Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 234 - Jerry Seinfeld

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

Catch Seinfeld, Gaffigan, and Papa on tour in a city near you and stay tuned for Tom Papa's newest Netflix special "Home Free" out October 29th!! Jerry Seinfeld comes to break bread with longtime friend Tom Papa and sets the record straight about the state of comedy in 2024. The pair discuss the horror that is touring as a standup comedian, the apocalyptic set of Seinfeld, eating airplane pizzas with Jim Gaffigan, and the world of show biz. Maybe one day Tom and Jerry will give a masterclass on How to be a Comic 101.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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responsible, the conditions so there were two things that I have to say I regret. saying and that I have to take back. What do you mean?

And I'm going to take them back here on the come to Papa. Right. Is that the name of this show? This is the Breaking Bread. Oh, this is Breaking Bread. Yeah. Is that why we have the bread? I have a lot of shows.

Yes, normally I would have baked you bread. Yeah. If we were in L.A., I would have brought you bread, but I got you some quassons. Thank you. You're welcome. So here's two things I regret saying and I have to take back. It's Breaking Bread. Hey, everybody.

A quick reminder. my new Netflix special, Home Free, is dropping on October 29th. Tuesday, October 29th, my new Netflix special, Home Free. Very exciting. I hope you enjoy it. I recorded it in D.C. And I think it came out great. I looked pretty handsome.

And that's more important than being funny, I think. Also go to Tompapa.com because all the tour dates that will be coming off of that will be posted. You guys are the best. Back to the show. I was talking to, I worked with Chuck Martin this past weekend. And he was telling to me how he loves striding through airports. I go, that's why you've survived. I go, that has killed 90% of comedians. It really is. It is. You know, I like to talk about the toxic ecosystem of stand-up comedy. It's highly toxic. Uh-huh. The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, is dramatic and a huge percentage.

Do not survive. Right. One of the main things is you've got to be a good traveler. No problem. I remember you saying that once that you were talking about somebody, some comic, and they hadn't, they were really successful, but they hadn't been touring a lot. They were successful and then kind of went away from it. And I talked to them and they were saying the travel was killing them.

Yeah. And I brought that up to you and you're like, yeah, you have to be okay with getting in that hotel and opening up that little bar of soap, taking the little paper off that soap. And that should, if that doesn't make you happy, you're in trouble. Yeah. I think about that every time. Yeah. I roll into like a Holiday and Express and you're like, if you're okay with that or walking through the airport. When I hear I have a flight, I get excited.

Me too. I get excited. Me too. I can't wait to get on the plane, open my laptop, and just have a couple moments. The second I grab my luggage, the second my hand grips that handle in my closet, I'm a different human.

I just completely shifted software. Yeah, yeah. Everything that happens from this moment, I don't care. All I care about is the show. Everything in between me and the show? Yeah. I don't care.

Yeah. Do whatever you want? to me. Right, exactly. The show's postponed three hours. Fine. I know. I'll just sit here. I was telling I'm telling Rob Prince about a gig Larry Miller and I used to do in the

70s called Hickups in Ottawa, Canada. And Larry and I, we just loved recounting the story of this hotel. Ottawa, as we know in the winter, is very cold. The hotel was called the East View.

It was at the absolute bottom of the food chain. The window in the hotel had a break in the glass about the size of a basketball, and it was stuffed with newspaper. And we both would get the same room. And we would sleep with our coat on. We would put our winter coat on and get in bed. The funniest part of the story to me is both of us, too stupid to go to the desk and go, could I have a room without a broken window?

Not an option. In zero degree Canada. Never crossed our mind. You don't have to tolerate this. The other thing that was amazing, I would say the hotel room was maybe this size or, there was a TV in the room that they had mounted on a bracket on the ceiling in the corner. And the screen was about this big. Like a hospital.

And yeah, and you would just sit there. And there was a bed and a chair. That was the only thing in the room. And you would just get out of bed, sit in the chair, turn on this TV, and watch it for nine hours. Thank you to your show. But the sleeping in the in the parka. We would sleep in the parka. In bed.

Remind me of the bucket of chicken. Wasn't there early days? That was, that was. Where did World War II begin? Charleston. The battle, I think, was the... Civil War. The first Civil War began in Charleston, South Carolina.

That's what it was. And, yeah, this is another good, how dumb... You were 12 years old. Yeah. So I got a bucket of chicken at KFC at the beginning of the week. Yeah. And I thought, this is great. This is great chicken.

I really like this. It'll last the whole week. And I just left it in the room. open and ate it all week. I had no idea. You're not supposed to eat unrefrigerated chicken for a week. Just so happy. But if you wanted, if you had to bet on chicken that could survive that, you would bet on KFC, right?

Yeah, I think probably three days you were good. Yeah, whatever they do to it. Yeah. It's so amazing. And I actually had someone. visit me in my room. Yeah. I actually had a date.

Uh-huh. And she came to the room. And there was the chicken in the bucket. Filling up the room with aroma. She did not ask, how long has that been there? I have to go. This is really, if we ever teach stand-up comedy, which we never will because it cannot be done. Yeah.

This is the, this is the first day of class. Yeah. How does this sound to you? Right. Right. Does this sound like something you could deal with? Right. Put your hand up.

Yeah. Everybody else just leave now. Yeah. Right? It is amazing to look back and tell the stories of what you did. Like if someone told me that I had my day was going to go to the comic strip, they're going to give you $8 to do a late night set. And that's, you need that money. That's the only $8.

you're going to have. But good news, you can get a bacon, egg and cheese bagel for five bucks in the morning and eat that until you go back and get another $8. If you told me I had to live like that now, I would just lie down on the floor and die. But listen to those stories, I was, I think, happier than I've ever been. So what is that? You want to explain that to the listeners? I think people are not listening to this show because they're interested.

in how comedians function. I think we were so happy that we had this idea that I might want to do that. I think I want to be a comedian. And then you got on stage and that it confirmed you found the thing, this is it. This is going to be as great as I, when you got that laugh. Right.

