Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 280 - Carrot Top

Episode Date: September 2, 2025

Today Carrot Top joins us at the table! We have a comedy legend among us - Carrot Top shares stories of running into the most famous and beloved comedians of all time - Buddy Hackett, Phyllis Diller, Geroge Carlin, and more! He also shares about living and performing in Vegas for nearly 30 years! Enjoy! Wildgrain is offering our listeners $30 off the first box - PLUS free Croissants in every box - when you go to Wildgrain.com/PAPA to start your subscription.  Get 50% off 1 month of Trade at drinktrade.com/papa. -------------------- 0:00:00 Intro 0:00:46 TomPapa.com Shoutout 0:01:40 Patreon Shoutout 0:02:12 Wildgrain Ad 0:02:57 Hecklers  0:04:05 Meeting Phyllis Diller and Elton John 0:08:55 Running  0:11:12 Becoming an institution in Vegas, being in Hacks  0:17:20 Touring and finding audience in Vegas 0:20:58 George Carlin's advice 0:24:30 Bread 0:26:40 WildGrain Ad 0:28:59 Trade Coffee Ad 0:31:01 Shows evolvement  0:41:30 NASA dad and going to college 0:47:07 Seeing Gallagher for the first time 0:50:15 Meeting Buddy Hackett and getting his advice 0:52:45 Seeing George Carlin backstage 0:57:45 Bill Hicks story 1:03:39 Terror of everyone laughing at you  1:07:32 Uncomfortable moment 1:10:11 Meeting Milton Burrow in LA 1:12:11 Queen, Sting coming to shows  1:17:00 Being a diva, rider  1:21:10 Longevity of career -------------------- Tom Papa is a celebrated stand-up comedian with over 20 years in the industry. Watch Tom's new special "Home Free" out NOW on Netflix! Patreon - Patreon.com/BreakingBreadwithTomPapa Radio, Podcasts and more: https://linktr.ee/tompapa/ Website - http://tompapa.com/ Instagram -  https://www.instagram.com/tompapa Tiktok - https://www.tiktok.com/@tompapa Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/comediantompapa Twitter - https://www.twitter.com/tompapa #tompapa #breakingbread #comedy #standup #standupcomedy #bread #carrottop #hacks Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And I said to him, what's it like to be like where you got it? Like, and he looked right at me and says, what do you mean God? I said, I mean, you're George Carlin. You got it down. You got it. You just go up now and you just do it. Because I had never got it. And he was serious.

He said, well, the day you think you got it, you ain't got it. And I was like, that's interesting. Amazing. It's true. I'm never happy with everything at a certain show. No, completely. So you have to get to a point where you kind of go up now and have fun and enjoy every moment. It's breaking bread.

Hey kids, I'm out on tour and going pretty heavy this fall, winter, up pretty much straight through until next June. We just announced a whole bunch of new dates. We're going to San Francisco, NJPack, Philadelphia. We're going to just a whole bunch of. bunch of places. We're going to Austin, Texas is on. We're going to a whole run in Florida. We've got some Canadian dates. There's no chance that you don't live near where I am coming. So go to tompapa.com. Look up the new tour. Also, our new bread products, I have this new line of bread products. Tompapa and Nambay, this beautiful, beautiful designer. We have a whole bunch

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No one ever heckles me, but there was just a guy yelling the whole time, right? I'm kind of setting it up now. So I don't know who it is. And then, again, I finally said, I got it. I wrote this without you, but if I need you, please help me. And finally he kept going. I said to the crowd, well, someone tell the guy to shut up. And it got really quiet.

Like I thought, oh, they turned on me because I said, tell the guy to shut the fuck up. Yeah. And after the show, they bring me back. I'm talking. They said, Hulk Hogan's here. And I was like, what? And they bring him in. He's like, yeah, brother.

I said, oh, man, he's like, I was trying to get your attention the whole show. And I'm like, oh, you're the guy. And I said, then I realize, now I know why the crowd's like, I'm not telling Hulk to just shut up. So, yeah, he was like, I was just trying to, I said, I don't need your help. He can't be in a crowd without being the guy. Yeah. He wanted to be the guy.

He's screaming at me. I'm like, no, it's not wrestling. It's comedy. It's timing. Amazing. What do you think he would have done if you did recognize him? Oh. You know what I mean?

It's my friend. Shut up. I would have told him, you know. I'm going to come to your match and, you know. And you're not yelling at you. And you know, and not yell at you. See, that'd be the difference.

You're running a wrestling. You know, wrestling might go, come on. Oh, got you. Then go, yeah, you're done. Don't you find it's whenever there's a problem in a show, it's usually the people that you invited. Oh, absolutely. It's all of your friends.

It's all of your friends. I had my brother-in-law, like, when I was running around New York and they're like, some guy broke a glass through a glass I'm like, who? And I was like, you're a guy. It's always that. It's always my people. Yeah, it's always your people, your guests.

Yeah, I want the people in the lobby, they're drunk, they're here. Oh, no. Yeah. No, you're, yeah, completely. This is my comps, yes. You're wearing, which our listeners won't see. Chanel number five.

I know. Thank you. Is it weird to order cologne over Amazon without smelling it, you think? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I almost did it the other minute. Yeah. No, you got to try it on.

Yeah. Do you wear column? I don't smell any. No, I don't. I mean, I wore like, yeah. A very light like he would have worn. Right. Phyllis Diller.

How great is that? So one of the funniest people in the world. Yeah. When I just went to that, I didn't even see it, but it's look. Yeah. When I went to college, that's when I started getting into whatever this is called. In Florida. Yeah.

I went to FAU. And they had Phyllis Diller came to our college. And I, and I was like, not even. even really the resident comic. I was just kind of trying to get into it. But you were like, hey, you want, you know. So I go and the student union says, you know, she's going to come out of this door

and you can maybe say hi to her. So I waited like waiting to meet in sync outside, like some idiot. And she came out with full on, it was pouring down rain. And they had her white limo and she had her still had everything. And they said, this is Caratop. He's the, you know, the resident comedian at the college.

And I'm like, she said, oh, well, get in. And she puts me in the limo with her. No. Just her and I, close the door. She's got that long cigarette. No. And she says, now, my hair wasn't this. It was, you know, it was not this.

Just the curls. It was just, yeah, but sure. And she said, do you mind if I, and I was like, smoke? So I said, no, it's your limo. So she says, okay, great. She goes, and takes her wig off. And I was like, oh. And she's like, yeah.

And it's just, she's just so goddamn funny. She's just like, so give me, you know, what's your opening joke? I'm like, oh, man. And I don't know, I don't even know an opening joke. Yeah. And I told her to the joke. It was a crime watch sign that I stole. Uh-huh.

And I said, that's the joke. I said, I walk on stage and I said, how good is our crime watcheth? They're not watching their signs. Right. And she's, that's unbelievable. Like, you just, and I never, every time I see it. Really? And by the way, the only, uh, in my.

My whole life that I've ever requested an autograph for was Dudley Moore. Uh-huh. Great one. And they both sent him. They both sent him. She sent it? She sent it? She didn't do it in the limo.

No, she didn't have one with her, but she said, you send me, I'll send you. And she sent one to the dorm and it said two carrots off, the funniest guy at FAU or something like that. No. And, yeah. How, what a great move of getting in the car. Yeah, I thought she was taking me back to the hotel. I don't even make to the airport with her. But I didn't know what, but it was just.

a moment, you know, 20 years old. If she had tried to kiss you on the lips, would you have taken it? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Philis Diller. Same they have an Elton John, now that you brought it up. I went to, I went and I met him a few times. And I don't know.

He said, bring me back. And it was so many people in assistance and handlers. And I walk in about the size room. And he said, he says, scowatop. And he goes to, now I go to show. shake his hand. It's all happening in real time. So I go to shake his hand.

When I go to shake his hand, I realize, oh, he wants to hug me. So I went from this to, oh, we're going to hug. And then, Rise and went to hug him. I realized, oh, he's going to, he, I thought maybe he was going to give a kiss. So he went to kiss me on the cheek. And I moved. So he kissed me right on my lips. And I'm literally, I'm not kidding.

It was the most awkward. Like, he was disturbed by it. Like, how many people he's kidding. many people at Elton John kiss. He was like, what did you do? And I'm like, I didn't know what to do. I did not want to kiss him on the lips. Did he really? Yeah. Oh, man. He's the nice lips, though. You know, I know, I know. I don't know. That is pretty forward. Yeah. I would kiss Elton John on the lips. I am. Right? Even again. I mean, I did it once by accident. Next time you go right in. Yeah. No, you're wearing, um, uh, running shoes. They're like the, uh, the, the, the Elth ones.

My wife has. I call them walking shoes. I don't run. Oh, really? Yeah, no, I run. You used to run, right? I'm a runner. No, I still run.

Oh, you do? Yeah. How often? Almost every day, but now it's a couple miles. It used to be five. No, you know, you know, it's still two is a long way. That's good. Yeah.

