Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 220 - Hannah Berner

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

Hannah Berner of Giggly Squad fame joins the table and has a new special on Netflix, ‘We Ride at Dawn.’ They start with how they met, at a Netflix golf event. Tom asks Hannah who cooked for her, and they get into the forbidden Italian romance her parents had. Tom shares a story about his aunt’s sauce going bad, and then a nightmare incident at a hotel after his last show. Hannah guides Tom through how to clean up hotel crime scenes and how she likes to spend her time post-show. They question what’s wrong with LA food, and how certain vegan restaurants try to trick you. Tom describes what it was like bringing a vegetarian home to his Italian family, and how he was a vegetarian at one point. They talk about convincing your partner’s parents to like you in general. Tom consults Hannah’s advice for handling mean girls and how to get revenge on Instagram and social media. Hannah asks Tom about family, and they get into what having kids was like. Lastly they get into the trend of run clubs, and waiting in lines. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- About Hannah: Hannah Berner was born in Brooklyn, New York and emerged on the comedy scene by writing, directing, editing, and acting in videos on social media and writing viral tweets. She has two podcasts, Giggly Squad and Berner Phone with over 50 million downloads. She was a cohost on Bravo’s Chat Room, as well as a member of Bravo’s Summer House for three seasons, and has over 4 million followers across her social media platforms. She has interviewed Jennifer Lawrence, Hailey Bieber, Priyanka Chopra, Kesha, and the Jonas Brothers. She currently is on a theater tour across America for her stand up comedy. In 2022, she was named one of Just For Laughs “New Faces Of Comedy" in Montreal. She was recently named one of Variety’s “Top Ten Comics to Watch in 2023”. About Tom: Tom Papa, a celebrated stand-up comedian with over 20 years in the industry, has made significant strides in film, television, radio, podcasts, and live performances. Notably, he's a regular on "The Joe Rogan Experience" and various late-night TV shows. Papa's literary skills are evident in his books “We’re All In This Together” and "You’re Doing Great!: And Other Reasons To Stay Alive," a collection of essays, and "Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas," a comedic look at family life. His latest stand-up specials are “Tom Papa: What A Day!” and "Tom Papa: You’re Doing Great!" on Netflix. Beyond comedy, Papa's engagements extend to hosting "What A Joke With Papa And Fortune" on SiriusXM and appearing on NPR's "Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me." His love for baking led to hosting the Food Network series "Baked." As an actor, he's worked with notable figures like Rob Zombie and Steven Soderbergh and has appeared in several films and TV shows, including the HBO film "Behind the Candelabra." Additionally, Papa has contributed as a writer to projects like "Bee Movie" and various TV series. Residing in Los Angeles with his family, Papa continues to balance his professional life with personal interests like baking. Get in touch with or go see Tom live on stage! Radio, Podcasts and more: https://linktr.ee/tompapa/ Website - http://tompapa.com/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/tompapa Twitter - https://www.twitter.com/tompapa Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/comediantompapa #TomPapa #breakingbreadwithTomPapa Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Now we're old. Thank you so much for doing this. No, thank you so much for having me. I have gigglers all around my world. They infiltrated your life. What's going on? Yeah, they're huge fans. They just love you to death.

Oh, my God. And they're very excited that we finally got to sit down. That makes me so happy. Also, I'm so honored to go on. I'm a fan of yours. And we got to meet for a second during the golf charity event. And I was like, now me and Tom are besties. That's how I felt.

I immediately was like, oh, yeah, we're going to be friends. It was like two seconds on a putting green. No, yeah, I felt safe in your vicinity. I was scared, and then I saw you guys podcasting. And I'm like, they seem nice. Yeah, they're not just mean golf people. You did a good job with interviews. at that golf thing.

Oh my God, thank you. You have to talk to Kat, which was very cool. Well, it was crazy because I showed up to this event, and they were like, we don't know if you'll get any interviews. They're like, just stand there, look pleasant, and we'll see if anyone will stop by. And I'm like, fucking around with Rory Scoville, who I love. And then they're like, Cat Williams is ready to talk.

And I was like, what? And we had to kick out Rory, which was my nightmare. I was like, Rory, I love you. I'm so sorry. And then Kat Williams was like, what's going on over here? I could do 10% Cat Williams. what we're talking about.

So that was amazing. And I was like, after that interview, I was like, game over, I'm retiring. Yeah. And then Will Ferrell came in. And then I was like, okay, now I'm retiring. I'm just trying to retire. It was great.

Thank you. I know. It would be nice to retire, wouldn't it? All right, so if we were in L.A. where you're headed tomorrow and I'm headed tomorrow. Yeah. We could put them as a JFK. Yeah.

So anyway, I get from Vesuvio Bakery. You can leave this for your husband, I guess. Or you can be that in the car ride home. We'll see. I would have baked you bread, but now that we're in New York, you get that. I appreciate that. Thank you. I'm half Italian, so it is my love language. Yes.

Yes. Maybe that's why we like it. And then I didn't know which flavor you'd like, but I figured you probably would like a Fanta today because it's 100 degrees here. The only thing that quenches my thirst is a Wanafanta, don't you want to? Are they still doing those ads or were they like canceled the Fanta ads? Yeah, I think they probably have been. They were like, nope.

They didn't stand the test of time. But I feel like they didn't come up with a new slogan. Now they're just Fanta. Anyway, I'm not judging. To be truthful, I didn't even know they were still a brand. Where did you find these? That's why I bought them. I think this is this bodega had them from 1965.

True. In the back. And they're like, it's hot out. We'll drink anything. It's time to move the Fanta. I do think there's two types of people in the heat, the ones that want to be scorched by like the seltzer. Yeah.

Or the ones that want to smooth water. Yeah. And it's either or. I know. Well, you don't have to drink them. I appreciate it. I will throughout. The air conditioning just turned off, so I'll be slurping it later. Who was the cook then in your Italian family? What side was the Italian?

So my mom's side is Sicilian. That's what we are. Part of it. Yes, her mom is Sicilian and her dad is from Naples. That's what our combo is. Shut up. Are we related? I think so. Probably. Yeah. But when they went to, they came to Brooklyn, as they do.

and why they all did. And then it was like a thing, like, oh, the guy from Naples likes the girl from Sicily. Right. Because, you know, everyone wants to hate each other. Yeah, it's like West Side story that no one understands. Yeah, everyone looks the same. Everyone looks the same.

They're like, why don't they like each other? It's like the Irish wars. You're like, what? Anyway, so everyone's confused. But they got married and then they've just, yeah, food has always been part of the culture, just eating and laughing. So was your mom a good cook?

You know, she's the like healthy version of my nana. If you want the real shit, you want the like, there's cocaine in it or something, you go to Nana. Like her eggplant parmesan, there's shit in it that I don't think is legal. Like it's just, it tastes too good. And then my mom will be like, well, if you don't want to die of a heart attack, I made this light, you know, mozzarella, basil pasta. And I'm like, I don't want this bullshit.

Yeah. I want to clog my artery. Yeah, if we're going, we're going all the way. Yeah. And I also lie to myself that if it's made with love, like, it's not unhealthy. I think there's truth to that. How could that be bad for you? Yeah, because I don't think, well, no, it's probably not right.

