Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 45 - Kira Soltanovich Returns
Episode Date: March 16, 2021Breaking bread live and in person with one of our favorite people, the very funny Kira Soltanovich and we grab a Quick Bite with our good pal Dave Koechner who drops a bombshell on us! Learn more abou...t your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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It's time for breaking bread with Papa.
Hey!
Don't you know?
Hey, it's our goal.
Hey, it's time for Breaking Bread with Papa.
Hey, don't you know?
Hey, it's also a show.
Hey!
Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa.
I am Tom Papa.
It's so nice to spend some time with you.
Thank you for coming along.
If my voice sounds a little rough this morning, I apologize.
I did some live zoomy shows for the Gilda Festival, Gilda Radner, great cause.
But I talked for like three hours.
So I apologize if I sound a little grumbly today.
We have an amazing show for you.
We've got, we head back into the studio, guys.
We had back into the studio.
You know, the beginning of this podcast, the whole idea.
was that we would literally sit and break bread with people.
And my good pals at all things comedy built me this nice little set.
It's like a little restaurant hideaway.
It's perfect.
And you go and you sit there and you literally give your guests some bread and some treats
and some wine and celebrate life.
And then, of course, we were sent back to our homes and told we couldn't do that for a while.
But we are going back today, and I figured who better than one of the people that did the original,
the very popular, very funny, Kira Soltanovich.
Kira is one of my favorite people on the planet.
She's super, super funny.
She was one of our early guests in the studio, and she's just a delight I could have her on every week,
maybe every other week. Let's not get carried away. Maybe every three weeks. She's the best. And we're going to go
drive over to the studio. I'm starting this off at home. And then we're going to drive over to the studio
and spend some time with Kira. And then we're going to get a quick bite with Dave Kekner,
who was also, he was actually the last person, I think, in the studio. So great. Of course,
you know I'm from Anchorman in the office and a zillion, zillion thing.
and he's a really good friend of mine, and he is going to tell you a crazy COVID story.
I didn't even know what it was.
We didn't prep for it, but he drops it in the middle of this.
It's a little quick bite when we give a phone call to Dave Keckner.
You're going to want to hear that for sure.
I'd like to thank our sponsors today, Helix Mattress, our good pals at Helix.
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You tell them everything that you need as a sleeper, everything you prefer when you lay there in bed and try and get some shut-eye.
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That's helix sleep.com slash papa.
We'll talk a little bit more about them later,
but you can't lose.
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And they make it very easy for you to try everything out
at no cost to you.
Well, there's a cost, but I mean the trying out. You can't lose. If you don't like it, you can send it back.
We'll talk about it later. I also would like to thank our other sponsor, Tom Papa. Very funny comedian.
He has a live streaming show on the 27th of March, which is in a couple Saturdays.
anywhere you hear my voice, you can stream a new stand-up set plus a hang afterwards where we will be
breaking bread together and I think cranking out some martinis is the way I'm going to go.
I could go red wine, but that doesn't seem as celebratory.
Stand-up show, very funny, from here, and then martinis will interact, will hang.
that's on March 27th.
Go to my, any of my stuff will lead you to the tickets.
It's on tompapa.com.
It's at rushticks.com.
And it's going to be a great time.
I really hope you get to come along
because it really is going to kick off my return to comedy.
I've taken a couple months off.
I've been good.
I was able to get out more than most comedians
during the pandemic.
But I've been off for a bit.
and now I really feel like this is going to be the big celebration, and then we head out in April.
Omaha, Nebraska is going to be the first live one.
Then I go to Kansas City, Missouri after that.
And then I've got Portland.
I've got some other things coming.
It's kind of exciting.
We're talking about real dates.
Oh, this is very, very exciting.
What have I been doing this week?
What have I been eating this week?
What have you been eating this week?
Are you sick of takeout containers?
I am. Everything seems to be opening up a little bit more. We are able to go out to eat.
It's kind of this weird thing where you've been ordering in food a lot and also cooking a lot.
It'd be nice to kind of strike that balance again, where you give yourself some relief from doing
your own dishes and get to go out for something nice, but you also don't want to eat out and go
crazy and have so many containers and all the rest of it where you're not, sometimes it's just
worth doing the dishes. I haven't done anything really exciting. I did go out for a meal at one of
my favorite Italian restaurants and they had black truffles on the menu. So I had a tagliotoni with,
taglione with black truffles sauce. Guy comes over the table. He's got a big truffle and he shaves it
on top of your cheesy, creamy pasta.
I was like, well, I'm not making that at home.
Why should I just order something that I eat at home?
So I went for it.
And yeah, earthy goodness.
I find that people, my wife does not like truffles.
Truffles kind of feels like it's in that category of like cilantro,
which cilantro is like a genetic thing.
If you don't like cilantro, it's just the way that you're built.
Truffle, I feel, is a little bit more of an attitude.
thing. My wife, maybe she thinks it's snotty, snobbish to like truffles. Yeah, maybe, but when do you get
truffles? Some pig went and found this in the woods and it gets its way to my hometown and
some man comes over and announces himself as the truffle man and puts it on your pasta.
I don't think that's snobbish. I think that's worth the price of admission. The one cooking
thing that I did. I didn't even do it. But I was flipping around and I saw on, I think on Amazon,
they had Julia Child. Her show is in reruns perpetually. It's so funny to see this black and
white Julia Child's show. Anything that's out there on social media, any TikTok, any kind of
social media thing going on, any, anything that's happening. Anything that's happening.
with people showing you how to cook food.
She was doing before everybody else.
It's hilarious.
And it really shows you with a level of skill
that it just surpasses any Instagram cute thing
that people are showing you how to make their stuff.
I'm all for that.
I like that expression.
Don't act like you really know what you're doing
unless you really do.
Just because the technology,
There's there.
It doesn't mean you, you just watch Julia Childs just talk about vegetables, just the way she was making vegetables.
You know, the training, the know-how, mind-blowing.
And you got to appreciate an era where, it's probably not just an era, it's probably just French cooking,
but where every vegetable that's made is made with a barrel of butter.
just a barrel of butter cutting up carrots putting them in this little sauce pot big wad of butter just letting
that cook down string beans more butter this stuffed mushrooms it's like what are we going to do
with mushrooms we're going to what are we going to do with those well we're going to we're going to
mush them up good and we're going to dice up the stems and we're going to mix it with flour and
butter and butter and butter and butter
and throw that all in, and we're going to bake it, and then we're going to, oh, it's going to be
delicious. And then she grabs a chicken and starts flipping it around, like it's a newborn at the
maternity war, just slapping it around. No pretense, no, no, the dishes end up being kind of
fancy, I guess, but she doesn't act that way. And there's just like a no apology, no,
there's not one moment where she's, well, I know that this might be for, for your diet,
it might not be right and you may have a condition and you may not be able to eat this and this
will be fattening. No, none of it. It's so freeing just to make stuff that tastes good.
