Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 51 - Rich Vos

Episode Date: April 27, 2021

When it comes to finding food on the road as a touring comedian no one is more detailed or funny that Rich Vos. And then we grab a quick bite with Bonnie McFarlane to find out why Rich is so crazy! I love them both.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, it's how we're going. It's time for Breaking Bread with Papa. Hey, don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey. Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I am Tom Papa. Thank you so much for joining us.

We have a great show. You will enjoy. We have a great show for you today. We thank you so much for coming in every week. And thank you for all of your messages. Keep them coming. We really enjoy it. Thanks for your feedback. A lot of people have been asking lately because I was going off on

posting some pretty good pictures of bread. People are demanding pretty aggressively. Yeah, I'm talking about you, about me sending them bread through the mail. I've said it before. It's a tough thing to figure out. But with the number of people that are asking for it, I'm thinking I've got to figure it out. I mean, maybe there's a thing if I can do it in bulk. Maybe if I do like 10 at a time, it makes sense. I wouldn't. No. Then it would just go to 10 different people. It's going to be, it can't be $100 a loaf to send bread to you is what I'm saying. I love you. I adore you. But how much you, why am I putting it on me? I should put it on you. How much are you willing to pay for bread? How about that? Let's start that conversation. me up on social media and let me know if you desperately want this bread, and I understand you desperately wanting it because it is delicious, what would you pay for a Tompapa loaf of bread? I actually started going back on the road.

Last weekend, I did Omaha, Nebraska, and then this weekend I'm going off to Kansas City. By the time this comes out, I will have returned from that. And for the first time since the pandemic, I literally had to change the bread schedule, the bread making schedule, which is a two and a half to three day process. All of a sudden, I was where I could be loose with it and be like, yeah, and I'll get to it. It was like, no, I'm getting picked up at 6.30 in the morning on a Thursday. I got to work backwards. I got to do the math backwards.

I got to figure out when I can get the bread done, shaped, rested in the refrigerator or overnight so that I can get it done and baked before I head off at 6.30 in the morning. Oh, I know it sounds somewhat annoying, but for a touring comedian to all of a sudden realize that your time to get to CVS and bake your bread and see your friends and have your meetings is all shortened and having to be altered by your going out and entertaining people somewhere in the country. It is a delightful, delightful thing. And I'll be heading a lot of different places through the summer and then come fall,

then it's going to get really crazy. Then I'm going to be really worried about the bread input or output. So if you're going to jump on it and you want to get your orders in before the summer is probably when you should do it. That is the most, the best advice I can give you. going back on the road i you know i've been here in l.A so we've only done some like outdoor dining and stuff and i got to omaha nebraska and you're thinking well what do you eat in omaha omaa Nebraska it just feels like steak right if you look at it on the map it actually looks like

a t-bone and kansas city i'm heading there more steak i imagine so i got in early one night of travel and before the big show and i was like well i should just do it let's celebrate this and go inside and eat with people. Now, I know if I'm talking to you in Texas and Florida and some sort of other places, it's not that big of a deal, but coming from where we're coming, we're eating outside on park benches and my friends in New York are eating in the gutter outside of restaurants trying to pretend that it's as good an experience out on the curb, being accosted by people as it is inside.

this was a big deal. So I went to a place called Sullivan's, and it was the best experience, big high ceilings. You walked in, there was people at the bar, but not nerve-wracking, like, nice. And look, I'm double-vaxed. It's time to go.

That's like the new herpes test is you just meet people on the street and you tell them that you're vaxed. And the little bar was all filled up. I'm like, no, I want a table? Do you mind giving me a table? And they brought me in the back. Crisp white tablecloths, which really just, there's a reason they are still being used

because it really is a good indication that you're going to be taken care of. And they gave me this nice booth by myself towards the back. Nice waitress, nice open ceilings, ice cold martini that I have not made. I did not have to make any of these things, which is such a treat. Ice cold martini appears with blue cheese olives freshly stuffed not from a can with old blue cheese. It's as hard as a shoe. And then they bring out the bread and it's warm and they bring out a giant wedge filled with more blue cheese and bacon bits. And it's beautiful New York strip comes after that.

And I dialed back. I didn't go to, if I was out with you, if we were out and we're going to a steakhouse, I'm trying to get that early martini in, try and get that right off the bat as soon as we sit down and we're settling in, figuring out what to do, and then we'll slide into red wine by the time the steak actually hits the table. But I'm on my own. I'm in a strange place. I've got shows to do. This isn't a time to booze it up. So I just let the martini. slowly lead the way, spend time on my phone, talking to people, pretty much just sending pictures of the menu and the glass and the restaurant and just sending it to people saying,

oh my God, I can't believe I'm on the road. Look at this. A lot of people, comedians and some of the musicians were just salivating as much as I was. And then the steak comes out and the martini just takes it to the end. No dessert. Thank you. Don't need to bomb this with sugar. I'm not on a date. This is just me experiencing this thing that I have not experienced in over a year. Cruise back to the hotel. It's still early. The Yankee game is wrapping up. Oh, no, it was the Dodgers Padres, which has turned into this amazing baseball rivalry. It was like a playoff game in the middle of April. kick back, go over my jokes, do some writing, the game's on in the background,

full, content, joyous. Oh, it really felt like the whole world had been corrected, and I got to partake in it. Of course, you throw your mask on, which, by the way, I traveled for about 14 hours. As soon as the car picks you up, that mask is on. It does not come off. and I think it was one that my daughter left in the car that she had used at her dance class. It smelled kind of like my daughter's perfumy, kind of, I'm like she used this for a dance class for two hours. And now I am wearing it on my face for the next 14 hours. Nasty, nasty. But a small little remnant, I would call it, of the pandemic, which will probably be around for a bit.

