Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 82 - Kira Soltanovich #3

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

The great Kira Soltanovich returns to the table because she KNOWS things. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, it's our goal Hey, it's time for Breaking Bread with Papa Hey, don't you know Hey, it's also a show Hey! Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I am Tom Papa, thank you so much for joining us at the table today. We have an amazing return guest today.

One of my favorite people on the planet, Kira Soltonovich. She's so damn funny. She's such a delight. She's been on the program before. She's been on my radio show. We tour together. I just love her so much. And we're going to have an amazing conversation.

And I'm going to convince her that scones are not evil. We would like to thank the good people at Dadgrass. Dadgrass for sponsoring today's program. If you want to be the most chilled out person at the party, try Dadgrass. They sent me some. It's so cool. It comes looking like there's some tubes that have. these pre-rolled joints in it, and then they also have these boxes. They look like cigarette boxes

filled with dadgrass and mom grass. It's basically more CBD. It gives you the experience of smoking a joint, but you're not getting super high smoking a joint. Perfect for a dad. It gives you just this relaxed CBD feeling, but through smoking it. So dad grass, you're really, going to love it. You want to be the most chilled out person? Get some Dadgrass and they're offering 20% off your first order when you go to Dadgrass.com slash Papa. That's Dadgrass.com slash Papa, P-A-P-A. And you will get 20% off your first order. Give it a try. You'll relax. You won't be out of your mind. You'll enjoy it. I love Kira Soltanovich. I do. not love her attitude for with scones.

I just don't like it. She is a coffee snob. She should love scones. Everybody should love scones. Look, she says they're dry. She says that they're rock hard. She says that they're disgusting. I think that is a person who hasn't explored or enjoyed a good scone.

I wish I could have made my scones for her. there is a great recipe you can get it online you can buy her book sister pie out of Detroit she has a recipe for blueberry scones I'm so upset that I couldn't look I'm gonna have Kira back and I will give her one of our scones but I've made these I think I've talked about them before I must have because they're so amazing it's a good scone for Kira to just walk around with her anti-Skoan attitude because she's probably, you know, at a chain coffee place and got one in a bag and was all upset. A nice scone, a nice little crunch to the outside.

And inside, you can't have a pastry that is based on butter, cold butter that is going to expand when you bake. it and adding in blueberries, which are moist, and having those explode in the baking process, and come away with something that's going to be dry and inedible. Kira's also a psychic, I just found out, and she probably knows I'm already saying this about her, so it won't be a surprise when we get to her. But I love Kira Soltanovitch. She's so damn funny. Go to find her on social media, find her on YouTube.

her stand-up is amazing. And let's see if we can't change her idea of scones. It's the holidays. She should wake up. Enjoy. You're going to toot? Wait, we can go. No, no.

I knew that's why. You don't want to talk about that. Of course I can, but I knew that's why. That's not why. Of course it is. It is not because of... I'm totally cool not talking about it. No, we totally can.

Whatever you want to talk about. Really? I love you. Because I didn't know, I didn't know... I didn't know if that was... off limits because I used to have a podcast about it. Oh, you did? Yes. I didn't know that. Oh my God. You sold it to Spotify for how much? 20 cents. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, then we'll circle back to that. I just thought it was a secret because we've been friends for a long time and you never said a word

about your psychic abilities. There's so many things that I haven't told you. Yeah, that was a weird comment that you would you say? I said, I thought I knew everything about you. And you said, most men do. Most men think they know everything. Right. And they know nothing. I mean, nothing is also a little extreme. They know much less than they think they know. I assume I don't know that much. You're different. I assume I don't. I don't. know and I don't care. But that's that's your brand. You wear the sweater and the collared shirt like you're going to give someone a home loan.

Right. And then you don't know even how escrow works. Do you see what I'm saying? No. You dress the part of the way. That was a long way to go just to shit on my sweater and my collar because it didn't really make sense. Can I touch your sweater? I guarantee you it costs more.

than my life. Oh, yes. Right. Yeah. So it's not a, I'm not shitting on it. It's,

it's my jealousy coming through a joke layered and bitterness. Right. Still makes no sense. I like your stars. Thanks. And I did not wear this. I wasn't mocking them. I wasn't trying to say you're at the ceiling of a college dorm room.

I didn't say that at all. College or an eight year old's bedroom. Yes. I tried to get these, by the way, for my kid. Yeah. And we put them all up.

You know, you do like the solar system on the thing. There's planets, there's stars. And there's like a comet. And he was like, this, I cannot sleep. I cannot sleep. This is giving me nightmares. And also because he has a bunk bed. Yeah.

So he's really close. And it's in his face. Yeah. There's like stickers right here. Now, if you had a 16-year-old that was doing that on their own and also burning sage in their room. Yeah. With crystals and things, would you think weed or would you think not necessarily?

I would think if there's crystals and sage that they listen to Mommy all these years. Listen to Mommy. That you would. Right. I saged our new house before we moved in. You did. Of course I did. Does there have to be sage once a week?

No. There's a lot of sage going on in there. No, no, you just sage it. You just sage. Uh-huh. One time is fine. or if you feel like there's some bad energy, you can sage again. Okay.

