Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 339 - Todd Glass

Episode Date: August 11, 2026

This week we welcome Todd Glass to the table! He and Tom chat all about comedy, touring, and writing. Plus food, of course! Enjoy! Our thanks to: Factor! Head to FACTORMEALS.com/papa50off and use code papa50off to get 50 percent off and 1 free breakfast item per box for 1 year, while supplies last until 10/31/2026. Square! Get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com/go/papa! #squarepod Quince! Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to Quince.com/papa. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They told my parents I wanted to be a landscaper. And a lot of this I forgot, but then my brothers remind me, you told mom and dad, you wanted to be a landscaper. But that was literally in third grade or second grade. You hated heat then. You hated outside then. You hated dirt then. So the reason I wanted to be a landscaper, there was a landscaper in our neighborhood.

We lived in a new neighborhood. Probably a landscaper got the contract to do all the homes. So he was like 50. He owned this huge company. And he sat in his truck with the air on. I love that. I thought that's what I would do. And he would smoke.

cigarettes. He would smoke cigarettes and you would blow it up. So I would want to imitate him. That's so great. And I would go to the side of our house where there were no windows. And it's sad and cute because I knew it was weird. And I knew I didn't want anyone to see me do it. It's not like, oh, I'm little. I don't know. I'm doing it. I wanted to imitate him. So I would go to the side of our house that didn't have windows and I would have a pretzel. And I would go, and I would put it out and go, come on. We're losing light. It's breaking bread. Good to see. you. Good to see you too, Tom. It's really nice. I just want to start off with a compliment because, you know, you watch people and you're like, even people you love, and you're like, that's funny,

and you laugh and whatever. It's very rare when you get that thing that the audience gets where they get you and you just start like uncontrollably laughing and giggling. And your stuff, I was watching your Joe's Pub special before we came in. And you do that to me. me. You do the thing that your favorite comedians do, which is make you laugh uncontrollably. Well, obviously, that melts my heart. So thank you. It's really the truth. Thank you very much. And Joe's Pub, you know, it's so, what do you call it? Self-involved, maybe. But like, a lot of times people think you're funny. Like my manager would go, no, no, they love you. They love you. But they love you maybe from what they saw 25 years ago. Now, if you're lucky, you become a different

comedian. You're still the same, but you've grown, you're different things you talk about. And then that I'm proud of. And Joe's pub, oh, the fact that this, you know, I'm always trying to get that feeling at a comedy club. I know you've been working, you been chasing that for years. And, and we did like 14 shows at, at the New York Comedy Festival in a little 70-seat room. Because I go, I need a lot of people to come out and see me and give them a lot of options. Right. So we did 14 shows in two weeks. And somebody from there came. And then we went back four months later and did Joe's.

I did five shows. And I have never, in my entire life, had to do nothing to the room. It was crazy. That is crazy. I was like, oh, my God, it's all done. Just so our listeners know, and you guys will appreciate this. When I, as a young comic would go on the road, I would go to clubs and I'd walk backstage, which is always a shitty green room in some whatever city. And you're just used to

like walking into shit. And then I would walk in and there'd be a lamp and the lighting would be different and the chairs would be moved. And I would quickly learn Todd Glass was here. Because he, you are always trying to perfect. You're like, why do we have to just accept shit? Why do we make this nice? And it's not even. even like the, there's some really, I'll give it A plus rooms, but they just have, when it comes to the green,

and they don't think of the ambience. Now you need to have it to be able to be real bright too. Some comedians need it real bright. But you need to have a few lamps. That's all it is, just for a little option. You know, I want to turn off

the overhead light and have a lamp. So yeah, I always buy lamps, and then I just leave them for the club. But Joe's Pub, I mean, you, everything. You wanted, you've been trying to recreate in these rooms. that aren't, they're just, you know, a mic and just go and maybe a stool.

And again, if it's a A room, they're aesthetically good. Like, heliums are like, you know, they're not shittles. Yeah. They're beautiful comedy clubs. So all I got to do in there is go in, again, trying to create shows, maybe, hey, can we put black tablecloths on? And they'll do it. They'll graciously do it, which is nice.

And just try to get that vibe going. Maybe in the bar, I have to go, hey, let's not have TVs on. Let's make people forget about the world. And they graciously do it. And it's really easy at a club like that. There's just a few aesthetic things. Yeah. When you're in an A room like that.

But Joe's pub is like, it was great. I mean, it's made for that cabaret style thing, which you've always been creating, like the music, have a good band, have that style, have it feel like showbiz. Yeah, it's been fun doing it. And it's been fun going to places like that. And then I'm going to the den in Chicago in November. Oh, nice. And from what I understand, because, like, Gary Goldman was just there.

John Mullaney was both there. Right. And they just raved. And they're like, oh, the owner's there. It has a sense of ownership and the staff. So it's like walking into that is going to just be great. So nice. So what I watched from Joe's Pub, how long have you been working on that show?

Because it seemed tight. You know, it's funny. Not funny. Not funny, funny, ha ha, but funny, funny, funny. Hmm. I called the event of a lifetime when I do that show at the band, but I've been calling it that since 2016. Because to me, that's the name of the show.

Right. My friend said something. I go, I'm going to give some thought of that. Do people think it's the same show? Like the same stand-up show. If you just book Todd Glass, they go, well, he probably has new material. Right.

I don't have a whole new, I don't know about you. I hope this isn't me rationalized laziness. Because if it is, I want a close friend of mine to tell me, Todd. But here's what I thought. All right. I don't, if you come see me a year later, you're not going to see a whole new hour. Right.

But you're going to see at least 30% new material. Yeah. And when I went to see stand-up comedy, even when I just started or a year before I started, if I saw a comedian, like I saw Richard Lewis or Paul Reiser, and then I would go Gilbert Godfrey back then, I'd be like, my friends would ask me, and I don't think I'm making this up.

I would go, oh my God, it was great. Dad, like, they had a lot of new material. 30% is a healthy dose, but it's also, and the 70% that was the same, I was happy to see that too. So there's always at least 30, 40% new. If you see a year later, and the old stuff's probably changed a little bit too. Yeah, yeah. But I thought, I hope they don't think the event of lifetime, like, oh, we just saw that.

Yeah, it seems like a, like a title show that, yeah. But answer to your question, I've been doing that show with a band, you know, old days I would go into a city and get a local band. Yeah. The night before, spend four hours. And it was amazing what they could do in only three or four hours. But having the same band. Yeah. You know, that band, there was a group of L.A. guys, and they're already top notch.

But that band, that sort of the drummer had used before, the trumpet player was different. we went to Philadelphia and we did three days of just rehearsal because I knew I was going to New York I had to have them be tight three days of just rehearsal in Philadelphia

then we did six shows in Philadelphia Oh wow Then we went to Next in line and did 15 shows or 14 And then the show you saw That was right after that So they were

You know I can be very loose in that show It's a tight fucking show That I can be loose in Exactly And the guys are amazing The band is not a lot of musically, but I mean, they improv with me and make bits together. Yeah. It's pure joy. Oh,

it's so good. I mean, it really was, it war my heart because I know just from being your friend for so long that this was a thing that you've been working on and that kind of a show. You've got this band and you got the act and you got the thing. It really seemed like the culmination of something you've been talking about. Thank you. For a long time. Do you have an idea of it being in Vegas? You know. Like, say you do that and it catches and you have the whole thing. Everybody asks me that.

Yeah. If I could get my audience there. Right. But the problem with that is, and you know, I feel like everything I do is a long answer to a short question. That's why that builds my podcast. You know, I didn't even know what Meta meant till maybe 10 years after I heard people referenced my comedy that way.

And then I got it. Uh-huh. So I always say, look, I don't have to be, this answers your question, but even Vegas, it might still be a problem. I don't have to be meta on top of meta. Right. I can still, I don't want, I can still be who I am.