But man, it comes off and is put on the table when the martini comes out and there's nothing, nothing but joy. And hopefully we'll get to do it too. Hopefully I will see you out and about because I am heading out. And if you are out there and you listen to this podcast, find me. Find me. Because it's go time. It's time to celebrate and raise a glass together.

So all you good people. We have a great show for you today. We've got the great Rich Voss coming on the show. Rich is one of my oldest friends in comedy. I'm going to save the story for when I met him, from when I talked to him. But he was a New Jersey guy where I came from New Jersey. He's one of the naturally funniest people, just off-the-cuff, funniest people I've ever met.

he's so great, such a good guy, married to another great comedian, Bonnie McFarlane, who I actually am going to try and do the quick bite with Bonnie. She is newly vaxed, so it may take a day or two for her to get rid of her chills. But I, without telling Rich, I think we do the quick bite with his wife so she can correct anything that he says during the interview. He has such funny ways of squeezing the most out of gigs and how to eat on the road. This is somebody that has been out there for over 30 years. And you'll see when I talk to him.

It's going to come out. He is, I wouldn't say he is, let's say he's thrifty and he's inventive. and I guarantee you when he is out on the road, he's not sitting in a steakhouse by himself waiting for a steak to come and celebrating. He's going to do something else to take care of it and make sure he's not spending too much money. And it's going to be weird.

It is going to be weird, and I'm sure we're going to find it hilarious. So enjoy this right now. This is an interview with my good pal, Rich Voss, and then we will grab a quick bite, hopefully with Bonnie McFarland. Good to see you, Rich. Well, thank you.

Yeah, you know, hold on, folks. Let me give myself an introduction because a lot of people wouldn't know, Hey, Rich. Today on Tom Papa's podcast, we have Rich Vos, who recently, over the pandemic, was in the King of Staten Island,

HBO Max, Colin Quinn, and friends, a drive-in comedy show. Also, the Patrice documentary, killing is easy. And his roast, Voss Rost, is up to over a half a million hits on YouTube for free. Welcome, Rich Voss. Wow. That would have been so good if I hadn't already recorded your intro.

Oh. You know what's funny? Like I did a club, like these clubs, some of these clubs, I'm not bad mouthing everybody, negative. But they don't do a lot of promotion. I went to a club and there was one little poster. It said, you know, coming up, Rich Voss from Opie and Anthony. They haven't been on the air in seven years and not that there's the greatest stigma around them. Right. Exactly. Next week from evening at the improv. From VH1's stand-up spotlight.

hosted by Rosie O'Donnell. You might recognize our next act from the Viewmaster series a day at the Grand Canyon. That was an ad lib that I stuttered my way through. It was good, though. I knew you weren't going to pull it off because there's nowhere to go really after Viewmaster. Yeah. But just hearing Viewmaster makes me so warm. Click, click, click.

Oh, I love it. it. It really was magical to us. It really was like we were going to the movies. Who's the picture of the guy below us? Who in, uh... That's, um, that is George Carlin. No, I have a guy in, uh, in a, like he's a worker's safety vests, like he's working, a construction worker. What are you talking about? Oh, Joe Bolter. Oh, you can see Joe? Well, just his picture. Oh, and then it comes up. I don't mind Joe Bolter. It's always good to have a picture of a producer in a hard hat. I always say that. I don't do a podcast unless there's a producer in a hard hat picture. This is heavy work. People don't

understand what we have to do to get these podcasts off the ground. You know, I was thinking this, I was thinking today, and thank you for doing this. You're one of my favorite human beings on a planet. And I was thinking, you know, because we talk all about food and the things that we love to eat. eat. It's so perfect because when I was starting out and I would, like one of my very first, I know I've told this story. That's okay. I thought it was me hitting on somebody. I have those stories too. And yeah, your way of hitting on people was very unique. But the, I was doing a road gig in New Jersey. I think I lived in New Jersey even. And I went to this little like bar restaurant in New Jersey, which is where all of the early gigs kind of were.

You'd have one show and one night, and it was out like, I don't know, Route 46 or one of those things going out west a little bit. And the showroom was downstairs. And it was a cool room. It was like a packed room, like really stuffed in there and all these. And then upstairs was like this restaurant and bar. It might have been like a pack on the upper deck. Maybe, maybe. And And I'm pretty new. Like, I haven't done a lot of these gigs yet. And I'm just excited to have it. And I come in, I'm not sure where to go.

And I walk into the bar area of the restaurant, like upstairs from the show. And you're sitting at the bar, curly hair, sitting at the bar, eating. And I introduced myself in the opening act. And nice to meet you, Mr. Voss. And you're like, did you eat? I'm like, no, no, no. I'm like too nervous I can't even eat. You're like, you have to eat.

That's why you take these gigs. It's the only good thing about these shitty gigs. They feed you and the food's pretty good. Sit down. You got to eat. I was like, oh, that's how you get paid on these gigs. It's in the food. That was my mind.

Get all you can. I've had that mentality and I'm saying these shitty gigs and I was only doing comedy for what, five years maybe at the most. You know, it's funny because I just did a Zoom call with an old booker. He's a lawyer, but he's doing some work for me. Joey Novick. Do you remember him? Oh, Novick, yeah.