I'm just, I was going to say, because, yeah, my grandmother. I can't support you. My grandmother cooked for all of my aunts and uncles who now all have heart problems. And then also, you're supposed to stop when you're full, which is not okay. Yeah. And that's definitely not healthy when they're like, you're not going to finish the pasta. You don't like my mom. and you're like, no, I'm going to throw up.

And it just keeps coming. One time I, my one grandmother wasn't a great cook. She was Italian, too, the Naples one. Oh. And, uh, was it known she wasn't a good cook? Yeah, she wasn't like great. Did she know? She married my grandfather, that grandfather was German.

So they made a lot of like little pot roasts and like little things. And the Italian, it was like, she was one of like 200 kids in Jersey City. Yeah. So it wasn't the like learning the cook. time for her when she was little it was just like you know get this cat off of my bed and people so anyway i loved her to death but she wasn't a great cook and one time she made tomato sauce and there was something wrong with it and i was a boy and i was going to get gross and then i went to do i went home and i threw up in the sink in my bathroom and you know the drain for the sink

is like the size of a quarter of course so i just had that red sauce in there so whatever I didn't love her cooking to begin with. And then from that point on, every time I walked in the house, I smelled that sauce. I was like, oh, no. You could have ruined tomato sauce forever for you. Until I went to the other house. Oh, and she did it right. The sauce. The sauce. The gravy or whatever they want to call it.

We were sauce people. Yeah, I was sauce people too. I would have judged you if you said gravy. No, I don't like the gravy people. No, it's not gravy. It's not gravy. Don't you all realize something, someone's, did something wrong in calling it gravy once. It's sauce. I don't support it.

Yeah. There's no, there's no label in the supermarket of pre-made. Never heard. Tomato product that says, well, if it's rio's gravy. Yeah,

if it's rio's great, then what is gravy then? It can't be both. Yeah, you're right. We got to pick a lane. Yeah. Which was what my mother's, my grandfather's was.

This has gotten so gross. It's so disgusting. Oh, I had something disgusting. I thought I would ask you, Oh, yeah. See how you would have handled this. You seem like you know stuff, but nobody needs to know. Actually, yeah, I was like, I don't know things, but I do know things that are stupid.

I'm the worst in trivia, but like a random thing, I'm like, gotcha. Yeah, I'm sure you've had it. I don't know what wars. It's quite of me that happened to you. Oh, God. Okay, so last night, I'm here in New York. I finished my shows and I went back to my hotel. And it was like the final show of like a long run.

So I'm like, I can get myself a little treat on the way. home. This will be nice. And I saw a chocolate milk made from silk, the almond people. The almond milk people. They have a chocolate. Big almond milk. Yeah, big almond milk. So I was like, oh, that'll be cool. I'll get the chocolate almond milk. That seems like a Yoohoo adjacent thing. Like, maybe it's fun. I don't know. So anyway, I bring it back and some nutter butters. And I'm in bed eating them and watching a Hitler documentary.

You're wild. It was a big night. It was a big night. It's actually a dream night for me. It was a really big night. I was celebrating. And the, I didn't realize until this morning that, well, there's the, the chocolate milk tipped over on the end table.

And I thought it was just a little on top. And I thought I had cleaned it this morning when I'm gathering things. I realized, oh, there's a bunch down low. So without thinking, I took the face cloth, the washcloth, and went over. and did the chocolate milk. And I was immediately horrified because now I have a washcloth covered in brown something.

What is the housekeeper going to think I've done? This might be time for a personal note. Because you go two ways. You can either go, look, let her think I went. I was freaky last night. Things got crazy. I send her a nice polite handwritten note where you're like, hello.

Things went awry with my chocolate. Chocolate McGlaznight, I swear. But it is funny, you judge, like, what did they think could have possibly happened in this room? As soon as I did it, I was like, oh, this is, I'm sure these poor, I'm very conscious of the housekeeper's burden. And I can only imagine there's plenty of washcloths that the housekeeper, someone wipes their ass with it, and then they're putting it into the, you know what I mean?

And I want to make their life easy. I clean before I leave. I try and, like, I really, I tend. tip. I don't want, I'm very conscious of these poor people work in their asses off. I'm just laughing if you did leave a post that says like, I swear it's just chocolate smiley face. Is that creepier? Totally. That's not. That's like you're trying to trick her or something.

Yeah. And we're assuming she reads my handwriting and English. And it's the note I don't, I don't know. You could just put it in the garbage. I try. Well, then I thought, I thought that. But then she's going to be like, why did he throw that out? This is all her judge. Never met. No.

But she's going to judge whatever move I make. She's going to be disappointed in you regardless. This animal took a shit in the washcloth and threw it in the garbage. Like, I wasn't going to clean the garbage out also. It's funny that you mentioned this after the Hitler documentary because I love watching fucked up documentaries at night. Yeah. Because it makes you feel like your day could have been worse.

Like it gives you perspective in life. Yeah. So like the fact that you watch the Hillary. documentary and you're like you know what's worse than this the fact my housekeeper thinks this is a poop stain on this so i think you need to get your priorities right i was like yeah yeah yeah crystal nagged all right i get it i know there was a lot of suffering but you thought you didn't know what was happening in the world put a hundred in it just roll it up with a hundred dollar from here's what here's my move okay uh first of all would you have been in this turmoil

if if i'm i'm a messy person in general i'm a creative as they say like i've once spilled syrup by the bed and then i just put a paper towel on it and then it just stayed there for weeks so like i'm not a domesticated goddess by any means so i don't judge people right i also when you're in hotels like it's chaos like the fact that i don't leave the bedroom with food it because i'm no one's eating at the desk facing the wall in hotel room that's dark yeah with the tv above you like you're eating in bed you're spilling a little but we're trying our best here yeah so i don't judge yeah and i i would have just stored it like in those deep memories that i don't want to look back at and pretend it didn't happen just walked out went to the elevator worried about the next thing happening

in my life. Move on to the next menial stress that I need to obsess over. All right, that's good to know. I can't get there. Sometimes if you come up with another problem, you forget about the previous problem. And this is not hard-hitting advice

that anyone should follow. Yeah. You want to know what I did? What did you do? I first tried to wash it out of the washcloth. Okay. Which made it worse. Yeah, it's smudging.

It's smudging and it's lighter. And now it seems more like it was in someone's ass. Before it was like, oh, come on. It's giving douche. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So then I took it and wrapped it in the other towels and the bath mat and put the big lump there. So she just had to pick them up and throw them in. That's smart. She's not. I highly, there's no way she's taking them all apart and, like, separating them. She's taking that load and throwing it in the bin. Unless if this is something people do often,

she goes, what's this guy trying to hide? And that's her thing. She's like, let's get to the bottom of this pile. Yeah, maybe she's like, I would just do that, but by the time I found the $100 billion. I found those AirPods. I also try to tell myself that, like, whatever mess up thing happened in my room, there's been way worse things that they've seen.

