Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Milan Patel: Growing Up Running a Motel

Episode Date: October 1, 2026

Milan Patel and Tom trade stories about motel guests, hotel etiquette, Hinge, public pools, TSA PreCheck, and the strange calculations people make during flight delays. Plus, Milan Patel talks about The Paper, his upcoming dates with Anthony Jeselnik, and why Cybertrucks may have finally found their calling. Catch Milan in an upcoming episode of The Paper! Milan opens for Anthony Jeselnik in San Diego and Phoenix this December. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Like, I think we should convert cyber trucks into Hurses. That's a brilliant idea. Because they're not really, nobody's using it for anything good now, other than, like, people, like, plaster their small business on their cyber truck. Yeah, they wrap it, yeah. Yeah, they wrap it, yeah. It's like, I don't know, it's for businesses that you can't really comprehend either. They're just, like, yeah.

We sell Bitcoin to plumbers, okay? I don't know how to get involved with that. If it's on the side of that, maybe I shouldn't call. Yeah, but those would be. No, you're right. That's a brilliant idea. I think they're structurally sound in terms of like, yeah. Perfect body size.

Exactly. I think that's maybe what it is. I've never been in one, but my dog has. It's breaking bread. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. Yeah. This is, you made a good impression already.

Okay, good. Yeah. There are a lot of comedians that have been on this show that have been at it way longer than you have. And they don't bring me bread. Yeah. And you just walk in with. this beautiful facacia right off the bat. Yeah, because it can't be one way.

You can't just be like you make all the bread. Nobody gives you anything. That's lame, right? You're saying all the right things. Brown-nosing. Thank you so much for being here. I baked you this bread last night. Oh, thanks, man.

And it really came out great. Yeah. So I think you're going to enjoy it. You get to bring it home. That's great. also cookies. Our new venture are these cookies. Wow.

Yeah, you can break those open right now if you want to. Okay. They're mama-papa cookies. My wife is diving into it. I think it's going to be a national sensation. My girlfriend bakes, too. Oh, yeah? She made cookies recently.

Uh-huh. And, yeah, these are awesome. I love tiny cookies. That's the thing. People don't make tiny cookies anymore. Exactly. Tates, Tates, like those tiny Tate. I mean, I'm not saying those are good, but necessarily, but...

No, I respect Tates, but, you know, they went flat and big and flat, and that was a cool, like, thing. And then it came out with these minis, which are too many. Yeah. They're really too small. It's like eating a cracker, yeah. Yeah, I wanted this, like, bite size. That's perfect. Yeah, two bites, maybe.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And you just get a bunch and you just eat a bunch. It's, I think you're going to like them. Okay. Cool. Thanks. Yeah.

Yeah. But I'm really. glad that you're here. This is, uh, this is very cool because you are, um, you are a very funny human being and, uh, everybody that, uh, I bring your name up to is like, yeah, they, everybody signs off that you're like one of the legit funny people. Cool. So, uh, congratulations on that. Thanks. So if you ever just wanted, if you, if you, if you ever feel like you just want the respect to your peers and no financial success or anything, you've done it. So you can get out after this podcast. I was going to say, Who are you, like, polling open micers?

A lot of open mic, very big on the open mic scene. My parents. Your parents. No, it's legit people. I mean, we ran into each other the very first time I ever saw you was that Netflix thing. Yeah, the taping. Yeah, what was that for? Netflix introducing.

So they tape your set and then they put it on their YouTube. Right. The Netflix YouTube. The Netflix YouTube. Yeah. Which sounds weird. The Netflix is a joke. Not even the Netflix YouTube, it's a Netflix is a joke YouTube. Right. The comedy portion of Netflix on YouTube.

Yeah. Right. So when people will be like, hey, you've been on Netflix. I'm like, I mean, I just say yes. I'm nowhere near the platform. They won't let me. My name will never touch that platform. I can't even get an account. My credit's too bad to get an account. They know that you're just scamming off your parents account. Yeah. But yeah, that's where we met. That's what we met. And you, I had to host it. And I say had to because I did. And it was, was it during the festival? No, it wasn't during the show. It was just a random thing.

Yeah. They were just doing like a new comedian's night thing. Yeah. And there's probably, I don't know, 10 people on it. Yeah. Enough people where I had to go up and start the show and then do something in between everybody. Yeah.

And which is way too much to ask for anybody. You, I mean, you had the most stage time. I had the most stage time. Like, half of the show was you, I think. Like three quarters of it. And we were all asking ourselves, why are we on YouTube? And, you know, whenever you do those new comedy things, there's, there's different levels of people.

Everybody's doing the thing. It was a good group. I really was inspired by it because I don't get to see people that are like just emerging. Yeah. But there was maybe like two or three that had like really good sets. So you're like, oh, yeah, these are legit jokes. And you were the top of it. Okay.

Thank you. Yeah. And then I didn't see you for a long time. I don't know what you were doing. I went underground. I had a controversy. After that came out. I had to go into hiding.

Yeah. Where did you start stand-up? Seattle. Nice. Yeah. I went to school there, like college, and I started while I was in college. U-Dub? I went to U-Dub, yeah. Nice. And, yeah, I was, I don't know if you ever did, like, People's Republic of Comedy

or, like, the laugh-hole stuff back in the day. No. Anyway, I kind of started with those guys. Yeah. Laugh is a weird name. Laughal, yeah. Yeah. Has anything with hole in the name. Yeah, it's unsettling.

Yeah. It reminds me of other things. What kind of place was this? Yeah. So you were in college and did you grow up in that area? I grew up in near Portland, Oregon. Okay. So it wasn't out of depression from the rain and stuff.

You just wanted to be funny. Yeah, yeah. I think I just liked comedy. I don't think I was like too depressed. Too sad. Yeah. I toured you dubbed with my daughter and it was on a sunny spring day and there were flowers blooming on all the trees. Cherry blossoms.

Yeah, that main quad thing. That's when they do all the tours. That's when I did my tour too. Cherry blossom season. It's like two weeks out of the year. And they took us in a room and said to all of the kids, just so you know, it's not like this. That's good. Don't come here thinking

this is what it's going to be and you need this because it's not going to be this. It's going to rain. It's going to be dark and you're going to be sad. So just know that this is not how we live. No, but you get, we give you vitamin D pills supplements. Do they? I wish.

