Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 27 - Rachel Feinstein

Episode Date: November 10, 2020

It's time to talk about making a simply perfect Focaccia and we break bread with the great comedian, my good friend, Rachel Feinstein. Recipes here: http://www.cookstr.com/recipes/focaccia-with-onions-genoese-style https://www.linsfood.com/basic-focaccia-recipe/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey! sourdough. Hey, it's time for Breaking Bread with Papa. Hey, don't you know, it's also a show. Hey! Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I am Tom Papa. Thank you so much for coming and spending some time. We love having you. By we, I mean the entire Breaking Bread community. It continues to grow. we continue to share and experience some great food people and funny people, and that's all that

life is about. Make sure that you subscribe. Make sure that you tell your friends to subscribe. If you can, leave reviews. That's always good. We've got a good number of reviews, so thank you for that. All good ones. If you have like a one-star attitude, you can keep it to yourself, and why are you listening? But thank you so much. It really mean a lot. We have Rachel Feinstein on the program today. So great. One of my favorite people in the world, I was actually the minister in her wedding. I made myself a minister and I do a bunch of weddings and Rachel's was one of the best and we've just become even greater friends since all of that. So we're going to spend some time with her which is always hilarious, super, super funny. I don't know

if she cooks or if she's, I don't know her food background to tell you the truth. She's kind of a mishmash of people in her family. So let's find it. I don't, I don't, she doesn't seem like someone who would cook, but maybe. Thank you all again for listening. As I said, we're going to have a great time with, uh, with Rachel coming up. I also, I think I want to start off the podcast today by giving you a little, uh, insight into something that I've been doing and eating.

and drinking is, you know, one of the greatest loves of my life. And I think that we should start off by letting you know exactly what I've discovered, what I've found, what I've enjoyed, and pass it along to you. Because a lot of times we get into conversations with people and it's always exciting. We learn about them. But we should also be focusing on the stuff that we can do, the stuff that we can enjoy, right? So why not start each of these podcasts off that way? Yes, Tom, that's a great thing to do. I know. Okay, so this is what I did this week. And this is very exciting to share with you because you know I like baking bread. You know I make a lot of sourdough. You know I've done olive breads and bagels and all this kind of stuff. There is a simple

bread that I have not mastered. And it's really because of not spending enough time on it. But also, I've messed it up a lot. Fokasha. Focasha. It's this Italian flat bread, you know, with all the dimples in it, this crusty kind of top, and then this soft, fluffy inside. A lot of times it'll have, it's an olive oil-based dough. Go to an Italian restaurant and it comes in those little squares.

That's your fukasha. It is so good. It is worth making. And I know that sometimes the whole sourdough thing can seem big and daunting, and it is, it takes a long time to do it right is a, is a chore at first because you have to learn so much and there's so many steps. This bread, the faccia bread, this beautiful Italian bread, is easy. It's easy.

But there are so many, so many variations. And people, of course, complicate it and make it a little too fancy. and like I said, I've been messing it up. It was just coming out flat. It was coming out. It just wasn't right. And my family would sit there and try and eat this cardboard thing and tell me it's good, but you can tell.

You know when you make stuff for people, if it hangs around, it's not good. If they gobble it up, you've done it. You don't have to talk to them. You don't have to ask how it is. They will tell you by how much of it they eat. And this fokasha went big time. So where did I find the recipe? this is my Bible by Italian Cooking Bible.

It's the essentials of classic Italian cooking by Marcella Hazan. I think we talked about this with Jonathan Waxman when he was on the program. He was blown away by her. She has since passed. We talked about her a little bit. She has since passed, but she, this, this is worth getting, this is not an endorsement. This is, these people haven't paid.

There's no reason to pay. Just go get this book. essentials of classic Italian cooking, Marcella Hazan. If nothing else just for basic tomato sauce, m-mm-a. She also, there's so many different things I've tried in here that we will get to eventually with this new segment at the beginning of each podcast when we do go into Italian stuff. This is what we will talk about. And I know there'll be many times when I will give you something from here. The fakasha from this, you could probably look it up online as well. Maybe we'll even put the recipe up for you. Let me just read it just to get you into the mood. Facasha, this is in the

bread, fcacia, pizza, bread, and other special doughs section of the book. The tomato sauce is in this. It's worth the price of admission, but here we go with faccia. Before there was an oven, there was bread. It was baked in the hearth where the dough was flattened over a stone slab and covered with hot ashes. From this hearth bread, Pannis Focacius, focus is Latin for hearth, comes today's soft, leavened facacia. Centuries old. Faccia always starts out with an olive oil, enriched, salted dough, which may either be baked plain or topped with onion, rosemary, sage, olives, bacon, and other flavorings. Faccia is most closely associated, with Ligoria, the Italian Riviera, and with its principal city, Genoa.

Genoa. Genoa. Genoa. In many of the cities in the north, in fact, it is not called Faccia at all, but pizza Genovese. Genovese style pizza. In Bologna, however, if you're looking for Faccia, the appropriate word to use is Christina. In Florence, Rome, and few other parts of central Italy, it is Skiacia. Skiyachata?

Skiyachata. Skiyata. Skiyata. Skiyata. Close, I think. If you ask for ficasia in Bologna or Venice, you will be given a very sweet panatone-like cake. That wouldn't be so bad. Studded with candied fruit and raisins.

So there's different terms for this pretty simple bread that's everywhere. I will put it up. It's a very simple dough. All you need is dry yeast. You don't need a sourdough starter. Water, unbleached flour, virgin olive oil, salt. That's it, kids. That is it.

