Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 232 - Jimmy Kimmel

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Jimmy Kimmel and Tom Papa turn into two old Italian men on this week of Breaking Bread. They talk preparing the Feast of the Seven Fishes, the San Genaro Festival, and making Zeppole in the back yard. Jimmy talks about celebrating 20 years of Jimmy Kimmel Live! and the chaos of the shows first days. The pair talk about today’s insane political climate and how comedy makes everything worth it.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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the show to be canceled because it was so hard. It was five nights a week from 9 p.m. to 10 p.m. I was there all day long. I was there to midnight every night. I had two young kids. I was going through a divorce. I was surrounded by people who didn't, like me, did not know what they were doing.

I just, you know, I'd hired all my friends and my family, and I couldn't quit, you know. Like, I couldn't quit because, they would all be mad at me. But they could cancel us. But if we got canceled, it's another thing entirely. I guess it's the same mentality

as when I'm feeling nauseated and I want the plane to go down. Right. It's breaking bread. I have thought about getting a skunk. Because, first of all, they're beautiful. If you really look at a skunk, they're a nice-looking animal. There's somewhere between a dog and a cat,

which I don't want any of these things, but you can take that gland off of their body. I mean, you have to have a professional do it. It's not like you can do it in the kitchen. But you can do that and people do have skunks as pets. And I wonder, do skunks, they probably don't ever get sprayed by other skunks, right? Right. If they did, that would be weird. It would be weird. So that might be the safest animal for you guys to get as a skunk. I tried to trap the skunk. You did? Yeah, we, I had a professional come and he had one of those, one of those like, you know, wire, like rectangle trapped. A little

A little skunk prison. And we set it up in the back. And I hear it, I'm like, oh my God, we caught a skunk. And I'm like, he's probably spraying like crazy. And I come inching up. Our pug is in there eating the peanut butter. Not even understanding that he's trapped.

Just so happy that he has peanut butter. Well, you know what? That's interesting. I have wheat. Well, I haven't trapped anything, but we've had that situation where, possums, you know, he trapped the possum. Weird.

And then the guy assures you that it's going to be handled, you know, humanely and you know it's like he's dumping in his bathtub or something like that. We're taking them upstate. It'll be all right. No, no, I'm just going to drown them in a, in a trash can outside my apartment complex. But the best thing about trapping an animal like that is when you're with another person, they are at, you know, when you approach, that approach that you said you do, you approach the animal in the cage is the best time to go,

and I have a friend who was like, we got the, we got the possum. He was at my house. I was like, oh, okay, let's go check it out. And he creeps up to the cage and he went, and he jumped like, I had to have him, the fireman come get him off the roof. My uncle used to do that with me.

We would go crabbing at the Jersey Shore, and I would have to carry the buckets and stuff. And every single time, he would come up behind me and jiggle the bucket. every single time. I'm that uncle for sure. I love it. I don't know what. This morning on Amazon,

I bought one of those snakes that has a string attached to it. Yeah. You clip on in the back of somebody's jacket. And then they turn around and you go, hey, is there a snake? And they turn around and then the snake's chasing them.

I watch this with my seven-year-old son and we just, we laugh until we can't breathe anymore. And I am more than I'm going to kill someone. Like I do feel like there's a ten. 10% chance I'm going to kill somebody with, you know, something. Yeah, they're going to go through like a sliding glass door or something or have a heart attack. Then I'm going to have that moment.

Oh, I didn't even think about the glass door. And then I'm going to have that moment where I have to decide whether I'm going to put that video on the show or not. Like if it ends in death, do I try to cover it up and do I hide it? Probably. Depends how funny it is. I have an 85-year-old Aunt Chippy that I pull a lot of pranks on. In fact, I'm looking at your Marlboro cigarettes here. And on her 85th birthday, this is.

is something I used to do to her all the time when I was a kid. Like every time she came over to our house, I got these cigarette loads, which are the people don't really know what these are anymore, but they're little pieces of wood and they're explosive. And you put them in a cigarette. You gently put them in, you with like a paperclip. And then when you smoke the cigarette, the cigarettes explode. And I hadn't done it to her for a long time because they don't really make cigarette loads anymore. And but I found a stash on eBay. And I ordered them in advance. And for her birthday, her 85th birthday, I gave her a pack of cigarettes. I wrapped them up.

It actually came from my kids. I wanted to get them in on the prank. And she's like, oh, you know, that's funny. Whatever, cigarette. She goes home with my cousin that night. And I said to my cousin, you got to get video of her. I actually posted this on my Instagram. And sure enough, and she lost, we've watched this video.

She said, I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I know it. That little asshole, he ruined the whole night. And now my seven-year-old calls me that little asshole. That's amazing. That little asshole.

It's the best. But I love it. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just love seeing people frightened. I love that jolt. I like to see how people react for real, you know? Yeah, the jolts that you had when you had the cutout of you in the show. Oh, the wax figure. The wax figure.

That was my cousin Mickey. She filmed her mother. Oh, yeah. were great. Just the way the karate moves that everybody has when they're scared. It's funny. Some people are super jumpy. And I think you teach yourself that in some way. Yeah. Like your laugh is a laugh that you've adopted in some way, right? Yeah, you've kind of created it. Yeah. And in a way, I think how you react to being startled is like planned in a way. You know what I mean? Yeah, a little bit. And some people plan to react in a big way.

I don't. Do you? No, I just have a little death. Just like I feel like all my organs squeezing together. And I know that like if I go on a roller coaster, I know like four to five days have been subtracted from my life as a result of riding that roller coaster. Yeah. And I think comedians, their view of that is I'm losing four days of my life. And yeah, it's about how it's supposed to go.

You know what I mean? My wife and I were in a plane and it made some really weird moves. Everyone was screaming. And she looked over at me and I was like, yeah, this is about right. And she was like, you weren't freaking out. You were just like, yeah, this is when death comes. I saw it coming. I'm weirdly calm about that too.

I've been in a couple of airplane situations where people were, you know, had to land because something was wrong and people were really. And I thought, wow, I wasn't, I was not nervous at all. In fact, if I get air sick, I get motion sickness. I have had many occasions where I'm throwing up on a plane. I go, please will this plane crash and end my life? I'll take it.

Do you get like the vertigo, like the ear, the spinning? Is it that thing? Not the spinning, but the vomiting. The vomiting, really? The vomiting, yeah. Oh, that's awful. And it's weirdly embarrassing, you know? Yeah, you're throwing up.

I can't go on the teacups. I like, even just watching people spin around bothers me. What about driving? Like if you're a passenger. Oh, that's no good at all. I need to drive. I have to be the one who drives. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. And the electric cars make it worse because there's a lot of golf cart style jolting, you know? All right. Thank you so much for being here. This is such a delight. Should we? So happy to see you.

I think we've been rolling for a while. But I brought you something. Oh, really? I was so happy that you were coming on. And I normally bake bread for my. guess, but I was in New York last night. Gotcha. So I got from Lodge Bread, which you'll go home with. It probably would have smelled like a skunk anyway, right?

