Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 66 - The Sklar Brothers

Episode Date: August 10, 2021

It's time for hilarious stories and big meals with the Sklar Brothers! And we grab a Quick Bite with Andrew Heaton, the author of Los Angeles is Hideous. He really means it...  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey! Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I am Tom Papa. You are my guests here at the table. We're going to welcome the Sklar brothers to the program today. Very, very funny comedians. I'm sure you know who they are. If you're comedy fans and listen to this podcast. I'm sure you know them. They're so funny. I've known them. Pretty much our whole careers, we've been in the same kind of moving along. Maybe I started a little before them. I'm not too sure. But known them forever. New York, L.A., hilarious. And I say in the middle of the podcast to Jason and Randy, I just feel like you guys continue to get better. And that is no

joke. They always, always improve. They were on live from here with me, the previous, the new version of Prairie Home Companion, which I was a part of for a while. And they came on and just knocked it out of the park. Joey, did you just drop your coffee? Joey's in the studio today and he's causing problems. They are so damn funny. I'm so happy to bring this conversation with them to you. Also, we would like to thank the good people at Helix Sleep. Helix Sleep. Okay, so we really love Helix Sleep. I sleep on Helix Sleep mattress. Take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. We ditched our old mattress. We took the sleep quiz, my wife and I. We both have different needs and desires

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So we have the Sclar Brothers coming up, and then we're also going to grab a quick bite. with comedian and author, Andrew Heiden. Very funny. He has a book called Los Angeles. Los Angeles is hideous poems about an ugly city. I really want to get to the bottom of that. I've never met him before, but we're going to give him a phone call. And anybody that's funny and shit's on L.A. like that right off the bat, I think we're going to get along with him just fine. So we'll grab that quick bite with Andrew in a little bit. The Sclar Brothers. Sclarborough country, Sclarborough country and Dumb People Town. Dumb People Town's so funny. I was a guest on that one. Great podcasts, great comedians. I have such a great conversation with them. They grew up in St. Louis.

And they have, they paint a picture of, I don't know how to describe it completely. You know, have you ever seen a Christmas story, that kind of Americana, blue collar, early days. I mean, it's not that, but it is that. They didn't grow up in the 40s. They didn't grow up in the 50s. They're late 70s, 80s kids. And but the picture they paint, I think just coming from a Jewish community within a city that loved family and food and connection, you'll see when they start going into it, talking about what they were fed and how they were raised and how their parents met is a classic story. And it just paints this warm. It evokes those feelings of like a Christmas story and that's early Americana. It just shows that it doesn't really, it's not bound to generation.

It's bound to spirit. And what they share was really great. I've known them for a long time, but to be able to hear their stories and hear the ins and outs of their family and how food tied into it all is just, it gave me a better understanding and appreciation of not only them, but our friendship, and you're really going to enjoy it. I guarantee you. It's funny because a lot of the stories and the foods that they bring up, I was raised in northern New Jersey, and we had a very large Jewish community portion of our school and all my girlfriends in grade school and high school or junior high. I wasn't really dating that much in grade school. We're Jewish. So I would end up going to the satyrs and going over for family dinners. And it was very similar to the experiences that I had

growing up in big Italian family. It was a lot of the same dynamics with the mothers and the fathers and the grandparents. The food, of course, was slightly different, but the experience and the sitting around the table and the laughter and all of that love was very, very similar. And I think that's why I really enjoyed talking to them. It just kind of brought back a lot of those memories and stuff. this in all candor. If you're comparing those two cultures, we're going to have to give a nod to the Italians on the cuisine. I don't think that's a big surprise. There's a lot of great stuff in the Jewish culture, food-wise, but you're up against the Italians. And look, we're not making this a fight, but we're just pointing out the differences.

between them, but I will also give a nod to the Jewish families because the conversations are a little better. They're funnier, they're just more quick-witted, they're just, you've got it. The Italians have got their mouths stuffed with food and getting some good laughs and big boisterous characters and stuff. But as far as just straight, fastballed down the middle, this is going to be a great conversation and it's just smart and snap to it. Sitting around those tables of my Jewish girlfriend's families was, as a young, budding comedian as a kid, I knew I was dealing with something else here. There was just, They're funnier.

They're funnier. There it is. I just said it. Sorry, my Italian friends. You're funny for a different way, but you get what I'm saying. So food for you, people, humor for the others. Great combination. A lot of overlap.

And you're really going to enjoy this one with Jason and Randy Sclar. Two of my favorite people. Enjoy. Would you eat today? So we guest hosted Jim Rome's radio and TV show, which meant... Nice. We had to wake up, I had to wake up at like 6.30, hop in a car and drive 45 miles down to, you know, I can't really reveal where it is, but we had to drive to a place. That's far from us.

Which is a TV studio and a radio studio. So I didn't get to do, normally I drink a cup of coffee in the morning and then I have a little something like late morning. Right. I kind of wait and don't have anything. So this morning, they get us coffee when we're there, which is really nice. So I had like an iced coffee when I was there. I came back up. I ate some circle crackers from Trader Joe.

Stale. Stale. I ate them too. They were stale. One piece of monster cheese. And then I had in a hot dog bun, a turkey sandwich from yesterday in Lake Tahoe when we were up there with the family to drive home. So it was like the sandwich we were supposed to eat in the car and I ate it on the way here.

Okay. So what Randy just described is it terribly sad. Like that's like the final meal someone has before they hang themselves, right? I'm going to make it sadder. Yeah. I went to the same place and did the same thing. I had Jenny Craig cinnamon rolls because I'm trying to be on Jenny Craig and lose weight. Oh, really?

They're breakfast cinnamon rolls, which they're good. I hate to say it. They're pretty good. They approximate what a cinnamon. It's not sin a bun. It's not like the thing that you really love. But it's like sin a bone. Simulation.

Like if someone has like a, it's sin a barly. It's sin a barly. Right. Like buns are like a beautiful, like you're saying like, ooh, he's got a nice set of buns or she's got a nice set of buns. Fleshy. Yeah. They're like, there's something. Imagine a bony ass, like a little medallion.

And so I have. Is it that big? It's like a quarter. Yeah. They're like, he enjoys this tiny portion that no human would ever eat. So I had that and then I had a handful of stale crackers. And then he hung himself. And I'm like, oh, what can I attach my belt to?

Because they're pretty rough. How tight is this? working this is working day food this is like this is working day food and we just man that's it's like you're back at it like six o'clock in the morning it's like this is you know the river started roaring again i can't i'm not in control of of what i wasn't you know we so if you are on a crazy workday as you know our days are just nuts if you're on a work day you're on a set yeah and they're like well you got to get up at 530 because your calls at 615 you got to be in the chair at this time and that time you're you're thinking what are my lines what is the scene

what I have to prep for. How do I get ready for this? And you're like thinking in your mind, you're not thinking like, what's my breakfast? What's my lunch? How am I going to do? No, I'm going to walk over the craft service

and eat 15 Fing Newton's and call it a day. So if you're home, it sounds like you're similar to me. You'll do like a cup of coffee with no food and just kind of chill with that to start. Chill that till like late morning where then if there's something, I mean, again, I did Jenny Craig with him for a while. So if you're doing, yeah,

we're your aunt, by the way. We're doing Jenny Craig. Why Jenny Craig? Because our cousin, our cousin and her husband both lost like 35 pounds on it and they had the most frank honest I'm not going to sell you on this thing this is why it works conversation with us and I was like try it they're like you can do it that's what they kept on saying is you can do it and I was like I don't know and they're like you can do it because food I mean food for us for the Jews and also just

for us yeah for these two Jews is our alcohol it is the drug of choice for the Jewish people. Right. It's so funny you say it, and I'm sorry to interrupt you. No, please. But I have wine here all the time. And I was saying to Aaron, my producer, I was like, we haven't had wine with anyone in a long time.

No one really drinks wine. And we're always, a lot of times we come in the middle of the day, a lot of Jews. And then I was thinking this morning, I was like, oh, yeah, we're probably not going to drink. I'm going to ask them why the Jewish people don't really drink. Because I grew up with all Jews, all my girlfriends were Jewish. and a lot of my great friends are Jewish

and not big drinkers. They're all about the sweets. Suites and food. That to me is more enjoyable. Like if you told me, hey, Jason, you are not allowed to take another drink for the rest of your life. That's just a fact from now on. I would say, okay, that'll be tough maybe on those like post Friday night shows on the road,

post show two. I know I get to sleep in the next day. I want a beer. Fine. Right. But I can live with that. If you told me, hey, you don't get to eat potato chips anymore. Oh.