That would have been nice. A lot of kids just under lamps. UV lamps, tanning beds and UV lamps, yeah. I think, I think a lot of kids did have those, though. Yeah, I would imagine. The UV light things, yeah. Every time I go to that area, I always get lucky and it's always pretty decent. Yeah.

It's, in the summer, I think Pacific Northwest is the most beautiful place. Yeah. And then, yeah, if you don't like the rain, the rest of the year. It's not great, but... You're going to be really sad. Yeah. Were you funny when you were in third grade? In third grade?

No. No. I was funny in like eighth grade. Eighth? Yeah, that's when I was funny. That's when it kicked in. That's when it kicked in. What was going on in third?

In third? I would say starting in maybe not third, but fourth, I liked comedy. Uh-huh. So I had no interest in being funny. I was consuming it rabidly. Right. So... Did you have friends?

Yeah, I had some friends. I hope every grade I had one friend at least that's good like I don't think I went through any grade with zero friends that's that's strong yeah but not like every not like a friend group necessarily right not a group of friends yeah one dork one dork always wanted to be my friend is true to this day I can always find one that's all you need yeah you don't need a big group not really it gets confusing yeah it does one kid in fourth grade and you're like We're going to watch Saturday Night Live Phil Hartman clips. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, we have one interest. We have one friend, each of us, and that's enough. What was the comedy that you, were your parents funny? No, they're not funny.

I mean, they think they're funny, but they're not. Oh, really? Yeah, they're just, you know, they're like loud and they're whatever, expressive, but I don't think they're that funny. They're loud? Yeah, yeah. Because you're not loud. No, no.

My dad is quiet. I'm kind of like quiet like my dad. Oh, okay. So who was like, so we're talking about mom? mom mom aunts uncles everybody else they're all loud they're pretty loud yeah yeah i like loud families yeah it's nice it's like there's something going it's like tv's on all the time kind of right yeah right exactly it's like you're not bored someone's yelling about something yeah just that this is how they talk yeah yeah yeah pretty much yeah because my girlfriend was

visiting recently and she was like hearing my mom and my aunt talk to each other they're just cutting cucumbers and they're screaming and she's like, are they mad at each other? And my mom was like, no, I was just telling her that she was cutting the cucumbers too thin. It's like, okay, so you are mad. Right, but I don't hate her. I don't hate her.

And we're not mad at each other. We just scream all the time and critique each other. You have siblings? Yeah, I have an older brother and older sister, half brother, half sister. Half brother and half sister. Yeah.

Where'd the other half come from? The other half is a different mom. Different mom. Yeah. Got it. So you got the better mom? They're both equally good moms. The dad sucks, but he's good.

He's a good guy. What did your dad do? Everybody in my family, like, does, either owns, like, motels or hotels. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Or, like, before that, they had other small businesses, like dry cleaners or. Right. stuff like that but now everybody's in the like motel hotel industry yeah so as a comedian

uh are you starting to tour like do you go out on the road yeah i did uh this year and like a little bit last year and that was just my first time doing it and what does it make you think of your family's hotels when you're out on the road in other hotels oh i mean uh the places i'm staying are way better than the places that they that like we had growing up I mean, they're like 10 times better, so. Did they ever have those, like, ranch ones where it's just a line of rooms? Yeah, I mean, ranch style, like, one-story, like, motel. Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Those are always scary. Yeah, they can be. But once you're inside those rooms, like, you think they're scary, but some of them are kind of the same as if you were at, like, a Best Western or something. Sometimes, like, Holiday Inn, Best Western, they suck. Yeah.

But they just look nicer because the science. is new. Right. You know? Or whatever. But like, I don't know. Yeah. In no country for old men. Do you remember? That's like the type of motels. That's what you would have. Because you could hide money up in the vents.

Yeah. And I like watched that movie. I was like, oh my, I could have done so much more with the, because the rooms do connect. Yeah. If you know the internal like whatever blueprint of the of the rooms, you're like, oh, this room goes to this room and nobody knows that except for me. How funny would that be if. your dad's walking around checking the property. Yeah. And then you're just looking through the grate. Shot, like, cow brainblower in my hand, whatever that thing is.

Like, where'd you get that? I don't know. I found it in the garage on the back. I think my wife just got in my head about the little strip ones. Because she's like, we can just be attacked. They don't have to go through the lobby. They could just come right for us. Yeah.

I guess so. Yeah. Because it's like car, it's like car, meaning. parking lot straight to door so yeah you feel vulnerable yeah and there's like weird people at night like skittering around too sometimes so yeah sometimes i'm not saying did you have places that rented by the hour no no never i think my dad like refused to do that but i did have got i mean i had experiences where a dude would check in and then come back in an hour and return the key and then give me a wink and i and i just have you you can leave the key in the room like

Like, you don't have to, like, tell them, brag to me that you... Yeah, but then how would you know what I did? Yeah. I was like, well, I'm not impressed. Why would I be impressed by that? I just had my pants off. Yeah. In your room.

Okay, fine, yeah. Congrats, dude. Did they put you to work? Did you have to, like, work the... Oh, yeah, yeah. You did? Yeah, I worked there from, like, like, I was, like, me and my siblings were renting rooms when we were, like, 10.

Really? Yeah. And then, like, people get mad. you know, because they're like, why do I have to talk to a child, but like, I am the authority in that situation. It's true. Whenever you run into like a little kid that's like working the, the hostess desk or there's waiting tables.

Yeah. No, but they're usually like so on it. Yeah. Because they know, like, if this runs well, I can get out of here, I can go back to playing. That's true. There's a bigger incentive to getting out of there. Yeah, exactly. I remember, yeah, like, like going into the office.

My sister and I were the only ones there. she was cleaning a room or something. And so a customer came in, and I, I'm four. And I had to like, like, you know, like look up at the lady. And she's like, my car just broke down. Can you help me? I'm like, I have no skills to help you. She just like started screaming.

