Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 276 - Maria Bamford

Episode Date: August 5, 2025

Today Maria Bamford joins us at the table! Maria shares about her experience living in Altadena during the LA fires, how her neighbors saved her house, and why she still has conflicting feelings about them. She also talks touring and life with pugs. Stay tuned to hear how many pigeons she thinks she can carry. Enjoy!  Check out Maria Bamford on tour! MariaBamford.com  For a limited time, Wildgrain is offering our listeners $30 off the first box - PLUS free Croissants in every box - when you go to Wild grain.com/PAPA or you can use code PAPA at checkout. Text PAPA to 64000 to get twenty percent off all IQBAR products, plus FREE shipping. Message and data rates may apply. Get 50% off 1 month of cold brew with Trade at drinktrade.com/PAPA ------------- 0:00:00 Intro 0:00:29 Patreon shoutout  0:00:59 Wild Grain Ad 0:01:49 No corporations, only neighborhood book stores 0:04:51 Seinfeld lunch 0:06:39 Bread 0:08:28 Business of comedy  0:13:53 Altadena fires, house saving story  0:22:00 Hope of human beings, building new home 0:26:22 ICE raids 0:30:15 Breaking new hour 0:33:05 Peanut butter and pot roast, dreaming, carrying pigeons 0:37:56 IQ Bar Ad 0:40:16 Wild Grain Ad 0:42:26 Trade Coffee Ad  0:44:46 Pug life 0:54:26 Getting mental health help 0:55:10 Touring near home  0:58:10 Magic of LA 0:59:22 Uncomfortable moment 1:02:15 City vs country 1:03:10 Dog parks, noise bands, clowning  1:05:10 Tour dates ------------- Tom Papa is a celebrated stand-up comedian with over 20 years in the industry. Watch Tom's new special "Home Free" out NOW on Netflix! Patreon.com/BreakingBreadwithTomPapa Radio, Podcasts and more: https://linktr.ee/tompapa/ Website - http://tompapa.com/ Instagram -  https://www.instagram.com/tompapa Tiktok - https://www.tiktok.com/@tompapa Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/comediantompapa Twitter - https://www.twitter.com/tompapa #tompapa #breakingbread #comedy #standup #standupcomedy #bread #mariabamford Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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cops go, excuse me, ma'am, what are you doing on that property? And I was like, I'm just, uh, blah, blah, and I said, well, sorry, ma'am, didn't mean to frighten you. Just had to make sure you weren't one of the bad guys. Oh, I'm wearing 17 friendship bracelets. How do you think I got them? Of course I'm one of the bad guys. It's breaking bread.

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So nice to see you. Nice to see you. Are we on? Yeah, we're on. Okay, great. I remember. Sorry. Yes, yes. I tell this story to a lot of people.

Okay. You came on the radio show and we were just talking about, I think it was Kevin Hart. And we're like, because we just heard about some giant like arena tour. And he was doing this like all these commercials and all this stuff. And I was like, it's incredible like what he's doing. He's running a corporation. And you said, I have no interest in running a corporation. I want to run like a quiet used bookshop that you come in once in a while.

You know, have to open you every day. Yeah. You know my name? I know yours. Yeah, we don't have that. Right. We don't have a lot of what you want. Yeah.

But guess what? I'm available to talk with you about books. Yeah, we're open every day. But we know we're not in this to be gigantic. Sure. Use the bathroom. We're not weird like that. No, you mustn't use the bathroom unless you've purchased something.

Only customers, please. How does people become a customer, you know, unless you give them a chance at your bathroom? Yeah. And let me, let me, I don't, I just got here. I can't, I can't buy something immediately. I can, yeah, no, browse. Look around. It was such a nice thing.

It really, like, set perspective of like, we don't. Don't all have to try and be GM. I do have an S-Corp. I do have to be honest. My federal ID is 45-2-3-9-37-45. No, no. Cut that. Oh, no.

Who gives a shit? It doesn't, you know, it's a California corporation. And what that means is I pay a lot less taxes when I was a sole proprietorship. And so, and it's that whole awful thing where it's like the corporation is a human being that is it's gross it's gross yeah I've uh I've really dowed myself into capitalism yeah well I can sense that I can sense that you're different now that's right you seem a little more cutthroat fuck mutual aid you know that's when you when you just give money to people freely you don't ask for a receipt yeah you're you fucking monsters

can I get a receipt For that donation. Yeah, I know. They always ask that when you drop stuff of. Do you want to receive? I'm like, no. Just giving you my shirts. It is so nice to see you.

It's been a while. Yes. Well, thank you for having me. My one story that I talk about us is you were opening for Seinfeld. I'm sure you still do. And you invited me to go to Brexfrest with you and Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld. And I, it was so, I was so.

nervous and all you spoke about were shoes and how it's important to have whether it's important to have a hard shoe or a soft shoe and then Mr. Jerry Fitzsimfeld ordered a very um and this is coming from me I had an eating disorder for many years in my life a very eating disorder lunch like a steamed broccoli in a like a raft and then uh yeah some egg whites yeah egg whites And I was like, right on, all right. I remember that. We went to the Brooklyn Diner. Yeah.