Wouldn't have been good. So forgive me for not baking your bread. Oh, that's all right. That's all right. Thank you. I got this for you. That's very kind. But last night, I was in New York. I was walking back from the comedy cellar, thinking about seeing you today. And I was upset about the bread. And then I see down some avenues, some lights, like carnival lights. and I realized, oh, wait a minute,

I think the San Giro Festival. Oh, yeah. It's September, right? It's got to be San Giro. And I went into my room, took my shoes off, lied down on the bed, and I'm like, look it up, and it is the festival. And I got to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I'm like, I got to just get to sleep. No, I'm going to do this. I'm going to go see if there's something for Jimmy at the San Gennaro Festival. Wow. got up i put my shoes on i went marching out it was like uh you know not that far half mile or whatever and i was so excited i haven't been there since i was a kid and i found and you probably know this from your italian heritage uh the tarone oh the tarone yeah right yeah now it's a little

you know it's not very attractive oh it's yeah it's actually nice looking yeah thank you very wow look at that and i have uh yeah i might taste a little bit of a This, look at where it came from. Look at the... Oh, wow. Look at that giant brick. First of all, did you try it? It's delicious.

It's so good. Secondly, it's almond. It's beautiful. And look how they break it up. With a hammer. With a hammer. They take a hammer. They put a knife in it

and take the hammer and start... It's not even like a culinary hammer. It's like a Stanley hammer. Like a Cedar's hammer. Is that amazing? That's great. Thank you very much. You're so welcome.

I was so overjoy. It's worked out perfectly. I'm on an all-carbs diet right now. Can I keep the bag so I can protect it? It's all yours. Thank you. Yeah, I love the feast. I had, you know, as you know, I used to, I created the Feast of San Gennaro here in Los Angeles for 10 very long years before we stopped doing it.

It started in my backyard. It was primarily to make Zeppelis, which would not have traveled well. you made the right choice. Yeah. I know there was a lot of other stuff. People don't know what Zeppelis are. There's just like little golf ball sized donuts with powdered sugar on them. And they're light and when they're made well, they are absolutely delicious.

Heavenly. And so I would make Zeppelies in the backyard and my Italian friends would make other things that were like calamari or whatever, things that were. Sausage and peppers. It's a big one. And we started doing this. And then somebody thought, well, why? not make this charity event. And so we started doing it in the parking lot behind the, behind the, like, I forget what

records building where Sinatra reported. And then it became, and we moved it to our parking lot when the show started. It's so great. And it was, um, I missed these years. Yeah, it was fun, but it was a huge pain in my ass. Was it? Yeah. And ultimately, we, I think, raised like, um, $8 for charity over the court.

I mean, it was so, it was so expensive. And we're also, it was an outdoor festival. So if it rained, we were doomed. It was a financial disaster. One day. Yeah, if it rained, we were screwed. Not that it rains a lot here, but we're always worried about that. So eventually I said, you know what, 10 years was good.

Yeah, good on you. That's so great. When I was walking down last night, I've been trying to cut some weight recently. So I was, and it was late, you know, FYI to anybody out there, you can keep the things open until 11, which is pretty good. Not a great time to eat sausage and peppers. No, no. But also a great time to eat sausage and peppers.

If you're a little drunk, just a little drunk, you really could enjoy yourself. I wonder if people even know who haven't experienced this because sausage and peppers is not something anybody really orders in a restaurant, but a sausage and pepper sandwich sandwich, which there's something that happens in that process that turns the olive oil orange. And it is like you just drink. It's thick and it's orange and it's hot and it's so good. Oh, it's the best.

It's like just heaven. You ever see the movie Fatso? Yes. You know, this is going to turn into that. You're right. We're tearing the cabinets, the doors off the cabinets to get at the food. I know. Well, I've told you this before.

and I think about you often because you had this great thing other than the festival. You would do Sunday football parties. Your buddies would come over and they'd watch football and you would cook. And I always just love that idea. I do it in my life all the time, not just football, but just always cooking for large groups of people. And you said something in an interview that it calms you down because then you don't have to socialize as much. Right, yeah, yeah. You get to sit there, which is a weird thing that I have too, which is you love them,

you want them there. But I can't be in the conversations the whole time. If I'm tending the sausage and peppers, I have an activity. I think there are a lot of things like that. I think taking the guy who's taking pictures at the party, which is always appreciated because like, yeah, we never get any pictures, you know. That person is just kind of looking to have something to do that doesn't involve talking to people and just like really making pizzas and looking into that pizza oven is it's almost like you're not at the party

while you get credit for being at the party but you're not there yeah exactly like you were participating i do christmas eve i do the seven fishes at christmas eve you do yeah and you're working the whole time i mean you work harder that day especially getting all that seafood out at once you know i know but i oh god i'm so glad to hear you that you say this because um i'm already starting to think about Christmas Eve and what I'm going to do, what I'm going to make. Previous to last year, I would make 20 something fishes. It wouldn't be seven fishes. But I would make so many things.

Every creature from the sea, everything you can imagine, I would make that. But last year I said, you know what? I'm going to challenge myself and also hopefully make this a little bit more manageable. And I'm going to make seven fishes because it is the feast. seven fishes. Yeah. And I was getting really crazy. So last year I did that, I made seven fishes, and it would, first of all, it's fine. Seven is enough fishes for everyone. Yeah. But it was really, it was great. It was better. So tell me what you make. I'm so, um, interesting. My favorite is the calamari salad. The cold calamari salad. Mine too. I love it. When you chop up the celery with even the

leaves. Yeah. And let the red wine vinegar and the oil, just, marinate with the garlic. Yes. That is, and the good thing about it, not a big crowd pleaser. That's right. And the olives, black olives. In my family, there will be like five people who feel the same way about it. Right. I used to work at this. My first job, I was 14 years old, I worked at a place called coastal seafood in Las Vegas. And one of my jobs was to like mop up and throw everything. It was the most disgusting job I've ever had. But I think it was the first time, first day I was working there, they were like, throw out the calamari salad. It's, you know, it's at the end.

And I secretly, I don't know why I secretly did this, but on my way out to the dumpster, I grabbed a big spoon and I was just shoveling this almost expired calamari into my mouth. I just wanted it so badly. That's a good one. You know what is a real, is not a cloud, crowd pleaser. Yeah. Or a cloud pleaser. is the baccala, the salt cod.

No one likes it, including me. My father loves it. Yeah, it's one of those things. You wonder if he really loves it or he just didn't know better and it just became something that flavor he has to have for Christmas. Yeah, he sticks to it. There's not one person in my house that will even taste it in my family. I don't like it.

I don't make it. I don't make it anymore. I made it the first two years and I realized like, what am I doing? Yeah. You know it would be a good thing, one of my favorite things, and it's just triggering it, which I've never made, is the pasta with the fish eggs. Ah, yes, the Batarga.

Batarga. Yeah, right. Have you ever done that? No, that's not, that wouldn't be appreciated in our house. That's too fancy for us. It's so good. Yeah, I love it. It's such a great dish.

I love it. I think it's a Venetian dish. Yeah. So I'll make, now there are people in my family who won't eat fish, but I don't make, I will only make seafood, and then I'll make some vegetarian. So I will make a lasagna, which is... That's what I do too.

Far and away the favorite thing there. Everybody loves it. I make four. Four lasagnas. Two veggie and two meat. I go all... My lasagna is as Italian-American, traditional as it comes without the meat, though. I make...

It's just four kinds of cheese, red sauce, that's it. Right. And no meat. It's really great. No meat because I would, you know, on... I feel like... Like it's not right. It's the Catholic, right?

Oh, man. It's like kind of part of the deal. Yes, you're not. That's the whole reason you're eating fishes is no meat. So I'll make that. I'll make a different pasta each year. I usually now because I figured out I rotate the pauses from one year to the next. So I may, I'll make either a newty, which is delicious.