So maybe she's doing it because there's weed in there? Probably. But here's one thing I did not know, because I'm like on board with all this stuff. Yes. As am I for the record. Are you really? Yes. You like crystals?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I had a crystal when I was in college, I went and I got a crystal and in New Hope. Pennsylvania. It was just like this little spiritual place. And I got this crystal and it stayed with me forever. It was like I had it when I was in theater and stuff and I, and it like, I'm doing this because actually the shape of it fit the curve of my thumb and I would just kind of hold it. And I just felt like this was a, it just had some power to it. See? Kira, I had it all the way up until about two months ago. And it has left me.

It was one of those things where it kept coming around. I was like, didn't like, I wasn't so precious with it. I wasn't like hold on to this thing, but it never left. It was always, it would always come back. It was always like in a bag. It was always here. It was always there. This is, you know, 30 years later and I, it's gone.

Maybe it's not gone. I know. I keep waiting. It might show up again. Yeah, I think that too. But see, I didn't know that about you either. So we're learning new stuff about each other. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. See, why don't you talk? about crystals. I think you know everything. I, for sure. Hey, people don't even know. Okay, so I had a podcast. Okay.

With Karen Rantowski, who everyone in the world knows. Like, that's her brand. She has a website about tarot cards. Okay. Like, everyone knows Karen does tarot. But Karen does vegan. And she is a Reiki master. And she has a demonologist on speed dial.

That's just who she is, right? Okay, so by the way, she has an amazing dog whisperer. It's a dog psychic. So she'll call her dog psychic to say like, what's going on? He hasn't been eating lately. And the dog's psychic will talk to the dog. On the phone? On the phone.

And tell Karen what the dog says. No. She holds the phone up to the dog. Speaker phone. Don't be silly. Now you're just being ridiculous. She puts a little earbuds in the dog's ears. So I happen to tell Karen.

Aaron was there. I happened to tell Karen on a podcast a long, long, long, long time ago. I dabble. I'm a Russian gypsy. Right. You know, I've thrown some chicken bones against a wall and kind of, you know, seen what direction the world's going in. And from there, Karen and I had a podcast where I do a reading.

She does tarot. It's comics. Sometimes we had actors on, mostly standards. And we do readings for people. Wow. But it's so it's not a, it's not a secret. It was never a secret. I had a, you know, I paid Libson.

How long did you do the podcast for it? I just didn't know it. I mean, you and I have been friends for a long time and it never came up. I mean, I knew that you were somewhat spiritual and you, I got that, but I never got like, I can tell your future. It's not like I can tell your future. I mean, I, do you think I want, do you think I want this power? I don't, I never wanted this.

I never wanted this because most of the world is like, you weirdo, burn her. You know what I mean? Like it's most of the world thinks that anyone with any kind of, any just like grasp of anything that's, it's not even, unexplainable. Unexplainable. Yes. Look, Michael Jordan is unexplainable, right? Yes.

How does a human being fly through the air like that? It's unexplainable. Have you ever made a basket in your life? Have you ever played basketball? Sure. Sure. Okay. Most people in the world are like you when it comes to any kind of like empath ability

or any kind of psychic ability or just an energy, a feeling of energy. They are what you are to playing basketball. And then there are people who practice every day or who are so in tune or have like the raw talent. And they are someone who is more advanced. But people look at them like charlatans. Because you can't sell tickets and wear their jerseys. Well, also the problem is there has been, there have been people that have used this realm and exploited it and been busted. 100%.

Right. And they've been busted. Like there were, you know, some of those TV ones that talk to the dead. And then you find out these things that they're, you know, that they're scamming and people on their staff were, you know. So there's, because it's because even if you have, even if you're tuned in, even if you're, even if you, you think things and they happen or you dream things and see them and you have this kind of ability or you're just kind of in that realm there you even if you are pretty dialed in you can't really harness it completely it's it's a slippery thing 100% but I'm telling you right

now good comics think of your top 10 think of them I'm I'm sure I'm not on there but doesn't matter but think of your top 10 comics you don't think that they have some sort of ability to read energy and to, it's not psychic, like the lottery numbers, you know what I mean? It's not that, that's not what psychic is. It's the ability to fine-tune your reading of, of a joke, of the cadence, of the way you say. That takes a skill, because there are a trillion comics in the world trying to make it, and really there are not that many that are really in the upper echelons because they're tuned in. You don't think that Bill Burr is tuned in.

He might not even be aware of it, but psychically, he is tuned in. Dude. Deb, that, that women, children. You know, so that's, that's a psychic ability, but we can't label it as that because then it's, you, you want to be on Dionne Warwick show. And you want to cheat me out of all my money for $2.99 a minute. But that's why I don't really talk about it. So what is your go-to? Is it tarot?

No. No. You don't do those things. It's really truly like... Just feeling that. Right, right, right. When I was a kid, I knew that something was up. Uh-huh.

I had no idea what it was. Right. Didn't really look into it. Uh-huh. Right? Because you're just a kid. You're just... Like what?

Like what made you aware of that? I would I loved hanging out with adults okay so I was the kid who could shut up and listen right and I could just like my kids cannot hang out with adults they're just like they're flipping tables over they're you know farting and picking their nose and then that's it like they don't know how to just sit and I would just blend into a room and I would listen to them talk and I would kind of like absorb their you know conversations I loved it I loved it and then I would uh you know they would let's say my parents had a dinner party and they would leave the The Russians would leave the house.

