Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 83 - Alonzo Bodden Returns

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

The great Alonzo Bodden returns to the table but leaves his Great Dane at home.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, it's time for Breaking Bread with Papa. Hey, don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I am Tom Papa. Thank you for joining us at the table. I just noticed that we have this bottle of wine that has been on our table for quite some time and we have not broken it open.

This one's a little too early, but I think it's, time we start breaking open some wine at the table. We'll get to that. Before the holiday goes, we're going to have some guests where we're going to crack this bad boy open. Today, we have Alonzo Bowden on the program. Alonzo Bowden is so damn funny. He was the very first guest here on Breaking Bread, and we're so excited to have him back. He's like family, and it's the holiday season. So let's bring Alonzo back and have a great conversation. He's always interesting, always funny. He's just one of our favorites. So we're going to have this great conversation with Alonzo.

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access to millions of millions of e-books, audiobooks, magazines, and more automated suggestions, hand-c curated picks made choosing your next book, making choosing your next book easier than ever. And it will help you talk too if you ever. If you ever get your own podcast. podcast. And we've got a deal. Go to try.com.com slash papa for your 60 day free trial. You can't lose. 60 free days if you try dot scribd.com slash papa. That is try dot scribd.com slash papa to get 60 days off scribbed for free. No more struggling to find your next thing to read when you've got scribbed in your corner. We would also like to thank the good people at Moink. Moink. We love Moinck. Moinck is the best bacon, the best steak, and the best chicken you'll ever eat,

and it won't come from a grocery store. You'll only find it on a family farm. That's why you need Moinkbox.com. Moinkbox.com. You can eat quality meat and support family farms. It's a win-win. go to moinkbox.com slash papa, that's P-A-P-A, and get a year of free bacon for free, and pick out what meat you want delivered with your first box. That's Moinkbox, M-O-I-N-K-B-O-X.com slash Papa, P-A-P-A, for a year of free bacon when you sign up. All right, we are deep into the holiday season. hope you're doing well, hope you're opening up your own bottles of wine, hope you're making some good things, hope you're going and sneaking over to people's homes who are making good stuff.

I'm noticing that there's a lot of chocolates showing up. A lot of chocolates all of a sudden seem to find their way into the house. I think the whole family starts to get a sense of it and these good chocolates start showing up. I got this amazing chocolate from Alaska, which was just insane. I don't remember the name because it was a it was like key bash or something like that but uh nothing wrong with having a little extra candy around it's not like the Halloween candy that you have hanging around the house uh you know fun whatever there seems to be a little bit of an elegance a little bit of a quality um to the candies and chocolates that you have during this holiday season hopefully you're you're enjoying it this year is going to be really a little more

special because last year we were eating good things and drinking good things but we were primarily alone i was looking at pictures of our celebration last year when we got to christmas eve and i didn't realize i mean we forget as you go through how we were all masked up we had shifts of people we were out on the back patio with winter jackets on i was talking to my parents the other day they were actually spent it like in the garage with my sisters, like looking at them through the window. You forget. I just had good memories of actually being able to celebrate last year,

but it was kind of fraught. And now this year we're able to actually gather and everybody's protected and we actually be inside. So the combination of having the good chocolates, having the good wine, having the good food with people actually inside and up close and personal, this is going to be definitely a much better, a much better. better season. So whatever you can do to treat yourself and your friends and family, I say, do it. All in. All in. This is my strategy. Go all in. We have friends coming over tonight, actually,

and we're going to crack open this really great wine from Sicily, Lato Mood. And we're going to, I know that we're going to go a little bit crazier than normal tonight. Not crazy, but, you know, we're going to eat and drink a little more than normal and then completely reverse the gears on the next couple of days when we don't have anything going on. And that's going to be my strategy. Pick your spots, go big, and then go very small in between. So we don't come out of this big chubsy-upsies. That's pretty much the whole goal. How much fun can you have without feeling like garbage at the end of it all. So I say go full on and then dial it way back. And it will make for a good time. Speaking of a good time, we have Alonzo Bowden right now. Alonzo is such a good guy. I'm very excited to

have him back on the program. He's got his own podcast on the All Things Comedy Network. He's a great stand-up. I'm sure you know Alonzo. But if you don't, look him up on YouTube and just check out his comedy. He's very relevant. He's always got a great social bent on things. We also, we have this kind of kinship where we would always do the Just for Laughs Festival in Canada together. And then we would also do Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me on NPR. And he's just, he's just one of my favorite people. And like I said, he was our first guest here on Breaking Bread and to have him back is a special, special treat. So enjoy now. A little time with family. with Alonzo Bowden.

Good to see you, Alonzo. Always of pleasure, Tom. Dude, I don't know if I'm just noticing this for the first time. We've known each other forever. I didn't know you had tattoos. Yeah. Actually... Are they new?

No. Well, this is the newest one. This one is... Nice. Two years old. And the same guy... Wow. This one, which is the jester.

This one is the jester as a judge. Oh, that's great. He has a sword and a scroll in his hands. So, you know, and then this one, this woman is, to me, it's time is running out because she's got a clock on her face. But anyway, the sad thing about this is the guy who did this. Yeah. A month after he did this one, 44 years old, aneurism. No.

Died four days later. So this is one of the last tattoos he did, which his wife really wanted a picture of it because she said, yeah. And that's crazy. He was going to do the, he was going to finish this arm. But as you can see, the theme. Oh, yeah. is all jokers and jesters. Nice.

That's great work. The same artist did these. Whoa. This was the first one. Oh, another jester. Because the jester, I always said, the jester was the only one who could speak truth to power. But if it wasn't funny, they chopped off his head. And I think that's the way stand-up should be, right?

You can say anything you want, but it has to be funny. Right. Or else there's penalty. Well, that's the hard. That's the tricky part is that some people don't, they don't, they're not going by that metric. Right. They just want to make a statement and be outrageous. Yeah.

And they forgot. Or the other side, the people that are judging it aren't taking it under the guise of humor. Right. Like I was thinking the other day, I was interviewing somebody. And it was, you know, comedians are always just trying to find the truth. Yeah. It doesn't mean necessarily that everybody's like, you know, going into these depths, but it is all the truth. It could be about your toothbrush.