Choose a long way. Whenever I go for a run, I try and get close to three. And I'm like, just starting to realize, like, oh, the older you get, like, if you could just go out the door and run a couple miles. You just get to the car. Yeah, that's pretty, that's pretty, that's pretty, that's pretty, pretty great, you know what I mean, if you could do that. And people always tell me that, too, like, why do you run three miles?

You know, running, half a mile is the same as running three. I'm like, well, well, they say it is. They say, you know, the people. They say that the amount of calories and what you burn in fat is the equivalent of just 20 minutes of anything, as opposed to when people run a marathon, 20 miles, they're not getting the same benefit you'd get if you ran 20 minutes. Do you believe them? I'm going to start believing, though, because it would be a lot easier to run 20 minutes.

You run in Vegas? Yeah. So do you do it early? Yeah. I run in Florida too. I run where I have 30 homes. I've done very well. When I'm in London, I don't run that much.

But no, yeah, I know. Yeah, so you got to get up early and go because it's so hot. It gets hot. It's hot even at 6 in the morning. It's Vegas. It's like boiling hot at 6. Yeah. I need the temperature to be so perfect for me to run now.

And then I just jump on the Peloton and just pedal inside. I can't. It's the sun. It's going to be hot. Yes. And I can't go on. You know, people see me on the beach like, Jesus, can you have protection?

Do you have to protect your sun? You running around Vegas? Yeah. I mean, everybody would recognize you. And then want to start running with you like that scene in Rocky. Like when all the kids start running with him. No, okay. Someone said that one time to me.

You're like, man, like, you're like really recognized involved in Vegas. I'm like, I'm the same in Nashville. I mean, I'm the same idiot. You know what I mean? Like, even think you're only, if you only know you in Vegas on the strip, I'm like, well, no, you go outside of this, you know. Yeah, but there's something special about seeing you run in Vegas. Yeah, because they see the billboard.

They see, you know, you are Vegas, you know. And now you've become an institution in Vegas. And you, you know, people who are in Vegas, they end up being in films and doing stuff because, you know, that icon is in Vegas. Like you were in acts. Yes. recently. That was great.

And yeah, it's so good. It's cool to see. I was such a fan of the show prior to them. You know, I was just home watching it one. I loved the show prior to that. Yeah. And they mentioned me. I was sitting there, I was like, what the?

It's weird when you're just watching the show you love. And all of a sudden they're like, you know, oh, you know, broke up with carrots. I was like, get on with it. And I was like, what the? I just was like blown away. So I called, you know, the people. and I said, you know, they just mentioned me on hacks. Maybe, you know, I can be on there because they're already a fan, I guess.

And then why not make me the, apparently I broke up with his, her daughter. Right. Or I, yeah, I, I, whatever, we broke up. So I thought, well, make it, make it like, you know, that'd be great. Yeah. And sure enough, they call them, they said, oh, we would love that. Yeah. So I came on as a kind of a, you know, she tried to get back at me for breaking up with her daughter.

And she ruined my, my, which is this huge big palatial mansion. And that's the best part about television right on. Yeah, that was great. Everyone's going to think that's my house. Yeah, completely. They're like, he's loaded. You see him on HBO? It's like, that's not my.

And then I'd just say, yes, that's my house. I completely thought it was your house. This is why show business works. My friends said the best part is they thought that you were straight. That's what I thought was straight. They're like, wow, they put you in a show that you were taking a girl. Like, see? Television.

Son of a hoo-ha. You have, how long, you've been the longest in Vegas. Right? Comedian residency? I don't know. I mean, I think Liberace and I are still, you know, head to head. He wasn't funny. No, I think, I think as far as actual been the years of an actual residency, I think it's

down to, longest pure running. It's, I think, Penn and Teller. Right. They've been there close to, I've been there 20. Well, I've been there long, I've been one property 20 years. So. But then before that, you were MGM. Yeah, MGM.

So I think I'm coming up in like 30 years in Vegas. So, but a full-time residency, full-time, but the MGM, I was doing a partial kind of thing. Right. Because full-time, every night, punched the clock, it has been 20 years. So I think it's Penn &-Teller, and I would say, you know, it's Pennant-Tell, only one talk. So I get that, I get that. How has been, it just goes to me from. How has been, how have you changed?

What's it done to your brain to be in the desert? I mean, I'm full-sex change. I mean, that's, you know, it happens in you. Yeah. No, how have I changed in Vegas? Yeah, like, because when, you know, Vegas is an intense place. Yeah. And, you know, a lot of people like three days and I got to get out of there.

And it's become more of a city since you started there. Sure. So it's more livable, I imagine. Sure. But like, how have you changed as a performer? Well, it's crazy about, you just said that. And everyone says that all my friends like, oh, my God, how do you stay there? I mean, how do you do?

Yeah. You're there. I'm like, well, I don't go out. I mean, so people that go in there and they say, I get three days and they're, they got to get out. Right, because they're getting wasted. Right, they're getting wasted and going out and bars and clubs and I go to the show and go home. Right.

So I can do, you know, I can do, you know. Yeah. But I still, I go out. We have dinner like this. We would go to a place like this. And, but as far as the Vegas itself has changed, my God, it's, you know, it's nothing like when I started. There was 12 hotels. I mean, right.

Now there's, you know, my joke in the show is, you know, your room's not ready. How you're cleaning it? No, we're building it right now. Right. We're just putting in the carpet. But, you know, it's amazing how the town has grown and changed and seen all the shows that have come and go, too. So it's kind of a, it's surreal. Right.

And your mansion is off by itself. It's like it's on its own street. I'm in a trailer park right off Decatur. I saw you. We were piecing together whether we had, we've never hung out. But. Thank God. We did meet once.

I was starting and I was at the Tropicana when you would have to do that week-long thing. And we got to sneak over and see you. And you were at the MGM. Okay. So that puts us 20 ago. Yeah, 20, exactly. 20. And you were so great.

It was so impressive to watch because I'm just there like doing my first week of Vegas and trying to like figure out how to be a comedian. I think I was still trying to figure it out too. You were so dialed in. You were so. Oh, that's sweet. You had all the boxes behind you and just such a solid show. And the joke that lingers the longest was that thing about waking up in Vegas when your blackout shade has a slit. That is like a...

That shaft of light that hits you. And I had my lighting, I make that, that actual go. It's like a go-bow, they call it. Because I wanted the joke and the spotlight couldn't do it. So we actually have a guy that made that. shaft of light. Yeah, it just comes right in a beam. And now I've got that ramp on the stage.

So when I lay down on the bed, it's a great joke. It's, and it's been, I used to do back when it's the MGM, I'd say it would be all green because when you sleep at the MGM grand, it's all lit up. Your bed's, like it's a radiation leak in your room. And so, and then I got to the Luxor and we just changed it to the same joke in a sense,

just changed the location. That joke really, it really, yeah. Well, it's always, you know this, with jokes and things that people resonate with people, if it's something so relatable and so real. Yeah. That's what makes, you know, I always love Carlin and Seinfeld, all the people, when you watch the show, you're just thinking,

ah, it's, it's, why didn't I think of that? Yeah. It's so everyone, right, because you're like, it was right there. Yeah, you're, in front of us all. You always want that, you can relate, and you look to the guy next to you, and you're like, ah, that happened to me too. Yeah. Yeah.

That's great. In that time, let's call it 30 years, Vegas? 30. Yeah, 30. How often would you go out and tour? A lot. Not a lot, because more of the MGM days. I was always touring because we had, it was just a partial residency.

So I would do, which I do a whole thing in the show now. I hate when they get all the word residency. Because I have a residency where you do, it's called, hence the word resident, you're there every night. You live there and you work around. You know, they'll have like, what a day? I make fun of it, just because she had a three-week engagement. I would say Adele just entered her residency.

I'm like, how many shows that Adele do? Six comes up. It's not even a fucking week. It's not a residency. But I was doing a lot more road because we just had the partial residence. But now with what I'm doing luck, so we still try to get out and do some, but it's usually my week off. So it's kind of hard to, you still need to get a break. How does that go week off after how many weeks on?

On average, four weeks. Four and a week. Sometimes it's three, sometimes two, but on average, it's about a month, a week off a month. Which is, it's good. Yeah, that's a great schedule. When I pales with, and I'm sure you are too, with George Wallace. And I hung with him. He never heard of him.

When he was working the Hilton or the Flamingo. Yeah, Flamingo. And I hung with him during the day. I couldn't believe how much work he had to do. He was like running at him. Oh, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, like he had, oh, he went up, we would sit and he would watch the, no, cars go by and count how many ads he had. Yeah, when he did that with me one time at lunch, I say, we just, you know, I'd say, we stop counting your trucks. My God, we see you, yeah, I try not to look at mine, you know.

But then he would get pissed if there, if it wasn't the right amount, absolutely, yeah, no, he had to market that show. And he would, and George, God bless him, he would even go out on the streets. and tell me, come, come see my show, best show at 10 p.m. Yeah. And I'd say, it's the only show at 10 p.m. It's not the best show at 10 p.m., it's the only show. Of course, it's the best show. Yeah.

I love George. Oh, he's so great. He's unbelievable. But did you have to do that in the MGM days, or did you ever have to hustle like that? I mean, his deal was probably a little different. Yeah, it was. Yeah, I would go four wall. I'm four walls ever since we've, day one of on it.