He did those gigs. He had all those one-nighters. And back then, you can make a living without leaving New Jersey, Long Island, and Connecticut. I'm just one-nighters. I know. Yeah, you just strung together all those rooms. That's so funny. you just talk to him that's so funny today yeah and so many old stories come up and you know the

comics uh like here's a story i was doing a show up in uh pennsylvania scranton it was a holiday in um adam sandler was middling he would he played guitar then wow and i i was closing i don't want to say headliner because i'm barely a headliner now i was just the last act on the show then You were the headlining. After the show, the owner brings us in the office and says, he pulls out a bag of Coke about this big. Would you rather have money or Coke? And I took the Coke and Adam took the money. Now look where Adam is now and look where I am.

So I was making wrong decisions from the beginning. You know, I mean, this, okay, I have 35 years sober now. So this was over 35 years ago. Wow. That is amazing. When you think back that early, I can't, whenever I think about those gigs, even when I was thinking of daydreaming about this gig that I first met you. It was like, I remember distinctly doing a Jimmy Stewart impression. I was like, I can't believe people were paying me to do shows back then. Like, it was pure like, you're just natural funniness and energy because you really had nothing else to go on.

First of all, I remember all the impressionists used to turn around and, you know, do something with their hair and then always turn around and do Jack Nicholson or, you know, or Clint Eastwood. I don't think you do that. It would go something like this. I was so bad when I started. I mean, I was so bad. In the beginning, I didn't know anything. I went to a comedy club, a couple of clubs.

I saw Lenny Schultz. So I figure, oh, that's what you do, props. So I went to Toys R Us and bought a bunch of props. I stunk. I took, I had this doll. I found a doll. And I cut the arms off. So it was arms in a little hand.

And I would put them in my sleeves and come out and go, let's have a big hand. And I, it was, right? It was so horrible. So that. I bet it killed, though. It did because it was everybody in my town coming to watch me. Right. Exactly.

You know. You know. It's a family. Yeah. Then I saw Gary Diner. I worked with and the energy, so I thought I was supposed to run around like Robin Williams. Right.

So now I'm all energetic on stage. Even on the Saturday, I saw him on the Friday, and on the Saturday I'm doing him almost, right? Yeah, yeah. And then I went through the deadpan stage. I would open up like, I go, you know, and I remember these jokes.

I go, real day, I go, if you're riding in the cab, and the driver goes in reverse, does he owe you money? Then I said, I go, you're Stephen Wright. I know, I'm Stephen. I go, I bought a wood stove. I only got to use it once. That's a good joke.

And then I go do Eskimos put their money in snow banks. But I was being like, I was being like Stephen Wright. Right. You don't know your voice. You have no idea. You're trying everything, everything. Everything. thing, you know, one second, you're Robin, next second, you know, you're, you're walking around

with a cigarette, you think you're Bill Hicks. Right, exactly. I went through, like, I'm going to be really dirty. I guess everybody, I guess I should just be really dirty. And I didn't, couldn't even really come up with any good dirty jokes. So, like, I think three months ago, I finally found my voice and it was not to be in comedy. It was, it was, it was in landscaping videos. Oh, yeah.

How's your landscaping going? Now, you're living in New Jersey, you've got some nice piece of land, and I could tell. You're not, this isn't like just, oh, I cut the lawn. Like, you're into this. Well, yes, I, yesterday I put in a new mailbox. This is, I mean, throughout this pandemic, just nuts, my stomach problem. Then I had headaches. So my wife says, we had a leak in the living room.

Just a leak. My wife says, maybe we have mold. I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm like, oh, damn. Damn. The wives are so scared of mold. So I have someone come in, test the mold. That cost me $1,300.

Oh, my God. That guy goes, I can get rid of the mold for $6,000. I go, are you crazy? I go, how much cash? She goes, $2,000. I go, you don't seem too legitimate that you went from six to two within 30 seconds. So I found somebody else to remove the mold. They told me I should have paid $500 to get a test.

Anyhow. Oh, my God. Now I'm down 1,300, then 1,700 to remove it. A piece of sheet rock missing from my living room ceiling. Yeah. There's a major leak. I have a guy look at a roof. He goes, well, you could do the valley or put a roof.

Anyhow, so I'm another guy doing a new roof on Monday, a whole new roof lifts up the shingles, 40 sheets of plywood. So this little leak went from, okay. My PPP loan, which finally I got something for free in life because I work. I go, look at this. I got a loan. I just goodbye. Out the window. Oh, my God.

What a nightmare. What a night. I mean, I got a new 40 sheets of plywood. Like he gave me the price for the roof. He still hasn't come. He's got one little strip of thing to put in. I don't even know what I'm going to owe after the 40 sheets of plywood. Whenever they, whenever those guys come out and they give the quote and they're like, they don't realize how little you know.

Whenever they quote, they're like, yeah, probably be like five or six. And I'm thinking, thousand or hundred? Because either could be right. Well, you know, I mean, before I did comedy, I used to remind, I had a contract in business, mostly painting. But this is over almost 40 years ago. You know, so I mean, so prices have one up, you know, plywood is like $50 a sheet now, $45. Just 40 pieces of plywood alone is $2,000. Well, now that all those jersey gigs have dried up, maybe you should just start doing roofs.

I'm telling you. What happened to all those jersey gigs? Are they gone? Oh, yeah, there's no. They don't, nobody does those, right? Well, some guy, there's a couple of people now. Throughout this, you know, last year was doing outdoor gigs. Some, you know, still there's some out.