I can still do what I love. Yeah. But I want to have an audience. Yeah. And I don't want to, so my new sort of thing has been, and that mixed with, I'm turning sevens into tens. And it's going to go back to thinking why I still can't think Vegas would work, even with this new ideology.

Yeah. Sevens to me means when I hit a, hit a stage and there's sevens. 10's the best. I'm always going to do good with that. Well, why are they sevens? They're just not giving me what I want. But they're paying attention, and they're listening, and they're all there's not a peep in the room,

and they're just not giving me what I want. And I used to lose those people. I give up on them, I get mad a little bit. And now I go, Todd, in my head, turn sevens to tens. What's that mean? You could be meta. People get mad, people aren't.

But you don't have to be mad on top of med, on top of meta, where only three comedians can enjoy it. Right. I don't have to be that. And I don't want to be that. And when I had my friend that I told that theory to, and he came to Philly because he was helping me get my show ready. Yeah.

On stage one night, there they were, sevens. Uh-huh. And I kept saying seven to tens, and I got them. 15 minutes. I didn't get as silly right away. I went to material a little more. I was like, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I got off stage and I said to my friend, I go,

God, it was good. I knew I got him. Yeah. Great. I go, that's hard. He goes, yeah, it's hard work. Yeah. And it's harder when they're not a good.

And it's exhausting, but I did it. So with that said, even with that theory, I don't think Vegas just regular people coming in unless they knew me would be my audience. Because even my manager has asked me that. Yeah. Like a swanky little vagusy room. Yeah. Off the strip even. Like, but if it's just people coming in off the street, there is still a little bit of nuance to the show that you have to be able to get. Yeah, yeah. But to do. right like to do what like maybe like caratop does like i would love to do a residency somewhere i know i know my dream come true yeah a year walking into everything the way you want it i know right exactly even to like the people backstage exactly like all that stuff it's and you know what when like when you

especially with the band or even without the band but especially with the band you know you have a you have a certain pie of time and then you move to another venue you lose some of that yeah you have a new lighting person one night you lose. But with the residency, all everything goes in to the show. I know. I know. That's all. Yeah. So it gets tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you know, so much for all that stuff about you when you're little with, with ADD or ADHD. Yeah, yeah. That explains your, you now. You know, like, like, like you're to detail and taking care of all the the stuff and then to hear it like when you're a little kid like trying to like deal with your shag rug and all that stuff. Oh, you did. You did a good watch. My friend, my friend Daniel has

been helping me, Daniel Kino, he'll love this because, you know, he's been helping me, you know, like pull a little bit more out of me. Uh-huh. And when he wanted me to tell this one story, I was like, oh, why don't I got to tell that story? Yeah. And he goes, because then they'll know who you are later. Or he said, oh, you got to move that up earlier in the act. Then when you talk about that, they'll know why. And you just sort of made him. I believe them already, but when I hear you say, you're like, oh, there's solid truth to what you just said. And he's been helping me with that a lot.

Yeah, there was another line that you actually brought back, how I'm spacing on it. It was similar. It was like you had planted something. Oh, well, that's the shrubs. My mom told the teacher that I like, I love shrubs. Right, right. And I love landscaping.

And I told my parents I wanted to be a landscaper. And a lot of this I forgot, but then my brothers remind me. Some of it I remember. it's them reminding me. And then I remember right away. You told mom and dad, you wanted to be a landscaper. But Todd, that was literally in third grade or second grade. You hated heat then. You hated outside then. You hated dirt then. So the reason I wanted to be a landscaper, there was a landscaper in our neighborhood.

We lived in a new neighborhood. Probably a landscaper got the contract to do all the homes. So we were there first and we watched. And he was like, already, he was like 50. He owned this huge company. And he sat in his truck with the air on. I love that. I thought that's what I would do. I thought, that's what I would do. I'd sit in my truck and I thought he was so fucking cool. And he would smoke cigarettes. He would smoke cigarettes and you would blow it up. So I would want to imitate him.

That's so great. And I would go to the side of our house where there were no windows. And it's sad and cute because I knew it was weird. And I knew I didn't want anyone to see me do it. It's not like, oh, I'm little. I don't know. I'm doing it. I wanted to imitate him.

So I would go to the side of our house that didn't have windows and I would have a pretzel. And I would go. and I would put it out and go, Tom, I would go, come on, we're losing light. But I did it like 15 times. Because I heard him do it once. He goes, come on, we're losing light. And I would just do it over and over and over again.

It's so great. And then later in my teacher, this is another. When I say it's a true story, that makes people think it's fake. But my teacher, I was in a special school at this point. My teacher's trying to build confidence in me. She goes, Todd, your mom said, because she had a plant that wasn't doing it.

Well, you like plants. I love that. I'm sorry to interrupt. No time. But please. When that line of your mom said that you like plants, I just caught you as a little kid. And I had that too of people talk about me when I'm not around? What do you mean?

My mom said what to who when? Exactly. What is going on here? I don't need to be talked about. Is there a problem? I got everything under control here. But she talked to my mom and I was so... She says you like plants.

And I said, what? I go, shrubs. Like there's a big, in my head, there's a big fucking difference. I like to smoke in a car, you know, with my pretzel. With my pretzel cigarette. But yeah, shrubs. And then I was so mean, but I was embarrassed. That's what it was.

I was embarrassed. And I said, it has ick. You have to throw it out. It wasn't even something plants got. Fish got it. And I heard my mom. say it like a few times. She goes, oh, it has ick, and you would have to give the fish a drop or in the water. But I go, it has ick, throw it up because I knew, I knew what I was doing.

Yeah, she didn't want to throw it out. She's trying to build me confidence. I'm going to make it backfire on her. Yeah, throw it out. Throw it out. Little, like, you know, little Sheldon, you know, young Sheldon was Todd Glass. It's so great hearing you tell those stories because not only does it describe, a thought popped into my head, not only does it describe you now, which made me think, how, we're never far from our childhood. We're literally, that same, like that line you have, like you should carry the picture around the- picture, I'd just say, when I get lost somewhere,

I think people see my face and they think, and when I get to like the train station, I get a little, I'm still nervous in the train station. Right. And I want to go up to people, it's a joke of America, and I go, carry around a picture when you're little and go, hey, by the way, this is who you're talking to. Right.

Not this. Yeah, not this older man. No, help me, please. Help me, this is me. Yeah. We're still always that thing. We're always that tiny kid. I know.

It's wild, isn't it? When you learn that, it can be helpful. I heard a person say it's sort of derived maybe in the same area as if there's someone at your work or something, not with all people, I'm sure, but I bet it could help. Someone you don't like even, and you saw a picture when they were little. Yeah. You might go, oh. Yeah. That's who they are.

That's who they were. That's who they are still. Like you just said, and know where maybe some of the behavior comes from. I know. I know. Young little tie glass. Because all that's, which is kind of profound because you're still that little kid. We're all that's still that little kid. The years to develop that little kid are so short.

You're talking about six years, seven years. Some of it you're a baby. Then you're walking around for like, you know what I mean? Like you're formed as this guy who's nervous traveling or this, you know, that gets scared of things or what. That version of us that we carry around. was developed in the blink of an eye. Like before you're heading out the door to kindergarten.

It's just, how bizarre is that? And you don't know that while it's happening. You know, it's later, a lot of times later, all that perspective, don't you think it helps?

