Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 69 - Pete Holmes

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

Tom shares bread and donuts with spiritual everyman and hilarious comedian, Pete Holmes! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, it's our goal. Hey, it's time for Breaking Bread with Papa. Hey, don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey! Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. We have a great show for you today. The one and only Pete Holmes is with us.

This is very exciting. I've been looking forward to this one for a long time. He's such an interesting guy, such a funny person. And I know him. but not deeply. I mean, like, we've been in each other's circles for a long time, but he's kind of one of those guys you just need to talk to for a long period of time because he's got so much going on.

He's just so funny, he's such a special person, and I'm so excited to have Pete actually come in here to the studio, and I'm going to fill him up with vegan donuts and beautiful sourdough bread and some special water from Italy. This is going to be very exciting. And this weekend, the weekend of September 3rd, Pete is playing the Brea Improv. Tickets are available at petehomes.com. And I'd also like to thank the good people at moinkbox.com.

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We have a long conversation, a great conversation with Pete Holmes. So happy that he came out to the studio. He sat here at the table and we just fill him with lots of treats. And he filled us with a lot of great, great conversation. He's just so funny, so naturally funny, such a good guy. He has a new show coming out on CBS called Smallwood. You know him, of course, from crashing. You know him from college humor.

You know from his stand-up, all of his work with Conan. He's just really great, and he's always creating great, great projects. And he's just very thoughtful, nice, good guy. I can't wait for you to spend some time with him here at the table on Breaking Bread. So let's jump right into it. Enjoy my conversation with Pete Holmes. I don't hate Boston. We were saying that I would love Boston if I wasn't from there.

Do you feel that way about the newer jersey? You like it. You're like one of those weird. Yeah, I kind of love New Jersey. Really? Yeah. Like the wooded part? The wooded part?

The deer part. The wooded part. The Hoboken part. The beach part. Yeah, there's a lot of good parts. There are a lot of good parts. I like Boston. I like Boston for...

If I wasn't from there, everywhere I look is somewhere I was belittled. You can't look and go like, oh, that's where I shit my pants. It's like a tour of trauma. You have... You have, well, first of all, thank you for being here. My pleasure.

Thank you for being here. Can we get a bigger microphone? I love that you're like, restaurant, aesthetic. I don't want to smell it. No, it's, no, they're brand new sterilized for you. Smell it. Oh, my Jesus, that's Lysol. I know that smell.

That's a good smell. I know that smell. I have this fragrant. That's my, that's my colognage. You are such a, um, you were such an interesting person. Like, literally I woke up today and I don't do this with all the podcasts. Like, excited to sit and talk to you because. So excited to do this.

Because we're always in each other's orbit recently. Yeah. I would say recently, like, I don't know, like last six years or whatever. Largets. We're a couple of the largets. Yeah. And I adore you, but I don't truly know that much. I trust you at all.

I don't think I'm going to be giving you the loan today. That's weird. You asked me to break bread with you. I just needed five grand to float me. I love the idea of being floated. Like the money is the water. Yeah. Fills it.

Yeah. Float it. Yeah. No one wants to float. You just float me for a little bit. Like a root beer float? Yeah. Just, oh, so.

Maybe that's what it is. When you're broke, you're just a cup of root beer and you're like, will you float me? And it's like, yeah. And you put the ice cream and you're like, now I'm sizzling. Yeah. I'm just sort of cream dripping down. It should be nasty. Yeah, it should be gross.

So good. You just, um, shrugged a memory. And, no, Mark Marin had an interview in the Wall Street Journal this week. Oh, really? Because he has that movie coming out. He's in, um, he's in, uh, end game. No. At the end with Thanos, he's like, we good.

We good. I didn't get you. You didn't get to kill 50%, but like, we're okay. You're not mad at me. Right. My dad. And he said when he was on mushrooms or something, he was tripping in school and it was like the best advice he got or something.

And some guy came up to him. So he was like kind of freaking out and he just said, just hang on, man. And he was like, oh. And it's like. Yeah, just hang on. That's great. Resistance is futile. Yeah.

Meaning it's futile. Now I'm saying it the other way. Yeah. Resistance is futile. It's futile. But it's futile to resist. If you're talking to someone from Jersey. If futile's first, then you say it that way.

I baked you bread. But on the way, I asked if you wanted coffee and you said not past noon. Because of your bit. Your great bit. That bit's about me. Yeah. If I dabble in the dark beverages after noon. You're up all night?

I'm fucked. I know. So this water. Don't tell me the story of this water. You're a sommelier for water. I am a sommelier for water. You know who else is? I didn't know it was going to be sparkling.

I've never had the sparkling one. All I want is sparkling. Aaron, what did I ask for when I came in? Sparkling one. Oh, that's amazing. And you know what he said? Maybe Tom will have them. And I literally stop at Monte Carlo, the Pinocchio place.

What are they paying you? No, they're not. I was actually thinking that on the way in. I was like, I want to thank them all the time. And they don't even know who I am. But I stopped because I get treats from there. This Fugee water, my friend was like, this is from some special place in Italy. And it's very hard to get.

But this place has it. Has Italian stuff. Yeah, all Italian stuff. Cheers. What's the Italian one? They were telling us that we should take this before the vaccine because it wouldn't wreck you. Come again? Yeah, the toast.

I don't know. Salute. Salute, yeah, I think. But what, bubble water saves you from the side effects of a vaccine? Yeah. Is that what you're saying? They were saying that this is like super healthy water that people drink to cure all sorts of ales. That sounds like something. Italians do.

Like a Catholic church and drink this water. Italians do that. Well, being hydrated, if there, if there are like, I actually, one of the sponsors of my podcast is called Liquid Ivy. There's no promo code. Uh-huh. But I'm happy to plug them because when I got the VACs, it's just, there's a number of hydration multipliers out there. They're like magnesium and all this shit.

Right. And I chugged a lot of that. So if anybody's like, oh, I would get vaccine, but I don't want that. Just drink a lot of liquid IV or something similar. Right. Plug that water. I'm so boring. Let's get that. This, you could just have a sip of it and you're good because it's magic. You know what it is magic. There's no new water, Tom. You know that, right? There's no new water. What do you mean by that? This is the same water. Jesus drank, Gandhi drank. Who do you like? Martin Luther King Jr.? Martin Luther King, Sr. You're like a fucking weird guy. I was going to say John Lennon. Okay, John Lennon. John Lennon bathed in this water. This water was on John Lennon's balls. It was? Yeah. It just recirculates? That's the beautiful thing. Like, we're surrounded by clues of how everything works. I don't mean to be too Pete Holmesie right now. But like, every once in a while I'll get in that space. Most of the time I'm in the space, we're all in where I'm like, you know? And every once in a while I'm like, just look at water. Just look at everything. Just look at everything. Everything. And why do you think you're separate from this world, the same world that keeps cycling and reuse.

and re-purposing and resurrecting. Resurrection doesn't mean resuscitating. Of course, I'm alluding. It means reusing. It means change, usually positive change. Right, right, right. So, you know, this is, that's one of my passions is kind of telling people a different way of looking at Christianity. Christianity, being the most popular religion in this country. And most people, I was one of them grew up believing that resurrection means resuscitation, that Jesus' heart just started beating and he walked out, zombie geez. Yeah. Zombie Js. Zombie Js. Yeah. He was. He was. He was. He was one of them. He was. wasn't looking great when they put them in the tomb. Now it's been three days.

It comes out and they're happy to see him. I don't think that's a resuscitation. I think that's a resurrection. I think that's what happens to stars. You and I are, the resurrection of stars, actually. We're made of an exploring star.

And I'm reading this great book called Thank God for Evolution. I'm not crazy about the title because it sounds like I'm trying to be like a hip Christian. Like, I think evolution. It's like 13 years old. But they make this beautiful point that the whole thing is death and resurrection, meaning everything.

a meteor came the size of Texas and crashed into the earth and killed all the dinosaurs. And that's why we have dogs. You know what I'm saying? Right. Like that's how everything works. It's always arcing towards more novelty, more newness, more life, more exploration of itself. That's all right. We don't have to talk about it.

No, because that's, I mean, that is, I've been working on the similar theme, not so much the natural world or the spiritual world, but just the human world that, like, like, Like there's a map for everything we've already, anything you're doing, just take a beat and look at who did it before you for all these centuries. There's a reason, there's a cocktail hour at that time. There's a reason you leave your parents at that time. Yeah. There's a reason for every, there's like, it's all been mapped out.

