Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 212 - Steven Rogers

Episode Date: June 6, 2024

Steven Rogers joins the table and offers his take on hotel fitness centers, hairless cats and marrying another comic. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- About Steven: Originally from Syracuse, NY Steven Rogers is comedian based in NYC who has been making others laugh for most of his life. Performing in clubs and theaters all over the country, Steven has opened for comedians such as Brian Regan, Joe List, Tom Papa, Nate Bargatze and Taylor Tomlinson.Steven’s clever rapid fire material full of observations about his life and the world around him has lead him to appearing on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert, The Late Late Show with James Corden and Dry Bar Comedy. His debut album/special “Before He Was Super” quickly hit #1 on iTunes and was named one of Paste’s Top 12 Best Comedy Albums of 2022 and one of Vanyaland’s Favorite Comedy Releases of 2022 and can be heard regularly on Sirius Radio.When not touring all over North America, Rogers is a regular at clubs throughout New York City. About Tom: Tom Papa, a celebrated stand-up comedian with over 20 years in the industry, has made significant strides in film, television, radio, podcasts, and live performances. Notably, he's a regular on "The Joe Rogan Experience" and various late-night TV shows. Papa's literary skills are evident in his books “We’re All In This Together” and "You’re Doing Great!: And Other Reasons To Stay Alive," a collection of essays, and "Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas," a comedic look at family life. His latest stand-up specials are “Tom Papa: What A Day!” and "Tom Papa: You’re Doing Great!" on Netflix. Beyond comedy, Papa's engagements extend to hosting "What A Joke With Papa And Fortune" on SiriusXM and appearing on NPR's "Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me." His love for baking led to hosting the Food Network series "Baked." As an actor, he's worked with notable figures like Rob Zombie and Steven Soderbergh and has appeared in several films and TV shows, including the HBO film "Behind the Candelabra." Additionally, Papa has contributed as a writer to projects like "Bee Movie" and various TV series. Residing in Los Angeles with his family, Papa continues to balance his professional life with personal interests like baking. Get in touch with or go see Tom live on stage! Radio, Podcasts and more: https://linktr.ee/tompapa/ Website - http://tompapa.com/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/tompapa Twitter - https://www.twitter.com/tompapa Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/comediantompapa #TomPapa #breakingbreadwithTomPapa Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Insurance isn't one-size-fits-all, and shopping for it shouldn't feel like squeezing into something that just doesn't fit. That's why drivers have enjoyed progressives' name-your-price tool for years. With the name-your-price tool, you tell them what you want to pay, and they show you options that fit your budget. Enough hunting for discounts, trying to calculate rates, and tinkering with coverages. Maybe you're picking out your very first policy. Or maybe you're just looking for something that works better for you and your family. Either way, they make it simple to see your options. No guesswork, no surprises.

Ready to see how easy and fun shopping for car insurance can be? Visit progressive.com and give the name your price tool a try. Take the stress out of shopping and find coverage that fits your life on your terms. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Lazzang sur-joled, puissance-moyerned for 15 minutes. We'd say that's their dojo Prere to play a pleasure

with Leo Jo the casino in line that's the most recent machine to money and the new years to buy bays bonanza without exigance of misgis and with

payments instantane Hey! I've got Woohoo! Sontier the pleasure Playo Joe! 18 18 and plus, 1,000 depots only depot only depot

20% free free on national deposit bonanza Depos minimum of 10 dollars Beyeye to play for responsible The conditions apply.

Don't you know. Hey, it's also a show. Good to see you, Stephen. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here. I'm excited to be here. This is amazing. How about that?

I feel like we're enabling you, though. Oh, yeah. I'm already shaken. You guys almost met before the podcast? We almost made out. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, that's how.

Whoa. I don't know how to approach women even though I'm engaged. Probably not at all. I mean, like, in a friendly way. Uh-huh. I saw you at the coffee shop, and we had not met before. And I was like, I could come at her. That's aggressive.

Right. All I thought was like, this is going to go poorly. So I was like, I'll just wait and tell her how I was a coward later. Wait, why you couldn't just go walk up and say? I assume no one wants to be approached by me. Is that true? No, I don't mean it in a. Did you notice him while you were there?

there? I did. Of course I did. I was like, look at this sweet, sweet angel face. He's wearing like a great shirt. I love this shirt. Yeah. That's like a great shirt. It could be from the 50s. I packed it for this pod. It's good for our set. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah. I thought this would go well. Damn, you should have told me. I would have wore my outfit. Yeah. You have one like this? Tom has one like that. Pretty close. Like five of them, right Joe? Probably a whole. That's your stout. Yeah, we've got a lot. I actually wore black because I was on the Peloton right before.

And I, you know, know how long you're going to sweat after the workout? You know what I mean? Like you shower off and you're like, all right, I'm good to go, but you can be sweating for the next half hour. I don't know if I have that issue. You don't sweat? I sweat, but not after I, that was pretty great. After the shower, I'm done, I think. Really?

If you go right into the. the shower? Yeah. Interesting. Okay. But I sweat. How long have you been a lizard? Maybe when you go through puberty, your body will change and you'll start sweating.

Yeah. I can have the seat really high because there's nothing there. I get out of the shower and I'm all, I've already, I'm already smelly. You're ready? I've soaked up the pits. Really? And I get out and I'm like, oh, God. I'm sweating already.

This is just me. I think this is just me. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. You burn hotter. I do. I do too.

So I threw the black on, or I would have, I could have jazzed it up a little for you. He's big onto the Pelotons as well. Big Peloton. So I got this, I sent you a picture last night. And by coincidence, Joe sent me a story at the same time. I was trying to book a hotel in Florida. Hilton is now advertising that they've got Pelotons in their hotels. Like we were just in Michigan together.

and we were doing a gig for Gildes Club. Oh, yeah. And they had a Peloton in that, which I didn't even think to ask, but it turns out Hilton is part of their campaign. So I sent him a picture last night as I'm looking for hotels in Florida. Hilton has a room with a Peloton bike in the room. That is entirely new to me. That is brand new.

Wow. And I hope that sweeps the nation. I know. I would love to not have to think about how. how I look while I work out. And find it and walk down and is there going to be someone else on it? Yeah. All the rest of it.

To have the bike in your room. Yeah. Oh, that's so great. It was booked, by the way. I couldn't get into the hotel. Oh, really? Yeah. They went to a stupid Marriott and they don't even know what Peloton is.

My Marriott has a Peloton and I went to go do it before coming here. Really? And it's all the Marriott Pelot Pelletons are not logged in. they are like they don't have the subscription. Oh, they're just a bike with no, they're just a bike with no connection to the internet? No connection at all. So it's like either I,

so the way it's set up, it's like, well, you can put your profile on this and we get some of your subscription. And like the other people could, I think the other people could just use my, I don't know, like leaving an ATM before signing on.

Yeah, exactly. I think they have it. They're like, who wants to sign in first? Yeah. And I'm like, okay, I just,

I'm not going to do it. I've been going with Marriott Bonvoy because they have a handy app and they have a lot of hotels. Yeah. But this Hilton thing might be a game changer. I mean, I'm with you. Those gyms are a little weird, especially for a lady by myself. I did a gym in a hotel recently and they had a rowing machine. And it was full of water.

Oh, yeah. Because it was a boat? No. I think it's for the resistance, right? But it was very weird. There was like a dude doing the, you know, what's this one? Airboxing.

It was master. You know, like you're climbing, but you're also punching the sky? Two different truck horns at once. Yes. And there's another lady there. And then I was just like, swash,

swash. And then I said, maybe I'm not going to do this. It was so loud. Right. It was like from the 40s. It's hilarious. The worst is when it's a fitness center

that you can see from the lobby. Oh. You can see through the windows. I'd rather have a heart attack. Well, you, you peaked in on me once when I was doing one of the Yeah. That was the weekend I met Joey. I worked out and I'm working out and all of a sudden I feel eyes and you're standing there. I went to go get coffee. Yeah. And I'm like, where is this fitness center? And it was literally, you just had from the lobby, you just had to lean and look around the corner and you could see someone working out in the windows. Slash. Yeah, basically. Slash. I swear. I swear.

A lot during the workout. Sure, you do. And then it stops as soon as I'm done with my reps. Sweat. Sweating is when you go to the water cooler and throw it on yourself, right? So people think that you... How do you like the espresso here? It's great.

Trotteria. You know it's a trotteria, not a trotoria? I didn't really care about either way to say it's... Trotoria. Why do you have to disrespect Italians? It's so weird. You know what you did. I'm being so nice.

