Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 12 : Justice For Jussie

Episode Date: February 27, 2019

"That kids gonna fake a hate crime."

Is it, make it record? Yes. It's recording now, is it? Oh, it's recording. Oh, unfortunately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had a great opening there, but we weren't recording. It was so good, but we hit record and it didn't record.

So, yeah, well, it's in the ether now. That's better that should be there, right? Very, okay, let's jump into this. Let's do it. Well, let's explain first. This is, we're in my room now. Yeah, we're kind of out of our comfort zone. So you usually record in my lavish seven bedroom house.

in the south side that I can't afford! Oh God! I can't afford! But, no, now we're in the dock in Bryant's bedroom, and it's nice. It's a nice little small bedroom. It's very charming, cozy. It is very small, like. Yeah. If I want to do push-ups on the floor,

I have to move everything onto the bed. These walls could talk, they just scream. Why do you think of the house? It's not, yeah. Yeah, that's the correct response. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, I've certainly seen worse. in documentaries and such. I've seen the favelas.

Yeah, it's cool, man. The reason James is up here for change is you're up to collect a camera, yeah? Yeah, I got to collect a camera from our friend John because tomorrow I have to go to a wedding. It's my friend's sister getting married and I got to film it.

They asked me months ago and I was stoned. I was like, yeah, no problem. Like just over text and I completely forgot all about it to like two days ago. she was like, so James, we all good for the wedding video? I was, oh, fuck, I don't even have a camera. So, yeah, I hate making commitments like that.

Yeah, I really, no one should ever rely on me for anything. That's a, that should be a rule. That's, you know what I mean? That's a, that's a good rule of thumb right there. Oh, wow. So you're recording, are you getting paid for this? You know, they'll probably throw me something because, like, the family are very nice people, very generous, and they're good, they're good people.

So they probably will, and I imagine, you know, they'll buy me drinks all night. They're really nice people, so. It's an awful lot of pressure, though, recording. It is. It's their big day. That's the thing. I've done it twice before, and the entire time I am just wrecked with anxiety, just like, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, if I get this wrong.

Because I'm not a camera person. Like, I'm really not technical at all. Yeah. So they just kind of heard that I studied film production. It's like, oh, well, then you can do it. And I was like, yeah, I guess. Because I'm such a people pleaser. I don't have enough backbone to say no.

But, yeah, I'm like that as well, where you don't want to disappoint them in the moment. Someone said you see you'll do it. it and they just want them. On our massive scale. Their big wedding. They think back to their big wedding. And it's just huge. Just when they're signing the divorce papers

after that wedding video. We just knew it wasn't going to work out. You can have the kids. I don't care. The lighting was all wrong. That white balance was a fucking joke. No, I'm still quite nervous because, like, I still have to collect the camera.

I haven't used this camera ever. so like I'm really going in blind you know what I mean the whole thing could be a fucking disaster if this goes really well and you get more and more jobs oh no this could become a thing no god no well like the thing about it is if you want to do it properly see like proper professional wedding videos like are extortionate but you need like somebody with a real professional setup who knows what they're doing and that ain't me baby I have no clue so anyway fuck it whatever we'll see how it goes yeah we'll keep that that's that's that's some of the fans you can tell them next week how it goes I'm on the edge of their seat join us next week to find out what happens yeah I'm sure they really care a big tube you continue question mark so what else is going on bro

the big story that I want to talk about that's why because we weren't going to record an episode and I was like one we can't let down talent who we want to get on the guest at some stage that'd be good to get talent on but also because this whole Jesse Smollett thing happened yeah his name's Jussie Smollett Jussie Smollett

Yeah See you should have known right off the bat He was a problem maker That and he's in Mighty Ducks as well He was He was one of the Mighty Ducks And I remember being a kid watching Mighty Ducks And I'm like that kid looks like he's gonna fake a haycrown

Very perceptive by it The way he's skating around You can tell So if people don't know the story It basically And it's mad It's like something like it's all sunny in Philadelphia It's crazy yeah

So basically this guy Jesse Smollett He's on a show called Empire. He's like, one of the main characters. Yeah, okay. So then according to him, these two white guys attacked him one night when he was walking the subway and they tried to lynch him with rope and stuff like that.

Jesus. And then he was like, you know, oh God, this is an awful thing to happen. This is this goes to show. This is actually true. So he got lynched and then he went on stage next day and called himself the gay Tupac. Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah. But Tupac was the gay Tupac. Yeah. Shug Night was definitely banging him. Sorry, no, I don't know. That's a total conjecture. Oh, I've heard, I've heard that from all my connections. From the streets.

Yeah, from all my debt roll connections. They said he was an, I'm not, this is not my words. They said he was a big old, a big old, beep. Yeah, a big old fanook. So, yeah. So anyway, so he said this and everyone was like, obviously lynching someone's bad. Yeah. Even Donald Trump was saying it's bad, stuff like that.

That's the truth. Everyone said it was bad. Everyone's on board. then it turned out and I start hearing little things about like it might have been fake and I was like

it might be like a whole conspiracy thing yeah exactly some kind of right wing conspiracy nuts saying hey fake that folks yeah that's why I didn't want to talk

about last week because you don't want to be like saying it's fake and then like we like to get all the facts here on Brian and James fuck each other yes everything you hear

has been fact checked meticulously remember the whole thing about Gay Baron being a pedo yeah that's all we got a team of researchers working day and night

yeah yeah We have Woodward and Burns team. We're going to crack the case. So, yeah. So then it turned out that he actually hired the guys to attack them. He hired the guys. Holy shit, I didn't hear that. I thought, oh my God, I thought he just, like, made it up.

No, no, no, no, no. He staged it. Yeah, this is a crazy thing, all right? So I didn't know the most interesting is that you can actually trace rope. Do you know that? I didn't know that. Yeah, so you can, like, tell where rope came from. Okay.