That's all it is. There's no considering everybody's needs, everybody's wants, everybody's
afflictions. It's like, yeah, if you got it, you don't deal. We're not even talking about it.
We're not even going to talk about your dietary needs.
This is what we do.
We make this stuff.
Get on board or don't.
What a great, great way to live.
It's such a basic thing.
But we really have gone to this level of making every single person's nuance and needs important.
They're not. I mean, they are, but that's up to you. That's your journey. We don't have to go on your journey. You have a gluten problem. You think you're putting on too much weight. Cream makes you break out in pimples. All right. That's, keep it to yourself. That's what it really comes down to is an era of people just keeping their own things to themselves. Oh, more butter. Oh, this is going to be glorious. It's so amazing.
I recommend watching them because you learn a lot.
Just the way that she shows you how to cut vegetables,
just the way she holds her knife, just the basics.
You're just like, I should be writing all of this down.
I think it's on Amazon, black and white.
You may not get through the whole episodes.
It's dated.
I mean, it's slow and you may not.
But if you love to cook, just look up something that you might want to make
and let her take you down the road.
Okay, so this is what,
what's going to happen.
In real life, I'm going to get in the car, I'm going to drive.
I'm going to go see Kira at the studio.
Then I'm going to call Dave Kekner and get a quick bite.
And then I'm going to come back here and put the whole show together.
This is very exciting.
Look, soon we'll be doing the whole thing there.
It doesn't matter.
If you're on YouTube and you're seeing the videos, you'll understand what the big deal is.
If you are just listening, it'll be better quality because we're there together for sure.
But I'm going to go.
I'm going to stop at an Italian deli, pick up some treats for Kira.
Can't wait to see her.
Sit down.
Have a great conversation.
And then we'll grab a quick bite with Dave Kekner.
All right.
Let's get to it.
This is so exciting.
You're just going to keep listening.
And in two seconds, you're going to hear me and Kira.
Kira and I
But I have to get in the car and drive and do things
This is very exciting
Guys, we're coming out of the pandemic
All right
I didn't do an intro
Let me just tell you a little bit about Kira
Just look her up on YouTube
Look her up, look up all over comedy
Watch her series, Let's Get Sweat
Kira and I
She is a
a Russian health guru in a lot of ways.
And she took me along to these Russian baths.
And she has this funny, funny series because she loves sauna and she loves all that
stuff so much.
She created a series called Let's Get Sweat.
Look it up.
Kira Sultanovich, K-I-R-A-Sultanovich, figure it out on your own.
All right.
We'll be right back.
I brought you some treats.
I appreciate all the carbs that you bring into my life.
And I know you like to make the fun.
You like to make the jokes and you have a skit about bread and carbs.
But I really feel like a sloth after I eat.
I just want to hang upside.
down in a tree, like a U-shape.
I know.
I just can't do it.
It's not even like in a fad way.
No, I know what you mean.
Like my doctor said I have celiac.
It's not.
I don't go to a doctor.
I don't have, I go to my kids pediatrician,
and then I ask a few questions about perimenopause.
That's it.
I don't have time for my own health.
Yeah.
And I love this.
And it's, it looks amazing.
But it's kind of like cheating on your spouse.
where you're like, well, it wouldn't hurt, right?
No one's going to.
No one will know.
And then I have to look at myself in the mirror.
And carry that with me.
Yeah.
And it's not worth it for what?
Two minutes of pleasure.
It's so interesting.
And first of all, thank you for coming.
Because this is really what the show is intended to be.
People yelling at you about bread and carbs?
No, it was about being with the people.
that I love and like sharing and doing and being together.
And it was like, oh, you should be on, you know, once every two weeks.
I think so.
And when I, so on the way over, I remember last time I gave you bread and we had a bunch
of pastures and we just sent them home for your children.
Yes.
And I was in this Italian deli.
Last time was Russian.
This time I was like, let me go Italian.
And I had a number in my hand.
And it's a popular place in Burbank.
and it's always packed.
And I had a number and I was three from it and I had to get here and I was going to get coffee.
And I knew in my soul that I should be getting some cheese and maybe some pepperoni and some of those meats and cheesy protein things.
And you would, I sensed, would have been overjoyed.
Yeah.
Throw in a couple olives and those little gherkins.
Yeah.
I'm just saying.
All right.
Next time we'll do that.
Next time.
Charchisserie.
What is it called?
Charcuttery.
Charcoutary.
But charcuttery, here would be the problem.
Mm-hmm.
Not great with coffee.
Yes, in a traditional sense.
But I mix everything with coffee.
It drives my husband crazy.
He is very specific what you can and cannot eat with coffee.
Yeah.
And I will have pizza with coffee.
I will.
do all meatballs i'll do everything with coffee coffee coffee is like you know table water for me
i know so yes you're right yeah it would be weird though i'm with your husband that it would be
weird to be right now yes a bite of pepperoni and some latte and some yeah i get it yeah it's not
for everyone yeah but for me yeah i love it so and it's very i don't even want to touch it because
it's very aesthetically pleasing the way there's light colors down here i took like half a
semester of art and it draws your eye and then the checkerboard.
They only get it on the wide shot.
So if it's on us,
okay, then people have no idea what I'm talking about.
You can just play with it and not eat it.
Ah, I can pretend.
I can nibble.
I mean, a scone, though, is, no, don't.
It is the most cruel and abhorrent thing I've ever come into contact with.
Because it's sneaky?
What do you mean by sneaky?
Do you mean it's trying to murder you?
Because it's dressed up as something that's not as sweet as the rest of the plate,
but it actually probably is more so.
No.
Well, I don't know about this scone, but most scones are like chicks that dress up to go to a club, you know?
And they're wearing like the spanks and they are all glittery and they have the makeup.
And then you get them home and you're gagging.
Oh, no.
And it's, no, scones are dry desert.
This is a dry desert.
in your mouth. I know, but that's what I like. Oh, I like, I like plane. When it comes to baked goods,
I like the plane. This actually, I bought it the last minute because this is what would be in my
grandmother's house. Yes. And this was her idea of a cookie. And I was like, that's not a cookie. This is
a stella doro. Right. It's a paperweight. Paperweight. Yeah. Yeah. And, but.
But it smells like your childhood. It smells like my childhood. What does it smell like to you?
Oh my gosh.
It smells like if I were to smell your grandmother's pits, it smells sweet.
This is nice.
This is a good compliment.
This is not rude.
Right.
My grandmother's pits?
It's old Italian woman's armpits, just from baking all day and just.
And you're like at her mercy, you've got to go in for the hug and you're at pit level.
No, this is great.
It's so good.
Oh, no.
It's fantastic.
It's a great smell.
And it's not an endorsement.
The Stellador of people, if you want to jump on the, on the,
on the breaking bread.
I thought you said,
an endorsement to smelling pits.
