Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 209 - Rachel Feinstein

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

Rachel Feinstein joins the table and talks about Tom officiating her wedding, marrying a firefighter, and her Netflix special "Big Guy," streaming now on Netflix! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you to our sponsor https:/www.tompapa.com! About Rachel: Rachel Feinstein is an American actress and stand-up comedian. Feinstein was a finalist on season 7 of Last Comic Standing (2010). In 2011, she released her first comedy album, Thug Tears. Her first comedy special, Only Whores Wear Purple, was released in 2016. Her latest special "Big Guy" is streaming now on Netflix! About Tom: Tom Papa, a celebrated stand-up comedian with over 20 years in the industry, has made significant strides in film, television, radio, podcasts, and live performances. Notably, he's a regular on "The Joe Rogan Experience" and various late-night TV shows. Papa's literary skills are evident in his books “We’re All In This Together” and "You’re Doing Great!: And Other Reasons To Stay Alive," a collection of essays, and "Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas," a comedic look at family life. His latest stand-up specials are “Tom Papa: What A Day!” and "Tom Papa: You’re Doing Great!" on Netflix. Beyond comedy, Papa's engagements extend to hosting "What A Joke With Papa And Fortune" on SiriusXM and appearing on NPR's "Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me." His love for baking led to hosting the Food Network series "Baked." As an actor, he's worked with notable figures like Rob Zombie and Steven Soderbergh and has appeared in several films and TV shows, including the HBO film "Behind the Candelabra." Additionally, Papa has contributed as a writer to projects like "Bee Movie" and various TV series. Residing in Los Angeles with his family, Papa continues to balance his professional life with personal interests like baking. Get in touch with or go see Tom live on stage! Radio, Podcasts and more: https://linktr.ee/tompapa/ Website - http://tompapa.com/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/tompapa Twitter - https://www.twitter.com/tompapa Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/comediantompapa #TomPapa #breakingbreadwithTomPapa Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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special needs to be called America's Favorite Pig Hey everybody our sponsor for today's program is none other than tompapa.com. Wow. Thank you to the people at tompapa.com. Those guys are really working hard. We are shooting our new Netflix special on June 15th in Washington, D.C. at the Warner Theater. We have two shows. Tickets are still available for the late show, and we really want you to be there. And if you're not there, tell someone around the area to come. We also announced a whole bunch of dates starting off in the same.

summer we've got the Borgata in Atlantic City. We're going to Indianapolis. We're going to Palm Desert, a whole bunch of dates after the special. So that'll take us through the fall. And those have all just been announced. Also, this is very exciting news. We have new merch, new merch. Frank, the Pug, is a dominant feature in our new merch. So go to Tom. Tompapa.com, look at the store. It's hilarious. There's, uh, there's some tote bags. There may be some bread stuff. There may be some frank stuff. There may be some, uh, stickers. There's a whole bunch of stuff. So thank you to the good people at tompapa.com. It's time for breaking bread with Papa. Hey. Don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Now that my kids are grown, I feel like I'm going to spend more time. in New York.

Really? Yeah. This is so exciting. I know. So I figure... They don't need you anymore. Yeah, I don't think so. They don't love you anymore?

I'm just kidding. Their kids are delightful. I got to meet them and they're beautiful and lovely. But I'm just like knocking around the house. Yeah. It's like, why not come to New York for a little longer so we can have breakfast? I'm sure. Well, she would come with me.

I just mean for you guys to have a little time outside the home. He just stays in the same spot like watering the lawn so he doesn't have to make eye contact with me. And that works for us. How is your marriage going? He just keeps re-watering that. You know, you're the funny thing. Tom married us.

Tom Papa married me and my husband. Big gay. The special would not be without you. It's true. Yeah. That's right. I know. I don't know whether I should call myself a rabbi or a minister.

I guess I got to go minister. Yeah, you got to go minister. Yeah. I know you're hungry because you're running around doing press for your big special. So I'm trying to get you this bread into your face. I was so excited to go to In-N-Out Brothers after my last podcast, but then I never stop and play a piano and try to brag. Then I tried to play the piano to impress the Scalar Brothers' mother,

and then I leave my stupid phone in the piano. The next thing you know, I'm outside there buzzing and buzzing and buzzing. I'm like, you really had to stop and show people you could do a chord. Like, how sad is that? Just stop it. You didn't get enough attention today? I have to say, though, it is on brand for you to call and say, I left my phone at the last podcast.

It's true. I'm an active mask. My aunt has been yelling at me all day. She's like, you need systems in your life. This is not the way to live. I yelled back at her. I was like, I have a Netflix special Lois.

She goes, well, imagine what you'd have if you had systems. Who is this woman? My aunt Lois. And do we love Lois? I'm staying with her at Woodland Hills. Yes, Lois, you know, I love Lois, but she's always yelling at me. Who is she? She's mom's sister?

She's got like 90 pillows on her bed on my dad's side. You know? And it's like, I didn't put it back right. And then she told me that one of her cats ate one of my Xertecs. And I'm like, well, I mean, it all comes out in the wash, right? I mean, the reason I need the Zertec is because of the cat. Yeah. She's a pedestal for one of her cats.

Like she has those like Siamese cats. And the cat just sits there. sits on the pedestal? On a pedestal. Yeah. For real? I don't know how the cat makes a little leap from, I guess, it's like a table like this. And the cat jumps on her little pedestal and glars at me.

And she ate my Zyrtec. And I'm like, well, I'm not Lois. Let's see what happens. Joey, I know you're working over there, but I need you to be a waiter for a second. Can you pass me those plates? I have to feed Rachel. She's got a flight to catch, and she's not going to make it. Do you want butter?

Yes. Do you want it toasted? I want all the things. You know what? Give me. Nothing I'm not supposed to have. I'm going to give her this one without butter. I bake this bread for you.

And then I put this one in the toaster and give her a little toasty toast. So this is going to be good because I've been eating mostly moon pies at Lois's house. She has, what is those maramar, what is those marshmallow? Peeps? It's delightful, whatever it is. Like a peep? Maramar's. Oh, Malamars.