She's like, what the fuck is it? Like, what is this establishment? And I'm like, I don't know. It's run by children. It's run by children. It's like, well, my sister, he's like, how old is she? She's 13. I don't know.

She's crazy old. I don't know. She probably has jumper cables. Yeah. I don't know. So, yeah, a lot of experiences like that. All right. So when you're staying in a Holiday Inn now as a touring comedian,

and you're going to leave, what kind of tip do you leave at Holiday Inn on the way out? What's good? I feel like five bucks a day is pretty good. Five bucks a night for the cleaning. Right. I think that's pretty decent. That's pretty good. That's about what I can afford to.

Yeah, that's, yeah. Right, exactly. Yeah, I drop a 20, but I'm making more money. That's fine. But I do feel like they're the most important people in my travels. Yeah, they're really, they're good people. Yeah, and they work so much harder than everybody else. Yeah, you have to be nice.

And what they have to see is probably pretty insane. Yeah, it is. You know? Yeah. I'm sure a lot of people just think it's like a rental car or something. You can just abuse it and just walk out. I think so. I don't think people, when they're in a room, they think about that another person.

person will have to like, no, do anything in that room ever again. Right. Right, exactly. Like, that room doesn't exist after you leave. Yeah. Yeah. I try to. I try and straighten up before I go.

That's my other thing. You can do that. Towels in the bathtub are good. Like, you don't have to, it doesn't have to be neat. You just have to do stuff that could make it easier. My little easy thing, this is so stupid, but I feel like, I feel like I'm doing a good thing is I'll take all, any, towel, whatever's in the bathroom towel, like, I ball it all up and put it up on the thing so they don't have to bend over to pick up the rack.

You put it on the sink area? On the sink area. That's probably smarter, actually. Yeah, so they don't have to bend over. That's good, yeah. The other thing you can do is just like, is this like helpful. I'm sure these are helpful tips for people listening. And then trash stuff, you don't have to be crazy about it, but you can just, the big stuff

put it away. Don't leave it all scattered around the room maybe. Yeah, exactly. Organize. Organize it. Get into one spot. You don't have to vacuum. I don't bring my own.

No, you don't have to go nuts. But just know that this person is going to do all of these rooms. You don't have to make the bed either because they're going to strip the bed. Hopefully. All right, let me tell you this one. I was in San Francisco when I was staying at a okay hotel. And I was going to bed. and I got in bed and there was something

I felt something hard and I was like what the hell it was under the fitted sheet was a wooden spatula like under the sheet yeah between the mattress and the sheet

between the mattress and the sheet yeah yeah fitted there was like a wooden spatula okay there somebody was either cooking or that is a blunt object to kill someone with Yeah.

Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. And it was, and also, like, that's not something that a hotel would provide. No. So you have to bring that yourself. You have to bring that from the outside. Yeah. And why is it under the footage?

Like, why are you remaking the sheet and leaving your spatula? That's right. Yeah. Maybe the housekeepers, like, have that. That's a prank. That is a prank? Yeah. They just leave, like, egg whisks. It's like.

I was the only, the only thing. thing I could come to the conclusion was spanking. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because it was one of those flat wooden ones. That could be what it was, yeah, spanking spatula. And I was more offended. Once I conjured this up, so this was a weird spanking situation. Yeah.

Somebody brings their wooden spoon around and is now out in the world. It's very sad that they don't have it. Yeah, exactly. But I was more upset that that meant that the housekeeper didn't replace the sheet, fitted sheet. Yeah. Or she would have seen the spatula. Yeah.

So, that's tough. I quickly went from, ew, someone's ass was spanked with this wooden spoon. And then double, ooh, this, I'm laying on that same sheet. Yeah. Your ass touched their spanked ass. It's almost like you got spanked with the spatula. I got double spanked. You got double spanked.

That's tough, yeah. I did on the way out, say to the person at the front desk, uh, I did on the way out, say to the person at the front desk, I found a wooden spatula in my bed. And they just looked at me. Yeah. And like, so what do you want me to do about it? Right.

They want to blame you. They're like, well, you brought, you must have brought that spatula. We don't provide those, sir, so. Are you saying I shouldn't have winked when I said it? You shouldn't wink when you? Hey, left something for you guys. Wink.

One spatula, room 302. Yeah, I think you know what that means. Well, you are in the spanking sweet, sir. it's kind of your fault for booking that room. I did go through a thing with Marriup Bonvoy when, for some reason, when I originally joined, I mistakenly put that I want the handicap room. Okay. The accessible room.

I don't know what the right term is. So, you know, so there's no, it's like, you know, in the bathroom, there's no tub. It's just like all flat. Yeah. everything's lower, like all, like where you hang your clothes and stuff is all low for your wheelchair height. And at first I was like, this is a, this is, I shouldn't be, I'm okay. I can, I can, I can hang up here. Yeah. I don't need. Um, but then I kind of started to like it. And I didn't change it for a while. Oh, that's, that's a little on you then. You've taken that room away from, uh, then I, then I realize that.

Yeah. Then I'm like, I'm just having fun in here. like look at me I can make a mess in the bathroom the whole thing is a shower yeah you're like on your knees walking around you're like this is cool I'm picturing somebody who really needs it like trying to get into my shower across the hall yeah I realized I had to come back sorry I can't give this up this is just too much fun yeah they're like can you move no yeah so you started in uh in Seattle were you funny right away um yeah I was a I was okay at stand up I was pretty good at stand up the first couple times I did it. Yeah.

And then I got worse for a while for a few years. And then I got better again, but yeah. Why'd you get worse? I don't know. I think I was like doing first couple of times I did one-liners and that was easy to like be at home, think of something funny. Right. And I was like, oh, everybody's being conversational.

So I should do more like conversational stuff. And that took a little bit of time to like learn how to do that. And I wasn't good at that at first. Right. But yeah. it up. Now you're kind of somewhere in between. Somewhere in between, yeah. Right? What do you like more? More like short, conversational jokes.