100%. It's like, I don't know if you would agree, but have you ever gotten like a pedicure? No. Okay, we'll do it one day. You go to get a pedicure. And you're like, oh, I have some hair on my knuckles. And I haven't shaved and like, I used to play tennis,

so my feet are kind of messed up. And you're saying all this stuff and they're like, don't worry about it. We've seen way worse. And you're like, oh. So I try to tell myself that the world's a big place. It is a big place. So like, they've seen dead bodies and I'm dead.

rooms. Ah, really? I'm whispering. In my hotel room? In that specific hotel room as possible. Because they're not going to tell you. No, they won't tell you. Look how dark this pot just got. I know. That's a big Vegas stat. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Because there's no like legal ease that's like you have to say this room had a dead guy. I learned it. Or girl. Yeah. I learned it probably guy. I learned it when I was in Vegas in the early part of my career and they were calling

and I just never picked up and I'm not gonna deal with the outside world and I just didn't pick up repeatedly and then they thought I was checking out and it was in the early afternoon and they then came to the door and it was like

two people from the hotel and a couple cops and all just like and I was like hey he's alive You're like, I'm just slightly depressed. Yeah, I just, I've just done too many shows. I've been here too long. That is so true, because I feel like there's some comics who will be like,

you ever like leave and like you go from having so many people around you and all this laughter to being like so alone in your hotel room. And I'm like, that's the fucking point. That's the best part when the door closes. You're just like, oh, I could blow. Like I can not be funny. I can just. So great.

Oh, my, I love it. I love hotel rooms. Clean sheets. Nobody there. Oh my gosh. And you've finished early enough where you have a good three hours before your other party brain says it's time to sleep. Yeah, you get to watch Beat Bobby Flee. Make it in a fray.

I'm like watching HGTV like with just judging people's tabletops. I'm like, really the marble? Are you fucking kidding me? It's probably the most peaceful I ever am is those three hours after the show. It's heaven. You're not worried about the next show. Heaven. You know you have a flight coming up, but like, we'll deal with that.

Who cares, right? That's tomorrow. I literally had that last night. I finished this gig, as I said, and I was like, I called several people, and I was like, I called Ronnie Chang, and I was like, cigar. We've been trying to hook up at Soho Cigar Bar. And he was like, can't tonight. It was like, okay, Dave Hill, wings at Broom Street, on my way to Ohio.

Ryan Hamilton, I'm in Hawaii. And it's as all as I'm getting closer to the hotel. I'm like, all right, I guess it's just not. And then I checked the line up at the cellar. I'm like, nah. So then I went to the bodega, got my chocolate milk and my nutter butters. And when I walked into that room, I was like, none of those other options would have been as much fun as what I'm feeling right in this moment.

No, no, no. My friend and I, we go on tour together, and I feel like people think, like, going on tour is this glamorous thing, like, we party after and stuff. We'll be in the meet-in-greet ordering Uber Eats. So we've kind of figured it out where we get back to the hotel right when the McDonald's guy is coming. And then we just in silence eat the French fries. And then we just simmer down. It's really like, I feel like I'm definitely like 150 or like I'm nothing.

But I feel like some comics are good at like having more of a balance. But I'm like, I'm going to give you my heart, my soul on stage. And then I've nothing left to give anyone else in my life. I never understand people who say, musicians too. Yeah. Like when you can't just go back to the room and go to sleep. Because you're all wound up.

Try me. You're all wound up. I always say if there was a mattress on the side of the stage, I could just crawl onto it and sleep as everyone's leaving the theater. Two show nights, which like, they're fucking hard. Because emotionally it's like running two marathons, you know? And then there's always a moment in the groomroom in between shows where I'm sitting on the couch. I'll lay on the couch. I don't have any cooth or anything. So I'll be lying

there, my legs up. And you're like, if I just close my eyes, what would happen? But the adrenaline always gets you back. But I do also think, like, in the day to day, you have to, like, treat yourself a little bit like an athlete. Like, you have to, you have to hydrate to get sleep in. Or I'll be a little cranky monster. I'm like, you like my junk. Yeah. My second show the other night, I was like, I was like, I should have eaten in between. What did I do? I broke my routine. I should have at least had a protein bar or something.

I was like, I just a couple nuts. I feel good. And in the middle of the side, I was like, I'm going to go home. Well, I feel like it's comedy culture to kind of be like, we're just so effortlessly hilarious and charismatic. But I'm like, I do need, you know, my little banana. And I get gatorated in my room. Like I'm a fucking athlete.

I need gatorade. I need everyone to shut up. So, but we have, everyone has their own stuff. but no one, like, I wish, like, people would guide us a little more in terms of, like, these are the best snacks. Like, my writers just, like, chaos. Yeah. Like, of how to be, like, the best performer.

But there's just so many things that could go wrong. That don't matter about the banana. It's like, be funny first and then worry about the banana. Yeah. I literally, I literally, all I can think about is what I'm going to do as soon as this is over. Like, where are we going to get? get the treat. It's all about the treat. It's all about the little treat to reward yourself.

But it's true. Your brain is buzzing, but your body's done. Oh, 100%. And I'm not a big drinker on the road, so I'm like, I'm going to lay down and I'm going to eat while watching cable TV. When I'm trying to break my habit of, I'm taking the orange because you don't want it.

Thank you. I'm I like coffee before I go on, but then it wrecks my sleep at the end. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So I think I'm going to do Coke. Some people like Diet Coke. Some people like a Red Bull if they're feeling like bashing their head through a wall.

Show business used to run on cocaine. And now I'm getting, now I understand why. What happened? I think a lot of people died. In hotel rooms. But they got shit done. And I'll have coffee and be like, this isn't, it's not good enough to really make me feel great on stage. Yeah.

And it just lags and then screws up my sleep. Yeah. So, yeah. Cocaine. We'd like to thank the good people at Quince for sponsoring today's program. If you spend a lot of time cooking at home, it's time to elevate your game. When your cookware actually feels good to use and is thoughtfully made and looks beautiful on your counter, it just makes the whole experience better.

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for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash Papa. Like the greats were great for a fucking reason. I guess it's just a bunch of sheepish comics left, scared to do the real stuff. My friend, the great Colin Quinn, told me the other day that, because I've been putting feelers out about cocaine. This is an ongoing discussion.

The problem with, he said when you look at all those guys, like in the 80s and stuff, and they were making all these movies, because that's why all the movies started to suffer because the Coke fucked up everybody's timing. Oh, because they were too, like, quick and frenetic. You think about, like, they all had, like, these great first movies, and then everyone's like, what's the next one? Oh, this one's kind of weird. Everyone was on Coke.

And if everyone's Coke, there's no one to be like, let's have a beat. That was funny. Yeah, that was funny. That was funny. I have a random Colin Quinn fact. My dad grew up with Colin Quinn in Park Slope. No. And Colin's brother was the best man at my dad's wedding.

No way. So when I first got into comedy to get respect, I'd be like, yeah, my dad and Colin are like besties, you know? Really? So did Colin go to the wedding? So Colin was not at the wedding. I think Dave, Colin, I don't know what he was up to. That's a real rift. He's always, yeah, so there's issues with the friendship.