Malamars. Ooh, really? Those are so good. I ate so much, I choked on them last night. That's when you know you're having a little anxiety. Yeah. Are you nervous? Well, it's just a lot at once, and I have to do the Tonight Show.

And I'm trying to get my set right and get it approved. Well, that's nice. Yeah, I'm excited. But you know when you have to do five minutes set and you've got to get it right and. Yeah. And you just, what you do. I know, you're not used to doing those anymore. It used to be we did them all the time.

Oh, my God. I'm so excited to stuff this in my dumb face. Go ahead. But Tom married us and. I was, I'll talk for a while while you eat a little. Yeah, please. Get that in your face. I was your minister.

I have to say your wedding was the most delightful. Really? It really was. It was so nice. It was so great. And I felt like a big part of it because not only was I, the minister, so I spent a lot of time with both of you and going over like what's put in it and then you know it takes a lot to write those for sure it's a big endeavor but uh the day when it started to rain and we had to make

the call whether it was going to be outside or inside and i was like i was involved in like the deciding and moving and resetting up and we had to move to inside and set the whole thing up and i was like it's going to be fine you're going to be great it's going to be just it's is even nicer than outside. And like I felt like a part of the... You were very calming. You were very calming all the wedding squad. The thing is, as a comedian, it's like, it's like,

I already had a bottle thrown at me at Des Moines. Like, I don't care. You weren't nervous. And I wasn't too nervous. I didn't do a very good job either. I just like, he killed. And then he took a lot of my jokes that I was going to use. So he took like all my stories.

So I was kind of left with nothing. And everybody was like, he's the funny one. Oh, no. I kind of bombed, but it was so fun to have comics to it. Like, Tom Poppet doing your wedding is the most delightful thing you've ever experienced. And it's just everything was funny. I'm like, I'm wearing this dress. It's ridiculous.

Me down the aisle, but my father's not protective. So he's like going to rush down the aisle. Come on, let's go. I got to get to my seat. Yeah. I was going to take my seat. Dropping up all these people in my life, including myself, just pretending that we're people not.

But then it's all comedians doing it. So we're all laughing at the wild night. nonsense at all. My father, everyone's like, dad can't dance. Like, he's like on the spectrum. Like, how's even to like dance with you and like look and make eye contact with you?

I was like, I don't know. It's going to be hilarious. It was beautiful. And my dad was like this. I'm like, ah. So with us dancing was the funniest thing. My brothers were just like laughing in my face.

And everybody was trashing me because it was in Staten Island. I tried to call it like North New York on the invitation or something. They're like, yeah, Staten Island. Even my own dad was trashing me for having a wedding of Staten Island. I'm like, Dad, you could have given me 50 bucks towards this. It was so funny because Staten Island is such a punchline. It's such a punchline.

And I use it in my coming to Papa shows all the time. It's like I do ads about Staten Island. But it was lovely. Like it was this really beautiful garden and like this really nice place. It was like this is a lovely place. And growing up in New Jersey, I understand what the Staten Island people must feel. Like, we got our parts, but there's also really good parts. Yeah, like there's some parts of very high end, you know.

Yeah, you wouldn't like it. I mean, and of course Pete had a guy, because every fireman has a guy. He's like, I got a guy in Stan, he's going to hook it up. You know, and I'm like, all right, I'll just be really vague about it in the invitation. And then during the wedding. So I'm doing the, I'm doing the ceremony. And then you decided to have Colin come up and say a couple words. And he came up and tried to trash me.

And then you trashed Colin. And then I trashed Colin. But I had already won the crowd over. It was like a comedian coming in and not realizing that the MC is beloved. Yeah. And then you shit on him a little bit. And the audience is like, no, he's on our side. Yeah, I didn't really take.

I was with Colin yesterday, by the way. I remember Colin was like, so Tom brings up Colin. And he says he calls him one of the older, wiser men at the firehouse that guides the younger guys. Then Colin comes up and he's like, call it. He's like, Tom, your minister voice is really infuriating a lot of people. And everyone was like, we like that. Colin always gets right to the heart of the matter. Oh, my God.

He really can rip you apart. And then Marie Hill and Bridget were doing my little, we had a pinata. I wanted a piñata. My mother-in-law was like, this not for weddings. You do not have this pinata. And I was like, I want a pinata. They're just funny. And it was really, it was a delightful time.

I mean, I think like one fireman passed out at the end and screamed like, go Trump or something. And then that was up. Yeah, there was a little. As the wedding went on, the fireman became more dominant. Yeah. Because they're used to, everyone else is getting tired. The older people want to go home.

The comedians are like, I don't really socialize without doing a set this long. And the fireman hit another gear of, oh, we've been drinking. We're going to keep going. It was a shit show. It was the comedians and firefighters. And I just, I think a couple of my friends. Thank you, Joey. Don't you think Joey should be in a vest?

Joey is already an appendage I need in my life. He just came outside and got my big blue, heinous suitcase out of my uncle's trunk. Bud and him brought my suitcase upstairs, and I was just like, I know I'm a lot, Eddie. And he was like, it's okay. You're fine. You're safe now. It's going to be dim lights. This is a lot like when you take your daughter out to eat and they're melting down and you get in the restaurant and you're like, can we have some bread?

Just get us some bread real quick. Yeah. We're going to need some bread sticks, anything, so we can put it in. I feel like it as a parent when you just need food real quick. We got to put it in their face so they don't trust us. And this is how I feel it with you. Joey, do we have napkins? Because this is going to be buttery delicious.

You eat so much, you guys. There you go. I just got to keep feeding piggy. I tried to call the special America's favorite pig, actually. You did? Because when I was editing it, I was screaming at myself so much because I hate watching myself and I was sitting in the edit because I'm too 80D to write down time code. So I just sat at this guy's house and I was.

I was like, shut up, you're a pig. No one needs this. I was like, for the love of God, stop using the stage and taking laps around it. It's infuriating little piglet. And the guy Jason Katz, who edited it, who's such a sweet, sweet guy. Yeah.

We were about to do the next phase of like doing the color part. And he's like, I think maybe you shouldn't call yourself a pig as much if you want to be taken seriously. And I was like, that's a really good note. But he's like, you should, I wouldn't scream vile pig. as much while you're editing during the color section since they don't know you yet. I'm like, fair, fair, fair. You mean just with the editors, just for the people you were working with?

