Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 206 - Caitlin Peluffo

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

Comedian Caitlin Peluffo joins the table! We hear what life opening for Matteo Lane and Fortune Feimster is like, and get into her sporty roots.  About Caitlin: Originally hailing from San Francisco, CA, Caitlin Peluffo is a comedian based in NYC. After a brief six year stint in art school studying performative video art (no, really…that’s a thing) Caitlin expanded her talents to the stage. She’s opened for comedians, Maria Bamford, Fortune Feimster, Matteo Lane, and Brian Regan. She’s been featured everywhere from the world famous Comedy Cellar in the Big Apple to clubs nationwide talking about how she came to be such a lovable loose cannon. Caitlin has been featured on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert, The Late Late Show with James Corden, 2022’s Just For Laughs Festival, and has hosted her weekly podcast, Good Time Gal with Caitlin Peluffo for over three years. She has also been featured on Comedy Central’s “Featuring” series, and has a Don’t Tell Comedy Set with over 150k views on YouTube. With Caitlin, no subject is off limits, however, she did make a promise to her mother that she would never, ever discuss that one time she took those ‘whorish, yet tastefully executed’ photos for a guy she used to bang in the military. She may be a patriot, but a promise is a promise. About Tom: Tom Papa, a celebrated stand-up comedian with over 20 years in the industry, has made significant strides in film, television, radio, podcasts, and live performances. Notably, he's a regular on "The Joe Rogan Experience" and various late-night TV shows. Papa's literary skills are evident in his books “We’re All In This Together” and "You’re Doing Great!: And Other Reasons To Stay Alive," a collection of essays, and "Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas," a comedic look at family life. His latest stand-up specials are “Tom Papa: What A Day!” and "Tom Papa: You’re Doing Great!" on Netflix. Beyond comedy, Papa's engagements extend to hosting "What A Joke With Papa And Fortune" on SiriusXM and appearing on NPR's "Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me." His love for baking led to hosting the Food Network series "Baked." As an actor, he's worked with notable figures like Rob Zombie and Steven Soderbergh and has appeared in several films and TV shows, including the HBO film "Behind the Candelabra." Additionally, Papa has contributed as a writer to projects like "Bee Movie" and various TV series. Residing in Los Angeles with his family, Papa continues to balance his professional life with personal interests like baking. Get in touch with or go see Tom live on stage! Radio, Podcasts and more: https://linktr.ee/tompapa/ Website - http://tompapa.com/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/tompapa Twitter - https://www.twitter.com/tompapa Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/comediantompapa #TomPapa #breakingbreadwithTomPapa Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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also a show. Hey. Welcome. Thank you. So nice to see you. Nice to see you. We've heard great things about your career and your, hey, I was a little late because I baked you bread.

You made bread? I don't know where you're staying or if you're staying. Or are you getting back on a plane? I'm going to eat this bread. You are. Feel it because it's piping hot. Oh. Yeah.

You could take it out if you want to look at it. I mean, just if you want to be impressed. I don't know if it's necessary. I follow you and I see you make bread. every week. Yeah. And I, oh my God, it's so hot. It's hot. Like, it might squirt you.

Wow. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. This is so beautiful. Oh. Are you in a hotel? Are you going home? What's happening? Oh, my God.

I want to slather this in butter. We have to do that, actually. We have to make that. Bring some butter. We have to make it. Yeah, we have to have butter. Cutting board. What do you think of a toaster?

I know it gets hot in here, but. If you're bringing piping hot, I don't think you need it. No, I know, but toast is so great. Cutting board, some butter. Yeah, because we should be able to eat it, right, Joe? Yes. I agree, yeah. Part of you wanted to tear it open.

Do it. Should I? Would we all have a little bit of bread? Well, let's see how the conversation goes. Okay, you know what? Let's see if you earn it. And also, Kira's allergic to bread, which is so weird that she's... I'm allergic to fun.

And fun. Like any kind of fun, like any kind of good time or happiness. She's doing a thing where she only eats meat. Oh, wow. Only meat. Keto. Yeah, basically. Yeah.

A hardcore, angry keto. Okay. Yeah. Raw meat? No. Oh, my gosh. Although I'm not opposed to a little potpaccio. Yeah.

They call it tartar. Tar. Tar. No, I just, you know. And the thing is, he brings it up every time I'm, I want to be in the closet sometimes. Maybe I want her to like me for me first. Right.

And you, you know, you out me. But here's the thing. Within seconds. Here's the thing. I want her to get to know me. an inside person. You're an outside person. That's true.

Your inside comes outside very quickly. When Caitlin got here, all the way from New York, she walks in here, she knows for a fact when she walks through the store that you eat nothing but meat. No, she does not.

She might not have thought it right away, but if we didn't say anything on her way home, she'd be like, why did she smell like meat? I want us to connect first. It's like dating. Right? You don't come out and be like, I leave dirty underwear on the floor in the bathroom, right? You want to like ease into that.

Okay. And show my best side. Well, if it makes you feel better, I've been on this crazy diet for four months where I have 150 grams of protein a day. Okay. So I am only eating meat. What do you mean by that? What does that mean? That means I eat a lot of meat.

I've been trying to become like a bodybuilder type. Uh-huh. I've lost 30 pounds. You look very skinny. Thank you. Everybody say it. But I did. But I had to do 150 grams of protein a day, 1,600 calories.

Whoa. I'm not Canadian. So what is 150 grams? Tell me in ounces. That's like you need to have. A calculator. I don't know. Joe, you look it up.

What do you, like what does that mean? Is that a few eggs? Is it some steaks? No, 150? No, that's a lot. It's like I have to have like a chicken breast with every meal. Okay. A raw chicken breast.

Not raw. No, not raw. Oh, my God. A hole. A hole. Okay. A whole chicken breast, like an eight-ounce chicken breast with every meal. Oh, but that's not that much.

Well, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It's a lot for people that eat normally. Maybe not to meat eaters. Okay. Wow, that's amazing, 30 pounds. Yeah. Do you feel better? I feel great.

Yeah. Yeah, I feel great. My double chin is pretty much gone. I don't see any chin. Thank you so much. I have no chin. I've done it. I didn't.

I don't know anything to compare it to. So you just look like you're thriving. Thank you. You. Okay. That's all I want. She always looked like she's thriving. She always has a lot of energy. We did the thing together. I've actually been meaning to say this to you. We did a taping of a show, which I don't think we should talk about it because they're going to pitch it and stuff. Yeah.

So it's top secret. Top. You don't get to know. I know. Meat eaters don't get to know. Yeah. Only people that eat bread can know this. Too late. But I was in New York and we were filming and it was, I was busy like coming in to film and whatever. But you every night were bopping out to go to the cellar and go do spots and then come back the next morning and do our show. And it was really a bit of a marker for me because 15 years ago, I'm not going back to my hotel room.

I'm going to the cellar to do some spots. And now I was like, I think Daddy needs to rest. Daddy had a busy day. Yeah. I'm going to think, let's just relax a little bit. But I, and I remember clocking, oh, this is just, it's just pure energy. You just have pure energy. Well, also that and fear.

Yeah. You've created your career. You can go back to your hotel room and relax. Right. And I'm like, if I don't do every spot, no one's going to book me anymore. I don't want it enough. I'm never going to make it. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Let's talk right off the top about why you are out here in California touring around and showing up on your friends' podcasts and TV shows and stuff. You have a new special. Yes. Yay. Thank you. It's an album.

Okay. That's special. Don't. It is a special album. It's called Dirty Bird. Yes. Out March 8th. March 8th.

Yes. And where can people find it? Spotify. Spotify. iTunes, you can pre-order it right now and get some free bonus tracks. Nice. And then I'm going to be putting clips on YouTube. Very cool.

Yes. Congratulations. Thank you. Where'd you do it? I did it at the San Francisco Punchline. Oh. Home City. Yes.

