Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 190 : My Lover, Gary Cahill

Episode Date: March 19, 2023

Gary used to work in Tesco.

So I said two of the guys from Encealman won Oscars. I'm repeating it. And Jimmy Kimmel made that joke. Then I said, Polly Shore. Polly Shore is going to hang himself. Talk over me. Jealousy. Jealousy that me and Kimmel, great minds working alike.

And you're, what do you look at you wearing shorts when it's raining outside? Sure sign of a pedophile. Anyway, hello, Gary. Only during your school hours, the shorts come out. Anyway, so we got Gary Cattle here. and we have over the year I'd say developed quite a close bond yeah I used to see you around comedy clubs

didn't we know who you wore you still don't but I don't really not I keep my distance you know keep your friends close your enemies closer you guys work together we do in an undisclosed location yeah it won't be aware but it's black ops it's off the books man

yeah it's cash in hand it's cash in hand that's how fucked up the Irish government they have to use you two freaks for their honey pot operation you know what I mean yeah fucking just Michael D. Higgins

getting Eiffel towered by the Perry is I'd fucking what's his name Varad Gras there with a polarite click got you now Michael you're in trouble sorry anyway

how are you getting on Gary I'm good I'm good fucking just bollocks you know yourself good just like physically and mentally yeah

well actually I'll be honest with you I'm not good energy I'm not hitting 90 now either because I was drinking last night both he is or have problems, I think. Alcohol problems.

No, it's not problems. This is your intervention. You sign stand on convenes have mental health problems. No, no. None of the good ones, anyway. Only the bad ones. Only the freaks. It's like, ooh, I feel sad. Well, don't tell anyone.

Do not tell. They'll lock you up in an asylum. Keep that shit to yourself. You fucking weird, oh, but freaks me out, to be honest, be around these people. I'm sad. Get away from me. I was with a sad person recently, and it is very uncomfortable, isn't it?

It must be mean around, Dave, but you kind of just want to get away from him, you know? Yeah, yeah, shoved up in front of a boss, you know? I was working in a Tesco years ago, and we had the charity backpackers in. Oh, yeah. So, like, you know, in a football club needs money for a trip. They have a guy who just like,

oh, we'll help pack your bags while you sit in the checkout. Yeah. It was just the most boring, horrific thing ever. So I was sitting there for four hours with a guy who told me every conversation he had, his wife left them. So every interaction he had with a customer, he brought up his wife leaving him. So I'm sitting there doing a full shift, scanning the stuff.

And I was like, I'll make small talk with him. Oh, like, did you watch the match on the weekend? No, I stopped watching football after she left me. I just can't bear to watch TV. And I was sitting there for a four-hour shift, just listen to this guy, vent. I can see why he's alone now. Wait, why? He's not on a football team.

He's not going on a school trip. Why is he there? Who's he packing bags for? They get roped into these charity events, like, you know. oh help sponsor us we're going to climb a mountain and we want you to pay for it why because I'm not paying for that

I don't know they always get obnoxious teenagers coming in packing the bags they do it all wrong they put the bananas in with the domestas you know that is just no good packing educate

they put the loaf of bread on the bottom and then a three litre of milk is like you mentally deranged fuck stick get the fuck out of here now that's what I would have told him so Gary like I I was working with you for a while

I thought you were so-so but we really bonded because we both did the furry convention and that was when I saw a new side of you there yeah a nice animalistic side to me yeah

for context I wasn't dressed as a furry I just performed for them yeah you fucking coward yeah I couldn't get that poacher outfit in time off wish.com just me and a boys large poacher outfit

that would be good actually showed to a furry convention as a poacher you know that's what I thought but it wasn't even like in a room for them though it's a real gun it is

yeah it's a bit it's a musket but yeah no it was kind of a bit of a letdown because I had so much expectations for this

yeah you I thought the furry convention would be like basically just like a bunch of just naked people fucking each other but there was just

a few like weird sad people dressed as bears you know it wasn't really like the kind of hot fuck fest I was hoping for

that's the thing like there was no spit on the ground there was nothing cool it was literally just me oh jiz well I examined every inch of that floor, not an ounce of james.

They had free sausages, though, I liked that. Not a free... I was a real scumbag. It's cannibalism. To have anybody there dressed as a pig eating a saucy? Fucking munching on a saucy, man. Sick fuck. That he gets his kick.

Because I was your plus one. I just, like, didn't even watch you do comedy. I just walked off to get the free sausages. He didn't even turn up with me. We were there before me as well. Yeah, I did it. You camped out the night before. I'm here to watch Gary.

Like a Harry Potter book lunch. oh you did your bit you know I scammed them I scammed them I supposed to 15 minutes Mark Maloney was there as well

actually we had last time but yeah I was there right I was tired I ran from work so I was like sweating out of breath and I was standing on the stage it wasn't even a stage it was a corner

I had a mic but there was three people who organised it standing there in the background this fruity convention going on open bar music so no one was paying attention oh right okay

and I made a joke like Oh God, I'm sweating more than you guys in the outfits. Nothing. I was doing set up and punchline, nothing. That's not all of me on stage. But I stand there and I said, how long have I left? 12 minutes.

Oh, fuck off. I'm not standing here for 12 minutes. Just got offstage like a young Bon Jovi. And then I got handed 20 euros, oh yeah? You got paid, and he got paid the same as people who did the full sets as well. That's great. Which is great.

That's a great scam right here. Yeah, man, you're like Bernie Madoff in a furry convention. I think it was Maloney gave you to hook up to the furry world, right? Does he... No, he's assumed that because the way he looks and looks. Yeah, he does.

He's halfway there, isn't he? Now, you, in fairness to you, you just got back from America, hadn't you? Yeah, that was class. So you're still a little bit jet lag, probably. Yeah, we go with jet lag. Yeah, I hung over. Yeah, exactly.

That's a good way of saying it. And how was America? You were there for how long? Oh, about 10 days. America's class because, again, while we grew up with looking at America, that kind of New York, L.A. kind of like touristy stuff

didn't get to do that thankfully because we're girlfriends from America so literally got in with the actual reasons against the infiltrating I was in with the real people what part of America Philadelphia

oh Philly nice Philly's cool I like that Go birds No because Philly's like Dublin people where were hated by the rest Yeah yeah

I do enjoy that that they are just like bottom feeding trash and at every opportunity to disprove that they completely go against It's like Yeah yeah fuck my sister

What's your problem Hey, a Philly cheese steak up or twat. But also, like, they win a Super Bowl or to lose a Super Bowl or any reason at all. They do with January 6th every week, like, for no reason at all, just for the crack. Yeah, man. I'm going to let the cat in. You talk about Philly. Do you want me to let her in?

No. Okay. Oh, it is fun in Philly, though. Just drop the mic like your Chris Rock at the end of a special. Yeah, got to let the cat in. Yeah. Brian's parents also told him not to fight in front of white people. she's back

the cat's back in they don't trust you with the cat here they're expecting to come home and find the cat dead and you're trying to bury her

in the back garden he can still have in the letter tray but buries her in the letter try Philly yeah yeah what was yeah I said

it's like Dublin where guys are really aggressive from there I think best example was I almost got bed up because I didn't know a dolphin personally that's the most

Philadelphia a dolphin I don't understand this what's a dolphin it's like a big fish I thought there was a slang for something What do you mean because you don't know a dolphin Yeah some guy goes to me

If you're really Irish I think it's a mammal though isn't it It's not a fish It is a mammal but we're not into statistics Yeah, sublantic Yeah Aquatic stuff No he basically goes to me

If you're really Irish Do you know fungi the dolphin You know that dolphin from them Context yeah fungi It's weird what Some Philly guy knows fungi How do they know about fungi Yeah I don't like that

Already he's the biggest freak in the room. They shouldn't know about fungi. An obscure tourist attraction in like, where is it? Leash or somewhere. Kerry, isn't it? It's not a leash, yeah. It's not a leash. Yeah, it's down in Carleaux.