Always been a four wall. Oh, really? Which means what to our listeners? Is basically you rent the space. So if it's two-wall, half the hotel owns half and you own half. Right. The four-wall, I mean, you basically rents the space is what it really is. I'm just renting.

And as a result of that, the hotel isn't really as invested in selling you. Well, they, in a sense, of course, no. They don't. And we beg for them to put up ads and put things more billboards and Duratrons and all around the hotel. I am involved in the marketing. aspect of that. But, but, but we, that we all, yeah, we've been a four-wall. And that's, people have always been amazed because it's a, it's a little different,

because it's all on you. Yeah, it's all on you. Yeah. It's all, you know, comes, you know, comes. They don't come, you know, so when you have a two-old hotel, pays for half your expenses and, you know. At this point, it's got to be a lot less work to sell you. Well, I, I mean.

At what point were you, like, on solid ground and didn't have, like, where everybody knew you and wanted to come see a Caratub show. Tomorrow. After this movie. You still feel like you're chasing it? Yeah. You always feel like you're chasing. Absolutely.

You know, George Cron, God bless him. I'd said to him one time after a show, he was at the MGM where I was coming a week or prior after him. And I said to him, and so whether you never forget these things, I said, what's it like to be like where you got it? Like, and he looked right. at me, he says, what do you mean, God? I said, I mean, you're George Carlin, you got it down, you got it. You just go up now and you just do it. He goes, I never got it. And he was serious.

He said, well, the day you think you got it, you ain't got it. And I was like, that's interesting. I need to invite me. It's true. I'm never happy with everything at a certain show. I mean, I've gotten better at that. I would beat myself up after every show, even if there's one little thing didn't work. No, completely. So you have to get to a point where you kind of go up now and have fun and enjoy every moment. For sure. I mean, but creatively, it's that, yeah, you always, I think the best ones always feel vulnerable.

Sure. Because then you feel like you got to work more and you never feel, it's what keeps you going and creating. But as far as the sales, the marketing end of it. Yeah, there's always, we have, I mean, I'm involved in that every day. We have, we have marketing everything. Every day there's something revolve. I mean, I don't sit in the most of the meeting, but they'll probably have.

Before the show, we have a little manager comes in, get me the day, day, whatever. They'll learn, discussions that have happened through the hotel and whatnot. Right. But we're always involved. I mean, I was a marketing major. So when I got a market, which I used to do a joke, you get a degree in marketing and you're writing a comedy, right? And you're right in a comedy, right? But there's always that, the marketing is incredible.

It never stops. And I always used it back even when I was, we were, We were watching an old clip that on the Tonight Show. And I'm thinking, the first thing I, literally, they show the clip, and the first thing I thought it was, that, that can't be, I always had my logo or my logo in the back of my, my trunks. Right. When I first started, I mean, like, you know,

a 30th comic of the night to come up. And I bring my little trunk up and I'd lift the lid and it said, Caratop. And people were like, I said, it's in there, it's embedding in their heads already. So when the show was over there, he said, who did you see tonight? They were like, it was a guy named Caratop.

Right. Because they saw it, and it was in their head. So it's always, in a sense, it used marketing. So I, anyway, saw it on Tonight Show, I'm like,

wait, I didn't have carrots up my lids. What was I thinking? Yeah. I must have missed them mark that day. I would always put my, or they would allow me, you know, the tonight show,

you can't put a carrotop.com. Yeah. Why? It's my thing. Yeah, yeah. No, you can advertise. It's interesting as you're talking, that comedy isn't far from marketing.

Oh, absolutely. You're trying to convey an idea. You're trying to communicate with these people for a laugh or for them to come to see you. You're able to make them laugh. But, yeah, they're kind of, they're very similar. Yeah. Right? Absolutely.

There's a lot of marketing is in everything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we have to have more meetings. We need more meetings. We should meet all the time. Hmm. We don't meet enough.

Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Be weird if I came on your show and you couldn't ask me a question. This is going to sound so happy. No, I'm just going to talk. You're not going to answer me in any question. This is going to sound hacky and stupid. All right.

All right. But I'm going to tell you what happened to me. I cook from my family. I'm the cook. And yesterday. Wonderful. Thank you. Oh, I baked this spread for you, by the way.

Very nice. I really did. I swear to God this morning. I'm going to get into that. No, it's yours. I baked it for you. And you get it. to take it home.

Thank you. If I had home. I know. I was worried about that. There was a little bit of me. It was like, I got to give it to him, but I know he's in a hotel. He doesn't have a hotel. Yeah.

Do you eat bread? Yeah. Who doesn't eat bread? I hate people say that. You don't eat anything. You must be a diet. I'm like, what? Yeah.

No, I get to eat at a pizzeria. So you don't eat carbs, right? I'm like, I'm eating a fucking pizza. Well, you look like you're in such good shape. It's all fake. It's all. When I lived in L.A., I love this. I went to a,

the gold gym in Venice Beach all the time. Uh-huh. I just love this. I'm working out there and this lady walks up and she's like, wow, who did your implants? And I said, like, it's a weird thing to say to someone. So I'm thinking like cheek implants? Yeah. And I go.

So I made a joke. I said, oh, my calves? And she said, no, no, your arm. I said, my arm? She goes, I said, implants? Only in L.A. would someone walk up to the gyms? Who does your implants? And want it and want the number.

My calf, yeah, my calf's lady. I had my calves. This is me doing your bread this morning. You really are? This was your bread, yeah. You sure that wasn't like Jack Black? So you didn't make that for Jack Black last week and now you make a night? Do you say during it?

This is for Caracop. No, this was literally this morning. Look, what's it say up there? What's that little? God, I have my glasses. It says today. It says bullshit. It says today. He did that today.

Well, thank you. That's great. Thank you. Whatever. I don't think he says carrot top in it. He said, now I'm going to have carrotop on this afternoon, so I'm making this bread. I should, you know, the marketing part of me? I should be saying that. In court, I say it's complete bullshit.

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a little bit sporadic and a little bit you know i've never But then one of those people that write. I have friends that are like, what are you doing? They're like, I'm just, you know, I'm writing today. I'm like, oh, for a sitcom? And they're like, no, just write. I'm like, write. Like, I've never, ever sat down and said, I'm going to write.

Yeah. Ever. That's amazing. I'm just driving and I, you know, launch in the airplane today. I just, I start writing because I'm like, that's funny. Right. Odd places, but I ever just write. More just to write them an idea.

An idea or something. I was, you know, I was, this is, I don't put in the show or not, but we got on the plane this morning. This is real. This is, again, this is like, you can't write this. The flight attend said, welcome, sorry, just to inform everybody, we have someone with the peanut allergy. If anyone has peanuts, if you could refrain from eating any peanuts, we would appreciate it very much. And the passenger would really appreciate it. And I, for some of a reason, I'm thinking, the fuck, I mean, I'm 60, right?

I know there's peanut allergies and I don't know that, but we've, they give you peanuts on planes. I mean, the first thing they gave was a fucking thing of peanuts. So. Stop eating them. So I just went, that's weird. And the guy next to me, literally like a Larry the Cable Guy guy. It might have been, it might have been Larry. It might have been Dan. He just, within, within us, just right when she said, we really appreciate it, he reached.

into his, he had like a bag from the airport, like, you know, where you get magazines and snacks. He reached in and he pulled out a bag of peanut ams and he looked right at me and he goes, they'll be all right. And I just went that, and he goes, is that going on? I said, that's, and I started writing. He said, is that going on your show? I said, yeah, he's like, is that, seriously? And I said, yeah, you're not going to show my, I said, no, I'm going to show your picture of you.

I'm just going to tell the joke. And then I said, actually, just in case, I need you. And he goes, no, no, no, no. But that's, you know, that's how I think is stuff. Right. Yeah. It just happens and you're like, that's funny. Right. You know.

It's always things on planes too. Yeah. One time, a guy leans over and he says to me, we have something in common. It's this old guy. So I said, oh, you know, like maybe my dad worked at NASA. Maybe he worked at NASA. Yeah. So I said, oh, what do we have in common?

He said, we're both 65. And I said, I'm not 65. He goes, oh, you weren't born in 65? I said, well, born is. So I'm, I've got to go on the show. It's shit like that. Yeah. What percentage of the act is lines to bits to props?

Way more stand-up now. Oh, really? People are, it's the number one comment I get from friends that, not just friend, but people in general, even they comment on the show. Uh-huh. They always say, you're talking more? No, no, they love it. They don't, they just say, I've never seen you.

I've been telling stories a lot. And people really, my buddy Lazze was here, just said the same thing. He said, that my favorite part of your show is that whole story about taking your dad to see Gallagher. And I was like, it's a real story. And you get into that story. The crowd just dead silent. They're on every word. And back in the day when I started, I was terrified to have a moment of silence.

It was always, well, it was so rapid. Full energy. Right. Right next prop. Next one second, I'm not laughing. I was terrified. Yeah, yeah. And now you're like, I'm going to tell a story.

