Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 21 - Robert Kelly

Episode Date: September 29, 2020

We sit and smoke and enjoy the company of the great Robert Kelly - He's a Grill Master - Brilliant Comedian - And a great friend. You're going to invite him to your next barbecue. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, don't you know, it's also a show. Hey! Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I am Tom Papa. Our guest today is going to be the great Robert Kelly. Before we start, let me just thank all of you for listening the relaunch of this podcast into the Breaking Bread form. Matt has been just the greatest. And your responses are insanely positive. And I thank you so much. It really does mean a lot because this is a podcast that is just purely out of passion for celebrating all things comedy and all things food and friends and family and celebration. And, you know,

to do something that you really just love, you hope that it connects with people. as well so you can keep doing it in a in a bigger and bigger way and you guys have been amazing. So thank you all for listening and thank you for subscribing. That's very important. If you haven't subscribed yet, wherever you listen to your podcast, make sure you subscribe so you never miss. If you like to leave a review, that is also something that is very encouraged when people send, when I say people, I mean computer algorithms when they see lots of stars on something, the computer says this must be good. The humans are enjoying this. So anytime you can review it or leave a positive comment, I really appreciate that. And also subscribe on YouTube.

You know, we have a lot of subscribers on the Tompapa YouTube channel, which involves a lot of bread tutorials and stand-up comedy and this podcast. So it's all kind of connected. So if you could subscribe to that. That is, if you listen to this or watch it on YouTube, super cool as well. So again, truly, thank you for the support. This is so much fun to do. And we just want to keep building this community and keep getting better and better. And we have amazing guests coming up.

And today is no exception. Robert Kelly is one of my closest friends. He is a New York comedian. He is New York. He is strong and fast and powerful jokes. And he also has this vulnerability to him that makes him a great, great comedian. And a great father and a great friend. And it's all stuff that he's kind of learned along the way. This did not come naturally. The funny part for Robert Kelly happened naturally. The caring, sensitive, wise man. And he's, that he has become has been something that has been fun to watch because he's one of those people who truly loves life, but also works hard at being better at life along the way. And we get into a little bit about that during the podcast, which is so good to hear. It's just such a nice thing when you see people just kind of growing and evolving. And look, when I say that, I can just

picture Colin Quinn saying, oh my God, please, that guy isn't involved at all and ripping him apart. But no, I would disagree. Robert is such a great guy. He has so many great projects, podcasts. He's Calta and Kelly or Kelly and Calta. Go to Robert Kelly.com and you will see all things, Robert. He has so many great podcasts. He's just great specials. He's just one of the best. And I can't wait until the comedy seller reopens again. And I can go back and spend long periods of time in New York because I get to sit with Robert. And today we break bread and we get into, oh, man, we talk about our epic meals at Del Frisco Steakhouse. You might want to get a steak before you listen to this one.

Enjoy the great Robert Kelly. Bobby. Yes. Glad you've joined me today because we're going to get to the bottom of something. things because we both have pipes. I deduce that, yes. What kind of tobacco are you smoking in that pipe of yours? I, today, I'm smoking a cherry tobacco from, I get at a friend of mine Michael at the Greenwich,

Connecticut, tobacco store. Interesting. The tobacconist of Greenwich. and that is a he makes his own cherry uh-huh and will you admit that you moved to pipes because your wife thinks you smell when you smoke cigars that would be the easy assumption would it be correct it is not correct i moved to pipes because i needed something else to fill the hole of loneliness in my stomach. And now when I travel, when I do, I can find a pipe store and buy old pipes like this Peterson pipe.

Or I can buy this pipe. Oh, that's a nice one. Here we go. This pipe. Or you can get an estate sale. Uh-huh. And get this. an estate sale

so you got that from an estate oh that's a nice type this is a very old pipe that was redone that you got from an estate sale that means like you actually got it from the guy whose lips it was in well this the stem was redone

and the briar was reboard I love how you know the names and I bought this pipe for a hundred dollars and this has seen some history a hundred dollars yeah for this one This one is my favorite pipe. This is a Peterson.

Hmm, it's a Fatso. It's a Sherlock Holmes Peterson. Yes, yes, yes. I don't have tobacco in mine. I just have the pipe. I just like the prop. I like being able to sell people things and point and make my point. Yes.

With the end of my pipe, Bobby Kelly. I like to actually, when you're talking to me, it looks like I'm thinking. So you start talking to me. Robert, you're a great comedian. You are, seem to be pondering when I'm talking to you as you smoke your pipe. This is what I like about you. You, you lock in and then, of course, in a short amount of time, you've educated yourself. You know the types of pipe.

You know the parts of the pipe. And now you have a new thing to go out and buy because Apple isn't coming out with enough new products to stay ahead of your other obsession. I did not realize, but until just now, that you're absolutely right. This is fucking dumb Steve. I'm going to get mouth cancer because Steve Jobs couldn't take care of his ass cancer.

It's really true. You were always on top of it. You were always the cutting edge. You always tech was your thing. And it wasn't just, it wasn't enough just to get the tech and have it working, you needed to have something to look forward to. And this isn't a bad thing, by the way.

No. This was a healthy way for you to take your obsessive behaviors and put it towards something positive. Yes. Yes. Apple was a great, I'm goal-orientated. I need a goal. You can't, like, if I've been to trainers, like, get on the treadmill. How long?

Just get on. I'll tell you when to get off. That's not going to work for me. because if you tell me 15 minutes, I'll do 50 minutes. You tell me an hour, I will kill myself to get to that hour. But if you just say, go ahead, go out and go, the whole time I'll be thinking, stop, stop, stop, this sucks, it sucks. And when I have goals, and Apple actually gave me goals, because every six months or a year,

they would have some type of thing that's coming out that I got to find, even I couldn't afford it. most of the times I couldn't afford it. I could, and I had to get it first. I had to beat the line. I had to somehow get in front of those people and get it because they were going to be. And it was such a mission. I called me and Ryan Hamilton.

