Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 229 - Paul Scheer

Episode Date: September 10, 2024

Paul Scheer stops by to set the record straight about his role in Twisters. Paul and Tom gossip about eating on trains, choco tacos, and the Clippers. Paul talks his new book and being an airport vendor at LAX. Paul is starting a speed dating therapy business and has discovered a love of Funyuns. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Exactly. And so I was like, you know what? I'm going to start with her and just say, what would, how could I go about finding this person? She's like, give me a name and give me like four hours. And then I got this incredibly detailed report down to like a Google image of a house, you know. And I was like, holy shit. And she did. She's like, if you want me to go deeper, I will.

I was like, well, any deeper, we'd be inside the house. You know, I got it. I got enough. How funny they go inside the house and there's a picture of you. I was like, oh. It's breaking bread. We'd like to thank the good people at Wild Grain for sponsoring today's program. Wild grain is the first ever bake from frozen subscription box for sourdough breads,

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and $30 off your first box when you start your subscription. Go to wildgrain dot com slash papa. That's wildgrain.com slash papa or just use the promo code Papa at checkout. Thank you for being here, Paul. I am thrilled to be here. You know, I was

thinking about you the other day. You were. Because didn't we eat at that steak restaurant that was a railroad car? Yes. And it just burnt down. I was talking to Flannie. I was like, it was you, me, and Tom. We were, we ate there.

It burnt down. It closed after COVID. And then it burnt down last week. No. Yeah. So a lot of people was like, a lot of people, I think it's called the rail car or something like that. And a lot of people like, oh, that rail car is like, but it's been also been close for like two years.

Like there are the people who were like, yeah. I go there all the time. Yeah. Like there was a lot of like, which is a really funny way to like mourn something. You could tell like, it's like,

oh, that's my spot. It's like, but it has been close. Yeah. Yeah. It's like when people were mourning, not Twinkies, when they took something,

oh, the taco, Chaco Taco. Oh, yeah. Everyone was like, no, they're taking the Chaco Taco Taco.

How dare you? They've sold three in the United States in the last five years. Chaco. Taco Taco was my dessert of choice at, I went to Catholic school and they had a couple of desserts that you could get and a Chaco Taco Taco

was 50 cents and it was a go-to. Every day, I mean, that was a life. Get dessert at lunch. Oh, my God. Desert at lunch is something that I really feel like. Walking around with your Chaco Taco. Yeah. Well, I want to talk more about the

burning down of the Yeah, yeah. Please. Because that was such a great thing. But first a toast to you. Yes, thank you. We like to start off with a toast. Congratulations on your book. Oh, thank you so much. Well done. Thank you. I haven't gotten through all of it because I'm a slow reader. Don't take it. I'm glad you got through some of it. But a great those are not easy things to write. There's a lot of like it's your life. Yeah. It is your life. And you have a good sense of humor and you have a nice pacing and congratulations. Oh, thank you so much.

I really appreciate it, especially from you. Because I feel like, you know, it's a, it's a, it's an interesting thing to balance your life. Yeah. And I think you also have to keep part of your life private, but unlike you're sharing. It's a weird line of like what's trauma dumping, what's fun sharing, what's storytelling. It's a real, you know, it's a real puzzle to kind of figure out.

Yeah. It is very interesting. Like, because I, you take a deep dive, you do all this. And then there's, you probably sit back and think, like, in the next one I write, there's, I could talk about this one. Like, you kind of feel like you're unearthing everything. Yeah. It's amazing how much is there in a human life.

Well, yeah, because I also think, you know, it's, I read Barbara Streisand's book, the 1,000 page, Barbara Streisand book, 40-hour audiobook. And what made you jump into that? I'm not a big Streisand fan. I'm not a Stryzan fan. Yeah. But it felt like, I don't know. she's been around like there's something about like you know it's like this it's like you look and you're

like you've you've been through something you've been through like cultural shifts multiple times yeah and and you're still interesting and you're working yeah yeah and i don't know what i don't know what brought me to it and it was fascinating and that feels like the story of a life like it is down to the minute details uh-huh uh thousand pages uh and and i i i And I do like the effect that, like, you can't follow that up. You got, you got one shot. Right. And there's not much living to do after.

No, yeah. Yeah. So it's like, it's like, how do you find the thing where it's like, oh, this is just an area that I'm kind of talking about that's, you know, it's like it's not unearthing everything, you know. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Which I think is, you know, interesting. But I, you know.

And you also have, you also have like 50 more years to live. Well, that's it. So you can write another. I feel like people don't. don't want to necessarily hear, like if we're talking, we'll tell us funny, like, for lack of a better term, like, showbiz stories. Right. But I feel like most people can't relate to that. It'd be like, oh, I was on set.

Like, unless it's really big, right? Unless it's like, and Bruce Willis had me in a chokehold and he threw me down the stairs. You know, it's like, so I also feel like the most, that's what I love about your comedy, though, too. It's like, it keep it fun and really. Like, these are the things that we live in, you know, it's like, you know, people are like, well, I want to, you know, in the beginning. People are like, I hope there's some stories about the league in there. And I'm like, well, I don't know how many, like, great, like, great time shooting the league. It was a, that was a show.

Like, we were hanging out in the director's chair. Somebody made a joke about this. And then I said this. And then there. It's a bookworthy. Yeah, it's a hangout. It's a hangout story. Yeah, I don't know if it's really bookworthy.

Yeah. And the stuff that is worthy of telling a story, you can't print because then people get hurt. Yeah, everyone's canceled. Yeah. We were shooting this a while. Yeah. Yeah. So we went, the last time we hung out, we've seen each other since,

but the last time we, last and only time that we've really hung out, was when we went with Flannie from Largo to the Clippers game. Yes, against the Warriors. Against the Warriors. Yeah. And first back to what you were saying about the rail car thing that burnt down. That was such a great, great restaurant. Like that was such a cool, it was, for those who don't know,

this clean, crisp white table glove, elegant, like the old guy waiters. Yeah, it's like that classic Hollywood. It feels like you're going to go in there and you're going to be, the waiter is like a career waiter. They've been there. They've put in decades. And, you know, you're getting a big thing of bread. It's like there's a, there's a, you know, everything on there is pretty much steak. You know, it's like, you know.

And hard alcohol. Yeah, a lot of hard alcohol. A lot of living. A lot of things has gone on there, but I love those old spots. Oh, the best. Rousseau and Franks. Yes. There's a place that took my wife for an anniversary.

In retrospect, probably not the best place to take my wife. Because those places aren't, my wife doesn't eat meat. And also it's like, it's not, it's romantic in a way. Like the red booth, it's like you're sitting there and it's like, hey, do you want one of our special appetizers? Like, of course. And it was just everything that they had fried. And it was like, you know, and it's like, and I want to bring my wife there and enjoy but it speaks of a different night out.

I think that that kind of road car, the Moose Zone Franks, you have to be in a different mindset. Yeah, and by different mindset, you mean with guys? Yes, guys, yeah, guys are way, or we're going for this event. It's not like, it's part of it is like, it's like going to Disneyland. Like, we're going to go and that's what we're doing. Like, you know, it's not like we're going out for dinner. Like dinner is dinner, but this is like we're playing a part of the show.

Is the steak that good? Maybe not. Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying. We went to Dantanas over the weekend for my wife's birthday, and that was good. It was the old school thing, but it's Italian, so there's a lot of, like, stuff that she can eat and stuff. My wife doesn't eat meat either. And I'm always pining for Muso and Franks. It's like, oh, just that classic, all they bring a martini and they leave extra on ice, and it's just so great.

My wife's like, I don't really have anything to eat there. Yeah, it's. I'm like, I know, but it's either I go. with you or who? I will that, well, that's the thing. I'm not hanging out with that many people.

Like, I was just, I was just texting with my friend. Like, like, I, and I love hanging out with my wife, but it's like, like,

like, but there's the options that I, I will not go then. I will not like, you just don't go. Yeah. You can't say to your wife on Saturday. I'm going out with Tom to Muso and Frank.

We're like, we're going to have a good time. Yeah. Wait, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are you doing?

Why are you doing? Yeah. So like you got, And so you have to find those places. But yeah, it does. And that was a great place and we had a great time. Yeah. It was nice.

And it was like we did all the things of just guys eating. And it's like the beauty of these kind of things as opposed to the romantic things with your wife is when you're done, everyone just looks around like, all right, let's go. And everyone just stands up and walks out. Yeah. Like there's no like talking. No one's trying to do anything other than eat and get to the game. Yeah. And that was done very well.

But I've been carrying since we went to the Cooper's game. I felt like we had a great time and we got to hang out, but I felt like you're such a big Clippers fan. Yeah. And I feel like I hung in there for probably about a quarter, quarter and a half. And then you slowly started to realize Tom doesn't like basketball as much as I do. We'd like to thank the good people at Quince for sponsoring today's program. If you spend a lot of time cooking at home, it's time to elevate your game.