I would be turning out of tables and like, yeah, just so mad. Yeah, kicking people, punching people. Like, don't take that away. Don't take my baby away from me. I'd be like hangary, even though I've just eaten like angry, hungry. Those things, they make you have. I don't know. I mean, I'm trying to sort of someone, I was at, I was at a friend of my daughter's parents

who we kind of just are, you know, because you, you, you, do that when they're really young, but we haven't really done it a lot recently, but there's these twin girls that are friends with my youngest daughter, so they're all about 14. And the parents are really cool, and they're super nice, and they just live in a different part of town than us. And so, you know, we're over at their house, and he was drinking like a bourbon or like us. He was drinking a scotch. And I was like, I never do that. I never ever do it. I was like, how is that? Is it super, I mean, I'm going to feel like I'm drinking like rubbing alcohol. like talk to me about this.

He's like, no, it's actually pretty good. And I'm going to drop a huge ice cube in it. I'm going to pour just this much in it. And I was like, treat me like a baby who's never had it. Like, you know how you give a baby whiskey? And there's also a moment where you're like, wait, you're watering it down. You're doing everything you can to try and take the actual taste of this thing out. But there was a, so the ice eventually melted in it.

And there was like a process to it. And it was almost like, not that I'm not a smoker. I don't, never really smoke cigarettes. We had to do it like a little. bit on for some TV shows and stuff and it was like really hard to do. I've smoked cigars in my day and like there was the I don't I don't love that but there is a like a process to smoking a cigar and a good monochristo number two from Cuba is just like sublimely great. Yeah. It's just the process is great. The ritual. I enjoyed the ritual of this thing and over the night I just nursed this small thing

and it actually was good. I was like well okay. Maybe this will be a thing and like a new thing for me or I'll try that. Those are grown-up pursuits. Like that is a grown-up way to do it and you just have the one and it's like a little bit of a thing. It was nice. Yeah. The whole thing was, I kind of got into the whole thing of it. You know, my kids are like, why? My kids are up the age where they're starting to like where people are drinking. Right. Like, why do you do it? Why do you do it? Does it taste good? I'm like, no. No. No. We were at a Mexican restaurant. My family and I took like a RV trip around Colorado. Oh, beautiful. Utah. Don't ever do that. Do not ever take an I took it for you, so don't do it.

Empty the septic pump once and you're like, why am I suddenly working? I didn't know I was suddenly going to take a job in sanitation for two weeks. Why am I suddenly working for the city? And so it was awful. But like, so we were at a Mexican restaurant and I had a huge frozen margarita and my 16-year-old and I was like, here, just try this just so you can see what it tastes like because I'm like, I'd rather you do it in front of me. Sure.

And I'd rather we talk about what it tastes like than, you know. And she's like, yeah, it's just not my thing. was like, he's like, it's not great. I'd rather have a one that doesn't have any of that stuff in it. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah. It just tastes better.

So great. I had the same thing with my daughter who came back from college. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, oh, she's back. This is so exciting. She's a freshman. I'm like, I'm cooking. And I open up a bottle of wine.

Would you like some? She goes, no, I don't really like wine. I don't really. I'm like, and my wife's like, you don't drink at school? No. I was like, wow, that's pretty great. Yeah. That's crazy.

She goes, I just smoke weed. Yeah. Oh. And then we find out it's been happening since she was like a sophomore. Wow. Straight-A student like like sky. She can handle her wheat. But weed I think is kind of becoming the drinking of this generation.

That's right. Which is better actually. Better because you're more controlled. No one gets into a fight when they're on weed. It's the truth. No one like suddenly is like I need to go dive into that pool on wheat. Right. Exactly.

My favorite Instagram account. I think I've seen you guys like stuff on it. Drunk people doing things. Oh yeah. Yeah. my God. It's just a gold mine. Well, it's like dumb people town. It's like, you're on our podcast, Dump People Town.

It's like, this is where the dumb stuff happens. It's like, what's the blood alcohol? Like, you have the idea and alcohol says you can do it. Yes. Alcohol's like, go for it. Yeah, man, you got this. You should try it. Yeah.

And Weed is like, let's watch that guy do it. Yeah. It's like, what? That'll be fun. We don't need to be a part of it. We'll sit back here and you know. I want a show right now. Yeah.

Yeah, it's, it is kind of interesting to think about like that. how alcohol and food like combined too. Like what, what alcohol does to your desire to like eat stuff? Because I think about how we, you know, it invites you to eat the crappy thing late. Yeah. Right.

I'm sorry. I'm too distracted. I'm just flashing to, because you said drinking, the best Instagram post of the entire last year and a half was the two of you at that bar mitzvah. Oh my God. Or bat mitzv.

I don't know. Bat mitzv, our friend, Mindy Stein, yeah. I'm telling you. We were not drunk. That, you weren't drunk, but you look like little, and it's funny. Like, when you talk about the rituals of drinking, that's like how we, like, of course, as entertainers, you're like, I don't really like it, but if I could play the role of a

guy drinking scotch. Right. I would. That's cool. If I could be the guy with a cigar, like sitting in having a conversation. We were that at 13. You were that at 13. I watched that a hundred times.

I know. Our voices sounded so weird. Like, I'm iny Stein. Thank you for Thanks for having us At this facility I'm like Who am I?

I was like I'm like it's me I'm the better half And then some girl sitting down there I was like it's all right You'll get it some dange Just for our listeners They're passing the

They're taking the VCR around And they're recording the Bhatt Mitzma A message to the Bat Mitz of a girl And we hijacked it And turned it into like a stand-up set You literally did And you are so You are so yourself

and you're so not yourselves. You're the seeds of yourselves. You're doing schick. You're like, you're confident. But then there's also one of you, forget which one made a joke. It didn't really land and you walked away like,

I could see in your head like, damn it, I should have said. I got to rework that. I got to rework that. Yes. And we weren't working together. We were all on our own roads.

But like John Levinestein, who's such a great writer. He wrote on Arrested Development, he went on a bunch of stuff. He's just really talented. He was like, where is this confidence coming from? And I'm like,

that's both a, compliment and a cut down at the same time. He's right. He's right. We shouldn't have had that much confidence. I don't know what we were. It was just because it was just camera turned on. Mike went on and we were like, this is our chance to play. Let's start dancing. I loved it. It was so great. And I showed Cynthia. My wife, Cynthia, she knows you guys. And it was like, she had the same thing. It's like, it's like, it's like, looking at like, you know, your loved ones baby pictures or something. You're just like, look at them. They're doing. They're doing it. They're already have an act. But also like. And you're dressed like a. I know. Because we're in suits. Three piece suits. Bests.

But the thing of it is, because we're around the same age, there's not a lot of video footage of all of us at that age. You can't go back to our Instagram feed. I heard my voice there and I was like shocked. Right. Our accents were even weird. They were like super St. Louisie.

And weird. And we were like, teamsters. It was like. What a gift. What a gift. It was so great. Thank you.

So who did all the cooking in St. Louis when you were growing up. It was a mix between our mom and our dad. Our dad cooked a lot. Yeah. He loved to cook. So he would love to cook like big ticket items. Oh yeah.

He would make like a cornish hen. Right. He would make like the turkey and he had the electric knife to carve it. And he would love to make the grill stuff. And he was a bigger guy. So like the electric knife in the other room as we're watching like the Macy's Day. Like it's going through there. Not Macy's Day.

It's later in the whatever football games in the afternoon. And you knew that like half of the, Half of it would be on the plate and half of it. He would be tasting. Just you're chewing. Right, along the way. So he would make that. And he used to make like salami and eggs, which he would make it for like in the morning,

which was just great. Just like a piece of salami on the thing and then eggs. And it was just like, and then he would make it for you and he'd lay it down for us. And he'd be like, that's a $4.99. There's a five-hour breakfast. Five-dollar breakfast for you right there. This is great. Where did he grow up?

St. Louis. We grew up in St. We grew up in St. And so. And his dad owned a. poultry shop for a while. Like they sold, they were like a butcher.

They sold people, their meats in town, and then they owned a grocery store. And so he was always around food and kind of knew the ins and outs of like making a brisket and making a few things like that. So he could do that. And then they also would make like Jewish food. There were some amazing Jewish dishes. Like there was a Jewish dish called grievance, which is fried chicken fat fat. Oh, fried chicken fats.

You fry it. It gets like super. Crispy. Dark and crispy. And it's all these little like nuggets of this chicken bat. And they would be always on a paper towel because they'd try and drain some of the grease. So they wouldn't murder you like. But it's all grease.