And you realize, holy cow, the thing I wanted, I was right. This is going to, this is as great as I thought it was going to be. that everything else just... But everybody else feels that same way about the laugh. In the beginning. In the beginning. Everyone.

Nobody who's ever stepped on a stage to do a set, nobody that got a laugh, didn't think it was as great as you thought it was great. But what's that other thing that you don't care what you have to go through to keep getting it? That's the Delta. Yeah. Maybe you just started getting more of them, back to back, you know?

It just fit you like a glove. I don't know. But I do know that the futon I was sleeping on, the roaches going through the front door when I walked, I didn't even think that this was a problem. Right. Because I just... But that's your nature.

I don't know. I think your nature is you see life as a simple equation. I want this. It costs this. Right. I will pay it. Right. Period.

I was just, as in the car down, I was with my daughter and she's writing stuff. Yeah. And I was, she's been talking with an agent and he goes, he wants to see it. I go, yeah, he wants to give me notes about it. Yeah, everyone's going to give you notes. No one's going to be happy with anything you do. Yeah. Every agent, every executive is going to have complaints about everything you make.

Right. She goes, well, that's intolerable. That's psychologically, how can you tolerate that? I go, what's on the other side of that? What do you get? Yeah. What do you get? I told it, you know what you get?

You get the kingdom of heaven. That's what you get. Yeah. If you walk through hell, you get to the kingdom of heaven. Right. So it's just very simple. Yeah. And I guess you would even call it the marshmallow test, which everyone's familiar with that, I assume.

No. The marshmallow test is a thing they would do with little kids. they put a marshmallow on the kid's desk, and they go, I'll be back in five minutes. If you haven't eaten it, you get another one. Right. Most of them eat it. Right.

And they don't get another one. And, you know, my, so here's how I'm built, my birthday cake story, you know, that one from when I was five. Did you ever tell you that one? No. My mother made me a birthday cake when I was five years old, and I had a bunch of kids around, and I go, I want to, I want to have a little bit of,

the whole cake. Yeah. Just me, the whole cake. Yeah. And she goes, you can't have the whole cake because we're going to give everybody a piece. I go, no, I want the whole thing. This sounds like a Donald Trump story. And she says, you can either have a piece of cake or no cake.

Oh, we go, oh, fine. I'll have nothing. And she said, and that's when she knew I was going to be very successful. I was totally comfortable with nothing. Yeah. It's such a strange thing. I mean, but you, when you did your first set and started banging around and, you know, knew nothing really about life. Right.

You did know that this was, that that was it. Yeah. You didn't think, well, I'll do this, but I could always go into accounting or this or. Right, right. Right. I thought, honestly, I'm not going to be very good at this. I thought But I thought

Even if I'm not good And I'm just Make enough to just barely survive It'll be the greatest life imaginable Right That's how I went into it Yeah I really had no thought

That I had any talent for this at all Really? Yeah A little I thought I had a tiny Yeah Maybe a little bit When did you start to feel like

No I can do this The first set The first set Yeah But you thought Oh, what? I thought if I, I didn't think strangers would even know what I was saying. Right.

I never talked to strangers, a group of strangers? Yeah. Who does that? You know? I, man, I think about that every once in a while on my way up to the stage. I just get hit with the reality of what this is. And I can't believe I take another step. The idea that I, for some reason, think I can walk up in front of,

all of these people and that what I have to say is funny and important enough that they have to listen to it that I'm going to, that makes no sense. You still feel that? Every once in a while, I'm on my way up. I know I'm funny.

Yeah. But just that this is a thing that there are comedians and that we as a society say we're giving you the mic and you get to talk. Yeah, but first of all, I'm surprised to hear that you still feel that. But second of all, what about the culture now?

From when you started, you know, when I started way earlier than you, that they are desperate for you. That's the weird part to me. Right. Yeah. That they... That's how bad. Nowadays, it's like they need us. Yeah.

Like they never have before. We was like forced our way in. That's what it was in the 70s. Right. Yeah, it was like a little... side hustle. Oh, yeah, exactly. There was all this other show business.

Here's something I wanted to ask you. Because you were very smart and you have a good understanding of the way the world works. Oh, thank you. I saw an Instagram post last night of a guy at Radford. He was at Radford.

And he had done a show there years ago. He was a producer kind of kid. Yeah. Not one person in production. It was a ghost town. Radford is just nothing happening. Oh, really? Where you did Seinfeld.

Yeah. Nothing happening. Studios empty. Nobody working. And he goes, I've heard the rumors that things have been slow in L.A. Holy cow. Really? Like, like, tumbleweeds.

Like, if you ever go past where Jay did the Tonight Show, that place is like Chernobyl. It's like nothing happening. There's nothing going on there. It's like one. one executive just turning the lights on. What has happened? Is that part of show business? What's going on, Jerry?

It's a very easy answer to that, Tommy. Thank God that's why you're here. As you already know, show business, like the culture on which it is based, is not a solid. It's a liquid. And liquids do not behave in organized fashion. They move wherever they go. Why do rivers have these weird paths that they take? There was a rock.

There was some loose soil. There was a building. It's just show business just moves. Really, it's not even really a liquid. It's an aerosol. Uh-huh. It's an aerosol. And it's the gas that just moves to wherever it can survive next.

Right. That's what show business is. not a thing. It doesn't exist. We'd like to thank the good people at Quince for sponsoring today's program. If you spend a lot of time cooking at home, it's time to elevate your game. When your cookware actually feels good to use and is thoughtfully made and looks beautiful on your counter, it just makes the whole experience better. That's what I've really liked about quince. Their cookware, knives, and tableware are elevated, but they're still super practical. Everything is made to last, designed to be seen, and honestly priced way more reasonably than you'd expect for that kind of quality.

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P-A-P-A for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash Papa. But we have shows, and people want to see shows. Okay, then that exists. Right. The second they don't want to see it, that has no show.

Right. That show is gone. Right. And all the people involved with it are gone. Everyone's gone. Really fast. Right. My only, the only good analogy I have that I think will make sense to people is the NFL.