It's mostly ricotta cheese. It's about 90% ricotta, 10% flour. And then I'll boil them and then fry them in butter. and that nice brown mark on them. Oh, God. Nudy with lobster. Whoa. And this one, actually my buddy, Adam Perry Lang, who comes over and helps me, he makes a clam pasta using little shells, though.

Oh. Because, you know, we have a lot of people. So, you know, traditional linguine and clams doesn't work so well with a lot of people. But with the little shells and the shells will, you know, capture a little bit of the sauce. And it is. That's crazy good. Just like a clam sauce? Like a...

A clam sauce, yeah. We will make one big fish in my pizza oven. That's what I... Oh, you have a pizza oven. Yeah. Make one big fish in there. We made a turbo once year. One year a huge turbo.

We'll kind of wait until the last minute to figure that out. I don't know turbo. A turbo is a big flat fish. It's like the fish you see when they draw a cartoon about radiation in a lake, you know? Yeah. And we sliced that and then filled it with breadcrumbs and butter and garlic. And I'll make the calamari salad. I'll make a shrimp cocktail.

I have clams on the half shell, oysters. And these things I've had the limit now because of the seven fish limit. But it's, yeah, I don't. Escarole always. Escarole? Yes. That's something that in our family always escherole. It's almost like a spinachy.

Yeah, it's somewhere between lettuce and spinach. It's a little bit bitter. Right, with beans. There's some beans in it. That's right, yeah. My grandmother would make that. Yeah, exactly. It was something my grandmother made, so we have to have it.

Oh, another one is take anchovies and wrap them around peppers. Take the anchov. They're small, and you put toothpicks in them and let them all marinate. Nice. But just anchovy wrapped around pepper, and the pepper's stuffed with something. maybe cheese. Oh, that's a good one. I have these anchovies that,

Frankies from Franks and Franks, you know, Frank's restaurant in Brooklyn. Yeah. They gave me this jar of anchovies. They're packed in sunflower oil for seven years. And actually, they're peppers. Sorry, they're peppers with an anchovy stuffed inside the pepper. Oh, man, oh, man.

And they're very crisp. They taste as if they've been fried, even though they haven't been fried. and they are absolutely delicious. So I'll usually put those out for a special occasion. That's so great. And you just have a giant thing of it. So you just,

you've got it for a big jar of it, and then I'll get more jars as needed. But it lasts for a while if you keep it in the fridge. Isn't the, I mean, just talking about it's so exciting. I mean, we're in September coming in October. My wife would be so happy if I stopped doing it. I know, mine too. She just like, okay, you're occupied for four days.

I got a, you know, the kitchen smells like fish. I don't really like any of this food. My wife is Irish, so, you know, they have no dishes. Or taste buds, frankly. We'd like to thank the good people at Quince for sponsoring today's program. If you spend a lot of time cooking at home, it's time to elevate your game. When your cookware actually feels good to use and is thoughtfully made and looks beautiful on your counter, it just makes the whole experience better.

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head to quince.com slash papa for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in canada too that's quince q you i nc e dot com slash papa p a pa for free shipping and 365 day returns quince dot com slash papa but i love it and there are a few people there are just enough people in my family who really appreciate it worth doing. And when you shop for it, that's such a great moment. When you go out and you start going to your little stops where you know where you're getting each thing at each place. I am so dialed in on where I get everything. I have a seafood delivery every year on Christmas Eve. I mean, it's great. Oh, perfect. Oh, really, it just makes my heart sing. And it's nice because it

makes the whole house smell like fish on Christmas morning. Like spoiled, spoiled fish on Christmas morning. And that's the other thing. We're too. We're too. guilty to hire anyone to clean up. Oh, really? So then, you know, we'll clean up and it's like, it winds up being like three in the morning. Three days of work leading up to, I don't know, 14 minutes of eating and then another four hours of cleaning up after that. I would let that guilt go because there are people I've learned who want to work on Christmas

Eve because they're here. Yeah. Their family isn't around. And we bring them in, make them family immediately. We're going to do. We are going to do it two nights before Christmas Eve this year. Oh. And just treat it as Christmas Eve and give everybody a break. Wow, that's nice.

That's a good thing to do. Yeah. We make them family. We bring them in. Like, as soon as they get there, we're just in love with them. Yeah, they're family until they're washing the dishes, you know, and then they're all of a sudden. And we help out a little bit, but man, the load is so much. Oh, when you get to go to bed, like at one, two o'clock and the place is spotless.

Oh, it's worth it. Well, I know you're right. And I will feel okay about it a couple of nights before Christmas Eve. Yeah. But it always feels weird. Are you doing it? Even going to the store on Christmas Eve, like, you go in the supermarket and you're like, this place shouldn't be open.

And you go, oh, yeah, it's open because of me. Yeah, exactly. There's that place in Burbank, Monty Carlo, Monaco, in Pinocchio. Yeah. Oh, the line. Oh, it's crazy. Yeah. It's so insane.

But everyone's so happy to be in that line. Like, you know this is just like... That place smells like that place is supposed to smell. It smells like a New York Italian deli. It's when I stopped trying to be a vegetarian for a minute. Oh, you did. I walked into there and was like just the Parmesan and the prosciutto hanging from the ceiling. And I was just like, what am I doing?

What am I doing? I'm disrespecting all my people. That's right. I can't do this. I cannot. eat this stuff. It's like smacking your grandmother across the face. Yeah, with a pepperoni stick. It's so cruel. Oh, man, this is so exciting. Yeah, Monte Carlo Deli. I've spent many, I've spent a lot. By the way, those lines are long,

not just on Christmas Eve. Any Saturday, you go in there. When I was making food for everybody on football Sundays, that was my usual Saturday. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to go in early. Try and get, try and be like one of the first people when doors open. God, if you can get to know, That's good. Yeah. The other one is Bay Cities in Santa Monica is a great, great. And they have great. You know, their sandwiches are so good.

It makes you wonder, why am I cooking? Yeah. Or why can't I make a sandwich? Yeah, right. You know what I mean? Yeah. There's something about that sandwich, too, that Godmother sandwich. That there's a, you know, a dressing on that sandwich that I'm not, I don't know what is

in there, but it's a color that it's like in that orange family that the sausage and pepper. Yeah. And it's just delicious. Oh, it's so good. We had those, we did a beach show for our radio show. Joe's a producer on the radio show. And we brought them to the beach.

We couldn't do radio because we all just got quiet. Yeah. We just were just all eating for 20 minutes. I have trouble doing cooking segments on my show because I take it so seriously. It's weird. There are certain things that it's impossible to, for me anyway, to be funny while they're happening. Right.

And like fishing is one of them. Like when I'm fishing, I'm so zeroed in on fishing. I don't even want to talk. I'm not, there are no jokes, nothing, you know, whatever. I'll sit down and I'll have a little conversation with my fishing guide or whatever. But for the most part, I take it so seriously that I can't, I can't fool around. And for me, cooking, it's very hard because I'm so interested in the job at hand. Absolutely.

That I'm not like with so many other things. Like, yeah. I don't care about it. this. I'm gonna, you get it's like going, you have to go to like driver's ed if you get a ticket. And yeah, they're like, okay, well, I'm going to make this more interesting by fucking around the whole class, you know. It's just making jokes. I don't have that with cooking. Did you end up going to Italy with Howard? I did, yes. You did. Yeah. I had seen a clip that you were, he was, all of his funny anxiety about going. Yeah. But I never heard if you actually went. We did.

He spoke about it on the air and he said that, um, he said that, um, he, he was, he, He said, I know this is going to disappoint people, but we just really had a good time. And we, you know, we had a lot of fun. And it's true, we did have a lot of fun. That's great. But there was a lot of anxiety leading up to it. Not for me. I didn't, you know, I was like, I was like, listen, this goes one or two ways.