It's up and down. But yeah, they just have all the funny stories of, like, playing basketball, but, like, Colin was like, he was the funny one. He'd make everyone watch SNL. And they'd go watch him, like, bomb in Times Square. Yeah. So they had all these stories about him, so it's crazy. That's amazing. And I was just, like, yeah, he just knew me as, like, the young, I was a tennis player growing up.

And so then to be, like, see him at the cellar is the craziest thing. That's so cool. It's a crazy full circle moment. Yeah, that's amazing. He's so old. I was walking with him through Soho the other day, and he was pointing out, like, all of that Spring Street, he said, this was all, as late as the 80s, this was all just Italians out of their apartments sitting outside, getting off. He goes, all of these places were just tiny little shitty apartments, and all the Italians were just, you know, now little Italy is that one street. Mulberry Street.

Just two gelato places. Yeah. It's crazy. I know. But I love the humor of like the Irish and the Italians in that grew up in the tri-state area. Like it's a special, I think that's why we bonded. Yeah, yeah, immediately.

We sniffed each other out. I was like, is that eggplant parmesan? Yeah, it's like when my kids would see their cousins that they hadn't seen in like a year and they were just back immediately. Yeah. Last night when I was walking home thinking about the nutter butters. Before the nutter butter, I kind of settled. for the nutter, but I suppose like, wow, canoli would be so perfect right now.

There's nowhere to get it unless I went to a restaurant. Yeah. Do they have decent canoes in L.A.? No. I'm sorry. Big problem. I'm sorry. Big problem.

You don't deserve that kind of treatment. Thank you. I'm saying that to everybody. The problem is the shell. Oh. They all. The water? New Yorkers love blaming the water.

They're like, the water is not the same. Right. The water is not the same over there. I know. And I have this good friend Vito who has Vito's pizza. Oh, he sounds great. He's from New Jersey. He's just a meatball.

And he makes the greatest pizza, like regular pizza. And it's not the water. You just have to know what you're doing. I like to open the water for everything. But the egg rolls invariably, I think because maybe they supply, maybe somebody supplies all of them, they're like egg roll consistency. Oh. It's like instead of the canoly shell, it's this egg.

roll kind of light. It's not right. So it's healthy. Probably. It's vegan. Yeah. This is the thing about LA. There will be vegan places that don't say they're vegan. And that's a problem. They do? I've definitely gone to get breakfast before and like I order the eggs and I'm like, that's not. And no one's saying anything. No one's acknowledging it because it's just like, this is normal.

Where I'm like, oh, this is my, yeah, I'll flip a table. Are you vegan? No. I joke. I mean, I understand the, you know, behind it, but I do feel like my Italian ancestors would roll in their graves. If they're like, you're not eating the veal man a goat. When I brought my now wife home for the first time and she was vegan or vegetarian, it was like I stabbed my mother in the heart. You're not going to have the sauce? You're not going to, what? And then the second she starts asking questions, like, oh, is there this and this? You're like, oh, no, no, no, no.

I was like, oh, yeah. This is going to end. You don't ask her what's in it. She doesn't even know what's in it. And then God bless her. My mother was like, I'll just skim the sauce. The curdles. I won't put the meat in it.

I'll just get the tomato sauce without the meat. It's been cooking for hours and pork and ground beef. I'll just skim the top and that'll. And then my head, she was like, I can't eat that. Not only she's a vegan, she's a pain in the ass. How did their relationship overcome that? Well, when we met, I had quit me for a... Oh, so you were going through a stage.

I was going through a stage. And she says I married her under false pretenses because she thought she was getting someone who didn't eat that stuff. And then two things really broke me. The first was I went to Yankee Stadium. And I was like... You need a foot long? I have to get a hot dog.

I don't know what the rules are. I love a hot talk is like the grossest meat. The most disgusting. It doesn't. It tastes great though. I don't believe that there's like rat butt holes in it. I don't know. And if, well, if there are, they should be selling rat butt holes on their own because it's pretty damn.

I'll snort it. It's so good. So that broke. So that broke you because you were supporting a team. I was like an alcoholic who had a drink and didn't. Yeah. filled the shame and didn't say anything for a while. Oh, because of the one hot dog.

I was like, I was probably two, but I was like, I can't believe. Yeah, because you actually can't, you can't just have one hot dog. I did it so fast. So, like, like, the way an alcoholic would just be like, for 15 years, I was just like, blump. It was con. And then walking into Italian delis with the provolone and the pepperoni and all the stuff hanging the prosciuta.

And I was just like, I can't swear this off. Did you stop eating meat because you liked her? No, right before I met her. Okay, so it wasn't really a scam. It was not a scam at all. I was really feeling it. It was one night and the next morning. I had buffalo wings and I was eating the wing and it broke in my mouth.

The bone broke and the vein was still connecting the two sides. but the thing, but the bone was splintering. So you were stabbed. You were assaulted. I was like, I was. I've been shot. And then I went to, I was living on the Upper East Side and then I walked up on like third. And outside of a Chinese restaurant on a hot day like today, there was stacks of boxes of chicken that had been unloaded from the truck and hadn't been put into the restaurant yet.

They're just sitting on the sidewalk. bleeding through the cardboard onto the universe was sending you signs yeah I was like I didn't think I would not do this for a while I feel like everyone has that moment where the chicken tastes too much like chicken like feathers and stuff yeah it just hits you it's like that's that's the chicken is chickening yeah like when you hit hit a yeah weird like I don't know what it is in the chicken and you remember it's a chicken yeah it's another thing like just like with the towel like I

I try to just, I'd put it away. I'd pretend it didn't happen. Did you ever stop eating me to for a beat? Never. Never. Never. Out of you. Thank you.

Thank you. I mean, I feel like I could see myself. If someone really persuaded me and tried, like I, I'm the kind of person. Like, I'll join a cult. Like, if you give me enough reasons, like, I'll give it a try. Whoever talks to you last. Yeah. Literally.

Exactly. Yeah. I want everyone to like me, so I'm like, that sounds like, yeah. I'm down, I'm down. It's funny because I actually dated in college. I dated this guy, no, not college, high school. I dated this guy from Queens who was Muslim. And he was very, like, hid me from his parents.

They're like, they can't find out that I'm like with this white girl. It was kind of naughty. And then I remember finally he introduced me to his mom and he was so nervous. We sat down and she like gave me some curry. And one thing about me is I can eat. That's why I said yes to this podcast. I said, this is right for me. And I like scarf down this curry.

I'm like, this is the best thing ever. She loved me. Like, she just was like, oh, the white girl who, like, loves eating curry. Yeah. And I was like, this food's amazing. Because it was so good and so authentic. And then he was like, why was I worried for no reason she was going to hate you? Even though I am, you know, against his entire culture or whatever they were afraid of.

So food does bring people together is the moral story. 100%. And that's why it took years for my parents to fall in love with my wife. You know, I was going to say, how did they over? come that dark experience. She was just charming and then we just, and she wasn't the only outlier. Like there was... There had to be someone worse.