He does the same thing. We call the missions. You give yourself missions. When you go on the road, because you're alone. You can't, you can't sleep with other women. This is not an option. You can't do drugs or, you know, get, plastered. So you give myself, I would give myself a mission. Like I, and these, these Apple phones would be a

mission or tech would be a mission. And, uh, you know, and now that technology is so advanced is nothing. We're waiting now for the next iPhone. Right. We're waiting for, like we have projectors. We have flip phones. We have, you know, folding screens. We, everybody has a flat TV. Every, I mean, it's like there's nothing, like the next iPhone hasn't even been thought of. I think what it's going to be is probably some type of wearable. It's not to watch because everybody has the dumb watch and it doesn't show the whole. No, I mean, I got one. I don't wear it.

I wear it pretty often. But it's not as, it's not as, it's not what you wanted it to be. It's not what you want it to be because the battery is Stugats. Right. I got the Garmin watch, which the battery lasts like seven, eight days, 48 hours in some cases. I mean, I can push a button, go ride with Max on a bike, and it tells me where we're going, tells me how to get back. It does all this crazy stuff, which the Apple Watch was supposed to do. But it's really, you see an Apple Watch on moms and wives.

You know what I mean? a lot of wives. Are you calling me a lady? I'm calling you close to a lady. Close to a middle age. Successful. Successful lady. Not just an average lady.

But here's the thing. It doesn't even matter. And I remember recognizing this when I came to you and I was like, should I get the iPad pro? And you kind of looked at me like, I was asking a question about like, should the tech be, is the tech good enough and worth it enough for me to buy it? And I can see in your eyes like you were thinking, that's not the point. It's not the tech. You should buy it if you are walking around for three weeks thinking about it, noodling around on the internet, checking it out, going to the

store. Again, your mission. He's like, you looked at me like, you don't know from the mission. This has nothing to do with whether the iPad is fast or not. the iPad Pro if you are an Apple person you should have that you should not have an older like I have the first iPad Pro my kid uses that now that's a kid's toy I have the iPad pro

I mean that it's it's an amazing piece of equipment but it's like here's a problem with that though Apple stopped designing and started making money. They care more about the bottom line. They care more about dongles and horse shit. And keep in getting the phone, look, the good thing about Apple is not everybody could afford it. You can tell where people were because if you had a Samsung, I know a tax bracket. You're

it. You had to go to T-Mobile and get some type of weird plan. And your phone works in five states. when you had an iPhone it's like look man this is a different game this is a Mercedes to a Toyota right now and now when Apple did is like let's get an iPhone in everybody's hand let's make a red one and a purple one and a yellow one that's affordable

for everybody now you're talking about bottom line now you're just talking about making money Steve Jobs wanted he wanted to keep making Ferraris he wanted to make the Ferraris, and he wanted everything that came out of there to be that quality. Like, yeah, I'm sorry, you can't get this right now.

But you could have a mission to someday find a way to get it. Yeah. And when you do get it, you're going to be like, I got an iPhone. I achieve something. Yeah. I know. It's kind of cheapen the whole endeavor.

I was watching a thing last night, actually, on YouTube. where some guy kind of shits on him. And this is early, like before it all exploded. And he talked about his philosophy that it was about solving people's problems and giving them a lifestyle and then have the tech fill that. Don't come up with a tech like, oh, we can do this thing now. So how do we push that on the people? His was just, his was really a much bigger, grander picture.

And you really do feel his absence now. do feel like this isn't so much about a movement. This is now just product. Yeah, it's Samsung. It's Sam. I mean, it's just, you know. And that's why you picked up a pipe. And that's where, this is my new iPhone.

Yeah. This is my new iPhone. This pipe right here was very hard to get. It's a, because I didn't want to pay the $390 for this pipe. I didn't want to have to go to Ireland to get this pipe. $390. I found this piping yonkers for 200 bucks.

200 bucks. Yes. It's expensive. It's expensive, but it's not 400. Good point, good point. Now, you and I have shared many great cigars together. We have a great history of great meals, great comedy, and great cigars. And you leaving the cigar world makes me nervous.

I'm not, I'm not leaving the cigar world at all. I love cigars. But the thing about a pipe, first, for, what is that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm in the middle of a podcast, by the way.

Tell her I say hello. She slammed the door. This is the problem. She's in, she's homeschooling today. She's, her friend is here. Mm-hmm. You know what that means? And she's homeschooling today.

I've been in here doing podcasts all day. Spoking a pipe. And she just came in here and said, I need your help. And as a husband, as a man, I should have got up and said, Tom, give me one sec. What do you need, baby? I went, I'm podcasting. You've got a microphone. This is the problem, though, because as comedians, we were always able to go about our business, which is, look, podcasting is.

a great, this is great. I'm already having a great time. Going doing stand-up, an amazing time. Going and traveling to do stand-up, an even greater time. And you are able to keep those separate from your family and just call home and say, oh, I'm working. It's hard. Now we're doing it all from our homes, they see that we enjoy ourselves 90% of the day. And it just makes them angry. It's so we had, listen, we had the illusion. Yeah. As a professional male stand-up comedian, even a female comedian who's married, when you call home, you have to go, hey, what, you have to give a, what's up?

