Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 13 : It's a CONSPIRACY

Episode Date: March 9, 2019

James brags about his award while Brian talks about Green Book.

Oh, it's Brian and James fuck each other with Brian O'Toole and the award-winning James Caden. Oh, thank you, Brian. It's very kind. What a weird way to introduce me, but yes. James Caden won the Dublin's Next Top Comic Award, just last week. Yes, last week. I'm very grateful for the win. I don't know what to say.

I'm not very good at like... Has life changed? Dramatically, yeah, I can't leave my front door now. A lot of Japanese people outside with cameras now. I'm very big over there. Hucking me with a stick. Apparently, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can't leave.

And the National Enquirer released an article about me saying that I, I'm actually an alien lizard person. That's how you made it. Yeah, that's how you made it. I gave a sense, like, just in your own personal light. Like, the way you act now is different. You walked in, you took your cock out. Yeah, I did.

You set out to suck it. I was like, well, you are a comedian. Yeah, and I held my trophy the whole time while you blew me, and I jizzed on it. Yeah, yeah. good. I'm glad you just on it and not my face. Yeah, you don't have your head folding in the clouds. You don't deserve my seed. I'm Dublin's next top

comic. I'm saving that for B. And boy, will they like it. And by what he like. Yeah. So anyway, yeah, it's good to have you bad. I'm happy you won it to be honest. Yeah, it's literally I've never won a competition before. I've never even like won a trophy in my life. So

it's very, it's a nice feeling. It was a night. I'm very happy. Thank you to the woolshed for. You won that. Well, I was 11. I won a, I came second prize in the gardening. competition. Is that right? Yeah. Wow. I don't think I deserved it. I think my mother might have... Oh, I see. I think she might like, because I was like, she might think, like, please help

my retard son. It was like, Forrest Gump, where he was like, just something maybe, maybe something you can do for me. And I was stand there side, well, I heard. Your mother banging some guy on the committee? No, they were exercising together. Oh, of course. Very loudly.

Well, you were just like, I've got some plantains. They'll come in lovely. So now we can literally call. You're an award-winning comedian now? Award-winning comedian. An award-winning comedian? They can't take that way. No, and they'll try. I know they will. The scandals.

Yeah, the multiple scandals that will inevitably come out. When the stories come out, they can take, they took away Ralph Harris' nighthood. They didn't take away, they can't take away yours? They can't, no. Speaking of Ralph Harris, we have a new thing now called a Pido Jar. Yeah, yeah. Rattle it there. It's like folly sound effects, too.

That's our Pito Jar. And because we definitely talk too much about pedos on this show. Because they're everywhere. It's unavoidable. Well, let's put another coin in there. Another coin in. So hang on. Yeah, let me just.

Look, we're putting in. There we go. It's like the radiophonics workshop. So, yeah, we just like, because I was talking to a friend of mine who listened to the podcast. And he was like, his first comments was like, it's very, very pedophile heavy, very rape heavy as well. And I was, well, we can cut out the pedophile stuff. The rape stuff, we just can't. It's just two in the news.

We can't. Yeah. We got to keep it. We got to keep her eyes open. Yeah, of course. They're everywhere, lurking in the bushes. So, yeah, we're going to slow down the pedophiles stuff. Yeah, so there'll be no mention of it on this podcast.

Well, let's be honest, it will be. There will be. Low-hanging fruit. Yeah, yeah. Pido fruit. Yeah, but we got the jar every time we mention it, we put some money in. And then all of this money, actually, we're going to donate it to a charity. An anti-pedophile charity.

Yeah, yeah. No one does pro-pedo charity. No. I got confused with them before. Yes, we did. Yeah, God, that was an unfortunate advertising campaign. How long are your faces on those posters?

It really hurt the brand of Brian and James fucking Twitter. Because before we were clean. Yeah, yeah. Our administrators actually brought us in and sat as sounds like, which was not the image we want. So now we can talk about the important things. So I want to tell you about the gig.

It's only a little bit there, but, you know, I did a gig last night. Two gigs last night. Yeah, two gigs. So we're both doing well, you know? Yeah, yeah. I just Stitches Comedy Club, awful, awful time, like. Oh, really? It's a nice room, but there's a bunch of, like, drunk, bled, cunts, you know.

Oh, like, just go out very rowdy, were they? Like, yeah, they had the vibe of bankers, you know. But not the money to back it up, so they're even worse. Because there was bingo downstairs for the show, so they got all hopped up in bingo numbers. Oh, my God. And then they came up, and I was, well, what's the crowd? I'll tell you a fucking joke, will I. I was a fucking packie in a shop.