It's a dolphin in Carreux. It's dead on the beach. Just in a council estate. Yeah, just in a fucking, a paddling pool that is bought out of Alwood. Oh, like the cock fights. Yeah. Just throw a child in with fungi and just let him kick the fuck out of it. Well, I said before.

Six-year-old kick. I said before there's a guy on you who was big into the dark web And he used to watch like these illegal streams of like You know a scorpion versus like you know A cat or something like that He's like animals fight Cat would fuck up a scorpion Nah them little scorpions with the tile

I guess Well it's different things like snake versus You know cow or something like that Or like you know Okay that one I want to watch Malaysian versus chicken you know like weird stuff like that Anyway, so explain what happened. Oh, so basically he's taking a piss and asked someone,

what time says Barclosa, 30 conversation started at 2 in the morning. And someone's like, oh, 3 o'clock, that's a funky accent where you're from. Oh, Ireland, some guy barges out of the bathroom stall, squares up to me. I didn't even take his cock, but my cockbacker, still flopping around.

Midwife. He's like, hey, Pat, you know. But definitely don't coke now, I'm guessing. But he just screams at me. If you're really an Irish guy, as if I'm lying. You know, it's not like, I'm at a visa appointment.

So he stands there and goes, if you're really Irish, do you know Fungy the Dolphin? And me being like, well, I don't know him personally as a joke. No, you're not really Irish. It pushed me.

But like, do you know Shammu? Get out of you. He salted me. When there's penis out. No, he didn't have his penis out. But, um, yeah. Wait, how big was this guy? Pretty my height,

but I'm very skinny, so he's probably like adult size. He's already got the crazy factor. He's running out of the bathroom with his cock flop. It's like, hey, you know, Frung me the Dolphin You fucking

And etc I'm glad I lost Super Bowl now These people are all scum No thanks to your girlfriend But like parents who I listen Hi guys But these people sound awful Well that's because we're in the city though

Okay So you get out of the city Is you in the city much No it's only when I was doing that gig there What gig? Stand up gig No tell the listeners A gig in Philly

Yeah I did a gig in Philly Yeah listeners don't know That's what I'm saying I'm leading into a story I hope Yes Oh yeah I guess it was pretty fun so as it was actually a bill conway funny enough set me on to me because he did a gig in philadelphia place called fergus bar so d'em the guy blah blah blah get me a spot went in it's pretty fun

well like my market though you have to like rewrite your whole set you know because you don't get your angeles stuff do they yeah they don't get my uh so i was in church and uh yeah no it's pretty fun i like that idea just like that idea just like writing stuff of you in that city you have to mention fungi a lot more just to get inside yeah fungi's a national treasure there yeah yeah no it's pretty cool though and the dark web thing you're talking about saying to go my mate works as a fucking content moderator yeah and the shit he says he watches but he tells me like 80% of his day is taking down a picture of carty bee's nipples really yeah that's like the most seen image in work it's online is it hey if it is he's not doing a good job really

oh why's that i mean who gives a shit about that like you know offset does but um offset he's he's dead isn't it takeoff what's her what's our quavo Cuevo Yeah Cuevo's dead Yeah Cuevo's dead Oh you're right

Yeah Yeah Oh you're all set's dead Whatever Wait I tell you what Let's just roll back For me next I'm trying to keep a track

of Gary Cattle Here in your history So what was your first job Because you've had a lot of jobs Over the years Oh first proper job Was in Musgraves That's like a what they call

A wholesalers or something Like that's where shops buy there Exactly The most depressing job ever It's where like Super Value Get all their stuff Yes it's where the show

shops come to shop. Well, that's a good slogan. Is it? Do they use that to this? It's like a truck truck. No, their slogan is Buzz Graves, not actually Muslim Graves. We have to be very specific about that. No, we're getting trouble again.

Just people turn up with dead relatives. We've been over this. We don't bury them. A bunch of lads from the BNP, like, well, I don't want a fucking, I don't want a load of tinge of pineapple. That's what I came here for. Sorry, you were, you were choking on your tea there

by apologies your first job was Musgraves and what was your job in Musgraves like what was basically what that job was so it'd be like

the checkout but you wouldn't have a checkout you'd have to stand there all day because everyone's buying like 20 plus things of everything and don't

crates a shit and you'd have to scan it and physically lift it into another trolley you couldn't just like that's like hard labour oh I last at a month it was awful

and I have a tent to quit when it gets tough I like quitting yeah Yeah, it shows a real sign of character Well, people talk about how great it is to succeed, you know, to achieve something, quitting is so much

better. Quentin is the greatest feeling of all times. It's also easier as well. It's like people talk about like eating well. Try to eat it bad. Yeah, that's way better. Yeah, well, I don't know, the economy is about the collapse again, so we all quit our jobs.

You know, it's good for you because I think me and you, Gary, are both spoken for at the moment. Yeah, we both have partners Cadden you don't have anyone at the moment no I'm very lonely Brian thank you for bringing it up

no but there's a happy ending to this story there is yeah finally you say that every week but I'm still I've always found myself

with my dick in my hand and people laughing at it but well don't jerk off in the bus don't tell me I'll live my life but the vibrations on the back sea

the recession's coming we're going to see it'll just be a lot more people who are desperate and they're going to come to you then so you have your pick of the litter what what will I do date them if you want oh okay yes

so you want me today's a bunch of no I mean you're like a date like it become real cheap because instead of like bringing her out to a nice meal any meal you buy your happy meal eat the happy meal and give her one chip let her eat the toy yeah yeah that's just

I want to see if you can swallow the whole thing go that's probably the healthiest part of the thing though You offer books now, funny enough. Oh, where? I think, yeah. What? Happy meals.

I said in McDonald's your day, and they go, you have your choice of toy or book. Ooh, what? That's worse for a kid. I remember the McDonald's. I got a Madagascar jukebox, and he used to play that song, you know, I want to, or what's on? I like to move it, move it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, my dad, we were driving home and I was playing it for the whole trip until he actually took it and threw out the window.

Good man. Not good man. Your dad's a pimp. That's where the problem started. So it was musgraves. And then what? was next, the wholesalers, and then what was the next job? Oh, then that was at Tesco for five years.

Tesco for five years. Yeah. You were a trooper. I was a ship. I worked for during the pandemic. That's how to get out. Yeah. I thought Tesco was only for a few months or so, but five years.

So you really have connections in Tesco. I did. No, what happened was... Are you still there mentally? Oh, God, no. I can't even shop in there anymore. But, like, when you go to sleep, like, you still dream of Tesco and, like, when you close your eyes, you know, like, when an army man come back from war and he all sad.

yeah it's like that you just have dreams of the reduced to clear section no just a sticker over in my mouth mouth no what's the deal with reduced to clear

it's all poison right that's what they're doing they're poisoning the freaks and the mongoes yeah is there what's the thing we're trying to cut down the population

by poisoning us kind of like with that vaccine depopulation yeah yeah that's sink water no no fucking so I think the last straw

was working there during COVID because it was just like the worst of humanity Was that a wacky time was it? Yeah, it was a nine because like you had to wear the masks so everyone looked like a dentist. Have you ever watched the show Superstore?

Yeah, I watched bits of it. Yeah, so it wasn't as fun. It wasn't like a wacky Asian gay guy. No, there was a... Then I'm going to kill myself. During COVID in a Tesco and Dinglis? I don't think so bad.