And a large baking pan. And you make this simple dough by dissolving the yeast into the lukewarm water. You get that all active. Then you combine the yeast with flour and olive oil. You mix it up. You need it. You put it on your baking sheet for an hour and watches this thing, this little ball, grows. And then you just start stuffing it down into the baking sheet.

And this is fun. You just kind of stretch it out. You stretch it out. Let it sit for another 30 minutes, 45 minutes. And then the fun part is when it's already. risen, it's all proofed, it's ready to go. You come in there with your fingers and you put those little dents in it all across the top of the dough and then you take this mixture of water and salt and olive oil and in my case it was rosemary and you take a brush and you put all over the top

and it fills those little divvits. Oh and because if you're using the right yeast it's going to rise. That was my big mistake early on. So you have this salty olive oil, rosemary, can that is all laying in the top of the bread. You put it in for only about 30 minutes, 25 minutes, and it comes out and, oh, magnificent. You just slides right off the baking sheet in one slab. You cut it up and just leave that on the counter. And if you do it right, like I said,

your family will devour it. Perfect. The next day, you want to kind of eat it right way, like around room temperature. But then the next day, breakfast, 10 minutes, throw it back in the oven. A little scrambled egg on the side. Oh, so good. So look, I'm not going to do, this isn't a cooking show. I'm not going to lead you through every single step. But I will put a link if I can find the, maybe she, maybe she has this online. If not, we will type it up and put it in the bio. So you have it. So good. Like I said, get this book, Marcella has on, amazing, and faucea bread.

I was very happy. In the middle of this podcast today, I am actually making baked ziti. So there's a sauce on the stove. I'm very concerned about stirring it. I'm going to have to text my daughter because I'll be in the middle of talking to Rachel. And then as soon as it's done, I've got to get over there and assemble the bake ziti. That's a good day. That's a really good day. That's a really good day. All right. So Rachel Feinstein, one of the funniest people I know, naturally funny. Her and her husband Pete just had a baby. They are good people. She is such a funny comedian. I mean, just naturally funny. The impression she does on stage, I've put her in the live come to Papa's all the time. She's been on our radio show. What a joke a bunch of times.

She's just one of my favorite people and favorite comedians. So enjoy Rachel Feinstein. Good to see you, Rachel. You too. Thank you, Tom. So funny. You're the first person who thought that this was a podcast discussing Breaking Bad. Yes. You said it was a Breaking Bad podcast, and I believe you.

Breaking Bread. Oh, Breaking Bread. Oh, yes. And the dumb thing is, Tom, I've seen the breaking bread on your feed all the time. I know you do this. I know you like to cook bread. And I was like, what? a random thing that he just thought it would be fun to trick me and think it was breaking now that makes

sense i didn't connect them i'm a wild moron ray it was so funny you send it's so funny when you get text like that from your comedian friends because it's like so so the whole podcast is talking about breaking bad right yeah that's right well what part should i should i i said yeah uh episode 26. We're going to discuss episode 26. And I'm thinking, I'm thinking you're just going to laugh. But then you sent a very detailed text back. I have, I have Pete's phone. I don't know how I'm going to watch the episode. Can you give me notes? Is there anything I should know about that episode? I was like, oh, no. Rachel really thinks we're going to talk about this canceled television show. I know. Yeah. And it was my fireman husband that pointed out that didn't really make a lot of sense that you would have like a very specific

podcast about a specific episode of a TV show that was canceled a very long time ago. Yeah. And it really doesn't seem really much like me, does it? No. And I know about your breaking bread thing and I forgot about it. Oh, it's me. I'm the problem here. I'm a hole in the team.

Well, you got a lot going on. This is a very stressful week. It was a lot of chaos and your life even when everything on the outside is, going all right your life is chaos yeah it's a little crazy now but you've got a beautiful baby you've got a husband you're living in new york that that there done she has a perfect robe that you guys gave her that she wears every night how is that robe that robe is so cute and soft and it says frankie her name on it and uh not only did i think this was a podcast about breaking bad but i also have not mailed you a thank you note we don't need thank you notes i stink we don't know we don't

Thank you. We have done a lot of big things together, you and I. Tom married me, which, by the way, my babysitter, huge fan. She's a comedian married to another comedian. She does stand up. So she was like, wait, this is for a podcast with Tom Papa. She just took the baby for a walk. And she was very impressed because she said that was the best wedding that she's ever been to.

And she was like, he's amazing. I can't believe that's what you're about to do and you're just casually mentioning it. I'm like, jumping on this Breaking Bad podcast. I can't talk about it. I've got to watch three episodes of season four of Breaking Bad. But you gave the funniest best ceremony for our wedding ever.

The firemen loved you so much. It was really hard to please firefighters and comedians. And you did it. It was so funny. It was so fun. It was so great. I was so honored that you asked me. And then, and I have to say, I think that that's it.

I think our relationship has just gone deeper and we're just going to be attached forever now. Yes, I wish we were at live close by because I feel like your family. And that is not ironic. I, the, uh, the wedding day. Well, actually, let's talk about the, let's talk first about the rehearsal dinner. Uh, because we love to talk about food on this podcast. podcast because when we're not talking about Brian Cranston television shows, we like to talk about food. And it was a really nice, really good rehearsal dinner in Staten Island at this Italian restaurant.

