Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 8 - Dave Hill

Episode Date: June 30, 2020

Break out the cool glassware. This week my good friend and great comedian Dave Hill comes by as we continue our quest for the perfect martini. This one will turn your day into the perfect cocktail hour. Dave has a hilarious new album, The Pride of Cleveland. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey. Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I'm Tom Papa. Thank you so much for joining us. We have a big show for you today. Very exciting.

But before I get into it, let me just say, I've been very grateful hearing from all of you about the podcast and how much you're enjoying it. do hear you. You are, some of you have been expressing a difficulty when listening to the podcast because it makes you hungry and it makes you want to drink and eat. I get it. So I recommend maybe listen to this podcast while you've got a little something nearby. It doesn't have to be something big and fancy.

It doesn't have to be some big fried chicken dish or a big thing of. spaghetti and meatballs. You don't need all of that stuff. But I understand the chewing. It might make you feel better if you have a little trail mix next to you or maybe some peanuts or I don't know. I can't live your life for you. But I do like that it's making you hungry because it makes me hungry too. And the unfortunate thing about starting the podcast now during the global pandemic is that I can't sit with my guests and actually eat, which was my original idea for this podcast, is we were going to sit down, eat, drink, and be merry. And we're not able to do that yet. So I just deliver bread to people and let them have it and

enjoy themselves separately. But I understand I'm conjuring up a lot of food longings with this podcast. And today is no different. Today is going to hit you in an alcohol way. I'm talking with a great Dave Hill, a hilarious comedian, very funny, very talented. He's a musician, he's an author, he's one of my best friends. I really just love Dave Hill so much. He's so creative. And we dive deep into the makings and enjoying of great, great martinis. Oh boy. We appreciate cocktails the way gentleman should. And if you're one of those people that maybe is on the fence about drinking, and then you see it in a movie and you hear the glass, you hear the ice hit the glass, and it makes you really want it, this is going, it's going to happen during this podcast.

We take a deep dive into the proper makings of a great martini and one of our legendary restaurants in New York where Dave and I don't make the martini. We get it. serve to us with, oh, man, some of the best food in all of New York City. All right, so enjoy everybody. I hope you're hungry. This is Dave Hill. Dave, I was, I knew we were going to be doing this today, and I knew that you were going to be looking amazing.

And I was like going through the closet, and I was like, should I, should I try and match them? Should I pull out some of the classics? And I decided, no, you know what? This is Dave's podcast. Dave is the guest. And I'm not even going to pretend that I can compete. I'm just going to go black t-shirt and go the total opposite way and put the backdrop.

It looks like a quality t-shirt. Like I can tell even through my monitor that it's like one of those really is probably like it's like a $75 t-shirt, easy. Well, I don't, I don't like to talk money, but it's. it's a good one. I probably, yeah, I probably, it's, yeah, that's a quality. You can tell, like, it's just, feels nice to put,

you put, when you pull it out of the drawer or whatever, you probably keep it on a hanger, but you rub it, you put it on your face because you're like, wow. Yeah. This is, uh, it's what it's all about. This is no joke.

Yesterday, I actually was online ordering some new fresh teas because that kind of is what, the thing that if you're going to go minimal, that's okay. But you got to, it's got a, you can't look like it's been, can't be like your dad's tea that he's had for 25 years. You got to kind of keep it fresh. So I re-uped my t-shirt game because this is as casual as I'll get, but I don't want to go casual lazy.

No, that's a really, and you look very sveled also. Have you been working out? I have. I've been working out all during the choir. But you, but you. but you tell me about this this is and people can only see this from the shoulders down but this stellar thing that you're wearing I don't know I'm saying things I'm not even sure what it is is it a jumpsuit it is a jumpsuit it's it's some people call them other things what I'm not

comfortable with but yes I can show you it's a full that's amazing my whole body is in this thing I had it. I have one jump. I have had one jumpsuit for a long time, and I don't wear it that often. And then during this, yeah, the quarantine, I was like, I need things to get me through it that are going to make me,

I needed to pamper myself a little bit. Mm-hmm. I get it. And so, yeah. So I, there was this, I had, You know, among my many late night searches on the internet, on the list, in the top 10 things that I look around for late at night, jumpsuits are among them. But they're so hard to find the right jumpsuit. So I found this woman, and I'm not even afraid to give away the keys to the kingdom here.

Because by the time people catch up, I'll be on to something else. You know what I mean? jumpsuits will be in your rearview mirror at that point. Yeah, so I'm not afraid. And plus I wanted, this woman does great work, but you go to Annaherman.com. This woman in Montana makes these jumpsuits, and I found one.

And I have, I'll wear it for the, you know, when I come back for the next time you have me on the show, I'll wear it. Or I could even, you know, if you have time, I could change into the other jumpsuits during the show. That's okay. Let's spread it out. Yeah, let's just, yeah, let's give them,

Some people, I mean, we have a lot to get to look for you. Yeah. Yeah. But I got one and it just really made me feel good. And so I ordered another one. And they're not that expensive. You know, you and I are gentlemen. So we don't talk price. Anyone could go online and see what it costs. They don't cost that much. So I said to her, you know, can I get a custom one? And she said, yeah. She's like, just send me the material. So I went online. I picked. out this material. No, that material, for those that aren't watching this and are listening to it, it looks to me like it's got a white backdrop and then is that purple or gray?

It's like navy. Navy print. For people that know fabric, it's twill, it's a twill. It's a, it's twill and it's usually like, you know, it's a bunch of vignettes of old and timely people like hanging out, having picnics and stuff. It looks like people in the revolutionary times on their day off. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. And then there's birds and different things like that.

