Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 286 - Jim Jefferies

Episode Date: October 10, 2025

Today Jim Jefferies joins us at the table! Tom and Jim discuss why Jim is not his wife's favorite Aussie, the art of crafting your opening joke, and who will be the last standing Beatle. Enjoy! Right now, Trade is offering 50% off a 1 month trial at drinktrade.com/PAPA. Check out squarespace.com/PAPA for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: PAPA to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. ---------------------- 0:00:00 Intro 0:01:01 Tour, Nambe, and Patreon Shout Out 0:02:28 Comedy specials and sitcoms 0:06:15 Two Limbs opening joke - Johnny Cash 0:13:00 Tour of the capital 0:18:58 Jeff's resemblance 0:22:55 Jeff's wife's loves Chris Hemsworth 0:25:01 Aussie Accent pros and cons 0:27:25 HIM movie 0:31:23 Uncomfortable moment and Aussie bread 0:34:33 Favorite cuisine around the world 0:40:13 Coming up with rules for life 0:44:30 Better Man Premiere 0:45:33 Squarespace Ad 0:48:27 Trade Coffee Ad 0:50:06 Nambe shoutout 0:51:02 Drunk audience members and 14 y/o boys 0:54:27 Last standing Beatle and meeting Ringo 1:00:12 Oasis 1:02:17 Worst hair phase 1:06:56 ICE 1:11:55 Becoming a citizen 1:18:20 Life at 80 ---------------------- Tom Papa is a celebrated stand-up comedian with over 20 years in the industry. Watch Tom's new special "Home Free" out NOW on Netflix! Patreon - Patreon.com/BreakingBreadwithTomPapa Radio, Podcasts and more: https://linktr.ee/tompapa/ Website - http://tompapa.com/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/tompapa Tiktok - https://www.tiktok.com/@tompapa Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/comediantompapa Twitter - https://www.twitter.com/tompapa #tompapa #breakingbread #comedy #standup #standupcomedy #bread #jimjefferies Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Oh, jeez. Right? It was the most audacious item of clothing you could ever say. $6,000. $6,000 jacket. Right? $6,000 jacket. I'm there with a friend.

I put it on and I'm like, this is the ugliest. And I love John Mavada stuff, right? But I was like, this is the ugliest fucking jacket. And it had a popped collar like I was Elvis, a collar up that was up to my ears. Right? Right. Popped silver collar with zips at the back. and zips and zips and zips and it was all silver like this way and i put it on i was like how

f*** and ugly is this jacket and all i hear is you look fabbing that jacket i turn i turn and it's ringo star and he's like he goes that would be a great item in your wardrobe how did you feel walking around in it i just thought fucking beetle told me i look good in it yeah that's it right yeah bread. Hey kids, I'm out on tour and going pretty heavy this fall, winter, up pretty much straight through until next June. We just announced a whole bunch of new dates. We're going to San Francisco, NJ. Pack, Philadelphia. We're going to just a whole bunch of places. We're going to Austin, Texas is on. We're going to a whole run in Florida. We've got some Canadian dates. There's no chance that you don't live near where I am coming.

So go to tompapa.com, look up the new tour. Also, our new bread products, I have this new line of bread products. Tompapa and Nambe, this beautiful, beautiful designer. We have a whole bunch of bread products that's coming out. That'll be on tompapa.com as well. So head over there, and I'll see you on the road. Also, also, also, anyone who will be.

hasn't joined our Patreon, join our Patreon. It's a great place to get extra bonus content, a great way to support us here at the podcast. We need one more person. We need one more person. We can't afford them. And we need you to pay for it. It's a great place and it's a great way to round out the community. So go to patreon.com and look up our podcast and join us. It's a fun way to be a part of the community. And you guys are the best. specials was just him live at Red Rock and they had so many cameras for the side screens that someone went, this is actually a pretty good special. Really?

And they just used the footage that the audience were watching during the thing. And Netflix were like, live at Red Rock, great. You know what I mean? Right. And then, you know, with us, it's like, you need it in 17K on your face. We want to see your pros. We're all funny looking. Yeah, yeah.

We're all in weird necks. As I get older, the fucking definition's getting better. The only show that still seems to be getting away with low-deaf cameras is RuPaul's drag race. The drag queens have gone, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's hard enough to fool people in a dark nightclub. Back up. All our specials are in the highest deaf you could possibly get. We're the funniest-looking people in the world.

You're making this fruit bowl my head look fake. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Comedians, boom. I also think multi-cam sitcoms, we haven't had a great multi-cam sitcom, I would say for a decade, and someone might say, what about blah, blah, blah, whatever.

Probably the last one that was hugely popular, Big Bang Theory. Yeah. Right, that was huge, but. And, like, I was going to do a multi-cam sitcom for NBC, and I got a lot of, like, oh, you've sold out type of stuff, and you're like, do we all remember

how good friends and size, Feinfeld and, you know, cheers. Cheers. Oh my God, cheers. You know what I mean? Like how good these things were. But I think, especially cheers, if you had that, it looked like a bar. It looked like a bar that was well worn, that people had sat in, that the seats were old, the bars had little chips in it.

I don't know if it would have with a high-deaf camera. I know. I know. It really, I mean, even like watching movies sometimes, you like, this great movie that you grew up with that you love. And now it's shot, it's redone in high-deaf. and on your high-deaf television set. And everything looks fake and stilted. And it doesn't have that film quality about it anymore.

I tried to show my son, the last Starfighter, which was about that guy in the caravan park playing the video game. That movie does not hold up. And that could do with a nice filter over the top of it. Really? Yeah, it's no Star Wars. It's like all the graphics and all that. Speaking of Cheers, I'm here to promote me special in other things.

Special is great. I think it. It really is so good. Two limb special. Two limb policy, it's called, because I take photos with people who are missing two limbs. But now I've got a new policy that I'm adding on to it. You too. Well, I've had people, I've had so many amputees reach out to me in the last week.

When I say so many, like eight, right? But enough. It's hard for them to text. The ones who can text. Yeah, you know what I mean? And I had so many of them reaching out. And some of them, I had a very nice lady. called Brie, who she actually lost four limbs.

And she lost it during childbirth. And so, yeah, four limbs. And at that stage, I was like, you can have two photos. And so I've got a new policy, right? Yeah. So two limbs, you get photos. Four limbs. If you just contact me with any show, if you're, if you got four,

if you're a quadriplegic, you got four missing limbs, you have free tickets for life at my shows, right? For life. Yeah. But the handicapped spaces are limited. you're going to have to find out amongst yourselves. You have to get it early. You have to get in early, but I'm going to block them off and start giving away.

So if you get through the people who run my social media to eventually to me, I will get you tickets to come and say. About the cheers. So I recorded the first set. You know, everyone records two sets for their special and then somebody edits to them and then they show it to me. And, you know, I might say,

I prefer one episode more than the other. The first performance, I didn't have an opening joke really. And it's like, it's all right when you're on tour. Just like, hey, thank you so much for coming to see me. I've had a good trip. Hey, you come and sit down and talking to the people walking in and you can do a bit of banter. And then you can get into, I get into the, for that special,

I would have gotten into the actors joke about how actors and Austin Butler speaking like Elvis and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, that was really funny. So I went on and did that and then I thought, because I started one of my specials, my specials started like this, Bill Cosby, like laugh, right? You should start bang, because people can switch off. Yeah, and I thought.

Carlin would do that. Lance Armstrong. Yeah, you go straight in, right? So I thought, I thought, that was a weak opening for a special. Fine from the right. After you shot the first time. After I first the first one. So I was sitting there with my, you know, half an hour between shows or whatever thinking.

And so I thought sometimes, one time I ripped into Johnny Cash after. after I went to the Capitol that day and they told me they were going to put a Johnny Cash statue up. And I thought, I thought, oh, fuck it, I'll just do that routine. Well, kill a sacred cow that doesn't matter. Not talking about Trump, not talking about politics. Even if you like them. Not talking about Israel, Palestine, just, you know, even if you like him,

just a little bit of a dig to say. And then, you know, later on in the special, I fucking, I do Ted Danson doing blackface with Willpy Goldberg. at least is like five minutes later. Ted Danson doing, I have received so much hate mail from Johnny Cash fans, but the Ted Dancing fans aren't passionate at all. Nothing.