It could be about politics. But they're getting to the essence of something that that, and that's why people say, oh, it's funny because it's true, because you've, you've uncovered something that everybody else is seeing all the time. And if that is what the job of comedy is, for people to come in and start criticizing and trying to hang people or cut their heads. off because they are shining the light on the truth. It doesn't mean that they're evil people. It just means that you don't like the truth. Well, yeah, you don't like the truth or, I mean, what we have now is they just jump to the conclusion. I call it trigger words, right? Like, I mean, the whole thing with Chappelle, right? Right. Half the critics didn't watch the special. Right. And I think that might even be a conservative number to say half. Yeah. They heard about it. Then they

heard a word, then they heard one joke taken from the whole thing, and then they decided, oh, Dave hates trans people. Really? Right. Because if you had watched that, he was very careful so many times, not careful, he was just saying, I love you, I love you, I'm part of you, or Paul, like he was, he kept reiterating that fact. And to me, at the end of it, when he told the story about the trans comic his friend in San Francisco, that explained his opinion. That was like, yeah, this was the moment where I, you know, I think epiphany might be too strong a word, but where he saw like, oh, okay, I get it. Yeah. So now, and, and you know, once you get it, you can make fun of it, right? Right. Once you're part of it. But what you said, yeah, that, I mean,

they don't like the truth. They don't want to hear it. Or they've already got their mind made. up so it really doesn't matter what you say. No. No. And it's almost like if you're going to enter into the comedy realm, then you're a guest. Like you're coming into this thing. If you don't understand this thing, then you can't really participate in a debate about it. If you're like a person that has no interest in comedy, has no interest in poetry, has no interest in any of this stuff.

And you just wander by and see that something's going on and you pile on and start attacking. You don't really have, you're not allowed to do that. Right. Well, you know, you would think you're not allowed to do it. But now people do it. I mean, that's the good and bad, right? The amount of information we have is both good and bad. Yeah.

The fact that we've got the world with us at all times, you know, a moment of research. Yeah. It's good and bad. Yeah. It pushes things for sure. I mean, again, if you're going after the truth, these devices do that. We're able to capture things on video now and we're able to like, I mean, it's pretty profound, but then it can also be manipulated. Politicians still don't understand that, that the internet is forever and we all have video. Right. They just don't get it. I know. But if I wave my dick at you, that's going to go. go away, right? Like when I hit delete, then they won't know my dick went to the 15-year-old girl,

right? They won't know. But then you see, but then you see things, it's like, you know, it's so tricky and this is, you know, it's like the insurrection, like the January 6th, that, you know, like Tucker Carlson puts out this whole thing, taking that same event and manipulating it and trying to show, trying to twist it. And now he's creating a video reality for those people that want to think it was like a leftist FBI hit. You know what I mean? Yeah, but you know, when they do things like that, like I was just reading this morning,

like two people who work for Fox quit. Yeah. Because that was such twisted propaganda. When you go to that extreme, then the mainstream people know it's a lie. Right. You know, that. That is true. so that's so ridiculous.

Yeah. Because we did watch it. Right. We did watch it in real time. Yeah. And now you're going to come back six months later and say, no, this is what really happened. That's people who are down the rabbit hole.

And there's no. Yeah. I think that's a smaller, that's a smaller group. I think the problem we have as a society is going after those people. Mm-hmm. The hell with them, you know? Right. It's like when we do shows, right?

Right. Early on. What do you mean going after? sorry to interrupt. Trying to correct them or trying to give them the truth, trying to educate them. Right, right. You're not going to change. Why waste the energy?

You know, like when we start out in comedy, right, and every stand-up season, you've got 100 people in the room, two of them aren't laughing. Right. And we go after those two. And at a certain point in your career, you realize, now I'm going to stick with the 98. Right. They can go home. You know.

Yeah. And that's what it is. The QAnons, the Tucker Carlson Extreme, whatever. Yeah. You're not going to. change their minds. There's, there's nothing you can do. So, so why are we wasting energy? Right. There's no, there's no sense going after, you know, Marjorie Taylor Green. Right. Like, right. Like, if you believe everything she says, yeah, there's no sense talking to you.

Right. God bless you, you're free to do it. Yeah. I'm not going to try to explain the science of a vaccine to you. Come on. No, that's not going to happen. I got to spend my energy somewhere. It's interesting though when you when you like how quickly we went from you know the people going after Chappelle and then this kind of you know Q and on crazy town. It's like it's it's almost like it's pinning in on both sides. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're taking like these extremes on both on the left and the right and they're all so loud and trouble making. And it's it's hard to get a grip on how much of the normal.

middle is there? Like those fringes that are like doing that stuff on both sides. How small is it? Because they're just loud. That's the problem. They're so loud. They're so loud. And the middle, you know what the middle's doing? The middle got to go to work. The middle's going to work. They're picking up their turkey. They're putting Christmas lights out on the tree. I'd love to yell at you, but I got two kids. Right. And I got to get home. I'm really, I would love to yell, but I got, you know, and that's the middle. My kids are crying because the Christmas lights are broken. Right.

And I have to get it done tonight or they're, so I'm going to CVS right now. I don't know if you heard about the supply chain, but I got to go get some toys now, right? I got a, you know, whatever the toy at a year is. I got to get a Nintendo switch or whatever, you know. And do you think that that is 90% of us, 80% of us? 75 to 80%. Yeah, I think you're right. So, 75 to 80%, radical left, 5%, radical right, 15%.

Right, right. Ah, that's good math. Yeah. Because the, you know, the left, the left crazy isn't as much or as loud as the right crazy. The false equivalency bothers me. To compare Marjorie Taylor Green to AOC is not a fair comparison. Right. You know, because, yeah, AOC is left, but not as far, you know.

But again, these are arguments that really aren't worth having, you know. Backing up, I love what you said about comics seeing the truth from, you know, from a toothbrush to politics, because I think that is the curse of being a comic that we always see that. I can't turn it off. And it ruins a lot of things, you know. Right. I said, like, man, I wish I had a sense of wonder. Because as a comic, you see something and you're like, all right, this is bullshit. Let me tell you why.

And then it's like, now it's ruined. Now it's over. You can't just let it go. Can't let it go. You can't watch a movie and they make that crazy jump in logic. And you're like, no, that's, you know. I know. That happened to me watching everybody loved narcos.