And like wallpaper, it repeats throughout the jumpsuit. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, that's what it is. It's basically wallpaper and like couch and curtain fabric. But I've chosen to cover my, as a gross. own man. I am covering my body in it. Right. Right. Exactly. Now, what is it about the jumpsuit that makes you, you said that you put it on and it feels good. What is it about the jumpsuit that makes you feel good? It's one temperature top to bottom. Like right now, I am assuming you're wearing pants. Maybe not. I am. Whether you are or not. I did not, I did not prescribe to this quarantine, no

I'm getting away with it by wearing shorts the whole time thing. You know, I try and maintain some kind of decorum. You have to. I've worn pants and shoes every time I'm interacting with people. I respect that. But also, you know, as much as I, you actually smack some sense into me because I, I'm, you know, I'm out here in Ohio in this, tiny little town that I thought I was coming to for two weeks. And I packed about two weeks worth of clothes.

That, to break it down in gentlemen's terms, is one sport coat, one pair of velvet pants, one pair of jeans, and some workout clothes. Right. And some hockey jerseys, because I thought I'll be running around with the dog. And it was March at the time. Right. So I, that's all I have. And so I thought I need some outfits to get me through this.

And that's jumpsuits. Nice. Yeah, because when I checked in with you, you were, how do I put it nicely? Don't put it nicely. I look disgusting. No, you shouldn't. As the one person in my life who is always inspiring me as far as style and looking good in a comedic rocker sense.

You to see. It was like, it was, it was as if some young boxer came into the gym and saw Ali with a big gut eating some cheeseburgers. I saw you in a t-shirt, not caring anymore what you look like on the Instagram. I just, I got, I got nervous and I called you right away. I needed to hear it because the thing is like for me, for me dressing that like a t-shirt, and hockey jerseys and winter hats and things like that. That's my equivalent of when other people dress up in nice clothes to like be fancy.

Mine is like, hey, let me pretend I'm a slob. That'll be fun. Right, exactly. So I do that just as like a little, you know, fun little game. And I'm like, let me dress like a total slob and I'll go play with the dog, take the dog to the park. and most people that know me, there are people like you who I would say know me and know me well and know me, you know me in the afternoon and evening.

And then there's people that only know me as the guy who comes into the coffee shop or comes to the dog park. Right. Those people think that I dress in track pants in hockey jerseys only. They have no idea. They have no idea. Who they're dealing with. Someone got mad at me.

Someone who works at one of the coffee shops in New York that I go to regularly, they got Googling. And they said, you dress up in suits and nice clothes all the time. And you come in here like a slob all the time. Like, why don't we deserve the nice outfits when everyone else gets them? Did they really? They complained. Yeah, they're like, why don't we get the other guy? Why do we get this guy that comes in here?

Where's nighttime, Dave? Yeah, why don't we get? Yeah. So anyway. What did you say to them? I made it up to him and I made a point of coming in in better outfits. Nice. Good job.

It's not that hard. It's just as easy to put on a nice outfit as it is to put on a bad outfit. Yeah, exactly. Now, a lot of people know this already, but I did a special called Freaked Out. was one of my stand-up specials, and we did a 70s retro style to it, and I actually came to your apartment and rummaged through all of your clothes. Turns out, we're the exact same size. We're body doubles.

We're body doubles. And I was able to poach everything I'm wearing in that special was yours. And I know for a fact that there are, because we are the same size, and you explained it to me, that there were some pieces in there that you told me you can I can wear these meaning yourself that you said I can wear these as long as I don't eat the night before if I eat a little bit of food or drink or go out drinking that night I can't the buttons are going to be strained on this one you had to be lean you had to be lean to step into I think it was a a plaid suit oh yeah I know the one

So now that you are in Ohio and you are acquired up, do you feel like you'd be fitting into those outfits? Or you must be eating a lot of stuff just at home? Well, I actually, at the time that I would have said that, I've trimmed down a little bit, generally speaking, not to brag. But generally, my fighting weight is a little lower now than it was at the time of, that special. Right. As is yours, I would say. We're both, we're still body doubles.

We're both. Still body doubles. Yeah. Well, when I see that you're starting to lose weight, I start to cut back because I know eventually I'm going to need more clothes. Yeah. Do you have to? And, but this is that, I did actually just do a test.

I do have one garment here that's very tight. And I put it on this afternoon just to be like, it's because it's a good barometer to be like, am I putting on a lot of weight and I put it on? It's fine. So I was like, no, I'm not doing all right. But the thing that's exciting about the body, that fact that we are body doubles or twins,

body alike is that we'll both always have work. Because, you know, one of us will always be at the top. and let's be honest, that's probably always going to be you, Tom. But I can always get that body. Like when you need to stand in, when you need clothes, whatever. Right, right. That's when I strike. Now, the thing, you and I cross paths also in a culinary sense in two pretty big ways.

one is you know we've we've done a lot of shows together and we've hung out at the comedy cellar and the olive tree and done all that stuff a lot and we always go for a cocktail at the end of the show like gentlemen we we appreciate the we appreciate the great cocktail done the right way and then the other way is that we also are in love with the same Italian restaurant in New York. Yes. Which would you like to talk about first? Hmm, gosh.

Well, let's talk about the cocktails. Okay. And that's a good, uh, that's it. I feel like that's the right order. I do too, because it's, that's right, the main course with, right, cocktail before and I'll tell you when, as a button on, um, at the last, the last come to popa that I did, I won't use it as a button. I'll just come out of the gate with it.

I had a couple friends come to the show. from Canada and after the show I said there's two things that we could do right now both of them will be amazing after the show

I said we can go over to Olive Tree and have a great drink with Tom and whoever else is hanging out or I know this other place that's more will be more quieter and probably like

their last call and so I said you know, what, which do you? So basically I presented them the two greatest things that can happen in New York City. I said, these are your options. Yeah. Yeah. I said, this is the best things you can do right now are one of those two things and just let me know which one you want to do.