No, is it a trotteria? That's... Trotteria. If I have any more of these, I'm going to have Trotteria. Oh, hey-oh. I almost had Trotteria when I was running yesterday. Oh, my God. Really?

I was almost home. It was about a half mile to go. And it kicked in. And I was in big trouble. What did you have? All right. I forgot to mention this, Joe. I told Joe.

When I woke up, I had to drive my daughters to the... airport because they were done with spring break so it was like at seven in the morning and i was brushing my teeth and i had a thing of metamusel gummies and i was like this is oh there's only two left in here so i just ate those and then on my way back we stopped at a diner my wife and i and had breakfast and then i went for a run okay i mean that's the perfect storm this is horrible this is horrible i don't i never have stomach issues at all. But I also don't eat metamusal that often. So two and a half miles in, all of a sudden, it was all systems go.

Right. Where I had to like stop and walk. Oh, wow. I had to pretend I was stretching where all I was, where all other people were around just to let them think I was stretching. But I was really just shutting all entrances. You're like, hey, guys, this is what a penguin would lock. walk like.

100%. And you know, the closer you get, the more intense it gets, because your body's like, we're close. Isn't that insane? It's so insane. Your body sees the doorknob and it starts.

And it's like, oh, finally we did it. And I made it, but it was so close that I wasn't sure if I had made it. Oh, no. Does that make sense? Yes. Unfortunately, it is. Coffee cake?

I would love coffee. Oh, yeah, I made you some. Irish coffee. Oh my goodness. May I grab it? Yeah, and then we have a little plate for you. Metamusal in there. I take a bite and you guys start a clock. I'm not in my 60s, but it's a good source of fiber. If your diet's not great. Is it a good source of fiber or a frightening source of fiber? It's kind of fun. Have you ever taken it? You should do it. No. Yeah, it's fun. I do not. You know, sometimes,

when you travel. I don't know if you had this, but sometimes I travel in my body's like the opposite of seeing the doorknob. It's like, I don't know even where our house is, so we're just, we're not going to do anything for a while. You take a couple of metamusals, let that bad boy kick in. It's like you're back home. Isn't, uh, messing your pants like part of becoming a runner, though? Not a, not a two and a half miles. No. How did you get initiated? miles. All right, you want to be part of this club? Listen here, boy.

I thought that was a big thing they do. I think they do it by mistake and it's when they're running marathons. Marathons, right. Yeah. Yeah, I guess if it's happening to you at two miles. That's why those shorts are so loose. Right. That's what I was so upset about because there was a couple walking their dog right behind me

when I was getting close to home. And I was like, I literally had to like stand there for a good 30 seconds, like, making short. I like, because if it happens, they're going to see everything. They hand you a bag. That's, yeah, that's a missed opportunity. They have. It was really.

And it was such a good run, too. I was on a quick pace. Damn it. Well, everyone runs quick when they're going to. Yeah, too quick. No Madame Musil before a run. I've never in my life would never, I would never take a middle piece. You would enjoy it.

Why do you keep saying that? Because it kind of kicks in and it's, it's kind of gets, You are not selling it, though, right now. You like to have a healthy digestive system. I do. And, you know, every once in a while, you know, you ever have a plumber come to the house and just clean out the pipes? That's what it's like. But does the plumber come and clean out the pipes, like with a sawed-off shotgun?

Just what I'm saying? Like, it's violent. We don't need, just, you can't use it like a nice little snake? It's like, bah, pa, pa! Well, if I hadn't stopped at the diner, I probably would have been okay. Yeah, you would have been okay. Oh man, I went to this annoying diner near here. I don't know if you've been to these places.

There's a lot of places that because after the pandemic, they never went back to their regular ways. You know what I mean? Yeah. Someone, I think we've talked about this. Someone said it was going to take 10 years for us to get back to normal. Yeah. Really?

We're at four. Yeah. For sure. Shit's still not right. That's fair. There's still stickers on the floor at CVS. Oh, yeah. There's still people handing you plastic bags for room services.

in hotels. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. That's, yeah. It's still not there. 10 might be long, but it's definitely not four. I was on set recently. There are no craft service.

Really? Just packaged foods. And there's no, like, you know, buffet. Remember the buffet style stuff? No, still packaged lunch. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

Some of it is like scamming. Some of it's like, well, this cup money, so we're just going to keep doing it. Yes, exactly. So anyway, this diner. This diner just makes me so mad. You sit down and we used to go and it was a nice experience. Now you sit down and first a human being comes over and tells, gives you the menu and tells you how you're going to have to order.

You're going to have to use this QR code. You're going to use your QR code there or you can go to the website and you can go on the website and if you've signed up for the app, you can also access the menu through that. and then you'll place your order through there, and you can pay through that with your Apple Pay. And this goes on for five minutes. She's describing how we're going to do it when I could have just told you, I want eggs. Perfect system for diner eaters. Yeah. So then she leaves.

The most tech signet. Yeah, yeah. She takes off. And now we've come to spend time with each other. Right. And now we both have our phones out immediately. You're both looking at your phones. So you've broken that thing.

And then my wife wanted some omelet with no cheese on it. And there's no thing, you know, when you order out sometimes and you're like, and they don't have a thing for no cheese. Right. So now she's talking to another guy who, I guess he's not a waiter. He's just a guy that hangs out there with an apron. And he's like, yeah, you can't do it that way. And he's like, I can try and tell them no cheese.

And it's like, I can try. Yeah. And like the woman who's explaining it is standing there. He's talking to us here. We can see the cook over there. There are three human beings breathing and talking. Like couldn't you, we went through a 10-minute play together. You know what she should have done?

She should have downloaded the app that's the no-chease app. And said, go F yourself. Do you have the app that's the no-chease? It's a filter. You take a picture of the food and it removes the cheese. That's what you need. I know. It's absolutely ridiculous.

And then, so now she's spiraling and she's handling the ordering. So I'm sitting there just bored and she's trying to. So I'm just starting to start looking at my phone. I start checking out where my daughters are. I start looking at articles. It's a failed experiment. This is delicious. Is that an old guy talking?

I don't know when to say this is delicious. You can say it now. How good is that? That's really great. Right? Yeah. Where's his camera? We didn't set one up for him.

I feel like he should hold. Right there. I think you should hold. hold it up. Look at that. What do I? It's got. Perfect. Do you taste the baillies on it?

Is there baillies? Mm-hmm. Can't wait, dude. It's Irish. It has to have some alcohol. Can we tell you guys, I love you. Heyo. Here in our trattoria.

Trotoria? Trotoria. Someone attacked me online and said, it's, how dare you? You say you're Italian and you're calling it a, a tritoria. It's a trotaria. Trateria. Okay. So I asked Mattel Lane how you say it, and he sent me back a voice message saying, Trateria.

I mean, I get it. People get emotional about pronouncing certain things. Yeah. Italians? But also relax. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean. You know what drives me crazy?

In Russian, the word for grandmother and the little headscarf. Yeah. No, in Russian. is I pronounce it Babushka, because that's the correct way to pronounce it. But you people will say Babushka, and it drives me crazy. See? But you know what? Stataria.

But I also know, take it easy. Right. Take a deep breath. But you're actually holding it in. But inside, yeah. No, inside I want to scratch your eyes out. Right. Yeah.

But I don't because, you know, I'm civilized. Right. But it's Babushka. Babushka. That's how you say, grandmother. How did, how did, what's her name, Kate? Who's the, Kate's great singer. Oh, Kelly, that's Kelly Clark.

No. Katie Perry. No. Kate. Had a resurgence with Stranger Things. Oh. Kate Bush. Oh.

Well, I never would have got there. Really? No. I know what song you're talking about now. Yes. Babushka. Babushka, babushka, babushka, yeah, yeah. Please, please.

I think that's how she says it in the song. I literally tratt to ruin in my pants. Babushka. Babushka. Babushka, babushka. That's better. She doesn't sing it that way. No, she's wrong.

So you have to have a lot of ba. Babushka. What's the wrong way? Strasvuti. Babushka. Oh, they're doing B.O. It's just disgusting. Desvidana.

Desvidana. Desvidania. Yes, yep. There you go. Strasvuti. That's very close. Thieter. Oh.

Fteater? Fteater? In the theater? Yeah, the theater. Yes, look at you. Right? Are you just getting like all the words you might mean? I took Russian as a, when I was a freshman.

In what? Kindergarten? So, Stephen, what's new with you? That was. College, high school. College. College. I liked it.