This one kid really, you know, go-getter. He's booking some one-nighters. You know, Bonnie did an outdoor gig. Right. Saturday in front of a nail salon in the parking lot. There was 75 people, but, you know, I did one gig in New York. I saw it never did. It was between two buildings and like an alley and there are people.

And this is last summer when people were really nuts. Yeah. And I did an outdoor gig last summer. Oh, God. There was almost 300 people. It was great. But the stage was in front of woods. I go, I go, I'm going to get attacked by a bear in North Jersey, a bat.

So I'm scared to death. I'm on stage and the whole audience goes like that. I jump off the stage and there was a flying squirrel between trees. I'm doing a flying squirrel. Look, they're in Jersey. I didn't know squirrels flew, right? So I'm scared of being attacked by a bear. There is someone nighters, but, you know, it's.

But you've always been crafty also about doing the gigs because, I mean, you started off telling me like, no, you're here to eat. The show is part of it, but you were here to eat. And I was like, I couldn't believe you could eat and then go on. stage. My stomach was so in knots. But then, but then you were, you've always been working the angles. Like, now when you go on tour, uh, you love to golf. So you set up, you set up with all of these world renowned golf resorts. I'll mention you on the radio if you let me play before the show. I, I give them free passes to the show. Uh, I mention them. Uh, you know, I had a,

a fan call me back in a day from Callaway. You know, I got like tons of sets of Callaway, the best clubs. I try. I'm in Harrisburg this weekend. So I called a course, I go,

look, you know, whoever you talk to, I'll get your passes to the show. I'm not doing radio out there. I can get you passes to the show, whatever. You know,

it's, I play yesterday. I shot 83 with two doubles. I couldn't believe it. In the wind, I was on fire. Oh, man. And my back was.

so sore last night but yeah everything when I was on last comic standing uh I remember calling I forget to name it a shirt but these were two hundred dollar shirts they were like and I said listen I'll wear them on the show on NBC next you know I got 14 of these shirts you know and I had him tail you know they were great I wish I remember the name of it they all burnt in our fire but I had Nike send me you know listen yeah you were always working and the angles the show little the show busy angles you got you got to i mean look it uh oh here's a here's a here's a here's a story boy could i seem any creepier after the oscars the first one i wrote on i wrote on turn

two it's no big deal uh i got the oscar gift basket tons of pride you know just trips everything so we had a trip to mexico some resort in mexico we already took one trip to mexico whatever And when you got to Mexico, they gave you like a robe, you know, a basket full of everything. And so we booked a trip. Then something happened. We couldn't go. And I called him. I said, listen, we can't go on this trip?

I said, can you still send me the robe in the baskets? I can't believe out. I got two robes in the mail. This gift basket was a full-time job every day catching in gifts. Oh, my God. You're relentless. Listen, I'm not cheap. Like if I went out to, it's crazy.

If I go out to dinner and spent $500, I don't care. But the next day I'm picking up golf teas on the, on the court. Just some crazy obsessive behavior. Yeah, where's that come from? Does it come from growing up a certain way? Did you? I, you know. Did you, what was your family like when you were a kid?

I guess when I was a kid, because my family, you know, this is the deep stuff. You know, my family was doing. My parents, you know, divorce. So I never really got anything. Right, right. So there wasn't a lot of cash around. It was never, you know, I remember stealing $5 from my mother's wallet. She was crying this and that.

I put it back. I got, you know, I put it back. So I guess. So maybe that's it. Maybe it's that little, you know, the little having a flying squirrel it away. Yeah. But I, my kids throughout their lives, I think I spoiled my kids, anything they want.

Even my youngest now, my older daughters. Yeah. They still, you know, it's just, because I didn't have it. Right. And my older daughters grew up to be good kid. I mean, one daughter's married. The other one's engaged. They have houses, great jobs, you know.

But they, I don't want my kids to have to want for anything. You know what I mean? Not, not pretty, not, not. Not privileged because they worked hard. But you knew that feeling when you were a little kid of not getting or not having and you didn't want them to go through that. You know, all the, like comedy, why I love, I used to come home from school. I was in fourth grade, so I guess you're like nine years old.

And I would come home from school and I would play Von Meeter, this album. Von Meader, do you know who he is? He did the Kennedy impressions. The album was called The First Family. Right, right. Okay. He was the biggest comic ever at that time. But once the Kennedy's were assassinated, his career was done. Yeah.

You know, from Park Avenue to Park Bench, dot. But I used to come home and listen to that album in fourth grade. Then years later, I realized, you know, my parents are going through divorce. I'm a nine-year-old kid. Yeah. So this comedy is covering the pain that I don't know how to deal with as a nine-year-old kid. And I'm listening to comedy. Right.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. and on the outside, but doing heroin on the inside. Right, yeah, yeah. You know, so you grow up listening to comedy. Right. To push down that pain. And then drugs took over, you know, I'm pushing down the whatever with drugs and alcohol.

When you're young. You know, and it's just, you know, a symptom of me, all the addiction and obsessive behavior. Yeah, right, right, right, right. Yeah. The free meals, I don't care about $8 or $12. But I want, listen, I don't want the left side of the menu. I get the whole menu. I'm rich boss, bitch.

I don't get snacks. I get platters. Yeah. There is that thing. Well, you're, I mean, you completely spelled it out. I mean, there was that pain that already existed. And then you put the substances on top of it. and that's what creates addiction.