Like, I, like, I'm glad that I've sort of, you know, like through maybe a little, I wasn't in therapy a lot, but like my friends are therapists

and I run things by him. And I always hear him. And it really helps me, like, go forward sometimes. Yeah. You know, figuring out these things,

you know, What's so strange is that, you know, you're walking around talking to people, like, I'll do these corporate gigs and you're talking to like these business people. And I realize now that like a lot of them are even younger than me, but I talk to them like I'm in high school and I'm there to work for them. You know what I mean? Like I do not, whatever they're seeing on the outside of this guy that's been around a while, that is not to your joke. That is not who they're talking to. I'm like, I'm looking at these people like, these are. grown-ups. I think it's so funny. I think a lot of people relate with that in that way that you just said because we're comics, but in so many ways where I go, oh, I'm older than, I, why am I, I'm like, oh, I'm like, why am I sometimes scared of them? But, yeah, yeah. And you're older than them. sometimes, yeah. I got him a stand-up. Or I guess anything in the arts, because, you know, one of the things that I love being around stand-ups are, you know, when I hang around younger stand-ups,

I'm not roasting them and telling them, you don't know shit, you don't know. It can't work. And I saw, I think Dan Harmon talk about this, can a relationship work when there's, this goes right back to that. Yeah. When there's a 30-year gap or whatever.

Uh-huh. Because it can, it can, but not if everything's based on, I know everything, you know nothing. Right. If it's not like, oh, my God, I can learn so much from you. I know you can learn stuff from me.

He goes, no, if it's just going to be, that's your roles, that you're young, it's probably not going to work. And I feel the same thing when I hang out with new stand-up comedians. What I love about it, when I'm hanging out, and I'm talking whether it's a 30-year-old stand-up comic

or in some cases, 22-year-old, you know, like Dax Hilton that I've gotten to know pretty well. I don't, I'm ageless. Yeah, right. Sometimes when I'm in my studio or we're hanging out around a fire pit in my backyard, I'm just no age. I know.

And, you know, sometimes I go to the bathroom and I look in the mirror and I get, oh, Jesus Christ. Right. Your hip starts hurting just from sitting. But it's a great thing about being, I guess, you know, I say a stand-up comedian, but I say anything in the arts, you know, you get to be around younger people. But I don't, it's not a, it's not a roasting thing with them.

It's like, you can learn from me, I can learn from you, but it's your, and there's certain people my age that have it. Sometimes they still have that lust, but they're busier. You know, I can't hang out with Rory Scoville as much as I used to. Yeah. So, but these, all I want to do is hang out. I know. I'm hanging out with them.

Yeah. It's just, it's, that's the thing. I'm ageless. I'm just with another comic. Yeah. And I really cherish the hell out of it. I know. Seinfeld said in that, in comedian that we comedians are, or was it, Mario Joyner who said it in that documentary, that comedians are the, uh, are really mentally the age, how long they've been doing stand-up.

So have you been doing stand-up for nine years, you're a nine-year-old. Oh, I'm still pretty old then. Yeah. So now you're right. Now you're a young adult. Yeah, yeah. Well, I've been doing it, oh, 45 years. 45.

Mm-hmm. Started in high school. Wow. And it's crazy. And you know what? That's so great. I feel like when I say, I love it as much as when I started. It falls on deaf ears because it may be, people go, well, how genuine are you?

Believe me. I love it. I love it more. Yeah. You know, the pandemic, I think helped me become a better comedian. In a way, you ready? I didn't realize it while I was going through it, but halfway through it, I did because because I had a conversation with Gary Goldman.

you know like when you perform if I see someone in the audience not enjoying a bit it could it could make me get out of the bit yeah and it could be or maybe I sense maybe half the crowd half the crowd's loving it the other I might get out of the bit

I have to attend to the audience and it's important I don't want to let him ruin what I think is funny I know you have to ignore the audience too sometimes yeah sometimes to be a good comedian I get that but when you're like when you're doing a pod this will go full circle real quick when you're doing a podcast

you don't when I'm doing a podcast with you or when I'm doing it with Rory, I don't sit and go, how do we know if it's funny? There's no audience. We have no idea. We know it's funny. Right.

So what do you do? How do you do it when there's no audience? You trust your instincts. We're not trying to get one over in anyone. Yeah, yeah. How do we know when to stop a bit when we're not enjoying it anymore? Right. And that's how I was doing my stand-up when there was no audience.

So I was liking it. Uh-huh. And does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. And my sister-in-law goes like, oh, I just had a great show. It was before they were even putting any of the audience reaction on the screen. Uh-huh.

I didn't care when they did that because I was liking it. And she goes, how do you know you had a good show? There's an audience. I go, I know when a word comes to my mind. And I would just do it as long as I wanted to do it. I was performing with my podcast sort of sensibility. And I think I got better. When I went back to clubs, of course you have to acknowledge the audience and understand,

do they have them here. But also maybe just try to ignore them a little too. Yeah. Like do the bit. So I think it might have helped me a little. I don't take a lot of breaks. But if I haven't run my set, like two to three weeks and go back to do it,

uh, I finally got to the point where I can trust in myself that I'm gonna, I don't have to like study it. I'm, I'll know it. Yeah. And there's a freedom. There's,

there's, I'm not just reciting it. I have more, uh, you're just more present because it's just more open. Yeah. It's the only way I can describe it. That makes sense,

you know, which makes, makes me realize if you take more breaks, you're probably better. so maybe just do two shows a year. Then you'd be amazing. Wouldn't that be great? I love, I love still doing, like I said,

even when I can't do residency, I love going to a club and like doing three nights. At four or five. Yeah. I go, you know, sometimes I'll say to the club like, I don't care if you bring me in and I'll have your open mic night on Wednesday, let me close it out.

Right. I just want to be at the club for five, six days if I can. Yeah, it's so nice. They're my vacations. You just kind of park it. Yeah. So how, when you look back to the thing of when you were little and becoming, Todd that you are now, it seems like from your set is, it's so funny of you, like,

really trying to figure out how am I going to make this life work? Like, how am I going to, you're like thinking about your jobs and you're thinking about, like, what you're, what you're doing and you're being put in special classes and how challenging was it when you were little and they didn't know, like, what dyslexia was. That's a good question. You know, I'm always paranoid, again, when my friend Daniel was trying to help me talk about it, he goes, you have to mention you have ADD, and he goes, I go, well, I want to explain what that is to me. Because two things, and I'm probably right when you, I think there's a consensus of a lot of people that go,

everyone needs a title now. I have this, I have that, I have ADD. Yeah, maybe some people, there's always a slice of everything where that exists. Sure. But I think it's the opposite. I think, you know, it's funny, there's a lot of people that, if it's never, negative words, they love them. But when it's a word that might help people live a better life,

like I don't mind that we use the word autism now. It's on the spectrum. Because sometimes it's not in a negative way. It helps explain somebody, oh, you're going to love this person. They're a little on the spectrum, but they're so sweet. And you're so, you're ready. And you understand what that means, you know.

I didn't know what those words were. I wasn't looking for a title, which I don't think a lot of people are. They just hear it and they go, oh, that's, I relate with that. I can get that under control now, not blame it on something, but help get it under control. But when I was, you know, in those schools and going in and out, I was just thinking,

I remember clearly thinking this. Everyone is having a hard time concentrating. You're just not trying as hard as them. Right. That's all I thought. I wasn't like, well, you have a thing. So it was very difficult. And I remember, certain times I really try to be clear with Todd, did you make this memory up

or did you literally remember it? Sometimes I'm on the fence about it. Sometimes, no, no, I remember. I remember thinking, I don't know how I thought this because it really worked for me. I knew I wasn't retaining anything. I knew nothing was penetrating. But I thought, just go and listen. Some stuff's got to stick.

And especially after I started doing stand-up comedy, like in, I think the summer of 10th grade maybe. Right. And then I went, I think I'm going to be doing this and just go. And a lot of stuff, there's times when I go, you know, I have a thing in my act. I'm trying to make it work where even if you're a teacher and you, think you, some students you know you made an impact. Even if you're a teacher and you think, ah, I wish I could have helped that kid more. I'm not even being silly. There's times when I think, even I, I pretty much failed every grade. Right. Until I left school and didn't graduate. But I went.