And then I would say to my mom or my dad, you know, Faina and Vladimir, I can really see them moving to another country. I don't know why. Why would a kid say that? I'm like, okay, I get it. Like, you can see them. All right. Like, you also believe that everything that happens to the roadrunner is real. Great, you're a kid.

Who cares? Yeah. And then weeks later, they would say, we're moving. We're getting up. and we're leaving out of nowhere. You know, and things like that would happen. And my parents were like, not allowed to hang out with us anymore.

You're spookey. You're spooky. Yeah, you're spooky. And so I suppressed it and suppressed it. And then here's what happened in my early 20s. Right. I went on one of those booze cruises, like from L.A. to Ensenada. Yeah.

Didn't want to go. Because you know how I love to booze it up. Yeah. I was like, fine, I'll go. My friends convinced me. We all went down there. I'd never been on a cruise before. We come back.

and we're stuck. This is years and years and years ago. So we're stuck and they won't let us off the ship before smartphones where you could just bury your head. Right, right. We're sitting there. We have to talk to each other. Remember when that was a thing?

And we had to like, you know, sit and chat and bored out of our minds. And I just happened to say, well, I could give you guys a reading. And they were like, what? And these are girls that have known me since I was five. I'm like, what are you talking about? I go, is how I felt. Yeah, I go. It's something I can do.

Let's just do it. We got to kill time. So I gave my friend Lisa a reading. And what does that mean? It's not tarot. No, it's not tarot. It's really just me. Have you ever had someone massage you?

Yes. And they go, oh, wow, you have a lot of tension. Oh, do you work with your hands? Oh, do you have a baby? I got a massage after I had my first baby. Yeah. And I didn't even tell the masseuse and they were like, do you have a baby? Do you have a newborn?

The area where you have to do the rocking bullshit it for 100 hours is very tight and I don't see that unless people have a baby. So it's that. Like I just kind of tune into people. So I told my friend Lisa, I said, hey, listen, you're going to get like your mom's whole life story soon. So you need to connect with your mom in a way that you've never connected. You're going to have to like really sit down and talk to her, like see that she's a human.

Okay. Random thing to say. Yeah. And then I also told her, you got something grown in your uterus. What? Just, so maybe like six months later, Lisa calls me and she's like, I'm in Hawaii. That's where she grew up. And my mom's in the hospital.

She's going to be fine, but I've been sitting by her bed for like 10 hours straight. Right. And she told me her whole life story. And I just want to let you know, do you remember on that ship, that booze cruise? Yeah. And I had completely forgotten because I don't, why would I keep track of your bullshit? And I go, oh, did I sit? She's like, yeah, you told me I would sit down and learn about my mom.

mom's whole life story. And I had no idea she was a human. Like she was a person. Right. But before me, she actually had a pretty interesting life. And then she was like, so what I did while I was here in Hawaii, I went to my old OBGYN and they pulled a thing out of my uterus. Really?

Yeah. So after that, I was like, hmm, great. And she just, like, she was like, you got to do this for people. Right. I never would have gone randomly. Right. You know, I would have waited years because we put stuff off and all that. Yeah.

Anyway, so that's the story of why I thought, all right. Right. All right. Well, this makes sense. I mean, when it was when Fielding was on the podcast and she, I think she said maybe off the, I don't know. Maybe it was on air. Maybe it was off. I forget.

But I was like, it totally makes sense because I'm open to all that stuff. My mother was very much like, we had this thing where, you know, unspoken communication kind of a thing. Yeah, right. And, you know, you would, she'd be sitting there thinking something about, you know, her father, whatever. And I'd be like, so what's up with grandpa? You know, like those kind of things were always.

And but that is a very, there is a, and it's interesting, you bring it up in, in the sense of being very observant and stuff as a child. This is also an artist path. This is, artists have this open. antenna for the universe and they see things, not see things, but they're observing things. They're bringing in all this empathy and energy from people, and that's what makes them able to relate and be good actors,

be good writers, be good comics. Okay, you know, I love crowdwork. I love crowdwork because I am feeling something from, you know, it doesn't always work, obviously, but I just love to do it. I do too. You know, there are, and that's, Todd, Barry doesn't know it, but he's psychic. He just doesn't know it. I had a thing last night where I was at Largo and I said to these people, I said, you know, and you're going to get married and

you don't understand that in 20 years, this guy is going to want to go into the garage and paint birdhouses and not be with you anymore. And I was just saying it kind of generally like over in this area. And I saw this woman hit her husband. And I said, why did you just hit your husband? And she said, because he started painting birdhouses. I said, when? She said, like a year ago. I said, and how long have you been married?

She said, 20 years. That's exactly. And I said to them, I said, this does not show that I'm psychic. This is just what marriage is and this is where we all end up. But the fact that you said that with such, I mean, that's very specific. Right. My husband has a hobby room.

We haven't been married 20 years. Right. How long have you been married? Fully together, 18. 18. So it's close adjacent. Yeah. And he's painting, um, not birdhouses, but,

models. Star Trek models. Dungeons and Dragons little figurines. Right. Yeah, you don't see that coming. Okay. Yeah. And I'm like, that's fine.

Do what makes you happy. We have. tons all of a sudden all these paints. What? This is literally what I've been speaking about. It's like the thing like when you were dating, you couldn't see that he would be doing it because he didn't know he was going to be doing that. No.