It's all figured out. Pay attention. It's one of the great conference of life is that when my mom, who's like 80, sometimes she'll be freaking out. And I'll just, it's weird kind of reversal. And I'll be like, mom, you're part of something. I know you feel old and sort of irrelevant. That's sort of her fear. Yeah.

I'm like, you're not irrelevant. You're an integral part of the chain. And even by watching, you are too. You feel isolated and alone. First of all, this is the exercise I like to do. Look at all the things that are supporting you right now, even if no one in your life. Steve at the last blockbuster that you work at,

he fired you. You don't feel supported. But right now you're being supported by, you and I are being supported by these chairs, by the ground, by the gravity, by the atmosphere. The atmosphere is feeding us. All these things are sustaining you.

Your heart is beating without you asking it to. Your heart is being beaten by life itself. You're not breathing. You're being breathed. Right. Meaning there's something that while you're asleep, dead asleep is keeping you alive. That's support.

Okay, that's a little esoteric. To get even more, the way you, Tom Popper are playing with that bottle cap is the way that your great, great, great grandmother did. Yes. You know what I'm saying? A hundred percent.

It continues on. And this isn't just for people who have, children, everybody is part of a tapestry called this. Yeah. And that is the least lonely feeling in the world. And when you consider the molecules and this bread are being animated by the same fundamental life energy that you are, and now I know I sound like Russell Graham. Keep going on.

But it's literally true. I mean in physics, it's literally true. Everything stripped down to its most base thing is kind of the same thing. What do you mean by that? Basically, for my bread. For your bread. We look and we see separate things. I see the table.

I see this wooden thing. I see the bread. I see you. And I see the air in between us. I don't see it. Yeah. I'm aware of it. Right.

Smell it. I smell it. I smell it. Mostly. It smells like Lysol. But really, if you could just kind of change the way that you look at reality, if you could see atoms. Mm-hmm. This is just a swarm of goddamn bees.

Right. Billions and billions. It's like television static. Yeah. So you and me are the same thing. Mm-hmm. But I draw the perimeter here. Mm-hmm.

It's like watching television static and I draw a perimeter around something and I go, that's Tom. Right. That's me. That's the bread. Right. And that can be lonely. So much of like, in my experience, depression is a feeling of being outside of the world. That's why we create all this things.

We create awards and jobs and titles and business cards to be like, I'm in, I'm in. Yeah. But my biggest message, and it's not religious, is you, by virtue of you being here, is your ticket to the show. You're in. Right. Why are you doing this to my podcast? No, why are we? this is exactly what I wanted.

I hope so. Because we can go to Bonertown. Like, there's like, which Pete do you want to interview? Like, really? No, because, like, back to the beginning of saying hello to you. Why I was so excited, because, like I said, we know each other, but we don't, you know, we don't really know each other that well. And when thinking about you, I always have those categories in a way that you're just

describing. It's like there's the just the fun lovable goofball Pete. Yeah, sure. Who's with Val and Lee and just having a fun little life. And then there's this very searching spiritual Pete. Yeah. And then there's this professional Pete. Yeah. Who's very efficient and very good at his job. Who admires you very much. Who's very good at his job. So I was like the other two don't like you, but the middle one thinks you're really. And I literally knew when I came in like there's not going to be enough time to like go through all the stuff that I want to go through with Pete. But this part, starting in this spiritual part, is... The reason I like, sorry.

Is so magical. But right back to the question of, so if that is true, and where there is a swarm of bees and it's just this big mishmash of energy that we're all kind of tapping into and floating through, why are you and I painting the same pictures of those bees at this moment? Well, I think the bees are masquerading as that. I mean, I don't think it's as woo-woo. The bees is like a deconstruction of what's happening. It's like if we could step it back.

Right. When we step it back, we're undoing what the bees are doing, which is forming as you. But we're sharing that reality, though. That's right. Right. But it is a hallucination in a sense, but that doesn't mean it's not real. I mean, one of the earliest thought experiments I remember as a kid is like, and I think we all did this, is how do you know? I'm color-deficient.

I can see color. But like this table is a good. good example. It could be purple. It could be wine red. Yeah. I would bet a lot of money that it's a crimson, right? Kind of like a winy crimson. Yeah. So you don't even know. I'm not that great with color either, but that's what I always thought it was. But that, that, I remember being in like second grade and someone was like, well, how do I know that what you see is red isn't blue and all that sort of. And I just never got over those types of like lava lamp question. Right. The question of like, why should anything exist? Yeah. Which is a great question. Not to find the answer, but the state of

questioning brings you naturally into naturally occurring gratitude, wonder, and a little bit of a joke. It's like a joke. It's not so serious. We don't have to like freak out and feel the floor drop out and go like, well, I don't know. Baby, you don't have to know. I know I sound like a hippie, but baby you don't have to know. It's okay. Right. But I say, you know, I'm working on this bit, it almost never works. You maybe saw me do it the first time where I was like, we're all kind of in it together, but if you're using God or nothing as a way to end the participation with the mystery, I think you're doing it wrong. Right.

You can be nothing, but be a Penn Gillette, none. Penn is out there playing and experimenting and feeling it. Right. Having the unknowingness flow through him as a life-giving force. Right. Not, what do you think this is? This is a fucking chicken bone and a rain drain, baby. And that just becomes a wall between you and all of the new data.

Right. We have the big bang, but we also have the big crunch. You know about the big crunch? No. Well, they believe that the universe is doing this. Oh. And that would be what religions are sort of alluding to when they're like, there's an arm again and everything crunches and it's expensive. Don't panic.

Right, right, right. Billions of years away, they believe. But like, that's new data. Right. So play with that. But a lot of people do that with God. More famously, people do it with God. God is a way of ending the conversation and not wondering and not.

literally experiencing the rapturous titillation of going, of being, what the fuck? Right, or tapping in a little bit. Because for me, God is a metaphor for a mystery that absolutely transcends all categories of human thought, including being and non-being. So does it exist or not as a non-starter? Because I believe the concept of this mystery

is actually outside of the realm of being and non-being. That's a third dimension question. We go, is Keonti real? And I'm saying there's a room in my brain for something outside. of this realm, but also permeating every inch of it. I've been studying TM for a long time. Or practicing it.

And only recently did I start to, I just started thinking, oh, this is what we're, all these can openers of religion. This is all what they're trying. This is the same space. Yeah, be present. You feel the presence. You're right. Just in that rhythm, in that.

in that thing where you just kind of just dip below the surface of all the chaos for a second. When you turn all the Tom programs off and there's something still there, that's the game. Right. That's what I would call living spirit. I like religious language. So I call it living spirit. Yeah. And that is not only a fun concept.

It's something you can engage with. And I'll make it super practical. You're shooting the informant. Matt Damon's taking a two-hour dump. You're like, I've got to get home to my kids. What the fuck is going on? you can actually learn to drill into that wellspring, that sort of infinite wellspring, and let it energize you. Right.

In a very practical way. It's almost just like... What's an interesting thing is that you reach a point where you don't have to say, now I'm going to tap into that. That's right. It just occurs. That's right. And that's what you're practicing when you're doing TM. You're like, holy...

Even a dead person is animated. Ew. But on a molecular... level, they're teeming with life. Their body is still moving and changing. I love Adam's stuff. I don't know that much about it, but 98% of your atoms every year are replaced. 98%? 98%? What's the 2% that's holding on? Those are the good, those are the good babies. Yeah, what are those? They're in it for the long haul. I like, no, I still want to be Tom's middle nose thing. I want to be that. I want to be in there. But I'm interested. I brought these for you.

First of all, I bake that bread for you. Tell me about the bread because I asked Aaron, how like old Is the starter? Are there any fun facts about the bread? Yeah. This starter is about eight years old. Wow. And it stays in the refrigerator. And then when you want to cook, you bring it out and you, you feed it, flour and water, and starts to bubble and become light.

And then you bake bread. That's your yeast. Yeah. So it's the only thing in it is flour, water, salt, and yeast. That's all. I love it. And I fell in love with it when I started to do it because I was like, I can't believe I haven't been eating bread my whole life.

Right. It's like when you have a real tomato. Like from somebody's garden, you're like, what the fuck was on my waver? It's just like a child's Japanese eraser. You're like, I think I ate a Japanese eraser. My whole life. My whole life.

Yeah. It's the same thing with real sushi. Yeah. Like when you get the real. It fires off in your brain. Yeah, well, I'm very touched to eat your bread. And Val and I are like just, it's like a joke. We just were like, oh, I don't think we like gluten, but fuck that shit.