It's a great language. It is a great language. I mean it's aggressive, but it's... Yeah. Now it's not a time to speak it. Don't speak it now. I would just stay clear. Say babushka, and then they don't think you're really...

Yeah, they'll leave you alone. People are like, oh, I heard you're Russian. No. Where'd you hear that from? No, I'm Soviet. It's different. When we gave your fiancé, Caitlin, some bread, yes.

Did she bring it home to you? She did not. Yeah, she said she wasn't going to share. No. Said she'll share her life with you, but not her bread. That sounds about right. Yeah. I'll tell you this, anything I order, it turns out I'm sharing it.

Yeah. Well, I've seen her stand-up. I think it's because you can't finish it. Oh. I can finish it. Her jokes. I know, but I feel like you're really taking joy in that, like you're taking her side. I am.

Who do you think eats more four-ounce or? We've eaten together. Yeah. I just told them. this story about being in the barbecue place. Oh, yeah. That was the one that we weren't there for it, but they'd do the national anthem. Yeah.

Yeah. And do you remember what he ate? Oh, yeah. You got mac and cheese and you didn't even scrape past the middle part of it. And it was about the size of your espresso cup. Yeah, yeah. And he finished a quarter of it. Yeah, he literally had like two elbows.

You almost didn't get it to go, right? It was very filling. And then he got it to go. He got a lid for it. Yeah, yeah. They couldn't believe it. First of all, they couldn't believe that you just ordered mac and cheese. And then they couldn't believe that you got it to go.

And then something else happened with you. A different meal. I don't remember. On that trip? Yeah. We went to CVS and... Oh, well, yeah, well, I was... I was...

That was post me barely eating a mac and cheese. Yeah. I'm really getting snacks because I was like, I'm not hungry. Yeah, and then later you're like, I'm hungry. Trying to tell you that you're going to be hungry later. Well, what we noticed when Keir is on the road with me, we always, if you look out your window after you go home and you're back into the hotel and you're ready for sleep, if you look out your window, you'll see Joey scurrying across the parking lot. Across a massive intersection. It's always fast food, right?

Wendy's. Yeah, yeah. What do you get at Wendy's? Diarrhea. Trotteria. Trotteria. Sorry. I never say it correctly.

It's usually McDoubles from McDonald's. McDoubles? McDoubles. That sounds hot. It comes out of you and McDoubles speed. Oh my gosh. McDowbles. Now, do you mind it when Ms. Palufo makes fun of you on stage?

No, I don't mind it unless it's like, like it sounds like she doesn't like me. And I'm like, hey, do you not like me? But you know she likes you. I'm starting to get the idea. Do you not know how to approach your fiancé? No, I don't, really. Yeah, I'm fine with it. She's funny.

Why do you expect her to like you? Expect? Yeah. Like, how much do you think that your spouse should like you? I feel like I'm going to give the wrong answer. You are. No, I'm serious. He's been married a long time.

I've been married a pretty long time. Yeah. You're going to get the wrong answer. I don't know. I don't. Never. I don't want any trouble. So that's,

you don't need trouble. That's all. Right. Yeah. And I know there will be, but I don't want to be, I don't want to cause it by accident. Mm-hmm. Or purpose. Like if my wife was on stage mocking me.

Yeah. I would think, yeah, it's about right. Right. Right. Right. Like, like there's, there should be a good, healthy amount of, oh, this guy. Well, do you think this should be a little healthy amount of the, the man, a little bit afraid of the woman in the relationship.

He should be a little bit afraid of her. A little bit afraid. Not in a bad way. Like in a healthy, fearful way. Fearful that he might get in trouble or? I don't know. Like the other day I said to my husband, I don't like the energy in here. All right?

I don't like the energy. I'm feeling your energy and I don't like it. And then I went to bed. And then the next morning, the kitchen was immaculate. Right. I don't know why that's the way he interpreted it. But I really enjoyed a very, very, very clean kitchen. And you weren't kidding about the vibe when you were?

You know, unfortunately, I'm a gypsy. And so I feel vibes from people. I just, you know, some people can smell. I don't know, like my spidey sense is energy. I feel people's energy. Right. Immediately. I don't want to have that.

Superpower. Right. But I do. Right. So when I sense it, I say it. And he was like, oh, I don't know. He vacuumed. Man.

I don't know. I scared him into mopping. Yeah. So clean. It was amazing. You should have a little amount of it for sure. Right? Yeah.

I have it. So, yeah, it's there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I try to. I do that thing where I'll, I'll stand in the doorway where she,

would be coming in and I'll be like what problems can I see when I first walk in so I can solve them so she doesn't see them so she doesn't get angry when she first walks in. Oh, that's smart. Yeah. So you kind of scan the room. Boop, boop, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo. I want

like, especially because, you know, well, first of all, she's also a comic, so I know what frustration she might, some of them that she might have dealt with that night or travel stinks, so I know what she might have gone through. So I'm like, let's see if I can eliminate her being triggered as soon as she walks under the door because she might have had a night or a horrible flight or something.

So I try to eliminate that when she comes in. Now, could that just be being a nice person or is it driven by fear? I think it's both. Right. Honesty. Yeah. I won't deny the fear thing for sure. And I have a hard time saying that I'm nice.

So I'm more inclined to say it's fear. Right. I also don't ever want to be sitting when she comes in because the couch is in view when she first walks in. Yeah. And I do not want to look completely relaxed. Yeah. You know what I mean? Does that make sense?

Right. Yeah. I remember, I remember, especially when you're starting out, like I had a friend and they've since gotten married. But she came home. once after working like crazy all day and walked in and he was playing a video game. Yeah. When she got back from her kick-ass day. Yeah.

And they almost broke up. Oh, wow. Because it was like, really? Like, what do you, this is how, how long have you been here? What are you doing? Isn't there something else you could be doing? Yeah. To further our existence together.

Yeah. To come in and just see. Yeah. I feel that. I feel that. Yeah. I have it now. Like, we got a PlayStation for Christmas. And I've played it three times. And look, I'm very busy. I'm not lazy. We're getting stuff done. But I don't want her to walk in and see me playing.

Yeah. I have learned the sound of her keys. So I'll say. say my draw on the remote is pretty good. And I will say, I'll be playing video games if I've done all that stuff I mentioned. Right. So I've done the dishes. I've, you know, cleaned. I did the litter box, whatever, all this other stuff.

Yeah. Now I can play a video game. But it is the thing she would see when she first walks in. So I do turn it off when she's, I hear her coming in. Right. Does she ever feel the remote? Does she ever feel the controller? Well, the problem is you have to switch it over.

to H.D.MI, whatever. So if she turns the TV on to watch something, she'll go, oh, you're playing shoot-em-up, bang-bang. That's what she always says. Here's what you do. You get a pile of laundry. Mm-hmm. Okay? Mm-hmm.

And clean or dirty, it doesn't matter. Yeah. And you just have it next to you. And she comes home, turn it off, and then you're like, oh, I was just about to go wash this. That's great. or it's clean. I was about to go fold this. That's great.

Whichever one it is. But you used to, if you have, if you're just standing up, that looks obvious and weird and awkward. You're just like, out of tension. In an empty room. Like you're like one of the kids in the sound of music. You're not a von trap, right? So just have it like under your arm. Right.

And then, oh, how crazy. That's great. But then you've got to mix that up. It can't be every time she comes home. Yeah. It's like, oh, every time you have a load of laundry you're about to fold. I call the shit. of just having it out, though.

You don't even have to really explain. But you're just, or you're folding while you're watching TV or something. Then it looks like you're doing something. Is laundry your department, though? Laundry is, I'm the take the laundry there and probably back guy. Uh-huh. Because it becomes, you know, we're on the road, so it ends up being a huge bag of laundry. Uh-huh.

So I'm the lift things guy. You drop it off. Yeah, I drop it off. and pick it up. Right. But I love. Oh, so you have it done for you. You bag it up.

You bring it to the thing. Gotcha. Yeah. But I will say she's out later than I am. So she sleeps in later and I'll be doing stuff when she wakes up. So when she comes into the rest of the apartment, I am doing stuff. Nice. Which looks pretty good.

Right. Right. When she wakes up. Always have a thing of Windex in one hand. Oh, that's smart. Yeah. Always. Just walk around the house like that.

She walks into a room and you're like, I got it. Or just say to her, I don't like the vibes in here right now. If Caitlin said, I don't, I think that's the smartest way to get something done no matter what it is. It's say, I don't like the vibes and then leave the room. Something will be different when you come back. For sure. If you said it to me, I mean, you might have a new paint on the wall. Nice.