And it could be three minutes where nothing. Interesting. And then you get that. But then you get to that punchline, it better be good. You know, when I was doing it, and I'm like, and my friend's like, you're brave, man. I said, what do you mean? It's like, that always gets a, but, you know, one, it doesn't.

Then you're, then you're screw because that's, you know, there's nothing worse when you send someone to comedy. And they say, how was it? And they go, they just end, they didn't have, they didn't tell jokes. They just ended on like some weird. Yeah. Like they didn't have a closing joke. And they said, no.

They didn't have a joke, period. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I don't do crowd work. Right. Yeah. Ever. I mean, unless someone yells something out, then I'll say.

Right. Then you go off and, you know, I can go off all night long, add living back and forth, you know. Yeah, yeah, for sure. But other than that, I'm, you know, I prepared a show, an hour and a half show. I don't really need to interact with, how are you going to see you. Yeah, right. I never said, where are you from?

Or Chicago. Oh, great, what are you in Chicago? I've never done that. Right. And some people are great at that. You know, Len always said, hey, what do you do? I thought you work for the government. And it ties it all in.

And it's great. But I just have never been that guy. Right, right. Why do you think you started telling more stories? COVID. So I got into, we, as you know, everyone didn't work. And I was the first show back in Vegas to come back. because it was just me.

There wasn't dancers and bands and so there was just a single guy. Not actually my crew, but the closest, you know, the video guy was where your guy was. But it was, they put me in a theater. It was like a 2,000 seat theater

with only allow 100 people in. Right. And distanced and a moat. Yep. So my whole act is like, visuals and and write so I started to tell stories

more I still did the props but I noticed the props weren't working as well because they couldn't see them and there was no video it was just so I started telling stories and it really worked it was just like one

yeah and then I after that and I broke my legs snowboarding and I was on a knee scooter for about six months four months and I couldn't do my normal

thing. I can't even reach props because it was on a knee. So I just started sitting on this like a stool. I was on my scooter and I would say yeah my brother went to the thing and my, you know.

Yeah. And it was great. The crowd just, they'd never see me just tell, you know, what did it feel like for you? You know? Yeah. After, when you landed in LA,

X, it says Garrett Aviation, it's been there for a thousand years. And my dad, when he flew into L.A., He said, Garrett, aviation. That's a cool name. And then my brother became a pilot, which is kind of creepy, right? Yeah, yeah. So he named him after that aviation.

I would say that. I said, and then my brother turned out to be a pilot, named after Garrett Aviation. How crazy is that? And my name is Scott, so my dad basically named me after toilet paper. I was taking a shit. You know, and it would kill. It was a dumb joke, but they showed the picture of my brother, Garrett.

And my dad said, I'm shit, Perf Scott, you know. So, yeah. Did it, was it like a shift for you? Did you start to feel like because it's pretty, it's a bit of a leap of faith that you can go and tell these, you know, you're fine. Yeah. No. It's a different rhythm on stage. Did it kind of rejuvenate you? Absolutely.

And give you like a. Absolutely. It's almost even doing like these podcasts kind of thing. I, man, I love doing this kind of stuff because it's completely 100% different than what people see my, my, my, they come see my show. They're going to see the props and the thing and stand-up, but they never see a conversation. Right.

And the first time I started doing it, people were like, I love that, you know, I'm Joe Robin. They did like three hours and three and a half hours just talking and telling stories about my career, my life. And people were just blown away by it. They've never seen me talk. They didn't know I had, you know,

Lena would never let, not him. Yeah. The show itself wouldn't let me sit down at panel and just do this. They would always say, no, no, no, no. we want just the props. And then, and I would be like, well, I have a great story about my dad at NASA. No, no, no, no, no.

And then so these kind of shows came around. Right. And it became a nice way to, to, even going back to comedy clubs, way back in the, you know, in late 80s when I started, you know, I'd play a club. And they'd have radio, you know,

all the comics would do radio shows in the morning, you know, Zipi and Duda in the morning. And it comes Z-91, point out of the, now we got carrots off. The clubs would say, Oh, you know, we have all the comics do, you know, the radio. But, you know, since it's year this week's one, I said, well, I can do radio. And they're like, well, no, because they're, I'm like, I'm not going to see the props.

Right. It was like big, big, big markets like Atlanta. And I said, no, I said, I said, I said, trust me. And this is the 80. I said, put me on Mark and Mercedes in the morning in, in Atlanta. Yeah. And let me do it. And it was unbelievable.

They were like, even the host, when they get done, they were like, That was weird. I'm like, what? Like, I didn't, Caratop would work on the radio. I'm like, I'm not going to bring my. Yeah. I did Howard Stern. And that was a crazy one because I was so nervous.

Yeah. And first thing I get in, and I do like, I don't know, we're 20 minutes in. And it's just great. It's going great. Yeah. And they go to commercial break. And he says, he goes, I got to be honest. You know, we're reluctant because, you know, bring your, I said, I'm going to bring props.

I said, I can go get him if you want. Like, they're at the hotel. And he was like, like, sure. And I'm like, no. I did one, I forgot, I did something where I did that. I said, I get, you know, and it became a really great bit. I had just a little, I didn't bring a whole, I just brought a couple things. And we did it as a joke on purpose. I said, I'm going to start doing some, you know, I said, hey, it's a cell phone with a thing on it. And it was so stupid. Yeah. But the audience loved it. And I was loved. I'm trying to think what show was. And it was like, it was. And it was like, I can tell a story.

I mean, I've been comedy from 40 years. I know how to tell a stupid thing. Right, exactly. Yeah, I can handle it. Was it cool having a NASA dad? Yeah, I mean, yes and no. I mean, it wasn't a comedy family. Right.

Yeah. My dad was funny, though, but it wasn't, you know, it wasn't like a showbiz family. But my dad was funny. Was he? He was great. He had timing like there was no other, you know, nobody. He was incredible and funny,

but he would tell, you know, street jokes. jokes that he would tell NASA and then he'd come home in the you know the cul-de-sac and he would tell all these jokes. Oh, really? I always sit there and listen and laugh and then I'd go to school and I, you know, I wasn't the class clown but a tour later. Yeah. I'd go in and I'd tell the joke and your teacher's like, where did you hear? I said my dad, you know, told the joke, it's great. You can't tell that at school. I'm like, no, I'm like, no. I was a horrible joke.

Was it Cocoa Beach? Yeah. Yeah. I just saw some special on Cocoa Beach. Just the history of how it became the... Yeah. But my dad worked at NASA. So as a kid, I dream a genie show, of course.

And I love that stupid show, right? You see it now, you're like, what the? And I just love this show. And, of course, it's filmed, you know, at NASA. That's where they're working. Yeah. So my dad would come home work and I said, do you see Jeannie? And my dad's like, who?

I'm like, Jeannie. my dad's like, no, it's a TV show, son. I said, well, I know, but they've made Major Healy. Like, no, that's in, yeah, it's in L.A. And I'm like, no, but it's in that. I said, no, no, son, it's a TV. So I never understood, you know, that, that whole thing. And then one day they came, the, the whole cast, all of them.

And they did a, my dad took them on a tour. Oh, really? Of all the simulators and all the things. It's still a picture just like this in black and white at my house. Oh, wow. And it's, it's my dad. dad with Jeannie and what, you know, the main, Dallas, what his name was. What was his name?

Larry Hagman. And I'm like, Larry Hagman. And I was just like, my dad is a star. Like I said, yeah, picture with Jeannie. I'm like, oh, my God, it just blew me away. So I was always enamored by that. Yeah, I was a young kid. I'm like, I want to be a star.

Yeah, that's amazing. And then you realize what his root was and you're like, well, I'm not doing that. No, literally. There's a joke in my show about that, my dad's. You're going to be, I said, you're going to, I said, I want to be a comedian. It's a really long bit, but I do it. I want to be a comedian. And my dad looked at me and he's like, you know, that's never going to happen.

And then about 10 minutes later, I do the whole joke. My dad says, you're going to work at NASA and train astronauts just like your father. And I do this thing, call back, you know this is never going to happen. It's a big, that's the one of the ones that gets a big, we've got to commit for 10 minute bit just to get that. You know, it's never going to fucking happen. Right. I'm the stupid son, dad. But he had did...

Was your brother smart? Oh, I went to the Air Force Academy. Yeah. Very smart. Yeah. And I'm not dumb, but I'm like, you know, I'm not... That's not what it says in your bio. Yeah, the bios are wrong. You know, people say that.

Like, you're very smart. Comics have to be smart. Have to be smart. You have to be, you're really... There's probably a few out there that are real dipshits. I know if you... Yeah, you know. You met them.

Oh, I've worked with them. But no, but... Every comic, to be a comic, you have to be on your toes and you have to be, you know, intelligence and witty comes with it. But there's enough rebel in you that doesn't want to sit in class and go through all that stuff. Did you go to college? I did. I got a degree in marketing at FAU. Right, right.

Phyllis Diller taught me everything I know. I think it's good to go to school. I wanted to. And everyone was saying, I'm going on, or why are you going to college? I said, I want to get a degree in something. Yeah. And then, you know, I always say, you know, I got a degree in marketing and I'd go right in a comedy. But it was like it did.

