Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 318 - Paul Morrissey

Episode Date: April 16, 2026

Surprise! Happy Thursday. We welcome OG Bread Breaker Paul Morrissey back to the pod. He and Tom talk about early iterations of Breaking Bread, touring together, and Paul's cooking mishaps. Enjoy! Our thanks to: Butcher Box! As an exclusive offer, new listeners can get their choice between chicken breast or top sirloin for a year OR ground beef for life, PLUS $20 off when you go to ⁠ButcherBox.com/papa⁠ Monarch! Start your free trial and get 50% off your first year of total mo ney clarity using link ⁠www.monarch.com/papa⁠ or code PAPA IQ Bar! Text PAPA to 64000 to get 20% off all IQBAR products, plus FREE shipping. Message and data rates may apply. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And he's in love. That part's weird. It's weird that I'm saying it, and it's weird that if in five years you watch this and they're no longer in love. I think they might make it, though. I've never seen him like this. He's got a great special called No Soup for This Soul. It might be under some other headline, other title, depending what YouTube does with it. But very funny.

This is a great insight into my touring life. and the food, mainly the food that we have eaten out there. Fun fact about Paul, he's never eaten an egg. He's never eaten an egg. If you're a listener of mine for a long time, you'll recognize Paul as in the early version of this podcast, a whole different podcast really, called Come to Papa, and Paul and I would hang out at times.

And great guy, great interview. Enjoy Paul Morrissey. It's breaking bread. This feels like a real TV show. Or is this your kitchen? We're at my restaurant. Okay. Is this your first time in the booth?

I think so, yeah. It is. Oh, interesting. For our listeners, Paul and I have known each other for 200 years. And he was part of the original version of my podcast, which wasn't breaking bread. It was just come to Papa.

Come to Papa. And Paul and I would just sit in my office. Yeah, I would come over on an afternoon where you were catching up after writing a book and you would be like, hey, do you want to do a podcast? And we would sit in there and do it. And yeah, we had, Burke Kreischer came over once. That was our only guest.

He came in and told us we were doing everything. wrong. He came off a flight. He was drunk. Well, yeah, he wasn't drunk enough because I remember he came in because I think the guy that he had a driver from the airport pulled right into your thing and then had like a duffel bag. Oh, yeah. And then I've known him forever too. And he was just like, hey, Paul, grab two of those airline bottles of Jack Daniels out of that pocket. And I thought he was joking. Yeah. And then there were like five of them in there.

Yeah, he took a whole bunch of alcohol from the plane. Into the, into the big gulp. He had a big gulp. That's right. And then he poured him into a big gulp. And then he's like, all right, I'm ready. So a long time ago. So we decided just to do it on our own after that.

Yeah. He told us how to use the equipment and then he took off. That was before his was really that big. Yeah. It was, that was a long time ago. But good to have you here. I know that this is all a long con. This was just a way for you to get bread because you and your girlfriend have been clamoring for bread.

You could have just asked. You didn't have to go record a new stand-up special, get it released, book yourself on this. It's the long game. I would have just given you bread. Well, I always feel bad because I know how hard you work at it. And it's like, you only make, what's the most you can make? Two a week? Two at a time.

I'm going to take your picture with the bread because this might be the most perfect bread we've had on the podcast. Oh, wow. It's a beauty. Look at that. She's going to be excited. It's really good. We went to, well, that was a little blurry, but it was Halloween.

That was like right after my surgery. Oh, yeah. So I had, I just started like kind of walking a little bit and then, and then you had your Halloween party. Paul got a new hip. Yeah. It's new. Not a new hip.

They just went in and scraped out the extra pieces of it. Yeah, it's metal somewhere. Like, I can't go through the TSA pre anymore. You can't? Oh, I didn't know they added stuff to you. I thought they just took stuff out. Yeah. There's a comedian Chris Fairbanks.

and he was like kind of a really like high level skateboarder and snowboarder. And he, when I first found out that that was the problem, he told me that he got it done. Because usually like you hear about it and you're like, oh yeah, you need to get it done when you're almost dead. And then it'll last 10 years. Right. But now it's like people get them super early. Like I know. Get what?

What is it? Just like that your hip socket. It's basically like any time your hip moves, there's so much like it's just bone on bone. Why? What should there be? There should be cartilage there. It should be a little cushiony. A little cushiony.

A little cushion, some blood and stuff. Yeah. And then you wear that down after years and years of your case basketball. And then so the cartilage is gone. So now it's just you're walking around and it's your hip bone into your bone socket. and it's just causing pain. Yeah. And then they replaced the socket and the top part.

And then it's like... So what's the metal, the socket? I think both. How's this not a hip replacement? It pretty much is. I mean, it's... Oh! They used to call it, um...

They had like a fancy name for it, but, um... Hip-replasement? No, I mean, there was a guy, Isaiah Thomas, who like, continued to play in the NBA. Bo Jackson got it done. Remember, you just played baseball after you got it done. So there was like a hybrid part of it. And then now the technology is so good that you can just like, I have,

I have no limitations. Like I can do anything I want. What couldn't you do before? What do you mean limitations? I mean, I think if you talked to like the old timers, like you couldn't cross your legs, you couldn't ride a bike or do anything raising or side to side. So you're just hobbling around? I think you're hoping that like your hip doesn't get like dislodged or something.

You're not doing what Andy Richter's doing and dancing with the stars. Yeah. Didn't he get his done? Is that, I think he got some, I think he got his knee done. Oh, okay.

I think it was a knee. But it was, you know, you toured, we toured together for years and it was just, I think I remember when we first started touring, you had like a back or neck thing. And then I was always just having.

this like kind of hamstring like they always say you know sciatic all that stuff and then it was one of those things where you know I did yoga lost weight did all the stuff to help with the sciatica part and it just wasn't getting better and it was just all like when I'm driving when you're sitting even when I was running and stuff it was just always this kind of like lingering like shooting pain and I just got used to it right and and then I that's also the same thing when you realize like oh why am i i can't i mean i couldn't lay flat because even flat would be like anytime you moved you couldn't sleep and so yeah the surgeon was just amazing and and uh he wanted me to do it right away it was like last august yeah and then i'm like i'm booked for like

the next six months man like i can't do it so i did block out like a whole month which when we talked about you were you were like even the surgery part he's like so you're going to take a month off that sounds like a dream even if you had to go to the hospital yeah so then then you uh showed up at my Halloween party dressed as hunter S thompson yeah uh who was always on drugs and you were on drugs for sure and you had a and you had a walker with you and uh everyone thought it was just part of the coster right you were just keeping yourself up all high on pain meds well it's funny i because It was my very first hospital anything.