That's where you grew up? That's where I grew up. That's where I grew up. Really? Well, I grew up in San Bruno. Oh, here we go. What's wrong with that? We have the airport.

What's wrong with San Bruno? Nothing. Everything's fine. Crystal Springs Boulevard. I get it. Oh, Suzanne Summers. Oh, it's fancy. It's fine.

It's fancy. San Bruno is not fancy. Oh, it's not fancy. This is okay. This is okay. It's what people do. They say San Francisco and then they say Fremont. It's a lot.

Okay. Well, it's more, I feel like first off, we do have the airport. You do. So San Francisco Airport is in San Bruno. Yes. So we get a little bit more of a claim than like Daily City. Sure. I grew up in New Jersey and I tell people in New York. There you go.

I mean, that's a different state. Completely different. That is actually not. I'm sorry. I was just supporting you and now you're attacking me. That's not what I'm doing. All right. I'm not saying I'm from San Francisco and I live in Oregon.

It's the same. It's the same. No, no. But when people, when I say Bay Area, people go, what is that? Yeah. Because that's what I am from. It's the Bay Area. Right.

Yeah. And then they don't know. So I say San Francisco. And then if someone's like, oh, I was in, I go, San Bruno, but we have the airport. Get off my back. Right. It's fine. I will allow it.

Thank you. That's where you grew up. That's where I grew up. So was at your home club? I actually started in New York. Nice. But I, you smoke? No, he does not.

He's being dramatic. Okay. Because we made fun of Jersey. I'm just interested in what you're saying. So Parisian. When we're in. New York, that's how we do. That's where we do. Anyway, but yeah, it was like the club I would go to him.

All my family would come whenever I did like little short sets there. Oh, cool. And so then I got to do a full weekend there and I was like, well, let's just do the album. Oh, nice. That's great. My family came. My cousin sat in the front. It was very uncomfortable.

Your parents like you being a comedian? Yes. My dad loves it. My mom is thrilled. Nice. Is she funny? They're both funny. They're both funny.

They're both funny. My mom is like a thinker funny. and my dad is a fart joke funny. Love it. Love both. It's a good combo. It's kind of like our podcast. Okay.

All right. Someone's got to be the fart. You got to do a pull my finger. That's what my dad did on their first date. Pull my finger. Pull my finger. She didn't know what it was and she pulled it and he farted and she was like, I'm going to marry this man.

That's pretty amazing. You have brothers and sisters. Two sisters, older sister, younger sister. Oh, nice. Yeah, three girls. Girls are the best, right, Tom? I love girls. They're the best. And where'd you go to school in San Bruno?

I went to Cappuccino High School. Oh my gosh. You know Capp? Yes. Oh, my God. Of course. We ran cross country. Oh.

Against you guys. Yeah. Were we good? What do you mean? Yeah, that sounds about right. Did you run? Yes. Really?

But I was terrible too. So it was fine. You should have come to camp. I was wonderful. I was always second to last in cross country. And then at the last moment, I didn't want to be last. last. So I would just book it. You know, I got 200 yards to go. Great. I'll go. But I would always help the last person, whoever it was. So this is why I wasn't good at sports because I would feel

bad if someone was losing. Right. I'd be like, come on, you can do it. Don't give up. And if they'd start to walk, I was like, come on, I'm here with you. Meanwhile, it's because I wanted to walk. And I'm so slow. And everyone's already done. The kids in my, they were already on the bus, ready to go home. And they're like, Soltanovich. And so, and then I'd be, I've been, like, come on, you can do it. There's the finish line. I'll see you there. And then just so I wouldn't come in last last.

That's great. I would just run like crazy. I think that's so sweet. I love that. That is cute. Not a good athlete. I would be on first base telling the other kids, you're going to be okay. Yeah.

You know, you guys are down by two, but look, you have a good hitter up right now. Like coaching them. Why did you end up running cross country if you? We had to do a sport. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

But it wasn't like for a grade. It was just, it was after school. school extracurricular. We had to, I went to a crazy school. And you were a figure skater? What? Right? Yes, I was actually the hippo in Plantasia.

No. Were you really a figure skater? No, no, no, I played soccer. I was a huge jock. I can see that. You were a huge jock. Huge jock played in high school. I played volleyball, soccer, and track.

And then growing up, I played basketball, softball. Wow. Would you run in track? I did hurdles. Hurdles. Hurtles. Was so. stupid because I did hurdles,

shot put, and discus. So it was basically the big strong bitch, also leaping. Running hurdles? See, that's unheard of. Yeah, but my dad coached hurdles. And so he wanted me to do it. And I did it.

And I was very bad. I was pretty good at her shot put and discus very bad at hurdles. And he was like, no, Kate, you can do it. I dated a hurdler in high school and she was 6-1. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Five-eight on a good date. Yeah. That's amazing. It just feels like you're setting yourself up to fail. Yes. I have fallen. The name is blocking. Stop it.

No. Don't come here. You know. What's embarrassing, it's an embarrassing fall. It is. Things are rattling and clanking and, yeah. And then you get in the way of other people. You're like, I'm sorry.

And then it hurts. They don't say this, but it hurts. You hit your knees. You hit the thing. Your elbows hit the bar. I did the 300 hurdles. which is the most exhausting thing you can do. Oh, God, that's horrible.

And you're running. And by the last one, you're just crawling over it. And then basically just tumbleweedsing over the finish. It's awful. I used to do shot put and discus. A little top heavy boy. Yeah. Exactly.

We were just talking about that. I was like, why is my top so much bigger than my little bottom? And then they'd want me to want me to. to run the 400 relay at the end. Oh my God. And I would hide in the pole vault pits while they were picking people. I would go hide in the pole vault pits with my friends and try to make sure, hope that they didn't find me and pick me because that was a horrible thing to run.

But then to do what hurdles in the middle of it is really insane. It's torture. Were you funny in high school? I was obnoxious. Yeah. Yeah. I was almost funny. Uh-huh.

You know, it was like I wasn't making jokes, but I was being the class class. clown, making people laugh. Yeah. You know, I was more of my dad. Right. Pull my finger. I went to college, became more of my mom. Right.

And now I'm a perfect combination of both. That's awesome. Did you date in high school? And I'm asking this because she's going to get married to Stephen Rogers. Yes. Great comedian. Yes. And I want to see, if you don't mind me, prying what your dating life was before you got to

Stephen. Well, it was a mess. It was. Yeah, it was a mess. High school, I was so boy crazy. I was, because I was such a jock that I was like, I got to prove everybody, but I'm not gay. So I'm going to suck all the dicks. Good for you.

Thank you so much. I was quite the troll-up in high school. But then, and in college. Nice. This morning. So no steadies during all that time? I had a few steadies. Grad school, I had a real steady.

And then that end. ended badly. Right. He was, I don't know if I, well, he got arrested for taking upscirt photos. For what? For what? Upskirt. Upskirt photos on the train.

Oh. Wow. He was dating you? Yes. No. Yes. And don't worry. I stayed.

How long did you stay? I stayed. I think we, it ended like six months after that, but. Wait. So how did you find out? He didn't come home one night. Right. We were supposed to meet and he didn't get come home.

Uh-huh. But he told me he didn't. do it. Okay, to be fair. He said he didn't do it and then he pled guilty. Okay. So he walks in and says, where were you last night? And you're like, I'm, I, and he says I was, I got arrested. He got arrested. Well, he wouldn't tell me what for for like two days. Uh-huh. Because he was so embarrassed, I guess. But I was freaking out because he, we were supposed to mean at this bar and have dinner and then go home. Right. And he just didn't show up. And I was like, this is so unlike him. Yeah. And so I went searching for him. I thought he got robbed. Oh my God.

I couldn't sleep. I was so upset. And then my friend had a friend in the police department. And so he called. And she was like, oh, yeah, he's at the 14th precinct or something like that. And I was like, really? Oh, okay. Yeah.