Yeah. If they become long, naturally, like if I think of more stuff, I'll string stuff together. But I don't worry too much about telling stories, I guess. Right. Yeah, so somewhere in the middle. Right. Every joke is at least like a minute. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, that's good. Johnny over there was saying that you stole all his material. I did, yeah. I took stuff that he puts on social media and I turn it into live stand-up. That's smart. Which I thought was an okay deal that we had, but apparently he's not okay with it anymore.

I'm sorry, I thought you guys were okay. He said we were okay, but I guess, yeah. It's that Scorpio and me, you know that about him, so that's a little bit on me. Cut to you on your next show doing Scorpio jokes. I thought people in the audience, I thought you were a Pisces. John's the Scorpio. I'm going to use your espresso thing for olive oil just to eat some of your faccia. Sweet.

So you have a girlfriend? Yeah. And she bakes? Yeah, she bakes. She was working at a bakery for a little while recently, and then she quit. And then she brought home. She stole some starter. She did.

Yeah. So then she started making stuff at home. She made some English muffins that were pretty good. Nice. Yeah. Why weren't they really good? They were really good. The first round was good, and the second round was really good.

Yeah. Are you dating her just for the baking? Yeah, mostly, and then I'm trying to encourage the baking. I almost got her a kitchen aid mixer for our anniversary, which I know it sounds a little unromantic, but it's something that she wanted, but I figured out, I went against my instincts and got her something else, so.

You did? Yeah, yeah. So there's still no mixer in the house? There's no mixer in the house, yeah. She just needed everything by hand. I just watched. She becomes arthritic. Yeah.

Yeah, she has to wear one of those wrist guards, yeah. But she's good, yeah. She can make some stuff. How'd you meet her? Hinge. Yeah. That's where the cool kids go. No, I think it was more like when you're 30.

That's what you got to do. Oh, yeah. I don't know. Maybe there's other apps now, too, that people use that. I don't even know if that's popular anymore, so. How long? was it? It's three years ago.

Oh, wow. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. Do you stay with her even when she makes bad English muffins or says something irritating? And you're like, well, this could be worse. I'd have to be back on the apps. Yeah.

Well, I'd say, I don't know what app to use. Right. So we're going to have to work this out. So we have to work this out. And you also have to work things out based off my bad qualities. Because neither of us know what app to use. How old are you? 35.

35. Yeah. Yeah, you can't go back on apps. No, I'm not interested. No. Yeah. For multiple reasons, but yeah. Does she like that you're a comedian?

Yeah, she likes it. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. Does she know that the more successful you become, the less you'll see her? No, she hasn't brought that up. But maybe when she hears this, it'll be a conversation that we have. So I'm glad you said it.

Do you mean from, like, travel? Oh, okay. No, we haven't really run into that because I've only traveled a little bit since we've met. Right. Yeah. Do you want to write on shows and that kind of thing, or do you want to go do stand-up out in the world?

I'd like to do both, but I guess if I had to choose between the two, I would do stand-up, just because that's what I've been doing for longer. But I like both, yeah. Aren't you on the paper now? I'm going to be on one episode of the paper. You are? Of the second season. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, yeah. I like that show. Yeah. I wonder why no one else does. I'll ask the people that work there, yeah. We can send them an email together. I really do like it. It's really good.

Yeah. What do you play? I play a coroner. Oh, you do? Yeah. I play a corner in a scene. They have to go investigate a dead body. Nice.

Yeah. Did you use method acting? No, but that would have been smart. Yeah, it would have been good to go to some more. and figure out or like at least shadow a corner yeah yeah

I feel like if it was like me though I would mess up and I would like I would just go to a mortuary I feel like I would mess it up and go to the wrong dead guy play dead guy place yeah right I saw a hearse on the way here you did yeah

you don't see those a lot no you don't and they're the same they're always the same it's like a Cadillac I feel like right catalog makes hurses yeah maybe I don't maybe but it's always the same and I think

I feel like cyber trucks would be great for her like i think we should convert cyber trucks into herses that's a brilliant idea because they're not really nobody's using it for anything good now other than like people like plaster their small business on their cyber truck yeah yeah they wrap it yeah yeah it's like i don't know it's for businesses that you can't really comprehend either they're just yeah yeah yeah we sell bitcoin to plumbers it's like okay i don't know how to get involved with that. What if it's on the side of that?

Maybe I shouldn't call. Yeah. But those would be... No, you're right. That's a brilliant idea. I think they're structurally sound in terms of like, yeah. Perfect body size. Exactly.

I think that's maybe what it is. I've never been in one, but my dog has. Okay. The guy who watches my dog when I go away... Yeah. Has one. So my dog Bella rides in a... truck all the time. Okay. She's a big fan. I feel like there's a room. Doesn't understand why people

have a problem with it. She doesn't understand the politics and that's something you got to explain as a dog owner. Yeah. To your dog. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she's not a big fan of minorities either. Okay. Yeah. So maybe that's, you kind of embraces it. Something's never changed though. There's a limit to how much you can teach people. Or dog. Yeah. No, but you could fit a body perfectly in there. Yeah. I think so. You just press a button. Mm-hmm. There's no, like, awkward thing.

Nobody's hauling anything in those anyway, so I think a body would be the perfect thing. Nobody's, like, you know, hauling wood or building materials in those. They're clean. They're all probably clean, you know? Really clean. You can just hose them down. You hose them down, yeah. As a coroner, do you have to hose down every time the body leaves the room?

I don't know. I feel like, it does feel like a wet room where the coroner hangs out. out, right? Like this tile. It's like a pool. It's like a pool. It's a changing room of a public pool kind of. Yeah.

But I don't know. Why is that so uncomfortable? The pool? Like the changing room? Yeah. When you're in a, when you're at the public pool and you're swimming around and then you go use the bathroom and have to take your bathing suit off and then putting it back on.

That moment's very sad. I don't do that, though. I don't take it all the way off. That might be you doing that. Well, it depends on the day. Yeah. You know, sometimes. You're going all the way off.

Sometimes all the way off, just to pee at the urinal. Yeah, sure. Yeah, well, I mean, that's what little kids do. Yeah, putting back on a wet bathing suit is probably one of the saddest moments. It's sad, yeah. The sound is weird. It sounds and feels weird. It's gross in there.