Yeah, because it was like, I didn't know the people that were going to do the color and the next phase of everything and mix the sound. And he thought that maybe that if I wanted people to take my notes more seriously, that I should call myself a foul pig less. I was like, Jason, that's fair. And then I called Dan Powell, though. And I did ask him if I could call the special vile pig. And he was like, no, you cannot call it vile pig.

And I was like, America's favorite pig? And he was like, no. It would have been funny. But it's big guy. Is there any joke that says, do you ever say that? No, so it didn't really make sense. But I do think my next special needs to be called America's favorite pig. America's favorite pig is a great name for a special, right?

Could I use it? Big guy. Big guy is what my husband calls me, which is also pretty solid. But, I mean, I'm proud of him for infuriating me to that degree that I named a special after his awful nickname for me. Now he's got a, he's a great guy, and he's got a good sense of humor, obviously, he married you. Was he, what was his reaction to the special being called big guy?

The problem is, the more things that he does, the more he is an emotional desert, the more material I get, the more he loves it, the worse he gets, because he loves it when it lands in my act. So he, and then he stands outside after, like, my shows, and people are like, this must be hard with all their talk. And he's like, you know, you roll with it. You do your best.

And I'm like, why do I think he's standing by the door? Like, he loves every minute of this. Yeah. He's like, hey, big guy, huh? And now it's the title. So that had to be solid. He never has a negative reaction of like, why'd you say that about me? No, because the problem is the same thing that would make him think twice about calling

his own wife big guy is the same muscle that you would use to reflect. Like that same part section of his brain would be necessary to reflect on caring what anybody thought at all. It's such a good way to live. Yeah. It goes full circle. I mean, my husband, well, he's worthless with names, but he, like, acts like a politician. Like, he'll walk around a party.

Like, he'll be like, Frank, it was great to get to know you tonight. You're a good guy. Tell you this, I'm not going to forget you, Frank. And I'm like, his name is Steve. And he'll be like, hey, water under the bridge. I'm like, none of that makes any sense. Yeah, and he just doesn't care. So he never leaves a place going, what did this person say when I thought he never thinks to himself?

What did my wife think when I got her a $50 Amazon gift card for her. birthday. He just says, eh, you know, why not? Yeah, he really doesn't care. He's the best. Yeah, he doesn't care at all. How do you like living in a house? It's pretty cool. I mean, he got a house with Bitcoin. They all love Bitcoin, firefighters and crypto. I will say for like years, I was like, who, who would have known that the things he was screaming about, about the government when he was drunk would end up buying us a house? But it really worked out that way? It did. Oh, yeah. It was Bitcoin. No way. I think we have a five-bedroom house. It's not for my road money. Hopefully after the snap Netflix special. We can get another one. No, it's a hundred percent true. He got into Bitcoin and like,

I don't know, 2015 or something. And he was rambling about it. And the whole family was screaming at him. His mom was like, you need to sell these bitcoins. That's not true. That's a pretend story. She kept calling it a pretend story, which is a great description. Yeah. She's like, that is a pretend story, Peter. You cannot take these bitcoins. And so we were all like, sell it. Pee, got to sell it. And then he just kind of ignored everybody. And then he bought us a five bedroom house with Bitcoin. Wow. Yeah. He sold. He bought. Bitcoin from some guy named Gino in like a deli in Queens. And now we have a house.

No. Yes, 100%. Oh my God. It really worked. He sold it and then he did major renovations on the whole house and all of that was from Bitcoin. Wow. And I really hate promoting it to the degree because even though I know it bought us a house, it still bores me in such a profound level. Then when he starts to talk about it, I don't know, understand what any of it is. I don't know what a digital wallet is. But he's always like, I just know that he's looking at a collection of crypto graphs and that he'll be nicer to me if the graph is going like up. That's all I know. I'm too dumb to figure out of it. Yeah, I think he like hides how much he's involved in it because I was like, Pete, get rid of it. We got the house. It's done.

It's a rap. But I think he's, yes, he's watching graphs. Wow. I can't believe he pulled that off. Bitcoin. That's the only success story I've ever heard about Bitcoin. Well, wait a minute. He seems like a nice guy.

He's affable. Hey, Frank. A bank, hey, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Is there a part of you that thinks maybe it wasn't Bitcoin? Huh. Maybe. No, if I hadn't watched him, watch all the graphs, I think you're right.

I mean, but don't, I mean, he still, like, punches a microwave when he's angry. Like, there's still always a dent in the microwave. You know what I mean? He's not. He's a fireman. Yeah. Yeah, he's always like, he'll just, like, break an appliance if he's pissed off, you know? Like, my sister-in-law had to tell me that.

I was like, this microwave is always dented. And she's like, Pete probably punches it. I was like, yeah. Thanks, Julia. I never figured that out. Well, you're not around. That's all right. It's very similar to my own dad.

I think he, but he wouldn't do it in front of us, but there was usually an appliance or something being broken. Actually, there was a game between, I'm not name-dropping, but Howie and Mr. Friedman played tennis every week at the Y.

You are not named-dropping. And then one day they just stopped playing tennis. And then my mom was like, well, what happened? Everybody knew they couldn't ask the men because the men would never answer the questions. Mom's like, I'm going to call Susan Friedman. I'm going to find out what happened with Howie and Kyle's tennis match. So she calls Susan Friedman and she says that Susan Friedman says that, well, you know, he had to stop playing tennis with him because apparently every time Howie would lose, he would destroy the racket. And can you imagine lower stakes than like two old Jews playing tennis at a local why?

Like, it's truly if, like, a tree fell in the forest. Exactly. You know, but, what are you doing? What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what's, what, what's, what's going through the forest? What is, what is going through his head? I got to beat this son of a bitch. This bright is so good, Tom. Is it good?