I'm eating your gluten today. Okay. Yeah. Now, that was the other Pete, Pete, um, mystery. It was like, okay, I know I'm not bringing him booze because I just know. It's going to be, it'll be water. It'll be good. And then the bread will be good.

And then I was like, well, he's, I know he's vegan. Whatever you got. So I gave him vegan donuts. You got his donuts? Yes. I got you guys vegan donuts. Well, we're going to eat. And then I wasn't sure, will there, would you throw up a sugar thing?

No, no, no, I'll eat this. I sort of, I want to, this is boring, but I'm the guest. It's not boring. On my own podcast, I'm like, shit. The fuck up, page, shut the fuck up. But when I'm a guest, I'm like, I'm just going to tell you this. I do, this is going to sound a little sappy, but I feel safe and good. Like, sometimes someone will hand me something that's not vegan.

Right. And I will eat it. And I think there's something really beautiful in that, the foregoing or the circumventing of a value. Some people might think the opposite. Like, this is bullshit. To include them. To feel love in that moment. to like to just go like well maybe my stomach isn't going to enjoy it maybe all these different things

and maybe ethically it's strange for me or whatever yeah but i'm going to eat the fuck out of these donuts and i haven't had sugar in a while i knew it i knew it well i'm trying to get healthy you know yeah you're always doing that you're always kind of dialing in but it go yeah yeah i do the same thing where you're like you you want to dial it in and then you find something it seems like it's working for a bit yeah and but it never really like holds forever. So I was like, maybe I'll get him in a weak moment where he'll take some sugar. No, I will eat this and I will enjoy this. But especially my mouth is watering right now. You can eat it now if you want. Well, we're going to eat it now because you don't know,

you don't know sugar, hi Pete. You're about to meet him. Which one's the best? Have you had these? I have had these, but I'm not, I'm not, I don't know them enough to say. But I always like the maple glaze. That's always a, that's always a classic. Donuts are always like, it's the plain Jane. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You're, like, a boob out, and she's shaking a leg. And that's like your, you're Claire. She's shaking a leg.

I say boob out, which is like very modern. And then I'm like, you know, shaking a leg, Rasmataz. And you're like, well, I should dance with that one. No, no, no. Go find the girl reading a Jane Austen book in the dark. She doesn't even have a light. That's your glazed. Her parents pushed her into the gym.

That's right. And they're like, you have fun, damn it. And they're Amish, but even she's not fun to them. Just like get her out of here That's your donut We'll never get her married off But maybe I'm basic Like the older I get

I'm very like You just want like a little simple I know done well We are two old men now No I know I bet this one's fantastic Because it has coconut on it Ooh that one does look good

This is like comedians and cards But are you ever worried about Jerry I watch that show and I go Cherry Are you gonna Take it fucking easy pal Out with what's his name No no not the coffee

It should have given you a plate. It's mostly, no, no. It's mostly jealousy. He was with Sebastian. And they're like, let's go, let's go get a coffee. I'm like, that's fine. Now let's go get a, I know the best cookies in town. Goes and gets a cookie.

It's like, you want to go to cats and get a corn beef? I'm like, Jerry, you're like 60 years old. What are you doing? What are you doing? And even Sebastian, I'm like, what are we doing? Eating huge corned beef sandwiches. Not even talking about, not ripping about, not ripping about. them enough to justify them.

Right. He's like, you want to go get a cigar? We're going to add 300 milligrams of nicotine on top of this and carbon monoxide. I'm such as well. Tell him, I said that. I love him. Joey, can we have a napkin for Mr. Holmes? Yes, please. What am I, Audrey Hepburn?

And Mr. Papa. Oh, it's so good. Why have they nailed vegan donuts more than any other vegan dessert? Well, it's very important to recognize that sugar is vegan. It's like saying how do they nail vegan vodka? Like it's already...

Yeah, right. And these things are mostly sugar. But there's a lot of bad vegan desserts. That's very true. You know? Thank you, sir. I only give you one. That's all you got. That's all I mean. So you... Yeah, flour and sugar.

So you, I was fun watching you at Largo the other night. Thanks. You're so inventive. And I'm so impressed by the way you, you host your show there, because you go out, just Pete, and you start the show off. And it's always daunting to me. Like, there's no warm up. There's no, nothing.

You just go up. And within a second, it's like, no, the headliner is here. Was there a show before? What's happened? Oh, it's really sweet. It really is. It hits a really professional level very quickly. Oh, that's very kind.

And you have a real love of. fair with your fans. Your people adore you. Pick your fans. You must have picked good fans. You must have great fans. I do have great fans, but, um, right? When I would tour with Artie, the Artie fans, it was almost like, oh, Artie fans? It was almost like punk rock. Like, I liked punk rock. I know I don't look like I did, but I actually still like punk rock. I would go to the shows and the bands, the kids in the stand, I don't know, in the pit, would spit on the band. And that's like Artie.

That's like, there's a lot of comedians that have like these sort of punk rock, meaning the more they hate you, that's like how they show you love or they break your balls. Yeah, like the Norton, like the Opie and Anthony days. Exactly. Yeah. And I don't know if Artie liked it or didn't like it, but like he got some, not all of them, but it was funny. Whenever Ardy and I would tour together, I would go out and I was like, they are not having this.

And then Artie would go out and sometimes they're like, they're not having this either. Like, I don't know why that. That is a... I don't know why they're here. That seems like a weird mix of audience. I'm basing it on one show. This is what the human brain does. One thing happens and you go,

that's how they are. It's like... But it would seem kind of accurate. Right. That old Howard Stern audience. And your audience is... Well, look at the tweets. I would look at the tweets after the show.

They're like, great show, you fat fuck. They're saying it's already, but I mean... Yeah. And with love. And I think that... That's how they love each other. Well, you're from Jersey. Could you, I'm going to speak in Jersey to, I mean.

Yeah. All right. I love going first. I also love my fans. My fans are, I'm not just saying that. They're like super sweet. Yeah. We've grown up together.

I'm 42, so I'm like watching them grow up. Right. It's really cute to see some of them having kids and stuff and like hearing my kid stuff. And it's like a. What was it that when you were younger that hooked them in? Like what was the, where did you become popular? Was it Conan? I think the first, I mean, every once in a while, I'll go real deep and meet somebody that's like, I love your doctor videos.

That was like the first thing we uploaded was we had this office in New York and we realized it looked enough like a doctor's office that we could shoot sketches. And me and Warren Brimmer and Matt McCarthy would write like 12 sketches. Sort of when YouTube was new. It's not to say we were so innovative, but like now I'd tell this to you and you'd be like, yeah, everybody. That's where I'm going after this. My daughter just did that on my way out. Exactly. But this was at a time when it was kind of,

I feel like I was late to so many things, but I was pretty much right on time to podcasting. It was pretty much right on time to some of the YouTube stuff. So we uploaded these sketches. And Oren and I and Matt, too, we just showed a very similar sensibility. And then I wrote the first Batman sketch, which was called Batman Vanishing.

And that was on college humor. and that really that's I still get that people are like I love Batman yeah college humor was it was more than just that for you though right what do you mean it wasn't college humor like you provided a lot of stuff there like it's always

listed in your things it is it's on my IMDB the first thing I just went on there because I was like how do I change this fucking headshot it's a photograph so good in their kitchen 25 years ago I'm like can we change this it's so funny when you're haunted by a bad photo I have one from JFL and it was me like in a suit and I'm kind of looking at the,

I look like a magician. Like I look so like a bad magician. Yeah. And it is everywhere. It, there's a number of photos. This is a very high class problem, but there's a number of photos I have where I'm like,

get that out of here. So scary. My premium blend, my first TV appell is, I swear I looked like it was washed out. So I'm like very pale. Yeah. Incredible, like Joker pale.

And my lips looked like purple and I'm just like, and I was like, this is how I'm being introduced. Plus, when I did Premium Blend, they edited it down from seven minutes to three. Three. Three. Oh, my God. That means they didn't like it. That's like a direct.

This one wasn't good. Do you remember it going well? No. Oh, it didn't go well? It went okay. Yeah. But I was coming up with like Aziz. So Aziz, I think.

taped the night before. And people were like, his set took 15 minutes, not because he went long, because they wouldn't stop clapping. So he got so many applause breaks. It doubled the length of his set. And I was like, oh, wow, it's going to be hot. But I also did that rookie thing. I was just thinking about my premium blend.