We walked away. We're doing, we're shooting something. Yeah, I don't know what was that. And we walked through Manhattan up to the Brooklyn Diner. Yeah, and you were so gracious to invite me because that was a, you know, I don't get to meet the stars. But yeah, but I do remember, I remember as soon as we walked in, he was like, he said to you, I know you. Oh, yeah. I know, I don't think he likes me.

No, he does. No, no, no, no, no. I never was asked to do that comedian car getting coffee. I can't imagine that he enjoys my stuff. Yes, he does. He says you're brilliant. It's true. I didn't do the comedian car thing either.

He didn't? No. What? Yeah, he had other friends he wanted to talk to. God damn it, that's not right, Tompapa. Well, I think you should have done it. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Well, we could take a ride later after this show. You know what you should do? Yeah, what? You should do my Breaking Bread podcast. Is this real bread? I bake this bread for you. I am so delighted. And there's a bag for you and you get to bring it home and eat it.

Oh my God. Thank you. You're very welcome. I didn't realize that was part of the gig. No, only because I love you. I know you like making sourdorf. There's like a little dent here. I don't know what happened.

It should be a little poofier. I think it's because God's trying to tell you you can't do something perfectly. Yeah, it's beautiful. Is it a sourdough? It is. Oh, awesome. Yeah, and I baked it for you yesterday. So kind.

Yeah, well, that's how much I care about you. Very generous. And I love this podcast setup. It seems very warm and inviting. And is it Joe? Yep. Joe and Rachel. Rachel met me outside so I didn't wander around like a hobo.

How does that go when Rachel meets you? It's so wonderful. She's, you know, I mean, her. aura is bright. Yeah. And yeah, I could tell it was her. But what's how did, because of the aura? Yeah.

I just thought, oh, here's this young person out here looking hopefully to the east. And I bet that's Rachel. And then how does she get you to the garage? Does she scampered? I didn't. I actually parked in the street. I rebelled. I parked on the street at a meter because that's what I'm like.

Wow. I thought you were a big capitalist now. Oh. Take the free parking space. I know. I just sometimes I just want to park. Yeah. I just want to get in there.

Yeah, I don't want all the logistics of it. Now, is there anything business-wise about comedy that's hard for you? I just be asking. I know there is for me. Is there anything business-wise comedy? I don't well honestly I don't pay that much attention to a lot of the details oh good for you like you said I really like numbers and stuff oh my god I love a number please if you ever meet me in person I will show you my quick and my quick and my quick books you were always that way you were always very up front you thought that everybody should tell each other how much they're making for a gig so we all know what you should make at a place. Or yeah, you have a place to argue from if you're the opener and you're like, what?

Yeah. Fluffy's doing a stadium and I'm getting 100 bones for this. Yeah. I'm not saying that's what Fluffy pays. But no, I don't, I get in the general vicinity of it's going to be enough and all right. and I don't really... You don't worry about it. Yeah.

Yeah, I think there must be something... I'm sure there's something OCD about it where I go. I think, like I... We donate 11% of our income to charity and I do like to get that percentage correct. Right. See, I would be like, well, 500 bucks, that's about 11%.

No, I want to make sure it's 1% better than the Jews, the Christians, or the Muslims. Is that virtue signaling? Do they all say 10%? Yeah. Isn't it weird? Yeah. I think there's something different.

I think Hindus give fruit. I don't know what that is in fruit. I think I'm sure there's some other ways of giving. Yeah. Why is that important to you? Just to have a, yeah, I guess it's, yeah, to feel at peace. Like at least I'm doing something. And because I don't work for a nonprofit, like to feel like.

like, that my own little business is giving back. Yeah. It's very important to me because, yeah, I get to design my business the way I like it and buy the, buy the pens that I like. Isn't it interesting that that amounts kind of like it is what all those religions prescribe and it also works for you? Yeah, it's good. I mean, it makes no sense in that it's like,

Do I need to... I could give a lot more. I mean, really. Let's be honest. I could give a lot more, but... But you also have like your future security to take care of. You know, I could retire in the middle of this sentence to prompt Nevada if I would just stop Instacarting individual cans of Pizzbury Crescent Rules. No bag.

No bag. Full contact delivery. Chase me. Find me. But you always seemed more of an artist than a business person. No, I love, I'm an artist-an-al business person. If there was a way to do my bookkeeping by hand with calligraphy, I would be interested. If somebody wanted to have a week away. where they teach me how to do my bookkeeping properly by candlelight.

I'm in. I love it. You do like it. Oh, God, yes. Yeah. And you see yourself more as a business now than you did back in the day? No, no, no, no, no. I'm a businesswoman.

Always? I got a stapler. I got a tape dispenser. That's not, those aren't cheap. Mm-mm. I got a co-working office. I go to my co-work office where they play. It's so funny.