Seep through the countertops and stuff. And our dad would be like, there's grieving us. And we'd like be running from wherever we were and just he would make Russell, which was like a very thick split piece souped kind of a thing at your soup. And they would also make fried matzo, which was they made, they each made it different ways. Like mom made it much. more like a it was like all one piece and you flip the whole thing over like almost like a giant omelets so it's matza that you wet the boards right and usually like egg and onion or garlic

matzo is always the better ones you wet the boards you get them nice and wet then you put them rack a couple eggs and into a bowl and you beat the eggs and then you crumble up the matzah into the eggs and mix it around so the eggs is just basically it's an egg matzah soup lots of butter on the pan and then you pour it in and you let it she would let it become one giant omelette so to speak and then take the whole thing and flip it over and it would get like dark and gold like brown and crispy it's so good she put a little more butter on top it was so good and our dad would make it more like scrambled eggs so like he had all the peat they all did start out the same but then he would kind he would constantly be messing right right right right so his moms versus dads dads dads was a little

less crispy and we always loved moms because it was just like yeah like the right amount of crunch She was not a great cook otherwise, made a few things really well. I mean, she always told the story of when she made matzaballs for her, for our dad's mom and her parents for the first time she cooked for them. And she made them all the size that she thought that they would be. So like, she rolled it up and it's like the size of a fist. You know, you've made matzabal and that's how it appears. But no one told her that you have to start them like this big and they'll grow to be what they are. The water expands them.

So like she came back in and like the pot was over. Overflowing. It was like, larger than this. It was like huge. And she would just like, so she made those mistakes while she cooked. But if you added, if you added eggs to that matz, is that matzabri pretty much? So matzabri, we called it fried matzah, but that's what it is.

Right. That is same thing. That's what it's called. But, you know, it's funny because I have, I've seen it at restaurants. Yeah. Delis and stuff like that. Yeah. No one makes it better than our, our mom and dad did.

No. There's those things that like if they, if they fed you, there's just no communities. competing with it. I bake a ton of bread and I started making holla and forget it. I can make, I can only make Christians happy with it. Yeah. Because they have no idea. And you show your Jewish friends are like, yeah, it's good. It's good. It's good. Mom made it or grandma made it in a certain way. I'm going to say something right now that'll shock people. Trader Joe's has a good holla. Really? It's sweet and soft. Those are the two things you need. Eggy, sweet and soft. That's what you want.

Yeah, the sweet. The drier it is, the worse it is. You don't want to make a flaky holla. I like a little weight to it. That's me, but that's me. You want it to be a little doughy and a little bit like, and soft. A little spongy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The sweet, it's funny. You can tell a lot of people went heavy on the sugar without telling their family. Yeah. Why is this so good? Why do I want to eat the whole thing?

Well, because I poured a cup of sugar in there. When you talk about, when you talk about, like, the poultry shop and these and your family and stuff it like conjures up like a like an old timey neighborhoody St. Louis like it sounds like it sounds like you know like like Brooklyn. Yeah it was so our dad grew up around Washington University in an area called University City and so and for those kids growing up at that time yeah 50s like they had all of them and by the way all those people who grew up with him were the parents. of our friends who moved out west.

So imagine St. Louis starts on the river and everything kind of works west from there. So you have the city, and then you kind of have St. Louis University, which is closer to the city, then you move out a little bit further west, and you've got University's City, which is Washu and Forest Park,

which is, you know, kind of a big, like, Central Park type of thing. And then you start to move west, and further west is Lidu and Clayton, which are nice suburbs. And, you know, like the Helium Club is kind of right around Clayton right there in that mall. And then you go further out,

and that's Krieve core, which is where we lived, which was even the west suburbs, and you just keep going further. Got it. And it kept expanding out there. But our dad lived in University City, and all the people who then became parents of our kids, they all grew up together.

There was like a hamburger place, like 1950s called Hamburger Heaven, and they just called it H. And they would all like go to H on Friday night and they would all hang out. It was very much like Greece or like American Graffiti. Right to the future. American graffiti.

Right. And it was like, that. It was like you walked around and you knew the butcher and you knew these guys and those, everyone knew each other and they opened their house and stuff. Actually the Jews because it was a smaller titanid Jewish people. Yeah, right. Oh, not that many. Well, there were pockets. There were, St. Louis was a, St. Louis remains like a super segregated city, which is super sad for that city because it has everything. It's just super, it's like everything is segmented. But there's a massive Italian community in St. Louis. Right. There's a area called the Hill that has tremendous

Italian restaurants. Like amazing. Toasted ravioli. That's a, that's a St. Louis dish. Right. They took ravioli, which is already, filled it with meat, fry it, bread it, and fry it.

Nice. Then put parmesan cheese on top of that, and then you dip it into a bowl of meat sauce with cheese on top of it. Oh, my God. Incredible. I mean, and then there are gourmet places in St. Louis, like,

salt and smoke, which is a barbecue place that fills Toaster ravioli with like burnt and barbecue. It's just like brilliant. So when you look at the Jenny Craig menu, how many times do you get that? You don't get it as much as you want. No, Jenny Craig would give you like half of one of those. Scratch and sniff.

You get to smell it. Like ravioli is plural. Like I guess one raviolis. A raviolis. I have one raviolis. Man, it's such a, it's like, and did they meet there that they meet in like school? your parents? Our parents met in...

This is such a great... And it was because of food, and food brought them together. It's so cool. My dad, well, my dad was able to do, but like, they met in Cincinnati. Uh-huh.

My mom was from Canton, Ohio. Went to Ohio State. Okay. Our dad was St. Louis and went to Washington University at night because he worked during the days to pay for himself to go through school. Uh-huh.

And then my mom got a job in Cincinnati because that was the big city that wasn't Cleveland in Ohio. Right. And my dad got a job. He was working at a place like a Dunder Mifflin place in St. Louis called Tension Envelope. Oh, yeah. It wasn't like Mark Tension or like Dave.

Why would you put tension in the name of your office? Go to a place of just, where are you going? I'm going to tension. Like I'm going to lose my friend. Aren't they, do I know them? I don't know. It's possible. Yeah.

So, yeah, they were around. They were a paper company and he would sell paper and envelopes and stuff to people. Kind of like Dunder Miflin is the office. It's literally the office. And he and, but he got a job or got some. in Cincinnati. And he needed, or I guess my mom needed a roommate. And she put an ad in for a roommate because her roommate left and got married.

And she didn't specify gender. She forgot to specify the gender. And so our dad was looking for a roommate. And he contacted her. And she was like, oh, God, no, I was, I actually wanted a woman. And I can't do it. And it's 1967. Yeah, 66, 67.

And so I think my, my. dad was like, well, do you want to have dinner or something? And she did. And so he said, I'll make you dinner. And so he... Off the first phone call? I think so. Yeah. It was very fast. And he made her this dinner and I think it was Cornish Hens and like a bunch of other stuff that he made. And she was like definitely impressed. And like he needed like game. Because our mom was a relatively attractive woman and our dad was an overweight dude who had like tons of personality and also. It's like a funny, gregarious. Oh, yeah.

Like, he could dance well. He cooked pretty well. He could bowl. He could play tennis. Like, he was just this interesting guy of many different. But he was not like, you didn't look over and say, like, who's that attractive man? He was going to win you. He had to win you over with, like, his name.

His name was Dick. Dick? Our parents had the best names. This was an old joke of ours. Dick and Annette Sclar, which, of course, brings the surface our own favorite joke. How do you catch a dick with Annette? Thank you. It's good writing, Tom Bob.

It's good writing for nine-year-old kids. Yeah. But it was, I mean, but they, and she, good on her for like, you know, he wooed her. He like did it with like food. She loved him with his. And five weeks later, he got transferred back down to St. Louis and he was leaving. And he was like, come with me to St. Louis. Just come with me to St. Louis.

I just come on this trip with me. So he goes back to St. Louis. He's looking for a place and he introduces her to his parents. Right. And is like. I don't want you to go back. I want you to stay with me. I want to get married and they got married.

Wow. He's no longer around, but like they were married. 40, 42 years. Amazing. Crazy. That's so great. Five weeks.

Five weeks. Isn't that crazy? God, he had good game. Different world. It was a different world. But I mean, it's like, who knew? You just knew that this person would stick around.

I don't know. Yeah. Maybe just super perceptive. Man. Yeah, like, I guess he just knew. It was one of those things where you know. Yeah. God knows.

Like, that's the crazy. I think also that time, like, people were getting, it was like important for people to get hitched and connected when they were younger and there wasn't like a, I'm waiting for my man. Yeah, there was an outside pressure. And yeah, there was that outside. So I think all those factors came together. And then they lucked out because they had a very similar, like, approach to family and to parenting and to, you know, that's hard. Once you get into a relationship, you have kids and like, one's like, I'm going to take this thing off here and leave. at all on the other person.

That's never, or I don't want to ever see your parents ever again. Or, you know, like, I'm not into going to family functions and stuff like that. That's hard. Yeah. I would have crushed them both. Yeah. Forget it. Luckily, you know, my parents both said, I will accept your crazy family.

Yeah. I will come hang for their nonsense and I won't be there. I'm here for it. And, like, that was remarkable. It's so cool. I really, when I hear those stories and that time, it just seems like, and I maybe just we're craving it coming out of what we're coming out of, but that sense of community, and it's not even like people that, like, you know, hang with.

