cooking is a different level. No, completely. Yeah. And they can all do it in their own, their own food. And you know what's really interesting about it is that especially now, like when you find it during this crazy time that we're going through, people are having to cook for themselves.

Yeah. Right? Take out was everyone was scared for a while? It was all closed up for a while. And it all of a sudden, became just a practical thing that you do. You're living with three people. They need to eat. How are you going to feed them? Where the only cooking that was kind of happening up until now was a lot of, well, like a foodie cooking and specialty cooking.

Yeah, you watch the food channel. And like this big thing. And then it's like, no, you know what? We're seven weeks in. I got to crank out another meal. I'm just going to do it. And that's what our grandmothers did. That's what our...

Right. They fed people. They fed people. It wasn't about being artistic. It wasn't about all this stuff. They just literally fed people. And it's interesting to see, like, what they were making. Wasn't like anything completely off-the-wall special.

It was dry pasta. It was like something from a can. It was chicken. It was simple food, but they made it. They made it. That's the key. It came from them. Yeah.

And them doing it and giving it to you. Right. There's love involved in that. There's something that's memorable in that. So I wonder. you know, won't be around, but when the millennials become grandparents, like 50 years from now, are we going to go to grandmother's house for a cacao salad? You know, are we going to go for some gluten-free bread?

You know what I mean? Or are they going to have let it go by then and be like, no, let's eat? Well, I think what you find, especially now that people, you know, look, I love restaurants. I love other people making my food for me. What I found is like we're eating all our meals at home. We're just making all the meals. And no one's gaining weight. We're not eating pure kale.

You got a house full of vegetarians. Well, it's that, but it's also, but you know, they're eating pasta and they're eating, but it's real food. Like even the best food you'll get in a restaurant is going to have a ton of sugar and butter on it. That's true. You know what I mean? Like you're just kind of eating normal stuff. So to your thing of like, I think as long as you're eating real food, I think people, find that they're healthier for it.

Like even the gluten thing, people have been eating bread for thousands of years. It wasn't because bread all of a sudden, out of nowhere, we're giving people problems. There's so many other added things into bread that's making people sick. And I have some friends, you know, look, if your celiacers have real problem, it's one thing,

but this border trying to figure out what's wrong with you, I have friends that eat this bread and they have no problems. It's only flour, water, salt, and yeast. That's all that's in it. I have a friend. You might know, or you know Liz, Yeah, yeah. So Liz, like, really has the gluten allergy.

And she said the worst thing for her is the fad of gluten-free because places will lie about something being gluten-free because it's a fad. It was for a period of fad diet. And she said, but it was like, so what you think might put on a few pounds could kill me. So she's much more conscious of it. She has to be. Yeah. And the other thing in talking about healthy, and this is funny, because, you know, we all make fun

of Florida, and justifiably. Yeah. They even make fun of it. But they showed the farmer's market in Brentwood. There was no social distancing going on. It was like all these people were packed in trying to get their organic avocados and stuff, and it's like you understand your breathing. Who knows what?

Right. guise of getting this healthy food. You know, it's one of those things. Yeah. When common sense, like people like, oh, he's rubbing his eye, my hands are clean, right? So stop it. Don't judge me. But when common sense, it's almost like it's a, it's situational.

Yeah. Right. So I know. Best intentions. Right. I'm going to ignore these healthy recommendation. Right. So I can buy healthy food.

Right. I know. Because the food at the grocery store is processed. It's like, yeah, but, you know. I know. It's almost like, I feel like we all do it. We all do it. Everyone tries to do the best.

Right. You do all the right things. And then all of a sudden you do something stupid because you can't help it. But I feel like that's okay because you're just cutting down, you're putting the odds in your favor. If I do 12 things and mess up the last two, all right, you know. Yeah, and we're human. Right. We're human.

and therefore fallible and, you know, it's just one of those things. I mean, but it's common sense, but there are certain things, and we will risk it for certain things. Yeah, you don't seem, you don't seem overly emotional. No, not externally, you know, and compared to my dad, I'm an emotional mess to give you an idea how stoic he was. Really? Yeah.