They play like very bland, yeah, almost like it's a movie music. Like the movie. Who does? The co-working office I go to. And it's kind of in a hipster area. So I'm like, wow, I wonder why they don't play something more like Bell and Sebastian. But they just just, But,

but, uh, uh, da, uh, da, but, uh,

anyways, and everyone's working on this game. I, um, what do I do there? Um, today, I did,

I have a 401K as a part of my, and so I had to hand in some paperwork for that. Uh, because I have, uh, yeah, I've printed out,

scan it. You guys know what I'm talking about. And, and yeah, so I was doing some, stuff for that. Right. That's good. Do you write there? Oh, yes. Yes, I've written there. I've, I love, I don't know if you know, um, gosh, I've seen a couple, uh, DJ did DJ Doug Pound. Yeah. Um, he's from, uh, Tim and Eric. Uh-huh. He goes there, so he'll be there.

Oh, really? Working sometimes. And, uh, yeah, it's good. I live in Highland Park and, yeah. We were, we were in Altadena, but then everything burned. down. Did you lose your plans? We are neighbors who are Trump supporting terrible racist people. But they're also heroes because they saved our house with garden hoses and super-soakers. Did they really?

Yes, they certainly did. Very odd. A mix of emotions. As they mentioned two racial epithets and handed me fresh Lop-Majun, a Jordanian treat. So then I was up there because it did affect parts of our house. So some of it said ash. And I went up there to get some library books had left.

And the cops, I mean, it's so scary now in LA. Oh, my God. These two unmarked SUVs pull up on me. Get out of the car. Two muscular cops go, excuse me, ma'am, what are you doing on that property? And I was like, I'm just a blah, blah, blah. And I said, oh, sorry, ma'am, didn't mean to frighten you. Just had to make sure you weren't one of the bad guys.

I'm wearing 17 friendship bracelets. How do you think I got them? Of course I'm one of the bad guys. Poo, peop, peop, pew, peop, pew. So wait, do you go back to the fires for a minute. Yes. So I didn't realize that you were. Yeah, we're, so now we're doing the thing.

A little industry grows up around. disasters. So I tried to talk to our insurance person to person. USAA. My dad was in the military. And that was like pulling, you know, it was just pulling. Impossible. Yeah. Pulling tea. Like I just, I was like, oh, I don't have this in me. Yeah. So somebody said what you do is you hire a public adjuster. They're like a manager for your disaster. Right. And they take 20% of 15, 20% and 20% of whatever it is they're able to get from your insurance. Wow. So weird.

But I mean, that's what you need. It's got to be impossible to deal with. Yeah. I mean, if you just have to deal with a claim for a leaky roof, it's going to be a year. Yeah. Yeah. Man. So, wait, go back to the fires.

So you know that the virus are coming. It's all insane and that rage of that night. I was going to go for a swim. My husband said, look outside. and the fire was coming over the hill. Oh, my God. And I already had, I mean, I always have a bag packed for work. So I grabbed that.

We had our documents. We grabbed our dogs, got two dogs, a pug and a Chiwawa pug, Max and Muffin. And we grabbed them. And I was like, I had a couple of friends we could have stayed with, but then they started having people needing to stay with them. So I went on my Hilton honors app. And it turns out I have 270,000 points. Check myself in, checked us into the Pasadena Hilton.

And got some other people rooms, who we knew from the neighborhood. And yeah, so I had a very bougie emergency experience. Jeez. And how did you know that they were defending your house? We came back like two days after and we're like, oh, it's still there because we didn't, you don't know if it's there. Yeah. Yeah.

And it was, and it survived. And then your neighbors told you we saved it. We saved it. And then they said something about like, we're trying to watch out for blank and blanks. Oh, God. I was like, what? Oh, no. They are.

They're that hardcore. Oh, my God. The worst. They are the worst. And yet. They saved your house. Oh, my God. That is so.

So strange. Jeez. And did they tell you what they had done with their, they just started spraying their house and your house? Yeah, because the fire from both sides, three people on our block stayed throughout the house. Jesus. Throughout the fire and just stayed and took their garden hoses or took water from their pools.

God. And it was, yeah, three dudes stayed the whole time. Jeez. Yeah. That is risky business. business. I mean, it's stupid. Yeah, that's insane. I think, yeah, and I don't know, maybe people didn't have insurance or something like that, but yeah, it's not, it's not worth it. And it, but they did it. They did it. They fought the fire. They fought the fire. They certainly did. Was yours,

where your home is? Was that like at the edge of where the fire got? So both of our neighbors on both sides, yeah, fought the fire. So we, we were surrounded by that. The, fire came up to our back, back of our house. Uh-huh. But then we have a pool. So, oh, somebody has a pool. That's hard times. But, yeah, went to the pool.

And so the pool kind of stopped it from the back. Did it go across the street to the other side? Uh, does that were that fire general? The other guy, the person across the street, his house made it. It was almost like, yeah, if you stayed, if you stayed or, I mean, it was just arbitrary. Yeah. Because then after that, all the houses were gone. All the houses were gone on the two blocks surrounding.

