Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 239 - Julie Bowen

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

Julie and Tom talk religion, childhood trauma, and the joys of 7-11 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------00:00:00 - Intro00:00:30 - Toast00:02:00 - It���s hard to watch yourself perform00:07:00 - Childhood Religion and the Long Island Medium00:16:40 - Boarding school00:18:50 - Being the artistic child00:27:44 - From Modern Family to New Jersey00:37:52 - Uncomfortable Moment00:43:40 - Julie doesn’t consider herself a comedian00:47:45 - Julie’s a boy mom, Tom’s a girl dad00:49:28 - Midwestern cooking00:51:30 - Julie picked up some skills in Italy00:56:03 - Julie hates horror00:58:00 - Tom still goes to church01:07:13 - Taste Test01:12:20 - Julie has no birthday01:14:21 - Julie’s kids won’t look in the freezer01:15:19 - Tom really doesn’t talk about Jesus very much, he promises01:19:10 - Sourdough starter can be like a pet01:22:20 - Julie is a judgmental Pickleball player-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tom Papa is a celebrated stand-up comedian with over 20 years in the industry. Watch Tom's new special "Home Free" out NOW on Netflix! Radio, Podcasts and more: https://linktr.ee/tompapa/Website - http://tompapa.com/Instagram -  https://www.instagram.com/tompapaTiktok - https://www.tiktok.com/@tompapaFacebook - https://www.facebook.com/comediantompapaTwitter - https://www.twitter.com/tompapa #tompapa #breakingbread #comedy #standup #standupcomedy #bread Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We've got the very talented, very funny, very versatile actor, Julie Bowen. You know her for Modern Family, a bunch of other stuff, Happy Gilmore. We had a great conversation. You're really going to enjoy it. She really is funny. I liked her a ton. She has a new show on Peacock called Hysteria, which is really good. She plays a mom with a very different twist for Modern Family.

not that you want something different but she's giving it to you it's kind of scary i baked her bread but truth be told and you know i'm a little upset by this but uh i was coming home from a gig so i made the bread froze it and then that morning i put it in at 200 in the oven sprayed some water on it brought it to life but i don't think it was i didn't give her like a world old-class bread. And I just know she's at her house trying to cut through it, and it's probably a little tough. I don't know. I mean, she's got teenagers, so maybe they just ripped it apart, but I'm a little hesitant. And I wanted to follow up and explain that the bread isn't that great. And we sent word out, we gave her all my numbers, and she hasn't responded. So I'm thinking that maybe it was worse than

I thought. I think we got along. We had a really good rapport. I feel like we're going to be friends, but the bread might have ruined it. Yeah. Which would be really upsetting because the bread is the whole thing of this podcast. Yeah, that's kind of the vibe I'm getting.

I don't want to alarm you, but it doesn't seem. Yeah, we're waiting. I mean, we reach out to everyone, even neighbors, and no one has gotten back to us. Very upsetting. I'll even bring her a new bread. She's got to reach out. If you're listening to this, Julie, please.

forgive me. But you'll enjoy this conversation. This was before she took a bite of the bread. We had a great time together. Enjoy Julie Bowen. I guess you're Italian. It's a giveaway. I mean, honestly, I never put it together. But now, as I look at this, I'm going, yeah. I think he's a little bit of Italian. Yeah, there's a little bit of that going on. From where? New Jersey. Okay.

The only place is more Italian than Italy. Yeah. That's true. Sicily. Mm. And, um, uh, Cinco Terra. Oh, nice. Yeah.

Yeah, everyone says that, but. They don't mean it? Well, there's no real evidence of it. I'm thinking it was probably Naples. And they're like, no, we're from the nicer part. Naples? Oh, because Naples is a little. It's a little hustly, bustly.

It's a little dicey. Yeah, exactly. I was there once for New Year's Eve, and I was like, I think we. I think we need to leave. There's gunshots. I think we need to leave. I think we need to leave. It's a little aggressive. Well, thank you for being here. I like to start off with a toast. A toast. Congratulations on a kick-ass new show. Oh, thank you. I started watching it. It's scary and weird, right? It is, and it hooked me. Really? Yeah. I'm like halfway through the fourth one.

It is like, I was like, I don't watch Joe is my trusty producer, and he was just mocking me this morning that I don't watch anything. and which is a horrible thing when you're a host of a radio show on a podcast. No, I think it's good. You just leave it open. You just leave it wide open. I just don't, I don't know what happens. But I turned yours on and, yeah, it's hooky.

It's really good. Yeah, and I'm all kinds of fucked up in that. You're really good. I'm really good. Yeah, it's a little bit. Everyone's like, why are you doing hard things when you could do, you know, just go be a mom somewhere. And I'm like, she's a mom.

She's a mom that's, like, possessed by the devil possibly, or just totally insane. Which is what I think she is. You do? Well, yeah, I mean, it's really, the way it was sold to me and full-discl I can't watch myself, so I can't watch the show. Oh, you haven't seen the show. I can't watch myself. I can watch chunks of it.

Yeah. But watching me. Why, you're too judgy? Oh, my lord, am I judgy? Just rip yourself apart. Also, I'm just like, that's it. I'm going into a plastic surgeon's tomorrow and I'm just going to have my entire face taken off from reading. That's what all I can think about is if I watch myself.

And those aren't healthy thoughts. What is the, what is the thing? thing you see when you see yourself that's like the thing that you can't let go because I have mine. I see my mom. You see your mom. Who is lovely. Right. We love mom.

And she's lovely. I love you, mom. But I don't want to. I'm like, oh my God, I'm my mother. I'm my mother. And I should get over that, but that's what I see. And I'm like, it's, I've crossed over. I crossed over.

I hear you. What do you see? I see a fatso. You just see. roles. I see like someone ate Tompapa. John Candy's brother. Oh my God. Yeah, I see I'm fat. For some reason, I'm always

fat. And For some reason. I just had a stand-up special. And this time, you know, for Netflix and I was like, I'm not going to judge any of it. I'm not going to even watch all that much. I have to watch it because I have

to edit down the comedy. And I was like, I am not going to nitpick. I'm not going to say it. I'm just going to let I'm just going to let it go. And I have in my head all the things that are wrong with it and how gross I look. Everybody's fine with it. Everyone thinks it looks great. Everyone's acting like it's all good.

So you just make the decision in your mind. You're like, I'm not going to judge this. Yeah. And then you just don't. I just separated myself from it. And I'm like, I'm just going to whatever clips they want to put out, they can put them. They're like, we need approval on the social media clips. You're like, I did the whole special.

I approve it. Whatever there is, I approve it. All approved. I'm kind of going to take myself out of it. It doesn't mean that I'm not still driving in my car coming to see you thinking, wow, I should have just called the special Faddy McFat-Fat. I'll meet you there. It's some magic place where apparently a lot of people go.

I don't know where it is that they all go, but I'm like, how do you look that way? Aren't you 80? And they're like, no, I've been at the special place. I haven't had time for the special place, but we can meet there. Yeah, it's really, it's a hard thing when your business is being in front of people. Yeah, it's hard. But doing hysteria, getting back to that, I wanted to do something, the way it was sold to me was that we all, we all live in bubbles. We all live in like little news bubbles.

And as this election just showed us. And we all think that, you know, we're in an echo chamber, but if you set something back in the 80s, you can really see what happens when you set something in an echo chamber. and it's just a small town where it's just people giving the information back and forth and how it whips everybody into hysteria, which I think is pretty applicable to today. Yeah. Literally today, since all my Democrat friends are losing their minds. It's really interesting.

Like when you say it that way, like if you go back to the 80, you can go back to the Salem witch trials. Yeah. It's the same thing. It's like a psychosis that hits this one group. And it's like when you're in, we all say, oh my God, we're in this, we're in these news bubbles. It's so dangerous.

I'm like, we've been doing this forever. Yeah. We've been isolating ourselves in little bubbles of information for a long time. Now, here's the creepy thing. Sidebar, you look gorgeous in it. I love your hair in it. I love your big 80s hair. Oh, it was the best.

No, but you... Tony Catan. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure you hear it all the time, but you're gorgeous in. The... Here's the thing, though, about this show, which is why it's so much fun to watch. there's some Satan stuff going on and people are trying to figure out

is this Satan thing real or not? And I think that's what's so forget the bubble. Like that might be a real bubble. I guess that's the point you're making. Yes, exactly. It may not be, it is a bubble, but it might be real. Right, it could be real.

And then also by the act of thinking that it's real, are you making it real? Are you creating it? Because I think Linda, my character, I think she's just completely lost her mind. But what's the difference between losing your mind and becoming, like, possessed by the devil? Tortured by the devil. They're the same, I mean, same difference, right?

Do you believe that there's a devil? No. In real life? I think that there are really bad people. Do you think there's an evil force? I don't. I really don't. I don't believe in any of that.