Jeez. Is he selling these photos? What is he doing just for his own funsies? I guess so. I did find some. Camera or phone? It was back in the day when it was like an iPod touch that had a camera on it. Oh, right.

Yes. Yeah, and so he got arrested by undercover cops, and then he threw it onto the tracks. And so they thought that was an admission of guilt. But they never, I don't think they recovered the pictures from the thing. Yeah. So I was like, you should fight it because if they don't have anything to say that you were taking those pictures. Right. But then he pled guilty.

And then now he's a sex offender. I don't know if he's on the list or not. Did he ever give you an explanation of why he was doing it? Like what did he ever say? No, he probably to the day claims he didn't do it. Right. Which I would too. Yeah.

I don't know. Definitely, definitely to my girlfriend. Yeah. I did find some like questionable pictures. Uh-huh. Like on his laptop or something? Yeah, I was on like a flash drive, but it wasn't, um, on train upscrut photos. Right.

The thing is. Just out in the wild. Out in the wild. And I was like, that's not great. And then we broke up like a week later. Did you, when you look back at it, like when you've, after it all kind of settled where you like, oh yeah, I can see it? Or no, totally out of the...

I honestly, I was with him for like three years, and I could go both ways. Right. Because we ended so badly that I'm like, I apparently didn't know this person at all. Yeah. It goes both ways. I get very confused about it.

Look, I'm not trying to judge this guy that took pictures of girls shirts. I'm not trying to judge you. No, this guy. But not a great choice. Like, if you're going to be... be a pervert. There are better ways to be gross. Like trains.

Okay, so you're not getting a good, like trains move and they stop and they start and there's people shuffling around. Like, you're not getting a clear picture. Do you know what I mean? So what are you, I'm assuming snapping it off to these pictures. What do you do? You know what I mean? It's kind of, you didn't think this through.

I don't know because the way you're describing it is kind of exciting. I think it's on a shoe, right? Usually, like, they put it on their shoe or something. Oh, no, they just lean forward. It just lean forward. Yeah, people are holding the thing and you're just sitting on the bench. And then you're like, like you're reading something. I'm just assuming.

I'm just assuming. It's how you would do it. I've been trying this joke for so long. No one ever laughs. Let's do it. Let's hear it. We're going to do it. It's like, upscar photos is just the most pathetic of the sex crimes.

Yeah. Because you're by yourself. You're pretending to text someone else. There's no one there. It's really just you're, alone be like can I have a peek like I just want to look you know right no gumption there's no commitment in that's what I'm saying right now is if you're going to be a weirdo do it like under better like think it through yeah do you know what I mean my thing is it's

the the train's shaken you stop you start how are you getting like a good clear picture I just feel like I don't know I don't know what it's like you're being a technical stage I'm just saying, yes. It sounds like a nightmare. Yes. So what's your suggestion? What would you replace it with? Find a better way to be a weirdo.

Like how? I don't have a penis, so I can't think with that right now. Well, then I'm going to say, with all due respect, that you should take everything back that you've said. These guys are weirdos, they're pervy. Yeah. And anything that they can do to feel like they're getting something. That's why, you know, guys are creepos. They're masturbating on trains.

They're exposing themselves and running away. Like, there's, it's a weird, demented thing. I've had both of those things happen. And I just, like, it was on Sunset Boulevard both times. Right. A guy just, like, opened his car door and was completely walking home from the comedy store one night. Just no pants. And I had, what's that?

What did you say? Nothing. And I was like, are you Caitlin's boyfriend? Yeah. And I just had zero reaction. I just, I looked and I went, ugh. Yeah. Zero reaction.

What it happens. They're out there. That's what he wants. He wants the, ugh. Yeah, because, because here's the thing. He has a girlfriend at home. Yeah. Like, this isn't, this is a different.

This is a different. Yeah, this is a different thing. It's different. He has that. Right, right, right. And now this is just, you know. An extra. An extra.

Interesting hobby. Bonus puss. But it was, he won a bonus push. And, That always, even when I was a teenager, watching movies, it was happening in movies a lot where a kid would be on the bleachers and they'd be looking up the skirts of a girl. Even when I was like in eighth grade, I was like, that's lame. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like there's like, to your point. And it's also the worst angle. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. And what do you see? Oh, God. It's like a double chin of the. It is.

Sex organs. 100%. Yeah. There are way better ways to, to catch one. Yeah. Action. Now let me ask a possibly sensitive question. Okay. Knowing what you know now after being with him for three years, what are the odds that Stephen Rogers is doing the same thing on the New York subway system? I would say zero.

Zero. He has so much anxiety. Right. That he would be, he sits on the train like, no one look at me. No one look at me. No one look at me. I'm just sitting here. My hands are to myself. Don't look at me. He does, he is an anxious fellow. He's an anxious fellow. I love him. He's a sweetheart. He's great.

He's so funny. Very good with puns. Mm-hmm. Yes, he's my punny boy. And, but yeah, he would, that is one thing with Steve. One time I was like, he was on his phone. And I was like, he's looking at, there's nothing but tits on his phone. And I looked.

I'm not proud of it, but I looked. He was in the shower and I looked and he was reading comic books. I was like, wow, Caitlin, you're never doing this again. And I just put it to the side and I was like, we're going to trust you. Well, my husband was in the bathroom. And I hear like this crazy music. And it was so 70s bound, jicabound, but like so obviously over the top kind of porn sounding. Yeah.

And I'm knocking on the door. I'm like, what the hell are you listening to? It was very, if you were to, hey, I need some music for like this erotic scene. Yeah. And he's blasting. I go, excuse me, there are children in this house. What are you doing? And he opens a door and it's ESPN.

And they just have this like highlight reel that's like, ah, ah, like it's so he's like, here, you can watch it. It's the same music that I just heard, but it's football. And I go, all right, just finish what you're doing. I don't care anymore. Yeah, like, what am I even paranoid about? It's just highlights from a game. But you have to be on somewhat high alert after you date a guy like that. Well, yeah, that was early 20s.

Now I am in 30s. Okay. And so I've had... You're wiser. I've punished the boys who came after him. Yeah. And now, Steve, I've evened out. And I've had some great men.

I've had some bad men. And now Stephen is just right. Yeah, solid. But you can marry a comic. Yes. I did. Have you thought this through? Yeah.

Have you? I love it. Stop. Have you really thought this through? I mean, it's great. Okay. Because I did after midnight last night and I got someone who knew my perspective so well to text me a bunch of jokes. Uh-huh.

And I was like, right. So you have an extra writer. That's true. That's true. That's great. Okay. And he works clean. So all of his dirty jokes are just going to me.

Right. Right. Okay. Okay. I'm only seeing upside so far. Yeah. Okay. I am also a person who loves being alone.

Like I need alone time. And so we spend four to five days together during the week and then off on our own directions. Either one of us is on the road or one of us is home or something. And we get two to three days alone. And it's wonderful. I'm sold. We never get sick of each other. I should have.

I mean, the real problem with two comedians together is the odds are, one of you is going to be really dark and troubled, right? Just in the comedian pool. I mean, present company excluded. But that's a danger, having someone who's a little, you know, dark. And then also progressing at different times, at different things in your career, wanting things, whatever, and not having it at the same time.

But those things for Cynthia and I, before she had babies and downshifted. It was so much fun. We had the same schedule. We could go out on Mondays. We were just like, you understood it. If someone had to get up and leave and go do a spot,

it wasn't, if you were with a regular person, they'd be like, why are you leaving my family right now? This is our dinner. Like there were so many more benefits to it. They understand the need, you know? Yeah.