But, yeah, I think it's probably, and I don't mean to be negative. I have a feeling it's going to happen again. Yeah. Does somebody want to buy our house? I was just watching Chinatown with Jack Nicholson the other day. Yes. You know, that brilliant, beautiful thing. film and I it takes me about five times watching a movie before I really know what's happening in it

you know what I mean yeah yeah like you know uh I yeah game of Thrones like I watched a bunch of it I have no idea what happened I don't know it look cool so they had these water wars in which is what the film is based on in the 1930s where they got into to these big conflicts to make L.A., to create L.A., it needed water. Right. So there were these lakes up in Central California that were for the farm, that the farms were using and all of that. And they diverted the water from a couple lakes and bought up property

and told the people that had the farms and stuff that it was, that they were going to support them, but they covertly, like, bought property to route the, water down to L.A. to build what became L.A. And there was like craziness. There was like people murdered. There was like dynamite in dams and all of this insanity.

Oh, wow. All to create L.A. Because L.A. is in desert and doesn't have water. Yeah. I mean, that's the start of it. Yeah, yeah. And then you have all these other episodes up until recently, up to today, where it's like now that lake is gone.

Another lake is wiped, is tapped. And now they're using the Colorado River, but now everyone's fighting over that. And then if you ask chat GPT, what's next? They're like, well, it's not great. Desani. Yeah. They're like, it's not, you know,

they've got to come up with these ways to do wastewater and other things. Oh, my goodness. But it's with climate change and everything, It's almost like they've kind of, it's lucky they got this far. Yeah, no. I mean, that is the wonderful thing about human beings, of which there are maybe two things, is the hope. You know, the ability to hope, despite all other information showing you should not have hope. It's amazing.

It is amazing. Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes it ends up in a nice result. And sometimes you're on the news in front of rubble going. Yeah, going. We're going to rebuild. Oh, my goodness. So where are you at now with the house?

Are you? Oh, no. Well, it's just, yeah, it's a very slow, slow process. So they're paying for us to stay at a rental in Highland Park, which is great. That's good. And then the house itself, part of the thing, because it's sort of theater, they the public adjusters won't let us clean the house until the the last payment has been received from the and they keep fighting back and forth with the insurance agency so that's fascinating so it's kind of like just after Christmas all of our Christmas stuff is up and it's yeah it's all covered in ash and she's very very weird I wonder how the do you know what the Is there any difference between the Pacific Palisades and Altadena as far as the rebuilding and the coming back?

I mean, because there's so much money in the Palisades working class in Altadena. I wonder if the pace is different. For the black community, there's been some real and real concern about, you know, people who have owned homes in their family for 100 years. and then because there was not enough insurance or are offered cash just to leave. And suddenly this whole community is just blown up. Right. But there are some. I know there's Octavia's bookshelf, which is named after Octavia Butler, who grew up in the area.

They have resources of how Altadena is trying to have a land trust. so that people can buy back their properties. Right. Or keep their properties in a way so developers don't. Because, yeah, that's what it's selling now is just empty lots. And people, right, they're just going to build it up for the next. And the end, yeah, there's only, there's a limit to the support. Because the thing that wealthy people have in the Palisades is they have a lot of wealthy friends.

Yeah. So if they start a go-fund meet, they're going to get $150,000 in an hour. Oh, God, yeah. But someone in Altadena, you know, if it's working class, you know, you put a GoFundMe up, it's not going to be fulfilled. Right, right. And, yeah, and you could see that totally happening in real time on GoFundMe. Do you see yourself ever getting back there? No, I don't think so.

No. I am not a rebuilder. I can't possibly. I'm 54. I got a, I got to do a single, single floor ranch home. You ever go to Palm Springs? Oh, I have, but I. It might be your dream.

My friends have a little place. It's made for old people. Yes. There's no steps. When I say no steps, like even this little cutting board that's about an inch, that would be considered a step in. Palm Springs. It goes from the driveway

into the garage, into the bedroom, into the back, without ever having to take a step up. It's just easy old people living. Easy old people living. I love L.A., though. I love that you can walk outside

and get all sorts of great food, you know, from a table. There's a guy down the street just selling sauerkraut on a table. Like, you know, know. It's really true. Like, you're wonderful.

Some guys got a grill. Another guy's got pickles. Pickles. There's grill. Oh, it's so, yeah, I was in my neighborhood and there was some, on Highland Park, there was a police action. And I don't know if you've had that happen at all. People you know who have been arrested in the ice raids.

No, I don't. Yeah. I know a lot of people that are nervous. Yeah. Yeah. As, yeah. The whole city. Yep.

Yeah. The guys who worked for us, our landscaper to Gustavo, he has, he lost all of his workers because they were all had work permits, but they went to show up with their court appointment and they were totally taken away. That is the worst part. They just hang outside the courts where people had appointments for like six months ago. They've been doing all the right thing. Yeah.

And they scoop them up. There. Yeah. It's gross. Those aren't criminals. Those are not criminals. Oh, so cruel. Those are not criminals.

I know. I'm trying to figure out a way where I can, what is that called? Kidnapping? No. Well, putting myself in the way of somebody being kidnapped, they were saying there's a Karen for the Port La Casa. I can't be Karen

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You guys, is this illegal? This is crazy? I'm getting out my phone. Hey, stop. Am I getting arrested? Fun. Yeah, I haven't figured out how to do that because it doesn't seem like there's, like, I don't know how to, where you find out ice is.