It's just that, like you said, you know the butcher and that, and you know the florist, and they all know you. Like, those people knowing you and giving you this sense of, like, belonging in your town, it's, uh, I don't know. I just crave it. And it feels like, I'm sure. And it's not everywhere, but do you do that here with like your people and the places you go?

Yeah, which was a really hard part with the, like, wearing the masks. Right. Because that, it killed that part of it. It wasn't like seeing my parents or like that. We knew that was coming back. But it was like, I'm in the supermarket. I've got three girlfriends over 65 that work, that are cashiers at the supermarket. And I, you know, all that. That's right. I try and build it all the time. But it's not, it. I do it. It just seems different like when the story you tell. I do it. There's a woman who's at our, the cleaners. that I go to. She's wonderful.

And she looks like the woman from, played by a man from the Incredibles, Edna Mode. She looks like her. And she's this lovely Asian woman who is so cool. And her husband is really cool. I think he was in the Army. And I think they couldn't have kids. But she's always been so lovely to my kids. And I, you know, because I would bring my son in when he was two.

And so whenever I'm with my son and driving there to the cleaners to pick something up, Because a lot of times he'll be like, I'll wait in the car. Yeah. Just be on his phone. And I'm like, no, no, no, you got to come in. Say hi. You have to say how to Nancy. You got to say how to Nancy.

And so he'll come back in and he'll be like, Nancy. And she's like, yeah, you're so big. And like, we'll all hang out and talk for a little bit. I'm like, that's the best. You have to do. You have to do that. That's part of. Totally.

It is this unseen fabric of the world we live in. Yeah. That is like, again, as comedians, I feel like we are constantly trying to throw that rope out to the audience. To be like, connect with me. This is our idea about X here. We're going to now demonstrate it through a scene that Jason and I are going to play out. But you'll relate to this. Here's the line and just grab on.

Trust us. We're constantly doing that. Why wouldn't we do that in our regular lives too? Yeah. No, you're exactly right. We have a donut shop in our old neighborhood, which is like six miles from our new neighborhood. And it's just this little, you know, those little L.A. strip mall donut places. And she always remembered my daughter.

and to this day we're like and then she's like 19 now yeah and it's like should we see if she still remembers yes and you look in and she'll take her a beat

and be like oh you're so big she knows your daughter better than you know her she's like how's the weed smoking you know that too she's like yeah it's weed more than drinking I know I know her I know hello we're donuts

yes no one gets drunk and orders donuts you get I in order donuts she's been she's been getting donuts behind your backs since she's a sophomore How did you know? How did you know? Damn it.

So you guys have some milestones with the kids, right? You've got some, I saw some graduating. Yeah, I have a 16-year-old. And I have one that's going to high school next year. She's going to be 14 in a month, which is just, you know, two teenage girls living in the house. Randy and my life. Randy and I were talking about this.

I don't think Obama gets enough credit for being president with teenage girls. Right. Like he'd be coming in like he'll hey hey guys dinners in like five shut off get out of here You're such an idiot oh sorry I'm gonna go back to killing bin Laden I'm gonna I got your theater Tots are ready on the fucking idiots like you know it's like God you're the worst god get him out of here mom he's being so annoying you got a knock You got a knock I dropped my 16 year old daughter at camp yesterday You got a knock You got to make at least a service secret service guy

knock for you. At least text or whatever because it's like so weird. Because like what if I was changing and you walked right in? And he's like, oh, so I'm going to get back on the phone with China because at least they respect me. At least there's a pathway for communication. Jerks. So I dropped my 16th year old daughter off at camp. And like we went on a trip to Lake Tahoe beforehand.

I tried to schedule all this so that like we could do it all. Have like a family trip. And then since we were up there, I was dropping her in Northern California and we got over there. And the younger one is like, why do we have to drive all the way over here? And the older one is like, I just want. wanted to be at home so I could see my friends. Like, I'm glad you got to have your trip. I'm like, this was for all of us.

So I drop her off and they're wonderful. I joke that I love them both. They're wonderful, awesome kids. And I drop her off and like, of course, because it's code, there wasn't camp last year. The last time I dropped her off was two years ago and that was our first time ever at this camp. So there isn't like, I was like, I think I drive in here. And there's like a sign that's like exit only.

And I'm like, I think it's the way I'm supposed to go. The worst position. Ever to be in a car full of people. A car full of three women. Three women. Two young women and my wife. Like to take a flyer on something that isn't the right thing. You know like,

you know the dad fucking, you know, you're like going into quicksand that you'll never get out of it. You got to lean into it at that moment. So I park it and I'm like, you've driven a car into the lake and you're watching the water go up in the car and you can't have got it. And I'm like,

Daddy did this. Bubble. And I was like, So I parked the car and I get her huge duffel bag out and her sleeping bag and the pillow and we're carrying it. We're like, where do we drop the stuff off? Because it was dropped off up here last time. And they're like, oh, no, you guys got to go down there. Just walk down that path.

And meanwhile, it's like straight down. It's really go down this path and I go to the thing and, you know, it's hot and I've got all this stuff. And I literally, this is how nicely I asked the person sitting at the tent checking people. And I was like, where do I drop this off? And my 16-me-old daughter was like, please do not make a scene. I was like, I am just trying to drop your thing off.

I have no idea what I'm doing wrong here. Like, don't make a scene. I'm like, what do you want to? A scene would have been like, bitch, where do I put this? Where do we drop this shit?

I'm going to drop seven end bombs and walk out of this place. That's a scene. You don't know. I don't think you understand what a scene is because dad's held it together. Do you want me to make a scene? Yeah. I can make a scene. We're performers.

We can drop this thing. And so it just was. like there are moments where it's like intense that stuff. And then just intensely cool. They're wonderful adults who are. The greatest. Yeah. Doesn't that feel like it's a great connecting point?

I felt like older. We talked about it's in our stand-up too. Like we couldn't wait for our kids to be older, to be able to sort of. No, I did. I always said, like, I can't wait for them to be able to sit in a diner with me. Right. Like the baby thing was like cute and all, but I was like, I want to sit. It's work.

have an omelet and talk. That's right. And do your kids love that you do what you do? Do they understand that, you know, they understand it obviously. It took a long time though. Like it took like a long time for them to realize because they're not, they don't really want to know too much. Right.

Like even like early teens, they're like, like if I could, if I could get them to meet someone like I did a tonight show and they met Miley Cyrus and they were like, all right, and he's cool like that. This is cool. And then I'd go do Conan and they didn't know the lead guests. They'd be like, no, we're going to stay home. And it was like, they just said, no, it was like I was their Uber driver to Conan. I wasn't performing on Conan.

I was just driving them to meet people. But now, I think now, like, they see that we've kind of carved out this odd life. Yeah. Like, we're not a dad that has, like, a straight job. Right. And it's kind of funny. And, you know, if they tag you, they get more followers. So, like, that part of it.

They see someone out who, like, is a stranger who's like, Oh, I saw you and I love your thing, whatever. Totally. Then they take note of that. They're like, yeah. Maybe he does have some value. Yeah, maybe he's got something. But, and yours?

So my son is now 12 and a half, almost 13. Okay. And he's now at the age where he's gotten super into skateboarding in the last year. And so he is at the age now where we will drop him at a skate park with like three or four of his friends at like 11. in the morning and he'll be like get me at seven tonight. Wow. And he'll just skate.

Oh, good for him. And I'm like, I kind of like that. Kind of awesome. It's outside. It's not, yeah. It's a passion for something. I mean, it is also wrapped up in them being like, him and his friends being like, let's get our clips so we can cut together and edit so we can post it on Instagram.

And I'm like, that's also kind of cool. Creative as well. Huge. But it's like this cool. And to watch him like get good at this thing is very cool. And then I have a little. And he's also at a great age where like we watch. all the office together.

We watched from start to finish parks and rack. We just started 30 Rock. I'm like, watch the rest of the development. I'm like, let me give you the education on airplane. We're watching airplane. This movie is funny? He's funny. He's funny.

The other day we were in Orange County. We were down in Orange County at Mission Viejo for 4th of July. And he didn't like pose it as a stand-up bit, but I'm like, that's kind of a stand-up bit. He's like, okay, here's the deal with every Orange County mom. And I'm like, okay, you're doing the setup. Here we go. I'm with you.

I'm with you. He's like, they're all white. And I'm like, you're okay. You're close. He's like, they're all blonde. And I'm like, you're right. And they're always on their, and they're all on their phone. He said it like that.

And I'm like, that's really funny. And he's like, and their kids look like they should love each other, but they're always fighting with each. It's kind of right. He's like, why are they always in an aggressive stance? I'm like, yes, that's a comedy book. It's so funny. It's like a great idea. He is good.

