Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 10 : Valentines Day Special

Episode Date: February 14, 2019

Episode 10 : Valentines Day Special by Brian and James F**K Each Other

and we're back hey it's brian and james but fuck each other what's up i thought we were when you doing hand stuff you didn't specify but yes hello welcome to brian and james fuck each other it's valentine's day yes it is um what's your plans for valentine's day brian i don't i didn't think this far as well well tell you what you're doing to find the one are you i am yeah hopefully that well actually i know ray darcy's doing a valentine's day special i've told you about when i try to get on ray darcy yeah no all right well please um about two years ago There was a thing on Rent-a-Comic, which is like the Irish comedy Facebook group kind of thing. Yeah, given the listeners, just a look behind the curtain there.

Yeah, it's the glamour all at all at all. I'll say, let's cut it out. They shouldn't know about Rent a comic. It's a bit too exclusive for any old Dick and Harry. So anyway, they put up this thing saying, like, if you want to be a guest on the Ray Darcy show, email us with an embarrassing thing or kind of like funny Valentine's Day story. Ah, okay. So I called them up yet. and they said you have any stories and I said well have one story it's probably a bit too much

I give you a tamer story and they said no go with the ones bit too much and I said okay well and you know this like a couple years ago I shoved a wine bulb a girl's fanny yes I do I remember that yeah yeah and just like last dinner party I ever went through yeah I said don't leave James so yeah I was with this girl and you know one thing they're doing her both kind of a little drunk and she said you want to put that in with fanny and I said, okay, and I put wine bottle in her fanny. So you told that story to... The researcher.

Okay. Even as I was saying, I was like, okay, this will get her to laugh, and then we'll move on to like a more tame story. Okay. And then she said, no, we want that. Can you... Is there any way to clean that story up a little bit? And I was like, yeah, I can like, obviously, I can like, insinion.

Instead of saying, like, I shoved a wine bulb or a cunt, you know. And then the decanter, the bitch. Go on. It was a 78. No, I can just kind of like, you know, I put the wine bottle in, you know, kind of innuendo the whole thing. Okay, yeah. A more Mrs. Brown's boys kind of taken the whole thing. Yeah, yeah.

And she was like, yeah, that's perfect. And I was like, you sure is like, yeah, perfect, we'll get back to you. And then a couple of days passed. I'm like, I told my friends, I'm going to be on Ray Darcy, you know. You were kind of like advertising to the world. Yeah. You're going to leave it all behind, you shit munchers. Yeah, I'm going to the big leagues.

I left my job. I burnt all my bridges. I'm a Darcy boy now. Yeah, yeah. So then she calls back and she's like. And this is literally, like, the day before. Okay. She's like, oh, sorry, Ray doesn't want to do your story.

Oh. Yeah. Heartbreaking. What did you say? And I was like, oh, no, I can do a different story. And she's like, uh, no. And now I was like kind of really fast. It's going, no, I've done other things as well.

Like, one time I went on a day out if I lost my glass. And she's like, no, it's not good enough. Oh, Jesus. And she hung up with me. That's heartbreaking. Yeah. So now Valentine's Day has been tainted for you because of that traumatic memory. It's ruined Valentine's Day.

Ray Darcy has ruined Valentine's Day for you. I have a kind of fantasy of, you know, sneaking into the studio recording someday and just throwing that wine bottle of his head. That specific one. Did you keep it? No. Give it to you afterwards. That'd be weird. No, yeah.

I went in the bin, but it would be good. Did you recycle? Oh, you're a monster. You're a monster. That is the worst part of it. That's the part that are going to get people triggered. Yeah, yeah. That's probably why I didn't get on Ray Darcy.

I didn't mention the whole recycling Of course Darcy's very green Everyone knows that These days you can get done for anything Yeah just something as innocuous As inserting glass Into a woman's orifice

You've never done that James No I've never done that No I haven't lived Have you any Valentine's Day stories No no real Valentine's Day stories I tell you Have you ever noticed though That around Valentine's Day

Kind of the day before And Valentine's Day itself there are certain promotions that like businesses do for lonely people like porn hub will give you a free subscription and uh McDonald's will give you like uh two big max for the price of one oh that's sad subway will give you like a you know i don't know whatever they're just they're really catering to lonely people out yeah yeah that's subway joke because it's reference to jarrid in case of course yes yes some i forget some listeners don't snow The history of Jared.

Google Jared from Subway. You're in for a real treat. Personally, I take issue with all those companies doing that because what you're doing is they're just creating an ease of access to the reasons that I'm single, giving me more like porn and fast food. Really? Yeah.

I can't find a woman, but I can have a fucking six-inch McWank and a fapuccino. Yes, I'll have cries with that. So, yeah, Valentine's Day is very sad for me, very sad holiday. The free porn hub subscription doesn't help. No, it doesn't. I'm just so desensitized now. Have you done the porn hub subscription?