How long does it take when someone steps on the field as an NFL football player that doesn't belong on that field? How long can they last out there? 15 seconds. Yeah. Yeah. That's show business. Right. But, I mean, people want to see stuff.

Is it the model that's changed? Is there another river that's going away for Radford? There's no model. Stop trying to make this a dependable thing. The only thing that's dependable is there's people and there's artists and there's a medium between them. Everything about those three things is going to change every day. Right. Right.

But talent is an action. Substance. Unfortunately, it is not reproducible. It exists like a dandelion breaking through a sidewalk. How did that dandelion get through that concrete sidewalk? There's a crack. How did it do that? That's talent.

We can't make that. We can't plant dandelions under sidewalks that will break through. They just do. Yeah. back to things you think about on your way to the stage. What is the, there are these different moments in your performance that you start,

all of a sudden, you're thinking about that now. You know, you're like, there's this, you know, I'm going through a period where I can't believe that, uh, the playing around with, with pauses,

like I thought going slower was always beneficial, but now, to really land on a joke and let them, I'm always motoring. Yeah. And to really let them digest that idea helps the joke so much more than me trying to just keep talking about the idea.

Just to let them, you know, 30 years in, I'm still thinking of new ways of how to communicate and do all of this. Is there anything on your mind now with your set at this moment that you're kind of playing around with your material or your speed or your, or even as basic as being loud or not loud. What's on your mind when you hit this stage now?

And how many years is this? Next fall, I'm going to be celebrating my 50th year as a stand-up comic. You know the date? No, I don't know when I, it was a catcher rising star. It was in the fall of 75 that I stood online. for the open mic audition night. And I got number one. I was the first person online.

And I went on stage and I did about two minutes, three minutes. Couldn't remember anything that I was going to do. I had no idea that you have to memorize this stuff quite well to do it. I didn't, you know, I didn't know that. Yeah. I kind of looked over and I thought, I'll remember it. And I walked out, I couldn't remember anything. Yeah.

I totally froze. And they laughed a little bit. And that was it. I was done. And then I went home and I wrote a whole new five minutes. Yeah. And I went on stage a couple months after that. And I realized I have to memorize this cold to do it.

Right. And that set I did at a place called the Golden Lion Pub on West 44th Street, got through the whole set. And a lot of stuff worked really well. Yeah. And that's when it was like, okay. Block. Yeah.

So what are you thinking about now when you're out there? Wow, that's a good question. My biggest issue that I have now, it's not an issue, is I can't figure out how to tell the audience I'm 70 because I know it upsets them. And I used to, you remember I used to do that bit about being in my 60s that I'm not going to turn around anymore. Do you remember that bit?

Yeah, I don't want to turn around. Not even turning around. Yeah, I'll see it on the way back or I won't see it or I'll Google it. I can't wait for my 70s. I'm not even going to answer. And it was just like, you just do the, I just, Hey, Jerry, check it out. So me being 70, it's depressing to the audience.

It doesn't depress me. I could care less. Yeah. I have no interest in age. Live, die. I don't care. You know. But I know it's upsetting to them.

Right. I have this really a bit that I love doing. about cemeteries. That it's the only thing that has not expanded like everything else has. We have to make the highways wider. We have to redo LaGuardia.

You have to make taller offers. How come we, that place doesn't need to be bigger. If it holds people, can't get in the restaurant. You know, flights booked, concerts sold out. Cemetery, we got a slot. They never say, yeah, no.

And they have everyone that has ever lived in that city, they're going to hold everyone that's there now and theoretically everyone in the future and they have no problem. They never expand. So I love the bit. It's really fun.

Because it's one of those things no one has thought about and they have no answer for what I'm posing to them. Explain to me how they're doing this. Yeah. You know. I don't know. You don't know.

Anyway, my point is to me it's just funny. It's really a physics bit. Yeah. You know. Right. Not to the audience. The whole bit, which works really well, but I am fighting against their depression at me even mentioning cemetery.

Yeah. They just, you feel the whole room drop. Yeah. I know. I played around with something cemetery years ago and I quickly ran away. Because I'm like, these people are bummed out. Yeah, bummed out. You don't like hearing this.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's interesting if I may make an observation. And I think it kind of harkens to how you work. My question was like, what are you thinking about your performance of it when you're gone the way up there and kind of stopped you a little bit? I think it's because you're thinking about the bits more than you are about the thing.

Absolutely. I think you think so much about the words. Right. that your instrument's going to do what it's going to do. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think about anything. Yeah, but the bit.

Because you have this uncanny ability also to remember every line. And I saw you on Eisen and even going over lines from the show. Uh-huh. You have this crazy ability to remember word for word those lines. Even when Eisen would paraphrase the joke, you're like, yeah. That is remarkable. Not a lot of human beings can do that. Really?

And definitely not comedians. Really? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. People yell stuff out at my shows. Do the la-da-na. What? I have no vague idea.

Like those dreams when you're kind of spitting out your act, but it's not. You really, that is a unique Jerry Seinfeld thing. Oh, wow. Okay. Thanks. Yeah. So you're absolutely right. That's all I think about is I want to do.

These three bits, what are the words? What are the lines? Right. Exactly. Yeah. You know. When you talk about the audience getting uncomfortable about the cemetery and stuff, you made a lot of news about a little while back talking about what you can say and can't say in comedy.

Yes. And there was like a big discussion, you know, about it. Sinatra's talking about songwriting right now. So people were like, well, what do you mean you can't say stuff and you should stay stuff? Which is kind of in the ether of stand-up comedy recently. What do you think people got right or got wrong about what you were saying that? Well, here's the thing that I got wrong. is I didn't know.

This was all press I was doing for unfrosted. I did a bunch of it, and I enjoyed all of it. I did not know that people care what comedians say. That literally came as news to me. Who the hell cares what a comedian thinks about anything? And so the fun thing about being a comedian, I thought, say whatever the hell you want. Right.