And I was so happy because I didn't know what to expect because I didn't know your family's like real backgrounds. Like what kind of food are we going to go with? And then to walk in with Italian, it was like, oh, this is going to be a good night. It was because Amy planned at Schumer. Schumer did the rehearsal dinner. So she was my maid of honor and she asked me like what and her husband is a chef and they were like what dietary things. And I was like, I don't care about anything. I'll slam anything in my face.

No questions asked. Yeah. So I don't I don't have plans. I wasn't like one of those wedding twads that was like I want that's, I just wanted like a pinata and that was kind of it and you to do the ceremony. And they were like, yeah. So they asked me a lot of questions and I had no details. And then her husband planned and it was fucking perfect. It was perfect.

And that, I mean, the rehearsal dinner was just, it was, it was nice because it was like that classic Staten Island Italian. And it wasn't like overdone. It wasn't uncomfortable. It was just great food. And it wasn't, it was the perfect amount of people. And someone got up. Was it your brother? Yes.

My brother, my younger brother, Aaron. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he knocked it out of the park. He gave a speech at the rehearsal that just floored everybody. And I started getting nervous because I was like, uh-oh, someone else has got some skills when they get the mic. This will make Aaron's life. I'm going to send this podcast when it's out to his social work job. And he's going to watch this.

And I mean, like this will, he'll be happy for years that you've just said this. But no, he's so funny and lovely. my brother. He's like, yeah, he's a social worker, but he's hysterical and like dark and kind and lovely. And he just gave like the most thoughtful, satisfying, you know. Oh, it was perfect. It was perfect. And it's so, it was so great too because your act is always populated with people from your family. And especially your mom, like your imitation of your mom is just one of the greatest things in comedy. And then to like be sitting across the table from her is always so great. And I know it's like a corny thing. like people like come up to my family and they're like he just you know he says about you in the

act and it's like you part of it's true and part of it's an exaggeration but i was just when i met your mom i was like a fan i was like say something of say something inappropriate about other races she did text me recently uh barbara salzman uh from beth israel something or other shana something is going to be at your show tonight a very ominous text And then she followed up with, they watched Tom Papa's standup program comedy, standup program comedy and thought it was fantastic, as well as the racy jokes he told at the wedding. P.S. They live in the West Village. That's such a classic, my mom, text. Why does she add, why does she have the West Village? Because she likes to tell me when people live in Greenwich Village or West Village. She says Greenwich Village a lot. And she likes to mention also something about like some, she'll be like,

did I tell you that gay, lovely Unitarian couple that lives in the Greenwich Village is interested in coming to your comedy program? You know, so she wants, in that sentence, she's accomplished telling me that she has gay friends and she has to say that they're gay in the sentence and that they must be cool because they live in the Greenwich Village. And she always trying to set me up with people.

people like this. She doesn't realize it's accidentally offensive that she considers them funky because they're gay. They might not be funky at all. But they're kind of funky and off beach. And they live in the Greenwich Village. So you two would hit it off. And she always says, I love the darkness and the fun of Tom Papa's program during your wedding. And, you know, there were off color parts. And honestly, those were my favorite. I don't remember being particularly off color. She said you hit you hit it just right that you said things that were a little exciting and a little racing and then you but you always brought it back to a very a place of such decency and kindness oh that's nice which you consider it's off color is just like I mean when you mentioned something about me mocking my parents

and I actually probably thought that was very excited like her heart was racing you know it was getting really yeah exactly it is such a nice thing to be it because it's it gives me something like there's nothing more uncomfortable for me as a human being at a wedding than like going to the cocktail thing or just the standing around without the cocktails before the actual service and you got to stand there and talk to people and you're it's disgusting you don't remember anybody's names and like to actually just be backstage of the wedding and be able to just kind of have a job to do is such a gift yeah you're right I didn't even think about that and you you were so smooth because the whole thing got blown up

minutes before it was about to happen. Yeah. It started raining. We had this beautiful garden outside in this gorgeous place. It's like this giant storm came across. And everybody's freaking out. And everyone's, we're going to have to move it inside. We've got to move plants.

We got to move everything. And normally, like, you would expect, like, a bride to be just break down in tears. You were just like, yeah, okay. We'll do it inside. Short a walk. Because as a comic, as a comic, I was like, it'll be a better show. Right? Because the wedding was kind of a show. I mean, it was just, you know, you went up and you were, and you were, you were poignant and but also hysterical. And it was fun. Everybody just had fun. And so it is a show of sorts, you know? And outside. Yeah. And outside. And outside is never a good show. That's why COVID's hard because we're doing a lot of things with, and wind is never funny. And just outside things are not funny. And inside shows and experiences are better. So I, I was like, oh, good. Okay. The only thing I was thinking when it was moved inside was that I was going to get trashed so hard for

having a wedding in Staten Island and just told all night what garbage I was. And the only reason that we had it there was because Pete of course had a foieman hookup with Staten Island or whatever and because they had this big garden. So you see the garden, you forget you're in Staten Island. But then we were moved inside to just a building in Staten Island. So of course, every comic did exactly what I thought they would just get up and give toast and just trash me endlessly. just what the trash I was. I think even my dad trashed me. He called it a tropical aisle of Staten Island.

So everybody just got up and they were like, oh, like very high end, Rachel's Staten Island. Oh, by the way. I have to say, I shit on Staten Island a lot, especially in like the Come to Papa shows, the live shows. We always do ads against Staten Island and stuff. Truth be told, have only been there once. And when we were driving, I think I came out,

Todd Barry. And they were driving us around. We're like, is Staten Island nice? Like all these beautiful old homes? Yeah. I mean, there are. I do spend like an irrational amount of time since I married like a fire captain because they have all the FD&Y dinner dances.