So he is definitely funny. And he was sitting with my cousin and talking to my cousin, who's our age, who I love, who like went to Michigan with us. And she's like our sister almost. And she, and I was somewhere else. I was with my seven-year-old daughter, like swimming in the lake. And I came back. And she said, oh, I think it's so cool that your son wants to be a comedy writer like you. And I was like, that's awesome.

First of all, I'm also a performer. No. No, but I am a comedy writer. Don't limit. but I think that's cool that he and and I'm like I also have to tell him that's a really hard life and he might not ultimately want to do that but she was like yeah but regardless that's his way of saying he admires what you do yeah that's huge and that's that's great and he is like that he is he is like for a boy which I think it's harder for you guys have girls you only know that yeah I know son is like this very loving a mom emotional, like huggy, like arm around me doesn't care. Like if we're in public, he'll drop in the skate park, he'll give me a kiss goodbye. So great.

And I'm like, I take it all because I'm the hugiest. I love it all. He's like a golden retriever and my daughter is like a cat. And he gets pissed at her. She's seven and he always wants to like come up and give her a hug. And she's always like, no. And then when she says no, his response is to like jack her in the face. Which I'm like, can't call that far.

But I hear you. But my daughter's love. But I hear you. But my daughter's love is like, of course, you have to earn it so hard. You have to work so hard for it. But it's the best, most beautiful thing in the world. She is like a wild animal. They surprised you.

When they just do those things that like, my daughter, when I would go on the road, like, early, like that, you know, the 430 bust out. And she went through a year where she would just get up. She was probably 10. And her nightgown totally out of it. the sleeps you'd hear me coming. And just to give me a hug before I went up the stairs and out the door. The best. The best. Yeah, you live on that.

You live on that as you head out to where you are. But you have to, it's such a balancing act. I remember we had, and I don't, I mean, we had a comic on our show, a guy we looked up to in the 90s, a really, really great comic who had success. So we had them on our podcast who had success and TV show and everything. And then, you know, moved out to kind of like in the valley and a big house and whatnot. and he had to pay for and everything. And it's like, you don't get a TV show every year.

You got to get on the road. You got to do all this stuff. Right. So he's out on the road. And I'll never forget this story he told us. Never. And it really guides the way we sort of view what we're doing. And he was like, one day I was like at some, you know, stupid hotel like on the side of the road

next to like a fud ruckers and a Ruby Tuesdays and something else. And it's like raining and I'm like really depressed. And then I realized that that day it was my daughter's birthday. And he's like, our dad. just, what am I doing? What am I even doing? Like, did I really need to do this gig? Did I really need to do this at this time of this thing? And I said, well, what's your relationship like with her now? And he's like, it's terrible. No. And I just never forgot that. That stuck with me all the time was like, okay, you sometimes have to say, I'm not going to be as good at what I do.

Right. So that I can just be around them a little bit more. I thought that story's going to have a happier ending. No. It's terrible. Well, the happy ending is it was a lesson for us to like, And there have been moments where we're like, should we do this? And we're like, nope, let's not go. Or we'll get off stage after having like a rougher set somewhere. And we'll be like, man, we got to get up more. We got to get up more. We got to get more.

And then we're like, or do we? Really right now. Yeah. You know, have you found that you going back after taking the sabbatical, which none of us would have taken unless it was forced upon us, do you feel like you have a little bit bitter handle on how much you actually have to do to keep good? We've always, that's a great question. We've always, I think, like, tried to be strategic about it.

We're like, all right, let's stack all our sets on a Thursday night. Let's try to get two or three in. And then that's like we've been up three times this week. And then that's what we do? Yeah. And so we've tried to be. Because what's the difference of doing it like Monday, Wednesday, and Friday? Yeah.

What is the difference between doing that or doing three sets in one night? And if your family's like, oh, he's, so you're just out Thursday. You're here Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night. it's a limiting fact. It's a way to mitigate the life and to make it work. It's smart. And sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn't.

But like I think we realize that like it's just a law of diminishing returns. We could probably be about 18% better if we got up every night of the week. We could probably write a new special every year and we could probably do that. But as it stands, we can just do it now every two years. And we can and we'll get better as we do things and we'll get, you know, it's, It's like the choices you have to make so that we can be there. And just as an outside observer and this kind of supports, it took me a while, it took the pandemic for me to actually think about what you're describing because it was just go all the time. And then after coming back, it was like, oh, it turns out after 25 years, you kind of know what you're doing.

Yes. And those sets are not wasted where when you're younger, they're kind of like, they're kind of wasted that way. Yeah. But just from an outside observer, like, knowing, hearing that you work that way, and you guys have gotten so good in, like, recently. Like, there's still so much growth. And, you know, I've said this to you guys countless times, but I'll say it for our listeners. And you guys came on Prairie Own Companion, live from here. And it was just, and I was kind of the one thing, like, you guys put these people on the show.

I was kind of a comedy thing. And you guys were so good at such a different level. than even I was promoting to those people. Thank you. It was a great set for us. So there's gotta be, so I, my, my theory is that you are living your lives and you have experience and that's making all the work deeper, better.

It has to and then you go up and like you said, you are like, okay, let's really be smart about let's do this set, see how it feels because you know, sets are different. Like if you go up, there's a great new show in Los Angeles called Supernova, which is a really fun show. And it's just the crowds are great and you're trying your stuff out and you're, you're going to get a great response. If you're a good comedian, you're going to get it.

You know, you get up at the store and you're in the main room and you got to, you come after that's tag team and whatnot, even though the other thing is tag team, you got to really bring it. And you have to bring it in a certain way. And it may not be the exact, it's just a different room of people. It may not even be the people that see you when you go out on the road. Yeah. So it's just a different set of skills.

So, like, we go into each one and we're like, okay, let's figure out. out how we're going to do this, how are we going to wipe the slate clean? It was just there before us and then get into our stuff. And it becomes much more analytical beforehand. We register it as we're doing it. And then afterwards, it's like usually like a post-mortem on, okay, this worked, this didn't work. Why is this not working?

Do we keep trying it? Do we take it back to the lab? We're not giving this up. We can't give this up. Right, right. Do you, like when I have a set roll up, like I'm not working tonight, but if I was, I haven't done anything since my last set. I haven't looked at my notes.

Right. I haven't done really any work. So it's like one of those like when you, do you show up and one of you has done the work and one of you has not? Or do you kind of communicate during the day? Oh, we'll talk as we'll talk as we're driving there. Uh-huh. So we'll call each other to number one, check what we're wearing. Yeah, I'm like that doesn't look similar.

Yeah. Right. I don't want to look at night. Even in the same show. Oh, really? If there's a Western shirt, then I'm going topless. What? It's that.

So, but we'll do that. And then, you know what, for us, we just, it's like bits. For us, like, it's not just individual jokes. It's like everything is a longer bit. So like things are in like certain levels of construction. So like here's an example. So we have an idea about that we want to try and develop in a bit. And we haven't been able to make it work the way we wanted to work right now.

But this is the idea of, if you don't mind. We'll share it with you. Yeah, yeah. Mind. So the idea is that Elon Musk is like launched real people into space. Like, it's the thing. We're going to take regular people and launch into space, which is like where space travel was heading.

It's like, if we want to populate Mars or the moon, we got to start doing this kind of thing. Get people ready. And you're like, okay, I'm like, I think regular people can handle it. I think, I think they can handle it. I think their families won't be able to handle it.

Because I think about how my family handles me just going up on stage for like 15 minutes. Right. I'll get like eight texts. Like, the pilot light is out. And where are the long matches? Where are the long matches? I can't get them now because I'm telling a joke about everybody. You know, like those.

The dog eaten. Right. And you're like, ETA. ETA, I'm literally just left the house about it. I'm in space. Right. So that's our thing. So we're like, I, if Elon Musk was blasting us out into space.

Because astronauts families understand. They're like, mom's going into space. Give her her her space. Literally and figuratively give her her space. But like, you know, if it were us, like if we were the two, this becomes the bit. Two regular people like shot into space. Like we wouldn't be like,

we would have just taken on. There wouldn't be like some gorgeous view back into the atmosphere. No, I'll be looking at my phone like, hey, on your way home, can you swing by Trader Joe's and get the vegan Caesar dressing? I'm like, yeah, I'm over Indonesia right now.

Maybe. We cross the international date line. I'll see if we can get that. What's your ETA? Can you send an email to the club gymnastics and ask them why they keep charging us? Yeah, sure. Hey, guys, take down, stop working on the international

space station. I need the Wi-Fi to send off an angry email to coach Mike. And the single astronauts are floating around, just enjoying it, catching food in their mouths. Right, they're happy. Like, yeah, they're like, they're taking photos like selfies out in space for their Instagram feed and we're just like, I'm on the phone and I'm like trying to fill out like a

docu sign. You have to push the starter button and then you put the long match. Did they get the COVID test? Well, you got to email CVS. That's like, you know, there's like that. The passwords for the Wi-Fi. The work that we would have to. The passwords for our Hulu and Disney Plus account. I don't know.