He was a rock? My dad, honestly, and this is the honest truth, he had prostate cancer. for a year before any of us knew about it. Oh my god. He's like, no, you go to work, you, you know. Well, he was retired then, but he was, he was with sanitation. He worked for department of sanitation. In Queens?

No, actually, you worked in Brooklyn, but we lived in Queens. But anyway, he's from that generation where you don't show anything. You know, you don't, you don't give up anything. Yeah. Do you ever see him cry? No, I don't think I've ever seen him cry. So when my sister had her kids, especially when the first one was born, his first grandchild, even my mother said, yeah, I've never seen this man before.

They were married 50 years, and she was like, I've never seen this man before in my life. I have no idea who this is. That's amazing. That's amazing. Isn't that crazy how that could happen? Was he a big dude like you? Yeah, I'm bigger, but he was like 6-1-2-2-10. Right.

Right. Right. Grandchildren bring out something, like, that's a whole different level. I know. Under perfect or good circumstance. I always say that I feel I was very lucky because I did have that grandmother who lived on a farm in South Carolina who fed us too much, who did. Like, I got the full grandmother experience. You know, you could do no wrong.

Right. You know, he burned down three houses. Well, it's not his fault. I know. I know. They love you no matter what. Grandmothers, you know, I have a friend with a son. We were talking about it.

I said, no, it's not the only child. Yeah. It's the only grandchild. They get spoiled. They get really spoiled. And I'm like that, you know, when a niece or a nephew, I don't know how to say no. No, I know.

To them. It's interesting. It's a different level of acceptance. in a way, like I thought about that, like the way my grandmother would act to me, I can't act that way with my kids. Like, if my daughter does something bad in school or messes something up, my grandmother would just go,

oh, you're so silly, Alonzo, it's okay. You know, like you said, you burn the place down, that's all right. But you can't do that with your child. And I don't know if it's just our feeling like that I need to guide them and protect them and teach them lessons, or if that doesn't really matter in the end if it's if I just was on pure or grandmother is just on pure love mode.

Yeah, I think grandparents are on pure love and they've been through it. So maybe they know though that it's that maybe you're acting too. Oh, I remember you know my sister like a lot of young parents she bought a book. Uh-huh. Right. And she's showing my mother this book and my mother was like, I raised you. Like you know, a book? Yeah. Suddenly I need a book. to raise a child, you know, and... It's not happening. No, no.

No, I don't think my mom opened that book. Yeah. I think her and the other grandmothers sit around like, and then she brought out a book. You know, that's like, that's a grandmother laugh, right? Yeah, yeah. She had a book. Child, let me tell you something about your book, you know.

But when it comes to food, though, when it comes to eating, yeah. Grandmothers, there's no healthy eating. There's no time for cupcakes or cookies. Right. Yeah, when the kid wants a cookie, then it's time for cookies. There's no, you got to have dinner first. And as a kid, you know that, right?

You know to go to grandma. You know when you're shady. You know when your game is shady. You know who to go to. Right. I feel like some burgers. Don't see Grandma tell her I need some McDonald's money. Did she live near you?

No, no. She was in South Carolina. She was. I would spend the summer down there every year. Oh, wow. And it was really funny. That must have been great. Oh, it was great because they had a farm.

They had like 30 acres. Oh, my God. Watermelons and corn. So I learned that. And my grandfather, see, he was the old school grandfather. So he was the disciplinarian. He was cool, but my grandfather, we joke about it, like, he'd have been in all kind of jail for the stuff.

But he was teaching us lessons, but he had his way, you know. Right. He was tough. You'd get down there and he'd give you a cup. And he's like, this is your cup. You ain't drinking from a new glass every time you said, you lose your cup. Yeah. You're going to be thirsty.

So you knew to protect your cup, you know, but that was like, but that's how he taught yourself. And I remember I had these two cousins from San Francisco. My aunt needs who I was talking about her kids. And those two brothers, me and my brother fought, but those two would fight. like they wanted to kill each other. Yeah.

So my grandfather just tied them together. He tied their wrists together and said, you two, you figure out how to get along. Oh, my God. And it's like it worked, you know. But yeah, he would do stuff like that. That's hilarious. That was, you know, my mother told us that my uncle got arrested for something like, you know, 16, joyriding or whatever it was. And they called the house.