They're in Staten Island and there are always at like some princess hall, something called like Princess Something Hall or whatever. So there's aspects of Staten Island that I find challenging. But the other reason. that I had in Staten Island was because I texted Amy. Okay, somebody told me about this garden place in Staten Island and they said it was really nice outside and we should do it there even though it's Staten Island. And this is 100% true, Tom. Amy and I never researched anything ever. One person tells me to do something. That's what I do. I like people to hold my shoulders and be like, do that thing.

Okay, that's the thing. It means I don't have to look something up. I didn't research a single place. I didn't visit any place. Someone was like, you have it here. Pete was like, I got a hook up there. talk to some broad, there's a garden. I text Amy. I'm like, Amy will know because she likes good food, good places. I said, there's this place in Staten Island. As somebody says, you know, Pete has a hookup there from the FOIAs or whatever and blah, blah, blah. Amy writes back, this is the best place to have a wedding, hands down, do it. So I do it. Later, I mentioned this to Amy. And I said, she goes, why are you having a wedding in Staten Island, babe? And I'm like, because you told me it was the best place to have a wedding hands down.

She goes, oh, I was really high. I've never even heard of that place. Oh, no. She was like, I had an edible and I've never heard of that place. I was fucking with you. So that was that. She thought you were, she thought Staten Island was a joke. She thought, she was like, oh, no, I think she thought it was like a genuine question,

but not, didn't think I was like seriously considering Staten Island. So she was like, but she writes back the best place to have a wedding hands down, this place. not just Staten Island. The place you mentioned is the best place. Everybody loves that place. That's the place. I'm all right. Schumer likes it.

It must be very high ends. Yeah, very classy. They got dope. Her and her husband got dope. So I was like, great, book it, good. Then later on, she's like, what? No, I don't know where that place is. I was fucking around.

I was very high. Didn't she do something too during the rehearsal dinner? Like, wasn't she going to like change it or make it like at midnight? Oh, no. She wanted to put us in a van. This is such a. This is such a successful person. Like whenever you're friends with people that become successful,

they have money and they have options. And they're invited to cool stuff. So like they just change plans on the whim. Like whenever I would work with Jerry and we would be like going to do a gig, it'd be like, we're going to leave on Thursday. And then all of a sudden they're like, no, we're leaving Wednesday morning. What? Yeah, we're going to do it.

Like, if you have a flight as a poor person, you have to keep that flight because they're going to charge you $100 to change it. When you don't have to go to an airline, they can do whatever they want. And Amy, I remember that she wanted us. You texted me. You're like, should, do you think this is a good idea? Amy wants us to all get in a van and go see Paul McCartney play at the garden. And then meet him afterwards.

And then meet. But they couldn't fit the entire rehearsal party. So it would be like half of them, but we'd meet the rest later. And you were like, no, don't do that. I'm like, we can't make your mom wait for us as we're going to see Paul McCartney. It's your wedding. No. I also kind of felt like Paul McCartney wouldn't want to meet me.

I don't want Paul McCartney to have to meet me. That's rude of me. There's absolutely no reason that Paul McCartney needs to meet me. Or like an aunt of mine. He doesn't need to meet some rogue aunt of someone. He's met enough ants. Let's leave him alone. And then you're, it's your special time.

and it's all about you and now you're waiting in a hallway to meet Paul McCartney like a weird fan would have been a horrible thing that more than more than giving the marriage ceremony it was stopping that plan from going

that was the greatest contribution you were such a calming good person because you made decisions for me you were like no we're going to do the first thing I was like okay good and then and then we all sat with comics at the place. And Chris, Andy's husband's really good at finding, like, old restaurants that

might not be super popularized, but that, like, do a cool thing or a family style kind of cooking. And he loves to research these places. And so he found this restaurant. It was so good. And then I was just like, everybody's asked me questions about seating. Again, I don't care. So I was just like, you know what I want to do? I just want to sit with comics all the time. So then I'll know that I'm going to have fun, you know? Yeah. So we just sat with comics at our table and ate. And we didn't have to have too many polite conversations and it was so fun yeah yeah once in a while a stranger would come in we get to talk to them and then yeah you were in all alone just trying to come up with something to say to some stranger which is what you pointed out to me you're like we could be with

paul mccardney or we could be with like comics and your family like we don't you know i'm like yeah let's yeah just sitting around a pleasing table and eating oh the last minute changes of the rich and power. And I get it. I would do it too if I had the, you know, the whole world becomes a possibility to you. Yeah. So something can pop up at five o'clock and you change your all your, it's like, no, no. Aunt Beatrice has been planning this rehearse, coming to this rehearsal dinner for six months. She knows what she's going to wear. It must be like that all the time with Jared too. Yeah, I could see that. Like, there'll be more. Oh, anyone. Yeah. Anyone. Anyone. one of them. And then everybody wants to see them all the time too. So it's like they they forget sometimes that they might not want to see us. Like, you know, there's a reason that I'm sure Paul would want to hang out with Amy, but why he would want anything to do with me or my dumb rehearsal dinner, you know, obviously couldn't give a shit. And that would be a real nuisance in his life. But we made the right calls and it was like the most satisfying, perfect. But you, I definitely saw that you were. I was like, you're such a good dad. I can tell because like,

say things in a pleasing, calming way at the times they need to be said. I'm like, this is probably what you do with your daughters. They have a question. They're lost at some moment of their lives. And you say, do this. This is the thing to do. Yes, that's the thing. Yeah, you don't lose it. You just kind of like, but I have to, I have to say this is why you're going to be a great mom. It's because you also, you don't fret about stuff really. You, you get like, you'll get distracted or whatever by like, you know, day to day minutia kind of like details like whether we're a bird brain bad or something yeah yeah you're a bird brain but you're not but you're not an emotional bird brain right exactly yeah you kind of let it all just

roll yeah i don't care about much because i'm used to being like like right now i have a bunch of sharpie on my thigh like just black streaks and i'm like i could figure out how i did that or i could just try to cover it and not question ever how half my leg is comfort black marker so i feel like people let me off the hook, so I should probably let everybody else. Do you think because you're calm that you can be married to a fireman? Yeah, I do think that helps. I mean, he would say that I don't know that he would call me calm because he doesn't like the fact that I don't have order. He fails like I bring in chaos.