We do not endorse smelling pits on this show,
children, if your children are watching.
This one I feel bad about,
because this I saw in the deli,
and this is this amoretta cookie.
And I bought it just to show you this story.
They come normally wrapped in this very fine paper.
Yeah.
And it's a family tradition.
my house where you unwrap it.
And this is just in plastic.
They have little bits of the cookie.
You make a tube out of the paper.
Okay.
And then the whole family would gather around on Christmas.
And you would light the paper.
And it burns down.
And once it burns down, it's so light.
Now with the ash, it floats up.
If it hits the ceiling, you will have good luck for the year.
I love that.
That's just what Jesus intended.
Jesus love games.
A lot of people don't know that about Jesus.
Do people eat that bread cake, that Italian, it's a...
Giambela?
Yeah, where you cut it.
It's like raisins.
Oh, the pan atone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that one.
You know what?
Is that a thing?
They buy it every year.
Yeah.
They buy it, they trade it.
They give it as gifts.
No one eats it.
No one eats it.
No one eats it.
This year, I bought it for myself because it is such a beautiful box.
Yeah.
And I bought it.
And if you read the label, like I bought it in 2020, November 2020, and they said on the label, like, good until the apocalypse, which we're estimating 2050.
Yeah.
And so I brought it along in January.
We went away for a weekend.
And they're like, oh, Dad's bringing the pan of tone, or as they called it, the creepy bread.
And I opened it up, and I'm like, this is kind of weird.
It's kind of spongy.
But then I sliced it.
Yeah.
And I toasted it and put butter on it.
I guess what you could, now that I'm saying it out loud, you could do that with anything
and toast it and put butter on it and you're going to be in good spot.
Armpits with butter is my favorite.
I like armpits.
I think I smelled yours or I licked yours.
I think.
Or no, just maybe like you're just your neck.
I don't think you licked it.
Yeah.
I like to smell people's armpits.
I'm quirky.
I was thinking about you because I think you'll be proud of me, but not in a minor way.
Okay.
You are all things cleansing, saunas, steam rooms, the whole thing, scrubs.
So I got, I have none of this in my house.
I've been trying to get my wife to let me get a tiny sauna that's smaller than this.
Yeah.
We could just like stick in the corner of their deck and it hasn't been well received.
But what I did get was this coarse brush.
Okay.
And then just with dry skin.
Yeah.
You, because I think I saw you talking about this.
Yeah, you stimulate your circulation.
You actually start sweating.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, not like a sweat, sweat, but.
You know, as a psychic Russian gypsy, I sat down and I said,
said to you many times. What did I say?
You look good.
Yes. That's what I'm picking up on. That's the glow. You think that's what it is from the magic
brush? Yes. I thought. Well, first I said, never call me again. That was the very first thing
I said. No, I said, I'll bring salami. I said, you, you look really good. What's happening?
Like, I asked you, have you been to a Banya? You look very like you have a glow.
I pick up, I'm a weirdo. So I pick up on that kind of stuff. So that must be.
what I'm picking up on. I don't think you're right.
On two regards. One, I don't think I look that great. Second, I also think the brush I use pretty
infrequently. I'm not brushing myself every day. You don't need to brush yourself every day.
Yeah. You do once or twice a week. Yeah. Or every couple weeks.
Has your wife been to a sauna? She loves steam. Okay. She'll go sauna. Yeah. But she,
put her in a hot steam.
Okay.
She will like, she gets like angry about it.
Like she wants to beat everyone in there.
She wants to stay in there longer than everyone.
That's perfect.
I'm like a 15, like they say don't, don't do like 20 minutes.
I'm like 10, 12 and 15 maybe I'm out.
Think about building a steam.
You can build an outdoor steam room.
It's just a kettle with walls.
I have a, I have a.
A steam shower in your house?
It's close.
Like it wouldn't take much to change it.
No, you need a real...
It's a big square glass enclosed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get a steam room outside.
Steam room outside.
Outside next to the pool.
Mm-hmm.
What would that look like?
It's a rectangle.
It doesn't have to be big.
Like a box?
Yeah.
Like where they keep veal calves?
Exactly.
I don't know.
I don't know what that is.
But that you can shield and then now you've compromised.
And then you do your brushing in the steam room.
Oh, my God.
God, I'm going to touch myself. That is the best. That is the best. That's what you do.
Yeah. All right. All right. I'll look up steam things on the iPad. Look, if you got amaretto cash,
you got amaretty, whatever. If you got amoretti cash, you got steam room cash. That is very
perceptive of you because the amoretta cookies cost more than the bottle of wine. Of course they did.
Because I wasn't sure if we were going to have wine and I was like, well, a nice Keanu, but it's not very
expensive. And there's this little box of cookies. Yeah, because I'm a gypsy. I know. Yes. And I actually do like those. I have had those. Those are good. But I'm not having them now. Well, they're very crunchy. Yeah, that's a thing. You don't want to crunch on your show. I know. But the scones go down easy. No, they don't. The scones are like if a desert fox shit in your mouth and it's just dust and sand. Come on. That is 100%. What are you looking for from a pastry?
I don't want dryness.
Oh, it's nice, though, because then the coffee comes in.
And it can do that with something moist.
I don't understand.
You seem like a reasonable person.
I am reasonable.
I'm very unreasonable when it comes to the term moist.
I don't like that.
I don't like that word.
I don't like that word.
Again, I like sweating, so I don't mind moist.
So you were, you almost didn't make it today because of scheduling and stuff,
and you were like, I've got to, I've got to.
to get away from my house for a minute.
I'll come.
I'm going to make it happen.
I'm going to drop the kids somewhere.
How has it been going since I saw you last?
Because all the kids, they're not back in school yet.
No, no.
Just starting maybe, a couple days a week or anything?
I think I'm just going to homeschool them.
I'm just going to, no, I pulled them out of.
Oh, they're out of the system?
They're out of the system.
So I pulled them out.
And I'm homeschooling them, which is hilarious if you know anything about.
help me because I'm learning alongside with them. I'm like, that's a femur? What? Patella. Come on. I'm learning,
but I'm making it, I'm, you know, kind of pretending like I know what I'm talking about. My 10-year-old is
on to me. I couldn't do basic long division. Oh, boy. Well, they don't do it the way we did.
Right, right? But even the way I did, I can't remember anything. But I'm much happier. I'm much happier,
because I could not take any more,
sit down and listen to your teacher on the computer.
Like, I just couldn't say those words anymore.
It was just driving me crazy.
And our house is a little bit more calm.
It's still crazy and hectic because my kids are dicks.
So they're not nice to each other.
So there's still that craziness,
but at least one thing is eliminated.
So you just saw that that situation was not working
and I'm taking this into my own hands.
My 10-year-old is Google imaging Lego boxes, like, of different.
Like, that's what he's doing.
While he's zooming, you mean?
Yeah.
Well, he's supposed to be on the Zoom classroom.
