Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 215 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

Greg Fitzsimmons joins the podcast fresh off running the 2 Bears 5k with Tom. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- About Greg: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons has achieved success as a stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and host on TV, radio and his own podcast. Greg is host of the hugely popular FitzDog Radio podcast and The Greg Fitzsimmons Show, on SiriusXM’s "Howard 101”. A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg has made more than 50 visits to The Howard Stern Show. Greg’s one-hour standup special, Life On Stage, was named a Top 10 Comedy Release of 2013 by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available as a CD, DVD and download. Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons, climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. About Tom: Tom Papa, a celebrated stand-up comedian with over 20 years in the industry, has made significant strides in film, television, radio, podcasts, and live performances. Notably, he's a regular on "The Joe Rogan Experience" and various late-night TV shows. Papa's literary skills are evident in his books “We’re All In This Together” and "You’re Doing Great!: And Other Reasons To Stay Alive," a collection of essays, and "Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas," a comedic look at family life. His latest stand-up specials are “Tom Papa: What A Day!” and "Tom Papa: You’re Doing Great!" on Netflix. Beyond comedy, Papa's engagements extend to hosting "What A Joke With Papa And Fortune" on SiriusXM and appearing on NPR's "Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me." His love for baking led to hosting the Food Network series "Baked." As an actor, he's worked with notable figures like Rob Zombie and Steven Soderbergh and has appeared in several films and TV shows, including the HBO film "Behind the Candelabra." Additionally, Papa has contributed as a writer to projects like "Bee Movie" and various TV series. Residing in Los Angeles with his family, Papa continues to balance his professional life with personal interests like baking. Get in touch with or go see Tom live on stage! Radio, Podcasts and more: https://linktr.ee/tompapa/ Website - http://tompapa.com/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/tompapa Twitter - https://www.twitter.com/tompapa Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/comediantompapa #TomPapa #breakingbreadwithTomPapa Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And I think about that all the time. It's time for breaking bread with Papa. Hey, don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey. I love Tuesday nights. Tuesday nights is like Fihima and War is doing all new stuff. And, you know, you kind of hang out and watch each other.

And I don't know, it just felt really like a good vibe. and, you know, some nights you really find your voice, like the great thing about what we do. Yes. And I've been doing it 35 years. You've been probably doing it about 28. 30. 30.

And I don't stop feeling like I can be better. 100%. And trying, not reinventing myself, but finding another way to get more into my voice. A hundred percent. And it seems when you realize that at times, it seems insane. that you're still that little giraffe legs newborn kid 35 years in.

You can really, and people don't understand that. Like, wait, why would you be worried about it? No, there is literally because you're not locked in. You're still adapting. You're still growing. It is a weird thing. Yeah, and every new piece of material, it's like the reason you write new stuff isn't just so that when you go back to a city,

they're not going to see the same stuff. It's also about peeling back the onion. Every time you do a new bit, you get a little closer. Maybe I should say artichoke. You get closer to the artichoke cart. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

And, you know, right now I'm thinking about these arena acts. And there's this phenomenon right now where guys are playing Madison Square Garden. And, you know, Burt goes out and does 15,000 seats five nights a week. Yeah. And you go, all right. Well, I get it. I mean, he's hugely entertaining. And it's not just about going to see a guy do stand-up.

It's about being in a collection of people that are ripping their shirts off and feeling like, let's celebrate. It's a great vibe. But there's also that level that I'm at that I've been at for as long as I've known you. I've been at the same level. Right. After eight years, I hit a nice level. And I'm not complaining about that level. I put two kids through college.

I own my house. I drive a Prius. I'm living life. Yeah. But you wonder why you didn't get the traction that like a Tom Segura gets or somebody who's not, Burt,'s ripping the shirt off, get it. But Sigura is doing the same thing I'm doing. Nate.

Nate Braggotzi. And you think, all right, these guys, I have tons of respect. for them. There is good as anybody out there. But this is a part of me that feels like so am I. Right. But I didn't get that traction. And again, not complaining.

I'm just trying to get to that in my stand-up. I'm trying to address that and say, what is it about me that wasn't, is it that I'm not as vulnerable? Is there a part of me that people aren't going like? It's so hard to say. Yeah. I mean, it really is difficult to come.

kind of pin, I mean, because you can come at it at the angle of what my material is. Yeah. You can come at it as my persona on stage. You could also come at it as your desire for that, your hunger for that. Yeah. At the time when you were having kids and going volleyball games and having this really great life on the beach with your family and writing for TV shows. And writing on all these shows.

Yep. And, you know, it's not like you, you, there could be a marketing angle to go out. Like were you pursuing laser focused on I want to be that kind of a big act? And doing the social media and doing all those extra things. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's, you know, you can come at it purely as you might not have ever wanted that. My father said to me when I was about 14 years old, he said, everybody is at the level they want to be at.

Mm-hmm. And I think about that all the time. And I think to myself, do I want the extra pressure? Do I want the obligations? Do I, can I handle the adulation at that level? Because, you know, we both, we ran together at the 5K. And it was fun because every couple minutes, somebody would yell at, hey, Tom, hey, Greg.

And it was nice. Yeah. But we didn't have a crowd of people running with us, which is what Byrd had. And you go, did which of those scenarios would I have preferred? Well, I'll tell you it was the one that we did, to your dad's point, because when we were there, we were quietly getting our water bottles, having a little conversation. People would come up and say something, be like, real low-key, like, hey, take a little photo back. But I wanted to be with you.

You wanted to be with me. We're hanging with Joe. We're doing a thing. Right. If you're a different Greg Fitzsimmons, you would have been there like, let's go. Right. Walking up to the start, where's Bert? Where's Tom? Let's go. Let's milk this. Let's make this a thing. There's jelly roll. Let's go. Yeah. We weren't doing that. Yeah. We were just being Tom and Greg who just want to come and support our friends who have a 5K and have a cool mellow time. See? We almost didn't go into the VIP thing at the end because we're like, there's going to be a lot of people there. Yeah. As opposed to like, just a lot of people there. You know, I want to go. And I think part of it is to factor in. I have a factor in. I have a lot of. I have a lot.

little social anxiety. People would never guess that because I'm a comedian. You'd think it would be the opposite. And I am pretty gregarious as my, I'm Greg, I put the Greg and gregarious. Yeah, we've always said that around here. And like, I truly enjoy being at the store when there's seven or eight comics I like and I can bounce around and say hi. But once it gets to 12 or 15 comedians, I'm gone. I'm gone. I get a little too, I can't handle that. And so, So that's what you're asking for every night. Like my meet and great after the show is a very civil line of people. I sell them a pin.

Yep. Some buy it, some don't. Yeah. And they take some pictures. Yep. And it takes a half an hour time. These guys are going two, three hours with a line with bodyguards. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. I know. I mean, even at the end when there was like the VIP area in the, the Rose Bowl and we're off to the, it's like the comics are in the VIP section. When I drove home, I was thinking about what a lovely time we all had. But I also was thinking, Greg and I did not make a move to the stage. There was a big stage set up.

Didn't even occur to me. It didn't even occur to me. Yeah. To get up on stage in front of a loving audience and Bert and Tom's cultivated audience. Yeah. And they know us because of that whole orbit. There wasn't one, it wasn't until I got home that I was like, why didn't I get up there? We're the only two big headliners other than those guys.

Yeah. Everyone else was good acts, but not at our level. Yeah. But we did not have one thing of, let's get up there. I would have thought of it until you just said it just now. It wouldn't have occurred to me. We should have been on stage. Bert would have put us in his Instagram.

It would have been the whole thing. Yep. you're thinking about peeling the onion and becoming a great comedian. That's the thing that you walk around all day that's omnipresent in your brain. Yeah. It's not the marketing end of it. Right, right. You know,

and then as I was walking out outside the stadium, Tony Hinchcliff, who had just destroyed on the roast, pulls up in a Mercedes convertible that he'd rented, and he had on Italian sunglasses, and he just went right inside, and then I saw videos later of him on stage, like,

oh, he didn't even run the 5K, I know, man. I know. And, you know, I think, yeah, here's a great little tale. And it really kind of puts it in perspective. And, you know, I go back and forth. I go, like, sometimes I'll get, like, really into the marketing part of it. Yeah.

Sometimes I don't. But I had Maria Bamford on my radio show. Uh-huh. And Maria, you know, we all worship Maria. One of the best ever. The best ever. the most creative, interesting, kind minds in comedy. And we're so lucky to be around when she's around.

So we're interviewing her. And I think Joe Coy had just been in. Or we were just talking about Kevin Hart. Do you remember Joe? I think it was Joe Coy. I think he was doing a big stadium tour. He's doing this giant stadium tour. And selling like he's got half of his family selling merch,

half of his family's taking care of transit. Three tour buses. Yeah, right. He has three tour buses. And we brought that up because we had just spoken to him earlier, and Maria's there now in the studio. And we're like, wow, that Fortune and I were like, wow, that's so three tour buses and he's doing the, holy cow.