I was like, please, please stop. Please stop, sir. yeah yeah i swear to god they were so bad literally our friend mihole got up to do a set yeah oh yeah mehael's great comic and some guy shout out the n words are you serious yeah i swear to god oh my god shout out the end word mehaw's not even black no which is what racism is bad enough racism it's not even a right slur it's unforgivable yeah no it's not what would be the right slur i don't know oh i don't know either yeah but it's just like were awful cunts like

Jesus that sounds horrible and then again I always hate this is where they'll heckle you and afterwards I come up to you and kind of like here we did well

there didn't we he wants to join your like comedy team you did a set up I ruined it it was great oh god yeah bunch of those cunts

and then like afterwards as well these guys are literally shouting out the N word and other racial slurs the whole show like Jesus Christ

interrupt the Mice I don't care about using other people but my set I know what some important one, right? And then afterwards, some woman came up to me, not the lads, and was like, I didn't like the misogyny. Oh my, she blamed you for their misogyny. No, no, because there's a bit in it where I say Glass is Cunt. I call myself a Glasses Cund, she didn't like that.

You dropped the C word. Yeah, the C, the Cunt, the Cunt word. Cucant word. Yeah, Cicant. Hey, it's like that old joke. You like seafood? Yeah. You like Cicant. that's the kind of jokes those lads to tell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, can't do it. Oh, Jesus. Get on my country.

That's the kind of joke did tell. Wait, so, didn't, you told me some lads like, hey, I know 26 letters of the alphabet, but I don't know why.

Yeah. And he fucked that up. It's meant to be 25 letters the alphabet. Because there are actually 26 letters. And he put, he needs to put his hand up

like he's in school. In the middle of my set. Sir, I have something to contribute. Yeah, yeah. And this was like, and I was like, all right man you can show up now he's like I'm on your side

well he just saw the blonde hair blue eyes and thought you were one of him yeah yeah yeah we say it we say what everybody's thinking he's like 2020 we're coming back what oh god yeah oh it's awful that's horrible did not like them at all

no and then yeah so oh then the woman come up afterwards and she was like I just didn't like the rampant massage you because of me because of you I said the word cunt once what did you what did you what did you say to her, like, in response? Oh, well, I just, there's no point to argue with someone, because I've heard, seen other, I won't name

names, but I've seen other comics argue with people and, like, it's like, they're trying to change their mind. Yeah, I was like, you'll never change their mind, so. Yeah, just be like, ah, look, I was calling myself a cunt, you're probably not a cunt. What more do you want from me? I'm just like, I'm not going to get involved in it.

Yeah, yeah, you're probably right. As best, just, like, if you go, like, yeah, well, you're, you'll, fuck, I hope you die. If you go, like, that, like, it's like, she wins. Yeah, that's true So it's like, don't even Don't even get involved I probably should have called

I said the word Kant once I probably should have used it more because that lad Especially that lad put his hand up He deserved to call a con Yeah, it sounds like

he was a major C-Cunt I've gone better now At C-Cunch I've gone better now At just telling him that's to show up And not even like In a joking way No, no not even in a joking way

It's like sometimes he's got to go Like if you're doing Stand up Sometimes he's got to tell people To shut up Not get too angry Not be like I'm gonna fucking kill your kids

Like that like Obby get rape Just a little bit of like Hey, just shut up Yeah, it seems like I'm the calm one You're acting silly And not be And also not be too jokey

Where you're like, hey man If you were a bottle I'd tell you to put a cork You know Zing Yeah Yeah Yeah

They don't get that That's the thing Because if you start joking with them They think they're involved Then you know That's an awful problem I used to have Yeah

Yeah I think you've probably Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah You're fucking Remember around

Dropout once There's some We used to run a comedy club called Dropout And there was some lads in one of my sets was like Just randomly accused me shagging sheep Remember that? You might be downstairs at the time

But he was like, I mentioned I was a farmer And he was like, yeah, you fucking shag sheep And instead of telling us show up, I Tico like acted like Ah sure, ha ha ha ha maybe I do, maybe I don't You fucking do Well, ha yes, well Maybe you also shag sheep I fucking don't, you do

Yeah, you just don't, you have to Yeah, you can't engage with it like Well look, I got home Yeah I said it all that's all the manners. He got home. Got home, up at 9 next day. I was glad you won that contest

because you were pretty down on yourself the week before. Was it? Yeah, remember like, after we recorded the last podcast, you were just sitting there and you're talking about how you hate your job and like...