I think I was much harder on him. And the Johnny Cash fans are furious. There was one forum that was a country music forum that was just like, because my assistant sent it to me, thought it I find it funny. And it was like, I've heard of Johnny Cash,

I've never heard of this Jim Jeffries. I'm like, yeah, but it's, it's a, It's a country music forum. If the forum was Australian comedians, then, yeah, you've got an argument all day.

I don't think I'm as famous on a country forum as Johnny Cash. I never, never, never a shoes. Anyway, so you know how like all comedy always feels like sometimes, you know, when you've had an argument with somebody and then, you know, you think to yourself, I should have said that. Yeah. You know, I should have said that. As soon as I was saying to my wife, I was like, geez, I'm getting a lot of hate messages

from Johnny Cash people. I said, nothing from Ted Dantson. and then I went The Real Man in Black And I'm like Because I hadn't done those jokes together I'd never figured out to put that extra punchline That would have fucking destroyed

That would have been great And I'm only, you know I recorded the special about three, two months ago I'm too late now Brutal So we'll do a director's cut where I'd do some ADR Yeah, just loop it in You just cut to an audience member

I go the real man in black And I'm like, missed opportunity. It was a pretty bold choice to go Johnny Cash. Well, that's... I mean, I'm a Johnny Cash. I like Johnny Cash. How many albums are you going? I'm on Spotify.

He's in there. Just name three of his albums. What are the the albums called? Don't mention the prison one. I was going to go with the prison one. Yeah, yeah. That's the only one I know. But when I hear watching him with Dylan, watching him with Bob Dylan.

I say the Beatles. You got Revolver, Rubber Soul, Sergeant Peppers, Meet the Beatles, let it be. Right? Everyone knows these, right? You said you're a fan. No one knows this guy's albums. I have to double down now. I was, I had lunch with, and I won't say his name because I don't want to get him in trouble,

but I was having lunch with a vet. I'll tell you afterwards who it is, but an extremely high up TV executive. Okay. And he was doing, in the 70s, he went to do a Johnny Cash special like the Elvis Presley comeback thing. He was the head of one of those networks. And he was like, we couldn't do it. He goes, the guy had two songs. Even with Christmas carols, we couldn't pad that fucking thing out.

This is an old vote telling me from the 70s. And he goes, thank God someone's brought that up. I haven't been able to talk about it. Yeah. You know what it is? It's kind of Johnny Cash. It's like saying you don't like Mount Rushmore. Like even though you don't visit,

there's something in the culture where it's like you can't say. This is why it's great. This is why it's a great joke. Because you can't say you don't like Johnny Cash. If they made a movie of your life, they couldn't find anyone to impersonate you perfectly, your talking patter and the timing of your jokes. Me included, most, they can't quite.

get it right timing of the jokes Wacking Phoenix who isn't known to be a singer in any way never sung before never heard him fucking sing since just rock song goes and that's the album that most concerned

is fucking him doing an impersonation of him the fact that when Johnny Cashstatut brought out dirt and men were crying and you will have your way when the man comes Yeah, yeah, and it's like, oh, Johnny. Now, I'm not anti-country.

I like Willie Nelson, you know. Look, I like more of folk music. I grew up on John Denver, so if you need to know anything about me. Maybe Johnny Cash was too scary. Where's the, where's the, yeah, exactly. The man in blacky, what is he hiding under my bed? I don't want to get the heroin addict out of my face. Yeah, exactly.

Fucking singing about killing a man just to watch him die. Fuck I know too much about Johnny Cash. I might be a fan. John Denver, my parents fucking loved John Denver. Wait a minute, but wait, go back to the... Johnny Cash. You're doing it in the special

because it seemed like a really fleshed out bit. It was a bit that I'd done once or twice. Okay. Literally once or twice. So it wasn't really in the line up. It wasn't really in the line. And it was a thing that I'd done. I literally had gone to the Capitol

and someone had given me a tour. That was all true. Like a fan said, hey, I work at the Capitol. I can give you a back sort of stage sort of tour. The other option is running into the building. Right?

Scream. Yeah. Screaming. And so I got this tour. And then, you know, each state gets two statues. I never knew this. And they're two statues of what they deem to be the most prominent people to come from their state.

And Mississippi was getting rid of Jefferson Davis, obviously for historical reasons, which Trump with his woke. I'm sure it's coming back. Have you heard about this today? The woke museums? No. Trump has decided. that the Smithsonian have to go over everything because they seem to be just carrying on a bit too much about slavery.

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papa they made slavery seem too bad yeah yeah yeah yeah they they were overdoing it with the slavery thing on and on slavery in the black

history music This isn't in the museum of era like space or anything like this. It wasn't out of place. It was in the Black History Museum. Like if we get rid of slavery, the Black History Museum, we're just starting with Bo Diddley. Just jazz. We're just going to go, Bo Diddley invented rock and roll, here we go.

You're talking too much about slavery. Slavery. Don't go on about it. You can mention it in the past. And then maybe in the future, maybe. be in the future. It seems like it's coming. But that seems to be a ball to the wall move.

It almost seems like he keeps doing things to the black community until, and no one's like coming out really strongly saying, wait a minute. You know what I mean? Like where there's no. That one black guy who wears the MAGA hat out, he's just every morning, it must get harder to put on his head. Oh, great. Exactly.

He puts himself in the mirror. Yeah, there's a lot of things that need to be done. All right. Brings up his mate, Dean Cain. They're very angry with me. He really just keeps pushing and pushing. But why? Like, you've got, at the moment, they're meeting Putin.

Yeah. About Russia. Even if you think the Black History Museum is too woke. Don't let him into the LGBTQ museum. It's going to freak the fuck out. If he fucking goes in there, Even if you think they're carrying on too much about slavery in the Black Museum. Yeah.

Right? Oh, don't go to the Japanese one that carrying on about the internment camps. Anyway, so even if you think that, aren't you fucking busy? Isn't that so low on your list of shit? Or is it a distraction to stop us from watching you do the other bits of shit? Which I think it's a misdirect. I think he is a Slyderhand magician and he's doing this. Over here, troops in D.C.

Because quintessentially, it matters. History matters. Museums matter. But it really, at this moment in time, they don't matter that much. And it's a thing that you can get worked up about. He got us talking about it. Yeah, but it's not dying children in Gaza. It's not Gaza.

And you're not asking to see that Epstein list. No. And you're not that worried about taking health care from 10 million people. Going after the poorest people, the most vulnerable people in the country, that you're just beating the shit out of them. No, we're talking about, oh, slavery's gone too far and it gets everybody crazy. Do you reckon the Epstein plane, the low leader, is next to the Kitty Hawk plane? That was my favourite Smithsonian Museum, is you go from there's the first plane to here's the space shuttle, right?

All in the same museum. But yes, the low leader plane deserves to be in there somewhere. It really should. In history, all the famous people that were on it. Every time that more distraction comes up, I think, what is on that list? What is? And beyond the list, what are the details of that investigation? Prince Andrew, out of everyone, got the most fucked over.

He could have just, he wrote it out. He was just there going, I can't sweat. What are you talking about? Since the Falklands. He's like Bush during the Grab him by the pussy tape Oh Billy Bush Billy Bush

Just he went down in a ball of flames And the other guy who was saying Yeah yeah It was completely He became president Yeah yeah Billy Bush Who's the nephew I believe of George

Yeah And he'd been on TV for He's sort of he's back now And he's not out He's on the sky He's a good guy Yeah yeah He got hosed

He got a hose. And what are you meant to do when the microphones are off, allegedly, and you're in the back of the thing, and the guy goes, I'm alone with him, and the guy goes, you can grab him by the pussy, what do you go? That's disgusting. I'm getting off this bus. I'm getting up this bus right now.

We're all getting up the bus. The bus has just stopped. Yeah, but I'm getting up before you. You're just like. And then we'll do this interview because my boss wants me to do this interview, but apart from that, sir. I know. Who's, yeah, who's made of that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, oh, God. Yeah, what's on that list? Yeah, it's a lot of distraction. It's a lot of noise and distraction. That's why I brought up Johnny Cash to distract us more. Yeah. I haven't heard from the Johnny Cash estate.

And, by the way, you're talking blackface. You're talking the Johnny Cash people are pissed. Another guy that makes a big appearance in your. in your act, Hitler. Not a word. I wanted to call the special Hitler because I do three Hitler jokes. I got Hitler callbacks.