It didn't. It didn't. It wasn't the reason I got. I wanted to get a degree. When I got the degree, then I was just like, oh, I like this comedy thing. But I'm not a comment. I mean, I watched as a kid watching Buddy Hackett and all these on The Tonight Show. Yeah.

But I would say, I want to do that, but I didn't know how you would do that. I thought you just picked the job, right? When your kid, you're like, I'm going to be an astronaut. You're like, yeah. Oh, you got to go to school. Oh, you've got to be smart. Right. I just thought you could be whatever you want to be.

Right. It's kind of funny to think of most kids saying, I'm going to be an astronaut and your dad was an astronaut. Right. Did he go into space? Yeah. Dad, no. No. He trained all the astronauts in the similar to go.

And he taught him how to drive, which sounds weird, the lunar mon on the moon. Oh, really? The rover. Oh, wow. So there's pictures of him with, you know, all the astronauts in the moon rover. driving, you know. Oh, that's cool. On the moon, by the way.

It wasn't in a set somewhere in California. I love people. We had to be talking about the time. What was your dad thinking about that? My dad would punch you in the face if you said it wasn't real. Literally. Yeah, exactly. I have a moon shirt on my...

These are not real. This is a set in... Yeah, never happened. Nebraska. Do you think that if you had gone into comedy, you would... Oh, God. I'd probably guess people's weight at the fair.

Yeah. It's the only job I can probably do. It's an easy job, right? Right. You sit there and then $2.90. Nope. Bye. Bring the next one in.

Want a break? I got one for one more. One more. Who was the first comic that you saw when you were like starting to think, all right, I'm going to, I might get into this and you're in a club. On TV or live? Live. Live with Gallagher.

Was Gallagher. Yeah. Coming into a club into town? town or went to a theater show? In a theater, but it was a surf expo, which is weird. So there had this surf expo and they had this big, it was in a big arena thing with all the surf thing and then Gallagher performed like after. And it was incredible.

My dad and I went, my dad and I went and I was just like blown away. And I said, and that's, you know. kind of like, you know, him being my big mentor, it's that you can't copy it. So going at some props, I was very, very careful about, I don't want to be doing what he's doing.

Right. Because he had a very specific, unique style of his props, which if you go back and see him, most of them were, I mean, God, there was some that was just, he was jumping on a couch. Right.

But then there's ones that are like, holy shit, I wish I'd wrote that. The T-O-M-B-T-O-M-B-B-boom. No, that'd be bomb. And he flips the letter. That is the most brilliant thing If you can find that on anyone watching your show It's mind-blowing how smart it is

Right And so I always wanted to have like a little bit of smart in there Along with stupid It was like what I liked about Carlin Carl would say I'd talk about abortion for an hour And then talk about farting Yeah And he were like, God, he did

I mean it was unbelievable I remember that as a kid watching Carlin I think it was the Carnegie Hall one Yeah And he was getting really heavy And talking about something really heavy And then just started doing the crab He just starts walking around.

Yeah. No, unbelievable. And to this day, I think it was Gallo Carlin, Richard Price, Cosby. I mean, there's somebody that just, you just study, you know. Yeah, no, it's incredible. When you were talking about the long story for the payoff, that was, I was thinking about when I saw Cosby.

And that was a Carnegie Hall, actually. And, I mean, he went, it felt like five, six minutes. of telling this thing. Right. And then the payoff was so big. It was so, the laugh was, I just, it was monstrous. It was at a different level. Right.

Because he built it up for so long. Sure, sure, sure. That's great. Oh, it was masterwork. And you kind of learn, or try to learn from those, you know, those great comics. You know, you watch them, you know, they tell the story like that. So right in the middle of sometimes you're in my thing, I'll be thinking, oh, man. Yeah.

What are you doing? Right in the middle of a bit. I'm like, I'm not. Isn't that the worst? When you judge yourself in the middle of a joke. And I'm like, I can see some ladies just looking at her per her phone. I'm like, ah, shit. She went to get out here.

I know. I'm in the middle of this beautiful story that's going to go to her. Did you ever get to meet Buddy Hackett? I did. Yeah? I did. I was at a. I'm interested in the people that would come through town.

Well, I didn't meet him in Vegas. I was in an airport lounge in Charlotte and U.S. Air Club. And I went in there and the lady, which happens to me all the time, they'll check me in. She's like, oh, my God, this is like comedy day, you know, comedians day. And I'm like, of course, first thing you say, who's here? Yeah. I said, Buddy Hackett. See, I said, Buddy Hackett's here?

That's a good one, yeah. And I went around the coffee and I'm looking, God damn, there he is. And I sat there and I thought, do I say, and this is way, I was just not even start. I barely had doing it. Yeah. Well, you're in the lounge. And I'm like, I'm in the Lounge. I'm like, I'm in the U.S.R. lounge, so I did it right.

Yeah. But I'm like, God, do I, I sit with some guys. I do this? Oh, fuck. And I just walked up and I said, I don't want to bother you. And, for the first thing I'd say, it's too late, you already. I just want to, I'm a, you know, an up-and-coming comic. And I just, you know, he says,

oh, well, then I'm going to give you some advice. And I said, oh, my God, I would love that. And I have it framed in my house. It still says U.S. Air Club, you know. And he writes down in a napkin, and he gives it to me. And he says, now don't throw the, don't, like, you said something like, don't wipe your ass with this. And I said, you know, beautiful, just like, I'm going to frame this.

What do you mean? And he will read it. And he goes, you don't. get it and I said no I get it and he goes you don't get it and the guy next him he's like he says he says he gets it and he says all right what does it mean and it was weird because I'm like I don't really get it

but then I so he wrote down the key to the treasure is the treasure buddy hack it so I said I get it and then the guy says he gets it what does it say what does it mean I said well the key to the key to life life. The key to happiness is happening. The key to your journey is the journey. And he was like,

fuck, you got it. And I was thinking I did. I guess I did. I just broke it down like the key to the treasure is the treasure. And I thought, I framed it and I thought that is cool, you know. Yeah, it's really great. Instead of like, you know, don't eat green peeve, you know, something stupid. Yeah, yeah, right more. Yeah, right more. Yeah, right more. Yeah. Stop doing dick jokes. So I just, yeah, that was great advice. And, you know, it met a lot of, that's amazing. A lot of legends. We talk about Philisdell. Carlin.

Yeah, well, tell me about Carlin. I never got to meet Carlin. Oh, he was, he was, I have so many Carlin one, but there was one that there was one that just stands out. He was coming off stage. I was going to perform the next day at the MGM. He was finishing his run. Uh-huh.

I came on the side and his manager, Jerry Ann, said, oh, just stand right here. I said, I'll get in his way. No, I understand. I watched the end of the show. when he was, he was in a, he was in a mood. Was this when, the MGM's where he kind of blew up and got fired, right? In a sense, I don't know if he got fired, but they kind of,

but they were like, he kind of didn't re-resign him. He went against gambling. He was, oh, he went against gambling. He was just, like, yeah, he was at the end of just his, his, he was just not in a good spot, happy-wise. But he came off and, and I'm trying to get out of the way because the last thing I want I was, you know, we got to run into fucking carrotop, the end of the show. So I kind of moved to get out of the way, and he, he sees me.

And he's like, he says, first thing, he says, he's, oh, shit, how much of the show did you see? And I said, I said, I, no, how many shows? I said, a good amount. He says, so, anything funny. I said, no, I saw like the last 30 minutes. It was great. He says, so you didn't see the show. And I said, no, it was awesome.

And he says, okay. You know that whole He goes When do you start? I said tomorrow I said What I Thanks for

You know Setting it up Now I got to follow you And he was like What does that mean? I said Well you're George Carlin I'm fucking

Carlin Carlin Carlin Cariton He goes How many shows do you do And I said What do you mean? He said When you're here

I said I do one a night I said Saturday We do two He goes Why do you do two? Why do you do two? And I said, because my manager has a car payment.

And he just looked at me and he says, no, why do you do fucking two? And I said, I don't know. I said, I do one. And if I fuck up the first one, I get a second shot at it. He got right in my face, literally as to grab my, like, grab my Batman, grab me by, then grab me. He just got right in my face. You felt it, yeah. And he said, don't you ever, ever give the audience the upper hand?

You do your shit. get it, great. They don't fuck them. And he walked out to his dress room. And I said, Jerry, I said, well, that went well. And he said, he said, no, he fucking loves you. He hang out for a second. I said, no, I don't think he wants to. He said, hang out. Maybe a second later, he said, hey, he did that little whistle. Carrot, top, or whatever he called me. And I went to his dress room. And he never talked about anything like that again. He just said, he said, so where'd you get? But not anything about it. You start and he said, he said, you're, it was the coolest thing in my life was he said to me,

that cup joke you do is fucking, is fucking funny. And I'm thinking my cup joke. He knows my act. So I'm like, my cup joke? He goes, the telephone. And I'm thinking, it was one of my favorite props have ever come up with. Yeah. It was a telephone paper cups string.