I don't like the changing room. I try to spend as little time as I can in that part of the public pool area. When's the last time you were in a public pool? I don't know, like a few weeks. I go swimming sometimes. You do? Yeah, yeah. I think a few weeks ago I went.

As a workout? Yeah, as a workout. Oh, really? Yeah. How many laps do you do? I can do, I'll do it by time. So I can, like, I just went for 30 minutes the other day. But sometimes I'll go like 45 an hour.

Wow. But I'll swim slow, you know. 45 to an hour? Yeah, that's a long time. That's a long, yeah. What are you thinking about? What am I thinking about? Yeah.

It sucks. It's really boring. It's really boring. It's really not much to think. You work through your personal problems within the first 10 minutes, and then you're just like... Yeah, because at least when you're running, you can just... There's stuff coming at you. Yeah, when you're swimming, you're just like, man, this pools a lot grosser than I realized.

Yeah, it's going in my mouth. Yeah, you're like, there's kids over there that's all the same water. It's a little... You try not to think about it. Are you in a bathing cap? No, I don't wear a bathing cap. I wear shorts that aren't technically swim trunks, but they seem to work. work fine.

So not like a speedo or like a racing official thing? I don't have one of those. You're just like big baggy shorts. Pretty much, yeah. Right. I wear those. Just like champion basketball shorts. Just waiting you down.

Yeah. If you're to see a side shot, it's just all below you. Like seaweed. Yeah. How often do you do this? I don't do it that often, but I wouldn't know. Like maybe once a month if I can't. can.

Right. It's good. They say it's a really good workout. Yeah. It's nice in the summer, too, especially it's, like, so hot right now. Are you worried that if you did it more often that your shoulders would be too broad, like the Olympic guys? And they would look weird on stage?

I haven't thought about that. I do think that would be an issue for stand-up. You can be tall, but you can't be, like, broad. Yeah. I think you can be, like, tall and muscular. It can't be, like, wide and muscular to do stand-up. People don't like that. Yeah.

I think my, yeah, my concern with swimming too much is, I don't know, maybe just my stamina would increase too much. I feel like conversations would go on too long, maybe. Right. You expect the audience to be as strong as you are. Yes, and that's an issue, yeah. And I'd resent them eventually, right? For being weak. Nobody swims in here?

Nobody swims, huh? Okay, that's fine. Yeah, swimming's its own culture. Yeah, it is. So then you have to put your clothes in a locker? No. No. No, I just bring, I just...

And then you just get in the car with your wet champion pants? No, I'll change. But I don't put stuff in a locker. I just leave it in front of the lane that I'm swimming in. And I trust people. You do? I do trust people to not steal. And also, I can keep an eye on it.

I'm looking, I'm constantly surveying my bag. And if anybody gets... I say, hey, that's my bag. get away from there when you're in an airport and you are by yourself and you just have your backpack or your wheelie bag

will you how far from that location will you walk leaving it there honestly this is not I'm because I'm brown I don't I two feet is too far for me to leave my bag anywhere I'm paranoid

I don't leave them I don't I don't I'd never leave my bag anywhere. Because being brown, you think they're going to blame you? Yeah, I don't think they're going to have as much patience for me leaving my bag. Right. So I keep it pretty close to me. My mom, my 80-year-old white mom, she could leave her bag, go do one of those massage things, go into the bathroom, stop, get a coffee, come back. They're like, oh, it's her.

It's fine. You go two feet from the bag. No, there's dogs. There's an alert sent out. Yeah. Do you feel that when you're in the airport? Just with the bag. Just the bag.

I'm just... Go through security. Security is every... I don't love it, but I have TSA pre-check now. Right. So I feel entitled when I walk through. Right. If they open my bag and I'm walking through TSA pre-check, I turn into a Karen, basically.

You do? Well, I'm like, I make a scene. I should. I mean, but in my mind, I'm making a huge scene. Right. But I'm like, what, it's tooth. It's like, I should be allowed to bring big toothpaste if I'm pre-checked, you know. Why am I, why can't I bring that?

It's, you know, but it's shoes on, that's nice, you know. The faccia's pretty good. Yeah. It needs to be dressed up. Okay. Well, like, what, rosemary? A little rosemary, maybe. Sea salt?

Maybe some sea salt. Okay. Yeah. Maybe drizzle some olive oil on it. Okay. I'll report that back to the place. Yeah. I can see that they make sandwiches out of it.

because it's thin. Yeah. My thing, I want to make it like that puffy. You ever see the big thick facacia? Yeah, that's nice. I mean, I guess we stack these three on top of each other. Tie them together. Put a toothpick there on.

You'll probably be all right. Where do you perform in town? Last time I saw you, we were at Largo. That was your first time at Largo. No, I'd been there a couple times before that, yeah. That's my favorite place to perform. Yeah. But other than that, you know, it's just.

you perform wherever people are putting on a show. It's like wine shop or whatever, you know. Right. Back porch of a chili. Yeah, but I never know what to say because I don't, I guess I just do it. Whatever comes up. Yeah, whatever comes up.

How many times do you get up a week? I try to do it at least like three times a week, whether it's an open mic or a show or something. Yeah. Yeah. If I'm really busy, still like three times, yeah. Yeah, that's good. If I can do more, I'd like to.

Yeah. Do you ever go to New York? Yeah, I went there at the end of last year, but just for a couple days. I was just doing, I put on my own show there. And then I did a couple shows around town, but yeah. Right. But it would be fun to be there and just do stand-up all the time. Yeah. I feel like I'd get a lot better.

Yeah, it's just such a, yeah. I mean, three times a week is great. But if you're in New York and you can. do six times a week. It's just that much better. Yeah. You can really develop an idea. How are we going to break this to your girlfriend? She'll come. She will? Yeah, I asked her. I was like, would you go to New York? And she said, yeah, I could go to New York. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good. So there's a future. Yeah. Would you want to do it? Would you go to New York? I don't want to right now. It was hard enough to move to L.A. I just feel like I got my legs.