And Maria's looked horrified. Yeah. And she goes, I don't want to run a corporation. I don't want to be the CEO of a giant enterprise. I want to run a small used bookshop. and I come in and I have my regulars and we have a pleasant time and we have coffee

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Now available in Canada, too. That's quince, quince, c-u-in-c-e dot com slash papa, P-A, for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash papa. There's a beauty in both. Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, they say like, uh, What is it? Envy is the Thief of Joy or something? Mm-hmm.

You know, compare and despair. All those things like, it really is true. And you know who's so eloquent is, one of my space against his name, British comic, Carr, Jimmy Carr. Oh, right. He was kind of handsome. I know.

Jimmy Carr said this thing. Well, you know, he's not classically handsome, but he's just handsome enough that he can get in the door and then the charm takes the rest. A quick aside, I put him up here in the trattoria because when I met Cynthia, my wife, she told me that when she was younger, she had a big crush on Quincy, Jack Klugman. And I was like, I think I have a shot here. And I get to be sloppy. Yeah, I can wear my Metscap backwards. So compare and despair.

Oh, and Jimmy Carr was just talking about how we are the most fortunate people in history. This, a hundred years ago, people did, well, our generation, like nobody had a hot shower a hundred years ago. We enjoy hot showers. We enjoy, I mean, forget even about technology, but just general cleanliness and your baby's surviving past one. All these things that have just happened. And we should be so fortunate and constantly just looking around and going like, holy cow. And instead, envy comes in and takes all of it away.

And so I really find, I don't know. The reason I'm in this mindset is because of the L.A. Comedy Festival. It came to town and an army of comics came in from New York. They were doing a bunch of shows. I did two shows. not even big ones. And I'm watching stadium, Hollywood Bowl,

and all these. And I just, it was 10 days where I just, next year I'm going to Hawaii and turning my phone on. Because you can't not compare and despair when there's 20 shows a night. Yeah. Well, there's always been that thing of when you would get into a festival.

And this is how sick it all is. You get into a festival, you get into the Montreal Comedy Festival, which is the Just for Last Festival is a young comic you're hoping to get in and you get in and you get,

you finally get to be a part of this great thing with all the great comedians, you've been invited. Yeah. And you get there and you get off the plane and they give you a bag and they give you the program.

And you see that poster for every festival and they've got the big names up top. Jerry, Chris Rock, and the names get smaller and smaller and smaller. And then down at the bottom, there's Greg Fitzsimmons and Tom Papa. And you're like, I hope.

I felt good for a half hour. Yeah, right. And now you got all these hot shots. Yeah. But I remember that. I remember that with the first festival, because it's every two years is going to be the schedule for just for the. Oh, I thought it was canceled.

No, I think it's right, Joe. It's every two years. Yeah, just for last canceled. Just for last canceled Netflix festival that you're talking about. It will be every other outfit. When you're going to go to Hawaii. You don't have to go to Hawaii next year. God.

But I remember the first one. I remember this palpable envy from comics from the East who weren't involved and just seeing on Instagram what is happening out there. And I was really, I really went into this festival like whatever thing you're involved in, make sure you post about it. So you feel like you're a part of the whole thing. And, you know, that marketing angle came in. Like we didn't get on stage at the 5K. No. But Joe put together an amazing video of you and I running.

I loved it. I loved it. And it was great. Nice job, Joe. And, you know, and then you're a part of it. Then your name isn't so small anymore. It's up at the next level. So I was backstage at the comedy store at the main room last week. And Bobby Lee was there talking about the same thing at the Ted Serendos brunch, the big brunch.

That he wasn't there? And he wasn't there. Yeah. And he was pissed off. Right. And he's going off about who was there. And I saw your picture and why was I there? And Mazja Brani was like, I wasn't there either.

And they're really getting angry. And I'm trying to pacify them. And they're like, shut up, Tom. You were there. And then I drove home. And I sent him a message. I don't know if he's responded. But I said, forget the brunch.

I can't get booked on your podcast. You said, the Bobby Lane? Yeah. So what, you know what I mean? What are we talking about? Right, right. It's not a slight. It's not of your shit.

It's none of that stuff. Yeah. It's, but you have to, you have to, you have to maintain it. You have to, it's like going to the gym. Like you have to keep your head in the right place. Yes. Or, because you do see. And when I was younger, I would get more upset about those kind of slights.

Well, I also, as you are, good friends with comments. that we started with that are huge now. And I talk to them on the phone and sometimes I want to stop them and go, okay, you literally just complained that you didn't sell out the back row of a 10,000 seat theater and that you need to switch agents

and I'm trying to fill a 250 seater in Houston on the late show Friday. So let's be a little careful about what we're complaining about. And then one guy who's like, huge, just had a hit movie, plays 10,000 Cedars. Yeah. Was saying, you know, this town, nobody takes me seriously.

Nobody gets, nobody offers me anything. Yeah. And you just go like, all right. So that's the thing that reminds me, write a fucking gratitude list. Neil Brennan talks about his gratitude list and how it kind of changed his life. Yeah. Every day. Sit down and write down five or ten things that you're grateful for because I don't care what

philosopher, Deepak Chopra or, you know, what's the name of the job? German guy. Eckhart Toll, they all talk about the gratitude. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's, it's, it's really important because this, this, this stuff doesn't last. Yeah. You know, those guys are selling that arena. You, after the Saturday, early show, sold out. Yeah. Standing ovation when you walk off. Right. By the time you get to the green room, the buzz is kind of gone. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of gone. Yeah. So to hang your self-worth on those things doesn't work at all. It's really the craft that you have to just keep getting better at.

That's what makes you really happy. That's truly what makes you. I mean, you just said it at the beginning of the podcast. That's really what makes you happy. And, you know, that other stuff is, you know, it's kind of a... I leave it on the plane. When I fly home on Sunday, I literally get off the plane and I, it's like I went through a chamber. And it washed my mind of whatever.

ever just happened that weekend. And I'm coming on to my wife. Gonna throw a move on the wife. She's going to shut me down because she needs like a few hours to get acclimated. I'm her husband. And I say hi to my kids. And, you know, I just, like you said, I go play beach volleyball. Yeah.

You know, play golf or I watch a football game with my son. Exactly. And because you don't get to hear it, I'll say it. Yeah. Across the board. I interview a lot of comedians between. this and my radio show for Netflix, right? There's comedians every day.

Every single time that I bring your name up, it is how fucking funny. What a great guy. Holy shit. That's so nice to hear. Right, Joe? How many times do we, we hear it constantly? Wow. It really.

That's really. That's nice to hear. To have the respect and admiration of all, at every level. Yeah. Is you should know that. I do on some level, but it's nice to hear it. It is definitely something that I feel like when I show up at the clubs, I feel like I can look everybody in the eye.

And you can tell in a second whether or not people are giving you a phony. And I get so many sincere feeling like they want to see me and they're happy to see me. And then you see some comics sitting in the back row when you're on stage, which means they're watching you. That probably means more to me than selling out the Saturday early show. You know? I know. I know. I can't imagine the day. And not just story. The improv is great. The laugh fracture to some extent. People don't really hang out at the laugh factory as much they kind of come in and go. Yeah. But the clubs that I hang out, I can't imagine the day where I don't

fill my soul within an hour in the hallway. Yeah. Seeing people that, even if I don't like them. Right. Even if it's someone that makes me crazy. Like I love Mark Marin. But he can also push my buttons. But that's part of it. I can't imagine the day when I don't spar a little bit with Marin. How does he push your buttons? Well, we start in Boston together. It just looks at you. That's all it takes. He just puts his head back and he looks at it and he goes, we good? Is there a problem? And you're like, I didn't think there was, but now there kind of is. It's the best. You know? And then he's You see Burr and Burr unleashes, like, hilarious monologues to you?

Like, what's great is, or what was great, it probably has to happen more often than what I'm just going to say is being in the back room of the store with Burr and Marin going at each other. Oh, what a treat. Right, right. What a treat. Yeah, we all started in Boston. Because you really feel like it's like siblings fighting over nothing. Yeah. As a spectator, you're trying to catch, what are we arguing about here?

Yeah. And it's really nothing. They're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, did you see Burr on Bill Maher? No. You should watch it. Last week.

It's very intense. It's really an exercise in bad booking because Bill Maher is a alpha male times three, but Burr is an alpha male times seven. Right. And they sat across from each other. On the HBO show or the... No, his podcast. So, you know, Bill's smoking pot, he's got scotch, and he's very relaxed,

and he's not ready for Bill who, like, calls you on everything, like it's a sport. Yep. And Bill starts talking about these stupid students that are acting up, and Burge just goes right after him about it. It's like, I'm on the side of the kids, you know? And who are you? He goes, are you a general? Have you ever fought in a war? What the hell validity to you have?