What's going on? You're all right? Yeah, I'm good. Just, you know, a lot of work. I got to do the show. I got to get my thing together. I got to do radio this morning. and you know press a lot of press not a press and then but they don't realize that we wake up we get to go make

people laugh they give us coffee we go to breakfast we do these shows it's such a great time it's such an ego oh my god then you come back to the hotel and you can take a nap until seven and every stop along the way there's laughter involved someone is laughing the guy driving you to radio you're making him laugh then you get to the radio station you make the kid who walks you in laugh then you get sit down and now you're on radio or television you're making all those people laugh then you get back into the car make that guy laugh on the way back

and then you go out at night and it's just more laughter so when they hear the laughter now coming from the other room while they're trying to homeschool and zoom and they're miserable and your kid is angry this is not good for us this is it's like it's like if it's like we're like David Blaine and we're letting them see all of the tricks. Yeah, I feel like, yeah, like Wizard of Oz,

when the stupid dog went under the curtain, that little rat. And I'm like, get out of here. And then they flip it up and they're like, what? You napped from fucking 11 to 5 o'clock and then had lunch. And then did two hours of work making people left. And then went back and got wings and watched a movie until 2 in the morning. What up? I've been doing math with a seven-year-old for an hour and a half.

My daughter came up to me last night and she was doing exponents in chemistry and needed to find the thing on the calculator to the, what's the button for the exponent? I, first of all, don't know what an exponent is. Second of all, couldn't find it on the thing. And literally the whole interaction was five minutes. And I was like leaning on the counter like, oh, geez, I got to lay down. I'm like, this is not my problem. It really does take the wind out of you when you do something you don't really know what to do. It really does.

It made me feel for her. I'm like, I get it. I get why you're exhausted and angry and pulling your hair out right now. I know. I feel so bad. I did this 40 years ago. I never did it, Tom. I never did it.

My kids fucked if something happens to my wife. I know exactly. We're going to have to go to crime. We're going to have to do something in crime. But then when they come to you and they ask you a question as my daughter did earlier in the night about dancing, about when rehearsal was going to be and when the recital was going to be and how the teacher was going to be picking, I was all in. I'm like, oh, I know the politics of this and I know when you're going to be forming. I'm like that angle, that part, if you're going to go in the arts, I got you covered.

I got you. Chemistry? No. Yeah, you're going to have to rent a dad if mom's on around. Yeah. I got a, I got yesterday. I got one of his problems wrong. I went in yesterday because my wife, my wife was, she was just had it.

She fucking was snapping. So she's like, I need to go outside. So I was like, I took it. You know, you come in. Hey, let's make this fun. Yeah. Within 10 minutes, I'm like, Max, this is the answer. He's like, Dad, it's not the answer.

That's it. I'm like, Max, stop messing around. And I pushed the button. He goes, it was just, wrong. He's like, now I'm going to get it wrong because he's you. And he's seven. And I'm just like, I'm sitting there going, I'm sorry. Like, I'm back in school.

Like, I messed up. I'm so sorry. And my wife came back and just go, just go back into your shed and smoke a pipe, you loser. It's not my department. It's not my department. Yes, it's not my department. This is my department.

That's right. Exactly. When you were a child, when you were seven years old, yeah. Who was feeding you? What was like the, who was the person that was giving you a meal that made you feel like you were loved at seven? You know, I just talked about this with therapy yesterday. I didn't get that at Max's age.

At Max's age, I don't remember ages, grades three, four, and five. I remember the end of five because I had a very abusive stepfather. So from kindergarten to sixth grade, it was very, very bad. Third, fourth, and fifth grade, I don't remember at all. Like, I don't have a memory. Wow. And I never.

He was that bad that you think you block it out? He was that bad. But even like just not being, I don't remember any lessons being taught. Like I'll sit down with Max and the other day he had candy in his room. And he opened it up. He's like, dad, look. And he had a little box of candy. And I immediately was like, are you supposed to do that?

And he's like, no. And he knew I turned on him. Yeah. Usually you're safe. Yeah. Exactly. I go, are you supposed to do? do that? Do you think he goes, no? I go, you think your mom's going to be happy? He's like,

well, he's like, you're going to tell her? I go, no, I go, it's up to you. I go, I'm going to put it on you. You can keep that candy in your thing or you can tell your mom, hey, I put this in there. I'm sorry, I messed up here, give her the candy. I'm going to make you make that decision. I'm going to, and you tell me how you feel with what the decision you made. Oh, very nice. And he made the right decision. He says, all right. And he took the candy. And he took the candy. he gave it mom i had this and she was like okay and i i took one out of the box before i go here that's for you for making the right choice and i gave him nice i never had that i i don't remember any lessons anything about sex anything about uh making good choices anything about right and

wrong i don't remember being talked to i remember being called an idiot a fucking moron shut the fuck up getting hit. I remember them fighting with my mother and my sister, but I don't remember, hey man, Camille, let me talk to her for a sec about this. None of that. What about your mom? Not really, because it was a,

even my mom, you get to remember my mom when she had my sister, she was 15, she had me when she was 18. So my mom was in her 20s. Yeah. And she was a kid. It's like, yeah. So it's like, she had to work. So she was gone

Yeah A lot And there was more of Don't fucking do that Or stop that More than Hey let me ask you a question Let me

You know how do Like last week Max did something bad And I had He got so embarrassed And he walked away And I took him out front And instead of

I was like I everybody came down on him At once right Yeah Yeah And he fucking just Of course Just caved

Yeah Went out front I went out and I grabbed him and I'm like, what's up? He's like, nothing. I go, how are you feeling? He goes, I'm no, I'm not. I go, just tell me how you feel it. He goes, I don't want to.

And I'm like, Max, it's the only way out of this. I go, I'm not going to let you leave unless we sat on a tree swing. It was kind of like a, you know, some hallmark movie moment. But you know what I mean? Yeah. But we sat there and I said, just tell me how you feel. We're not going back to the party. and he wound up telling me that he hurts in here and everybody yelled at me and I was like

well max and then we talked about it I'm like why don't you just go say sorry I go you sorry he goes yeah I go if you say sorry it will go away you'll feel better once that person goes okay yeah so he did I don't remember I I never had that type of stuff then how did you and then how did you get it? Because what you're describing is not just average parenting. It's great parenting. And it usually takes an innate understanding of what that relationship is because you were brought up that way. So how did you get it?