Like, I can't seem to always find out where they're, where they're at. But I would like to be helpful. So far, I'm just sending money to. people in the neighborhood to get groceries who are scared to go out to go out oh yeah it's not good it's not good it's so insane yeah yeah and there's never like you hear stories of like things in the past like when they when they incarcerated all the japanese during world like none of these stories are told of and wasn't that the right decision weren't these great people that did it like you know history is going to look at these people as monsters.

You are going to be seen as the monsters of this era. Not good. Not good. And yeah, I just don't understand it. Yeah. I don't understand how they think it's going to help. Yeah. Like what's it going?

It just means chaos. But I think that's what the people in power really would like is to have chaos so that people are distracted and they're scared and they just start doing less stuff. You know, so that, I mean, what was the thing that happened in Brazil? The guy stole everyone's money out of their checking and savings account, the president of Brazil. It's just took everyone's stuff. He just took everybody's shit. And then that was in the late 90s. And I guess he's never given it back.

He's not imprisoned at all. Oh, my God. He still works in government. Oh, my God. So. That's insane. Yeah. I don't know much about politics.

I just, I hear it from open mics. That's where I'm getting all my historical knowledge. See, the new generation of open micers here in Los Angeles, California. It's so upsetting. So you were always very creative about your specials and putting out your stand-up. You always are doing something innovative and different. And the way that you did it with your folks and their living room was one. special and any ideas right now that you're working on?

Oh, I think I have to get a full hour because I keep, you know, when you get to 50 minutes and then you go, oh, shit, and then I can't seem to break. I can't break the hours. But, yeah, I'm sure an ideal will come to mind. And also, I have to bring up bad news again, but it might not matter. by the time Yeah I had an offer to do something in like a year and a half.

And I was like And my wife was like, oh, that's cool. I'm like, yeah, maybe. Maybe it'll be cool. Maybe it'll be cool. Yeah, I'd love to do something that would be fun. And, yeah, I haven't really thought of anything. Yeah, anything so far.

I do like the idea of comedy by myself, just like the whole idea that I have to make myself laugh. Like I'm the first audience. Right. Like, and if I'm bombing with myself, like, what's going on? What's going on? Maria, come on. Next.

So my next show, my next special may be in like, yeah, at like my own bathroom. I'm just going. And then me cheering myself on. You can do it. She's hilarious. Can I ask you? And just cut to one shot.

They always have the one shot of somebody laughing. Oh, I hate it. The worst is, it's always two people and one is not happy. Right? You never get a shot with both people. really enjoying it. Have you ever watched Stuart Lee's special? No. He is an unbelievable, he's my favorite comedian of all time. Really? My husband and I, he's, uh, uh, British and, um, he, whenever he does his specials, he does not sweeten it at all. And, uh, it's,

and he has people who are sometimes grumpy or unhappy and he'll talk, uh, delightful to watch. Look at Stewart Lee, S-T-E-U, A-R-T-S-E-L-T-L-E-R-T-L-E-R-T-L-E. Can I ask you a question? Yes, of course. What was your favorite food growing up? Peanut butter. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, and pot roast. And pot roast. Oh, God, I love fat. I love fat on a pot roast. Yeah. My dad worked at a Boy Scout camp one summer, and the chef in the kitchen. would feed me little bits of fat as I sat under the culinary table. He made little pieces of fat.

Yeah. Well, I, yeah, I was a little chunky little lady. Were you? Yeah, yeah. You were? Yeah, a little bit. Oh, I saw a picture on your Instagram. I wouldn't see you, but you were very little.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like a little cherub. A little cherub with a helmet head. How long were you chunky? I was chunky for a bit. I think for, I think like two years where I was like, Oh, like I had access to an ice cream machine. At the camp?

Yeah. I went to a violin camp and one summer and it was just like, they have an ice cream machine. And Mama came home about 10 pounds heavier. No, no. All my shorts a little tight. It's so funny. Coming home after violin camp,

You're parents like, oh. Hi, baby. Oh, it's okay. It's okay. Was your mom a good cook? She could be. She was always on a diet, so she took everything that makes food delicious out. Right.

No fat. No fat. But she did make incredible salads. She made with, like, fruit and cheese and crunchy things. And, yeah, she made for great salads. And she make a wonderful pot roll. roast and and casserole, this one cassero, which I still dream of, it has, okay, it is, what is it?

Spinach, tuna fish, mayonnaise, and then those crispy onion things on the top. Yeah. I don't know, I don't know how to explain it to you, but it's great. It sounds great. Anything where you put those crispy onion things on top, it's going to be pretty good. And noodles are noodles, too. Yes, right. Oh, man, that's amazing.

Do you dream a lot? Do you have dreams? Not really. I'm on antipsychotics, and so I take a deep meds at the end of the day, and it's completely, it's like a sharp blow to the back of the head. Well, that's good. Yeah, see, it is really, it's really lovely. Can I get those? Yeah.

What animal do you wish you could write? that you have it. I don't want to say this aloud because I don't want it to become a small business in Florida. But I would love to cuddle if they were open to it, a sea cow. Yeah. You know, but I don't. I kind of feel like it is a business. I just, I wouldn't want to bother them.