Yeah. Where I changed the material like the day before. I had this panic. I was like, oh, you should do this other bit. And I did. And that's the bit they cut out. And it was like a three-minute bit. Hadn't done it a long time.

It's so funny that early thing. Like, that's such a reckless thing to do as someone who really knows what they're doing. But when you're young, you make, I did the same thing. And is it because you're fearful of the stuff that you're going in with or you think you're better than you are? I think it's a misinterpretation of something that is true and is effective, which is when you're on stage and you're doing like an hour, I find it. And I know you would agree. I think you would agree. If something happens, something shifts.

the room, there's someone drops something, someone falls down. Yeah. Or you think of something and you get really excited about it. It's 99% of the time, a very good idea to go with that. Yeah. Stop your stupid toaster bit and go into like what's happening. But when you're doing a TV set, that's not always the best case. Right. Right.

You stick to the material. But I don't know. I think it wasn't going to go that well either way. I remember the first. It was nerve-wracking that first one. Oh, yeah. And then if you, I did John Oliver's New York stand-up show. And there was just such a huge difference.

Not to toot my own horn. Tute it. I'm going to Tute it. Tute it. We're here to Tute it. We're here toot it. We love you. We Tute it.

That's really sweet. It's really sweet. Let's hear it. I did it. I went out and I took the mic and I looked at the stand sort of like this, like with whimsy. Uh-huh. And they laughed.

Uh-huh. It was like, you ever get that insane? in arrogance, but you need it to stand-up. I was just like, I'm killing and I haven't said anything. This is before I'm anything. Nobody knows me from anything. It's just, it's one of the greatest feelings in the world to be so bad at stand-up for so long.

And then like, almost like skateboarders, you know how skateboarders can't land a trick? Yeah. I think it's either that or you're Tony Hawk. I don't think that. And it's very similar with stand-up. Yeah. One day, you go from the guy that calls the audible that ruins the sad.

It's three minutes. You're watching it with your first wife embarrassed. I have a terrible headshot. And the next thing you know, you're adjusting the mic and you just look at them in this fearless way, but still in a humble, like, you're not a cock. Yeah. But you're kind of doing something certain. Right.

Cocky. Right. Certain. Very different from cocky. Which is huge because that puts the audience. They know that you're in charge. now. They're comfortable. They're like, okay, good. He knows, we're in the hands,

we're in good hands right now. I know a bad guy, but Cosby had that line where he said, the pilot can't get on the PA and say, I'm going to try to land the plane. And I was like, that's it. Right. A pirate isn't cocky when he said, we're going to be on the ground in 20 minutes. Right. But if he was like,

guys, look, it's pretty choppy. I'm going to do my best. I've done this airport a few times. Ooh, not as windy. It's really never in this one, but I don't know this co-pilot and I don't know if you guys believe in like vibes

but he's got a weird vibe like that is not how you do show business. Yeah, no, I know. It's funny, isn't it when you're young? Like, to do it and come back the second time, you really do have to have

enough belief in yourself like that you're gonna. Oh, the second time you do it. Yeah. Like to keep, like when I think of the early days when I was starting to get paid, You know, not big, but I was like, people were paying me to come and tell jokes. Yeah. And I'm like, who was paying that guy to come?

But there was an enthusiasm. I got through with some laugh. You know what I mean? Like there was, I had no skill. I had nothing dialed in like we do now. You have to do it poorly. Yeah. Moinck delivers grass-fed and grass-finished beef and lamb pastured pork and chicken

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It's spelled M-O-I-N-K-M-O-N-Box.com slash Papa, P-A, and you will get a free supply of bacon for a year. Can't beat that. Thank you, Moink. Okay, so this is something I'm very interested in, especially as parents. Yeah. Meaning is sort of made up. Right. Like, I think one of the reasons why stand-ups are so, like, we'll get territorial about, like, music acts or people who do stand-up on TikTok. And, well, that's not real or whatever. Right, right, right. Because meaning is like sort of forged, if I can say forged, in hardship. So even though you and I don't know each other that well, we love each other.

Right. Because we know what it's like to open for some guy who might kind of, he's not that great, but you got to take the gig and you got to get a jacket for it. You have to drive four hours west of where you live in a dining hall. Yeah. Like I've performed in the shadow of Mount Rushmore for like people wearing fezzes and stuff. And that, and I kind of had a sense of this while I was doing it, but that does put meaning into being a comedian value.

you. It's like we think about it with my daughter. I'm like, would we just buy her, let's say she wanted a Nintendo Switch. Would you just buy it for it? Because you can. I have $200 or $400 or whatever it. Sure. Or do you play the baloney game of like, well, if you just go get a job and earn it just because you're kind of saying like, life sucks. And even though I have $400, fuck you. I'm just giving it to you. Because that's what happened to me. Like you're paying forward the abuse of the world. You're just like, I wanted shit when I was your age and I couldn't fucking get it. So good fucking luck, sweetheart. I almost died at the end of that sentence.

Or do you say get a job and work for it, but here's why. I hope she can understand this. Watch me eat my words. But you say one of the great secrets of life is that we create meaning. And if you have a Nintendo Switch that I just gave you, it really, it's one of the truest things. It really won't mean as much. Oh, 100%. You just get a job washing windows or whatever you're going to do. Yep. I'm giving you life itself. It's so true. No, it's really. And look, I have 16 and 19. My daughters are 16 and 19. It's between 16 and 19 kids. Yeah. I don't even

know. I don't even know. I don't even know. Ballparking. And. Yeah. Well, you're right in the So I'm seeing the result of those. Yeah. I'm seeing the results of all those. I'm seeing the results of all those moves. Do you think that move would work? I'm very interesting. They completely, it completely works. It completely works because you're giving them the gift of character. You're giving them, you're telling them what meaning is. I'm showing the cards, saying like, I know this seems like bullshit. Because I lived off my parents' money for way too long. It's embarrassing. I had a job, but like our groceries would go on a credit card that we didn't see the bill for, stuff like that. Real privilege. I'm familiar. Yeah.

with my position. It was a lucky position. And then when I started, like, you making money with comedy, and I bought, if I tried to think, I bet I could remember what I bought, but I bought something. And it was mine. And I was like, fuck, they were right.

This matters so much more. I remember I bought a bed. We were all broke in New York, and I bought a temporepetic bed. My friends used to come over and lay on the bed. And, like, if my mom had bought that bed, I wouldn't say, hey, guys, I have a temper. I'd be, like, hiding it.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I'm like ashamed. Maybe I should be a little ashamed. Like, why the fuck are you getting a $1,400 bed on your mom's mastercrime. Yeah. But when I bought the bed, I have a photo of all these comedians.

I think Middle Ditch and Coomel laying on my bed because I was the only one that had a good bed. Yeah. It wasn't a hand-me-down or a futon. Exactly. In a horrible nightmare apartment. The bedroom, New York cliche, but you'd open the door, it would hit the bed. I didn't have to tell anyone where this bed was. Go in the bedroom.

It's the room with the bed. Yeah. But the same way that that mattress really meant something. I'm still fond of it. It's going, creating your act, your career, building your career, it has the same thing. You can look at that thing and be like, wow, I'm really proud that I did this. And you watch people who brush up against comedy into. TikTok or whatever forum or YouTube and they have like millions of followers and it's a thing.

It's too fast. And it seems too fast. But I don't want to be the old guy that's like, that's not comedy. But I can say that that's comedy. I can say good for you. You're obviously motivated to make these videos and put them up. You're funny. You want it.

Great. But I think we're allowed to respect and cherish the craft and. the area that we did it in. By the way, cut to two really old guys watching this on their phones and they're like, I can't believe I got it to work. And they're like, when we were in the vaudeville circuit, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was always harder.

So here's how we can, I think, intelligently amend our position on, like, say, a TikTok celebrity. Mm-hmm. That is valid. I always go to Bo. Boe started on YouTube. Right. And then it's forged more and more. Right.

The forging is the keep doing it. Right, right, right. If you get it and you flare up real fast, and there's a lot of like Gen Z celebrities that I see this happening to where it happens a little too fast. It's the same thing with people that win the lottery. Yeah. They're very disillusioned. They're children of very wealthy parents.

Right. You don't want to play this game with a cheat code. And you kind of realize that you were born into a cheat code. Right. Or this fame was given to you like too quick. Right. Obviously, at the end of the day, it's not really about this capitalistic, like, scoring of money, but it's the thing. A big part of this culture feels that way.