And they did not opt for the cocktail because I didn't. They did not. I think that the mystery of the way I said presented the restaurant to them, it was more like, Ooh, I don't, what could he possibly be talking about, you know? Whereas I just said, you know. Yeah. So they did after that. A lot of times, you have two, two bends.

A lot of times, well, three, I would say. You, martini. Mm-hmm. Vodka martini straight up, very dry with olives. Mm-hmm. And scotch, like the, a very peaty kind of, Lefroig kind of a lagavoul and scotch. Yeah.

And then the red wine when you're getting too trashed. Yeah, that's just a placeholder beverage. That's just for maintenance, like just to kind of keep me at a level. That's the, I don't want to go home yet, but if I drink any more martinis, I'm going to be in big trouble. Yeah. I'm going to have starving to become, have really intelligent things to say. if I keep having. Yeah.

Now, the cool thing, and this is when we're, I think, at our, well, I wouldn't say, yeah, maybe at our best, is when the cocktail is respected, and it is a one or two drink affair, which, cocktail hour around the house on a Sunday night or whatever night, that, if you can, stop at that one, have that one ice cold martini, take your time with it, have it, sit with it for a bit after. It really is enough. It really is perfect. It is like it sets up the night so perfectly.

But the problem is, and this is where we also are the same, at halfway through that first one, you start getting excited. Yeah, you're like, I don't ever. not want to feel like this. I need more of these immediately. Yeah. I just, I do that, not every night, but last night's a good example. Because do you find this, I swear like when I was a younger man, I would drink and then

you'd be like, oh, that's wearing off. And now I kind of drink and it just keeps, I feel like a few drinks will last me eight hours. probably, you know. Yeah, absolutely. So if you do that a night, and I wake up at 4 in the morning, and I'm just like, oh, gosh, those caught up with me. And so, like, yeah, I think one or two is the sweet spot, but, you know, the thing that I did last night, which was totally stupid. My girlfriend's mom drinks, and we're staying at her house out here, and she drinks like, I don't, some sort of Canadian whiskey.

Uh-huh. Probably. Oh, it's like one of the popular ones. Canadian whiskey. Yeah. Isn't it like, isn't it like, uh, uh, for Clovers? Like, oh, I don't know, like Canadian Club or Old Windsor or some. Canadian Club.

Canadian Club. It's, and so I was like, oh, maybe I, I, I've never tried that. You know, you would think that I would have tried that having written a book about Canada. And so, I mean, I've had plenty of Canadian whiskey. I just not had that one. So, and yeah. I poured myself, what I would say is just a little bit on the rocks, but would be considered a full drink by any standard. Right. But I was like, oh, that's just some nip. So I had that. Didn't count that as the first drink, even though it definitely was. I was just like, I just had, you know, I had like a shot, two shots of that, let's say.

Yeah. And then I'm like, well, I have half a bottle of wine from last night. If I don't drink it tonight, it's not going to be any good. I better finish that. So I'm like, well, it's going to go to waste. You better finish it. So I drank that. And then I'm like, all right, I'm done.

And then my girlfriend's niece came over to sit like, you know, 20 feet on the lawn and chat. Right. Yeah. And so I was like, well, I guess I better go crack a beer open for this one. So, but that's like off the rails for me. That's like, that's a big night. That's, what was it? It was Tuesday night.

Yeah. And I woke up just like, oh, my God. What the hell? I mean, I just can't do it anymore. I know. Well, well, we all say that. And then around five o'clock, six o'clock. you do it again. Oh yeah. The second we're done, I'll walk downstairs and make a martini without

question. Right, exactly. I'll be like, no, learn the lesson. Nope. Nope. Yeah, that feeling so bad when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and waking up in the next morning is so far removed by the end of the day. Oh, yeah. But if you can, this is again, if you can do that one martini. You do that one and then just go have your dinner and just have some water and go and go into the night. You don't feel that the next day. And you do feel the good buzz the whole time if you can just stop for a second. But it's tough to do. It's a less, it's a hard, yeah, it's very tough to, especially, you know, as we've been texting about recently, the, the garlic stuffed olives. Oh, boy. Game changer. Oh my gosh.

Boy, oh boy, you really blew my head off with that one because I have, look, I've been making these and making them well for a long time. I'm really good at them. And to the point where I use the bartender at the olive tree as a puppet to make the martini that I want to make, right? You've been with me many times where they've been sent back until they get it right. It's tense, but, you know, it has to happen. And Liz at the comedy seller, she actually did olive shopping to make sure that I had the right olives because there's nothing worse than being in a place that's not really a, you know, fine drinking establishment. And they give you those mangy little cocktail olives that have just been sitting on the bar and a stew and they're tiny and gross and falling apart. There's nothing can ruin a martini more than that.

So it's always the big fat olives. once in a while at a steakhouse, when you're really going nuts, when they give you the fresh blue cheese stuffed olive. That's as far as I would go. You put a blue cheese stuffed olive in a martini? Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. This I am unfamiliar with.

All right. Well, the same way that you led me down this path, I'm going to lead you down the other one. Now be careful, this is not something to be done out of the supermarket. it. This is not, this isn't question blue cheese stuffed in an olive on a shelf for three years. This isn't going to be the same experience. This is going to be a blue cheese simulation. Okay. I know it's pickled. I know technically, but no, don't do it. I've tried. It's a mistake. No, they actually come, stuff it in. We'll use a little tool. Oh, wow. Yeah, cut it off. Oh, boy. It is, it's pretty heavenly.

Does the cheese affect the flavor of the drink, or is it like a reward at the end of the drink? It's a reward. It doesn't pollute the drink. Okay, yeah, because that was like a cheesy martini. That's a thing. No, no. It's not like being filled up with cheese whiz or anything. Oh, okay.