Either it goes great and we have fun or it goes, goes terribly and it's funny. Yeah, right. My wife was nervous about it. She wanted to make sure it was everything was perfect. And the most nervous was Howard's wife because she knew that if it didn't go perfectly, there would never be another vacation. And so, but it did go great. And he loved Italy.

And we did have a lot of fun. I like watching that friendship. It was, it's really kind of like through the years. I mean, it's really been fun to watch from the outside. Well, it's been fun, obviously, for me, because I just, I love Howard as a person. But also, you know, like, Howard's the reason I got into radio. Howard's the reason, you know, I idolized the guy. Yeah.

You know, still do to a certain extent. But, um, so were you a kid in on the East Coast, like early? Because when he was like, NBC. And I was not in New York when he was on the air. But my uncle Vinny would mail me cassette tapes of the show. Yeah. He loved the show. And I'd get like one cassette tape every three months and I just listened to it.

You know, 45 minutes on each side over and over and over and over and over and over again. And I could not wait to get the next one. And then when I became a morning disc jockey, I'd always plan to be an artist. I always liked to draw, and that was my plan for my life. But when I became a dish jockey, Howard would be on, in a lot of markets, he'd be on the overnight shift, like on the West Coast. So I'd be able to listen to his show live on the West Coast before I went into work.

So I, you know, oftentimes the signal was not good. Like when I lived in Palm Springs, I had to listen to him on the L.A. station, which is, you know, 100 miles away. And the best nights were when I catch him just coming out of a commercial break. And he'd talk for, you know, whatever, 30 minutes and before I got into work and I get to hear the whole thing without the signal being interrupted.

Yeah, I remember my mother listening to it. She had a little Chavet. Really? And she would drive, and it was when he was on NBC when IMS was his lead-in. Right. And... Well, he was the afternoon guy, and Imus was morning.

Right, right. and my mother was just like she found like this secret like on radio of this hilarious guy and she thought he was so funny and then we just followed him forever he was just oh it's just so special so your anniversary

show your 20th anniversary stuff was so great it was so I don't know what it was I mean we've seen other shows that have gone for a long time for me

watching you comedically, it was almost like watching you just like a fine wine. Like you were just like the, you were watching the show age in real time in that special. Like we all kind of got thrown by 20 years. Holy shit. Yeah, right. But but watching like the clips and how you kind of came along, it was really, do you feel that? Do you feel like that journey like from where you started? Sometimes. And I think about, and the worst thing you could ever do to me is make me watch shows. Of course. Even now I don't like that. to watch myself, but to make me sit and watch like the first month of shows, I don't know if I would be able to survive that experience. Exactly. Who is that guy? I was talking to somebody

about this last night, actually, about how unprepared I was for that job, even though, I mean, technically I was prepared for it. I'd done smaller shows that led up to that. But I didn't know what I was doing. I was no one, almost no one who worked from me knew what they were doing. And the fact that the show is still on the air is really, for me, a miracle because it just shouldn't be. It was a big mess. It was crazy. No one wanted to be on the show. And I, looking back and see why. They really didn't. It was a hard thing to get guests. It was very hard to get guests. The Tonight Show made it harder. Right. The publicists, I mean, like, what I didn't realize, like, you, you know, you have a bad night with one guest and you lose 20 guests.

Right. You know. Right. And that didn't occur to me until we lost 20 guests. What was a bad night with a guest? Oh, I mean, like, well, we used to have co-host, you know, I had a co-host because I didn't know what I was doing. I mean, I had no jokes prepared the first night. And I'm a very prepared person in general.

Yeah. I thought, you know, I spoke to Regis on the phone. He's like, just go out there, make it your own. And I was like, I'm going to listen to Regis. I'm not going to go out and do a bunch of jokes about the news. I'm going to go out and just start talking. I'm a radio guy. I can do this.

And it was like I had a guest announcer every night, which was usually somebody, like the janitor or something. And then I burned five minutes talking to that person at the top of the show, which was interesting. to no one. Just to you. And then I bring out my, my sidekick, sometimes they were great and sometimes they were funny and helpful. And then sometimes they were, they made the show much,

much worse. And then sometimes they made the show better and worse at the same time. Like, so, you know, we would book these people maybe like a few days before. You know, you had to get somebody to agree to stay for the whole week.

Like we had Monica Lewinsky as my guest host. And, um, we're like, oh, that'll be interesting. You know, whatever.

you know, what's going on with her. And when she got there, they're like, okay. And also, Monica does not, will not talk about her experiences in the White House at all. And I was like, oh, okay, all right. That leaves us with, I don't know, her handbag company, I guess. And so publicists didn't, another reason they didn't want to book their guests on their clients on the show besides the host. Yeah. Was they didn't know who the guest host was.

So, I mean, you might show up and be. sitting next to Mike Tyson, who was like a scary character at the time. Not the, you know, America's mascot that he is now. In between court cases. And so it was, you know, it was really like there were many nights that it was five o'clock and the show was live at nine o'clock that we didn't have a guess at five o'clock. And I'd just be like, all right, you know, I was dating Sarah Silverman at time like Sarah. I need you to get some makeup on tonight.

We don't have a guest or Adam Carole or any of my friends, David Allen Greer. Like, please come and help me. Oh, man. Was the network, it seems like there's so much more pressure on shows to like open big and be big, like immediately. I think one of the things was we always had pretty good ratings. So that was, we didn't deserve them, but we always had pretty good ratings. So that definitely helped. I think if the show had.

been a ratings disaster that they wouldn't have given us as much time as they did to write the ship. Right, right. But also there's a lot of, you know, there's just a lot of not paying attention that goes on. And unless I did something really bad, which I did do a few of those things, you know, where affiliates would get angry and, you know, or America would get angry. For the most part, they didn't seem to know what was going on. You were just parked there, late nights taken care of. Yeah, it's just going to run.

Yeah, it was kind of like, all right, whatever, you know. What was one of the ones that upset? said everybody. Oh, well, when the Lakers were playing the Pistons, I went on the air and said something to the effect of, like, I'm rooting for the Lakers because I would hate to see them burn Detroit down. And that really, you know, it never occurred to me that people in Detroit might take that seriously. Their city being burned down. And the Detroit affiliate pulled us off the air and there was a whole thing. And I was like, all right, who cares? And then the head of ABC is like, you know, if you're not, on in Detroit, you can't be on, right? You have to be on in all the markets. I was like,

really? Yes. I was like, well, all right. Well, I guess we better figure this out. Who do we call in Detroit? I will say also a big part of me wanted the show to be canceled those first two years, desperately wanted the show to be canceled because it was so hard. It was five nights a week from 9 p.m. to 10 p.m. I was there all day long. I was near to midnight every night. I had two young kids. I just, I was going through a divorce. I, I, I was surrounded by people who didn't, like me, did not know what they were doing. How old are you then? This is like 30. I was, let's see, it was 21 years ago. I was, I was like 34, I think, when the show started. Yeah. Wow. And I just, you know, I'd hired all my friends and my family. And I couldn't quit.

You know, like I couldn't quit because they would all be mad at me. But they could cancel us. But if we got canceled, it's another thing entirely. I guess it's the same mentality as when I'm feeling nauseated and I want the plane to go down. Right. At what point do you stop wanting it to be canceled? I'm not sure when it was exactly, but it was probably five years in that I settled down. And, you know, you start, you come up with some signature bits.

that help you because you know you have, okay, on Tuesday, I can do that. Right. And so now let's figure out. And just every show goes from, you know, it's almost like I'm not a golfer, but this is what I imagine golf is like. You play golf. Yeah. When you start out, you're happy when you hit a good shot.