Because I know through all the, through all the work I've done since I got sober at 15, all that work I did. on, you know, in the books I've read and the people I've talked to, all the stuff I've done spiritually, you know, for that many years, 35 years. Yeah. I've learned what we are, what we're about, what people are. And what is the right thing? What is the wrong thing?

There's no gray area. And I also know about communication, you know, what real communication, because as an adult or as trying to get sober, you can't, you need to express your feelings. You need to apologize for wrongs. You need to accept people's apologies. You need to let stuff go. So all that stuff that I learned, right, trying to get healthy myself from being so twisted. Yeah. Now it's just, I'm, I just do that with my kid. So when I see him, no, I'm not perfect. I've, I've, I've yelled that. you know him sure and he's come up to me and said dad it doesn't make me feel good inside when you yell at me and immediately I'm like oh fuck motherfucker okay I'm sorry for you know it does backfire

no it's always a work in progress but I have to say it it's interesting that it that you started this talk about a mission you started this mission at 15 when you were getting sober And I'm sure there were, there were, you didn't even know you were on a mission, you were just trying to get out of the storm at that age. But I know just from being friends with you for so long that there were, there were leaps that you made socially where I knew, where you were growing just within like the last 20 years. Yeah. Like you, you still had other demons and things that were going on when we were at the cellar early on. Yeah. You know, and you've made, you've made leaps from that point to now, like, you've really grown.

It's a very interesting thing to think that you didn't just clean up at 15. Like, this became a mission of yours. Like, you were constantly working on it. It's, uh, it's really admirable. Well, it's funny because people say people don't change. People say, you're the, I know who you are. Right. I have friends.

When we get to an hour, I know who you are. It's like, okay, I'm not going to say that you're wrong. And I do believe it's hard for people to change. But I believe it's your job to constantly evolve. Right.

I believe it's your job. Look, I have friends of mine that just think I'm this fucking angry guy. You know what I mean? And they'll never let go of that. They'll always because of what my, I affected them because of my, whatever. So they'll be like, oh, he's just fucking yells. And it's like, okay, number one, you're right.

That was wrong of me to do. I shouldn't have done it. And I know that. Number two, you know, I apologize. Number three, because I did that, because I was doing that for something, that was me trying to fucking change. That was me trying. trying to, something was happening with me where anger was coming out.

And I went and figured out what that was. Now that I know what it was, I know exactly. And I started to do the things that I will help that. So now I don't have those situations as much with these people. So those people, they're done. That's who I am. that's who I am so I I've moved on to other people yeah that know me now right right so you know I mean like you yeah no absolutely because they get they get locked in and they just like it's kind of

that's kind of why you at some point have to break away from family be in a way because everybody has their roles and it doesn't and you know I see it even in dealing with with my kids it's like you've got to allow them room to grow and you've got to give them more credit because we all get into these routines like you just you just correct them all the time about this thing that they do and it's like you back off and give them a chance so they can kind of prove themselves you know we all get into these routines is what I'm trying to say and you and and if you're not aware and your family just pins you or your friends in this in this instance they just know you as that guy they're just going to treat you as that guy and

excuse me there is a part of that guy that is in you yeah and they can drag it out of you oh yeah start and you start acting that way again it's like you go backwards it's the it's the emotional hangover yeah is what I hate I hate the emotional I

I I I I you know when you do these things or when your friends trigger them in you yeah it's because I am a genuine guy I am trying to be a good person. Yeah.

That I have, I get this emotional hangover the next day where I'm like, oh, fucking what I do. Why'd I have to say that? And that was just unnecessary. I don't want that shit anymore. I don't want to, I don't want to have those. It's like worse than an alcohol hangover. Yeah. It's just like, yeah.

Fuck. And, you know, we want to be friends. everybody wants a gang i've wanted to be part of something since i was young because i had nothing right so like even us me you uh jim keith voss calling you know the seller it's we have this thing that we're a part of right yeah but and and we're always going to be the same people in that but you can grow like outside of that but if you try you i just have to know that once i go in there it is what that is yeah right that's that little thing that's a game we play but well you can step out of that i can call you or calling or even norton or both and we're we're on to another

we're evolved we're dealing with the evolved each of us you know what i mean Yeah, which I think is kind of unique to that friendship is that it is a group of people who are kind of searching all the time and improving and getting better. And like, Jimmy's always kind of working on himself. And Colin has always that way. It's like it's not a static. It's a bunch of, it's a bunch of spiritual lugs. Yes. I'm glad you did not mention Keith of Voss when you said, they're not evolving at all.

They're just, Keith is exactly who he is going to be. until he dies. Yeah, it is true. Let's talk about that group, though, because it is a great group and is a deep friendship, and it all comes out of the cellar with Noam and Estes and Liz and all. And we have these great, great dinners, which up until recently,

we've been able to, two, probably like three to four times a year, we would all get together and have this great meal. And it really kind of, we kind of searched in the beginning, but it kind of landed at Del Frisco's Steakhouse in New York right there across some Radio City Music Hall. Yeah, we did a little searching. Yeah, right?

It was more you searching. There was more your little, let's try this place. And then we went like, it stinks. And then we all hated you until we were back to Del Frisco's. No, I didn't make the last mistake when we went to Il Molinos, which was a great Italian place. but that's a good place for four people tops yes it's really should just be you and your your girl it shouldn't be 12 people with extra tables and be loud I know we need to be at del friscoes where there's a lot of loud businessmen drinking scotch and martinis and we actually aren't as loud as everybody else

exactly yeah exactly we just we just we just we're just cattle inside of a herd at del friscoes you know what I mean at any other restaurant it's the Rocky Harrah picture show at tavern on the green it's just not you know what I mean it's like the movie hair

remember movie hair we just fucking running on tables and shit it's just not yeah it's not us but man those are they're great meals because the friendship is there but it's also great meals

because that food is that is some of the best steak I have in New York it's awesome because there's a commitment to it. You know what I mean? Because there are times,

I don't, you know, I don't know if I, I don't want to go, but then you're like, no, Bob, you have to go. Because this doesn't happen. That's right. A lot of people's lives. A lot of people don't have this commitment of friendship that we have. And it went from Manny to his son and his family. That's right.

nasty, Ava, to all us comics. Yeah. And it's like, it's our obligation because we're committing to this, this friendship. Yeah. Even though it's devastating to go to because you're going to be made fun of for your outfit, your hat, whatever you've done in the last four months. Right. Whatever failures you have. Yeah.