I made friends in 10th grade. So then I started actually liking school. Right. But I failed. Even failing every single year and never graduating, you know how much stuff I learned? Like, it's crazy. I want teachers to know that. Like, you know, The measurement and I can drive and I know the temperature and Celsius. You know what I mean? An inch and a foot I can do math. Yeah. I can.

So it's like I, I'm glad I went. But yeah, it was very difficult. Yeah. Don't be down on yourself, teach. Don't be down. Even with your worst. Yeah. I still learned a lot of shit from you.

You did a lot. But yeah, it was very difficult because, and like I said, that's why I was always trying to think what I could do for a job. I thought I really did think I was going to be a landscaper. I like the concept of it, but I don't like the heat. Yeah, the conductor. A restaurant owner. Oh, the conductor.

That I knew I could never do, but God, it looks so cool. Right. My mom, I think I say in the show, brought us to hair when we were in elementary school. You know, I tell this in my act, because sometimes I make fun of my mom a little bit, and I also loved her. She was an amazing woman. But I do make fun of her. Like, one of the lines I have, and I go, is that too mean?

I go, one day my brother actually said it to me. He goes, Todd. I don't think cancer's everything mom thought it would be. Meaning no one would argue with her. She would just sit around a room. Everyone's nice. Yeah, the first time she had, of course in the beginning, you're like, but then when, you know, things are under control and the chemo's working and, you know,

she might say something, well, mom, that's not realistic. And my brother goes, she was surviving like, what? I thought we're going to get, I thought. So, but then also I tell this story because my mom, it has to do with like when people think people are too progressive. I bet, well, no, I don't bet, I asked my mom later, she brought us all to see hair when we were in different levels of elementary school.

My little brother, Corey, was in first grade, my oldest brother might have been in sixth grade, maybe. I said, did your friends, and it's funny, she goes, how did you know that? I go, no, no, I would guess because it was such a, come on, even if you're pressing with. Bring little kids to see hair. But you know what?

Every one of those songs stayed with us, and that album means something to all of us. When we hear words and those songs that were talking about racism and prejudice, even if we didn't know then. Right. It's stuck in our fiber. She was right for doing it. Right.

She was right for doing it. And I saw the conductor and I was like, I didn't even watch that. I was like this. Just so cool. Stop. And I'm like, oh, God, maybe I could do that, but I don't think I could learn. It's such a funny brain when you're, like, you obviously had this sensitive, uh, observational brain.

You're looking at the landscape or you're looking at the conductor. You're finding your way. not giving it to you and you're out there just like looking in the world just trying and being like yeah that one that one looks good the owner of the car wash oh i thought he wore a suit he owned like seven car washes and i think i remember i went to daughter high school with his daughter but he would just be like walking around the car wash a lot you know like you know just telling every hey like we got that pull that and once he went up to my dad this is when i knew i wanted to own a car wash he went up to my dad because um he goes is that your, is that your black,

is that your station wagon? My dad goes, yeah, he goes, just give me a minute here. He was Tom, run that car through again. We don't put cars through like that. What's going on here today, guys? Because they had it left a lot of mud on that thing. And I was like, oh, wow, imagine the power.

Run that through again. And then me and my friends would do a bit. I was already doing bits. Because this might have been in sixth grade. Yeah. And the bit me and my brother did is, what if my dad didn't want it to run through again? And my brother was in like eighth grade

He goes, no, no, that's right. Hey, whose name is on the car watch? Come on, you got a shitty station wagon. You probably go home, your wife ain't nothing special. Let me run the car through it. That was the sentiment of the bit. Your wife's nothing special. It was something like that.

But from, you know, two young kids basically doing a bit, which is a funny bit even now. Like, you know, my, oh, no, my dad, because my dad did say it's all right. And the guy was a little bit of, please. I mean, please. Don't torture me like that. It's so funny.

Just that you're like looking around for your way. What I'm going to do. I mean, yeah. I mean, so like you say you're doing bits when you're that young and 10th grade, you're going up on stage. 10th grade. So, yeah, so you were figuring it. Stand up was I knew when I found it, you know, like it wasn't like, what do you call it

when you foreshadowed? Like you didn't really have that feeling then later. you put, you know, you're like, well, but I really did. I remember my first open mic night thinking, you know, I related with adults more when I was little. I had friends, you know, it wasn't like, so sad, but I related with adults a little more. When I did stand up, I remember just going, my brother drove me home, and I remember thinking, in so many words, you not only found your friends. Yeah. You found your, in hindsight, I would use the word community. I didn't use that word back then. Yeah. And that's why, in the show,

that I do, you know, I thought I was a little nervous, it would come off too cheesy, but I knew I meant it from my heart. I have a, I say, right now I'm saying it off Mike. I'm saying it in the voice of God when the band brings, the show starts and it goes black. And I say, you know, I started comedy folks when I was 15 and first opened Mike night when I met comedians. I knew I'd found my people. So on this tour, we thought this would be a good way to open the show, to an homage to all them. Some aren't with us anymore. And I'm sure you know people in your life that you feel the same way about. Yeah. So here we go. And then Alyssa Saba, who's also a comedian from L.A., but she can sing. She shreds. I don't need anyone just to sing it. I need to have shreds for once in a life. For once in my life, I have someone who needs me.

And at the end, she's shredding it. And then boom, it stops. And there's a blackout, and you hear the trombone. Boom! And the first night we did it, my ex was in the back of the room. And I loved that he told me this, because what I wanted it to do, not only the sentiment of it, but he goes, God, the people next to me at the table.

people go, what the fuck? And I go, I believe that because it's like, we came to see a comedy show and yeah, someone opens it with a song. It's so great. And now a word from our sponsors. We'd like to thank the good people at Factor for sponsoring today's program.

Factor, a good company with a good solution to one of life's annoying problems, which is when you're running around and things get busy and you're coming into the house and you realize you're freaking out and you're tired and you're angry and you need to eat something really quickly and you know you should be cooking and you're like, I can't and then you order something disgusting or you order something bad for you or you go to your refrigerator and you open it up and there's factor meals,

a little stack of them just sitting there waiting for you and you pop those in the microwave and you have a meal that you couldn't have even cooked yourself that is healthy and tailored to whatever your dietary needs or wants are. That's factor. With over 175 band ingredients, every factor meal is designed around what supports a healthier lifestyle and nothing that doesn't. Factor meals are ready in two minutes, require no prep, no cleanup. So even on the days, your schedule is completely out of control, eating well is still achievable. Every week, you'll find 100 nutrient-dense menu items to choose from and new options like the salmon burgers, love salmon burgers, shredded pork, collared greens, and more.

Plus, add-ons you'll crave like pumpkin-flavored cheesecake, what? And protein shakes. 97% of users agree that factor meals help them live a healthier life so you can feel confident that you're doing something good for yourself. with every meal. It really is so easy. And it's one of those things like in the middle of eating it, you're like, damn, this is good.

Damn, this was easy. And you know that you have another stack waiting for you in the refrigerator. You're like, you know what? Factor is pretty good, but I'm even better. Like, I'm really great for planning this and signing up for this. And, yeah, factor you're helping me, but I'm an amazing person. Let's Eat Real. Head to factormeals.com slash Papa 50 off and use code Papa 50 off to get 50% off and one free breakfast item per box for one year while supplies last until October 31st, 2026. Also known as Halloween. That's code Papa 50 off. PAPA 50 off at factor meals.com. Papa 50 off at factor meals.com. See the website.

for more details and have fun over there. You get to pick all this stuff out yourself. Thank you, Factor. Support for today's episode comes from Square. The system behind so many restaurants you already love. If you ever worked at lunch rush, you know there's no time for systems that don't work together. Orders are flying in, customers are lining up, online tickets keep coming, and your team needs everything to stay in sync, and that's where Square comes in.