There was some other people, you know, my sister's friends were like hippies and it was just, but it was kind of just starting. Like it was, it really is remarkable how how being a vegan now is so much easier. Yeah.

And we started dating in like 98. And even in that time, I mean, it's not that short, but in that time, I'm like there was no options. There was nothing. Oh, yeah. And now it's so commonplace that my wife is not seen as a pain. Like compared to my like nephew who like like she was never as bad.

Yeah, they got perspective on it. I think it's so funny when you go to restaurants and they do the whole like, does anyone have an allergy here? And you're like, no, we're good. And then they come back and they're like, are you sure? And then I always get worried like, how many people have died because of like sesame oil in this restaurant. The way they say it is life and death,

and I'm like, I'm just trying to have in a sandwich. I would feel like that because we have so many things between my daughters and my wife and there's always like, well, I don't eat this or I don't eat that. And then they ask the allergy thing. And like, no, we're, we're paying the ass,

but we can, nothing's going to bring us down. This is just purely, we're paying the ass by choice. That is so funny. Yeah, because sometimes people ask for not, for things not to be on it. It's like, is this actually because we're going to have to go to the hospital or because you're a little bit picky today? Right, exactly. Wait, so you're a girl dad. Yeah, twice.

Two girls. Do you feel like it's made you a better person? No, I was pretty great before. Yeah, no, it's kind of, of, of course, they're a blessing. But any, any, that's my new. New Year's Resolution, by the way, I'm trying not to say um as much. Oh. Because if you don't do it, then you have to sit in silence and think.

I knew I realized I was great because when they came around and like started going through stuff in high school and dating and stuff like that. Yeah. It wasn't like I had to wrestle down the duchiness in me. Yeah. To do the right thing by them. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I wasn't going to get in way of them with boys. or like any of that stuff I just I did not have it I also had two sisters though I grew up with two years oh so you were trained I was trained you were ready it wasn't like yeah like my friends that just grew up with brothers yeah and then all of a sudden a woman enters their life

they see a tampon for the first time and their brain explode yeah it's completely far and so I definitely had had good training I think it's great to like for guys to see life from the perspective of their daughters like because my dad is and my grandpa. I come from a sports family, like coaches and stuff.

Yeah. And I was the one that was really into sports and not my brother. Right. And my dad treated it just like I was his son. Like he's like,

okay, we're going in. I'm yelling at you. I'm screaming at you. But he got to see how like we'd show up to like a tennis court and I was the only girl and he'd see how the guys would treat me a little differently.

And he never, so you get to see different perspectives. A hundred percent. But then you also have your dad who's like behind you supporting you, which is cool. Right. But yeah.

Yeah. Now there's been a lot of, there's been a, yeah, there's been a ton of watching, like, from that perspective of watching them go through stuff. They're pretty amazing. I think that I realized, like, this is so much better than if I had boys at a certain point. I was like, this is so much, like, we could just hang out. We could talk. They're just painting.

They say girls in the beginning are easier. and then they're harder later. Because, yeah, the boys, for some ways, the boys, they're chucking themselves around. They love to break shit, like, each other, like, everything's breaking. Yeah. My husband, he's one of three,

and, like, the amount of stories of broken bones. We're, like, we're going to doodle. We're going to doodle in the corner. We're going to play dress up for nine hours. And we're just going to sing a song. Yeah. Where boys are like, let's flip this fucking table. Here's one.

Here's one that. you'll have good perspective on. I was, my daughter was saying last night that someone from her past, blocked her or took her, I guess, unfollowed her. Unfollowed her on Instagram. And I said, so what? You know, she hasn't seen her in forever. 10 years.

She's not that old. 10 years is quite a, A large amount of time. So she says that she's noticed that she's been unfollowed by this person and she was distraught. And I said, well, why don't you just text this person and say, hi, when's the last time you did that? Like person to person, both daughters turned on me. Like I was a guy that worked in a coal mine and didn't know how the world worked because I'd been in there for so long. they're like um no she unfollowed which means she doesn't want to talk to her i'm like well that's a sick

way to live how about you just person to person you say hey what's up like are we or don't even address it just say hi and just talk like why why are you letting you're both creating stories in a narrative a narrative this breakup or what this person's saying you haven't seen her in 10 years how about a text and say i'm coming to your town This summer. Or why'd you unfollow me, bitch? Yeah. But it's funny.

Am I totally off face? I feel like unfollowing is, it's the ultimate fuck you, because it's basically like, I don't want to see your life. I don't care about your life. Sometimes it could be like an ex being like, I don't want to, I just can't see you or a friend who's like jealous that's like, I don't want to see you. Yeah. So it's kind of weird.

Because if this is the thing, if you don't want to see someone on your feet, but you don't to hurt their feelings, you mute them. Like a normal person. Right. Exactly. Because you still like them. You just maybe not, don't like their, you know, newborn baby content. Yeah, the content's driving you nuts.

You're running a marathon? Yeah, it's been 10 years. Go to therapy. Like, I don't like these marathons. So it's not personal. But her, also, the fact that she knows can see that the person unfollowed her, I would argue, I don't have, there's apps where you could see who unfollows you. I don't want to hurt my own feelings.

I like to. If you don't have the app, you can't see it. You can't see it unless you, like, specifically go to someone to be like, they following me? Right. And then the final thing is, I would ask her, does she even like that girl? Like, do you just feel hurt because she had followed you? Yeah.

Or, like, do you even want her to follow you? Well, that's the thing. It's like if you haven't reached out to this person, why should she be following you? Yeah. Like, why, like, you obviously. It's like when you get mad when you're dating, someone rejects you. And it's like, you don't even like them. Right.

You just have to hear you. You like them because you thought they liked you. Right. When you never stopped to be like, do you actually like that person? You're just pissed off that they got to you first. How old is she? 19. Yeah, it's an age where you're also like trying to figure out where you fit in and like accepting yourself.

So it's like extra sensitive. Like when you're in your 30s or older, you're just like, well, that's all I got. When you're 19, you're like, I'm trying really fucking hard. And people are fucking rejecting me left and right. I mean, 19 sucked. I hated 19, early 20. 20s, oh, I hated that. I know.

My daughter asked me, because she just, my other daughter is 22. Mm-hmm. And she just graduated and stuff. And she was asking, like, so what did you do? Like,

those like three years after, I really was like, I'm not sure. And I realized, I was so confused and upside down and inside out that I don't even track it as a part of the journey.

I was just like, and then there was that, that screwed up period where I got a weird tattoo and gained 30 pounds. And now I'm back and then I started comedy. You know what I mean? No, it's so true. But then people make it like your early 20s are like, the best time.

So you feel this weird pressure where you're like, I'm my hottest right now. I'm like my physically, my strongest. But it's like your brain's still not fully formed. You go out of college and they're like, oh, hey, now you need to know exactly what you want to do for a living, even though you've never done anything. So you have no like past experience.

to make any educated decisions. So, like, it's chaos, and I just want to normalize, like, for the girls and the guys. Just make a ton of mistakes. Yeah. Just go. Just keep moving. Yeah, I was doing cold calling sales out of college.