I've seen them in the wild and they're glorious. They really are. So beautiful. It looks like they're just looking for hugs. Right? I'm coming up behind you. Can I hold the small of your back? Get in here.

Get in here. That would be really nice. On an average day, how many pigeons do you think you could reasonably carry at once? Pigeons? Yeah. I mean, if this were really something that was assigned to me, I'd want to do the best job I could. I would also want to be kind to the pigeons. So all of a sudden, this involves a pigeon expert, somebody from the vegetarian society that's mad, vegans, the veg.

And then, you know, some sort of contraption that they, they're. would feel safe in. Uh-huh. So I'm going to say six. Six. That's a lot of people for six. Six, no, six pigeons. Six pigeons.

Yeah, totes. Yeah. But that's, yeah. I, that's what I can commit to and know that they would have a good time. Right, right, right. Seven. Someone's complaining. Yeah.

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When my kids were probably five and three, we came over to your house for a little barbecue. And God, that's so long ago. Yeah. Wow. And at the time, I think you had maybe three pugs. Yeah, maybe. Maybe two, two or I always have a chihuahua some in there too.

Oh, you do? Yeah. And my kids were, my one daughter spent the whole party with paper and crayons or something. Yeah. And just did artwork for you on your pugs, just drawing the pugs. Please thank her again. I love. So great.

I love art. How many pugs have you had in total, do you think? Well, because we always adopt older dogs, we've had. We've had, I think over the course of the 10 years, we've been together, six. Six? I think, yeah, around the same number of pigeons I could handle it. Yeah, and now Max is, I think he's about 14 and then Luffin's six. And we get them from Pugnation Pug Rescue in, I believe it's Monrovia.

And there's so many Pugs. If you live in L.A., go and visit Pug Nation. Really? Because, ugh, so many pugs. Really? Yes. We have one pug named Frank. I know.

And he pees everywhere. Oh, no. And you said that those were blessings. Right. I mean, how else do you know you have a pug? But you always get them older. I was getting older. Yeah.

Well, and Max was fully trained. He's really good. He never pees in the house. Muffin, not so much. but yeah we always get him older i like an old dog yeah because i i don't want to go on long walks i you know i don't want to keep tossing something let's just sit let's sit down yeah that's how i feel yeah yeah i don't want i don't want to pry this slobby tennis ball out of your mouth so i can throw it and repeat this yeah i love older dogs yeah and are they really

fairly challenged or like do you do you sometimes like once we got we took a a bonded pair and because nobody else wanted this bonded pair and they were so cute and they were falling us around and the one pug had bumps all over him they said it was cancer and they said that people didn't want to take that and we're like well let's take him home it was uh Arnold and Betty and turns out Arnold those were just hives he was just nervous oh no he was a nervous nelly and uh yes this Sometimes they come with something and then it turns out it's no big deal. And when he calmed down, the hives went away? Yes.

No, that's amazing. And then he started doing his a gentlemanly move on his dear love, Betty. He would, we called it the cherry picker. He would lick her vajee for hours at a time. It's very, very intimate. and so happy they felt comfortable. No hives anymore. Yeah, exactly.

I'm free, baby. It's so sweet that you do. Can I ask you when you, who's the one that you said isn't that great? Who pees once in a while? What's her name? Oh, muffin. Muffin. So when you come home and Muffin is peed on the floor,

which happens with frequency. see. What is your reaction when you see that? I'm like, oh, oh, my gosh. And then there's a lot of, oh, but she's a good girl. She's a good girl. You're a good girl. And we have, we put down diapers in the house because we know it'll happen. And we don't have rugs for the most part.

Right. So she can't fail. She can't fail. Set her up to win. Right. See, that's so sweet because my reaction with Frank, he'll pee on something again. And I get angry. Yes, okay.

I get, I'm like, damn it, Frank, I'm the duve. I got to take the duvet apart again. I got to take the inner out of the, what is wrong with you? Frank, what is right? And then I'll plead the case to the family. This sounds so petulant, but I'll be, I'll say, Do you think he just doesn't get it? You think he's just not smart enough?

Or do you think he's mean? Do you think he's spiteful? I feel like he's out to get us. Or maybe he's just not that bright and doesn't go out. He doesn't know the different between the inside and the outside. Well, and there is a way to, I think, to train them out of it. Yeah. I don't know.

He's like seven. Well, if you just for, you know, I don't know, a month, have him on leave. all the time and really watch them and any time they do it pick them up bring out you know like yeah but you'd have to quit your job for right there's that so I know just think it's an instinctual uh personality um flaw and um positive trait and it's because he's marking things you have and i what's that he's marking stuff right he's marking it okay He's marking. And then sometimes he, you know, then the smells there.

And I think he thinks it's just cool to do. And sometimes I think he's borderline, like, smart. Like he'll go and try and get it in the litter box. Oh. So he'll hit the washing machine next to it. And I think he's at least in the general area. All right. And he gets to eat a little stuff out of the litter box and goes about his day.

But I'm trying to be more patient with it and be a little kinder. but it is very annoying. It's stressful. It is stressful. It's just like pee-pee-poo-poo-poo-s is very stressful. Yeah. How can I be a better person is what I'm asking? No, no, no, no.