No one's listening. No one cares. And if it gets a laugh, you get to do another set tomorrow night. Right. So I did an interview. So there were two things that I have to say I regret saying and that I have to take back. What do you mean? And I'm going to take them back here on the Come to Papa. Is that the name of the show?

This is the Breaking Bread. Oh, this is breaking bread. Yeah. Is that why we have the bread? I have a lot of shows. Yes, normally I would have baked you bread. Yeah. If we were in L.A., I would have brought you bread, but I got you some quassons.

Thank you. You're welcome. So here's two things I regret saying, and I have to take back. Okay. Number one, one of them I didn't say, but people think I did. So it's just the same. I said, I don't play colleges because the kids are too PC and you can't do comedy for them. Right.

Not true. First of all, I never said it, but if you think I said it, it's not true. I play colleges all the time. I have no problem with kids performing for them. In fact, I was just at the University of Indiana, Kentucky. We did UT. I mean, I do colleges all the time. So that perception that I don't play colleges wrong, I do. I play them all the time. And it's not a problem.

The other thing, I did an interview with the New Yorker. And I said that the extreme left has suppressed the art of comedy. I did say that. Yeah. That's not true. It's not true. Now? No.

Again, you want to go back? Let's go back to our solid liquid analogy. Okay. And the other thing that I have said about this, if you're Lindsay Vaughn, if you're a champion skier, you can put the gates anywhere you want on the mountain. She's going to make the gate. Right.

That's comedy. Whatever the culture is, we make the gate. You don't make the gate. You don't make the gate. You're out of the game. The game is, where is the gate? How do I make the gate? And get down the hill in the way I want to. So does culture change?

And are there things I used to say that I can't say that everybody is always moving? Yeah, but that's the biggest, easiest target. You know, you can't say certain words. Right. You know, whatever they are versus about groups. So what? Uh-huh. The accuracy of your observation has to be a hundred times finer than that to just be a comedian.

To just understand, I do this bit now about your kitchen sponge, that it looks up at you at a certain point and goes, really? More? Today, yesterday was not my last day? So that I perceived that people. see that the sponge has gone beyond what I thought I was going to have to do here. I thought I'd be here a few weeks, but this is ridiculous. I'm still working. Yeah. So that's how fine your perception of other people's thinking has to be. Right. So these larger cultural themes of this is not considered acceptable, this is not acceptable. Yeah. So I don't think the, as I said, the extreme left has done anything to inhibit the art of comedy. Right. I'm taking that back now officially.

Got it. They have not. Right. Do you like it? Maybe, maybe not. It's not my business to like or not like where the culture is at. Yeah. It's my business to make the gate.

Right. To stay with my skiing analogy. You make the gate or you're out. Right. So. I mean, when you said it, it was, you know, I remember people saying, well, you're not the type of comic that's pressing these buttons and trying to talk about these things anyway. You're talking about the sponges and stuff, but you were kind of looking at the landscape of just what other comedians.

You know, there are a lot of comedians that were pressing these buttons. That's right. And a lot of pushback, you know, and all that kind of stuff. It feels like a lot of people, there were two camps, really. There were comics that were saying, yeah, you can't say certain things now. And good, why do you want to? Right. And then there was others that were saying, I'm saying whatever I'm going to say, and you can't stop me.

And it actually starts to seem kind of ugly. Really? Yeah, just because the things do change. Musical tastes change. Young people come up and they don't like the songs that you listen to before. Or watching the movies and, you know, they can. kind of culturally change. It is refreshing to hear you say that's not our business, really.

No. Your only business is, do you want to play? Do you want to play this game? Yeah. Here's how it's played. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's like we were talking earlier about the travel thing.

Mm-hmm. Well, I don't like going to airports and changing planes. Well, then get out. Right. out. There's a guy behind you who wants in and you're holding him up. And he doesn't care about the planes and the hotels. Yeah.

And standing next to the friar waiting to go on. He doesn't care. Yeah. Or she. So, yeah. But how often do you say things? I mean, you and how many conversations have we had? Well, I'll say something to you.

I'll make a pronouncement. And then the next day I go, you know what? I wasn't right. We just liked talking. I didn't know people were paying attention or cared. Honestly, the thing I really came to was comedy is hard. Big giant period. Comedy is hard.

You want to make a fabulous living making people giggle? That sure sounds great. It's going to take a lot. It is an interesting moment or it was. It kind of feels like it's kind of ebbed. It felt like when you were saying people don't really pay attention to comedians. That was the thinking was, who's paying attention to us anyway? Right.

And all of a sudden, people were. It was like people who weren't attracted to comedy were jumping over the walls of the comedy island and looking at what we were doing and going back and making declarations. Like, do you hear what these guys are saying over here? Yeah. Like it was this moment. And I think it's kind of, it seems like it's ebbed a little bit. But people who had no interest in comedy, no sense of humor, were kind of showing up and saying,

have you seen what these people are talking about? Really? Yeah, that's what it felt like to me. It was like people, it wasn't people who love comedy or get that this is a joke. It was a lot of people who didn't get that this is a joke and were making a lot of noise about it. And other people were perking up and going, oh, well, they shouldn't be saying that. Yeah. Now it kind of seems to have settled back to, you know, these, they're clowns and they're telling jokes. Right. Right.

Do you think it's a lack of adults in the, in the culture? This is why people started paying attention to. Like, when we were kids, you know, or just throughout media, there was Walter Cronk Heights and Tom Brokaws and there were these babies. Oh, that's what you call adults. Well, you know, the perceived thing of like, there was like news people and then there was Don Rickles. I call you know what I mean? I called it hierarchy. That was another thing I said

that I missed dominant whatever it was what was it? Dominant, I missed dominant masculinity. Uh-huh. Which is probably not the greatest phrase for what I was really saying

was I miss big personalities. Right. That's what I miss. Yeah. And I mentioned some of the, I mentioned Muhammad Ali and Shon Connery and Howard Cosell.

Right. You know. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Because these were all the people I wanted to be like as a kid. I wanted to be. I wanted to have that kind of authority and style. Mm-hmm.