Right. And then as you get better at it, you want to have a good round, you know? And then as you get better at it, you're mad at yourself when you have a bad shot. And it's just like that. Right. So I would be, you know, I would, you know, be happy if we had one good segment in a show or even like a good moment in an interview. And that would be enough to kind of carry me through.

And then I started thinking, you know what, I want this whole show to be good from the beginning of it until the end of it. And then I was, got to the point where like, you'd have two good shows a week and then maybe three good. And now we're, you know, like we don't have bad shows anymore. Like occasionally, it won't be great, but like, a show I would consider to be a bad show now would be our best show of the month in the old days. Right. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. No, it's tight. It's so dialed in. And it's probably, I'm not to belittle all the writing that's going on. You have an amazing staff. But it's probably easier now. It's like somebody who's been golfing forever.

And you know how to use your energy more wisely. It is easier. And it's same for them, too, because they're like, okay, we know what we're doing. We know what is expected of us. Right. In those days, you know, no one knew what was expected of them. Right. No one knew what we were supposed to be talking about.

Yeah. I was still approaching it like I was a radio disjockey. Mm-hmm. And it was like, okay, well, what happened today? Yeah. That's, okay, we'll make a show about that. Yeah. Well, that's been a big shift in recent years.

And this brings me to actually to an uncomfortable moment. Uh-oh. We have an uncomfortable moment on this program. Oh, good. All right. And, and. No one likes uncomfortable moments more than I do. So this is, we just have our Cracker Jack staff.

He here does, does like deep dives once in a while. And as much as you shit on them and stuff, it seems from this picture that you guys are actually good buddies. That is a very badly doctor's photo of me on a jet ski with Donald Trump. He doesn't look like he's having fun. Not at all. Did you make that? No, they found this out there. I've never seen that before.

Until you said it was doctored. I thought it was real. Yeah, well, that was when he was 125 pounds. I know. Look how funny it is to have his body on like a regular body. His head on a regular body. But that has taken on a life. This has become a huge focus of rational people across media who seem to be sounding the alarm constantly about this guy.

And it's hilarious because of what he puts out on a daily basis. But do you feel like a certain responsibility to ring the bell? Yeah, I do. I feel a couple of responsibilities. My number one responsibility, I think, is the same responsibility every late night talk show host has had since they started, which is to talk about what people are talking about. Yeah. And my next responsibility is to never act like this as normal because it isn't normal. And I think that it's, the news often approaches this. And you do see moments of humanity from certain news anchors who, like, you could see that they can't believe it. Yeah. But they're also programmed.

And when I, you know, I talk about the news. I'm talking about the really mainstream news. I'm not talking about the outliers like Newsmax or on the other end, MSNBC, you know, that are more opinion-based. But I think that, you know, they, they, they, because he's the president, we still have, there are a lot of things that are ingrained in us as a society and as, as the media that, you know, it's like, okay, this goes like this, you know, when, I mean, if you look at like, but it's changing, obviously, you look at like when Trump got, you know, shot at, you know, how quickly that went away.

And like, and you think about, if you're old enough to remember, you know, Reagan getting shot, you know, and like how it was a much bigger deal. The whole nation hushed. And it was like, we don't care, you know, which side we're on. Right. You know, the president, our president got shot. Right. And that's a great indication of how divided we are, that it was like, it went the way it did. Also, how quickly and how much more information there is flooding all the time. Yeah. Like it, that would be, that was one news story when Reagan and it was on the three networks

and we all watched it over and over and that was it. And then you read about it in the paper, you got some follow up. Now the torrent of information that's just coming constantly, even created by himself, he kind of creates so much that that story kind of just got washed down river. You're right. It is because of him because he keeps, he, he, you really want, it's funny because like we don't do a show on Friday. Something happens on Friday.

Some big crazy thing happens on Friday. By Monday, he's done 17 other crazy things. And oftentimes we have a show written at 3.30 and he does something and we're like, okay, we're throwing this all out. We're just starting over again. Was it the moment with the, with the health care? Do you feel like that's when... I feel like that's when people noticed

that I was speaking about this stuff, but I was definitely speaking about this sort of thing well before that. But yeah, when my son had his heart surgery and I was in the hospital thinking about going back to work and I'd been talking about the fact that my wife was pregnant

and that we were having a baby and this is something that people who watch the show with regularity know and kind of want an update on. Yeah. I was trying to figure out how I was going to handle it just at that very moment. Yeah.

I know I'm literally sitting in the recovery room watching John McCain on television saving the Affordable Health Care Act. Yeah. And with the thumb down. Yeah. And that all happened while we were in the hospital. And, you know, actually, I think I have my timeline a little bit screwed up. But I was watching it on TV while I was having.

I don't think they'd gotten to that point yet. And then I just said, you know what? I'm going to try to make something positive out of this very scary and, you know, the tumultuous experience that we've been through, which is something I learned in a weird way many years ago. In fact, it's the dumbest story, but I ran out of gas. The one time of my life, I ran out of gas.

I had a very old RX-7 that had no fuel gauge and I ran out of gas and I had to walk to the gas station and get the gas can and fill it up and it was a big pain and I remember thinking like now I have something to talk about on the air tomorrow when I was a disc jockey right and I was like oh this this is you know now that I think about it when bad things happen to me I can get something good I get some some comedy out I get some material out of it and most people don't have that yeah and so I started looking at things differently and I even start looking at now like to bad things and obviously not like really bad things, but minor bad things that happened to you.

And when I look back at them and go, if I had the option to make that not happen, if I could wave a magic wand and save myself from that situation, would I? And I go, nope. I'm walking with the gas can. That's right. But that was another level. This was far from gas can material. I didn't know what would become.

topic of conversation nationally. I literally thought about it during this last debate when they brought up the Health Care Act and he was saying, like, I don't have a plan, but I have a concept of a plan. You know why he doesn't have a plan? To be so flippant about health, like at this point, millions and millions of people are relying on it. I can't believe politically that they're even flirting with the idea of taking that away from people.

They're not. That's not a serious thing. That is complete bullshit. They want to throw it out there. And what they love doing, not to get too serious, but what they love to do is to confuse people about what the Affordable Care Act is. It doesn't, it's not how you're treated by your health insurance company.

So people go, it's terrible, it's this, it's that. It's like, no, no, no, you still have the option to pick what health insurance you want. or, you know, to work at a place that picks which health insurance you get, the care that you get from your doctor is not because of the affordable health. There are two entirely separate things. And the reality is I personally, because I spoke about this, have, and most people don't have, I get this opportunity,

but I've had so many people come up to me and tell me their stories about themselves and their children, their families about like, my brother would be dead if it wasn't for the affordable health care act. And so when you hear this stuff, you know, you're just a guy, you know, at Costco shopping and somebody comes up and tells you like, you know, my brother had a terminal illness and, you know, and the last two years of his life were so much better because he had this, it would have bankrupted our family and all of these things. And also like, you know, I have a kid now who these insurance companies were allowed to put

lifetime caps on how much they could spend on you, which is so disgusting. And so you go like, oh, my son, like, you know, and when he's 30, if he needs another heart surgery, his health insurance company is not going to cover it. Right. That's how it was set up. Right. And it's terrifying. And the reality is Republicans don't want to take it away because they know that people like it

and people will really realize they like it if it gets taken away. Yeah. So what they want to do is just criticize it and not. It's the same thing they wanted to do about abortion for a long time. You know, it was like just keep fighting against it. But they didn't want to actually, they didn't actually want it to be contested. To be contested and then have people point at them and say, you did it. Right.