It really is so much fun from the outside when you have close friends like you and Bobby and Colin who are sober now, but watching the manifestation of those addictions into fun things. Like you with the sneakers, you with the hats, watching Bobby with his cigars, watching Colin with his Diet Cokes. It's so much fun when it's something that's not. dangerous, but you know that that is the obsessive behavior of an addict. I heard you came into the cellar with a hat like mine, and I said Rich Voss is wearing these hats and you threw years out.

Yeah, it was like stealing a joke. I couldn't do it. I wear these bailey's hat. I have mine ready for tonight's gig. So it is all the, like, all the obsessive, all the people that we hung out with at the table in the back. Yeah. And, you know, you know, Bobby, Colin, Norton, Patrice, you know, all dysfunctional.

But you take all those guys, you take you, you take Billy, you take the Apollo, you take, you know, even Bonnie later. Every one is a great comic. Every one. Marina, Marina, Kevin Hart, all, you know what? All great. You hang out, you know, luckily I hung out with great comics throughout, you know, I mean, when you had your parties, if you think about the comics that were at your parties,

I know, I know, all great, good headliners. Yeah. You know what I mean? Nothing funnier than hosting, hosting a party for all comedians because it was so much fun to get everybody together outside of where we're working. I mean, we're only like three blocks away, but still, we're not at the club. And having, and watching comics trying to function as just regular people holding cocktail plates and a drink in their hand. It's like it doesn't come natural.

And the only way to make it work is to have it be all comedians. Yeah. Because then they don't, there's no sense that they have to be appropriate. And not only that, you could. like your parties you had shrimp and when somebody has shrimp at a party you know this is a whole another level of I'm not very classy I'm not talking yeah there were crackers and cheese but there was shrimp this is not this is not a middle a middler's party this is a headliner party with shrimp now be honest with me did you put some in Bonnie's bag before you left

No, no, but I don't know if you saw that missing piece of artwork that was in. So how do you do it now when you're on the road? How do you handle your meals? How do you handle your, the confusing part for me always? And I just went back and did a club for the first time in months last weekend. And I was like, oh yeah, this puzzle of you eat lunch around like noon or whatever. and then am I going to eat before the show at seven? Am I going to wait for in between?

Do I eat it for? Then the nap will be too deep. That puzzle has never been solved. Well, for me, I don't eat. Well, for 30 years, I haven't eaten red meat, at least 30 years. And then over a year ago, I quit chicken and turkey, so I don't have many options. What Bonnie bought me, like, I try to go to the supermarket or bring food to the I haven't done a lot of, I'm doing a weekend this weekend, but I think I, I did a couple.

I bring, I bring my little rounds and peanut butter bananas and for breakfast. What's a round? The whole wheat rounds. They're like bread, bread, bread. Oh, bread, like a peanut bread. Yeah, but yeah. Okay. So I'll make, usually make peanut butter banana sandwich in the morning.

You know, then if I'm going to play golf, I always say I need a refrigerator in the room. because I try to go to the supermarket and get whatever to keep cold. Right. And, you know, Bonnie bought me this single, you know, George Forman grill, but it's one, it only does one burger at a time. It's just big. Yeah. It's just big.

And I bring it on the road. And I, I, I, I. You do? I'll bring, you know, what do you call, Beyond Burgers or veggie burgers. So I can make those. and I'll eat one of those. And you make that in the hotel room? You put it on your round?

Yeah, and I put it on my round, you know, I take it out of the refrigerator. So I'll do it. And I also bring those hot, those soups that you put boiling water in because I have a crushable. It's a teak, it's a kettle, boils water, but you can crush it down and it opens up. It's rubber. Oh, really? And it plugs in. Whoa.

And it's so cool. And I also have a little mini compressor to make coffee with a, that I compresses my, I compresses my own coffee. Whoa. I mean, I really had your whole little, you have your whole little kitchen set up. Yeah,

and it's, it's just big. You know, it's nothing. But wait a minute, but that's, but still that's a lot. Even this big,

when you're going away for just the weekend, how are you packing? Because if I put like an extra pair of shoes, you're in trouble. Well, I had, I have packing down,

well, I have packing down to, to a science, you know, I mean, I'm down to, you know, I'll put the socks in my sneakers if I have to,

you know, I'll put my hats in the, in the suitcase upside down and then I'll pack the hats with t-shirts and whatever. Right. Are you checking a bag? Well, if I go on the road, which I haven't been on a plane in the year, but next week I got to go to Tampa. Oh, good. I'll check in one suitcase and my golf clubs.

Oh, you've got the clubs. Yeah. Checking bags already. I got two. Yeah. I checked the golf clubs and the suitcase. And I used to bring 50 CDs to every game. I haven't sold CDs in here.

I still have 600 in my garage. Right. You know. So packing's easy. I set up. Everything is easy. But next week, I'm giving me so much anxiety thinking about going to the airport, park. I haven't done it in over a year.

I know. Exactly. All that stuff is coming back. I literally, I'm doing a club this weekend. And I was like, all the details, the details that I'm forgetting. I was like, oh, right. I forget that they put you in a lot. a horrible hotel on the freeway.

It's like, I have to, I forgot, you have to ask them for the nicer hotel. Yeah. That's funny. That they, that they give to the, you know, because they give the other one to, like, the guy who doesn't know any better. I'm like, all these things coming back of, that you forgot. I'm doing the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. I do it through Harrisburg, not through the zones.