And maybe I should. I wasn't raised with any of it, though. You weren't. No, I'm not Catholic. I wasn't. Although I did, my parents were super low-key, like, see any Christians, you know, at the church and Easter. I mean, Christmas at Easter. Oh, right, right.

Yeah. You know. Once a year. Twice a year. I'm here. You're right in the front. You're like putting the $100 bill in the hat. Everyone's seeing this?

Yeah, not folded. Just twice a year. I'm here. And we had this very impassioned Pentecostal, like born again speaking in tongues woman that would come stay with us. when my mom and dad were out of town. Her name Mrs. Schiller, she was Scottish, and she would tell us how we were all going to hell if we didn't accept Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

And she said, there's room for everyone in heaven except Liberace. It took me years to realize that she was a wicked homophobic. And I was like, what's wrong with Liberace? He has enough here. And I was like, you mean he likes men. I get it. He has enough here? has enough here. He has it, like, on earth he has enough with all his candelabras.

Yeah, yeah. But what she really meant was that he was a godless man lover. And she would just stay with your parents, we'd just leave her with you. Parents would leave, they'd no idea. So she would tell me that if I didn't, they'd go, Jesus could read my mind. Yeah. Uh-huh. And so I was like, because she's like, they'll dangle you over the pit of lions. I'll stop with my bad sky. I'll go. They'll dung you over a pit of lions. And this is what they did in Roman times. And if you didn't denounce Jesus, they would drop you of the lions and I think to myself, denounce, denounce, denounce, I'm out. And then she, you know, put in the kicker, he can read your mind.

He can read your mind. And I was like, baby reindeer. And I'm like, no. So now I'm like, okay, so Jesus knows that I denounced him in my imagination if I was in ancient Rome. So now I have to ride my bike to church every Sunday alone when I'm nine years old. Because the rest of my family is like, we're sleeping in. It's not Christmas.

You're pedaling. And you would go? Yeah. Wow. They just thought I was really spiritual. I was like, I'm trying to save you. I'm terrified. I'm trying to save you all.

Don't you know he can read your mind? Man. Hannibal Berris, comedian, Hennel. He has a great line that I always think about. I forget the full thing of it, but about prayer. He goes, so like it's just like somehow separate from all my other thoughts. You know what I mean? You're just thinking about all this and then, look.

a little bit for God and then back to the madness and deprivity. I always think about the people like, oh my gosh, I just feel so comforted by knowing that my, you know, my, I saw a medium and my grandmother's with me all the time. And I'm like, what about when you're jerking off? Does that not make you uncomfortable the thought of like, like, I'm so comforted to know that my, you know, my nephew is with me all the time. Like, he's 10. Doesn't that creep you out? Like, he sees what you're doing. Just looking at, standing at the end of your bed.

Stop. Like, I know. That medium thing. I was just in Indiana, and I was doing this. It's a very tiny town and a very big venue. And I did okay, maybe like 60% of the venue. I feel like you really framed that well. You set it up well so that there's no way that was going to be a full venue and it's okay.

Yeah. And it's okay. But I looked up on, I looked at like what other shows come in here, you know? The Long Island medium. Yeah. Two shows, two nights, packed. Sold out. To the rafters.

I'm hearing M. M or is it W? It could be W. Yeah. Yeah. That makes me crazy. I know. And I've gone.

You have? Of course. Did you feel like they got close? Yes. I went to one. Our kids went to the same school. I went to a party book for our school thing where you know, you buy tickets. It supports the school.

And it was this medium woman who everybody was raving about. and she contacted apparently my late father-in-law, but I'm divorced. That would be my late father outlaw. I don't know what you call them when you're divorced. Ex-law. And it was literally like, hey, what's up? Like that was the extent of it.

Like, he identified himself and like, I was like, oh, I know exactly. Oh, that actually, that's totally him. And it's like, he just wants to say hi. And I'm like, that's it? It was like not, there was nothing of mo. I was like, okay. You come all the way from the afterlife just to say, hey. I think he said, I see you, and I don't like it.

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While I'm going on dates or something. No. I mean, I don't, I choose not to believe that kind of thing. People want to believe so badly though. I know. They do. And they just are craving any, any little, that's, it's. It makes me what if religion's not better, maybe.

My kids, I never had any religion for them and I thought, oh, that's good. They'll, like, choose on their own. I'm not going to tell them that they're going to get dangled over a pit of lions. Yeah. They won't. And they'll choose for themselves. as they get older. But nature abhors a vacuum.

So my kids, one day, I'm stalling because I don't know whether it's Easter and my parents are clearly at church. No, I have my kids and my husband's at Starbucks and I don't know whether he's hidden the eggs yet. We did them the night before, but I don't know if he hid them. So I'm stalling and stalling.

And all of a sudden I'm like, well, I'm going to change you the real meaning of Easter. And they're like, what? And I'm like making them eat and like slowly. And they're like, can we go look for candy? I'm like, no, no, no, no. some people believe and I go through the whole thing and I'm like Jesus he was killed and I realized I can't even tell them

I can't even say it and they're like how three little boys to like five five and seven maybe they're like how and I was like oh it's bad someone put a bomb in a sandwich I was like what no no one put a bomb in his sandwich well what's worse than putting a bomb in your sandwich and I'm like I still can't tell them. Because I still remember the nails in the hands. And I was like, ah, it was bad.

Anyway, he gets cut down from the cross. He's dead. Three days later, they roll back the rock from the cave and he is, and they go, we know, mom, he's gone. He turned into the Easter bunny.

And I'm like, this is what happens if you don't give them anything. Yeah. It's bad. I know. I was raised Catholic and we didn't raise our kids and we went

You didn't raise them at all. We didn't raise them at all. We just let it happen. And we were in a hotel and my daughter took the Bible out and started pretending to order room service. Like that was the menu. And I'm like, we're sending our children to hell.

Can I get in Revelations? Is the Lovinicus fresh? But at the school Yes. They'd have their thing. And it's, It seems my wife, we grew up in like the same town and went to the same church when we were little kids. And I still poke around, but my wife is not into it.

But she really liked the chapel. Yeah. She did really like the. But it's very non-denominational. Yeah. The school where kids both go. Yeah. It's very like, I mean, yes, it's Episcopalian.

There's a little. I was, I mean, I was raised half Episcopalian and half Presbyterian. I banged between the two. You know, it's funny, Presbyterians, it's just like a religious podcast? This is so bizarre. I know. Well, you brought up the devil in your new show.

I did, I know, I know. But we would, I went to boarding school. I rode my bike to Presbyterian church. Right. There's no crosses. And you got your basic Lord's Prayer. Everybody says the same Lord's Prayer, right? Yeah.

No, I went to boarding school. It's Episcopalian. I'm like, our father aren't in heaven, how it'll be thy name. And I'm singing along with everybody at the Episcopalian school. that kingdom come. Forgive us our sin. I go debts. Everyone turns your head.

I'm like, it's debts. In the past, in Presbyterian church, it's debts and debtors. I know they were very concerned about debts. Did they mean literally financial debts? DBT. I mean, I haven't gone back to do any early translation, but I was like, uh-oh, what else have I got wrong? I'm just going to locate it over here. I'm going to be one beat behind everybody.

Yeah, I'm just one step behind. I was like, debts. They're like, what is that? I was like, no one else says debts. But I was also the only kid riding their bike to Presbyterian Church. How long were you riding on your bike there? A couple years. A couple years.

This is when you were in boarding school or when you were home? Before. I'd say probably about ages like 9, maybe 10 to 13 or somewhere around that. Okay. Yeah. When did you go to boarding school? 14. Okay.

Yeah. Did you like it? I loved it. Yeah. I loved it. Did it feel like... You're from back east. You know, it's not punishment.

No, no. No. It's like, yeah, I was jealous of kids that got to go out on their own. Well, my sister went and she didn't go because she was in trouble, but she, it was clear she was having a lot of fun. And my parents were like, let's put a cap on the fun. Or send her someplace where we can't see it. I think that the benign neglect. from the 70s.

Now it's the 80s. And they're like, what do we do? We're supposed to pay attention? And the consequences? Let the school do it. So I went and visited her and I was like, this is, I'm coming. Really? I want in.

Yeah. It was great. That's amazing. Was this the two of you? Three, three daughters. Three daughters. Yeah. Yeah.

We all went to boarding school. You all went to boarding school. Yeah. And when do you come home? Is it like college? You never go home again. You don't know. You do.

You come home for vacations. Right. But that's it. I mean, and my parents, God, love them. They're all about, like, we're giving you an education. That was very nice of them. Yeah. Thank you, mom and dad.

But when you're done and no breaks, they were like, we're paying for high school, we're paying for college, no breaks. Uh-huh. If you can break, you're off the track, you're out. Right. No skipping. No gap years. No gap years.

No thinking about it. No, like, van trips with the boyfriend. Right. You know, like to like find your. yourself in the mountains and come back pregnant. And yeah, they were like, no. And then they were like, and then you're off the dole. Like, go.