He goes, you're like the guy that sits on the couch on Saturday and thinks he should be the quarterback. I really ripped him apart. Really? Yeah. How did Mar react? He didn't know what to do. Really? He kept rolling with it and trying to laugh a little bit, but he was on his heels the whole time.

Yeah, yeah, it was pretty sweet. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Those moments are so perfect. I mean, you still, people still talk about when Greg Gerardo was on. Dennis Leary. Dennis Leary. Yep.

Just to see, especially when it's an alpha, like Leary was an alpha. Yeah. And watching someone just, no bullshit, just go and call them out on their bullshit. Right. Oh. And it was with pure honesty. Yeah. He didn't do it with, he didn't do it with swagger.

No. He just countered point by point. Well, if you wrote more, your TV show, it's still a man. Hey, I'm a big fan. You show up with your little jokes. Is that what you do, Geraldo? Yeah. Yeah, it's what we do.

It's called comedy. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh, it's so good. Because Leary wanted to punch him, but he couldn't because he was on TV. It was great. Yeah.

Those moments are great. Yeah. And those are the moments that it's funny when you think about what makes somebody break. That was a big deal for Geraldo. He kind of stepped up a couple notches after that because it went kind of by, this is, I think, at the beginning of things going viral. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. And it's like burr, infant.

Philadelphia, taken on the crowd when they were all booing and he did his time. Like that, that was the thing that made it. It's so weird, the moments that somebody pops from. Yeah, it is interesting. And you don't know when it's going to happen, but I see guys, there's some people at the store that I watch and I go, this guy is going to explode as soon as something sparks it. Like Fahim last night. I'm just watching Fahim and going, like, why is this guy huge?

I know. I called him after his Tonight Show. Yeah. He just had like, it was so good. It was just so tight and good and funny and goofy and smart. And it was, yeah, I have the same feeling about him. Yeah. But, you know, you don't know.

I mean, it could take forever. Could take forever. It could happen next week. Yeah. And then it happens fast. That's the thing about when people start to tell him. Tony Hinchcliffe, he did that Kill Tony's show for 10 years. Yeah.

And it had a little following. They had fun. Everybody loved doing it. Yeah. The beauty is it had the time. He's a great producer. And he tweaked it and he made it stronger. And he figured out bits and segments and the band.

And then all of a sudden it went from comedy clubs to Madison Square Garden in like a year. Yeah. Because when things get online and they get hot, look at Adam Ray with this Dr. Phil character. Right. I mean, that's, I remember six months ago. him setting it up. I was at the store during the day for some reason. And he was like, hey, I'm doing this thing.

I'm like, cool. Now it's like, it's fucking on every festival. He's like, you know, viral. Yeah, yeah. It catches. Once something catches, it happens so much faster than it used to. Let's talk about us in our athletic careers. Oh, yeah.

Because it's not all comedy. Nope. It's, you know, we find our joys other places as well. And Joe, are you on, Mike? I can be. Give me one second. Because I think the best place to start is with you because you got to see probably closer than anybody. Yeah.

What kind of athletes you were dealing with when Greg and I met up at the 5K. Well, I would say you're both in excellent shape. I would say if 5K might not have been enough for you, 10K would have been more appropriate, maybe even a 15K if that's a thing. I think that you guys needed probably to be carrying some weights. That was probably holding you back is that it was too easy. I do feel like our pace was we didn't really know the course. We could have put it into another gear when we felt comfortable enough that we were like halfway.

We could have like, we were kind of saving it. We were definitely saving it. When I saw the finish line, I felt like, oh, I got a lot left in the tank. Yeah, but the problem is the beginning of the race, you go up a hill. So that kind of sets your pace a little slower than it would have been. Right, that's a good point. That made us a little sluggish. And then I feel like the coming, returning was mostly downhill.

Yeah, which we didn't know. Like, we hadn't known the course. We could have turned it on in the second half more. Yeah, as soon as that hill's over, we get after it. We ran past the jelly roll, though, on the way back. He was like a rabbit. Jelly Rabbit. Yeah, he really, I think he's named after the food that really dictates his speed.

If you had to pick a piece of food for his pace, jelly roll. Yeah, he's a cool guy. Yeah. All right, I'm going to go through some other things because we connected. What happened was Greg and I got to the 5K and we didn't know we were going to be there. And it was, what are you going to do? What's your game plan? What are you thinking of running?

and I said, I'm coming in usually around like an 11-minute mile, and you're like, that's my pace. And we're like, let's do it together. And we took off and did it. And truth be told, it's not as impressive as what Joe did, which was run alongside of us with a full radio equipment, a boom mic, a pack. Not being able to do the stride, just having to do the whole thing.

Yeah. It was really, we really should have had a golf cart for you, but it was pretty funny. after, to be honest. Like, it was so fun doing that. My arms did hurt the next day. The forearms is what took a big beating. Yeah.

But it made me want to always be exercising while I do my job. But I think I asked you and you said, you used to be a runner? Yeah. Yeah. I've run since, like, high school off and on. I've gone up to like 12 miles and stuff. So it was in my system. Yeah.

But I haven't done anything like that in a long time. Never with audio gear. Yeah. It was definitely. It was definitely impressive. So we connect with running. I was going to run today in your honor. But this is L.A.

I was like, it's cold today. No way. Are you serious? For a run, it was gold? I went back in and jumped on the Peloton. It was a hard workout on the Peloton, though. That's amazing. It was for 45 minutes.

Yeah. It was too cold. Do you pick an attractive teacher? I do the opposite. Oh. I go with Matt Wilpers. Okay. who's you.

He looks like you. Yeah. And he's... I wouldn't say opposite. He's... That's a strong word. He's motivated. He's a coach.

He's just a dude from Georgia plays country music. Right. Doesn't know how to keep beat with the rest of it. He's just great. He's really about stats and just keeps you on point. He's the best. In the beginning when I went on and I put on the attractive women, you know, flirting with the camera. and bending over and showing you what they could, you know.

Sweating a little. It's a whole relationship that they're building there. I'm like, I don't need this. Your wife walks in, you're like, what? Why do you have an erection during the Peloton? Just give me a coach. Oh, my God. Yeah.

So I did a, yeah, so I've been doing it for a long time, though. The Peloton is a long streak, like over four years. That's amazing. Once a week. Wow. It really, like, hooked me. No, in full disclosure, I have a bad, I hurt my knee of Thanksgiving, and it hasn't healed, and so I have only been doing incline bikes.

How'd you heard it at the parade? I don't know. No, we play soccer. I throw this big soccer game for my neighborhood, and it's usually literally one year it was 40 on 40. Whoa. That's a whole town. It's like Braveheart, and I tell everybody bring a black and a white t-shirt so we can split off into teams. and there's always like three kids that are like seniors in high school that just dart through everybody

and all the old people get injured so I heard I don't know how I hurt my knee but I'm going to I just went to the doctor and got an MRI so when I ran I was I don't know if you notice I was heavily taped up I did not notice so now I'm back to just incline bike until I can go to physical therapy oh that's good yeah I was I didn't notice your tape because I was thrown by that woman's comment when we were about to start that hit you hard still carrying it It's so weird how that stuff can hit with you. She comes over, she's like a big fan of comedy and ours, and she takes a picture with Greg and goes, you have a real runner's body. And then she looked me up and down and walked away.

She walked away. She just walked away. I was like, hey. It was like, it wasn't, your first reaction wasn't even humor. It was really lost hurt. You were lost in hurt. Because I have to admit,

when I was putting on my. running stuff and heading out, I was like, this is going to be pretty impressive to people to see to know that I've got like my running stuff. Like I look pretty good in this Nike dry fit. Like they're going to be like, oh, wow, Tom's still an athlete. It wasn't the perception of the public at all. The public weighed in and they weighed you in. Yeah.

Yeah, but you're, but do you still eat bread? I heard now that you're not eating bread anymore. I eat bread. Who said that? Okay. I don't know. I thought so. Who's spreading those rumors?

Well, then I'm off bread? Who's talking like that? I think it was Tom Segura. That's son of a bitch. I don't know. I don't know who said it. Son of a bitch.

I brought you bread from Lodgebread. The last time I did your podcast, you drove from your house to Venice Beach to bring me a loaf of bread to thank me. That's one of the nicest things a comedian has ever done. That was so generous. Yeah. Well, I love you. But I just got off the road so I couldn't make you bread for this podcast.

So whenever I can't, I go to Lodge Bread. Oh. In Culver City, Joe. And they're just, they're great. So you drove all the way down to Culver City to get that for me? No, Joey did. And he had to do it sideways and videotape. Well, that's beautiful.

What type of bread is it? Country loaf. These guys are so great. Yeah, they were on the podcast and they're just, they just really know what they're doing. Wow. So good. Yeah. So that'll be your bread.

Let me go through some other fitness things and see where you come out. Yeah. Because, you know, we're always toying around with ideas. I have Instagram. You have Instagram. There's a lot of people slinging a lot of stuff on there, what we're supposed to do and how we're supposed to live. Yeah. Yeah.