There's no need. There's no shame in having your feels. As the kids say, sometimes it is that deep. I know. And I want that attitude, actually, with my kids at the same time. I'm always thinking, like your philosophy is just love the hell out of her. Just love the hell out of her. And you do no wrong.

Because people don't, well, the people do not change. Right. They really do not change unless it becomes like, and you just don't know when that's going to be. It becomes something for them. You know, like it becomes, even if they know, like, I mean, I think we all know, alcoholic, drug addict, etc. I have a

whole family of this and you can go the doctor can say you're gonna die the next time you take a drink you will die and people are like

uh huh yeah you know so just love the person like that's all you can do love love love you can try to create boundaries if there's something that bums you out

that's affecting your peace of mind I'm like, hey, you can't use the car anymore because, but otherwise, yeah, just love. And I've had people say when I was being a weirdo, hey, I'm worried about you. And that, that I've definitely remembered in retrospect five years later when I actually decided to go get help. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah, of all the things of criticism or people being short with you or whatever, it doesn't hit you. as much as someone reaching out like I'm worried.

Yeah, I'm worried. And, you know, yeah, and, you know, I may be wrong, but I love you. And so I just want to say something and I'll never speak of it again. Yeah. And this is me talking to the pug? Yes, Frank. You get Frank in a chokehold. Yeah.

I know. Doggies, I don't know. It's, it is frustrating. Yeah, and I, yeah. What does your wife feel about it? She is like very in tune with the animals, very much loves the animals. She really is like the beast master. Oh, nice.

And, but even she, if he, if he pees one more time in her office or something, she'll get a little, she never yells at him, just yells to the ether. Yeah. You know. But she's very patient with the animals. She doesn't, yeah, she's just built for animals more than I am. I think I blame my father, really. He didn't like my animals.

I'm going to blame him. Yeah, let's do it. It's better than taking it out myself. But you seem like when you say you wouldn't decide to get help and take care of yourself and stuff, you seem like you've been in a really good place in recent years. Yeah, yeah, I'm very good. I, yeah, all the things. Los Angeles is such a wonderful place also because of how much help there is

and how much the culture is okay with saying, oh my God, you have to go to a hospital for, okay, oh, that's fabulous. That's fabulous. Good for you. I'll see you when you get back. Like it's very open about mental health issues, addiction issues and all that stuff. So, um, yeah, that's good. Yeah, but yeah, things have been going good.

That's great. I'm glad I, I seem pumped. And where are you, uh, were you going up stand up wise these days? Well, I go to, this is my theory is I go within five miles of my home. I love that. Yeah, so I, tomorrow I'm going to be at 9 a.m. at my local theater. It's outside in theater in Highland Park, California. And then...

At 9 a.m. 9 a.m. I have done them at 8 a.m. That attracts mostly babies. And so, yeah, I do an hour material there. And then I'm going to do... It's nice. It's nice.

Get it over with it. Forget of the day. Everyone's kind of psyched because they just had a cup of coffee. Right. It's a good crowd. I did something with Moisa Villasenior. Yes, yeah.

She did that little theater. It's Altadino, which is gone now. Yes, gone. Yeah. But that was a beautiful little space. And we went on like a Sunday at like 10 a.m. It was so perfect. So fun.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm totally in for morning shows and, uh, or anytime a show where like 4 p.m. is perfect for LA. Everybody's underemployed. Right. Everyone's depressed. 4 p.m.

Let's do this. Five miles from your house. Yeah. I love this idea. Yeah. So I don't, I don't really go up the clurb. Um, I just, uh, I will be at the Ontario Improv on. Wednesday and then I'll be at the bankhead theater in

Livermore, California. That's a nice spot. On Friday and then a few other places, but... So local stuff, but then touring. Yeah. Right. That's exactly. Yeah.

How are you feeling about touring these days? I mean, you know, obviously it's... Great when you get there. It's great when you get there. It's great when you get there. And I go with my friend Jackie. So Jackie opens. and that's really fun.

We have, that's, that's what makes it really special and much more doable. She is the greatest. She is the greatest. Is she your best friend? She's one of my best friends. Yeah. I can't, I don't want to pick favorites because I have so many, I have so many friends. But she's definitely my workwife best friend.

Yeah. And she is the best. So great. She's so great. So positive. So funny. Mm-hmm. We were just, who was I with, I was with Aaron Foley.

Oh, yeah. And we were just talking about Jackie. Yeah. The other night. Oh, my God. She's so hard to follow, too, because she destroys. Like, she'll do so well. And then I'm like, here.

Now it's time for the no good times of Maria Bamford. Too many words, Bamford. So many disparate, dissonant voices, Bamford. Are there people that you started with that, aren't around anymore that surprise you. That aren't around anymore. Yeah. Like really great people you saw when you were younger that were like, whatever happened

to that person? I thought they were going to be the bestest. Yeah. I mean, I guess it's always, I love that about show business that it's so surprising. Like I can have like a very strong opinion about somebody who's, you know, just comes to L.A. and they've just moved here from wherever. And I'm like, oh, my God.