So moving again sounds horrible, but I would do it. I was thinking about that. Yeah. I was thinking about that. Yesterday, I was in my garage and I was throwing a whole bunch of stuff out. This is the first time I think all year that I've been home for two weeks in a row, which is like, when you're around that long, you start to realize like, oh, I guess I should throw these magazines out. You know what I mean? Like stuff you don't pay attention to when you're coming in and out. And I was in my garage throwing a bunch of stuff out. And I was like, this is really how you should live.

I was just throwing shit out that it's just been in there for years. Yeah. I was like, I should really, I don't know if this is cold or not. I don't know if my wife would be down with this philosophy, but you should live like you're always about to move. You know what I mean? I do know what you mean. I've lived that way for years.

Right. Because I hate moving. And so I'm like, I'm not going to accumulate anything. I'm going to keep throwing. If I'm not using it, I throw it away. Yeah. I hate a, I'm the opposite of a hoarder. That's so great.

Yeah. And it works for you. It's working, it worked in the past. now, like, moving into any place, it's, we need to clean out our stuff. And so I'm the one that's like driving the conversation. I'm like, we got to get, and my stuff too. I'm not just talking about your stuff. Like, yeah, like, get rid of all of it. Like, if someone said, or you have to move at the end of the week, I'd be like, holy cow, I've got so much stuff. I know. I want to be when they say, you've got to move at the end of the week. I'm like, I'm already packed.

Yeah. Yeah. Like a teepee. They were notoriously easy to pack up and change locations. Right. That's why they did it? I think so, yeah, to like follow Buffalo. Can we check that on Claude? This is like Joe Rogan. Perplexity.

You know, as I said TP, I was like, I shouldn't have talked about this? I'm out of my death. Why did I bring this up? Yeah, let's check it out. Yeah, where would they put their clothes in a TP? Just in a pile? Or they just wear it?

They probably just had one outfit. I think minimal, yeah, minimal clothing probably. Yeah, I would assume. Right. Do you ever think of doing that? Minimal clothing? Yeah, like one outfit. Like maybe three jumpsuits.

Like a uniform. I could do not three, but I could do a week. Or no, no. Let's say nine days because I want to do laundry. Right. Nine and just own those nine and that's good. Right. But I need to wear clean clothes.

I don't like the feeling of re-war. wearing a shirt or... How often do you wash your jeans? Be honest. I'll be honest. I wash them at least every two weeks. Every two weeks. Pants, shirts, underwear socks every week, obviously.

Pants, I take a little bit of time because... You can wear jeans multiple times. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, and I feel like it's not water efficient to just keep washing your pants all the time. The other day I put on a pair of jeans and I found a dog bone in it. And I thought they were new. They thought they were new.

Did it bring back a memory? I was like, oh. And I was like, wonder if Hitler kept bones in his pockets. Yeah, well, for his dog, maybe. Yeah, it's good to have them on hand. Who's, why did you have a bone? I got dogs. It was a little treat for the dog.

Oh, is it, I never owned a dog. So is it the type of bone that they chew on? or the type of bone that's like a snack? That they eat. A treat, yeah. Yeah, that they eat and devour. Yeah. I'm just hesitating because I just saw a comic

who has this great joke about dog bones. I don't want to step on it. Okay. It's so funny. I'll tell you off there, but it's so good. But no, this was one of those just little treat ones that they eat and then swallow. Okay.

So your dog didn't get this one. No, they probably misbehaved. Yeah. I was probably like... You're being withholding. All right, you're not going to do it? I'm not going to... And just marched off.

Yeah. And then who gets punished, you for... Me. Watching... Or actually, eventually, they win anyway because I took it and gave it to them. Yeah. Like, what am I going to do with it?

He's like, where'd you get this? Like, I don't know. That's from last time. This seems old. Yeah. We want a fresh one. Come on, man. My, uh...

Yeah, I don't recommend getting dogs. I mean, if you... If you live on a farm... or something, I'd say do it. Yeah. But, you know, we have a pretty nice house in a nice carpet. And my pug last night was, just had his little pug ass on the carpet, all legs up and just spinning like a top just to rub his ass on it, just to take care of whatever was going on

in there. That's crazy. I don't even know how to move like that. I know. Yeah, that's crazy. Imagine if you could sit on your ass and hold your legs and twirl. Yeah. It's got amazing actually.

You wouldn't have to do comedy anymore. No, I wouldn't. I just do that all day. And I get it. I mean, he's got a project. He's something's going on. But it's on my carpet. Yeah, not to be gross, but I, not to get too into it, but I get it when dogs want to do stuff like that.

Yeah. It's a, the feeling I can empathize with, I guess. Yeah. I mean, it's gross. But you were right. You shouldn't have to live with it. No. Shouldn't have to.

It's always a tradeoff of how much. How much value, is the value of the cuddling offset all of the disgusting. Yeah. And annoying. What else is gross about the dog? I mean, picking up poop is gross, I think. And then do they slobber? Maybe slobber.

Yeah, they drool all over. They see you eating and then they want to eat and they communicate that by leaking spit out of their mouths onto your floor. Yeah. As if that's going to make you want to help them. Right. Well, that's not appetizing for me. Now I don't want to eat. Maybe that is it.

They're like, well, I don't want to eat so you can have the food now. Yeah. We have two dogs. We have a pug that's little and then a black lab. Okay. And a lot of times the black lab will put her tongue in the pug's butt. Okay. I was going to ask if they play well together.

It sounds like they do. We're having a blast. It sounds like they're doing good. Sounds like they have a... They're having a blast. Good dynamic. Yeah. That's another gross thing.

Yeah. The smell you get used to, though, I think, right? Yeah. Yeah. You don't smell that anymore. Yours... I don't know. I hope I do.

Yeah? You know? Because when people visit, I'm always kind... Like, I don't want to smell like a dog. Yeah. But the house probably smells a little bit like a... It's just... That's normal.

Everybody who has dogs... There's going to be a dog. smell, I think. Oh, geez. Yeah. Sorry, sorry to break it to you. I know it's the most obvious thing, but if my dog's twirling around on his ass on the carpet, it's got to smell different than a house that doesn't have that.