Right. Oh, SD said I got to, okay. I'll see you later. get the check you can just memo me yeah right exactly it's a very nice calm understanding and then career wise we're very lucky in that we're so different that we can't really get the same things right we both have late nights which is nice yeah but now it's like our fan bases are so different right he's squeaky clean and i am a filthy monster you so who's in your fan base um disgusting human beings and gay men a lot and gay men are the best really oh i love a gay man

Why do they find you? Because you're mean? Because I open for Mateo Lane. Ah. I open for Mateo Lane and Fortune Feimster. And so the gay men and lesbians. Right. Oh, that's interesting.

Your new superwoman physique, is that because of Mateo's sister and Mateo's? No, no. I got, I was inspired by Mateo. Whenever I go on the road with Mateo, it's the healthiest I've ever eaten in my life. Right. And then Fortune, it's like the opposite. Right. Because she just gets sent cookies and ice cream by her fans. And she doesn't eat all of it.

And so I get the leftovers. Do you want this? I'm not going to eat it. Okay. You know, it's Benadjuries. We got six pints of ice cream from Bedingeries. Oh, my. Oh, my God.

And I am poor above anything else. So I was like, I'll take them. I got to take them. Can I get these back to the, back to New York? Wow. Give me a little mini freeze. freezer. I'll take it. But with Mateo, he gets his meal sent to him. He does? Yes. No way. Delivery. Yes. Like, follow him on the road? Yeah. Yeah, they get him sent. They'll ship him anywhere. They'll ship him anywhere. Really? Yeah. I know a lot of people that,

a comic, I don't know, I don't want to out him, but he had them shipped to him wherever he was. Really? Yeah. So we roll into San Diego and we get to the hotel and my food's there. Yeah. As long as you do it with enough time. Absolutely. Not a problem. Yeah. We would get there and he would be like, is the fridge upstairs with my food?

And he said, yep. Yeah. Really? And then he would get extra and I would eat with him. And so watching him build muscle, it seemed manageable on the road. Right. So I was like, okay, I can do this. And I met my trainer.

Yeah. And she's a boxer. And she was also a nutritionist. And so I hired her for three months. And I'm, again, poor above anything else. Right. So I did everything she said to a T because I was like, if I'm paying for this, I'm going to look the way I want to look.

Wow. And so it's been great. Now, when I'm not smoking, you're not right now. I'm in the green room. You're not in a green room. There's some things. My green room is very healthy, but there's a couple things that, there's two things on it that have to get off of it. Yeah.

Right? Chips? We have a bag of chips. And then we have nuts. which are good, but they're salted. Okay. And both of those, it's so funny, if you have one little thing that you shouldn't, it's like we have crudette and fruit and that kind of stuff,

which I know you don't eat, but it's, for other people, it's healthy. And I see a bag of chips. I just, I can't, I have to eat a couple of them at least. Yeah. And it's like that thing of like bringing them into the house. It's like, why are they on the rider? Why are they there? Yeah, just take them off.

Yeah. Tell them you need a steak. Yeah, maybe a chicken breast, one chicken breast. One chicken breast. Mm-hmm. And some broccoli and then some brown rice. You're set. Man, oh, man.

That's the perfect meal. But never eat more than your fist of rice. Of rice. Yes. Yeah, I was doing that last night. I made a stir fry last night. Mm-hmm. And I screwed up the tofu.

But brown rice, and it's like just a little bit. Mm-hmm. Just a little bit. A little half scoop at Chipotle is what I get. Can I tell you a funny road story that happened to us this week? Does it involve diarrhea? Almost. Close.

Very close. And yes. The precipice of. Please tell me. No, there's nothing to do with diarrhea. It has to do with Abraham Lincoln over there, working the board. Okay. Hey, baby, baby.

We went, he, Joey is, his real name's Joey. Abraham Lincoln was with us on the road. and he's road managing and helping out and doing all the stuff. And we had a, we got to Palm Desert from San Diego and we had just three hours before the show. But you need a hotel because you got to recuperate and do whatever. And then we're flying, we're driving back that night. But so, you know, it's what you got to do. You got to just pay for the hotel.

Abraham Lincoln had a room as well. And he sat in his. his room. He was like, he came to me at the show. He goes, I don't understand what you guys did for three hours. I was like, what do you mean what we did? What do you mean? He goes, like, where'd you go? I kept waiting for you to come to the hotel. I was like, we were in the, what? He said, I thought we were all going to hang out in the room before the show. So I just waited for you guys to come. You didn't go into the room? He was in the room sitting. Thinking, waiting, thinking, thinking at any moment we were going to come in and all hang out on the bed before the show.

He had to change and he changed in the bathroom because he didn't want us to see him when we walked in. Oh my God. He doesn't think you're doing well. He thinks you got one hotel room for all three of us. Is that the funniest? That's so funny. Poor guy. I laughed so hard.

Holding in his farts. Just waiting. Just sitting there. Not taking his pants off. looking up girl's skirts. We laughed about that the whole ride home. That just tickled me so much. So funny.

And I thought she were going to tell her about our trek through the mountains. That's why I said almost diarrhea. Oh, almost throwing up, right. Almost diarrhea. Oh, you almost got sick. Oh, I did. Well. We ended up on this crazy road, which Joe's dad, we saw Joe's dad.

He came to the show in Palm Desert. He did not want to talk about the show or how funny we were. His dad just wanted to talk about the route we talked. took from San Diego to Palm Desert and how, what a mistake it was. Oh, no. It was pure hell. And this is coming from two people like yourself who travel a lot. Yeah.

Under weird circumstances, in a state you've never been in, in a rental car that's crappy. Yeah. This was by far one of the strangest. It just kept going higher and higher into the mountains. All of a sudden, my ears popped. Oh, God. And I lost my equilibrium. I'm like, where are we?

And then we were just lying like these weird start. Trek Mountains. When we first started, we were like, oh, we're getting off the freeway. Oh, cute. No, no, no, no. No, we were on the freeway. You may. May I? Yes. When we first started, we got in the car and I said, why are you using ways? That's a horrible app. It takes you through hell to save 30 seconds. Yes. And you said, ha, ha, ha. I'm a Google Maps till I die. Me too. Okay. I will use a Google Maps when it's a appropriate. What are these? These are pastries?

Those are donuts for you. Are you serious? Yeah. I'm sorry to do this because you're so skinny. Thank you, but that means I can have at least one. But I didn't think that ways would betray us as much as they did. Oh, those look good. They always betray you.

No. They take you on horrible roots to save 30 seconds, or they take you to a part of the city where people who don't like you live. That's true. Is that a good way to say that? They will do that. this one. Well, we had such an adventure.

We're our plates. And we... Oh, there's plates there. Oh, I started using this guy. Oh, please, go ahead. I'm so excited. I don't have sugar and I'm like... Yeah, we wanted to get you something nice.

If it's on screen, it doesn't count, right? No, it doesn't go in. It negates. If you sit on red, it negates it too. So that's perfect. So good. Last night after the tape... Oh, my mouth is full. I'm so sorry.

You're doing great. But after the night, After the taping last night, we went out to dinner. We went to an Italian place and I ate all of the food. You did. I was like, I want pizza. Yeah. And I want fried artichokes.

Mm-hmm. And I want, I believe, I got whipped ricotta. I like that, though. You need a little reward after doing something. Like you fly all the way out here, you do a TV show. Mm-hmm. You got to get a little treat for yourself. Yeah, I was nervous.

The other two had done shows like that before. Uh-huh. And I was the one that was like, what is the worst? Why are she yelling at me? And she's just counting down. doing her job and I'm like, it's so nice. It's very stressful. Yeah, being on TV. Yeah, but then I had a glass of wine and it all went away. Oh, that's amazing. Afterwards, I had that glass of wine afterwards. I've been trying to get Stephen on the road to eat new things. I've done a good job. I keep sending

pictures to you and be like, look what our little boy is doing now. He's having an oyster. He had never had a shrimp before. No. Yes. Never had a shrimp. What? Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't like, he's a very texture-oriented person. That's like Jay Leno. Jay Leno has never had soup. Never had soup.