Oh, no, everybody loved Ozarks. And there was a scene in Ozarks where they ran into like the drug lords. And I just turned to my wife. wife and I was like, really? And we were both like, nope, and we were out. And the whole world for the rest of the rest of the year were saying, are you watching, are you watching? Like, I tapped out.

Why? Because I can't do it. Well, drug lords can be friendly at first. Right. There's a show called La Brea. And the premise is that there's a giant sinkhole near the La Brea tar pits. And these people fall through it and they go back in time. time, right?

Yeah. Now that much I'll buy. I'll play along with that premise. But here's what ruins the show for me. Now, it's eight o'clock in the morning in L.A. You know what the La Brea Tarpitz are on Wilshire, mid-Wilshire, right? Every woman on the show who fell through time is wearing sensible shoes. And I'm like, this is L.A.

There's no way, there's no way these, not one of these women is in five-inch heels. Like every one of them is wearing appropriate footwear to fall through time and live in the jungle. Like, no, no, I can't. And then I'm out. How does nobody see not one pair of lubitons? Really? It's so funny to think of that that's the thing that where you tapped out and you're not going to be part of it. And when they're making it, they're not even thinking.

But that's the comic, right? Yeah. We always see the detail. Yeah, totally. And then we see the truth. And then we're like, yeah, this is now. Yeah. No.

No. Yeah. This is LA. Like in New York, even, because I was talking with a friend about this. It could happen in New York because New York women wear their sneakers on the train. To get to work. Yeah. They got a lot of walking to do.

In New York, it could happen. In L.A.? No. No. New way. No way. It's always good to be reading something good. Always good to be reading something new.

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That's so funny. So when you are writing and stuff, because you, one of the great things about you is every time I see you, and we just did a thing like a month ago, and every time you're one of the people who when you see them, if you haven't seen them, them in three weeks, two weeks, you know whatever's going on in the culture you're going to be talking about. It's, it's, there's a, there's a very timely aspect and timeless aspect to your comedy, but the timely part of it of like really talking about what's on everybody's mind, what everybody's talking about right now, you're one of the quicker minds where you're able to digest it and put the comic spin on it and put it up there. And that kind of comedy is the

kind that can get in trouble right now because part of comedy is figuring it out and trying to wrap your head around it. Do you have any filter based on the chapels and the whatever's of the going after comedians? Do you ever have a part that's, I can't say that or shouldn't say that? I've been trying to get canceled. Tom, I just can't get any traction. I'm out here doing midget jokes, trans jokes, whatever I can. You know, I hate Jews, Muslims, and Christians equally. I do what I do. No, you know, it really is, it really is a thing, though.

I don't know if it's a function of how famous you are. Like, like if I say something and then say like, Burr says it or something like then they're more upset when he says it because he's so much more famous. I don't know what it is. No, I don't, unless I'm in a specific gig, as you know, know, you get booked to do a corporate or you get booked for something specific, then I don't filter.

If it's something like that, I filter. Like next month, I'm doing my jazz cruises, right? And when I do the jazz cruise, I try to keep it light. It's like, yeah, these people are on vacation. Right. And some of them know me, and they're like, man, you didn't go in. It's like, this ain't the place to go in. This is the place to mention.

Right. But to go in. And that's what I love about clubs, man. clubs are the total freedom. Yeah. You can say whatever you want. But no, I don't consciously, I mean, I have a whole thing where I talk about it now. Like I said, I call it trigger words and I talk about people's reaction to words.

And I say the most important word in the English language is context. Right. That's the word people have forgotten. And when you walk into a comedy club, everything like you were saying earlier, everything said, the context is, well, you're in a comedy club. Right. Like that's the freest stage. there's going to be as far as what we can say. So if you come in here looking to be offended, we will.

Right. Right, exactly. I mean, even your act, what's your act is, and I think as comics, we love people who do something different than what we do. And you do fantastic stories and you talk about your family and this. And you were killing me talking about your daughters, right? There's somebody who's going to say,

well, he shouldn't say that about his daughters. Right. he's not a good father. Really? Tom Papa's not a good father? Really? Good luck with that. Yeah.

Go ahead and make that stick, you know? Yeah. And there's a subtlety too. There's, it's the, that trigger thing is really on point because you, and context, it's like, if you take a sliver out of something that someone's saying and it's like, well, that's offensive. Well, yeah. But what they were saying was this bigger arc of, you know, something else of ignorance or

it was like you took you're taking this little part it's like they don't have the patience or they're not even the patience sometimes they're just vindictive and want to get you yeah you know so they love that yeah so they love to like pick out i mean because that's what you're saying like with the with the chappelle thing it was like if you really listen to the fullness of it you're not going to be as confident in your uh assessment of this is hate speech right and also you know in in doing the numerous chapel interviews i had to do. I don't know how many you had to do. I'm a black guy on NPR, so they come to me. Right. Yeah. Did they? This is, Lonzo safe. Let's talk to him. But, but on one of my, I said, you know, my remote has an off button. You know? Yeah. It's like, I don't like Tucker Carlson. Right. So I don't have to tune in every day to make sure I still don't like him. Right. You know what I mean? Like, I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. I know what he is. If you don't like, Dave Chappelle, then don't watch Dave Chappelle. Like, why would you do that? I don't have that kind of time.

I don't have enough time to watch things I want to watch. I know, right. Who's got time to watch things that they don't want to, like, you know what? You know, I hate this guy. Watch this. No. It's so funny. I know.

There are things I know I would love that I can't get to. Really, there truly are. It's so funny. That is funny, NPR coming to you. Oh, yeah. Well, NPR opens the door and then news stations or whatever. I mean, it's cool. It's fun to do.

But it's like, you know, analyzing, to me, Dave right now has taken over as the greatest social commentator we've had. I was always a fan, a student, whatever, of Carlin. I always thought Carlin was the greatest social commentator. And I think Dave has taken that over. And his comedy is there's funny. and then there's this is commentary and he nails it, you know? Yeah. So, so I love the guy.