I don't know. It's a scary sentence. I don't like that Get ready for marriage, buddy Yeah, I'm excited But yeah It's uh How's your testicle cat?

Oh, he's great He's got a cat made Completely of testicles What? I have a hairless cat Oh Yeah That's a shame

It's all testicle material I did it for her Well, thanks for coming in Why? He's great He's the best No, no I disagree

There's nothing wrong with testicles I double disagree Well I'll I'll die on this table right here saying how great it is. I think I have a picture. You do have a picture. Why is that your choice? It wasn't. Oh.

He did it for the love of his life. Well, that just tells me he's lying. What do you mean? No, I love them. Sure. Me too. I'm telling you. Message received, buddy.

I'm converted. I'm converted. They're the best. Why? Because they're great. They are the... Does that say the best to you? Which one did you show?

That face. Look at him. He's so great. What's his name? His name's Benny. Benny. He looks angry. He's just chilling, man.

He looks high. He's chilly. He doesn't have hair. He's freezing. Is he cold? Yeah, so he cuddles a lot. It's great. It's pretty sweet.

He's awesome. And why? Why? Because she's allergic? She's allergic, and I've been told since that they're not hypologenic. But it doesn't affect her allergic. We at first got a Devin Rex, which is hypologetic apparently, but has fur. It's some weird hack.

Because I was like, I don't want a hairless cat. I'm not into that. I don't want to do that. So we got the Devin Rex, which I fell in love with. Her name's Bowie. But then pandemic ended, and we started traveling, and I'm like a sucker for animals. I was against the animals, similar to what you've said. But I like I start worrying about my an I like I get I just become in love with these things

So I didn't want to go through it and she's like I want a cat so we got this cat and then when we started going the road again She's like she needs a friend and I'm like I agree And she's like this one this one should be hairless and I was like I don't want that but I'm willing to try it And then we got them and if you zoom in it's a it looks like Frank Yeah It does. Oh, so many stories in those eyes. He's amazing.

He does know how to open cabinets right now, which is frustrating. How about make you a sandwich? Yeah, you wouldn't like this. He goes into their, when they're away for any period of time, he goes up on the top of the cabinet. He's learned how to climb up at the very top and then reach down and open the doors of all the cabinets. When I left this morning, I taped all the cabinets closed. And then he throws all the stuff on the floor. Yeah.

Just for fun. Sounds like a drunk roommate. He's like, yeah, it's like having like a ninja on crack because they'll jump on the counter and like just tear things up. And Kewan will know if I'm gone, but my job, I've assigned myself this job, is to not, her to not see the damage they have caused. Bad energy. It's bad energy. because that day that I told you about, he got into this cabinet and he threw everything on the floor

and it just broke and it was just like, it looked like when you throw marbles to make the bad guy slip. It was all this dry food on the floor. And I'm vacuum, like Kailen could sleep through anything. So I'm vacuuming, I'm cleaning all this stuff up. And it's spotless by the time she gets up. And she looks at me and I'm just like, I'm like the angriest I've been in a while. And I had to vent to her.

and like venting when they don't see the problem around you, you look like a crazy person. All these marbles. Yeah, yeah. You know, can I ask your opinion? Is this like a weird thing? I have one friend that has a dog and we go there often. It's a neighbor.

My kid plays at their house. And this dog's nose is always in my crotch, always. crotch or ass. And we have tons of dogs on our street and the neighbors come out and they're always walking. And no other dog is, I thought it was me. I was like, do I have a yeast infection? Like, what's happening? Like, I got, that's where my mind went.

Right? Like, I was like, is it disgusting? Like, why is this one dog? But none of the other neighbors are up in my crotch or ass. Is he? None of the other neighbor's dogs. Let me reiterate. Is he a retired police dog or something?

That's a great question. I don't think so. I don't think so. What breed is it? I don't know. It's like also, I don't know, maybe a mutt. But it's not like, I always assume that they're always. The German Shepherd.

The German Shepherd, yeah. Some of them are muddy. Well, what's your question? My question is, because I love animals too, but I don't love that. Yeah. And it's like I, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know why I want to, I'm constantly like pushing this dog's face. Yeah.

Like, how do I, I want to be friends with this animal. I desperately want, I want, yes. It wants to go to third base with me. But I, I don't, I'm in a conundrum. Yeah. Because, like, I'd want to pet your cat, but I wouldn't also. Yeah. Yeah.

It's pretty, he's pretty, wait, how are you connecting those two? That I want to like the animals and I want the animals to like me. But I also don't want, like, a weird situation with animals. And then I look like a douche if I don't want. that weird situation. Yeah. People get definitely judgmental with, especially with their pet and someone's reaction to their Yeah, they act like they don't.

But if the dog doesn't like you, they don't like you. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And I don't know what this dog is. Well, this one seems to really like you. So maybe the owners will really like you. But maybe, but no, it's so aggressive.

Like she almost lifts me up. Wow. Like if she gets her nose in my. That used to happen to me when I was a kid. But she, like, lifts me off the ground. Our friends had a Siberian husky. Yeah. And they've got a long, hard nose.

Yeah, their snout is like a thing. Yeah. And I would come in in puberty and boom, it was just knocking my crotch all over the But I'm thinking is it's something, like, am I gross or good? Yeah. But the other dogs, I'm literally walking around to the other dogs with my crotch out. Like anything? Anything?

Maybe you should wear, like, extra pants when you're going to see. this dog and see if it happens. I didn't even shower three times. But none of the other I even like offer my crotch to the other neighborhood. Well you know how you have chemistry with people like when you met your husband? It was like there was something that didn't exist with you with other people. Faramones are a thing. Maybe that's what it is. Yeah. Maybe this dog and I dated like in a yeah. The dog's like I know this smell from somewhere. Yeah. Austin Powers is probably the most famous hairless cat right? Yes. Yeah for now. For now. For now. Oh, you're trying to get your cat in showbiz?

No, no. I like him too much to put him through that. Yeah, Austin Powers, yeah, the Dr. Evil thing. Right. But I think they're great. I have totally flipped. They're awesome. Yeah.

They're the most social cat breed there is. They're the most playful, very affectionate. It's, I hate the whole, like, my cat's like a dog, but that is the closest I'll get to the dog. Just don't say my cat's like a child. Oh, I won't have. ever do that. How funny would it be if you went by their apartment and their cat was up in your business? And then I would know for sure.

I have a problem. I have a problem. And you're like, wow, this cat really is like a dog. Yeah. It's like, you might have a urinary trapped infection. You should see how I shove my crotch into other dogs's face. Man. To see if anything, nothing.

No other dogs. There's posters in your neighborhood. Stop this woman from arrest. I brought you some bread. Oh, my God. Because I had the feeling Caitlin didn't share. No, she didn't.

So that just came out of the oven today. Oh, my God. Oh, I love the face. So you can bring it to your hotel and have at it. I can't wait. While on your Peloton. I, oh my God. I'm so excited.

Thank you. You're welcome. Hey, do you eat your own bread? Yeah. It's disgusting. How dare you? I thought that was a euphemism. I apologize.

Can you eat your own bread? Yeah, of course. Okay. I was always curious. There is nothing. There is nothing. There's not like a drug dealer where you never use your own product. You never use your own product, you idiot.

The, yeah, the best breakfast in the world is just one slice of that bread of butter. I'm so excited. Now listen, this is something we have to talk about, just as a, podcast. We're not going to do it today because we don't have the right accruedments. But as our guest, if we were to open that bread and say, would you like some of it now, we have a new toaster oven. Are you kidding me? Yeah. And we could put the bread in there.

So you're telling me what you won't do for me right now? We're not set up for that. We have a nice. Look. We're not set up for it. But would that be something that would interest you or would you want to bring the bread home intact? No, it would interest me. It would. It would interest me.

And I'm so glad we're not doing it. What about just the tip? I'll do just the tip. It's a lot like that dog. Now, we don't have anything to cut it with. We have a knife. We need a cutting board. We need the proper cut.

We need the proper knife. No, that's not. I'm not going to let that happen to my bread. I'm not going to sit here and mall my bread. I mean you pretend to eat it like this. We're not going to. I'm all it. It's a, because it's fun.

It is fun. It is fun. It's a little like Godzilla. All the Italian stuff you have. It fits. I'm going through a big Godzilla period right now. Are you really? Yeah.