There was a lady who came in and stole cheese once and what she started doing was in the middle of stealing cheese she sold herself respect she what oh shit herself

basically yeah wow I like her so polite like this greedy cheese criminal soiled herself and did defecate upon her person

she defecate on my face and I was quite miffed the best bar was the security guy came around the corner took one look seeing her shitting and just walked around

the corner oh respect to that guy that guy he knows the game yeah that's exactly what you do in that situation there's some guys though anyone who shits themselves

you turn and run yeah you're not paid enough especially if it's your own child that's where people just leave her in the Tesco wait that's me you keep talking yeah we'll just talk there

so I know some people like you know that guy there just walked away I know a guy who's working in a stunts I believe in where was it now I think Port Leash actually and he was telling me

all these stories about like he saw a guy stealing some batteries and he battered him so you shouldn't be doing that no that's yeah he was like there's a drug taker a drug and two

in the bathroom shooting up heroin and he was like, I got to just batter the shit out of him. Yeah. Yeah, that's not something that's not a cool thing like that's not Was he a security guard? Security guard, yeah. You're not allowed to batter people.

Definitely not. And he's like, yeah, this junkie was doing heroin and he was all sad and I knocked his teeth out. Best day in my life. I gave him a swirlie for three hours. Yeah, he drowned. Well, it's my fault is lung capacity's dog shit.

Yeah, no, you see some characters and that. So did you have to deal Did anyone, like, give you shit in Tesco? The weirdest one we had, this creepy guy'd come in. Big, fucking fridge of a guy. And he literally, used to creep on all the girls. We were, like, I'm he 20 and 20.

And he went up to one of the girls, red-headed girl, 19. And goes, for a front of the girl. You remind me of my favorite song. Then he goes, it takes a red-headed woman to turn me on. Says that to, like, basically, a 19, Rob. But the worst thing is, right, he was nice to me. Did it work? Yeah, they're going out to this day, yeah.

So, literally, the worst I never had was, he came into me. and calls me off and goes, I was on an adult website last night. That's never a good start to any conversation and work. I was on an adult website last night and somehow they took 30 euro on my account.

And he started asking me for tips and advice and has this happened? Wow. And what about this face, screams? Scammed on porn sites. Yeah. It's not really a scam, is it?

Just to give them your information. It's not exactly Oceans 12. These cam girls took my digits. I gave him 30 quids. I fell for that. scam again of they ask me for money and I give it to him should I go to the small business bureau

small claims court I shall see you there I think their tits were fake so I just get the money back grounds for a mistrial your honour and it's still just you and Tesco is like man I'm not a judge I don't know what you're and you're other weird stuff in Tesco

trying to think of weird stuff I think man that's five years that's a whole Edinburgh show yeah the Tesco Chronicles special oh funny enough right What about Tales of Tesco? Yeah, or everything that helps. Ah. Yeah, it's like you crying, the posters you crying.

Yeah, yeah. Please put your bag in the bag in area. Just me crying in the bag in area. No, the funniest one was they had a thing called Tesco got talent. So you send in a clip of like people singing, dancing. And my manager was like, I did one stand-up gig. It was from that gatey thing. You know, like, basically you do a stand-up course for 10 weeks.

and then you do a showcase at the end where everyone in the course everyone brings their friends and family it's a safe room you can go up there and just make fart noises for five minutes and you get a big round of applause

so had that video I'm eating a five minutes set not making fart noises but a five minute set of me doing comedy I wish it was I mean pretty funny just send that into like

the international 50 minutes so you would have a wuppie pushing be like oh hope I don't sit on this like Gallagher with the watermelon you're just like walking around what's good What am I going to do?

Doing crowd work. Someone on stage and trying to sneak the wuppie cushion on the sea. But no, so I fucking sent in the video and the video, looking back, it's awful. It's awful grinder joke

but for five minutes, stretching it out. And basically I had to send in a clip. So my man goes, oh, you do stand up, sending that to Tesco Got Talent. So we sent in a five minute video of me just doing a grinder joke basically.

And I got the email back and it was literally, sorry we cannot accept this. There's going to be children and mothers and all this watching have you anything more family friendly I was like oh come on it's going to be something like Doris singing

like Mary Black who's going to win it or something shit like that you know some Susan Boyle con she ended up back in Tesco Mary Black didn't she? She was stealing chaise and chat herself who is the one from Tesco she used to work at Tesco in Bali Fermat she was Mary Byrne Merdy Byrne

yeah and she won like Ireland's got talent Or something when was this X factor or something yeah X Factor. I was like 10 years ago. Oh, I missed all this. Yeah, yeah. But I used to, I went to like a fucking PLC course in Bally firm at Balil. And she used to work there. I remember seeing

her. And then like when you go back like after she'd be on the show, they had a big cardboard cut out. It's like, it's Mary from X Factor. I think she ended up back working there. Pretty sad. She couldn't get a job back. I think she's like doing Duns now. She had to get

a job as a standing for the cardboard cut out. Joe. It was very humiliating. Yeah, like literally I think that peak of X Factor is like you get a lifetime contract in Butlands or Trebalgan, you know, one of them shitty holiday resorts. Yeah. You know, Tenerife, see you on X Factor, Tesla, and E!

Yeah, you're handing no fucking wristbands. Those shows, like, that's why the whole sort of push for mental health care has really ruined all those shows. That was the fun. You bring the mongoes out, they can't sing or dance, Simon Cowell and the Pussycat dolls.

they all point and laugh at them and then they storm off and say he's gonna be working for me won't they now I'm coming back blood I'm going on all of these you get me and German fucking whatever Dermin O'Leary's like oh yes yes

course you will yeah Ant in deck or behind him like pretending to do blowjob face you know it's all very demoralising but it was good TV it's like modern day like jester

you know like you get a jester dancing in front of you and then he hit him over the head with a stick and put them out of their misery I wish he had the stick You know Exartar if you don't sing well We're going to club you under head with this stick

Yeah Just like go on there done Go on deck Hit it with the stick I think that could work Not enough live executions on TV Yeah Yeah

Anyone asks an inappropriate question I hate so many people man Like a Moroccan storekeeper Get out of here You never worked in retail Brian did you No never I wasn't accepted I worked in like petrol stations So you know

Yeah it was kind of the It was fuel, but then also Twix's, you know. It was a very high-pressure environment, you know. I had to provide all these services. You watch Wall Street every day, like, I dressed up like Gordon Gecko. Twix is good. I've been, but I worked at a 24-hour petro station of Monaghan, right? And our whole thing is we had a deli open the whole time.

So like on a Friday, Saturday night, it just be full of drunken Monaghan retards, and then stupid codens from like our, man Tyrone coming down and there'd always be big fights like oh hey you're a fucking prod don't call me a prod you fiendant but you know five euro pizzas are hard to say no to and these were good ass

pizzas let me tell you God I used to steal so much shit Did you ever steal from Tesco? No sadly I didn't Really? I didn't Why are you a fucking company man over here It was now how I left I used to fleece every shop I ever worked in you know

I respect that's why I respect you Yeah No nothing else we had a girl in the job special needs and uh wait what did you say we had a girl in the job

who had special needs and she used to always shoplift good and it got to the point where he had to bring like her carer in for a meeting and they were like

um the carer gets arrested neglect no what happened was they brought the carer in and um they were assigned to him look

because she was like she keeps stealing and all this because she was stealing batteries every day like no no no what she's doing with the batteries

but batteries batteries are expensive yeah so she's stealing loads and loves of batteries And they brought her car in, and they were like, so what's happening with what she's doing? Like, she keeps stealing batteries and all this.

She goes, yeah, and she keeps coming home and all these link sets too. Like, what do you mean she's taking link sets as well? So they're carrying her out as well. Oh, my God. I say the car was putting her up to her. Yeah, I mean, that could have been a Kaiser-Souza situation, you know. She gets a few feet away, starts walking normally with an arm full of batteries. She's Kevin Species, what we're saying.