By the way, if you haven't watched a special, none of it's pro. You don't go, it's pro Hitler. It's not pro Hitler. It's fun, Hitler. No, it's funny. It's funny. Here's a thing.

Here's that I wanted to ask you before you get into it. I don't know how you built your act. I don't know where the jokes came from. Did it come from you being able to make a great Hitler face? because you do make a great, when you'd put your hair down. Okay, so if, if, I got, I've got, when I grow the mustache and I shave it, I am, I could play him in a movie.

You really? So, but I am, I am, my hair's a bit crap, but. Yeah, it's there already. It's there already. It's there and just a little moustache and it's creepy. Right? Holy cow. And with a little moustache, and I grow a great moustache.

I can do a thick, thick hitler. And I really do every now and again come downstairs as Hitler. I say in this episode for a few days. For a day, I'll do a day just hanging out with a wife. And so my wife has started to be like, you really do look like Hitler. The shape and everything. And I don't need to be in a comedy. The eyebrows.

You've done so little to make this happen right now. All he does was put his hair like that. Yeah, just that amount. And I'm already... And it's, yeah, it's eerily close. It is. So did the jokes come because you have fun with the... I've been, look, and as I said,

I've said to friends of mine, I said, do you do it as well? And I've been doing Hitler face for... I'm one of the... I am one of the great. I'm like, I'm elite. It would be a shame to never do it, right? But there's only so many people

who have photos. I think if I go back in my phone, I'll find you a real good picture of me with the mustache. Even when you were young, like you... When did you discover your inner head? Oh, my hair started thin.

When I had a full head of hair, it wasn't good. When you got more forehead. When I got more forehead in the balding and I had to just do a comb over over the widow's peak. I can't even see myself now and I know I'm gnailing it. You are totally. But it's so weird because it's lovable Jim Jeffries,

but there's something off in a very profound way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if I defy anyone to do a better Hitler, I've seen just as good, and that was Hitler. I've seen just as good with Hitler, and I've also seen just as good with a lot of, like, a whole makeup crew on a movie. Yeah, yeah. Right? Like, um... How old was he when he died? He must have been about my age. Jojo Rabbit or whatever. Oh, well, that was, but see, that was Tycho Wartiki playing Hitler. Right. Still didn't look as good, by the way.

Yeah, well... He had a uniform. He had a lot of things going. I don't know if he's a quarter or a half or three-quarter. But I know that Hitler wasn't half-Mauri. Like there was some artistic license brought into it. At least I don't remember it like that. Most of the footage was in black and white, so who knows? But I don't think Hitler was a Maori.

No. No. But let me think. Like Mel Brooks did it. It's funny because you can do comedy, Hitler. It's better if you are Jewish or a minority to do Hitler. Like me doing it is a harder

set up. It's a little harder, but you do, I mean... But when you're this good... When you're this good, right? I don't believe no one's cast me yet. When you put photo on my phone, the shape and everything and just... Yeah.

The cheeks and I've got it. I know, because when you start... In the special, you start talking about it and you start doing the mustache thing and then you're going along. And then as soon as you do the hair, you're like, whoa. This is a different level. He actually does it really much more than...

My wife finds it creepy, to say the least. I never have sex with my wife while some hit, man. My wife... I've told this story on a podcast before, but my wife... One time we were watching extraction, which is Chris Hemsworth. Right. And it's him just like he's Jason Bourne, but he's going in there and he's extracting people to extract them.

Right? And it's, and it was kind of cool because of Australian action star, like not doing an American voice, like going in and just that deep Australian voice, right? Yeah. Anyway, I go to the bathroom. It's Father's Day of all days. And my wife is sitting on the couch with her friend. And I've got to pick the movie, Father's Day. So we're all watching extraction.

Right? It came out on Netflix that day. I'm coming back from the bathroom, I hear my wife talking to a friend in front of my children. And she says, the Australian. accent has never done it for me before. And she goes, but on him. Points at Chris Hemsworth, right? But on him. And I'm like, you're next to the TV. Are you fucking kidding me? Like this, right? And so I walk, we're going, hey, do you want me to talk like this from now on? Would that make you happy, would it? Would that be the voice like that?

And my wife went, ooh, like this little joggy thing. Anyway, that night, me and the wife, we're getting down with it. We're going to have sex. Father's Day. And my wife goes, do the voice. And I'm like, what? She goes, do the Chris Hemsworth voice. And so I shagged my wife as Chris Hemsworth. She solidly kept her eyes shut. Yeah, from the back up.

Because I was also doing Hitler face. Hitler face. It was farthest day. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave the house. Anyway, so, but then afterwards we're laying there. my wife has one of her very rare orgasms. We're laying there.

And she turns to me and she says, if you can do that voice, why isn't that your voice all the time? And I guess, I don't know. That's like saying to Mel Blank, if you could be bugs Bunny, why don't you be bugs Bunny all the time? You get better seats in restaurants

if you rang up for your reservation. It is funny. I literally wrote down this question. has the accent, has your accent, with women before you were married, was it a pro or a con? It has been a pro for the most part. But when living in England,

sometimes I was referred to as a con. So the convict thing, right, with the British, can be every now and again used against an Australian in, yeah. So one time, one time I was in Oxford, and I was maybe 22, 23,

it was doing a comedy club. After the comedy club got invited, it was a lot of students at Oxford University. That's what the whole place is built around, right? And I got invited back to like a student's digs, you know, like, and I was partying with some university people. Yeah.

And then there was a girl that I was talking to, you know, with, getting along with. And then one of the really like posh guys just came up and was like Maddie. That was her name Maddie. Maddie, we're going off to Dean's Bar. We're going. We're going.

Do you want to come? Do you want to come? She goes, no, I'm okay. I'm just going to stay here. He goes, with the fucking convict. Oh. And it was the only time that I remember. It's very rare as a deeply white man like this.

Yeah. That looks like Hitler. Where you can, where you experience. It's not racism as such as nationalism. It's like, because I'm his race where the same... But it's a class. It's a class thing.

It's a classist thing. Yeah. And that was the only time where I was like, are you fucking kidding me, bro? Like, you know what I mean? So sometimes the accent could... I remember like a few, like, women in Britain used to like it because, you know,

the Australian accent, a bit of rough, in it? Yeah. You know what I mean? We're a bit blokey and stuff. And for the most part, regarded throughout the world as not being pussies.

And I think that's appealing. Whether I deserve that me, I'm quite the pussy. But I'm saying, I'm saying, my people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we can't be in movies.

Okay, so I've got a movie coming out called him, which I mentioned with you in Fortune. Yeah, yeah. And I'm in it And I've seen the movie But I remember there was a bit of debate When I first got in whether I keep my accent or not You know what I mean?

Yeah I did the audition in Australia And then I keep it in Australia But I remember them like trying to put a line into the film Like hey this is this is Marco We actually met him when he was working in rugby in Australia Because it's a sports movie Right

They had to say Where I'm from And just to the audience She had to go, he's got an accent Put up with it Yeah This is legit Yeah, we can move on now.

We've mentioned it. Don't start questioning where it's from. That's funny. Anyway, but you wouldn't do that with a British person. You wouldn't go, you wouldn't go, hey, this is Peter. We picked him up from the Premier League. He likes tea. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? And also, like, Australians can be in movies. Now we can be tough guys. We can be in, like, romantic films, comedy romantic films. We can be best friends. we can't be villains. British people can be villains. Yeah.

And, you know, the James Bond villain. You can't have an Australian bloke who's just like swings around with a cat. Right. Yeah. Not the sophisticated. And he's just like, ah, James Bond, you're cunt. Where would your accent help you the most with ladies? Well, okay.

Where in the world? Okay. I was an exchange student for one month in America. when I was 14. It's true story. One month in America when I was 14, I was an exchange student. Right. And it sounds like some fancy kid.

It was literally the Rotary Club would send one kid. You get a free trip. Right. It's like, who doesn't do this? You just go down and read a letter like, I would really be excited to see a different culture. I've never been anywhere. Yeah.

So I went to a school in San Diego called Granite Hills High. And I was down there. and I was 14. And the year before that, the movie Crocodile Dundee had come out. A year before. And when you're 14, when I couldn't even talk to girls, couldn't even talk to them. It was too scared to walk up to them.