Never had soup. Yeah. It freaks them out. I don't understand. I don't understand either. You're drinking things. No, no hot beverages. He doesn't drink coffee or tea or hot cocoa.

No, he doesn't consume any hot liquids. Wild. So he just has chocolate milk? Yes, pretty much. Yeah. Milk shakes for sure. I mean, yeah. He liked the things.

He liked the oyster. Yeah. The thing is, whenever I'll try it first. And then I'll be like, you are going to like this. You have to try it. And then he'll try it. And that's how I got him to try Barada. I was like, you are going to love this.

He's like, no, it's so weird looking. It's soft in the middle. And I was like, you're going to love it. On your trip to Italy? Oh, we had it. I made him eat it long before then. Oh, okay. I was like, in Italy, we're going to eat all the cheese.

Yeah. We got to warm you up. And he loved it. Now he has Barada all the time. Stephen and I were in Key West. Yeah. And Caitlin said to Stephen, I feel like Tom really fits in Florida. Yes, 100%.

And I, 100%? Well, I see that for sure. You do? Yeah. Because I took it as an insult. No. No. Joe, someone said you look like you belong in Florida.

What would you think? I'd be insulted, yeah. I'm not saying Orlando. Okay. And I said, I said to Stephen, well, he said it like, like you're saying it, like, Hey, here's a compliment. Caitlin said, you look like you belong in Florida. I was like, what is, I am offended.

You're always wearing a fun hat. We asked for clarification. And she said, no, I just see him on a beach in a Hawaiian shirt and a fedora. So I got insulted in double. Well, I don't even see it because of the things that you wear. I think that's, yeah, that adds to it. That helps, right? You will fit in aesthetically, right?

You have a little, not a Tommy Bahama vibe, but it's there. It's adjacent. It's like Jersey had a Tommy Bahama section. Yes. You know what I mean? It's not like, you know, Margaritaville. That's not you. You're classy guy.

But it's more, I could see you in Key West again. Yes. You know, we're not talking, like, I'm not saying Miami. That's not you. But Key West, for sure. Boca Raton? Sure. If someone was like, you're a Boca boy.

I don't know. how to feel about this. No, if you were like, I want to make an investment, I see you buying a boat. Why not? Why not? You're going to hire someone, a really nice kid, local kid to, you know, do all the sailing for you. I bet I see you on one of those.

Sinatra went to Florida. For sure. Right. So that's why I was thinking Sinatra vibes in Florida. Got you. And you said this shirt reminds you of your. My nono. Your nono.

I think my nono had that shirt. Really? That might have been his. Albus Palufo. Albus Palufo. That was your. That's a good name. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Italian as you get. Yeah. So was that your upbringing? Was it a lot of Italian and grandparents? Well, kind of. There was, in true Italian form, there was a fight in the family. And so a grudge was started between my dad and my dad for 18 years.

Oh, wow. 18 years? Yeah, they don't mess around those Italians. So your father and that's father's son? Yeah, father's son. My dad, I don't know what exactly happened. Like home alone? Something like that.

Yeah. And so we were very close with my mom's side of the family. Is she Italian too? No. No. She was anything. So you had 18 years of not getting all the Italian food from Nana? Well, my Nonna.

She was like, forget this, grudge. I'm seeing my grandchildren. Yeah. So I saw my Nani all the time. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, Lillian Palufo. Ah, I love that. Actually, her last name was great.

Mazzaro. Mazzaro. Oh, isn't that good? That sounds like a line of cookies. I mean, Lillian Mizarro? What a name. You're going to pick up the Mazzaro's for tomorrow. Who's getting the Mazzaro's?

Is this a celebration or what? It's a birthday. Come on. Someone's going to get a different Zarros. When I first started comedy, I was like, I don't want to use Pallufo. I want to use Mizarro. And then I had this intrusive thought that was like, no, they're going to call you Bizarro Mizarro. I was like, we're not going to do that.

We're going to go with Pallufo. The trauma of like second grade never goes away, does it? No. You're like, oh, the kids will call me this. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. So did you, did she, was she a good cook? Great cook.

Yeah. She made yoki every Thanksgiving. Wow. Yoki ravioli, every Thanksgiving. Oh, my God. She was such a good cook. Oh, my God, her gravy. My mom still tries to make it, you know, and it's great.

It's delicious, but it takes five hours. Right. It takes so long, and it's so good. Oh, that's amazing. I miss her cooking. Yeah. But then my non-o, after she passed, he started. started getting into baking and he would make his own biscody.

Oh, really? Yes. Oh, I've been making that. Yeah, they're great. It's fun to make. It's not that hard. It's, I mean, it's the hard texture, but it's, yeah, it's not that difficult. He had a good garden in the background, so he made persimmon biscotti.

Geez. I love this guy. Why was like, why were they fighting for so long? Well, they made up. Yeah. Yeah, they made up and then they got really close. Yeah, that's good. It was nice.

It was nice to see. But, yeah, you know, it was about money. And then I'm sure at the end, he was like, whoa, what were we doing? It's so silly. Yeah. Always, you're crazy. Yeah, I know. It's so stupid.

It's so stupid. Like, you can't just figure that out. Yeah. And just be like, what are we doing here? Yeah. It was so weird. But then my sister graduated from college and he came to her graduation party. And that was the big.

Oh, yeah. We're back. Oh, that's great. And so it was a beautiful moment. Well, pretend that they weren't crying. Exactly. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, no, dad's just hiding in the bathroom.

It's fine. But it was like that, I'm like, whenever I think about that, I sometimes if I get angry about it, I just remember that moment. And it's like, no, no, no, that was lovely. Yeah. Let's put him in that moment. You know, because you love Christmas. I love Christmas more than anything.

More than anything. The home alone scene I'm talking about is when they're in the church. Yes. The old guy. And McCauley's telling him, you got to, because he's having a fight with his son. and they're not allowed to see the grandkids in that beautiful scene. Yeah. And that makes me cry that scene.

Yeah. That'll get you. I know. But maybe it's just hidden close to home. Yeah. Pick me up, Nano. Right. Why do you love Christmas?

Like, what is it? What is it? Because she's burying an elf. It's the, what is it? I would dress him up if you would let me. I love the lights. I love the cooking. I love,

The family time, the decorations. It's not to live. And also, it just brings New York to life. Yeah. It's the best time in New York, I think. It's so fun. And then I always go home. We have two trees.

It's a, we live up in the mountains. Sometimes it snows. Yeah. It's just really wonderful. Bless you. I ate that donut so fast. I'm having makeups down. See how I'm allergic to a good time.

Do you see you start sneezing? Because when this Christmas was over, this just a few months ago. For me, I was like, oh, thank God this is over. So we are completely different. Well, you're also under assault. What do you mean? Because of the kids?

Because of what your husband does on that block. Oh, God. What happens? It's a lot. She's on one of those Christmas tree lighting blocks. I'm sorry. That's too much. Yeah.

And it's a lot of Hollywood people like set designers, and so everybody's really competitive and have real connections. I'm so sorry. There's like, you know, happening all the time. Like a real human comes down, like a real, you know, like they make it so big over the top. And it's the same for Halloween. Halloween and Christmas on our street in our little neighborhood is insane.

And my husband does not stop. Yeah. So it's like every year there's something new, but instead of taking one thing away, it's just another. I know what you're thinking right now. What's wrong with that? I'm thinking that too. But she was raised Jewish. So it's a big thing.

Oh, I see. Yeah, that's got to be bizarre for you. I still know. We grew up with Christmas. I mean, just. Not really. You decorated a house plant. I did.

Because your parents wouldn't celebrate Christmas. Yes. When I was a kid. That is so sad. It wasn't even a real plant. That's sadder than my nono. Not loving me. I wish it was a house plant because at least a plant is alive.