Very adamantly, especially young guys. Yeah. They want to tell you about, you know, stoicism. and yell at you that these are the five things you need to do. And the guy's, the guy's 19. Right. Doesn't even have a girlfriend or an apartment. Right, right.

Telling you how to live. Cold plunge. Yeah. In or out. In. My neighbor has one and I go over and do it a lot. You do? Yeah.

And I, I've always been a fit. When I was young, I hated cold water. And then I don't know, I get to a certain age. and I was in Seattle and there's a lake there. What's the lake or the river next thing? Lake Minut and Pop-Pops? Yes, Lake Minut and Pop-Pops. Lake Minnie.

And I jumped into the water, the Puget Sound. Uh-huh. And I jumped into the Puget Sound off a boat. And the guy was with said, don't do that. It's filled with pubs. No, no, it's just really cold. Uh-huh. And I jumped in, and I just, like, felt alive.

And I just, like, felt great all day. And ever since then, like, I, it's, In South Africa, I go into the Indian Ocean and it's like almost frozen. Really? And I like the pain. Do you go in the cold ocean in California? Oh yeah. I go to Venice Beach.

I go all the time. Like in January? Yep. Really? Yep. Really? Yeah. You just dip in and come out?

I try to stay in for five minutes. Wow. A couple waves. Wow. Yeah. In a boat? In a boat. In a boat.

I have one of those old Indian canoes. So tell me why I should do it, because you're not a 19-year-old guy or don't admire. I'm not going to be one of those guys that, you know, tells you the names of the cellular structure that changes when you hit cold water. I'm just going to tell you that when you do it, you did it. And you take that away. You said, I put myself, I put myself into a challenging position. That's why it's great to do it in the morning because once you've done that, everything seems easy for the rest of the day.

Really? Yeah. And it also will, if you have aches and pains, which at our age, you just do. Once you hurt something, you kind of are going to feel it the rest of your life. If it's a bad turn. Is that the Brian Regan bit? Oh, what is it? Something like when he goes to the doctor, you get to a certain age and you go to, sorry, Brian,

but you go to the doctor at a certain age and you're like, I'm really messed up my knee. Like, yep. So are we going to fix it? What's the point? Right. It's like my Prius. I have a 2011 Prius, and when it gets hit, I just go, all right. Let's go. There's no thought of a repair shop. Yeah, we're not trading this in. No. So, yeah, it really does reduce the swelling in those joints.

So it helps your knee? It helps my knee a lot. Really? Yeah, that's why I started actually doing it in like December, right after the injury. So he's got one of those metal. Official cold plunges? No, it's just a, it's a bear claw tub that's on the side of his house filled with water. And we bring over a couple bags of ice and we just dump it in, wait 10 minutes and jump in.

Wow. Yeah. All right. Okay. Sona? Yeah. He's got, my friend, his name is Matt Malloy. You live next to Joe Rogan.

Is Joe secretly back? Can you imagine the pressure that would be? Come on, dude. I know. Couldn't take it. His sauna's 180 degrees and he stays in for 20 minutes. He's such a beast. No, but my friend Matt Malloy is like, he's an actor.

You probably recognize him, but he's just a real, like, solid, fun. He's the king of fun. And his house has a hot tub, like a 12-person hot tub. It's not a big house. His yard is filled. He's got a 12-person hot tub. He's got a dry sauna. He's got the cold plunge.

He's got a steam shower. He's got a putting green on the front yard. He's got a ping pong table. Whoa. And about 11 beach bikes on the side of the house. And you just, we go to his house all the time and you just, we call it the cycle. You try to work the cycle where you go into each one of those things. Oh, really?

Yeah. How long are you in the sauna? Like 15 minutes. Okay. So we go sauna first. Right. Outdoor shower, cold plunge, hot tub. And then, and then you try to do it a couple times.

Jeez. You get lightheaded? Not really. We go slow. There's a lot of talking in between. It's not like a rush job. Yeah. Oh, I had a sauna guy come out to the house last week.

And he immediately was like, he was a really cool guy, but he immediately was like, and were you going to put the cold plunge? I was like, what? Yeah. I don't want to. Yeah. But he was like, oh, I know, but it's so good.

Yeah. From the sauna to the cold plunge. Uh-huh. You just wonder if it's good. I mean, you're good with the pelas. I mean, you commit it. A lot of people's Peloton is a, you know, a hanging rack for clothes right now. Yeah, no, it's definitely, yeah, I know what you're saying, like the sauna might sit empty.

I don't think the sauna would, but the cold plunge might. Yeah, I don't see the cold plunge might. You might want to try that a few times before you. I got a pool. I can just jump in there. Yeah. Just don't heat it. You don't heat your pool?

Not if I want to pretend it's a cold plunge. But do you normally heat it? Yeah. So you go in year round? Eh, I did in the beginning, because I'm, from New Jersey. Yeah. And when you come out, you're like, you could swim all year.

Yeah. And then after you're here for 10 years, you're like, it's too cold to run today. Yeah. I know. It's 68. Yeah. I know. I've gotten so soft.

And there's no sun. We have a hot tub in our backyard. You do. I go in it five days a week year round. Really? Well, not in the hot summer, but the rest of the year. I really want one of those, too. but my wife, I think she's just standing strong

that she wants it to be built into the pool. I'm like, we can go to Costco. We can get one tonight. Right. Above ground, put it on the deck, fill it with what we're in it tonight. Right. She's like, it doesn't look as nice as the one with the cascading waterfall into the pool. And if we're going to do it, we should do it right.

That would be nice, but what is right? She priced it out? Yeah. It's probably crazy. Yeah, it's insane. Because you got to go down and put a heater in the pipes. And I mean, I guess you got the heater, but you'd need a different heater to get it that hot. Yeah.

It's a big. It'll be two different whole systems. A lot of money. Yeah. How are you feeling about money? I love it. But they say that money is a real indicator of how you're feeling about trust, life being providence, your place in the world.

Like, you, I remember you bought a Prius. Never. Yes, you did? You were at the comedy store with a Prius. Tesla. Oh, that's what I meant. I meant Tesla. Okay.

And I remember thinking, good for Tom. Like, it was when you started really doing, you moved to another notch about five years ago. Is that about right? 10. Okay. 14. There's something else here now.

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And you bought this Tesla and I was like, good for Tom. He's got his fucking corporate dates and you know and he's spending the money and he's having fun with it yeah well yeah i was a huge fan of tesla yeah huge fan the same way i was with apple like when the first computer came out yeah the square things on your day was just like i was all in i'm just so excited about the tech and then the same thing with tesla i was like this is going to change the world right how do you how do i want i want one so badly and truth be told i did a game show a short-lived game show for one season.

Oh, yeah, on the Game Show Network. No, on Fox. But you also did one on the Game Show Network. I did. Yeah. Yeah, that they never aired. Oh, okay. But the one on Fox, they did.

It was just, it was this crazy thing called Boom. Uh-huh. It was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that. The things exploded. Right, right. It was the same time, like, where terrorism was really becoming a problem. And they're just blowing bombs off on contestants.

That's hilarious. I wonder why it didn't catch. But anyway, they gave me a bunch of money to do it. Just a phone, didn't audition, just a phone call. Nice. You want you to come in and do this. And I took that money and I literally went on the computer and press, like, buy now. No.

On the Tesla. Wow. Yeah. It never even sat in one. I just was like, I have the cash. And do you love it? I'm going to buy it. It was a.

2015. Yeah. I still have it. Yeah. I still, when I get in it, I'm so excited. It's the best thing that I ever bought. Is it the, which version of it is? The S.

Is the S got the high back on it? It's, um, no. It's, uh, it's the sedan, like the big, the big sedan. Because I'm thinking about buying one right. Yeah, this doesn't make sense at all, but I'm split between getting a Mustang and a Tesla. That is weird. I always wanted a Mustangs. Yeah.

I mean like you. I grew up in New York. Like East Coast, you get a fucking Mustang. You get a muscle car. Exactly. And I still, I'm 58 and I don't know if I'll look ridiculous in a Mustang. What do you think? I think you'll have, you'll look ridiculous, but your smile will be so big.

Yeah. People won't. I know, you know, it's L.A. Everybody's in crazy cars and stuff. It's, it's, it's culture. But I am thinking about the Tesla too. But the Tesla is smart. It feels great.

Yeah. It moves great. I haven't been in a gas station other than. to take a piece since 2015. Wow. It's crazy. Yeah. And there's nothing to break on it.

Like, I've never repaired. I've repaired like a door handle. Mm-hmm. I repaired. I changed the tires once just because of where. I think there's no maintenance. There's nothing, there's no oil change. Has the cabin, is it quiet in the cabin?

So elegant and quiet. It's so great. And the pickup from it, because the torque, the way they it's like a golf cart. Yeah. You don't even have to go, like, you know, the plaid, like the big fancy one now. Yeah. You can go to like zero to 60 in like half a second.