So they traced the rope to the store. Yeah. And they saw these two guys buying the rope, and those two guys were like, on the fucking show, on the Empire show. Are you so long? And then they questioned them, they were like, yeah, he paid us like 35 grand or something like that to fake a lynching. He's definitely got some

personality disorder. Yeah, yeah, and it's it like, it's for salary, like you want to get more famous, so he's like, that's like insane. Such a way to do it though. And then you watch his interview that he did, knowing the facts now, and it seems so fake. It's literally, remember that episode of The Simpsons where Homer, no, Bart, Sapphire to Christmas

tree? Yes, yes. Yeah, it's like that. It's exactly. exactly like that. Exactly like that. Yeah. And then like Homer's like, you know, you're definitely real, but we shouldn't look for you. Yeah. It was kind of an interview. It's like, oh, it's a

horrible hit crime, but I just know we'll never catch the guys who did it. We might as well just stop looking and focus on me, the victim. Yes. Me, the victim, who should deserve to be paid. More. I actually had my lawyers draw up a contract. I think you'll

find everything. I'm going to pass a new law, the victim salary law. the mighty duck it's the Gordon Bombay clause so it's insane now and because of this now anything else to happen

people are going to be like oh it's fake yeah that's the thing it really sort of casts doubt on like legitimate hate crimes and attacks that do happen to people

you know they can kind of frame it in a way like well if he made up his how do we know you're not making up yours it's fuel for like racism people are like

oh there wasn't even any slavery it was that was fake I was all created by a YouTube channel And you know, duh It's like the flat artists They're like, oh, no, no, I saw video ones Of a slave looking a bit like happy This guy, though, Jussie Smollett

I heard he's actually been arrested now Yeah, you know It's interesting, like this Yeah, I hate crime to this extent Yeah, so like But you know what, I have to, I can't imagine That he's the first person to ever try this And I mean celebrity.

You know, the first celebrity to stage something horrible to, like, give them as a PR stunt, do you know what I mean? But he, you know. People, it's very fun to be a victim. Oh, yeah. Especially if you don't actually, if you're not the victim. If you haven't been victimized. Yeah, then it's great. Yeah, you get all the benefits.

And you kind of faint every now and again and, like, you know, just really like, you know, cry and people have to like, you know. Yeah, just humor you. It's like, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's great. Like, yeah. I hope we become victims. Victims of our own success

Yeah That won't happen That will never happen But yeah I don't know It'll be interesting What happens Yes it will

Certainly will So that's one big story And then the other one is the ISIS girl Okay so the ISIS girl I don't know a lot about this Again like you're saying about ads field of fire Then you can go like Is ISIS even real

Or a Jussie fake that as well Justi small it faked ISIS Yeah the whole Manchester attack That was fake That you know The what the Paris attacks Yeah yeah yeah It's pretty impressive if he faked all of that.

That would be actually, if he did all of that, you'd be kind of like, a fair place yet. Wow, that's amazing. We're not even angry anymore. That's just incredible. Moon landing. Just all of it. Just so he could get a better salary on FIRE.

I think they've written him out. Yeah, I imagine he is done. Like, his career is just over. Yeah. It was so weird seeing him and, like, working Walmart 10 years from now. It's being like, oh. Oh, God.

And the boy who cried hate crime. Like, if it happens, well, that'll be, if I was doing a movie, it would, then he'd get hatecrimes. For real. Then he'd learn the lesson. He'd learn his lesson. He'd learn his, being beaten, having the shit beat out of you and being lynched isn't good. That's the only time I'd say, maybe a hate crime is acceptable. Well, I'm worried about it.

I would never say that, of course, but, uh, yes. Roll of thunder, hear my crime. They only got like 35 grand for that. You think a bit more for, ah. 35 grand is like... That's a lot for to pretend to do a hate crime. Just like beat him up.

Just pretend beat him up and then they put a rope around his neck like, I do that for free. Yeah. I bet him to let me do it though. Yeah. So anyway, yeah, the ISIS girl, that's the other kind of big story.

So you know much about that? A little bit. So essentially this girl left England to move over. So she left when she was 15 because she was... She became radicalized. Yeah, she became radicalized

from the internet. Right. Which is weird because some people are like, it's the internet's fault. Richard from Richard Judy that was his big thing So basically she went off She was 15 to join ISIS

And now ISIS aren't doing too well No They made some bad investments So they've made some cutbacks They probably brought her in He's like ah Samantha I'm sorry to do this to you

But your suicide bombing Was great It was great I mean you didn't die But apart from that You know She was on a zero hour contract And she finally ran out

So yeah Now she's out of ISIS Yes She's in some kind of camp now I think refugee camp and she's trying to get into England and people, she's pregnant as well, that's the big So it's like a real moral kind of conundrum

Like, so what do you do with a girl She's 15, do you forgive her? Okay, what is she now? She's 19 now. And it's weird because she's Muslim which I like But she's English, which I hate. So it's like a real like, eh, where do you go? What do you do? What do you do? The prime minister? I mean, God, they're just so focused on the shitstorm

That is Brexit. They're probably happy that this is It's a great distraction a little bit. So if I was Theresa May, I'd be like, you know, really hammering home the point. Personally, I would see her taking a real sort of conservative. No, she left the country to go and join a terrorist organization. Yeah, she was 15, which is young, but like still, you know. You do dumb taking your 15. Yeah, but that fucking dumb, real.

I would have joined ISIS when you were 15. Well, look, like back in a day, people used to skateboard. I used to skateboard. Yeah, okay. Yeah. I wasn't very good. but that was like the 90s nowadays it's all ISIS yeah fidget spinners yeah yeah yeah so I just saying like I could see myself

in a different situation joining if wasn't for the prostitutes I definitely would have joined ISIS thank God for those prostitutes doing the Lord's work that that was good distraction and relieved a lot of distress I was like an angry little kid you know I could see like you're the kind of what's the word you're kind of like disillusioned yes disenfranchised you go on the internet you hear about all this like Islamophobia and stuff like that And you might kind of go, like, fuck it, you know, up the route, go and join ISIS.