God. It's amazing. It's delightful. Now, here's, here's, here's the thing I was thinking about while I was baking it for you. Hmm. Uh, I did it all yesterday. And then I baked it last night. and but then suddenly occurred to me,

you've got to get on a plane. Can you fit the remaining bread in your luggage and bring it to your family? Yes, I'll put it in a plastic bag that you, sir, will be getting for me. You obviously don't know who my father is. You'll get that bag. Yes, you will. I'm very important, and I'm going to be. I have a special coming out.

I've got a special coming out at Netflix. That's right. When does it come out, by the way? May 21st, and that means it's out now. That's what my publicist keeps telling me to say. To say it's out now. Oh, yeah, that's next week. It is out now.

It is out now. It is out. Yeah, it is out now. That's right. I'm a star. I'm a star. We've got, you got, all right, so you'll. Big dive. Gaffigan took his home on a plane.

I'll do you put it in some sort of sack. I've got, I've got a bag. This is America's favorite pig here. I'll take bread on a plane. You don't want to open my suitcase. You're just going to, like, throw up. Yeah, I would actually love to see. It's got to be chaos.

It's just like a lot of wires and other people's USB cords. I'm going to have some of your equipment in it by the time I leave. Your mic is going to be in my suitcase. I saw a woman getting off a plane. She looked like a model. She was tall and she had someone, some underling helping her and stuff. And she got off the plane. She was carrying her two chargers, but by the wire.

And the wire was coming off the top. and then like the plug was just dangling four people. And she's just walking through the airport with these dangling. Every day. Every day. Everybody's always like, what is that? What's going on? I mean,

when I tell you just today how many things I've left places and how many people chase me on the street, I always think some guys hitting on me. And then he's just handing me like a charger and a debit card. Like everywhere I go. I'm like, oh, I guess the Uber drivers weirdly obsessed with me. I have been leaving credit cards behind. Yes, everywhere. I lost all my debit cards.

I just had to have my aunt get me. I was like, I was like, I had to get a plane ticket. My aunt got it for me, which doesn't have Venmo. So we had to stop at, like, Chase this morning to give Lois back her, you know, money for the plane ticket. I get her $700 because I've lost all debit cards. I'm flying with nothing on me. Really? Yeah.

Just got to try and get back home. And also, I have to go to Toronto in like three weeks. I got to get a, I hope I have, like, an updated passport. I don't know. I'm not doing well. But now I am because I'm eating this bread. But it's not running a tight ship. It's never, you haven't, running a tight ship is not your thing.

You don't run the tight ship. This is the way you've operated. And it always works out. You got people. I mean, to marry a fireman is probably your greatest master stroke because not only is he into crypto, I'm sure he's got things organized in the pantry. His side of the bad looked like somebody that is murdered three wives before me. Like the last three women are dead.

You know, it's just like so neat, it's suspicious looking. And he's always like wasn't want my things touching his things. That's like the sums up piece, daily goal is that my wife's shit does not touch my military style ship. I got my shit together. She's a disaster. Keep her away from me. Yeah. He acts like he has his things are like, it's like in a movie when like some decorated officer commits suicide.

That's how his side of the room is. It's always like he's getting ready for a suicide. And I'm like, I look like I've just been violently robbed. Like a violent armed robbery At all times And then he's always like Has this happened so fast? It happened so fast

He always says that What happens when you get in a hotel room? Like it's explosion so fast Like it's just I'm always like fascinated by how I do it There's just like like just now As I was getting out of the car One of my boots fell in like a soggy

Like puddle You know As why like one boot I was holding Like running after the men You know I don't know it happens very fast Yeah, just explode. It just explodes.

And it's the most free feeling when I go in a hotel because I'm just like, nobody's going to scold me. I'm not going to get in trouble. Just to be an immediate pig like that. It's so satisfying. It's never even occurred to me to like line up my things or, no, I just want to be a pig, a free pig. And it's great.

This will be your next special for sure. Free pig. America's favorite pig. I like that. America's favorite pig. Who's your daughter taking after? Oh, she's a pig for sure like me, but she, but she like will put. she'll put a puzzle together.

Like, I don't think I ever did that. Like, I think puzzles are just like archaic level of boredom. Yeah. So they kind of keep me away from the puzzle. So she kind of knows that she like rolls her eyes at me. You know, she's like a little condescending. She doesn't ask for things. She goes, you can get me that.

And I'm like, yeah, I know. I have the ability to do that. Yeah. I think my, I think I'm probably closer to big guy. I know you are because I remember an old joke of yours that could have been about me, about your wife. Oh, yeah. About Cynthia.

And I was like, this is exactly what he would say, but you said it with a little more affection and tolerance. But you said how whenever you leave the house, there's explosions everywhere. And you sort of try to figure out, like, you look at all the explosions. And you're like, oh, okay, what the crime was. Yeah. And I just learned from my wife, we were reminiscing because my daughter's graduating college and my other daughter's in school.

And we're having all these reflective moments and stuff. and my wife, she said, almost didn't say it. She didn't want to make me feel bad. But I was like, just say, I don't know. I'm not going to care. Whenever I would go away on the road and leave, there was a little excitement like, he's gone. We're going to have breakfast for dinner and we're going to not going to clean up.

When my husband goes to the firehouse, I'm like a kid in an 80s movie. I'm like, dad, he's gone. You know, like, I'm like calling hookers. There's just like lines up. everywhere. Yeah. I'm like dancing in my socks. Yeah. It's the, and then when he, when he comes home early, when he's like, oh, I thought I was doing

a 24, but it's only a 12 hour tour. I'm like, no. I'm like throwing my shit in drawers. You know what I mean? And then he just comes in and he does his morning rounds. What's this? What's this? What's that?

Yeah. So like, it's the most free feeling when he's on a 24 because nobody's going to ask me to dissect my own choices. I don't make choices. My hands take trips around the house. I don't know what they do. I don't know where they've been. They were not working together, me and my hands.

If we were, things would be different. I feel bad because I am more like he is. I would come home from a thing and be like, so why is the butter out? Is it, should the butter be in the fridge or not? And I wasn't trying to like say you're doing a horrible job or you're America's favorite pig. But I was just like, can I put this away? Why is kind of a hostile question. Like, because it's not like anybody thought about it.