You changed it. Right. This is a big thing that I have really been wrestling with and especially because of watching Tucker Carlson. What is your take? he's gone in my book, he's now the worst one. There was other ones that I thought were the worst. I think that's fair to say. I think he's the worst one.

And I watch all these people and I try and figure out how much of it is them just, because you've seen the duplicitous texts from him. Like he's telling his public one thing, but he believes something else. Right. How much of it is performative and how much of it is, really bizarre beliefs that they actually hold and that they're spewing onto people. And I think the reason he's the worst, see if you agree, I think he does believe it. I think he started off with his bow tie and just being trying to...

I think you just put your finger on it. I think it starts off as almost entirely performative. And it becomes what they believe over time because it gets reinforced by the people that, that listen to him. First of all, his salary depends upon taking these positions. He is, he knows who his audience is, and he continues to refine his point of view as the years go on, and it gets more extreme and crazier. But then you also, like, I don't know, I've read a lot about Tucker Carlson. I've never met the man, but you start reading about his childhood.

And I don't know the specifics of his childhood, but. As I recall, his mother left their family when he was very young and left her children. And you start to go, okay, well, this poor guy, I mean, you know, this guy, something happened to him. Right. And there's a reason why he's like this. And, you know, and of course, you can blame everything on everything. And, you know, I think that's the very nature of a lack of empathy and understand. is like the core of this of this MAGA world.

But also it can't be ignored, you know. No, exactly. I have the same thing. When I'm out on the road and people cut me off and do something insane and put my life in danger, I get angry. But then I always go to, I wonder why he's racing. Maybe his mom is sick. Maybe he just heard.

I'm always trying to give, try to understand it and give them. But when I looked him up and I see that he's going on tour doing 16 dates with Alex Jones as one of his guests going into a theater in Pennsylvania. There's no excuse for it. There's no excuse for it. You're messing with people's lives. You're bringing on someone who's close to the devil and going on tour with him. All you can do is pray there's a hell. Right.

I really hope this hell I've learned so much about is a thing. And I hope that I can look in on it. Right. It's not my responsibility. It's the way it worked out as I fly through purgatory. Yeah. It's scary, but I do. I get it.

I understand it. I see how it happens. You know, I think that you see people kind of like go the other way. And on the internet, of course, you know, it lends itself to that. But they think it's a game is really upsetting. Yeah. They actually think it's a game and you actually see people acting out in their real lives or being affected by them just feeding them horrible information.

Yeah, it's terrible. I don't disagree with you. But I think we all do it to a certain extent in our lives. I think that the people at Marlborough know that what they're, what they're doing i think every person who works at that company knows that they're they're killing people you know and they're doing it anyway because they have to pay their rent yeah you know and like and i think we all do it i mean i i would say my i'm guilty of it myself i mean i have a television show i don't know what commercials are running during my show but i know that a lot

of these products are not good for people right the little deeper you go but do i walk in to ABC and go, I do not want any more, no, I don't do that. Right. Right. You know, because I like my job and I like making money. Yeah. So we're all guilty to a certain extent. To an extent.

But there I, yeah. I agree, but I also think there's a degree of. Well, sure, there is. Yeah. There's a difference between jaywalking and murder. Yeah. Yeah. So how heady is it when you start in a very public way,

having a real dialogue with Trump that he's actually, you know, calling you out by name and doing these things. And you get to have the opportunity to go. And when I was talking about your brilliant writing staff, your monologues have been so on point and so packed. And your delivery of it is so perfect. I will tell him you said that and they will be happy to hear that, especially from you. But I think that it's, to me, it's evidence that this is not a serious man and that he

shouldn't be the president. Yeah. Because I've been making fun of presidents, not to this extent since I started this job. Yeah. Never heard anything from any of them other than, you know, whatever. Yeah. And the idea that this is what keeps him up at night and this is what he's trying to, this is what he's working on. Yeah.

You know. If you ever sit down with Bill Clinton, if you ever have a conversation, you're ever fortunate enough to have a long conversation with Bill Clinton, you will see a person. you will see a person who wants to solve all the, all the problems in the world. Right. A very serious person who you go like, oh yeah, this is, this is what the world needs. Yeah. People who think like this. Yeah.

And and. Yeah, grownups. Beyond grown up. Yeah. And you just, and you sit with Donald Trump. It's like, like, would you trust him with anything? Like, would you, like, if he was your financial advisor. you'd be panicked

He'd be like Okay, well we need to find someone else honey He said everything's cool He said we don't have to pay taxes at all He's her advisor He wants us to put our names on the side of our house It's got to be pretty heady though Knowing that you've got this guy's ear

I guess it is I don't know it makes I think in a way it does it nerve wracking No not really It's satisfying sometimes to be perfectly honest. It's fun sometimes. Yeah. But when you really think about it,

when you really think about it, it's scary and it's upsetting. It's just that, I mean, that's how you, I think, would describe his existence. You know, it's like, yeah, it's funny. And you know what? Sometimes he's funny.

Right. Let's be honest. Oh, yeah. You know, he says funny things sometimes. And if he was your uncle or whatever, you'd be like, oh, there he goes again, you know. But it also, you have to remember like, oh, yeah, he's sitting in a room with,

with Vlad Putin. Yeah. These people in Ukraine, these poor people are suffering. The idea that, I mean, for somebody my age to imagine that Republicans would be on the side of Russia. So insane.

It's mind-boggling. Yeah. Melt your brain. If you activated his brain and said, like, hey, what do you think about this? He would die again immediately. I know. It can't be where the,

it can't be my part. party. That can't be my party you're talking about. Everything's upside down. Yeah. I think you, I think it, my, my hope is if he goes away, he's so unique. He's such a unique character. And he goes away, there's not another one of him. People aren't putting up merch for. I hope so, but we don't know that. And I think the next version of him will be a much more polished version of him. more in the in the J.D. Vance category. Somebody who has has, and I don't even think Donald Trump has like conservative thoughts. Right.

I think that he had an opportunity to be a really popular president when he was elected. You know, I actually had the thought like, okay, well, maybe he's just going to do, instead of towing a party line, maybe he's going to just do what's popular. line. Maybe he's going to just do what's popular. Maybe he just wants to be popular. And I think we'd be lucky to have a president who just wants to be popular because I think that we'd get some like some background checks on gun sales. I think we'd get rid of these, you know, machine guns that, that teenagers are allowed to have. I think that, you know, they just look at the opinion polls and they go, 80% of the people want it. Seventy-seven percent of Americans believe abortion should be legal. I'm going to make, well, abortion illegal.

It is legal. Yeah. And I think that he had the opportunity to do that. And unfortunately, I think Democrats made some mistakes. I think when at time where Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi got in there and convinced him to support infrastructure, which is the perfect thing to get Donald Trump on board with because he thinks of himself as a builder. And he's like, yes, I'm going to do this.

Instead of coming out and saying, like, this president did the, this president did the, right thing, he stepped the crisis. They came out and they like, they like acting like, we goofed, we tricked him. Right. Yeah. And I think that was a big mistake right off the back. And then he went, oh, okay, this is, this doesn't work from me. Yeah. And if we had done it a little bit differently at the beginning, maybe we would be in a different situation. Yeah. I just hope he goes away. Yeah, I hope he goes away too. Yeah. That doesn't mean I don't worry about the next incarnation. No, because it rhymes with Mucker Marlson. One other comfortable moment I have here.