Oh, well, yeah, I do hate my job. Definitely. You were kind of looking down your shoes and you weren't like... I think you're remembering this the way you want to remember. Remember you were holding that cup but there was nothing in that.

Then you went to the bathroom for a while and the water started coming out. you had to break down the door oh god you're like what I'm just taking a 40 minute shit I tried to overdose on some ointment cream

some foot ointment but you just rub a little you put too much footignment on your foot yeah like well goodbye cruel world this is the end my only friend yeah no I was

because yeah I suppose like I just was stuck in the job which I'm still stuck in I haven't been able to quit or anything but the winning the award was a nice little boost to the confidence so I am happy you know it's kind of nice to get something every once in a while

I think speaking of awards Oscars The Oscars came up do you watch them I didn't I just sort of googled who won Oscar is a very boring ceremony like you know Oh it is yeah they had no host They're better off no one gives a fuck The thing about the host

They don't want to hear jokes I want to find everyone who ever does well Like every time somebody hosts the Oscars. The next day it's like, well, they were shit. It just sounds like the worst gig ever. You're going to piss off someone. Yeah. No one, again, none of the celebrities

actually care about your little monologue at the stats. I just want to find out if they want. Yes. And if they didn't win, they're going to storm out like Spike Lee. He stormed out, did he? He did, yeah. And then, like a little child, he faced the opt-a-direction then. Oh, my God. Because Green Book won instead of his film. Have you

watched Green Book? I haven't watched Green Book. I did see Black Klansmen. Like, it was good. No, Spike Lee is very good director I'm a big fan I like the way he says a Spike Lee joint That's a film Yeah That's pretty cool

That's pretty cool Actually I'm watch his films But I'm a big fan of this With Black Klansman That's the joint to start I probably did I'm sure yeah I can't remember

That's probably why he didn't win the Oscar That's probably why Because it's like older people And they were like What's a joint That's drugs He's black I won't have it

Get him out But yeah Green Book won best picture Did you see it Greenbook's great like look obviously it's a little like fantasy like he's a racist italian he meets a black guy they become friends like it's very unrealistic yes what happened when's it's set as well it's good it's vegan mortars it's set like back when back when um racism was around yeah yeah thank god that's

not around anymore whew god wouldn't that be awkward i know it's back in the 50s and like he has to drive this black guy around uh martial ali who's amazing from true from true detective season three he's brilliant he's a great actor love him the bits great and vigo's great and as well like playing like the racist italian guy yeah yeah he's great because he gets like he's racist but he's italian so he says things that you don't really understand like oh like uh like flu flus that's not the word that's not the word no i can't say the word it's like hey look at these flecky clacks you know like look at these cinnamon squirrels a bunch of burnt toast oh you know like

We're getting too close to the actual words. Stuff like that. But like then, like, as he's driving around, he learns a lesson, you know. It's a nice little fantasy, like, yeah, yeah. Like, as a white guy can watch him, be like, hey, maybe white guys aren't so bad, you know, even though we are, like. Oh, we're the worst. We are the worst human beings. Colonization?

Yeah, and you're all so weird about that. You know who direct a Green Book? Oh. It's one of the Farley brothers. One of the fucking Dom Dumbandoor, like, that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't believe when I found out, like, can imagine that. Yeah.

One of those Farry brothers is an Oscar-winning. director. That's amazing, yeah. Wow. I was expecting, I taught me funny if, like, he fell back into his old habits where there's a scene where Marshall Ali, like, um, eat some bad chili dogs. And that's to take like a horrific shit. Yeah. It's a massive shit. But it'd be

good because, like, um, it's like a dinner party full of racist white people. Yeah. And he's just shitting all over their thing. Just destroying the white porcelain. Take that. If that was in the scene, if that was in the movie, Spike Lee would love it. But yeah, look, um, I liked it. Olivia Coleman won best actress. Yeah.

Great. Sophie from Peep Show. That's, I can't. It's so cool to see her, like, just get better and better. And that's a great film as well, I'd recommend it. I'd say it for it. The favourite. The fact that there's a line in it where she says, I like it when her tongues inside me, and then she won an Oscar really shows how far we've come. Yes, it has. Yes, it has. Makes it cry. And speaking of tongues inside people, your man won for Freddie Mercury as well. Rami Malik. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is good, yeah.