He's on Google.
Thank God it's just Lego.
But, like, different boxes of Legos.
And I'm walking behind him and I feel like I'm, you know, catching a spouse or a boyfriend.
You know, I'm like, what are you looking up?
He's like, oh, nothing.
We're in U.S. history.
We're learning about, oh, parliament.
and parliament, that's not even our history.
Congress, this is how bad I am at homeschooling.
My daughter is in high school,
and they have a policy where you don't have to have your camera on.
So she feels bad.
I hope I kind of instigated some of it.
I was like, you know, you got to show them your face.
So there's like two kids out of 20 with their camera on.
And then when they do make them turn it on,
all the kids' heads are just,
Yeah.
Because they're all on their phone.
They're all on their phones.
Tweeting what an ass you are and all the rest of it.
It really is kind of cruel to these teachers.
But I don't think the camera should be on because I don't want everyone knowing what's
happening in our house.
You know, I walk by and I have, oh, here's something my five-year-old did.
So she's also, she was on Zoom.
And I get out of the shower and she brought her iPad into the bathroom to be with me.
and I open up the curtain of the shop and she's right there with everyone her whole classroom.
Saw you?
Yes.
It's great.
So, yeah, maybe turn off the video.
I'm homeschooling them now.
So when you took them out, do you feel like, is there, are you following any, like, do you have a book?
Is there anything that, like, do you know what they're supposed to be learning at this point?
Are you making it up?
The five-year-old are not worried about.
Right.
Can you read, Cat?
Great.
you're going to be fine.
Yeah.
The fourth grader,
yes.
So there are many ways you can do this.
And I feel like I'm one of those crazy, like,
Mormons who wants to, you know,
who's on a mission, like in a short sleeve dress shirt on a bike.
A little bonnet.
Come join me and all my homeschool friends,
but I am that person now.
You are?
So, yes, there are many curriculum that you can choose from.
I am, we're doing, it's called, like, unschool.
And where I let my kid choose what.
he wants to learn.
Now, we have to do math every day.
Right.
And we have to do science and reading and grammar and that kind of stuff.
Uh-huh.
So that's, but other than that.
It's his interest.
It's his interest.
It's pretty great.
And so we're exploring like animals and we're doing human body and we're doing, you know,
whatever, what do you want to talk about?
He wants to, he wants to find out about all these different animals, right?
Like I mentioned sloth.
He wants to.
So I found, please still love me after this, I found an animal communicator.
Yeah.
Who's going to talk to us through a sloth and tell us what a sloth thinks every day.
Like a pet psychic?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh no.
Yes, yes.
Wait a minute.
Do they advertise themselves as being able to tell you what the sloth is really thinking?
Yes.
They're not just saying.
Sloths like to live in trees.
No, no, they're like, we're going to ask the sloth.
This is schedule.
This is on our homeschool schedule.
We're going to ask the sloth.
Like, so how do you feel about being in a tree all the time?
They only get out of a tree like once or twice a week to relieve themselves.
Like, we have a list of questions.
And then the communicator is going to tell us what the sloth says.
Yeah.
Now, we'll.
Yes.
How will the communicator translate the information from you to the sloth?
Over a phone.
It's this really cool invention.
What do you mean?
we're talking to her on the phone.
But is she talking to the sloth?
Yeah, so she communicates.
She has a sloth?
No.
No.
No.
Okay.
She's going to communicate with a sloth at the L.A. zoo.
His name is Charlie.
Yes, this is real.
So she'll be on a cell?
I think I need to start my own school.
I'm feeling really excited about this.
I wouldn't get ahead of yourself.
I think so.
I would hold on a second.
It sounds pretty amazing.
She's going to be walking around the zoo with their smartphone.
Yeah.
And then you're going to ask the questions and she's going to show you,
if I'm FaceTime.
She's going to look at the sloth.
Right.
And she's going to think to the sloth and the sloth is going to say, I like moss growing on me.
I don't know what a sloth says.
That's why I'm getting the communicator, Tom.
This is amazing.
Yeah.
And then he's going to have to write a report.
What if he's dirty?
What if he's a dirty sloth?
Oh my God.
I will love it.
You just see the communicator's eyes.
Yeah.
I like to snap one off in the morning.
I can't.
Why do you think of hiding in the tree?
Maybe.
And that will also count as anatomy for the day for my son.
Yeah.
Wow.
What made you decide to get a communicator?
I'm trying to think outside the box.
You're just a creative teacher.
Think outside the Zoom.
What's going to happen next year when the kids, when mom has to go on the road?
Yeah.
Are the kids going back to school?
Yes, for sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For sure.
I mean, and let's hope they're going to be open.
I think they are.
Yeah.
I think so too.
Yeah.
It's moving quickly.
I mean, it's already, I think they're going to be back.
for like the last couple of months
this year.
Yeah, maybe.
But at this point I'm just like,
let's just finish up this sloth thing
that we have going and then
we're gonna ride this out.
It's whatever he wants to learn about.
He wants to talk to the sloth.
He's obsessed with animals.
Uh-huh.
Like, he wants to learn about,
there are thousands of species of ants.
Did you know that?
I did know that.
And he wants to learn about all of them.
He does?
So we got a lot to do before June.
He wants to learn.
I go great.
Let's do it.
But also, you know, long division.
All right.
So when you were saying, no, I'm getting out of the house, I'm coming.
Yeah.
We'll break bed today.
Yeah.
The picture that you're painting is that the kids are just sitting there
studying about sloths with a number two pencil and being very well behaved.
So, no, they're not.
They're, you know, not.
not listening as normal.
Like, it's like normal.
Do they respect you as a teacher?
No.
Yeah, your mom.
Zero.
Zero respect.
And I told them.
Who is the least respect?
Both of them are douchebags.
I mean, I'm just being honest.
They just both are, you know?
And, and, but they're doing it because, um, the minute they stop respecting me.
Yeah.
I tell them, this, these are the rules of the house.
Um, you don't respect me.
Like, again, I let you, whatever you want to study about in the extra
curricular world. I'm there. Let's go for it. We have to do the basics. We have to do the basics.
You don't want to be that one kid that's like he can't spell his name. So we do the basics.
And then whatever else you want to talk about, I don't care. You want to talk about Kianti?
That's great. Let's do it. The minute you stop respecting the basics, I'm out and I've done this
twice now where I go, okay, great, no homeschool. And they're like, yeah, we won. And I go,
and no television and no playing and know this and no video game and no nothing oh boy that's a
rough night so it lasts for like 48 hours and then they're like we're ready to homeschool oh really
yeah oh wow and we're back and we're back 48 hours they can write out that prison sentence for
48 hours yeah my 10 year old then they run out of stuff to do well they yeah he he started talking back
and i said look i'm not going to i'm not employed by you i don't get like a w-2 you you know
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not going to do your laundry because you're speaking to me poorly.
Right.
You're not being respectful to me.