And it's just the beginning and it's going to be going on for a long time. I'm a big Godzilla guy. You are? Yeah. I just last night watched the 1954 original. Really great. Holy cow. I wanted, when I was a kid, I would watch those movies with my,

my dad and I wanted to be the guy I knew he was in a costume whatever the guy that was playing Godzilla was in what I thought your dad was in a costume but like the you could see it's clearly a guy in a costume knocking over a set of city not sure what we're talking about it's not a documentary I didn't know how to tell you but uh I wanted to I want to be that I want to get in a Godzilla costume and knock over a fake city so badly yeah I get that yeah I get that yeah I was hoping that you guys would all bond over this. Well, you guys, you can use that. But the 1954 one, deep, here's a little history, made in 1954 in Japan, less than 10 years from when the U.S. lit off those big old bombs. So it's pretty fresh. The U.S., I always thought that was the end of it. But they also tested a nuclear weapon bikini toll after.

And that radiation rained down on boats around Japan. How. Awful. Yeah. So horrible. Haven't we done it? Hasn't you pick another spot? Yeah, really?

How about pick another spot? I had no idea of this story. So in the Godzilla movie, the reason Godzilla is so angry is a nuclear. is a nuclear test went off in the sea and killed off Godzilla's family. Whoa, I don't remember that. Yeah. And the movie is, I mean, it's very metaphorical, of course, with the bomb and everything. And then this other guy has to create this thing to kill Godzilla.

And he doesn't want to use it because, man, once you create something, it's going to, like the nuclear weapon, is going to use it. And there was some really deep, heavy scenes. in this original Godzilla movie. Yeah. Of them, you know, in the hospitals. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was, I mean, could you imagine?

It wasn't even a decade. Yeah. I remember the hospital scenes scaring me as a kid. Yeah. They were, they were well done and upsetting and just watching these people. And then it blew up, sorry, it's a horrible term. It did very well in the movie biz. and so the U.S. wanted it, and they recut the film to take out some of the parts that would maybe not be that favorable to us.

Wow. So anyway, it started with this very kind of heavy, you know, exploratory film with a monster. And I mean, even in 1954, like the burning buildings and stuff was, I mean, some of it's, you know, like an airplane with a string. Yeah. But still enough, like, around it to be great. They were so fun as a kid. And then it went into Funville. The fun is great.

I think there's 72 of them. There's a lot of them. I used to know all the bad guy monsters and stuff. Mothra. Mothra, Mecca Godzilla, Gadan with the knife hands. What was the turtle one that used to spin around? Anguress. Ingueris.

What was the one that was like a Godzilla but didn't have the tail but kind of looked like a Godzilla. Oh, the baby Godzilla? Oh, baby Godzilla? When they had the baby. Huge eyes. Huge eyes, but no tail. I hated that guy. Baby Godzilla was a mistake. Baby Godzilla made me so mad. He was an unplanned baby.

I was like, who else audition for this part? Because this guy is a loser. I remember in the Baby Godzilla one, or at least one of them, there's this great scene. It's so funny where Godzilla's teaming up with another monster against the bad guy monsters and they they hold the bad guy monster from but it's like wrestling from behind and godzilla runs and then jumps and kicks and when he runs and jumps and kicks it's clearly them with strings holding him float it's so funny i remember as a kid just being like this is ridiculous it was so great

now this new one that won the oscar you didn't see this oh i haven't seen that one yet Well, you can't see it now because it's not in theaters and it's not streaming yet because the same company that made it also has a King Kong versus Godzilla coming out and they don't want to kill the juice for it. Yeah. That one looks silly. But they said that that one, they made for like no money and it's a huge hit. Yeah. And because they were going back to the original kind of like B-movie kind of not CGI kind of effects. And it's supposed to be great.

Yeah. And you can't see it yet. It's going to take probably until June. I'm excited. I remember when they did the American one where he's an iguana. Godzilla's an iguana? Yeah. Matthew Broderick one.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember that one bothering me because. I don't remember him being an iguana. He's like, yeah. The Matthew Broderick one. In the beginning, maybe he's not, In the beginning, they show radiation and they show an iguana. Uh-huh.

But maybe it's just like, hey, lizards. Oh, this is where it came from, like, his origin story. Yeah. And he's fast. Yeah. I didn't like that one because he was like a raptor. He could run really fast. And it's like Godzilla was scary because he was coming at you so slow.

Yeah. And I love you. That is the thing about Godzilla, though. He does not give an F. Yeah. He looks like he just a-eating. He has no plan. No plan.

He's not a, he doesn't even eat. the people. He just comes to, he just comes to mess stuff up. He looks like if you're trying to go through your home in the dark, because everything he's knocking over is by accident. Yeah, he's kind of like your testicle cat. Just rampaging through with no plan. Opening cab. Not eating any of this stuff. Scrodom kitty? Scrodom cat. Well, you know what? I was thinking would be a fun thing. And maybe Scrodom cat is the way to go. It would be fun to just make a movie because they don't show Godzilla for a time in the original. And then all of a sudden he's looking over a hill.

He's just like, and that's all you see. And how great would it be to just have all this drama and all this stuff and we're all scared and stuff? And then testicle cat just, and then go back down. I've got your man. I've got the cat.

We can do it. We can set up a shoot. Well, here's something you can do because you didn't get to live it. But if you guys have kids, you think you might have kids. I think, well, she'll let me know. She'll let you know. She likes your vibe. When my second was learning how to walk, my fourth, so my older one was five, all right, she's a year old, okay, and we set up, we had different colored, like, Legos.

Yeah. And we set up a town, and she was learning how to walk. Wow. And you would get points if you're building. So I built everything like brown, let's say, and he built everything a different color. And you would get points if she's walking. didn't knock over your building. That's really great.

So we would try to convince her like, no, no, no, go this way. No, no, go that way. She's learning at a walk and she's just gosh. That's so great. She's knocking stuff over and then we keep score. Oh, that's so fun.

So you can, you know, I'm 100% doing that. Did you film it? Probably, I'm sure. That'd be good content. You got to put the Godzilla theme song. Yeah. And then show, cut to people screaming.

That'd be amazing. It was me because I was losing. I was losing. I was losing. I was like, no. No, no, go that way. Who do you like better, King Kong or Godzilla? Oh, man.

I mean, I had to watch them, so I have, like, bad memories. Because we had, you know, of course, one TV, back and white. Older brother, he was in charge. And he made me watch, like, I had no choice. So for me, it's a lot of trauma. Uh-huh. So who do you like better? I mean, I would say I feel like the story for King Kong is better.

Right. Story-wise. So if they're fighting each other? Scary monster-wise, I don't know. If they're fighting each other? King Kong. You're rooting for King Kong? Yeah.

No, Godzilla. Godzilla. But 100% on the story. Story-wise, it is a better story. But I had to watch all of those. I mean, who was, what was the wolf guy? Wolverine? No, the Karloff guy.

The nerd in me. Horace got so mad. Yeah, but he played the were a man. The werewolf. Right. Yeah. Wolfman. Wolfman.

I had to watch all of those. All of them. Those are pretty good. They're great, but I... Creature from the Black Lagoon? Yes, all of them. All of those crazy... I think it's pronounced Lagoon.

Lagoon. That's right. If you ask someone from that part of the country, yeah. The key with those movies is not to show the monster too early. Keep it going and then... I guess, but as a kid, I was like, where is this monster? Yeah, you want to see the action. I remember.

the new one when the first edition of this new series of Godzilla I remember leaving the theater going, I thought there'd be more Godzilla in the Godzilla movie. Yeah. It always bothered me, but I do understand the building the suspense.

It was, uh, it, well, it all comes down to budget, I guess. I mean, now, it was kind of inspiring to see King Kong and Godzilla working together in this last round. Loves it. When they, uh, went against the robot. Mecha Godzilla. Yeah, the,

robot Godzilla. Well, what's great about Mecca Godzilla is they made it look like God. I love that it's Godzilla on the outside, and then you rip off and you see that it's Mecca underneath. Yeah. It's like Terminator. Yes, yes, exactly. And I like how they sized up King Kong, so he was the size of a skyscraper. Yes, yeah.

Because then they could fight on equal terms, because he should be a lot shorter than Godzilla. Yeah, because he climbs Empire State Building, and he's not that big on it. Yeah. And now he's pretty much leaning against it. Yeah, yeah. Smoking. You guys are providing a lot of inspiration for young boys who love Godzilla and also one day want to get laid. And you're showing them it's possible.

It's possible to have both. So it's really good work. You know, I'm not afraid of monsters, but I am afraid of my spouse. So it's like, you know. And yet that's where I draw the line. Like I don't want my wife to see me playing a video game. but I want her to catch me watching Godzilla. I feel like I think that probably would turn her on.