Yeah. That's great. But going from zero to 40 just from the stop sign. Yeah. It's so accelerating and fun. Yeah. You don't need to go up to 100. And so it's faster than the Mustang.

It's much fast. It would smoke the most. Yeah. Smoke it. Would not be close. Mustang's different. Mustangs, yeah. Pulling into the Dairy Queen and on a Friday night.

Right, right. What color would you get? Like a light blue. I knew it. Yeah. I was thinking dark blue, but blue. Blue. Yeah.

Convertible or hard top? No, hard top. I'm all about the cabin being quiet. I can't stand it when I can't hear the radio clearly when I'm driving. I don't know if the Mustang's going to give you that, would it? It seems loud to me. Yeah, but not as much as a convertible would be. But,

but I want to, you come into the, the Tesla's like, shoo. Yeah. It's just, and you kind of flip, my wife has a Jeep.

Yeah. And you get in that thing, and you're just like, blah, blah, yeah, you get the Tesla, just,

yeah. But I brought this up because I'd want to ask you about money. Yes. Because I just met with my financial planner yesterday, the guy that does my stocks. And we were talking for the first, time of my life about retirement.

You know, we're at that age. I mean, I'm a little older than you, but like, you know, I'm sure you're looking once in a while at your pension account. How much do I need? Yeah. And he said that I can retire, not now, but in about 25 years. And, uh, well, that's great, Greg. You know, the Prius is still good.

I would hang on to it. I would hang on to the Prius a little longer. But it really, like, we laid out, like, when I could retire and what level I could live at based on when I stopped. Right. And we just talked about, like, I can't imagine ever stopping completely. Yeah, I know. But at the same time, I've been fucking grinding since I was in college. I've been doing stand up hard.

Yeah. Other than the pandemic, I've never taken off more than two or three weeks in all these years. It's really, I'm the same way. And I sort of feel like, I think I'm allowed to retire early because I'm. I worked so hard and I started so young, you know. But I think that's true. But I'm going to use Ron White as an example. Yeah.

The great Ron White, I saw him at Joe's Club and I said, I was so cool to watch you retire because it was, it's very unusual to see a comedian say, I did it the right way. I'm done. It's my last show. I'll be around, but I'm retiring from stand-up. Yeah. I was like, that was really impressive.

And he was like, well, I took a date on New Year's. And I got a warm-up for that. So I booked a little tour leading up to that. And he's going harder than ever. Yeah, he is. But he was also revived, and he took a break. Yeah. And I think it's in us to not really quit.

You kind of like, you have so much fun doing it. It does something to you. It's unlike anything that you could come up with in a retirement. retirement fund palace. Right. That my inkling is we don't need to retire, but at a certain point after grinding for 35 years, nine months off, a year off? Yep.

It's kind of reset your clock in a way. Yeah, I think so. But it is funny, like I'll be at dinner. I'll be at Matt Malloy's house and there'll be three couples and we'll have a nice dinner. And then we're sitting around the fire, telling stories, laughing. and then all of a sudden it's like 945 and I'm like all right I got to head into Hollywood and look on their faces because they're winding down they're starting to look at their watches they want to go home and go to sleep you're going to drive all the way to sunset boulevard from Venice at 10 o'clock at night and all I think is like yeah I can't wait like and I'm driving there and I'm thinking about what I'm going to do and then I get there and like this whole other energy comes over me and I realize like I I love my friends. Yeah.

But there's something about hanging out with comics that is a different level. It just stimulates me in a different level than my friends do. Yeah. Yeah, there's a shorthand. They're funnier. They're funnier. There's an intensity. They're all funny.

Yeah. You can have really funny friends. Yeah. And then like their wife isn't so funny or they're, you know, that one guy is not that funny. Right. Walking to the store, everyone is funny. Yeah.

Everyone. And you don't bring your unfunny wife. No. She waits in the car. But really, how often does somebody bring a spouse? And when they do, it feels a little bit like, like there's a lot of women that bring their boyfriends to the store. And you kind of go like, you know, come on.

This is work. You bring your spouse to work. Yeah. So what do you mean, though? Go back to the money question. I just mean, do you worry about money anymore or do you feel like you're at a level? Because it sounds like you don't live beyond your means. No, it's pretty simple.

So you keep your life simple. You're making really good money right now. Do you feel, do you ever fear it's all going to go away? Do you worry about, you know, where you're going to end up, any of that stuff? Yeah, I don't really, I never really worried too much about it. Like it was always in the back of my mind, but I always kind of felt like just keep going. the thing of do what you really enjoy and are good at and the money will come. I decided I'm going to trust that. Yeah. And it has kind of panned out that way. But you definitely, I don't think

anybody and even my friends who are much richer than I am, I think everybody always carries the kind of nagging feeling like it could all go away. So, or like someone could steal from you or watching the older people in our life navigate, you know, 20 years of going from 80 to 100 and having to live, like, you need a ton of money at the end to, like, live even like a half-decent existence with like medical help. Yeah. It's scary. Right.

I mean, it's an insane system. It's gross. Right. But you need so much money. Like, you know, the way the tech is going is a good chance you're going to be around for a long time. Yes, unfortunately. I don't want that. I know it's weird. I really, I want to hit 81, 82 and just have a nice peaceful death. I want my peaceful death to be around 100. I want to, I'd like to make 100. No. Yeah. Why? Because I feel like we're athletes. Yeah. I feel like us going to

100 is going to be different than, you know, Joey over there. Yeah, Joey's, you know, Joey, Joey's going to be like a shooting star. You know, burn bright and then. But, you know, I know what you mean. You don't want to be like decrepit and stuff. But I saw this Instagram video. Do you see the one with the with the judge talking to the 100-year-old guy? No.

So great. He's a judge. This is like the second one. I don't know if they're planting these or not. Do you see it? As a judge, he was in another, like, meaningful interaction in court. So anyway, he's talking to this guy, who has got a military hat, and he takes it off, this old guy. Yeah.

And he's in pretty good shape. Like, he looks like 80. And he's 100 years old. He fought in World War II. That's what his vet hat was. He's got a tie on, and he's there for his speeding ticket. And the judge is like, well, thank you so much for your service. and how old are you and what war did you fight?

And look at it. And he's telling everybody else, look at this man. He comes to court. He's in a tie. He dressed up and he's like, how old are you? I'm 100. I was like, shot damn. Did he leave the ticket?

He's like, I'm not giving you a ticket for anything. He goes, I don't even know what your tickets. I don't even know what it's for. But you're not walking out of here with any fine. No, you hit a certain age. Like, I remember Kevin Meaney, who was my dear friend, who I know you, I know you hung out with him. Did you ski with him in Aspen or something?

No, we weren't that close. No. But he was dear friend and he lived in Toluca Lake, which is a really cool little spot in the valley. And so it's very like 1950s feeling and he's got these big old peewee Herman bikes. And so we're walking over to, you know how that place, Paddies on whatever street that is? Riverside. And there's a crosswalk and we're pushing our bikes through the crosswalk. And this guy in like a Cadillac Fleetwood.

One of those like 21-foot details, and it's from the 80s. And he comes white walls, and he's driving down the street, and we're in the crosswalk. And so we keep walking. And he was very defiant, Kevin. So he's in the crosswalk. You don't drive through the fuck crosswalk. Even though this guy is a million. He's a million years old.

And so I stop the bike. Kevin just keeps on walking right in front of them. Break lights never went on. And it rolled right over Kevin's bike, fresh to front. front tire. Oh. Kept right on going. No.

And I went, that's what you do at that age. And everybody on the patio at Paddies was fucking dying, laughing. And he just picked up the bike and rolled it over. And we had lunch. Yeah, some guy hit me who's in his, like,

late 70s. I was in my Volkswagen bug. Yeah. And it was a four-way stoplight. And our light changed. I was the first guy. And it changed. I start going.

And this guy just, old dude, just came, went around the parked cars at the red light and just teabone me. No way. Yeah. And his son came. And like we're sitting there waiting for everybody to come. No cops come in L.A. If you ever get hit.

There's no police or anything. Like someone has to be really drunk or really hurt. The cops just don't show up. And so I'm just waiting there for my wife to come and the toad. truck because it really messed up the car and the old guy's there and I see this guy's like he's out he's out to lunch you know and he just went around the cars he didn't even stop yeah yeah yeah right and his son came and was like like you could just see in the sun's face like yeah he shouldn't be driving he shouldn't be driving yeah and you know I of course was like I'm not gonna come after this old dude

but I really wanted to make sure that the son knew, like, this, he's going to kill somebody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. No, my mom, I was just down in Florida visiting my mom, and she's 82 now, and she's starting to slip a little bit. Yeah. So we get in her car, and of course, she calls me up and she goes, leaves a message. I need to lease a car, and I need your advice. So maybe two hours later, I call her back.