So I was just terrified of like spending in the night and you see all those TV shows. Yeah, when you get like a fungus that they can't cure. I was thinking more like a bad roommate who was just moaning all night or something. Yeah. The morning I got done like, I don't know, 11. So I come out and then you're just down one of those drips. And you're just, the only thing you can do is just watch TV. and so it was the Dodgers World Series game that went like 19 innings.

Yeah. So I fell asleep for like five hours and I wake up and like the game's still going. I'm just like. That was amazing. That went on forever. Oh man, these drugs are great. When you were on the drugs were you like, oh, I see why people get hooked on this? I'm trying to think it does. I mean, I took like maybe, I mean, my girlfriend who was an angel. She, I mean, she really, like, I mean, I'm sure the first few days you're just, like, talking nonsense. She says I'm really funny on drugs. But it was, yeah, it does. I took, like, two videos of, like, hey, maybe I should put an update or something to stay.

And then I was kind of shy about telling people about it because it's like, I don't know if it would be a stigma or, like, you know, something for work. Like, oh, he can't. can't, I don't know, like not being on drugs? No, getting an operation or getting, not somebody being worried about you being able to work or something afterwards. And even I was like, I think we had, we had that show a month afterwards in Phoenix. That was like a big show that I was looking forward to. It was like the celebrity theater in the round.

Yeah, it's a great theater. And I was like walking around. Like we even did, got on the scooter during the day and like walked around and stuff. So that was like a big. thing. So thank you for letting me. Yeah. That was like a good target to get ready for. That was a good one. But wait, you skipped over the funny part of the end of that Halloween party when you were all wasted. And then I think you maybe had a cocktail too. And then watching you try and get down the stairs. Oh, yeah. With your walker. And everybody thought you were doing a

Halloween bit. But everybody was... Well, that was the thing is we didn't... I guess, I don't know if we told people so i i was like sitting down and then when i stood up i was just staying in one place so everyone was coming to talk to me like your wife is coming over it's a good party addition and then when i finally like was leaving to get a walker and they're like what was that part of the costume i was like no what was the expression they were using when you're on your way out oh well your it was it your niece that's a therapist yeah physical therapist yeah so this seems like a very I mean, Danielle is here, but we have, like, uh... What's wrong with Danielle?

Well, no, I was going to say, like, this seems like a very dated expression, but even your, uh, physical therapist niece said that's like, because she's from the south or something, so he's still using it. So it's like when you go down the stairs, like, with a cane or a walker, when you go up the store that said, good girls go to heaven, which means... You lead with your good foot. With your good foot. Your good leg. Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go to hell. So when you go down the stairs, you use your bad leg first.

Right. So that's what you have to remember. Right. And we couldn't remember it while you were on the stairs. Everyone was shouting the wrong thing and watching you tumble down. Why would bad girls go to hell? They're fun. We like bad girls.

Both legs. but yeah so i don't think i've i missed the Halloween in how many years that seems to be like our big holiday besides birthdays yeah paul comes to all of my uh my my big yearly events which are Halloween which is a big blowout that's when we make the chili which does get weirder now that like your kids are grown up it just seems like we're weird well i thought it was gonna yeah i thought it was going to peter out and my kids aren't around we celebrate how we're grownups. Yeah, all the grownups are like, come on. Are you making chili? What's going on? I think it's gotten bigger since the kids left. I think so, too. The adults get wilder.

Yeah. And then you bring in young people. This new cruise will be there next year. Oh, nice. And yeah, it's, and then Paul comes to Thanksgiving. Yep, Thanksgiving. I don't think you've ever been a Christmas Eve, have you? No. You were on our Christmas card one year. One year, we did a Christmas card thing when we we all were in our sweaters holding the animals and we just put Paul in it and sent it out and didn't explain who he was and people we just did we didn't just say happy holidays from the papas and people were like you know no one wants to be rude and ask like did we forget do they have an older son was that from another marriage he 23 and made and found he had a kid somewhere it was really funny you should do the next one we should do like

an update where you like you come back. They're like, oh, maybe they stop fighting. Do you say Rob Zami? Thought you adopted somebody? Yeah, you thought we adopted a kid. I still have that in my refrigerator. You do? Yeah, yeah.

It's too funny. Your new special's out. Let's tell people about the special right off the bat. Yeah, specials on YouTube. I filmed it. Yeah, it's like a year and a half old now. So it's not old old stuff, but yeah. It's a year and a half old.

Yeah. I thought it just came out. It just came out. But I mean, I filmed it. Oh, you filmed it a year and a half ago? Like the end of 24. It's called no soup for the soul. Yeah, but YouTube, they do all that stuff with metrics and they call it like gym membership or a scam or something.

I don't know. What? I have no idea. I'm not in charge of the marketing. Wait, the name of your special is not on your special? I don't think so. the link will be there i think that the um just search paul morrissey on yeah it says full special who put it out it's dry bar which they do get a lot of like my last

one with them is like a million views and then this one yeah and they did the same thing to be honest with you i think the last one i called a real humdinger uh-huh and their thing was uh mathematicians belong at Hogwarts, which I don't even know. It's a pretty good title. It's like one line in the special. So whatever it does, it gets, I think it's been out a month and it's got 80,000 views. Nice. Yeah.

That's a good start. Yeah. So I'm happy with it. Oh, very good. And it looks good. So are you going to be retiring some of the material that you have out on tour? Yeah, yeah. What jokes are going to go?

Well, we've got like a bunch of new stuff that I've been working on. And then the special was like there was a weird, not a weird group, but like, you know, when you get like a bunch of different people and you start like connecting the dots. And so it was like a weird, like there's people who met on like this Mormon dating app. And then there was like a kindergarten yoga teacher. And it was just a bunch of like interesting enough people that I kind of like tied them into it. So the special wasn't even like burning a ton of material. Oh, you mean crowd work? Well, but I did have jokes about yoga and all that stuff.