But I think I have emotional calm and he has like, he's like regimented like this, but he won't realize that, you know, he has like maybe repressed a lot of like sadness or fear or. rage perhaps yeah so but i do think there's a good there's a good balance there you know yeah yeah um for sure and because i don't really worry that much being married to a firefighter people are like how could you i could never how could you but i'm like because i worry more about like whether somebody's mad at me that you know what i mean like i worry about that more than like i feel the same way with covid too it's like i i don't worry as much about i never i don't worry a lot about death i I worry more if like I just rub somebody the wrong way at the CBS. Like I had a strange interaction at a CBS.

Right. Death or yeah. Fire, which is a very real thing. You went through your whole pregnancy during COVID. That was insane. I remember you were like, yeah, we're going to change hospitals. It's getting weird here in April in Manhattan.

It's like, oh my God, you have to go into those hospitals. That's insane. Yeah. And then let me tell you that, though, being doing COVID with a firefighter. Here's the thing about firemen. It's like, okay, yes, I don't freak out, but then occasionally there's a moment that might have due to real anxiety and somebody. But he's used to these moments throughout the day. So you might want to, I might not have needed, say, a pat of the back during this period where I was living in, like, the middle of Wuhan, Brooklyn in that, like, heart of COVID as I was like eight months pregnant.

But Pete doesn't understand that because he's a firefighter. So he has the personality of a 911 operator when there's an actual emergency, you know? So like, I'd be like, oh, this is getting a little dicey. Like it says you can't come into the room with me when I get birth. And he'd be like, yeah, right, I'd be fun. Like, and that would be it, you know? And I'm like, can you say something pleasing or just like give me a compliment or tell me I'm doing a good job? But he's the other way.

But then he would like flip out about like he was doing these drills. I think I might have told you in your other part of, I can't remember if I told you this. But he was doing pack and play drills every day. How quickly can he get a pack of play up and down? Why? I don't fucking know. There's no supply and demand issue for a pack and play being erected and diserected. I made that a word in a certain amount of time. But he's doing military style drills with the pack of play. That's what he does at the firehouse. It just occurred to me now. That's why he does drills all the time. You know, and he's like, and he kept walking around the house in our apartment

and be like, we got to be ready. We got to do this. We're going to be this. It's going to happen soon. And I'm like, no fucking shit. How about a hug? You know, just like, tell me how pretty doing a good job and things are going to be okay but instead you're taking all your like obviously all of his anxiety is funneled through this pack and play this time plaque and pack and pack and play fucking thing he was doing because it's something he can control he can control he has order and he can he can do it yeah and then he would just say to me like this is crazy we need things to be organized I'm like no I just like need a hug maybe because this is a little fucked up so it was interesting that like he's slowly I mean yeah his way of dealing with that is

he would come home in his uniform and I would want to watch serial killer docs and he would want to watch like diaper hacks and he was getting ready for tummy time. And I'm like she's not even to do tummy time until she's three months. Let's just make sure we're all alive. Let's just keep us somehow alive through like the heart. We're in the eye of the pandemic right now, you know. It's got to be pretty great though. Like when when stuff does get weird when you when to have that calm. Yes.

I mean those guys are the most calm. You know, everybody else is running the other direction. freaking out. Yeah. And those guys are just like looking at it and all right, we're going to go in there and fix this now. Like that kind of takes a, that's a good person to have on your team. And that's the other side of it is that he does care about all the details,

but he's also like highly relaxed. But the only problem with COVID was like, you know, usually we go out, we delegate. I go out and I talk shit with a bunch of comics. And they'll say sweet things to me and we'll talk about the reality of the weirdness of this situation. But in COVID, it was just like me and him and him doing pack and play drills. It'd be like, oh, you're crazy. You know?

But then we had the kid and he was like so excited and it was good. And he's so into being a dad, like all the minutia, the shit I don't care about. Like he's into the diaper bag. He bought an alarm for her diaper that goes on the diaper that goes off on his phone when he needs your diaper change. Why? I don't fucking know, Tom. Just look at the diaper.

It changes color. And it stinks. But he's got it covered. Like it's a firehouse. Yeah, it's not because it shouldn't be a thing because it doesn't need to be a thing.

And he's like, oh, it goes right to my phone. Fucking incredible, beautiful thing. Does he do the cooking? He does most of the cooking. I like to cook a lot though, but he does. Yeah, I'm into cooking now.

I just got it to the last couple years. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. He cooks firemen can all cook in bulk. So he'll come home and cook anything. He could cook everything. But I have like my. things I like to make, you know, but he cooks.

What do you like to make? I like to make, like, I make this ginger, honey, soy salmon thing that he likes. Ooh, say that again. I put soy sauce and honey and ginger and garlic and olive oil and butter and salmon. And I put, I like to fry salmon on the stove. I like to make it on the stove in a frying pan. And then you pour that. I marinate it.