And she's like, I'm in, I'm at the dealership, I'm signing the papers right now. She got an 18-month lease, which is like just handing them a bucket of money. You're taking all the depreciation right up front. And so she rents this, she gets this car, and this was six months ago. So I go down and visit her, and we're driving. And I go, I go, my, the air conditioning's a little high. Can we turn it down? She goes, no, it's not high at all.

It's like, it's hot in here. It's always hot. And I'm like, you're not still menopausal. She's like, no, it's really hot. And then I realized she's had her seat warmer on since she bought the car. In Florida. It's on level three. And she didn't even realize she had one.

Of course. Oh, it's so funny. Oh, my God. Poor mama. And we went. Can she drive okay? No. No.

Nobody can drive okay in Florida. I know it sounds like a hacky bit, but people are just out to line. That guy that teabone me, it's a bunch of millions of them. Yeah. Just flying around. Don Gavin used to have a bit. He said if you're driving in Florida and the car in front of you just stops, drive around, they died.

No, they won't insure. They won't even insure people. You can't get. Really? Oh, yeah. They jack up your insurance when you get to a certain age. They're dropping all homeowners policies now. I know.

That's really scary. That's going to change a lot of. Florida's not cheap anymore. Florida is like one of the most expensive places. is to retire now. Wow, even with the tax breaks and all that? Well, there's tax breaks. The problem is like that thing happened in Miami.

Remember that building collapsed? Yeah. And so they're retrofitting all the buildings. So my mom had, she's in this huge building down in Florida. And they all had balconies. But the balconies didn't pass the inspection. Oh, my God.

They spent two years with cranes taking the balconies down. Oh. So you got to pay for that. Oh. Your maintenance fees. And that's happening to a lot of buildings are being retrofitted. Jeez.

So the monthly maintenance thing goes up. The insurance goes through the roof if you even get it. Jeez. In Miami, already, what do we in May, there's already a front page story about how hot it is already. Yeah. They're really worried about the summer. Yeah.

Where would you go? If you're semi-retired, I'm not going to let you retire. I'm going to put you in a semi-retirement. You go out, you do a gig a month, maybe. You stay in L.A.? There's a place called, It's called Leisure World. And it's in Laguna Beach, and they call it Seizure World,

because it's like a retirement place. And you go down there, and my friend already bought a place. And there's about five or six couples that are all going to buy places. It's got thousands of people that live there. They have two golf courses, pickleball, paddle tennis, tennis, archery range, woodworking shop, art studio. They have a giant media room Where like you watch all the sporting events, movie nights

Right They've got three different rec centers They each have pools and workout centers And you just get a golf cart And you just start drinking and taking edibles And you just have a text chain with your friends Archery today? No, let's play botchy

They got botchy That's amazing You know, I mean, because when you get older Yeah Do you want to live in fucking Florida And meet a bunch of new people? No. Or do you want to be with the people you love and go into your golden ears like just having a party every day and night?

Where was Sarah talking about that? Sarah was saying that comedians should do that. Oh, I think on Neil Brennan's podcast. Sarah Tiana? Silverman. Uh-huh. She said that it should be like a, we need to get like a, buy a bunch of like a joining little houses, like a little community. And make Sandler or Apatow pay for it.

Yeah. I mean, I think they have a retirement home for actors that I think SAG might be behind. Yeah, but, you know, I mean, that's okay if it's your actor friends. Yeah, it's got to be your people. Yeah. It is the thing about the people. What about, yeah, Cynthia, my wife would go back to New York. Really?

She would live in New York. You don't want to be old in that weather. I know, that's so rough. I don't want to be there now. I couldn't even go for a run today. 68 degrees. Damn. Yeah, it's rough.

I can spend more time in New York. I do like the smallness of the, there is a very simple way to live in New York. It's like, get everything done in one block. You know, it really is true. Yep. You don't have to drive. You don't cook.

You just get takeout. You eat out. Yeah, but you do break your hips on every sidewalk. My house is like in Venice and I can, a lot of my friends rent their houses out for the summer and they travel. And I think we're going to, we're going to go to South Africa. and I think we're going to go for a month and rent out the house. And like, I've found out what I can get for the house.

It's like crazy. We will get a free trip plus make money. Whoa. So if I retire, I can see renting at our house for maybe half the year. Wow. My friend does that. My good friends, they're so smart. Like, you got to be built for it.

Yeah. You know, you got to pack up your whole house and put it in the, and lock it down and you're kind of semi-moving a lot. Right. But, and they picked up and then they rent out. They have like an Airbnb in Hawaii. Then they have one in L.A. They got one in Maine.

Really? Yeah, and they rotate and they just make sure people are renting it. Wow. They don't spend any of the money. They're not putting any money at towards the mortgages. And the mortgages are getting paid off by the people that are renting it. So eventually they own the houses. And they get to live in Hawaii for a little while and they go to Maine for a little while.

And it's, it is a, if you're, if you're, into moving, there is a little bit of a thing like that. And you got to also consider there's probably going to be someone with a penis in your house. Yeah. And, you know, there's a lot of drips and things that come with that. Yes. I'm sure when you move back in, you feel a little bit skewed in your own house for a little bit. I would think so.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, your mattress has some new stains on it. Yeah. And your couch. When you stay in a house, you tend to have sex more on the couch than a, the bed. Yeah.

It's true. I don't want to do it. I had a house here when I was back and forth. I had a gig in New York. So we, one time, we would always just leave it empty. And then when we were one time,

we're like, let's rent it. It's so stupid not to. Yeah. I hated it. Right. Hated it. Yeah.

Because even like you want to buzz back and like just run into the house and get something from the attic. There's like these strange people with their feet in there in your house. Yeah. And they always complain about something. You've got to get a property manager.

because they will text you every single day with like, where's the fork thing to take pasta out of the... Here's the thing. I was renting an Airbnb last weekend. My daughter graduated from college. When? Sunday. No.

Congratulations. Thank you very much. Where'd she go? She was at Vassar. Oh, nice. Yeah. I wonder if she knew my friend. Oh, yeah?

My friend's son goes to Vassar. Initials? JG. J.G. It's a boy. Not J.S. Nope. She knows a J.S.

Jojo, I can say the first name. No. Okay. I would have heard that. Yeah. So we rented an Airbnb at the school for the weekend because we have a lot of family up there. And I was like, I don't want to just sit in a restaurant. Like, we'll have a party at the house and just with my parents and all that kind of stuff.

Anyway, I rented this Airbnb. And I don't rent a lot of them. But, you know, These are a lot of times these are homes that for whatever reason they're not living in. They're like, we've got to do something. We're not going to sell it, but let's rent it. Yeah. You know.

So the brick walkway had very loose bricks. We're like, my mother's going to break a hip on this. Or I'm going to break an ankle, you know. And inside the place, it was very cool, very like, it was 70s. It was like decorated from the 70s, Greg. It was like going back in your childhood. I love that. And it was all just still.

It wasn't like made to look that. It was that. and just hasn't been touched. So cool, like paneling and pool table in the basement. I mean, it was great. And then there were these ants. There were a lot of ants, big fat ants, which my brother-in-law is a builder. That means water.

They got a water issue. And they were all over. I didn't see him because my eyes aren't that great. It didn't bother me. So anyway, my question is, my Airbnb etiquette question is, as the owner, do you want to hear, hey, a little heads up. I'm not complaining. you got a lot of loose bricks.

Someone's going to break their leg and you got ants in there. Oh, absolutely. You'd want to know that, right? Yes, especially like, you know, as long as you still give them a good rating. Right. That's what I said. I'm going to still give you a good review. A bad rating can kill somebody's business.

Right. One bad rating and you get, like my friend rents his place out all the time. He's probably in L.A. five months a year and the rest of the time he travels and he rents at his place. Right. And he got one bad review and like it dried up for like a year. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, it's bad. Wow. Yeah. So I left a nice review, but I was like, as a homeowner, I don't, I mean, I don't know what kind of coverage you have, but one person goes down from your stupid bricks. It's going to be a problem. Right. Here's my best Airbnb.

Owen went to school in Chicago, and we went up one weekend, and we get in an Uber from the airport, and we give him the address. And so the guy we're driving down, I forget what street it is, but it's up in Wicker park and we get to the overpass of the train and the address is under it and I go well they can't be that because this is the train station and we're looking at it the address and that's it and there's a lockbox and I open at the code works and we go in and there's an elevator it's a very sleek new building and so we go up to our apartment on the third floor we walk in it's gorgeous it's like postmodern, clean.

Nice. Everything's great. And then the curtains are closed. And I go over and I open the curtain to the French doors. And I am from me to you of a guy standing on the subway platform. Like connected to the building. And the train was that far away. And it would come screaming through coming up on track six.

No. Yeah. It was so funny. And I started videotaping it. And there's a balcony. So like you'd want a balcony. So I go out on the balcony, now I can a high five somebody. And I'm videotaping it.