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365-day returns. Quince.com slash Papa. Oh, no, you know, that is a, believe me, I don't, I am not going to give you that kind of a treatment. Like I'm not, I'm not going to be, because I've been in that position as well. Sometimes I'm just excited to be out. You know, like, hey, bring me to a hockey game. Great, I'll learn about it. I'll see, tell me what's going. I also can understand how it's going.

Yeah. I don't remember that game. I think they got beat. So you might have been following my emotional journey of watching the clippers go down against the Warriors, which is something I'm going to, that is something I'm going to bring to the table, unfortunately. All right. I'm not going to be above that as a seat partner.

Right. I'm going to be, you're going to follow my emotional eyes and lows. All right, good. But no. I'll allow that to be put on the team. I was, I was excited. But I think what was happening in that game also was we were, I mean, it was such, like, a very school yard thing. Like, we were switching off seats.

So it was like, we had two that were low and two that were high. So we were like, okay, now I'm going to sit with Tom. And then Flan is going to go down there. I'll go sit down there. Like, we swap seats multiple. Because I sat next to you. I sat next to you. I said next to Flannie.

I think I may even sit next to Jeff Garland at one point. Like, there was a lot of moving around. It's true. So it was like, it was like we were in for, you know, like, but I really enjoyed hanging out with you. It was really fun. As a fan of you. All right, good. I just didn't want to let you down.

No. And I'd like to be invited back. Oh, but now I have some good seats at this new Clippers Stadium. So I am, I'm a Clippers fan. And I'm not like a ridiculous sports fan. I enjoy sports, right? Do I sometimes, you know, watch a game while I'm trying to put my kid to bed? Yeah, sure.

And I'm watching it. And finally you're following along on social media. Sure, yeah. There's some things I've been, you know, I've done. But so for the new stadium, this Intuit Dome, it's the biggest, best NBA stadium made until next year. And then another billionaire makes another. But for one year, we are going to have the best one.

Yeah. And Englewood, kind of near SoFi. The crazy thing about this was to build this stadium, part of the deal was that Steve Bomber, one of the richest men ever, like I think he's number 30 in the hiring squad of Microsoft. So, you know, been in there for a while. He had to buy the forum.

So he had to be like, all right, I'm buying the forum so then I can build a competitor to the forum down the road. Oh, my God. So he's not competing against himself. So he bought a full stadium. So I'm not even going to demolish that. It's just like the guest house. Yeah, that's like that is going to stay there.

It's parking for Taylor Swift Overflow. And I will be, I'll be down here at my own stadium. Oh, my God. Where you can control a t-shirt cannon from your seat, food delivered to your seat. There's USBC ports in the seat. Wow, really? Yeah. And so, but I have always gotten half-season tickets.

That's been my thing. It's about right. It's about 20 games a year. And I feel like that's a manageable thing for a man with two children and, you know, and a wife. And, you know, it's like, it's not my thing. But they were like, you have to buy a full season. And I was like, oh, God, this is a lot, you know. And I don't want to lose my seats.

And the guy's convincing me and he knows I'm having a hard time. Yeah. He goes, look, I've been thinking about this for you. I got something. I got someone to want to show you. So I am in this, I'm, I'm, I'm, I had to take this meeting, this meeting with my ticket like, like a, like an all bomb pan, you know, so I'm like, all right, I'm looking at a screen. And there's a tunnel where, you know, I think it's a tunnel just where people kind of come in and out.

And there are two seats above this tunnel. There's none, none on either side. There's full rows behind it, but there are just two isolated. seats above a tunnel. And those are my seats. So it's, they're both aisle seats. Oh, man. I got no one next to me.

I'm, I, and I, when he showed me that, I was like, I kind of have to take, this may be the best thing I've ever been offered. It's like, fancy balcony seats at a game. I'm in the wall, the Waldorf and Stadler seats of, uh, of the Clippery. I'm in these like, I'm like, and I was like, I've never seen anything like it. And I'm so, I bought it. I was so excited. Now I'm concerned, like, how, well, look,

bizarre. Well, look, well, we, because I've looked at the stadium now multiple times, like, that's weird. It's weird. You know, it's both teams enter that tunnel? That tunnel, I think, is just for humans. Just for humans to come in and out, buying merch, getting food, or whatever it is. How close to the court?

Like, so if this is the, I don't know if you can see, in the wide shot, I don't know if you can see the bread is, if that's the court, I'm about like here. I'm looking, I'm looking right down. I'm above the bench. Okay. I'm above the bench looking into it. So, we're going to see what these seats are like, I have not seen them.

And that's the other thing to your, because it's stadium wasn't even built when I bought these seats. So the, yeah. So will the cameras catch you? I don't think so. I think that, like, the cameras catch people low down. My friend Phil Lord, a great movie director, 21 Jump Street, Spider-Man movies, everything. He's on camera every single game.

And that's, and we talk about that. Like, I've sometimes sat in his seats, and that's a responsibility when you're going to be on camera. Because, like, you have to feel like I'm representing the team. You don't want to be like one of these people. Yeah. I see kids there to get angry. I don't get these kids out.

They don't deserve it. They don't care. So wait a minute. Go back to the meeting. Yeah. Because you glazed over quickly. Like you bought them. I did.

I bought a full... In that call. That was enough to push you over? Because it's like it's the dream of dreams. Right? Because it's like it's not the fancy seats. The fancy seats are going to cost me an insane amount of money. Yeah.

But it's, I always like an aisle. because I like an aisle because I don't want to be moving through people every time. I don't mind getting up a zillion times for other people. I just want to be able to sink in, sink out. So good. Can I just for a second? I love an aisle on the plane and the theater. The best.

Yeah. Remember there will be blood? Yes. The Daniel Day Lewis Oil movie. Yeah, yeah, of course. And he was like, that was my impression for one year. That was my big thing. I would tell people, people that say, where do you sit?

And I say, I'm an aisle man. I don't like sitting by the window. I like to be able to get up and get out when I want to. I want to use the bathroom. It's all in my thing. I'm an aisle man. I, all right, first of all, that is amazing. And I might steal that in casual conversation.

It's yours. It's been a while. It is the aisle. And as somebody who travels a lot, like, I want the, I don't want to be, I am by nature, a polite person. And I don't want to, like, I don't want to be upsetting the thing. I want to go and come and whatever. I want to get to my bag.

I want to get, I just. When you see them open up their laptop, set up their drink. Yeah. You get the things in. Oh, you have to break all this down with a request. It's too much pressure. Too much. Push through me.

I don't care. But I can't push through you. No, I'd rather wet my pants. 100%. I will sit there. And it is, I was talking about this earlier. day to, not that this is, I hopefully not going into territory that's too gone over, but occasionally when I do get that middle seat, I read an article now.

I read an article in New York Times said that the middle seat person gets both armrests. Oh. So that's the etiquette. But I also was wondering, how do I communicate that to anyone that when I'm in that middle seat that this is my domain? There's nothing like that should be given to me on the place. You should just get like the article laminated, just have a whole bunch of them. it out. It's like, you know, like when you are like a heart of hearing and you come into a coffee shop,

you're passing it out. These are mine. I own these. Like my uncomfortability of being stuck in the middle means I get elbows. Yeah. I kind of like, it sounds appropriate. Because the person on the aisle, they get that. And then the person over there got the window. They got their thing. You get their thing. And you're in hell. So you guys will use your elbows. But I, I, uh, but again, even that, I will find myself, you know, I will. Lapsing your skeleton. It's an in on itself. Get down low. Yeah.

I can't do it. So you got the seats. I got the seats. And I felt like because I felt like it. I hope the guy's not lying to me. I have not seen them. You know, it's like it very much is like I bought a timeshare on like, don't work. Oh, the best kitchens.

Oh, everything. Amazing. Oh, wait until you see the bathroom. The bedroom are so big. It's like, you know, so I did buy it on spec. But I am now worried that I will look like a visiting king or queen or dictator because it is going to be separated from every. I am in the Lincoln box.

And I looked on the other side, there's no two seats. Every other end. I looked, I zoomed in. And so I am a design flaw. I got the design flaw seats. Like somehow they're like, oh, we couldn't put another two seats over here. We can't figure it out.

You know? And so I am. nervous about what to expect, but I, and I feel like people are like, hey, how do you get those seats? But then I also thought, because I can't, I know I'm not going to be able to go to all these games. How many games now? I think, probably in the four, probably 40. 40, oh, because that will start like in October and go all the way through June, you know. So it's like, I thought, well, that will be the best resale option because I'm going to have to sell a bunch of these tickets.

And everyone will want to sit in the King's box. I feel like, you know, so that, I hope. I don't know. You got to set up a photo shoot with you sitting in a top hat. I only, I only, my, I grew up, I grew up in Long Island and my dad went to St. John's University, you know, and for a long time, it was the St. John's Redmond, which is problematic. And they had a big Indian, and an Indian would run around and do all the stuff and Native American, I should say, and someone stole the, that head, the mascot head. and they got another one.