Right. We've given you all the tools. We gave you everything. Then you're free to move about the country. Oh, man. Yeah. What a simple way to do it. Well, yeah, but you've already gone to boarding school.

And then so by the time I get to college. I was like, college, I was like, come on, can everyone just settle down with all the drinking? Just chill. You have to get a boring. I've done this, guys. Yeah, I was done. I was totally done. Wow.

You guys went to the same boarding school? Two of us went to. My older sister, Molly, and I went to St. George's in Newport, Rhode Island. Okay. And my younger sister went to St. Paul's. Yeah, you had to be so much smarter than other kids your age. I always thought that St. George's was a really good school, and it was really challenging. And then we had a scandal that was covered in, like, Vanity Fair.

There was a scandal in the 80s that came out, like, somewhere in the 2000s. So they wrote a big article about it in Vanity Fair. And I was reading it, and it was like, St. George's, where the siblings, the better-looking but not-so-smart siblings were sent. And I went, thank you? I didn't know. I was at the school for the pretty dumb-dums. Yeah, that's hilarious. I thought it was very challenging, but I guessed that.

That's indicative of how dumb I am. I could roll that into a compliment. It was a great school. That's really cool. Did you act when you were there? Yeah, I did. I did. But I never was like full-bore acting because it...

Like, do you brothers, sisters? Sisters. Older, younger? Two younger sisters. Okay, so you're the only boys, so it was like you could do whatever you wanted. Yeah. Yeah. Did you guys get like assigned roles in the family?

What do you mean? Well, like, in our family, my younger sister's brilliant and always has been. That was her, she was going to be some kind of doctor. It did not matter. Like, I don't think she is a doctor. But I don't know whether that was planted into her from like birth or. Yeah. But there was simply no other path for her.

And my older sister was the actress. And that, and they were like, what do we do with you? And I was like, do we have to know? I'm eight. But I was the artist. And they tend me to art classes. I think they were super antisocial and really shy and introverted. You were?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. But then it turns out that actually my older sister was the artist and I was the actor. Oh, interesting. But for a long time, it felt like you weren't allowed to break out of that lane. Yeah. It put you in the lane.

Did you show aptitude for that? Are you able to? I mean, I can draw a pair. Oh, that's good. Over and over and over. I literally went to, because it wasn't good. I couldn't catch a ball or throw a ball. So they were like, so sports are out for you.

And I was like, wait, that's it? Like, well, yeah. But at boarding school I found out I could run in a straight line. And I was like, oh, running counts? They're like, nope. But until then, they were like, sports are not for you. You don't have any friends. So you're not super social.

You stay home a lot and read books and you doodle. So we're going to send you to art school on the weekends and I would go to these art classes at this lady's house with all these adults. And like you would draw a pair and a vase. Did you take to it? Did you feel like you were at the time? I associate that time with being like feeling like pretty much of a loser

because I was like, I know why they're sending me here. Right. They can't figure it out. They're trying to encourage something that they see, could be possibly a talent, like a seedling of a talent. Yeah, yeah. But it was sort of like, oh, like, you know, I come home with my little drawing of a pair. And, like, did you make any friends?

I'm like, no, they're all 40 and someone's naked, too. Because there's, like, nude live drawing in the other room. That's hilarious. Yeah. But there weren't many kids there. So as a mom, did you look at your kids like, I have to find a lane for them? Or did... I'm so guilty of that.

I'm so... Yes. You replicated it? And I hate that. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I mean, it's an interesting thing. I talk to somebody,

Barbara Corcoran, you know, from... Of course. She was on the podcast. And her... Humble brag. Or just a big brag. Yeah, just a big brag. Just a big fat brag.

She came from a big Irish family. And the mother was the... She gave everybody a designation. And hers was real estate. state mogul. I think it was. I forget what it was actually. But it was very interesting. Like she just picked, you know, you're this one and you're that one. And even when you're telling this story. Did everybody stay in their lanes? No, probably not. But there is something cool about at least as the parent being aware, like that you even have the radar up for when they're very little.

I think right now there's a lot of, they're 28, you'll find it, you'll figure it out. You'll figure it out. There's something cool about like five, six years old being like, at least putting the notion in their head that they should have a land. But then you're supposed to be so exceptional. And like my kids, of course, I'm madly in love with them. They own me. I have three boys. Right. A 17-year-old and two 15-year-olds.

And they are like the greatest. But they're not exceptional. Like one of them didn't, I didn't hand him a tennis racket and he's, you know, Roger Federer. Right. You know? Yeah. But they're none of them that are like all of a sudden showing this like a rocket science aptitude.

But they're cool kids. Yeah. And they have fought me on the lanes quite a bit. They have. Well, the oldest is just like does his own thing. He's actually finding, he's super into sports photography now. And that's like great for him. Yeah.

And I haven't seen him since he got his license. Oh, really? As far as I know, it's going great. No, he called twice once when he got in an accident and another. time when mom your car died i'm like oh now it's my car the car that you've been driving for the last six months now it's mine because because it just took off and doesn't stop driving yeah died yeah it's interesting though i mean did you when he says when they say like i'm fighting you on the lane are you like no get back in this lane or it's with my one of my twins is is quieter and he reminds me

at that age. Right. And I keep reminding myself like, he's great. But I'm like, why aren't you out every night like your brothers or why aren't you,

you know, obsessed with something? Yeah. He's just, he's like a normal, lovely kid who I love spending time with and I have to remind myself that that's perfectly fine. Yeah. It was fine for me

and it's fine for everybody. But there's this idea that everybody asked, by the time they go to college, they're supposed to know. I know. Well, also at eight, $80,000 a year, you're like, no, you're not reading a book and crushing a beer can into your head.

You're going to, like, missing classes. Like, you're going for business or something. I don't know. We had a moment where my daughter was, she's since graduated college, but it was like the middle of college. My wife was like, have you ever heard her say anything about grades? I'm like, no, no, it never came up. Was this like the middle of the night? Like, Tom, you wait?

Yeah. All of her big things come as soon as the light goes out. Have you ever heard her talk about grades? I guess the assumption is she was doing okay. She was doing okay. And I, yeah, there is that thing of you want to keep an eye and you want to guide them. Yeah. But there's also a big part of just letting go.

Well, she must have been a decent student. She loves school. Okay. Yeah, she was, yeah. How about your younger one? She has to give us a report every week. of all of her grades. She doesn't love school as much.

But do she keep more of an eye on her academic career there? No. But then we pay for it. And we're like, what do you mean you didn't get credits for that? And he's like, well, I failed. You're like, we want? Huh? I know.

I'm facing that. I dropped that class. And it's so bad. And then you're like, wait, what? I told you that. I told you. You told you. You weren't listening, Dad. Oh, my gosh. She's, yeah, she has, she's more artistic and has, like, this other bent, and I'm kind of forcing her to get a degree because she needs to grow up and learn life and do all that stuff.

What's the degree going to be in? Public relations. Okay. She just asked me the other day, what is public relations? Wait, wait, wait, wait. You said you're getting a degree in public relations. It's, like, six months later, she's like, one question. You're like, well, when I do a carpet, you hold my jacket and you pull me if Us Magazine gets too chatty. That's going to be your job. Yeah, you're going to meet people at the morning show.

You're basically going to babysit idiots. Right. Needy actors who think they're fat. Yes, exactly. You're going to tell them they're not fat. They're going to tell them that they're beautiful and they're doing a great job. carry two flossing picks in your pocket in case there's an emergency. Right, exactly.

Yeah, that's come to your job. Yeah. No, she's, she, the thing, like with the photography, she got into makeup. And she started becoming a makeup artist in high school and started doing people's makeup and special effects and got a degree at mud. And all of a sudden this motivation came in and she just was lugging her stuff and leaving at seven in the morning. Isn't that crazy?

And we had no idea. was coming, but then she found it on her own and had a passion for it. And we no longer were making her do something. That is remarkable. And it's all you hope for kids. I, you know, I'm amazed. What's mud? Mud is this makeup, like, university in Burbank.

Okay. And everybody, like, now that I'm like, I was just getting like makeup done for some TV thing the other day. And I'm like, where'd you go? Yeah, where'd you go? I'm like, yeah, my daughter does this. You know, I'm trying to like figure stuff. and they all have gone through mud at some point. That's great.

So she already has like, that's all you can hope for, especially now that, you know, we may be entering like a post-apocalyptic hellscape of America. Right. We don't know. But you'll need makeup. You'll need, we need people who can, like, do stuff. We don't need people who can sit around and yap.

And, like, we need people who can weld and do makeup and cook and, like, do things. Yapping goddess into this problem. Well, yapping is how we got here. Yes. Exactly. Congratulations on a cool thing. I'm going to give you a compliment now that I've been thinking about since I was going to come see you. You did this amazing thing of playing this character for a very long time.