My dad was like, if you want to be successful, you got to be able to do cold calling sales. I'm like, okay, dad. And I was like, I didn't know what I can't do this rest of my life. You're not my coach anymore. No, literally. I was so miserable. I was like, why am I hiding in the bathroom?

Yeah, it's a weird period for sure. But then the 22-year-old was like backing up the 19-year-old. Like I said, that I was completely off-based. Like, oh, no, you're not going to text her. She unfollowed her because she's moving on and thinks she's all that. And I was like, you guys, this is like making a story up about someone you saw across from you on the subway. You know nothing about. But it's like a new language, the unfollowing.

Like, unfollowing says a lot. I get it. It's like if you write okay period, they take it as like, dad is being short with me. Really pissed off. Where you're like, don't think about it. I said okay. Unfollowing means like you're fucking out of my life, bitch. So it's just different forms of communication.

But I love being the in-between communicator. Yeah, exactly. I really was thinking about you this morning. I'm like, I know who's going to have an answer. Wait, so they listen to Gigley Squad? Do they listen to Gigley Squad? Yeah, my older. one does so funny yeah did you want to have kids yeah yeah yeah yeah I wanted to have kids

and then then I went through a period I was regretting it it's actually last week or last night when they were giving me shit that I don't know about social media I was like you know what I'm just you have a big following on social media you're like I'm fucking famous okay yeah maybe you wouldn't notice if you had more followers oh my gosh You work on your brand. We post more reels. I mean, if people did unfollow me, I doubt I'd notice. That would have been savage.

Getting sassy. Yeah, you really have to check yourself. They can make you. What's really funny is when they're really little. They have no, there's no real manipulation going on in their little brains. Well, I feel like girls sometimes they can. A little, but it's like even if they just don't do something like an example,

like we order room service and then they don't eat it. And, you know, that's not a moo. No. They just don't want to eat it. And they're probably right because it's like some weird fancy oatmeal that they never saw before. And they're like, ew. And sometimes you just hits you as a parent.

You're like, oh, fine. I guess we just spend $50. an oatmeal and you're not going to eat it. Okay, great. Like, you get petulant. You get like, nang, yeah. And then, like, later on in the day, you're like, what I don't know. And then, like, 10 years later, they're like, you know, I've never really eaten oatmeal

and therapy. Because my dad would always snap. You don't know what they're going to remember. I was asking you because, yeah, I'm 32 now. My husband's also a comic. Right. And we're, Des. He says hello, by the way.

And we're warming up to that moment. where it's like, should we have kids, should we not have kids? And I've been joking that some women will complain, like, after you get married, everyone's like, when are you going to have a baby? No one asks me. I don't know why.

Maybe because I'm on the road all the time. Maybe they think I'm not capable. It started to know me. I'm like, no one's going to say my clock is ticking. You assume I don't have a clock? Yeah, my clock's fine. My clock's normal. But it's funny because he's like,

there's a life hack where like, you actually don't have to have kids. And then he's like, or you can. And it ruins your life. but like enhances your life like the a lot of parents give me mixed messages yeah like they'll be like it's a happy to ever be but you'll never be happy again like you get all these riddles yeah so like and then some comics will be like oh the content you'll get after having kids like that's your next hour and I'm like but is that is that why you should do it yeah I mean just on the content side

it's like my whole career is trying not to let them devour my act yeah family life and they won. All my stuff is about family. Yeah. But yeah, what do you think? I think I probably will. Yeah. But obviously it's harder with like, yeah, just I'm at this point in my career

where I'm starting to get momentum to like then have a baby is like annoying. So I'll figure it out. We'll see. You just got to look for examples of people who did it around that same time and made it work. Yeah. I mean, I know a lot of comics who like waited to get more track. chin or then you could pull you know an alley Wong yeah and wait for a special with a belly right and hope it's fucking amazing yeah and then you make enough money right off that special

yeah yeah 15 nannies but nowadays yeah no when you're coming right now but right now I think like everything's virtual like you could do so many things with a kid um but yeah it's a balance for sure it's definitely more exhausting yeah you need like when you talk about you talk about you about like conserving your energy and being an athlete it's like there's so much there were times I'd be at the laugh factory just like sitting on the steps like you guys don't I should be graded on a curve this is ridiculous I've been up since five since five no and I like to sleep till like 10 yeah that's gone that's so gone and my husband likes to wake up early though oh that's good so I was like maybe you take the early shift yeah

Or at least put the kid up to my breast while I'm passed out. Right. I don't think you have to be awake for milk to come out. I don't think so. I mean, I don't know, but I don't think so. And then I stay up late at night so it kind of works. It's a weird, it's

yeah, so anyway, I was in this kind of confused state of like, I'm not sure if it'll ever happen. But then when I met my wife, my wife, I immediately was like, oh no, we're going to

gonna get married and have children. Yeah. And he's a funny story. I said that to her on like one of the, like our fourth date on St. Patrick's Day in a bar. I was like, you're totally having my baby. With green beer just dribbling down. She was like, what? I don't even know we're gonna make it to the end of the month.

And I was like, we're telling, you know, you know we're having kids. And she went back to my apartment and threw up. I love that. I feel like men are so extreme. Like they're either like not into it or they're like, you are my wife. We're going to have a huge family. There is a primal.

There's definitely a primal instinct in all of it. Yeah. There's like, no, like when we would talk about it, it was like my whole body was like, now you want to do it now. It's crazy. But it's funny because Des is older. And I joke, you know,

I like an older man because they are tired, you know. He just, he gives him some Advil, he's fine. He's so, like, he was in his 30s was probably so much harder to deal with. We barely even fight. How old is he? He's 47. Okay. So, but he said in his 30s, he won a kid so bad, but it just never happened.

And now, because he's later in life, and I was like, look at Robert De Niro. Like, he had kids. So I have more of the, like, hormonal, like, like, oh, we could do it. And then he's like, you know, if you just get past this hormonal stage. Yeah. We could just, like, vacation. whenever. And it's this interesting

like the economy. But I think it's, someone said that actually this hilarious comic, Steve, what's his last name? Damn it, I'll remember it later. He said kids are like farts or like, they're kind of gross,

but then you like the smell of your own. So I'm like, yeah, you think kids are annoying but I feel like your own kid he's going to be obsessed with. So we're just navigating that. Yeah, it really, you know, there's very little planning it kind of just happened yeah your instincts will take over there's definitely it's definitely this was what this is where we came down on it actually it was because i was just like

yeah all systems go and she was like i don't really really know you know she was a comedian oh wow an actress and uh we she wasn't really sold on the idea as i was in the in that bar but we literally as creative people where like you're on this planet as a creative person you kind of are sensitive to all of the experiences that you can have as a human being

why would we pass up the greatest experience not joyful or whatever but just like the most impactful like okay so if we're all here to do whatever sunsets and drink phantom. This one seems like

it's a big one. Yeah. And we were like, all right. And then, you know, you're in love so that kind of like tricks you. Tricks you. Yeah. Tricks you. No, but that's a hunt. That's definitely, definitely true. I think sometimes like when you're with someone

who's like seen and lived a lot of life, he'll have more different perspectives like, you know, I've done it this long and it's been pretty good and like it works out. And I'm like, and I have the younger brain that's like, the next we have a family. That's what comes next. Yeah, exactly.