Yeah, okay, that's fair enough. Like, you can see how it happens. And I suppose you don't know what her situation was in England. Maybe she was in, like, a low-income area and things weren't going well for her. She saw kind of like how people, immigrants were coming in the country and being, like, mistreated and stuff like that. So. And it looks pretty cool. You go, you know, like, pretty cool.

It's like smoking. It's the smoking of the choice. You're joining ISIS. Yeah. I don't care. Yeah, you don't be lame. Yeah, yeah. Well, like, for, like, you over there, in her heads, probably, like, yeah, you get looked after well.

Really? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. They're all feminists. Woke ISIS. Well, that's an awful image. Oh, God, they'll blow you up if you don't, like, fucking use the correct pronoun.

But, like, so, yeah. Oh, you know, I think they should let her in. Danny Dyer, his opinion. Of course she fucking deal. Let me tell you, mate, oh, she's fucking mental.

Oh, I'd fucking sit at that. Oh, I love. Oh, you're there and you fucking giving it the big and fucking going over there. Fucking ice is. You're a slag. Yeah, I want to hear

Danny's opinion. He said let her in. Did he? Yeah, he's like, all we all do fucking dumb shit. You know? Back in. Fair enough.

She got the baby as well. Yeah, I suppose the fact that she's pregnant does sort of... Well, she's really not helping herself, though, that's only thing we're like... Well, yeah, what's she's saying? Like, what's her? I think she says she doesn't, it's...

She doesn't regret it. She's like, ah, look, what do you want from me? And then, like, she kind of like... Maybe an apology? She kind of, like, she said she won't apologize. Oh. And she said, like, you know, the top of the Manchester attack. And she was like, well, you know...

Ariana Grande is shite. No. I stand with Pete. Pete Davidson all the way. Yeah. No, she was like, you know, put his killings on both sides. So it's kind of like... Yeah. She's like...

Well, that is true. I mean, like, you know, know, fucking... It is, yeah, but if you're trying to get to the country, she's not very media savvy. Like, trying to get into the country. Like, you want to be, like, wearing, like, a fucking, like, Churchill T-shirts

and, like, you know, Quoting Mrs. Brown's wise. Or like that, you know, Jerry Hallowell dress of the Union Jack, you know? Girl power. That's what she'll be walking around in, just, like, you know,

um, eating bangers of mash. Just really is like, oh, come on. Daddy hell, let me back in you. Watching box sets of Holy Fools and horses. Yeah, yeah. Some naughty in your pocket. She's like, look, I'm going to reenact the scene where he falls over.

Watch out, Treg. I think, well, like, I always look of it as like, in a situation like this, I tried to replace the word Muslim with Star Trek. Sure. So, like, if someone, if you Star Trek fans were killing people, you wouldn't think all Star Trek fans are killing people. No. But also, if someone left a country to join a Star Trek,

a Star Trek terrorist organization. they probably shouldn't be allowed to keep the kid, you know? No, probably not. So that's it. Yes, that's quite an analogy, Brian. Well, go on. I like analogy. Yeah.

You know, another good analogy. Go on. Okay, you know, X-Men. I'm familiar. Okay. Right. That started off. It was a metaphor for black people.

Okay. Okay. Because there was a lot of racism back in the 60. Apparently. Apparently. Might be fake. I think Jussie Smollett might be fake. So it was a metaphor for like, yo, they look.

They're different. They're different to the dream bad thing. have to, like, you know, like, Magneto is Malcolm X and stuff like that. Okay. Malcolm X is also controlled metal. Okay. But then, uh, after a while X-Men became a metaphor for gay people, they find out when they're teenagers, you know, for like, you know, shooting laser out your eyes is a metaphor

for a little bit of a little cock, you know, you know, when you pop a few claws. Yeah, yeah. A metaphor for going down with a large for the first time. Yes, of course. but now it's all like Muslims right which kind of makes sense because like you know these Muslims are dain or X-Men are dangerous

you know yeah yeah it's love to trust them so I'm thinking in the same way X-Men they have like the school where to teach the mutants how to use their powers correctly for good yeah it's kind of like this more just her like she's the big story but like there's loads of people that are trying to come back in the country and you can rehabilitate

them by setting up something like Xavier's school for the gifted Muslim kind of Yeah, and they can use for supernatural Muslims. And teach them how to use their terrorist powers for goods. Yeah.

Well, you know. Obviously, I'm not being too hippie-dippy, but it's going to, like, if you throw her away, she's going to, like, become more radicalized or die. That's basically our only option. Yeah, that's true. I suppose, like, it sort of begs the question. There needs to be a road for forgiveness,

redemption, rehabilitation. But, you know, we're not very forgiving in the 21st century. Like, we're very, you know, chastised them publicly. and then until you get bored of it and move on to the next one and just leave their lives in ruins. You can understand why people do not like ISIS.

Oh, absolutely. No, I'm not even saying. I just mean in general, we're not a very forgiving people. Like, you know. Like, it's kind of like a bit sick where like they'll have an interview where like they get like some fucking like

woman who like whose children died in the Ariana Grandad concert. Yeah. And they'll get her on. They'll be like, so what do you think of that? Do you think they should let her in even though like they killed your kids?

Remember that? They killed your kids? Remember that? Blues them to bloody bits Yeah Oh, they were all like Like a big bloody soup on the floor It was disgusting

Meatballs and spaghetti And just shoes everywhere Yeah, okay And then the woman would start crying Yeah Yeah Yeah, get it all camera Yeah

Pierce Morgan has to hide his irration Whoa Yeah It's like It's like, it's a jizzing It's like Oh, it's gold It's just like

I'm trying to milk the tragedy Like Yeah I guess Yeah There should be some way To rehabilitate But as you

I mean, God, it's a very, it's a hard thing to forgive. Going to join like an incredibly violent terrorist group who want to end Western civilization. Doesn't look good on a CV, Brian. Doesn't, uh... You're trying to apply. I've been trying to play for jobs. The other way, you're like,

you have a gap in your, like, history. Oh, I was just traveling, finding myself in Syria. Oh, or I've got another idea. Go on. Let her back in, but she has to live with Richard Dawkins. Okay. It's like a sitcom.