Whatever Norton is eating. I get this with no butter and no taste. Do you have anything that looks like me on the menu? Yeah, the clam jokes about Nortonero is some of my favorites. Jim on a half shell. But the funny part is we always try to add somebody new and it never works. Yeah. Well, I have to take credit that it's my job to be the one that says, okay, it's time for another one.

And I'll contact Noam and then get the chain on. like it's which is a big lift in its own and you kind of have to you kind of have to just do it is just make the contact and someone has to push it someone has to be like okay it's it's time let's go do this again yeah and uh and and and make it happen uh but it's and i do take credit for it because i do believe that it is a super important thing that you you have to oh if it wasn't for you if it was left up to any one of us it would not it would just be wings at the cellar on a tuesday Oh, it would be just, it would never happen.

Absolutely. And you, but here's the funny part is you get, you do do that, but we give you shit for doing it. Oh, 100%. As soon as I say, hey, guys, it's time for a big friendship dinner. The first thing is Colin just saying, you're not the boss of us. Keith's saying we're tired of you talking. When you're not invited this time. Yeah.

They try to kick you out. They tried to do it without you one time. I believe that's a fact. I think we took a vote. I think there was a vote on it. Tom can't come. Yes. I do believe that there was actually a dinner that happened without me and everybody got quiet about it and wouldn't, wouldn't admit it to me.

I don't remember that. I don't remember that. I don't know. I don't remember that. I'm not saying it's not true. I am not saying that. I just don't have the memory I used to have. But I always know you're there because we always go, what are you going to get?

And it's always the same thing. You and I lock in. Yeah, we lock in the ribby. We get the ribby bone in. Usually go bone in. I like bone out because I think the bone is a sham. I do too. Just wait.

Yeah. And it's just wait. So I don't remember that. I do know that it's been such a, there's been such epic moments. There's the time that we were leaving and Keith, farted. Oh my God. And it was so bad that he made people mad like in the restaurant.

I remember it was just so bad that we just ran out of the restaurant. It is such a gigantic place with the highest ceilings in all of, like there's two floors. Yeah. And the first part, the seating part has no ceiling. It goes up to the second part. It is, it's a place you could have the meal now in COVID and everybody could be safe. It's that open air. Yes.

The fact that Keith. farted and offended six tables around him it shows that he was really dying and we weren't aware of it this is before his stroke I think that was his body letting him know he's going to have a stroke

because it was so bad it came out it smelled like somebody's shit on my head it was so bad and I remember the time one of the greatest times ever was when

Nome invited the producer to pitch a show. He invited a fucking somebody. We know of us knew, not even known, a producer to come and pitch a series to all of us at the table. And we, and it started with you, I believe. We all gave him an opportunity.

And you just laid into this guy like I've never, like people don't understand about you, that you're actually this great, nice guy. Hey, how you doing? But you're Italian. And there's a, there's a thing in you that happens when something that you love is in jeopardy. Yes. That you turn into a fucking mob boss.

And I remember you, you fucking attack this guy in a very, just a very pointed way. And you put this, this guy from Australia, which is not a, you know, tough to do. And then we just opened the floodgates to attack them. Well, it was so offensive. I mean, because those dinners are precious. They are our family. And we don't get to do them that often. And then he know him.

I don't know what he was thinking. He brought him in. He wanted us to give approval for this guy to shoot a reality show about the seller. Yes. And it was like, well, first of all, we're angry that we're going to be presented to. We should be all just talking and making fun of Jim looking like a clam. And this guy just starts on a pitch. And so it offended me for ruining the dinner.

And then to make a shitty reality show out of our life at the cellar, take this precious thing. You don't turn this into some reality show, Bravo Network bullshit. This is our life you're talking about. And now you're going to gin it up and get Jim fighting against Colin. And so that hurt me also. And I was just like, I will not. let this stand. You did not.

But I think, I don't think I really believe that Nome just loves chaos. He is, he loves, he loves, he's one of the great arguers.

He's just really good at debating and arguing and having a point and, you know, and he, and he, when he brought that guy in, and when his reaction, when we started turning on him,

he loved it. He loved it. You can see him going, what the fuck? You know, there's something about it that something new at the day at this dinner that he was like, I spiced it up. I made it good.

He did. He did. And back to your earlier point, we always try and bring somebody new into the dinner. People who aren't like that center core, we bring other comedians in to give them a shot and see how it'll go. And without naming names, there have been some pretty decent ones and some where they just bomb.

They just bomb at the table. This never sticks. It just doesn't stick. You can't. There's a, some people have come close, but no one has ever made the grade. You know what I mean? No one has ever made the grade where the next time when you're picking the people. Yeah.

And you go, yeah, let's make sure he's there or she's there. Yeah. It's always the same group where we're like, let's get somebody new. Yeah. Yeah, that's a great point. No one's ever broken through and been like, oh, so. No. Bob's going to always be there.

It's always like, yeah, he was pretty good. Let me try somebody else. It's always like being at a buffet, but you know you're only like five things in that buffet. But then all of a sudden there's risotto. Rizotto and a buffet? Let me try it. It was good, but now I'm, no.