And then when they got another one, and everyone's like, oh, thank God, our mascots back, people are like, hey, that's not cool. Like, you know, and they're like, you got to change it. And for a limited period of time, they were stuck.

They didn't know what to do because they were the St. John's Redmond. Right, so that is, right, so like, all right, what do we do? And instead of just changing the name, they decided to make the St. John's Red Man, which was a man in a red tuxedo, white shirt and a red top hat and cane.

and I remember that I have a St. John's pin that it's just a top hat, a cane, and white gloves. Like this. And it was the most colossal fail of all time. I've Googled everywhere. I cannot find the picture of this, and I know it exactly. I have the pin, but I think I would like to dress.

There's a clipper Darrell who dresses in clippers clothes. I'm going to dress as the clipper. Maybe I'll dress like a captain, have a C cap on, you know, jaunty, that kind of a guy. A little Captain Crutch going on. That's amazing. Now, you grew up in Long Island. Now, why did you take, in the book?

Yeah. You broke it down as Old Testament and New Testament. Was that from your Catholic upbringing? You know, it was interesting. They said, you know, at one point, they were like, oh, you had like a part two and part one. You know, there's so much going on when you're kind of writing a book and putting it together. I said part one, part two. and they're like, do you want to label it?

And that was one of the easiest decisions. Like, yeah, yeah, the New Testament, the Old Testament. I just said it because it was like, oh, it's, it's reflective of something. But there is a certain amount of, like, Catholicism baked into me. Like, it was like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. You know, it's like, it's just sort of there. It's just like you can't escape it. Like, it's the guilt will always run strong.

And you also have, it's broken. And it really is kind of like your early life and then you're, yeah, the later life. Yeah. So that's, that was kind of, it was one of the least thought through decisions. Right. I like it. In a good way. Yeah, it was cool. I love, I love especially in books like this of essays when you have like these little mile markers that you, it makes it more readable.

Well, I think it's like to me, I wanted to make sure the book felt like it was a hangout, right? There's stuff in the book that, you know, gets dark and stuff like that. And I think one of the things that's really interesting is like, like, if, We're talking and it's casual. We're not here with the cameras and whatever. I might be telling you a story that might go to a place that's a little difficult. And I feel like sometimes you can feel like people's but holes clench a little bit. You're like, oh, and then you get nervous and you kind of pull back your story.

And then you're like, I'm going to kind of shave it this way. And you're reading the person. And what I really wanted to do is like keep that fun casual thing. But then be able to like, oh, we can visit that. And then we'll get out of it. We'll go. Yeah, well, like, you can trust me to get in. and out, but I think sometimes in conversation, it's hard when you, because you're trying to

read how the other person is taking something and it's, you know, it's different, you know. So who's in your head when you're writing? I think I... Is your stepdad still alive? He is. I did a little investigation. So my mom married this man who, um, truck driver kind of surly looking dude. Look like he, like, wanted to get into a fight all the time.

Now, your parents had split when you were little. Yeah, my parents got divorced when. and I was three. They pretended to live together. Well, they pretended to be married until I was five. They created a ruse. Like a giant Truman show for me. That was, yeah, it was very nice to them.

And, but my mom remarried this guy. And I was writing this book and talking about, like, my time with him. But I was like, you know what? Maybe I will hire, like, a person to see what he's up to. Because, like, you know. Because he's out of the picture. He's been out of the picture since probably fifth or sixth grade. Like, you know, so he's been gone.

He was only there for a blimp. He was there. He was there for, like, some formative years. Yeah. Or maybe, oh, actually a little bit later, probably, like, like, probably eighth grade. Okay. So that's, those are big years. Those are big years.

Yeah. And so I just wanted to be like, what's up with this guy? Yeah, like, because I didn't know. And that was, so before I started writing, that was one of the first steps. Wait, so what did you do? you send some Google or you've got professionals. I got a professional person and my friend. So I haven't told the story.

So my friend does political research. So if you're going to run for office, she will that, you know, find everything out. Exactly. And so I was like, you know what? I'm going to start with her and just say, what would, how could I go about finding this person? She's like, give me a name and give me like four hours. And then I got this incredibly detailed report down to like a Google image of a house. And I was like, holy shit.

And she didn't, she's like, if you want me to go deeper, I will. I was like, well, any deeper we'd be inside the house. You know, I got it. I got enough. How funny they go inside the house and there's a picture of you. I was like, oh. But you know, I think it's like whenever you were writing something about. You know, like this guy is a, you know, he's a tricky guy.

But there was something about it where I was like, I just wanted to, it gives me like, not even power, but just, all right, I know this is. It's nice to know. Nice to know. It doesn't protect me in any way, but at least. Stop saying 100%. Oh, I'm really on 100% thing. I didn't even know.

I think I'm, I do it. Oh, I know. Everyone does it. It's a cancer out there. And I've got it, but I'm breaking out of it. I'm going to, I will not do it. it either. No, but you, you, I mean, just that little story, just the story of you playing Monopoly with him. Yeah. He was, like, he was a, he was a guy who could go from being very

gregarious to being incredibly violent. And, you know, we were playing this game of Monopoly and, you know, he lands on my property and I'm like, okay, well, it's going to be, you know, 375. And he's like, yeah, I'm like, I'm a young kid. I'm just playing, yeah, I'm just playing a game. He's like, do you want to charge me for that? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I want to charge It's 375. He's like, think about what you're doing. And it was like, I thought, okay, I don't, again, I'm a kid. I'm not reading social cues, right?

I'm just like, you owe me money. This is a fun game, game time. Like, you know, and he's like, think about what you're doing. And something has changed, but I don't know what. You think it's part of it. Yeah. Is this how adults work when they have real estate? Oh, I mean, I used to play Monopoly with a friend of mine whose dad was in the mafia.

And playing him, I would go into debt. I'm like, I'm giving him. money, he's giving me loans. I'm like, doing favors. When I would play with him, I was like, how do I lose all my money? I don't know. There's a bag man coming over here now. Like, you know, but when he says this, you know, this is like one of the first times.

He just reaches out across the table and starts to choke me. And again, as a kid, you're just like, I don't even know what's going on. And I'm like, oh, no, I don't want charger or don't want to charge you. And he lets me go. And then just rolls the dice. And then plays. keeps on playing. And I think that that was the thing that was so interesting about my child.

It was like, you know, you talk about like, oh, abuse and this. And I think one of the hard things I had reconciling about that time was like, abuse seems so overwhelming when you see it in movies and things that's like, oh, it's like big. Yeah. And this was like, it was mixed in with like Taco Tuesday. You know, it's like, oh, yeah. Oh, I got choked.

We played Monopoly. We went to get ice cream. And then he locked me outside. You know, it's like, you know, it's like, you're just kind of like on this roller coaster. And you're a kid and you don't know, you don't know what's weird or wrong. Right. Until someone says it. Like, now I'm an adult.

I understand what's weird and wrong. But as a kid, you just kind of accept whatever it's given. Yeah. And you're just trying to navigate through and make the best of it. Yeah. So you, like, if that happened as if I choked you as playing Monopoly, the game would be over. Right. But as a kid, you're like, let's keep going.

Well, yeah, okay. Oh, I guess I upset him. Did he land on your property? I mean, I didn't charge him again. I lost that game. But that way, you know, it was a, I didn't even write about this in the book, but one of the things we would do all the time was play baseball on our front lawn, you know, and two-person baseball, the most exciting baseball you can get.

You know, I'll pitch, you run. There's a ghost runner here, a ghost runner here. You know, a lot of keep a score. Get it out of the bushes. Yeah. And what he would do when we would play baseball was just, you know, it's me underhand pitching a softball. He would whack the shit out of this ball and it would go flying so far away. Like we lived on a street when I showed a picture of it to a friend.

They were like, oh, you live in a trailer park. And I was like, oh, and then I went back there. And I was like, oh, I understand the comparison now. It was not a trailer park. But we lived across the street from a state park, which I guess. sounds, it wasn't as exciting as all that, you know. It was basically a giant fence that blocked us off. And then it was just woods, just a place to get ticks.

Long Island woods. Yeah, Long Island Woods. And so you just whack the shit out of that ball and then send it over there. So every game that we would play would just last hours because I'd never get a chance to bat. Because he just, a home run. I'm like, then I go, take 15 minutes, find the ball, come back. He's gone. Yeah, he was like, yeah, I had to calm from that.

He's all right, I'll hit it again. Bam, all right, let's get it when you get the ball. Call me again. You know, so it was, it was, you know, but it was like, oh, this is just part of a routine, you know. And that, I think that that's interesting. And for a long period of time, my family didn't even want to talk about, talk about it, right? It was like, well, we don't, we don't talk about it. Like, we're not, like, when my mom.