Yeah, I marinate it. Yeah, I marinate it. You marinate it beforehand. Mm-hmm. I marinate it like ginger. ginger, honey, soy thing, like an hour. So I never do it like that much ahead of time. But it's, it's yummy and it's like really soft.

So I make that or like a Cajun shrimp dish. And I like to make, I like to make meat sauce and like saute spinach with this red lentil pasta. So I have like my specific things I like to make. But he can cook anything. And he cooks in cast iron and he always talks to me about like the way, that's the way you cook. And I'm like, I fuck off. I just use any no stick. pan and like throw it in that yeah he likes to he likes to do things in the long way like respect the

you know maturation process or some shit but i like things to be like really tasty and then not think about it after and just throw things in the right how about you right that's so funny because i remember him i remember him getting into kombucha because i was doing the bread and he was he was interested because of the fermentation of the of the yeast and the sourdough starter and all of that. And he was like, have you tried kombucha? By the way, he said to me, I think I got Tom into the booch. I was like, no one in the world ever calls it the booch.

It's unacceptable. He said it, not ironically. It did. I was interested, but I was like, I can't. My wife is like, I've taken over a quarter of the kitchen with all of my, with my living scoby. I don't need. If I, she would just.

there's no way. She'd be like, I can't. Does he still do it? He does it a lot. He likes to follow me around the house with like the culture. I was just looking if there was one here now. Like the culture that he grows for the kombucha. And he brushes his fireman mustache and he sings to me in Hebrew.

He goes, Rahel. Rahul. They call me Rahal. He does this rabbi dance around the house and chases me with the scoby. I will say this about him. As much as he's like a, like ain't on these certain ways. We have fun every day because I think about firefighters. They don't give a fuck what you say.

You can say anything to them. And they can say anything to you. So in that sense, as much as he's like on my case about dumb shit, everything is a joke. And you know what I mean? And you can say anything. So he just goes around like an asshole all the time and chases me with the scobie. Did you, did you know? Because that's very comedian.

Like, did you know that they were like that, the firemen? Yeah, they're kind of like comics in the sense that like, I mean, we're the real heroes. But no, but in the sense that they don't, they don't like to be told what they can. and can't say, and they have their own weird language, and they say unspeakable shit to each other all the time. You're right. And I think I told you this once, and I talk about it on stage a lot,

but I do it every day. I just communicate everything I really feel to him, like in that British novel voice, and I do that all day. So, like, today when he was just like ranting at me about, he made this homemade baby food, and he was telling me about the process of why it's better or something that was making me very sleepy.

And I was like, she wondered then, if he would kiss her before he left to the fire department, that figured he probably wouldn't. It was a loveless marriage, essentially. She sat there looking away and wondered if you might touch her arm, tell her that he loved her, but he'd appreciate it. And he'll be like, ah, right, babe, I love you. And forget about the baby food.

And then he'll walk out. And so everything is British novels every day. That's the only way I tell him anything now. Because if I said to, if I looked at him in the eyes and I was like, I feel like this when you do this, he gets very sleepy. Like he doesn't care for listening to a feeling. He's like a bored audience member. Yeah, it's like when he's telling you about the baby food.

Right. That's a good insight. You're right. Yeah. Because, you know, people, you know, when you vent about your spouse and people will be like, oh, have you told him you feel that way? And I'm like, you're assuming he would give a fuck. Like, he doesn't deal in feelings.

That's not his currency. He's a firefighter. So if I was like, I feel really sad when you say this or I wish you would get, he'll just get very, he'll be like, oh, come on. You know, like I'm tired. Like, goodness. But if I say, like, she knew then, he didn't love her. Like, he's a little amused so that.

I'd be like, yeah, I love you. And I get what I want that way. He doesn't realize that he's really, he's really being manipulated, but he thinks it's just a little show you're putting on. Yeah, but that'll stop and give me the thing because he's entertained. And they're a lot like comics and that they just want to talk shit all the time, you know? You're like the street performer who he'll tip because you actually have some skills. Yeah, that's exactly true.

But if I ever say to him, and I, like at night, if I'm like, I've been thinking about this thing, He goes, oh, come on. Like with that level of noise, like, I don't want to listen to your feelings. Come on. Like that crap, you know? But if I have British novel it, he'll do it. He'll actually do the thing being asked of him. That's amazing.

Did your mom teach you how to cook? Was there always cooking in the house? She always cooked. My mom cooked a lot, but not really, no, I never was into cooking until just like the last couple of years. Right. I felt like it was like part of my identity. Like, I don't cook.

I don't, that's just something I don't do. And I dated this guy that was like, family was really appalled by it. And that just made me even more not want to do it, you know? They were, they were like, you can't marry this woman. Yeah. This is, she's not going to provide me. He's like a Russian Jewish guy. And I remember his family once was like, and she doesn't cook.

And he comes home and there's nothing in the cupboard. It's nothing. He comes home. There's nothing there. Like it was, they were disgust, just horrified. How can he live with this cold refrigerator, refrigerator wench. Like basically it was how they saw me.

And then he comes home after long days and there's nothing there. So what you're going to do? He doesn't want to do for it. And we had. Why would you be with a woman? Yeah. If she's not feeding you. If she's not feeding you, this disgusting pig.