So like it did lead into stuff, but it was just like a weird kind of like a magical night of like, oh, people would think this was set up. Oh, I see. I see. Like I did something about a librarian. And then there was a lady who was a librarian. I was like, when did you start? And she's like two years ago. I was like, who starts?

I don't even know. No, they're still librarians. That seems like the easiest job ever. So people just yell out and then you... Oh, no, I was like intimate enough, like... Where'd you tape it? In Utah, Provo, they have like a studio that they do a lot of this stuff. Oh, right, where Dry Bar does it.

Yeah, so sometimes it's like all college kids and then sometimes it's like just adults and then sometimes it's a bunch of random people together. Oh, that's good. Drybar was really successful. They put a lot... Wasn't that where Leon Morgan's first month popped off? Brad Upton also got like 80 million views or something. And you have to be clean on dry bar. Yeah, that's the other thing.

Right. Not to, like, it's still funny. Oh, it's still filthy. Funny. I mean, funny, but filthy. But it's like... But all innuendo. Yeah.

No, it is mostly food. It is a lot of food. So why is your girlfriend? Paul is a new girlfriend, by the way. New? How long? I don't know. Two years?

Well, it's funny because, no, no. Four years. No, we literally talked about it. Because the other thing that you didn't mention is that I think Tom's only friends with me because I have the same birthday as his wife, so he'll never forget. Well, we try. It's not that we don't forget. It's that we can't shake you.

Because it's always like, oh, it's the birthday. We should call him again. But, yeah. We had a good night at Dan Tanas. Yeah, so that was, I think I had, I went out with her the day before that. A year, that's a year and a half ago. Not last August. Yeah, yeah.

This August? Really? I thought there was two ago. No. No, that was like just just this year. Yeah, you're working too hard, man. I am working too hard. It's the craziest tour schedule ever.

I used to think that I was nuts. Like when I was, because you talked to me, I'm like going to Australia and all this kind of stuff. Yeah. And then you're the one that's been gone for like a month or something. I have been doing a lot. Danielle, when you look at the calendar, do you think, well, he's busy or do you think he's a little lazy? Oh, I think you're busy. Yeah?

Yeah. It is? It's a challenge to get a hold of me. Depends. Depends on the day. It depends what you're asking, really. I was really proud that you took, didn't you take like almost a month off or no? I did a, I took from Christmas a little before Christmas to the end of January off. Yeah.

I'm going to do that again next year. That was really nice. Who needs to be traveling then anyway? Yeah, you did. You did. I remember the first weekend we did back was that show in Tacoma, Washington. in this beautiful theater. And it was like your first one back.

Yeah, that was nice. And it was like you were really excited. I could tell like you had this kind of like. Yeah, let's go. I know exactly. But it's not really the stand-up. It's not really the tour. It's the other stuff around it that it starts to, you know,

like if I'm hosting stuff or writing stuff or doing all those other things, it's all those extra projects that fill in that start to make it. And also the radio shows and this. And, you know, it's all that kind of like building up stuff, I think, is the thing that makes it my brain forget when I met your girlfriend. Well, I mean, I think just doing. But wait, you brought her to Anaheim when we performed at Anaheim. That was like the next week. Oh.

That was like the first time you met her and her friend. And then. So it's been less than a year. Yeah, yeah. why does it seem so much longer? Maybe because you won't stop talking about her. No, he kept, what was it you're doing? I wanted to find out.

In the green room, he kept asking. He was very evasive when he talks about his ladies. Well, chat, GPT, he was asking, has Paul said he loves his girlfriend yet? I had to ask chat GPT because you wouldn't talk to me. I'm going to ask you right now. I'm going to ask him right now. You probably have it in your log. Yeah, I probably do.

Oh, yeah, that's a good, yeah, let me, I'm going to do a quick search. Because it keeps all your information. That's why they're going to replace you with it. They won't even need you. They'll just have the Tom hologram. Hey, are you there? I'm right here. Hey, remember when I was talking about my buddy Paul and that girl

and I was trying to figure out whether he loved her? I do remember you were wondering if he was really, into her. Did something new happen? Or are you still trying to get a read on the situation? No, listen to this. I found out that his girlfriend told me that he said, I love you first when they were out on the street, and it really surprised her. Oh, that's a big step. It sounds like Paul might be all in. How do you think she's feeling about it now that the surprise has settled? I think she's, I think she liked it and might have even said it back. That sounds like that. a pretty sweet moment for them.

If she's feeling good about it, too, it sounds like they're on a nice path. I guess you'll be hearing more cute stories from them. Yeah, maybe on my podcast. This guy is such a gossip. You should have asked, is she only in it for the bread? Yeah.

So now she's really into the bread because her father's a great chef. Yeah, they're from, because she's part Creole. Creole, Kong, Kong. And Puerto Rican. So there's like the two cuisines. Baboni.

Yeah, that are especially, that's what I was telling her is like our, a lot of our tours, the best days have been like the off days at these like really good dinners. Like I was just thinking about today like we got stranded in New Orleans. Yeah. So we went to like your favorite. Why did we get stranded there? Delta shut down. That was their big, what was that, crowd torch or something like that?

Oh, um, crowd strike? Yeah. So we got, remember, we were performing at that theater. And while I was on stage, they said all flights have been canceled. Right. Was that just Delta or was that a cross? It was just Delta. And we drove from like.

They canceled all flights. Yeah. And we weren't, there wasn't the next flight. It was one of those things we were like, oh, we, we booked you from. for next Monday. Yeah, great news. Great news. We rebooked you a week from now.

And so I didn't tell you, I didn't want to throw you off because I knew you'd think about it. So I let you do your set first. But I did tell you like as soon as you got off stage. You're not going home tomorrow. Yeah. Which was really pretty great

because we're staying in a nice hotel. We were in New Orleans. And we couldn't, it was out of our hands. Well, that was the best part about, like, Tom being, like, a food person. So, like, it wasn't even, like, he got the, I think he got the reservation for the, because you always had, you had, like, the restaurant already picked, right? Yes. Brennan's.

Yeah. It's like an old, an old school standby. So you're like, all right, the reservation for this is tougher than the plane thing, right? So I'll do that first. And then. Yeah. And then you did hook up the. the plane thing, but we had like an extra day.