That'd be funny. Yeah, I'd watch that. Yeah, sure. They both have to like... They were the original old couple. It's like, you know, she left the toilet seat down and she joined Isis. He's like eating pole pork sandwiches. She loses her shit.

He's fucking, he's fucking Lala Ward. You know Lala Ward? He was one of Doctor Who girls. Oh, wow. She was with Tom Baker back in the 70s. Jesus. No, I didn't know that. I was never into Doctor Who's

She's very attracted Richard Dolphins do well Even still? Yes I don't touch women like that She's very smart and intelligent Ah, well done You said that while we're recording Brian

Now you'll definitely get a hand job at least Yeah, from you For me yeah Oh you're so woke Brian Let me touch it Yeah So the doctor's doing well of himself Yeah

I wonder if he just every time he comes He just screams There is no God Doing the line of coke Of a Sam Harris book because he respects him so much I did some coke last night

oh did you yeah how was it well these girls wanted me to go out in Drodda yeah and I said

well I see I have the best of both worlds because I said I can't because I got recorded a podcast Oh of course Tomorrow Yeah

A lot of commitments Which is good because Can't add our sponsors though Yeah Whoever they may be We had no sponsor I know

I heard a podcast recently And they're sponsored by the New York Times Crossword puzzle Jesus Imagine that. That's pretty high brow. That's insane.

It's a lot of pressure. We never get that. No. No. And they were like, hey, you can get your first month for free. Like, crosswords. With a crossword. You can buy an old book in the, too.

What are you going to? It was like, for old people. Yeah, that you give to them when they're in hospital. Yeah. Going to like, it's like the surgery on their gallbladder that you know isn't going to go. Here you go, Doris. I've got you. It's crosswords and word searches.

And, uh, I didn't get you. your Suduco because I know you don't like numbers very much but here you go and I've got some grapes as well you're looking terrible though have to say you look like a bag of shy she's got 24 hours left to leave and she's wasting on fucking cross

words and word jumbles she doesn't use Sudoku because it's too in her words oriental if I want Sudoku I'll get it from the Chinese thank you very much but I'm not hungry king back well what were you talking about there so they wanted you to go out and draw out of these girls

but because I turned it down it's almost like at the best of both worlds where I can be like oh if it went down I definitely would have fucked them all even though they're all in relationships I definitely would have I would have fucked I would have fucked their boyfriends as well you know yeah

they would have like you know made their boyfriend bend over and I would just done them just turn them all into a bunch of cucks yeah yeah so you buy beta cooks yeah yeah I do a podcast I pump them

But no, so that didn't happen. But I can dream, you know. Of course. So instead, I just, again, last time we're talking about, I went over the boys and they were, like, doing MDMA and playing video games. This is even less, this is even more lame. So I went over, they played video games on Coke, and I did Coke and just watched. Yeah.

That's so sad. Oh, well, I mean, what else are you going to do? I suppose. It's like, it's so dumb, you're wired and you're sitting there like, ugh. Yeah. It's this fortnight, is it? And they're like, no, Fortnite's so, apparently Fortnite is so, like, last year. Oh, is that right? Yeah, if you're lame, it's all apex now. What the fuck's

apex? I don't know. Why a bunch of fucking dweebes? What a bunch of do where else to go? Yeah, yeah. Well, I should have gone, I'd blow my one chance. Could I have gone up those girls and made new friends. Oh, could have opened up a whole new doors for you. You've become like a real social butterfly. Be like, uh, the great Gatsby, but in Dreda. I'm actually organising a great Gatsby party. Oh, are you? Yeah, for my event management course. Right. So I have to like hire like actors and stuff like the flapper girls and all that you know

I gotta talk like this hey oh that's what I was trying to explain to them I was like can you talk like great Gatsby yeah 1920s but don't say the N word Not like

Like someday like we're going to be 70 No I'm not But you might be Well I'll be 70 You'll be I'll visit your grave Please do Every month Oh it's so sad

Like if I'm like in my 70s I have Alzheimer's And I bring like the laptop To the grave And I like you bring a shovel? Come on, James. One last episode.

Come on. Talent's coaching on us. Oh, God. One last episode for a fan. That would be amazing. Oh, God. Oh, actually, can't wait for that. It's like, you know, true detectives season three?

Yeah, yeah. You just wake up every morning. Like, well. I keep seeing you and my dead wife. I'm the Viet Cong. Even though you're a name. never in Vietnam I keep seeing Charlie

oh my god true Texas is good I'm really enjoying season three and it's just like because season two was so shit it was it was awful the only bit of liked was when the whole interaction

with like Colin Farrell was fat son fat son was so fat see Colin Farrell was really good in it and Rachel McAdams was really good in it but the same it just was like so slapped as

she just didn't it wasn't cohesive I didn't know what was going on yeah it was bad 10 episodes, I think. It felt like it was 90. It really did. It was a real job. Yeah. I remember, like, I'd be like, oh, no, it's, it's out tomorrow.

Oh, God, I have to download. I don't watch it. Oh, my life is so hard. I remember, like, I'd be walking around like, and, like, I'll be talking to some girl and she were telling me, like, how, like, she lost her parents in, like, a boat accident. And I was like, oh, no, you feel. I got to watch season two, she was like, oh. I mean, what was

Vince Vaughn doing. I'll like a candle for you. His phone wasn't bad. He was in, he's in that film Brawl and Cell Block 9-9. Yeah, yeah. I love prison films. Yeah. So you know what you're in store for.

Yeah. I think your experience is going to differ drastically to Vince Fawns, though. Yeah. I'd probably have to become a, um, a jizz bucket. Well, like, what if, like, you go to Mountjoy and he's just like, all right, do which I was like, no, sorry, Paul, we don't actually do that here, you know what I mean, just pull up the cacks with it. No, no, have you're a wicked way with me. I'm ready.