He had no idea that he was going to be looking at something at some point, 18 years later and see a little thing of paints and think, yeah, I got to get those. I'm going to need some brushes and I'm going to need a little wizard. and I've, and some alone time. And he says it's because he wants to teach our 10 year old, like to play and to, you know, be nerdy. No. I mean, yes. I mean, maybe.

Part of it. But there's also, there's another part. Yeah. And you know what? That's what marriage is. Yeah. Marriage is letting go of, you know, 69ing when you were singing, you know, when you guys were dating. Right.

Now painting figurines. I mean. You know, you just have to let those things go. And you have to evolve or devolve. You have to evolve. You have to lower your expectations. Lower them so low, so low. But here's the thing.

What are you going to do? Start over with someone new. Oh, I know. Could you imagine? It would be a nightmare. From the beginning of like, who are your friends? What's your mom like? What was fifth grade like for you?

It was like everybody else. Let's just get to paying bills together. I would not be able to do this. No. To reboot completely. People that do that, it's like, whoof. I can't, yeah, because you're not, you're not, the fantasy is you're just, you're going to just be with someone new and completely separate.

No, you're adding on, you're doubling down. Yes. Because I'm still going to talk to the guy who's painting. the figurines. God, if you have kids. With the kids. And I'm, so now I'm actually, I'm actually franchising now. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to do that.

And I'm going to open another shop. Yeah. Down the street. And hope this one takes off. Yeah, right. And it's going to be the same headaches. Eventually, you're just going to be looking at the books and going, oh, all right.

So now I've got twice the amount. Now, now that guy is painting stuff as well in his. And everywhere you go, there you are. are. Maybe you're the problem. Yeah. And now you're just having another, like you're just creating more problems. I say in my act and I don't, and it's, and I, and people laugh, so I'm keeping it in kind of, but I'm not really kidding.

It's, I say that I'm not going to attack marriage. And I think it really is a great thing and it calms down your life. And it's this great thing if you can find the right person and, and lower your expectations of what you're going to get out of life. And people all laugh like, oh, that's so funny that you're kind of like shitting on marriage. But I'm not. I'm really not. I'm like, no, it's lower your stupid young expectations of this is going to be like a party

and everything emotionally I'm going to get from the world is going to come from this one person. No, you moron. No. No. And you know what? In your husband's defense, he's not, every time he's painting, every time he gets a new figure, and pains, that's less pressure on you. That's less, I need

here to make me whole and make me happy. He's realized no, she gives me all of this, but then also I need some joy and I'm going to take it from this because she's busy now. You know, we're in the middle of

remodeling a bathroom. How funny would we get if you guys. I thought you were going to go, we're right in the middle of a divorce. Maybe. After the bathroom, we'll see. see because we're now doing the picking out stuff you know when you gotta go and be like well what tile do you like well i don't want country chic i want modern slick right of course you do of course right so like we're in the middle of doing all the bathroom stuff and so yesterday we were at home depot

and he goes and he picks something i go um he goes well do you think this will look good after 15 years and i go do you think you'll look good after 15 years no it probably will look look 15 years old. Right. And you will too. Like, we're going to age with our bathroom. Right. The good thing is, in 15 years, you won't even see well.

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Oh, what? Well, first of all, you wanted stevia, which I didn't know was a thing. Yep. It is a very popular thing. All they had was sugar in the raw, sweet and low in this slender stuff. Splenda. awful. And you wanted, but what is stevia? Stevia is from the stevia plant.

So it's still sugar and it's still sweet. So it's not like a fake nutritious? No. No. No, no, no, no. Oh, okay. It can be if you get like a cheap stevia, they'll like mix it with some. But it's a sweetener.

So it's like a less potent sugar? It's just, it does less of like the, like raise up your, and then crash down. It's just a little bit more even keeled. Okay. Yeah. Think of it as like the, you know, the edibles of sugar. Oh, okay. Where it's just kind of like you're just enjoying it in a different way.

Right. Not the high octane. You don't get a high, yeah. Got it. the other thing that might be wrong with it is they put half and half in it because I said with cream heavy cream yeah heavy cream and

and she said is it okay and I said sure because I didn't know if there was a difference is there? Most men don't know that there is yeah because you drink it black like a man no here's the thing I do heavy cream because I'm not scared of

Fat. Fat is not bad for you. Right. So I do as much fat as I can. And is half and half heavy cream? No. Is that why it's half milk? Is that why it's not as good? It's fine. It's all right. It's okay. Look, I'm a little bit. I want you to be happy. Okay. I'm a coffee whore. Yes. Meaning I will drink your, you know, gasoline station coffee. I don't care. Right. But I'm also the same time. I'm a coffee snob. Right. You'll accept it. You'll go with it and you'll be like, oh, it's one of those. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm the same way. Yeah. What do you make at home? Okay. At home, I have organic coffee. So that's already like, I'm better than most people. Right.

And. Good morning. I'm great. I'm the best. We buy an organic coffee that's better for your, you know, stomach. It is. It is. It's not as acidic.

Okay. Okay. Mm-hmm. And then I'll make it with, you know, stevia, heavy cream. Or sometimes I'll do a bulletproof. Oh, you do the bulletproof. And that has butter. Butter.

Yeah. And why do we have that? Rogan had me drinking that for a bit. Yeah. Did you like it? Yeah, it was okay. It was actually not that great because he would give it to me on the podcast. And it's a three-hour podcast. And the whole objective doing his podcast, it's nothing to do with being funny or smart or having a good conversation.