Oh, good.
So I stopped doing his laundry.
And I'm not kidding you.
One night, I even tweeted this, he went to bed in an apron.
I mean, he ran out of clothes and he was like, he wore a swim shirt with some ski pants.
You know those bips, those ski bips?
That was one of his outfits one day.
Like he was going through his sister's closet.
I love the idea of him walking out.
I got her.
Yeah.
This is good.
Yeah, he taught me.
And then he was like, hey, I don't have any clean underwear.
And I was like, I taught you how to do laundry.
Yeah.
And so one day I ran an errand and I came back and his laundry was in the wash.
And I looked at my husband.
He's like, he wanted to do so he did his laundry.
And then, you know.
And where's your husband during all?
this. He's home. He's home. Is he have any, is he a science teacher? Is he have any duty? Is he
the gym coach? Here's the thing. He is much smarter than I am. But no patience to teach.
Smart enough to know he shouldn't be teaching. Yeah. So he's really smart. Yeah. And I am a comic and I tell
dick jokes. But I have patience and he doesn't. So I kind of win. Right. So he has. So he doesn't
participate in the homeschool part of it. Very rarely. Very rarely. There are a couple,
he's a smarty pants. There are a couple like math things where I'm like, I need help. Oh, yeah.
I don't know anything. No. I went, I was with, uh, I wasn't homeschooling. I was just in the orbit.
Yeah. And the kids learn really quickly that we don't ask dad math. Yeah. I can do stand-up comedy math.
Here's the math problem I can do. If someone books you to do 20 minutes and they promise you
chicken fingers and you do 30 minutes, do they also owe you nachos?
Right.
Answers, three-fourths.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I don't know anything.
And then they give you money at the end and you just assume it's right.
Yeah.
You just go.
All right.
That's it.
Next town, next village.
And on top of my kids, I don't know if I've told you this.
Well, I have.
I'm taking care of my mom.
Yeah, yeah.
How's she doing?
But her care is dependent on a teacher.
system. So the more care they need, the more they charge you. Did you know this? No. Like if they need help
with everything, it's really expensive. But if the people can get dressed on their own, then it's a little bit
less. If they need help, like getting in and out of bed every single time, or if they don't, right,
it's less, it's less. So I haven't been working. So I haven't been able to pay all of these
tears. So now I got to go in there.
Oh, you have to do the services?
And she needs a suppository every few days.
No.
So I have to don a glove.
Oh, no.
No, this is real.
Okay, and you're going to listen to it.
I want to eat scones.
You can eat scones after this.
No.
And I am not a doctor.
I'm not medically trained, but I have to put a suppository up my mom's bottom.
And as I'm in there, two knuckles deep, she's criticized.
sizing me. Why don't you wear more makeup? I'm two knuckles deep inside of you. Maybe save this
for when I'm done with why, you know, and she's like, you have to put some more conditioner
in your head. It's like dry, like a scone. All right, because you opened it up and I have a
question. Yeah. And I normally wouldn't ask it because it seems somewhat invasive.
Yeah. What is she doing when you're putting this in? Is she just leaning against the wall?
Yeah.
Is she?
Mostly criticizing.
On her back?
Mostly yelling at me.
Standing up?
Yeah, standing up.
And I go, okay, you know, you got to squat a little.
Uh-huh.
And I, you know, I'm face to face with it too.
Wow.
Whoa.
Jeez, Louise.
I got to get back to work.
Yeah.
So I can afford for someone else to do this.
So we're going to be doing this podcast for the next four days.
Please.
Wow.
Yeah.
But she's kind of like a strange case.
Like she's healthier than like she seems to go back and forth between needing help and not needing help.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's all very.
It's rough.
It is very rough.
It's dependent on the environment.
You know, if I, if she's in an environment that's very like active, but since COVID, everything's shut down.
And so she's shut down.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I'm, you know, putting lube on my finger.
Oh, my God.
You there every day?
No.
Oh, because I can't.
They won't let me.
Oh.
Once in a while.
Jeez, Louise.
Yeah.
Man, Kira, you, uh, you're strong.
I've always said that about you.
But then you always throw it.
It makes me think you're even stronger.
Because like for a while you were commuting to the Bay Area to take care of your mom.
Like it was driving to the local store.
Yeah, yeah.
I did it for about nine months every two weeks.
Wow.
Yeah.
And sometimes just for the day.
Yeah.
I know, in the back.
But the guilt is strong.
So I have to.
Right?
Like, I have to.
It's all empowered by guilt.
I mean, what do you do?
You know, I don't know.
What do you do when your parents, it's hard to watch your parents get old.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Everyone around you, you know, you have kids that you're still raising, taking care of.
And then parents that now need you.
Yeah.
And I'm like, when do I get my mustache taken care?
Like, when do I take care of me in these chin hairs?
Yeah.
It's no joke.
Yeah.
Well, when you go back to work, then you can just throw cash at it.
I can't wait.
Is there someone whose job is just to do suppositories?
I think that would be a pretty...
People would pay for that.
Yeah.
Just to walk around town with his glove on.
Yeah.
I mean, that seems like a good business.
You ever see Jim Brewer's stuff about his dad?
No.
Oh, my God.
Is it intense?
I like him.
He's great.
Jim's great.
Yeah.
And he has this whole run.
I think his father is...
he might still be around or maybe they passed i don't know but dealing with this kind of stuff
there's a joke he tells about his father like literally up against the wall and because he's had an
accident and joe's and uh jim's got to hose him down yes like with he's got like the hose and
his dad is yelling at him and all this i mean it's very similar stuff and it really is just it's
gut wrenching and hilarious yeah yeah it's a rough spot it's a really rough spot it's a really rough
spot. You know, I have, I have friends who lost their parents early, you know, for whatever reason.
And one of them was saying, you know, it was really, really hard, but I don't know if it's harder
than dealing with those real rough, long ending. Because you don't know. This could be, so she's
79. Uh-huh. This could be for another 20 years. Yeah, easy. Yeah. I think you should,
maybe don't do the suppository and see what happens.
I mean, trust me, if it was, if it was up to me, I've done, I mean, I'm going to go listen
to Jim and, and feel better about myself, but I've done, I've done the showers.
I've had to massage her like, while she's on the toilet because she's like, I need you,
I need someone to massage me.
I go, that's not how it works, just to let you know.
Me massaging you doesn't help it.
No.
What are you going to do?
Yeah, maybe just give her some the right foods.
Everything.
I've tried everything.
You've tried everything.
You know me.
I'm a crazy person.
Tabuli?
Have you tried to bully?
What?
No.
No.
But I've, you know, I do all the stuff.
You know, if you open up my, you've seen my cupboard, right, in my house.
No.
It's all like full of like, you know, daylings, chicken bones and, you know, I mean, crystals.
And like, you open it up and it's like, smoke comes out.
Like, I'm very.
Yeah.