Christmas will be so much more fun again. We can play with bubbles. We could go to Disney. I've not seen creepy. I like lollipop. So you like lollipop? I love chicken nuggets. I love so much chicken nuggets in the house.

The dinosaur ones. Because that's creepy if I just, I'm like, you know what we should do tonight? Dinosauru or chicken dinos. By yourself. Flintstone Gummies. I love Flintstone Gummy. Flintstone Gummy.

Candy. Just stopping into a candy shop. Yeah. We used to have a candy shop in L.A. We didn't have a candy shop. We had a liquor store that had a candy section under the register. That's honestly genius. And we would get on our bicycles, like the girls and I,

and we were like, let's go to the candy shop. There's like people outside, you know, needles in their arm. We were like getting our candy. Yeah, it makes you. It's like, there's a really, yeah, it's a really good part of it. Yeah, and I do think creatively, like, to see life through kids' eyes is fun because you get so jaded as an adult. Yeah. And then you probably get some flashbacks of like when you were little and having those fun moments.

Yeah. Are your folks still around? Yes, but his are, k. His are gone. Which is good for the marriage. Yeah, the holidays. Yeah, no issue in the holidays. That's good.

He says he's an orphan. I'm like, you're 47. you're not Annie. You're an adult. It's a hard knock life, Cortez. But it's funny because my parents, my mom has both her parents. And Des is just there, you know, fighting the good fight. But yeah, I have both my parents still around.

So I want my mom to take care of the kid probably. Oh, and they're traveling. Yeah. Are they around here? They're around. They're in Long Island. Oh, yeah. Yes.

Yeah. We figured it out. We figured it out. Yeah, seems like all systems go. Des actually was like, you got to ask him about family because, you know, he knows a lot about family. He's like, he's the only comedian that really has a good family. I was like, okay, I'll see what I could do. Yeah, well, then I say you do it.

You okay. Yeah, go ahead. I'll blame you if anything happens. Yeah. All the stuff. Yeah. things get better. And I also like chaos.

Chaos is good. Stillness makes me very uncomfortable. I don't want to... The way you described as, there's a lot of stillness. Yeah. Not a lot of movement. Barely a heartbeat at times.

In the morning, I'm like, is he going to wake up? Is this one of those times? Is today the day? Come back with his coffee and he stills him sleep. Well, good for him. I'm letting him sleep in for the week.

Wow, he's really But he goes, he goes, I'm fucking tired, I'm tired I'm like I feel like something will come over you And you'll wake up for the kid Yeah Yeah, no, he'll be exhausted But he's exhausted already Yes

It's all right Yeah Exhausted in a different way Yeah Someone who's hilarious I like it too because you can make excuses Like I can't do this because of my kids Yeah, that's a good one

Where now it's like Hannah Yeah You have one cat Well let me play the other side of it though The one thing I didn't, that was kind of a surprise, as, like, I thought, well, I'm kind of selfish, but I'm not that selfish. And I was like, oh, I'm, like, I can't even read the, I'll still be able to read the paper in the morning. I'll still be able to, like, no, like, that amount of time, it's like, no. And comics were so self-centered.

Like, we're always like, how do I feel about this? And would this sound good when I do this? So it's like considering someone else. I mean, that kind of is good, you know, back and forth. But that part is kind of good too. It's like, you know what? Have I stopped thinking about me for a second? Oh, I would love that.

And there's definitely a lot of comedians. I would know who could use that? Who didn't do it and are like older now and still obsessed with it? And it's not that good of old. Yeah, they're getting like spray tans and stuff. Yeah. They're always going to a lot of doctors. A lot of things checked.

Oh yeah. They're doing like piece of things. CP and stuff. When you have kids, you could have like a thing growing off your neck. You're like, there's no time. I'll just wear a turtleneck. That is so true. No, you're not meant to be able to analyze yourself.

No. Too often. No. Because like, that's nothing good comes of it ever. Even though our job requires it. We need a balance. Yeah. And there's nothing more.

Yeah. Look at the picture over your shoulder, by the way. What if I? with little children? What if our kids are like the most annoying, sarcastic assholes ever? I don't mind that. I think mean kids are funny. Like if my kid was an asshole, I'd be like, that's hilarious.

Yeah, especially if they're mean to people you don't like. 100%. Oh, that was the bigger point, though. The schedule, like when they were really little, we were living in New York. Okay. Then we went to L.A. For like three months. And then we came back to New York.

And then all of a sudden we were bicostal because we had gigs in both places. We were just having fun and then going on vacations in between and doing the whole thing. And then school starts. And you're like, oh shit, they have a schedule now. They have to be in town from mid-August. Oh, you have to go to school next week? Yeah. I remember just being like, no.

Who does school think they are? We need two weeks for Christmas? How about a month and a half? No. We're not going back. Oh, my, I know. They're going to get kicked out. Will that make you happy?

Maybe. And then you don't want to fucking homeschool because then. Then they're weird. They're weird. Then they're really weird. They smell like old sweaters. Yeah, they use like different words that just adults use. Yeah.

Yeah, they're a little too earnest when they talk to adults. Yeah, they keep the eye contact for like five minutes too long. Yeah. You're like, you can look away now. Oh, all your friends by their first name. How was your surgery, Carol? How was the bypass? Well, people are recovering from that a lot quicker these days.

You'll be fine. I'll tell Des. Just patting her hand. I've seen this happen. Yeah. It's hard. A big part of it is that you said that you're Italian. And it's like, you know, you're built for family.

Yes. You're definitely built for it. I'm built for it. I always joke, like, whenever I thought. thought I might be pregnant. I'm like, I'm a 29-year-old teenager. Like, can my mom take care of the baby? And I'm like, you're fucking 29.

And I'm at that age. We're like, I can't really get an abortion because I'm like 32 am married. So I'm like, something's got to give. Something's going to happen. Are you friends with Rachel? Yes. That's a good example. Yes.

She doesn't really have a handle on the world. She lives in chaos. Mm-hmm. and it's a great comic and she's having a blast. Yeah, I mean, I do think it's nice that her husband has, I don't know how much structure fireman has. A lot. But he has, we're like, yeah, Des and I would have to figure out that balance of like,

but I, yeah, we'd have to have a balance of like, okay, I'm traveling a bit, you stay home. We're going to have to have a talk. He's going to have to become a fireman. Des, he could be the funniest guy in the firehouse. Well, he's Irish from New York. Like, they'll just let him in. They won't even ask for an ID. Just tell him you'll cook.

Just show up and start cooking. Like, what's going on in here? What's up guys? It's hilarious. And then, you know, Rosebud's popping them out. Right? Yeah. Another one?

I think just one. Sounds like you know something we're not supposed to say on the podcast. I mean, just dropping crazy tea on the Tompupon. She just exposes. She unfollows me. how could you do that to me? No, I don't think she's... I'm like, just text her.