Go on. You're like, you're not even in prison yet. We're just moving you to this. This is the court appearance, sir. Please put up your trousers. I object, your honor. I demand to be fucked in my asshole right now. Because I always thought, like, the option is you'd have to join, like, those American

general population. Yeah, it's like, you have to join a gang. You'd have to, well, I think the Nazis would be the gang. Yeah. The Aryan Brotherhood. The Aryan Brotherhood, yeah. And then you'd be safe. I'd like to think I'd have a bit of crack with it.

Like, try and teach them, like, you know, every now and again, you know, I'd be like, hey, maybe you should check out this new, Who's Jewish? Who's Jewish? Yeah, yeah. Lots of people. I can't think of a single Jewish.

Have you guys seen Manhattan? Yeah. Beautiful, film. Cinematography is, oh, but I was directed by a K. I'll not say the word. It's a harsh kid I think like so

I'd be hanging out all these guys And they'd be like Oh, we hate the Jews And I'd be like Yeah, yeah, of course I do Yeah, of course And then slowly but surely I'd be like

Hey, if you read this new Philip Ross book Stillly but surely I'd get him more And then eventually be like Oh, actually we do? They'll like, I'll tell you what I'd be like, you like kiss to you Guess what? Who doesn't?

Yeah, yeah Guess what? They're all fucking Jews Right, they'd be like Oh no! I want a rock and row Oh now! Yeah, they're like, oh no, I've got to take off the makeup now.

You just get them hooked on like everybody loves Raymond. Oh, Dad, we're at present. He's not Jewish, is he? Italian. Well, Phil Rosenthal is the show creator. Oh, see, that's how I get him where they go, he's not a Jew. And I'm like, actually, the creator was, and they'd be like, oh. He's a, what, he's a wop.

That's the derogatory term for Italians. A wop is kind of like just nice. Yeah, that's the thing. same with like a limey for a British person or Aussie or Ozzy actually no that's not a good example Frog for French people like we're paddies Yeah they call us patties yeah those are words that you could almost see on the Simpson yeah exactly yeah yeah like wop is like it's just a fun word yeah yeah I'd never really use it

because like we're not we're not I only know from like Scorsesey fans yeah I don't know any Italian people I don't actually I knew Italian they're all very handsome course they are riding around on their little Vespascoes. Beep, I drink espresso. Was it Italian guy or Brazilian guy who's telling us that he fucked all those girls for Google? What? Remember that? What guy? Oh, do you not remember that?

There was a guy in a smoking room once after a gig. Oh, yeah! And he was telling us that like... Yeah, what the fuck? That guy was weird. He was just so, like, I kind of hate those people. They're so, like, you can tell, like, just handsome and happy. Nothing's ever gone wrong for him, like. Just like sex on demand.

Yeah. He was telling us the story He was working somewhere He was closing up a bar He was a barman close up Yeah, and like a hen party Just like grabbed him And they all fucked him

And they were like Hey, we're coming back to our room You're gonna fuck us all And he was just like Yeah, of course Why wouldn't you? Of course It is my pleasure

Yeah I want to please you With my tongue A little tongue roll You know Yeah I can't even do that I can't roll my tongue Gras brr

See I can't do it Yeah you can't do it Why women despise you That's why After I hear this podcast they probably will Yeah Yeah It's all a bit of crack

You know It's all right in the 70s Do you see that noose thing Neuse? The fashion shoe Oh shit There's like Yeah it's a hoodie

And there's a noose around the neck Is that what it is? Yeah That's in very poor taste That's like That's not even like safe No Imagine you got that caught

On a like a bus door Oh is it an actual physical noce I thought it was just like a picture of a new surround the hoodie, if you know what I mean? I think it's like built into it. Okay. So it's a suicide hoodie. Yeah. Basically, if you want to kill yourself and look good doing it, you get this new.

Who, what fashion company or design? There's something called blueberry or something like that. Oh, Burberry. Oh, Burberry. Burberry, yeah. That's how little about the fashion industry. I'm like... Burberry was sort of known like in the 2000s as like all the Chavs wore Burberry.

Do you know what I mean? Like Chavs would wear hat. and, like, berbery shirts and stuff like that. It's sort of synonymous with scone bags, or it was, anyway. So, oh, wait, it was, it had a bad image, and I'm like, I know what it fixed this. It was, like, all but forgotten about, really. Nobody, it was really old-fashioned trend. Nobody wears it anymore.

It's like, just a desperate, like, last minute. Yeah, it's like, they need to get some. Just think, like, how could you design something that's actually more offensive? That's pretty much what they're going for. The only way you can do it is if, like, you literally made a hoodie out of pages of the Quran. and then set fire to it. That's the only way you could get more offensive.

Yeah, yeah. Just like, or like, it was just, it's just, it's just a T-shirt that said Harvey's innocent. I was like, a picture of wine seem like,

well, wink. Especially this day and age, like it's a whole like promoting mental health. It's true. They're definitely doing it on purpose just for the publicity.

The thing about controversy, it's a commodity, you know? It sells. Oh, it does sell. Yeah. And click bait and all that shit.

That's what I mean, like, we were like smarter and like cared less. We could just like, like just say like, things like, you know, blind people don't have souls. Okay, and then we just like, then go on the news and you're like,

how could you dare say that? I was like, that's true! And then we become famous. And there'd be some really awful section of the population. Like, yeah, I like this guy. Yeah, they'll buy our books and shit. Yeah, and we can go do a TED talk or something. Yeah, yeah.

And then we get on, like, celebrity fucking... Eyes are the windows to the soul. If they have no eyes, they have no windows, they have no soul. It all checks out. There you go, baby. Holy fuck. We're selling the book.

I mean, I came up with a funny example, but the more I think... I've really convinced you. My God. Eyes are the window to the soul? Yeah. They have no eyes. They have no windows. They have no soul.

Oh, my God. They are, yeah, they're evil. Yeah. And like, we got to take those dogs away from them. They're going to take over with their super smart dogs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's when we design a hoodie that says blind people are cuns.