It's how do I get through this without having to. pee. Oh, well. So he would give me this coffee. He doesn't let you take a break. Now you can because it's, but when we do it like live on YouTube, it would just roll, you couldn't get up and leave. Yeah. So I was like, the coffee is not the best thing to be having right now. But I liked it. It was tasty. Well, we do it, like we blend it up with MCT. MCT, which is, which is like a, like an coconut oil. Okay. It's like, yeah. And, brain food basically and then also two scoops of collagen and why the collagen my daughter's I see some jars of collagen in my pantry yeah for your skin skin hair nails just everything I don't know

maybe maybe it'll turn my pubs black I don't know what are they now oh it's frightening it's frightening no yeah yeah do you remember Frankenstein's wife it's fine. Look, I have a great personality. That's all that matters. So, I'm kidding. I don't have pubs, by the way. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Um, your collagen, I mean, your coffee. Yeah. The organic. Yeah. You have like a brand that you like that, like this is the best tasting one. I do. You do. Would you like me to plug them? Yeah, you can say it. They're not sending me any money. Well, maybe they'll catch up. They better. It's called life boost. Life boost. Yeah. Which sounds. I'm I know. I know. It's a terrible name. Yeah, that sounds like, it's awful. Yeah, it sounds like a, it sounds like a coffee they made in the 80s when we wore leg warmers. No, it sounds like a multi-level marketing coffee. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's terrible. Like they also sell cleaning supplies and also, yeah. Yeah, like, I agree. That's why I didn't want to say it. Yeah. But they have organically grown. And it's really great coffee. It's right. It's delicious. I like Verve coffee. Verve is good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Really good. I've heard of it.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Delicious. Where do they sell that? At the verve stores and the verves on lines. Okay. But I'll tell you right now, Nespresso is garbage.

I don't care if it's... I have that as the backup. Ah, garbage. I know. My daughter... Awful. Yeah. But we're not like,

there's not big coffee drinkers, so like to just throw one in and get a... Like, if my daughter just wants to make one quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, not the best. Nope. Nope. And.

But for that kind of thing, not the worst. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. So do you do a pour over? No. No. We have like a ninja.

We have the worst names for everything that goes into golf. Life boosted ninjas and bullets. We use the ninja. We use the bullet. We do use the bullet to blend it. The worst. Just like nothing. It's a lot going on.

No, no like, what's the word I'm looking for? when you brand something where it's like, where it's, it's, it's, there's nothing appetizing about it. Nothing evocative. Why do you want to make your food in a bullet? Right.

And boost your life. Coffee shouldn't come out of a ninja. Life boost. Yeah. No. Coffee should have a little bit of a, a little bit of a crunchy. Yeah.

Or like a soothing. Soothing. Yeah. Aromatic. Yes. There we go. That's why I like the Verve coffee because There's actually one, forget what the name of it is, but it's, and they have, they use three

tasting notes, bless you. They have three little tasting notes under, and it will be like, chocolate, blueberry pie, and something else. And you're like, well, that's good marketing. Really? And then you smell it, and you're like, I smell chocolate and blueberry pie. Like, they're so on point. Have you been to Phil's with a Z?

I have. I don't get it. I don't get it. Yeah. First time I went was in San Francisco where they started, I believe. And they have this one coffee shop in the south of market, which used to be when I was a kid. And you might remember, it was called China Basin. Uh-huh.

That was the down by the war. No, other side of the city. Other side of the city. Right. It's where the baseball field is now. Whatever they're calling it today, because they always changed the name. Packbell Park, let's just say. Right, yeah.

That area was called China Basin. Uh-huh. I didn't name it. Please don't send me letters. Like a China Town kind of a thing? Nope. Oh. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. It was factories. And it was just, it was not a fantastic place to hang out ever. Right. You should not be in China Basin unless you absolutely, you're a longshoreman or you're convicted and you're smuggling drugs off the bay.

No, no, it's not a pleasant. Farmer's market. Now it is. No, now it is. Now it's amazing and beautiful. And there's a fills. And I walked in there with my mom when they first opened. Uh-huh.

And you walk in and there's like a coffee concierge. years person who asks you about your childhood and then they send you to like a the bean you know mediumship where they talk about you know your ancestors and they give you this whole like experience I don't know if you if they still do that yeah but when they first opened that was really their thing like we're going to give you this coffee experience right and you wait in line over here and then they call you over right and then they talk to you about your feelings and then I was like this is I just want a cup of coffee yeah we are standing in China Basin I know you you've renamed it, but this is where dead hookers right below us, right below us are dead hookers.

And you're making it sound like I'm having some coffee, like out of body experience. Just pour me a cup of coffee. So they made it too much. And you can be too much. You can be too much for sure. You don't need to do all that. No. But there is a middle ground.

And it's not even a middle ground. It's still an upper middle ground where good coffee in a good place is. is kind of transformative. It's a much better experience than what you're going through right now with the coffee I gave you after I stopped and tried my best to give you something that you enjoyed. You really did.

And I'm going to double down. Oh, God, I don't even know what's in there. I said, do you have a scone? And they said, yes, we do. I said, I'm going to give it to my friend who hates scones. Oh, God. And she said, why does she hate scones?

And I said, because she says that all scones are always dry. And the woman, as she was, and she said, and she said, she's right. I agree with her. See? So I don't, I don't, I don't hold out much hope that this is going to be an example of, of a moist scone. And I, I was just on the road. I literally got home last night.