I love what he's doing. But if you have a problem with it, then just don't watch it. Yeah, right. Exactly. I know. It really shows what a void of, of serious commentators and things that are out there that comedians are looked at as the arbiter of everything. It's just like, you know,

Look, this is a rag-tag dysfunctional group trying to self-heel as they're doing this stuff. And it's like, you want to find warts. There's going to be warts. Right. The newscasters are the ones who are like, you know, the Walter Cronkites of yesteryear. But we don't have that. We don't have the grownups anymore. Or they're not flashy enough so people have tuned them out.

Right. You know, Lewis Black said this when he was on a daily show, which was what, over 10 years ago. Yeah. He said, you know, we don't want this job because they were like, why are comedians? Yeah. He said, we don't want this job, but no one else will do it. Right. You know, the media gave up on news in the 80s.

Right. That's when it changed. It became entertainment. I always tell people, like, I'm old enough to remember when 60 minutes knocked on the door, they had the camera in the back because they knew you were running out of the back. You know, they used to. Yeah. And like you said, the Kronkites and the stuff like that, they used to go after the

news. Right. And now you can just make up anything and they don't even they don't ask a follow-up question. Yeah. No. Kidding? There was a thing. I read that article of the guys from Fox that left because the Tucker Carlson thing was just propaganda and they were afraid it was going to incite people. And they were saying that the defense, the Tucker Carlson defense is he's not news. He's not a commentator. He's just a provocateur. And it's like, so you're even saying, like, this is my program is not what I'm pretending to be. Like, it's... Right.

His lawyer said in one of the, one of the trials said that a reasonable person, I'm paraphrasing, but basically a reasonable person would not expect Tucker Carlson to be telling the truth. Yeah. Like his lawyer said that. Right. You know, and yet there are still people quoting him. And it's like... Yeah. Well, that's like saying that he was...

Colbert from the Colbert report. And that's, and that's not accurate. But that's the difficulty in comedy. How do you parody the world we're living in right now? Right. Like, how do you parody this? Right. You know, you look at, you look at weekend update or a daily show and it's like, hey, good luck.

Yeah. Good luck saying something funnier than what they actually just said. Right. You know, Jen, what's her name, Saki? Yeah. The press secretary. Like she is the ultimate, she just has to destroy that Fox News guy every day. Like every day she's like, oh, what's the, you know, she could be a brilliant comedy writer.

Right. She has to deal with this idiot every day. It's like a heckler. Yeah, she gets heck. She's like, here we go again, you know. And she's so funny. She's so good at it. Yeah, she is good at it.

You talk about subtle. I don't think he realizes he's cut until he gets home and he takes his jacket off. He's like, why's my shirt all bloody? What just happened to me? You look like you lost weight. I'm trying to, man. I put on the pandemic weight like everyone else. You were, by the way, our first guest here.

Oh, well, thank you. You were the very first guest. Honored. Yes. I'm so psyched that you came back. Whole food sells cookies. And they shouldn't. You know what I mean?

Because you want to get help. Like, I'm not a good eater. I've always worked out. I've never been a good eater. So when they tell me I've got to eat healthy, I'm like, well, you go to Whole Foods. It's the name. Yeah.

It's nothing but good health. There's cookies. Like, now you're lying to me because now I'm telling myself, well, they're whole Foods cookies, so they're okay. You're right. Yeah, it's got to be good for me. I, well, so what did you do to lose weight? Nothing.

You know, I'm trying to eat a little less. And then I'm a late-night snacker. That's my problem. so I've pretty much cut back on that. You know, my body does respond, which is good. I guess I still have, I don't have the metabolism used to, but it's still like if I stop eating, it will help. So that's all I've done.

You know, trying to eat healthy, man. Yeah. What did somebody say? Go to the store and buy everything you don't like. Like they were like, that's what you do. Just buy everything you don't like, and then you'll be eating better and you'll eat less of it. It's tough.

It is tough. made a mistake this this last weekend I was on the road and I just normally I'll try and eat something before the show a couple hours before the show that'll be the biggest meal and then after the show then I'm just like it snack a little bit and not a big deal and I didn't I had like a lunch and then didn't eat at all did the show and got done with the show was so hungry at 1030 at night in a hotel in the strange places and I had a buffalo fried buffalo chicken sandwich at midnight. Yeah.

I had a Papa John's pizza with wings at 1130 the next night. And it was like, I can't do this. Like my old system was right. Because when you let yourself off the chain off the leash, it's like, yeah, I can do anything. Yeah. This is not going to be good. I literally have not stood on the scale since I've been back because I know the truth. is going to hurt.

20 something years ago, I had this trainer, right? I had to do this movie. I was playing a bouncer. I know it's hard to believe. But they said, can you get bigger? And I was going to Gold's gym at the time. And this woman, her name's Francesca. She's 61 years old now.

And her body puts 25-year-olds to shame. She's amazing. But anyway, she said, no, you don't need to get bigger. You need to lean out. And she started working me out. She has this diet, you know, no carbs, and it's like eating, again, boring oatmeal, chicken breasts, green vegetable, this or that. Yeah. And if you don't do the diet, she won't train you.

Oh, wow. But she shredded me, and it was definitely the eating that did it. But what her thing was, she said, when you go, if you fall off the diet, she says, you don't have a slice of pizza, eat the whole pizza. And then tomorrow get back on it. That was her thing. She was like, if you're going to screw up, go all the way and then stop. Why? So you satisfy the craving?

Yeah. She said because if you try to eat a slice of pizza today, then one cupcake tomorrow, then she's like, no, you'll go back to your old eating. She said, so you just one day if you fall off. Yeah. And she didn't even believe in cheat days. She said, no, just every now and then you're human, you're going to fall off. So just enjoy that and then say, okay, that's done.

That's great. And it takes discipline. It's you, you become conscious of it at all times. Right, right. That's the biggest thing, just being thoughtful about thinking about it. Right.

Because when you mindlessly eat, like, as I was that, this weekend, I was just literally just going. I was like, what, the only thing I was thinking was who will deliver within half hour at this time of night

in this strange town? So whatever you had, I was going to go for. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, and there's nothing healthy on the road after the second show. No, no. I remember me and Huff were on tour somewhere, and we ended up at Hooters. Like, and we weren't there for the hooter.