Yeah, that you might want to, at least visually, you might want to take care of that and be like, I don't know if this smells bad, but it looks weird, so. People come over for dinner parties and the dog is just doing that. Yeah. And you're like, this is what he does? Yeah, isn't he cute? Yeah. Isn't he great?

I feel like, yeah, cute. There is a definite dog person thing. People that have dogs think it's hilarious and great. People that don't think, how do you live with this? Yeah, yeah. Like if a dog came up to you, if you come over and my black lab comes up, there's a very licky dog. Yeah.

And licks your face. I can deal with that. The slobber, like lots of slobber on my, you know, whatever, my hand or whatever, that can bother me. Yeah. I'm not used to that. Because it's like dog people won't get up and watch. wipe that off. I'll wipe it off. I'll wipe it off like with my shirt at least. On their couch.

I'm like, yeah. I feel like I'm entitled. Yeah, I do. You say that, but I do feel entitled to wipe it off. You know what? People probably hate this. I wipe it off on the dog. I do that too. I put it right on her head. Whatever, you licked me. It goes and going back on you. I don't think dog people like me saying that. No, no. But that's the difference. At least you know that you're not a dog person. I like dogs. I'm going to get one one day, but it's got to be hypoallergenic. So that'll be tough. But I'll get one one day.

Yeah. I don't want to be, I kind of, I'm self-conscious about being in my 30s and then getting a dog and then not having kids. And just being like, well, we have this dog and then we treat it like a child. It's our baby. It's not a baby. It's not a baby. I know. It's okay to love it.

But, you know. I was in a resort last week and this couple, young couple, came walking by with a stroller. And I was like, ah, and looked in and it was a dog. Yeah. And I went, oh, oh. Yeah, it's disappointing. It was really disappointing. That's not what those are for.

Yeah. That's not why they built that. Yeah. Yeah. Or like a baby. It would be like dogs in like baby Bjorns sometimes, stuff like that. Yeah. It's a little disappointing to see that.

Yeah. Because even if you like dogs, you're like, well, let it walk, you know. Dogs already, like, don't get enough exercise. Like, no dogs are getting exercise. Right, exactly. Just being, like, brought around. Yeah. That's what I'm concerned about.

If I get a dog, I need it to, like, it would be cool to have time, at least to take it to the park and just, like, really run it. Yeah. Because I don't think, which I think is unrealistic. I don't think people have time for that. That's the thing. Like my sister lives in New York State and has like a lot of land and it's like that's where a dog should be Yeah Yeah needs to sprint like every day

My black lab is like it's built for running we brought it to a dog beach once and just watching her run was nuts Yeah And that was eight years ago yeah You still look at videos of that you're showing it to the dog eight years ago ago. Remember this? Remember how much fun you had? She's so bored. Just licking the other dog's asshole. It's a coping mechanism. I guess I'll do this. I can't run. I'm not allowed to run anywhere. You're so right. When you see dogs at the beach, they go, it's insane. So happy. And they're so happy. And you're like, this is this kind of what you're supposed to be doing every day. But I guess I keep you safe from predators. So it's fine. Yeah, that's true. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. My daughter has a rat.

habit. I don't recommend that because the only airline you can fly with it in your bag is Alaska Air. Okay. That's not the one I expected. Yeah. Spirit would let you do it. I was going to say like, Frontier maybe. Back in the day. Spirit was like, bring whatever you got. Just please buy a ticket. You can bring anything onto the plane. That was their deal. Yeah, totally. But Alaska is, yeah they're the only ones so we're going to bring my daughter back to school with this rabbit and we've got to just fly Alaska because

American won't let us bring a rabbit on. You can put them in cargo. Yeah, but that's tough. And also it's such a small animal. Maybe you don't want to put it in cargo. Yeah, and rabbits have heart attacks a lot. Oh, okay, yeah. They get scared.

Yeah, I need to be there to kind of make sure it's okay. How would you felt if you were on this flight that I was on? I was on a flight coming from New York to L.A. and the pilot came on and said, we're sorry, but we're going to have to land in Chicago because we're getting a high-temperature reading in the cargo hold, and there's a gerbil down there.

And I just don't feel comfortable. It might be misreading or whatever, but that's a little hot. So we're going to land the plane in Chicago, check it out, refuel. Hopefully there's a gate, and then continue on. What do you think?

in your head when you hear that announcement. I'm not going to be the guy to say no in that situation. I'm not going to be the guy that speaks up. It's like, can we not do that, actually? Can we take the risk? If I'm the person who owns the gerbil, I totally get it. But my thing is, in that situation, I just don't, like, they tell you so much. The pilot tells you so much information now, and they don't have to do that.

Right. Whether it's that or, like, refueling or, like, technical problems, it's like, I just, it's fine. I assume you guys have this under control. There's nothing I can do with this information. You make the call. Yeah, you make the call. If you think a gerbil is important enough, like, don't give me that information. Yeah.

Now we're having a debate back here. What are we voting? Like, am I supposed to press the call button if you think that's okay? Right. Who says, let's roll the dice and see if the gerbil makes it? We're going to, we're going to blindfold everyone. If there was a vote on the plane of 200 people, how many people say, say just gun it for LA.

99% How many people say, let's land in Chicago and see if Mr. Peoples is ready. It's okay. I see 90% are going to say, let's take the risk on it. And I think the other 10% probably, yes,

I could see some people not wanting to do that. Right. And I get it. I get it if you're in that category. 90%, yeah. It's like it's a life is a life, you know? Yeah, it's one of those situations where you're, in your mind,

you're inconvenienced, but you can't say it out loud because. yeah i will say now that i think about i am a little cold about that stuff because the my first thought because there was i was on a flight recently and somebody you know they're like is it is there a doctor on board it was somebody was having a medical problem and my first thought wasn't like i hope this person is okay i was like i hope they don't have to land right i hope this is like not that serious yeah so maybe i'm the wrong person to ask no you're exactly the right person to ask because uh yeah and then i've even had the darker thought of if

they don't make it, we still don't have to land. No, you don't. Because they're not, what's their family? It's another hour. Yeah, and their family's going to have to pick them up in Chicago. Yeah, they were waiting for them in L.A. Yeah. And we're going to deliver.