It was these 70s feathers that I made into a Christmas tree when I was a kid because we didn't celebrate. But, but she could, she found a little. little decoration and put it on the feather and pretended that she didn't know how it got there to let her parents know that Christmas magic had arrived. I also... It's real. It's real. I also wrapped things that I already owned and put them under the tree so that I would have

present. This is the saddest thing I have ever heard. This is sadder than upskirt photos. The only thing it's not sadder than is sitting in a Springfield Hill. sweet waiting for the headliner. That's true. To come and be his friend. That is.

So sad. I'll never move that down. Yeah, but I love it. I do love it. But when it's over, I am thrilled. Yeah. I am so happy.

How long do you keep the decorations of? I keep it up until February. February. I give myself the month of January. Yeah. And then I... You're not kidding. You're not serious.

We do too. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. too short. It's so short. I love the tree. I love the lights.

I got a balsam hills. Yeah, very nice. With the lights attached? Nice attached. Oh, nice. Put it up October 29th. Oh, my God. I love Christmas.

That's how we bonded. I started playing Christmas music. That's right. Getting ready for this secretive show. Yeah. And you were very into it. And I was like, yes, I knew I liked Tom. This is great.

We're bonded. Yeah, it was very. exciting. Yeah. Yeah, what's wrong with Christmas? I love Christmas. The thing is, you're forgetting because your daughters are older and they just want money. Okay. And, and you don't have kids yet. Are you going to have kids? Yeah, we're going to have cats. Okay. So when you have kids, let's let's come back to this table. We'll bring some more donuts and you'll be like, oh my God, I'm losing my mind. There's no way. She is going to be, it's going to take her love of Christmas. And it's going to skyrocket it.

Okay. Because now you don't seem like such a weirdo. Yeah. When you are setting up a village under the tree. Yeah. You're like, it's for the kids. I was looking on Etsy to see if any villages went on sale in the off season. Oh.

And then I think my boyfriend would kill me if I was like, we have to store this too in our very small apartment. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we had to store an $800 Christmas tree and he was like, but he didn't complain. He just helped me. He was very sweet. He's very supportive. Yes.

Funniest thing that Steve did on the road. Very Abraham Lincoln-esque. Oh, God. I forget where we were going. I forget. I'll just make it up. We were going from Pennsylvania to Florida. And it was a very small airport and we went through security.

We're the only two people there. And I go through security and then I'm waiting. I'm like, what happened? There's no one else there in line. Where is he? He had booked a floor. from a different airport. What?

A completely different airport. What? Yeah. He was just waving to me from the other side of security, like, I'm sorry. Go on without me. Oh, he didn't know until he got there. Until he took his shoes off and was going through security. They were like, oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Isn't that great? It was so funny. Oh, yeah. No, that is Steve to a team. Yeah, it was like a Pennsylvania. or West Virginia. It was like something like that.

Yeah. So he went out of like a regional? Yeah. Or were you out of the regional? We were both out of a regional, but he, he bought a ticket for a different regional. Yeah. And showed up, no. He got a rental car and drove to Atlanta.

What was in Atlanta? I think he was going to see his family. I think our gigs were over. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, that's what we're, yeah. So he was done with work. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. So he made everything. He did all the. Yeah. He didn't, yeah, it didn't lose. lose a gig. That's how it is with Steve.

He focuses so much in making sure he gets there, does a good job. Yes. And then everything else is like, well, I assume this is right. I'll figure it out, but it doesn't matter because the important part is done. Speaking of Key West is that one time I was there for a gig, and I thought the Booker had booked my flight back to L-A-X. But the Booker had not. Oh. So I'm like, I got to get to the airport.

Oh, my gosh. I'm like, let me find this email, which I'm sure has my flight info. Oh, no. No flight info. Oh, why didn't they book the flight home? If they booked the flight there, I don't know. I don't know. But luckily, I can't remember all the details, but I did have a flight from Miami to L.A.X.

That's what it was. I thought he booked Key West to Miami. Oh, I see. That's what it was. So Key West to Miami. I had booked Miami to LAX. So I, like a maniac, run to the rental car place. Get a car.

No. It's a four-hour drive. That's a long drive. You did that drive recently. You know this drive then. I mean, some of them, these bridges go on for miles. Yeah. 17 miles or something crazy.

One of these bridges where you're like, I want to be on land. Super slow. I want to be on land now. Yeah. And then if there's any kind of slow little grass. am on the Ford Fiesta. You're screwed. And I got to, it made me think of that Louis joke where I got to Miami Airport.

I wanted to just leave my rental car on the side of the road. Like if I don't leave it on the side of the road, I'm not going to make this flight. Luckily, I made it, but what a weird brain fart on my end to just not know if I have a flight or not. It was so funny. But then, but you made the gig? That was the thing. It was the end. Yeah, once the gig is done.

As long as you, you're so. focused on making sure you get there and do a good job that the rest of it is like, well, I'll figure that out later. Yeah, yeah. I'll get home somehow. They won't see it. Yeah. So it doesn't matter.

Exactly. Hilarious. Yeah, but that's, Steve, so sweet. Just like, I just got to go drive to a different state. I'm sorry. It is so, because you realize, like, I've been on the road for 30 years. So you think everybody else has that, like, like what Abraham Lincoln was doing with that hotel room is so hilarious.

But if you've never been on the road, you might think, oh, we're all going to hang out on a bed together. Yeah. I mean, that's crazy. I mean, that's insane. Because it's hotel rooms are so personal. It's your own little space. It's weird. It's the only space that's yours when you're on the road.

Yeah. So a comic would never want to share. What? Never. I don't want to see that. You don't even want to see it like if you mean in the hallway. Yeah. You don't want to even looking in.

Don't you peer at what I need to do to get by. When I was just starting out, I actually, to save money, did share hotel rooms. Oh, well, they're starting out, yes. So I did like a NACA when I first started, and I would call another comic. Are you going to the national NACAs? Yeah. Yeah, you want to share a room together? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that kind of thing, I definitely have done. Do they still do NACAs? No, no, that's still a thing. They do? I've never done one. Oh, no? I never will. You're too dirty. Um, oh, yeah, they do like it.

I can clean it up because I clean it up for fortune. Oh, right. So I do 20 clean for, or cleanish for fortune. Right. Cleanish. Well, she lets me get away with a little bit, but, um, but yeah, I can do 10 clean. That's fine, but I don't want to. Right.

I hate performing for colleges. Yeah. It's, yeah, it's the worst. It hurts your feelings. It does. It gets to do an hour clean when you get there. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You have to do 60 minutes. No, thank you. Yeah. No, that's a little rough. At the end, I started doing like 30 minutes of material and then a 30 minute Q&A. Mateo taught me that.

He was like, make it about them. Wow, smart. Yeah. That's kind of cute. Yeah. I like that. And then I tried to do it, but no one knew who I was. So they had no questions.

One guy asked me, this was so sweet. One guy asked me, how do I talk to women? And I said, well, buddy, you're already doing it. Good job. You have a phone. What you do is you lean over and you text. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it was, but sometimes it gets. Yeah. But I haven't been booked on one in a while, and I think that's for the best. Back to the Christmas thing. I did get concerned this Christmas that you and Steve had Christmases apart. You went back to your families. Yes. And I think, you know, I don't want to tell you how to live, but I think that has to stop.

I think you're right. I would like it to stop. But at this point. Someone's family's going to get hurt because they're far away from each other. And I, our Christmas is so big. Right. That I don't want to miss my big Christmas because Steve's Christmas is very small. Right.

So I think what we're going to end up. Boring. Well, they kind of, they're so close. Right. The three of them can kind of sit and just be together. And then my family is this. Ah, what are you doing? Do you do the tapeball thing?

No, that's Steve's family. That's Steve's family. They just started doing it. So I'm thinking. That sounds like it should be with your family. Well, this is what I was thinking. Okay, so my family, they do big dinner day of Christmas Day. And then two days later, they do a bigger thing with the extended family.