And then we... Like, they'll never see it. Who cares? Like, it's fine. A song of a deaf people. There's really just... I had no dedicated marathon to people in wheelchair. Yeah, yeah. And then we just get famous off that kind of shit. And then we all laugh all the way to the bank.

You won't say that now. No, I don't know. It's a bit too much. That'll be redacted. Don't worry about that. Yeah, but that hoodie, like, especially... Someone's telling me recently, this is kind of interesting. You were talking about this.

They were saying that you shouldn't say committed suicide. Because that sounds like it's a crime. Oh, okay. You should say, took their life. Took their own life. Yeah. Okay. I mean,

which I suppose it's a nice thing to do, but it is technically a crime. Is it? Against God. Ah, of course. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know. Who cares? Even if a bunch of crime, it's a matter. It's a nice talk, though, but it's like, obviously, like, it's in general conversation,

you might say that, but like if someone's just saying, like, my friend commit suicide, don't be like, oh, you're wrong. You should do it now too. Yeah. Semantic suicide.

Yeah. Like, just raises, like, pretend you're the victim then. Shame. change. Throw a pie in his face. This is why your friend commits suicide. Oh, God.

You're to blame. Because you talk funny. He was listening to Led Zeppelin records backwards. And then he did it in. Led Zeppelin does that. Can you actually hear the devil? Yeah, I think it was in the stairway to heaven if you play it backwards. Apparently, I've never tried it, though.

So we should do that sometime live on the show. Listen to it backwards. Yeah. Well, yeah. And then we start speaking Latin. But you know what? Judas Priest were actually taken to course. court over it. Legitimately, yeah,

for a record of theirs, I can't remember what the song was, but two kids apparently listened to it backwards, and then one kid shot his friend and then shot himself. So Judas Priest were taken into court and they played the record backward, and you do hear the words, do it, do it, do it.

But like, how... But they don't know. Yeah, of course not. How could you actually... That's Nike Stonings, just do it. That's, I don't know. That's Nike, you can't say, like... just do it well theirs was just do it it didn't say just do it

it was only the words do it but that's how do it being played backwards times but still like okay I give his thing all right okay yeah yeah yeah all right fuck them then yeah yeah fine but any fool

that like plays a record backwards and shoots themselves I don't think that's any great loss to humanity I'm sorry what you know what I mean you'd be awful giving news the parents

he was bloody daft you're better off love alright just get a bit of vanish for the carpet they'll get the staying right here's free tickets for the next show I hope you follow their voice as well you fucking kind of ruin music what apart what is your kids lives more important than good music yeah yeah Judas Priest baby

although I was never a big Judas Priest fan we were just saying before that we talked about the Michael Jackson documentary yeah leaving Neverland And now it's all kicking off. They're taking it to court. Apparently, yes. The Jackson Estate are trying to sue HBO for $100 million.

Jesus. So, yeah, that'll be interesting. Personally, I don't know. I don't think HBO, you can't fuck with HBO alike. Because the Jackson Estate has lost power. They're sort of in decline, whereas HBO are stronger than they've ever been. There's not that many leftover music they can pump out. Plus, like, I know the old saying there's no smoke without fire.

Well, there's a lot of smoke. here. There has been for years. Apparently this documentary is going to confirm the suspicions, so you can't really sue someone for defamation if what they're saying is true. I think at Jackson State would be better off just like, just not commenting. Just embracing. It's like, hell yeah, he did. He was the king of pop. I'm just saying, like, a lot of the philosophers had sex with children. Did they? Like Aristotle? No, modern. Oh, modern ones. No, no, no, the Roman ones, stuff like that. Like,

that was the custom back then. Yeah, well, the Roman empire were incredibly liberal when it came to sexuality, you know. There's a lot of like touching goats and stuff. What's the word? Polyamorous, you know? Yeah, yeah. Is that the word? I think it is. Yeah, I don't know. A lot of syllables in that one. Yeah, I'm impressed. Thank you. I never even tend to say a word like that. I honestly think, like, I had it written on my hand. Especially listening back to these podcasts. Like, I get

real focused on my voice. Yeah. Just how incredibly annoying it is. Yeah. No, I edited it, so I get what you were saying. I hope you tone it down a bit Because it is very bad I have to play white noise While I'm editing this Because of your voice I have a tendency

I'll skip over words And I get too excited Don't pronounce things correctly A lot of times I hate it like I notice that I like say Yeah Yeah yeah

It's true yeah I hate my voice I hate it At least you can do accents And stuff You can change it's true That's the desperate Desperate to get away

From my own stupid voice Like, if people come after you for, like, I know you're afraid of this, people come after you for, like, doing racist voices. They're not racist. Oh, that's what I'm saying, like, it's like, you know, and that's the ones we keep in. That's not your Asian. Your character of, what's me so fuck? Me so fucky. Me so fucking.

The characters, it's not racist. The character's called Mr. Mr. Me So Fucky. Yeah, but, like, it's, that's just you just trying to, like, escape. your reality. Yeah, whereas I can't do that. No,

you're stuck. Yeah, it's almost like I'm a disability. Sure. You're going to like sign on disability for your ability to do. And they're like, what's the problem? I go,

can you hear it? And they go, oh my God. Give me the extra stuff. Oh, God. They're like, oh,

we're going to bring you to the disability office. Yeah. Oh, cool, cool. And they bring me down there's like this hallway. I'm like, where are we going? Like, it's just,

it's just, it's just down that way. It's just around the corner. you just go around the court yeah it's just down there you get the mint coat all right it's just down there

you're not around the corner and you get the speech therapy all right to get you the benefits around the corner yeah oh no what a good fella yeah that's great feeling

it's so good never get sick of it like you know I can watch that over and over again I like to be Henry Hill now I love the bit where like he's driving around he's looking around for helicopters

yeah he's just so coked up and paranoid. It's always like looking. It's amazing. That's the thing, you know the way he's looking around. I start doing this thing now. We're like,

and it's because I live with a lot of people. It's like, I will, you know the way Jordan Peterson has is like 12 rules for life. Yeah. And he has like, one's like tied to your room.