Whether you're selling tacos at a farmer's market, running a neighborhood coffee, shop or growing into your next restaurant location, Square, grows with your business. And right now, listeners can get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com slash go slash papa. That's Square, S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash go slash Papa. Visit Square to get started because the right tools make all the difference. Square is a good, solid company and a good solid partner for any kind of business really. When I was selling merch out on the road, it was Square that was keeping track of everything, giving me reports of everything, making someone who really doesn't have the time or knowledge to run a small business, be able to do it on the fly in front

of a big, giant crowd of people, and they didn't have to sweat it because Swear's technology comes in and helps you do all of it. Square is a platform behind so many restaurants that you already love. It connects your point of sale, online ordering, kitchen, payments, reporting, and team management all in one place. Instead of juggling different systems, everything works together from the first order to the last ticket. Whether you're just getting started or growing into your next location, Square grows with your restaurant. Why do businesses love it? Because it simplifies the messy stuff. It works from one location shops and businesses with multiple teams, service areas. You don't need an IT team, a degree in accounting. It just scales with you, whatever you're selling.

Square is more than a point of sale. It's a complete platform. No long-term contracts, no hidden fees, no complicated setup. If you're starting a business or running one that deserves better tools, Square helps you sell, manage, and grow without slowing down. Right now, you can get up to $200 off Square hardware at square.com slash go slash pop. That's S-Q-U-A-R-E-com slash G-O-S-P-A-P-A. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. We'd like to thank the good people at Quince for sponsoring today's program.

After a busy summer, there's nothing quite like settling back into the routines that make home feel special, cooking your favorite meals, gathering around the table, enjoying moments at home. Quince makes it easy to upgrade the pieces that you cook with every day, combining premium materials, thoughtful craftsmanship, and exceptional value. Whether you're making a quick weeknight dinner or cooking for friends and family, Quince's cookware is designed to make everyday meals feel just a little more enjoyable. We got Quince cookware, and it's really true, like you can tell, it's been a bit of beat now,

where Quince has been in our cabinets, and other things have come and gone, and other things don't look as cool, other things degrade and get tossed, and Quince is hanging in there, and it really has a good hand feel. The stuff is really classy. It looks better. It's better to cook with, and more than all of that, it doesn't really start losing its luster. It's still in our cabinets, and we still use it all the time. When it's time to gather around the table, Quince's table linens, glassware, and flatware, help create a table that feels warm, welcoming, and effortlessly put together. Like all Quince essentials, everything is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands.

And Quince works directly with top manufacturers and cuts out the middlemen, so you're paying for quality, not brand markup. Upgrade your every day in the kitchen. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash Papa. get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. That's quince, qu-unc-e-e-com slash Papa, a great way to upgrade your kitchen and support this podcast.

And now back to the show. There had to be self-esteem stuff when you're watching all these other kids get grades and you're trying to keep up and even just your comment of like, maybe I'm just, everyone's having a hard time retaining, maybe I'm just being lazy about it. That's like you're on yourself about it. It's like to find something where that metric, that way of measuring how good you are,

your worth as a person is invalid. And that's what, look, I had amazing teachers. I knew it then. Yeah. But that's what, you know, like I feel like I always go back to this because I think everything takes you back to this. What you just said is one of the positives of today. And, you know, I always get weary of people.

I don't mind if people complain about things today. And I don't mean the temperament where the temperature we're in right now. I'm talking about even if you went back to 2015, that nothing's good anymore. You know, nothing kids, it is, everything. I don't think I have zero to learn from someone who says that unless sometimes they're talking about what's different but better. What's different but better? I never hear you talk about that. Once you mention it to somebody, a hypothetical, they'll go, oh,

yeah, yeah, look, I'm not making an assertion on you, what you're interrupting me now and going, oh, yeah, yeah, because I'm listing some things that I feel are better, different but better. I'm talking about, I never hear you talk about that throughout the year. Right. And one of them is what you just said. Now schools, you don't have to just, it was starting when I was in high school. I'll give Conestoga high school credit. But now it addresses some kids that might not be book smart, but are good. Now I love that there's more just not only theater in schools, but improv troops. Yeah. And comedy. I went to Notre Dame to do a show,

and there were like the kids that opened for me, they were amazing. I'm like, what the? They were great. And they had a comedy club, a comedy class. Like, you know, not a class even, just they got together. It was like not during school,

but you know what I mean? Yeah, like an extracurricular. There you go. And then a lot of that. And that we can, that's why I'm like, what's better but different, the fact that we can understand kids that are mentally challenged

and what their abilities are, why would you want to go back to 30 years ago? go what the kids that had genuine autism that were getting spanked yeah isn't what's better what's different but better please you got to you got to throw me some of them or i have nothing to learn who are you talking to when you're saying that young people or older people older people older people older people older people that are always saying you know oh what's bad today it was better today right you know and um it's just like there are a lot of things that are better now that are different but better now just my big thing for some reason in life is perspective and and putting

things in the perspective and you know you hear a lot of people now everyone just lives their life for social media it's a fake life for social media now that exists for me to make my point i don't have to try to prove that wrong because it's not wrong there's a lot of people living their life for social media you know how that bothers a lot of people it's just fake they're not even living their life they're living their life for social media okay that's not good right and i'm not going to tell you it doesn't happen but i am going to put in the perspective whether it's better or worse back then my perception people lived their lives were fake lives you know whether you got divorce or whether you were gay or whether you you know everything was an embarrassment your whole life was a

lie in a lot of cases yeah so you know i try to put that in the perspective to go i don't think it's worse than it used to be yeah does that does that make sense totally i was watching rear window last night which i recommend to everybody for it's a great summer movie just because it's a takes place in the summer jimmy stewart in his in his apartment trying to figure out if the do you're familiar with it do you know no no of course i know jimmy stew you've got to watch this it's so it's a hitchcock film and he's got a cast and he's in his and uh grace kelly is his girlfriend and he sees a guy across the way uh he's watching all the apartment buildings he's in new york he's seeing all these different lives in all these different apartments and he suspects this one guy

killed his wife and that's what the whole thing looking out the rear window trying to solve the murder. But the reason I bring it up is because you're watching all of these lives in these different apartments and they're drinking. This is like, you know, the 60s. This is like the early 60s. And people's lives where they had no other outlets, they had no other, they couldn't share their feelings with people. They just had to swallow it and deal with it. And people were getting hammered. I wrote down just as a note to work it out as a bit, booze. and bacon. Booze and bacon.

People were getting hammered, eating shitty food, because their lives were falling in around them. Tom, I'm so glad you brought that one up because, you know, what's different but better? Look, things don't have to be perfect now. If I'm happy to defend now. Right. You're very thoughtful. You don't just kind of brush over

what the current discussions are and take it at face value. you always kind of go a little deeper with it. I remember when we were at Largo one night and you were going off about people talking about woke and people, you know, talking about, and you really, like in real time, we're really finding, what are we talking about here, people?

Just that we're nicer to each other? Is that, that's the base. Yeah, yeah. We're just being, we're just taking other people's lives into consideration. I'm sorry if it bothers you. makes you trip up on your words or whatever. But what are we basically talking about? Just being kinder to people and being, and it was at a time where that hadn't been exhausted.

It was really at the beginning of it. Now I try to like, you know, I moved on because I, one thing, look, I've made the mistake in my act. I don't know who's, you know, you hear these words of nuggets of wisdom. I think this might have been from Gary Shanling. Not when you're doing a podcast. Then you could talk. It doesn't have to be funnier than preachy.