So we just like... Yeah. So you set the dinner for the next night. And then that night we went to another... It was that place that your dad went to when he first... Oh, the oyster house? Oyster Rockefeller place. Yeah.

That was a weird experience, though. Yeah. Because it was like... Probably when my father went, which was probably 40 years ago, it was probably like, you know, pretty great place. And now it's like on Bourbon's... street and, you know, very touristy, of course. And, but still had, like, good people there. And it was like, and we were there late because we went after the show. Yeah. And so it was like,

it was noisy and whatever, but we're like, oh, it'll still be fun. It'll be cool. You were excited about like oysters. There was like something you really wanted to get. Yeah. And I was like, all right, I'm going to get oysters and we'll have a beer and we'll, you know, figure out this flight home thing. And Paul, uh, Paul. got all his food and the guy came out and said that, yeah, I wasn't getting mine. I was like, what? What do you mean? We ordered and you got to do your part.

And they're like, yeah, no. It was like the craziest thing. It was so weird. They weren't sorry. They weren't, they just said you're not getting it. And then Tom was like super calm and he was just like, so the kitchen's closed. and he's like, yeah. And I was like, why would you close the kitchen?

Like, if you didn't put in the... After you made Paul's food. Yeah. And so, and it was, yeah, it was super strange. And then I think I actually did talk to, like, the door guy. And I was like, hey, we just did the show at the theater. We tried to use our celebrity. Well, I was like, I got my food in town, like...

He's the headliner. Yeah, they just said that he can't, uh... He's not allowed to eat. And then they just, did kind of like rally together and be like, oh, this is cool that you guys came here and then they made his food. One guy was like, yeah, okay, maybe we are important. Yeah. And I think they brought me like a bag of fries or something. Oh yeah, that's right. They did try to get you something like roll. Like it was just like something in the back. Like,

well, do you get you something? Yeah, we can give them a salad. And then finally like a manager was like, fire up the kitchen. Get him. It was the weirdest thing. They were just like, yeah, it was they're like, can we give you anything else? He's like, yeah, my food. And like, no, you're not getting yours. Well, what did I do? That was the greatest thing. I've never seen a restaurant,

just bring one person's food and say. Yeah. And not like I'm sorry and we had a problem. Just they waited for me to ask. It wasn't even like, do you guys want to split this? Because you're not getting food. It was so weird. It was just enjoy and tough luck.

That was really strange. And then on the way home, we stopped in a t-shirt place. And it was an Asian guy who had run the place forever. And I just felt, we were just talking to him. And we had a couple drinks. And I'm like, I'm going to buy it. We got to buy something from him. He's going through something.

Yeah, he's going through. Right? There was something going on with him. There was some sob story. Yeah. And I was like, I don't care if we're getting played. let's just buy his shirt. Yeah.

And I bought a Johnny Cash, the one where he's given the finger. You know, that famous picture where he's given the finger. And, oh, I actually needed clothes because we were, because we got canceled. They had no other clothes. Right. And so I bought that and I was like, oh, wear that. And then when I woke up the next morning and put it on, I'm like, I'm not walking through an airport with someone giving the finger on my chest.

So I put a jacket over and zipped it up. but you but you picked the other one for me and it was it was it was the uh scar face but it was like a dog it was like the what's the little uh chihuahua and it says say hello to my little friend just the dumb troy shirt and then you're like how come you're not wearing your shirt i was like I didn't run out. I didn't want this thing, you know. Where's your shirt, man? Yeah, but we had a good meal at Brennan's.

That was good. And we had a really good bottle of wine. Well, remember, I tried the soft blue soft shell crab. Right. You never had soft shell crabs before. That was like news to your whole family. So weird. I picked all these openers who don't eat.

Who've never eaten stuff. Like, Stephen Rogers, I gave him his first shrimp. he never had a shrimp he never had oysters uh well i did have think martini i did d'i fiori gigantic andy fiori uh we go down to ocean city mary we're gonna eat crab they're they know we're coming they're open the restaurant they're gonna they put set aside all these crabs for us he's like i don't eat crabs i'm standing in front of a mountain of crabs my manager and i and we just had to eat all the crabs ourselves because Andy had like a grilled cheese.

Paul has never eaten an egg before. An egg. Or coffee. That's the big... An egg or coffee. He's never had either. He's had eggs like in like baked goods or whatever, but he's never eaten an egg.

Freaks. How do I find all these freaks? And that's how Tom used to introduce me. What? You're not going to like this, but I'm also... I've had scrambled eggs when I was a little kid, but not really since. And coffee,

I drink Celsius because I don't like the taste. Oh, my God. I was wondering why you weren't surprised. Every time I say he doesn't have an egg, everyone's like,

holy shit. You were just like, yeah, I get it. Oh my God. See? Danielle, do you eat eggs? You love, thank God,

a normal human being. That's how I used to introduce me at, like, diners is like, this Paul, he's never eating an egg. Before they even, like, serve us.

It's a great party conversation. People are like, what? What do you mean? We had this great dinner in Cincinnati. We went to Jeff Rubies. It was like the big steakhouse. That was a good one. And then Vegas, the last time we did Vegas, we went to like three or four of those like cool restaurants.

That's like all the fun is like that extra day. We had a big meal. Yeah. We should do this every time. Like there's no time to do that. I can't. I know. It's a big thing.

And I talk about this with Gaffer. all the time. He always loves going out to the steakhouse after the show and you go out and you're eating, but you're eating a giant steak and drinking booze at 11 o'clock at night. And you've got to get up at six the next morning. Like it's going to wreck you for a while. Yeah. But I kind of feel like that's just life, right? Like when you're knocking, when you're listing these things off, it's like all those meals are memorable and great. Yeah. But you don't remember how you were dragging ass the next day. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right.

So just suck it up and do it. Yeah. Right. I mean, yeah, usually it's because we're so work focused that's like if we do have like an afternoon off, it's like, okay, let's plan. We'll go to this bakery or we'll find this. Yeah. Like that one.