And I was my first day, we're in English class, and they're doing that bit where you read a paragraph, you read a paragraph, you read a paragraph, you read a paragraph. And I'm doing that because I'm terrible dyslexia. I'm panicking. My paragraphs coming up like this. Yeah. And one cute girl goes,

Because can Jim please read like this? And then it was something that was like Excalibur. Uh-huh. And I was going, and then Arthur drew the sword from the stone. And all the girls were turning around and just batting their eyelids. And I remember thinking, I've got to fuck it. I've got to turn this up and not. I was throwing in, I was throwing in fair incomes and streets.

A crikey. This is before Steve Irwin. Right. I was throwing a cry. yourself a big hat. With corks hanging down. That's very good. Australia, the eye, every other culture you go to,

if you go to Hawaii, Aloha, Aloha, Aloha, loha, loha, you go to Fiji. Bula, bula, bula, bula, everyone's saying it to you. You say bula, kinnichua. Hello, everyone's happy if you know how to say hello in their language or the crookal hello in their language. Everyone's very excited about that. And Australians are like, come on down here and say gooday.

And then when you say good-a, we look at you like this. Don't do it. Nothing sends shivers up an Australian spine more than an American saying good-a. I don't know what's so upsetting about it. But when you go, gai-meet, and you're like, no. Just say hi. No. Yeah, just say howdy.

Do one of your ones. Howdy fella. We'll be all right with that. We do a thing on this program called An Uncomfortable Moment. Sure. And I have one. We usually take a deep dive into the internet and take a look at things. But it just suddenly occurred to me.

That would be fun. Why am I not doing this at home by myself? It just suddenly occurred to me. The last time you're on this program, you were going off about a bread. Yes. A Australian. Australian bread is the best bread in the world.

Like just supermarket bread. Hands down is just dynamite bread. And you said you were going to bring some the next time you came. Oh, I didn't remember to bring some bread. I'd tell you what has happened. Is this a sour dough? I'd bake this for you last night. My wife has now learned how to make sourdough.

And you gave me, I believe it, was it a sourdough last night? Yeah. And it was just the best bread. And I text you about this. I got home. My wife had just figured out how to make. make a pretty rudimentary just a loaf of bread that she's gotten into. Now her bread making has expanded.

Oh, good. And she became very proud of her bread. Nice. And I'd brought back the sourdough. And I was like, how fucking good is this? Ah, blah, right, like that. And she had a bit. Oh, it is very good.

And I kept on going on. And then my wife was like, why don't you just marry it? And I'm like, so your good bread got me in trouble with my wife. That's good bread. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'll give you a pass. I don't know why I couldn't see it. I didn't bring the bread.

I could bring the bread. bread? Well, we don't... We live near each other. I would have had to go to Australia to get it. There's no place to find the bread that you talk about. Because it goes off. You can't get here in time. Yeah.

And nobody's here doing it. No one's going to fly it in. Right. That's not cost effective. I wonder what it is. I wonder what the thing is. I just, man, my favorite meal in the world is Australian prawn, so shrimp. Just a bag of them with their heads on, just a kilo of those.

and a loaf of just white bread from the supermarket and a jar of mayonnaise. I'm made up, man. Just dip the shrimp in the mayo? Just a little bit of mayo thing. And then the peel the prawns, de-vain them, straight on the bread. The bread's so soft you can fold it. It doesn't break.

It mushes together and just eat it like lobster rolls. Just like little lobster rolls. But that's the first thing I do in Australia is like go down. That sounds good. And you don't have to, in LA you can't really get prawns with their heads on them. Yeah. There's no fishmongers.

We need fishmongers. I know. There really isn't. I don't know if we talked about this last time because I was, I do the feast of the seven fishes at Christmas time. And it's like Italian-American thing. And so you try and get the best fish and get the stuff. There's, you're going to like supermarket, Gelson's or whatever, just because there's no real good fish markets. When did you make this an Italian restaurant? Was it always an Italian restaurant? I think last time you were here, but you were here like in the very beginning of it. Actually, actually, I don't know if it had the ham.

It was, yeah, I think, or the provolone. Is that inflatable pro bono? Yeah, it's kind of one of those things you put outside your boat. I'm about to gig in Milan and Rome. I think I find funny about Italy. Oh, that's nice. The thing I find weird about Italy is Italian cuisine, it's up there.

It's one of the top five cuisines in the world. depending on taste. It's so funny. During this interview, you're touching on things that I wrote down to ask you. I was going to ask you, what is your top three cuisines from around the world? Because you travel so much. So Italian is, whether it's number one is, but like, we order Italian twice a week or once a week if we're going to order food or we make it once a week. but two times a week we have Italian food.

Also, such a winner with the kids, pasta and red sauce, peat, chicken, like, it's a winner for the kids. So when you have little kids, the best kids menus going are in Italian restaurants.

Asteria Labuca. Yeah. That's such a good. And we order it from there a lot. Really good. And that has a really good kids menu with the chicken tenders are like actually pounded

and all the type of stuff and then the pasta sauce has depth to it and lots of like. But what I felt weird about Italian cooking is when you go to Italy, that that's what all they're eating. I know. It's like,

I know it's really good. Give Chinese a go, man. I know. Just give it a go. Give it a go. The first time we brought my kids over and, you know, we're there for like 10 days and we're just eating Italian food like crazy.

And my daughter, you could see like she felt guilty even saying it. She's like, I just want to go back to America and eat some normal food. Yeah, it's very, and it's really good. It's great. My brother said to me something.

We'll get to the other two cuisines, but my brother said something to me. My brother, like, he was going to do a road trip around Italy, and he was talking about all the fantastic. He goes, and then we drove down to this little old cottage where this old lady made us food, and she brought it. It was like you were in her home.

And she made us Teramisu the same way they've been making it there for over 200 years. And I'm like, that's funny, because the guy who invented Teramisu died a decade ago. Yeah. He was invented in the 70s. He was invented in the 70s. Yeah, they're Italians.

Now they go, oh, the ancient term is... And it's a secret. We can't tell you. The secret was you bought two million of those fingers and you had too much coffee. That's how everything's made. I had too much shit. I had to get rid of stock.

Yeah, yeah. So Italian, Japanese, I think, would be my number one for going out to dinner. Yeah. Actually going out and dining. I prefer Italian at home And then I have to put Another

I grew up on a My parents only If we went out to dinner With my parents We only ate Chinese food Chinese food in Australia is really Really really good We have loads of Chinese immigrants

And stuff like that Right But there's been a little So I grew up So going to dim some With the carts Where they bring out the dumplings I love a dumpling

Yeah But Chicken foot I think I think Thai food Is edged out edged out Chinese for me. Really?

There's Thai food in a Sydney is meant to be the best in the world and because it's because it's the same recipes as Thailand, bigger produce. We have far bigger, bigger, bigger vegetables, bigger this, bigger everything, you know what I mean? And so they reckon that the produce is a bit. But when you go to Thailand,

so you go to China, it's not like Chinese food we eat here and everything's got cartilage and shit in it and you're just like, what are you eating there? But when you go to Thailand, they're fucking eating Pad Thai, man. Yeah. They're eating it.

And it's good every, the street vendor to the hotel, to the room service, to the, to the nice restaurant, it's all really good. Right. So I think on vacation, I go mental in Thailand. I love it. And they serve it all. They always keep on giving you frozen watermelon juice. Like, why aren't we having that with every meal?

It's so refreshing. Frozen watermelon juice with the Pad Thai. And then you have that. They're the only Asian group, the Thai, who have invented a dessert that I put in my top 10 desserts. All Asians don't know desserts. I know. Stop giving it a go.

Don't give me a fucking red bean thing covered in sesame seeds and then go, huh? Yeah. You know what I mean? Look what we did. You've got to give it up for Nobu. Koi's another good advantage where they haven't fucked. Nobu has just gone,

sushi, sushi, sushi, Western dessert. Right. Carrot cake, bro. Right? Let's not mess around. I've been to Japan. They weren't fucking around with carrot cake. Yeah.

Carrot cake, you'll give you a chocolate, molten lava cake, a cheese cake. Right? Like, like, and then there'll be some other thing that might involve mochi. Yeah. Right. But the Thai have that mango and sticky rice. Mm-hmm. And it's a banger.