It was really a style thing. Yeah. Everyone conforms more to not offend. Right. I miss George C. Scott. I miss these gigantic personalities. And just because I thought it was a great flavor. in my youth.

Right. And I couldn't believe, and that made a headline the next day that I was calling for a toxic masculinity to come back, which obviously, right. Yeah, we don't need the toxic part. But the big personalities are fun. And they don't know how to be dudes. No, I thought that too. Right. I heard somebody say something about, I think they were talking about famous Amos or somebody.

And they said he was, he was just a, he was a great national character. Right. I love that phrase because people bubble up and it's not just comedy, it's sports, it's cooking, it's whatever. And they become a character for America. Right. And we just love watching Snoop. Yes. We love watching Martha Stewart.

They're national characters. Right. Doing what they do and they're fun to watch and observe and have them be a part of our ongoing cultural show. Exactly. And if you wanted to explain the American political climate right now, there's your best explanation you could come up with. Yeah. Is that. Yeah. We do, we like characters. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Are you going to buy the Trump Watch? I like it. What was it? 795 and 3,000. Are those the two? $100,000. Oh, $100,000. $100,000 for the watch.

But there's another one $7.95, I think. Oh, really? Yeah, like a Mickey Mouse one. Man, talk about a character. I mean, coins, trading cards. Greatest impressionist industry candidate ever spawned. Wouldn't you say? Oh, God.

Who could even compete as a fun president to imitate? Yeah. I was just watching him. talk this morning with somebody. And we just listened to about 30 seconds of it. And we were just pounding with laughing so hard. I always said he's like a comedian from Long Island. Like a big shock comic from Long Island.

Those guys that just went out and banged it out. Oh, that's hilarious. Absolutely. He really is. Of course, Queens is Long Island. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Just has that thing. Yeah. That big insulting, loud comic. That's great. That's so funny. Too much. How is your acting right now? So you and Jim just announced a bunch of dates.

Yeah. And Tom Papa will be on some of these dates as well. Very exciting. Do you know the towns? Yeah, I think I'm doing Montreal and Toronto maybe in Ottawa, maybe. Yeah. And then San Diego, Arizona, Phoenix.

Oh, Phoenix, great. There was a bunch in the middle I couldn't do because I'm out doing it other places. Right. I'm so happy. I mean, we worked together for a long time. Yeah.

And I always remember we were outside your apartment, getting in the car, and you go, I feel really bad for you. And we're going off to do this amazing show somewhere. And you go, I feel really bad for you. in order for you to go on with your career, you're going to have to take worse and worse gifts than what we're about to do right now.

And it was true. Like at a certain point, it was like I can just keep going with Jerry or I can go and do other shit to try and make my way. But I really miss the friendship and the camaraderie of going out and doing the weekends. Me too. And that you guys now are playing the biggest places on the planet.

Yeah. And that we get to go hang and do these shows. It makes me so happy. Oh, I'm so glad. Me too. So happy. I miss, and you'll remember this moment, I would send my car to pick you up.

Yeah. You would be sitting in front of my building, and I would pull open the door and stick my head on and go, Who wants to go to Comedy Town? And you would go, I do, I do. It's the best gigs in the world. Yeah. I couldn't.

I mean, We would fly off and go do like two shows in Atlanta. Yeah. And then fly back. And I would be home in my apartment on 21st Street before my friends that were working at the cellar. Like we would do all of that. And it was so fine-tuned and the best way you could travel. And I would be home in my apartment doing greatest gigs and everyone's so happy.

And before my friends were like even off the train. That's funny. Going back. Well, the way other comedians do get. gigs is a very interesting thing. Yeah. You know, because everybody really does it their own way. Yeah.

The first time I did a gig with Gaff again, you know, you want to be a good friend and get along. And I go, whatever you want to do, Jim, you know, whatever your routine is, I'll do yours and he tried to do mine. Can't really do either one. No. His thing was after the show, we go get a giant steak. So there I am, sawn into a ribeye at 11,000.

30 going, I don't want to be doing this. It's a horrible way to live. Yeah, and then the next morning, oh, my God, the recovery. Yeah, no way. No way. But our thing is, you will find zero adjustments to the gig that you used to do. This will be different with Jim. We'll do it a little different.

Yeah. But maybe we'll do the same thing. Jim likes to stay in his room and work on his stuff during the day. Uh-huh. You remember we would have our breakfast at nine movie breakfast and nine for comedians. Breakfast at nine. Yeah. Breakfast at nine, which 98% of comedians would not be okay with.

Right, right. And then go off to see a movie. Yeah. Eat lunch, go for a walk. Yeah. You get the room from like four to showtime. Right. Yeah.

Like a well-oiled machine. Yeah. Yeah. I remember, do you remember when you gave me this CD? It was an interview, I think an NPR interview maybe. with George Burns. Yes. Remember that?

Sure do. And Moscow, Idaho was the town they were playing. Right? See, this is the Jerry Brain. Yeah. Yeah. I just have it in America. Yeah.

Well, it's a crazy, it's a weird place. Yeah. And she went, she followed George and his opening act maybe and his manager. His manager. His manager. Irving Fine. And they, she was. It was Jack's, Benny's manager.

Oh, really? Then he passed and then they started working together. I know. Yeah. And she was talking about how it's exactly the same every day, the routine and the act. Right. But that George and the manager would talk about the differences

of what they ate or that one line in the show. And to them, it was brand new territory for the performer. It was brand new territory. and she from the outside was like nothing has changed. Right. And that really resonates to this day with me. One new line in your act, you're 12 years old. Yeah, right.

Right, yeah. One new thing to eat on the road like you and your buddy enjoy. It's a new vacation. Yeah. Chuck Martin, I have this bit about, I get everything I know about my marriage and what's happening in my family by listening when I hear my wife on the phone. That's how I get information.

I don't ask her anything. And that when I hear her on the phone, I'm like a deer in the woods drinking from a stream that hears a twig snap. But I didn't have the deer's reaction. I had a few different ones that I was trying and I didn't feel like I had the one. And Chuck, the great thing about working with Chuck, he watches your set and he gives you notes. And he said, the way a deer does it is he picks his head up once and then turns it.