Well, it's always about preserving the show. It's like, all right, if we go out tonight and tomorrow the whole day is trying to get back to normal so I can do a good show that night. Yeah. You know, where it's like, if I, go to bed i'm gonna be in good shape and probably doesn't matter when you do the show it probably comes out the same well i mean you you're so busy and but it is fun for me to like work with because usually like if you're doing clubs or doing international stuff i'm by myself so like to work with you is like

working with you know you work with your friend so then you get to like share this whole experience even if it's like bad travel stuff so that's like one of the really fun things is remember i always remember this show that we did with Colin Quinn in Indiana. Remember? They had like you two and then you're like, hey, do you want to do this one with us? And it was like the middle of nowhere in Indiana. And so we all flew in like a day early.

Right. So then we got like all these like credits for a steakhouse. So like a whole, we had a whole day of just walking around talking comedy, you know, and then had this like big steak. And then the show was actually like horrible. Like it was... There was no one there. It was this weird casino in the middle of nowhere

and there was no one there. And now a word from our sponsors. Like really young couples hold hands because they're still trying to get a little action, you know? And then really old couples hold hands so they don't fall down. So either way... Either way it's kind of adorable, right?

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headlining sets. So I had to do like almost an hour. And then he had to go on after me. Right. And then do the same amount of time. And he did not enjoy it. Yeah, yeah. I think he was workshopping towards the end. In a big cavernous casino. Oh, brutal. But, I mean, the day before it was, like, really fun. We found out, like, his brother played college basketball where I did in Binghamton and, you know, just talked a bunch of comedy. And those are the fun days for me.

Does your girlfriend cook Asian food? Well, her, her, she does cook, but so far it's just been her dad that's, like, been the, like, shrimp scampy, all that kind of stuff has been really good. He makes bread too. Oh, really? So this bread is going to be analyzed? Yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. I'm glad I gave you a good one. Well, that's been the big difference

in the last, I would say, year would be Tom was like really, really healthy and our green room was like no fun at all. It was just like nuts and berries. And then just in the last like, year the word is out that like these bakeries are just like sending you all this like every time we go to really sweet and like full it is good because we did we're usually trying to bring like bread back from places but it is like a lot of cookies a lot of stuff that is bad before a show yeah we have a new

cookie thing on the rider where if you uh we ask for cookies from a local bakery. Like find us the best cookies that you have in your town. And so whose idea was that? Because I feel like your tour manager is like super healthy too. She's super healthy, but she eats a lot. She eats a lot. She's adventurous.

Yeah. But I was like, we should have cookies. Cookies are like a good, because you don't go crazy with cookies. It's not like, you know, we're not getting tons of booze or that kind of stuff. It's just like a cookie, a little treat after the show. It feels like a gateway to like fat town. Oh, and I got a, I got, I'm going to give you now. I'm going to see if you're going to eat it.

When we were in dorm, North Carolina, this is the cookie so far of the tour. Okay. This is the best one that we've gotten. It's a thin cookie. It's very thin. Look at that. Look how thin that is. Yeah.

But it's not like, you know how Tates is just like this airy, like it's gone before. For some reason, I've been obsessed with this cookie. It's a pecan chocolate chip cookie from loaf. The bakery is called loaf. They don't deliver. So don't think you can get these unless you know me. All right. And they basically, the fascinating thing is, you'll see when you hold it,

is they basically, I hate to use the word because it's not the process, but they basically boil down the essence of a, great big fat cookie, but make it into a thin cookie. Yeah. And it is crazy good. Danielle, did you have, no, they came to my place, right? Yeah, I haven't had me. You know a cookie?

I don't know people love. John already ate it. These magical people, if you're near Durham, no cala. You go to low. you're asking for a pecan jorgo chip cookie they're going to bring out this cookie and it's going to change your life

Peacan is such like an old nut too no it's going to change your life you're not going to be the same but how you eat this cookie you're going to be a different person in the way before you ate it you still have a but you have a New Orleans accent instead of a southern one

Danielle oh you think that cooking right It's incredible. Yeah, it is very unique too. These are special people. Well, I feel like I was on the right path when I used to make cookies because I would only do them for like five minutes. So it was basically pretty raw.

And then cookie dough became like the hot thing. So I feel like I was on like the right path. You're the reason. But I don't know if this, because this is crispy. So it's almost like a. Yeah, it's like a, it's a thin. but substantial cookie. But when we did that show in Kansas,

they had some great stuff. I don't know, I forget the name of that place. They had some amazing cookies and like brownie stuff. It was like all the old fashioned like all those words. Remember, you used to get like snickerdoodle and all that stuff and they just put them all in one thing. It has made the green room more fun because you get there

and you're like everybody kind of quietly just assesses and like, did you see the cookies? Well, and I also know that, like, it's probably like a known thing that, like, the backstage people are like, I wonder if they're going to take, you know, because like. We leave a lot. Yeah, because the last, you know, because you ask for the local brewery stuff too. And we don't usually don't have time to drink beer. So then they're like, all right, there's going to be stuff left over. I'm thinking of knocking that off the rider.

I don't know. I ask for local IPA. Yeah. I think it kind of gives me a headache. We did get a... They don't really drink a lot. The celebrity one had their own... The one in Phoenix had their own beer that had like...

Remember, because David Bowie had played there, so he was on the can. So I still have that one, like, in my... Just, like, kept it as a souvenir. Now, if you came backstage and there was no beer, but there was red wine... I don't think it affects me either way. Does it? I wouldn't have...

You don't really drink. Not like wine. One time we went out for a memorable meal in Las Vegas. Vegas at the Venetian. Yeah. And it was, we had a big, they gave us a lot of money towards food. So I ordered a nice bottle of wine and you didn't drink it. And my tour manager didn't drink it.

And I just had to drink it by myself. That sounds good for him, right? No, the one I remember was that was the other big part of the New Orleans meal. Because we got this. So Brennan is like the place that. invented what was it, Bananas Foster or something. Oh yeah, that's right. And then supposedly had like the greatest

wine cellar in whatever area. Nolan. So then you had like this wine that you were like, you could try this year. It was like a very specific like you could get this year. And then there was a storm or you could get it like remember it was like 2001 or like 2014. Yeah. And the lady was like right on your

your wavelength and she's like the one will be solid it'll be a great choice but if the other one has been kept well it's going to be like the most amazing thing you ever had and then I texted my Salmolier buddy from high school Barry and he said the exact same thing he's like the one is going to be solid but if this one's good it's going to be awesome so I did have some of that with you and that was like one of your favorites that was really insane domain Tempierre, right?