You know, I don't dress it.
Right.
But I'm super like, everybody who wants some more petulia.
Like, I am that.
I am that.
Right, right.
Everything.
I know, you know, because a lot of your posts during this whole year have been kind of
coaching people like how to take care of themselves.
Like what just, just do these simple things.
It's like you get annoyed with how people are not even just doing the basics to take
care of themselves.
Zank.
Yeah.
It's really not a lot.
You can get them in gummies.
Oh my God.
Everything is in gummies.
I know.
Get them in suppository.
I don't care.
By the way, I did get her CBD suppositories.
I was like, let's do two birds, one suppository.
Did she know?
Chill the F out.
Did she, did it work?
I did tell her.
Yeah.
I felt like you kind of have to disclose that.
On our way, on my way over.
And I was thinking of like, what bakery should I stop at?
And then of course, L.A. now is you're looking for bakeries and you're passing
25 weed stores along the way.
I was thinking that would be a fun
addition of our show
of just coming out and just having plates of weed.
Well, there are tons of chocolates now.
I got her a lot.
I went to a lot of dispensaries
when I first moved her down here
so she would just chew out.
And when COVID first happened,
I remember I went in with my hat.
I was wearing a baseball hat
and I had my glasses and then I had my mask
and the guy asked for my ID.
And I was like, what are you going to see from this ID?
I mean, it literally could have been a picture of you.
And he's like, okay, great, looks good.
And I'm like, really?
Looks good.
So I went in and I got her so much stuff.
You did?
So expensive.
Yeah.
It is expensive.
Yeah.
It's pricey.
Did she like it?
So she did.
And then I think I got her one extra thing that was a little bit too much.
And she got high.
And she did not like that.
Oh, yeah.
And that was, I had to be with her until 3.30 in the morning.
Whoa.
Yeah.
She got weird?
Yeah.
Oh, geez.
And I got really scared and I got like nervous.
I was like, well.
Is she talking crazy?
No, but she was just like, everything is very spinning.
Oh, no.
Oops, geez.
I got my mom high.
Oh, my God.
It's awful.
It's terrible.
It's a really bad feeling.
It is a bad feeling.
It's like getting your dog high.
Right.
Anyone that like doesn't know what the hell's happening.
It's like, why are you?
It's like blowing smoke in your dog's face.
Yeah, yeah.
She's very confused.
Oh, it's terrible.
Well, I think you're getting out of it.
I mean, you'll be on the road in a month, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
How hard are you going to go?
A little bit at a time just because kids.
Once a month kind of a thing.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe once, I have like a one night or like a corporate easy.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I'll fly out, do that.
Just turn around and come right back.
Oh, that's good.
And then, you know, just, yeah, I'm like,
a weekend a month.
Right now I only have five things set up.
Oh, that's good.
But they start in April.
Yeah.
I have to do a,
I have to do two Zoom things coming up.
Oh, that's fine.
Yeah.
I'm all about it.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't like it.
It's also the best,
but it's not the worst either.
We did one.
Yeah, that's right.
I think that was the last one I did.
No.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah.
That was in the summer.
Oh, my gosh.
I do five Zoom's a week.
Do you really?
Yes.
For who?
Anybody that wants to pay me money.
Oh, really?
Yes.
Five a week, are you exaggerating?
No.
Really?
Yeah, I do a lot.
Wow.
Yeah.
I mean, I, you know, is it kept you sharp?
I will say, I don't know if I would have written as much material if I wasn't doing them.
Yeah.
Yeah, it makes you, you know, you have to still write some books.
Yeah, because I haven't done anything since November.
What?
Mm-hmm.
No.
Mm-hmm.
I do the radio show.
We were doing your show in that warehouse.
That was before November.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah.
I don't even know what, I don't know where we are or what we're doing.
I know exactly.
I don't know.
I know it's 2021.
Yeah.
It doesn't feel, none of this feels real.
No, it feels like it, now that it's been a year.
Yeah.
It feels like, uh, it feels like just the strange, like, day trip we went on or something.
But the thing is not everyone is as locked down as we are.
Mm-hmm.
And that's also kind of weird where people are like, what?
Mm-hmm.
We're all sweating at 24-hour fitness every day on top of each other.
And in California, it's...
All my friends in Florida that have performed, they said they're like celebrating like it's been over for a while.
Yeah.
That they beat COVID.
And, you know, I read an article that there was, the difference was 3,000 more deaths.
in California than in Florida,
where they were so open and going crazy.
Yeah.
And not the entire time, but more than out here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And, you know.
Which one do you prefer?
I feel like it was the right thing to save as many people as you could save.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, there's a lot of older people.
There's a lot of poor people living six people in a studio apartment
who have to go to work.
And I think the sacrifice now that we went through a year of it,
yeah.
Was it,
it wasn't that much of a sacrifice.
It was, it sucked.
Yeah.
My whole business got shot.
Yeah.
You know,
I'm sitting there watching my kids struggle.
All that stuff was bad.
Yeah.
But was it so bad that I would say, you know, I'm going to the gym.
So screw those 3,000 people?
Right, right.
Right.
Right.
Ultimately, I think we were able to endure the inconveniences and the stuff.
I think your dry brush helped, you know.
I did exercise a lot more.
Did you?
Just for mental health.
Yeah.
Like, what's your exercise go-to?
The Peloton.
Okay, this is over.
I jump on the bike.
All right, this is over.
What's wrong with the bike?
No, it's fine.
It's just, you know.
What?
The Peloton?
What?
I mean, come on.
It's too trendy.
Come on.
What?
You're better than that.
What am I going to do?
I couldn't run anymore because everybody yells at you if you don't have a mask running around the neighborhood.
And everyone's walking their dogs and their kids and their old people.
Yeah. Yeah.
And I'm not running in a mask.
So I was like, I'm going to get a bike.
I can't leave the house.
I don't know.
It works.
It's a good workout.
Tell me what you don't like.
It's whenever people are like, oh my God.
Well, yeah.
It's the scientific.
of workout equipment.
No, no, you have to.
This is different.
It changed my life.
I mean, it understands my soul.
I get on the bike, and the bike through my crotch knows what I need.
And it supplies me.
You know what I mean?
I totally know what you mean.
There's literally...
And it tells you, you know, everything that you need to do.
I don't know.
There's literally only one teacher I can tolerate.
There is.
There's one guy who's like a gym coach.
who's just straightforward.
Okay, now we're going to do this.
We're going to get to a seven
and we're going to be this.
Great job.
You guys are amazing.
And we're off.
Everybody else is like flashing their tits in the camera,
making eye contact flirting,
saying like these sexual innuendo things.
Yeah.
I can't handle any of that.
There's literally one guy I can watch.
So do they know if you're on level seven?
If you do a live class,
mine are all because L.A.
I'm always behind.
Okay.
They don't know.
But it's ranked.
Like you,
It ranks you.