And watching you in hysteria, you, and I don't know if it's, I don't know how much of it is. the character that you played or how you're approaching this next chapter. But it's not like you were locked into like old TV where we had Henry Winkler on and his thing of like running from the Fonz was a big thing of his, you know, of course. And he was able to do it and have this beautiful other career later on. But for you to do it so quickly,

it's almost like you weren't so, you're so. Oh, wow. That's really nice compliment. You know what I mean? Like you're not like stereotyped as that character. You play this beautiful, funny character for all these years, but I could totally see you going in other places, and this show really shows that I was right.

You were right, and I think that that's what everyone needs to know, is that Tom saw all this coming. Thank you. That is all I ever wanted was to get to play different kinds of things. I've always, I mean, I love being Claire Dunphy for 11 years. 11 years. Greatest freaking job. I would be there.

I'd still be there. Yeah. If they were like, they're like, now you're a great grand. mom. I'm like, great. I don't care. I do it. Let's keep going. But if I can't be Claire Dunphy on Modern Family, I don't want to just do that thing. Right. Everywhere. So I needed to do something really, take a real flyer. And when he's like, when the writer, show creator, Matthew Scott Kane talked to me about it and told me where the character was going. Yeah. I was like, well, is she possessing the devil? She crazy. He was like, you tell me. And I was

like, okay, now I'm interested. I want to. do that weird thing. And I also happened to know that I'm a little crazy. So I didn't, I knew, I was like, this is going to be a little bit fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm a little nuts. Yeah. I mean, we all are. Yeah, it's great. It's like, oh, you can go play any role that you there's not, there's not going to be that. Well, I don't know when I'm ever going to be hired again. Like, don't you have that? Like, oh, you're never, this is every job's your last. Well, yeah, of course. Well, that's what one thing I really wanted to ask you, what was it like, what did it, I mean, I've only been on shows that have a life of six episodes. By the way. So,

So for you to be on for 11 years. How much fun is that when you are a hit and you know we're no longer worried, are we getting canceled? And you just have it, is it just heaven? Yes. God. Yes, it is heaven. And I just had my twins. I was pregnant with them on the pilot.

So I went right into work and I had so much stress at home between having three little babies and getting up in the morning to go to work. And to have the thing that usually is really stressful for people work. Right. be like on lock. Yeah. That was the best, the easiest part of my day. God. Wasn't the best part.

You know, I love being a mom, but like, yeah, it was fantastic. Anna, we were in town. Oh, I know. In L.A., imagine. That's so, I don't understand why it's unusual that people have TV shows in Los Angeles. I can explain. You can? Well, it's because every, we don't, we don't have enough tax credits and rebates and all that.

That's all it comes down to? Then why did the government let that slip? Why would they let that go? Um, you know, that I can't answer. I don't understand that one. I think that they're just obsessed. I think if you look at California, it's a big state, right? And you've got all these people who are like areas that don't do very well, farming communities, questions of immigration.

And then you've got like big, big billionaire tech land. And then if you've got Gavin Newsom or whoever saying, I think we should give Hollywood some more subsidies. They're like, go fuck yourself. Right. You know what? We don't have. lot of things. Not the billionaires. They're fine. Yeah. But I mean, a lot of like, you know, farming communities or there's places where there's

drought and there's no water here, by the way, just FYI. Southern California. Like, we live in the desert. So I can see that it's hard to go because we look like we've all been, you know, like we're pampered little pets and now we want more. But don't they know whether we're the most important? We are only, Tom, we're only the second largest economy. We're only the second largest economy in California. Not the first. Come on. We do all the shows.

But we are so fun. I know. I know. We're good at parties. We are. What would you do without us? I know. We get dressed up.

We complain. Where'd you do hysteria? Georgia. Mm-hmm. Lovely. We love Georgia. I enjoy it. But you live here.

But I live here. I was on a plane every, a lot. I was on a plane a lot. And now I'm doing the long awaited. I know you've been waiting for this, Tom. Happy Gilmore, too. Oh, I was waiting for this. In New Jersey, and I go once a week.

You do? Once a week for 12 weeks. To New Jersey. To New Jersey. Where do you do the first one? Vancouver. It was in Vancouver. Yeah, it was in Vancouver.

And I just stayed. But now I got three kids, and it's New Jersey. And I don't even have a big role in this one at all, which is great. It's fine. There's 165 people in Happy Gummore 2. Well, that makes me really depressed because I tried to get on it. You could say you're in it. No one would know anything.

And I literally, my friend Flannie, who runs Largo, who's good friends with Adam, we were at lunch and he said, and I was going to New Jersey because my kids are back there. I'm going to be there. I'm just purely, if you want to take $300 off the travel budget, I'm going to be in New Jersey. And it didn't happen. There is, every day there is another person when I walk into set. I'm like, what? It really feels like a, like a class reunion or something.

And then, and then adding classes from all over the entire world. And like, a lot of like musicians and I don't know what I'm doing there. Everybody wants to be in it. Yeah, it seems like it. What if you're going for 12 weeks? It's got to be a pretty big one. But no, like a once a week for 12 weeks. I go like one day.

I shoot and then I know my role is very small. But it takes place in there's a long, there's a big long montage covering how we get to now from 30 years ago. Right. That's funny. And since it covers so many time periods, they can't shoot it all at once in one location. So I look like a big, you know, all my friends are going to be like, you were gone all of the fall of 2024. And this is it. I'm like, I know, but it was fun, and I loved being with Adam, so I don't care. How would you feel about doing a film like where you got to go away for six months to like Budapest or something?

I mean, I've always, back when I would get offers on things like that, when I was doing, I was doing modern family and I would say no, because I wasn't going to leave my kids. Yeah. And, you know, everyone's like, oh, those offers are going to go away. And they did. And they did. luckily, I mean, I don't have that much time left with them with the kids at home. I don't think I'm going to be going. I almost, I took a job in Australia.

Yeah. And then I think COVID happened or they lost their funding or I don't know. Right. So I haven't stepped out on that limb yet where it's like I'm really that far gone for a long time. Right, right. Man, when I watched actors, like I think I travel a lot as a stand-up, but when actors, like, They just, they're gone for like a year. They're gone.

Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, it sounds like you're still married, right? Yeah. It sounds like you like your wife. Yeah. Just gonna let that sit there for a minute. No, we're good.

24 years. So, like, and you co-parent, now you're an empty nester. You can do whatever you want. Almost. What do you mean? Well, we have these dogs that are still alive. We didn't time it out right. Did she go on the road with you?

No. But then she can take it. care of the dogs. Yeah. So it's fine. But she'd like to like, I was like, let's go back and live in New York for a couple months. Oh.

We can't. Dog sitter. Yeah. Dog sitter. Dog sitter for three months? Rent your house out. It comes with the dogs. I would do it.

I've done it. We do a thing on this podcast called an uncomfortable moment. I thought we've had so many. There's more. Would you be nice. I know, you're so nice. That's why I came here where they were like, Tom Papa. They gave me this whole list of things.

And I was like really kind of burnt from doing press. Yeah. And I felt like I wasn't bringing my best self to the table. And I was like, I need to find. And I was like, oh, I can show up for Tompapa. Oh, that's so sweet. Because I, no, you are always really freaking funny and so nice. Thank you.

I like it when you get mad too. You do? Yeah. You get all ranty. I like it. That's why I hesitate when you asked if I was happy with my marriage. Because you wanted to get ranty. No, because I figure we could start dating.

Oh. So this is another thing we do on this program called An Uncomfortable Moment. And you very deftly went from one of America's most lovable moms to kind of a scary mom in hysteria. Indeed. And we have our Cracker Jack staff do some research. And I don't know if this is you trying to get this role or if you actually got this role. But it seems like you're going to be the new clown in it. Oh, my God.

Oh my God. Like I told you I can't see scary things. I've never even seen that movie because the advertising alone. You're really not opening your eyes? It's so creepy and scary. I can see that. How can I, wait, and let me look again. Let me see. Hang on.

How is that my, oh, it's my teeth. It's your eyes. No, but those teeth that I'm like, how do I know that's my face? And it is. And I'm like, oh, it's my big teeth. I said, does it look too much? I have all my teeth. I have extra teeth.

And you can see all of them right there. There they are. So is this going to open up a whole horror thing for you? You know, I really have come to, I think this was a real education for me. Like doing anything in the horror world, genre world, because I don't know anything about it. I was like, whatever, who cares? And then you find out there are, there is a history here. And there are people like Bruce Campbell's on the show.

And he, we went. did Comic-Con. Oh, yeah. And it was like, all hail the king. Amazing, right? It was great. It was great to see him in his element like that. It was great to see.

And he's riffing about this and that and evil dead. And I'm like, oh, this is, this is an entire world that don't sleep on horror. Like, I don't know. I don't know. Right. I just am a scaredy cat. You are? Oh, God, yes.

You really are? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't like being scared at all. You don't. So you've never seen it. No. No. No. I saw... The shining? Have you seen the shining? I've seen a lot of it. You have. But it had to like, lights on, like...