Spoilers. No, how I left the job was pretty funny How you leave? Went drinking with my friend Rob Which Rob? Not comedian Rob Okay Well, I don't care

An actual person Yeah, yeah Civilian with hopes and dreams We don't care for that type You and him have beef now Rob Nodder And James, you might not know James beat the fuck out Rob Nodder

A roast battle there We don't have beef Where me and Rob are all good Rob disagrees Oh No Rob, Rob, I found Rob in the toilet recently His mascara is running

Yeah, well, you know I had to put a little bit of a hurting on him. You know, hey, look, he's a young, he's a young calf, but I'm the old bowl. And I got to teach him a few things. The old bull has to ride the calf. Yeah, exactly. I got a buck break him, you know. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, this thing of ours, you know. Me and Rob are all good. He actually asked if he could use one of the things like, one of the horrible things I said to him. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, go for them. Oh, you let him do it? Yeah, for money. Yeah, that's right.

No, I'm going to blackmail him. You get 20% of everything he gets. So if he ever gets pussy from a gig, you get 20% of that. Okay, at least a hand job. Yeah. I don't know if that's 20%. Maybe she could spit on it while I jerk myself off. That's better.

That's a dirty. That's better. That's way better. I do like spitting. Yes. Especially when it's Rob Nodder. He's the throat goat. No, look, no disrespect to Rob.

Look at you there. You see what he's doing? trying to stir up shit you know me and rob are all good i tell you i like him a lot more than i like you right now how about that how does that suit you hey put that in your pipe and spoke it so you you quit uh because of rob yeah no what happened to him was me and him went out drinking so it's like cove at times where pubs are open but they weren't really open you had to get out after six hours right yeah so we went out to town are drinking in wuckmans and got blackout drunk and i decided to quit my job and move to berlin

and he decided to quit the job and move to Brussels and do an internship but I got so drunk I texted my manager drunk said I quit the job and moved to Berlin I told everyone was doing it woke up next morning hung over and I was like oh my God I had to move out of the shame

I couldn't just like not go so I was literally like yeah double down of this that's great best thing I ever did well why Berlin of all places people have magical Berlin seems all foreign over there seems yeah well you explain it actually

I was going to make you know, judgments about something I know nothing about it. Yeah, a bunch of frogs in there?

Full of Chinese food over there, isn't it? Bouch of fucking Greek Wab Guinness. Yeah, with their kilts.

And no foreign ones or anything. Well, so why Berlin? Yeah. So Rob, Marartie,

the comedian, he is over there. Rob's here. Not a robs. I've, I've met Robb. He's very good. He's funny.

Gay, isn't he? He is. He is gay. Yeah. Lovely guys. But he's like one of those scary gays

where he's like, yeah I'm gay don't fucking come near me you'll find out oh no oh my word you love that though I do yeah

yeah yeah I was like that's a man no you're always dropping your twicks nearby Upsy daisy but then I can't bend over fully

and he just gets sad and walks away you try to bend over getting like a head rush pass out oh I need a twitch I'm hypergiene Robb very funny

comedian good guy but yeah he was he's still over there right He was in London now, I think he is. Oh, okay. But what happened was fucking,

because he was on Instagram all the time, just doing gig after gig. Yeah. And I text, I think I sent my voice message, pissed drunk. And in first, when we responded,

and he just gave me all the info. So I went over, and Berlin, it was insane. Because literally, like, not even like the language barrier, even the German people will say, nobody German lives in Berlin.

It's just crazy people from all over the world go there. Oh, yeah. A lot of, like, a lot of people are rollerblading. It's a lot of, like, girls with, like, you know, hats and tattoos and stuff

and opinions rights you wouldn't get that in car not for me sir not for me not for me a lot of rollerbladers yeah it was a dude

he used to roll a blade with his dog and his dog the dog didn't roller blade but he was rollerblading and he had like all these neon fucking Christmas lights on him wow

and then the dog had matching neon lights that you stick down that I don't like this guy already I used to like do tricks as he's rollerblading with his dog who's at like full tell

and he fell broke his leg which is like karma just karma yeah for what for being

happy by being himself yeah that's what he gets flashing lights try to draw attention to himself very funny

if the dog was dead and like all done up and glitter and he's just dragging it around rolling like a weekend

of Bernie's with his dog weekend with Lucky yeah so well that's very funny I want to go back

to that so you just you blacked out drunk and you told everyone I quit the job and just out of the pure

shame is like right well now I have to just go to Yeah, that Catholic guilt got to me. He was like, you can't back down now, Gary. What about, like, did your parents say anything or like, I went home drunk and told them that night.

Okay. And they thought it was... It's like, you came out of the closet, isn't it? Yeah, it's like... Oh, son of mine's gonna live in Berlin with rollerbladers. And flashy lights and dogs. Oh, no, it is wild over there,

but you couldn't grow old there. Really? Why? Oh, well, the diet, the drinks. Isn't that something you can control? You think, Brian, but... Oh, right. With no parental guidance.

It's like Dublin, it's not exactly, we're not a metropolis of health over here, like, you know. Like, if you have sausages five days a week, that's considered a balanced diet, you know. Just fucking, like, this is what you do. You get a sausage, you poke a hole all the way through it, and you use it as a straw to suck up your Guinness. And that's basically the Irish food pyramid right there. Shove a spun up your ass as well for good measure, you know. How long are you... Are you in Berlin?

Three months. Oh, three months? I thought it was longer. No, I was meant to go back and live there fully, but I ran out of money. How were you supporting yourself? Oh, because in COVID, I wasn't able to go drinking. So, it just saved up all my wage. It costs 700 euro for three months rent prepaid.

So it's done me rent. That's fucking deadly. So I paid me rent. I was like, I have no bills for three months. I had about five grand to live off. What was the gaff like? Oh, it wasn't great at all. No?

It was just a room. But you're out every time you're doing stand. up you're new. I can't wait. So what my plan is, I'm going to just save up money for the next two weeks. And now I'm going to go to Berlin.

Here's see the movie with Nick Cage leaving Las Vegas. I'm going to do that in Berlin, but with kebabs, not alcohol. I'm just going to eat kebabs not on the stop till I die. I did that, and the problem is the German toilets.

Have you seen the toilet in Germany? No. No, look it up now. No, man, it's rotten. Really? See this chair. Yeah. So basically, right?

They can't see the chair, by the way. Okay, so it's a flat surface. It looks like basically a tabletop. So you shit on that. And then when you flush, the water pushes it down to the end into the hole. So you have to look at it in the face, basically, every time you flush.

And if your diet is kebabs, it's not a nice look. No, no, definitely not. I'm looking up German toilets now. Yeah, they're not nice. I tell you, American toilets freaks me out. The water was very high. Yeah.

Like your balls are, like, dipping in the water. every time you wipe your hole, your hand gets wet. It's not a nice thing. It's gross. It's gross, Brian. I was just laughing. Funny image you in the toilet. In like deep Chicago's, oh, white boy, white boy, kid, shit.

With the brothers, is that what it is? Oh, white boy needs his water all the way down. Mollucker, think he's Christopher Columbus up this bitch. I think he's going to discover some shit. I'm rambling now. Did I mention I'm high? Is there sex clubs in Berlin? There is, yeah, but...

People keep talking about these sex clubs. I live next door to one, funny enough, and it never pop in? No, because I looked at the price menu, and it was like six off of a glass of Coke, so imagine what the price would have been for other stuff. Yeah. And I don't know, my friend, who I lived there with...