It's not like she was like, you know, it would be great. I should take the butter out and just leave it there. Because, like there's no because. No, there's no reason. There couldn't be a reason. Yeah. And I learned, I got the sense of it when I would come back. So I would let them know, I just landed.

And it'd be like, oh, you're early. and then something would go on before I came into the house. I just like I don't relate, but also like it's probably the way he feels what I'm like, look, all you have to do is say like something kind to me sometimes. And he's like, really? Yeah. Like he cannot do it. Like he doesn't know how to be like affectionate or soothing. It's so confusing when I need any sort of soothing.

He's like, it's just this wild sort of frantic swiping. He'll be like, yeah. It's like my dad. It's just like my dad trying to hug me. Yeah. Right. He doesn't have that chip. Your dad didn't have that?

Oh my God. No, he never said, I love you. He called me Roxanne. It was a lot. Yeah. No, my dad cried in the movie, Deer Hunter, apparently, and at the baseball hall of fame, but my wedding, not a tear from Howie. He was kind of in a rush. He's just like, he's, you know, he's there.

He's present. Is he emotionally unavailable? No, he like, flicks his own head. He's a strange guy. But your mom's closer to what you are. My mom is like a little more like oversharing. Like she always wants a moment with somebody that's not going to have it, you know. Yeah.

But usually it's with strangers. She cares a little more about like racial suffering of strangers than me. Than how your day is. Yes. For sure. Have they flipped out now that there's a grandbaby? Yes. But I mean, I could have a seizure and my mom would be like,

we have a marvelous Ethiopian neighbor who has lupus. And that would be more exciting. for her. I could be seizureing. And my mom would be like, did I tell you that I know a marvelous couple who are legally married? She loves to tell me about a gay couple

she knows that's married. It's so strange. She is like, which is pretty awesome if you ask me, but I don't know what's going to happen when T-R-U-M-Pag. Is she ramping up with the election? Yes, and she'll always say to, she'll always announce, I just stay away from this stuff.

I just don't even look at it because it's not healthy and you have to take i'm like it's all you read and all you talk about yeah i have to walk outside and give it a break because it's not good to consume this level of chaos and i'm like it's all you consume and all you talk to me about i'm so happy that your specials on netflix i really am you i mean you've been you feel like you got a bump from having your special on netflix oh yeah changed yeah a lot of people see it for sure that helps to know yeah and you're so funny and it's it was just a matter of time and it was like oh this is this is perfect. People need to know this and see this. He did give me a good hour of material, Pete.

He did give me, like, he's just because of the things he says. Yeah. And the way he is. And the way he is, yes. But it's, no, it is fun. It's a fun, like, he's good. He can hang with it. And that he was sad that he wasn't here today having the bread. Yeah. Well. Yeah. Well, he's not invited. He can't come to the West Coast. I mean, Pete loves Tom. Pete loves Tom. He should. I mean, he you had the only conversation of my husband where he was actually like reflected on our life. Like we were all talking. We're like, wait, he's going to ask Pete about how we met and what his feelings were.

Like everybody's like, well, how's that going to go down? And I was like, yeah, this is crazy. And then I asked Tom afterwards and he's like, because so what Tom does in the wedding when he does weddings, he's done, he's retired, by the way, from weddings. But what he does is he takes the bride and the groom and he separates them and he interviews them both about how they met and everything. Yeah. And we all felt that Pete was going to need writers.

Like there was no way that he was going to pull off like an interview about emotions. He was delightful. And then I was like, so how did I go? Like this is a man that the first time he gave me flowers, there was a note inside that said, it was typed that said flowers. Fastest way to say I love you besides fucking. I was like, what the fuck, Pete? And he hadn't said I love you yet. I was like, is this the I love you?

He hadn't said it yet? No. He said it that night. which kind of canceled out because I was still thinking about the card, you know? It was like four months into our relationship, like on Valentine's Day. I got those flowers. And then I was like, is this you say? I'm like, that doesn't count just so you know.

It's got to be tricky, though. He swears that like Anthony from the firehouse put that note in there. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know if I buy that. He's like, I think that was Anthony's little trick. It's got to be hard because he's not a professional comedian. He's dealing with a professional comedian. So you take some swings and you're like, she'll think this is funny.

you're right but then you also are a partner who needs some respect and love once in a while it's got to be tricky yeah it does have to be tricky but the good thing is that he's happy he's so happy that the special is called big guy he's like delighted yeah he's like so what do should I should I like put on I'm like there's nothing for you to do all right what should I do he's like so uh should I do Fallon or I'm like he likes to taunt me with that he'll be like you know, I got five minutes. I think I'm going to try comedy because he knows that's my worst night. Oh my God, yeah.

So we'll just do that back and forth. That would be great. It was a good job list. Night, nice time, 75, you know, and he'll be like, yeah, I got some. I think it's clever. I'm going to work it. But now he's got a promotion. Now he's like the head of the whole fire department.

He's a chief now and he's got this horror of a wife. How's this going to end? What happened? Wasn't me when you were a chief? Does it, do you change where you go every day? You get a driver? You get a driver? I do know that.

Wow. He gets a driver. and a second... Picks them up at the house? And a second cell phone. What? Yes, you get a second cell phone. Now, that's two phones for me to go through.

That's so exhausting. Yeah, you get a driver and you get... And they come and they have a little laptop and he shows Pete the fire. And I thought Pete was going to be standing outside looking at diagrams. Yeah. He told me when he became a chief

that he wouldn't go into the fires anymore. But then the very next one, he hurled that laptop on the ground and went diving in the fire because they love fires. He's like, I was watching the incredible. last night. He's like, he's like Mr. Incredible.

You're right. He's like he couldn't stop himself from fighting crime. He just had to go and do it. Wait, who are you watching the Incredibles with? Well, we started watching, we were watching Baby Rain Deer on the Netflix. Have you heard of this? Have you seen it? I have heard it's really good, but I have not seen it. Yeah, it's a, it's a stalker situation. And for some reason, in episode four, it took a turn. Have you seen it, Joey? No, but my mom told me the same thing as like a turn. Yeah. Are you eating?

You stole more bread when I looked away. Let me give you this. Well, all right, you can eat it. Tell me if that's too chewy, though, because it's the end. You want the butter? Give me a lup of butter. There you go. You do it yourself.