It is a banger. It's a banger. It's a banger. Yeah. It's refreshing. You don't feel heavy afterwards. You don't feel like you've been. cheated. Often when you have a non, I always look for where's the chocolate first? And then I go,

all right, no chocolate. Find me cinnamon. Right. And I have, I have an order of thing. Butterscotch is right up there. I got to look for that. Oh, a cinnamon buttercotch chocolate thing. I'm sold. That's another thing that you do. And you do it in your comedy. And I was really having a laugh with myself when I was watching your special because you've done it with other specials too. You're very good about, and I don't know if you, do this for yourself and then you give it to the audience. But you're very good, and two limb policy is an example of it. You're very good with coming up with rules for life. You're really good at, no, this is the rule. I've given it some thought. And this is how we should handle this.

Blackface, before 9-11, you're allowed. After 9-11, you're very good at coming up. I have to give some type of, oh, sorry, because, you're not. Yeah, I, I, yeah, after 9-11, after 9-11 is, and I even think before 2010, don't lose your job, just get, you just get told off. Right, yeah. You know, because they've brought up a few others. I mentioned, I was just on Thea Vaughan's podcast, and I mentioned Chris Lilly, who's my favorite Australian entertainer.

I, and I think he's the most talented person to come out of Australia ever. I'm including Hugh Jackman, I'm including Russell Crone, I'm including ACDC, I think. Chris Lilly. is the force of nature. Yeah. You watch these stuff? No. Okay, so Summer Heights High was a big, but he does.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He does the gay theater teacher, the student, the Tongan kid, all that type of stuff. So he was somewhat canceled. He's back now doing podcast. Because he did blackface in, in, I believe it was angry boys. And he also did brown face for Tonga and he also did Asian face. He's been doing it. But he's been doing everyone on the globe.

He's been doing everyone on the globe. And the bit that I didn't like about it was HBO removed his shows off their platform. And it's like, okay, fine. But you agreed to it. You saw the scripts. You initially aired it. It got through your lawyers. This was a team thing.

We all know how hard it is to get something on screen and then get it actually showed. Yeah. This isn't just like, we can't believe that out of nowhere. There was the knowledge of hundreds of people before it came out. Yeah. People on print. Other actors and stuff like that. And then to all of a sudden go, oh, no.

And put it all on him. Oh, he, how dare. Yeah. Like that. So I, he is, well, look, so. So I didn't think that was his best character. Right. And it wasn't because of the black face.

I just thought it wasn't his best character. If I had to rank all the characters. But he's given me. Out of, I would argue, he's given me 16, 17, 18 different characters. Yeah. Fucking bangers, man. All of them. All of them are bang.

He does a thing on screen where he, you watch him and you go, oh, that's a man dressed as a 16-year-old girl. A man dressed is a 16-year-old girl. That's a 16-year-old girl. Yeah, completely. And then from that moment on when your brain shifts, you just watch. Did you see, did you see, he's not super. famous here, but he's one of the biggest pop stars in the world,

Robbie Williams. Yeah, yeah. Did you see his movie with the monkey? The monkey thing, yeah. Okay, that was the same thing. You start to watch it. You start to watch it. You start to watch it.

You start to watch it. What's with the fucking monkey? Why is that a monkey? When are we getting off the monkey thing? How long are we going to watch a monkey? And then five minutes in, you lose the monkey. The monkey's gone. And it's Robbie Williams.

Right. They don't know why he's a monkey, but the good thing is is because he can play through all the ages. He can keep his own voice. There's little film things that you can do. And also, people feel sympathy for animals in a different way than they do for people. So when he was seeing, I thought that movie was a banger. I actually went to the, I went to the premiere of that movie.

I know Robbie a little bit. And I've hung out with him a little bit. We have a mutual friend. I think he's a great pop star. and I think really funny guy. He's super into comedy. He's got tattoos, two glasses on his neck for the two Ronnie's, and he's got Morkerman Wise, and then he's got a fez for Tommy Cooper.

These are like classic British comics. His father was sort of a lounge act, so he's really into comedy. Right. So I went to the premiere of Better Man, and he started and go, oh, everyone, welcome, thank you so much for coming to the movie. The movie's going to be about two hours long. There's going to be a monkey. don't let it distract you.

Don't let it distract you. There's going to be a monkey. And he goes, but watch the film to the end. He goes, he goes, it's a pretty emotional film. He goes, if you got tissues, you're going to need him. And I yell now, because we're going to have a wank. Right? That was his punchline he had planned.

No. And as a comedian, I stepped on his fucking big punchline. And then he went like this. You know what Jim said? Yeah, all right, enjoy the movie. And the whole film I sat there like this. Fuck! I couldn't keep my mouth, Chad.

That's why I couldn't see the monkey anymore. Why did you fucking... It was these big night and I... Biennue at board of Vyarai. Embarked and profited. Embarked and relaxed. Ciroat. Bookine.

Oh, so also. And profite. Viaray, the voice that we love that we love. Great monkey, great monkey. Yeah, yeah, that was, that movie, it was funny because like, with all the addiction that he had and all this sort of, you know, and I think a lot of people, and that's what movies do, I started to relate to, I related more to that monkey than I have any, in any one in cinematic history, where I was like, that's fucking, I get it. I'm like the monkey. I'm like the monkey. We'd like to thank the good people at Square Space response.

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All my skeletons, so their heads popped off. I took them out today and put them outside and their heads are gone. Has nothing to a trade coffee, but the mood is here, and it's time for coffee. And if you love coffee, as I do, you kind of feel like you have the free pass to drink even more. Well, trade coffee is the number one. destination in the U.S. for hot and cold coffee drinkers. They've sourced the best beans from over 50 roasters across the U.S. They even have an easy-to-use curated gear so you can brew at home with better flavor. Go on their website right now. It's a good way to support the podcast

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And go to nambay.com slash tompapa, and you will get this beautiful box as well. There's a gift set also with a whisk, a bench scraper. and something else in there, I forget. It's beautiful, though. Yeah, bread products. Go get it. What's worse in an audience? A middle-aged drunk man or a young drunk man or a middle-aged drunk woman?

Back in the day, it would have been a middle-aged drunk woman because when they heckle and you respond to them, they could sometimes take it very personally. And that could cause more of a scene than you needed to have. happen. These days, not so much. Most of my audience who comes to see me are sort of people at the same age as me in married couples. It used to be just, like, hordes of men used to just show up. Yeah, yeah. So my audience now, and so middle-aged, drunk men as well, you put them down, and they're like this, ah, you got me. You got me. You got me, you got me. You got me.

You're not in the business. We're not in the business. We're not in the business. We want the show to go smoothly. We don't want it to be on going on. What has started happening with me. So my audience base is my age and I never used to have kids in the audience but now there's loads of 14 year olds. Mostly boys. Loads of 14 year old boys because the parents are going, I'll take you, you're bloody watching your fucking TikTok comedians. I'll take you to a bloke. He works blue. He works a bit blue. I show you're real coming. And so I always look at them and I always think back to when I was 13 or 14, I went and saw Paul McCartney in the off the ground tour.

He had a song Hope of Deliverance, which was in the charts. How long ago, Linda's still playing keyboard. So Linda's still playing keyboard and he's up there doing his stuff. He's that way. And so I came back at 14 years of age. I went with my mother wanted to go because she, fair enough. I will, what can I go with my friends?

It's like, well, she grew up with the Beatles. She'd want to see this. Yeah. And so I got back to school and I said to my mates, I said,

I said, it's fucking amazing. I said he was up there for three hours. He sang all the songs. His voice was still spot on. He played two or three different. His piano, bass guitar,

league guitar. And I'm just so happy that I got to see him before he died. I got to see a beetle before he was dead. He's the same age. I am now? Really?

He's 48. And you were like this old guy. It was the same age I am now. Yeah. Right? And I was like, I was like, fucking, it was amazing. Just the mental agility. Yeah.

And so now I look at these 14 year old kids who are coming to see me and I think they're going home to them. It's just like his old bloke saying, saying cunto all over and over. With no respect for anyone around. him. It was amazing. So happy I saw him before he died. Oh, that's scary. Yeah. And I've seen Paul McCartney, obviously, as I said, 35 years ago. Yeah. 35 years ago. And right now, Paul McCartney is 83. Yeah. That's, he was my age. It's crazy. And I thought he was almost dead. I thought this guy He's so close to death.