So you can see out of 10,000 people where you fall.
See?
That's pretty good.
Well.
And there's a whole bunch of classes on the app.
So like beyond the bike, you can just stream weights, yoga, whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
I had to do something because I was going crazy.
So you did.
A cult.
If I exercise, do you exercise?
I mean, you walk around.
You walk around.
All my free time.
You know, when I put the suppository in my mom's ass, I'm wearing a wrist weight.
So, you know, it's five pounds.
And it causes, you know, a little bit of resistance.
Yeah, one day I'll have Peloton.
It's 30 minutes.
Yeah, sure.
That's what everybody says.
I can't see straight most of the day.
Do you understand?
I wake up and the kids are screaming in my face, not just a few times a week, every morning.
You spend 30 minutes in your son.
is in your steam rooms.
Crying.
What do you think I'm doing on the bike?
All right.
You think I'm just filled there because I'm filled with joy and love Kelly, the instructor?
I don't know.
No.
I'm sitting at my desk trying to write and just daydreaming and looking fuzzily into the screen.
I'm like, I got to change this.
And I get on the bike and after 30 minutes, I'm like, okay.
All right.
I'm back to feeling somewhat normal.
I'll accept it.
I don't want to do it.
And you know, it's funny is things are starting to open up and I'm starting to think about dates.
And I'm like, I actually have a flight in my phone for the first time.
It's exciting.
So exciting.
I know.
And I actually thought this the other day.
I know this whole exercise thing is going to go right back to where it was, which is in the toilet.
Yeah.
When I go back on the road.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then you'll have a $5,000 clothes hanger.
Well, the idea was also, you know, this.
addition of it all was, well, there's four people in the house. Yeah. It's four people that can all
participate. There won't be a gym membership or any other thing going on and no one uses it.
Just me. And then there's four, there's three other shoes that are just sitting there.
Oh, you've got to get those shoes. The shoes come with it. They come with it. There's a pair that
would fit you. Tell your family that you have an appointment and come jump on the bike.
I'll do it. Matt would like you.
Who's Matt?
That's my favorite coach.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
I bruise easily, though.
I feel like those seats are...
Oh.
They're aggressive.
They are aggressive.
Yeah.
That's why I never got into spinning.
What's worse?
Having a bruise on your butt or buying the pants with the padding in it.
All right.
Well, you're the best.
I thank you for coming here.
I think you won't take any of this and eat it?
No.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I want to keep my marriage.
Yeah, I understand.
No, but thank you.
All right.
Is that bad?
Am I the worst guest?
No, not at all.
Other guests have said no.
Look, I love, like my bread is healthier than like regular bread.
Like, it's not like eating bread that's going to really.
I have eaten your bread.
Right.
And it's not going to make you crash or doing that stuff.
It's amazing.
It's very different from this stuff.
Yeah.
But I know exactly what you mean.
Like on weeks where I hardly eat any carb stuff, you know, the weight comes off.
You feel clear.
You know, there's a definite balance.
And really the balance is probably not to eat any of this, but then why live?
Exactly.
Well, you're the best.
And as I'm putting together my dates, we'll figure out something where we can go out and
do it together because we were kind of the last run.
Yeah.
We were very much at the beginning of the COVID was when we were,
remember that?
It was literally in.
End of February.
Yeah.
In Washington.
And they were like,
it's in Washington before anywhere else.
And we were just,
there with our backpacks like,
all right,
let's do a show tonight.
People coming up at the meet and greets.
I'm hugging you anyway.
Yeah.
We did.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because it wasn't quite there yet.
No.
Yeah.
So it would be good to, if, like, the two of us being on the road again will feel like,
oh, we survived.
Yeah.
We got through it.
Come full circle.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
All right.
You're the best.
Thanks, too.
That was the great Kira Soltanovich.
Oh, I love her so much.
Okay, now I would like to talk to you for a minute about our good friends at Helix Sleep.
Helix Sleep.
Okay.
No two people are the same.
we've been taught that since we were little kids, you're a unique little snowflake.
And while we all kind of act the same, we are different.
We're different shapes, we're different sizes, different mental things going on, different necks.
We're weird creatures.
So why should we all be expected to sleep on the same mattress?
We shouldn't.
Sleeping on a terrible mattress is a horrible, horrible thing.
I've done it for years.
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Very exciting.
Okay, guys, now we're going to grab a quick bite with Dave Kekner.
You know him from everything, every great comedy.
He's such a funny actor, improviser person, and he lays down this little COVID story
that is going to blow your mind.
He's also a huge Kansas City chief fan, and I put off calling him because the
the Super Bowl was painful.
I literally did.
So it's time to check in with Dave Kekner.
Let's grab a quick bite.
How's it going?
I'm good, man.
How are you feeling?
I'm doing well.
Right on.
I wanted to see how you were doing.
I was going to actually call you a little earlier,
but I figured we should wait for the Super Bowl sting to be,
uh,
I'll be over.
That was actually over by the end of the game.
game because, you know, it was not the team that had taken the field all year.
That was worse.
Right.
You know.
Did you know that going in?
I didn't know how dire it was.
Right.
You know, and you hope.
Isn't that amazing?
I know.
It's amazing how even you could love a team so much and you still don't know all the secrets
until the game is over.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For those that, are we recording?
Yeah, go ahead.
Okay.
For those that don't know, the Kansas City Chiefs offensive line was a different
lineup than we'd had all year long.
So that was the difference maker.
Yeah.
Now, I will give credit, clearly, Tampa Bay's defense was amazing.
But they weren't facing.
the same team that they had faced early in the year when we beat them.
Now, also, we weren't facing the same team.
Now, we found out that Tom Brady's parents were, one or two of them were in the hospital,
COVID early in the year, and he didn't even say anything about it.
So that probably affected maybe his play.
Plus, you know, as a team congeals throughout the year, everybody knows what their role is,
what their strength is, stuff like,
you know, everybody on the line, there's always a leader.
In every part of the team, there's a leader that kind of calls out a defense or calls out an offense.
So everybody takes their cues from usually one person in their particular area.
And we, you know, we lost our play caller on the offensive line.
Yeah.
So almost.
It was tough.
And I was thinking about you the whole time.
because you're the biggest Casey fan I know,
so I was really thinking about you.
And then I was, and this is what I kind of wanted to ask you when we finally spoke,
was the other part that I found kind of annoying at the end of it was, you know,
and I'm not a Brady hater by any means.
The guy, I'm just impressed with him for sure.
But when it started to move into, we should all eat and drink like Tom Brady
if we want to be great,
that really started the phone with.
I'm sitting there with chicken fingers in my mouth
and they're talking about how
he doesn't even eat tomatoes.
Okay.
So what?
That might work for him.
It might not work for everybody.
Come on, man.
Plus, I don't want to get into it,
but there's a lot of stuff about Tom Brady
that I'm not down with.
So, starting to his friends?