Right. And I said, everyone knows this, right, the telephone. I said, why don't they have a new one for an updated version? And I had another cup came out for call waiting. Right. And then three cups came out for conference calling. And it was, it was that big, I mean, boom would get, jaw, just conference, and then conference calling.

And then I'd say call forwarding, and I threw it. And then I had a clear cup for caller ID. I know it's you pick up. And he just was like, how the fuck did you? That's brilliant. Right. And I never forget that. I was like, George Carlin thinks something I did.

is brilliant. And he did. He said, how do you write that? And I said, well, how do you write? He said, no, no, how did you write that? I said, well, how did you write the stuff bit? And he goes, all right. Like, you're right. I can't explain it. I just, I don't know. And I did. And then he was like, he had respect, you know, he was like, that was great. Never let the audience have an upper hand ever, ever, ever give them the upper hand ever. He says, you go up there and do your shit. And they get it, they do. They don't, they fuck themselves. Do you believe that? No. Can you live that way? No. I have a hard time. I said no.

No, I wish I could do that. Right, because when you're talking about like the woman with the phone and you're like, oh, she's getting bored, you wants to go. That's how I am on stage. I'm like, Uber sensitive. I want to win everybody over. Absolutely. I could never be that.

I've talked about that way in the past with on shows where they say, you know, I would get a lot of crap because I was, you know, they'd say, oh, he's, he's, you know, selling out. It was like a sellout. You know, Bill Hicks had a great rip on me years ago. He said, and it was a great rip, though. He was ripping on himself. He said, he was on Letterman. He says, yeah, they're, I said, look at this. I'm in a club last night with 50 people.

However, they're draining lakes and putting in bleachers to see Caratob. And I thought, he's ripping on me, but he also much. So I, I'm, I'm. met him. Now this is kind of dark and creepy. I like dark and creepy. I was playing a club in West Palm Beach, Florida, called The Comedy Corner.

It was one of the very first clubs that let me not only perform, but I got to, on a Tuesday night, they let me, like, middle. And then all of a sudden they said, okay, on a Sunday or Monday or one of it, we'll let you headline if you can do 30 minutes. So anyway, this club, I'd finally, it was like, wow, the comedy corner. And they had Fox or they had Signedville, everyone came to this club.

It smelled like beer and vomit. It was just an old comedy club. Yeah. And the manager, Colleen McGar, was the one that literally, I went there with one prop. That's how long I'd known her. And she said, you know, do you have more of that visual stuff? Because it's really funny. All I had was my crime watch sign, which I used to hold it up and say,

how good is our crime watch? And I'm watching their signs. She said, can you do more of that? So I said, I can steal more signs. And she said, I was funny. So I started coming up with those. Anyway. Yeah.

She was dating Bill Hicks. I didn't know really, I didn't know she was dating him. Yeah, yeah. After this first show, I did. She was so, she came up with hugging me. She said, I can't believe you. You did so good. I'm so proud of you.

And you came to me with one prop and you just did 45 minutes set. And it was great. Wow, that's great. And I said, I know, I said, you know, it sucks. though. I get, you know, someone like Bill Hicks that's ripping on me and she goes, Bill Hicks. She's, what did he say?

I said, I told the thing. I said, I don't know why he hates me. I'm putting all my stuff together for the second show. Yeah. She leaves, this is crazy. And I go out to the hallway to go to the green room

and she comes walking in with Bill Hicks. Now this is two weeks before he died. he weighs like 80 pounds and he comes walking down the hallway and I didn't see it was him I couldn't recognize him he was just all skeletic

I just know who it was I didn't know she was going to get him out of his bed and he comes walking and I said she says he's his character Scott and I said fuck what's up

he goes I don't hate you and I was like I what are you you didn't have come down he says no I had to get it that fucking, you, shit, you got me out of fucking bed.

I had to come all the way down here to tell you, I don't hate you. I fucking, you, and I would just hug me and then he, and then he, really, two weeks later, he'd passed. Oh, my God. And that was crazy, right? Yeah. And he wanted to clear the air with me. Yeah.

And I just, you know, he was just, you know, he was just being, you know, how comics would. He was like, I wish I could play in a fucking arena, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's great. I mean, that's, that's always the. Not the really the way you want.

want to meet somebody, but, but it was a... No, but what a blessing. I mean, really, because, you know, when you respect people, you know, like, if you would heard, like, Carlin made a crack about you, you'd be like, oh, come on, right, exactly. Oh, no, I'd be mortified. And that's what always, what I always used the word, um, uh, all the way back when I was a kid and I might get picked on in school, which is, you know, I live in Florida, red hair and freckles and Jesus, you know what?

You know, everyone had blonde hair and surfing tan. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't want to... So I would come home, my mom was like, what's wrong? And I said, I don't know, so I'm picked on me. And my mom would say, who picked on you? And I'd say, you know, everybody. And she said, well, who picked on you?

And I'd say, well, honey, consider the source. And I always, it's literally is embedded in me. Yeah. Because whenever someone says shit about me, it's always that. It's consider the source. It wasn't Shandling making fun of me. It wasn't Carlin. It wasn't, you know.

Yeah, yeah. It was always some, someone never heard of in a, And I keep picking on Omaha. But, you know, I mean, someone in the middle of Iowa in a basement is like, Garretteau sucks. And, you know, now it's more prone and irrelevant because of social media. So, you know, people say, do you read your thing? I said, fuck, I don't read. No, I don't get near that.

I get people walk up. Do you see what that guy's? I said, no, I don't want to hear what the guy said. Yeah. I don't want to hear what I do. I don't care what I do. I could eat a hot dog on social media and said, I thought you, I thought you, why are you eating steak? I'm like, it's a fucking hot dog.

Like, people are insane. Yeah. I can't even, I really kidding. No, I know. You know, it's funny. You shouldn't eat steak to kill people. Yeah, it's a fucking hot dog. Yeah.

I mean, crap macaroni and cheese. Yeah. Why are you eating tuna, you know, well, bed there. It's not tuna. It's macaroni. Yeah. Sometimes I'll post these bread videos, you know, of me baking, of doing the bread. Yeah.

And people will shit on me because of the clock behind me. And they're like, he said it was the morning, but it looks like it's four or something like that. I'm like, people are zooming in to like look for, to look for shit. Everybody's always looking for something. Yep. You know? They always, that's what you should do. I always put like a dildo in the back somewhere just so they go, oh, I see the dill.

Hey, oh, I'm good. That's why I put it there. I don't want to brag, but I watched Wicked last night. Nice. And there was a scene, it was beautiful. And there was a scene when Elfaba, is that her name? The green one comes walking in. And everyone's laughing at her.

The whole school is laughing at her because she's wearing this hat. And it really just hit me of, that is the biggest terror in life. We can all relate to this scene. Because it's the biggest terror. especially when you're little and you haven't found your way of everybody laughing at you, right? Yeah. And Carrie, right, when the mother's, everyone's going to laugh at you. Everyone's going to laugh at you.

There's something so terrifying. Absolutely. Before you're formed. And even after. Even if you're formed, it still hurts. I mean, sorry. I mean, everyone's bulletproof. I mean, you know, I can be always say, you're your feelings?

Yeah, my feelings get hurt. I'm human. Of course I do. I know what likes them to talk shit about you. Yeah. But also, you know, if people are talking shit about you, they're noticing you. They always get right, but they always get it wrong. You know, have you seen the Billy Joel thing?

No. It's really good. But there was a thing in there where, and their store, Christy Brinkley was a talent was different than what I get the same thing, but in a different thing. So I always get people all the time like, oh, you live, you know, next to my friend and so-and-so. and I'm like, well, who's your friend? They're like, you know, the Conners. I'm like, Conners.

I said, Florida and Vegas, they go, Florida. I go, in Florida? Yeah, you're an extra neighbors. I'm like, they're not, they don't live. No, they live, they live. I'm like, where do they live? And like, your house is, I'm like, no, my house is not, I'm not in Disney. Like, they'll say like in, like an area.

Yeah, I'm like, no, I live in Winter Park. Like, no, no, no, I said, no, I don't know. Like when they tell you where you live in, no, I don't live near, I live in, no, okay, I do. This happens a lot. Oh, no, all the time, you drive, you, I, wait, you drive this yellow Ferrari. I said, I don't have a Ferrari. Yeah, you have a yellow, I said, I don't have fucking, you pulled in the valet in a yellow, I said, I've never pulled into a valet in anything yellow, first of all. And it's not a Ferrari.

They said, yeah, I said, wait, was I filming something? Yeah. Was it for a commercial? Yeah. And they're like, no, no, you. The Mandela effect. I'm like, no, I don't have a Ferrari. Like, the fuck is, so why is that happening?

I don't know. That people have this fantasy. Yeah, they get all the time. That's weird. The house thing, you live in, now you live here. You have, we did, we did blow all the time back in the day. I'm like, we didn't do blow to get. Yeah, we did.

I never have done cocaine. Like, what are you fucking crazy people. That they do I get a lot. Yeah, we used to party all time, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. I go, no. Yeah, man.

I'm like, no. Maybe you used to take us up in this weed at where? And they're like, you know, Harrah. I never played Harrah's. It's so weird. I just go, yeah, yeah, right on those days. Yeah, yeah, it was wild back then. I looked like I do drugs.