Right. And then his family does a Christmas Eve thing. Right. So I'm thinking we do four days before, travel on Christmas Day, which is. Smart. Yep. And not busy. Yeah.

Four days after. And then we both get big Christmas. That's a good way to do it. I think that's what we should do. Well, you're going to have to when you get married. Yeah. Yeah. We pretty much were like, when we get married, we have to spend Christmas together.

Yeah, for sure. Or at least that's what I want. Yeah. Well, you put your tree up October 29. So you could do Christmas on Halloween instead. That's true. You're fine. You're set up.

Can you explain what the tape ball thing is? Not really, but I will try. Okay. This is at Steve's house. It's at Steve's house. I don't know what. So they basically make a tape ball and they have different prizes within the tape ball or at different layers. So someone makes this all beforehand.

Someone makes this all beforehand. And so one person is unwrapping the tape ball and then. So it comes like a basketball sized ball. Yeah. Of tape with all. With like 15 different gift cards in it. And then at the center is like AirPods or something like that. Right.

And so. I forget. I don't know how they transfer it from person to person. Yeah, you pass it. But whatever you unwrap, you get to keep. And then the person, I think, ahead of you is rolling dice and they have to get snake eyes or something in order for you to pass the ball. Right. You're going against the clock.

Yes, something like that. Right. So you're tearing at this tape ball thing. It's hard because it's hard. And you're trying to get a present. And before the time goes, and then you get your thing and you pass it. And it just keeps going around and everybody starts. It sounds like a lot of fun.

It sounds so fun. If you have someone that can make it. Yeah. Someone has to have the patience and the willingness to forget about global warming and make that. Because I think it's a giant wasteful. But also one tapeball, that's not going to kill a polar bear. We've already killed them. Yeah, really.

Yeah. They'll be fine. Oh, God, I might need another dog. Well, yeah, that tapeball thing, I want to try and incorporate it in my family. but I need someone to make it. You could make it. I don't, I'm not, yeah. If you go to Etsy, I guarantee you there is a tape ball.

Yeah, the YouTube. Someone's got it. People make those things and sell. You can find anything anywhere now. Yeah. Just go to Etsy. And if it's not, hey, if you're on Etsy right now, start a tape ball business. You'll at least have one customer.

There, we did it. When did you? Or just asked Steve to do it. He'll do it. He'll do it. He'll do it. How long have you not been smoking? Well, this whole podcast.

Right. And then also, I- Did you smoke in high school? No, I tried to smoke in grad school. I went to art school. Oh, you did? Oh, that's right. That's right.

And I tried so hard because what would happen is everybody would be like, ugh, I got to go smoke. And then I would have to sit inside and watch the jackets while they went out and smoked for like a half hour, just shooting the shit. And so I was like, I'm a smoker now. And then every time I smoke, they were like, you are not a smoker. This is pathetic. How, like, you just, some people can do it and pick it up quick.

And other people, you probably smoke for 10 years and everyone would be like, you're not really a smoker. Yeah. And I just, I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to inhale. I didn't know what to inhale. And it showed. They were like, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm trying to participate in your conversation.

I don't want to wash the jackets. What was your plan? What were you going to do? with art. I went into art school to try and be the next Annie Leibowitz. Oh, nice. I wanted to be. And then photography's hard.

Oh, wait a minute. Is this how you met the guy? Yeah, we went to art school together. He was a photographer. No, no, no, no. He was a sculptor. He was worse. Yeah, I was like, his sculptures are just vaginas.

All from underneath. Yeah, he called it train. A train. Okay. Oh, so you were a great photographer. Mm-hmm. Are you still? No.

I mean, I know angles and stuff. Yeah. And I stupidly didn't learn digital. I only did analog. So film was dying, and I was like, I'm going to resurrect it. Right. Nope, it's dead. Yeah.

And, but yeah, I did medium format camera, and I was okay. I wasn't great. Uh-huh. But then I started going into performance and then video. And I had some. Fun pieces, good pieces, but I was so serious. Oh, yeah. And the shoe didn't fit, but I kept trying to make the shoe fit.

Yeah. Because I was funny, but I was like, no, I'm serious now. Right. Whenever I made a video, it was like, Caitlin, that's too, what are we doing? You know? Right. Like the smoking. Yeah.

It's like, you're not really this. Yeah. It wasn't really me. It was me thinking like, oh, this is how it should be, right? Right. This is what people like. Yeah. And, no, it was bad.

I had an audition yesterday. to play a cop. To play a cop. Yeah, like a border. Wait, from Key West? Not from Key West. Border cop? Like a border cop.

What are your agents doing? Well, this is the point. It's, uh, I saw it was, I saw the funny in it. And I read it like dry, funny. Like, I could, I could do this role this way. This is me doing this role. And they said, okay, great. Um, can you do it now?

He's really like a military guy, like a hardcore military guy. and he's got to like we really put it out there yeah right we all know well there's a lot of guys that can do that yeah that would be great yeah all right i'll show you my version yeah and i did it and they were like nice meeting you yeah this is in person but you know it was on zoom yeah but you just you have certain things and you can pretend but you know you don't the shoe doesn't fit it doesn't fit so when did you do comedy first I did comedy two or three years after that. Me and that guy broke up.

He told me first off, I was like, do you think I'm, because I told him I wanted to do stand-up. I was like, do you think I'm funny? And he goes, I don't think you're funny. I think you're entertaining. And I was like, oh. Is he an agent now? Three years. Yeah.

Three years. So that made me not do it for like a year. And then we broke up. Yeah. And I was like, I'm just going to do it. So I Googled how to start stand-up comedy. Did you really? Yeah.

And then it actually sent me to a. I, what's it called? You remember laughing Buddha? Yeah. Yeah, they had these free seminars. Right. And so I went to this free seminar. And at the end of the seminar,

I basically told you, do open mics, make friends. That was the seminar. Right. And they were giving away a free class. And they pulled my name out of a hat. And that's how I started stand-up comedy, because I had to go to this class. Oh.

Yeah. And so I got a free class and I did it. I went to the class, Tom, I didn't know you had to have jokes. That's how bad it was. How little you knew. Yeah, how little I knew, I thought that you just show up and they teach you how to write jokes. Yeah. And then they were like, nope, we're all going to do five minutes.

And I was like, oh, shit. So you just went up? I just went up and rift. How'd it go? It went fine. I didn't get a laugh. Yeah. Otherwise, if I didn't get a laugh, I don't think I'd be sitting right here.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then eventually they were like, you have to build material. And I was like, great. From that first time, did you have a feeling like, oh, yeah, this is what I'm going to start doing? As soon as I got that laugh, yeah. Yeah. Because I was making fun of my thighs, being big and strong.

Which I think a version of that joke ended up on Colbert. Yeah. Nice. So it was like, oh. Yeah. You know immediately. Yeah. So funny, isn't it?

It's so weird. It just hits me in the core and you're like, this is, now this shoe is. on. Now, do you think that this, this pervy photographer is aware of your success? I know that he, I mean, I hope so. Yeah, me too. I hope we can somehow get it out through this podcast. No, no, he might sue me. No, I do wish him the best. I hope he's doing well. It's keeping his hands to himself. No, I hope he's doing well. But, no, I know that during the pandemic, He joined, I did a Facebook, or an Instagram live show, and he joined and commented. Oh.

Really? He said, very entertaining. Yeah. Probably. Yeah. But yeah, he hit me up then through that. And I was like, and it threw me off so much. I was like, oh, my God, I forgot you existed.

Yeah, weird. And Steve's in the background. And then as soon as I was going, it was like, Steve! You'll never get it. And Steve got nervous. He was like, upskirt guy. He was like, upskirt guy. That's how he's known.

That's a pretty good moniker. Yeah. That's not how you want to be known through life. Upskirt guy? Obscurt guy. So you're touring now? Yes. I tour running around.