And I went, oh, it is? He goes, yeah, that's what a deer does. I go, oh, okay. So I tried it. And, of course, it got a great laugh. And I went, oh, my God. You know, and I'm so excited about I know how to be a deer now. I've been doing this bit for like a year, but I don't know really what a deer does when it hears the twigsna.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's such a small, it's not you're not even using words. Right. And you can live off that for the next six months. Every time you go do that bit, you're like excited. And the other thing that will happen, as you also know, is every time you do it, Chuck's face will pop into a little bubble in the screen.

That's right. A little FaceTime cube of Chuck's face. That was mine. I will see Chuck's face every time. Thank you, Chuck. How great is that? I mean, I'm trying to explain to somebody

when comedians watch other comedians, what we get. You see all these things. I know. No, you've got to change this. Why don't you doing that, do this? And then you see mine and it's the same. And that's how fascinating way

the comedy works like that. Oh, I've gotten the greatest things I've ever had from comics. Yeah. Just watching you. And why don't you do this line? Yeah. Why don't you explore? I remember Jim Gaffigan telling me about, I had something and I mentioned a portable, portisan toilet.

He goes, why don't you explore that? I went, oh, yeah. Yes, I got to talk about what it's like to use one of those toilets. And then Mark Schiff gave me really one of my favorite lines of all time about the Porta San, which was never marry anyone that comes out of one of those and goes, you know, it's not that bad in there. The best. Equally as frustrating is when you have a great line for someone and it just doesn't fit.

Like they can't do it, right? And every time you hear it, you're like, it would work. Nick DePaulo, I think Nick DePaulo gave me the greatest line I ever. got from another comedian. Really? Which is about the number one fear of most people is speaking in front of a crowd. Number two is death in these massive surveys.

Yeah. And Nick gave me, which means if you're going to a funeral to the average person, you'd rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. It's brilliant. That is as good as it gets. He was a quick mind. Yeah, he's right. We do a thing on this program. You know, we like the finer things of coffee and bread and such, but we also like the stuff you find in a gas station or a 7-Eleven.

And we like to taste them on the program. Oh, okay. Bien-enue at board of Viarai. Embarked and profite. Embarque and celebrate. Rigolet. Publié. Savour.

Admire. and profite. Via Raille, the voice that we're a fan of this kind of thing. Lena, if you can hear me, I love when you always observe when a company starts going off the rails. You always call them the people,

the Oreo people. Have you seen what the cheese at people are up to these days? And I thought this would be perfect for us. The KitKat people have lost their minds. They've got a pink lemonade, and they've got a chocolate frosted donut. What's the matter? Well, it's...

Sad already? Someone needs to tell these people, stop having meetings. Stop it. Don't hire younger people that are full of ideas to help you. Just do what you're doing. Stick to the original. This is the chocolate frosted donut, Kit Kat.

Okay. Mm-hmm. What's the difference? It doesn't, it tastes just like a regular kick-cat. It's not as crunchy. No, they probably haven't gone off the shelves too much. I don't just like it. It's pretty good, right?

Yeah. It's very close. It has a little bit of a thing. This one I'm suspicious of. Pink lemonade. No. Immediately, right? You're not in the refreshment business.

people don't eat a kit cat for refreshment for a cool, cold glass of lemonade. Yeah. A cool, cold glass of lemonade. It's a gross idea. No, not gross. That one doesn't work.

You kick cat people. It's not good enough. It's not good enough that you have been forcing this shit down our throat for decades. We've got to make it worse. These people. That was pretty rough. Don't. The Oreos. Have you seen what Oreos? There's 7,000 Oreos. Yeah. Pop-Tart, too. Yep. So gross. Yeah. That was pretty awful. When you were talking about Gaffing and eating the steak late tonight after the thing. I remember when we first went out and started touring, you were putting together the system of how we're going to do this. And wouldn't it be a great idea to have a pizza?

on the plane. I remember that. And we'll eat pizza on the way back. Yeah. And it was fun. It was fun. But it was, we quickly realized we'll be fat or dead if you have a pizza after every show. Believe it or not, I would say no more than three days ever goes by that I don't think about that.

That pizza, Tom and I used to have on the way home on the plane. That you... Gaffigan and I... I said to him once after we were doing a Chicago and then we're going to St. Louis right after the show. This is my favorite story. That's another new bit I have about people saying the opposite of everything. It's like, have you ever heard a funny story after...

Oh, I have such a funny story. Never one time. But I do love this story. So I... I said to Jim, we were doing, I think we were doing two shows at the United Center in Chicago. How about that? We were kicking ass. God.

And I said, after this, if we pull this off, I go, let's get a big pizza for the plane because I never stopped thinking about it. It was not hard to talk him into that. No. And he knows all the best food in every town. Oh, God, yeah. So he gets some crazy deep dish Chicago pizza and some Mr. Meat Hero sandwiches. that we had heard about. Mr. Beef.

Mr. Beef. Lennos' favorite Chicago place, Mr. Beef. So he gets to, he gets like, I don't know. So I come off stage, he's standing there in the wing with the slice of pizza right in his mouth. I go, not the second we get off. Can't you wait to at least get on the plane? He's like, oh, he says, oh, I didn't know.

I thought you wanted it right after. That's how he eats. So we get to the airport. You're going to love this. That's another part of that same bit. When people say, you'll love this. You won't. You might like it.

Everything's the opposite. We get to the airport. All of a sudden, these cars pull up with lights flashing, people jumping out and like official looking things with IDs and patches and this is like serious, very serious people are here doing something important. We don't know what it is. And we have got a hand truck with pizzas and Mr. Beef heroes that we are wheeling across the tarmac. It turns out it was a medevac heart transplant that they were rushing to save someone's life.

And the four of us, me and Jim, with our pizzas and Mr. Beefs, and the results of that diet right next to us. with emergency doctors and surgeons and medical people wheeling a living human heart in a cooler right next to us. And we're looking at each other and we went, I know. You couldn't get a better argument against what we're doing than that. Yeah. But we're still going to eat it. Still going to eat it.