My husband, I told you about my 3D printer situation in our house. Yes. bought another one. Whoa. I know. We have three now. You have three? Three.

Is one of them printed from the original? Yeah, exactly. He printed a 3. Exactly. But, you know, he is scared of me catching him 3D printing. That's hilarious. What is he making with it? Okay.

So, he's what he made. this weekend. This storage thing, this is so ridiculous, to put all his sandpaper sizes of sand. Yeah. Sending. It's just ridiculous.

I mean, all the different sizes, but he made a holder for them so he could organize them by, I don't know, sandy paperness. Right. Coarsness.

Right. But I'm saying, but like we have like a Dungeon and Dragon situation. Wow. Oh, yeah. Did he print those things? Yes. And he paints them.

and he wants to take a class. Does he have the big magnifying? Yes. Yes. He has to have that. He has them. I'm going to find a picture that he sent me of our daughter wearing them.

That makes me so excited. Yeah. It's insane. But what I'm saying is... Nothing with that is ever not nerdy. That's what I'm saying. It's very nerdy. And yet, you know...

Yeah, because that's how into it you are. He still gets... It's good to be inspired. Are there Godzilla models? Could you make your own and paint it? Yeah, I have, I still have all the monsters. I have all of them from when I'm... When they won the Oscar for the Godzilla,

they all came up carrying little Godzilla's. That's the eight-year-old wearing them. That's what he wears to paint his dungeon and dragons. That's hilarious. That's what my, the same face my cat makes. Yeah, it looks very similar to the testicle cat. She does look like Sprint and the cat. It looks like testicle cat.

Man. All right. So you both are out on tour with me. Yeah. Is this where we arm wrestle for the next date? No, I want to hear some tour, some tour compliments and some tour criticisms. Oh. Of how we handle tour, how we eat on tour, when we meet in the lobby, the things we have to do.

Anything that you guys can agree on that is lame. You want both, right? You ended on lame. Yeah, whatever. I mean, why do you only get a toothbrush? I have teeth. Oh, backstage. Backstage.

Part of the rider. Toothbrush in your rider and it just feels like, well, I guess your teeth are more important than everyone else's teeth. It's so interesting. Right? Can we agree on that? That there should be two toothbrush eyes. I don't disagree. that if there was an extra toothbrush, I would 100% take it.

Right? I would 100% take what you don't use. But I always see and I go, man, I need all that stuff. I would keep it. Oh, you'd keep it. See, it's not CVS. It's not a, we're not shopping. It's if we eat and then have to go on stage.

Right. You want to clean out your choppers. Your green room snacks are great. Great. I have no notes on that. Hmm, interesting. Because you get a crudit, fruit. fruit.

A bag of chips. Yeah, I only touch the fruit preset, which is great because you feel like you're having a treat, but it is healthier. You care to comment? You save money on me. I don't, I mean, I have a criticism, not enough steaks backstage. You'd like meats and cheeses. No criticisms, honestly.

I'm usually stuffed. Yeah. Usually I ate something or, you know, or I know we're going to eat something after. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't like the eating after. If it's too late, then yeah, it's probably not.

We ate after in Michigan. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't like waking up full. I was doing so good that day until we went out after. I ate an entire pizza. I only went out for you. I only went out because I like hanging out.

I'm very nervous about, or I'm concerned. Four ounce likes to eat late. You like to eat late. I like hanging. It's fun to hang. And I don't want to get hammered. So I'd rather get full. Yeah.

Well, because I have to be, I have to have something, I have to be swallowing something so it stops me from talking. So I'm either eating. We have kids that watch the show. I'm either eating. I'd rather stuff my face with food than drink. Gotcha. Because if I drink, I'm going to talk more. Is that why we're there?

We're there to. Chit-chat? I'm embarrassed myself. I had me even better. Context. Well, if I weren't for eating after, I would have never had shrimp. Right. And I would never have had oysters.

He had never eaten either of those things in his life. And he introduced both of them. Oysters on the road. Yeah. It depends where you are. It was great. Where were you? Not landlocked, I hope.

We were in Charleston, South Carolina. Okay. All right. All right. All right. And then the shrimp was at line. Sorry to be graphic, but they put lead in your pencil. That's what my grandfather used to say.

They do? Yeah. Oh. Sorry to be graphite. That's the clip. Is that a boner? Is that a boner? I'm confused.

There are children listening to this show. That's true. I'm sorry. I want to say sorry. I like going out. If we have to go, if we do a Friday, Saturday, I don't like going out the Friday because the Saturday, you're moving on to the next location.

It's travel day and you have to do the show. I feel like that's not the night to... I agree. You should get sleep and get ready for the next day. Yeah. But the last one, who cares if you've got to get up early for the... For the plane, you know, I like going out that night. I like that.

My favorite thing is I like talking comedy with you. It's usually after the show. It's where we get into the nitty-gritty of it. And I think that's probably my favorite part, other than like the shows and stuff. But like when we just get after talking about comedy. How is it different from Brian Regan's tour? I saw this coming. Let me think.

We love Brian. I forgot you still had that on. I've been waiting for the right reveal of this. If you don't want to say it, have him say it. Use the public to say your feelings. It's different because when I'm with you, it's just me and you. Right. And I like that.

It is special because when you're like on Brian's tour, I love everyone on that tour, but not everyone's a comic. So you always get a little self-conscious of the inside baseball stuff. Oh, right. Because you want everyone to be a part of the conversation. Who else is like his banker? Who's coming? Who's coming also? His banker.

He's got seven children. Yeah, no, the tour manager. Oh, I see. Okay. More entouragey people. Yeah. A tour manager. Brian's girlfriend usually comes with us. Gotcha.

And they can talk about comedy. It's not like they don't know what they're talking about. But I feel like... When you're going out in a crew. When you're going on a crew, you don't want anyone to be left out. Do they go out after every show? We go out maybe once a weekend. Right.

Similar. But with you, it feels more like I can ask you, Like even Thursday, I started asking you questions about jokes. And it's like, I know we can just talk about comedy and not worry about other people. Do you feel the same way when four ounces there, Abraham Lincoln's there? We got into comedy. We talked about comedy a bit. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. But, yeah, that was my first. I haven't had enough runs with him yet. Right. And you know he doesn't like to go out to eat except by himself. Runs is the operative word. Yeah, yeah. But it is fun.

I just like talking about, I feel like we're all, all comics are like that, but it's like once you get talking about comedy. You can talk shop for hours. I just love talking about. Sometimes it's like, all right, let's go to bed. Yeah.

There is like, I think when you're around people, you guys aren't that way, and I hope I'm not that way. But like there are people where you can tell that's all they can talk about. Right. And those, those hangs are not fun.

Yeah. But when it's like, hey, do you guys want to get into, do you guys want to go into this lane? That's always fun. I like that. Because you can easily get out of it and that, but I love it. I feel with our vibe, we both know after a show, whether it's one of those, because we're both running families. Yeah. That you're like, oh, this is, this is valuable alone time in my room on a bed in quiet and I could sleep.

I think we're good at sinking. that up of like, no, this is a, this is a sleep night. Right? For sure. Yeah. I value that time. Yeah. It's like the traveling, the show, all of it is just so you can be alone in a hotel for

four hours before bed. I was in Miami a couple weeks ago and I just was so looking forward to sleeping in. And I didn't really pay attention to these weird blinds. I just, after my show, I just collapsed in bed and went to sleep. And the sun came blasting through first thing in the morning. And it was like, it burns. And then behind the thing was the blackout shade. I just didn't see it the way it was set up.

It was like this like Nouveau kind of trying to be funky hotel. And I was, I was Godzilla. I was like, walking through my room. I just wanted to save. Right. And it's all I've had. It's just that sleeping in. I know.

Because then that bust out to come home is going to be super early. Yeah. Interesting. You left earlier than I did. I'm the first flight. Yeah. Me too. And a guy, when I look in up to headline, I bring my buddy and he doesn't get it yet.

I'm like, man, first flight. And he's like, no, what do you talk? And he'll be like there until like the afternoon. What? I never get that. What are you doing? And I'm like, you don't. understand man when and and i haven't been doing it that long and i'm like first i want to be home

just the smell alone yeah of the airport yeah when you get there early it hasn't really humanity hasn't taken hold yeah exactly anytime from 1130 on yes it is a different situation less chance of flights getting canceled yes that's my main reason but i didn't think about that too is you you stop the people that you know stop in the middle of walking to text in the middle of where you're supposed to be walking. Like I like to be away from the people that are traveling for the first time. You could just put a period after people. Be away from people.