No, God, no. I've done it. Have you? No, they gave you a free month. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I haven't done it. So I signed on to it just for the crack. That's good crap.

And I'm not sad. So I went on to it and I canceled that for like two days. It was like, uh, what's the point of this? Yeah, like, what is actually the point of pain? What do you get? You see more porn? Okay. As if like someone's like, does not enough porn.

how much more can they actually show you though there's more porn than there is pixels in the sky that's a thing is it more adventurous porn if you pay I don't know I didn't go on to I just kind of looked at like some of the premium videos and it's like the exact same I was like this is boring

I thought you get something else like you can kind of like talk to some of them or you know get to have phone sex with them or something or at least they give you like a 30 minute phone call that one of them used to what you do and they're like oh drugs just to numb the pain Wow, cool

This is why I get my subscription Move over Netflix Worth every penny No, I've never done the porno subscription I don't bother that I don't think I will That's for like a different tier of loneliness Although I know you can actually

There is a thing, a service you can do Where you can like customise porn Okay It's called it where you can go like For a certain price you know like Okay I want you two girls to Let's say Play Yu-Giot

With each other Oh my God and then put mustard on your tits be like really specific and for a certain price the girls will do that like how do you know that

have you done that before as well I listen to a John Ronson you know John Ronson do you the music guy well maybe that's a different maybe it's a different dog yeah I'm thinking of a different John

okay there's some guy he did the men who stare at goats he does like documentaries oh okay and he did a radio documentary about these kind of people

and it's kind of sad because he was saying like you get the funny ones where it's like, I want you to dress up like Thomas a tank. Okay, yeah, yeah. Kind of playful. Yeah, and then you get some of them where it's like, the guy's like, I want you to say, don't do it.

Oh, my God. I want you to say, you're respected. That kind of thing, I guess, like, some of the girls like, oh, best past number to Samaritan. Yeah, yeah, Jesus. Wow. You somehow managed to make porn depressing. Happy Valentine's Day.

Porn's the least. depressing thing ever and you've ruined it oh it's what it's not I was I was being facetious we talked about that you've been facetious will be the death of this part any things I do will be the death

I think in the Valentine's Day I want to talk about Lee Mason's whole racist and I use racist in airports that's a good segue there Brian I was that was nice well I want to just jump into it like because everyone's talking about I want to talk about now before it kind of

becomes like a dead issue like, but do you know much about to sleep recently thing? Yes, I do. What do you think? Well, from what I hear, he confessed to having sort of violent urges to kill a black guy because apparently a black guy raped his friend.

Yeah. And he confessed having a bad thought 30 years ago. And then he decided to not do, like, commit an act of violence and he sought help and he talked about it. And then he just admitted it. So, yeah, I think he's being vilified. That makes him a cunt. Yeah, do you know what I

Like, obviously, he's not a racist, like, and how dare you ever insult Lee Neeson? And Lee Neeson is better than you will ever be. Have you seen that picture of him hugging a black baby? Of course I have. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I had that before the whole controversy. I wake up and more looking down and go, like, hey, maybe I should do that.

So, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think we're both in agreement that it's completely ridiculous. He's being vilified. And, like, the big thing that people are mentioning is, like, he said, black, he didn't say black bastards. He said black bastards. That's one black guy. Okay. And he's from the north. Yes. So in a north, that's considered like hippie, dippy shit. Like, only one to kill one black guy. What a, yeah, yeah, true. The north are really racist, like. Yeah, they are. The north are pretty fucked up in a lot of ways. We, I know multiple people from the north who are racist, like.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah, I know one or two as well. I know one lad who's telling me, like, and he was telling me, like, and he was telling me, without any kind of sense of like this is a joke who's telling me how he saw a black man's cock in the changing room with the gym once and he tried to sue it's just as bad like he said he had to leave because he was so disgusted he was so disgusting he was so disgusted which obviously means he's afraid like so like that's an idea like in places like in duny gall black panther was a horror film a cautionary tale of what's to come of why we should stop them now Helter-skelter, baby Yeah, yeah, no, it's true

Plus it was 40 years ago Like, not defending racism But again, people just... There's no racism People like jump, like, even like Trevor Noah was saying Like, to hear the story How, like, Lane Neeson tried

to kill a black man It's like, no, he didn't. No, he taught about killing him. It's tall crime. Thought crime, yeah. It's Orwell. Yeah, and thought crime that he recognised to be wrong

And he stopped himself And he went and got help And talked about it, like... It's such bollocks, Like, if Martin Luther King was alive today, he'd be spinning his grave. He would. Like, he understands this isn't a real issue. Like, he wouldn't care about that.