And my grandfather said, I don't know why he's calling here. He figured out how to get in. He'll figure out how to get out. She said, my grandmother, like, she had to make him go down and pick up his son from Jenkins far as he's concerned. He's like, hey, you figured out how to get in. You'll figure out how to get out, you know. Would your parents come down with you or just?

No, they would send us down. Get out of the city. Right. The beginning of the summer, you think it's get out of the city. But it was, no, it was get rid of the kids. Right. now you know like oh you was so they'd send us down I would go down there in June my brother and sister would go to camp for a couple of weeks and then they'd come down right and then at the end of

summer and like the end of August all the parents you know my mother and her sisters and all they would everybody would come down to pick up their kids and we'd have like a week where the whole everyone would be there the extended family would be there and stuff so it was it was great man and she was the and she was just cooking for all you kids yeah my grandmother was a matriarch She would cook and everything. And you know, but the other thing was it was a different time, right? So they lived in this small town, but you could go to the highway, like you had a dirt road, you know, a mile or whatever to get to the highway. You could go there as a 7-8-year-old kid and hitchhike.

Wow. Because whoever picked you up knew your family. They would just ask, who are you? Right. And they'd be like, oh, I'm Annalese. My mother was Annalie. I was in there. I'm Annalise, son.

Oh, you're from New York. Yeah. jump in a truck and you could, like, you could do stuff like that. You couldn't do that now. Just like public transportation. Yeah, but back then, like everybody knew each other. So they knew, if they didn't know you, they knew someone in your family. And I'm sure there were some bad things happening, but honestly, I never heard about any.

And it was never a lost kid that I knew of. Like, it was, you know, family and friends. It was smaller. You took care of each other. And I'm sure that still exists in some places. But I was fortunate, because I got to experience. that but then I lived in New York City so I got the New York City education sure like they were fascinated that I had been on an airplane right you know to

them being on an airplane was completely out of their reality yeah you know so it was so I was lucky well that is great yeah man it sounds like such a great picture of as a kid to be able to be on this farm with the southern cooking and yeah oh I loved it I loved it down there because yeah you could just go you know It was just, it was, and again, growing up in New York, it was so different than where I, you know, came from. And when you're a kid, you don't know, like, when things are bad, like I was reading something somewhere where this guy said, we didn't know we were poor. Because the way he grew up. And, you know, so it was like that.

So now when I look back, you know, my grandfather plowed the field, he had one of those old plows with a mule pulling him, right? And instead of a tractor. But I didn't know that as a kid. I thought it was Julia. His mule was like the coolest animal in the world. He's a mule, you know? Of course. So, yeah, I still remember the name.

Yeah, right, exactly. So that naivete you have as a kid makes it all an adventure. It's all wonderful. Yeah, you know, and you don't know the difference. Yeah. Because you have an experience. But isn't it interesting that you had that, right? The sensual adventure and this thing.

Oh, man, so lucky to have had that. Because you kind of are still living that way. Like you're looking at this pandemic as well, how is this gonna be a challenge to me to go and perform? You're on your motorcycle all the time flying around. You kind of still have that sense of adventure, which who knows if you hadn't had that growing up. You might have been a city kid that was a little more protected.

Yeah, that was where I did my first motorcycle ride, you know, down there. Some guy took us on a ride. What was that bike like? It was, you know, looking back, I had to think it was like it had to be an old triumph for a BSA. Yeah, oh my God. He was a British bike.

Yeah. And he took us up and down that dirt road from the highway to the house. Just the sound, I can hear the sound of it. And I tell people like, yeah, when I get on a bike today, I'm still that seven-year-old kid on the back of a bike. I mean, it was like flying. And it really struck me. It developed a love, a passion that I've had all my life. And you do a lot of interviews, you talk to a lot of people.

I had someone interview me and I always thought to you. this was a great question, so I'm going to pose this question to you. Okay. What did you dream of as a kid that you actually do as an adult? I think it's being on stage. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. See, for me, it's the motorcycles. Right. You know, right. But I was like, yeah, that's a great question. Because when you're a kid, you want everything, you know. Right. Yeah, but the ones that hang in. Yeah. Yeah. As an adult. And I think a lot of us don't get any of it. No, I know. Right.