They don't use me. But, you know, I do the Harrisburg. And they have a hotel attached to the club. It's a, but I won't stay in that hotel. There's one around the corner. It's a night, you know, whatever. Yeah. One of those, the breakfast in the morning, the workout.

Yeah. So when I booked this gig last year, he said, listen, you know, you're going to have to stay in the hotel next to the club, you know. And I go, okay. But I call him today to confirm everything. I go, what's the hotel again? And he goes to one around the corner. I'm going, oh, good, he forgot. You know.

But I'm driving, when I drive to a gig, see, you're in L.A., you're not driving to too many weekend gigs. No, you're not driving. flying yeah i'm driving and and i i went i downsize i had a bmw i got rid of it got a uh uh a hunday tucson SUV uh hacked a car you know on top of the car i put one of those cargo things oh jeez in case you know i have all my survival backpacks and everything ready to go to throw into my thing if we have to hit the woods uh you know during so Thrifty. Huh?

So, wait, so you're on, I, at once I admire how you're, you've got all your meals. Like, you don't really have to think. If you're hungry, you just make a little thing, you break out around or a veggie thing, and you got it all down there. That is smart that you take that anxiety of it out. But it also doesn't sound that joyous. Like, do you, if you, do you ever treat yourself and go out or like, oh, yeah, well, listen, If I'm not playing golf, I make a sandwich to go, whether it be whatever to eat on the course.

And I have my little cooler that I bring to that I bring on the plane in case it's a long flight and I want to eat on the plane. And I put frozen, you know, I take a water bottle and I freeze it. And, you know, so, yeah, but usually I'll go, I don't have time to go to a restaurant before or after the gig, usually. So I usually eat at the club. I just try to eat healthy. I mean, listen, even at home, there's not too much that I enjoy eating anyhow. So, you know, since I don't eat. You did really clean things up over the last several years.

Well, since I don't eat meat, I mean, you know. Who cooks at home? Bonnie, but she's a vegan. She's one step. I'll at least eat fish. She's a vegan. And we have great food, you know. I mean, she makes soups all the time.

She's in bed kind of sick now. She got her second shot yesterday. You can't move. Yeah. And, you know, I'm like, look, someone's got it clean. So anyhow, you know, so I got my kid. Yeah. But, you know, it's, you're on the road for two days.

It's not like, you know, like tonight I'm in Philly. And I always have them order me sushi from next door to healing. There's a little sushi place. Yeah. So I have them order that. I'll eat some there and take some home. I'll get Bonnie some roll. It's so funny.

I mean, literally, literally, you know, you're talking about we probably saw each other at that bar 25 years ago. And you're still so crafty that you're thinking, okay, Philly, that's the place with the sushi. They get me the sushi from around the back. I can't tell you how fucked up, how screwed up I am. I'm not cheap. Believe me, I spent, look, look, I'm not cheap. But I did a weekend in Philly the last time. I could do a weekend was maybe last year, a whole week.

And the hotel, they gave me four $10 coupons for food, $40 in the hotel there. They have a little restaurant down. Well, I didn't use them. They're thumbtack to my bulletin board. $40. $40 worth of coupons for next time I stay in that hotel. What, $40, I spend that on scratchoffs in one day. You're like my nana.

You're like my nana. She loved a coupon. Anything. She would never throw it away. She would save her. She'd open up her purse. It was like a little file cabinet in there with all of her little discounts, $10 off, 50 cents off.

I couldn't get a Moses cup, so I got a Jesus cup. And I'm a Jew. But it gives me a little serenity when I drink out of my Jesus cup, even though I don't believe. Why is there a picture behind you of your wife with Louis C.K.? Oh, no. Louis, it's a middle act. It's me.

I'll tell you a funny story of Bonnie said. Like, whenever I bring up like 12-step theories or sayings to her, he always debunks them. And I always get bits out of them. So the other day, I was being negative. And she said, listen, if you think negative, negative things happen. And if you want a million dollars and think I want a million dollars, you'll get a million dollars, right? Right. So I said to her, I go, God gives you what you need, not what you want.

And she goes, really? Do you think Chelsea Handler needed a TV show? Do you think Jeff Bezo needed to make $33 billion in one month? I go, he has a better God. Another thing she debunked. You know, I was talking about doing comedy and being clean to her. And it's a bit I do on stage, but she made it a real bit. I go, you know, maybe God kept me clean because I'm on stage and I can carry her the message.

And she just started laughing and looking at me. Yeah, God killed Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy. So you could work at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone and carry the message. You know, doesn't your wife put you in your place a lot? Oh, 100%. 100%. I literally, just literally 20 minutes before I called you, I got a delivery out front. It's my book in paperback.

My book came out in paperback. Oh, cool. And she comes walking into the room and I'm like trying to act cool about it. I'm like, hey, look, my book's out in paperback. She was like, oh, cute. And just kept walking. I never finished. Bonnie's book from six years ago.

I didn't finish it. I couldn't read anymore. I don't want to know about the other comics. You should put it on tape. I don't want to know about the comics you dated. What are you kidding me? I can deal with Mark Cohen. That's it.

Oh, God. So do you and Bonnie sit down and eat together at night? Yeah, well, sometimes. You have like a dinner? Yeah, like if sometimes we'll have a dinner, all three of us with the kid and stuff. Yeah. But not that often?

Not as much. much as we were in the beginning of the pandemic. What about before a pandemic? Like just regular life? No, no, during the pandemic in the beginning and before we would, you know, at least on Sundays, my wife and I luckily have a, you know, we moved from the townhouse and the house so we'd have our own bedroom because this is before the pandemic. I'm coming in late 2 o'clock.