Oh, my God. A year later, they've exploded. Like, they have their own TV show. Like, everybody's, you know, so that's really, I mean, it's also the humbling nature of comedy. Like, yeah. Yeah. I only, yeah.

So, but I can't think of anybody specific who's stopped. All my friends have continued. They have. Yeah. We've continued even if, you know, they don't do it for a living. But I do an open mic that's, I've been doing it for, I think, 30 years. And now it's on Zoom because the guy who runs it, Van Sanders, has just turned 70. Wow.

And so, but yeah, these people, we've all been, keep doing it. Amazing. Yeah. That's so good. We do a thing on this program called an uncomfortable moment. I'm so good at this. And. You know, we just kind of like go through the internet sometimes look for things.

And sometimes we find stuff on myself or the guest. And, you know, it's, I don't want to feel like it's not a confrontational moment. Okay. It's just sometimes it ends up uncomfortable for whatever reason. Okay. You were talking about how you are a businesswoman. And you kind of paint a picture that you're very charitable, especially with animals. But it seems to me from what we've found here is that you're making your pug life into some kind of a business.

How dare you? And it looks like that's you and a leather pants sheet. And way more pugs than one person needs. So I guess my question is, what are you up to? Are you saying I'm a porter? A porter? A porter. A pug order.

A pug order. Maybe. Or you're selling them on the black market? I just want to say this picture was taken at, this weird money laundering operation called the Comedy Awards. That were in New York. Yeah. And I won a Best Club comic.

And I was like, I don't do well in clubs. And then the headlining actor, the person who was Bill Cosby, and it was right before he was. No. Yeah. Oh, really? And he did a whole lecture about how I did comedy. and I was doing it. And then one day I got up on stage and I wasn't feeling well.

So I guess I didn't do as well. And then the club owner said, you, you go back home and you bring back Bill Cosby. And from then on, I've never been, not been Bill Cosby. I'm like, oh my God, that sounds awful. Like, what's happening?

What happened to your personality? But anyways, yeah, I'm sorry about that. That does seem wrong. No, it's okay. I mean, if you want to run a pug kind of operation, I think that's fine. Look how great they are. Aren't those little faces? They're so beautiful.

And the old ones are even better because they have like a little tooth, a little fang coming out. And they sometimes they lose strength in their back legs, which of course is not fun for them. Yeah. But what is convenient about that is that you squeeze out their poop and pee. So you're in charge of where they poop and pee. No. Yes. You have to squeeze them and it comes out?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Anyways. FYI. I don't know how to feel about it. Pugs of convenience. Are you a city mouse or a country mouse?

City. City. You ever go camping? I had as a child, but enough. so that I don't ever need to do it. Did your parents make you go? A lot of camping. A lot of camping?

A lot of camping? A lot of fishing. Oh, no, thank you. Why didn't you like about it? Hey, let's, you know, we're comfortable here? Why don't we go to some place where it's uncomfortable? And dad's yelling. And mom's kind of freaked out by the stove.

And then there's a lot of other people who are all so uncomfortable. They're yelling and you can kind of hear them from your campsite. No. What is? It's awful. What are you and your husband? Yes. What do you guys like to do for fun?

We'll go to the dog park. That's super fun. And actually I might have to leave pretty soon because I told him I meet him at 5.30 at the dog park. Is that a problem? Is that okay? No, you'll be good. Okay, okay. Okay.

Okay. So, there's that. And, yeah, he loves music. So we've liked to go see live. Oh, yeah? I've been to see a noise band. What's that? Noise band is, well, it's like a 747 taking off and landing and then taking off and then landing.

But they haven't practiced. That's what a noise band is. It sounds wonderful. It really is. It's pretty fun because, yeah, he likes eclectic music and it's kind of, it's really cool. Yeah, just that people are doing all sorts of stuff in the world. Yeah, that's amazing. Have you seen clowning?

Have you done clowning? No. It's stand up with nudity, crying, and a certain lack of consent. That sounds great. Yeah, it's pretty good. Get yourself to a clown workshop. Oh, geez. Somebody's going to take off their top.

And you've done this? I have not done this, but I've been to a number of clown shows. Oh, geez. And I dated a clown. You did? Yeah, for a year once. And, yeah, that is. A big different from comedians?

Just in terms of they improvise off the vibe of the room. So that is really kind of, it's super cool because sometimes it can go really well. But then some of what where I worry about consent is like, did you say? she should write down on a waiver that it was okay to have your ass, you know, in her face for 30 seconds. I mean, yeah. Weird. So, all right. That's funny.

Everybody seems fine. How can people follow your tour if they want to see you live? Maria Banford.com, too, backslash tour dates. Murraybanford.com backslash tour dates. Or you can follow me on Insta at Maria. Bamford comedy or are the Or the blue sky Manfred comedy or Twitter.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm coming. I'm coming to every part of the world. Nonstop. Nonstop. Well, this is so nice to spend time with you and catch up. Thank you so much for having me. I can't wait to eat a bit of that bread. Yeah, let me know how you like it. I'm sure I will. All right. You're the best.

Thank you, Tom. Maria. Yay!