So, and when you say a dry martini, do you, so do you still put vermouth in it? Yeah, but my technique is, dry vermouth in the shaker on the ice, just a couple drops, you know, just a little pour. It can even be a little, just a little bit of a pour. Shake it just once or twice, and then dump it out. And any vermouth that's left on the ice is what's going to end up in the drink. So no vermuth, basically. There is a difference.

If you don't, if you just totally skip it. it, it will be a little too stiff. A little too. Okay. Yeah. But if you can dump it out, you have a, it's, it's going to be vodka forward and it's going, there's going to be, you're not going to taste that vermouth has a very distinct taste to it. It's very round kind of a, nang, yung, yeah. I don't like, I don't like that, right? Yeah. Not a fan.

Yeah. To be honest, the first few. martinis I made here in my lockdown didn't involve any vermouth. It was just vodka. But I was calling them martinis to feel better about myself. Yeah, it's a little stiff. Yeah. You've got to cut the edge off a little bit. But you still want it to be dry. You want that dry and super, super cold. That's when it's just, if you have a little, just a tiny, just a tiny sheet of ice, little polar bear ice on the top of the, of the, of the, of the, I, my, the advice I got was shake it till it hurts. So you're physically in pain? Yeah, where it's so cold that you're like, okay, it's starting to hurt a little bit. Oh, wow. So do you have the proper shaker

thing? Yeah. Yeah. You're doing it. Just a tin thing. Why? What do you have? I have an orange juice glass? I have nothing here. I've really nothing. I use like, I make it in like an orange juice glass and I just do what I can. All right. You're going to have to give me your address. I'm going to solve this problem for you. Because normally I would give you fresh baked bread to do this podcast, but being you're so far away, I'm going to take care of this shaker situation. It's going to change your life. Oh, good. This is exciting. Yeah. Do you You stir? Do you ever stir? I do stir them, yeah.

You stir, so you're not shaking. You're stirring it. I tried to shake it once using two orange juice glasses, and that didn't go well at all. It was a really bad thing that happened. Yeah, that gets pretty sloppy. Yeah, so I just stir. Yeah, no, we're going to get you, you're going to get you shaken. I want to get on the, I really, I got to get, I want to get, I want to get on the bread train though. I guess we'll do that. Yeah. You know, when we get to the other side of this.

Okay. Yeah. There's, right, exactly. You should be, you would be good at it. You would be good at it. Because it takes, you have to be a little, you have to be a little, you have to be a little, you have to be a little, you have to be a little time. Oh, I'm in. And yeah, you're in. If you, if you've searched on the internet for that jumpsuit, you're going to, you'll be able to make a little bit. I'm so excited. So what you did, so what you did. For me, during this quire, while you're making your orange juice drinks, as you point out, something that I have been looking at in the supermarket for years and never pulled the trigger on, I figured there's no way that a garlic clove stuffed olive is going to be, should be anywhere near a martini.

It's going to be too intense. It's going to be too much. and you sent me a picture and said, get on this. And holy cow, are you right? Oh, yeah. It's so good. They were out of them. I went to the grocery store again, and they were out of them.

So someone's on to it. I mean, maybe they're not using them. They're just buying them. But you would think that they wouldn't run out of them, but they did. No, it would be like, I picture. you and one other old lady buying. Yeah, yeah. But they're not as intense.

Like the garlic isn't that intense. No, no, it's mellowed. Yeah. But it's really, yeah. Yeah, I love it. Got a little tricky putting the toothpick through it. Oh, yeah. I mean, I know this is, I shouldn't be admitting this stuff.

I don't even have toothpicks here. I just throw them in. I do have proper martini glasses. That's good. And I chill them and do all of that. That's the most important thing. Toothpicks, it's pretty much a basic, though. It's not that hard, yeah.

It's really doable. There's no reason. I mean, it's good. It holds it in place. You double up, eat the first one. You leave the next one in. It's still adding flavor. But you're not chasing it around the glass.

last like a hamster. Yeah, like a man who's not in control of his life. Right, exactly. The whole thing about the martini is that you actually feel like you've got it together a little bit. Yeah, totally. For just a little while. Yeah.

Half hour. Or however long it lasts. This is how I know that I've made the mistake when I'm getting too excited and I make the first one and I drink it too fast because it's so good. good and it works immediately, is that when I go to make the second one, if I'm fumbling around making the second one, I know I'm in trouble. Oh, yeah, but I mean, you know, then it's just, it's like stubbing your toe on the same nail every day. You just do it any of the next day. It happens again. And there you are. Yeah. I saw Stanley Tucci, you know, he got some,

some social media fame during the quarantine because he taught people how to make a Nogroni and he showed everybody how to make a Nogroni and you could tell he there were a couple moves in it where he dropped the ice and he fumbled something else and I was like oh he's been drinking this is he's not just showing up to make this Nogroni he's drunk right now showing us how to make yeah that's why he got his phone camera out because he's like I'm going to show everybody I'm going to make everyone feel like a King. Nogroni's

They're an amazing drink. They're right up there, though, for drinks that you really, you shouldn't have more than one. And if you have more than two, forget it. Yeah, exactly. A good summer drink, though. Oh, they're great. Orange wedge.

I have a friend who makes fun of me still, as well he should. For we were out by my place in New York, and he had like a flight to catch. And we were in a bar right by my house. And we had already had like, I don't know how many drinks. And I was like, let's just have a nagroni before he head out. And he's like, well, I have to, I need to be in a cab in like five minutes to catch my flight. And I'm like, yeah, we'll get the five minute nagroni.

And he's like, oh, that's actually a really good idea. We just get it and drink it in five minutes. I'm like, yeah, that's exactly right. And he always references the five-minute Negroni and what a horrible, horrible idea that is. And it is. Because you're so hammered after drinking it so quickly. Because to make the decision, you're already clearly hammered.