He was, like, telling me in detail about the places, but he claimed he never went. Ah, yes. He was like... Yeah, Brian's like that as well. I was like, yeah, you know that prostitute down the road? her assholes obliterated so I hear

I'm just browned down the washing like drawing it goes so the prostitute down the road smashed pelvis I've read turns out I'm the prostitute yeah yeah it's just the own drag fucking dress to kill with Michael Cain over here

like full beard as well you didn't go to the sex club no what's the like the comedy scene like so it's all English speaking I assume it's all duds isn't it is a German speaking same which is obviously bigger but like English one's very good because

it's great for stage time. No, for stage time it's great because you'll get about three gigs a night. Yeah. So there's a lot of that. It's tourists mostly then I guess of the crowd. Well it'd be people like if you worked in Germany and your native English speaker you're going to head over there something to do. Yeah, fair enough. So there's constantly stuff like that but yeah. Wouldn't be like London

now or anything like that now. Are they sexy in Berlin? You know, are they sexy or is it just average attractiveness? Like you know like they say Swedish people are really sexy. how do the Berlin folk rate? See, it's not really Germans. It's all over the place. Oh, yeah, you did say that.

You said it about three times now or I refuse to take that information on board. He was like, no, they're all sexy, aren't they, Gary? I'm all sexy and you want me to go over right now. Yeah. I remember I went to see the, I was supposed to say, the Great Wall, the Berlin Wall. And I thought they found it, but it turns out

it was in some car park to look at the wrong thing. And I put it on my Instagram and said, David Hasseloff was having a wank in a car park. It's like, I found it. Here we are. I was looking and I'm going, this shit,

isn't it? This, he kicked off a big fuss over this. I can jump that wall. But, yeah, I'll try and find the picture, but it was literally basically a car park with a wall that's looking at

because I was following Google Maps. Yeah. And I was on Tesco mobile, so the internet was shit. Right, right. So, like, you'd be standing there on a, you get a train to a place and it says, get off at this stop,

and you go, oh, it's three stops ahead. Then the phone will twitch, and it'll be like eight stops ahead because it froze, and you're like, for fuck sake. but um yeah the wall's still up

yeah most of the thing not most of them there's bits of it there but it's it's pretty shit it's like not we're saying oh interesting mr garbachev der dad

I would like to go to Berlin in some stage you've picked you've pricked my interest there so maybe a really fun well Rob Moriarty when I was talking to him he was like he was saying he loved it over there

it's like it's also like the scene is just a lot more fun there's no like whiny continess you know when people had given out about I don't know what you're referring to James well well you know

Yeah. But you know what I mean? He's just like you can literally Nobody gives a shit and it's a lot more fun But he's in London now So I love it. Now it's kind of like A mixed bag so I wouldn't like if you left James But if you, I wouldn't like if you leave Left forever for Berlin

Yeah I think if you went over for a little while That'd be good for you. Berlin would devour you though How so? Just cheap drink This dog right here He'll devour Berlin Hey this dog could still hunt brother Oh yes

No, just a lot of sock is a cheap drink is it cheap everything I heard it's gone up now but when I was there it was like two euro for a big point oh a big Stein big yeah big fucking like stone cutters we do a big fucking bucket

covered in shit just a trough a big trough full of his for three cents two euro oh boy bring your own bucket just fill it and you can drink on the trains you can drink in public

you can't drink or you just did it No, you legally can drink anywhere. Oh, sweet. So you can just drink all the time and nobody can say a note. Yeah, exactly. That's great. And then you can touch people.

Yeah. You can literally, though, you go into like the shops are called spetties. Spetties or something like that. It's just German for a shop, I think. But you go in and you buy bottles of beer for like 50 cents, like big fucking Czech beer and all. So, you're just pissed all day.

That's great. I had one job interview over there, but I went in kind of half pissed. I was just, you just casually drink in the morning. Excuse me. You're only half-pitched. Not full drunk You shall not work here

Sissy man Little girl can only have A couple of drinks at 9 a.m. Oh, I would not survive there Yeah, man, you know me Yeah, I have one pint Oh no I'll call the police

Help me Yeah My tummy's if you put up a video It's like I believe I'm actually Madeline McCann It's me You see that wild bitch online

Saying she's Madeline McCann No, I missed that what Oh you got to see this She's at the same eyes as her yeah or no yeah man McCann had some like some what's it called

like a cordia thing it's like a it's like a blemish in the eyeball and this chick has it and she looks like she'd be the right age and might look like

what Maddla but she's mental she's just a she's either a grifter or a mentalist but she's got like millions of followers on TikTok

this has like been brewing on TikTok for she's going to start selling creams next on her Instagram or boohoo line

you know a gain of function research yes where they make the virus even worse yes TikTok's kind of like that with mental illness.

Yeah. Where they've really, they've really perfected mental illness. It can't get any better. And then they make it even better. I love it, by the way. That's great. Yeah.

Even, you're about that, speaking of crazy women now. We've got on my topic now. They all are. No, there's a woman going around Canada claiming she's the queen of Canada. Oh. And that the laws don't apply to her. Okay.

So she can just steal things from the shops and stuff. And again, TikTok, it's all that, you know. Yeah. Legally, I'm the heir of Canada. Yeah. just like full-on mentalists that are getting millions of followers I'm here

digging up the grave of my grandmother who I believe to be the illegitimate child of Abraham Lincoln I like and subscribe you know those fucking the dopamine you get from like what is it TikTok as a hearts or thumbs up or like hearts yeah so you're getting

let's say you're like videos I think they're going for on TikTok views and hearts and everything because even views you've got like a million views for stupid video but man the amount of of weirdos, but even like, let's say you're walking around shitting yourself

around Fingles, okay? Yeah. And you've got like a gun and you're filming yourself. Yeah. If you're getting the hearts, you're not going to stop walking around with the gun, are you? No. Yeah, it's going to keep going. Who's that guy in Fingless? What was his name? One Sup? Or something? Who's one sub? He was like this really fat guy.

His whole thing was like... Steve Nolan. Once up Nolan. Yeah. Once Up Nolan. He's dead now, but... When was this? He got big a couple of years ago. Kind of blew up during COVID, like, but he's, yeah, he's from Fingless or somewhere. He was with the versatile lads, yeah, and all that. Yeah. But

his whole thing was one sup, Nolan, he'd take a full bottle of whiskey and down it in one go. And he's dead now, isn't he? But he was, like, really like proper fat, like morbidly obese. I have seen this, I see versatile share this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And all the lads and like, you know. Did one sup, uh, did one snop

meet, uh, meet Snoop dog under before he died. That's what I know. But he used to do, like, you'd pay him 20 and he'd drink a liter of vodka and give you a shout-out. Yeah. So that's how he made money. That's how he made money. Couldn't you just drink water, lads.

Nobody told him. It's like, look, you can just pretend, you know. Mr. One-Sup. He's like, that's all Hollywood magic. That's all... You know, we should have got a documentary called Super Sup Me, you know? It's just like, going to doctors like,

Mr. One-Sup, Nolan, if you keep drinking five bottles of whiskey a day, you will die. right boy yeah rapid buzz and now he's dead that's brilliant I like this one-sup guy

yeah check him out I will yeah I'm surprised you didn't know about him you got the low down and all the freaks that's my I'm the king of the freaks I think they took his videos down now though

why because he's not cowards are they because his parents are probably like his whole online persona was just horrible people giving him money forcing him to drink a bottle after bottle of hard whiskey

and now he's dead so yeah we don't you know we're not going to do the athletic green ad reads for his thing you know

fucking back to the TikTok thing you're saying though you're saying like encourages craziness and shit like that do you know in China if you do something educational say you build a table that's what gets to views

that's what they push forward really so in America they aim the most you know stupid things possible to dumb the population and then China they do it like to make you small matter. The dumbent, they collect information.

The Chinese are up to all sorts of cool stuff. Oh man, the Chinese have us over a barrel. They've got TikTok and the Oscars. Like, that's the... What? Oh, no, no, no. No, no. I just mispronounced a word.