He was great in it. The film itself was a bit kind of whatever, but he was fantastic. Yeah, yeah. He's a great actor as well. we can't talk with director because God damn it apparently though he had to Brian Singer of course was directing but then he was sort of forced to leave the project

halfway through they got the god director on who's actually directing the Rocket Man movie next Oh the Elton John one Oh very good very good He can do one gay Pick him on another But yeah Malik was great

If I was going to put money on who was going to win I would have put on Malik He was the favour I just kept thinking, I'd hope it funny if, like, let's say there was a big Queen fan watched that movie, but he didn't know that Freddy was bisexual. Oh, right. Or foreign?

Like, some, like, some UKIP member, what is that? He's like, what do? Bloody hell. You're having a fucking laugh. He's one of them? He fucking... Zanzi what? Zanz him!

He's a fucking Zanny! Oh, Jesus. Yeah, it'd be insane. Like, I'd be so if he freaked out in a scenario. will rock you we will invade you they're all coming in now they're coming in disguised as rock stars bloody sneaky

bastards get him out like he was like even his fucking name is like fagoot you know I think we have a pito jar we're probably going to have to get a racism jar or maybe the two could double up well that's that's the wee this is going to fill up pretty quick

we're going to lose a lot of money we're going to go into debt yeah but I'm happy one like I actually surprised. I enjoyed the film World and Hall. It wasn't as shit as I told them to be. Well, Bohemian Rhapsody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you, the musical sequences were great. That live eight concert, that was brilliant. That was very well done. Yeah, yeah, I wasn't even bored or anything. I was just, like, hummed along, like. And afterwards, I was, like, just proper, like, driving around the car, this and the queen.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe I'll be Freddy. Maybe I'll get a disease. That part, probably more likely, yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, college is going well, yeah. Okay, good. It's all about, we had a project about New York. was fun yeah like it was kind of like we were talking about you what's the thing that they put in um where the towers used to be oh the freedom tower the freedom tower yeah yeah it was kind of um again my lecturer was talking about that because we had to write about new york she's

talking about and i'm not i like my lecture a lot but it's kind of funny she was describing the freedom tower but it was a little bit too much like oh so fun it is a great day out you get to listen to the phone calls you get to see the victims you know it's seen old pram it's cookie it's it's like Benignans a bunch of crazy crap on the walls yeah yeah when we get bare if it was a Nettie rocket oh my god

it's a little bit too positive should they have a McDonald's set up like in the foyer Freedom Burger that's a North Tower stack it's huge that's just it's a run by Middle Easton guys

so like the whole time when your lecturer is talking about the Freedom Tower are you just in like the lecture hall going nanothermite I've seen Alex Jones you watch Alex Jones

and Joe Rogel I haven't watched the full thing It's four and a half hours I am watched the full thing I've seen little clips like I wish I could watch It's a full hour time Oh my God

He has gone You know what Insane I like him again then I It's say what you want about him But it is goddamn entertaining To watch

No he is entertained Like obviously I wouldn't let him be Like the grandfather Godfather The godfather I wouldn't let him be my grandfather but I wouldn't let him be the godfather to my child No, like he's not that reliable

But as a fun kind of art piece You're never bored watching him Yeah, yeah, yeah And he's just so hopped up He's just so, he was so wired He has to be like That's what all the comments says Like he's definitely on coke

He's just their interdimensional vampires show They're gotta take over It's transhumanism, that's what's going on I think though Alex is getting a little bit more aware Like he's kind of admitting That like maybe those kids did die in Sandy Hook Okay, well that's good And he did, did you see the...

Sorry, not good. Let me rephrase that. Don't take that other context. We'll have to get another jar. The Sandy Hook jar. That's what Alex Jones needs. Everything's going to talk like, oh, oh, oh, or, oh. Anyway, back to the, back to Henry being a pita.

Oh, I can't talk about that. So, but he is a little bit more self-wearer he's talking about, yeah, maybe I have a tiny bit of psychosis. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I've been at conspiracy. So he did say I'm retarded once. He did say that, yeah. That's an actual quote, so I can quote him. You will quote him.

I remember he did say, oh, I'm retarded and Joe Rogan says you can't say that anymore. Yeah. Don't tell me on a seat. Sorry, I just love doing Alex Jones' oppression. Oh, he's so fun, yeah. We need an Irish Alex Jones. Yeah, we do. I'm not even joking.

I was driving back from Stitches there last night at Comedy Club. Yeah. I listened to her radio and they have a lot of late night talk shows on, which is almost a bit like, it's like, it's like, it's like kind of laughing of freaks, really. We're just going to get, like, they get some mentlers on. They go, like, I hear you don't like, immigrants, do you? And then they're like, oh, no, the fuck is that! This one lad in the radio was talking about how there's immigrants coming over to the country to get the benefits.