He'd care more about the other. I have a dream. No, of course that. It's just a very famous speech. Yeah, yeah. A damn good speech, too. You keep talking with that, you're going to get killed by the CIA. Topical.

I'm just trying to get a pardon and take him four. Going to get in with Liam Mason. Yeah, yeah. I'm hedging my bets, that's all. Yeah, you do the fights around him. He said he wanted to tax him with a car. Kosh? Do you know what Kosh is?

No, what's a kosh? It's a weapon. That's what he, in the interview he said, I want to go, I was going around hoping someone attacked me so good, like killing away a kosh. Okay. This is interesting now.

Okay, I'm not, we don't want to get inside a lot minded Lee Nason, but Akash is a weapon, all right? Yes. It's a black, phallic weapon. Oh, yeah. Okay, so again,

you feel that it's sort of coming from Dick's eyes on Liam Neeson's part. I'm just saying that's an idea, like, okay. I've never heard of a kosh before. very Freudian of you, Brian. Well, go on. Frasering of me. Have you ever heard of Cot?

No, never heard. Never heard the word in my life, to be honest. I bet you no one had until he said that interview. I thought I said Cod. And then the interviewer actually came out after her. She was like, uh, maybe we shouldn't like. Like, she was defending the bit as well going like, hey, when he said it wasn't like he was like fucking punching a wall or something like that.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. She actually probably felt pretty bad after that, I imagine. Yeah, yeah. Also, it was during a press junket. for cold pursuit. Yeah, it's his new film. Yeah.

Yeah. Can you imagine how bored you'd be during those press junkets? So, what, he just wanted to spice it up with a little bit of race hit. He's been asked the same kind of question, like, what made you want to do his film? And obviously, like, it's money. Well, let me tell you. 40 years ago, a friend of mine was res. Sorry, Lee, I'm going to have to stop you there now.

We're just asking about the art direction. All right, if you'll permit me, sir. So anyway. Let's black guy. Someone cut the mic. look, get off of me, got the fuck, I! Yeah, so. Okay, Mr. Neeson, and do you want me to put all that in interview?

Gosh, every word. Yeah, so. If I was doing, like, because obviously the answer is I did it for the money. Yeah. But you have to, like, come up with some answers for, like, why you decide to choose to do cold pursuit. I'd get so bored, I'd just start denying the Holocaust. That is your go-to, isn't it? Let's, uh, let's ruffle a few feathers here.

There's Holocaust desire. There's a Holocaust desire in everyone. There's a Holocaust survivor in DKIT, the college I go to recently. I'm annoyed I missed him. Yeah. Obviously, you didn't get to see him talk? No, because I missed a few classes that week already. I don't want to push it by going to see the Holocaust survivor.

Well, I wish I did. It'd be very interesting. I imagine it would be. It's good to know that survivors now can get, like, they can make a career. Make a career while I've going to DKIT. took one look around. He's like, let me back

to the concentration kit. He's like, this is the second worst place I've ever been to. Why do you guys also have a room

full of shoes out of context that makes no sense? And it's done dogs well to some people like, I didn't really understand

what the problem was. Now, before anyone gets annoyed, I went to DKK a damn fine institution. I have nothing but good memories. But yeah.

Yeah. going to go on DKOT, it's a very, um, I recommend everyone go to at some stage. It's very emotional and powerful to stand there and think, oh my God. This is where men are made. Your dreams are moulded. You're a fucking man. I was going to talk to something else. Oh, do you want to get political?

Ooh, yeah, let's do it. Yeah, let's move away from the Holocaust. Yeah, yeah, because that's that political. So the children's hospital. Okay. Have you heard about this? They're trying to build a children's hospital, okay. Simon Harris is involved.

He's a minister for health. Yes. And bear on mind, we've got a nurse's strike going on, okay? Uh-huh. Yeah. So they had a particular price. I can't give you exact figures. They've had a particular price for what the hospital's going to cost.

Okay, so they had a budget of money that they can spend on the hospital. And then it ballooned. It went like three times the size. Oh, God, really? And it turns out Simon Harris, the minister, okay? This is real prime time talk now. It turns out he knew about it a month ago. Didn't tell anyone.

Oh, kept it under the hat, did he? Yeah. Sneaky. now they're saying he should resign because of it. And so what is the controversy comes from the fact that the budget has inflated so much? That and the fact that he kept shum. And

all the while the nurses are given out that there isn't enough money. Yeah, going right? Okay, okay. So, I mean, how is this affected then the strikes or what's... The thing is, it's just going to keep going. The money, I think now, because I did a big research, and this is a bit where I get

a bit worried, because we see a lot of inflammatory things on this show. Okay. I think we call, do we call... RT, Satanic Bidophiles. We didn't call Gayburn a pedo? No. Okay, right. Well, I did now. Not directly.