So, and then you've made things that much worse by. Yeah. It is a good one, though. It's a good drink, yeah. Yeah, a nice little summertime treat. But, yeah, that garlic one, I won't do it all the time, but actually, you know, the treat is of the martini is that you get this little snack without having to put your fingers in everybody's checks mix bowl. Oh, yeah, which is covered in pee.

Yeah. This way, you just get your own pee covered fingers in your drink, which is then sterilized by the drink itself. Right, exactly. And perfect. So I think I'll normal, I'll still go the traditional unstuffed. olive, but once in a while. Steakhouse, blue cheese, and then in an homage. And now I'm in the habit of every time I drink one with garlic, I take a picture of it and send it to you. I like that. Just to keep you updated. I feel good about it. And it's those little things that get me through

these crazy times we're in. Whereas I'm like, on the other side of this, Tom and I will be doing this together. Yeah. And where will we be doing it? Which brings us to the next. Perfect segue. Perfect segue. A little restaurant called jeans. Did you get the picture I sent to you? Tim, you know Tim. I sent him out to take, Tim, you know Tim. I sent Tim out to take a picture of it. Oh, oh, so that was hot off the best. He's still in New York, and he's been taking pictures of New York during all this emptiness. He's still living there. They haven't gotten out of the city. And he takes these pictures that are thought-provoking and heartbreaking at the same time because you're just seeing all your favorite places just,

you know, abandoned. And by places, I mean like 6th Avenue. Yeah. And yeah, like completely empty. But I sent him over to take a picture of one of our favorite restaurants, which is the old school jeans. What is that on 12? No. It's on 11th and 6th, just east of 6. And I call, because I, that was probably the last restaurant I ate at before all this kicked in. Right. And it was so close to things being really horrible that when I walked in, I shook hands with Franco the bartender. And by the time I left in the hour and a half or two hours that I was there, things

had already progressed to be that much worse that he fist bumped me when I left. I swear, it was because in all the... conversations that had taken place. We were like, oh shit, we should not have shook hands. Oh, my God. Well, Jeans is this great old-time red sauce classic Italian restaurant. It's been there forever. Over 100 years.

101 years. Wow. And it's funny because it has an older clientele. This is not a place where, The dining room is filled with the young and beautiful. To the point when I took my daughter, we lived around the corner from this place when the kids were little. And we would go in there and my youngest would get a little freaked out because everybody was so old they were scaring her. And this was just unfiltered, just, you know, five-year-old kid.

Like, this is spooky. It's an old. It is the kind of place that probably said to you, like, there'll be, if you eat in the dining room, which I rarely do because I prefer the bar, but there'll be a pause and just a lull across the dining room and someone will just be like, Ron died, you know, it's like that kind of place where you go and they'll be like, yeah, like the guy that wasn't always there is not there anymore. Oh, it's terrible.

But to be fair, the time we would drag our five-year-old there was, you know, early. This was the early bird. you know, this was dinner at five o'clock kind of a thing. It is a little more youthful when you get past the witching hour of 6.30. Yeah, it heats up. It heats up after 630. But the bar is the best. That is such a cool spot. It's a tiny little bar. How many people is that seat? I would say like a dozen, maybe. Tightly. Yeah, maybe. Tightly. Tightly, yeah. A dozen. Yeah. Yeah. And it's very, yeah, I love it. I mean, it's truly of that I've called there since I've been out here in my pandemic bunker. I've called there under the guise of wanting to takeout, even though I'm 500 miles away, just because I want to make sure someone's answering the phone. She's like, oh, hey.

And I went on their website the other day, and they're, so I think they'll be okay. I really hope they are. Were they doing takeout during the? They were doing takeout. Yeah, I'm not sure if they are anymore. But also a bit of trivia, they, the original owner of that place was brothers with the original owner of El Quixote, the Spanish restaurant, the ground floor of Chelsea Hotel, which makes a lot of sense because they're both pretty similar vibe.

Yeah, and El Quixote was a legendary place. That was getting a little bit of a facelift recently. Yeah, well, it was supposed to, it was going to get, like, reopen as like kind of a new version of itself, but like kind of with um you know you know kind of yeah yeah just the whole re-groving but i actually i can't really get into it but i know the people that were doing it and they it would have been amazing but i don't know what happened it's not oh you knew the people who were going to take it over i knew the yeah but i can't i can't disclose but i was really excited about it but i think it's not happening Oh. Does it rhyme with, does it rhyme with Matthew Broderick?

Oh, gosh. I don't think so. Is it Matthew Broderick? Is it? It's Matthew Broderick. I was trying to trap you. No, no. But I don't know. Maybe someone else is doing it now. I don't know. I mean, no one's doing it. No one. Yeah, no one's doing anything right now. Oh, man. We got. to get back. Will you just. Oh, yeah, we'll get, oh, to the point of the, the, the, the martini with the garlic olives, you were saying, this is like jeans and a glass.

And I think you're, that's exactly right. But also, and I think we've done this at jeans, the power move is the garlic bread, and then the chicken liver moose, and you spread that on the garlic bread, which is not, which is a really bold thing to do. it's bold but man is it beautiful oh man is that good it's really good that is such a treat oh man oh man that is so yeah because i i think that's the only time i've ever eaten that i mean i mean how else would the with the stars align like that i don't know i know oh man it's funny when we go there because we're going with the intent of having a good time and eating a big meal.

And you have, but you go there more frequently on your own, where I'm just rolling into town nowadays and only go there with you. And you can tell like the locals, there's like a little salty crew that sits at that L-shaped bar all the time who your pals with older than us. And they get a little disappointed when they get a little disappointed when they, they don't get their Dave time. They're like, he's busy.