I don't know. Just try. I'm trying to learn Russian. Yeah. So, I mean, like, that's thing. So, again, really funny here, but it's like, how do we translate that onto stage? Which I think we've tried it a bunch times, and sometimes people laugh and sometimes people don't, but we have to figure it out.

Yeah. So we'll be like, are we going to try that tonight? Are we going to slide it in it? Let's see how well, let's see how we're feeling. in the middle of the set. Right, right. Because sometimes you're like, we got to just hit swing haymakers if we're here,

but maybe it's something we can slide in over here. And let's see what happens with it. Let's see how it does. And I would have to think that when it's not going well, or it's going really well. I mean, if it's going really well, it's obvious, but if it's not going well, you both kind of have the sense at the same time. Like, there's no need to keep going.

There's never like, no, I think we're, I think we got it. No, no. Like, right that energy is that energy. No, you feel it and sense it and you're just. like, okay, this isn't really connecting with them. Let's just jump on to something else. Let's try and dig back in with something else. He's talking about like, you're talking about later,

like whether we come back and keep it in? No, like in the middle of it. In the middle of it. Yeah. There's a lot of nonverbal like, let's move on. You never walked off and we're like, no, I think they liked us. You know, you know. Mark Maren described it once.

Like he said, he went back and started doing sets at the cellar. And he was like, I came in. I was like all ready to go. and I got in the cellar and he was like, and I got up on stage and I started talking about something that was not getting anything. And I was like, really you? I was like, everything you do is just like dipped in gold.

I love it so much. And he's doing this thing and he's like, I just felt the sweat go up the back of my neck and like start to tingle on the top of my head and like start to come down my forehead. Like what other profession do you like throw yourself into the fire for public humiliation on a regular basis. And it doesn't matter if you've done it for 35 years.

No, it doesn't matter. He should, he's done it long enough. And there's lots of people. You've done it long enough where it's like, all right, every room. You should be good. You should be good. But it's totally different. It's such an energy thing.

Yeah. Every single night. Every night you've got to prove it. I know if you've been at the store where they've finally are seating the front row in the main room. Yeah. And there was always that gap from since we've been back. Yeah. And the other night I walked in.

they had that front row sat. You were shocked. And it was so much easier. Oh, nice. Just having that human connection of that front, like, just taking those human beings out of that space. And now I have to connect with someone who's only five feet, 10 feet further makes a difference. It's such a weird, unknown thing.

10 feet. Okay. So Jay and I did a corporate show in Vegas. And like when we got the job and we'll take any corporate gig because it's money for our families. Yeah. I don't care what it is. is unless it's for the end.

I don't care how bad it is. Because you're like, I'll never get this gig again. Unless it's for the NRA, we will not do that. But like, and they wouldn't have us in the first place. But so, like, it's a, it's a gig in Vegas. And we go when we do it and we realize it's a, it's a gig for Winnebago owner, like dealership. Like dealership. Okay.

So these are like wealthy people selling, you know, they all are like their own little fiefdom like leaders. Sure. And their wives or their second wives or their mistress is in. Vegas. And it's like hundreds of those people from around the country, not exactly our crowd and our people. But we're like, let's do it. We'll do the best we can. 45 minutes. We can do anything for 45 minutes. It's a little clock on the counter right there. And like that 45 could not get there quick enough. And we show up to the venue and it's in this gigantic ballroom, like the kind of ballroom that they would put a whole convention in. And there's like a whole dance floor and a stage, a stage and then an entire massive dance floor. And like the people are, you think the. The. comedy store that's 10 feet they're like 150 feet back i was like 150 feet back there was like five comedy stores and then all round tables were like half the tables back is to you sure like a bunch of that and we walked in and we're like jesus christ you could drive a winnebago through here and they're like

oh yeah that's what we've been doing we used this room and someone gets up on stage and we drive it through and we park you don't want to move there's no winnebago coming up during our comedy act like move them closer and we literally watched our jokes just fall to the floor Between us. If someone was here, it might have landed on someone, but it was just that in like, death. It's death.

That's in my writer, by the way. It's got to be, you got to bring them close. No dance floor. I won't, I won't perform if there's a dance floor between me and the audience. That's smart.

Because it happened, that same exact thing. They think, well, this is great. Then the comedian will do the thing. Then as soon as they're done, though, we'll start the band and dance. And I just died early deaths doing that. And it's in my writer.

I won't do it. And if the only time I've compromised, is when they built a makeshift stage off the main stage on the dance place. That's right. Get it to the middle. That's smart. That's smart.

That's smart. That's smart. I would even perform on the floor. Sure. In that center area. Just get me close to the people. Just bring me close to these people because it does in a weird way. It makes it more immediate for them and it makes them accountable.

It makes them weirdly accountable. It's like when you do crowd where if you just talk to someone from the audience for a second, they're like, They're on high alert. They're in it. They might come from me. They're in it. When we did this show, that was even before people could look at their phones and just tune you out at a show.

Right. I never got that part of it, too. I'm like, you paid for this whole show. Yeah, what are you doing? Why look at your phone? You can do it in like 45 minutes. The seller's bagging the phones now. Are they really?

That's great. That's smart. I mean, they do it in Denver. It's like the greatest thing of the world. By the way, nobody complains. I've never seen anyone complain. And you know it as soon as you get in the building because you hear people talking to each other. So that's number one.

And number two, it's like, it's like an NBA player today without tattoos. It's shockingly refreshing. And you look at it and you say to yourself, like it becomes that you're like, this guy doesn't have any tattoos. It's like, wow, that's really amazing. Not the tattoos are bad. And I think people who have tattoos, that's fine. That's cool.

I'm just saying it's unique. It's fresh, right? It's a unique case. It's almost like the reverse of, okay, I've already seen all that. But you're like, we're going to a comedy club. Yeah. I can't be reached for an hour and a half. how long this is going to be.

That's cool. It's cool. I love that. So how much of the sport thing now is taking up your mind and your work work? I mean, we do our podcast view from the cheap seats where we break down sports and we just started a Patreon where we're actually doing new episodes of cheap seats. Oh, cool. We haven't done forever. We did a slap.

We did a slap fight. It was like watching that scene from Moonstruck 80 times over. Only funnier. Snap out of it. slap out of it, slap out of it. Because you're the go-to. Like, an NPR calls you. Yeah, we do sports for those guys.

And we just set up over the summer, just because we weren't getting out on the road and booking summertime gigs, we called Jim Rome's show, and we spoke to their email, the guy who handles all when he goes on vacation. Huge radio show and CBS Sports TV show. Yeah.

We said, what's it looking like this summer? Do you have any days? Like, we'll take as many as you'll give us. And so we got like nine. days. Wow. You know, we got to prep them. We got to drive down to it.

We got to prep them. We got to deliver three hours of sports talk radio. And it's just the two of us talking about things. And sometimes we get people to call in. But it's a nice challenge and it's money. And we're like, you know what? This is. That's great.

It's enjoyable. It's like. And it's like. It's really, you're good at it. And I think it's because it's like reading like good articles on sports rather than just lug nuts on sports. Like it's like, oh, like you're able to articulate it. It's not just yellow.

screaming. It's trying to under, and again, this is from comedy and from like dumb people. You're like, what's, so you say, what's my take on this? It's really what's the premise? What is the premise? And each thing is going to, we're going to write a bit. So LeBron James, this past weekend, he was, his son, Brani is a basketball star in the AAU circuit.

And the AAU circuit for kids is like, when we all were kids, we played baseball, we played basketball, we played soccer. You played for like a rec league. And then if you were good enough, you played for your high school. school. That's it. Right. Now you got like kids are scouted from the when they're eight, you know, when they're 12, 11, 13 years old. They get on these AAU travel teams. They play a hundred games a year. And it's this, that's what you're doing. You're on the road doing stand-up. And like, meanwhile, can you imagine like your kid who's not into that? We're not

leaving you at home. You got to come with us. We've got to travel every weekend to all these different. It's so much. It's so much involved. So his sons and they're playing in a gym that's the LeBron James gym. He literally donated to the money. It's his name's on it. And some announcer is like, well, Brani's getting all the calls because it's his dad's gym and I'm over the PA system. And I'm like, first of all, why are you saying that? Don't say that. And then LeBron comes over and tells the guy to shut up and stops the game. And this kind of fed back into what we were talking about before about Obama being like, doesn't matter if he's LeBron James.

He's just your dumb dad. Suddenly like Bronte's like, Dad, stop making a scene. You know what I mean? It's like, well, he was just slagging you off. it's like so funny because then it's a sports story, but it's really about a parent and their kid. And we're like, what's the human element that we can draw out of it and then make that funny? That's great. How do we make that funny?