I snore. You know, I would wake her up in the middle of the night. So we have, I have a little bedroom. This is genius. Genius. some people say it's good, some say it's bad, whatever. You know, we've been married a year, way, way longer to me, but 17 years we've been together, you know.

Yeah, you're sleeping better, I guarantee you. Yeah. You're definitely better rested. Yeah. Sleeping together is a nightmare. Someone always ends up leaving anyway. Somebody in the middle of the night is getting their pillow pissed off and going off to the other room.

I was, in our townhouse, I was sleeping on the couch so much. I would just go downstairs. She would go, shut up, you're snoring. And I would be so mean when she woke me up. I'm not snoring, but how, you know, if she says, I would just go down to the couch. And, you know, and after sex, I could say, hey, look, you got to run. I'll call you in the morning. You know, I always give her one of my CDs as a parting gift.

Thank you. One of my bits. He squeezed it in. What a bodak. So. So funny. It's just, you know, 70. You're married a long time.

17 years, if you think about it, I mean, so much we've done together, so many pilots, so many, you know, her career, she's on fire now. She's the head writer for the Spirit Awards that are coming out, whatever it are called. She just created a TV show for Jessica Curzon. Bonnie created it. They're writing it together. You know, and they sold it to Peacock, at least for the pilot. Nice, nice. She gets writing offers all the time.

That's great. And, you know, and I get gigs here and there. So you're close to retiring is what you're saying. No, I, listen, I mentally, not financially, but, you know, comics never retire. You know, I just don't have, for some reason, I don't have the drive I had before the pandemic. You know, a little, you know, maybe it was great to slow, you know, I was going on a road all the time. Oh, yeah, you, for nonstop. Yeah.

And then you stop and then you start walking around your yard doing some landscaping, looking at the leak in the roof. You're like, this isn't so bad being home. It's not. It's less stressful. It really is. But the thing is, I love doing, I love being on stage and career. And the problem is the last year, I should be, you know, and this is an ego.

I have six albums. I wanted to do one more, seven. I go, that's enough for a career, seven albums. And I'm not even close to another one. Because the last year, I haven't really created anything. For me to come up with new stuff, I have to be on stage. Right. Think about it, test it out, get it right, and put an hour together.

Right, of course. And not even close. You know, I could do an hour of crowd work, which Bonnie said I should have done 10 years ago, but now everybody's done it. You know, Big Jay, Todd. But no one does it as good as you. Thank you. Really?

I'm not just saying that. That is true. Yeah, I just, but I shied away from it. I wanted to do material. I think my next album's going to be just stories, like story, stories. Stories from the yard. And then, and then a tick was on my lake. That's my second biggest fear in the world.

That's why I don't go camp. I have everything in the world to go camping. I have survived. I have everything, $1,000 worth of camp and stuff, but I'm scared of a tick. Not a bear. It's not a snake a tick. You're too funny. Well, thanks for doing this, Richard.

It really, really means a lot. I always say you are the funniest person I know, naturally funny person I know. Thank you. That's how I always say it. And then we get into arguments and I always give in. But I do start off saying that every time. Listen, I'm sorry if I talk too much. I don't, you know.

That's why you're here. But here's in these podcasts, this is my, you know, and you, you know, and you, of course I would do your podcast your radio show anytime but there's people they ask me to do podcasts uh you know before the pandemic I wouldn't even have picked up the phone uh you know now I'm taking showers before some of these podcasts I put a clone on for you thank you all right buddy I'll talk to you soon have fun this weekend tell some of you guys said hi all right buddy okay that was our interview with the great rich Voss. I told you. Weird.

Very weird. Who's putting a little George Foreman single burger thing in your suitcase with a squeasy tea? No, I can just about fit an extra charger for my iPhone. Oh, he's hilarious. His hotel room has got to be a disaster. Could you imagine being in the room next to him with the smell of burgers? coming through the door. Oh, I love him so much.

All right, now let's grab a quick bite with Bonnie McFarlane and find out what it's like to actually live with this man. Bonnie. What are you doing? Hi. Hello. How are you? I'm good.

I'm playing together a set list. That's where I am at in my life. Ah, that's very good. It's exciting, isn't it? I was just doing the same thing. I'm back. I did one set last Saturday, and going out again tonight.

Awesome. Where are you? I'm at West Side Comic Club. I must have booked it the long I found out through social media. I'm like, wait, what? Oh, really? You didn't even realize you had your gig. Yeah.

It's an outdoor show, too. I'm like, we can go indoors now. What's happening? Yeah, I know. Someone just posted safe outdoors. is like, dude, why? We're all fascinated. I'm taking my mask off and then I'm inside.

See later. I know. Let's go. Meet and greets. Whatever you want to do. Let's go. I'm not even taking my own mic anymore. I know exactly.

We're handing out Mike's club that Rich is going to be at in a couple weeks in Kansas City. He gets so mad because he's like, you know, listen. And I try to find. find out where he's at, I like, how is the flight? Was it long? And like, I'm looking up, I guess.

I don't know why. I'm always like, I have the same thing with Cynthia. I'll be like, she'll be like, so wait, you're in Milwaukee now? No. It's so in the forefront of your mind. Like last night, right? And I was like, wait, away. Like, he's been away.

Not here. I'm going to call it bad dude I'm like he's been gone for three days you just notice my daughter now whenever we talk about stuff that we did in our past my daughter her default is you were on the road for that

no pictures I was there oh no that's like because the memory it's the memory of the memory that gets carried on Right. Exactly. And I'm trying to rewrite it. I'm like, no.