But in your act, it should be funnier than preachy, especially if you're trying to change people. I made the mistake. I go, eh, even myself going, that's just preachy. Yeah, if they agree with you, they applaud. But it should be funnier than preachy. But I try to that one, I don't talk about. I tried to make sure I'm moving on to new issues. Right. And on this sort of

tour, this touring that I'm doing right now, I'm just sort of keeping it a little bit, you know, a little bit lighter, a little bit just easier, you know. Well, it's the cool thing about it from watching from watching the Joe's Pub thing.

was, and I really, I just think your brain works that way. You're very thoughtful and you really dig. You dig and you're not, you're going to, you're looking for the truth of whatever everyone's talking about. But to see you turn that same kind of little laser thing on yourself is, I think what makes this so great of where you're at right now as a comic. Like, do you hear that your friend is telling you, go into that story, tell them that you have ADD, tell them you, like, it is, you're taking that same,

mentality and putting it on yourself, and it's ultimately very revealing and very, very funny. It's very funny. Thank you. It's been fun to do. Yeah. Definitely been fun to do. Do you need more water? I do.

Thank you. Maya, could you help us? You know, you know what else I notice? Like, you know, I always say, like, if cars had egos, they'd all be broken down on the side of the road. Like, when you go to put a new fuel injection into a car, it doesn't go, ah, what's this? It just takes it. People's egos get in the way.

And by the way, I know, you know, whenever I want to figure out what other people are thinking, I don't think they think you could do this. I think back, I was younger. I used to argue when I knew I was wrong. I remember being in a relationship and somebody would, thank you. Somebody would say something. And I knew, half a beat, he's right. Oh my God, he's right.

But I didn't admit it. Right. I would just go, I would spin my wheels. I knew I could misdirect it and even getting him to apologize three minutes later. But he was right. Then later in a relationship after a little bit of things, therapy. I remember what, well, anyway, the point is that, you know, I see these things. And as I get older, I, I, I see patterns. So, and I don't want to be in my own way. I was pointing out,

I've been in my own way. I'm not, but I don't want to be in my own way. I see patterns. And one of the things I've noticed that the masses in the beginning are wrong. It's just the way it is. Right. So before I even do any research, I'll do research. Yeah. But before I do any research, If the masses are saying it, it's probably wrong. And sometimes I sort of trick people. I'll go, oh, my God, it could be an uncle. It could be a friend of mine. Yeah, I go, well, you know, the masses agree with you.

He goes, I know. I go, that's not a good sign. And that never stops people. I'm learning. Why do you think that is, by the way? Because change is difficult. Hey, when I was in a relationship and shoes went from round the square. And he goes, Todd, they're not wearing those shoes anymore.

And I was like 33 at colleges. And he goes, I go, yes, they are. I know what they're doing, and then I slowly realized he was right. You get stuck in a pattern. And hey, if the pattern is your shoes, no big deal. But if it's enabling other people to live an authentic life, then it's a little more dangerous. But yeah, I think they get stuck in their own ways. And I just try to realize that, like, okay, when people are, when I look at other people

and I go, well, the masses are all saying that, the odds are, it's wrong. Yeah. The odds are it's wrong. And, you know, so I try to like, and patterns of, like, you know, it's going to hurt the kids. You know, that's often said. If you go, go back and look at the last 50 years, and you could pull up 50 times, they said it's going to hurt the kids. And you go, it never was.

Now we knew what was hurting the kids. And that wasn't it. So the odds are if someone says today, oh, it's hurting the kids, it's very low, low, low, low, low probability that that's what's hurting the kids. Right. So I just try to go through life like that and not because the patterns are there. No, it's true. Yeah.

Not get in my own way. Yeah. I hope. I want to be like, you know, older and like even when I'm 80 or 90 if I get to be, that I can still do this. I, I, well, it's so funny. I mean, it's almost like, would you say that your material now is more personal? Definitely, it's still like the old tie glass that, you know, other observations and just being silly, but definitely by choice. Yeah. I remember going, oh, I can dig a little deeper here. I like, there's things that I, you know, a lot of it came from my friend looking through a photo album of me.

Yeah. In my bar mitzvah and younger things and he went, why? And then a jotted stories of me. Yeah. Like my teacher, Miss Biazzi, who was in my special ed teacher, I was telling me the story. Not to tell on stage. Yeah. And Miss Biazzi came to my show.

First of all, I couldn't believe she was alive. Because she was maybe 40 or 50 then, I don't know. Yeah. And then after the show, I talked to her and I go, do you mind if I ask how old you were then? she goes, I was 27. I just got my bachelor's degree. I go, oh, no wonder you're still alive in my head. Yeah.

But 27. 27 years old. She told me some stories that I told Daniel. And one of them was she remembered so many. Some I remembered. As she's telling me, I go, oh, I remember this. Others I didn't. She was taught.

When we were doing math, because she taught everything, it was special ed. She goes, one time in the middle of math, you go, do our legs have lids? And do you know, and my, I, she was, what's the food cup? And I go. Where's the food go? And I told her, I go, well, I still think that's a good question. Did you remember that one? No, that one I did not remember.

But I do remember my dad, very young, had open heart surgery. And we were left with two friends of my parents. They stayed at our house with us. And so we went to school and, you know, they were like our parents. And I brought my parents. They didn't smoke pot a lot. but occasionally they did. You know, like a lot of parents.

They had kids, and, but I brought my parents' potpipe to show and tell. Show and tell, and I pulled it out. One kid had a battery, they cook a hot dog or something. And then I go, mm-hmm, I didn't know what it was, so I didn't go, but I just pulled it out. My teacher, I knew something that was wrong very quickly.

Because she was like, you know, they parody. Okay, Todd, let me just care. You know, and she was so young, and she kept it, and she told my mom and not the way my mom told the story and I remember even that she wasn't no judgment like I thought you I didn't handle this with the school

you know I just sort of you know and but I told Daniel that he goes Todd you got to tell that story it's so great and you hear because it's a I know you hear this but watching your act made it very clear

the more personal you're getting the more universal you're getting and it sticks with people little different. You tell those stories of you being a little kid and just trying to figure out the shag carpet and yelling about the mountain goat to your teacher. Oh, that's right. I was obsessed with that. It really is such a cool creative thing. You did a lot of work. Tom, you did a deep dive. I'm telling you, it made me, that stuff really makes me laugh. The shag carpeting for the, for the listeners, and, you know, every room had shag carp. Back then, I remember being at Mr. Plywood

and them telling my parents, they go, well, can we put this in that room? and that and that. He goes, oh, yeah, my one daughter likes this rug. And back then, that's what you did it. One room could have shag and be orange. The other one could be navy blue. I didn't know it was driving me fucking crazy back then. But I didn't like it.

And you had a rake for your shag carpeting. And I would rake myself out of the room. I know you know this. But then my brother would be at the bus stop. He'd go, oh, I forgot my book bag. And then I would go, oh, shit, I got to go rake him out of the room. I'm already having... Just to have it in order.

I'm always having trouble learning. I can't. And dog nose marks on the window when I was in... When I was in fifth grade, I would come home from school, and I couldn't take the dog nose marks on the way. And real quick, the people across the street from us, they were a little different style. Right.

And years later, I asked her, I said, you know, Myra, my friend Albert, I used to come over your house because it was calm, not only because my mom was very clean. We had a very, but, and I found it calm just because of the way it was decorated. Right. She goes, you know, Todd, it's so funny that you say that because, you know, we didn't have a, that was our first house where we can even afford a decorator, you know, because her husband built the whole neighborhood. He was the builder of the neighborhood.

Then he built his home. And he said there was beauty and unity. And it was hard to trust him because he wanted to put the same rug upstairs all the way upstairs, all the way through the bedrooms, all the way downstairs, all the way into the basement, the same this, all the way, all the way through. She goes, I didn't really like it. But when it pulled together, people will come over my house. And you didn't know this and go, why's your house so calm? later you can go back and paint a wall purple if you want to put some and I go she goes you felt that I go I did feel that I felt calm yeah yeah because our house was clean yeah it didn't have that it didn't it was no shag carpeting all tile or berber carpeting and I would just go over there

and be like and then one day his dad came home from school and I remember uh he goes he's like Ow, why is the hose unraveled in the back yard? Yeah, just like a dad. And I remember thinking, I remember this going, Albert, he's right. Your dad isn't crazy. I love to hold the whole. Why is it unraveled?