It's like whenever, that's my rule when I serve people at my house. I'll make you the first drink and then after that you're on your own. I like it. So there you go. So we're watching. watching baby reindeer. And, spoiler alert, in episode four, the main guy character, he's a comedian, he's trying to get in the business, and this guy who runs a show brings him in and gets him high.

And I'm watching this with my daughter, and he gets him really high, he starts throwing up into the cat dish, and then while he's throwing up in the cat dish, the guy, the showrunner, like, comes up behind him and starts fingering his butthole. And my daughter's like, okay, I think I'm going to go downstairs now. I always hate that situation. Like, I didn't write this. I didn't see this coming. I know.

I didn't, I'm not responsible for this. That happened to me once, like, while I was hooking up. Like, I was like, I was hooking up with a guy I was dating. We're like in the heavier stages of the makeout. Uh-huh. And just this dumbest commercial came on. It was like an infomercial. And it was for some sort of like dick and hands.

drug. And I was like, this cannot be like the soundtrack to our hookup. It was so stupid, but that I'm just like stuck inside of it. We have to pretend like we're not hearing this. And ladies like, all we want is massive banish. And I'm like, oh my God, this can't be happening right now. Yeah.

I was just praying on all of men's worst fears that like women, just these hot, greased horrors just sit around talking about how they want some sort of irrational sized dick. And that's what we were listening to. But I didn't, it wasn't like into the relationship enough that I could like be like, let's just deal with this. No. And stop the momentum of the moment either.

Oh my God. The worst thing. Don't turn on the TV in America. This is from America's favorite pig. So listen up. Keep it off. Yeah, because you don't know what's going to happen next. And with your kids, too, that must be so weird.

Yeah. So, no one needs that. And she literally, you know, she's 19. So she's just saying to my wife in the other room, um, dad's watching a show and this guy's fingering his butt. I'm like, I'm not endorsing it. I didn't want this. I thought it was a funny.

thing about a stalker. And wait, this is the reindeer show? This is the baby reindeer show. I never would have thought. I know. I thought it would be a good Christian god-fearing show. That's what I thought. So I had to turn it off and cleanse the palate.

We put on the Incredibles. More people are going to watch baby reindeer than big guy after this, by the way. Everybody's logging off you porn right now. Let's be clear. Rachel may or may not finger someone's but in her special. I'm not going to say either way. Hey, whatever it takes.

It's out now. Whatever it takes. So I put on The Incredibles and it was, actually, it really holds up. Really? Yeah, the Incredibles is pretty incredible. I don't, there's something like, I'm, like, dumb with cartoons. Like, I don't know what's going on. I'm like car dumb and cartoon dumb.

Like, I don't understand cars. People talk about cars. They sort of get real sleepy. I can't find them in parking lots. And it's kind of the same with cartoons. Like, I have to watch a cartoon like, nine times before I began to understand a character. Can you tell me what?

It's funny. I kind of, we've watched some that we watched as a family when the girls were little. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I had no idea that's what was happening. I was so tired. You're tired, yeah. And I just throw it on and just sit and watch this thing.

And it's just noise and colors. I totally get what you're saying. And I'd be like, whoa. Frozen like 900. times. Like, I should know these bitches inside and out. I don't know the difference between Elsa and that other rag. I don't know what the fuck.

Princess Beach could be doing anything in the world, you know? Right. I don't know if she's a drug dealer or she's a best friend. I don't know if she's the most trustable or the least trustworthy. There's a snowman who's slightly annoying. And like, and like my mom will be like, what do you mean? And like she watches them with my daughter too. And she's like, you don't know who Elsa.

Like my mom looks to me like I'm the dumbest bitch alive and I'm like I don't know I can't Something about it. I can't hear it Yeah and I've watched it for so much time in my life has just been Like typing with one hand and then trying to hand her frozen with the other This is me on every podcast when I'm at home just like shoving her backwards yeah She always charging in too with demands yeah Yeah my daughter she puts on the subtitles she likes to watch everything with subtitles Really? Why? I don't think she's in she's she's she's She can hear.

She's a little ADHD and she helps her keep track and I'm like, subtitles are annoying and I don't understand why you're putting them on. And then I'll see what they're saying with the subtitles. I'm like, oh. That's what he meant all along. That's what he was saying. Yeah, it actually makes a lot of sense. I don't really understand a lot of what people are saying most of the time.

Yeah, and my daughter loves the movie up, which is like, you know, it's like a beautiful, like, sort of tragic film. I mean, if you guys haven't seen it, but you probably know about this guy who like loves his wife and then she dies. And I'm like, what a three and a half year old should be enraptured with? Like just some guy getting rid of his like trying to organize his final things before he like meets his wife and there, they're lots. But Frankie's just like in it to win it. She's just like, I'm like, you really just traveling like an old sort of clinically depressed man around. Like he's kind of an uplifting figure.

I know. I know. It's so sweet. Elderly man in his burden. Like I'm weeping, but I should be. Like, fucked up shit has happened to me, you know? Right. I'm like, Frankie, you shouldn't be emotionally invested in this.

I remember thinking, when I was young, I was stuck my face. That's so funny. I would listen to quotes about like fatigue and, like, tragedy. And I'd be like, that's kind of way. I never understood quotes. And then you have to live a little bit. And you're like, oh, yeah, because everything always kind of goes to shit. Right.

Keep your chin. Yeah, she shouldn't know that yet, you know? It's fascinating to me how much she loves that movie. Yeah, it is fascinating. It is amazing. That first three minutes, you're just like, oh, this is going to be, what is happening? Oh, my God. I know.

It's like profoundly sad. It's like I like cry at some archaic level. That was like the only thing I understood was that movie up because it was fucked up enough for me to understand it. The rest, everybody's just scrubbed with too much sunshine and hope for me to understand what's going on with Princess Peach or whatever. The Incredibles is the same way. They get like, yeah. Things go bad. Yeah, like the superheroes aren't allowed to be superheroes anymore.