It's such a balance. I mean, it really is such an art putting together a dinner like that because you want the food to be great. You want everybody, that's going to lift everybody. spirits. But if you have one person too many and it expands that table too much or if you're at a straight table, it kills it because you need that rhythm. You need everybody to be able to hear each other and get in. And we've gotten certain times where it's been too big and you get stuck with a couple of people that aren't really talking. And then you see across and you're like,

what it looks like they're having fun. What are they saying? I would say, I think the group is always at like 10 or 12. It should never be bigger than that. Yeah. It really, because it's such a, you can blow it. The whole night could be lost just with one extra person. But we've never blown it.

Because that, if we do blow it, you know the next time it's going to be, yeah, we've never, every time we've left, even with that producer. Yeah. We've always had, when you leave, it's like, I'm so grateful I did this. I'm so, I,

so happy I'm part of this. Yeah. I mean, 100%. And you got to give one. Oh, the food's not, but you got to give Juanita,

pick up the tap. Yes. We don't have to pay. That's a big thing. No, we could all chip in and make it happen if we had to. But what a treat that. We absolutely could.

And I'm sure we're gun no now. Now the seller's been closed for. Oh, there's no way one need is going to give him the green light to fucking pay for you. No. No. So I'm sure that that aspect of it. So I went by the cellar last week. You did. Yeah? Do you sit around? Do you sit down? I worked in Mohican Sun. So I had one day in the city where I slid in and went by the cellar and sat with Atel and Liz and stuff outside. And I saw where they're going to start doing a little stand up in that upstairs. You saw that. You saw that right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's going to be back immediately. Once they open up, it will be back. And I think they have a good plan. You know, the Pussy Cat Lounge, the Pussy Cat, the Bar, and Olive Tree. Yeah.

Yeah, I think they got a good plan. I think Noam's ready to go. He's ahead of the game. It's just now they had a meeting today. They're trying to get something going with Cuomo to release at least half capacity. at comedy clubs. They're holding back comedy clubs and we don't know why.

It's an LA thing too. It's never in the conversation. Like we want the comedy store out here to be open and it's never a part of the comedy. Like when they go through the phases, you get to like phase six and still no mention of comedy clubs. And the sad part is that some of these clubs

could have opened in the last two months and made some money. And, you know, because if it comes back, it's going to be close. And some of these clubs that are making money outdoors are going to be fucked in a couple months. Because I just did an outdoor show.

And at around 9 o'clock, you know, people were sitting there with blankets. There was some dummy who wore shorts that day because it was nice out. Just looking at an audience member shivering is almost worse than looking at somebody drunk. It's just sitting there like this, the whole show. It's like, God damn it, get a blanket.

And you can make it work indoors. I mean, I've done three or four clubs now. And, you know, you distance it. And if you're on top of it, you can make it happen. Yeah. But let's be honest. The only reason we really wanted to open is so that noam will make some money and be able to bring us back to Del Frisco's. You just want to go back?

I just want to get that table and that, that ribby. I mean, how? Oh, God. Can you make a steak on your own? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I take over cooking in the summertime. You do?

I do, yeah. I am, it's funny because this year I started smoking meats. Oh, you have a smoker? Well, I didn't, but you know, Sean Donnelly. Uh-huh. Uh, he called me up one day at the beginning of the summer. He said, hey, you want a smoker? And I was like, why?

What? Yeah, but why? He goes, I got a brand new smoker. Uh, you want to come by and grab it? So I was like, yeah, so I went to his apartment in Queens. And he had a four-foot grill master smoker, electric smoker. Apparently, he was going to smoke brisk. in his apartment.

In Queens? And he realized when he got the smoker that it literally says don't do that. Like you can't smoke meat inside. No. It's smoke. God bless him. God bless him for trying. So I tried to give him some money and he was like, nope, I want to learn this lesson.

I want to take the hit. So it's like a $400 smoker. Wow. So I took that back. to my house and I smoked ribs. I smoked brisket. Really? So I started smoking this year.

And then, yeah, but the grill, we just had a fucking, I mean, a nightmare too, because I cook on the grill. I'm the grill guy. Right. I take care of my grill like most people take care of their fucking Ferraris

or their babies. You know what I mean? I clean it. I got a Weber. Nice. Genesis. Solid. It's a solid.

It's a solid grill. and I love it. I clean it after every time I use it. I clean it. Gas. Gas. Right. And I know where the hot spots are.

I know where the cold spots are. I cook for 60 people on that thing. Whoa. We have the Max's barbecue before. I'd have 50, 60 people there. I'm sitting there flipping. I cook burgers. I cook the hot dogs,

the sausages, the steak tips, bang, boom, no sweat. I hired a cook one year. Uh-huh. Don't, I want you to have fun. I want you to relax.

We're going to hire a chef. Right. She doesn't get it. I don't want to say they because I want to generalize women, but they don't get it. I don't want to talk to. I want to cook. So we hired this girl. She comes over.

She's got a hot dog. She got a hamburger space, hamburger space, hot dog space, hot dog space. I walk over to the grill. I go, listen to me. I got 50 people hungry. Hot dog, hot dog, hot dog. hot dog, hot dog, hamburger, hamburger, hamburger, hamburger, hamburger, hot dog, hot, hot, hop.

Flip, go. Go. I go, I go, listen, you're used to cooking cornish game hens. I got, I got 50 hungry, hungry people here right now. Hot dog, hot dog, hot dog. Hamburger, hamburger, hamburger. You jam that grill full of meat. Let it drip down the bottom.

I'll clean it later. And I was like, beat it. I kicked her off the grill halfway through. And then from now on, I just, I cook. So this year, do you, do you feel like the smoker, has the smoker taken over the grill? It sounds like the grill is still the king. A smoker takes nine hours, dude. I mean, I had to wake up the last brisket I made.