Specifically him? Specifically him. Because it's like, it felt like a failure. Like, we don't, like, even with my mom, it was like, we're not, we don't talk about divorce. divorce, you know, like, and I was one of those to kind of age me. I was the only kid in my class who had divorced parents, right? So it's like, what was that like? Yeah, my God.

Now my kids are like, why won't you get divorced? Everyone else in my class is divorced. We were talking about that with my kids last night. They're like, it's like you and one other couple. Yeah, it's weird. It's like, why one parent teacher conference, it's not, there's not an audible iciness between you and my mom. But yeah, so it's.

So you didn't talk about it? We just didn't talk about it. And you know, and I realized like for a long period of my life, I never talked about it. I didn't talk about it with anybody because it was like it was kind of ingrained in you. Like we don't talk about it. Right. And then occasionally, you know, again, a conversation like this. It actually happened on Mark Merrin one time I was talking to Mark and he was like, oh, what about this?

I was like, oh, what about that? And I just said it because it's like, I'm not putting the wall up against it. And I was like, oh shit. I've never talked about it. this part of my life, right? I've just kind of eliminated it. Um, and that was kind of a, like, an interesting thing as an adult to be like, oh, I can take back, you know, there are all these words that are like, tricky. Like, I had a hard time saying the word abused. Abused is a, oh, I feel like, oh, abused. And you know, people are like, and they hear this or I want to get in there. I'm going to

beat them up or I want to do this. I'm like, man, it's not all like that. You know, it's, it's, yeah, there's definitely, there's a, it's a tricky place because it's so healthy that people are talking about stuff and putting stuff out and kind of expressing it. But there is, there almost is this triviality to it. At the same time, it's like, so what's yours? Right. So what's the sad part of your one-man show? Right, exactly.

And you want to walk that line where you're like, I don't want to get, I don't want to go to, like, I don't want to be that. And I think then some people will do a version of where it's like, like trauma dumping or just, it's like, oh, I don't need to go this much. Like, you know, you didn't need to pull back the full curtain. Like, let's keep a little show here. You know, it's like, you know, it's like. But it's an interesting thing, especially when you're writing a book because you're, you're letting your fans and people that are interested in reading and your story. You're letting them in and telling them the full picture.

Yeah. And in your, but you're also expressing, it's very much for you. You're letting stuff out. You're digging. And all of a sudden these things kind of pop up. You're like your, your instinct in the world. world is funny. Yeah.

You just always want to be funny. You have to be funny. You're always looking to be funny and you write to be funny. But then these things pop up and it's nice to actually dive into it. I think it's what I think it requires on some level. And this is for me. Other people can approach it in any way. But it's like I am, I think when you do comedy, you're aware of.

certain tropes, right? And I don't want to do these tropes. Right. But I also, like, can something be therapeutic, but not therapy? I don't want the book to be, like, I wanted the book not to be therapy, but like a reflection of therapy. Like, oh, I am actually okay to talk about this. I can get to a place where I can, it's not just me revealing, these are my journal entries of, you know, and it's like, there's a job, but there's a duty to kind of entertain. And I think in a weird way, that's a stuff that I relate to more too. It's like, oh, I'm, it's like, it's like, I think you get more when you're like, oh, I'm, I'm on this journey that has highs and lows and laughs and, in, and moments.

And I think that sometimes that often is replaced by just being like, here's my thing. Here's my deep, dark secret. And it's, and that's great. And it's great that people want to share it. But I also feel like there needs to be the balance of, share that with your family, your, spouse, but therapy, but also when you're giving it to be consumed, I think it also has to be entertaining on some level. Yeah, for sure.

And that's kind of what comes through. Yeah. What I've read so far is that even that monopoly story, it's you don't have to, you don't have to put anything on it. You don't have to tell people how to feel about it. You don't make a big meal out of it. You're not like, woe is me. You just tell this little tale of a little Paul playing monopoly.

and now a man is dressed as a cowboy and choking you. Yeah. That's it. That's just the real of what happened and it's impactful. Well, it's so funny because like my mom when she read the book was like, well, she was like, you could have gone darker. And I was like, oh, interesting. But it was like, and I was realizing too, it's hard for her to read it knowing the, it's like,

it's, you know, when people go like, oh, I like the book more than the movie. Like I think my, it was like my mom had the same reaction. Like, well, you didn't give all the, like, you didn't talk about when. And, you know, Harry Potter went to that place, you know. I wish that was in the movie. Like, my mom was reacting. My mom wanted like the, the, the, on that. I was like, you know, I think it's, yeah, but it's, I love, I think what I, what I, you know, what I, I just love the idea.

I respect good writing. I also just like, I like, I like stories. And I feel like I learned, I've learned so much, even from people who are very much unlike me, you know, like, you know, like, you know, I read Paris Hilton's book. And I love Paris Hilton's book. I love that there are parts of Paris Hilton. Seltland's book that I loved. And then there were parts where she's like, I've never drank in my life. I'm like, well, that's weird. I feel like we've all seen video. We never did it. Never did. And then the other parts are like so raw, you know, like Britney Spears was like, I was fine.

I was never had a problem. I'm like, okay. I'm like, you know, it's like. Keep digging. Yeah, I was like, now, meanwhile, Barbara Streisand, she didn't give you everything. She's like, And I like nuts and brownies. And I got to tell you, you know, people don't put nuts and brownies anymore. And that makes me mad. They have these nut allergies. And so I carry nuts with me. And if I get a brownie, I pop a nut in there just for my own.

I'm like, there you go. You got to find that balance. We have a thing on this program called an uncomfortable moment. Yes. And you've been very nice sharing your stuff with us. And, you know, you don't share everything, which is where. our research department comes. Oh, wow.

Okay, I can't wait. And this isn't really that uncomfortable. I have to say, of all the uncomfortable moments we've had on the show, this is actually the most fun one, I think. Let me just get it set up for you. I'm excited about this. Yeah, because you're in the new Twisters move. Twisters.

You're in Twisters. Twisters. And there's, I don't know if it's a rumor or not. Oh, I think I know what you're going. Okay. That you were one of the only people that was in the original Twisters. Yes. then you're at now in twisters. So this is, okay, yes, okay. And I, uh, we, so we looked into it.

Yes. And because it was people, yeah, sure, sure, sure. It's very unclear, which we'd love to get your answer. But we did find this original poster. And if you could explain what happened to it. All right. I, all right. This is, this is, uh, this is the way it should have been. The original poster was as I think Stephen Spielberg nixed it. Spielberg directly. Yeah, because I think what he was, he's like, you know what, Helen Hunt and, uh, Paxon there, star of the show. We want to keep Paul in the background a little bit. And so that's why in the... I mean, to be fair, it is in the background. I mean, I mean, it's, you know, look, it's one of the...

I do love this. This is a... I'm so glad to talk about this thing because I... I was directing a Super Bowl commercial in Oklahoma. Oh, all right, and I was on an airplane on a Monday night that was landing in Oklahoma around midnight. So an interesting fight, and first class was full. You know, you direct a commercial.

still went. And that's it. And when you fly, you know, I was expecting first class to Oklahoma on a Monday night. I didn't expect to be full. And then next to that, everyone in first class has these laptops out. And I look on their laptops and everyone's on final draft. I'm like, what's going on? Final draft is like, you know, a script writing thing.

I'm like, what's going on? So I said to my DP, I'm like, did you see everyone had final draft? He's like, yeah, I don't know what's happening. And everyone's in show. Yeah. I'm like, this is, we're going Oklahoma on a Monday at midnight. Like, who's, all right, what scripting is happening, you know? Yeah.

And the next day, I get a phone call and they're like, hey, are you in Oklahoma? And I go, yeah. It's like, well, the director and producer of Twisters saw you on the airplane. They want to write you apart in the new Twisters. No. And I go, yeah, sign me up, 100%. Sign me up. I don't even know what the part.

I'm like, I'm in. What do you need? And I go. I say to my friend that I'm there with, I'm like, who works in Oklahoma, I'm like, yeah, they want me to be in this Twisters thing. And she's like, oh, yeah, that's like a new Netflix show. I'm like, all right, cool, I'll be in Twisters. You're a Netflix show.

About dancing. Yeah, I was like, great, I'll be sure. And long story short, this director, who is a great director, directed at the movie called Minari, is directing a, not a Netflix show, but this giant blockbuster sequel. reboot, whatever you want to call it, of Twisters. And, you know, here I am. I'm getting the script. I'm meeting with the director.

I'm going to go meet with Glenn Powell. I have, like, I am in the final scene of the movie. I'm in it for about 25 seconds. And it was It's great. It's something else here now. Something new. From, exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King

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My daughter over there saw it and she was stuck. It's been, it's honestly of anything that I've ever done. I have done a lot of different things. This has been, I've never been in a movie that's made. made $80 million in opening weekend and man does it show because I've gotten phone calls. I got like 200 texts and emails like, holy shit. I was like people are like showing like screen grabs in the theater. People are, I'm getting like a little bit of applause break.