Yeah. I'm going to add another one to that. Okay. This is always master base standing up. Okay. Yeah. And it's actually very good for you. And I recommend everyone does it.

Men, women, everything. Why? What's the benefits of masturbates? Because then like you can look around you all times. Oh, okay. Yeah. and down like you're in a weak position

like this way like you're ready you're ready if something kicks off like some intruder yeah if something kicks off so you just let go and immediately punch someone like and it's good as well because also you don't feel lazy because it's like you do it. It's almost like exercise yeah and you can like I'd love to be

of like proper like an owl like turn my head the full 360 yeah just be like looking around it's a pigeon sorry I don't know what I'm doing but that's because I'm living with some people now like you can't yeah you can't trust them Yeah. Yeah.

But you can't just be lying around masturbating all the time. No, you can't. That's, I'm going to say, if I ever meet Jordan Peterson, I'm going to tell him this. I'm sure he'll write a sequel. And one more thing. Corin. Do you like Pearson? You know what?

I like the fact that, I mean, I think he's very articulate. He's obviously an intelligent guy. I like the fact that, you know, he stands up for the beliefs that he has. I think he doesn't do himself any favors. He comes off quite aggressive at times. but I also think he's sort of portrayed in the media as like a right wing kind of guy

which he's not you know he's definitely not or like anti-feminist he just sort of was opposed to legislation that would have you know it would have made it mandatory for him to use pronouns like he sort of sees that as a impact on free speech forcing people

by law to say and use certain words some people act like I don't watch too much of him No, me neither. I know some people who like watch them all the time. Religiously, yeah. But it's like, they don't even like, they don't even tie you their rooms. They don't actually do anything.

It's like, it's almost like just do, it's like a comfort blanket for them. Yeah, yeah. Here is like, one day I'll be better. But they do kind of demonize them where it's kind of like, you know what insane clown posse? I am familiar, yes. Yeah, well, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're on a watch list. They're on the FBI watch list. Which is like.

Considered a criminal gang. Yeah, which is like just. madness like They're actually A lot of them are like really nice They're like big like You know

We love in the juggalos We're like it's all about love And kindness and sharing Stuff like that They're actually like Peace loving people They're like Hindus

Hindu Yeah They're exactly like them Yeah exactly like them Yeah exactly like them In every conceivable way Yeah but like they're demonites And it's kind of like a Peterson fans

Where like you know Hey he helps some people And some people don't like him But like he's not I wouldn't want to ban him From a country No yeah Or, like, showing up to his speech and blowing an air horn.

Yeah, yeah. Like, that's just incredibly juvenile, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, the whole concept of just shutting people down and you don't get to speak, you know what I mean? Like, I don't want to live in that kind of world. Like, that's... He's getting more and more popular as well. Is he?

Because I... He fucking, he sold him and Sam Harris did the tree arena. Yeah, yeah. We can't even do fucking... We can't even... There are lots of places we can't do, Brian. Yeah, we can't do Owens. Dundalk like

We're going to be in our toll It tolls though Isn't that right No I don't know I'm not to say on the podcast

I'm having an awful difficulty trying to get a fucking night in Dundalk like why we're not shit No we're not shit

We got nominated for an award That's right This is a big story I haven't even Opened at this Yeah You got nominated for

The Royal Irish The Royal Television Society Yeah the Royal Television Royal Irish Television Society It's like an Award Ceremony held by RTE

And somebody filmed a live gig of ours Dropout comedy or comedy club they filmed a live show and it's a very high end product and now we got nominated for this award and still we can't get a fucking venue

We can't get a venue in Dundalk Yeah I just like because karaoke is more popular Of course yeah It's like I gotta hear somebody sing Don't stop believing by journey In a thick Dundalk accent Sorry

Just like oh it's maddening Like what is cool to get Nominee for reward I just found out that we can't can't actually go to the ceremony because we both have gigs. Yeah, we have the same gig. Yeah, we have that competition. It's like a final for a competition.

Which is kind of cool. We can't go to one competition because we have a different competition. Yeah, yeah. But this RT one would have been black tie. Black tie in RTE would have been very classy, very high in. Even though we didn't actually, well, you know, like someone else filmed us doing stand-up. Yeah, all we did was perform at it. Yeah, and then they got nominated and we can show up, like.

Yeah. But still, it's good. And even though, like, it's a royal television society. And even though I'm against the monarchy. I'm pro assassination of all of them, especially little George. I hope he gets Mountbattened. But actually, after getting this award,

I'm like, oh, no, maybe that child shouldn't be assassinated. Yeah, yeah, it's really changed you, turned you around. Yeah, yeah, and it is impressive that RT you would even, definitely haven't heard the podcast. Oh, God, no. I like working in television or like the idea of it, and I like filmmaking and stuff.

So there could be theoretically a day where I'm trying to pitch a project to RTE and they go let me just stop you right there, Mr. Cadden, and they press play and all you hear is me going, yeah, RTA or a bunch of satanic paedophiles, it's crazy. Obviously, we were being silly and we didn't...

No, no, I double down. I'd double it down. I know what you do, me. I know what you're all about. You're a bloody lizard. You're eating babies. I know. I've seen David Aike. I've watched videos. I'd get up in that interview and go, like, I can prove it and I try and take their skin off.

No, no, I think to cut this fucking, the face mask is very realistic. You expect me to believe that kid over here. That's like plasticine. Yeah, like, prove me wrong, as why I said. Yeah, yeah, prove me wrong. Show me a picture of you not molest in the child. Try and do it.

If such a thing exists, if you're capable of it. Go on Google Images and try to find one picture that isn't child porn. With the R.C. logo in the back. They brand children. television, telefish air. She's on their arse.

It's like burning him. Oh my God. So, yeah, I hope we win in this award. Yeah, really. It's just an honour to be nominated by RTE. What a wonderful institution. I want to actually, we're doing the competition. I might leave, we definitely won't win, let's be honest.