Then they're buying spaghetti. Then they're driving around the place eating spaghetti. Those bastards. Yeah, yeah. And he, there's no, like, there's no sense of like. Spaghetti. Why spaghetti? Ah, because, you know, they like that stuff.

That's not, I mean, like, there's no, like, fun. It's fun, because the Mandala effect is the only one that makes me angry. Yeah, it's really stupid. Like, even Sandy Hook, like, even Sandy Hooking and last. laugh, and go, like, oh, Jesus. It's the only thing I can laugh at. I hadn't laughed in years until Sandie Hook happened. I turned on the news one day.

It was a real knee-slapper, let me tell you. Put some Betty Hill theme music on in the background. I've laughed this month since I saw dice in the garden. Hickory, Dickeroy, Dak. Your kids are all going to get shot. Yeah. No, but even

Sandy Hook is so ridiculous to act to think that they hired, like, like child actors. Yeah. Like from the Disney channel. What's my motivation? You're going to get shot in the face. Okay, beautiful.

And the fact that on the news, like, people might be like, have I not seen that kid on the Wizards of Waverly Place? Is that Selena Gomez? Oh, Jesus. So, like, yeah, but the Mandela effect makes me angry because it is just so stupid. Maybe briefly explain it for those who don't know. I'm sure everyone knows. The Mandela effect is what you call it,

when people have different memories of an event. and they think that their minds have been altered. Or it's like, you know, it's proof of alternative timelines or something like that. So, like, it originated from when Mandela died. Yeah, a lot of people... A lot of retards taught...

And I say, okay, I just go... I'm going off on this, okay? Okay. A lot of fucking stupid cunts thought he was already dead. Yes. Which obviously, there were probably just some racist cunts who were like, oh, no, I thought he died.

Wasn't he like Um Wasn't he the one that sang I see trees of green red roses too Yeah No that wasn't him No didn't he sing for the Toy Story movies

They're like no that's so wrong Yeah so like Instead of just going like Oh I guess I was wrong He wasn't dead He only died now They were like no it's definitely the Jews Rather than just be like

Oh maybe I got that wrong It's like, no, mind control, MK Ultra. Someone hacked into my brain and made me wrong about something. Like, they're the kind of conced that they're doing the table quiz. Yeah. And it was like, they asked them like a real simple question. Like, what's the capital of Australia? And they'd say, like, fucking, um...

They'd say Sydney, but it's not Sydney. Yeah, they'd be like, no, it is. They must have changed it and fooled y'all. And you all believed it. You bunch of sheep. Two-pack Elvis. Paul McCartney, Hitler, all live. And they're going to start at the best supergroup of all time.

Go, what a crazy mix of people like? Tupac Elvis, Paul McCartney and Hitler. All alive. All hanging out together. Where's Hitler supposed to be? To America or something like that? Brazil or something like that. Argentina, that's what it is.

Well, you know, if it is fair play to him, I wouldn't, they could probably have... Well, isn't it those, like, Hitler, they never found his body? Is that right? Yeah. See, that's why people are like he escaped. Oh, I just got an idea. Remember we were talking about plays, okay? Yeah.

Let's do that as a play. Two-pack Elvis, Paul McCartney, and Hitler. And I play all of them. It's a one-man show, and I portray. Now, two-pack might be difficult. Yeah, yeah. Elvis, Paul McCartney, Hitler. I can do Hitler very well.

Yes, you can. You've seen me last Halloween. Yeah. So how, yeah, that'd be interesting. Elvis, I'd be like, you know, I'm a horn. I'm a hound-on. Houndon. My wife was 14 years old when I was 30.

Yeah. Fair play. Yeah. So yeah, that'd be cool to play. That would be a very good play. There's lots of plays in Dublin at the moment talking about like it. A lot of the plays are all about like, you know, gender and people discovering themselves and their sexuality. Yeah.

And really important stuff about what it's like to be a millennial in this day and age. Of course. And then I come along going like, I wonder what two pack would think of mumble ref. Well, I might go a little sign Like this And seem Oh Again, that's almost like, it's almost like mainstream now

Like, they're all lizards It's like what do you want me to say about that Yeah, they're all lizards They're all lizards Yeah, so what Look, David Ike said this back in the 70s And then Terry Wogan laughed at him

And look where Terry Wogan's now Of course Terry Wogan laughed He's a bloody lizard Yeah and where's Terry Wogan now In the fucking ground Because I put him there You read Catcher at the Rye He's a phony

I gotta kill him You know You learn about all this stuff It's like What can you do about it You know what I mean Even if it's all true What can you do about it

What am I supposed to Start shooting down planes Yeah Well they don't let you do that anymore Ever since 9-11 You know I don't think it's like unreasonable to question

The fact that those towers All fell at freefall speed Okay maybe there is a perfectly valid explanation, but it certainly was unusual just to see it happen like that. The way Tower 7 collapses looks like a control demolition.

