Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 191 : Paul Marsh Part One

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

Check out Paul Marsh on Instagram for all his gigs and his book.

Are you done stuffing your fat face, your little pig? Hello and welcome to the show. I swallowed it very quick because Paul's here. And I got you your diet. Oh, I forgot, wait, no, I got you your Diet Coke right there. Yeah, almost forgot. Had a baby a senior moment there a minute ago. I went to the shop and didn't buy anything and just walked out.

Yeah. I just got distracted about the lights and colours. Somebody text you and you came away. I'm 50 and I don't fucking do that. I'm surprised, yeah, you must have got some looks. And this is around the time that the schools are letting out. so that just doesn't look good for you at all. I'm wearing a Wutang t-shirt, they know

I'm cool. Hey kids remember Wutang from like 30 years ago? ODB, click the dole, come on. We're here with Paul Marsh, Paul. How are you doing? Thanks for having me. I never knew, I've heard about your house and I'll never know where you live and I'm not going to give that in a way, but I know loads of firemen that live around this

area. I'm just kind of picturing that all these, they're all going to be going, that fucking weird fella that comes into the shop and doesn't buy anything. And then I just saw up Paul Marsh going to his house. They'll think

you're pretty cool. Yeah. When they know what I'm doing here, you wouldn't even James has even

have stuff I'm doing here now. I'm doing some weird stuff and we're going to get even weirder

because Paul just bought me a Dublin Fire Brigade T-shirt. Yeah. Now I can role plays as a

fireman. And I can get what you know you're involved in the fire services Paul. That's right. You know,

you get away with some murder I imagine. The F-bomb, we used to call when we started years ago we would call it the F-bomb that you know if you were talking to someone and you

got in well I'm a fireman now I never to be honest with you I never did much of that but those T-shirts like there are work T-shirts but imagine like wearing your work T-shirt out on a night out fellas used to do that like yeah would they ever like wear the full thing the full regalia with the hat

and the big nose well if on Paddy's Day and if you're going away to America on trips and stuff like that and it's fucking post 9-11 holy shit man don't buy a point. It's just brilliant. Man, actually, before

we get on too much there, have you ever watched Rescue Me? Yeah. Do you mean? Watching Rescue Me in the house recently? That seems pretty cool. See, I've a love hate type thing because all the lads keep going on about rescue me, but the thing is Dennis Leary is a joke to him. And he fucking...

Oh, you play like Bill Hicks, don't you? I love Bill Hicks. How many people do he save in the fire? But Dennis Leary is just like, when you read Bill Hicks' biography, Dennis Leary was like the Montreal Comedy Festival playing to 2,000 people and Bill Hicks was at the room

next door, playing to 500. He basically had our career, Brian. But with the same material, like, it's fucking ridiculous. We're also true tellers. Yeah. Like, if you imagine, I'm in the fucking Hapenny and I'm going, so I'm Mr. Dead Sound,

and then there's someone over in the laughter lounge going, so I'm Mr. Dead Sound, you know what I mean? That'd be so funny if like Tick Natarro's doing a big show there, is stealing your set about being a fireman. We're like, wait, that doesn't track, but actually's lovable, isn't she? Yeah, so I couldn't, I know how the last used to be all I was on about it, but, um, well, they've been watching, I don't know, I've just been going in and out while they're watching it, you know?

Yeah. There's a bit where a guy gets raped. A guy gets raped? Yeah, yeah. By another man. Yeah, by another man. Okay. So this woman, this probably happened to you, Paul.

So this guy meets this hot girl. Yeah. She's like, come here. Well, let me tie you up. He's like, oh, sweet. Yeah. But then her boyfriend jumps out. Like, surprise.