Totally forget. Tina Fey once said in the comedian. and Cars episode. She loves food. And I was asking her about some food. And then she said, food is the only great reward for anything. Right. Oh my God. There's no greater reward for, you know, any difficulty. No, absolutely. Yeah. I know. My wife and I were kind of like dialing it in and trying to be a little, lose a little, you know, do it as a team, you know. And what other crazy idea you have. And then we both came into New York this week. weekend. Right. I was like, what else you're going to do? We're together. We're in New York.

I'm going to not eat. Yeah. I'm going to eat everything. I'm going to eat everything. There's a bagel place I go to out in Long Island and the guy wears a t-shirt that says bread till I'm dead. It's the best. It's so good. Yeah. Yeah. I got to get you some of my bread for sure. I really want to try it. Yeah. What do you think about it? I'm seeing some stuff on Instagram lately about the superiority of the European bread making ingredients. I'm sure you know all about them. Yeah, yeah. Their bread's way better than ours, right?

I don't know. No. I think, you know, maybe at a time it was, but there's, there are a lot of great milleries that are cranking out like this artisanal flour and not, you know, kind of not mass-produced. And, you know, even King Arthur is solid, all-purpose flour. It's really the technique and how you're doing it. What is the big ingredient that is banned in Europe that we use in our bread? I don't know the name of it.

I don't know. There's something that, like for a store, like for a supermarket bread? No, the bakery bread. Oh. I mean, it's flour water, salt, and yeast. I know. It's something in the flour. Yeah, I don't know.

Jess, my wife had a very funny line this morning. She went out to some restaurant last night. She said, every New York restaurant should just be called salty and loud. That's all every upscale place in the city is. Yeah, I was walking home last night after doing a set, and I'm watching these people and these structures, you know, trying to do fine dining. next to mountains of garbage.

Just giant bags of garbage. Rats smoking cigarettes on top. Oh, no, this is hard to get in here. Rats smoking and rolling dice. They'll be out of here by 10. Oh, the rat problem is so easy to fix, Tommy. Really? Have you ever seen the posts about Turkey?

No. You know what they do in Turkey? No. Hair transplants. No. All the cat, nobody owns cats in Turkey. Right. They don't own them.

But they live all over the city that's filled with cats. And everyone takes care of all the cats. They feed them. They pet them. They don't feed them. I'm sorry. They don't feed them. They don't give them milk.

They don't give them anything. And guess what? There's no rats. Really? Yes, they don't have any rats in Turkey. Oh, that's amazing. Because the city's filled with cats. It's so simple.

You don't even have to pay them. Just be nice to them. Just let them rub up against your leg once in a while. And they'll do that for you. It's so simple. What are we doing? Just stop making cat food and that's the end of rats. Collins is obsessed.

with rats. Yeah, he loves rats. He really thought he nailed it. He said, if I'm mayor, I'm going to put sticky pads out on the entire avenue at night and let them catch them and then roll it up before everyone wakes up so they don't see. Brilliant. He is the smartest guy. He is so. Ever met.

So the end of my sponge bit, which is, I have to say, I'm so in love with. I love it already. It's a soliloquy. Yeah. It is a dramatic soliloquy of the sponge saying to you, you need to buy three packs so that I don't have to die like this. And I had this great run. All this stuff is working. And the finish for it was a line about that he ends up in the garbage.

In with the filth, I've been trying to get rid of my whole life, the irony. And I'm a sponge. but even for me, that's a lot to absorb. And it used to get a great laugh, and then the laugh kind of twisted into a groan, and then it became, I can't finish on a pun. Absorb. Right.

And Quinn said, you've got to move it into the middle of the piece, and then you can do it. Right. And I tried that this weekend, and then he's right. Yeah. You can get away with something like that, a sponge saying,

that's a lot to absorb, even for me. Yeah. Because we're on the journey now. And we go on, but here's what I need you to do. You know, that really impressed me, that little piece of technique that I didn't know. Right. He says, you can get away with it, but not at the end. How great is that just the blessing of having a craft, just that you can noodle around,

like you can still go into the little watch shop and play around with these things. things just as a person to have that for your whole life. It is an amazing gift. It is. But I think you and I would have been probably just as happy making cabinets or being plumbers. Making you and I would have loved to have spent all day with wood. It's not, it's not totally wrong. hammering, sanding, doing drawers, getting into drawers just right.

Isn't that what's, that's to me what stand up is? Yeah, but you know. It's making it just to slide a certain way. I opened for Rickles once. Really? Yeah. Wow. For a weekend in Montreal.

And I just kept serving them up for abuse, you know, like Don, like, you know, are you going to watch my whole set tonight? I mean, last night we just were getting to know each other. But tonight you're going to watch the whole thing? Yeah, Tom, that's a good. exactly what I'm going to do. And at the end, he called me into his dressing room. And he's in his little robe.

He's his little slippers. He's drinking a martini, but he doesn't even make it anymore. It's just ice and vodka and olive. And he held my hand. You know, I'm next to him like a grandfather almost, you know. And he won't let go of my hand. And he goes, Tom, I watch your whole set tonight. Watch the whole thing from beginning to end.

have you thought about a career in food delivery? You bring food to people, you make him happy. You throw in a joke once in a while so you don't kill yourself. And that's what we, if we were making cabinets, you just throw a joke in once in a while. Yeah, right. We probably would have been happy. Right, yeah. Right.

All right, we have to wrap up. Okay. I can do this every day. I know. Right? That's what we do. Is this any different from any time we've ever spent together? I know.

Exactly. No. But before we go, why do people listen to this crap? You said in the beginning, they're very thirsty for it. No, they want to see a comedian perform. They want jokes. They want to laugh.

What is this garbage? This was one of the funniest conversations you would hear. You've put about six bits out. We came up with four more. It's as a set. It's kind of a set. Oh. Yeah.