We're like, we got to eat. You're the only place open. So we got to, you know, and yeah, it's insane. Yeah, and it's, it's so much fun, though. I mean, literally, when I, the chain. places have it so dialed in. If you get, the Pizza Hut app on your phone works so intuitively,

flawlessly. And it's, it's one of the best apps I've ever used. And then it comes to you immediately and it's all packaged in those boxes. Yeah, they know what they're doing. They totally know what they're doing. There's no accident. No. 61. She's 61? Oh my God.

It's like she's 22. Yeah. Oh my God. I told her if she lived anywhere but L.A., women would kill her, like just for existing. Look at that. Look at those muscles. Yeah. Well, yeah, that makes you want to.

Oh, yeah, and then look at the last thing. It's asparagus with some chicken breast. Yeah, that's how she eats all the time. I mean, that's a tough part. But you know what? It's not. Like, you know, if you treat, like, we're rolling into the holidays, you treat like a, like a, like a, a big decadent meal with friends and like going off or just by yourself and you just,

you know, want to want to do it. You just treat those moments as like, that's the moment. This is the meal. This is the one that we're going to go to Hooters and like go off. And then the rest of it doesn't have to be complete bonkers every time you sit down. Right. You can enjoy it. But the tough thing is, though, most of the country, as you know, does not eat healthy.

Right. So when you're in the Midwest. Right. Like I remember, I remember I was outside of St. Louis. Right. And I was doing this motorcycle ride cross countries. Right. And my theory was, okay, ride through the city, get on the, I was headed east.

Yeah. Get on the eastern end of the city. So the next morning, I don't have to deal with the traffic in that city, right? And you know, America, every city, it's like you, there's a mall. Right. There's a holiday and express or a courtyard or whatever those kind of place. So I'm staying there. I said, where is that each?

She said, oh, there's a new barbecue place. They, you know, across the street down over by the mall. You know, so I go there and I ordered a chicken dinner. And Tom, it was four large pieces of chicken, two sides and corn. It was enough to feed three people, honestly. And I was like, this is why we weigh 300 pounds each. They consider this a meal. And I didn't get it smothered, which is an option.

and that is but that's how we eat in America. Yeah. Like when you, it's massive. When you go overseas, when you go to other countries, like when you go to, I remember being in France and going to this breakfast buffet and it was all fruit, yogurts and breads. Like, and it freshly baked, fresh. It was delicious. Yeah.

It was like, but where's the waffle maker with the eggs and the, you know. Where's the tray of bacon? Where's the big tray of bacon? tray of bacon and sausages. And I love bacon. There's nothing that's not better with bacon. I love bacon. But yeah, you're right.

The moderation part is difficult. But again, our society is designed. You know, watch the commercials. You know, you watch the commercials. And I don't need a shack-sized pizza with cheese in the crust. Shaq. Check, leave me alone. Stop trying to kill me.

I know. Megan the Stallion has a new sauce. and Popeyes. Right. And just the visual of that, it's not even food. You're not even looking at this fried, like, thing. And there's weird pink sauce on it. It looks good.

Whatever research they do is like, I mean, this doesn't look like something you've ever eaten before, but you're like, I have to have that. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it works. Yeah. And like to say, we're hooked on sugar. Well, they talk about that.

But trying to, and I haven't really tried, like, the people who are super disciplined by no people have done it. Trying to not eat sugar is almost impossible because sugars in everything. Everything. Everything. Even like, you know, natural sugars.

Right. You know, you're knocking out fruits. Like it's, no, the people that go hardcore, that is, yeah, but then you lose your mind. Right. And that's the other extreme because then all they talk to you about is what to eat and what there's nothing worse.

Oh, do you know what's in that? You know what? I don't want to know what's there. Yeah, right. I'm at a game and I'm eating a hot dog because that's what you're supposed to eat at the game. I know this isn't real cheese on these nachos that are in this baseball helmet. But that's not. I don't need you to ruin this for me. Just shut up.

Well, I'm glad that you're dialing it in and you've lost weight because it makes me feel better about forgetting to bring you the bread that I had for you. That was delicious though. I know. Bread's delicious. Thank you very much. I'll be honest, though. This one, I literally got home last night from the road, so I didn't have time to make it. So I was at Whole Foods this morning and bought you a big sourdough loaf.

And I literally, I have the bag. I had everything. But, you know, when you travel and you, you know when you get off the road and you think you're stronger than you are? And then all of a sudden you're like, I think I just dropped my keys in the toilet. Like, you're like, all of a sudden you do things. And you're like, I must be more tired than I thought. I literally looked at my security camera on my phone. just to confirm because it's like how did I I I there's no way I left that bag and I looked at myself

walking up the driveway with my keys and got in the car and left there's no bag in my hands so let me ask so I apologize post-pandemic road is it different for you um it is different but in a in a very unexpected way um do you want to be more specific before I answer well I'll tell you like Like with me, the first thing was I realized I forgot stuff because I wasn't used to packing every week. Yes. So I would just like literally like, where is my toothpaste? Yeah. Or just the little things like that that you always, that normally you'd have not only one, you'd have the spare.

Yeah, that's right. Kept the extra because you know. We had double of everything. And the other thing is I asked myself, is it worth the trip? Like Shang and I were talking about this. Interesting. The comfort of being home last year has me less likely to chase it. I know what you're saying.

Yeah, I know what you're saying. There is, there is, don't you catch yourself, you catch yourself looking at that old version of yourself. And the pace, the mindless pace. Right. Not thinking for a minute about where you're going, what you were doing, for how much money you were making, you just went. a thousand miles an hour for 15 years. Yeah. And now you're looking at it, again, like the diet thing, like with a little more thoughtfulness.

You're actually thinking about what you're doing. Right. Because we were so accustomed to chasing it. Yeah. And it was fun. You know, I love the work. But then you realize, like, what's different. It's like the money aspect, right?

Like, like, what, you know, I tell people like, listen, I'd love to have a couple of million dollars in the bank just for the security and knowing it's there. Right. But I can't say that my life would change appreciably. Mm-mm. You know what I mean? And it's no, not listen. Yeah. A millionaire is great.

But I know some, I know some millionaire business people. And I'm like, man, your life is like the shit that they worry about. Mm-hmm. It's like, man. Yeah. What's wrong with you? Like you're in your 60s. Right.