All right, well, I am. But, like, and off the podcast are even worse. But, like, this is the thing. So I did a bit of research. So the company involved in the Children's Hospital is a company called Bam Construction. Okay. Not to be confused with Bam from Jackass. Bam, Marj.

You're going to just build a fucking children. hospital, dude, it's going fucking awesome. Yeah, the budget's fucking gone crazy, man, but I'm going to shove this thermometer at my fucking ass, bro. Yeah. So, yeah, not to be confused with him. That's a doubt, right, which is a different construction

company. So I did a bit of research. Apparently, they're corrupt. Oh, bomb construction are corrupt. Yeah, yeah. Now, this is where I worry, because other people in public eye can talk and like dwarfs can sue us. Yes. But companies like this are way more

powerful than Gay Byrne. I couldn't imagine such power. What? Really? So they could very easy. You ever see the film Michael Clayton? No. It's a George Clooney movie that's good to start and it ends dumb. Okay. That film is all about big companies. If you piss them off, they'll hire some guys,

they'll break into your house, they'll inject you as something, makes you look like a heart attack. Ah, or yeah, you get suicided. Yeah, suicide. Yeah, yeah. You end up, you know, like, you know, shoot yourself in back of the head nine times. he must have been so unhappy nine times that guy had some demons oh well you know something i always knew he'd go out like that it's always the happy ones who have everything to live for whatever yeah so they've done like you know i'd say they're shaving money off the budget okay okay and simon harris is

either involved or he's too much of a pussy to make him stop like so he knows if he says anything he's gonna get got Oh, so you think this company are sort of embezzling? Lots of money, yeah. And apparently they had a car park that collapsed somewhere else. A multi-store car park collapsed. Right. Okay. And this is all from comments in the journal, by the way.

Okay. I've done no research on this. Wait, the comment section in the journal? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was by a guy called N-word 420. Okay. All right, go on. But, yeah, so, like, they've embezzled other money in cork and stuff like that.

in other construction stuff so it's all a big scam and it's a taxpayer who's going to get fucked in the end and Simon Harris as well okay he's a young lad he's like probably about your age James like he's like I think he's like

just 30 or under 30 really yeah he used to be called the baby of the doll okay which is what they call him when they're raping him it's the only ways we could get hard I get that sure yeah yeah yeah so like he's either like these guys

he's not like he's in any way like knows how to build a children's hospital. Okay, yeah. He just got elected. He's just very good at playing the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting.

Okay, well, I just want to go on record and say, I agree with nothing that Brian just said, don't need to suicide me, guys, I'm all for it. I embezzle away. I almost hope Bam, kill me. Bam, Arjail. Oh, God, Bam's killing himself at the moment. Yeah, he is, Jesus. This big puffy face.

Maybe that's Bam or after Bam. Take of that. They got done. by accident. Oh, okay. So that's my conspiracy of the week. Okay, I like that

though. That's interesting. Yeah. I'm going to do more research and if anyone knows anything or to have like secret documents to want to send me. I want to break a story.

We're going to be like Woodward and Bernstein over here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I want to get breaking into the doll at night with flashlights like, blah, blah,

I want to crack this case. We like pull a mask off, Leo. And it's a reptile. Yeah. Actually, see as well, Leo went on Operation Transformation. Did he?

Yeah, so he's like 40. But it turns out he is the metabolic age of like a 60-year-old man. Are you serious? Yeah, he's very unhealthy. Wow. So I guess, you know, being a corrupt politician erodes you from the inside out. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, they're all corrupt.

Yeah, they are. And I have nothing to base that on. But apart from facts. The YouTube channel that got shut down. Yeah, yeah. Irish people try out conspiracy theories Yeah Yeah let's try that

Yeah Well like I will say We have a friend who works on radio I'll say his name Go on David Hammond Yeah He's got his face on a bus now That's true

Yeah Do you think we'll get our face on a bus If we keep talking A short bus maybe Yeah What's that me? Yeah, the short bus I know it's for disabled

It's mental mentors woman spastics made yeah yeah the short bus is a derogatory term it's given to people with learning disabilities but that's to say like spastic people listen to spastic radio shows and we're the

the face of spastic radio yeah again I say it in jest guys yeah don't get me well I think a lot of times like bam the construction company they won't kill you because that's too obvious but they will try and destroy

career. So I'm honestly thinking about, there's a picture on me on Facebook of me with Nutella on my face. Yeah. You think they could use that as Brian O'Toole, Dill's blackface? They could get me that way, yeah. Okay. Wow. And it's Nutella. I want to stress this now in case someone gets to be, it's Nutella. I just wanted girls lick my face. But they could construe that. Yeah, they could. And there's something weird. Yeah. I don't think construe is a word, is it. It is now. You've heard it here first. But I get you. So you're afraid that I, they're going to get us somewhere the Brian O'Toole minstrel show