You also, you goof around a lot about Matt Damon. That's not, well, that's not goofing around. Yeah, you really don't like him. But then our staff found this. That picture is real. Who's the bald man behind us? I don't have my reading glasses on. I don't know.

He's just a rando. But that's you and Matt on a roller coaster together, holding hands and looking in each other's eyes. Maybe that's why I've always. vomit on roller coasters. I wanted to clear the air with something. Yeah. Because I was at a Mumford and Son's concert here in L.A. with Matt Damon and

and Ryan and a couple friends. And you were at the same concert. And as a goof, Matt's wife, Lucy, had given me this, for Christmas, this Asian martial arts. shirt and it had like a dragon on it and some Asian writing who knows what it said and it was it was horrible but so to be funny I showed up at the concert with them wearing it like I'm actually out in the

world with it and then we go to the concert the concert's over we run into you and Molly afterwards as we're all exiting and you came by and you know it's after the concert our heads are spinning and you said hi and you kind of glanced down at the shirt but and I couldn't go No, it's a joke. Joke. I've carried that with me since then. It's funny because when things don't add up, they don't add up. If something seems off, it's because it is.

I am sure that I sigh and I thought either Tom's a very different person than I thought he was or, yeah, this is. I did not realize that what an awful thing for Matt to do to put you in that position where you felt you had to wear that shirt. I mean, on the right home, I was like, you know, maybe Jimmy's right. Maybe Matt isn't that great. We do have the same musical taste, Matt Damon, and me. We do wind up at the same concerts a lot. Yeah.

And he always seems to be two rows in front of me, which he is always very happy about. And it's funny because even though it's better seats than you. Even though the seats are all great, just being two rows behind is a real kick in the ass. Yeah, that was like I got on a flight once with Mark Maron. We were in Boston flying home after a weekend of doing shows separately. And, you know, Mark, he's so cantankerous and everything. And he was in first class and I was the first row of coach. He was so happy.

Oh, well, I'll tell you story. Just to look over his shoulder and see me. I'll tell you my Mark Marin run into story. And I don't know Mark well, but I was at a furniture store in Silver Lake. looking for furniture, which I didn't know how to do. And I was just like, it was like a vintage, like old, you know. It's like somewhere between a thrift store and an antique dealer. And I saw this chest of drawers and I thought, all right, that looks like it'll fit.

And that looks pretty good. And I said, I told the person, I like to buy that and then buy that. And then a few moments later, a man tapped me on the shoulder or whatever. And he says, hey, yeah. And I was like, oh, hey, Mark. how you doing? He's like, I just tried to buy this, this chest of drawers. He's like, do you really want that? I was like, yeah, I really do. Like, for me, you know, I guess, I knew it would be another like eight weeks before I found another piece of furniture. And I was

like, yeah, I do. And he's like, oh, all right, whatever. I just, I beat him to the punch by like four minutes. I'm sure it bothers him to this day. And I still have that piece of furniture. We do another thing on this program because we both love really nice food and we're experts. You know, you actually almost lit my place on fire when you put your favorite pasta dish for your kids, for your family. The pastaina, yeah. The pastaina. And you do a thing which I'd never even thought of doing is edge the pan of oil up a little bit and get the garlic in the deep part of the oil. Because, you know, you put an oil out.

It's very thin. how do you get that garlic to be absorbed by the oil? And you should just kind of angle it a little bit. Yeah. And get the garlic. I'm like, that's pretty brilliant. Or terrifying that you're taking hot oil on a pan.

Very flammable hot oil. And precariously propping it up. I only made it once. I was like, that guy's nuts. Well, you know what? First of all, someone needs to invent a pan that is tilted in a way. That would be a safe way.

and I hope somebody's listening. If you do make this, I will promote it for you far and wide because I am going to burn my house down. I don't know if you notice I got a big wound on my thumb from slicing garlic the other night. Garlic as I feel like in a lot of ways, like it's like the kind of, it's the core of Italian cooking, but also it's going to be the thing that kills me.

And I am going to set a fire. I think I did have an accident of some kind while doing that. Which I'm very, you know, what I do in the kitchen is not recommended at all. And I'm there mimicking it. I have a fire extinguisher right under the, right under the stove because I know it's, I'm going to need it. And yeah, I don't do things safely. Do you do the smash of the garlic? I smashed it.

Well, it depends on what I'm cooking in. Yeah. But for making like a red sauce, yeah, I'll smash the garlic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we also, I come from New Jersey. You have mainly Vegas roots.

We also like stuff that's just processed. Yeah. And if we see something out there, we grab it and then give it a little test. Yeah. I've never seen this. The Dorito people are always going nuts. They have a new thing called dynamite. They must have a lot of meetings.

Dynamita. I have no idea. Chili, lemon. It's in the diner. meter. It's there as hot. Uh-huh. It's not, yeah, it's not extra hot. It's in the middle. I'll have no trouble with something in the middle. Give it a little review. Oh, this could be like your own version of hot ones, you know? Right. Yeah, exactly. Well, let's look at it first. It is not a color ever seen in nature. No, it's not. It looks like the intestine from a small animal. Or like something that they take out of the back of your knee.

Yeah. Yeah. Should we eat it at the same time? All right, cheers. RBC Training Ground has discovered potential in over 20,000 Canadian athletes and counting. Your story could be next. If you've got the drive,

they'll help you find your path to the Olympics. Let's see what you've got. Sign up for free at rbc trainingground.ca. It's spicy. It's got some like lime flavor to it. It's pretty good, actually. You know? Oh, it's got a lot of spice.

Yeah. It's really good. really good. Yeah. The Dorito people very rarely fail. God bless them. Yeah, it's not like they don't test this stuff beforehand. Yeah.

And look how the triggers immediately have another one. Mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm. They are really on point. Mm-hmm. You know what? The lime tastes very fresh, doesn't it?

It tastes like real lime. It really does. They should be in charge of more stuff, you know? Like, we should figure out which complex. companies which products are like the Doritos people. They obviously know what they're doing. I mean, of course, this is poison. What we've just eaten is.

But, no, you know, you can handle a little bit of poison. A little bit here and there. Well, I forgot to tell you, whenever I eat something hot, I get the hiccups. Oh, no. And I now have the hiccups of radio. Luckily, we're not doing a... We're nearing the end. A radio show.

You're now, I'm going to be hiccuping. That's a knee-jerk reaction? It's automatic. I eat a pepper. I get the hiccups. Oh, that's hilarious. I've never seen that before. Does it last for a while?

I might be the only guy. It depends on, it depends. Hopefully, hopefully it'll calm down. That's so funny. You know, it's a weird thing, another weird thing. When I'm on the show, first of all, I wear this aura ring. Have you ever seen one of these things? No.

Okay. It's a thing that it measures, it kind of like keeps track of your body temperature and your sleep. It measures your, it gives you a score for your sleep. And it also measures your stress. And there's this weird thing. Like my stress is like, it's pretty high throughout the day, except for when I'm doing the show. Like that hour, it's weird. It's like nothing stress-wise. And then as soon as it's over, it goes right back up. You probably, if you get the aura ring, you could really monitor it. Yeah. But the orer ring also, I forgot what I was going to I was talking about the ordering.