It's unbelievable. And he's going strong. Okay, we have to gamble. Who do you reckon the last beetle? Who's going to be the last beetle? I think Ringo. Yeah, I would have, you know what? If you asked me five years ago,

I would have said, I would have said Paul. But Ringo seems to have locked into a... I think Shag and Barbara Bark for 40 years keeps you young. He's kind of like a barnacle. It's very... A musical piece of love

when your bloody wife is Barbara Bach. Are you not touring is crazy? He got a, he got a bond girl. He once was at, John Vivardis had a, every time John Vivardis, the clothing brand had,

instead of using models, they always used rock stars. So there was an era with Gene Simmons was the model. And then, you know, Willie Nelson was the model for one season of clothing, right? And one season was Ringo Star, right?

And so it used to be on Melrose, the shop doesn't exist anymore. They had a little car park that had five car spots. Two of the car spots were taken up by a stage. And then people who had shopped at John Vivardis a bit. And because I was on the Jim Jeffery show at the time, and I wore him a little bit, I was on a list of people who could get 20% off or whatever like that. I got invited to a gig of Ringo Stars that was going to be seen by, there was maybe 100 people.

Cheers. Right? And, you know, he's got a few songs. It's amazing, what do you think? He sort of sings like your dad. How did a guy that sat 20 feet away from John Lennon, Ringo, George Harrison and Paul McCartney, not pick up a bitter stagecraft.

And like Barbara Bark was there and she was like, and he came on, do you think that was good? Do you think I did a good show? And anyway, so afterwards, I'm in there. There was a jacket. This jacket was numbered. I've never had a numbered item of. clothing was one in 25 and in that size.

And it was a leather jacket, which at that stage, I only wore leather jackets on stage, and it was, it was silver, right, covered in like silvery, like it was crocodile skin, mock crocodile skin covered in silver, so it looked like a mirable. Oh, geez. Right? It was the most audacious item of clothing you could ever say, $6,000. $6,000 jacket. Right?

$6,000 jacket. I'm there with a friend, I put it on, and I'm like, this is the ugliest. And I love John Mavada stuff, right? But I was like, this is the ugliest fucking jacket. And it had a popped collar. Like I was Elvis, a collar up that was up to my ears. Right? Right.

Popped silver collar with zips at the back and zips and zips and zips and zips. And it was all silver like this, right? And I put it on it and I was like, how fucking ugly is this jacket? And all I hear is, you look fabbing that jacket. Here's my card. I turn and it's Ringo Starr. And he's like, he goes, that would be a great item in your wardrobe. I walked up to the counter and bought it.

Here's my credit card. I can't take it back. It's a $6,000 silver jacket. I can't wear it anyways. Have you ever worn it? I once wore it. You know how Josh Adam Myers does the goddamn comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I once wore it and told that story. I've never told the story on stage before, but I once wore it and actually... How did you feel walking around in it? I just thought, fucking Beatle told me I look good in it. Yeah, that's it. Right?

Yeah, right. But even when I showed up for that rock concert, I couldn't wear it during the stand-up bit. Someone had to bring it out after I told the story because I couldn't wore... I didn't have the... Yeah. I didn't have whatever...

Couldn't own it. You know, yeah, you know how like... Like, the jacket it was wearing me, I wasn't wearing the jacket. And all you're thinking about is the jacket. And I can get away with clothes. I can wear like a bansy scarf or a bandana or something.

I can do things that are a little bit off kilter. I can pop a collar and not look too weird. These things I can get away with. But I couldn't get away with that. I'm fucking prince would have been shy about wearing that jacket. I tried that once. I did behind the candelabra. Oh yeah.

Right. And I'm dressed in all these crazy Liberace kind of clothes. All 70s. All 70s stuff. And Soderberg, director of the movie, is like, you should wear this for your stand-up. This is like, you should, there's something about this clothes and you. You should just wear that all the time. And I was like, you know, you might be onto something.

And I did a special right after it that Rob Zombie directed, dropping a lot of names. And I got clothes from my friend Dave Hill that kind of looked like that. like, what would be, it's a special. What's the last time people had fun in show business? It was the 70s. So we dressed up like the 70s. I did the whole thing. And it was fun for that one special.

And it was kind of, and then I was like, I don't know if I can really keep going with this. And I dressed kind of like that again, went down to the comedy cellar. And I'm like, maybe this is, maybe I can just wear this stuff all the time. I walked into the comedy cellar and everyone just went, what are you doing? Yeah, that was it Because the comedians voice it And the audience thinks it That's it

Right, right So you're like if Yeah And then you're first impression People make up What they think of you Within seconds, right? They reckon

80% of their opinion Is formed like that As soon as they watch you Before you open your fucking mouth That's right And you're like I can't afford Yeah

I can't afford I just went and saw Um Oasis in Wembley Oh yeah Right. The reunion. The reunion sewer.

And Jimmy Carr, good friend of mine. Yeah. You know Jimmy. Yeah. Jimmy knows Noel. So we got really nice seats. I went and saw them twice, actually. The one that I paid for and the one that Jimmy got me, right?

I was on the floor for the one that I was trying to look over people's heads. Yeah. And the next one I'm fucking standing behind Sienna Miller in a booth. Oh, geez. Anyway, so we go backstage and then fucking Noel and Liam and Liam and Liam Gallagher's children. Lennon Gallagher, Gene Gallagher, Noel's twins like this. They're just young men.

Yeah. They all fucking walk down. They all fucking look like fucking rock stars, didn't they? And because of their fucking dad, their long hair, and they were just like, all right,

fucking, we walked out at the lifts and they were like, fucking Jimmy Carlin on how you're fucking doing. Like this, right? And I'm like, these kids haven't, they're not rock stars,

they're deads rock stars. But they could pull it off. Yeah. Right away, I was like, oh, these are rock stars. Right. Rock stars.

Yeah. Okay. Just how they live. I, I, I, I, look, me, I've got the same glasses pretty much as you are. That's the closest I get and that was Buddy Holly in the 1950s. Buddy, Buddy Holly before Elvis, a bloke who died at 22 or something and going, hey, what are you? A bit like Buddy Holly. He was fucking 22, gone.

Yeah, no one will know. Yeah. But I love the, I love the thick glasses coming back in, man, that we all wear thick glass. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. This is Amos Gill who does my podcast, the At This Moment podcast.

If you enjoy watching me, if you're enjoying watching me, that's a good plug. Thank you, Amos. Me and Amos do a podcast together called the At This Moment podcast where you find all good podcasts. I always do these things. I forget to plug anything. I know. And it's like the whole point of... Exactly.

Write it down. Because me and you could be having this chat in an actual restaurant. Right, exactly. That is the beauty. That is the beauty of these things. We would be doing this anyway. What was your worst hair phase? At the moment, I'm in one right now.

Because the mullet's sort of in fashion. And my hairdresser went, we'll leave just a little bit at the back. He goes, that's what everyone's doing. And I think my hair goes down my neck too long. And it's looking, like, I haven't got my hair done at the moment. Now, obviously, over the years, I've clung to holly these teeth. I take tablets and this. and I've had a transplant that didn't really take

and all that type of stuff. But because I had the transplant, they remove all the hair at the back. My hair at the back's thin, so I can't even grow a mullet, right? Like, what am I doing this for? Hitler with a mullet. I meant to be doing an ironic haircut

from the Australia in the 80s and trying to pull it off. And yeah, so this would be right now. So the people don't say that about the transplant, the back of your head gets thin. Right? So any hair that goes from here to here doesn't regrow here.

because they take it out from the route. Oh, right. So once it's gone from here to here, it's gone from back here. So, okay, so I, let's not get into politics. We can talk about it. Donald Trump's head, right? He has gotten hair from the back here and put it on top.

Everyone goes, oh, he has a comb over. He doesn't have a comb over. He doesn't. I've watched it. He has a comb behind. There's a rectangle in the back of his head that will just be scar tissue from all of his hair transplants because all that hair has been moved up to the top. Why, if you're thin on the top,

don't you cut the side shorter to make the top look better? He doesn't. He has those bits that whisp over his ears and then they come back and the back of his head looks like a duck's ass,

doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a comb behind, bro. Oh, he's covering that. He's covering the transplant at the back. The hair on top is the hair on top. He's got a comb behind. What a creature.

Yeah, but as a man has lost his head, You can, look, you can call him a fucking, you can call him a war. You can call him, so many things. So many things. But don't call him Hitler. If you call him Hitler, people get so angry. How dare you call him Hitler? Pierce Morgan said that to me on the Bill Maher show.