And you got, you know, you got $10 million. You're in your 60s. You won. Right. It's over. Pay your taxes. Stop fighting the system. Right.

Kick back. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let me ask you this, though, because I was thinking, I was the same thing. Like, all of a sudden you look at like, I went and did this show like in the middle of nowhere and had to drive, like land, rental car, drive. I've all, and you don't think like, oh, I'm, I'm driving it late at night on windy deer-filled roads. Like, this isn't, I'm not 20 anymore.

Right. And before I would never have thought, I would just do it. And then I wouldn't even think about it. Now I'm thinking about it. Like, I don't think I'm going to take these kind of gigs any longer. But it's, it's almost like it's, we're working smarter. It's almost like when you. We have more experience now.

Like the things that would make you upset back then also when you were running, don't bother you. Right. Though the economics of how you go after new material and put your act together, you're smarter, you're better. You know what I mean? Like you're a veteran now. And being a veteran gives you the ability to be better than you were when you were younger without spending stupid energy. Well, yeah. You don't, exactly, that's what it is.

You don't, you know, it's condensed. The point from the idea to the joke is condensed, which is both good and bad. Yeah. I was talking to an open micer and they were excited about this five minutes that they did. And I was like, man, I would, there's a part of me that would love to still be excited about five new minutes. Yeah. Right. But that's only because in my mind, because they were asking me how to, like, tighten this up.

Because my mind does, you know, we're at the shortcut level. My mind is like, yeah, do this and say that. And you eliminate what's in between. And it's the same thing with the travel. Like you said, like years ago, my business manager said, listen, you got to travel comfortably. She said, spend the money. Because who's it, Lori Kilmartin posted just the other day on Twitter. Like if a club gives you $500 for air, it's going to cost $700.

Right. You know, like they're still buying airplane tickets in 1993 or whatever. Yeah. And my business is like, look, spend the extra money and be comfortable because you travel all the time. Yeah. And then, you know, and as you know, we travel a ton. Yeah. We're the platinum business travelers.

And I always say like, they treat me like shit and I'm platinum. Like, I don't know what they're doing in Group 7. Because American Airlines ain't too crazy about me. I'm platinum and they ain't too happy with me. What do they do to Group 7? You see what they do? They take their bag. They're like, don't even think about bringing it on the plane.

Definition of an optimist. I'm in Group 5 with a carry-on bag. Yeah, good luck with that. Where are you putting that? Where you're in Group 5? We're hustling. We're the first ones on the plane. Nervous that there's going to be a spot.

Exactly. And it better not be two seats behind where I'm going to play. How do we get concierge key? I don't even know. You know, unless you pay for it. Like, there's something somebody told me you can get to the airport and you pay like 75 bucks and somebody walks you through. Yeah. But to me, it's like, that's not worth it.

I just do all the security stuff, the clear and the pre-check and all. You know, that's a thing we know. I know. There was that movie with George Clooney where he was the. business traveler and he would like knew what line to get into and then you'd be behind somebody who didn't know and they got their keys in the metal and you're like come on a bottle of water rookie what the hell is where have you been you know like we have no like this weekend and i you know my mom passed away my dad's passed away but right they knew i didn't come home for thanksgiving

i was like no there's too many amateurs at the airport i i can't go to the airport the day before Thanksgiving. They don't know how to get through security. I'll be the one shooting people. Alonzo, I'm so nervous. My daughter's coming home right before Thanksgiving. And she's coming with, and she has clear because I got clear

and you can bring your family members into it. And she's TSA pre because I got everybody global. I wanted everybody. I can't have my family slowing me down. But she's coming with her boyfriend. And I know he has no TSA pre. I know he's not clear. I'm not even.

traveling and I'm so anxious about how is she going to get through the Thanksgiving lines with this guy that she's lugging behind her. You got to cut him loose. I'll see you at the gate. Listen, listen, listen. Now you know prep for Christmas because we got to cut you loose at things. I'm really, I'm so anxious about how she's going to get through with this guy that doesn't have status because our lives are built on making it as easy as possible.

And people don't understand, and I tell them all the time, that's the work, right? Right. Being on stage is the easiest part of what we do. 100%. That's the work. When you're at the airport 7 a.m. and you got to, you know, get to wherever. Yeah, that's my job. Yeah. No, it's the moving. I landed in Tyler, Texas. I had to take a two-hour car ride. In Dallas, I had to go to Tyler, Texas, two and a half hours in the car. and then back. I wasn't even driving.

I had someone driving me and I was still like and then that constant motion and then stay at the airport go to New York another car back in the thing. It's that. It's that's the stuff that.

Yeah. But the part about the act and getting to the club, getting to the theater, I am enjoying that now more than I ever have. Yeah.

Like the I remember like trying to get to the theater the last minute I could. Now I'm like, why would I do that? I should go there and do a sound check two hours before the show. I should be at a theater. How lucky are we to be able to go and do shows? Like, why should I sit in the days in by myself and watch like some stupid thing in my underwear? I should be sucking everything out I can about actually being in the show.

Well, it's the work, right? I mean, the thing, and I love, I almost sometimes wonder, maybe I love being a stand-up too much, you know, because I still do. I still love it. And, you know, I was doing radio. I joke, I was doing AM talk radio, and it would have been a great job in 1987. Right. But, you know, it's a lot of work for not a lot of. A lot of money.

It's not even money. Exposure. A lot of satisfaction. Oh, yeah. Satisfaction. In what way? The creativity because you start, you have to repeat. You have to fill this time.

Right. You have to talk about the same stories and this and that, you know. And I'm not a journalist. To a journalist, maybe that's fun. Right. But, but then I, you know, I said, you know what? I'm just going to go back to doing stand-up. Like, I love doing stand-up.

And like you said, when you get in the venue, when you get that vibe, because it's just, this is where, this is home. Yeah. But, you know, I had a therapist and she saw me, like, I didn't know she was coming or whatever. I was doing a benefit. And she was there. And she said, you know, if you were that guy all the time, you'd be fine.

She's like, I've never seen you that comfortable in them. And it's like, yeah, this is home. Yeah. This is what I do. Yeah. And, you know, when they say, oh, it's your job. It's not with, nah, no, no. I think for certain people, and I think if you work in a creative thing, it's in your DNA to do it.