Yeah, why is it unraveled? So if I tell that story, and then later in my, I told this story about, this is, like, I'm telling it, you know, Mr. Rogers says if it's mentionable, it's manageable. So I tell it in case there's somebody else out there, I'm not proud of it, but I love a neat hose so. much that I bought a hundred foot hose not to be used. Not to be used. And then, you know the new

hoses that ravell in the nothing? Yeah. That goes in the center. So I unraveled it. And then I just left it perfect, you know. And then I shoved the other hose in there. And then the gardener didn't know and he used it one day. Of course I hid my rage. You know, but I could never get that hose back to the way it was. But he goes, oh, I go, oh, don't use this. He goes, oh, I'm sorry. I go, no, no, no. that's right because I don't want them to think I'm crazy. You know, no, I just have it so it's nicely well. But it made the whole front yard that perfect hose. Oh, perfect.

You can't get a hose like that. Perfect. I get exactly what you're saying. And it's so funny because this is the guy who's going around redecorating green rooms at comedy clubs. It's great. It all makes sense. Yeah, it all makes perfect sense.

You know who you were back then. Oh, I get what your thing. I have the same feeling. We just had a big family get together down at the Jersey Shua. And it was like 15 people in the house. And I had one rule. and nothing's ever left in the sink. Nothing's ever left in the sink.

So if you have it, you're done with your cup and you can't leave it in the sink. It's got to go on the dishwasher. If the dishwasher's full, guess what? You have to unload the dishwasher. It's just the way it goes. This rules with your family? With the family, yeah.

Do they uphold that rule? They did. Good for that. And it was the first time, I don't even know why it came to me. You know, it's nieces, nephews. It's like a whole bunch of. of the one nephew as soon as I said, this is the new rule, you know, as people would come in,

I'm like letting him know. And I said, nothing left in the sink. And my nephew went, none of that stuff was mine. I'm like, that doesn't matter. That doesn't matter. That's a violation of the rule. It has nothing to do with it. It doesn't matter whose stuff is whose.

Just if you go, it gave me such a calm feeling. Oh, yes. Coming home to that is so, you know, I have. have a, you know, the same thing. And it was sometimes when I had the podcast, they were like younger, there's always younger kids interning on a podcast, you know, because they like them. And they would come over the house, and I'm very orderly, very orderly. But sometimes they would confuse that with, like if they broke a glass or something, I don't care at all. Or they go to use coasters, and I'm a no coaster person, you know, and I would say to them, because I wanted them to relax to know that

my being orderly doesn't mean, I want you to feel comfortable in my home, put your feet up on the sofa, you know, whatever. And I had an old barn table. It didn't matter. I also had like this metal. It was like a metal gavel. It was for decoration, but it was a big heavy metal. And I would take it and I would bang the table to go, to prove to them, go,

listen, this is what I think about things. And it would leave dense in it, but it didn't matter. It made it. But they would relax after that. Right. I go, no, no, no. I'm very orderly. I want you to be comfortable in my home.

You don't have to worry about it. But yeah, nothing in the sink. Oh, no. I can't. Oh, it's heaven. take things in this. And clean windows or having a professional window cleaner.

Oh, God. I rent to the people upstairs and they're perfect, but they don't care about the windows, but I don't care. But I go, I go, you know, the guy, he said it's the same

once he's at the house to do upstairs or downstairs, so I'll have him clean your windows in early Christmas present. It's not the same. I had to pay for it. But I wanted their windows clean so bad. And you know what I didn't get that I wanted?

They don't call me and go, oh, this does look fucking good. I go, don't you? When I went up there, I'm like, oh, my God. Now you're looking over all the rooftops of every neighbor and every tree. These pristine windows, they don't give a shit. I got these motherfuckers. And there's a hose downstairs because you come from the beach,

so you got to hose your feet off before you go inside. When you said you went to Long Beach Island. Long Beach, Jersey, sure. It really does something to my stomach in a good way. I didn't go down there that much, but I had a few friends that had houses down there. The one thing, you know, that I really did. would love you know when you say if i hit the if i win the million dollar lottery as you get older you go to todd that might not be a reality um you know i don't people laying in their deathbed are going

you know i'm 90 if i even the lottery grandpa you're not going to win the lottery um but i would i love the room for it meant the more the merrier that they had downstairs with like you know seven eight nine bunk beds right a few cubbies own bathroom so if you had some people coming in from out of town that's it i love that's it i love that my friend they had that and just going down to the the Wawa, the Wawa. They have Wawa there, right? Yeah, Wauas, yeah. Hokey Fest.

Going down the shore. I still want to go down the shore. You know, when I was younger, we went to Wawa, because I didn't know about Stone Harbor or Long Beach yet. Yeah. And I still want to go down there and stay one of those 1960 hotels. They're great. They're a little funky.

Yeah. Yeah, my one nephew is like, look, I know you're thinking about, like, fixing some stuff up at the house. And, you know, I'm kind of in charge of it now. And, like, you know, I just want everyone the same thing. to come, you know, all of them. Bring your kids with your dog, whatever. And he goes, but don't, like, I was looking at the bathroom

and it's that funky shower you were talking about, maybe ripping that out. He goes, it's kind of nice that it's weird. Did you take that to heed? Yeah, I got exactly what he's saying. Maybe re, you know, it's funny. There's a little funk, a little funk to it. Do you have a heart out?

No, no, I'm good. Okay. It's funny to say that because a friend of mine was thinking the same thing about the bathroom. And my suggestion, because I've seen it before maybe, was not in your case maybe, but for them because the tile was all in good shape, but it was like maybe just do cement on the floor.

And that way it gives it a retro look. Right. And I was so happy they sent me pictures like maybe six months later, they go, Ty, we did it. And I go, you love it? They go, yeah, we love it. Because it gave it. Same thing I told my sister-in-law when she had a barbershop

and she wanted to update it. It was her dad's barbershop. This is my sister-in-law. And she wanted to update it. SMARO, I think if you leave everything the same, but then you do highly polished cement floors, then it makes everything else look intentional and retro. Right, right. And so maybe with a bathroom, because I know I see it, I go on TikTok and Instagram and I see these people that are renovating their kitchens. Uh-huh. Anybody that spends 50,000, that's not as interesting to me. But when people go,

I have this bathroom, I don't know what to do with it, but I think for $1,000, we figured it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe they leave the tile, but they take out the old shower door and put in a piece of glass. Right. You know what I mean? Right. Exactly. It's thoughtfulness. It's just, yeah. But it's still reeks of that way. To just, you're right. To just toss money. Your cousin or nephew? My nephew. How old is he? Just roughly. Probably 30. Oh, okay. 28. That's, that's a, you know. He is thoughtful. Like he is, he kind of looks at things that way. Yeah. I always, I always kind of envy his. And I envy it because I don't have it. of like he takes a beat. He takes a beat, looks at it the way you operate. He kind of like, you know, I'm like, daub, daub, tap, da. Yeah. Let's just do it. And he's like, but did you consider this?

I'm like, oh, yeah, he's right. Oh, I love it. Yeah. How long did you go down there for? My grandparents, I used to go, that was like 40 years ago. And how long did you go down this time? Like, do you go down for? Just two weeks.

Two weeks. And you enjoy it? I love it. Do you ever go in the winter? Yeah. I love it. I did that once. September is amazing because everybody, the season's over,

but the weather's still summer, like, perfection. So you have everything, the beach to yourself. It's just all chill. But then to come back in the winter. It's great. It's so. When the lights are blinking and there's nobody around. Cozy as fuck.

I just, you bear the cold and you come inside. I went once. Nobody's around. My friend, this seems like something you'd see in a movie. I actually had a crush on this guy and he was a lifeguard and I knew him and he worked at my friend's bar and he invited me down there in the winter

and um he, oh no, first he invited me in the summer and he goes, Todd, I have to tell you something because we would, this, we would, he'd lifeguard in front of a big, like it was a big house and that woman had two kids and she would come out and always like give us water and stuff. She was just real sweet. And then one day he was Todd, I have to tell you something.