Really? Because everyone starts suing them and they don't like the property damage. Someone got, someone didn't ask to be helped. So he's like working in this cubicle, Mr. Incredible, this giant cup I like tucked in white shirt and a tie trying to do claims. It's, it is profoundly depressing of like the menial job. Meanwhile, if I could understand these characters. I could manipulate my daughter as well as she manipulates me. Because it's like, this is all she cares about.

You know, you watch these Montessori things on fucking Instagram and we'll have four toys. And we'll roll down a hill together. No, the Disney gets them fucking young. And that is the only way that I can communicate to her. I tried to put the app on my phone with the Mr. Rogers. She knows what the app looks like for what's Mr. Rogers on again, PBS app? She knows it. She's like, she knows the icon.

She's like, yeah. She knew it at like two. She's like, I don't want that thing. That green thing, I don't want it. Like, I've tried in every way

to have it be something else. You're trying to live, you're trying to teach me. No, she knows all of it. And like, when I potty trained her, like I tried everything.

I read, by the way, a lot of those Instagram parenting things, they don't work. Like, there's one lady I follow and she's like, just repeat their needs back to them. And I'm like, you really wish you could have more screen time.

That infuri is my name. She's like, yeah. And you're the one who can give it to me. Like, bitch, get out of my face. Like, that's what I want and you're going to do it. Like, don't mimic back my want, you know? Right. I try all of those things and they don't work. Yeah. So, how old was she now? We took a course together online. I was like, she's still shitting her pants. She's still, and all the family checks up on me. They call you and they go, is she still shooting our pants?

That's okay. They stop shitting their pants when they stop shitting their pants, you know. But there's always a little judgment, you know. My daughter was like last one. Like, and that's all they see at school, you know, until they stop shedding their pants, she's just one of the three kids that shits their pants. They're not going to see she's got a fun-loving personality. She's just one of the three shitters at school, you know? Yeah. So she, we got her, no, her aunt gave her this, like, white Mercedes car for Christmas, and it's like this little car that I don't bring to the park because it causes, like, such a frenzy. Like, she gets, we get carjacked. The kids, like, run behind us and everything. And I'm like, Pete, you can bring the Mercedes. I can't handle,

like, what it happens at the park. I can barely, I'm tired enough at a part. I'm tired enough at a park. I don't need to be holding a Mercedes. So now it's just next to our dining room table and we know that when Frankie is shitting her pants, she's in the Mercedes because she goes in there to hide whenever she's going in her pants. How old is she?

Now she stopped finally. She stopped like, but here's what made her stop. You won't give me up the age. I've asked twice. No, she's almost four. She's almost four. Sorry. You know it was too late for her to be shitting her. I know, but she did stop about about five months ago. Okay. But, um,

maybe four. Okay. So she goes in the Mercedes. She's in the Mercedes crouching. That's when we know she's doing it. And I was like, I tried everything. We took every course. And then here's the thing that worked. I said, Frankie, what do you want?

What do you want to stop doing this? And she was like, I want to be a tree troll. And she was like, it was like this, it was a heavy moment between us. She's like, you figure it out, bitch. I want that troll costume. And she's like, and I want to wear it to bed. And she's like, get it tonight. You have 24 hours.

And I was like, fuck yes. So I got this tree troll costume. She wears it night and day. She just wants to dress like a troll. For like three weeks, that's what it took. And that's the deal? The deal is if you give me the troll thing, I won't shit anymore? Yeah, and then she stops.

That was it. And she goes to sleep, dressed like a troll. And she looks insane. And every time she wears it, she goes, Mama, aren't I beautiful? I'm like, you are, but this wouldn't exactly enhance that. This isn't exactly the best of your looks. Yeah.

This is actually taking you down a couple of matches. Yeah, of all the things. That was a thing. She's like, you know what it'll take for me not to crouch in that Mercedes anymore? and just fill my underwear with filth, my own filth. It would take me dressing up like a tree troll, and that's what it took. And then you could use this with big guy, by the way. Yeah.

Be like, he'd be like, why is the knife out? I didn't ship my pants. I don't give myself credit enough for the things I don't do. You're right. Exactly. Because I love watching murder on TV, and I do always think that when I'm watching a murder. I'm like, I don't have the slightest desire to kill a hooker. I've never wanted to get up in the middle of the night and go search for co-eds.

You know, I'm pretty, I'm doing pretty well. Like you said, you're just fine. I'm nice. Now she's just different, um, different Disney characters. She got off of a tree troll. Oh, now she's Disney. But yeah. Did your kids like to dress up a lot?

Yes. Yeah. I've got great pictures of them. Yeah. In their different outfits. Did you dress up with them for Halloween? Like, how would that go to? Halloween, no.

We never did like a joint thing. They were always kind of like separate. They were like, no, I'm doing this. Yeah. You don't, how about you be a giraffe over there? And I'm going to be an amazing princess. Do they start judging you young? Because I feel like my daughter's already can tell I'm kind of not to be respected.

Yeah, yeah. There's one time when I'll miss parts of this story. But there was a time when my wife took, Cynthia took my daughter to a party and she was I think ice skating. And my wife, like, forgot something or, like, didn't bring the snack or did something like that. And my daughter was probably like four and was skating around. And they had gotten in a little kerfuffle about something my wife didn't do correctly. And at one point during the party, my daughter skated up to Cynthia and said, Kelly's mom's here.

she's a doctor and skated away. Oh my God. That is amazing. I know I'm missing a little nuance in the story. Devastating. But she was like, oh, okay. Good to know. I'll keep that in mind.

They just have these one lines where you really realize like how the world sees you. Kids can really do that to you. A hundred percent. She was like, well, Kelly's mom did it and she's a doctor. You do need to take a drink, by the way, after that moment. It's a perfect line. You need to be like, and she's a doctor. Mm-hmm.

No, they judge you for sure. What's really strange, though, is now that they're older, is hearing what their story is, like what their perception of us was. Right, right. What do they say? What do they say about you? My young one said the other day that I was, she was scared of me, that I was the really strict one.

and it could not be more fun-loving and soft, I thought. Yeah, yeah, I don't feel like you don't strike me as much of a tyrant. But just the subtlety of, just the smallness of, hey, you don't do that. Right. In her little mind was... Dads have scarier voices. You guys have to, like, whisper to not have somebody to be scary. Yeah.