It's not your job. It's what you do. You know, you liked being home during the pandemic. Your wife didn't like having you home. She was like, no, he's not doing his thing. Right, right. Go do your thing and come back. Yeah, no, it's true.

Because you have all this in your head and this and you've got no outlet for it. That's how I've been starting my act lately. And I tell people, you don't understand like my entire adult life was spent waking up, walking around my house, becoming filled with fear, anxiety and rage. and then going out at the end of the day on stage and letting it all out. And that's what kept me sane. And for the last 18 months, the first half of that held. Yeah.

And then I went nowhere. Right. And it's true. And we had so much to say because we're watching. We're like, oh, my God. Yeah. Who do we say? What?

Yeah. And also hearing your friends say it. Like the first time we got together and did stand up, it was like, oh. Oh, just to hear Alonzo's perspective on it. To see, like, it was really, it was like, I needed to hear, we're very fortunate in that way that it's not only your release, your cathartic release, but you're around all these other minds that are digesting and trying to make sense of the world. And again, with the shorthand, you know, they always tried to, you know, there was a show called The Green Room. Everyone's tried to capture that. I know.

The way comics communicate. And you really can't capture it. It's just something we have an understanding. And the other place I have it is in my motorcycle world, you know, which is another passion. And when I'm around a ton of motorcycle people, like we all get it. Right. You don't have to explain it. Exactly.

I'm sure it's that way. Listen, I'm sure if you're into like needlepoint or scrapbooking or whatever and you're with those people. Yeah. You get it. I don't understand people who don't have a thing. I know. It is very, yeah, it's really. You got to have a thing.

You do have to. You got to have a tribe. Yeah, right. It's really true. Yeah. And the fortunate thing about the comedy part of it is that they're making sense of the world out loud. Yeah. You know, there's a meditative thing to the needle point or the bread baking that is, you know, you have that thing. But no one's like really making sense of what everyone is saying and what's going on around you. And to just like you, we take it for granted, but you just roll in and you're two spots early and you get to see two comedians up before you. It's like, oh, it gives you like some. calm like yeah oh they're they're figuring it out right making sense of this for me yeah it's um you know and the other thing is we don't get offended right you know we we can you know whatever you say the most offensive thing in the world is the most hilarious shit we've heard and we're like it's okay we're in it because we can laugh at ourselves and that was back to the what we were saying earlier it's like if if you can't laugh at yourself then you're you

And you cannot show up in a comedy arena. You can't be in a theater list watching a comic. You can't be watching Chappelle on Netflix. You can't walk into the comedy store unless you have the ability to laugh at yourself. Because if you do, then you realize there's no hate there. This is not coming from hate. There's no hate. There's no hate.

Exactly. When we were doing way back when we're doing last comic standing, right? They sent the NBC corporate, like the person who's in charge of, of harassment and all it is like they sent the poor woman to talk to us. A comedy show. Stand up show. Ten comics. Yeah. In an office. And she's trying to tell us what we're not allowed to say. And it's me and Kathleen Madigan and Tammy Pascatelli and Gary Goldman. And it's like, wait a minute. So if the

Jew says this, he's like, well, I listen to black, I had enough of the blacks, you know. And the poor woman was in tears. Not in a good way. Yeah. No, because she's coming from a corporate world and she should protect their people but that you don't put her in a stand-up world right because we we have there's nothing i'm going to say to tammy that tammy's going to be offended by never she's going to fire back never right exactly exactly and that really is the key you can't you have to come into the realm of being able to laugh at yourself yeah because then what then you have the understanding that this comes from love this doesn't come from me and we've lost that in in in society with this you know just little things I don't know courtesy common sense

things like that we we've we've lost that like everybody is so not everybody but you know yeah the best are so I'm so into me yeah I have no consciousness of you I know your space or I'm so into my rights I you you have a right you know I little things like I the whole world's you revolve around me having my dog and walking my dog because you never walk in L.A., it's true. You don't walk in other. You start walking your dog. You start noticing.

Yeah. And just interacting with people and seeing things. And it's like, man, like I have this thing. Like, if you don't clean up your dog shit, you're dog shit. You are dog shit. That's the, you know, you're a garbage, terrible person if you don't clean up after your dog. That's a perfect way to put it. Right?

And then like, like, I have a great Dane. Right. He's big guys. Friendly, totally fun. But he's big. And there'll be a jogger like coming up behind it. It's like you know, make yourself known maybe. Maybe, you know, like the bicyclist, they yell on your left on your right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't run up on a guy with a 150 pound dog. Yeah. What's wrong with you? Right. What are you stupid? Yeah. Yeah, I'm responsible.

But give me, give me a warning. Yeah. If he jumps on you, then, you know, he's not going to bite you, but he knocked the shit out of you just playing. Yeah, yeah. But, but that, and it's just we're living in a world amongst other. people and it's like we've we've lost that yeah there's no right it's it's a it's a very self-centered thing everybody thinks yeah it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's not we yeah and you

can't live like that it has to be we and you're not that important right the government's tracking me like no they're not no they're not you know nothing yeah you know yeah I know everybody thinks they're so important if you knew the stuff that the people the government is tracking if you knew the stuff they knew you'd be like you know I used to work in aerospace and stuff and a friend of mine he retired but like he's not allowed to be on social media you know what do you mean because he knows secrets like he spent a career in the defense industry like he's not allowed to have a Facebook account or a Twitter no he they're like no you can't for the you can't go on Facebook and look at your

grandkids like no you're not allowed to be on it because wow you know stuff like Like he's one of those like, yeah, they would kill him to know things he knows. Wow. About national security and this and that. Like that, you know. And there's some kid 20 years old doing pong hits in his dorm room like, the government's coming after. Right.

Don't get the vaccine. Like, yeah, okay. You know what? He's vaccinated. He's okay. You're not that important. That should be a T-shirt. Man, it's, wow.

How is your great thing? What's your Great Dan's name? Hulk. Perfect. Let me tell you how great my dog. This morning, and this is what I talk about about leaving home before I came here, I'm sitting on the couch, and he's laying on the couch with his head on my lap. And I was like, if it wasn't Tom, I wouldn't leave.