Even just us saying the word spastic Oh yeah of course no Like you could listen to All you have to do is listen to any two minute section Of any episode And we could be done We'll get Nieson We'll be ruined forever

That's probably what Neeson Neeson probably okay Was doing research about the children's hospital And then they You know what They probably killed his wife as well she got skied

she got skied oh fucking hell oh Jesus wow yeah yeah you're really lifting the lid in a lot of shit today man I honestly want to get sued

you really do it'd be so good for publicity and what are they going to take yeah that's true what are they going to take my shitty minimum wage job oh no please oh no you get fired i could lose all of this oh no i'm working in a shop now okay you know that right yeah right but my assistant manager right this is true i'm not making this up i won't see other guy's name but like is there any before we go any further is there

is there any chance your assistant manager could listen to this i don't think so no i don't think so okay right hopefully not again i won't say his name why you're going to say it what if he does here no i'm really interested he's cheating on his wife with me No, he's a fucking, he's a really weird kind of guy. He tries to insert sort of philosophical lessons into teaching me how to work in the shop. In the shop. Yeah, he's like, he's a Taekwondo instructor. And he says things like, you may not understand my methods of teaching, but I'm trying to show you the right way to do things.

I'm like, fucking, it's just my luck that I end up stacking cornflakes with Mr. Miyagi. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Fucking Confucius handed down life lessons. We sell chicken fillet rolls And boxes of amber leaf He's trying to teach a lesson We're like

Yeah, just I really don't care He makes you put it on a shelf And he knocks it down And you go, hey And he goes, life isn't fair Life isn't fair And then he spits in my face I get tested

But I won't tell you why You see injects you with HIV Yeah Yeah Okay, here I tell you what Here's an interesting thing That happened during the week The Rolf Harris story

Let's talk about that So Brian What happened? What did Ralph Harris get in trouble for. A lot of people don't even know who Rolf Harris is. That's true.

I'm surprised you know. Like, I mean, I'm a lot older than you and I just about know who he is. A lot of the young girls in my class, I bring up Rolf Harris and they tell me, well, wait.

They say, why are you in the women's changing room, brother? So, like, Ralph Harris, correct me from wrong here. Okay. Well, I don't know how he started off. He was an entertainer first. Yeah, yeah.

He's like a singer. Or a musician. What come first? He was just a man. He was like a, Well, I'll tell you what, he was like He was a Renaissance man In a way

Because he also fuck kids Yeah, it was very Roman of him Yeah, yeah But he started off as like He did like an art show on the BBC Yeah He'd like he'd draw a picture And halfway through he'd stop

And he'd turn to the camera And can you tell what it is yet? And nine times out of ten It was a big black cock It's right It's a big nump And Lee Mason was sick Gonna add it to the pile

Yeah Sounds like it's catchphrase Yeah And can you tell them People love them. Yeah, because he was like a playful guy. And then he went on, he became a musician. He did covers of songs with a wobble board.

Okay, yeah. Which is just a big piece of cardboard that he wobbled and he'd sing lyrics. He did a cover of stairway to heaven with a wobble board, which some argue is more offensive than his paedophilia. But, you know, that's NME for you. They're very critical. They love their music. What can I tell you? But, yeah, so he recently got in trouble because he's a convicted pedophiles.

Well, I think about three years ago, during the whole, like, Operation U-Tree, which happened after the Jimmy Saville revelations, he got caught being a pedophile as well. Yeah, he has sexually assaulted some teenage girls. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So then he went to prison, did four years. Yes. Now he's out, because when you're an old guy, you get a shorter sentence for being a pedophile normally. Because it's kind of like, you know, the judge is like you don't have much time there.

Yeah, yeah, you'll be dead soon. Yeah, plus your career is ruined and all that. What else? Yeah, you're... So he's out of jail. And then recently they caught him, he was waving at kids. He was walking through the playground of a school and waving at kids into the window, which is just like, like, of all the things.

They're not even trying to hide it. Yeah, you know, just of all the things that you can do with your free time of, after being a convicted pedophile, that's not one of them. Which makes me think, like, is there any chance he's just old and confused? He's got Alzheimer's. Yeah. Yeah, possibly. Could that be it?

Yeah. And he used to be so famous. He was famous, he was beloved. You know what? He had another one, Rolf Harris' animal hospital. And he used to nurse little sick animals back to the health. He was a, you know, thought he was. And also, this is true, he painted the queen.

He painted her. Yeah, while she was in the room, like, he had no audience with the queen. It was him and her. Imagine the conversations they had. So how do you like to do with your majesty? Well, I like to chop them up into little pieces, devour them. A little finger treat Oh, you're a bloody

You're a national treasure love And you're bloody gorgeous Look at those eyes Bloody sparkling Did you see actually We'll change subject debate We'll go back to Roll Farras in a minute All right

Okay Do you see they actually have plans now In England For how to get the Queen Out of London In case it all kicks off Over Brexit I have

I did see that So yeah The secret plans To get her out like How do you think What do you think What do you think What do you think?