Yeah. So that can lead to despondency. Right. For sure. Oh, 100%. So. But I mean, don't you feel at this point, like, you know what you're doing with stand-up, you've made shows, you create things. Like, isn't, doesn't that give you a nice, like, you have a nice, like, big house base to your home?

I thought you were like, you got a big house. No, like you've got a real solid thing that you can be proud of. For as much as I like to talk about molecules, this is what I'm talking about, the different altitudes we can fly at. And all great altitudes. And an altitude that I don't fly at enough is the psychological altitude, like literally just doing practical therapy and research reading books from smart, happy people, balanced people. And also just going like, fuck, sometimes. having a very difficult goal and seeing it through, regardless of whether or not you're going to ring the big bell

or make a living or whatever it might be, everything in between and below, it does feel really good. And one of the reasons I'm able, so this is sort of a paradox, to spend all this time thinking about flocks of bees, flocks of worms of bees, is because of all this very practical, earthy work of getting, I think,

I believe that I'm good at stand-up because if I was watching me, I say it on stage almost every time. I'm like, if I was watching, I'd be losing my damn mind. Like, I would love this guy. And that's very practical. And then that afforded me later time to read the Dow-D-Eaching or whatever. Right. So what are you saying?

Oh, I'm agreeing with you that, like, it feels really good to have a base. and to go, it, it, but you don't enter that space where you allow yourself to realize that? No, I don't talk about it enough. Oh. I'm so often flying off into woo-oo land, which is kind of my favorite place to fly off. Right. It's sometimes, you almost have to listen to the earlier years of my podcast if you want to hear about, like, my therapist, Dr. Gary Penn, who taught me like it's okay to love yourself and it's okay to this and that.

And then just like practical, like I went through a huge Tony Robbins phase. And I just started like hiking every morning, doing sort of like embarrassing affirmations and stuff. Right. That made like a fundamental difference. I think my brain was still kind of forming. Yeah. And that helped me stick with something that's very difficult. Do you have anything from that time that you, that you'll, that you'll, I have this little, this little book like,

this thing is the wisdom of man or something and it's in my end table and there are times in my life where I've taken that out and read it and it's very it's really small but it's very inspiring a lot of biblical quotes in it and it's really about mostly the book of numbers thinking positively and stuff and it's funny because it's still in the end table and in moments of weakness or just searching I'll pull it back out and be like oh Oh, hello, old friend. I remember you. And I remember really needing you at certain time.

Do you have those? Oh, yeah. You revisit those things? I'm very fortunate in that I found, like, the five or six teachers or books or whatever it is, and they just rotate through. Right, right. Like, I'm a big Ram Dass person. I haven't listened to Ram Dass in, like, a year, maybe not a year, but six months. And I put them on this morning.

Right. Because it's exactly what you're saying. It's like, I remember liking this. Right. And when I was shooting the second season of crashing, speaking of like shooting up yeah like shooting up in fame or getting the show with jet apnea stuff i got really really really depressed like the worst i've ever been in my life at what point during the shooting of the second season second season worst timing ever really and i've told the story

before forgive me but i'm telling it to you yeah i'm in a golf cart with bill burr and he literally says to me like look at you look at you got here on show judd appetow HBO If you're not happy, nothing's going to make you fucking happy. And I was like, ha, ha, ha, and I was pretending. I was like, oh, Bill. But for some reason, like, chemically, I was off, not circumstantially. Yeah. But it was because I had lost my North Star.

Like, I had forgotten how to, like, tap into the phenomenon that's looking out our eyes right now. Right. Which you can call God or you can call awareness or you can just call something that exists that's outside of the bullshit. outside of the bullshit of the system. Yeah. Which is like, oh, Tom's on a show. I'll be nicer to Tom. You know the system.

Tom has a nice watch. I'm not putting you down. I'm just saying, I'll be respectful to Tom. That's the muck that we're stuck in. And we're all, spirituality is such a bad rap and I get it. Believe me, I get it. I was part of that and I hated it. But it's saying there's something else going on.

Something. And you lost that when you were shooting it because you're just in that flood of working and all the stuff. for granted. I stopped reading. I stopped meditating. I stopped practice of any sort. And I just was like, you won, Pete, go be on a show. And then when you go, and I was still grateful. I wasn't like a cranky, you know, turd. But inside I was like, I know there's more to this existence. Right. And it made me really sad. It's difficult though. It's difficult in those moments when all of a sudden you get through, you're in projects and you're doing things and the number of details,

the stuff that's coming at you in the material world is a lot. And read a book when you're... Yeah, and I'm just going to kind of like hang out and go back to that. Thank you. That's compassionate. And it's also a little bit of a heartbreak. This is in the movie Soul, the Pixar movie. He plays that gig that he always dreamed of, and afterwards he's sort of melancholy.

That's, it's the great Jim Carrey quote. He goes, I wish everybody could have their dreams come true so they could see that it's not the answer. answer. And that really is a type of grace. Yeah. You, you, and by the way, when I heard that quote, when I was a young man, I was like, well, I'd like to see for myself. Yeah. Well, it turns out I did get to see for myself. Right. And if you're watching and you're like, well, I'd like to see him from, go for it. Yeah. Go for it. And just know when you get there and there's good and bad. Yeah. That you're not alone in seeing the bad and going like, fuck, no matter where I go, there I am.

So what's the North Star now? What is the thing that you are like, I'm going to head towards that now. Well, you know, the Tony Robbins thing, which is more practical, which is what got us in this area, had a lot to do with like starting the day. This is so men in their 40s kind of stuff. But like starting your day with like a hike, like claiming some time for yourself. Right. Getting the blood flow. Like real Tim Ferriss stuff. I know Tim Ferriss too. Like take a cold shower and like shock your system. Right. And I have. would do these like affirmations that I swear your brain is so susceptible to influence, which is why advertising works.

I know. Like we think it's not. Uh-huh. But it's, they do these studies. Totally works. My friend Mike McCarge wrote this book called You're a Miracle and also a Pain in the Ass. It's a great book. And he talks about this study.

You're going to love this. I'm savoring the moment before I told you. The study is they have people come in and they have to rearrange blocks or, whatever, and the blocks have words on them. They're like writing magnetic poetry, basically. And you'd think the study, I love these twists. They're like punchlines. Yeah.

It's like science punchlines. You think the study is like, what poems do they make based on their income or something? Right. But it's not. It's how fast do they walk out of the experiment based on the words we give them? Did you hear what I said? This is fucking nuts. So if I give you words like elderly, lethargic, you know, slow.

Uh-huh. you'll walk out 42% slower than the same guy, same demographic. Really? They got words like limber, quick, speedy. He's going to leave 42% faster than you left just because you read those words. So don't tell me that we are not jokes. We're miracles and we're jokes. Yeah.

So you're embarrassed that going on a walk and saying, all the love I need is in me now. Right. And you're embarrassed that that works. Well, yeah, be fucking embarrassed. Also, biopics are embarrassing because it's Elton John going like, small, small barber, no, tiny dancer, tiny dancer. And it's so cringy. It's cringy because that's what he did. Right.

That's what songwriting is. It's embarrassing and stupid. And so are you. Yeah. So just take advantage of it. It's, yeah, it's, it's, you just tapped into a thing that I've always had in my mind and it is because of embarrassment. I know, like when I would leave. a magazine in the bathroom or on the corner of my desk and it was negative headline of like

the insurrection or whatever and you just some kind of just a couple words in the and I'd pass and it was like it would make me feel sick and I was like what why don't I do the affirmation thing and write something that I would want to that that would be helpful and just put that on the mirror put that on the counter like you really should have these things around that's why to soak up your soul. That's why I wanted to start by, even if people just watch the first five minutes, at least I got to say, like, you belong. You are not a visitor here. Right. And Alan Watt says, you're not a visitor here. Yeah. You didn't come into this world. You came out

of this world. Like, you were grown into this world, like fruit on a tree. And Apple doesn't go, like, oh, I don't belong here. Yeah. Just came out of this fucking tree. But that's how you feel about your mom. And you're like, this lady had sex. And now I'm here. And what the fuck am I doing? And how do we make money? Like you're, you're, that's an affirmation. I actually don't really like when people are just like, you're good, you're okay. I believe all that. Yeah.

But I, I, I'm not there yet. I have, I need to say it to myself. Totally. I need some, like, facts. Yeah, right, exactly. I think a little self-doubt is, is healthy. My screensaver, I did it on my screensaver on my MacBook. It says, and it was kind of a joke, but then I left it because it's kind of like nice to see it.