I said, and this was during Trump's initial thing, I said, I said, I said, I said, there's, like, I said, there's a Muslim man. He stopped letting people in with green cards who have been loud in here if they're Muslims. I go, you can't start excluding people from being allowed in the country. I go, this is fucking Hitler stuff. And then, and then Pierce did, though. Oh, how, that is so disrespectful to Jewish people. Hitler killed six million, like I've never heard the stat. Right.

Like, oh, what? He goes, Hitler killed six million Jews. I wasn't calling him Hitler at the end of his career. I wasn't calling him Hitler last day in office. Hitler in his prime. Yeah, I'm calling early Hitler. Early Hitler when he's just given a few speeches in beer holes. Going, what about this group?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. What about these guys? But what was the question? Trump's comb over. Yeah, come behind. Yeah, so I find it weird when people tease him for being orange and for having bad hair because that's the least of our problems. Yeah, no kidding.

And as a person who's lost my hair, I will stick up for that man. trying to keep his hair at all costs. He's on TV every fucking day, man. I come on podcasts with hats because I can't be ass doing the magic trick. I can't be asked putting the powder in and whispering it up and then just like holding still. Like I found out I host a show on Fox called The Snake,

which is like a reality game show. And we did it in Argentina in the jungle. And it's fucking muggy. Yeah. Oh, it's some wet air. And my frizzy, fucking thin ass hair wasn't having a good day. And there was just someone standing in the wings every five seconds that came out

put him off lakes and then rushed off to make me look that shit. So I don't begrudge a man who has to be on TV every second of every day trying to make it look like he has hair. There is an argument maybe he should give up the fight and just go the Chrome Dome. Maybe. Maybe. It'd be scarier. Yeah, but he's scary.

The hair sort of humanises him a bit, don't it? Right, exactly. It's a little bit of... A little fluff. No, the hair sort of gives you a whole, the whole like, oh, the poor fella, he's giving it a go. Yeah, he's got a little fur, he's a little fluffy. Are you worried about being mistaken by ice? Ah, this is the thing about ice.

I know some Australians that have overstayed their visas. They haven't been tackled in the street at all. You know what I mean? Like, until the third Hemsworth is arrested. Yeah. That's the thing is when have you seen it's about South Americans and Mexicans.

Right. It's about South Americans and Mexicans and it's not about anybody else. You can argue, you can argue, okay, well maybe we should pay people who clean our houses

and pick our fruit and do all that type of stuff. Maybe we should pay them more money and this is, you know, there are arguments again. I came into this country legally. I don't believe.

in illegal immigration, but I don't believe in fucking getting somebody who's doing a meaningless job, like a meaningless, like a meaningful, a meaningful, right, job. Right, right, right, right. Who is actually like helping out,

like jobs that we don't fucking want. Stop acting. Yeah. Stop acting like, oh, if, if these people had gone, well, I could have a job. Right. I'd be picking strawberries in the sun. I ordered Postmates the,

other day, the guy who delivered the food to me couldn't speak a lick of English, couldn't say hello, just came up and went, food, and he was just sort of looked at me and like that, right? And if that can't have a job, any of us can. Right. So stop acting like, because you don't want to work in a factory making fucking happy meal toys and you fucking know it. We've gotten too comfortable in this country. We don't have the labourers anymore. We're all told that we should all go to university. No one should fucking take up trades and all this type of stuff. And now we're going,

oh, but these people taking work away from fucking who, right? So if I just want to get rid of illegal immigrants and illegal is in the title, illegal people shouldn't be living here, blah, blah, blah, blah. If you want to get rid of somebody who's doing a job at the car wash or something like that, you better have someone waiting in line that says that's the job they want. Yeah. So if you're pulling this cut out, have another person in there right away, and some guy called David.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Because it doesn't seem to be the case, and it seems to be racially motivated as far as I can see, watching on the news and just seeing it in the street. I was in a car wash down here in Sherman Oaks and the fucking, it was shut down for two days because they'd all run off. Really? Right? You just drove in.

They'd all run off. So I haven't seen a Swedish backpacker being dragged along the street by her plaits. Have you? Just a hot blonde girl. I just was working casually. been here for six years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I mean? And those people do exist.

And you know that they're not honest about their intent when you change the reason, right? Part of it is the work. And then they shift it and they're like, no, we're gang members. We're getting gang members and criminals and rapists out of here. We're getting gang members, criminals and rapists. And then I was seeing old ladies. Old ladies. Walking into City Hall to take care of their paperwork.

Yeah, yeah. And it's like, and then we'll kick you out with the idea of bringing you back in. I don't feel like that. Would you trust that if they talk, because it doesn't look like that. And then you've got fucking Dean Kane. Fucking, fucking the worst superman of them all.

Right? Dean Kane, whose grandparents were in a Japanese internment camp, right? Fucking joining ice. Why? Because they get 50 grand sign-up bonus. Right. And it pays really well. I understand why desperate people are doing it. Like joining ice, but I feel like there's so many things.

What that must do to your soul must be terrible, but also just even if you think, oh, well, you know, I'm a person who believes the immigrants should come in the right way, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know you're going to be working alongside some horrible people. Oh, yeah. Even if some of them are people there with the best intentions. I'm not saying that all ICE agents are terrible people because there's nuance to things. Sure.

And you work for, you know, I have relatives who are police officers. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, of course. So I don't want to, there'll be people listening to this podcast who have relatives who work for ICE who they love, who they, you know. But there are some cunts in that job. There's going to be some weird conversations in the van. There's going to be some fucking cuss in that job. There's going to be some people that are going to drop some slurs in that van as you're going along, let's catch ourselves and whatever's all day.

Yeah. All day. So my opinion on that is. How did we get to this? Well, I'm worried about your status. Can I join? I just get a real good sorting bonus. We got a good one.

Yeah, no, I, okay, so the mother of my first child is, I was going to go, was, is Canadian. And she, so when my son was born, she got sworn in. And you go down to a big warehouse downtown and you stand in there. you read off a screen. Blah blah, blah, blah, blah. Some people are holding Bibles. Some people are having whatever.

And they go, congratulations. You are now in America. Like, there's always a judge up there on the screen. And then they play the fucking, they play, they just show you a video of an eagle flying with like a font of a flag of like a soft fade. Yeah. And then so I'm proud to be an American because at least dumb motherfucking free. right and you're standing there and I was like and then and then I when she was there I was there with her I was holding our baby and then Obama was in at that stage and Obama goes he goes welcome to the country yeah the wonderful place and we're happy to have you here and I can't do that in personation but you get yeah it's pretty enough he does he does the whole thing when I got sworn in Trump was in his head comes up on the screen I'm in a warehouse of Mexicans a warehouse of them right There's 3,000 of us.

Wow. All being sworn in. This is our big day. Wow. And then he goes, he goes, it's a wonderful country. It's a great country. He goes, make sure you assimilate. Like he was like barking orders at us through the screen with his video.

His video wasn't, congratulations, welcome. You are now an American. And this is what he's going on. Come in here legally. Do it properly. Try to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we're all about immigration, but just done the right way. Well, I was there doing it the right way, and he still gave us a fucking lecture.

He still gave us a little fucking little digs. And what is assimilation? Couldn't essentially what is it, right? Because I don't know if there's anyone, I've fully assimilated into being American into the sense that I'm a baseball-loving, thanksgiving, having fucking fourth of July celebrating fucking dude. Right. Yeah. But I still eat vegamide every.

fucking day. Right? I still think our bread's fucking better than your bread. Yeah. Yeah. And our prawns are better. So this doesn't mean that I haven't assimilated. It just means that there's things from your childhood that you never lose, that you never, whatever. There's customs that will always be with you. Which is the thing that's always made this country great. Yeah. And so it's, so, yeah. So like, the thing is to mix in. Yeah. But there's nothing wrong with keeping a bit of your old self. Right. Exactly. There's nothing, There's nothing too weird about that. I'm a proud American and a proud Australian

and I consider myself to be both. And I know that American doesn't like you to consider yourself being both. Once you get one that you can't be the other. But I've always said this. I always felt like an Australian who identified as a British person. Because I moved to England when I was 21. And I've been putting sunscreen on every fucking day

for 21 years. Topping it up at lunch. Every fucking day. And I still got called Casper at school And then burning Because I burnt all the time And all this type of stuff I got teased and teased and teased

My brother's had a skin My father's in hospital right now With a skin cancer Getting a skin graft from a skin cancer being cut out Oh jeez There's skin cancer everywhere in Australia And then I moved to England And I was a beer drinking guy