So that's why someone like, I don't know how deep into sports you are or how big of a sports fan you are. But even if you're just a casual sports fan, if we can make it personal and we can make find the comedy and find the human element to it, then it's for everybody. Yeah, that's great. Is hockey over? Hockey is not over. It's almost one one. They won one. So they won one and there was the main.

This is a great story. So there's another story we covered the mayor of Tampa Bay, which I'm like, Tampa Bay, you should not have hockey. I know. It's because of this woman. Yeah. And they're a dynasty. Yeah, they're great.

They're the best. Yeah. And so this woman who's the mayor was like, here's what I want. You know, I'm guessing she was drunk. She's like, hey, here's the deal. And like suddenly someone with a microphone was like, uh, huh? Hey, honey, you're talking into the wine bottle. The mic's over here.

Here's the other one. Here's the deal. guys. So she became the mayor of Tampa. You're like the most sober person in Tampa right now. So she goes, I think we should take it easy on them. Let them win one in Montreal.

And then we'll come back here and we'll win the cup. Oh, no. And like the coach of the lightning was like, we don't want to do that. We want to win as fast as possible. But then what happened was Montreal won in overtime when it was in Montreal. Now it's coming back to Tampa. Now, no one thinks Tampa is going to lose.

But if the miracle happens and another miraculous game happens and Montreal wins and then it goes back to Montreal, and then you're in game six. And then if they tie it up in game six, then it's a one game series and anything can happen. Puck bounces weird ways. So then you say to yourself, like this is why certain places shouldn't have certain things. I mean, there are guys walking around Canada with their Tim Horton next to like weird snow shapes that are still on the ground in June up in Calgary who are like, like dreaming about Gordon Lightfoot and hockey. And they don't have a Stanley Cup. And Tampa Bay has like two standards.

There are people in Tampa Bay who don't even know they have a team. They think their team is not the Tampa Bay Lightning. They think it's the Florida Panthers. It's like they don't deserve this thing. And fine. Look, you can tell me that there are 18,000 Tampa Bay fans. Great. There's no one else outside of that arena that knows that you have a team.

Or gives a crap. Or cares. So Canada, like they line up for months for the season tickets. Like give them a Stanley Cup. And so that thing. And then the other thing it kind of brought us to was a discussion of the awful mayoral bet that two city mayors make. Can we like stop that? Send you a case of our greatest micro brew from, first of all, you don't have to pay for it.

You get my bag bag. Right. Send us a bag of bagels. You're not going to eat them. You're not going to drink it. It's going to get stale. It's going to get warm. And then you're going to throw it out.

And then what big loss did you have? I'm like, put like your first born on the line. Put some skin in the game. Now, now you better. Now you're hoping your team wins. That's right. You're hoping your team. Throw your passports in the bowl.

Right. Like what is Tampa have? You can't travel out of the country for the next time. What does Tampa have to offer Montreal? Like a bag of meth? Like what do you have? Like what is your like a vial of tiger blood from a home zoo? I don't know.

So like you and it becomes so that becomes our discussion. Right. So it's almost like a puzzle almost like writing jokes. And then you're like, okay, how do we take this story which is about X? Yeah. Like what is a story about a woman who, who gets arrested for using a squirt gun to squirt out the Olympic torch that's being carried. So she got arrested.

You're like, well, who is that woman? Right. What kind of a person has to buy a squirt gun to then show up and squirt out the Olympic torch? Like, who is that person? Are you quick at this? Because it seems like a lot of work. It seems like there's a lot of homework. It's a lot of work.

And we do it how we sort of divvy up the work like we've always done, which is that we each sort of attack one or two. And then we edit each other's work. And then we kind of have ownership over it. And then it's the performative element. And we're like, we put everything into it because we want people who show up that day or watch it on TV or it's playing in a bar somewhere and people are watching us or, you know, they're listening in their cars. They're delivery men for women for Amazon and they're listening to the thing as it's coming through. You're like, let us give you three hours. We're going to take you, like we're going to make your work day fun for the next chunk of time.

So just stick with us. Yeah, yeah. We got you. That's great. And I love that feeling. I mean, you know, you've done radio. Yeah. Yeah, do it every day.

with fortune. Yeah. I love that show. It's a lot. But, you know, but I don't have the fear, which you might not have because you're probably into it more than I am, even though I am a sports fan. The not being prepared and saying the wrong thing to sports fans is kind of terrifying to me. Oh, no call you on it.

Those fans of Jim Rome show will call you on it. Oh, I'm sure. We've made mistakes before, but we also never claim to be the experts. We're always like, hey, we're coming at. this from a comedy perspective. We're coming at it from a fan perspective. We're not coming at it from the expert. We're not going to give you the hyper stats of like someone's like everybody's exit velocity from the way that. But you have producers who are like, you know, we'll just pipe in your ear and be like, hey, you know the NBA ratings for this year's NBA finals are down 18%.

So then you rattle that fact off. That's interesting fact for someone to know. Yeah. Yeah. Why is that? Well, because it's Milwaukee and Phoenix. It's not the Lakers and the Celtics. It's not these teams. It's like these two other teams. And what does that mean? And then you're into that. And then you go. It's all fascinating to us. Yeah. But again, you know, our stand-up is in all sports. It's hardly at all. Yeah. No, I mean, that's what's really great is that you have this, you have multiple ways to go in different audiences. And it's, it's really great. And you, you know, I love both of you and have forever. Now, when I, when you, uh, you're on Jenny Craig. So my, uh, I'll show this with my kids. I'll show my kids.

This is like perfect toasting. This is perfect avocado to go. Yeah. Absolutely. This is perfect. It just came out today. So, even tomorrow is even better. Great.

You don't have to put it in a Ziploc or anything. Great. You just put a towel over it. Love it. And it'll be good for three, four days. And then you have to say ta-da when you lift it off? Yes. Okay, good.

And this. You go, papa. Papa. Crunch on the outside, sort of moisty inside. inside. Doey, good. Doey. Yeah. No, this is... Fluffy. These are good right now. How do you know, do you know when you take them out of the oven, like, okay, these are particularly

awesome? I know when they're going into... After I shape it in the night before, I know these are going to be good. These are going to be good. You know it before? That's amazing. I know because then it's going to go in the refrigerator overnight. Then the next day, turn it over. Yeah. And then score it. Now, what happens if you open up your proving drawer and someone's put like their, you know, like computer in that time? What do you do? The disrespect for like the biggest violation you can have in my house is putting the wooden spoons in the wrong place.

I do. I'm just like. Don't. Or in the dishwasher, God forbid. Those are wood. They don't belong in there. Well, I hope you enjoy it. And let me know, be honest about it, whether you like it or not. I can't wait.

Absolutely. And if you want, you can take an Italian cookie, an Italian candy. Have you ever had these? I haven't had these. Oh, these are good. Will this make me want to smoke? Yeah, you can have it. These are, they're almond.

They're turrets. Corona, which is, they're just so good. And just like the Italian's, in Little Italy, the packaging. I know, exactly. In Little Italy, they would have mounds of this on the street, and they would just chip it off. Oh, yeah, yeah, I know these. Yeah, this is like a Panatone cake.

It's like a nugget with almonds in it. Ammons are a huge. It's like a naked, it's like a naked candy bar. Yeah. It's like the inside of a candy bar. Right, no chocolate on it. It's amazing. Remember in Raiders in the Lost Dark?

Amazing. Raiders of the Lost Dark where the guy's face just completely drains of all the blood. If you were to turn that inside out, this is it. If you turn that into a little Italian candy, a little Italian Nazi candy. So good. Come again.

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That's Moink, M-O-I-N-K. All right, now it's time for a quick bite with comedian and author, Andrew Heiden. I'm looking forward to this phone call. This is going to be fun. He wrote a book called Los Angeles is hideous, poems about an ugly city. If you're titling at that, you're definitely funny. So let's get on the phone right now and call up our new friend, Andrew. Living the dream, I'm hot, but other than that, I'm doing great. How are you?

I'm doing it right. Thank you for taking my call. This is very exciting. I want to get into some of your writing and stuff. And we've never had a chance to meet, so this is perfect. But I'd like to start off with my favorite question, which is, what have you eaten today? I am back in New York City, and so I had a, I had the wrong bagel. Not the bagel I wanted, but the bagel somebody else ordered.

So I had like a chicken, like a, I don't know, like a breaded chicken bagel, which was okay, but again, not what I ordered. And then I had a good slice of just sidewalk pizza. It was real good. Ah, that's so perfect. I was just in New York last week. and I just ate my face off. Yeah, it's phenomenal. My trip's going to be part networking, part eating,

and then I guess just avoiding prison for the rest of the time. It should be really fun. Well, thanks for taking my call. I'm very intrigued by your book. Now, you live in L.A. I lived in L.A. You lived in L.A. Yeah, yeah.