Oh. Wee. You know, like, whey, we're like, whey, whey. you know like go yeah it goes hamming them now it's suggested we don't actually see

penetration or anything and it's played off for laughs where it's like you get up with your silly scrapes don't you oh really

Dennis theory is like yeah I bet you loved it didn't you oh my god that's amazing that was like the late 90s when that came out

it's after 9-11 after it's so like 2004 I think is when it started yeah I think it's pretty soon after 9-11 a bad gets raped and it's played for laughs

yeah that happened all the time comedy used to be great didn't it to tell you, we used to have something special. We used to have some fun. You're going to kill me. Can I pause? Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we just ended with with like all comedies. Hang on real quick. Why is, what did he want? Is some man came to the door with a child? It's like, I hear to fix boiler. Boyle of for you. A nice child. I love the way he was just leaned up against the door. It was very chill and casual.

It was very casual when you opened me out. Fuck off, would you? Yeah, listen, man. A kid should be in school. Yeah, so you missed it there. We were recording. It was all going well. And this man just showed up with a child.

I thought you'd order something special. You looked over at me as like, come on, Cadden. At least wait till the end of the show. I'm like, ah, alright. It's the big surprise there. Like you said, we got to all sorts. A child was meant to be inside a cake. Excuse me.

What is going on here? This is outrageous. No, it's like a sexy thing now. Instead of in a cake, it's in a boiler, you know? It's like, uh, hello, child. boiler strippers. A little child pops out of a boiler. It's like, oh, this is for your big retirement do, Nigel. Many happy returns. I meant to mention at the start of the show I was going to say, I have this idea that if anyone is ever out to get me, they'd be like, oh, he's too

fucking nice. We can't get him. He's a fucker. And then, oh, he's doing Brian and James's podcast. Oh, he's playing into our hands here. This will be your downfall. This is it. So if ever I was going to, so I wrote, I actually have a notebook here. Well, this is cool now. so let me tell you just so you know we can go through your ideas and I got something

extra spicy no no I just had one idea and I was going to hold that up to just say don't get me cancelled whenever you say

okay well he's already talking about child sex boiler strippers well I had the whole boiler angle

so it's playful you know it's not weird and insidious it's fun and written down the bottom was like get James to do

his soprano's impression my soprano's impression which one's that he's the generic gambler christopher oh yeah think about it he's not a clapping seal yeah exactly yeah yeah

this is my christopher impression or my tony oppression because they're both bad by the way can i say i am a big fan of the podcast i know we've gone straight in here talking about everything but you know i am a big fan of the podcast you you were here before we start recording and you're making references

the podcast and i was in my head was like there's no way you know that yeah how do you know oh yeah listen to it yeah There's been a couple of different things. Two things that stuck out. Like, I've talked to you before, but I go trying to do a bit of walking and trying to lose weight. So I listen to the two of you. And then go around the park and laugh out loud and people are kind of looking at you, kind of wondering.

Especially I've come up behind three women. I did that one time, fight the shit out of the dream. And I just, I forget, Ross, they were walking and slowly, and I'm just, you know, you're in a world of your own. And I'm mixing you said something on a big roar of a laugh. And they all just stopped and looked around. And I just pulled my earplugs out and go, sorry, sorry, I'm just listening to podcast. Yeah. He was doing Christopher.

I like how I'm freaking women out and I don't have to be there just hearing my voice women are terrified it's a domino effect I like that power that I have I can't remember what I was laughing at but the one that a couple of things that made me laugh out loud

you had Mark Malone is it Mark Maloney is that he's name Mark Maloney yeah so he was given this heartfelt thing about how he had split up with his girlfriend and hold on and you said Brian said you oh I saw is that the one I met you in a comedy club with I knew there was something wrong.

I was like, that's a real comedian's thing to say, like, just so good. And there was like a fraction of a second. And the other one then was when you were talking about the whale and you described your man's pulley system as something out of Wallace and Gromwellis. And he loves cheese. It's because James, I know, like, I love, listen to James and going off on a rant and his impressions and holla. But I have a kind of a love-hate relationship with you.