It just, because I was like, oh, you can put your words on there as your screensaver. And mine says, you're delightful. And you know what? You seem like a guy who sees you're delightful. Like, why? I think about this all the time. It's like the key, one of the keys to life is to find our flaws. And if you want to, you don't have to.

You can be macabre. Right, dark poetry in a castle. We need you too. Yeah. But if you're interested in kind of putting some pep in your stuff, find the flaws and turn them into like superpowers. And this is every superhero. Your parents die.

You're bit by a spider. You know, all these bad things happen. Yeah. For me, my house wasn't always quiet. So you find your wound and then you find a way to resurrect it, not resuscitate it. Change it. Positively change it. So your brain is stupid.

That's a flaw. Like it's hard. Right. This is where racism comes from. Like you see to, Korean people chewing gum and your brain will go, Korean people chew gum. I did it earlier. I made a generalization about Arty's fans. It's one of the limits of our brain. It's what it likes to do. It's a pattern

recognizing machine. Also, so it's dumb. Let's use the dumbness for our advantage. You could see the bad magazine or the magazine with the negative thing. Or you could see you are delightful. That's like a way of using it. So I'm kind of like an addict. Kind of like an addict. It's one of the reasons I stopped drinking is I'm I like to put it this way. I'm abundant. If there's good stuff, let's do it.

Right. Let's do a lot of it. Yeah. Let's eat all these donuts. Right. I'm going to give you the rest of these donuts because they can't come home with me. They have to. I know you don't want to, but I'll give them to Aaron.

We'll give them to Aaron. We'll give them to Aaron. Yeah. But like, okay, so I'm an addict. Let's see if I can addict myself to some good stuff. Mm-hmm. Can you get addicted to exercise? Right.

Can you get addicted to stand up or working or writing. And I don't mean there's a limit to that. You can go too far with any of those. So is, Is there a career thing North Starwise that? For me? Yeah. Like besides the taking the hikes and being for yourself.

Yeah. You know, because once you get, I've had this where you get, you went through crashing and you had this success and stuff. And then you kind of kind of have to rebuild what you're going to go after next. That's right. I mean, that's sort of, I, somebody, my friend Yoni, who is a writer on crashing, he said, he's like your career is like Wanda vision. You've had a talk show, you know, stand up, and then you had an HBO show.

And I don't know if you know this. I'm doing a CBS show, which is starting in the fall. Oh, nice. A sitcom? Yeah, it's a sitcom. And that's what he means. He's like, and now you're going to do a multi-cam sitcom, like a real, like, all-American. I mean, all-American.

I mean, all-American. You're going to do, like, specifically an American art form, the multi-game sitcom. Yeah. Yeah, on CBS, that's so perfect. And it's on CBS. Oh, my God. Dude, the first thing, one of the first things I thought was Nick Crowell 20 years ago were in Rafifi, which was a club in New York.

Yeah. And he smoked at the time. Everybody smoked at the time. He's smoking. And he was telling me that he went out for some CBS sitcom. And this is when I, again, I was like an open micer who used to like visit these shows and just hang out. And he kind of knew me a little bit.

And he was like, I didn't get it. I was like, that's too bad. And he said to me, he goes, you look more CBS sitcom than anybody here. And he meant it as a burn. Like you look like kind of like a toothpaste commercial, kind of like a good old boy. But I remembered that he said that. And it really meant a lot. Even though he was sort of teasing me, I guess.

No, you like to hear that. And then when I booked it, well, your friends help you see yourself. Yeah. And when I booked it, Val, well, the offer came in. And I was like, what a privilege. sentence that is. They offered, Mark Gross,

the writer, incredible writer, wrote it with me and mind. So they asked, and I asked my, Val, I was like, what do you think?

Is this, is this cool? Yeah. I mean, it felt cool to me, but I wasn't sure. And she was like, Pete,

you're like a CBS sitcom got struck by lightning and became a person. Like, you need to do this. So like, partners can do this. It's great.

Melaney did that for me. sort of famously, we were checking into a hotel. We were on the road together. And the person behind the desk, this joke doesn't age fantastic. But I'm going to say it. She goes, okay, one of the rooms we have is a non-smoking queen. And I went, that's me. Right.

The queen. Yeah. Like a drag queen, I guess. And it's so unfunny. And Malaney looks at me and he goes, you're like a fun dad, you know what? He's like, and that became the line that got me, Montreux. As soon as I sat on stage, I don't have any kids, but it sort of feels like I do. Right, right.

They were like, oh, he gets himself. Yeah. And that seems to be what they want. That's great. Do you play a dad? Do you play a dad in that? You do? When Seinfeld goes, I'm not gay, but I am thin, clean, and neat.

You're like, how do you know yourself so well? When Lena Dunham is like, I'm a self-obsessed 20-year-old. Right, right. But you are 20. Right. How are you making fun of what you are in real time? That's our job. Yeah.

So fun. Do you have doubts about that? About which part? Who you are? Like knowing myself? Yeah. I think I go through pocket. I have a folder in my phone called, like, I forget what the title is, but it's like

when you forget yourself and I literally write down, here's what you like. Because sometimes I forget. Do you ever forget? A hundred percent. I go, I don't know what the fuck I like. I don't know what I like. I said DeVal recently like a Beckett play. I go, I'm a mystery to myself.

And she was like, she was raining on me. Yeah. But like, I think you can lose touch with what really juices you. Yeah. And you know what I wrote down? Winning people over is like one of my greatest passions. Right. I love.

Yeah. Like a bad crowd and making them turn. I once went out and golfed with my uncle. Yeah. I don't really golf that much anymore, but I went through a phase where I was golfing a lot with him. And we got. put with two strangers. Yeah.

And I, that same thing that you have, like, I've got to win them over. And it cracked, it cracked my uncle up that for 18 holes, I was just, this guy was not cracking, did not like me, didn't like either of us. And I just kept trying, everything. And he's like, he wouldn't quit. He wouldn't, he's trying to win over this asshole. The guy's an asshole. And Tommy wouldn't stop.

But that, when you find the thing that you can do regardless of your, caffeine intake or your sleep. You just come to life. And I realize that when I think someone's upset with me or they misunderstood me, buckle up for a show. The funniest, most colorful Pete is going to call you and just explain that you misunderstood me at that party. And when I close and you go, okay, I'm like, elated.

I walk home, my feet don't touch the ground. So I could be embarrassed by that or I could just own it and go, I think that's kind of what stand-up is. Yeah, yeah. It's also like, it's my psychology. Again, my parents, my joke about my parents is they say, are they still together? And I go, yeah, unfortunately.

It's a joke. I love them. And I think, I don't, I don't know. I can't summarize them. Yeah, too big. But trying to get that group, my brother, my mom, and my dad to have a good time. It's like I had a show every night. Right. At 6.30. And it was a terrible show. I hated it.

I mean, it's like there will be blood. He's like, he wanted that house when he was a kid. Yeah. And then he's like, well, you should buy it now, Daniel. And he goes, I think if I saw that house now, I'd be sick to my stuff. And it's just like, yeah, I get you, plain view. If I saw, give me the blood, love. I totally, the thing that drove me initially is also my worst nightmare. It really is so funny, isn't it? Yeah, you just had to win these people over and just like, it's a weird thing because you don't you don't lose that thing well it's Jordan but it's not everybody pretending that somebody started a beef with him he wants to like I related I don't relate to much

of Michael Jordan other than we're the same height yeah I can barely touch the rim but like he would pretend someone insulted him to motivate him to do the game and like right we're sort of similar right guy you're golfing with doesn't seem to like you yeah and you're like I'm Michael Jordan Like, I'm going to take this home. I'm going to elbow you in the paint. Like, you're going to fall down and I'm going to help you up. And it's sportsmanship. You know what I mean?

100%. Who fed you? I like to ask a food question on this. Sure. Who was the primary person who fed you when you were a child? Yeah, it was definitely my mom. I'm sure you get that a lot. Is she a good cook?

I think so, yeah. Yeah. I mean, yes. I remember, let's put it this way. there were certain friends I'd go over their house and they'd be like, oh, my mom's a really good cook. I don't mean when I was a little. I mean like I'm 17, 18 and I'm like,

you just put a cut of ham between two pieces of white bread? Like, this is your meal? Right. I don't understand what's going on. What's happening here? This is a union thing? And my mom was, you know, she knew what ginger was. She's like Chinese food.