And this guy comes over and he starts throwing gang signs and threatening me to stop videotaping him. So I slammed the door shut and I locked it and I closed the curtains. Oh, my God. So you heard trains all night? All night. Oh, my God. I mean, it was like triple pane glass. So it wasn't that bad.

What a nightmare. But you definitely heard it. That is a nightmare. It was so bad that it was just funny and I enjoyed it. You don't want to be in the middle of it being kind of bad. You want it to be story bad. Like, I'm going to be on a podcast one day and I'm going to talk about this. They're tricky.

Yeah. Like, we rent down at the Jersey Shore. My family's had a house there forever. My grandparents had a little bungalow. During COVID, I started renting across the street. Yeah. And I'm never going back. But I go on Airbnb, the one place that was taken that I couldn't do it.

So I just started looking at other places that we could rent during this week that we're all down there, the whole family. They're so sneaky with the listings. Like, I know that island and I know what the traffic is on that main boulevard. And they're like, steps from the beach. And I'm like, hey, this one looks good. And somebody is like, I think that's, I think that's the boulevard. And like you look at it, it's like, yeah, it's that ship place right on the thing. But they make it look like this oasis.

They're showing the sunset. and sneaky. I think that RBV, what's the one? BRBO. BRBO is way better. Oh, is it? It's also less fees and less trickery.

I've had much better luck with VRBO. Trickery. Yeah. There's a lot of trickery out there. We had another place in Chicago where you walked in and it was an attic apartment. And when you walked in, you had to bend your head to get through the hallway. It was listed as a two-bedroom.

Absolutely. Two bedrooms. One, two. Living room? Nope. It was just the hallway with two bedrooms. They had like a nook that had a, it had a coffee maker. No stove. A nightmare. Yeah. What a nightmare. This place was good. The kitchen was stacked. Had everything. Really? Olive oil and spoons, that spaghetti thing. Wow. Yeah, it was really nice. It was good. We found a place in Palm Springs in Joshua Tree. Oh, nice.

I'd never been in Joshua Tree, and my wife's family lives in South Africa, so they all came out. And we went out there, and there was 14 of us. So we found the biggest house we could get in Joshua Tree. And it was, if you ever want to go out there, I got a house for you. Really? It's got huge living room, gigantic kitchen, all modern. And then it's got fireplaces. It's got one, two, three, four bedrooms in the main house.

And then there's a back house that has two more bedrooms. The back house has a pool table. It's got a sauna. It's got a yoga room. Oh, wow. And then outside there's a full botchy court. There's a 12-person hot tub, a ping pong table. It was so, it was so an outdoor fire pits with benches around them.

Jeez. And so we went out and we all took mushrooms. Nice. And it was like the greatest experience. Close to the park? No, it was probably 10, 15 minutes to get to the park. Oh, I'm not going to go. There's nothing else to do.

So you have the time to drive to the park. Yeah, neat mushrooms. Yeah, it's pretty desolate. That's amazing. Yeah. Can you do a pull-up? Oh, yeah. Yeah?

I can do seven chin-ups, and I can probably do about four pull-ups. Wow. Do you hear that? Do you have a bar? No, we don't have one here. My bar and my place is too low. You hit your head on the ceiling if you get up there. But I was shocked at how hard they were.

They got really hard. Yeah, I don't know when they made them harder. You're just pulling up that runner's body. I got to pull up the bread body. Yes. Well, how many chin-ups can you do or pull-ups? I got this, is this the pull-up? That's the chin-up.

This is the chin-up, the easier way. Yeah. I could do, I got up to the, two or three. Okay. No one's seen it, though. This is by his own account. Yeah.

He's in a competition with me. He can't do any. You can't do any? I know, but now I have the, like, resistance bands that I hang from it to to help me, and I can do three with that. You've stopped, though, haven't you? I picked it back up again, but I did. I'm, like, way worse than before.

It's so difficult. I need a proper bar. Well, my advantage is I was a pretty competitive gymnast. for about six or seven years when I was growing up. In your late 40s? In my late 40s? The balance between me literally just decided to stand out in balance. That's all you do.

But I, so I was, you know, rings I could go up. Oh, really? Yeah. You have that monkey strength. Yeah, it was all, you know, gymnastics for men, it's a lot of, you know, pulling up high bar. Right, yeah. Why is men's, why is the American men's? men's gymnastics is always so bad in the Olympics.

Because guys think it's gay to do gymnastics. It's not like the tough sport when you're growing up. Like I got a lot of shit for being a gymnast when I was in like seventh and eighth grade. That should change, right? Because now that people are nicer, they're not such. I would hope so. I would think Mel cheerleading has definitely gotten better. Right.

Yeah, it's like no one's allowed to mock you for that stuff anymore. No. And you have the best body. Gymnists have the best bodies. Swimmers and gymnasts. Male, that's the irony. The male gymnasts have great bodies and their team is shit. Yeah.

And the females are always number one and they look like lily pucians. There's no tampon dispenser in the ladies room. Yeah, and not a boob to be found. Yeah, yeah. So weird. Yeah, it really is. And then you see that the ages, I mean, Nadi Khaminiichi was like 14 years old when she won all those records. Right, right.

And at 18, they're kind of done. I know. 20 is super old for gymnastics. Simone Biles is coming back, right? Oh, yeah, she's got some legs. Yeah. I don't mean legs, legs, legs. I mean like.

Stamina. Stamina. She's still going. Yeah. She's outspoken, too. I like her. She's great. She really spoke out against all the molestation that happened and how the NCAAs didn't

protect the girls. girls from that. Oh, really? Yeah. That was a horrible story. That creepy dudes. Like, so many girls. Yeah. God. It's really bizarre. It's like any of those positions working with children, it's sad to say, but it should just be women. It is weird because you hear about women going like, well, we should be able to be in the army and all this stuff. But then you go like, all right, my kids went through preschool. There was never a male teacher. So I don't know. Maybe this is just jobs we shouldn't do.

I'm not saying women shouldn't be soldiers, but like, you know, it's not that bad of an argument that men are stronger and better at fighting. Yeah. Yeah. It's just so creepy. These dudes. Yeah. God.

I mean, there's still male gynecologists. Yeah. Not a lot. But the ones who are in it are very popular. Yes. Right? Like that infamous guy in L.L. He was like kind of good looking and everybody wanted to go to them.

Yeah. No way. Yeah. That's hilarious. Everyone would have crushes on him. Damn. I know. Do you ever have a female doctor check your testicles?

Never. I did. Always a dude. You ever have a male masseuse? Oh yeah. I mean, I prefer a female. Yeah. But male definitely can go deeper.

They're stronger. Hey, it's a family show. it's a Jeff Rossman it's not that kind of show and again I don't want people to take away from this that I said women shouldn't be in the military because there's probably a lot of great soldiers but um

you were saying it to say that there shouldn't be that many male kindergarten teachers well or that there should I mean like you know look at the right person a good person can do all the jobs but any horrific story of men being of kids being abused It's men. Until the boys start to be like 12 and 13 and then the female teachers in Florida.

Every once in a while. I mean, that's molestation. That really is. Yeah. Molestation that, yeah, that's a bad, not a high number of them. There was a movie recently about that. Oh, yeah. Right?

Zazak Alfanakis used to have a joke. He goes, did you hear about that kid who slept with his teacher just died? Yeah, he got high five to death. I had a teacher Mrs. Globerman. Yeah. She had blonde, curly hair and blue eyes and kind of a pointy nose and smoking a hot body. And she used to wear dress skirts. Uh-huh.

And she drove a Mercedes. I read Mercedes convertible. Oh, boy. And, man, I had a thing for her. High school? No, this was like seventh or eighth grade. Uh-huh. Oh, geez.

Yeah. Yeah. Did you have a teacher that you liked? No, I had one, had a very similar description. But it was like all off, like funny blonde hair and weird kind of face. Yeah. And not great, but big boobs that all the guys, that was it. That's all you needed.

A freshman year, all the guys were just like. Yeah. And there was really, it was just a, it should have been a science class. He was a Spanish teacher, but it should have been just science. This is biology. These boys are not looking at anything with this poor world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you believe breakdancing is going to be an Olympic event?

I can't believe that. It's weird. I don't think they even have wrestling anymore. And they're putting breakdancing. They got rid of wrestling? They did. I don't know if they brought it back, but they got rid of wrestling. Like Greco-Roman style wrestling?

Yeah, like, is MMA an Olympic sport? No. See, that's crazy. Right. That's like, and I'm not an MMA. guy, but I respect that that is kind of the ultimate sport in terms of immediate stakes and just primal ability to survive and hurt. Yeah, that's a good one.

I wonder if it's too violent, if they haven't warmed up to it. If they're putting break dancing in, well, boxing is where their heads at. Yeah. I mean, some people would argue that boxing has done more damage to people than, uh, than MMA. Right. Because you absorb more blows. There's more punches to the face with boxing. That pause at the end of your comment was two guys that really don't know that much about it.