We had a barbecue a couple weeks ago. I had, I put it on at 1.30 at night and took it off at 1.30 the next day. Oh, God. So it's, it's, you know what I mean? That's, that's. But when you, you eat it, you're like, worth it. But, you know. Yeah.

So, well, we were cooking this year. I don't know what happened. What I do? So anyways, I went out somewhere. I had to go get something. And Dawn decided to put a chicken, a whole chicken on the grill. Okay?

And she put it on one of these things that you stick a chicken on it. And then she went inside to clean the bathroom. Oh, God. I come home. She's standing in front of my fucking Weber, my beautiful Weber. It's on fire.

And I pull up to drive her and I see her. She's staring at it. I'm like, I got out of the car. I go, what are you doing? She goes, the grill's on fire. I go, we'll pull it out. She goes, with what?

I go, the thing they've been using for the last thousands of years to put fire out. She goes, where do I get it? I go, there's a pool behind you. Stick your shoe in it. The fucking thing. I'm like, what is wrong with you? I looked the side of the grill. It's not our territory.

Oh, the side of the grill was cracked. All the great's rust. because I had to put water. I was, I mean, oh my God. I was, and I was a point where I was like, you know,

and I actually went back to later than I go, listen, I kind of snapped. Yeah. I was like, listen, it's just a grill. You know,

I had to do that thing, that emotional hangover. I was like, right. It's just a grill. We're in a pendant. Listen, and I love you.

It doesn't matter. You're my favorite. Yeah. And I called Weber the next day, 10 year warrant. they sent me everything new. Wow. It's a brand new grill.

I'm so happy. That's amazing. Oh, yeah. I was so happy. Because I made it about my father who passed away, my stepfather, Larry, who died, I made it about him because he, you know, he helped me get the grill. And I was like, my father, you know, we have to fucking make your wife feel bad. You know what I mean?

Oh, this is to your wife? I thought you meant to Weber. No, to my wife. I was like, my fall, Larry gave me that grill. Help me. She's like, I didn't give it to you. He helped me get it. Just trying to bag, put some guilt on top of it.

All right, take me through with you making the perfect steak. Well, the perfect steak to me, first of all, is I, you have to get a steak with some fat on it. It needs some, it needs some fat on it. And I would say, I want to oil that. I want to put a little oil. I don't use butter. You go thick? You go like a.

I go a thick steak. I don't. mind a small steak, but that's for breakfast. Right. You know what I mean? I love a small steak for breakfast. Right. This is the steak.

The steak. You got to get oil. Okay. You need the kosher salt, the thick, not that. Not the sea salt. Like, I, not the little fine salt where you go, you know, you put it. I want thick of salt. Chunks.

And I want some pepper on that. Okay. And my trick is. is you put a little, a little bit of onion powder on there. A little bit of onion powder. It gives it a little good taste. And then you have to put it down. This is the trick.

You put it on the grill. Five minutes. On high. On high. Five minutes. Flip it. Five minutes. Flip it.

Four minutes. Flip it. Four minutes. Flip it. Three. Two. One. Done.

Nice. Done. you should be right at medium medium a little not medium well not medium rare but pink in the middle i like pink in the middle and a little bit of crust on the outside and a little gray you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah because i know some people take like a cast iron and try and sear it to get that outside thing yeah it's i yeah right it's i get it i get it yeah but it's for a steak yeah look a steak The greatest part about a steak is this. You put it on your grill.

In 10 minutes, you're going to eat a piece of meat. You're going to have a meal that makes you feel like a man. It's really true. And the only thing I do with it is a baked potato. I mean, to have anything else other than a baked potato with a steak. Yeah. I mean, get an air fryer. The air fryer saved my life.

I lost 45 pounds with the air fryer. Oh, my God. Get an air fryer and bake a potato. Clean it, oil it, put holes in it, salt and pepper it, 30 minutes, 35 minutes in an air fryer. It's just like being in the oven. That steak and that potato with some type of vegetable just to keep you honest. Just to keep you honest. I mean, my love is a basic green salad.

Yeah. Oil and red wine vinegar, salt and pepper, a little bit of lemon. I'm done. That's that's my meal. Yeah, that's perfect. What's this air fryer you speak of? Dude, you have to get an air fryer. Really? Why? I've given them for gifts. I gave Esty one.

I got one for my sister. I've got one for friends. Because an air fryer, it just cooks shit. Like, I've cooked steaks in an air fryer and they come out amazing. I'll put salmon in an air fryer. And you're, oh. a little asparagus on each side, piece of salmon, big piece of salmon, oil it, salt and pepper it,

air fryer on fish mode. It comes out, knock your socks off. Jeez. Air fry, if you don't have an air fry, you're crazy. I've never even thought about an air friar.

Oh, air friar. I cook everything in the air friar. You can bake in the air friar, speaking to you. Can you hold the pipe and tell me to get an air friar so I feel like you're more serious? I would, if I was going to tell you one thing in life, I would say get an air fryer. Oh, now I'm writing it down. Air fry, get the biggest one, five quarts.

And try to get some reviews on it. I have a corsari or something like that. It's pretty good. The ninja is all right. Ninja just came out with a double air fryer. So you can air fry potatoes in one and fish in the other. I cook most of my meals in the air friar. What is your other than steak?