And I'm like, well, can't I just order something? And this was like, this was also like, you know, when you're starting standup. And for a while, it just has to be all you're doing if you want to actually make money at it. So I was on the road every single weekend that year after last comic standing. I was like, I'm just like, it was like unpack, repack. And then I just get. there to these furious Russians that were just like,

yes, not cooking, he's not good, you know? And he definitely judged me for it in this way that made me more defiant, like, I don't do that, you know? Yeah, yeah. And then, like, I remember we had a fight once. We were arguing about something and he goes, you know, a hot meal once in a while would be fucking nice. And I was just like, oh, fuck.

Oh. I told, I told Deroza that as a comedian. And I was like, and now he always says that to me. He's like, you know, a hot meal every once in a while would be fucking nice. Oh, that's brutal. That's a, yeah, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a culture war, actually. That's like, there's no way, because he really feels that deeply. He's being, when you weren't around, he was being fed that from his family.

Oh, yeah. And yeah, there's, thank God you got away because that would have been a, that's, that's so deep. There's no change in that. He could have been a nice guy, whatever. And he would have. carried that to the end of his days. Oh, yeah. And he needed that.

Like, he needed to go find that. And I wasn't that. And that was that. He needed mommy. Yeah. And he's with, he's with a touring comedian.

Exactly. Yeah. So, like, I don't know what you want, but, but I, but I totally,

it totally bothered me. Like, and as much as I now can see how hysterical it all was was in the discussion about how I was, um, neglecting. And basically,

I think they felt, not just neglecting, but I think, they saw it as a sort of active abuse that I was like that pushed me even farther away from it you know yeah and I remember those years after I went back on the road and I was just like well maybe I'm just not meant to be with somebody because I would look at those those men with their date nights with their wives the kind of women that like hold on to the back of their men's belt loops and I'm just like that's what he wanted and I'm just this raunchy clown this road fucking whore just this road whore

and nobody wants a suitcases rancid road woman, so just deal with it. You're not what they want. It's one or the other. Like, I was just like, yeah. Yeah, it fuck with me for a while. And then yeah, I could see that. And I kind of feel jealous of those ladies on those date night,

like those couples. And I'm like, wouldn't it be nice to just feel like that and only want to do that? Like my hubby and, you know. It's like that S&L sketch. My guy. I know. And I only talk like that as a joke.

Like I follow Pete around the park. And I'm like, Babe, babe, beef, Taco Night, babe. And I'll say it to somebody that's not him. It'll just be like some old Asian man spitting like in the park. And I'll be like, beep, beep, we had a taco, babe. But at the end of the day, I'm not that, you know. And I had this little, I had this little quote that said that made me feel better after I was dumped by the Russians.

It was just like, be yourself. Everyone else has already taken. Good quote, Ernest Hemingway quote. So I was like. Nice. Nice. That is a good one. And it's cool that you.

You kind of found your thing and you found this cool relationship. And then all of a sudden, you're marinating salmon. It's like that poor Russian bastard. If he had just done it the right way, I hadn't demanded it. A full load of salmon for him. Yeah, I love a good marinade. When I get depressed or sad about other things, I just look up maranades.

It's very pleasing. So I, I, now with Pete, he doesn't expect, strangely enough, this Brooklyn foia foifoida does not expect me. to cook or change my name or all the things you would think he gave a shit about. I doesn't care about anything like that. He likes to go. He's very domestic. So that kind of got me having more natural joy in that because I didn't feel like I was

expected or judged for not cooking. Right. Yeah. It wasn't demanded. When did you get into cooking? Like when did you? Were you always really into it? Yeah.

I always liked it. You know, my Italian family was always, there was always, my mother was a great cook. My grandmother was a great cook. So I was always around it. There's always parties being planned. They always had people over. So it was always kind of into it. But of course you don't do it until you're older because you go from being fed by your family

and then being out in the world with no money or no pots or no living in an apartment with no kitchen. And it's like it takes a while before you can actually, you know, start doing it on your own. But I think all of that, like you kept it even when you were making like, bad stuff, or not bad stuff, just like simple poor people stuff. It was like still had like a sense of what you were doing. And did your mom like love through cooking? Did she give like affection like with food and stuff? Was she physically affectionate as well? That's a cocktail of questions. Start with any. I'm curious. Yeah. I would say we're not very we're not very touchy feely. I would say food is

definitely a uniter. Yeah. Definitely. My we that's how we experience every. We're not very much. We're not very everything. It was always, it's to this day. It's like, we'll be finishing breakfast. You go in the house and they do you? Yeah. Yes. And you're finishing breakfast if we stay with them and they're talking about, what are we going to have for dinner? Like, it's like, it's always get to the next thing and share and, you know, yeah, that is the, that that's the thing that fills the silence in uncomfortable conversations where uncomfortable conversations would be. Yeah, it's good. It works. It's a good one. It's better than talking about like what you're going to buy or something. At least, like at least food is like real and satisfying you know then like yeah which are going to purchase or

something you know some people talk about purchases or gloves or something you know right exactly I mean we're recording this now on Sunday and that this is the day that I really cook and that comes all from sundays being like the family day thing and uh even if they don't want it like everyone's like we ate so much during the week because it was such a stressful week that everybody i was people were we were just eating everything and i know nobody needs a meal today but it's sunday so i'm making this big but that's so great because you're going to give your kids all these like traditions and things that make remind them of home and like that are pleasing and calming you know that's nice yeah and then we'll switch it on them then we'll switch it on them

and they'll be we'll be like your this husband doesn't feed you he doesn't cook for you you you and cynthia cook or do you cook more than cynthia I do more. You do more of it. Yeah. And you always did. And you always enjoy it more. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And she's a vegetarian. She doesn't really enjoy food so much. It's fascinating. I love going to the grocery store and thinking about what's next and what you're going to get. Like I enjoy going. It's not a choice.