Yeah. Well, you know, it took a lot of work to get to that point where they would, though I'll tell you, and this is, I guess this is really my, kind of my career in a nutshell,

is that a bunch of them came to my, came to see me at City Winery. And they were all like, like four of the women that are often there came and I was so thrilled that they came and they all said what a great time they did they had and then another and then finally one of the women you know a few weeks later jeans um was like you know i i got to be honest we came and we had a great time and all the other girls they loved it they thought you were so funny but i i don't get it i don't understand what i don't understand you

I don't know. I know other people love it. I don't get it. Oh my God. But I kind of... What's the problem? I kind of love... I kind of love that she was just like,

you know what? I can't keep this act up anymore that I... That is actually better. If you're going to see her a lot at that bar, you'd rather be in that space. Yeah, because at first she was like, oh, it's such a great time. And then she's like, you know, I... I gotta be honest, I don't get it.

I don't get it. It's hilarious. Hey, how's your album doing? My comedy album? Yeah. I think it's doing all right. I need sidebar probably once we hit. I think it's doing well.

I think it's getting out there. What's the name of it again? It's called I'm glad you ask. The Pride of Cleveland. It's out now. Pride of Cleveland. On 800-pound gorilla records. It's stand-up.

And there's a bit of everything. There's stand-up. up and some sweet guitar solos and storytelling. Nice. The full Dave Hill experience. The full, yeah, everything. The outfits, it's all there. That's good.

Are you playing? What's that? No, go ahead. Oh, and weirdly, I know it's been getting played on Sirius a bit, which is great. And I didn't expect this because, you know, foul-mouthed, but it's on, they've been playing it on the Clean Channel, to Laugh USA. Oh, really? Yeah, which you wouldn't think because of my, you know, salty language.

But I- Is it salty in the album? Not all of it. Not all of it, no. So they found stuff. And there is, I realize about half of it is totally not, not dirty talk. Oh, that's good. That's good.

That's really good because they'll use it a lot because they don't have a lot of material for that channel. Yeah, I'm good because I can work clean. Yeah. And no one would know any different. Are you playing a lot of guitar while you're out there while you're noodling alone by yourself? Not as much as I would like, but I think I'm going to really work at it because I think it's the, now that I'm sort of, I think that we're going to be in this for a bit longer. I think I need to really do, I need to go run. running a lot, which I do anyway. And I need to do things that are like physical, which is running and ripping sweet guitar solos. But I have a couple right over here.

I have a couple of guitars that I brought. Oh, that's good. And then I brought them. Pardon? Good thing you brought them. I always bring my guitar everywhere, even when I'm not performing. Right.

Just because, like, I don't smoke pot and I don't play video games. And I figure that I need something to do. As best I can tell, everyone I know does one of those three things. To pass the time, you have to do one of those three things when you're all alone in a hotel. Right. You know, so I. What about writing? I've been writing a lot.

You've cranked out three books in the last, what, six years? Like, I think the first one came out in two, tasteful nudes. The first one came out in 2012, I think. And then, and then they have had a couple more since then. My paperback was parking the moose than the most recent one just came out last week, I think. You know, before we all got shut down, I called my agent and I said, you know, Dave Hill has written this amazing book that is a love letter to Canada. And Canada has always been good to me.

It's time for Dave and I to go up there and do some damage. Oh, did you? We got to do that. I know, I know. And then everything got put on pause, so we're not able to do it yet. But think about that. Think about the adventures in Martini adventures we would have going through Canada. I know that we'll be, we'll be like, the show will be over and then we'll just like, we'll be going back.

We'll go. It's like, oh, my God, it's so cold. Oh, how are we going to warm up? And then we get our martinis. And it'll happen every night. It'll happen in Winnipeg. It'll happen in Sioux St. Marie. It'll happen in Halifax.

Oh, my gosh. That's amazing. 2021. We'll do it in 2021. Yeah, absolutely. We've got to do it. You just went this past weekend. you're the first comedian that I know who has gotten on the plane and done shows.

Yeah. How was that? I went to do it. I felt like I had to do it. I felt like one of us had to go do it. Well, you and D.L. Hughley are the only two that I know of. And only one walked out on his own power.

I know. And I saw that. And I was like, Tom, I have to. I'm like, I immediately began scouring your social media. to make sure you hadn't keeled over. I purposely, this is, this is what a great friend I am, Tom. I purposely did not bother you while you were out there because I realized everyone is probably bothering him about,

hey, what's it like at the airport? And I was like, I'm going to be the guy. I'm not going to ask him later. Yeah, there were a lot of, there were a lot of questions. There was a lot of what was it like? what was the what was how did it go did you feel weird what was the performing like yeah people wanted to know for sure did you have the microphone like two feet away from your face no they gave me my own microphone i had my own microphone the opening act had his own microphone and they kept them

separated and so i had one mic the whole weekend but you didn't wear a bandana over your face did you nope neither did the audience um that's probably I don't know. I have no medical opinion on this. Half capacity, spread them out, high ceilings, push back a little bit. It seemed safe. It seemed safe. Yeah. It seemed safe. Yeah. And they were doing all the right things, and they made me feel comfortable. But Utah is a different speed. They were opened up a little more than I've been used to, so it was a little jarring at first. The only uncomfortable part was being at the airport waiting to board the flight.

which is normally a bad experience because you're just smushed with all these people who don't know how to behave. And there was a lot of those like pulling their mask down. And at one point I was sitting there and it was like, I don't know, 15 people around me, half of them had their mask. I saw the video that you posted on Instagram and I was horrified that I immediately, like throughout this, I've had a return vehicle. on reserve to go back to New York, like, and I just keep pushing it back. And I saw that Instagram post and I pushed it back like two months. I was like, forget it. No way.

Yeah, they don't know how to act. New York is now one of the safe spots, though. They just issued a thing that they're, if you come from one of the bad states, they're going to make you quarantine because they've got their act together. I know. I mean, New York, I think if I had not left. New York, temporarily, I should stress, because I realize there's people that just fled and got rid of their apartments. And I'm, I intended, I will die at 90, whatever, in New York.