Can't remember. You keep track of all that stuff. The other thing I was going to ask is everyone's always, what I do like, I hate salad. I don't know if people. He's never had a salad. No, I've had salad. John's like, me neither.

I like, I like, I'll eat enough salad, but I do like it to be mostly croutons, like mostly sandwich. So, So my parents, who I just saw, were asking, because they always have to buy croutons for me when they're getting sold. They're like, hey, can Tom make croutons? Oh, yeah.

And I'm like, that would seem like the easiest thing because it's just stale bread. But is it hard? No, it's easy. Oh, because the good ones always say we only make this out of French bread or whatever. Well, yeah, if you're starting with this bread and it starts getting stale, just tear it up, put it on a baking sheet, a little olive oil, salt, and you can season it with other stuff, and you get these big, nice croutons.

Oh, it's so good. And then when they're in the salad, and it's soaking up all of the vinegar and the oil, oh, my God, it's the best. So you don't look down at croutons? I love croutons. My family does not like croutons. That's weird.

I had a whole campaign against them. My wife is anti-cruton. My daughter's anti-crouton. And at the end of the meal, I just see a plate with just all croutons on it. They just, like, pick them out. Like, even if you don't kind of like it, I'd still eat it. They're like anti-crutons. Oh, I love croutons.

Then my daughter had an idea for a business where I was going to make nothing but croutons. I'm in. And my daughter said I should call it Tommy's Tiny Toast. Just the best croutons you've ever made. I did have an idea that you could make, like, just croutons with, like, peanut butter in the middle. So they'd be, like, tiny, like, peanut butter crackers. And then I'm like, oh, the Ritz already did that.

Yeah, they've already done it. It probably would be a big seller, Tommy's Tiny Toast. I think you should try it. The best groutons in the land. It'd be easier than, like, because I always told you. like you know remember i kept telling you like just make like get to the point where you can make like 10 a week and then you can do like those pizza guys that are doing you know there's like detroit pizza and the guy just like makes it at his house and brings it to a parking lot and it's

already people have always bit on it on instagram i was like you should do that what do you think is wrong with someone if they don't like croutons um well they don't like I think they don't like bread or fun bread or fun. Yeah, because it's crispy, it's like a fun food. You can throw it at people. It was like the best food fight item in high school, right? To throw a crouton with somebody. I think you're thinking of tater tots.

Tots, they're pretty good. But they do, like a crouton will be like a surprise, like a sneak attack. Like what was that? Because it was like floated away. Like a rock and a snowball. Like a top might stick. and then you're just like, oh, that's a full-on attack. She's never explained why she did so anti-cruton. Well, but like your family doesn't,

I feel like that's why the Thanksgiving thing started was like you wanted to still make turkey. So you're like, I'm inviting Paul over it so I can make the turkey. Yeah, I need meat eaters. Yeah. So that's, so I feel like I'm, I am like eating and abetting this like food, food thing. And then you were in a, in a,

a Thanksgiving pie competition with my daughter. That's true. When she was about five. And she kind of cleaned your clock. Yeah. I just figured like food isn't my thing. You know, like I don't have the patience or the. And it's funny because the only foods that you do like are like tan or white.

And you actually made a pie that came out like tanish white. It was vanilla. It was pudding. It was weird. It was like an old paper bag. Well, the first, do you remember the first time I got this like, I don't know why I was so excited about this, but I got this like cake pan that was shaped like a coliseum. That's right. So then I'm like, okay, well, I can just make a cake for any party I go to as if it's even like the Super Bowl, you just put the ball in the middle.

Even if it's like a funeral, you just put the coffin in the middle or something, you know. It was just like a fun thing. And then I made it for your Thanksgiving, but it came out like it was just all like, it looked like it was just crumbled. Yeah, didn't really. And I was like, this is the Greek Coliseum. A falling apart cake.

So then I think you're like, let's do pies next year. Yeah. And I feel like I got your, because your wife makes like an amazing, what was it, chocolate? And then I was like, let's make like some pudding, like, because I'm not a big fruit pie person. And I think your wife started making all these different ones. And then your daughter started making them.

So I feel like I was a good influence on your. You were. She was very proud of herself. Yeah. And she felt like, oh, I can do this. She didn't realize at the time that you were just a paper timer. I was like, like a glass jaw boxer. It was like an easy knockout, tin can.

But then did she, because that's what you're wondering if like your daughter's really going to get into food at all just from your. Yeah. And it's, it's, they both have it. They both are, uh, can, they're really good bakers and. Oh, yeah? Am I? Yeah.

And they're cooks and stuff. But they're also out on their own and poor. So Charlotte's trying to make stuff like in a dorm room and trying to make like a stir fry in a dorm room. And, you know, Angeline does a good job with hosting and doing all that stuff. So I think it definitely, and Cynthia is a really good baker. So I think it's kind of, I think they kind of got it. It was so unusual when they were growing up.

Like it was unusual to like have dinner with your family. Yeah. Like we always did. And it was like not every kid, they came to our house like it was like going to an attraction or something. Yeah. Yeah, definitely, like, because my household, like, my dad was a basketball coach, and my mom worked nights. So it was just like, they just wanted something to, like, throw on the table for his kids. And it was like, you know, upstate New York is just all, like, Italian.

That's where, like, I just watched that Alto Knights movie, the De Niro one where he plays, like, both guys. Oh, how was that? It's really weird because he doesn't, he just looks like him in both things. He's supposed to be like the two different dudes. But the last half hour is about my town. Oh, yeah? Because they drove up to Appalachan, which is where like the meeting of the godfathers was. They went all the way up there?

Barber, yeah. And they talk about like, we can go all the way up there. We'll be safe. But then it's like a million guys driving rolls, Royces up a dirt road, you know. So it was like. And that's a true story. Yeah, it's true. That's how they knew the mafia was a real organization.

nice thing because they tried to have this meeting. So everyone got busted. And then, yeah, so Joseph Barbers, he was like a bootlegger, but he was like a legitimate, like, soft drink distributor too. So he did both. And so that's what he, he moved up there and had this farm. So everyone, like the last half hours, them driving up there. The one guy that's like passing the torch, he, like, is purposely late.