I'm not saying it was one, just saying you see it, it don't think it's unrealistic to go, oh, that looked a bit unusual. But anyway, hey, I don't want the lizard people coming after me, so. Yeah. I don't know. I'm a stage now where I kind of like, when people

talking about 9-11, I don't even know, I don't really like Look again As I said before If I find a smoking gun And I find the truth Well what's it going to benefit you like Yeah it's just like

It's like okay The government are corrupt And they kill people Well yeah Of course they do Do the government I thought it'd be actually kind of funny To do a movie based in the

perspective of The American government Trying to fake 9-11 Like that would be kind of funny Like the Farry birds Could direct it It's like dumbed Like we're seeing two guys

And they've been hired To like fake 9-11 and like they're just not very good no no and like one of them's got a crush on a girl and he thinks that maybe like if he this might impress her succeeds in pulling off

yeah there's another girl in Illuminati that he has a crush on so he's impressed her by blowing him up like hey Sarah yeah so I just got in charge with a big project yeah the world trade center uh yeah

me and Phil are gonna take it over yeah whatever okay I'll talk to you later I gotta go and two packs alive and he's asking for some very demanding things so I gotta go apparently Hitler showed up and those two

do not get along so I got to go oh okay Sarah see you later well Phil we gotta cost 9-11 buddy because I'm gonna get to second base yeah they kind of fuck it up we're like

they do 9-11 then she's like obviously doesn't melt steel beams you fucking idiot My dad was in that tower Oh, Sarah, no way, I'm really sorry Oh, can you ever forgive me I say we are, we are basically The Irish Alex Jones, we bring the truth

Whether you like it or not Do you ever check out Jesse Ventura? Oh, Jesse, he's very fun as well It's a conspiracy. Are you telling me that the government are trying to poison the population with fluoride, I've got to get the truth. I've been a governor and a fighter.

And now I'm going to tell you how the world works. He was also in fucking Predator. Yes, he was. Jesse the buddy Ventura. Which is like, it'd be hilarious. Like, he's asking, like, you know, let's say big government guy, okay? Like, look, come on. You can lay to me straight, okay?

JFK, yay or nay. Yeah. And he's like, normally I wouldn't tell you. And if I do, it'll kill my kids. But I do like the predator. If I can meet Arnold, I'll tell you. He doesn't return my phone calls. That's because he's a goddamn lizard.

Okay? Bangin his mouse made. That's a new episode. Like, Jesse Ventura, investigates his why won't Arnold talk to me? Why am I not in a new predator? Yeah, yeah. So, yeah.

a lot of fun. So, I was all saying, like, I looked up on Reddit, Irish conspiracy series. Okay. And I was the same before. A lot of them were just not fun ones. Just very boring. Well, like, one of them was like that the British security forces were involved in the Dublin Monaghan bombings. Okay. And so that's the comment there. And someone underneath just goes, they were. They were. Oh, confirmation. You heard all of them. Who, uh, from big ass dolphin. Thank you, big ass dolphin for, uh... Big ass dolphin, all the answers. bringing the truth to the people

it's by the people for the people look at my big ass a dolphin by the way it's just like someone like it's like Tony Blair anything else here there's one what's this

Carl O.T has a disinformation hub where conspiracies are debunked by paid students Carl OIT are working for Luminati. Jesus Christ or should we like go away like Well, Alex Jones went to Bohemian Grove

with a hidden camera We go to Carlo IT We're the lizard With cameras And a very aggressive interview in style We're like Nick Broomfield Walking around on the microphone You're a bloody lizard

I know you are Tell me the truth I want to know everything Biggie and Tupac were murdered by Shug Knight Fuck I tell you When we do Patreon Now he won the Pringle episodes is where we will go and just harass her one night.

It'd be like an 80s campus movie. Brain and James go to Carlo I.G. You always like in Animal House, down with a ladder, looking at girls. We look at the shower to just zip off their human suits to become lizards. I get hard and I fall to ladder.