I'm doing a San Diego mic drop tonight. San Diego. Yes, I love San Diego. We were just there. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Oh. It was great.

I went to college there. What? Where? This is crazy. You see San Diego? Oh, that's here. Oh, yeah. Fight, fight, fight.

We're just missing each other. I know. So close. That's funny. Did you like going to school in San Diego? I was just telling Tom, I loved it. Yeah. I grew up with just this like heavy cloud constantly pushing down any kind of joy in San Francisco.

In San Bruno, 20 degrees warmer. It is. All you have to do is leave the city, go 15 minutes. South, and it's a whole different world. So my dad and I left in August, and it was just cold and freezing in San Francisco, and we drive down, because SDSU started around end of August, and there's girls and bikinis and boys with like, you know, just sunscreen and zinc on their nose, playing volleyball in front of the dorms, and I'm like, did I just walk into like a movie set?

What is this? I absolutely loved it. And you were at the beach. Yeah, we were. On the beach. It was a five-minute walk down to the beach. I had a sunset view every night. Oh, my God.

Yeah, it was amazing. It was such a fun. That's amazing. To get your, you know, adult training wheels. Did you go to have a T.J. Yeah, that's what it is. Girl, I got arrested. Girl.

What? I had so many friends arrested. Arrested where? In Mexico. Yes, on the border. They throw you in jail. What happened? So I took the bus.

Did you take the bus? Never. Oh, I told you to take the bus. Well, there's like a, there's a bus that goes to each school, and they would pick up all the 18 and 19-year-olds,

and then drop them off at the border. And you just, and in order to get, you could just walk into Mexico. No big deal. Just a turnstile. Yes. And then you go in and you party hardy.

I got pretty drunk at Club Safari. Thank you so much. Wild. Anyway, but we went to Club Safari. I got super drunk. And then on the way back, the border agent, you have to show them your ID,

and then they ask you, what country are you from? Or what's your country of origin? You say the United States, they let you back in. Right. Well, I was so drunk, I handed her my ID, and she goes, what country are you from? And I said, your mom. And so, she was like, here you go.

And I went back in. And she, like, made a nod to the guy, and he was, like, drunk in public. And I got arrested and taken to the drunk tank. Yeah. But luckily, he was in this. A drunk tank. But it's in San Diego.

Okay, because there's two ways you can get arrested. Oh, it's in San Diego. It was in San Diego, yes. So one of my friends got arrested but went to the Mexican jail. Oh, my God. That's my nightmare. Yeah. Whenever I think about getting arrested, I was like, thank God I was on the right side of the border.

Yes. I can't imagine the other side. I've had a couple friends. So like a dummy, one of my guy friends had two IDs. Oh, no. I don't know why. And so one fell out. And so they were like, oh, these are both fake.

or they're fraudulent. But by the way, like, it's 18. Yeah. But even though it's 18, they want to make sure you're not 17. So he had two California State driver's licenses. They fell out. He was all drunk. And they were like, okay, you're, you know, you're drunk in public, but you're underage.

And they threw him in the Mexican prison. What was that like? He said it was absolutely horrible. Like the worst. That's where he lost his virginity. Experience, yes. And he was. was horrified that he's like this upstanding guy.

He's come from a wealthy family. You know what I mean? He's there like in this Mexican prison. Like I don't belong here. Well, dummy. Why would you ever think to bring two IDs? He just kept an old ID. I don't know what his thinking was.

That's one friend. And my other friend fell and broke her wrist in Tijuana. Oh my God. I wasn't there that night. So I was always, that's why they never had to take a bus, because I was always designated driver always. Oh, really? You didn't drink.

Did not drink. Had no interest in it. I'll tell you, I'm just sadness. She's waiting the car with some ribs. I'm just sadness to everyone's good time. Well, you look great. The skin is great. As a kid, I just never wanted to drink.

So I'm always driving everybody, so it was never a big deal. But I didn't go this time. And one of my friends tripped on a curb in Tijuana on Revolution. Oh. And some, like some friends, pulled her into a bar so she couldn't like tend to it right away you know what i mean like maybe i don't know a tourniquet i don't know what happened like something and then you know these little mexican guys sit on your face and shake tequila into your eyeballs and so it just messed up even more i'm not wrong

yeah you're not they do some weird shit really they sit on your face and they just yeah test tubes all the way get up there dance on that scaffolding and then they shake you and they flip you upside down like so they they throw shots in your face and then they flip you upside down. You know, like, one of those signs that's like real estate open this way, right? And they're like, flip, you, flip, flip. And then, so I think she landed on it again. Anyways, it was just flopping.

Oh, my God. And I don't know what happened. I don't know all the details, but she was left there. No. Yes, the people she was with, not good people. Oh, you never leave anyone in Mexico. No, ex-you-lawed-do it. And so she had to spend the night in a prison.

Ah, with her floppy wrist? She was passed out. She lost her virginity. Oh my God. It's just bad. Amazing. Every way. I don't know how we survived those days.

No. From what I've heard, kids do not go to Mexico anymore. No. They do not go to T.J. Yeah. They don't go there to drink. No. I mean, and I'm older than you, so I think it was probably even more crazy when I went.

We didn't have buses drive us, by the way. Oh, yeah. Well, the buses, you would pay the $10 to get on the bus. They didn't care how many people were in there. I was sitting on laps. Right. And they just drop you off. It was great.

And everybody just looked like, it was all women who just looked like tramps. It was literally like a prostitute bus. He would pull up, everyone's in like halter tops and mini skirts and high heels. It's just like this old dude jumping off 50 women who are just like, hello, I'm here for my new daddy. So you're going back there today? To Tijuana, yeah. Club Safari, here I come. Yeah, I'm going back to San Diego today.

do mic drop. Nice. I'm very excited. I'm going to see some old college friends. Oh, that's cool. Worst of me. Yes. Very nice.

And it'll be fun. I love San Diego. Yeah. I realize after going to New York and coming back how white San Diego is. Yeah. It's very white. Very white. Yeah.

But the weather is wonderful. It really is. Oh, it's nice. Adorable. Yeah. And the special? The album. The album.

The album. People can get it. Right now. And then. it'll just automatically download on your pretty little phone on March 8th. Beautiful. Very exciting. Look forward to it.

Thank you. And then. Oh, God. He's thinking. The thinking cigarette. Whenever you decide to get married and actually get a date down and everything, if you could just run it by me before, just to make sure that I don't try and book Stephen for some gig. He'll turn it down.

I'm like, Caitlin, can we move the dates? I just want to make this work. That is got to be hard for you guys to figure out, like, when you're actually even going to do the thing with two comedians schedules. It's so difficult to plan anything in advance for comedians that a wedding. And then we want our friends to be there, so it's going to be on a Sunday. Yeah, exactly. So it's going to be tricky.

And as soon as you do pick the date, one of you is going to get something really good somewhere. As soon. Yeah. As we get it, it'll be like Netflix called. Right. The only day they can do this special is Netflix. I got a gig in Hoboken. The day after my wedding and I went.

No. Hoboken. You got to do it. You got to pay for the wedding. That's right. Do we take care of you? We gave you bread. We gave you donuts.

I mean, I haven't had a donut in months and that was the best donut I've ever had in my life. Did we break your meat sobriety? Pretty much. And I'm okay with it. Yeah. She's celebrating. Yeah. He's got a dirty bird out for the world, and she's going to be on national television.

She's on this award-winning podcast. Absolutely. You want an award? Not yet, but we feel it tickets coming. I think it is. This bench. I think this bench is bringing it up. Come on now.

That's booth in podcasting. Yes. And thanks for explaining that I belong in Florida. I'm starting to come to terms with it now. I think that shirt is a Florida shirt. Yeah. Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with it.

You'll wear it well. All right. Thank you. We got it, Joey.