So I wanted to make you my scones, which would change your mind. But I don't think that that's going to happen. Oh, you wanted to. like Ted Lasso me? Yes. I was right, exactly. Okay, so here's the thing. You can feel it.

It's already hard. Even just the presentation of a scone, it looks like a mistake, like an accident. You know, like they were trying to make something else, and instead it came out looking like a lump, and they were like, all right, well, we still got to sell these. I'm going to take a bite because you are a friend. This is a chocolate chip scone. All right. Well, I make blueberry.

Okay. And I also was so out of my mind. Mm-hmm. I was in Whole Foods today this morning, and that's why I delayed it. And I got you bread. Oh. I got you bread and left it at my house. This is like the cinnamon challenge, remember?

When you had to do a two spoon of cinnamon, you hate it. Look at your face. Look. That's not so bad. I think you're wavering. It's not the worst. Mm-hmm. I see wavering a little bit.

It's like marriage. When you have a scone, just lower your expectation of what you're getting. Right. You're not getting a real treat. Right, which is kind of why I love scones. Sure. It's the doorstop of bakery. It's the stevia of pastries.

Oh, good for you for bringing that back around. Low burn. Slow burn. Not going to wall up you in the face. A little bit of a treat. I mean, it's not a treat. There's no treat in this. Yes, it really is.

Zero of this is a treat. This is more like, I'm going to stomach this. This is why, this is like what white people would like push down their feelings. I'm not going to talk about it. I'm going to push it down until one day I kill someone with a scone because I have suppressed so many of my scone emotions. It's fine. God bless you. You know what?

Look what you did with it. You took a bite and then you put it in the garbage. In the tray that I carried the coffee in that's now filled with stevia packets. You know what? This is why I'm not taking, I wasn't trying to change you with this. I hope you. I will one day. No.

I will. With your scones. With my scones. Oh boy. So they're more moist. Well, they're not doing scones right. It's a cookie. Who's they?

I'm talking about me. No, I'm saying. you're not doing it right. No, I am doing it right. If your scones are moist, then they're not a scone. Yes, it is. You've got to call it something else. No, because it'll have this light little crunch on the outside and then immediately

into the goodness. Oh, my God. You know what it feels like? You know when you were a kid and you'd swing at the playground and then you fell off the swing and you just went face first in the sand? And then you were like, ah, I got sand. And your mom like put water. Who am I kidding?

Our moms weren't there. Other kids were like putting water. Like you go to the. fountain. That's what this is like eating. Like you fell off the swing and you have a mouth full of sand. They're good. A little something. You know what's great? We should have this in our relationship, in our friendship.

This little like, you know, I'm a realist where scones are terrible and you live in the clouds. But that's the opposite because you are the psychic living in the clouds and I'm a little more on the realist part. but I'm not like when I give people a reading it's not all fairies and lotions and potions and like all flowers and no I'm pretty like straightforward is it kind of like when you when people declare with passion on radio shows about sports and they're like the charges are definitely going to win the charges are going to win I'm telling you they're going to blow out the Broncos this weekend and then they're wrong most of the time. Yeah. But they're never called out on the times that they were wrong. Oh, okay. I don't know if I, I don't know if that's a good analogy for me.

Because is there a shoe store analogy? Are you, are you? Is there a shopping analogy you could give me? Are you, do you ever hear about the times that you say they're going to grab something from your uterus and they say that never happened? Or do you feel like most of the things that you say are, you here are correct. Here's the thing, much like in life, right?

There's no real, like if you, we'll just use stand-up comedy. So you start as a comic, you're young and you're doing open mics. There's no real true timeline. It's not like, well, the first two, three years, you're just doing open mics. Then at year five, you'll do this. Then at year seven, you get your first TV break. Then at year 10, you know, there's no, it's very fluid and it's very like, sometimes you're up and then you're like, oh, I haven't worked in three years.

And then you're like, I got a TV show. Right. And then it got canceled. You know, like, it's very flowy. So you know what? Aaron. Everyone on the show knows about Aaron. No.

Oh, Aaron. You're, you're engineer. Aaron. Oh, yeah, Aaron. Aaron. Aaron. Aaron. Aaron.

Aaron. Aaron. Aaron. I did a reading for him. You did? He can tell you. He can? Yeah.

It was a long time ago. Was it, and what happened? I don't know. Brongard, do you remember? Did he say he was going to be doing Breaking Bread? with Tom Papa. No, but his wife, they were trying to have a baby for a long time. And I said, get your nuts checked.

Aaron, do you remember? What did I say in your reading? It was a long time ago. I mean, it was like probably four years ago. Right. Okay. Correct. I said he had stomach problems.

You said he had stomach problems. Yeah. And correct. You're going to have a child and it's going to be easy. But I said it's going to, I remember this part. I said it's going to take a few years and get your nuts checked. I remember saying get your nuts checked. Did you ever get your nuts checked?

He did. Yeah, he had to. Well, you didn't. Oh, interesting. So would you say, would you say that Kira was accurate? 50-50? You're going to listen to this guy? Well, it's, I mean, that's.

I can get out of your air. Get out of here, raising nuts. Scho nuts. A medical term. Skone nuts. Your sperm. is not producing the doctor's cut. You've got scones.