Joey, did you get TSA pre? I did the appointment. I think I'm waiting to have it confirmed now. Oh, no. They're going to do a bathroom. You just go to Staples? I went to Staples, yeah. You don't get to do it right there?

I did. They said it'll take like either a couple days to process or sometimes a couple of Oh, okay. You didn't get the email or anything. It's in Staples Center now? Yeah. Oh, no, the regular Staples. Oh, the store? Yeah. The store where you get your copies done.

Mine expires in November. Yeah, you can just go to Staples. At least I'm speaking at New York. I don't know what the situation is here. I have to go to the New York Staple. You have to go specifically the one of my neighborhood in Queens. You don't have to go interview to be renewed, though. No?

I don't know. I've never been renewed. Right. They're usually good for like four or five years, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's my first renewal.

All right. So it's the best tour ever. It's a great tour. It's wonderful. Amazing. The sound check I always feel for you when you explain it perfectly to them. And then they never get it. Yeah.

They're like, what music? Yeah. I admire and appreciate that you do the God mic because I think I've already talked to you about this. We've all had people that do the God mic where it's the. It terrifies them. Right. And it's like... Someone on the crew that's...

Yeah. And now Stephen Rogers. First. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Here's a little bit she's been on TV. Go. Go. Yeah. Are you sure? The music's not on you. And the bowing, getting to go out with you after feels cool.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does he make you bow to him? Because he makes me do that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I have to crawl out. Yeah. Yeah. I do like his hurts. Like, yeah. Yeah. Let's just respect. I used to do that for people I opened for.

That's true. I don't know why I'm complaining. Yeah. I feel like it would be instinctual. My liege. My liege. And I enjoy watching the show from the side. I like doing that.

It's fine. If the sounds good. Sometimes it's annoying. Yeah. That's true. Kira, in all the time we've been together, has never seen my act. It's not true. Was that weird?

Literally. I didn't know I was setting this up. Literally a lie. And she loves helping people with stand-up. Yeah. I will say, please help me. I know his act so well that I'm like,

I didn't hear that lemonade stand joke. Like, I'll hear like a what? I mean, that was a new one. Yeah. I'll be like, you said something out of order tonight.

Right. That is true. Yeah, that is true. That is true. My liege. My leash. Let me say, not only you both very funny, but you're also both good drivers.

And I don't, and apparently, apparently. I do not get that compliment a lot. Apparently, well, better than me, I guess. You're a good driver. You told me last time that you don't want me driving anymore. Okay, we're driving at night. Yeah. On a lonely highway with no lights.

Yeah. And he's squinting. I go, do you want me to drive? You're like, we're fine. We're okay. Mek meow! Mikmew! Cars going by us.

The first time... One time. First time I drove you was in Long Island. We were going to the hotel at JFK. And you were on the phone with either your mom or somebody and you go, Stephen just brought us into a random parking lot. I'm not sure why. And I read the GPS wrong and I'm like, oh, I'm already failing this.

He's on the phone. There's witnesses. But then after that, it was fine. But yeah. We, we should. I saved your life one night. You did. Yeah.

Both of our lives. What happened? Both of our lives. So we pull into, we're in St. Louis. And we needed gas before we had an early out and had to return the rental car in the morning. So we pulled off into this. gas station, right? Pretty close to where the venue was.

It wasn't that far. It wasn't far at all. And we pull in and, you know, I always get the biggest car that we can get. Yeah. Right? In case we have to run into something, we won't get hurt. And so we have this giant black escalade. I'm pumping gas.

Keir goes into the mini mart. I forget what you were getting. I forget. Yeah, you were looking for some like aspirin or something. Something like that. And so she goes into the thing. And I'm standing out there, the black escalade. And just a little.

A leather jacket. Yeah. Leather jacket. Some fancy hat. Some fancy house. Boots. Outside of this escalade. I was like, I wonder how this looks.

Keir comes out and says, get in the car, we're leaving. I go, get in the car now. Without hesitation. No discussion. He just put the. think the hose back. Love it. I just went.

Didn't even say, what's wrong? What are you talking about? Nothing. I love that. She just said it and I took the thing out, put it in the thing, put the gas thing. That closed it up. Got in.

Brum, zoom, zoom out of there. Because. Because I think I saw a drug sale go down. Wow. In the little quickie mark. And there was just a lot of, you know, I read energy. Yeah. I was going to say a few time.

Yeah. There was a. A lot of vibe. A lot of like, we have guns vibes. Some extra guys not shopping, just waiting for the other guy. Just wandering. To hand a paper bag to somebody. Yeah, just like walking up and down the aisles.

And I'm like, I don't know what I was buying. I can't remember. It was something like pharmacy related. Yeah, I don't know. You were looking for, yeah. An IUD. Anyway. Something to stop the dog?

Probably tampon. Yeah. Something to stop the dog. Yes. And I just, I gave the guy the money. and I go, get in the car now. I just, that's how I knew. That's exciting now.

Well, we, yeah, and we're staying in a hotel like at the airport. And all of a sudden, when that happens, it's like the whole world becomes exposed. And you're like, oh, wait a minute. Okay. Where are we sleeping? Who's this guy in the lobby? Who is that guy behind the desk? Who is this guy at the elevator?

It was like, all of a sudden, we were on high alert until we got up the next. morning and then we went back to the thing but that was a that was a very in sync moment i believe because there was no discussion it was just we're going boom we're gone that's a that's a strong relationship yes yes yes yes yeah that's right yeah because there's very few times as a man when you're in those situations out in the wild i don't normally take stock of how kind of of absurd it is to be traveling this way. And I know from my female friends that, no, we're on high alert from 16 on in every situation. And as a guy, you have the privilege of not being on a high alert all of the time. Until you don't. Until you don't. But then when you do kind of open your eyes,

I mean, part of it is you just got to go. So just go. You don't be dumb. But since that time, I've been pretty conscious of do I want to land in a strange city and go to a parking garage to get the rental car at midnight? I got... It's probably not wise. You know? I got jumped in the city a few years back. Oh, no.

Yeah. And ever since then, the world's different. Yeah. What happened? I was standing there waiting for the train. Oh, you were asking for it. True. Truly.

Why? It was late? Did a spot at New York Comedy Club. I think it was only 10 o'clock, which doesn't feel late to us. No. And a guy, it is graphic, walked by, spit in my face. Oh, God. And this is mask time.

This is when we're coming out of, we are allowed to perform, but still wearing masks. Yeah. So thankfully, that helped. And then he, I had been spit on before. and the last time I got spit on, I pretended it didn't affect me and the guy just left me alone. So I was like, I'm just going to pretend this didn't,

that this is a daily occurrence. Is this how far apart of these two incidents? A month, a couple of months. Oh, so it was a thing. And then he comes back and clocks me in the head. A lot of other people around? Yeah, they didn't, no one, nothing. Did it go viral at least?

Did you get more Instagram? No. So it hits you once? He hits me once in the head. That's awful. And then I was like, okay, he doesn't like me. And so then I, my only think in pride, I was like, I'm not going to run out of here. I'm going to, I'm not going to give this guy what he wants.

I'm going to walk out of here. And I went to walk out. There was, it was one of those stations with only one exit. And he gets in front of me and he goes to, I know he's going to try to block me. So I pretend to go towards a turnstile. So he does the block move. and when he goes to do it, I'm already back where I started. And at this point, people are running out, screaming, trying to get out.

Because of him? Because of him. And he starts spitting at all of them to clear the path to get to me. What? And at that point, I went around the group of the crowd of people and left and walked out. Jeez. And I have seen that, and this is not a joke, I've seen that guy twice since then. You're kidding.

Just a crazy person? Yeah. Just like a homeless kind of wandering like... Yeah, I'm not exactly sure. But that's the... Yeah. He doesn't recognize me, which upsets me. But...

Jeez. Yeah. Man, oh man. That's scary. Before that, clueless to any danger of around it. Right. And now I start to pay...

I have a little bit of a radar for it. I think coming from New York, like I was always on high alert in New York. I was always nervous. Right. You're kind of always looking. But then when I would leave New York, because it wasn't New York, I'd be like, what's going to happen in St. Louis? Right. Which is so dumb.

Yeah. Well, less people around, too. So, like, if something does happen to you in St. Louis, you're just. You're going to find your body for days. Yeah. Yeah. A gas station and off the highway? Nothing.

No. Yeah. You still taking Krav Maga? Yes. Whoa. Could you beat up Stephen right now? Yes. I could take it before I was taking Kravmaga.