Let's see. I have a conspiracy series. I don't think you're doing anything you see it. The Irish government funded the Provisional IRA in the 1970s. Maybe they did. Good. I hope so. I hope it did. Yeah. That'd be fun.

Fun if they were still doing it today, like. So look, let's move on from. Should we go on to a real, a real, not even a theory, just a real, what's going on? I forgot what you call a non-conspirus theory. A news story? Yeah, fact. Fact. Yeah, yeah.

So the big thing going on at the moment would probably be the whole, like, uh, Michael Cohen testifying. Oh yeah against Trump. In front of Congress. Yeah, yeah. Cohen was going to go down. Yeah. They had him. Okay. And then he was like, you know, like a snitch was like, oh, look, I got big things about Trump. I can tell you. Right. And it's funny because in, so he's testifying now. And he's like,

oh, I wait till they these bombshells on you, okay? Yeah. I got some big bombshells about Trump. And like, it's like, he slept with a porn star. And we're like, yeah, we know that. We know that. And he's like, yeah. And also, he's racist. that's not really like... Yeah, it's not a big shock. Unless you have video of him like...

Saying the N-word. It's like... Yeah. We kind of knew this as well and it's like... Well, apparently there is. Video's like, apparently between takes of the apprentice, he'd be saying it. Just to get out of his system. You know why like some people would say,

how now brown cow to practice their ditches? But just saying the N-word in different tones of us. Yeah, so like, it's like... I know. I think Michael Cohen was just desperate and he was like, oh, I got all this big stuff about him. but it's almost like if I went down and I was like oh I got I got loads of stuff about Trump

did you know he's divorced they're like yeah he got divorced a few times a few times Jesus yeah I don't know I suppose like obviously with the shitty saying nobody's like it's not blowing anybody away but I guess the left are just hoping

that he reveals or he has something that's you know I hope so proof of something that could see Trump impeached I want some proper juicy shit about Trump but it seems like no matter what it is You could watch Michael Cohen's testimony Or you could watch the 2008 roast of Donald Trump And you get pretty much the same information

Yeah Well at least Snoop Dog said it with When he was hot When he was smoking the reefer, yes sir Yeah, it's an ongoing investigation We'll see what happens I'm just reading about Cohen now Apparently his dad was a mob doctor

Is that right? Yeah, yeah Treat the Lucchese crime family Yeah, they're Italian one of the first five families. Oh. That was just cool because like his dad was

and you know working for the mob basically, mob doctor and it'd be funny if he, the son was like, hey, I'm not going down that path dad.

I'm going to work for justice. Yeah. I'm not going to hang around scumbags like that. And he becomes Trump's lawyer. He's like, oh no. I'm repeating the sins of the past.

Oh, Jesus. It's almost like, it's not even that sexy story like they were colluding at Russia. Yeah. Which is kind of like,

you know, I'm sure there's like lots of countries in South America they're like, wait, you mean like, other countries shouldn't control your elections? Wait, what?

America's been doing there for years. Yeah, exactly. It's not like that sexiest story. We want something more like, you know, Trump has like a dead hooker in his basement or something like that.

You're something like really like, you know, get them like. So yeah, it's just sad that like, I'm not really like, everyone else is having fun. I'm just trying to like be topical. Yeah. About the news.

Who gives that fuck? Stay informed. I should be off. Having fun. You should. Not like researching. fucking Cohen's dad's, like, you know, his involvement to the Lukaise crime family.

How is that going to impress any woman in the future? I'll put that my Tinder bio. I'm quite an expert when it comes to this. We're in college days, well, we're talking about the Olympics. The Olympics. I didn't know how corrupt and just, like, unmanageable and kind of like a burdened Olympics is to countries. Is that right?

Yeah, every year just gets more and more expensive and more and more corrupt. Like, the one in Russia, especially, that went four times as big. budget. It was like the most expensive Olympics ever, like, yeah. They went over four times the proposed budget. Like, that's insane. Like, why?

Who gives us shit about the Olympics? That's what I mean like? For ages, like, they want it because, um, you know, it's good for the country. But now, because it's getting so, uh, overblown. Now it's the only corrupt countries are only ones they're going to use it. Like, yeah. Like, I'm not interested in the Olympics at all. I've never paid

attention to it, so I don't know anything about it. The only good one was the one with the Nazis. You know, knew what I meant. Yeah. It's where Jesse Owens beat him all. So that's how I meant. Like, I didn't mean, like, it was the only good one because Hitler was there.