So I moved out there in January of last year for the networking, Tom. for the networking. Because I thought, you know, I'm not a beach guy or a summer guy or a daily guy. It's not going to matter, though, because the amount of worthwhile career connections I'm going to make are going to justify the aesthetic monstrosity that is in this city. And, you know, I'm paying more than I should for my apartment, and it doesn't even have a porch. It's basically a box. But who cares?

I'm going to be at a diner with producers and cocktail parties with models and all these things. So my timing was not the best to enjoy the city of angels. Oh, man. So was it from that that you wrote your book, Los Angeles is hideous poems about an ugly city? Or had you written that before? No. Well, it was born through that experience. The kernels of it began before the pandemic.

Because, like, is background info, I'm from Oklahoma. I used to live in Scotland. So my aesthetics are somewhere between forest and castles. That's kind of my, the things that I like. So when I got in Los Angeles and I was looking at apartments, I was like, oh, my God, this entire city is made out of bathroom tiling grout. How did anyone allow this? I just, I recoiled on such a visceral aesthetic level.

I started, I started keeping notes about it because I was like, you know, it's rare for me to have this much of an emotional response to a place. Yeah. When I finally decided to pull the bug and get out of my lease and putter around America and a camper, I went, this would make for a good coffee table books. And then I started putting it to paper and became the internationally renowned poet laureate, you know, today. That's so great. I mean, because I come from the East Coast. And I really do crave when people have honed it down and make some sense about it.

LA because it is a it is a I've been coming here and lived here for a long time I've been back and forth for a couple decades but it's not the kind of place that people can really wrestle to the ground and explain because it's so sprawling it's so much so to see your to see your book and like you've actually kind of nailed it is is so refreshing well I think I think you're right about that too in that to give to give Los Angeles its full due while Sanjolas isn't really a city, it's more like a state in which all of the neighborhoods are their own distinct cities. Now, most of them are ugly, in my opinion, but I'm sure that there are some delightful ones for people far more successful than me. Have you ever heard of this place called Malibu Tom?

Yes, I have. That looks swanky. That and like the palisades and things like that. But all the neighborhoods I would live in are basically just, you know, Adobe Huffles. and sort of rusty air conditioning units that sell liquor. That's kind of a part of town I was in. It's really true. I love, I just read a couple of your lines.

You said, all the beauty of a parking lot, and yet, ironically, you will never find a parking space. Watch the palm trees at strip malls to gussy up the streets, like injecting Botox into a corpse. Have you gotten any pushback on this? No, you know what? Actually, the only. the only pushback I got that I felt bad about was I emailed it to a couple of friends in Los Angeles

to get, and I didn't send it to a lot of L.A. friends because I didn't want to kick them. Like the point of the book was basically for me to work through my aesthetic trauma. It wasn't to make any feel bad. I emailed one friend, it was like, hey, I think you'll find this funny. Let me know what you think. And he wrote back, your book is very funny. It's reminding me of the things that I don't like about the city and now I am sad. I cannot finish it. And I went, this is actually worse that if he got mad at me. But no one's really got mad at me though. I think for two reasons. First, I think there's a lot of people in Los Angeles that likewise move there for the industry and not because they love the wonders of a gutter with a bunch of people's names and stars on it.

And then the other half, when people do get really mad, I find that when I go, look, I'm not a summer guy. To me, beaches are just a hole with the desert at the end. They're like, oh, okay. Like, yeah, if you don't like sunlight and sand, then this would have absolutely nothing for you. And I'm like, right, that's where I'm at. This is, this is, imagine someone that would do perfectly well in, like, the Pacific Northwest with it raining every day for 30 years and would have no issue at all. Oh, man, it's so funny. Now, do you, do you ever take any of this stuff to the stage? Do you ever, have you ever, like, done any readings or, or just, like, stand up? So, well, it all came out here recently.

So it's only been out about three weeks, and I didn't really have an opportunity to workshop it publicly prior to it just because we were under lockdown. But I did do a show in Austin where they, I mean, I was there as a standout, but they knew that I wrote the book and they invited me to come on a show called Great Night, which fun. And they invited me to do a couple readings. And then they were like, do you mind if we just have the other people read it? And it turned into the weird but awesome kind of poetry slam where. I'll tell you Tom, as a comedian, it's great to work on something

and then outsource it. Yeah. What I got to do. Like, they would read it and then I would stand up and take a bow, which is not normally how it works being a comedy writer. I know that you've written on a lot of projects.

Yeah. Normally when your joke lands, they don't, like, haul the writer out on stage and everybody gives them applause. So I have done that and might do it in the future. That's amazing. That is really cool.

That is really cool. That must have been a fun experience. I'm always envious of the way that Sedaris does it, where he'll go out on tour with his stuff, and his tour is actually editing his essays. Oh, yeah. That's just, I mean, he's so talented, so then he's gotten to the,

he's earned the spot where he can go and do that. But man, what a great way to write. That's brilliant. He's basically doing the writer's version of an open mic, trying out new jokes, and people love him for it. Yeah. Open bikes are usually a lot more torturous.

Yeah, that guy, I feel like Dave Sedaris and Bill Bryson have really big things out. Like, those are two really funny, smart guys that are beloved and can kind of pick any topic and make it really interesting and funny. Yeah, pretty amazing. Can I pose a question to you, Tom? Sure. So I haven't been out to Los Angeles since I wrote this. If and when I go out there, should I go into hiding? should I make a beeline to a bookstore and do a reading and see if people throw tomatoes?

What would you make? You should definitely do it. I think you run into some people who have a little, who have pride in it and might resist it, but I think those people are few and far between. I think a lot of people... It's just the mayor. And it's so funny. I mean, look, if this was just like a, if this was just clamming without being super funny,

you know, that's kind of our superpower, you know, if they're laughing, it kind of diffuses it. So I think, yeah, I think you'll be fine. I mean, how can anybody get mad at the Los Angeles, quote, unquote, river? Everybody knows exactly what you're talking about. You're talking about the concrete strip the nerve to call a river. Exactly. And I did that intentionally, too.

I don't like attacking people's character. I don't like making fun of people in general. And so I tried to make the book much more focused on just how hideous, I think, Los Angeles is, rather than writing a damning diatribe about the horrible people there because I didn't get to meet him. I was watching my apartment. I don't know what they're like. Yeah. I mean, you're totally right.

I mean, you know, we love food on this program and we always talk about people where to go. And it's like in New York, if someone tells you about a great restaurant, you know it's going to be on this beautiful street and it's going to have this one. And the L.A., you're like, they'll tell you about this five-star Michelin restaurant in a strip mall next to a Panning of State. It's ironically next to a Michelin Tires. So it's really good for everybody. Yeah, you can just do that and then go. Yeah. Yeah, no joke.

It's in the scuffed hubcap district over by the gravel. Oh, so funny. Well, thanks for thanks for taking my call. Let me catch up. Los Angeles is hideous poems about an ugly city. Andrew Eaton. We'll have to hang in L.A. whenever you come out here. I will do that.

You are now my go-to bail money guy. when I am in Southern California. And I am a fan, Tom. This was thrilling to talk to you. Thank you so much. All right, man. Keep going. That was awesome.

Thank you, Tom. Like I said, I'm flattered. And also, I occasionally do a trivia night with Paul Morrissey, who I believe is your cool. Ah, nice. Yeah, very cool. And I was so delighted to meet you. And like I said, very flattered. You're a cool guy and a very funny guy.

And I was thrilled when Joey mentioned that you were, you deigned to bring me on. Yeah. Yeah, very cool. I think Nagine introduced. That's right. Yeah, yeah. I fucking love Nagine. She is such a great lady.

I love going on her show. And she also has just a, she has a phenomenal ability to go into fraught subjects and be funny and make everybody participating feel welcome, which I think is a dying art within the world of political media. So I think she's going to board's work and I'm a big fan of her. Oh, she's the best. All right, man, take care of yourself. You too, Tom. Thanks so much. Okay, bye.

All right, everybody. That's our big show. Thank you to the Sclar brothers, Jason and Randy. Go and look them up on social media. Make sure you listen to their podcasts and go catch them live. I guarantee you will have a good time. They're so damn funny. And a thank you to comedian and author Andrew Heiden from Los Angeles is hideous poems about an ugly city.

Fun show. Thank you all for listening. make sure you go and follow us on social media, hit me up, tell me when I'm, look at my tour, look at my family reunion tour, see a city that you love, and tell me where I should go eat in one of those cities. And if I'm coming to your city, tell me how I can meet you and you can buy me food. How about that? Why should I be the one always doing stuff? Yeah, why don't you take me out for pizza once in a while? All right, thank you all for so much for listening. and we've got more shows coming up.

See you next time.