Perhaps accidentally, perhaps not. You have to listen to a fine time. Yeah, well, I'm glad I didn't draw attention to that. Yeah, yeah. Well, what were you saying? Very smart. Oh, it's like they're taken over there. Yeah.

And you kind of respect that. they are trying to make a push I will say to be a bigger push in the next few years TikTok I think in a few years we looked at like head shops where it was too much too soon Yeah I mean

Already people like Certain fucking officials have tried To like bring in a ban But you're never going to It's way too popular with kids The kids love it It's like when Congress Tired to ban saved by the bell

You know Try to ban screech It's like hey The kids love it They're trying to kill screech But like It's like Vifa Vendetta The Legacy Lives

dust and diamond everyone's run around wearing dust and diamond masks like we do not forgive we do not forget expect us so wait you went back from Berlin after three wacky months all right

now was it a bit of a culture shock to go back to Ireland you walk around Dublin a sense of unweed in the same way that you know way people watch Avatar and when they leave the cinema they feel depressed because they're not living with Avatar you're the only person

person i've ever heard say that i was so depressed but i well i found out avatar wasn't real i just jumped off a bridge anyway did you feel a bit of a sadness yeah because like you literally go from living with yourself in a different city to back home in ireland doing what you're doing for the past year and you're all domesticated you got girlfriend now as well you resent her it was of her odd being berlin nah that's a joke she's listening to this that's going to go well um she listens to your things, you know. Sadly, yeah, she

watches me do stand-up, so... That's cool. Fair play to her. It's nice. It's nice to have somebody there with you, probably.

I see... I've never experienced it myself now, but I wouldn't be good for you. Nah, you're right. Just keep watching safe with a bell. You're going to keep the dog off the leash, brother.

I think I'm about to go one-sup Nolan, you know? I think I'm about to fuck it. I respect your girlfriend a lot because sometimes, like, you're talking about some mad stuff and she just sits there,

you know, know, she's not like, stop. Yeah, I think... So, like, you'd be talking about your circumcision and stuff and she never, like, you know... Well, you got the snip? Yeah, well, put a pin on that

and then we'll talk about that. But, yeah, I think it's probably a language barrier because she's American. She talks English. Yeah, but not like Irish English because, like, our English is, like, wacky. Yeah, especially, like, certain accents,

maybe Americans don't understand too well, you know? Well, what do you mean? Like, she understands... She knows what you're saying. Yeah, I speak very fast and a few, like, slang words, I think of over the head. Yes.

But I think, like, yeah. Or she's Philly, right? Philly, yeah, yeah. But the circumcision thing, that was pretty funny. I was like 23. What? Yes, it was like a full-ground man when I had to get it. Damn.

So what happened was... Full-grown man, every sense. You just finished a Woody Allen marathon, and you're like, you know what? I'm going to start wearing glasses. I'm about to go full Annie Hall on this bitch. No, basically, um... It just wouldn't pull back.

And I could be watching, like, no, porn and all that. And I go, how come Derek takes look different to mine? Right. Wait, never pulled back. I never seen the head of it until I got circumcised. That's mental. So it's too tight, the foreskin. Literally.

Tight as a drum. I just, it literally went from looking. Whiplash. J.K. Simmons. You got a bomb go on the end of your car. Just J.K. Simmons screaming at it. Take it off. No, what's his face?

No, basically, I couldn't even see the tip. It was only like the piss hole, but you could see. Did it affect the piss and jizz coming out? Yeah, he used to kind of go sideways. Oh. That's, yeah, that's unusual. Yeah, for 22 years, it was. normal.

Really? It's like a broken gun. Man, your dick got red pilled, you know? You saw the truth finally. It's like,

I've been living a life. Literally, I went from looking like a giant baby dick to a small man dick, which is progress. I'll take that. Yeah, sure.

No, it's just pretty bizarre. So I remember I had to get the surgery. And I remember, it was my first time going to get anesthetics or anything like that.

Yeah, yeah. So I remember lying there. And funny enough, the guy, he took out this little black buck with all the needles in it. And he dropped it on me balls,

like, before the surgery. and I was like he's like Oh sorry buddy And whenever I'm like Sorry about that pal Yeah Pulls down the searchings mask

It's Joe Darling Oh Gary What's a story brother Yeah Yeah Best to look with this You know Yeah

They tell you beginners look Hopefully Yeah Fingers crossed Oh because you imagine that It wasn't really a hospital It was like a youth centre That you confer

With a curtain Yeah Just like a basketball Matchdown on in one half And amateur circumcision In the next So the guy who dropped the thing on your balls Yeah, and then I gasp

And like whenever I'm in like medical situations I somehow just make awkward jokes To like make myself feel better Sure, yeah Which makes it awful for everyone else in the room Yeah So it's there like oh You probably won't be able to find it now

And he just looked at me And he's like, yeah And he's just like Just put the gas on him He's heard all of jokes Oh no, the worst thing is So I got put under And when I woke up

Padden and Bear 2 was in the cinema at the time Nice So I woke up whacked from the anaesthetic And I didn't know where it was Yeah And the nurse was rubbing my arm. He's like, yeah, all right, yeah, okay. So my brain decided to ask her,

would you like to go and see Padden and Bear 2 at me tonight in the cinema? And she just goes, no. And then they did she brought me into the main room. And I had to get out of the bed. But when I got out of bed, like in the sheet underneath me or I was lying, it's like blood and shit. Sure. Because you just leave all the gunk there when you chop it off.

Well, peel it back. But I found out the next day, if you shit yourself during surgery, they're legally not allowed to tell you. What do you mean? If you take a shit when you're under. aesthetic, they have to clean it up and can't tell you you took a shit during... What kind of legal your feelings or something, no? Maybe it's like people would be less

they'd be a lot more reluctant to go under if they knew they'd going to shit themselves. Yeah. So if I ask, did I shit myself? Can they tell... I don't think they're like... No, but they can tell you your dick is tiny. It's like the two fairy brown, they lie to you. You put your shit on your pillow on the hospital

and you wake up and there's a piece of warm toast of putting around it. That's ridiculous. That's wild. I didn't know that. Do you do more research on this, like Have you ever been put under? Never. I've been put under. But I got proper like, you know,

self-inflicted that. But they injected. He just roofied himself. Well, I did do that one time. Oh, that's true. I saw it. GHB. You know the drug GHB?

I heard about it funny enough for the first time in Berlin. Yeah. But in Berlin, the nickname for the drug was called G. G. I mean, my friend, Sarah, we used to call Wade G in Tesco. So I'd be casually out with people in Berlin on,

you know, I never even get some G. after this they're looking at me like this creep you know it's my weird here's the thing

and I'll defend myself it's used for like chem sex and all that stuff and it can be used as a date rape drug the only reason I wanted to get it

if you're wondering well it does get used I don't use it I didn't use it for that I only gave it to myself yeah and the reason I took it is because I wasn't able to really do coke

or ecstasy at the time because on these like antidepressants and the S like serotonin interaction GHB doesn't interact with any of that so you can get

fucked up on it and you won't you know have serotonin syndrome and die so I just wanted to have

a good time is that so wrong Brian I didn't rape anyone never have never will so there

there you go how spite well I'm so darn respected it would hurt the town to hear about

it like with Gemidae Simpson or Springfield yeah well like again I don't want to sound lame I'm not anti you

date raping yourself that's right fellas it's the bros podcast yeah exactly if you want to do it like same way like if someone wants

to live their life any way they want the same with you you know you want to do that thing I won't I'm not gonna get in your way but how we got onto this

I did get pulled under like and they injected me and it was proper I remember when it kicked in it was like incredible it was like I felt it just before