I'm like, what's going on? I was like I should just pop in. I should just pop in. It's like, hey. And yeah, it's like validated an entire career. I'm like, all right. Like I was walking down the street and people like the weekend it came out. Like the dude from Twisters.

I'm like, how do you even? put that together. Sure, like I'll take it. I'm not embarrassed. It sounds like it was pretty impactful, though. I mean, very, I think what's interesting is, like, the movie is over. And then I kind of just walk into frame at the last second. So great.

But so I do the red carpet, and no one knows who anybody is. These people are on the red carpet. They're just like, hey, what is it like? Twisters, twisters. And they don't know who I am. They don't know what part I play. Like, I could say, like, yeah, I'm the lead of this movie. Yeah.

And they would probably buy it because they've not seen the movie. Right. So, you know, I'm walking down the red carpet and this one person approaches, you know, she says, you know, what is it like to step into, you know, the world of Twisters? And I just said, well, I was actually in the first one. My mom was pregnant. And she was in one of the background scenes. And the director was like, we need to find that woman. And it found out my mom.

And my mom said he's become an actor. and they put me in the movie and that's it. So I'm the only legacy character that's in both films. And I just said it very offhandedly. And the person, like, yeah, yeah, of course. Right. I'm like, yeah. So it's cool on this thing.

And then it kind of took off. They're looking over your shoulder. Who's coming next? It took off. And it's so dumb because Twisters came out like in the 90s where I was in high school. And so there's one hand of people going like, holy shit, that's so cool. that he found this pregnant woman. And then there's another side of people going,

he's a liar. He's an absolute liar. He's older than that. And I'm like, like, do you really think that I was trying, like I was trying to pull up this elaborate lie? You're really doing it.

Yeah. So somebody actually, so somebody put this up over the thing. I mean, this is, I want to, that is it. So this wasn't an actual scene.

Well, what I'm saying is if you get the, uh, Blu-ray, you can see, you can see, see me, it's the cow goes up and I go up. But you have, they have a high resolution.

You got to get, you have to find Blu-ray. You got to get, like, one of those 8K TVs. Not even a 4K, like an 8K, you really see it. All right in there. Well, this is amazing. Congratulations. Oh, well, thank you so much. What a cool thing.

It was the most fun. Just walking on a plane. And here's the thing about that plane ride. I was disgusting on that plane ride. Like, I was not feeling too good. And you know, like, sometimes I'm like, I'm not traveling with anybody. No one's going to see me on this plane ride. and I was just, I had a little cold and I was snodding.

Like, I was in that zone where I have a box of tissues and I'm like, and I'll, A, I'm entering the plane with a box of tissue. And I plan to use it all, right? I'm like, put it in the seat back. Like, put it in the seat back. And I was just, if I knew I was sitting next to, like, a director of a $100 million movie, I would not be just sitting there snodding the entire flight, you know, just looking miserable, a hoodie.

but still it were they doing they were going there to well they were they shot the movie in Oklahoma so they had already started so what had happened was I shot the first Monday they were back from the strike the actor strike so they had shot a majority of the film and then the strike had ended and it was people getting back into production so it was the first day back and one of the fun things about it is one of the guys in twisters David Corrissent. He was cast. He's kind of like the dick in the movie.

But on the last day of filming before the strike happens, he gets cast as Superman in the new James Gunn Superman movie. So he's like, well, got to bulk up for that. So if you watch the movie closely, you will see this guy just being like, hey, I'm this guy. She's like, what's up, man? I've seen the movie twice now, and all I do is watch his biceps. and you see there's a discernible difference between that three-month hiatus

where the actors were on strike. He's like, you know, so there you can see which scenes were in the beginning and which scenes were in the end. It's amazing. Yeah, so, but yeah, I got this set and it was, they had written this little last moment of the scene and what was so cool about being in Oklahoma

was the, they had the entire buy-in of Oklahoma City. And even when I was there shooting my commercial, we got to do so much stuff. They were, like, I was like, is there any way we could change the lights on that building? And they're like, yeah, of course. I was like, I said it as a joke. I was like, yeah, maybe we'll just change those lights.

I was like, yeah, we'll do it. We'll talk to the bank. I was like, amazing. So they shut down the, I shoot my scene in the airport. They shut down the entire airport on a Monday morning from 5 a.m. in the morning to 3 p.m. in the afternoon. No. So you couldn't go like if you were dropping someone off, you had to go through the departures

or the arrivals area. But it was a fully functioned airport. But I was like, I've never seen the, it's an international airport. Just like, no, no, no, no one's coming in here. That's crazy. Yeah. That is amazing. And then, you know, like, and then I had to go catch a flight home.

So then because I was like, do you want to go back to your trailer? I was like, no. So I just got naked in the airport, took off my costume, threw on my clothes. I was like, no. Like I was like, why would I go back to my room? I don't go back in the room. There's TSA right there. Just go right through.

Paul says we can open the airport now. Yeah, let's do it. It was really, like, I mean, and again, it's just, I get it now. I get like, if you were the star of one of these things, it is, wow. Insane. What is like the biggest thing that you have done? Like in that, have you ever had like one of those things where you're like, oh, you got in a, like, this is like, you have a natural talent? You tore around.

You have giant crowds. You've been on TV. You've had your own shows. But is there ever been in something that you kind of like stumbled into and everyone's like, you're that guy? There's just the ease. I mean, not to that level, but, like, being in Soderberg films. Right. Like, they always come out and they're always cool.

Yeah. And all, like, the cool people get it. And everyone goes out to, and, like, Candelabro was, like, on HBO at the time. And it's just, I just love, it's so, it seems like so much easier. Oh, yeah. Like, to get applause and to do all the stuff you're saying of going and performing is such a big lift and you got to write it and do it. It's all on your shoulders. So this thing guy comes out

And you're just sitting at home on the couch And people are like, wow, you were great You're like, oh, why didn't I try and be a movie star? Well, it's like, it's this kind of crazy thing Because it's also like, and it also like You get the sense of people like validate you like, oh, you are cool. Like yeah, how did you get in that? Yeah, who do you know?

I did you do that? And then it's like, what did I miss? Like people feel like they've missed out on something. And it is, it's like, Yeah. And I found that people were, like, some people were angry. Like, how did you do that? What happened?

Why were you there? That's so funny. Like, as if I have not made a majority of my living as an actor. It's like, what fuck you get in there, man? Because I've been doing it for 30 years. IMDB, you jackass. But it is like this funny. Like, no, you don't belong.

Get your chocolate out of my peanut butter. Like, you know. But then people are like, I like this chocolate peanut butter. No, it's always. like a bizarre, it's a bizarre thing. Like, it's to, people get angry. Like, I talked to my friend Jack McBer, a lovely guy. And Jack McBrear has a very zealic quality to do him. He's, you know, been on 30 Rock. He's one of the funniest people. But he's also like at Joe Jonas's wedding. So, like, you'll see like a picture in People magazine. And Jack will be like, Jack said to me, he's like,

yeah, people always are like, what the hell are you? Like, they're angry. It's like, as if I can't have friends. You don't belong there. You love bread and you love pastas. You like pastries. you like all those things. Sometimes you even make those things or bake those things. But some days, you just don't have time. Like you're a comedian and you're coming off the road and your family's hungry and you want to give them stuff, but you've been away so you haven't had time to bake any bread. What do you do? You go into the freezer and you pull out a loaf of bread from wildgrain.com. That's right, because you started a subscription service with wild grain and they send you a box filled with beautiful pastas and pastries and breads, all different kinds of bread, sourdough breads,

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Wildgrave, thank you for being on board today's show. It's a very funny story I saw in one of the shows, I forget, maybe Colbert or Seth, I forget. And because when you do a book, the opposite of being in show businesses and having people throw sushi at you, is you are going to events where possibly 10 people will be there. And the bookshop is static. Oh, yeah. That you're there and ten people are there. They can't believe it.

How great it is. Yeah. But you did a thing, which, because I'm, the book world is very, very different. Very different and very puzzling. Yeah. And I was like, how do I get my book in the airport? Oh, yeah. I'm in the airport all the time.

I want my books to be in the airport. Of course. And then you find out how you get your book in the airport is to pay to get your book in the airport. and they will put it on display. But you went even to a further thing. You said, let me do a book event in an airport. Well, okay.

So I understand that, like, books are tricky, right? They're, like, it's not like the way that we grew up, like, where people are just hanging out in a bookstore, right? But you think, like, I'm writing a book. It's going to be everywhere. And then, like, it was so funny, the day that my book came out, I'm in New York City. I'm like, it's here.

It's the day I go to, like, Barnes &, Noble on 14th Street, the one I went to every time. I, where is it? And then, like, I talked to my publisher, like, oh, sometimes they don't open the boxes on the same day. I'm like, oh, oh, okay, yeah. And they're like, it's in the back. It's definitely in the back.