Right. And if we hadn't left, I would, I would think I would be fine being there now. But hearing how it is, I'm sort of like, I don't really want to rush back to that. Yeah. And, you know, we moving in towards August, it's, which is, always a rough time in New York anyway. I don't know. I don't know. I can't help you with that decision. I would imagine you're missing it immensely and want to be there. I just want to, all my hardcore New York friends, except for my brother-in-law and our buddy Tim and Marie, they're the only ones that are sticking it out. Everybody else I know who, you know, are hardcore like you all split they all were like this is getting too intense i got to get out of here

it was i mean we weren't going to leave and then it was like my because i thought it was like an irresponsible thing i was like what am i just going to bring take my disease riddled body somewhere else which is what ever which is what initially happened everyone like ran went upstate into the hamptons and yeah you know got everyone sick out there but then i I was talking to my brother who works in medicine, and he was like, I would, I would just get out of there and then quarantine for a couple weeks. So we did. Right. Like literally no human interaction from the time we left the rental place to two weeks after that.

And then, anyway. Yeah. Coronavirus. But man, when if we get, yeah, I know, enough already. Just enough. I know. Someone's got to fix this. It's going to be, it's going to, it's the new not to.

diminish anything, but it's the new people talking about 9-11. We'll be talking about coronavirus. Yeah, I know. Maybe. It was so gross. 9-11 was like this big thing, and you were almost like a hero for surviving it while you were in New York. This one's just like, bleh.

Well, that's sort of like, oh, like, I feel like, am I letting down New York leaving? And my brother was like, he was like, no, you're being one less germy person. and walking around being germy. So he's like, actually, if you really love New York, get the fuck out of there. Right. Yeah, he's right. And then like, yeah, right after that,

there's like a mobile morgue like block from my apartment. Yeah, you don't need to see that. I don't need it. And now you're banging around the Cleveland area. And right? I'm like 50 miles east of Cleveland in this tiny, tiny little town. not in maybe not I'm like 50 minutes

45 minutes and it's pretty much it's this tiny little town where you would pretty much have no idea there was the pandemic going on unless you saw me going to doing something with a mask on

yeah like I mean I admittedly like you can't you'd have to really try to run and come anywhere near a person so I yeah I have it with me me, but I go running and biking without it because I literally will not see another human being. Right. But as we're talking, though, there's a road. And I could probably throw a rock if the windows were open.

There weren't other obstructions. There's people just partying, drinking bud light at a bar like right over there. Oh, really? Nothing's going on. Yeah, totally. Wow. That's got to be kind of nice. though. Can't you embrace that? No. I'm not going to know why it sounds like they don't have it there.

Yeah, it sounds that way, but no, I'm not giving in to any of it. The more fun I see people having, the more I'm going to completely isolate myself. I know. It's so funny to me, the dumb things that people want to get back to doing. Like when they show that that picture of people in a pool with other adults just jammed in there drinking at like pool bars yeah in the Ozarks it's like of all the things that you're dying to get out of your house to do that's you you that's what you're dying to get back to oh my god grown-ups pee drinking beer in the hot sun oh no the only honestly the only thing i want like i want to get back to performing and touring and this and that and working and then the only other thing I can think of is I want to go to jeans. I know, exactly.

I'm like, I want to sit with like one or two other friends and have a martini. And that's all, and it has some garlic bread. And that's really all I'm after. I don't want to go to a pool party. No. No, a pool party. My God. I know.

Or a mall. Like, there are certain things that should be corrected. You know, I keep saying like, Mardi Gras. It's like, Mardi Gras is great. I'm sure it was really amazing in like 1972. But now, it's just so, like a million people just

jammed into this tiny space. That's not the way anything should be. Some of these things got too big and too dumb and too out of control. And, you know, I don't know. It's simple. My fantasy is similar to the jeans one, but mine is an abstract restaurant bar.

But I just see myself at a table with a clean, crisp white tablecloth, uh, dressed nicely with an ice cold martini, the only thing on the table. That's, that's,

that's, what you've just described is the jeans dining room as opposed to the bar area. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, but I don't want to hang it just on jeans. I'll take it anywhere.

Yeah, yeah. If you get it down the street, I'm, I'm, I'm going to go, I'm going to go grab it there. Yeah. So what are you eating when you're there? Now, Cleveland is a, Ohio is a, you know, it's a big mix of Germanic heritage. There's, you know, that meat and potatoes, Polish influence, pierogi, laden countryside.

Is that, does that, is that the family that you're staying with? And is that the food that you're getting on the outside? I did buy a giant bag of parogis just in like the early stages of where I still don't like to go to the grocery store. But in the, I don't know if you did this, but I was just such a so panicked to go to the grocery store the first few times. I was just like everyone here is trying to kill me and I need to get out of here. And in that I grabbed like a giant bag of parogies. And I think we're almost done with them. But no, I've been eating, yeah, a lot of things like ravioli, things that I certainly eat, but like maybe once or twice a year I now have every day.

Right, exactly. Why is that? Who's making that? My girlfriend and her mom. It's just, I mean, that specifically is largely because I just go to the grocery store and I don't know what food. I don't recognize food unless I can picture it on a. plate already. So I buy things like ravioli and parogi. Like for me to look at ingredients that will add up to a meal, that's too abstract for me to go like, oh, if you bought those potatoes

over there and then you bought some asparagus and you bought some chicken breast and you, like, that's, I'm too, I'm an idiot basically. So I just buy ready things you boil. So what makes you, So what makes you have this desire then to try and bake bread? Oh, because I feel like ultimately we're only after one object there. We're the loaf of bread as opposed to like baking five different things. I like my brain can handle that because I'm like, there's a bunch of stuff. And I get nervous looking at your Instagram because I see like, Like there's sour dough, which seems like a little advance for me as best I can tell because

there's some overnight aspect to it. That scares me, frankly. Yeah. So maybe that's not an out-of-the-gate bread. But I like the idea of like when you see the big loaf and then there's like a letter or something slashed across it that looks cool. Yeah. nice country loaf with a design on top.