That sounds funny. Yeah. I don't. Do you smoke weed? Nope. I don't do anything. I don't. I don't either.

Heroin. I do. The heroin thing is kind of, yeah. Someone said to the day, do you know, Kathleen Madigan? Yeah, I love Kathleen. Very, very funny. She's just so funny. She's just so funny.

And she drinks the red wine. So we did this bit because she drinks so much red wine. And I look and she's like, she's like, oh, shit. You know the worst thing I'm not drinking red wine? I look at my teeth. And I said, well, it's better. I'd rather see people with red teeth and no teeth. Like, you're a fucking heroin crack addict, right?

Oh, so you drink red wine. Oh, you know, no teeth. So you did crack. Yeah. Red teeth are okay. She's like, I'm going to put, I said, no, I'm putting that in my joke. You can't have that. She's so funny.

We do a thing on this program called an uncomfortable moment. Oh, Lord. This whole thing. thing's been what do you mean well moment it's gonna get this whole hour it's gonna get more it's gonna get worse no it's not so bad sometimes we find out some real shit out you know this uh uncomfortable moments with phyllis dillard now tell me right no you know we all influence each other and uh everybody seems to uh you know there's all these great people you're mentioning you know carlin and buddy hackin and stuff like that and um it seems like um at a certain point i don't know

look, I don't know if the chronology of this works perfectly because you're ahead of me, but it seems like at least you went on a little bit of a diversion where you were trying to be more like me on stage. And you were working with a suit and tie and... No, that's got to be, that's AI, right? I don't think I've heard of our end. I think it's you. I don't, wait a minute, wait a minute, let's see the background of that would be. No, that's done.

AI for sure. That's like Jay Leno's body. It's like monologue or some shit. It does look like, no, it's not my body. That's so funny. That's great. You can look right at it. I pick the Tonight Show off the background too. See, I knew the Tonight Show. Yeah. See? It could have been you. Would it have been all gone wrong? If I did it. If Bill Hicks doesn't come down the hall. Right. And you're like, no, man, I got to wear a suit and tie like Seinfeld and Jay Leno. I'm going to do this just so now people are going to say, I didn't know if it cares about smoke. I saw him smoking. I did you remember that what's the person you said earlier Yeah.

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I wish I could drink or eat something that made me do that. If you think of it, yeah? You ever do something? You're just like, oh, man. Like, no, is it? What in a good way? Yeah, like, someone has a pub of the cigarette and they go, Oh, yeah.

I know. You're like, does that, do you just, do you just, you know, and you just stay and going, mm-hmm, fucking so good. I really envy smokers. I know, I want to be one. I know. I know.

because they just, they're so fun. They just sit around and groups and talk. And they get to like, just in the middle of a party is be like, I'm out of here for a minute. They just get to walk outside. They just go up to leave. Without a cigarette, that's a weird thing to do. That's so great.

Without a cigarette. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Why is he just standing by the pool by himself? You can't leave. You have a cigarette. If you have a cigarette in your hand, it's all of a sudden acceptable. So do you think you'll ever be a dad? Oh, fuck.

Maybe the next hour. too. Now that we're on that horrible path I took us another legend and it happened right here in L.A. And this is great. You'll appreciate this one. I get him out of a little coffee shop and then Robertson and I look and I'm like, Jesus, it's

it's, um, Merle Haggard, God damn it. Willie Nelson? No. God damn. Fade on away. No, no. H&R. Puff and stuff?

God, damn. And I'm like, is that really HRPub stuff? No, it's Milton Burl. And I look and I'm like, that's fucking Milton Burl, right? Yeah. And I do the same thing with, I'm like, I'm not going to walk up to him. Yeah. He's sitting with, same thing, sitting with his manager.

Uh-huh. And I just, I walked by and the manager kind of, he kind of looked over and he went, he goes, oh. And I said, hey, and he says, I don't care. And I saw him say like that. So I thought, now I'm going to. Yeah. He says, I don't do this. I said, I'm sorry.

Can I, can I say hi to, you know, Uncle Milton? And he says, absolutely. He's like, I'm a big, he says to the guy, you're hilarious, you're fucking great. I said, thanks. He says, Milton, milton. And he goes, ah. He says, this is Caratop. He's an up-and-coming comedian.

He's very funny. And Milton Burrell says, I'm not showing you my dick. Do you know the story about that? Yeah, of course. And I just thought, how great is that? He was always known from me, comics would say, you got a cock, because he had like a 19-inch car. And just once you hear your comment,

I'm not showing you my dick. And I just like, that's fucking great. That's his way of not wanting to talk about me. Yeah, I'm not showing you my dick. I said, I didn't want to see your dick. Great line. I'd want to shake your hand. It'd be funny if we just started using that line.

Yeah, I know. Hey, it's my friend Steve. I look, I'm not showing you my dick. I never even heard about it. I never even heard about it. No one's talking about it. I'm talking about it. Any cool, any cool legendary run-ins in Vegas?

Mm. Absolutely. Right. It's so fun. I mean, we get people that come to the show, you know, it's queen, sting, you know, that kind of stuff. And it's so surreal because you're, you know. Freddie Mercury? No, well, but, of course, not with Freddy, but the rest of the band.

Right. But Brian May came. This is great. Brian May came to the show two nights in a row Now here's the weird break He came at Roger Taylor the drummer They came and Rogers actually

We became become friends over the years But Brian had only met him Like at the concert He's very very beyond Just wonderful people Yeah So they come to the show And it's like royal

Little they roll to you like They just smell like rock star And they just make their coats And they're British And they have the security And they're like You know Scott is just wonderful show

And so Brian says to me, I don't want to be that guy. And I said, what? He says, would it be like, okay if I bring my son tomorrow night? And I said, to this? He goes, yeah. I said, to my show again? He goes, no, my son's flying in tonight. And I really want him to see this.

Yeah. And he was just going on and how about great the show. And he says, how do you do the thing? The cues and it was just great. So I said, absolutely. And he says, and I'm thinking, you know, I don't want him. Yeah. They come back the next night, and he came backstage, and he says to me, all right, I got to be honest with you.

And I said, what? He says, I thought that was a fluke because it was so good the night before. And then the next night, it was even better. And for him to see it twice. And then he even said to me, I liked you added the, he knew I added like one word to a bit. Right. Because you had, did you add more smoke to the thing with, I said, yeah. Like, what them?

Yeah. That's great. That was incredible. That's so cool. You can tell him real pure joy in his face because he didn't have to say that. But it was kind of honest with me. Yeah. He could have to say, that was unbelievably.

He said, I got to be honest. I didn't think it was going to be good. I'm like, shit. Sting was fun because he came back and, you know, what do you do with Sting for God's? Jay Leno has a great fit about that when he had Sting on the show. When he had Sting on the show and his mom and dad come to the, he says, you know, my mom and dad want to come to the tonight, though. And you know, you know, who's going to be the thing is on the throat. So I said, you know, Mom, Dad, Sting is going to be in the show.

So he brings him back. His mom, Stingman. And he says, no, Sting, Dad. And he goes, Stingman? He goes, no, no, Sting. And his dad, I don't understand. Dad, his name is just Sting. It's just Sting.

And so when he came to the show, I said, you know, Jay Leonard does a brilliant bit about you. And he says, he just kind of, I didn't met yet. He just kind of looked at me like, man. And my crew is all sitting and, like, over here, like, watching a hockey game. and he's just standing there a couple friends with him and I said

do you want to he just no he's no I'm good I said we would do a shot before the show like literally like just a ceremonial shot of crown roll just to just for shit and giggle is just that's cool

do anything break your you know open your vocal cords it's just you know a little shot yeah he's like no and he's like no all right so we're sitting to thinking this is surreal we're all doing shots with sting you know and he's he's kind of like

overly friendly but he's like, you know, he's like, reserve. There's a shot. And then he says, what are you watching? And my crew says, hockey.

And he goes, well, no shit. Like, he was kind of like, oh, fuck. Like, he knew his hockey. He didn't know what teams were playing. He says, well, no shit.

Like, and then he walked, and they walked him up to the show. And I'm thinking, you know, that didn't go, this is not going to be good. Yeah. And I do the show

and I, I'm not going to announce him. I had the minute in my hand. Yeah. And he came back and he must have hung out for an hour and a half. And he was delightful and mourned joba than I. But at the first meeting, I thought, oh, shit. Yeah, yeah.

He's yelling at my crew. I don't want no shit, it's fucking hockey. I can see that. No, no, it's not tennis. I'm like, yeah. He yelled at my crew. Where you go? Good job.

Did you have to pretend. Like Ellen would yell at her. I was fucking, boom. Yeah, do you ever get a reputation? for being a diva? No, I don't have any... Damn. No, I know.

Maybe that'll be the next phase. No, people... Caratop eye has gotten really mean. Well, you know, I know. I don't have it, I don't think... I have it in me, but I can't even in a movie. I can't even act that I'm an asshole. I just can't.