And then I talked to the manager, managers, yeah, we didn't open the books in the back yet. I'm like, okay, great. Hey, I'll be back tomorrow. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll get back to the next day. So, but before this all started, I had this idea, you know, where people are buying books

is in the airport. Can I go to the airport? And they're like, oh, no, no, no, no, you can't do that. And I'm like, well, why? I'm like, well, I mean, what would you do? I'm like, well, I just would go to the airport and do a book signing. And they're, no, no, no, no. And they've been so supportive, but they were like, no, no.

So one day, I just, I Google Hudson News and I hit Contact Us. And I go, hey, I'm Paul Shear. I wrote a book. It's coming out in May. I would love to do a book signing at LAX or JFK. Because my original idea was I wanted to go to every airport. I was going to fly across country. I can go to as many airports as I could.

And I figured, let me just start in JFK. And they wrote me back same day. And they're like, really? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, let's go. So it's like I get to JFK on a Friday morning at like 6 a.m. They have a little table and I set my books up and I'm there. And, you know, people are looking at me like, oh, is that the guy from the league?

Oh, he sunk so long. What? Is he working in the airport bookshop or, you know, or they think I'm handing out like religious paraphernalia. What is he doing? And then, you know, but then slowly and surely people were coming over, but what's hard about, and I think you probably have experiences as well, like if I say, oh, you got, Tom, you got to read this book, The Wager. It's an amazing story about this crew that gets lost at sea, right? And people, but people come up to me and like, what's about? And I'm like, well, me, but I'm like, I don't know how to sell.

Oh, it's an exciting. I want to be like. Well, it starts with me playing Monopoly. Yeah, I'm like, I don't know how to like. like sell, I said, I was a book about this. And,

you know, so I'm a hard time time selling it. And, you know, but I have like my little flyers and I'm, and I'm setting up there and I'm saying books. But I sold,

uh, I sold 60 books. Whoa. And three hours. That's a lot. And they were like, holy shit. And they went to LAX and they put me in the international terminal.

And people are coming in and I'm meeting people. And then there's this weird thing because people have, people either have a lot of time to kill in the airport. Right. Or no time in the airport. Yeah. And, and I'm going to,

experience both of those. Some people just coming up to be like, hey, what's up? I love this. I love that. Can I get a picture? Sure. Get a picture. See you. And I'm like, oh, wait, you want to get one of these? We're here. Let's get it. No, no. I can't. The people are like, I can't carry a book. I can't. I'm traveling. I can't carry a book.

And I'm like, okay. And then in LAX, they put a little candy bowl in front of me. And like, so people would come over and go, oh, gee or deli chocolate. That's a book about. And I'm like, oh, you know, they're coming over more for the chocolate. But yeah, I met the director of that documentary Steve, that documentary in two parts. Like, he was at the airport. Like, one person was like, hey, I euthanized your dog. I was like, oh, lovely to meet you.

Great to see you. You know, you never knew who you're going to meet. But it was, it was fun. Like, to me, it's, I love, I want to writing the book. I talked to one person early on there, like, well, I wrote the book. My job's done. And I'm like, no, with books, it's like, it's never. ever done. I think there was a relief. Like, I got a New York Times bestseller list, which was

huge. And then immediately fell off in the next week. But at least forever I can be, I'm a tagged. But you start to learn all these, there's all these things. It's like people are paying, like, you go to Barnes & Noble. There are books at the register. Like, it's almost like, you know, and you're like, oh, how do I get that? It's like, it's not because someone's like, oh, I really love this Bill Maher book. It's like, oh, no, yeah, this is, this is, this is, they made a deal. Yeah, this is a book by the thing. Yeah. And it's, and so I was like, the only way I'm going to get this book out is if I just try to do whatever I can do. So it's like, I'll go to airports. I'll, I went, I flew on my own dime up to Santa Cruz to do it at this thing. Because it's like,

because it's the best. And, and, and, and I've loved it. The only thing that's tricky has been, you know, the book, you talk about, you know, trauma, abuse. It's also, you know, it's a lot of different things. People come to it for different reasons. Yeah. And you'll be going through a line of people and people want different things from you. Right. And I've had some people coming up and as they start to experience, tell me what they got out of the book or what they start to share their trauma. And I want to be like super respectful of that.

And I'm actually, I am connecting with it. I'm like, oh my gosh. Wow, thank you so much. But then there's this moment where it's like, well, there's a line. And the next person goes. So this person, I've had multiple times where people are. like crying. I'm like, oh, I'm so, that, thank you so much.

And then they move around. I'm like, hey, hey, to the next person. And it's such a, it's such a weird gear shift. Because it's like, that person comes in and like, hey, buddy, can you write in here? Get the saco, you motherfucker. And I'm like, all right, yeah, you got it. I'm like, you know, pass it up. You know, so, but it's like, that's, that's been the hardest balance.

It's like, I want to respect and I am connected, but it is that I feel, I feel terrible. What I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, oh. Yeah, hang in there. Hey, buddy, what's up? I'm fine. Sure, I put on this fake mustache. Yeah. I made this bread for you.

I baked this bread for you. I was going to say this bread smells fantastic. From the moment I came in here, wow. It just came out of the oven this morning. Oh, wow. And I baked that for you, but you'll take that home and eat it. I'm so thrilled to do that. I was actually like, can I cut into this bread?

Yeah, no, you can. Okay. I want you to take it home. All right, I will. But it's, and it'll cut easier. tomorrow morning than it will tonight. Okay, great. So tomorrow is one, all right.

That's kind of prime time, but you can attack it. I love that you are breaking, that you are baking bread. And I also feel like, are you in a zone now where, like, when you look at this, you feel like, where does this fall on your scale? It's very good. It looks, I mean, because it looks, like, I'm looking at only from a structural point of view. Yeah. I'm like, I'm impressed with the, I'm impressed with multiple things about this.

You know, it's so fun. I've been doing it for, I don't know, 10 years or whatever. And I still, like, I'll take them out of the oven. I'll put them on the cooling rack. And I'll just, like, sit and admire it. And I'll be like, and I'll turn to as ever in my family, like, is in the house. I'm like, they're looking pretty good. And they're like, do I have to say yes for the thousands time.

Well, it's like, I do a lot of baking. I love baking. I, especially you're in the holidays, I'll do a lot of baking. Yeah. And, yeah, you want a validation that simply just doesn't come. Like, it's like, you know. You know, it's like, it looks good, oh, tastes good. And you, it's like the normal thing would be like, oh, that's, that's delicious.

Yeah. But you kind of need that like 15 more times. Like, can I just go back to that cooking? Yeah, it was really good. And that, you know, best, especially when you're cooking more than baking. Oh, yeah. Is just watching it disappear, watching people go off and eat it. My daughter made potatoes of grottin last week.

And I was, I had like this quiet pride because I was like, I know she's clocking it. she doesn't have to hear that it's good because people are just keep eating it and keep going back and there's not much left. See, that's, I think, the trick. And that, like, you know, so I also make just slightly less than there is to serve everybody. So it feels like that all the time. Oh, smart. Yeah. Yeah. What's your favorite thing to bake? I really love, I love cookies. I, like, like, I'm in that world. I'm not in the world of, like, design. Yeah. Like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, Jimmy Kimmel has given me a pancake recipe. That is, the pancakes are unbelievable.

But I've watched him maybe on Instagram and stuff, create these design, the Elsa design, it's a frozen. I'm like, God bless. Like, I will, like, he's like, you got to get these shooters for the thing. And I'm like, I'm just going to make the circular one. Like, that's where I, like, I love it. And it's great. Like, like, I want to make a good cookie.

I'm not going to be. Favorite cookie? Top cookie. Best reviewed cookie. Okay, well, to me, I am a, I'm a simple person. Like if you go like, if you go like what flavor of ice cream, I'm like, I want vanilla because I think the vanilla is the arbiter of like how the rest of your ice cream is. Like you have a good vanilla?

Yep. It's good. Like I'm just like I'm on board. Yeah. So for me, I make this chocolate chip cookie that people go crazy for because it's like, it's not going. This is a, this is an, you know, an amaretto, uh, gingerbread. I'm like, no, no, I, I think I, I, I center myself on food that people want. done well. Like I'm not, I'm not going to break the mold and be like, eat my weird thing with

human in it because I like, like, I just, I know what my job is. My job is to serve the masses. Like my kids would like it and my, and my older relatives will like it. That's where it comes to go. That's great. Be good at one thing. Yeah. I love that idea. Well, we do a thing here also called the taste test. Okay. And where we just try something out that isn't the finer things. Sure. It's just stuff that we find. And this one, I think, is perfect because you're writing a book about your life. Yeah. And there's some great stuff about your,

your childhood and stuff. And this taste test, I want to see, because I know you've had it. Yeah. Are they still good? Because I know when I was 12, I thought they were the bomb.