You've got scones. Yeah. Well, they're just dry and just poofy. That is, as I was saying that, I kind of felt like, well, that's kind of unfair, though, to say. And this is why people attack it and why people can knock it off. Yeah. It's because it's always a thing of how right were they? How right were they?

100%. Yeah. And guess what? Just like anything, there are terrible dental. Oh my gosh, I had a dentist 15 years ago remove all the mercury from my, you know, terrible childhood dentist. I had so much mercury in there. He removed it all. And I thought, yay, I'm doing the right thing.

And I'm making the healthy choice. I'm getting mercury. Just a few months ago, I went to another dentist. He's like, there's still mercury in there. And he pointed out to me, this is all mercury. That dentist did not do a good job. And then also, did you know they're supposed to wear like hazmat suits and have air filters and these big giant vacuum things?

For the mercury? When they remove mercury. Really? Everything in the room. should be like sealed and I mean, it's like intense. And that didn't happen when I got them removed 15 years ago. So that's what I mean. There are crappy mechanics and crappy dentists. And they're just people that are charlatans in every, everywhere you go. And yeah. And, you know, they could be also with good intent. Like there could be people sure that, you know, have their crystals

and are doing their thing and are trying and have a sense and a yearning. And they, called a couple things and they think that they're in tune, but you can't harness this kind of a thing. But also, you're not going to always be correct about everything because they're still like, the world still flows. It's fluid. Things change. You could make a left when you were supposed to make a right down the street and everything. I mean, you know, you could have dry nuts one day and then they're moist. You don't know. Like it's still, you still have choices to make. This is just the energy that I'm reading off of you today. Right.

At this time, tomorrow you could get a whole different reading. Right. It's not like. What is the, what is the general reading that you get from me that we've been friends for a while and stuff? I would have to touch you.

Like E.T. Not like this. I would have to like sit and I don't really like read your palms because I have no idea what the lines mean. Right. But I just kind of like, I have to kind of like, I have to kind of. to touch you. Not like in a bowling ball grip. Nothing nefarious. But I would have to like touch. I don't know if I'd be able to give you one right now. Unless you have a specific question you want to ask me.

No, I don't. You want to do it off air in case? In case you're like that. Just in case. All this touching. I do see you sweating with me in the near future. Oh, really? We're going to go back to the, uh, to the Banya. Let's go. Let's do it. I want to take you for your birthday to the one in L.A. There's a Russian banion in L.A. Did I tell you? Yes, but you also said it was like a $4,000 membership. Yeah, yeah. They changed their rules over COVID. Kira and I have gone to, we've only done it once, but it was, I feel like it was, it was, I feel like it's been multiple times because we went and we tell the story all the time. I wrote about it in my book. You did. And did you like the story? I did. It was good, right? Yeah. It was one thing. Uh-huh. No, you, someone sent me,

a clip, a fan of you on Rogan's podcast telling the story. And there was one thing that was not 100%. What was it? You made it sound like I wanted you to rip you, I wanted to rip your clothes off. No. You did. I did. Yes.

You were like, well, Kira wanted to go naked and I had to tell her, hey, hands off. Hands off. I know I've lowered my expectations. That was the energy I was getting from you on that day. Oh, is that you? You were trying to, you were like, yes. So I was like, that never happened. And I was listening to it with my husband in the car.

And I was like, that never happened. Didn't I write in the book that I don't know if I, if it, I thought I said that you tricked me. Like that everybody's going to be naked and I came out naked and everyone was in, and you and everybody else was in their bathing suits. Something like that. Something like that. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. I didn't want to call you out in front of all your fans. It was the opposite. Yeah, that I remember that joke of like you being like, yeah, that's the way you do it. Naked and then, ha, ha, you moron. Came out with your scone nuts. Yeah. That would be fun, though.

It would be fun to go do it again. It would be amazing. I didn't enjoy it. I just, there's nothing like it. What was amazing about it was that I was like, well, I don't want to just go to and sweat and get beaten with sticks. I want to massage. I want to feel better at the end of. this. And at the end, it was like, why would I need a massage? Everything's completely dissolved in my

nervous system. Remember those big buckets they pour on you afterwards? You're sitting on that crazy bench with everyone's ass juice. And they just pour these big buckets. And you're like, this is going to be hell. And then it's so great. It was so great. Because it's freezing. It's not freezing cold, but it was cold. It's cold. And then you're that dipping pool. And the pool. And you got to go into the that, yeah, that thing. Yeah, maybe we shouldn't do it. Are you scared? Are you totally scared? I wasn't scared.

You made me a little frightened at the, right when I was about to do it, you looked at me like, we should have had your heart checked. Yes. I did. I really did. I really felt like, am I liable here? Right. Exactly.

It was like, if I made a mistake? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you do for the holidays? Do you have a, this will be, this will air after Thanksgiving. Oh. But what do you? Well, then we had an amazing turkey.

Are the holidays? is a big thing in your house going from Thanksgiving through the new year? Yes. Yes. It is. My husband, here's some of his good qualities that I really like. He loves hockey. Oh, yeah. He loves to play. He loves, you know what I mean? Like, just get there and just like, yeah, I checked him, right? But he also loves Williams and Sonoma. Like, he really, like, he's like, my Brian came in, you know? I think I told you this on your, yes, on your birthday show. So he does a huge thing for Thanksgiving. Big, big. He cooks everything.