Yeah. Like, wait, no, I went there. Rich, I was so funny because he was the first guy that I ran into on the road, like doing a one-nighter in Jersey. And he was so adamant that I eat the food because it was part of the deal. And you were to get your money's work. Right. You did this other video, right? Yeah.

Yeah. And then he showed me his suitcase for going away this weekend for how he passed. I can't fit like an extra pair of socks and he has tea kettles and grills. He hates every gift I gave him but one time I found this little tiny single George Foreman grill thing and it's like his life's blood like I've seen him like walking around like did I leave it? Did I just like you can get another one? There's seven dollars.

He's getting down to a science. I'm like, it's too much work just creating a restaurant in your days-in hotel room. I know. And you know what's so weird is that he has these rules. Like, he must be OCD or something or, like, mentally handicapped. It's never been addressed. But he has to follow the rules that he's created for himself. Like, when I was on the road with him, we were not allowed to rent a movie.

Like, I was like, in his mind, you can only have to write a movie. He has mine. You can only watch movies at night. And at night, clear in the day, we are not allowed to rent a movie. Is the same thing? Is he trying to save money,

or is it just an OCD thing? Like, he just has these. He enjoys saving money. Like, it makes him feel good. He gets, like, a hit of dopamine. That part of it, yeah, he does. Like, he's not, like, a cheap person. He's a generous person.

But he does, like, like, we have to get up and get the breakfast if there's a breakfast. I'll sleep through it. I go, there's nothing there for me. It's fine. Fine. Put me up an apple if you can't. No, you've got to.

No, it's all part of the deal. And I was like, why don't you just get a banana when you get to Kansas City? Why do you have to bring it with you? Oh, he called me and goes, I forgot my banana. I was like, New Jersey is the only place you get a banana. Within 10 seconds, it's brown. Like, what are you doing? Oh, I don't understand how he fits it.

I really don't understand. Like, if I bring, like, one extra shirt, I'm, like, stuffing it into the bag. He showed me a picture of his suitcase. He literally, does he bring, like, a steam trunk? I mean, it's also, like, you can't, like, have anything just sitting out in the hotel. Like, I'm sure the maids come in and they're like, well, there's nothing to do here when I leave. So he keeps all that stuff in the suitcase the whole trip? No, he hangs it up.

Like, let's say we get there and then I'm like, let's just go get lunch or let's just go, you know, whatever, you know. No, no, no, no. He's got to get his clothes hung up. He'll iron some stuff, hang it up, put out his toiletries. You know, he's got an hour and a half to do there when we get some. we can do anything else. And this is another one of his rules. No room service.

Never, never, never. What? Yeah, and so room rain and I go on the road together, we get room service all the time and, you know, keep it a secret. Don't tell him. But he'll be like, do you know how much, if you went and bought pasta yourself,

you get a box of pasta for 99 cents, you're paying you to what, 13, 15 for that? Yeah, because I'm in a hotel and someone has to make it. Yeah, and also I always think, like, it's included in the price you're getting paid as a comedian, like all this. Right. They're not paying you thinking you're, you know, like a, you know, migrant worker. They're paying you like you're going to be staying in a hotel. Right.

It's not all included in there. So go ahead and send it. He's like, we got him. The next are $10. Oh, it's a victory. Although, I will say, I just called, I was like, hey, because Raina was leaving today to go to Sixth Life with their friends. And I said, last night, I said, do you have, I go do some cash somewhere? And he was like, he goes, all right, it's, I don't want it to say where it is because he'll get mad if I say it.

But let's just say I had to unscrew something, so $2,500 in there. Now you're in my stack. Now he's going to move the stage. No, he's got to move it anyway. I'm like, God, you must be so happy that everyone's going back on the road. It's been a journey. It's been a journey.

It's really ill. I started to think, honestly, it's mentally handicapped. I swear to God, I was like, and I say it was all due respect, my sister is mentally handicapped, but I was like, have I been being mean to somebody who can't help it? That'd be nicer to him. of disadvantage. Oh, no.

It's so funny. Oh, my God. I thought of him last night when I was leaving, you know, you leave these clubs and they look at the little table of crackers and celery sticks and like, you want to take anything back to the room? I was like, no. I'm carrying this to my room. I was like, oh, Rich is going to take all of this.

No, and it's a weird thing. Like, he, like, two things collide. his brain, like, he wants to lose weight, but it's free food. So he comes home with, like, cake and stuff, and you're like, what do you do? I'm just going to have a couple bites. Well, why didn't you just get, like, a small flight? Like, I don't understand. Well, they offered me it.

They already had it cut. They put it in the box. I got him. Yeah, but he can't, like, I'm like. My God. All right. Well, I'm going to let you have some peace and quiet with. about Rich for another day.

Okay. You're the best. Okay. Good talking to you, Tom. You too, Bonnie. I'll talk to you soon. Okay. Bye.

All right, that's the big show, everybody. Thank you to Bonnie McFarland. Thank you for Rich Voss. Two great, great people. Make sure you go and see them live. They're both super, super funny. And you'll probably see all of us together at the Comedy Cellar soon when we're doing live, come to Papa's and all the rest of it.

Thank you so much for listening. Make sure you subscribe and give us lots of stuff. stars and lots of love and make sure you send us stuff on social media. And like I said earlier, what would you pay to receive some bread through the mail? You're the best. See you soon.