I don't think she's pregnant. So am I ultimately wrong? I shouldn't... I think that they have their own teenage language. I'm trying to think what like middle-aged man equivalent would be to someone unfollowing. They would ghost you. I do have an adult friend. I have one adult friend.

It's never happened to me in my life. I do have one adult friend. I won't say who it is. Who, yeah, ghosted me. Like, I can't text. Blocked you. I don't know if I'm blocked, but not responding and not picking up the phone. It's been over a year now.

Are they alive? They're alive. You know them. Oh. But just, yeah, just completely. I have ideas. Like, I've never had a grown-up friendship breakup. That's insane.

life. Or like, yeah, that's insane. It's so weird. It's crazy. Because I'm going to see them again. Yeah. Well, especially the comedy world. Yeah. Well, sometimes these comics, I remember Des was messaging someone and they just stop responding to him and he was like, thinking of all things he could have possibly said that might have like take them off. Especially with comics, like, we're so mean to each other. He's like, where did I go too far? And then we find out like months later, the guy was like, oh, I had someone take over my social media. I don't check my messages. We're like, he thought this guy was like furious with him for like six months he was like he hates me he was like did i say something about the vaccine like did was there a political joke that's what i've been going yeah you're like same thing i'm like

you're like was it BLM did he not know i was kidding did i tweet yeah just never know nothing i never say anything hateful about people yeah but you're a comic how could you possibly think it wasn't a joke i definitely people also have like beefs with me that i was not involved in yeah And then they, like, got over it and I were like, we're cool now. And I'm like, I was not consenting in any of this fight. I didn't even know that was a thing. But, I mean, comics miscommunicating sounds pretty standard. Like, I could see someone on the periphery not liking you and muting you or whatever.

Which is normal. Honestly, healthy. Yeah, definitely. There's people I love who they're just, their social media is so intense. I was like, I can't. Are you going to approach this person and be like, we good, bro? I would if they'd pick up. I was like, I think that's how, I was giving, I was using the advice I gave to my daughter.

I was like, just text them, just say hello. They get a restraining order against you. Human to human. They're like, that's not how it works. I'm like, well, what a sad world you live in. But that's what's going on with me. I can't, they won't pick up. Well, you know what?

Sometimes people leave your life for a reason. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Fuck that guy. I'm going to unfollow them as soon as it's done. So you can actually bond with your daughter about this. You're both experiencing a similar debacle. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to bring it up again because they've dug their heels in both daughters. And I'm like, this is the way it is, old man. Yeah. Yeah. All right. One last subject before we go.

We've got to get out of here because we had to turn the air conditioning. It's a sauna. my shirt. You still look great. You look like you're not... The whole time I'm like, how is she not dying right now? No, it's all like on the chair. I'm like swooshing around.

I went for a run this morning. Oh, okay, humble brag. Because I've been a... I've been eating nutter butters and going crazy. And I was like, I got to at least work out once while I'm here. So I went... I got up earlier because it's hot. Yeah.

And I went for a run down on the water. Wow. There is an intensity. to people working out. Is this West Side Highway culture? In New York. West Side Highway culture. That's like a whole dating app.

Is it really? West Side Highway running. Is it really? Yeah, and people are judging you by your technique. What college you're wearing on your shirt? Did you go to Harvard? It's craziness there. I stay away. I'm scared.

It's so funny. I literally was like, when I run in L.A., I live in a suburban part of L.A. So there's like maybe one other person you'd see like running. You know, like at that, like, there's no... And you get out into that human river. The salmon in a stream.

People, guys with no shirt on, sprinting. Spitting. Spitting. I actually was, why do guys have to hawk so many lugies in the sun? I don't get it. Why do girls, we don't have to do it ever, and they're doing it like 10 times a day in your lane? Here's the truth. They don't have to either.

Okay, so it's like a big dick thing? It's like revving your engine? Yes, it's the loud car going, blasting through the... city. Mucous out of your mouth. The guy with no shirt on in a yoga class. You don't have to put your shirt on.

Who can't touch his toes. This isn't your space. This is their space. You're a visitor. Get in the back corner with your shirt on. No, the West Side Highway, that was intense because New York

it has a competitiveness. Everyone's like, I have a meeting, a Zoom in 20 minutes. Yeah, exactly. And then you're like, do I pass them? Do I not pass them? I thought leaving the hotel like, oh, this is so peaceful. I'm just going to be the only guy out there because I'm the only one who's thinking that's run before it gets hot. People laugh. Just like you're saying, like, I got a meeting at

12 and we got to get back to the game. You couldn't even like merge in. I was like frightened. I was like, I'm going to get this girl's going to run the off into the bike lane. That's the thing with New York. Like there's so many beautiful things that just get ruined by people. A hundred percent. Like if there was, if there was an apocalypse, how fucking beautiful would that run have been? Yes, there would be no problem. I was just talking to my friend downstairs, and she went to the beach on Far Rockaway on Monday and got there early.

It was delightful. It saw dolphins. And then by 12, the beach was filled with people. Yep. Who were just, like, jugging beers. Fucking luggies. And yeah, it was just ruined by people. Yep.

So many people. And New Yorkers love, like, waiting in lines. Like, they don't even know what it's for. If there's a line, they're like, this must be fucking good. And they'll wait. There was a line yesterday through Soho. It went like from from Houston like down to Prince over to West Broadway. Yeah.

For a coffee shop. Like it was. That like went viral on TikTok or something. And probably half of them didn't even know what it was and they were like, there's going to be something good at the end of this. I almost got in it. You know, I don't know about comedy clubs, but actual like party clubs do that thing where they will not let people in for a while

to create the line. It's like that's always happening. I feel like in New York. If I see a line, look, I'm fucking old. I'm like, I'm not waiting in a fucking line. I'd rather starve to death than wait for a line at a bodega or something.

My daughters, I caught my daughters talking to each other and said, oh yeah, just so you know, dad doesn't stand in lines anymore. You go VIP coming through. And I'm like, that's right, I'm not standing in a line.

Wait, you know what you should do? You should unfollow one of your daughters. just for fun. That would be hilarious. See if she knows. See if she knows. That's so funny. Or next time you get into fight,

unfollow her. That's so great. I'm going to unfollow both of them. They'll probably be like, thank God. Now we could post whatever we want. Yeah, by the way, they've blocked so many of the elders

in the family when they commented about them having no shirt on. Yeah. Well, this was amazing. Oh, my God. This was so much fun. Thank you for the bread and the fanta.

What can we plug? Let's plug your podcast. Oh, yeah. I have my podcast, Giggly Squad. And Des and I have a pod called Burner Phone. Nice. People call in. And then my Netflix special. What's the date? July 9th.

Wow. My first special. So exciting. It's called We Ride at Dawn. Nice. It's a good one. So it's all happening. That's so great.

Thank you. Very exciting. So you'll probably come on my Netflix show. I would love that. With fortune. Oh, I love fortune. Yeah. I'm sure you'll be a book to talk about it.

when it comes out for sure, which is like in a week. It's coming soon. Oh, great, so I'll see you soon. In a bit. I'll see you later. All right, you'll probably be pregnant. Okay. We got it.