I went out you know what I mean and just like this beautiful cold tingling all the way up my arm into my chest I just felt incredibly euphoric and then lights out and it's like God

if I had died just then that would have been a beautiful way to go still could happen yeah that's true Switzerland I'm quite not healthy so I'll be shitting myself on the surgeon's table no it'll probably be something shit like eat too much like you know

diabetes complications of diabetes and it's like oh fuck yeah that is I have had that when I run like down the stairs and almost fall and be like if I just fell and died by falling down the stairs what a fucking retarded way to die yeah you know just be like go like Chris farley but I don't get back up you know yeah I think it'd be the worst way to go like like like not even painful like you know that really how we went plane crash would be bad because you're just like waiting for it I think

about that every single time on a plane yeah I have that ready in my head like and I get this kind weird way like no I'm going to die so I might as well just you know every time you fly you're like this is it I'm gonna die order that drink I'm gonna die yeah I'm gonna order that big Toblerone bar fuck it I'm gonna watch the movie on the

little screen I'm gonna have fun you gotta go out swinging you speaking of drugs you get really fucked up on flights I do yeah but like in a tactical way yes it's medicinal because the reason I got surgery I have like problems with my inner ear

my whole life have had multiple surgeries so like you know when you go up in a plane and your ears kind of pop all the equalizing

of pressure my eustachian tube can't really do that so it's very painful so like the last time I was flying over to America I had like a bottle of codinex

which is like you know codeine cough syrup I had like smoke some weed and taking some Xanax I was drinking I got proper fucked up on the flight like it was great

it was the most fun part of it but anyway but yes in answer to your question Brian yes I have a problem do you know what they do on planes you know when it's emergency landing and you say they took your head between your legs yeah that is so

if it crashes it breaks your neck on impact yeah I respect that and if your dick goes in your mouth that's just an added bonus you know hey it's our gift from us to you it's like that dude who was found dead in Pompeii remember that Italian place with the volcano and they're like stuck whatever way they were

and they just died but some guy like working off what a way to go That's great He saw the fucking laugh At coming He's like I'm not gonna stop He speeds up

You imagine though Like that like Don't let me finish He was all about Coming and going You know what I mean Because imagine now Like when they found that

You know Imagine like the work experience Like doing that With the little powder and all this And he's like No way You have to find something

What's he doing I'm not messing But he's like I think he was scratching himself or something He would scratch himself In an intimate His way

Oh Marron He's fucking guy was jerking off. What are we at there at time wise? We're now now we're there, yeah. So we can wrap up soon enough there. I was going to make that a point, a very clever point. Yeah. Yeah. Have you got much going on at the moment, Gary?

You work with me, so anything else? That's pretty sweet as it, isn't it? You get to work with me, you get to see my mood swings. All day, every day, yeah. You think you have mood swings? I worry for his groups and work on the group. Really? Yeah. What's he like to work with? Is he a bit of

a horrible fucking con, Do you see? You know, sometimes I steal all your stuff. Yeah. Steals my paycheck and he locks me out of the building. It hits me with a monkey stick.

You know, it's like it's banter, you know. It is. It's just fun, you know. I throw stuff out here. There's a bit of a mutiny going on in my workplace right now. We're about to storm

the capital, bro. Are you? Oh yeah. It's popping off. You're being helping the CIA. Yeah. It was the FBI. Oh, no, it was both.

Oh, wait. So explain what's going on. No, I can't, man. I can't. Oh, ho. legalese, brother, I'm bound, you know, I've signed many NDAs. The CAD works in a place

now, it's not going well. Yeah, just a lot of unhappy conditions, a lot of people leaving. A bunch of insales. Very understaffed. Yes, in cells, of course, yes. That's a pretty requisite. You have to, you know, you have to hate women before you get a job there. That way, no, it's

fine. It'll be fine. I'll keep you posted. I can't say too much right now, but hey, I'm just saying if you see me on the 6 o'clock news, dressed as the Qanon Shaman, you know, just on the steps of the doll. Yeah, you've been following that? I have, yeah, indeed, yeah.

Tucker. Oh, man, Pete John, we're going to go hard on that. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we'll talk about Gary Moore before we do that. All right. So we're going to wrap up soon, Gaza. Gaza. Does they call him work?

Do they call it Gaza? Yeah, the best was, we got this review once because me and Brian always joke with that kind of, like, English thing. Oh, are you geese? Yeah, like, Brexit means Brexit. Yes. and we actually were going to the reviews

and some English guy actually called me a geyser he's a geyser that guy's a geyser that cocktail is bush you know that kind of show so that was a nice day can I be honest with you

I was very hurt that you didn't call me a geyser as well he called you a gazer right I'm also a geiser aren't you yeah Brexit

means Brexit yeah but he did not he called me a puff instead yeah a bloody shirtlifter yeah

that little specky one with the four eyes he's a bloody sausage jopper I'll tell you that now for now never seen a full grown man

crying imagine imagine breaking down crying I'm on the tours oh I've come close yeah

wait till Paddy's day man where you'll see you'll see yourself have you got any other like irons

in the fire any other crack no at the moment just kind of how long have you see in your girlfriend oh Jesus that's a good question

since last April how did you hinge of all things you're not in the apps are you no Would you ever go on, why not going the apps?

I probably should. I think he'd be great on the apps. You get some mad ones though. My friend met a girl on Tinder and she got his WhatsApp number and straight away she tried the video call him three times and he was like hanging up like hey what's up and she's like, my feet

in your face tonight and all this. Whoa! Yeah, and then he blocked her. Yeah. That'd be great for you by the way. Yeah, well it's always, you know, let's be honest, I don't think I'd attract the best you know, the best and brightest.

You need that. You need some real mentally, women in your life get on TikTok you'll find them there yeah yeah missus one sup I'm gonna drink

all this jizz in one go one sup Sally yeah so how long were you on the dating app before you met your your current girlfriend I like that

how long was it I don't know because you're on them you're just kind of casually on them they're like going to Instagram and all that you know yourself some people are very casual. I was very like, oh fuck,

I'm not going to meet anyone. Yeah, yeah. I'd be like, every day I have the gun in my mouth and be swiping. I guess it's kind of, like, there'd be some weeks you just delete them because you get fed up with them and then you'd read out of them a week or later. Yeah, I do that all the time, Mike. Yeah, I've heard a lot, a lot of people say it's just like bad for your soul. It just feels bad. That's

ugly people. Okay, well, yeah, that's what I'd be like. I had a girl match with me before, say your dog's cute, but you're not, and then unmatched me. Damn. I was like, did you have to match me to write that in a moment? It was actually a picture of you and your mother, so that was real. That was cold, bro. Sorry. No disrespect. No disrespect.

That's all love. That's horrible, though, that she said that. Not what I just said. What I said was very funny. What she said was horrible. She's the bad person. Yeah. I bet she was a dog. Yeah, that's right. I could get catfished. I'd go on the apps. I meet a girl and then I end up just in a shop and Charlie getting bumraped by Brian and a wig would be my luck

you know yeah it would be a funny wouldn't it that'd be a good bit like a Twilight Zone episode it was Brian all alone come on for the podcast

come on yeah do it for the podcast now I remember funny enough of catfish me and my friend I used to work with

we almost got catfish by the same person so match with someone 10 there and you can kind of guess when they're catfish in you so they asked for the Snapchat it is how long ago

it was I had fucking Snapchat and they message me on Snapchat. So if you send a snap a live picture, it's a reds square. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if they text you on it and the blue text that means it's something from your phone. You can send a gallery photo. Right, right, right. So start sending me pictures of like, like in our underwear and all that,

but it was in the chat thing. And then it was asking for me to send dick pics. And I was like, nah, this is a bit Dodge. Yeah. But I had screenshots of the Tinder profile. And I sent it to me, my same person used the account to cashfish him. Right. But it turns out his brother went to school with the guy who was running that account. It was a way of him

to get lads to send him dick pics. What they do is to get a dick pick is like, oh, I'm going to send this to your friends and family if you give, don't give me this amount of money. But I've sent it to them anyway. Yeah, yeah. I've sent a picture of my cock to my mother. So now no one can trick me.