So, like, it gets busted before he gets there. So they think that he, like, set him up. But, yeah, they show the roads and everything. Because we actually drove when we went to, we did that show in Ithaca. And we went to Mark Twain's writing studio. That was the best. Yeah. That was on Ithaca's campus?

No, that was Elmira. Elmira. Elmira. So that was kind of, like, on the way to, because I'm from Owego. So we went to Elmira, and they had, like, Mark Twain's writing thing. and then I took a picture of you in front of it and then there was like this random janitor guy and you're like he goes there's a bunch of other stuff inside

we're closed today and you're just like can we see it and he's like all right so you open the door for us yeah and there was it was a really cool little museum in there yeah it was so funny we're in like it was the winter you know we're staying in like some crummy little days in yeah where we had done the show and I remember at night looking up where this Mark Twain writing cabin was

because his he lived with his family and his sister-in-law built him this octagon-shaped writing cabin there's a word for it and to get him out of the house because he smoked so many cigars. He smoked so many cigars so they built him a thing where he could go sit and write and he wrote like all the grates in this tiny little cabin. And so at night after our show, I was online looking at where it was, planning out, you know,

because we had to go do, go there and then go to the next show, the next town. I'm like, are we going to have time? We should get there early, Paul. We really got to get there early. You know, we've got to beat the crowds because it's going to be, you know, a thing. And we don't have the time. We got to go do another show. And we pull into the campus.

We were the only people there. Nobody. In my mind, this was like. going to Disney. Nobody cared. Nobody was there. Nobody was waiting. We were just all to ourselves. But man, that was pretty great to see.

And that guy just opened the thing, because I have pictures of, like, there was a typewriter, like, he just missed down the typewriter. He invented, like, something just off of the main keyboard. Yeah, it was like a tall thing with a keyboard. And then they had this cigar box and it said he smoked 40 cigars a day

or something crazy. A day. And I kept getting an argument about that, but I'm like, I have the picture. And then there's one, you know, like Thomas Edison, I think made one short film. And he, and it's of Mark Twain

at his house. It's like 30 seconds and he's smoking a cigar. Yeah. No, I wrote an essay about that in my last book about how everybody disputes whether he smoked 40 cigars a day. And it was like, nobody would survive smoking

40 cigars a day. Yeah. But the brilliance was that he lit 40 cigars a day. He lived with a family. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to write. Yeah. They're like lighting citronella candles.

Yeah, yeah. And keeping your family away. Beat it. Yeah. I was like, that was his genius. Keep the bugs away. Yeah, you always have a cigar hanging out of your mouth. No one wants to be around you with your ashtray face.

Yeah. Well, they said that he got the, at that house, He was the first one to get, like, a private telephone. Mm-hmm. And so I remember. I told it because he went to Australia, too. That was like I studied his big trip to Australia before I went there. And Jim Jeffries, we were just talking about Mark Twain and like, oh, yeah, he did like a whole book about Australia.

I was like, you know, he had the first private telephone. And he's like, well, what's the point of that? You can't call anybody. Yeah, and then he would, if you ever look at the Ken Burns thing, he was like the first stand-up comedian. Yeah. He would tour and he would go and tell funny stories and readings and go from city to city. And he really was like the first stand-up comic in a lot of ways. Yeah, and it was like a money thing too because he was like owing all this money.

and his wife really wanted him to like earn it back. You wanted him in debt. Right. So he had, I forget what it was, like 20 or 30 minute, like four or five, like 30 minute sets or something. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, he was like such an interesting guy. Like that's why there's this age. I've been reading all these books lately.

There's 59 is the age that Mark Twain, like he was the most successful author. But he was broke. At 59? At 59 and had to go on this tour. And so at a time where most like a successful like even if you're in the Beatles, you got it made. You don't really have to work. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that was a time where he had to go out and do it. And it like gave him this like extra 20 year period of like success and creativity. And then that was the same thing that happened to Willie Nelson. and he was 59 when he went bankrupt and had all that FBI stuff, and then arguably had like the best 30 years of his life after that. Interesting. So your goal is to go broke by 59? Yeah, I'm working.

I can do it if I try. I got to pick up a couple of vices. You're going to start gambling or something. What can we do? That would completely... That was really special. We couldn't go inside because it was all closed. up. The actual writing part. Yeah, the writing part. It had a little fireplace in it.

But there was like enough stuff in that other place where it's like, I feel like we could just take a few things. And it could be Tom Papa's Mark Twain Museum. Yeah, we definitely could have stolen stuff for sure. It was one of those great feelings whenever you go back to like your school and you find an open door. And you're like, we're in the school. Yeah. Well, I have like the picture of you like looking back and like trying to open the door. It's pretty cool. It was really cool. One thing I've changed a lot on the tour is no more driving. We drove a lot.

Yeah. We would get rental cars and drive. And we had that one up by Gaffigans where Gaffan grew up. I think his brother came to the show. No, it was like a guy, like this. It was called Michigan City, Indiana, which is already confusing. Yeah. But it was like a casino, like literally like on a dirt road.

and we were doing the lake Yeah and we were doing like we had this big security guard like backstage that sometimes they walk you through the casino if they think people are going to bother or something but but the guys like hey do you guys know Jim Gaffigan and we're both like yeah and they're like oh my wife works with his brother at the bank

I was like how small is Indiana? Yeah and we got up in the morning we had to get to the Chicago O'Hare to fly out. Yeah. Which was only about an hour away, an hour and a half away. And that was when you realized you can't drive at night, I think.

Was it? Yeah, it was in the dark. And we figured it'll just be like a quick shot. It was the most traffic, at five in the morning, the most traffic and reckless drivers. Remember, the people speeding around us and going nuts? And there was an accident because people were driving like that. We ended up in traffic. We started, the clock started ticking.

we had the stress of whether we were going to make it. And then we got there. The rental car was like a shuttle bus and a train away from the thing. Yeah. And what did you say when we got, I think we were like on the, once we got on the plane, you were like, well, that was easy. We almost died three times. I was like, I'm not, I can't do this anymore.

Yeah. I can't put, I need someone whose job it is to drive. I don't care what it costs. I've heard that. Like a few different people, even my girlfriend has this, like, kind of crazy commute in the morning. And then I just heard, like, Tim Hidiker's, like, I feel like I waste a lot of time in my car. Like, what if I could use that two hours? It sounds crazy to, like, get a driver, but it's like.