I mean, you don't show up. You don't show up on talk shows with nothing to say and just see how it goes. No. Right? Like you, when you go do the Today show, when you were doing all your unfrosteds and making all the rounds. Yeah. You come in, you know you're going to be funny. Same with this.

Yeah. Right. Exactly. And that's why, yeah. You know, I have to. to spell it out. You're one of the funniest people on the planet. You are one of our national characters.

They want to tune in and see what you have to say. Oh. Yeah. Okay. I mean, if you started just going off about, you know, boring stuff, maybe. Yeah, cardio. But they know what they know. Yeah, right.

Yeah. They know what they're going to get when you show up. There's a difference between long, steady cardio. Shut up. I saw Fran Leibowitz on Bill Moore the other night. Oh, yeah. And he was doing that thing where he reads the audience's questions off the card. And he said, what have we learned?

And she just jumps in, nothing. What have we learned from nothing? Just the timing. She's so great. And here's another friend Leber which, it's not a friend Leiber with line, but I just want to get it on your show. Uh-huh. that she said, you know how she's, I love her, I've always loved her,

but she's, you know, one of the greatest defenders of New York living in the world, the greatest, let's say. The greatest. And she likes to quote John Updike, who, you know, I'm also huge. Huge fan. Who was a Boston guy, not a New York guy. He lived in Boston his whole life. Yeah, but he was a New Yorker.

I mean, he wrote for the New Yorker. I think he lived in New York a little bit. But anyway, his line on Manhattan is, Everybody in New York City thinks anybody that doesn't live in New York City is in some sense kidding. It's brilliant. You're kidding, right? You live where? Are you as happy as you thought you'd be when you came back and you're like, I remember you saying,

I looked at how people live their life in L.A. as they get older, as they're becoming grown-ups, and they don't seem to be handling it great out there. But here, in New York, people are, you saw like a path for a more elegant, graceful way of being. A more graceful third act. Yeah. Is it holding?

Oh, better than ever. Yeah. Better than ever. Yeah. I don't know how people live outside this city. I don't know how they do it. Like a rat in Turkey. You have no chance.

Cynthia and I were driving down to see the ballet in L.A. to the Sagristram Center. It's like down by Long Beach and we're on the floor. We're just going to see the ballet. We want to do something. And we're in traffic going down two hours past the L-AX too long. and Cynthia goes, you know, if we lived in New York, we'd take one train to Lincoln Center

and this would have been over. Oh, she shouldn't have said that. And would have enjoyed it, the ballet. Yeah, yeah. Because there are people there that actually know what the hell they're looking at. And it's funny because we both love New York and we're in a...

And I'm just gripping the wheel. I know. There's a good laugh to get. Yeah. Follow up baseball question. Yeah. You got your, we love baseball at almost as much as comedy. Almost as much. Almost as much. Almost as much as comedy. Yeah. Curious. When you're watching the game at home just in July, can you walk me through how you, what you're, how you do it? Well, I watched the whole game. The whole game. In the very beginning, I watch, um, every W.B. Mason commercial. You don't mute it. My friend says, you know, you can just record it 45 minutes into the game and zip through the commercials. I don't want to do that.

Right. You want all of them? I want waste my time. I don't enjoy anything else. Anything. So I sit there. I do have my phone. Right.

that I look at from time to time. Yeah. But that's it. I sit. I just sit. And just watch the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Like a cat on the window. It's funny. I was watching the Yanks the other day. And they have this, I think it's a Geico commercial that comes on. No, it's a postmates thing. And it's just, you know, baseball, as you know, they have four advertisers and they play those ads incessantly, nonstop. And my wife came through and was like, wow, they're playing this one again. and it really didn't occur to me that it was a problem

until she said it out loud. Right. Yeah, now it's the commercial. Now it's the Postmates commercial. We're coming back into the sixth. The guy go lizard stuff. Does anyone... Did they even have an idea when they go on that set?

Does anyone even have something on a notepad of any kind? Yeah, just say whatever you want. Does anyone... He'll be here between you two. Yeah, he'll be here. How about this new thing of running through second base? Have you seen this thing that they discovered? No.

Okay. Base is loaded, one out. Okay, yeah. Ground ball double play opportunity to get out of the inning. Uh-huh. Oh. And they're running through second base, harder to get the front end of the double play.

He gets caught in the rundown, but the run scores. because it's not a force out at first. Oh, brilliant. And they just discovered this. Isn't that crazy? Yes. And everyone's doing it now. Just run through second and let them tag you out after.

And in the meantime, the runner from third will score. And which normally on a double play, the run from third doesn't count because of the force out at first. Amazing. Finding a little thing like that, 150 years later. It's so crazy. Yeah. What do you think of the extra innings starting on second?

Don't like it. Hate it. But we got to preserve these people as best we can. Yeah. Can we just do the 10th without the free runner and then do it? If we get through the 10th, nobody wins. Okay. That would be good.

Bob Costas told me that. Yeah, that would be nice. Let's do that. Just have one real extra inning. They don't do it in the playoffs, right? No. Yeah, that's good. Yeah.

You're going to a game right now? No, I'm going to watch the game. We have a deciding game in Atlanta today. Oh, it's in Atlanta. Oh, man, these two games. Yeah, doubleheader. And they have to win one to get in the post. Just one.

Just one. Oh, man, oh, man. Did you and Wallace do the thing where you're going to go do a ball game and then a set at night? No. He told me, I came up with the greatest. Tell me that there's a better day than this. We're going to go to four games. Four games.

And I do a set after every game. It's perfect, isn't it? And I'm in L.A. like, I should move back. I could be doing that perfect thing. Yeah. Yeah, no. You're the best. So are you.

Can't wait for our gigs. Yeah, it's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a lot of fun. All right, man. All right. When you were pretty, you own have braced, you're doing to do things in court of recreat. Always in trying to negotiate and do things.

The appellee-tit-tit-tit-tit-tid. You permit to renouet with this instinct, with without operation gratuite, no amount of minimum and no free menstrual. You're made

for negotiate, and the TD is there for you know,