Yeah, and you could like, and then you just cut it and eat it with butter. It seems like I feel like it's within my realm. It is the best. I have a feeling I'm a little hesitant to teach you because I'm getting the sense that you're going to be there for a while. I'm getting a sense that you don't like to go out very much. I'm also getting a sense that if I were to teach you how to do this bread, there's a really good chance. You're not going to fit in that

jumpsuit. That's a concern. That's a concern. But I do have, as I said, I have a few garments here that I can put, if I can put them on, then I know everything's okay.

And if I can't, then I know, hey, get it together. So are you really thinking a couple months more? Like, get through the summer, like maybe September? I think probably, I think, you know, unless, unless like, you know, I just, New York to me is you go there and you interact with people. Yeah. And you're not avoiding people.

Yeah. That's the whole thing of being in New York. So like, if there's, as long as there's an aspect of, first of all, not being able to work at all. like and then being suspicious of every human I come in contact with and all that doesn't sound like a good time I don't I'm not

I figure I have you know I'll probably be alive for a few more decades and if this is just a few more months away from the greatest city on earth help that's all you know yeah but I'm kind of thinking like I don't know, I'm hearing like Dr. Foussi.

Am I saying that right? Fauci. Fauci. Fauci. And some other Howard Stern's doctors. I can't remember his name. They're all saying like they think there will be a vaccine this year. Yeah, by the end of the year.

I know. I'm hanging my hat on that one too. Yeah. So then I'm like, okay. So I'll go, I'll get super ripped. I'll bake a lot of bread. Yeah. Which is not conducive to getting super ripped, eating a lot of bread.

You can. Especially the one I'm going to teach you how to make. Yeah. Okay. It's not bad for you. It's not bad for you. And then we meet up on New Year's Eve. Oh, how great would that be?

That would be amazing. And I actually, not to tell tales out of, I don't know. Is it telling tales out of school if you're talking about your own horrible behavior? I don't know. I don't think so. You don't want people to hear it or not. You know, whatever, I'm a human being. I showed up.

I was going to say I got really drunk at your New Year's gathering, but I showed up really drunk to your New Year's. I was already very drunk when I got there. It wasn't like, oh, I was overserved. No. I was drunk several hours before I showed up to your New Year's. So I was actually thinking about that very idea of like, oh, that could maybe happen again. And how great would that be is that is the end of this and also a chance to maybe show that I can be a grownup at Tom's party.

As I feel like in years past, I have been a grownup, but I failed this year. I think that's quite all right. I think the kids still tell the story of, oh, you mean that man who tried to take his pants off as the ball was coming down? Oh, my goodness. It was great. But you were a happy drunk. You're a mellow drunk.

But you were hammered. I was, yeah. I was reduced to a pre-verbal man or post-verbal, whatever. It was like half-verbal. You'd be like, you know what I think we should. I somehow have memories of walking the 40 blocks back to my apartment, which is only like three or four blocks away. And where you're so drunk,

and I have not been this drunk in many, many years, where my knees were like locking up on me because I would step too far ahead to not be able to like walk. And I'd be like, oh, my knees. lost. There was concern. There was a certain point, like an hour after you left,

someone said, did anyone walk him home? I was like, no, I'm sure he made it. My guardian angel walked me home. Yeah.

Oh, man. Well, I hope this all rushes, rushes along and we can get back to jeans. That would end to live shows at the comedy cellar and sit up and have a nice ice cold, Martini. Yeah, all those things. But I have to say, let's keep up the other aspect of it, which is, you know, you open my mind with the garlic olives. And, you know, if there's any other innovations that come up over the next couple of months. I have a few tricks that let's leave. Okay. I don't know if I have it, you know, I did buy a, do you know the cure drink? It's basically white wine and blackberry liqueur. It's like a French appareteeth. No.

I wouldn't like rush out the door to do this, but you know, you might try that one night. What's the name of it? It's just a cure, K-I-R. K-I-R. It's blackberry liqueur and white wine. It's a bit dainty. Yeah. But it makes up for it in glamour.

So you're like, you're like the sophistication. that's rubbing off on me by having that does not it makes up for the fact that I'm having kind kind of a dainty sweet little drink right now that's the one thing I've really missed and I was actually thinking of doing it at the house because the only place that we are drinking is um putting on a nice crisp suit and tie and coming up for cocktail hour oh yeah it's uh right just to dress like a like a real grown-up doing something in a really classy joint. Yeah. I don't know how the family would take it, but I bet I would feel pretty good about it.

I think you should do it. I mean, I'm, you know, as people that don't know me won't, this won't mean much, but I am out here. I have one scarf, one, you know, cravat, whatever you want to call it, and one brooch and one sport coat. So I have basically one. sophisticated look and one dainty look unless you count jumpsuits you're like the uh you're like the you're like the guys in new york are like 80 years old and they they're almost almost homeless you're

not sure if whether they live inside or out but they still dress in that one suit they have they still like tighten that tie and put in the cuff links and it looks all worn but they're still pulling it off Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're like, I think that that is a P stain, but I'm going to avert my, and it's not just a P stain. It's 40 years of P stains. Right. But he still cares enough to button up the buttons and look sharp. Yeah, that's basically, that's me. That's how we're going to go out. Well, thanks so much, Dave. I really appreciate this. having me. I'm going to get your address and fix up this martini. Oh, this is glorious. Yeah, this is no, this is no way to live. I thought we were dealing with a tragedy,

but I had no idea how far reaching. No, it's sad. All right, take care. All right, thanks a lot, Tom.