Right, right. She makes an Italian, sorry, a Lithuanian, but it's more Russian apple pie that would blow you. Really? That's what I was actually thinking of. It's not vegan. Uh-huh. But I eat it.

She also makes roast chicken. I just eat it. It's like, you're my mom. That's the thing. I'm going to eat the chicken. I'm going to regret it, like in my body. Right, right. But I'm going to eat that fucking chicken.

But this will be an expression of love and. It's just like there's a moment, I'm vigish. I don't, I'm not a good vegan. Yeah. But I, primarily for my health and then also for the planet and all those other things that are great about eating plants. Mm-hmm. I, you know, what was I saying? Oh.

Eating the, eating the pie for your mom. Wow, I don't know how I lost the train of my thought, but I lost the train of thought. You were talking about, you're vegan-ish, eating the stuff that you, it's an expression of love that you. Oh, yeah. Any vegan at some point. Yeah. If you're like me, has to go, it's already dead. Right.

You know what I mean? We can't save this one. It's gone. So you can sort of whisper to it like, this is for you, baby. I would always say the same thing to my wife about dogs, and I didn't mean it really, but I was like, I know we shouldn't get him from a shelter, but he's adorable, and he's already here. He's breathing.

That's so funny. Well, there's a lot of ways around a lot of things. It's what's happening. Hey. But it's true. It is already dead. There's such a thing as a frigin. Have you ever heard of a friggin?

No. A friggin will eat meat, but only if they didn't pay for it, because they're not contributing to the financing. So if they're at a barbecue and it's already dead, they'll leave it. That's like the guy who quit smoking but bums them. Yeah. You mean any guy who quit smoking? Terrible.

Yeah. I could plug, just because I like getting this stuff out there. Yeah. I had no idea. Congratulations, by the way. Oh, yeah. I had no idea there was a CBS sitcom. This is so great.

I did the pilot. That has been, you know, especially our generation of comedians. To be in that thing. I know it seems like archaic to some people. Totally. But it's still such a sweet thing. Well, you'll appreciate this then. And I'm not just tone the company line and trying to sound grateful.

This is genuine. I was doing it like walking. And it's on Radford, which is where Sanford was. It's so great. It's on the same stage as where Roseanne was and all these things. Yeah. And I'm just like, something in my psyche was like, this is show business. Yeah.

Oh my God. Don't, you can't become cynical about that. Walking on a lot, doing a thing. You have a parking spot. I had a little dressing room. And then you walk from like a fake, like this. Sorry to blow everyone's mind, but this is a little set. Yeah.

And you walk from this over there. And that's a different set. Like when you're doing crash, you're actually at the comedy set. Right, right. And it's really fun. Don't get me wrong. But there's something like 12 year old Pete. Yes.

One of the reasons why I think I'm happy. So I'm always trying to think like, what is my child's self, what would blow his little hair off? Right, yeah. I was going to say his dick, but it's appropriate. But, and it's, you know, shows like Cheers and Seinfeld obviously and everybody loves Raymond. And like Mark Gross and the other producers, really great producers, they're all kind of on the same page. Yeah.

They're all sort of like, look, we don't love every multi-kim. They want to make a good one. Yeah. And I'm like, that sounds fucking great. And when Val and I read the script, we laughed on every page. And there was no moment where we were like, you know, like some joke that just was like, I don't know what we're saying here, but it feels sort of ugly.

Right. None of that. Really, really good stuff. What's the working title? Smallwood. What? Smallwood. Smallwood.

Because I play Tom Smallwood, who is a real bowler. But I want to stress this because people have already given me grief from some of the photos I took that I'm not doing it like him. I'm not trying to do it. I'm just barely keeping it together. I'm from New England where we do candle pin bowling. So I'm doing my best with the big ball. That's so funny.

They're like, Smalley doesn't wear a brace. I'm like, I'm not Smalley. I'm a soft comedian. Isn't it funny when you make something and like you're thinking about all this stuff and then someone critiques something that you had no intention of even tackling? I wasn't even in your head. It didn't occur to me because he has a really, I've seen him bowling. He has a really unique.

throw and I'm like well I'm not going to do that and then the producers were like it's just his story is the launch pad for the whole thing we're not I'm not like I'm watching Halston uh yeah yeah with you and McGregor that dude is becoming that guy right I'm gonna mostly be me

right good bowling because that's what I do all right I'm sorry I interrupted you had something else you wanted to oh I was gonna just plug some of the books that I love but we can do that at any oh yeah you would be great where's the papa did they ever did you have a Papa pilot

yeah You must have had a couple pilots. I had one that got to the air. Oh, okay. And then I had a couple pilots after that. What was the one that got to the air? And now I have one that's, uh, come to Papa. Come to Papa.

Yeah. It's right there. It was right there. You're one of those guys. It was one of those things. I'm in a really good mood, but I'm like, I could write a really great Tom Papa pilot. You could? I think I could.

What would I be? I think you're a principal. You're definitely a school principal. I think the twist is that you're divorced, but you still. live with your wife. Because he's put upon because he's nice. You guys really love each other.

You just realize it wasn't working romantically. So it's one of these shows where you're going to like watch each other date and you're like dish at the end of the night. That's what I want to see. Being really honest with your wife. I actually don't think that's true. I think we would just do it exactly like what you're doing. Right.

Except you got to change it from comedy, I think. What do you mean? Do what you're doing? I don't want you're not a comedian. Oh, not a comedian. Yeah. No, no, no. I mean, that's the hurdle these days. The one I have at one of the studios now is he's a baker.

He's an Italian baker. And his family's all leaving. And he's trying to keep them all in. Okay. Wait, you're Italian in it? I'm Italian in it. That's why you're learning Italian. Yeah.

No. Yeah, maybe. So you're going to play an Italian guy? This is going to be like... I don't know. It's just... They just have the script at this point. It's great.

Yeah. It's like, you know, the first steps of development. But I mean, yeah, you're always like searching for those things. And I think that what's great about this happening for you is that there's so many things we can do. You have a great podcast. You stand up. You do all these activities and stuff. And I know there's people have been in a while who are like, ah, that's old.

go for a sitcom, go for a little show. It's like, well, why not do it too? Why not do that also? Because once in a while, it's going to line up. Yeah. And you're going to get to do it. Yeah. Who cares?

That's just rejection. You're like, I understand development's hard. There's a long thing. There's a lot of heartbreak. It could happen. Yeah. But go, do it. Yeah.

Throw yourself out there. I completely agree. I really like making TV, and I don't feel weird about that. I don't know why we would. Why would you? I always like the term comedian. more than comic. If someone calls me a comic, I won't correct them because I'm like, oh, thanks for including me. But I've never, like, those are the real pirates. You know how

comedians are sort of like pirates? Like the, like solely comedians. Yes. Yeah. And they love it. Yeah. It's all they'll do. Again, I'm not bringing him up because you know him, but like, Seinfeld, Ellen, Ray. The guys that just didn't seem, the people that just didn't seem like natural night owls. Like so many comedians like Kinnisen or whatever, just like this guy would have been out anyway. Right. You know what I mean? Exactly.

I loved the comedians that were like put out that it was 1030. I know. And I am that comedian. Me too. There's nothing sweeter than an 815 spot. Buddy, can I, you want to know what I do with my celebrity? Yeah. I send gifts of myself.

I think that's hilarious. And I ask to go on early so I can get home and hang out with my wife. And that's not because I've realized that like, I've realized that like, I, I have a show tonight. And I have a feeling I'm going to close. And I just don't feel great about that because you juice the beast up. And it's 10 o'clock. Yeah.

It's like your bed. I'm sort of fucked. I know. And I really like, that's why one of the reasons at my Largo show, I go first. I can start coming down. Right. That doesn't mean drinking or drugs or anything. I just like let my body start to reacclimate.

So I can kind of get to bed around 11 or 12. Smart. But I also go up first because I love first. crack. Are you kidding me? Yeah. I can't stand watching someone ruin the first crack. You just ruined the first crack. Even if it's just the DJ introducing the MC, like you just ruin it. There's only one first crack. Yeah. There's only one sort of wedding night moments of like, when's the first kiss? And I want the first kiss. I know that sounds kind of gross, but I'm just saying like I that like yeah you get to play with the tension right the show is starting right this is

the thing yeah this is the opening scene of the movie this is how the movie opens I want to be in that scene I want to be in the movie 45 minutes in like I show up that's that's it shows why you do a great job of it and a lot of people can't do it a lot of people they do in great Britain too oh yeah the the headliner goes first yeah oh I appreciate you you that I stopped you complimenting me. I didn't mean to. Please continue. I just really, I have host energy and I never knew that about myself. Yeah. Yeah. I hosted for years. That's a great. Yeah. There is, as you said that, I was like, there is a trap. You can get folded into the, the house MC trap. But like if you could host, I mean, they had a tour, Best Week Ever Live, which is when Malaney said you're like a fun dad.

and because I could host, I did maybe 25 of them as opposed to everyone else who probably did like eight of them. Right. Because we need a host. Yeah, I know. And there's only a couple of them that want to or are good at saying, are you guys ready to get going. Yeah, it's not going to make the room weird by coming up with these stuff. And then clubs would like host me too. It's like, I'm.