Because I'll tell Pete, we got to, you know, in the mornings we have to be serious because she doesn't want to get dressed. She runs and hides all morning. Yeah. This morning I was on FaceTime. It's like a team of people trying to get her to get out from under the table. This troll hiding under the table. Yeah, this troll hiding, just crouched and hiding. And I'm like, you have to be strict.

But then I'll be like, Frankie. I'm like, no, no, not like that. Jesus. Like, man voice when it's like firm is scary. Yeah. Like my dad's voice, like, even when it would be anything, be like the Giants Lost or something. They're like, ah, there's just like a man cry.

Yeah. Yeah. It's harder to say something with gravity as a man. It's a trickier slope. Yeah. And I kind of. She said it like she didn't want to hurt my feelings or something, but I kind of liked that that I was, oh, I actually had some authority.

I didn't feel it at the time, but it's nice to know I was like, yeah. I mean, it's not the worst thing. This is the thing. It's like now it seems like we're trying to protect our kids from all our comfortable feelings. But like, they need to be able to like tolerate a little bit. Yeah, a dollop of that. You're right. And here they also think that we were more strict than a lot of their friends and their classmates,

that we didn't let them do certain things and we were a little more strict. We were like known as the strict ones because they couldn't do certain things. I love hearing that too. Yeah, this is what I would turn into my parents. And I'd be like, do you know what my dad did? You know, that's what I'd be like,

you know what happened? My brother Justin would put me in a half Nelson in the car and then they wouldn't see the Nelson. They'd just see like my retaliation to the Nelson. But it would be, there was a series of threats, but one for Justin got, was that I'm, my dad would say, how'd you like it if I'd take you over to Maplewood Park,

pull your pants down in front of all your friends, spank you right there while they played soccer with the MSI league. I'm like, it was so specific and haunting. My brother would just stop. He'd be like about to put me in the headlock, and he'd be like, I don't think I would like that very much. But it was always very specific about who he would spank you in front of. He's like, how about you let the MSI league practices around 2 p.m.

How about I spank your bare ass? I would just spit right on you. They're in embarrassed. Yeah. You're so stupid because, like, as a parent, you're just flailing. You don't know. You're tired. You just stop.

You're fatigued. You just stop. Just stop. And you just say something stupid. Like, I'm going to take you down there and put your hand in the toaster. What? And then 20 years later, they're on a podcast. The other one's threatening me.

My mom used to put my brother in the backyard. He would have these wild tenders, just bright red. He was always in the backyard. Just remember, that was. her third kid. She's like, I don't fucking know. Just put him in the yard. He had always had the shortest shirt because it was like some hand-me-down that didn't really fit him. It was like my brother's old soccer uniform or something. Just a diaper, the shortest shirt and he would just be out there like, like, ah, like screaming. I remember our back neighbor, our neighbor behind us, like had

Aaron in his arms and he would like bang on the house and she'd be like, oh shit, Bruce Brown is bringing back Aaron now. And he'd be like, Karen, you got to take him out. Like, it's too loud. He's in the backyard, whaling again. And she'd be like, Bruce, give me 10 minutes. I got to make dinner. And then my mom one said to me, recently she was like, we never had any discussions about how we raised you. We just did it. Now they talk about it.

I'm like, it's somewhere in the middle. I think you might have wanted to have a chat about just hurling us into the backyard. Right, exactly. Yeah. They didn't say, they didn't have one discussion. They didn't have any plan. And it showed. Yeah, and it kind of did.

I'm like, no kidding, Mom. You won that theory of just putting him in a backyard? My dad would just throw us. He would just throw us towards safety. like usually on a bed, but if you were doing a bad thing, you just felt your dumb body lifted and hurled immediately. And my mom's sex thing was she just put on my book. She was just like weird,

leave weird hippie books on my bed. So it would be like, all about celebrating my body book for young women, like blooming women or something. I'm like, this is too like, yeah. In place of your talk. Yeah, it was like a Georgia O'Keefe painting about like, I think I need to know what's going to happen next.

Yeah. My father said to me, you know about everything, right? Oh, that's terrific. I was like, yeah, I think so. All right, good. Oh, my God.

That's so, Dad. You got this, right? Just don't get AIDS. We don't have to talk about this, right? You know, Dave Jessica, his dad's sex talk was never in the ass and hide your wallet. I was like, Dave, who has to talk about this on stage? Like, Dave will talk, like, he'll talk about, like, he'll analyze, like, the odd couple pilot. I'm like, you need to say this first, okay?

Yeah, that's so great. Did you eat enough? I, you guys, how much did I eat? They're going to get. There's going to be, this is my fear. I love it. This is actually. One of those fast videos of me just stuffing and the bread getting smaller.

This is one of the first times that a bread actually served a purpose. I had some, I had a lot, but it's so good. Oh my God, I love bread so much. That's good. Well, we're going to put it into your, I can't wait to see your suitcase when we stuff it in there. Big guy. I'm worried about you getting to your plane on time. Yes, I am too.

I should be. Yeah. I think, I think we have to, we have to free you. Okay. I would love to keep going. But would you? You're right. Right?

You're absolutely right. Yeah. Now I'm big guy. Mm-hmm. Now I'm Pete. You got to get to the... Yeah, well, your flight is at four. You have to leave.

No, wrong. Okay. Let me call a car. All right, you call a car. My aunt said to... Oh, God, it's always dying. My phone's always dying. Big guy on Netflix now.

Oh, sorry. Oh, we're still on this. Everybody go see it. I think you should probably... got out that last bar. No, I want to keep that. I definitely keep that. You're the best.

I love you. I thought it was over. I didn't mean to turn into such a foul toad and start scrolling. Well, we got to get you out of here. Yes. No, I know it is over. It needs to be because otherwise I'm going to miss my dumb flight and I'll be sitting sleeping on my suitcase, which is called the Red Dragon.

I cannot sleep on the Red Dragon tonight. Oh, sir. Thank you so much. Breaking bread forever. We got it, Joey. When you were little, you have braced some of course of recreat,

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