Especially for yourself, Gary's like, hey, I just got cut, you know? I just gave a nice short back inside. New trim I want to be showing it off. Nice little skin, fat. You know? Yeah, yeah. That's thing, I would never, like, if somebody's like, I got a video of you, wanking, it's like, yeah, go on there.

send it see what you get yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah all the porn

I'm watching is free I'm broke you idiot I have no money you are a retard yeah sorry

I never understood that though because if you pay the months they're obviously gonna hit you up again for the bill yeah man

yeah I don't know like I think it's more so for like people who it could really hurt them maybe they have a family or maybe it was

some kind of porn they shouldn't have been looking at you know whereas me and you are so cool we don't have to worry about that

we got rid of our families that's true I don't look at all the porn we want yeah that's right and I do well I had that

I told you about that that guy called me up and was like I know you're chatting to underage girls no remember I told you that no

yeah I remember yeah I remember this then Dundalk this guy was like you're chatting underage girls like no I'm not and it's like

no I have proof you gotta meet me in Tesco car park and I was like wait what's my name he's like

oh I know your name yeah oh I do yeah it was it was James in a wig yeah

No, but he didn't know my... I was like, well, where do I live? Or, like, yeah, I was giving some information. Like, oh, I could tell you everything about you. I know everything about you now, but I'm not going to tell you. But I was like, well, I'm not going to do it. And I just hung up. And then, like, literally, I was with my girlfriend at time.

And I called up, and he had the exact same thing to me. So he obviously just reading from a script, like, spiel, yeah. And just calling up random people. And the second time I was like, oh, no, what? Oh, do. And then I was, like, playing along with him and having fun. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Who's pedo is it anyway? They were doing a bit of Pito improv with him there, you know. Whose nonce is it anyway? Do they think they go on Facebook and look to people around to go, yeah, he looks like a nonsense. Yeah, who's the saddest is nonce looking corner? It's just you with a cracked egg on your face in your picture, like,

he looks like one. I take horrible pictures, like, where people... You have been accused of being a nonce, James? No. Okay, right? No. Oh, wait. Who's calling you?

Is it gone? I mean, I have been having a bit of you talk to girls. No. never been accused to have been announced but that's me I make sure to like

I'm away from children at all times I keep like bra I wear gloves when I walk around and I

under the gloves I've got brass knuckles if any little cunt child wants to come up to me slap

teeth everywhere fucking claret is flowing I'm like yeah yeah get your little freakazoid

child out of my face you're not gonna catch me slipping you know yeah I wasn't born

yesterday no answer your question O'Brien. I've never been accused to be announced. That's good to know just basically. I've known you a while now. I should double check to make sure you're not a paedophile. Yes. So that's good.

Yeah, people are kind of like I don't know what's with him. Is he buying men or women or dogs or children? It's like, is he an in-cell? The thing is, there's no big mystery to it. It's the oldest tale of all. Just a fat loser who can't get pussy. That's it. That's the tale is oldest time.

but people got to be putting all this oh he's having sex with underage pigeons or something you know in a pigeon coop with his cock art you know and they have to just all these fanciful theories you know just a schlubby

dork at the end of the day and free porn is just readily available also antidepressants cock doesn't even work anyway so hey I couldn't even be a pito if I wanted to imagine not you get to

child in the back of the van ready to go oh fuck no no oh lexapro you did me wrong again the kid is judging you oh really sad oh yes it's grim

that's grim that's grim so out of sheer embarrassment I'd never be a penal you know just like to say a face yeah we're gonna wrap up now yeah anything you want to promote

Carrie um no god I just I like the idea of your girlfriend listening to all of this Oh, and her mother is going to be listening to

Your mother? Her mother. That's still funny Her mother is like Who's that James? Yeah, yeah. Pines doesn't work So we can't be a pito.

Well, well. Those kids parties. Just my type. Also, I was talking to a girl recently and she was like talking with this guy she liked and she was like, yeah,

my pussy was so wet there was a trout in it. That is full and disgusting what vile filth I mean yeah I'm here goofing having a good time

but that is utter ripe of all the fish as well it's true I'm sorry that's actually a very funny thing to say yeah exactly

my pussy's so wet there's a trout in it it's so funny I was like you definitely stole it from James Catton in you that's a catanism

yeah yeah I remember at a gaff party in Monagin years ago one of these these girls we were hanging out with one of them was she was mad

and she always said oh suck my flap like you know instead of suck my dick she'd say suck my flap and I was like still one of the most

disgusting and hilarious things I've ever heard your monocle fell out well well yeah you're really you know

this dog fight was a classy affair till you came out with that filth this is a very fun time I think at the start I was a little bit tired a bit hung over

yeah yeah but I think we powered through you definitely helped a lot and you had some great stories there and I was here as well. Yes, so, you know it's like a tripod, you know. Without all three of us

it can't get accused to be in a pedo or something. But like, you have to head off soon, don't you? And you're in the present, don't you? You have to go birthday shopping today. Oh, for the special lady. Yeah. Forgive me, I don't want to go with you. You're not invited. Okay, good, right. I like our relationship.

Yeah. Most of the bad used to go shopping and I just sit here and Mike the cat. Is that it? Oh, great. Yeah. Just me and Brian and build a bear. Have you got one that looks like Rick Mail? What's build a bear? Is it where you build a bear?

For like to give to yourself if you want. Okay. So you go in and it's usually sad, lonely people go in. Yeah. And they spend money and they get a teddy bear made then and there. Right, right, right. You should go in and get one made and just ask for like. And it's a red flag right there.

Make the swat stick a bigger. Yeah. Make the flaps. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to suck the bear's flaps. I drew this bear, can you make this one? Jesus, sir. Do you a picture on the back of his naked picture of you?

This is a bit of a vulgar episode, I feel. A bit crude. But I liked it. We rode the line between vulgarity and wit. We lost the wit a good while ago. Get up to the Fraser, yeah. Well, I say to you, good sir, if wit was shit, you'd be constable. peter.

And good day. Guys, good luck, all right? We'll be back next week. We did it. Maybe we're another guest. We're going to be able to roll with guests now. I like it. I'm quite lazy and let you guys do all the work.

So you just bring in some random person. I found this lad in a car park. Go on. He says he can do a good Jimmy Kimmel. So let's... This guy, we have Steve here and he rings up lads and accuses him of being nonsus. We became good friends.

all right well gary thanks for doing this thanks for having you guys yeah we're going to have you on again man yeah but do you have like Instagram you want to plug any do any shows coming up anything you want to you know I'm doing a gig at 31st in Doyles it's a new comedy night we're actually starting out

so see how that goes me Alex Byrne oh nice I thought a word in for you let's see how it goes anyway it's the first night of an hour Doyles where is that now it's in Fillsborough

it's only down there Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, that's not the one in the corner, is it? Yeah, because we did a gig. Oh, yeah, that's a nice spot, actually, yeah. We did a gig there a few months ago it was for the Chelsea fan clubs in Ireland. Right, right.

That was a good spot. Just pure scum, by the way, yeah. I actually saw some amateur theatre upstairs there one night. Of course. That's actually, that sounds awful. Yeah. It was shite. Is Dials near McGounds?

It's near Bernard Shaw, I think. It's on that kind of way. It's on that road. Yeah, yeah. I'd love to go there. Yeah, I'd love to go there. I guess it's up to Gary Yeah

Actually I did I sent out loads of emails With new videos Didn't get a single response That's good So I've got no dates to plug Yeah With your old self-esteem in it

Yeah