That's what, Marin's always saying that to me. Like, he that's like, you know, Marin's always like giving you digs on your way up. or off or in the green room and stuff. And I like said a whole thing at the store and good night. Good night everybody. And in Mark Marin, bring him on, you know. And he's coming out. I'm just waiting like this.

He's like, what are we entertaining? Yeah, that's exactly what I do. I entertain. Being an entertainer isn't a bad thing. It's a great thing. That's like saying we have host energy. Yeah, right. Exactly.

Yeah. I mean, I'm sure Marin would say the same thing. That just sounds like anxiety. Anybody can say anything backstage because we're all freaking out. It was so funny. He literally, he texted me the next day. I love him to death and he does this repeatedly. And for some reason, he follows me everywhere.

What do you mean? Like, if I have a show tonight, Mark will be going on after me. It's just, and it couldn't be. It couldn't be like a funnier combination. It's like you're in the same grocery store and you keep turning down the same aisle, but on opposite ends. Yeah, and he always is the same, which is hilarious and cutting. And but that last time he was like texting me at seven in the morning like, was I extra shitty last night?

That's really funny. I'm like, no, you were great. Everybody's doing the best they can. And when they go, what are we entertaining? It's because, you know, that helped. Yeah. It's helping him. Helping him get up to the mic now.

Like, I don't have to do that, do I? Most people. It could be myself. Exactly. It's just, I don't know how Mark feels about me anymore, but for a very long time, we played up that we, that he hated me. It was never that we hated each other. that he hated.

Right. And like the weirdest thing is like people who are like me aren't my cup of tea either. You know what you mean? I'm not even saying that to try and win him over and be like, I get it. There was a time I probably would have said that. But when there's like just this like hammy, I'm like 11 feet tall, I'm so loud, spit flying from my, can I run a bit by you? Like get out of here.

Like if I'm not in that mood. Right. Right. seldom in that mood. Yeah. I don't need another me. People that remind me of me often bother me. Really?

People who reflect back to me, my woo-woo beliefs often bother me. Someone else is like, it's all just molecules. I'd be like, get the fuck out of it. Because I need it. Why? You need to be your thing? No, that could be it. That certainly could be it.

Usually if I bring it up, it's because I have some sort of connection to it, and that's when I feel like talking about it. Right. And if I don't feel like talking about it, and someone starts telling me, Like I just lost a part or something. And some of those, we're just Adams. It's like, shut up.

Let me be. And I'm all for that, by the way. This isn't a mistake. Yeah. Like, if you're heartbroken, be heartbroken. If you're mad, be mad. Yeah, no. If you're getting drunk right now, be drunk.

It's okay. Yeah, I don't think the goal is to live in this blissful acknowledgement of that rhythm that undercurrent. If you dip in and get a couple minutes of that a day, you've done a lot. Your way, if you can, I'll do you one better, not better. If you can put your phone away for one day a week, you're basically Jesus Christ. Absolutely. If you can spend one day, you're Buddha. Yeah.

Really. Oh, my God. And it makes a huge difference. Yeah. And I've been trying, I haven't been doing it for a long time because of the quarantine. But it used to be on Saturday or Sunday, I'd mix it up. Just put the phone away. And you'd think, like, well, I'm not going to get anything done.

now I'm back to the 90s. There's like envelopes in my house where I wrote something really good down on it. Because you're giving your brain that reason. Right, right. Like the idea of a Sabbath, neither of us are Jewish, but like the Sabbath is genius.

Right. It's straight genius. Yeah. And there's a theory that that's why there's so many Jewish doctors. I know that sounds sort of like, oh yeah. But there's so many Jewish intellectuals and brilliant in so many different fields.

Yeah. And they're like, yeah. Like, genetically speaking, this is a tribe that's been observing one day of rest. Wow. I think you might be. This is not my theory. Yeah. Comment to me.

I could totally see that. When I grew up in northern New Jersey, we had the blue laws and you couldn't, everything was closed on Sunday. Love it. No stores. No, you just couldn't do anything. Yeah. So you just had to, we'd go to church and then.

That's it. That's it. There's nothing. You couldn't go do whatever. I studied in Israel, Friday at Sunday. Boom. The whole thing goes dark. And it's like a forced Sabbath.

It's so great. And you're like, I kind of love that. Yeah, it's amazing. I love quiet so much. Thank you for doing this. We didn't eat the bread. Well, you were taking that home. Oh.

That's for you. And Val. I'm going to throw it at a bird. Yeah. How great, by the way, your relationship with throat at a bird. Yeah. How great is Val, though? Val legit is the queen.

She really is. I'm glad that you see it. You want to know? Yeah. Sure. Thank you. I'm glad that you see it because. because people like Flanny see it.

Yeah. There's a lot of people that see it. And then every once in a while, someone doesn't see it. It's like my little sociopathist. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, you just walked by the sun to talk to the yellow one on a stoplight.

Yeah, yeah. Wrong choice. Oh, that's a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. She seems like the kind of person I've met before, like that I've been friends. She's like, some people like have that. It's almost like sometimes you hear a song

and you're like, This is brand new, but it feels familiar. It's like a thing. There's something to it. Something else is related to brown-eyed girl or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, totally. She has that.

And that is one of the hugest things is not settling and waiting. But even when Val and I got married, we didn't know how good it was. Because you can't really know. It just kept getting better. Yeah. Meaning there's always going to be like a stepping into the unknown. of a relationship. Yeah, yeah.

Like, I remember when we moved in together, there was still a part of me being like, are we doing this? Because I hadn't divorced and a little shell-shocked from that. So no matter how great they are, there might be some sort of like your brain going like, easy partner.

Yeah. But like, it's only gotten better and better. And she's so funny and so wise. And on Friday, she does the Friday episode. So on Wednesday we have guests. Uh-huh. Like today, Busy Phillips came out.

Nice. But then on Friday, It's always just me and Val. Oh, that's nice. And that's like, that's like, that's great. That's all you really need to know about our relationship is every Friday. We talk for two hours without planning. Right.

And we laugh. Right. Learn from each other. And it's like our little date. That's great. And most of the time we're with our baby and now we get to just, just talk like this. That's really great. That's brilliant.

Yeah. So she's great. And we're doing a live, you, uh, you made it weird August 19th. So this month. Oh, okay. Largo. Ah, nice. Largo dash LA.

Very cool. All right, so you're going to take the bread home. Oh, and here's some olive oil for you from the Italian place. Wow. So you take that home. I really appreciate it. I can't believe we ate donuts. I have that flush.

You know what I mean? It's like, you know, like our eating half a donut is like doing shots of whiskey. We just did something very intense. Look at this. Take home a couple to her, though, and we'll give the rest to Aaron. No one knows what first cold pressed mean. It's like the Seas Canal. No one knows what the Seas Canal.

And I don't know on. honestly, if it should be unfiltered or not, I don't know. Is that good? It's like, you'll find out. Boss, there's a whole batch that wasn't filtered. Just put it on the bottle. Just make it like a good thing. Do you feel like we know each other more?

I feel great. But I've always felt this closeness with you. So I'm glad we got to do it, though. Yeah, 100%. All right, cool. We got it, Aaron. Thank you, Pete Holmes. I told you that was going to be a good one.

Oh, man, oh man. What a great guy. Truth be told. He couldn't take all of the donuts home with him, but that's okay because Aaron has never turned down any of the leftover food on this show. So thank you to Pete Holmes. You're the best. Make sure you go check out his podcast.

You made it weird and look for Smallwood on CBS. It's very exciting. I'm very happy for him. And also check out all of his live dates. He's always at Largo here in L.A. And then running around the country as well. Thank you to all of you for listening. Thank you to our friends at Moink.

com. Make sure you like and subscribe. Keep the family growing here at Breaking Bread. And we'll see you next time with more food.