And bail out. I saw... Because your thing's scary. I know. I know. But when I'm doing the parts that I'm doing, actually, it was not... Do you haven't gotten into the last episode was the worst? I mean, it was great. But I'm like, in a really bad way. the last episode. I'm not, I'm not good. Yeah, you're not heading in a great direction. And it was like, those were, it wasn't like a fun, you know,

five-day modern family shoot where we're usually go home at lunch. Yeah. We had a breezy schedule. This was like, you know, 14 hours a day and in the crazy makeup and I'm not doing well and things are happening to me.

So emotionally. Yeah, and I was like going back to my hotel room at two in the morning, like, I don't, I don't like, I don't feel so good. I guess this is like real acting or not real acting. Maybe I'm just a bad actor and I'm like actually have to pretend that I'm possessed by the devil. But it was very challenging.

No, it's intense. It's intense. It's hard. Yeah, no, because I mean, it's so real. Just watching your first, I'm not giving anything away, but your first kind of possession. I mean, it's intense. Yeah. Well, also, you feel stupid like as an actor.

Like you're hanging out at craft service and you're like making fart jokes or whatever. And then they're like, okay, first team and you have to go like, oh, uh, you know, and she starts feeling really dumb. And you're like, okay, I guess I'm just going to go sit in the corner of this fake church and like rock back and forth until they're ready for me. Yeah, man. And I'm like, oh, wow, this is this is kind of intense and weird and hard. But yeah. Did you like tapping into that after being funny and real? Because you were also very real in modern family, but you're also very funny.

It was, yeah, it's cool to get to do something different. And because, you know, if I die and on my tombstem, they write Claire. Yeah. Just Claire. That's it. And everyone gets it. And everyone goes, I get it. I would be perfect.

I would be happy. Yeah. But Claire, there's no sign of Claire coming back. So I would love to say I'd like to retire and raise sheep or something, but I don't really want to. like it. Yeah. So I got to do something different. So this is, it is fun. Yeah. It is fun. Because by the way, people like, I wasn't, I didn't do comedy before modern family. Risa's knows a thing or two about great combinations. Chocolate and peanut butter, obviously, but there's more than one way to Rises. From indulgent Ries's big cups with caramel

to crunchy Riesces pieces and Riesce's miniatures, there's a delicious Rises for every mood. It's the same combo you love, just with more ways to enjoy it. whether you're snacking, sharing, or just treating yourself. Nothing else is Reese's. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm like, I mean, I did, like, I did comedy-esque. I did like Boston Legal, a show called Ed.

But I would guest star is everybody's crying girlfriend. I was like, that was my, that was my jam. I was like, watch, I'm the crying girlfriend. But, so it's fun to get to tap back into that. Right. Were you funny in your real life? though, because you're funny. Just talking to you, you're funny.

Like, were you known as funny with your friends? Once you started getting friends. I know you didn't have any when you were a little. I did have me for so long. I had them. Just not very many. They were, like, my two best friends were ballerinas, and they were always off doing ballet,

and then I was at home. Yeah. I, no. No? Do you think you're funny? Do you consider yourself funny? No. Really?

Not really. I think. I think I was raised in a house of girls and my sisters are very funny. And I was, when I'm around them, I'm the quiet one. Like I get very quiet because they are so. Really? One is very boisterous and she's all personality. And the other one is just like crackling wit.

And I just kind of get really quiet. It's so crazy. It must be on like 11 because you're not a shrinking violent. I was going to say a. fading daffodil. I knew that was you're no Delta Don. I bake this bread for you, by the way.

Thank you. I was wondering if that is real. Yeah, I made it. A year ago. No, here's my bag. Wait, you made that bread? Yes, I baked bread, and I baked that for you. Okay, like I get to take it home?

Oh my God, you just, you're saving me. I was worried about it, because I don't look like someone that eats bread. No, on your Instagram, I was like, I think she might be a runner. Yeah. As I see running shoes. Yeah.

And I was like, I hope she eats bread. Yeah, I do eat bread. I do eat bread. You never know in L.A. Yeah, but you know what? Yeah, you do never know in L.A. But I also have three boys. Right.

So everything gets eaten. Right. And like they, that's why I'm like, oh my God, I show up with this. And they're going to be like, that'll be gone while I'm driving home from school. They're just going to eat it with both hands. I'm going to be a huge hero. All right, good. But I went to boarding school to answer your question about being funny or not funny.

I went to school with all girls. I was raised with all girls. I never hung out with boys. I didn't really know boys. And then when I finally went to boarding school and hung out with dudes and I realized I was kind of... I mean, it used to be called a tomboy. I don't know what we call it now. I mean, like, the way I dress is still...

These are my children's shoes. I'm not going to lie. They outgrew them, though. So I kept them. I love them. And finally, I kind of found, like, I love women. I got a lot of great girlfriends now. But at the time, I felt like it was this choice between, like, lip gloss and then, like, crying.

And you go to, like, sleepovers with girls, and there was sort of, like, a competition to see who could cry the most. And, like, what's my God? And whispering in closets. And I was like, I hate this. And I never understood why all the girls got up to go to the bathroom at the same time. Yeah. But still to this day, I'm like, what are you doing? I feel like, this is what we do.

And I'm like, but we don't do anything in the bathroom. We don't have to travel as a pack. It's fine. But when I finally, so I got to hang out with guys in boarding school for the first time, just as like peers, not like dating them or anything. And I was like, oh, I think I found my people. Oh. And I found kind of my jam.

I found like, oh, there's a space that is, I imagine a lot of kids now live in. that's much more casual and laid back. But when it was like you had to wear a skirt and a dress and, you know, I had to curtsy to the headmaster every morning at my elementary school. Really? Yeah. Really? Curtsy.

And so it was like this very girly girl thing that I wasn't super into. It's not like I thought I was a boy. Right. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just didn't feel like a girly girl. Yeah, that wasn't your... That was my jam. So then I had to hang out with these like dudes.

and I was like, oh, I see, there's more, there's more. How cool are you ended up with three boys? A little bit surprising. Surprising? Well, I didn't, I didn't know what, what do you do with little boys? Like, I knew what to do teenage boys, and that's like hang out with them. Yeah. But now I have teenage boys, they're like, Mom, we're not hanging out of you.

Are you kidding? Like, go away. Wait, no, no, no, no. I'm great with teenage boys. Thank God for their friends. Yeah. Because their friends will come and hang out with me. I'm sitting in the kitchen watching, like, Survivor and, like, just hanging out.

But their friends will come and hang out with me. And they do like me. But my own kids are like, Mom, that's so not cool. I'm all girls. It's all girls in my house. I know. But isn't it weird? Like, just their parts.

Like, when they're little and you're, like, doing diapers and something, you're like, so many boy parts. Like, I never seen boy parts. until they had like a purpose. Right. You know? In development. And they were like, I had an interest and they had an interest. There wasn't casual genitalia, like of little boys in my house or anywhere in my life.

I literally didn't know boys. Yeah. So you're learning it. I had to learn it on the fly. I didn't know that they would pee in your face a lot. And now they ignore you. So you had like this little gap in the middle where it's like. They're like, they're coming back.

They're starting to come back. Yeah. But it was like getting dumped by three guys at once. Because you're like, guys, let's go to dinner. I'm going to tonight, I'm not cooking because I'm a terrible cook. Let's go out. And they used to be like, yay. And they're like, so?

Are you going to make us take, but not be on our phones? And I'm like, yes, I'm going to make you not be on your phones. Of course. I know. Yeah. You're not a good cook? I can make a couple of things. Was your mom a good cook?

No. My mom is a lovely salt of the earth Midwesterner who likes to, to boil, bake, or fry everything until it's the same color. And then you put butter on it. Like I said, I was just in Indiana this weekend. And you go to these places, it's farms. Everywhere you look is farms. You sit in a restaurant and you're like, can I get a vegetable?

They're like, why? They're like, we have some lima beans. You're like, what is a lima bean? Like, why do you have it? Yeah. My mom made liver and onions once a month. or maybe once every six weeks we had to eat it. Oh.

And that. That's rough. Well, she thought it was, I mean, I'm sure, I guess it's good for you. I say it's really good for you. It's a fucking purifying organ from a cow. It takes the toxins out of a cow. And like, it's like taking a filter, a dirty oil filter out of your car, right? Yeah.

And then they're like, no, no, no. But this, this is the stuff. Oh, the smell. So intense. Did you eat it as a kid? Yeah, a couple times. But I think there was such a revolt that it never made its way back. We, we, it was probably, it felt like it was once a month.

It was probably once every two months. But I would, that was like, that was her big step outside of, you know, boiling something until it was beige. Were they, what's their, their heritage? Midwestern or so German, Swedish. Okay. On that side, yeah. My mother just made a sour brotten last night. A sour brotten.

That is very German. Yeah. Her father was German. But that means you're using kraut? I mean, using cabbage? Yeah. Yeah. I still, you know what?