Well, okay, this is, okay, this is, can I look at this first second? Because this is really interesting. This is funnions. I think, hello,

nice to meet you. I, um, I've never had a funnion. I don't, what? Yeah, see, so funnions to me,

this is exciting. Were not, gross, but like it was the idea of like, well, why would I eat an onion? Right? Like, that's what I, that's when I look at this. I go, this, I'm eating onions? Like Doritos, yes, cheese. Like I, I, like, as a child, this daunted me.

Interesting. Like, I was like, I don't get it. I don't get what's happening here. It's so funny, because when I was 12 on my bike. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know why that never occurred to me. I guess because they put fun in it. it? Well, yeah, and I was like, are they trying to convince me to eat onions?

And it didn't, who's behind this? Yeah, who's behind? Like, it's like, that's for my parents. Like, my mom loves, it actually speaks to her personality more than anything else, uh, loves circus peanuts. Disgusting. Circus. Gross. Like, what, what is it? It's not even, it's like the, like the, like the texture of a, of a, of a hard marshmallow without the fun flavor of a marshmallow. You know, so, And it felt like, oh, this is like adults go to parties and eat this. This is like a crudete. Well, that's so funny because I used, I would eat them at the pool.

Okay. Regularly. Like, that was, it became my thing. Dr. Pepper. I love a doctor. I have had any, and, uh, and funyons. Now, do you see these sold on the street? Like, I see like funnions, like, the way that, like, you see fruit on the street sold.

Like, I feel like I see bags of things that look like funnions. And I'm wondering. Does funnians have more of a black market appeal? Like they're in a big bag. And I'm like, are those funnians? I don't know. I don't. Maybe they're the most easily producible chip.

Well, this will be fun because this is going to be a test of nostalgia. Okay. Because I haven't had them in forever. Okay, got it. And this will be a first time for you. I love it. So let's see how it goes. Now, I will tell you, I just saw in the back that a serving size.

Yeah. 13 of them. That is one. 13 pieces. 13 pieces for one of these. All right. I'm going to take two. Okay.

All right. I'm going to go. You're nervous. I'm ready for it. Now, my palate is grown, you know, so I'm okay with an onion. That's actually quite good. It's really good. It tastes like an onion.

I mean, it does, I mean, it is onion, right? I mean, it, like. Well, who knows? I mean, your eyes are probably better than mine. I'm trying to feel like, I mean, there's no real onion in here. The first ingredient is corn. meal. Okay, you know what it

tastes like to me? This is it. This is a blooming onion without the onion. It's like the crust of the blooming onion. This is the front, like it's like, oh, hey, you like

off. Yeah, this is, this is, and honestly, great job. Yeah, I don't see onion listed. No, no onion listed there. No. This is just.

A lot of corn. A lot of corn starch. I don't even know how you make it because it feels like It feels like this is what you've picked up out of the fryer. It's like, oh, we missed that part of the onion. It's like, it doesn't even say onion flavor, just as natural flavors. What is that? I'll tell you this much, because I do want to speak to you about as a kid.

Yeah. Is onion the flavor that you go to? Like my kids would, I'd be like, would you guys want to have onions? I never liked onions when I was a kid. Yeah. My kids would be upset about fun. This is different. I mean, obviously, it's not really an onion.

Well, no, but it's like... It's making me want to go make out with Rachel. Look, now I'm on board, too. That's a joke. I always think it's so interesting. I got... I've gotten into different snacks. The snack that has a true...

thing to me, like a connection to me. A combo. Combo, which I only can find an airport convenience stores. They don't seem to sell them anywhere else. Dusty bodegas. Yes, they've been there since we were kids. What's your connection to it? I thought as a kid, that was the smartest, coolest thing of all time.

It is a hollowed out pretzel with like nacho cheese or like pizza cheese in the center of it. And I was like, I am getting like cheese and, I don't even know, but that to me was amazing. I love them too. It's a good, it's a good snack that, and like Funnions, look, they're still making them obviously. Combo's, I guess they're still being made. But they, it's interesting when snack popularity goes, because I remember combos I felt were on top of the game. Like, how did they fall off? How did they, they, they had a couple summers where they had, they experienced with Taylor Swift experience this summer. That was it. Yeah, that was their Erestor. I got through.

But I'm always interested in the candy that stays, because it's just candy or it's snacks. It's like, so you're going to tell me that like a, like symphony bars were big when I was in high school. Like everyone was like the symphony bar. Really? Again, you can find a dusty symphony bar. You know, but like, you know, at one point I guess Mr. Goodbar was a big thing.

You know, now you can only get him as the mini ones. You know, it's like, it's like where do we find? And yet the Reese's. Oh, no. And the Snickers. Never go away. No, never go away. I fell victim to Snickers advertising in the dumbest way.

Because they go, oh, Snickers, it really satisfies. And I was like, oh, you grab a Snickers. It's like a meal replacement. It's not. It's a candy bar. And I always was like, I ate that Snickers. And it's still starving. It's like, yeah.

Because you just ate a piece of chocolate. Like you didn't eat a meal. But the advertising was like, it really satisfies. I'm like, oh, that's what I. Like, whenever I was hungry, I'd be like, well, like, I have to get the snickers. I mean, that's food. Yeah.

Well, you can take this back home with you with the bread if you'd like. I'd love to do it. I actually want to try it with my kids, too. I bet they'd like it. Yeah, we'll see. Yeah. How old are your kids? Seven and ten.

Oh, that's a sweet spot. Oh, actually, eight and ten. My kid just turned eight just last week, so I've been used to saying seven and ten. That's a great little space. We're having a great time. As a parent, I really did something I regret. Choke me during Monopoly? Yes.

And, you know, they took it. And now they never charged me. The, my son wanted a drum kit for his birthday. And my wife said, we got to get it. I said, no, we don't. Simply don't have to get it. He can just say that, and we never have to acknowledge that was said.

And she's like, no, we have to, we have to. And buying him a drum kit, I've never wanted to squash a dream in my life more than that. And I was like, you'll never play this. Like, I haven't, like, we got him a drum kit. I have not followed up about, like, I've not asked him if he wants to get lessons. I'm like, no encouragement. Let's let it sit in the corner. He likes to carry around the drumsticks.

I'm like, great. If that's what we're doing, great. Because I don't want to, like, subject myself to. But as a parent, I was the first time I ever, I want to support my kids and everything they want to do, but not that. My 10-year-old did say to me the other day, he said, you know, dad, I thought about it. if, you know, the NBA came to me today and asked me if I would, you know, go to one of the teams, I'd say no.

And I was like, oh, they're good. And he was like, yeah, because they're so much bigger than me. And I just wait until I'm old enough. I was like, yeah, that's, that's right. I love that he's thinking about it. Dad, it came to a decision. I'm so glad you got there. I was going to say something better.

I didn't want to get in your head. You know, it would have been great to me the first 10-year-old. old NBA player, but again. We had the moment when our kids were little and one of them was going to start playing soccer. And they didn't really want to that. Like it was just like a thing to do. Other kids were doing it.

All right, we'll sign her up for soccer. And the first day of practice, my wife came in the night before and said, do you realize that they want us to go at 6 a.m. and set up the nets? I was like, oh, really? And she was like, you don't have to do this, right? I was like, nope, no one's playing soccer. That, God bless the two of you because my wife and I are in it deep in the soccer world. Oh, you are.

We're reffing. We're coaching. There's no sleeping days anymore. My kids play so much sports. I'm always like up, drive into, you know, laguna to go to a basketball tournament, playing a soccer thing outside of San Diego. I don't even get the benefit of being in San Diego. And, you know, and, and, and, and, and, uh, and, and, uh, and, and, uh, and you're dealing with all these different kids.

And I, and I, I love coaching and parents and I kicked a parent off a field as a ref. Whoa. And that was the best feeling. Yeah. Right. I was like, I want, I'm the ref. I'm right. Get out of here.

Get the hell out of here. Wow. Yeah, because. Good for you. Because it was like, I mean, it sounds so silly to talk about, but it's like, you know, a lot of the time's, the whole idea is, have fun. Like, and that's what I do love about AYSO. It's like just make the kids want to come back.

It's not about like, you know, it's like we're building skills, but we're really building community and teamwork. Love that idea. Beautiful idea. So oftentimes, like if five kids show up for one team and the other team has like six or seven, they'll play five and then rotate in two more. Right. There.

It's nice. Yeah. So we had a team that had five and this other team had seven and they're like, well, we want to play the seven. And I'm like, well, but that's kind of like, it's seven on five. It doesn't feel like it's fair. It's like we're just having fun. They're eight years old. He's like, no, we're not going to penalize our team for their not having.

I'm like, well, it's not about penalize. Again, it's about a good time, having a good time. And he's like, and I go, and then look, I've done doing this for a while. Let's just have fun. The kids. Hey, yo, we'll swap them in and out. I say, if you want, give us one of your kids and we'll play six and six. Right?