How are they going to get get her out i if i was being silly yeah you know the guards with the big hats the booking out of had it's just gonna be under one of those yes i mean sneak her out but if i've been serious um i thought it'd be funny if like they put her in something but they forgot to put air holes in so like they have her like in a golf caddy or something like that and then the dump out and just like oh flop just flops out like

and is it just the queen they're taking or is it a whole royal family I'd say probably her and Philip Philip and the rest of them can fend for himself God forbid you leave Philip behind because they don't care about any of those Philip like it's magic's not dead to be honest Yeah it's insane well apparently being

horrifically evil can make you live forever Oh no no no he was in a car crash Who Prince Philip was yeah I know he drives planes a lot. I wish it was a car crash. I wish the plane crash instead of a car crash. The other whole car crash, and he didn't apologize for ages. Yeah, okay, exactly what happened. So, he's an old man.

Yeah. He crashed into two women, I think. Okay. He did a Matthew Broderick. Oh, right. Yeah. So, uh, crash, he refused to apologize for ages, like. Then eventually he didn't apologize because of the press back on. Oh, my God. So he just plowed into two women. And he was like, oh, sorry, I thought they're black. I basically earned them. They're like the

pigeons and the swans they're mine bloody hos so yeah he crashed in them they were driving a different car crashing them

next day he was driving again like real of course he was he's a real speed racer yeah I like that he's pretty cool

like doesn't give a fuck you know he really does not give a lot I can see a large percentage of the English people going like

yeah that's our Phil go on Philip yeah you tell him I'd think be funny if like they gave him a plane and just let him

just let him do what he wants you know let him Harrison Ford that shit it's like this old him and Harrison Ford drive around together

this old and fucking he should probably just he'd fly around the east end tower blocks and drop his catheter bags

have that you burn you bloody plebs ah ha ha ha yeah I think that's what he'd do if he had a plane he just smathing

what he smattened what he'd what would he hate uh smathing his synagogs or it'd be funny if he just kind of like half with you just forgot like in midair just kind of forgot how to drive the plane yeah yeah so he just wrote the words i'm confused in the sky and then smash into the queen so they're going to get her out yeah yeah that's good

that'd be cool now it'd be pretty i mean i don't personally see it happening what are they expecting some kind of violent revolution well they've had plans they're i think you're just kind of repurposing their blitz plans oh okay so like it's not like this new but like there's a lot of plans to queen like you're heard of operation um london bridge no that's the plans for what happens when the queen dies oh what is all got all set up in place like ah what are the plans i don't sure i look it up now so i kind of like i'll i'll say what i think it is then we can double check my facts i think it's like i think one of the things is like um bbc immediately goes black just like total media blackout yeah yeah um operation london okay london bridge is here okay

this is live us finding out the truth and also i think i heard somewhere that like comedy there's no comedy in the bbc for a week after she dies oh that won't be hard there's no comedy in the bbc now oh heyo bah bannah bann upbara okay what a zinger okay so what's the plan now what is the plan so the private secretary will find out then they contact the prime minister yes uh they use the word london bridge is down uh that's a little nursery rhyme i know Yeah, London Bridge is falling down, falling down. Falling down, London Bridge is falling drowned because of the immigrants. Okay, so then to tell the BBC through the emergency radio alert system.

Also known as a phone. Yeah, yeah. We'll alert the presenter to play inoffensive music. Inoffensive, the lighthouse family. Or maybe M people, you know. Was that one by M people? I don't know. Dreams can't.

come true, no. Oh, this is it. The BBC News will air a pre-recorded sequence of portraits of the Queen. All done by Ralph Harris. His wife, the Queen, taking a sheet. How she'd lovely bowel movements. Smelled like sausages.

Oh, this is fun. Sky News has long rehearsed death. Okay, so BBC, they're going to get, like, the news straight out of the Dead Queen's mouth, okay? But then Sky News want to be in on the action, too. So they've been rehearsing for ages, call her Mrs. Robinson because they don't want to say the Queen's dead. So they say Mrs. Robinson?