There's like five people I'll get off the couch. Tom's one of them. Alonzo, I swear to you, my total opposite. My pug, my pug walking around with his diaper, was, looking at me as I was leaving with this depressed. It always looks depressed. It looked even more depressed. I was like, I'll be back, buddy.

I have to go see Alonso. To everyone listening. It's so funny. I don't know if that bit you do about your pug is recorded anywhere. Not yet. It's one of the funniest bits about a dog I've ever heard. It keeps growing. It was so funny.

I literally that night was so funny because I hadn't, that was when I learned that you had a great day. Yeah. And you were doing the whole thing. like, should I do dogs? We've heard a lot of dog stuff. I was like, my thing is not really a dog. What does a Great Dane do with its legs when it lays down? It curl, he curls up. He does. It's amazing how flexible he is, right? Sometimes he'll do things. I'm like, that cannot be comfortable. Because all they do is sleep. And this is why I got one. A friend who's a dog trainer told me,

oh, Great Dane's a great dog for you. She said, I recommend them for people in apartments because they really one good walk, one good half hour of walk, they're like, okay, I'm good. I'm going to sleep. And she said, an adult Great Dane sleep 16 to 18 hours a day. And I believe it. Whoa. They just curl, they like to curl up and sleep, but they like to touch you. Uh-huh.

So he'll fall asleep like with his head against my leg or something like that. Or the thing that's funny that I got to warn people, when a Great Dane likes you, they leaned on you. They literally leaned their whole body. Because they don't realize how big they are. That's amazing. So they lean into you. But no, he's great. But yeah.

And I'm always worried about stuff, right? I'm the worried dad. Like, I just bought him this bed. It's called the Big Barker. And it's like this, it's basically a temperedic for dogs. Yeah. They're like, well, they're big and you've got to protect their joints. And I'm like, hey, got to protect the joints.

That makes sense. So now I've spent hundreds of dollars for this dog bed. and he prefers sleeping on the rug. He's like, I'll just curl up on the rug next to my bed. But he'll get on the bed sometime. This is how you know you're in love with this animal. Oh, I'm definitely. When he puts his head on your lap and you want to get up and go get your computer,

go get some water, and you just don't. It's because you're like, I can't move him right now. And you know what, you know what dogs teach you? It's not that important. Right. You know, nothing lives in the moment like a pet. Animals live. There's no memory.

There's no anticipation. They're in the moment. When I was going to get them, because I got them from a breeder in Salt Lake City. Uh-huh. Right. And she's great because she breeds pets. Right.

Like I talked to some of those breeders. You have the puppy mill shit people. And then you have the people who breed the show dogs. Yeah. You know, what was the name of that movie about the dog show? A Best in Show. A Best in Show. Yeah.

those people. And she's like, no, my dogs are healthy, pure bread, but they're pets. Right. That's nice. So she's great. So anyway, so the day before I was going to get him, I was talking to a friend. I said, you know, I'm really nervous. I don't know. And she said, he's not nervous at all. And it made the whole, I was like, oh yeah, that's right. Like it made the whole thing. Wow. And she said, she's, you know, she said, listen, dogs are, you're going to learn so much about not worrying. Because dogs don't worry about shit. Right.

They don't even know for it. They know you're going to feed them, but they don't really know. Yeah. But they're pretty confident. Like, there'll be food tonight. I got nothing to worry about it. Did you get them as a puppy? Yeah.

Yeah. How big is a great dame puppy? Well, they start out. So when I first saw him, he was, I think, six weeks old and he probably weighed, I don't know, 12 pounds. Uh-huh. When I got him, he was nine weeks. old, he weighed 27 pounds. Uh-huh. Now he's

11 months old. He weighs 140. Like, the growth is amazing. And, uh, yeah. That's crazy. It just completely, is he done growing? No. No, they grow for at least 18 months or so. Whoa. They're saying he's going to be 150, 160, something like that. I don't know. And that, but

there's a part of me that wants him to grow like, yeah. I'm like, get bigger. Like, I want you to be a monster. because we have this website with the litter and people pull and he has one brother who's bigger than him and it boggues me like come on eat that's amazing you got to catch your big bulk up it's the opposite of your trainer but yeah you know people have said that they're like yeah getting a dog's the best thing and I get it now and also it gets back to like you said not chasing it like I'm more

comfortable at home because now I'm not going to be out five days a week. Right. Right. I know. I know. You just, yeah, it's amazing the gravitational pull of a dog's love. Right. It's just, and it's the quiet, man. That's what I fell in love with last year, because it had never been quiet. Right. And suddenly it was quiet. I know. I know. You can feel it getting noisy again. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and here in LA, as you know, we knew we were back when you're the first time you were stuck in traffic. You're like, yeah, we're back. Yep. Here we go. back. Now I'm cursing at them all again. Right. Well, thanks for doing this, Alonzo.

Phenomenal, man. You were the first guest. You're my favorite. I love talking to you, Tom. Your work, your whole energy. Thanks, man. And what's your podcast? My podcast is called Who's Paying Attention? And you will be on it early 2022. Perfect. All right. I'm looking forward to having you. And we talk and then we talk a little about news and topics and I've added this thing toward the end like give me some good news because otherwise it's just so depressing that's the best absolutely it's so depressed like anything you got that's positive to give me and you know 100% my last post on instagram was a baby chick and a puppy

hanging out together I'm like that's all I need right now yeah this guy sent me a post of a baby giraffe. And it was like, thank you, man. Thank you. Because I've been getting hit with Kyle Rittenhouse all week and I needed a baby giraffe. And it is true, man. Just occasional things that remind us like it ain't all bad. No, no, absolutely not. It's the noise. It's the noise. All right, man, you're the best. Have a great one. All right. That's our show. I told you Alonzo was great. How could you not love a guy who is in love with a great Dane? It's so perfect. Just his voice alone. If you didn't even know what Alonzo, how big Alonzo is, just hearing his voice, knowing that he is in love with a great Dane, that's a good guy and super funny. Thank you,

Alonzo, for being on the program. I hope you guys all enjoyed it. I hope you're enjoying your holiday season. Keep it going. We'll see you next week. Thank you to our friends at moinkbox.com and Scribd.com. See you next time.