And he's like, no, my kid's not playing. I'm like, all right, well, all right. Then we'll rotate. You know, I'm trying to give options. I go, I got a thing. He won't do it. And I go, I'm just going to tell you, it's kind of against the rules to do this. It's like now I'm trying to pull rank.

And I don't know if it's against the rules. But if I say it should be. If I say it like, because it's not against the rules. I look before I came here. And so I'm like, all right. And then I went to the head guy who stands around when there's arguments. And I go, is this? Because it's not technically against the rules.

He's like, but I wouldn't do it. And I go, look, the thing came down. It's not against the rules. but if you want to be a dick, you can definitely play. You can definitely do it. I was like, that's really what it is.

It really is about you. Because I was like at this point, you know, and he goes, he's yelling and yelling and yelling and I go, and you're saying a bad example for these kids. Yes, I definitely,

I poke the bear. But I also, yeah, but at the same time, I'm like, I'm also trying to protect a bunch of eight-year-old kids from being like crushed by,

you know, seven on six with no goalie. Things are happening. You know, it's like, you know, and, you know, I'm in the interest of the best interest. So he starts screaming

and I go like just like you're out of here. And I go, I go, that's something. I know it's in the road bug. I can kick you out of here. Because it's like, you can't set a bad example in front of the kids. You're setting a bad example. And I was like, one more word. One more word.

And then, and then he walked up and then one, and then he said one thing. And again, gone. Gone. So, so fulfilling. Got that guy walking. Oh, it was great. It was great. You have a thing in your book that when you talk about your wife and how you guys are,

rest of pals and stuff. And I love this thing that I don't know if it's like a formal thing or you were just saying that you kind of do it where you present scenarios of like horrible shit that can go down and how are you going to react kind of thing. We saw the trailer for that M-night movie. I think it was called The Cabin. And if you're not familiar with it, it's like it's a family on vacation. And then these like big intimidating people come to the house and go, hey, one of you,

has to, you either have to kill one of you or what, like, basically one of you has to die. And that's the premise of the movie, right? Who's going to kill themselves? And, and, and, and, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I said, my wife, we saw that trailer. I'm like, I just, I would kill myself. Just so, you know, I don't even want to get into this discussion because that would be a week long thing.

Well, who would we kill? I'm like, well, I can't kill the kids, right? So would you kill me? I was like, no, I'm not going to kill you. I was like, I'm going to, you won't have to kill me. I'll shoot myself in the head. You know, I'm like, I'm presenting these scenarios because she's always like, what's our escape plan? What's our exit plan?

And meanwhile, we had an earthquake here in Los Angeles just the other day. And, you know, we should have a meetup spot. We should have everything. And my wife didn't even stop working out. You know, like, it wasn't even a check-in. And then later I go, did you feel that earthquake? She's like, oh, yeah, I thought you fell down the stairs. And I go, and you didn't even check in on me?

You didn't even check. Like, we have so many escape plans here. You didn't even check in. She's like, I just thought you fell. I was like, all right. So it all goes out the window very quickly. But, yeah, we always are, she got mad at me the other night. We're in bed.

And she says to me, she's like, maybe we should leave L.A. Maybe we should leave L.A. And I'm like, you know, I think it's a conversation. Not a bedtime. Yeah, not a bedtime conversation. I'm like, oh, well, why? And she's like, well, I don't know. Maybe, like, you know, it would be better for our kids.

If we're not in L.A., I'm like, I'll entertain this as a, you know, a casual, like, fantasy conversation. It doesn't make any sense in any realm why we would do this. But I'm like, I'm engaged. And she's like, well, where do you want to go? And I was like, well, we could go here. We could go here, I guess. And then the conversation was going on. She's like, well, which place do you think?

Which one would you actually? And I go, I don't know. She's like, no, no, no. It can't be that. I'm like, why are we making this decision at 11 o'clock at night? Like, we don't need to like, be like, Portland. We're going to Portland. That's it.

Pack to back. Get out of here. But everything has presented in this way. Like, we got to, we got to commit. Like we've did, like, the worst decision you could possibly make at 11 o'clock on a Wednesday night. It's our last night in L.A. Yeah, what brought you to, what brought you to Portland? Well, my wife saw a show at the pantages, got really bummed out about just living in L.A.

It's like, we got to get the fuck out of here. So we moved to Portland on a whim. We had to decide that night. We had to leave. That's why I don't see off-broadway theater. It is so funny, though, in a marriage like that. It is just you're, you're, there's so much of real stuff to deal with. But then there's also just a ton of fake scenarios that probably will never happen.

It will never happen. And then you're forced to have an opinion on a thing where I'm like, it's not going to have. We're not going to have a man come to the house and ask because one of us has to kill each other. It's not going to happen. But yeah, you have to be prepared for it. I think my way of dealing with that now is to be, it's similar to the way I deal with my children, to be very like direct and concise.

Like, you know, where do you want to live? Michigan. Just, like, I don't hesitate. I was just like, that's it. Who are going to kill? Me. I'll be the one. I'll shoot myself in that.

I don't, I don't think about it anymore. And I think that that will help me escape, escape any of this stuff. Where should our meetup point be in the earthquake? The library. Go. It makes me feel more in control. It's so great. People can get the book wherever they get books.

Wherever they get books. Did you do the audio? I did the audio book, which was a blast. And I've added like a bunch of fun extras on the audio book, which is a lot of fun. I love audiobooks. I wanted to kind of make it special. One of the things that was interesting,

I don't know if you felt this or you experienced this. Do people say to you, Tom, did you write this book? They asked me that all the time. Oh, really? Yeah, like, oh, did you write this? I'm like, yeah. Well, who?

I'm like, why I wouldn't? And then I realized that there's a giant part of this world that is, people are not doing it. And the people record my audiobook, They're like, oh, yeah, yeah. We're reading books of people. They're reading it for the first time. They're like, I would never say that.

I'm like, wow, he's got to that point. That would never say that. That's crazy. Yeah. And now AI is just going to write them all. Oh, I mean, like it's already happening. I mean, that's it. You know, it's like you'll have a whole more interesting history.

Yeah. But yeah. It's so crazy. I just think it's such an interesting, like, ego thing to be like, I want a book that that has my name. It's my book about my life. but I want to write it. It's so weird.

It's like, did you ever hear this story? And I'm sorry, I know you're wrapping up, and I'm derailing you. Sylvester Stallone did a movie called Cobra, right? Which was based on a popular paperback novel. So when he started to make that movie, he said to the author of the paperback novel, maybe you should the novel say by Sylvester Stallone, the novel. And the guy's like, well, no, no, I wrote the book. He's like, yeah, but it will sell more copies if you put my name on the book.

And I was like, wow. Like that to me That is what I think about all the time Like still on me like Yeah put my name on the book I wrote the book Like well no you often the book You write the movies

Like yeah I wrote the book And like it also like existed before It wasn't like Like who you fooling it would be like Yeah it's my book And it's like it's so bizarre I wrote Huckleberry Finn It's mine

I adapted it is mine Yeah the fence thing was Om Twisters Go see it Out on your greatest work. Last question.

Are you surprised by how much the funions lingers in your throat after you eat it? Oh, it's chemicals. It's still there. Oh, yeah. I mean, and I had a lot going on in the back of my throat. What's interesting about it is it's something to produce a cough. You're definitely going to try to coughing it up. But yet it's one of those things, and this is the specialty of things that are heavily flavored like that.

You want to go back to it. It's like, will I continue to get this? Like, yeah, yeah, you will. It will still be stuck in here. Like, it's like, well, like, it's like, the only way through it is more of it. Right now. It's like, you know, too late now. Got to finish this whole bag.

I spent a dollar on it and I must eat the whole thing. Yeah. We had a thing of, of cheese. It's not cheese. It's, um, cheese doodles on the, on the counter. Oh, yeah. And it's like, someone's got to get these out of here because there's no, but I don't know anyone strong enough not to put their hand in that bag every time they come in the kitchen.

Oh, yeah. I have a cupboard that is just full of potato chip bags that all of them have a little thing on it. Whatever your fancies. But I think that that's my way of avoiding downing a bag. I'm like, if I have a lot of options there, I'll take a couple. I'll take a couple and then I'll walk away. And then that's it. But if I feel like there's only one option or I feel like I don't get it enough,

and then I'm like, I got to eat the whole thing. All these Doritos are mine. Congratulations. Thank you so much. So great to hang in with you. I'm so excited to. been here with you and to get this bread. Well, I'm equally as excited to sit in those special balcony seats at the quarter's

game. I cannot wait. I cannot wait. And then we don't have to switch seats. And I'll tell you this much. We'll enjoy the game and I'll bring you to a game where I feel like maybe we'll win. Or maybe I'll be less invested in it. You're the best.

The best. Thanks. We got it, Joe.