Yeah, in their mock death coverage. Oh, I see. I see. Right, right, right. A footman would pin a dark-edged notice to the Gates of Bucking Palace. It'd be funny, like, if they had it, were like, when they find out all the guards just at the same time, just put

gun in their mouth and blow at the same time. Like, that would really be a sign of how much they loved her. Oh, here's about moving the Queen's coffin, okay? If the queen dies at Windsor Castle She moved by Carr If overseas They have a special boat and everything

Number 32 Oh no, it's a plane She dies overseas They have a special plane ready Okay So you're like in Air Force 1 Get off my plane Yes

Yeah Should be taken to the throne room Buckland Palace Four days after death She be moved to Westminster Hall God should be smelly by then She will man She'll be rotting away

Like an old cabbage There's going to be a lot of marches Around London Bridge the Australian government will walk away with it I don't know why the fuck they're getting Australian involved oh yeah just talking about all the different countries react oh this is funny now

in New Zealand they're specifically instructed not to play punk music or songs from Queen during this period is it will hit me in reps so they take it off you bloody phone

yeah Jesus Christ oh my God it'll be a bit sad when she dies No, it won't. No, it won't. Oh, you're right, actually. But I do like The Crown. You know, I show The Crown.

I haven't seen it. But there is a bit of me. Oh, it's a very good show. Like, there's a bit in me that kind of, like, because I like the show so much, I kind of hope she dies an interesting way. So. Just so the endings a bit, like, you know,

razzle-dazzle. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. How would you like the Queen to die? How would I like the Queen to die? Auto-erotic fiction. She's, and she's found mall to death by one of her fucking dogs. Oh, God.

I don't know. I'd like her to die with Prince Philip still inside her How about that? Sexy I'm just kind of looking through Wikipedia page Now, like the Queen's Wikipedia page Let's see, what's her story now? What age is she?

She is... 80 something? 82. 92? 92. Jesus Christ. She's looking well. She is.

That's all the Pilates. And the blood of children. Just swimming in it. And she ate Diana's fucking ghost. Yes, of course. The Queen's evil. You know who else is evil? Who?

Dick Cheney. Oh, take that for a segue. Take back everything I said. You're a genius. Go on. Now you regret beating me up, don't you? But yeah, I saw a voice. Yeah, so the film about Dick Cheney?

Yeah, yeah, great film, you know, love it. Can I spoil a little bit for you? Go on, yeah. I thought this is very clever. So, start the film. It's about Dick Cheney. Yes. Vice President of America during the Bush administration.

Bush Jr. I'm familiar. Okay, just in case the listeners don't okay. If you're not laughing, you're earning. So, it's been narrated by, you know, Met Damon. Met Damon? That's what they call him. Oh, Mets Damon.

Oh, Jesse Plemons. Jesse Plemons, yeah, from the final season of Breaking Bad and Fargo. Yeah, yeah. Really good actor. So it's been narrated by him. Okay. While he's sitting around with his family and you're going like, why is he narrating the film? Yeah, yeah.

Cut to Cheney Rise Above the Ranks and stuff like that. Yeah. He starts off, like, an intern for Rumsfeld, played by Steve Carell, who's really funny in it. Good. And slowly gets bigger and bigger. And he survives, like, you know, all the Nixie. He survives Watergate and all that stuff. Like, until eventually he becomes the Vice President of America, right?

Right. And the whole time you're watching this, uh, this, why you wonder, why is, what's the connection with? Jesse Plano. Yeah, yeah. And Jesse Plumman, he's the one stage goes like, hey, I guess you could say we're related. Okay. And you're like, what, what's going on? What's going on?

I said, I stood up out, in the cinema, I went, what's going on? Ladies and gentlemen, can we take a moment, please? Paul is going, sit your hands down, motherfucker. I don't know why you go to those types of theatres, Brian. It's very offensive. Crazy white ball talking shit. It's a bottle of, no, I can't see it.

I was going to say something very racist. So, that of the great. variety. Yeah, we'll see I was going to say that. Yeah, I was going to say, lean. But anyway, I was like, what's going on? Then we go to the whole Iraq war section of film. Okay, okay.

And then we see Jesse Plymins in the war as a soldier. Yeah. And you're going like, oh, is that it? Was that all right? Okay. I'll get it, all right, but it's not. Then we see it's after he's become president. Okay, after he's like the vice president, he's retired now.

Okay. He's got a heart problem, okay? Oh. His heart don't work no more. Oh, see where this is going. He's already had about eight heart attacks during the film. Okay. And then Jesse Plemmas is running along, talking about,

and then they couldn't find the heart, gets hit by a car. Oh, my God. This is like the last few minutes of the film, okay? It's a great little twist. Like, I've ruined the film film. You have absolutely ruined it. That would have been amazing to find out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jesus Christ. Well, I said you should watch it, and you didn't, so. So you're punishing me? Yeah, yeah. And you're punishing the listeners. So then it's him on the ground going, like, well, I'm dead now. It's Jesse Plemmons of the ground like And they gave my heart to Dick Cheney

And then he says Cheney never refers to it It's someone else's heart He always calls it his new heart Which kind of pisses me off Yeah And then you see The old heart just getting thrown in the bin

Just a little shriveled up Black piece of shit Which is maybe a metaphor For the American Constitution If you're not if you're not laughing you're thinking very good I look forward to seeing the film

that you ruined for me but apart from you can't ruin though because the performances are performances are so good especially when bail gets fat I'm a happy boy that's good you can see he's got big old

jiggly tits in it and it's great well I think we'll end it there we can't end it there come on jiggly tits It's a perfect way to end it. No, we're going to keep talking. All right.