When you have to torture a food into behaving, that's when... Even the meat for that has to, like, three days of... Right. When you have really taking the worst cuts of vegetables. What's the worst hardest vegetable? Yeah. Got it. Cabbage.

Now let's take some cut of meat that nobody knows that it is. Yeah. We're going to pickle and boil it. Right. We're going to, yeah, we're going to marinate it for three days. And then it's going to be. Then it'll be chewy. But really chewy.

Yeah. No, not for me. Can you bake? Ish. Ish. I can do a couple. There's a couple of things I can do. I can do, like I lived in Italy for a year.

Ooh. So, and my upstairs neighbor, this like old no-na taught me how to make risotto. Really? And. Really? That's a good thing to know. Here's the trick. One spoonful.

at a time of the broth goes into the rice and you never leave it alone. Yeah, you stay there for an hour. You never leave. This is not a dinner party food. This is what she yelled at me in Italian the whole time. Never leave. And that... How old were you in Italy? That was my junior

year of college. So I was like 20? 19. What part? 19. Therese. Oh, beautiful. God, for a year. I know. For a year. It was heaven. It was so nice. But to be a I mean, this was, I'm old, it was a long time ago, and where they still, like, as a blonde, they would, like, go nuts. They would just follow you around and drop trowl.

I'm not kidding. And I was like, I, again, a fairly, like, sheltered background. Yeah. It's a lot of man on display. They would just drop their pants. Jeez. Like, if I was going to go, oh, well, now, now I get it. Let me come home with you.

I see. Thank you for showing me. Let's go. I had no idea. I didn't know. Thank you. My wife always talks about when she went with her blonde friend, Vivian, through Europe for summer. And the power of the blonde.

It was insane. In Europe was just nuts. Like my wife, when we were like, we're going to Italy. And my wife was like, I don't know if we should go. I've seen what they do there. They are very, I mean, I had a great time. Yeah. But I came back, like, talk about having a mouth on me.

Because I was like, uh-uh. Like anybody looked at me sideways because you kind of had to be that way. You had to be that aggressive. Yeah. But then I remember once being late, we lived really far. We were renting an apartment really far from school. Yeah. And being late one day and just being like, look at a guy and get on his Vespa.

And he was going to, I know he'd take me. He's going to, I mean, to school. Right. He was taking me to school. And he did. Right. And I was like, sometimes it works. Yeah.

Sometimes it works for me. I can use this. Just get on that Vespa and go. Sure. Why not? I'm late. I know. Those Italian women, though, with the espresso and a cigarette on the vespot, in a fur coat, I was like, they were goddesses. I'm amazing. How did they do it? I know. Just like, so cool. So cool. They're all so cool. The guys, just like an espresso and put the jacket over the shoulder and out the door.

But, you know, you can buy a house there for one euro now. Like, not in Florence, but like a lot of towns. But you have to live there, right? Don't you have to? You got to put money and you have to redo the house. Yeah. Yeah. You have to. live there. Did you ever see that? Who's the actress from Goodfellas? Lorraine Brocko. She had like an HGTV kind of show.

Oh, she got somebody else to pay for it. Smart. Buying one of those homes and like, okay, we're just going to flip this and make this into a thing. There's like one guy who does stonework. They're like in this like, I mean, it's pretty intense. I mean, stonework, it could, it's, it's, if there's only one plumber, for like 400 miles.

No, there's just one guy who does stone. And nobody else. There's no carpenter. There's no plumber. He's carving the pipes for you out of stone. It looked really, because I always, oh, that'll be, yeah, why not? Let's get a house there. Well, nobody lives there anymore.

Nobody lives there. It's really sad. I know. And I'm like, no, it's the greatest country in the whole world. I know. It's so beautiful. I know. But they are not, they're not motivated to, to what, I'm on.

not sure. Yeah. Make a country. I'm not sure what happened over there. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know either. Well, a lot of people left the South to come here.

Yeah. And then. And why did they do that? Because there was nothing. There's no industry. There was, they were all poor. Okay. That tracks.

Yeah. Yeah. They came over and made Staten Island. Or Jersey. According to you. Yeah. It's more Italian than Italy. Yeah.

I can't believe that you're in a scary thing, but you don't like scary things. I can't watch. I went and visited my sister at Vassar, her freshman year. Oh. And we were getting a little lit, had a few drinks at her dorm. And we went to some, they turned to the, it was called the Owla. I don't know if it's still there. It was like a cafeteria.

But on the weekends, they would turn it into like a dance club. Oh, yeah. Because as one did. And I went in and we were dancing to the pet shop boys and I'm really placing this in time for you. And on the wall they were projecting Nightmare on Elm Street with no volume. Maybe it was around Halloween. I have no idea. Yeah.

I was drunk. And they're projecting this on the wall. Yeah. And that's the most of a scary movie I've ever watched. continuously and I had to sleep with the lights on for months. For months. For months, I was terrified. I went back to my boarding school and I had a single.

I never made that era. I was terrified of that movie. This might be why you're so good in this. I'm very easy to scare. Yeah, there's a real fright. It's very real. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm really scared. My parents, when I had a fever when I was like in probably junior high. And I had a fever and they left me on the couch while the exorcist was on. Oh my God. I slept on my sister's floor for, I think, two weeks. So you know, right. You had a fever.

So it's like you're weakly. It was entering you. Yeah. And being raised Catholic, I think we're probably still going to church at that time. And now. Did you stop going to church? I did for a while. I still go now, though.

Oh, you do? Mm-hmm. What do you like about it? I haven't found anything else that I've gotten through a lot of life. And I was always kind of happiest when that was a part of my life. And at this point, I've done a lot of things. You need to repent. No.

I see. All the bad things. No, I got to a point where it's like nothing else has given me peace or contentment. I've done all the things that it's. They tell you you should make you happy. And at the end of it, I'm like, I'm not that happy. Did you have a good relationship with going to church when you were a kid? Yes.

Oh, well, see, that's, you know, there you go. Yeah, it wasn't fraught. There was no scary people around. Right. So there's. There was a place for it. Right. And, uh, and, uh, it's a system.

Catholics, you guys have a, like, it's a real system. It's a real system. It's like if you do this, you get the A. Yeah. If you do that, you go to help. Yeah. It's pretty clear cut. It's pretty clear.

It's not like... You do have to kind of start fuzzin, playing with the edges of it. Like, you know, there's a lot there that you're not completely in line with. Like you're never going to use a condom? You're never going to use the birth control. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of... Right?

You got to kind of bend it a little bit. And you tell them to go to college and you're like, just pray. Yeah, right, exactly. It works. No, yeah. But for a guy... my age, like figuring it out. Like I, there's a piece to it, for sure.

But it's kind of returning to an original comfort. I think that's a big part of it. Like, it's not like you found Catholicism later in life. No. Not like Candace Owens. But I did get kind of, I did get kind of called back to it. Like I kind of had certain things. I just kind of found myself being kind of drawn back to it.

Really? Magnetically. Did you do this with your wife and your kids? All alone. I'm all alone. Did you ride your bike? And like my wife and I went to the same. I ride my bike desperately fast.

You got to get back before they wake up. Exactly. That's how I kind of folded in. I go to the earliest one so they don't even know what's happening. Yeah. And it's LA. It's weird. It feels weird.

It does feel weird. To go alone? To go alone that I've gone back. My wife and I went to the same church. You said you went to some church growing up. It was the one that Bill Maher sits in and went in the beginning of Religious, the whole anti-religion thing. Yeah. He went to the same church as well.

In New Jersey. And he's sitting, he's starting his whole, his whole diatribe against religion, sitting with the background of this stained glass. They let him, they know what he was using the church for when he was shooting? I don't know. I doubt it. Well, maybe. I don't know. I mean, he had cameras.

I think he was talking to a priest. but my place of like quiet little inspiration was his like he'd been there too and was like uh-uh and my wife who went to the same one is she can't get around a lot of it is being a woman she can't get around i can get around certain parts of the church and my wife there's too much for her and my sister to get kind of get around right because it's it's a it is a patriarchate big time here's my problem is that with all of this, and you see everybody, most people have a searching or a feeling that there's something there, and you have all of these human beings getting in the way of it, getting in the way of this connection to, I mean, we're not here really to podcast.

What? You know what I mean? We're not supposed to live in concrete of Los Angeles. For me, there is always this thing. And it's very upsetting that the huge. human beings that have manipulated it for their own power, I'm just in a place now of I'm not going to let other human beings get in the way of my connection. That's the least Catholic thing a Catholic could possibly say. I know. Because the whole Catholicism thing is all like you need

your inner loper. It's not an interloper, but it's the priest. Do you need the someone who's going to talk to God with you for you? Right. But the best ones are just there to kind of kind of give you an interpretation of this scripture and present the Eucharist and then we go home. Do you believe in transubstantiation? In what? Transubstantiation. What's that? Well, that's where the rubber met the road for my Protestants and your Catholics, that's when you believe that, well, it's one of the big sports.