I thought he was going to tell me that he's gay. He goes, and I was like, as I had told him about me, it was one of the first people ever told about me. And he was awesome about it. It was like, he was just crazy. He was so awesome about it.

And he goes, I want to tell you something. I'm like, oh, what, what? And he goes, he goes, I've been fooling around with that woman. I was like, what? I'm like, it's not what I was hoping for. But it's a good story. But she would let us like, she would let us, like, she was, you know, that goes, that why she's been letting us go in her house and use the bedroom.

but she was a lot older. It's funny because then I was like 24. He was 22 or 21. Right. And she was younger to me. Sometimes I go back later and do the math. I think she was 30. Yeah.

And he was, don't seem that big of a difference. He's 22. She's 30. But she was married. Wow. Yeah. Jersey Shore.

I'm sure it was fun. Oh, yeah. For both of them. I knew it was fun for both of them because I was hoping one of them would be holy. No, I wasn't hoping. I was hoping I'd be her. I want to tell you something.

Going down there to the shore was when you told me we were there, I was like, I do love it. Yeah, it is. The winter thing, I'm glad that you went in the winter because I had always, that when I went, then I went back in the winter, and that was just like amazing. I was there in the spring, this last spring, because all the, there's this one main boulevard, and in the winter, all the lights go to blinking just to keep things moving because there's no one there. Yeah, no one way.

And I was there in the spring, and I was literally. at the light when it changed from blinking to regular. And I was like, oh, they're coming. They're coming. We can't have peace. And was the quarter deck there? The quarter deck, yeah. It's gone now.

It's gone now. They put a big hotel there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know when you first got into the island. Right, exactly. They have a surflight theater is like this little community theater. It's great. They bring young kids in, they work at the ice cream place,

and then they put on these shows. And they do all these great Broadway. shows and stuff. And one time I was down there, not too long ago, maybe 20 years ago, I, uh, the Smothers Brothers were playing there. And this, I mean, this is a little tiny, like, I literally was like Smothers Brothers and just like walked in the door in the middle of the show. Like it's that small kind of thing. Was it great? And it was, they're just, I mean, half full, small theater, half full. Like, and they're up there just doing their thing, you know, late in their career.

How old do you think they were then? Maybe about in our area now? I would say a little, no, older. Older? Older. Yeah. Yeah. But just still like they're in the surflight theater doing their act.

I mean, these guys were, you know, bigger than big. But back to like that thing of I love it more now. These guys just had the guitars and were up there. Yeah. They didn't have to do that. It was not for the money. And their comedy really stayed. Evergreen? Is that the word?

Yeah. That's why when people look back at their old work and they go, it goes a different time, you want to go, well, let's not write it all off to that because there were other artists doing it. Like, none of their works. Whenever you see like an old sitcom or something and it's evergreen, you go, that didn't happen by accident. That's who they were out of writing. That's who they were as people. Never happens by accident. No, no. But yeah, all their points of views and, oh, I didn't, I like them back then, but now later in life, when I, I go back and watch their stuff, I'm like, wow. Yeah.

That duo that worked, the younger, older guy. It still worked when he was 72 and the other guy. Mom liked you more. Yeah. And his innocence played well when he was 70 even, which was really magical. Yeah, maybe it has to do with talk about going full circle that he still was that little boy when he was 70. Right, that's right.

Were they real brothers or not? Yeah. They were real brothers. I'm saying with confidence, but now I'm. Yeah, Google it. Because just being asked, it made me doubt it. Yeah. But yeah, I think so.

Did you make this? No. It's okay. Say yes and we'll edit it in. No, what I do is, I flew in last night from the shore. I did Atlantic City on my way home. And then, so I didn't have time to bake for you. So when I can't bake, I get from Lodge Bread up in,

here's a debate. I'll ask you because you're the only one that will know. I did have one bread that I made that was frozen. I took it out of the freezer last night. And my wife was like, you can't give Todd frozen bread. It's not as good as the regular bread. I'm like, he won't care. He'll toast it.

It'll be all right. And it looked pretty good. She's like, you don't want them walking around thinking you make shitty bread. Oh. So how about? I got you lodge bread. Okay. Okay.

I think it, I like that she said it because maybe there is a teeny bit of a different. There will be. But now you got me a lodge, where's that? Lodge bread, there's one in Culver City. No, no, I mean, is this the one? This is it. Oh, cool. Oh, cool.

Oh, nice. This is your gift. Good, good. Yeah. Good. Now, would you rather have this beautiful fresh bread or mine that was previously frozen? You know what? Why, where is that one?

At my house. Well, no, we can't get that one now. You can't, but I just want to know. I don't want to lie to you know. I would have chosen that one. You would have? Yeah, yeah. I would have chose that one.

But your wife's not wrong. Two things can be true. Yes, absolutely. Two things can be true. And is there, like, when you make it for the guess, is it made like that morning or the night before? I usually make it, yeah, the night before that morning. Then I was going to say that your wife. I made this, froze it.

I mean, on the road for a month. I bet it's still pretty good. It's still better than other people's bread. Remember Kevin Meaney? But these guys are fantastic. Oh, Kevin Meaney. About frozen? He goes, oh, my great.

grandmother, you want a piece of wedding cake? It's been in the freezer for 30 years. He goes, hmm, wonder how many blackouts have been through. Mmm, grandma, wonder how many blackouts have been through. Brothers?

Brothers, yeah. Brothers. Cool. Brothers. What are you doing the den? I'm so sorry about that. For five times when my phone blinked, I wanted to turn it off and I never did. I thought it would take me out of the, out of the

moment. My daughter, when my daughter calls me, I have to pick up or she's just going to go into an assault mode and she just do it repeatedly. I'm going to be in Beverly, Massachusetts, at a place called, oh, I can't even say the name of it. It's hard to say, but I'm very excited about it. It's called the, not the cabaret, but look, it's the place in Beverly. Okay. I can go to my website and see it. I'm going to be there in September. Nice. A quick plug to that in September. And then October of Montreal. Oh, Montreal. Yeah. in October, Montreal. And then in November, I'll be at the Den in Chicago. The other two shows, I will just be me.

And I do some music and stuff, but it's just me. And then, but Chicago is the whole band. And at the Den, which, like I said, like, you know, I know Gary Goldman was just there and John Mullaney, and they all raved their wrath. Everybody's like, you're going to love this place. And I'm excited. Yeah.

Everything everyone says about it. it is everything I need. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there we go. That mountain goat joke is so funny. The mountain goat when you're telling this. Can I? Can I? Can I? Yep, do it.

Well, you know, look, it was so long ago, but I've been doing the joke for about a year. It was that it really bothered me that she said that mountain goats like, basically like to live on the side of mountains. And like, again, sometimes when you go to retell these stories, you use verbage is different because my vocabulary is different now. But the sentiment of it, but, but, by a, I think I was in third grade then, was I don't think they like it.

I think they can, and then, and then, like, I brought it up again because I couldn't let it go. And I said, I think they can just be there because I'm trying to say they can exist. They're short-footed so they can go hide from other animals, which saves them to not get killed. I don't think they like it.

And I tried to explain to her that if you had a big field and then you put a mountain and there was just no other animals there to kill them, I don't think they're ever going to just stand on the side of the mountain. They just go there to not be killed. They don't like it. And I'm right. I am right.

Years later, I can say, I'm right. There's no way. They're just doing it to exist. I don't like it. I love that they're looking up at a mountain going. I could go up there. Yeah, and watch my friends fall to their death occasionally. You're the best.

Thanks for doing this. Tom, I love you. And thank you for having me on. Come back in Chicago, everybody. And I'll bake you bread next time. Thank you.