Oh, no, not about the ordering. When I have the hiccups or I have to pee or something like that and the show starts, it stops immediately. It's the weirdest thing. Yeah. It just turned, your body turns it off. It does. I know if I'm really sick, I'll feel it on stage because I could feel like death. And as soon as I get on stage, it's gone.

I have no feeling of it. and then if you do feel it on stage, then you know you're really screwed. Yeah, yeah, it's really weird. Like, even like coughing, that kind of thing. Yeah, like it just stops. Just gone. Yeah, any, like, headachey, anything.

It just, whew, gone. Somebody needs to figure out what's happening there and how we can use that more productively, you know? Yeah. Do you work out? You know, it's always funny to be asked that question because it's clear that it's not working. No, no, you're a very handsome man.

You get more handsome as the years go on. And you dropped a bunch of weight by fasting and not eating. I do work out. I work out three times a week. You do. Most of what I've done and what I do is I will, I will, I become so entertaining during the session that very little actual exercise gets done. Oh, you mean you have a trainer that you, and you just make them laugh? I just start asking about his life and his opinion on this and that.

the other day we played this game where with 80s music I can identify an 80s song within like a millisecond of the song starting and where we then just did that for about 25 minutes and they have no idea what you're up to I don't know if they know they don't care

they're like well he's still paying me so who you know whatever and I know I'm only cheating myself but I can't help but do it that's so brilliant I had a guitar teacher when I was like in sixth grade and I didn't realize at the time but he was on heroin because he would nod off. He would come in, a very cool looking guy, and we'd sit there, and I never practiced, you know.

I just didn't practice. And I quickly, but he would nod off. And he wouldn't wake up until, so I realized, similar to your thing, if I'm just quiet, I'm just going to let him, and around the 25th minute, I'll go, bang. And he'd come to him and go, all right, good job, see you next week. You could have been like Eddie Van Halen by now. I know, just cheating ourselves.

No, but you really, you changed through the years, but you also lived at a certain point drop weight because you fasted. I did, yeah, yeah. I don't do that anymore. You don't, yeah. That was pretty extreme. But, yeah, I'm an extreme person. I can't, like, I can't play video games because, like, you know,

I meet adult men who play video games. And I go, I don't know, me, there's no difference between that and heroin, you know. Exactly. I, whatever it is, I am like, on board completely. And I cannot, you know, like, I just can't, I just know I'm a glutton. I'm a gluttonous person. I will eat as much if, you know, I've never, I mean, the idea of not finishing all the food on my plate is ridiculous.

And then you have kids. And then they don't finish their food until you finish their food too. Like, you know, for each kid, each kid equals five pounds for me. And then my wife, you know, eats reasonably. And so I will always finish her dinner to the point where I get so mad if she like goes to throw something. I like, you know, I make breakfast every morning. I'll make her, you know, with a bagel with an egg on it and whatever.

And she like eats half the bagel and goes to throw away. I'm like, ah, hey, hey, hey, wait, what are you doing? You're back to you eating calamari at the dumpster. Yeah, that's me. I just know that's me. I had a joke like that early on that it was always funny to me because I do the same thing. that how little I think about myself that it's either in the garbage or in me. It's right on the cost.

I am the garbage. You're not going to be hosting this year, any of the big shows. The Oscars, yeah. No, I said no to that. Is it a really great feeling when you say no to that? You got so good at it, but I know it must be, how much of a burden is it on your year? No, it's not a great feeling, but it's just a lot. You know, and it's like, I have a lot to do as it is and then adding that in the mix.

And also, you know, you just kind of go like, okay, well, it went well two years in a row the first time. Yeah. And then went well, two years in a row the second time. At what point am I pushing my luck? And people, even if, even if it's great every year, people get tired, you know, people, they need something to write about. They need something to complain about.

Yeah. They're like, you know, they have these fantasies that all these people that in their world are great, would be great at this. And you sit there and you go, no, they wouldn't. You know, you need a comedian hosting this show. You know, I mean, certainly there are people who are not comedians who are talented enough to put on a great show. But if you're going to walk out there and you're going to tell nine minutes of jokes, you should be a comedian. Yeah, fancy that.

Yeah, yeah. And I have to say it annoys me on, not just on, not just for myself, but on behalf of all comedians, you know, to. that it's that they think so little of this art form. Yeah. That anybody can walk out there and do it. It is infuriating. Yeah. It's not,

yeah, it's not your father-in-law making a funny toast at a wedding. Yeah. There's a big difference. Yeah. How much of your year gets eaten up by it when you say yes? A lot because I push every, I think I actually, I think you asked me to do this leading up the Oscars. Like, can I do it after the Oscars?

And now here we are, you know, way after the Oscars. It's almost the next Oscars, you know. Right. So I have a lot of catching up to do with things that I agree to do beforehand. And, you know, so it's a lot of work leading up. I push everything off. And then I have to do all those things. Right, right.

It's a lot. You take it serious. And we have an election coming up. I, you know, I kind of want to be, I want to be extra focused on my show. Yeah. Yeah. And, yeah, it just seemed like the right thing to do. Right.

Last question as a fan. Are you going to continue? there were some rumors of you, like, toying around with the idea of when do you stop? It is funny because it's such a, like, essential, I've been asked this question so many times. I sometimes feel like people want me to go away. Imagine if you were at a party and people are like, hey, how are you doing? When are you going to leave? No, the reason you're saying that is because I'm not going to stay here if you're not here.

I've stopped, I've stopped answering the question, not because I don't want to answer. the question because I do feel a weird responsibility to answer any question that I'm asked. Yeah. But I've stopped answering it because first of all, I know it's becoming like kind of a joke now. Like I'm like Sharon her farewell tours. Right. But also because I know that when it comes down to it, my mindset is very different than it is when I'm just musing about it.

You know, when I'm musing about it, I go, oh, you know, enough, you know, whatever. Yeah. I want to have some fun, you know. I want to travel a little bit. I want to have lunch, you know. Like, this is the closest I get to having lunch is, you know, doing a podcast at noon. Yeah, exactly. But so I know that about myself now after having gone through this several times.

And so I really don't know, you know. I do know when my contract is up. I, you know, but I'm learning about myself and I'm trying to be more reasonable. And also, there are a lot of people's lives involved in when I stop. doing this show. And so I don't take that lightly either. Yeah. Well, your buddy Howard is always, he seems through the years to adapt his work to his life at different times. Well, that's one of the nice things about being Howard Stern is they want you so badly. They will take whatever you'll give them, you know? They don't want you to go either, though. You're on the top of your game.

For real. It's such a joy to watch. It's like, you know, I try not to spend a lot of time on social media, but your show every single morning is like the go-to. That is high praise coming from you. I appreciate that. So great. One last gift. This is from my friend Anthony. He made this thing called Super Salt.

This isn't a promo. This is just literally, it's this great salt. You will fly if you use it? Mix with different herbs and stuff. Oh, nice. He's an Italian great sommelier. Nice. It's great to cook with.

I will use it. Maybe I'll use it on Christmas Eve. Yeah, that would be great. Yeah, let's touch base when we get closer to Christmas. I'll share you. You know, I also, I draw up the menu. You do? Yeah, I'll draw pictures of the fish. I want people to see what the fish look like and that kind of stuff. Oh, you're putting me to shame. You're putting me to shame. I'm just happy you do it. I think that traditions like that. Oh, it's the best. To me, they're important. So important. So important. Say hi to your family. I shall.

And thanks for doing this. Thank you for the bread and the Taroni and the super salt and the hiccup inducing. You're not going home with these. You're going to get in an accident on the way home. All right, Joe, we got it.