Right, exactly. Yeah, they don't get close to it. Yeah, so we're lucky that we get to live a kid's dream in a lot of ways. Yeah, yeah, man, that's so cool. I mean, this is why I love doing the show, because I've known you for a long time, and it all makes, but I never get a chance to ask, how did you spend your summers when you were eight years old? But it fills in so many blanks. It makes total sense that you were surrounded by all of this. And that even going out to San Francisco and meeting up with Inez and I mean that these people were were Populating your life and and helping you grow it's it's it all makes perfect sense why you're such a good guy

Yeah and you know the other thing was I was I was I don't know if loner was the right word but I did like I spent a lot of time myself in my imagination in these situations You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and that that's still true right but I was like I was introverted and I was introverted Me and my brother talked about this. You know, we were definitely introverted, but you, but experiencing, like, my parents were big on, like, yeah, read about it. Go do it. Like, that's how you learn. Like, yeah, read it.

Go, you know, go, I don't know, go do it. You know, what you're asking me for? Go find out. And it was great because you do learn more. Yeah. And again, I think that's what this generation, like a lot of it is there to protect. You know, I have a nephew like that. I was like, man, this kid, he never saw his own blood growing up.

Right. And I was like, you know, and I'm like, yeah, maybe I'm sexist, maybe I'm a dinosaur or whatever, but I think for a little boy, like, yeah, you're supposed to see your own blood now and then. You're supposed to fall off a bike or do something. Yeah, yeah, you know, that toughens you up. Yeah, yeah. I'm not saying you've got to throw them in from a moving car, but every now and then, like, little

boys, go live your life. Little boys are supposed to go outside and get hurt. And they come home, you know, oh, I used to freak my mother out with some of my injuries. Yeah. Oh, my God. But that's part of being a, that's part of toughening. That's part of the process. Yeah.

He was protected all the time, man. I got him a skateboard. And they're like, oh, you got to get them the elbow pads and the knee pads and the hip pads and the gloves and the hell. I'm like, well, then what's the purpose? Give that back. I'll give you to somebody else. Well, and by the way, my father says hello. Oh, your dad was great.

That was still so much fun. When I first saw him, it was like, wow. Yeah, at a bike rally. There's no denying Tom. I mean, your dad was just you in the future. That's all. Like, this is Tom in the future. Okay, now I know exactly how Tom's going to look.

If your wife had any question as to who she was marrying, all she had to do was meet your dad and be like, all right, now I see. Yeah, it's going to end well. It's going to look good. I don't know how I feel about that. No, he was cool, man. Yeah. In Lake George at the American, it's a big biker rally, and he still rides his motorcycles.

They did for this year. Yeah, for this year. Well, they're talking about postponing, but who knows? Again, we live in a time where, no, you can't have 30,000 motorcycle riders hit a town. No, probably not a good idea. Probably not a good idea. But he saw you there, and you were actually doing stand-up there. Yeah, I do a show, and it's my motorcycle show.

It's all we do is, it's like just make fun of bikes. So funny. Because you know how it is when you have subcultures. If you're part of it, when you get into it, you can joke about it. Right, right. Yeah. So that was good. Awesome.

Well, listen, this bread was made in a sterilized kitchen. I'm taking my bread. It was made pure. It's going, it is safe. We were both tested. We were both tested this week. We're clean. We're safe.

I'm good. I thank you. Thank you. Thanks for being on the show. This was fantastic. This is going to be a good show. It's going to be a... Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, this is fun. I think so. It's really amazing how food is the... is an entry of like into the rest of your life. And you know, we talk about this whenever we see each other, man. I love the mutual fandom and respect. Absolutely. I don't even know if you know how funny you are to all of us comics.

No. You know, really. I mean, you're one of the artists. Like, yeah, it's... Right back at you. Thank you. Right back at you. But that's...

Thanks, man. So this is fun. All right. I shake your hand. No, we don't want to freak them out. We'll kiss when the camera's off. Yeah, well, that's. Two consenting adults.

Thanks, man.