Oh, for the Eucharist. You believe that the wafer is the body of Christ. It's not like a representative of it. Right, exactly. He's actually present on Sunday when you get it. No, it's actually his body. Yeah, yeah. Right.

But I mean, the Holy Spirit brings it into it during the ceremony. And then it's, yeah, it's real. And then it's real. Yeah. So is that, that works for you? Yeah, I'll go there. Okay. Do you know that's where, okay, so you know that used to have the mass was in Latin, obviously.

Yeah, I went to one. Oh, really? In Nashville. Bill. How is Latin? How is Latin with a Southern accent? Intense. Kind of scary.

Dona, no-bees, pot champ. I was doing a show. I go to, I'll dip into churches when I'm on the road. And it's been really like this kind of field trip of like, these people are just like groovy with guitars and whatever. And then I went to a, the Latin Mass. You're like, these people are not groovy with guitars. Were the women in a different section? No, they were...

No, but they wear veils. They wear veils and... What's the scary thing that we don't want to live in? Hell? No, the show... The show where they take all the women and... Oh, oh, Hammaid's Tale. Hammaid's Tale.

It felt a little like that. Well, so then when they had masses in Latin and everything, you know, the dark ages, I don't know. I'm going to be telling you your business. Yeah. No, I don't know much about it. Okay. They kept it in Latin because that's the, that's the language that they decided to keep things in during the dark ages.

The priest kept all the knowledge, blah, blah, blah. And it was of separation. They were keeping the poor folk kind of making them believe they needed this intercessor. Is that the word? Right. To talk to God and God speaks Latin, obviously. Of course. Obvi.

And then when Martin Luther comes along and he's got the person. Protestants and everything, and they, they, when they give you the wafer in church, they say, Hickas Corpus Christus. This is the body of Christ. And Hickas, uh, with the blood, I don't remember. And Hickas something Sosis. And the Protestants were outside the church, they're like, what is all that hocus pocus? And that's where hocus pocus comes from.

For real? Because Hickas corpus. Ah. I mean, they were like, Hickas, that's like, oh, they turn the wafer. It's magic. Hocus pocus. Pocus. It's like a bastardization of the Latin.

I kind of like that one. Wow, that's a really good one. I know. I didn't really like the movie that much. Hocus Pocus. There wasn't enough Eucharist. I could have used a little more prayer. Yeah.

No, there's a lot of magic in Catholicism. There is. There's a lot of spooky mysticalism. Well, it didn't be spooky. But, I mean, it's definitely like magic. Like, do this. It's like, you know, clap your hands three times and, you know. Yeah, the rosary.

Rosary. Yeah. They give you real, they gave you real path. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, it's, it is weird to even, like, talk about it because it's, I'm not, you know, there's a lot of things that I don't agree with. But I do, I do like just, like you said, like going back to whatever my original path was as a kid and feeling like, okay, I'm a little more content.

I'm a little more in tune with the universe for a second. So for me, that's kind of like going to. a country club on a Sunday and having warm gin and cashews. Well, if you're inviting me, I don't have to go to Mass every week. Because that's where I grew up. Warm gin and cashews. Warm gin and cashews.

We're wasps. We don't want you to stay, but not too long. There's never a seat. There's no ice. It's like, you know. Oh, man. The wass, I don't know. It could be so repellent,

but also so attractive at the same time. You're like, I love, like, the Washer is close to living Turner Classic movies, which I adore. This is true. It is. It's like, say, say, Charlie, let's talk fast and not really get into anything, all right. And that's exactly right. You know how your father is. You know how your father is.

Oh, damn. No time. And then they're zipping off. Those are my people. Yeah. We do another thing on this program. Uh-oh. I try to bake you bread and some of the finer things in life.

But we also love the stuff that we kind of grew up with. And we do taste tests of things we find in the 7-Eleven. Oh, I love that. I love a 7-Eleven. And today we're going to go back to snowballs. When's the last time you had a snowball? Have you ever had a snowball? I've had a snowball, but I didn't know they came in pink.

I know. Yes, they do. I only know them as pink. You know, I love 7-Eleven. I keep waiting for them to. to like give me like a lifetime card. I love a 7-Eleven. I'm always happy when it go to 7-Eleven.

Every now again, you hit one that, it's a treat. Like in a very specific neighborhood when you go, you don't have any of the stuff I like. But for the most part, they got everything you like. Like you know what you're going to get. Yeah.

You can drive across the country on 7-Eleven. I know. It is so good. You know, it's a weird thing that we had, which I was going to try and get, but I didn't want to do it to you. We had a 7-Eleven, has their own line of potato chips

and they have a hot dog flavored potato chip. I don't think I've ever seen that. No, don't look for it. I think they don't carry that maybe the LA 7-Elevens. You know what I mean? You know when you get to the 7-Elevens

where you get to like real American 7-Elevens and you're like, do you have any Coke zero and they're like, what? No, we have a mountain dew and shut the fuck up. Smell that. That sounds great. Oh, it's coconut.

Cheers. Cheers. I don't remember coconut. Is that what the white stuff is? You know what I'm about to do? I'm about to take a bite of it, but when I was a kid, I would turn them inside out. I would take, I remember the outside coming right off.

Yeah, look at that. What? Remember? No. You don't remember this? No. Look how the outside just comes right off. Oh, my God.

It's like a, I'm just going to bite it. Wait. Oh, this, is this one of those things? Oh, wow. Look at that. You can hide it shame, like an ordolon. You know, when you were. eat that bird and you got to put the thing over your head so no one sees it like shh don't tell anybody

inside it's naked he just took its clothes off i know i think that if you left this thing stuff in a drawer it would be exactly the same in like a month like it wouldn't lose any it's weird it's like it reminds me of food right like But there's enough in the way where... But you kind of can't get to the food part. No. Which is why we're not eating them regularly. Like there's things like I would seek out.

But snowball, even as a kid, I was like, I see what you're trying to do, but no. I thought maybe it was like a peep. Like it was one of those things you had to dry out. Like a peep. No, don't you dry the peeps out? Yeah, so they get hard and crunchy. You're right. I got a snowball, like, was something you want to get.

at heart of crunch because this is a little, I don't lie, the little skirt, the little shame skirt. I love how yours just came up. It's a little rubbery. Yeah, it's a little, there's something to it. But there's something about that cheap sugar. Is that real cheap shot of sugar that's good? No, we

really shouldn't look at any ingredients. There's a lot of them, I'll tell you that. And they're all like extra ose. The number one is sugar. Well, at least they're being honest. And second only to corn syrup. Which is also sugar. Which is sugar by way of Richard Nixon.

It is. Remember he made corn, like, corn subsidies? What are we going to do with it? Turn it into sugar? I don't know. I don't know what anything else to do. Let's feed it to the people. Well, we can't. They're not into it on the cob.

And when the people don't, yeah, and then when the people are tired of it, we're going to give it to all the animals. Like the animals, like, we don't want this. Like, you're going to love it. It's just settled out. I don't eat corn. Do you eat steak? It's in your corn. I don't eat.

I don't, I stopped eating red meat after high school. You did? I loved my school, but the food was abominable, and we had to sit down and have dinner every night. Yeah. I'd like a table, long table. Like Hogwarts? Yes. It actually, my kids have looked at it and they were like, you went to Hogwarts.

It's gorgeous. It was the most beautiful school. Yeah. But on Wednesdays, we had steak. And I say steak, big quotes on steak. It was like a shoe that had been boiled. Your mom might have liked. this with the crout.

The sour brotten. Sour brotten. And you ate what was in front of you. There was no place to go get food. Right. There were no 7-Elevens. Right. In near my school.

You got what you got. So you got what you got and you ate it. And I remember just gnawing my way through that steak and I was like, never again. No one's making me eat this again. Really? So it's my rebellion. Yeah. It's just a total rebellion at this point.

What's your favorite food? Oh, I'm not how much of food? I, okay, my God, you just hit two, like, bam, bam. Because my older sister loved her birthday. She still loves her birthday. And she would, her birthday was in April. And it was two days away from my other sister's birthday. So April, and then my dad was born in April.

And April was just like birthday paloosa. And I was in March. And the kind of the only way to distinguish myself from these people was, I was 10 around the time I was riding my bike to church. I think this is peak joylessness. I was really settling into my no joy period. I declared that I wasn't having a birthday. And my parents said, okay. They just fine.

They were like, really? And I said, yeah. And that became my thing. To have no birthday. Right. But now that I'm old, people think it's because, oh, she doesn't like. She doesn't want to celebrate. Modern family.

They always reel out these cakes and stuff. Right. And the first table read ever, I was pregnant as hell, and they rolled a cake out. It was my birthday. No. And I was like, oh, God. Oh, no, no. And then after that, every year, I go, don't.

So they got, they were like, don't ever mention birthdays in front of Julie. She's very sensitive. It's like, don't look her in the eye. I was like, no, it's not like that. I just. They think it's like an aging thing. I can't. I can't.