What is your favorite go-to grill meal? Grilled chicken. You get a drum stick with the thigh attached bone in with the skin. Of course. Listen, there's no better piece of the bird. The drumstick and the thigh connected with the skin. Yeah.

salt and pepper a little oil perfect right yeah there's no better piece of meat no barbecue sauce no barbecue it's all sugar yeah you're right you know here's a trick you don't need any sauces if the steak is good you don't need sauces if the if it's if it's seasoned correctly you don't need you don't need that shit no no i mean i know just salt and pepper so it's really all you need. But I have to say, and I know it's, maybe it's the New Jersey in me, even as great as a steak is, a little A1 on the side makes me really happy. I can deal with A1, but if I see ketchup on your plate, I'll leave your house. I would never. I would never. I will fucking leave your house if I see ketchup. I would, I mean, it's just, unless it's the morning. I understand you're at a

fucking waffle house and you order the steak. You got to do something. right now you really dropped 40 pounds yeah i dropped 45 i was well as a 45 um around 40 45 yeah i remember you starting to dial it in about i don't know like nine months ago yeah when i got back from aruba this time i got on the whole 30 diet which has changed my life it's supposed to be for 30 days i just eat like this all the time no no dairy no grains no legumes and no um sugar Right. Right. Okay, so if we're at Del Frisco's again, pandemic's over, we're back at Del Frisco's.

We've had the big steak. We've had the potato. We've had the salad. We've had the clams. We've had the crab cakes, those jumbo shrimps. Yep. Just the meal is just cascading all around us. And then it's the end of the meal.

Yeah. And you know our favorite thing to do is to get that giant piece of lemon cake. Yes. Possibly the best lemon cake I've ever had in my life. possibly the best cake, one of the best cakes. Yeah, period. Are you not getting it now? Are you leaving me by myself to have the...

I would have to... I'm going to have to think about that, Thomas. For real? I'm going to have to think about that. It depends on when it is. No. But I could... Yeah, because if I didn't have anything for three weeks,

I could have a bite of it. A bite of it. You're that strict. Yeah, I have to be right now. Jeez Louise. Yeah. Yeah, geez a wheeze is right. It's a rough world out there, Thomas.

You're smoking a pipe, but you won't have a bite of the cake. Yeah, that's correct. I don't. Because even if I get mouth cancer, I can be thin. I don't want to be the friend that knocks you out and takes your goals away. But I would come at you hard at the end of that meal

and make sure that you had that cake. And I would not, I would not, I would not put up much of a fight. Let's just say that. Yeah, that'd be like, that'd be like attacking your wife in an alley. They're like, oh, no, Tom. Oh, come here.

My wife keeps sticking her head in. I got to wrap this up. She is pissed. She's angry. Is she really? The last one, she stuck her head in at the bottom of the door. holding the dog and went like this and just didn't say, didn't say a word,

just went, I don't know what, I'm pretty sure that means I'm going to kill you or stab you, I think, I don't know what that means like that. I don't know, there's non-verbals. I'm in trouble. I don't, because she's in there with him with school.

Yeah. So I think that he's, he pushed her over the edge. And I'm in here and she could probably hear me chuckling. She hears you laughing. Oh, my Lord. We should have kept it serious. Oh, she is.

What are you going to have for dinner tonight? Probably nothing after this. I'm probably going to have to go somewhere. I'm probably going to have to go out and eat and get some food. I don't know if she's going to cook tonight. Does she cook most of the meals? She cooks most of the meals when this, you know, it gets cold now. But yeah, but she's such a wonderful cook, dude.

I know. She's good. She's so good. She's so good. good. That's, you know, that was part of you gaining weight was you married someone that was cooking a lot for you and was happy to see you happy with what she made. Oh, I would hum. The chicken catchetory. I mean, hum, I did. I used to hum when I ate. I used to eat, and I just, um, and she used to laugh. I was, what are you laughing at? She goes, nothing. I just like

when you're humming. Yeah. It's, it was. Bobby, what should the people know about you? Are you out on tour now? You got your podcast rolling. Well, yeah, I got Robert Kelly Live.com for my tickets. I'm actually going to, uh, uh, Houston this weekend, uh, Tempe next weekend. The weekend have that. I have a very big show coming out with Ron Bennington outside at a stadium at Blue Claw

Stadium in New Jersey, October 21st. What's that stadium? It's, uh, it's a baseball stadium out in, um, out. in Jersey and it's it's actually me just me and we're on oh that's great um and to get tickets it's very hard to get tickets so we made it easy a live from homeplate dot com we'll bring you right to the if you try to go through the blue cloths it's impossible live from homeplate dot com is the tickets with me and him and VIPs i think are sold out and the rest of the tickets are available it's going to be an epic last of the year outdoor big show

And then of course, I do a show six nights a week on Patreon is how I'm really making most of my living right now. Yeah. At patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. I do my podcast. I do Calter and Kelly, me and the great Mike Carl to do a show four nights a week there. Yeah, it was fun. A lot of fun working with him. Yeah.

He's so great and such a different. We have such a good chemistry together. And then I have my one-on-ones and I have live from the shed, which you, I haven't done. No, I haven't. When I come back east. Yeah, come up. We'll smoke a pipe and we'll shoot the show. It's pretty easy.

We'll social distance. It'll be nice. Yes. Oh, please. I'll cook some steaks. Ah, the best. Well, Bobby, you're the best. And I have to say, we'll continue to share great cigars and great meals together.

And as you have on your mission evolved as a great father and a great husband, it's been really fun to watch. And I remember one instance specifically, we were downstairs at the cellar before you were married, or maybe you were just married. And I complimented you about something. I said something about like good set or something. We were in the little hallway there at the cellar. And you turned to me like defensive, like because you were used to your friends always or just people always kind of picking on you. And you stopped and you were like, you're being sincere right now.

And I was like, yeah, it was really great. And you were like, oh, okay, I got to get better at accepting that. That's true. It's true. It's really true. And I'm used to accepting it better. Yeah, yeah. And I have to say, it's been, you're one of my favorite people on the whole planet.

You're so damn funny. And it's that quest and that truthfulness that makes you such a great act and a great friend. and I'm sorry that Dawn is going to beat you up when this is over. I'm actually quite nervous, and I am likewise back to you, and hopefully we'll see you at Del Frisco soon. And if I need help, I might text you. All right. Okay. You're the best, Bobby.

You too, buddy. I'll talk to you later. All right, love you.