I can't. I'm like, I can't. It just doesn't come off. I had something. I was going to talk about that bit of me. She said, oh, diva. So back when a lot of... road shows when they had the writer, you know, as they call them, and everybody gets a writer.

So we had, you know, we didn't do the brown M&Ms and all that shit that became infamous for a reason why they did that. Yeah, sneakers. Right. So we had, we had, you know, a bottle of wine, like a red wine, a white wine, you know, a bottle of red, bottle of white, and a bottle of crown. And then that was, it was soap, you know, so we're going to take a shower after the day. But that was a normal, it wasn't like, you know.

Standard writer. Very standard. Okay, so it gets online and people are just like, you know, what the fuck? This is what he demands? I'm like, first of all, hold on. Then we would post like, this is my writer and this is Madonna. So it was like 19 pages of shit. I said, we're asking for soap, okay?

But people were just like you said, dissecting it. And so the last thing was two, and only we did this because my crew, when they They wanted socks, but only did one night we needed them. So on the writer, it said, you know, two things of, of, tube socks. Tube socks. Or, you know, socks. And for years, I was like, every night we do a show, like, I need this fucking socks. And we were just like, every night we just, they were just, every night we just, we just want socks.

We just give them to people, you know. And so people are just ripping me. Oh, just, I have socks. And I'm like, it's until we, you know, posted, you know, all the shit that, you know, Moriah Carey needs, and this is my needs. Have you seen those riders? I need fake grapes and a broken cigarette. That's all I need.

Have you seen those riders like Madonna's? Yeah, yeah. Are they completely insane? Oh, insane. They're pages and pages and pages long. And we just, we just want, you know, we just want, we want air conditioning. We want, you know, a place to shower. Bottled water.

Yeah. Not even bottled water. Yeah, we didn't even need bottled water. But they would go crazy. They'd drink it alcohol and get balls to wine and booze. I'm like, it's, it's. How about Barry Manolo? What about Barry Manil?

What about Barry Manil? He's a big Vegas guy. Yeah. Barry Minow is awesome. Yeah. He's, we're always competing for the, like, right now, the show is like the best shows in Vegas and stuff. Right. And it's an honor to be, of course, being, so I put a thing in the show.

Who got first place is Barry Manilow. Oh, yeah. Second place, Donnie Osmond. And third place, hey, me, right? I do a whole thing. It's, you know, total bullshit. We need a recount. And it's dumb, but it's real.

So now we're up for the, you. USA Today. Uh-huh. And God damn, sure enough, it's Barry Manilow. Really? Still. Yeah, Barry Manil. And the one that kind of, as we know, we're not looking for like, you know, it's,

you don't get anything for it. Yeah. And no one even gives a shit. Not even bragging rights. No one's going to go, hey, what could USA Today? Because we, we were in it the last four years and we got, you know, seventh, fifth, third. So now we're at number two.

Wow. It's Barry Manilow, me. Wow. And then it's Eagles, Santana. So I said to my crew the night. I spent on the show the night. I said, all right, I'm just going to concede right now. I mean, we're going up against fucking Santana and the Eagles.

Why? How? The Eagles played four nights in Vegas. Yeah. So it's not, how is it? And they said, because it's the best show they've seen in Vegas. Okay. So it's not, it doesn't matter.

It's funny to me like, we're not going to beat the Eagles and we're not going to beat Santana, you know? But holy cow. I mean, we're going to. I said, I'm going to concede. Oh, I told my crowd this night. I said, it's very easy. You go to usatsy.

dot com. I did it today and you just vote for the Eagles. It's that easy. Right. But man, good on you. I don't even know how to read. That's the weird part. For right. For real. I'm in the USA today. 30 years in, you know, of that you're, I mean, to be relevant is to be hanging on kind of relevant is a big deal. I am hanging on. To be, to be listed on this. I mean, look at you. To be listed in these top shows. Yeah, no, it's incredible. It's really incredible. No, it's an honor. It's incredible. It makes me, it makes the crowd actually. thing is I'm making it up. They get dead solid. I said, no, this is real. I said, the eagles are going to are going to beat us, but you know, please vote for them. But really, I mean, you should, and you're, you're walling me off a little bit. But you should, I'm going to make you accept it.

The only way that you are doing that kind of damage 30 years in is that you're creative and you're constantly, you care and you're working. That's a big deal. That really is a big deal. There's not that many people that have that kind of longevity in this business. And I think going back to what you were saying earlier, but when the carlain thing, you know, you and I, and I know a lot of other comments, there's no way you can, you can do it with that thought. Yeah. Right. Because you can't, you can't, like, it doesn't matter if the crowd's laughing on. No, I think the whole thing is that they laugh.

I mean, that's why they're coming back. Right. Because, and I get a lot of repeat business, and that's why you always have to write. And my friend's like, yeah, but it's always. was new crowds. I said, I understand. It's Vegas. People are coming in every day. However, when you, when you have repeat people like I do, like I'll say, how many people have been in the show for, almost the whole crowd claps. So they've seen, they've seen it. Yeah, yeah. And the first thing they comment is like, wow, your show's always fresh. So you have a brand new

joke about the gene shit going on, or you have whatever the current event happens to be. We did one last night, brand new. I was just driving into work. I was telling me, I don't know, I never right. I was just driving and I saw a billboard and it's hilarious. It says it's a for the Sahara. And it says this really hot girl on the billboard and she's going to pose like this. And it says, meet me at the pool. So I show the billboard and I said, and this is great. Look at this billboard. Meet me at the pool. And then when you get there and it cuts to the, you know, like 500 people, all guys in this big pool. It's a gay pool at the Luxor. And it just erupts because it's so, funny. It's like, meet me at the pool. Then you get there. Really? You're like, Sarah?

So, you know, right, right? The way last night, the guy's like, that's new, right? I'm like, it's not even an hour old. I knew it would be funny. I mean, you see it. It's very funny. Before we go, I was reading about that Vegas has dipped in tourism this year. Like, there's been... So is my sex drive, but hey, we'll fix that. You've seen all these changes in Vegas from the time you started. And things have been built and when torn down. Where do you see Vegas going? Do you feel like it's always going to be? No, they're going to. I mean, there's a lot of things happening with just tourism in a drop of Canadians coming in.

Yeah, nationwide. Yeah. So it's going to, it's going to adjust. Vegas, they're not dumb. They're going to figure out to get, you know. That's true. They're not dumb. No, I mean, they're not.

And they're going to, you know, I already've had meetings with certain people. Yeah. And, you know, I can't be the one just thinking this, you know. They're looking at me. I'm talking to the executive. And I'm like, why don't they, you know, the Las Vegas board of travel, what do they call it? And should know, I do a lot of stuff for them. Yeah.

Do a commercial like they do. You know what happens in Vegas. But not that, you know. Yeah. You come back and make it special. You show the golden nights. You show the girls. They show the restaurants.

You show the shows. The new stuff. Whatever is, you know, even maybe baseball stadiums coming. You know, the stadium, the Raiders. And then, you know, Vegas, the place to be. Make it positive. You know, all they're doing is they're just, they're showing, you know, clips of people bitch in a moment about bottle of water being $30 in a room. That's...

Right. Yeah. I mean, that's always been, you know. But Vegas can turn it around. Yeah. And get people back. You know, that, you know, they, it's, I think it's also unfortunate because, you know, Vegas used to be before I, before I would perform there was, you know, you go there for a $2 meal.

And, you know, they get, you know, right, they go and they have, you get eggs and steak for $2.99. Right. That was 1920. Yeah, and rooms for $60. Right. Yeah. So it's, that's not now. I mean, come on people.

So it's a new thing. But, you know, you've got to make it special because you can, you can gamble anywhere, right? I mean, you can't. Right. But you want to make it special. You can't go gaming in here in California. Yeah. But you want to go to a really cool show or a restaurant or go watch the Golden Knights or do something, you know.

It's still really special. And the Red Rock Mountains. I mean, there's so much stuff to do there. Yeah. They promote that, you know. It's very cool. Well, this was great. I mean.

I hope they'd fix it because I ain't got nowhere to go. This is it. Yeah, what would happen? You can do a residence. What's the one in Missouri that? You know, Branson. Yeah. Imagine me.

I move. Being Branson. You can't even say darn. You're out of there. Hey, how about this is darn? He said, darn. Oh, shit. Travesty.

Yeah, travesty. He said, darn. Listen, we have to have a talk. What are you going to do with the bread? You're in a hotel or you're going home tonight? I'm going to, I'm not telling you. I'm going back to the hotel. I've not checked in yet.

And I'm going to, I'm going to eat that whole thing. thing in one bite. All right, good. No, it looks very good. It is good. It looks homemade. It looks like you made it. Oh, my God.

It looks like home. Anyone clear? Don't we send information out that they're going to get fresh bread. It says whole food is right on the bottom of it and stamped in it. This is really great. Yeah, Tom, thank you. Yeah. I've always admired you and that you're still cranking out at this top level is no surprise to me.

Well, that's really nice. I appreciate it. Always been great. fans watching. I really appreciate you guys listening to my stupid story. Will you come back? Absolutely. Awesome. Different tablecloth, but I'll be back. And I'll give you storepour bread. All right, we got a kid.