Oh yeah? How about now? Oh, no. That's what you should bring on the subway. Let me tell you something. I take it with my 13-year-old son. Whoa. And it's very interesting because we partner up a lot.

Sure. Unless there's another, there are a couple other teenagers that take it. If they're not there, we partner up. And this is our family therapy. He's letting it out or you're letting it out? I mean, I'm not. I'm going easy on him. And he's like, you're going too easy on me.

Wow, he knows. I will get arrested if I accidentally clock my kid and be like, oh, his pad is, you know, the pad slip. So I, and I am taking it easy on him. You're my kid. I can't, you know. Yeah. But he lets it rip. And his face change.

And also, and I had to go to a doctor after partnering up with him once. Because we had these grips that we had to like, you can take someone by the back of their head and you can like maneuver them. Almost like you would like on the small of your back as a dance player. You know, like you can move them around. Wow. And so we were practicing each other and he jacked my neck up. So I was like, I'm going to a doctor because of what I created. I signed us up for this.

But you want them to be able to do it. I want him to, it's so frightening when I hear stories about you and just all the garbage that's out there with people, I feel like kids are fighting more and more. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I don't want him to ever have to use it, you know, but. Yeah. And my eight-year-old is in it with other little kids too.

Right, right. Which is hilarious. Yeah. She's like, I threw an elbow today. I go, yeah, get them. You got an elbow in there. That's good. You know, but it's...

Not a bad thing to... It's not. And I, that is a rule. They were in another martial arts class and they both kind of like, oh, we don't want to do it anymore. They did it for a year. We don't want to anymore. I go, guess what? You don't want to stay in this one?

Fine. I'm not going to force you. But you have to take a martial arts class. Right. I don't care what... You pick. Yeah. There are so many different styles.

What about Kung Fu? We were, we were, what's the one that Bruce Lee did? Kung Fu. Okay, we were in a Bruce Lee style class. They taught everything, but that was like what the founders, they were like, this is Bruce Lee's style. I don't care. You do whatever you.

I don't care if you speed up Tai Chi. Right. I don't care. You're in, that is a rule. You know, there's some parents that's like, you will learn an instrument, you know, or you're going to be athletic. You need some sort of sport. It's good.

I think sports are important to. There is, there's, I'm not budging. Yeah. Right. You will be in some sort of. martial arts class. Oh, good for you. So I think that's great.

We're taking it as a family, though, whereas before it was just the kids. Yeah. Joe's a Kung Fu master. Joe? Let me see some moves. Taekwondo. Oh, I thought it was Kung Fu. But you wander around from, you wander around from small town to small town as a

Kung Fu master. Yeah, well, I could hear the grasshopper at. Right. But then when you go, when you got to throw it down, it's Tai Chi. No, Taekwondo. I mean, Taekwondo. Wow. I love it. I took Tang Sudo in college.

That's not a thing. I don't know what that is. Joe, back me up. Tang Sudo? Tang Sudo, how dare you? How dare you? Trotaria. Babushka.

It's a Korean discipline. Oh, you did that so you can go to the massage places. Yeah, and their barbecue. That's a good idea. I think I was Korean in a past life. I think so, too. For sure. Offline, we have to talk about saunas.

Yes. Oh, big sauna. That's me. Big sauna and ice bath guy now. Me. You? Ooh, let's discuss. We're going to make out after the show.

He's going to win once. He's engaged. It's fine. Yeah. You'll have to do with her. Not me. Your marriage doesn't count. Man, do you do any, you ever learn fighting?

Yeah. Boxing. No, it's just New Jersey. Just New Jersey flail a lot. Oh, that's right. Right. I know that. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Just go kind of nuts. I'm taking boxing and I like it. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. At this age, ever since I became a comedian,

my first line of defense is joke and talk yourself out of it. Of course. Yeah. And then after that run. Yeah. If that guy that spit on me, let me do my act first. Right. You would have been my friend.

Yeah. I mean, a crazy person is the best crowd work. Yeah. So you spit on you and you go, where are you from? Yeah. Where do you work? Nice shirt. Where'd you get that?

That's amazing. I don't come to your job and mess with you. Oh, you don't have a job. Heyo. Well, I'm sorry that happened. That's all right. Yeah, it's part of living in New York. Yeah, I think it's, you know, whatever.

It made me more aware of my surroundings. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Have you seen any National Guard in the, Subways yet? No. I heard you guys have National Guard now. I haven't seen that.

Yeah. Yeah. Because they asked for funding. They really wanted the money. Yeah. And they're like, we're not giving you the money. We'll just give you the guard. So they were going to use the money and put more cops out there.

Put more cops. That's right. Which makes people feel okay. But then they put, yeah, machine gun got people down there. Oh, I haven't seen that. It doesn't instill confidence. It's not everywhere. It's just in certain areas.

I don't know if they followed through. Well, I know they're not the 23rd stop. Yeah. No one's over there. It's completely empty. You know, I remember when I was a kid, we went, and this before Giuliani, we would go to New York and my, you know, my godfather lived in Brooklyn and a bunch of other cousins and relatives. And he was very overprotective. And it was Times Square was scary.

Yeah. And it was, it was just a place like what you saw. the movies. Right. Kind of like, you just had to be really careful and try carefully. And then as an adult, I started to go back and that's when Giuliani came in.

And my God, everything was sparkling. I mean, of course there were still some, you didn't like the vibe. They didn't like the energy. And I mean, I've,

and I've only experienced the safe to walk everywhere. And I've, and then I haven't, I haven't been back since March, 2020. Wow. I was at the cellar.

I had a spot in the cellar when everything was like March 12th. Whoa. Yes. And I was sitting there. Marina Franklin is like, I'm immune compromise. Everyone get away. Like we didn't know about masks yet.

Like it hadn't all really happened yet. It was two days later. It was two. Yeah. I flew home and then, yeah, everything. But we were just hanging out all talking about like,

what do you think this is? And I, not that I haven't been back now. Not because I don't want to go back. I just haven't had a gig. It's closer to what it was before Giuliani. Yeah, that's what I heard. Yeah. And I'm sad because I walked everywhere.

It was a very unusual time, and it was the time when I was raising my kids there. Yeah. And to the point where I had to teach them that that's not the way it is. We had this period of nirvana. Yeah. And you've got to be, you got to come at it more or less. alert than how you grew up. Yeah.

Because that really was a bit of an illusion. It was fantastic. Yeah. As a young comic, I'd go out there. I'd book like, this was like, you know, 20 years ago. I'd book a bunch of gigs anything I could get and just walk the entire. I never even jumped before Uber, obviously. Yeah.

I never jumped in a cab and I never jumped on the subway. Right. Just, it was fantastic. So I want to go back, but I'm also like, ooh. Well, you should go back now because now, that you know Krav Maga. Yeah. I think you'd do very well there.

Get their neck. Just walk around the subway spitting on people. And you can still do all that, except you'd be running to every spot. Yeah. Yeah. Get some cardio. All right. So you have your bread.

I have my bread. I'm very excited. You had a nice espresso. I have my espresso. You had a nice coffee cake. Coffee cake's amazing. Is there anything you want before we ask for the bill? Oh.

And you know what? Tonight on the house. Wow. Oh, thank you. Yeah, on the house. So generous. So good. Yeah.

Well, that's what we do here at the Trotteria. Babushka, babushka, babushka, yeah, yeah. Anything we can tell the people about where you're performing or anything or how they can follow you? I'm on tour with Tom Papa. And anytime I'm not, I'm doing my own dates. Stephen Rogers Comedy.com. Beautiful. And Stephen Rogers comedy on Instagram.

and all that stuff. Recording an album. Nice. The Comedy Fort and Fort Collins in October. Beautiful. So please, for the love of God, go to that. Nice. Yeah.

And what are we going to call it? Coffee cake. Coffee cake, or please don't hit me. Testicle cat's a pretty good name. Pretty good name. Pretty good name. Yeah, it's not bad, actually. Yeah.

Definitely. like it. You too wouldn't take it down. No way. All right, we got it, Joe. When you were little, you had been braced some of course of recreat. Always in trying to negotiate,

exchange these cards of hockey, the bonhom, these bracelets, even of the collation. You know that each thing has a value well, before to have

to be able to know how much changed. Negoti to citre TD you can't to renew with your instinct of negotiation.

With, without operation gratuit, no amount of minimum and No, no fretsmanual. You're made for negotiate. And the apply negotiatesitititre TD is made for you

aid. Telecharge it right now.