Yes. She sees going to the grocery store is like hell. That's like flossing. That's why we, that he loves to go to the grocery store too and talk about the, we took that test like the language is love and we figured out that he was, he wants love through shared activities, mainly Costco or the grocery store. He wants to talk to him about it and go with them. Yeah, he could give a shit about a compliment.

That's why he doesn't give them. I could be like, oh, you look high. You look handsome. He does not care. It doesn't need it. He wants me to talk about Costco with him. So now whenever I want to butter him up. How did you figure this out?

Because we took that test, the language is. of love. Have you ever heard of it? You have to take it so good, Tom. And I'm not into usually corny shit like this, but it's just, it's just, it makes so much sense. Basically, the principles are you love, you give love the way that you would receive it, right? That you want to, that you want it. We all do this. And therefore, that most problems, most sources of stripe and conflict in relationships are because she's not doing that. Well, then she doesn't really care, right? Like, right? So for Pete, he's like, she leaves water all over the floor. Every time she takes to shower, like she doesn't care, you know?

Why would she do that? And meanwhile, it's like, I don't go fuck if there's water on the floor when he takes the shower. So why would I care? You know, she doesn't care because she's not doing that. And that's where we're wrong, where we kind of fuck up as we interpret what we would care about, right? So to him, he cares if I go to the grocery store with him and if I talked to him about the groceries this whole time, I'm like, I don't give a shit, you know, like just get something, whatever. But then I realize like, oh, if I talked about the groceries, then he'll be nicer to me and more likely to be like, oh, you know, you look at ice or whatever or something.

And then what do you and what's your thing? Mine would be, there's five languages, right? Words of affirmation. And then we're all like ranked, right, in terms of which is most important. My number one is words of affirmation. Just like, say some nice shit to me. Like you could get away with unbelievable shit if you just say one kind thing. Notice I do something well.

Because I've been in trouble my whole life and I've always felt like a fuck up. so I apologize. So if you just say one nice thing, get away with anything. So that's my number one. Yeah. And then affect physical touch. So I'm like physically affectionate.

So is he. Our number two is the same. So that's good. But his number one would be acts of service. I mean, I'm sorry. Or number three is the same, which is physical touch.

But his number one is acts of service. Like do handle this for me. You know, like mail this. Like, you know, and that's what he does. And like he like, addresses something and just mails it like a bill. It's fascinating. You know? And so he just feels like if I don't do that, it's because I don't care about him. You know what I mean? Like if I don't mail up stamp and mail a bill. So that's his number one. And his second one is shared activities. I don't like activities. I don't. I just want to lay still and snack in the dark. You know? He likes activities. Yeah. Yeah. So does Cynthia. She likes activities too. Oh. When we check into a hotel, if she sees like a bike rental or a cop. I like, see, that just sent me to a low-grade depression.

It's tough. He loves a bike rental. A bike rental or a kayak or one of those pedal boats that she's just like waiting for some guests at the ocean's edge. Yeah. Yeah, she's all in. But then it's good to, I guess, to have one of us and one of them because then I do the thing and then we'll get a bit about it, you know? Right. So how do you figure out this language of love?

you have to take this test and it's online. It's written by a psychologist and you just kind of figure out what your language is and then you try to speak to the person more in that, you know, and how they would want to be speak to it. Yeah. So I could like, you're saying it's worth it. It doesn't. Look, I feel like, I feel like Pete like, I feel like Pete like, ah, what are you telling me that for?

Well, actually, I do his. So he's delighted, but he doesn't really do mine that much. So in that sense, like, you know, it helps to some degree. It helps me not interpret. interpret something. You know what I mean? So I can like, no,

I totally get that. So I thought it kind of helpful, but I actually like did it. I was like, oh, he wants that and I'll do that, you know? So I did it a little more than,

than he did. But I think it did help me understand him, if nothing else. Right. Yeah, because a lot of times you misinterpret things, you don't even realize. You're like,

oh, why'd they leave all this stuff in the sink? They just don't care. Yeah, they don't care about their inconsiderate. They're not thinking about that. Yeah, exactly. It has nothing to do with you, actually. Yeah. And we all do that, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, completely. Well, when can I come to New York? When can we actually sit in a restaurant together? Oh, my God. I'm around, like, I'm just around. Are you coming to New York? I'm going to Virginia in a few weeks to do, like, I've been doing a little bit of the road. But for most part, we're here. We're the people that did not leave because he's FDNY. So we're just like in New York and hanging out. That's good, though. I really, I really, I, I, I, I, I, I, you know, I've been gone for a bit now.

But whenever there was, when there's a tragedy like this, when there's some big issue, it's like, that's when I really miss it. It's like, oh, I should be there. I shouldn't be in this other spot. I should be riding it out in New York. I know. You do need to be here. We all miss you and talk about you a lot. And when Keith was wearing your hat the other night trying to pretend he was you, it wasn't the same.

It's not the same as when Tommy comes in with this Tommy hat. We all fuck around and have some fun at the cellar. You do your holiday show or whatever. We all need to just have some semblance of a dinner in whatever way we're not allowed to. I know. All right. We'll do it soon. Is it worth dying for?

Absolutely. I think probably. Some fun with friends and some food. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, it's good seeing you. Thanks for coming on the show.

Thank you. It was so fun. I had the best time.