Well, isn't Joe fact-checking everything as we go? Yeah, you guys have only been factually accurate with everything you've said so far on this podcast. So we're in decent shape. See, he relaxed. Yeah. He was like, these guys got it. On my podcast, Sunday Papers, we do a correction. We start the show with corrections people sent in for the week before.

That's great. And it's long. Is it? Yeah, yeah. There's always like four or five. I love your clips from that podcast. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, I really look forward to seeing them.

Yeah, that's a fun one. Yeah. That's a fun one to do. What's great is that I don't have to book a guest, which is really, as you know, like a lot of labor. Yeah. And so it's nice to show up like you do with Fortune because do you even book the guests on that show or is it done by the show.

The show. They tell me the night before like so-and-so's coming in. Amazing. Yeah. This one we book more, but I have helped now booking it. How often do you watch if someone has a one-hour special? Do you get a chance to watch? Almost all of them.

Not all the way through, but I don't like showing up without having seen some of it. What are some of the specials you've seen recently that stand out to you? Did you see Atel's? Atele's was good. So funny. So good. Dusty Slay. Yeah.

This was really fun. Sarah Silverman. Oh, I didn't see that. It was really good. Yeah. Just kind of sailed through. Beth Stellings was really good. Okay.

Really strong. Who else? Yeah, those are the ones off the top of my head. As, as Louie, Louise are all behind a paywall, so I actually haven't, no, I saw, I don't know if he's had one since, but about a year ago he had a special come out that was as good as any he's ever done. Yeah. Someone told me he retired.

No. Really? He said he wasn't doing stand-up anymore. So he basically went from completely canceled, back to Madison Square Garden, and then spikes the microphone. I guess so. Wow.

But again, you know, retirement. Nobody stays retired. Yeah, yeah. I know so many cases. Jeff Garland retired. Bobby Collins retired. And then you see their face up in a club again. Yeah.

I know. Yeah, it's a little bit of, it's just more fun. Like, I remember as a young comic walking through Las Vegas, I was there to do this, one of those horrible, like, week-long gigs. You know, you got to do two shows at night for seven days in a row. But I remember walking out of the show, like after having a good show out of the club and walking through the casino and seeing all these people like big drinks and, you know, necklaces made of condoms and people at slot machines and dice and I'm like they're all chasing

something that I just got for my job you get paid for yeah yeah it really struck me like that was the rush right that was the rush you mainlined excitement and joy and conquering a feeling of conquer that's what they're looking for in the casino yeah they're trying to beat the house right And you just did. And then you walk off after a bad show in the beginning of your career in Las Vegas. And you walk through there and it's a long day. Yeah. Until the next show and where you can recover.

But that next show is always a great one. I find that when I bomb the next show, I come back with a vengeance. Because it hurt. And I don't want it to hurt again. It's been amazing no matter how long you've been doing it. The driving force between going before you go on stage, I don't care how successful. you are. Maybe some people don't feel this at all, but there's a little tinge of fear. Oh, yeah. Because people don't understand. Bombing doesn't get less painful after all these years.

It still is a moment where you're standing there questioning whether you are funny. It's really true. Yeah. I had one recently. It was like a corporate private thing. Yeah. And, oof, they did not ask for comedy. They put these 80-year-old Jewish families in this tiny room. They're there to celebrate this guy. And the Booker was like, but we got this guy for you. They had no idea who I was.

And when I did crowd work, I got kind of okay, but any of my jokes were just, and yeah, 30 years in, you're going back to your room, like, I don't know. Did something happen? Did I lose it?

What happened? It really is weird. I mean, everything was stacked against me, 100%. But still, you carry like, maybe that joke isn't so great. Yeah. It's so weird.

Yeah. And you, I think you can, if somebody's not a comedian, here's what comes in the ballpark of that feeling. You and the woman you love, maybe it's your wife, who you have gone all in on, you have a fight that's so bad that you're thinking she's going to leave you. That's how it feels. Right. Every time.

Yeah. That's a great description. And that's why when people ask you in interviews, like, do you get nervous? You say no, because it's not the nervous they're talking about. Right. It's different. Yeah. It's a different kind of, uh, different kind of thing.

Yeah. I'm not nervous, but there is a little bit of a, you know, you're walking in front of people. Yeah. I'm going to stand up there like a dingbat. I bombed a couple weeks ago at the, uh, comedy store. And I just remember the last line I said on stage was, okay, tonight, you guys won. and then I walk off and Adam Eaget is in the back, the guy that books Joe's club,

he used to book the store. And I walk up to him and he holds his cell phone up to my ear. And it just plays. Oh, it's the best. The best. It's kind of poignant to bomb. It really does bring you back to your baseline. There's something very honest about bombing.

And there's nothing better than he. I do not, as much as I adore you, I don't want to hear about a show that went great. Yeah. But I want to hear that story. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All day long. Right, right, right, right. It's just so funny.

No, it's like, ah, you had one. Yeah. Yeah. It's like that joke where the guys, two comedians run into each other. And he goes, so what's going on? He goes, oh, my God. I just did the Tonight Show. I got a standing ovation, got signed by an agency.

I got a development deal with CBS. I just got invited to the Montreal Comedy Festival. I'm going to be one of the big names on the poster. And he goes, that's amazing. Really, that's great. Good for you. Anything else going on? He's like, I didn't hear about any of that stuff.

That's so great. Anything else going? He goes, yeah, I just did this gig in Anchorage. It's like 50 people and I got my ass handed to me. He's like, yeah, I heard about that. Now, in that joke, just to be a little in the weeds, is that punchline he really did hear about it or he's bringing you down a peg? No, people only talk about when somebody bombs.

Right. No, he honestly heard about that gig and didn't hear the other stuff. Oh, it's so great. So are you going to need a new knee? No. I think he said it might be a slightly torn meniscus. Oh, boy. So I think it just takes a while.

Because we did walk away from the 5K saying maybe we should do more of these. Yeah, no, I don't think it's going to take long. I think once it warms up and you're ready to run again, I'm totally down. Yeah, you're right. But pick a thing that we like to support maybe. Like, you know. That's a good idea.

Some like good charity or something. Yeah. I work with best buddies a lot, which helps people with intellectual disabilities. And I throw benefits for them and I volunteer and it's a great cause. It helps people with disabilities to move out into independent housing. Oh, that's great. where they have people that work for best buddies stop in a couple days a week, make sure they're shopping, make sure everything's beginning more,

and they set up internships and actual jobs for them. Nationwide? International. Oh, really? It was started by Patrick Shriver, who's Maria Shriver's brother. And he started it while he was at Georgetown. And he just, it's kind of like, you know, Maria does Special Olympics. Right.

Their father, Sergeant Shriver, created Special Olympics. And so Patrick started this and it's just, I mean, you go to Des Moines, Iowa, and the high school will have a program with Best Buddies. That's great. Well, that's really cool. I always wanted to volunteer for Special Olympics. Yeah. But I'm always on the road, like when they roll through L.A.

Being around people with that disability, it's like, it's so heartwarming. Everybody thinks, oh, I'm going to be uncomfortable. It's within 30 seconds, it's pure joy. joy. There is no filter. There's no, I don't know how to describe it, but I just find I get very energized when I, like, we'll go bowling. We'll take a group of people to go bowling. And, you know, and they, and there's savants. One guy will tell you about the stats for every running back in the NFL. And another one will talk about Marvel. And they get very into one thing. Right, right. And, and they're so loving. And they always remember me. I get big hugs. I get Christmas cards from some

of them. Wow. That's nice. Well, that sounds great. So I guess I'll do the 5K by myself. All right. Well, this was a very fun podcast. Thank you for coming all the way. Thank you for having me. Enjoy the bread.

Oh, I also brought you a gift. This is for my friend Anthony. This isn't an ad or anything. He just, he's a great, he's a sommelier and a food guy out of New York. And he developed this product called Super Salt. And it's, he added like garlic and herbs to salt. Really? It's so good to cook.

Like a rub? Yeah. No, or just like sprinkle it on salads or any of your thing. If you just want a little bit of a flavor with your salt. Product of Italy. Yeah. I love it.

Yeah. Okay. It's a, and he sent me way too much because that'll last you like a year. Right? I love it. Yeah. That's good stuff.

You're the best. Can I plug a date? Yes, please. Do you guys do that on the show? Yeah, we do. Okay. I'm going to be at the Emmeline Theater and Mamarinic, New York on May, May 31st.

May 31st. Yep. And then I will be at the Grand Comedy Club in Escondido on June 7th and 8th. Tickets at Fitzdog.com. Beautiful. And then the podcast are Fitzdog Radio and Sunday Papers and Childish. And follow it all on Instagram too because there's funny clips about all of those projects. You're the best.

Love you. Thanks for having me on. Got it, Joey. Is that how you went? Got it, Joey? Yeah, good. I like when people have a final thing.