And like their whole family showed up. Welcome back. Welcome back from New York. Yeah. They were gone for a long work. Even though we're delivering bad news, it's better than saying you got to go to Chicago. You have to go to Chicago, yeah. Now you have to fly.

Yeah, if I was the fan, if I was the family, you should have brought him here for sure. That's fine. Just put a towel over him or something. If I die on a plane, bring me to my destination. If it was something, even if it was like a dog, I think more people would be like, okay, but just saying the word gerbil, it made a lot of people just like, you heard a lot of, oh. Yes. You could just say a pet, even, if you're going to give information, just say a pet. A life.

Yeah. There's a life down there. You know, maybe he didn't want to land. And so he was saying that just to be like, guys, I mean, this is technically I got to land. But we all know, like, I mean, if you guys really make a fuss, I mean, I don't have to do it. I mean, I'll hear you out. If anyone's got a tight connection. Because you don't know what's in that car.

There's a lot of, as a coroner, you know. Yes. A lot of times there's dead bodies down there. That's true. Wait, really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, because you die in California, but you're going to be.

be buried in New Jersey. Okay. They put you in cargo. Wow. And you don't see those people come through the carousel. They must have a separate... In a golf bag. I also don't see that like, because I'll watch the baggage handlers.

Like I don't see them like throwing the tossing coffins into the... No, it's its own thing. Okay. Got it. Yeah. That's insane. I didn't know that. It is, uh, transportation is a modern marvel.

It's interesting how things get to where they are. It is amazing. Yeah. I was in Florida, and I was coming to L.A. And my opening act and my tour manager were going to New York, and it was a blizzard in New York, and no flights were getting out. And I was just took off to Sunny California and texting with them. It was like, I was like, just go into town, get a room, and ride it out.

You know, you're not flying for at least a day. And every single flight was canceled, but their flight. excuse me, they got out. Whoa. And all I could think was what is on that plane? Yeah, something important. Something really important. Yeah.

More important than my opening act and tour manager has to get to New York today. Yeah, you're like, it's definitely not you, trust me. It's got to be something, yeah. There's got to be gold. Yeah. You got to hope there's 20 gerbils on that plane. Yeah, they're transporting a couple van goes. Right, exactly.

20 gerbils. The pilot's like, hey, I don't need to tell you guys this, but I'm going to tell you there's 20 gerbils on the plane. We should not be flying into Nor'Easter, but we got to go for it. Yeah, we got to do it. Where's your next gig? Next gig. Big or small? I probably a small thing.

I don't know off the top of my head, but I'm sure I'm going to do a local show eventually, or like maybe this week or next in L.A., but I'm going to open for Anthony Jesselnik in December. Oh, nice. Where are you doing that? San Diego and Phoenix, I think, are the two places. So December 18th and 19th, I think. I don't know why I'm promoting. He's his shows.

There's probably like somebody listening to this. Like, why you're going to do my show in a week and a coffee shop. Yeah, I thought you're going to be on my show in Largo next week. That's just off the top of my head. It's funny thinking of Anthony in San Diego. Why? It's like picturing Dave Attal in like Boca. Hawaii.

Yeah. Like certain acts, you're like, no, you're too dark for that place. Yeah, yeah, you need to be. Anthony has a little, you can see him kind of a little more sunny than. Yeah, he'll be surfing before his side. He'll be stand-up paddleboarding in the bay. Yeah. Yeah, I get that.

Oh, that's good. Who else you're opening for? Just him. Just him. That's the only opening shows that I have right now. Nice. Yeah. All right.

Well, hopefully we'll work together at some point. That'd be cool. I make it a thing that we have like a little meter on the stage. And you could only be as funny as a six out of ten. Okay. And if it gets up to a seven, it'll flash. Is this like a mechanical? Is like a machine?

Yeah. My tour manager is on the back with a remote. Okay. And if your laughs get too big, we want you to tone it down a little bit. Okay. As long as you're cool with that. That shouldn't be an issue for me. I don't think I'll be breaching a four.

You're good. I might be the right person for you. How can people keep track of you? How are you with your social media life? Pretty good, actually. I mean, I don't like it, but I do it a okay job. Mostly on Instagram. You can follow me on Instagram.

Should I say my handle? Yeah, go ahead. You don't seem thrilled about me. No, I am thrilled. Do you put up stand-up clips or do you do other stuff? Yeah, I do a mix of stuff. It's not just stand-up. Sometimes if I have like a thread or whatever, a tweet that's funny, I'll do that.

Or if I do a sketch with somebody, I'll do that. I try to mix it up so it's not just like all stand-up. Right. Not for any reason other than just like I like doing other stuff. Yeah, yeah. I posted an animation I made recently. I animated a joke that I did from the Netflix filming that you hosted. So sometimes if I have time, I'll do it.

How'd you animate it? I use a program called Clip Studio, but it's, you know, hand-drawn frame by frame, yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, yeah. So when I have time, I do stuff like that too. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. That's creative.

And do you do that kind of animation stuff because that's what John was doing and you took it from him? Yeah. Yeah, well, he's been a big influence. When I say influence, I mean, I steal all this stuff. You know what they say, like the best artist steal? Yeah, that's what they say. I've never met a good artist or stole. I'm like, every time I see an artist steal, I'm like, you're just doing that guy's stuff.

That sucks. Yeah. No, it's just an influence, that's all. Yeah, I guess so. Well, thank you for the fukasha. That was very nice. Welcome. Thanks for the bread and the cookies.

Yeah, you're welcome. Um, maybe eat them before you get to your, um, to your girlfriend. Because if, uh, she's a really good baker, I don't want her judging too much. I'll save a half for her. All right. I'll eat over in the crumbs. I'll be like, Tom just didn't want you enough of cookie. This is gross.

Yeah. Sorry. I'm so sorry. We can't do it. Um, but yeah, come back anytime. It was really, uh, I'm glad we made this happen. Yeah. Thanks, man.

And, um, I guess, uh, good luck on the Anthony show in December. Yeah, thanks. Hopefully we can sell some tics. All right, we got it, kids.