Yeah, yeah. Because Jesse owns beat him. Hitler was like, oh, like, oh, I guess I might as well shoot myself then. I wonder would Ireland ever try to host the Olympics? I'm not the special Olympics, but it's not exactly, yeah. Yeah, but like. It's not exactly Jesse Owens, is it? Could we?

Like, do you think this country would be capable of hosting the Olympics? I hope not, because it would just go to shit, like... Like, Dublin would just be a fucking... All homeless would be euthenact. overnight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'd just be, yeah, if they're lucky,

they're euthanized. Okay. Yeah, and then, like, the prices would go, because, you know, Irish people especially, we're kind of greedy cunts. Oh, yeah.

So, like, we'd raise everything. It'd probably go to shit, like, we'd probably ruin the international reputation of Ireland should have process, like, just imagine, like, they have all these amazing athletes coming to Dublin.

There's no, there's no... There's no facility that could hold it. Like, they'd build all these big facilities. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then just end up going to shit knowing, wants them like no one needs a big fucking polo

what's the dressage yeah they don't need a big dressage stadium no and eventually becomes a place where junkies fingering each other sweet well that's the one aspect of it that we could that's Olympic sport I want to say proper commentaries talking about

absolutely beautiful form there he just slipped it in no problem he can find a vein he can find anything he is Beautiful. That's definitely a really bad sketch that someone's definitely written, like, the Junkie Olympics. We'll finish on this little thing then. So I'll say about Green Book as well.

People are very like, you know, it's like a white fantasy kind of thing. Like, it's designed to make racist people feel better about themselves. That's kind of like, hey, look, hey, maybe I can be a bad guy, but if I'm slightly nice to a black person once, then I'm the hero. Yeah, yeah, all is forgiven. That's what they criticize, but like, it's better to learn a lesson. Like, it's funny, start a green book. I'm not ruining anything. Start a green book.

His wife brings these two black guys to, like, fix something, and they drink out two glasses. And they throws a glass in the bin. Oh, my God. In case the kids catch black. Like, this kid just comes in with dreadlocks. Hey, paps. Ah! Yo, I knew what happened.

Farrah, did you throw out those glasses? Oh! Oh, you're coming in here, we're fucking James Brown all of a sudden, ah, oh. Yeah, so, like, people are criticizing that. I think he's a little bit, like, ah, come on, let him enjoy their little thing,

like, it's a well-done film, it's a little bit. Is it not, though, that the guy, I mean, haven't seen the film, but is it not that the guy kind of learns the errors of his ways? Yeah, he does, yeah. So, is that not a good thing? And you know, what else is cool about Green Book?

So that guy that Bigel Morrison's playing, this guy called Tony Litt, and he went on become an actor, and then he appeared in The Sopranos. Is that right? Yeah, I'll show you a picture of him right now. That's crazy. I'll show you.

So Tony Lips, soprano. You definitely know him. That guy. Oh, he plays, what do you call him? Fucking. Well, look it off now. Yeah. Carine?

No. Carmine Luperinthia. Yeah, Carmine Lupertze. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's me. It's a nice, like, regardless of what you say about Green Book, that just comes a show that, like, it doesn't matter how racist you are. You could still end up in a sopranos.

That's amazing. What a feel good story. That's that hard. warming store. That's something for all white people. They're like, yes. And the one Fari brother is like, no, that's not what I meant at all.

Oh, Jesus, gosh. So look, we'll end it there. Yeah, we'll end it there. You have anything to plug before we go? Yeah, I've got a couple of, well, actually. You have another competition this week. So do you. Yeah.

Imagine if you won double. Oh, that won't happen. You say that now, but if you did, oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. If you did, you literally would become King of Ireland. If you did, okay, this is a little thing, this is true now. If you win two comedy competitions in a row, right, they give you a special, like, they give you three points, okay, and each point is a kill.

No way, I get three kills. Yeah, you get three untraceable bullets. You can kill anyone in the scene. Oh, my God. Not just comedians either. Anyone who works for RT? And you're like, oh! Only three?

Only three? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. So, yeah, we both have that competition on Tuesday. Yeah, that's right. And on Wednesday, the roast battle. I hope you all come along to that.

I was saying before, like, it's me versus a much more successful comedian. So even if I, like, roast him. Even if you'd, like, destroy him. Yeah, he still, like, at the end of the day, goes home with his girlfriend who loves him. And he gets to do lots of paid gigs. And I'll be like, ha, I got you. Now I'll go back to listening to a Robert Mueller document.

Oh, Jesus. So anyway, look, that's the end of the show, right? That's it. Goodbye, everyone. Thanks for listening.