Nice. Everything. Like he really doesn't even want people. It's not a potluck. Right. You just come hungry. It's so funny. You say that because our mutual friend, Aaron Foley, is coming.

Yeah. And her sister and my wife called. I was on the road making my recipe list of like the shopping list that I need for Thanksgiving. And my wife called and is like, and remember, her sister brings the sweet potatoes and she's going to bring Brussels sprouts this year. Oh, okay. Oh. So I guess I'm not making my Brussels sprouts this year. All right, fine. Is that okay? Should I tell? No, it's okay. Like, it really was. Of course. I got a little insulted. Of course. No, he, he's very specific. And he's good? He's really good. That's good. He's really, really, like, I don't think people understand a turkey is, people just kind of throw them in their

ovens. Now there's like a dishwasher turkey. Have you heard of that? No. You put the turkey in this special sealed like plastic bin and then you put in the dishwasher and you put it on like, I don't know, extra dirty. On pot. It steams it. Oh, that's creepy. Yeah. But like he puts it in a bucket for two days beforehand with the brine and all the stuff. I don't even know half the stuff. It's amazing. That's why I moved our podcast this morning because I had to go pick up the turkey. You got to go brine. Yeah. I was worried that weren't going to be. Oh.

Like a scone brine? Yes. Just rub it with a scone. It's the scone of Thanksgiving. Oh, no. That just sounds so unpleasant. And you don't cook any of it? I do nothing.

Really? Cleaning duty? I do, I'll clean. I'll clean. I do nothing. It's pretty great. It's pretty great. Yeah, good for you.

But I'm not, I'll be honest. COVID did force me to learn to cook. better. Right. Right. And I'm much better. Right. I made a baked salmon last night that was fantastic. Nice. So I'm better. Right. But before COVID, I was just, I had three, four things that I knew how to make. And I just kept doing them every day. And is the house, a festive house? Yeah. Yeah. So we always bring in, we always try to find like a family that nobody else likes. who's been disinvited to wherever they were last year. Only kidding, Amy, if you're watching this, but our friends are invited. Yeah. And we always try to have someone, it used to be comics. It used to be like comics who don't have a place to go.

Yeah, strays. Strays. Like stray dogs. Orphans. So we'd always have like one or two comics over. And it was awkward for them. It was really, really uncomfortable. Because they were dropping.

Do you know Matt Christian? Yeah. He's British. So he doesn't care about Thanksgiving at all. Right. He's just sitting there and I was like, come on, Matt. Let's, you want to say the Thanksgiving prayer? Yeah.

I remember having a comic over once like that. And they were so single and so dysfunctional that it was, they left so upset, like just being around a family. Yeah. Like seeing how a family works and what that life is. it really like up against what they were doing at the time they kind of left like really sad. It can be overwhelming. Yeah.

Because everyone is, you know, doing their normal shouting that they do, but it might seem like it's aggressive, but it's just the normal. Put the napkins on the table. You know, it's just the normal stuff. It's just how we talk. It's just how we talk. But we always have, you know, my in-laws and my sister-in-law and. Oh, really?

So how many people? I don't know if COVID police are watching. There's just my husband and I. We're allowed to. Oh, okay. Good. Are we well together now? Maybe like 15. Yeah, that's about what we are.

Yeah. Yeah. My whole thing in my head is, while doing it, is get all of it done. And then there's some really great wine as the reward at the end, which I won't drink before. You'll screw up the timing of everything else. But once you get to that point where everyone's been served. Yes. And you open up a good wine.

And I'm like, all right, now we're good. And we're hoping for good weather. I mean, we have good weather now. That's going to be like 86. Oh, oh, good, good, good. Okay, because we have the kids table outside. Oh, that's smart.

Yes. Really smart. Sit. Yeah. Yeah. That's a key to sitting. Don't just, I don't get up and start cleaning. Like just wait.

Stretch it out as long as possible. A lot of work goes into these big events. It's like you should sit with it for a long time. And for the people hosting, remember to really. feign that like, no, no, don't clean up. You want them to when they do find the guests, you know? It's like, no, put that down, but you're a guest. Yeah.

You better load my goddamn dishwasher. Are you kidding? Move the turkey out of there. Yeah, exactly. And put some dishes in there. But people are always trying to find a weird way to make a turkey. Remember the deep fried turkey? I know. The deep fried thing and they were catching on fire.

Yeah. And they were like, it's a turkey donut. And they were covering it in batter. Just do the basic. It just takes a long time. It just got to throw it in there. Yeah. Yeah.

And he has all the stuff. Like, I have no patience for all the stuff. And you put the thermometer and you do the things. Yeah. I cannot stand it. I hate all of that. I hate all of it. I love it.

Yeah. See? That's good. Yeah. That's why you break your bread. Yeah. And that's why I know that I'm right about the scones. Thank you so much for being here. Yeah, my pleasure.

It was really fun. Iced coffee. You're the best. Thanks, Tom. I love you. I'm going to give you a reading when the cameras turn off. Ooh. We got it, Aaron.

All right, that's it. That's our big conversation with Kira. I don't think we moved her opinion at all on scones. But again, I just got her a store bought one. She didn't have to put it in the garbage. That was kind of rude. But I love Kira. Make sure you look her up on social media.

Thank you all the good people at Dadgrass. Hope you're enjoying your holiday season. Enjoy it. Eat some good stuff. Make some good stuff. And we'll see you next time.