Who liked to stay indoors And it was always raining And I was just This place is wonderful You know what I mean And I was like I sort of I got into the soccer

A football as it should be called and lots of stuff. And so I identify, and I listen to Oasis and blur and all that era of music and I think. And so I'm an Australian who identified as a British, but they never gave me a fucking passport. They never gave me. And now I consider myself an Australian American

about another weird thing. I know you haven't asked a question in 20 minutes. Another weird thing about Americans that I'll never quite understand is America's. You were not yet yet yet you've been braced in course

of recrace and you're in trying to negotiate and you're doing that you're doing to know

to renewing with this instinct with without operation gratis no amount minimum and

no free month and you're made for negotiate and the TD is there

for you are the greatest country on earth you should be proud to be American

America America America America America America America and then they're always like this

I'm Irish yeah I'm Italian you all are obsessed with your heritage and where you came from. My son, my sons aren't, my sons are American. They've got Australian passports. But I'd find it weird if they went, I'm an Australian American.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. But everyone's an Asian American, an Irish American, an Italian American, and blah, blah, blah. That doesn't happen in other countries. Right. And so, so, so for a country that is the most patriotic place on earth, by and while, the most patriotic place in earth, where if you tease the country, there's people who get violently angry about it. Right? And then everyone wants to go back to, and people are even claiming shit that isn't, I'm a German-American.

You're proud? Yeah. You're over the moon, are you? Right? And the weird thing about the Irish, I'm Irish, I'm Irish, I'm Irish, I'm Irish. I think most of them are English. I think there's white people claim to be Irish.

Yeah, nobody knows. Yeah, my name's. McDaniel. Yeah. Then that's Scottish. And no one's checking. O'Donnell. O'Donnell is Irish.

You're scoff. Because I think coming from being an English American, which I've heard no one ever say. Yeah. I've never heard anyone say, I'm an English American. They only say Irish or Scottish. Right. I don't, for whatever reason, England, because you beat them in the Revolutionary War. The original.

And they're the ones you had to push out. That's the one one that you guys don't want to claim. Yeah. I bet most white cunts in this country are English America. Yeah, could raise it back. I mean, I'm not Irish. I mean, my real second name's Irish, like Nugent. My real last name's Nugent.

That's Irish. But we did it like a 23M. Whatever. I came back like 35% Irish, 55% English and then a little bit of junk around the UK. But as pale, they should have sent me like an ABRA album. and just gone, this is you, dude. As way as it gets. Listen to that in John Denver, mate.

Enjoy yourself. All right, last question. Do you have in your mind what an 80-year-old version of Jim Jeffries was going to be? I always, I even say this on podcasts and stuff. I always threaten to retire all the time. Every time I get depressed, if I'm going through about a depression, I'm just like, it would all be better if I just sort of went away. and then I could just because I am sort of happiest, in my happiest moments,

my happiest time in my life is just at home with my kids watching TV. That's my happy place. Just my kids, me and my wife watching TV. And I wish I could do that pretty much all 24 hours a day. And that is what my mother did. My mother decided at the age of 40 to not get out of a chair and just to watch TV. And I remember thinking of myself, what a waste of life. this person just wasting away.

And then as years have passed, I start to think, I think she nailed it. I think it, I really, okay, so at 80 I'd like to be consuming as much television as possible. Nice. Like stupid amounts. I was consuming TV for 12 hours a day when I had four channels growing up in Australia. Right. I was watching what was ever on. I love TV.

So I would like to watch as much TV as possible at 80. I had kids too old and people are having children older. I think I would probably, that's when I'd start buddy being a grandfather, maybe. Some grandkids hanging around. Guys don't really do it before 35 anymore, really for the most part. Yeah. At least in this town they don't. Unless there's...

I was thinking about this the other day. I had someone... Well, I was thinking about it. Someone actually said this point to me in passing that... Why isn't it when boys are born, why don't we just give everyone vasectomies? Why don't we? Yeah, no more. We're cutting off the tip of dicks anyway, some of them.

Just give everyone a vasectomy. Everyone gets a vasectomy. And then when you're of age, right, when you decide, and no one can ever stop you from procreating. No one can ever say you can't have a baby if you're right. But you have to go into the hospital and go, I've decided to reverse that, please. right we wouldn't have any teen pregnancies

and we'll have anything and then someone sits down with you and counts as you and goes do you know how hard it is to raise children do you know the responsibility do you know how much money you need we're just checking in with you yeah okay

all right and then you can have it reversed and then you walk out with a loaded gun right born with blanks there'd be 10 people born no year yeah yeah that's the problem is who would be wiping our asses

the nursing homes right okay so So where am I in 80? I don't know if I would have the opportunity to do stand-up comedy in a local environment where, you know, let's say I'm still living here in L.A. or living somewhere in Australia or wherever I'm living in the world, if I can get out of my house and go up the road and do stand-up comedy,

I would do it every day. I would do it every single day. It is such a joy. What a wonderful thing it's given me in my life. This little, you know, I'd like to say gift, but this thing that I've worked hard. at to get good at so I can, you know, instant response and gratification and also social stuff where I always loved about Santa up that, me and you don't chat to each other, but look how

well we've gotten along. And I'm always happy to see you when I get backstage. And there's people with stand-up comedy, I always get a little bit offended that we always get called bigots and racists and homophobes and all the time. We are the most diverse workplace you will ever see. Yeah, no kidding. You will ever see. You will be in a dressing room with a dwarf, a trans person,

any different race you want to know. And no one's even thinking about it. No one's even thinking about it. I've travelled the world with the most motley crew of people where you're like, how did these cunts get to nature? Different age groups, different everything. And for the most part, there's a camaraderie and a thing. There's assholes like in any workplace.

There's asshole. But for the most part, all sort of getting along. So if I could go down to a comedy club and the thing, but I don't see myself doing European tours. You're not killing yourself on the road. John Cleese does it in his 80s. John Cleese goes around and does an evening with John Cleese and he sits there in a chair and they ask him questions.

Anyone got any questions about life of Brian? You know what I mean? So he does it, but I don't think I would want to do that. I'd like to be a granddad. So in my living my best life, my wife's been dead for about 10 years. No, no. To live in my best life.

Me and the wife are sitting back watching telly. The grandkids come over once a week, once every two weeks, whatever, if they live close. Hopefully the family's together for Christmas, and I can wander up and go do the comedy store and do 10 minutes, and people give me a little bit of respect and pity on stage. Nice. People go, he's been around for a while.

I'll go, I'll tell you what else is fucking wrong. We didn't all have airplanes. Not all of us had them. They were very rare for a person to have him. That sounds pretty perfect. Yeah, so where do you see yourself? The same. I don't see myself stopping work.

Like I see the same thing. Family is a huge part. And you probably won't go. Yeah, you probably start touring nursing home. doing your thing. I would like to keep writing books. I think writing is a cool outlet that you can kind of just do in your own time and your own little whatever little hobbit hole you've created as an old person,

have your coffee and write and to be able to go out and do stand up a little bit. I would be nice. I would happily do one acting job a year in retirement. Yeah, that would be nice. Not a lot. Just, wait, for three weeks, I've got to go off and do a sitcom where I play The Angry Blah Blah Blah Blah. Some young comic has a sitcom and I can be the bloke that comes to.

Right, exactly. Whatever Don Johnson's doing. Yeah. Yeah. He seems to appear in a sitcom every now and again. It just shows up. It just that nice level. I have no will to direct anything or anything like that.

But also, when do you turn your brain off? When do you stop thinking of stand-up jokes? Because I don't sit down. are right. They just come to you. I know. I don't think it turns off. I think because when I don't perform, if I have for some reason like a two-week thing, if you're working or you're with your family and you don't, I find myself getting weird, like getting a little bottled up, a little cranky, and it's because the thoughts don't stop and you're not able to get, and you're not getting them out. You know what I mean? I don't think we can stop that. Yeah. I don't. Well, this was

fantastic and your specials killer. Oh, thank you. Another one. Thank you. Another one. And I have to say, Jim, when I watch you, I'm always really, really impressed. Oh, thank you. You have a, you have, there's not a single special that you do.

There's very little that you say on stage that isn't a new thought on the world. And that's really, and that's a, that's a, that's not an easy thing to conjure. up. Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Yeah, fantastic. Thanks, fine. All right, we got it, kids.