So we find the natural endings of this, okay? So I thought it was a great film. Okay. And we ended up there. You've not seen... Are you going to see Vice then? I will, yeah. I'm going to go see Vice.

Okay. I'm trying to think what else is good about it. Well, performances, you said. Performances, yeah. They should all win Oscars like, yeah. Very interesting, though, because I was telling you four, they covered the whole, the fact that his daughter was gay. Oh, yeah.

And he supported her. But he... Even though it did look bad. Because he was a start Republican. Yeah, yeah. And did he, when he was, you know, prior to his daughter coming out of his gay, was he anti-gay marriage and stuff? Not really, no. Okay, okay.

But even when he's having to sit down with Bush, he's going like, just, there you know. That's one issue, I won't go here. And Bush is like, okay, well, you just keep quiet about it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Don't try a fucking thing, man. Yeah, they really portray Bush is kind of like a really, like, a really, like, inconsequential part of the plot. Yeah, he was just like a puppet really.

He's really not in, like, in fact, most of the time. don't even refer to him as the president's called like junior like jesus yeah like even the final bit is like oh you and bush's son is george bush senior i assume he features in the film a little bit not too much a little bit like uh he was got he got he was grabbing ass i think yeah but he was like near what was he nearly a hundred he was very old yeah he was like in his late 90s in a wheelchair with an auction tank still grab an ass

i'm just saying okay i know this is going to get me uh in trouble i might get on the list for saying this all right When I'm old Yes I'm going to have a little I'm going to be doing things Oh What kind of things

I'm going to be doing I know I might You know What I might look at girls' tits You're a monster Yeah

Yeah Yeah I wonder what it'll be like When we're old I mean I don't plan I'm getting old really But when you're old I wonder

What the world would be like When I'm old I'll probably You get done for rape Just for like Having a podcast like this Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can definitely see us being in court someday

and somebody will be reading out the transcript and James Cadden said, and I quote, I'll tell you what, we'll end on one final little thing here. We talked about competitions in one of a different episode. Yes, we did. Guess who got on the same final as James Caden? Yes, congratulations to Brian O'Toole is in the Cherry Breakout Act of the Year finals.

Pretty cool, pretty cool. We're finally, we've never been against each other in competition before, have we? Definitely not in a final anyway. we might have had the same heat before for something. Yeah, but we've always like, either you fucked up or I fucked up. Yeah, yeah. But this is the first time neither of us is fucked up. And we're both in the final.

Yeah. Do you get this? I guess a lot, like, for competitions. I sometimes get, the real urge, just ruin it for everyone. Do you ever get that? Like, what do you mean, ruin it for everyone? I just think, like, wouldn't be so funny if I got up, like, let's say it was the first act. Yeah. And I did something that was just so awful that they had to cancel the competition.

Like, wouldn't I? Like, showing up with a face full of Nutella. And I'm like, it's not blackface. No, I can't say I have that urge, no, but I do, I get very nervous, not very nervous, but a little more nervous than usual when it's a competition. It's a little bit. That's why I really try to not think of it as a competition. Yeah, yeah.

Because let's be honest, okay, at the end of the day, you win this competition, it's not going to solve your problems. No, it's not. It'll never bring you happiness or love. No, it will just... be empty inside. You've gone empty void inside you. That will never be filled.

Yeah. Winning that is almost like, you see like you get a glimpse at something you can ever have. Do you get me? Yes, I do. Yeah, yeah. Like what?

You win a trophy and some money? That's not... The trophy will just be a reminder of that one time when you came close to having a dream. Yeah. That's why I want... It's something that you'll use

to beat your wife with because you resent her for the loveless marriage you're in. Like deep down you wish she'd kill you. that's why I think that's deep down why I want to self-sabotage competition and stuff like that

I think we yeah I would agree that I also And if we teamed up Oh God We could really ruin this competition We could ruin it for everyone Forever We could get to

I was about to say his name We were going to say it Dwayne Dwayne runs the competition You can get him arrested We could plant Oh my God Bring anthrax into the building

Yeah And people are like, why did they want to ruin? What's wrong with these boys? This is a podcast. We're just having a little competition. These awful men roost. They both showed up with the tail on their face. And kept talking about BAM construction.

Well, they both committed suicide last week with nine bullets to the back of my head. That's how the podcast will end someday. It's just us going like, what's that red dot? Okay, I'm with that. I look forward to that day. I can't wait until we get God. And with that, we're going to end the podcast. Thank you for listening.

See you next week. Goodbye.