People are going to start adding them up. I've done this since I was 10. I've done it. Yeah. It was my jam since I was 10. So you're not celebrating with eating food on your birthday. When I was little, I remember my mom saying, what do you want for your birthday? And I wanted those.

They were something that was in the freezer. It was like a, it was some sort of chicken thing that was breaded all around the outside. And then when you put your fork in it, basically, it just like a puddle butter came out. That's nice. And all I wanted was like any kind of a potato as a child. And you could do anything to a potato and I liked it. That's nice. I could live on a potato.

So not my best choices. Well, I hope you enjoy the bread. It'll be making it into toast. Well, I will, what I'm going to do is I'm going to slice it up and I'm going to put half of it in hiding. I put half of it, slice it in the freezer so that my children can't get it right away. Nice. Because they never look there. Not even for ice cubes.

Really? And mom, where are the ice cubes? Like, how many places could they be? Let's give this some thought. Could they be in the backyard? No, they can't because they're ice. I could put anything in the freezer. I could put drugs and a giant dildo in the freezer and they would never look there.

You know what wouldn't be bad in the freezer? Snowballs. A frozen snowball, maybe. Could be. You think then the rubberiness would just sort of transubstantiate into like a crunch? Into the life of the snowball. Did you know you were going to talk about Jesus so much on your podcast? No. And what's weird is I don't talk about it with anybody, even my family.

They never ask questions. I always feel like I'll answer if I'm asked, but I don't. One of my sons is dating a girl who's Catholic, and he said to me on Sunday, he was hanging out with her family and he said, oh, well, I'm going to come home when they go to church. They were going on Sunday evening, which I thought was interesting. I guess I don't know a lot about Catholic mass times. And he said, he came home and he said, they invited me, but I didn't think I should go. And I said, not with what you're wearing. Because he's like in these like yeezy slides with socks

and the sweatpants hanging off his ass and like, and everything, he's like, what do you have to wear to church? And I was like, I have to go ask Tom Papa. I don't know. Pants. Pants, like real pants. Real pants and maybe a shoe. Just one, we'll do, but it has to be a real one.

Yeah, it cannot be like a piece of Kanye plastic rubber. Yeah, you should lace it up. Yeah. But he had a lot of questions. He was interesting. He goes, well, if I go with them, because he, I think he's curious about what this family's into. I'm like, that's cool. He's like, if I go with them, can I, what if they do the thing with the, like, as a communion?

I said, no, you cannot take communion. Yeah, you got to stay in your seat. He's like, how will they, you know, I'm like, Jesus, can read your mind. I tell you a funny thing. This is horrible. But on Christmas, my older,

who's really not into religion at all, and my wife who's, you know, giving it up, they were going to come with me to Mass on Christmas Day. So we go and we walk in, and this woman comes up

and requests that we bring the gifts, the communion up to the altar. And she was like, well, wait, You bring the, you're the wafer. The wafer and the wine. And the wine.

And you bring it up and present it. From where? Where are you bringing it? From Rouse? From like from the back. Oh, okay. From like the, up the aisle. You knew where to go.

I knew what to go. But I also know that these, they don't know who's bringing this up. They don't know these two heathens I'm with. Yes. That are going to be presenting the gifts. But she just did it so fast. It was like the last mass of like 20 masses that they've had. between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, they're just like, take this up.

And we just did it. And the whole, they're like, they never go to church. Wait, they received communion? They're walking it up to the creepy. But they didn't sit and then kneel down and receive it. No, no, no. They brought it. Well, my wife does because she.

Okay, because she got the dispensation. But it was just so funny that like these two are just on a field trip are now like bringing it. Oh my God. I know. That is so, that's like something out of a Woody Allen. and movie. Yeah, right, exactly. What's going to happen?

What if I actually put it in my mouth? And then... I think I'm Catholic now. I think I'm Catholic now. Because Jesus can read your mind and you're going right to hell. But I didn't even believe in that yesterday. That's where you're going today. Yeah, it's too late.

It's too late. It's all happening. It's a nice system, though. I was in Italian Renaissance studies major. Useless. It's something that our kids cannot do anymore because college is too expensive. Yeah. But I did my final thesis.

this paper on Michelangelo's Final Judgment. Oh, yeah? And, I mean, it's like a map of, you know, this is what happens. Yeah. It's like it's all there. You don't ever have to read a book. Yeah. It's right there. You got it. I know. I know. I know. Something to it. Yeah. I don't know. It scares the F out of you. Yeah. See, I stopped myself there just once. Bless you. I don't think you could do that.

Thank you so much for coming. Thank you. And that's a wrap on. Julie? Yeah, we're going to get Julie out of here. And now one without Julie? And if we can just all ask for forgiveness and say three Hail Mary's when she leaves. Three Hail Marys.

Oh, this was so nice. Thank you, Tom. Thank you. And thank you for the bread. Yeah. I'm actually really excited about that. I'm not lying. Did you have a special oven?

No. Well, I use a Dutch oven. So in the oven, like, it's like a, it's like a crusette. Yeah. But what makes it, do you have to put water in there? Just spray water to get steam. Is it sourdough? Yeah.

Did you start this starter when? No. No. Way before. Oh. I'm no Johnny Bread lately. What is the vintage of this starter? This is about 10 years old.

Wow. I tried to be a Johnny Bread lately. You did? Yes, during COVID. And that fucking, talk about, you can't leave the house because of a dog. We were going on a road trip. We had to take the starter. And I was like, this is awful.

You go, oh, you can put in the refrigerator and then come back. Yeah. Oh, well, that was a lot of neglect. It takes like two weeks for it to really die. I, yes. That's about right. Yes, that makes sense. No, you do tend to it.

It really becomes this big part of your life, which is... What happens when you're on the road? I don't go out for long periods, you know? Like, I'll go out and come back, usually. but if it is over a week and a half, I'll have to have someone at home feed it. And they know what to do? I have to walk them through it.

We FaceTime. This is, that's, during COVID, we got a, we had a snake that had to feed with little baby rats. Oh, that's the worst. And then we also had the starter, the sourdough starter. And I was like, because I didn't have it, I was like, I'm not getting a dog. I finally didn't have a dog for the first time in my life. And I was like, I'm not. So now I'm beholden to a snake.

and this jar of bubbling yeast. And I, you know what? Yeah. I got a dog. I say, I'm done with this snake and these rats and this bubbling mass and I got a dog. Good for you. At least I can understand it. How you get somebody to house for your, you're like, we have a dog and have some starter over there?

We have, yeah, we have a good friend that like stays at our place a lot for the dogs when we do travel. And she can feed the starter. She's gotten good at it. Well, I made you bread. Thank you. Now listen, I made this before I went to do my show on the weekend. So it's bad. No, so I froze it and then did the last heating of it this morning.

Great. So if it's not perfect, don't judge me. If it's not perfect, I'm just going to post about it. I don't know what. That's what we do now. We post at people. I said to anger screams. Do you run every day?

No, I can't anymore. I've got too many injuries. I do something every day, though. All right. I do a lot of, I have a problem. Like, my brain won't calm down until it's been, like, exhausted. Oh, yeah, you got to run it. I don't wear it down.

So now I'm doing a lot of singles pickleball. Oh, no. I know. Be careful. Why? Everyone I know with pickleball is injuries. Yeah, but that's because, okay, I was about to say something very judgy. Like, I've been injured.

I got a lot of injuries from falling down. But like, if you are in, if you, if you, if you, don't be an idiot. Like, don't be an idiot. But there's a lot of stop. There's a lot of stop of sorts. You have to wear the right shoes. And, but if you're playing singles, especially, you run your ass off, which is right. Oh, okay.

And that's why I like. Oh, singles are right. Singles. Yeah. Because you have to actually go for every single ball. When you're with fast, I can't, I can't do that. Right. Remember that?

I don't know if you remember in the beginning. I was like, I can't. Anything with balls. Yeah. My family wouldn't let me play Frisbee because they were like, no. It's just going to hit you. Oh, no. And now it's going to go way over there and I got to go run for it.

Like I couldn't even get it close to them. I still can't do that. My cousin came to Halloween and she had her whole arm in a cast because she broke her elbow playing pickleball. And she loves pickleball so much that when she stayed over, she was from North Carolina. And I left the room when football was on. And I came back and pickleball was on. I've tried watching pickleball because when I was in the hotel, New Jersey, and I was like, you know, tennis had just ended. And the U.S. Open was done.

Football hadn't started. Basketball hadn't started. And I was like, I guess I'll watch. No, it's not something to watch. No, it's not for the watching. I know. It's fun to play. No, that is not.

It's fun when you see those little clips of like McEnroe and like Bjorn Borg playing. pickleball and they're like brrr it's like they're like ping pong in the 70s yeah they do these like charity matches stuff you can't even follow the ball it's going so far and that's really fun but otherwise no it's just a way to run it down thank you

thank you for doing this thank you I want my bread all right we got it Joe