Yeah, to have a driver. I know. See, I'm like you, but I'm with that on the plane. I feel like you get stuff done on the plane. Oh, yeah. And I can't. Remember we. I was like, who was on the podcast?

And you're like, Kevin Ealing. And I was like, oh, he's right there. He was like in front of us. We walked, yeah, the whole way, he was here. We did the podcast. And then you and I walking into the airport, we talked about Kevin Ealing for a half hour straight. And then we got to the gate and he was like, hey, guys.

That was so weird. And then he's like, and then he forgot some, he forgot his iPad or something. So they had to. to let him back off. And then when he sat down... Oh, his jacket. Or his jacket, yeah, yeah.

I said, you don't travel? Aren't you cold? He goes, oh, shit, my jacket. He had to run off the plane to go get his jacket. But then we all sat down and we ended up like, we didn't even plan it. I was like the seat behind him and you were like directly across from him. We were aisle to aisle.

And then Tom does like a group call of the three of us like right next to each other. I'm just talking. Well, he started making phony phone calls to me as we're waiting to take off. And then I look over and he, after the third call he had made, he's literally laughing to himself and crying. Yeah. He was laughing so hard. He goes, I'm 71 and I'm still acting like I'm 12. So what are you going to do with this bread?

Well, you're going to bring it home. Now you're going to have to give a report because I know your girlfriend. and her father's a bread baker. So I want an honest report from all parties. For sure, but she's, I mean, I think at the Halloween thing, you had like some leftover, and she was like trying that. And then you're just like, I'll make you a fresh one.

I don't want you to judge me on this. So it's been like this whole weight. It's a lot of buildup. So this is like a lot of pressure. But that's the, I mean, that's a good thing for you. like for somebody, I mean, I feel like the reason we bond it because we both really love comedy and love jokes and love things. And then when somebody loves food or loves something as much as you do, then that's like, I feel like that was the funny part when your wife was like,

because I was talking about ice cream and you were talking about bread and she's like, I feel left out, I don't like food as much as you guys. I was like, that's why you're in shape. Yeah, that's right. Exactly. You should have like that kind of. of distance from food. Now, you dropped a lot of weight. When I first met you, you were pretty thin. Then you gained weight. Yeah.

And then you dropped it all. And I feel like you're going to do your best now to bring it back. Well, I had my cop land. You know, I played basketball in college. I kind of had to be in shape for a while. And then I got a TV. And then I was like a TV sports anchor. And, you know, I have to look good from like the head up.

Yeah. And so I was just like. all right, I can let myself go, you know. And then you just put on this like 25, 30 pounds. I mean, I was still playing basketball, but it was like I was comedian level because everyone else wasn't that good, you know? Paul's a really good basketball player.

He's this crazy outside shot. And that was one of the great things about the hip thing was I started shooting basketball. I was just shooting my dad's 81 and shoots 81 follow shots every time he goes out there. So we all went out and shot baskets when I was in Florida. So that was like a fun thing to do to get back there and not have pain.

Yeah, I don't know if you can tell. I'm lifting a lot of weights. Yeah? Yeah, I'm really bulked up right now. But why do you think I'm going to gain weight now that I can be more active? I just feel like it's an intention. I feel like you. Or you think it's girlfriend, Paul, is going to put on weight.

Yeah, I think. Yeah, you're like, who do I have to impress? I got someone who loves me. And you know what? Let's ask JetGPT about it. I think he's invested. Do you think it's okay now that Paul's in love if he can gain like five or ten pounds because he's not on the market anymore?

Well, love might be a great excuse to enjoy some extra dessert, but it's not really about the market status, is it? If he's happy, healthy and feeling good in his own skin, that's what matters. And hey, a little love weight can be a sign of comfort, but maybe a shared jog or cooking together keeps things balanced. Ooh, that sounds like a hard no. So I feel like you're fat shaming me, GPT. Yeah, sounds like chat GPT doesn't approve of your lifestyle.

Every time I use chat GPT, by the way, I just feel my daughter yelling at me. She's like, you had to ask that stupid-ass question and use 600 gallons of water, you monster. Well, I know the one thing I used to, you really hate that I do, that I haven't done. since the surgery is do those scooters? Every time we go to its town, it's, look out my hotel window and there's Paul getting on another scooter. Well, in the beginning.

Went to the Alamo? Yeah, in the beginning, when we couldn't get these, nice dinner set up, Tom would just, like, go to bed with, like, nuts. You'd be like a squirrel. You're like, I don't need to eat again. I don't need to eat that late. And so I would need dinner

or something. So you'd go to like whatever taco place or burger place is open. So there was this one leg in Texas where literally it happened three days in row. So the first time I did it, I got on the scooter and then I'm driving by and then there's just like this, this big building. And it's like, oh, that's the Alamo. And so like I got pictures of me in front of the Alamo. A scooter. Yeah, on the scooter. And the next day, went to Dallas. And then all these people around. I'm in like Dealey Plaza where Jeff K got shot. So like I'm in this other tourist thing. So I'm like, I'm seeing the world.

On a scooter. And then I was just in Charleston, South Carolina. And I was just going to be there for the night. And then I was, and Bill Murray owns the baseball team there, the Charleston River Dogs. So. And it was the one minor league team that Judge played for, the single A. So I was like, oh, I'll go there and like get a hat or something. And so they didn't have the scooters, but they had a bike, just the e-bike.

Yeah. So I rode the e-bike back and forth. You better wear a helmet. You're going to crack your head right open. Of course. You have to wear helmets now, I think, right? Well, Paul, tell the people again where they can get your special. Oh, Paul has a website on Instagram, so that has all the links to it.

Paul has a website.com. Nice. Just on YouTube. Actually, both specials are just free on YouTube now. Nice. So, yeah, it's no soup for the soul or gym memberships are a scam. Either way. Whatever YouTube wants to name it.

Either way, you'll find it. All right, I'm going to send you home with the bread. Awesome. And because you're such a good pal, I'm going to send you cookies also. Oh. Some of them got beat up in the shipping, but like I said, you eat these cookies. The rest of your life is going to be having. You're sure this was purpose?

This looks like cookies that. got like run over by all right let's cut that part out