Yeah. I'm talking with the comedy competition now, not the RT one. So I think we just might try and get on that early and then head off then. Who knows. I might just like, you know, if we lose the one competition, we go to the other one and we just kind of kick off. Just show up drunk. Yeah, just start smashing bottles and stuff. Yeah, it would be like the sex pistols.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. In my way. God save the queen. The fascist regime. Oh, yeah. I've got to drink a beer, you bloody slags. Yeah.

It's not alcoholic because I'm driving. I have to drive home. It's gluten-free because I get very gassy. Yeah. Is there any vodka in this call? Because I can't drink it. Someone tried this. Try it. I could get addicted.

Oh, God. I don't want to get on the vodka. Are you on the horse? You bloody slag. Oh, Ragwick's coming up. Oh, Ragwick. It's going to be my birthday as well. What are you going to be? 24.

24 and so much more. God, it's... Yeah. You like that? That's been a Neil Young for you. What is it? You can't still listen to Neil Young. He was very bad. I have a folk singer

He played the guitar with the long hair Yes, sir he did They definitely don't know Neil Young No, they definitely don't If you mentioned that, they throw bricks at you Like it's all like Oh, no offense to them But like, I don't know, the class I'm waiting

Like I made a poochy reference the other day From the Simpsons They didn't get it That's, and then I referenced like, No, it's poochie from the Simpsons, the dog Could I ask you what the reference was like? Oh, it was like one that someone didn't come in And then they came in afterwards

And I was like, oh Where's? Yeah, and I was like, hey, where is, I don't say his name. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, you know, Poochie, like, where's Poochee? Like, what? And I was like, Simpsons. And I was like, oh.

Oh, God. This really is like an old man trying to explain the wireless. And Jackie Gleason would come on and he'd do his little skits and, by gum, they were hilarious. I really just feel like, you know, like an older generation trying to explain why, like, Amos and Andy was funny. Trying to explain why blackface was very funny back in the day. And again, don't get Amos and Andy. Yeah, yeah. You don't know what I'm talking about.

Well, if you're getting Amos and Andy, you're really, like, I bear, like, the only reason I know because they made fun of it in The Simpsons. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, but apart from that, like, I'll maybe be the old one, but, like, I still like my class. They're very good, like, yeah. This is the first time I've been in a class where I actually like everyone. I'm not, like, there's no secret resentments or like. Yeah, well, give it time. Oh, I'm sure by next year I've burnt all my bridges.

I'll have tried to punch every one of them. Yeah. I'll get drunk and try to punch him all and then I'll just piss myself and they'd be like, oh, Brian's out again. We actually, it was good, like, I end on this. It was good crack now. He went to the Guinness storehouse. Oh, very good. On a college trip.

Yeah, I've never been. I used to always make fun of it. Like, why would you bother going to it? Yeah. It's just a storehouse. It's actually like one of the most popular. Oh, yeah. It's big.

I used to like, oh, shite, you just get one pint free Guinness. Yeah. But actually, it's actually quite good. It's a wonderland. It's a, I'd recommend it. Yeah. It's like, load of shit going on. but the weird thing is

don't actually show you the making of it it's just all like looking the merch and the history of it yeah which makes me think like it'd be funny it's like I'm walking to a room and there's just a leprechaun hooked up to a machine

and they're just milking them dry just milk and cullies release me Brian oh please kill me and I have to like do the dirty you just like put my hands around his neck and just relieve him I killed this lepracon

that was Michael he was he was a little he was a midd my child you can't say we just did it yeah I did it what are you gonna do what are they gonna come after me

yeah come on I'll take you all along fuck you dinklage yeah but it's good now I liked it you got a few little points afterwards yeah yeah so

and they got an upstairs place called the sky bar and so yeah really nice bar you can rent it out for parties and I have a dream of someday I'll get so successful I can rent out

the whole building do a gig in it no no I just rent it out and I'll invite everyone, but I won't let them in. And it'd be the best, you know? And they'll be downstairs going, let us in, Brian. We got dressed up and stuff.

We brought you presents. No, fuck you. This is what you get for being nice to me. And you piss out the window of the sky bar. And then I stand completely naked in the sky bar. I'm master base standing up. And life is good. Your jizz rains down on all the plebs.

Yeah. And they look up and say. like manna from heaven laying on missile yes it tastes so good welcome to Dublin yeah

I like it I like anything else no I think that's a that was a good way to end yeah it's good like nice of the fun yeah

we did a call back at the end that's always good if you can't think of anything well before we end I actually got proper parol because we were talking to one of your friends who isn't involved in stand up yeah

and he was going like Jesus you know I'll stand up to He always used callbacks. That got me worried, like, well, fuck, they're actually getting... They're on to us. Yeah, the audience are getting...

The audience are getting smarter, like... Eventually, like, we'll have to start writing jokes and stuff. Well, my roommate, yeah, he's good, but he would watch a lot of comedy, like, he's a big comedy fan. There's more people watch comedy than they'll, like, actually expect something from us. But he's a pretty intelligent guy, whereas most people aren't, so I think we're good.

The more I do comedy, the more I kind of realize, like, it is a kind of weird thing to be doing, like, especially, like, I'm just hanging out with, like, older men who like stand up and people and tell jokes it's a weird little subsection and it's so weird like I'd be nervous about some of those

older people do stand up because I think they're better than me yeah because they're more successful but it's stand up it's kind of like it's like you know like if I was into model planes yeah okay not just huffing the glue yeah like also that like

well if I was just in the like model planes and there's someone who's really into really cool in the model playing industry and I was nervous to talk just model planes like that's true and that's kind of like stand up as well it's like you should almost just give up.

That's the message. Yeah, that's the message. Give up. That's, okay, I'm working on my, my 12 rules for life, okay? Number one, stand up jerking off. Number two, give up. That's it.

And on that, we're going to end this episode. All right, good luck, guys. Thank you for listening. We're off to record a wedding. Bye. Bye.