Well, yes, exactly.
You know, politics is very divisive.
And for me, I'm out.
Yeah.
So, yeah, that was tough.
And it seemed to me very early.
There was a big raw, raw, raw, raw, Tom Brady going on.
And, you know, look, also Mahomes, the next week, I think, had toe surgery.
So he wasn't 100%.
Again, these are excuses.
These are excuses.
Yeah.
But that, you know, it wasn't the same.
team that they played earlier.
And it wasn't the same team that had won whatever it was two weeks earlier.
It gets Buffalo.
Right.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, how are you doing?
Do you have the vaccine?
Are you feeling good?
I'm sorry.
One last note.
I'm sorry.
Then I'll stop.
You know, there was a horrible accident in Kansas City involving Andy's stunned.
Yeah.
And, you know, and it's come to find out it's bad.
I think there's going to be a lifetime movie.
of pain for one of those families.
But I think, you know, that can really affect the entire organization.
Yeah, of course, of course.
So I think that, you know, we, we stacked against ourselves.
Yeah.
But so for your question, no, I have not gotten the vaccine.
I'm not, I don't qualify in any of the categories.
Right.
I'm not old enough.
I am not an essential worker.
I don't have comorbidities.
So, but, but I like them big old titties.
Why?
Why? That was unnecessary.
That was really, really unnecessary.
But I think, I think two weeks.
Yeah.
Maybe. Maybe I might fall into the category.
You know, I was thinking, because you were the last person to come and do the podcast at the table when we got to sit.
And that was a while ago.
And I was really like thinking that would be a nice little milestone for me personally, favorite food and have you back.
It will give me a sense that we're...
Do you feel like...
Do you feel like a little more hopeful at this point?
Oh, completely.
Completely.
I was a bit concerned that, what, 14 states removed all restrictions.
It might be more by today.
But I was like, come on, guys, we can't wait.
Yeah.
We can't wait just a couple weeks.
I know.
We just, you know, of course, they removed these.
Did they remove them?
right yeah right before the COVID bill was was signed yeah so it's like dude we got we got stuff on the
way just I know we're so close so you know I don't know how many will lose I mean you there
would be deaths because of it mm-hmm um there'd be sickness yeah um just too bad you know I lost
I'm I know I had it because I I lost my sense of taste and smell in um last year February
Oh, no way.
Yeah, I'd had a weird week-long flu that came and went every day.
Yeah.
During the day, no fever.
Every night, a fever for a week, which is just like, wow, this is a really weird flu.
Yeah.
My girlfriend had been very sick the week before, but again, we just thought that was the flu.
Right.
And then afterward, I thought, well, it must have been a bad cold because I can't, I can't smell right.
I can't taste right.
And then I didn't find out until July when my daughter was diagnosed with it.
And the first thing she noticed was she lost her sense of taste and smell.
No other symptoms.
She didn't get sick.
She didn't have a fever.
Wow.
She tested positive.
And so she was July.
So I'm now past a year without taste or smell, which is not a great sign.
But the other thing I'm thinking is that because so many people have suffered the same
symptoms, then maybe they'll focus some concentration on that and find a way to get it back.
Wait, you don't have any taste or smell?
Correct.
What?
For a year?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
I know.
And sadly, they say if it doesn't come back within six months, it might be gone.
And Margot is the same way.
She's July and she can't, she, everything tastes worse to her.
Like, to me, I just get past it, you know, like it tastes like, you know, it tastes like,
either tin or burnt rubber.
And sometimes, you're like, oh, I remember this being good.
I'm going to pretend I like it.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I can't smell anything.
I was making that, you know, that very popular TikTok pasta for the girls.
Yeah.
And it's, you know, you've got fresh garlic and fresh basil.
Couldn't smell either after I chopped them up.
Oh, my God.
Have you, have you talked to anybody about it?
Are you, is there any way to?
I had spoken to my doctor and she said, yeah, there's nothing you can do.
And then, of course, my daughter, you know, she'd seen several remedies on the internet, which don't work.
I'll just say this for your listeners.
They don't work.
Taking an orange, burning it and dipping it in brown sugar or some shit like that.
That's not a remedy, folks.
Eating zinc every day is not a remedy.
I just bought the darn thing.
they should pay me for this.
The nose thing.
Navaz.
So I'm going to try that every day.
And I don't know why, but last night a dream,
I thought I should take small slices of lemon and suck on them every day.
Yeah.
But so, I don't know.
Who knows?
My guess is there's got to be something that'll bring it back, but whatever.
How about your family?
Anybody afflicted?
We had some people on the East Coast that got it,
had like really bad flu, but luckily nobody was hospitalized. It didn't get to that point.
They were just kind of knocked on their butts for a while. But other than that, everybody
played it super, super safe and, you know, all the elders stayed inside and just got their
second dose of the vaccine and stuff. So that was, that's pretty great. But I mean, but your tail is
the perfect, I mean, unfortunately, it's like the perfect.
of why you shouldn't be lifting these restrictions and being careful because so what?
You're not going to die, but you're also not going to taste the TikTok pasta.
Yeah.
And there's other things that have other people.
There's some mental issues that people can't, yeah, I call some mental malfunctions.
I forget what they are.
And I don't think there's one pervasive one.
I think that, you know, flicks people differently.
But, yeah.
I hear that the sign is that you can't remember its name.
Holy shit, there was a quick draw.
Damn, I didn't even see you unholstered that thing.
Jesus, I'm reading.
Oh, that was fucking awesome.
Oh, God damn.
Well, listen, Dave, I really, I love talking to you,
and I really want to get you back in the studio
so we can spend some more time together.
But I'm going to go on a quest to get you your taste back.
You know, somebody will.
Yeah, we got a crack.
God.
It'll come.
I mean, you know, we get past this thing and then they'll, you know, wherever the money is.
If there's money and it's right.
Right.
Yes.
There's enough people.
Yeah.
Whatever.
Yeah.
All right, brother.
All right, buddy.
You're the best.
Casey's going to be great next year.
I know it.
It's true.
It's true.
Bye, baby.
I hope it's not too soon, but I'm just going to say it.
I love you, Tom, Papa.
I love you, too.
Okay, baby.
Talk you, too.
All right.
Bye.
Okay, everybody, that's our big show. Thank you to Kira Soltanovich. So nice being back in the studio.
And thank you to Dave Kekner. Wasn't that crazy? No taste? No smell a year? All right, so you survive.
All these young people that are saying, it's not a big deal. I'm going to blow through it. I'll be fine. Yeah. He's fine-ish. Not being able to eat. Taste.
can eat, not taste, you can't smell. Weird. It's a weird one. Hopefully, I'm going to find a cure for
them, though. If you have any tips, send them our way. All right, that's our great show. Thank you so
much. We have so many great guests coming up. Continue to subscribe, like, do all those things,
tell your friends, spread the word. You guys are the best. I'll see you next time.