Oh, you're not the first one to say that. So I will laugh out loud mostly at the same. stuff that you say and different stuff and then I'll get fucking really annoyed with you sometimes especially about movie reviews

oh this is a long time comic do you remember you did the live show and I was I was one of the guests and I was like and it was a real

I have to say I'll be totally honest with you know the fact that you pronounce what's his name again? What ledger for is it which the ledge of the fort

yeah we just have to trust him that's the right way yeah but I don't know it's how you say his name in my head I was like I remember when I did that in my head, I was like, fuck, that was going to be

great. That's because, do you remember in Guardians of the Galaxy when the man goes, what are they in their harbourattery batteries or something? Never seen it. No way. Yeah, I never say it. You give me shit, Paul. This is the other thing you see. You were taking his word for fucking great movies. Like, a couple of weeks ago there was runaway

jury and in my head I was like, don't fucking say that's a brilliant, don't say it. Bad about that fucking movie. Brian, don't you fucking dare. Like, because you could have had, like, Brian could have gone, oh, it's a fucking most stupid movie. It's as if like, yeah, this is you to I'd be listening to go shut Brian That's a fucking great movie

You don't fucking know Well I'll be honest with you A lot of these movies I barely watch He watches 12 minutes of it While he's on his phone And then he comes in He's like Yes the direction was very underdeveloped

I didn't care for it The movie I watched recently And like I went to take a shower during it And I didn't pause it But you could like You focus in on the weirdest thing About the movie You might watch The Godfather

I don't even mention That Halpecino was in it you were like oh yeah it was a fucking but you know that kind of yeah I focus on the important stuff you know like is there tits in it or not like Sonny's big cock which was omitted

actually that's usually James's input is to it was there was there well I'm playing a character of a disgusting misogynist big I was telling you earlier on about we watch movies and work every now and again and before anyone thinks that we were you know quite stationed that you can kind of fucking do that we would watch them in three or four

settings but always the movies have to have there's one guy that just goes What's the movie? Are you watching, you know, watching the movies? You know, loads of killing. That's all he ever says. Loads of killing. Oh, yeah, there's loads of killing. Deadly. These are the people we're trusting to save us in times of crisis. No, that's just this one guy.

That's all he ever says to me. Loads of killing. Yeah. I'll watch it. No, but that's better. I wish I had that ability to just be like, just enjoy something and be like, oh, look, he shot the gun. Yeah, fucking class, you know.

But I'm too much like, oh, the me's on scenes. This is not Wes Anderson's best work. You know, I'm all talking shite like that. And then you'll, there was one movie I remember you were talking about some one who was making love to a car and all I was like where the fuck do you get

oh what was that one yeah I forget what it's called now it had some kind of generic name like like steel yeah but she like gave birth to a car yeah and I was like where the fuck do you she's a fireman yeah she her um there's a fire station

involved were like yeah that was it there was there was a man that's it she wears like cuts her hair short yeah and um wears like a thing binds her tits titties right yeah yeah and she listens to the joe rogan podcast that's the best way if you any ladies out there want to come behind enemy lines just start talking about alpha brain and dm t's like hey this dude's pretty cool i like him so then she tricks them and

thinking she's a man fireman yeah turns out she's a woman fireman and she's been having sex with cars and then she gives birth to a car at the end i wish it's french so a lot of times you're watching foreign films you're like this might seem odd to us when they're culture that might seem like but I remember I remember when you were doing that and I was like you were really selling

that gun on a bit is the greatest movie and then I was like this is the same man who said that Forrest Gump was shit and the big libid In fact actually

I said Forrest Gump was shit It was James who said that Yeah that's true I remember yeah I was annoyed at that I remember that's okay I've annoyed a lot of people

with that one so you're not alone I was like French car sex You're a big fan of Gump aren't you a gumpi Oh yeah I think that's that's

I don't like you talk a lot about horrors and stuff I like a, I think what we do as comedians is kind of like a form of storytelling and so's poetry and so as books and obviously everything

but movies is the ultimate Yes If you're going to tell a story Tell a nice story You know have a big happy ending Would you be telling bad stories Be swept away with the The magic of movies

Yeah the magic exactly What fucking Brian's over here watching What is that one with Ray or Winston Bang and his daughter What was that called? Oh yeah that was called Something like Danger zone Or the Warzone

Warzone That was it yeah It was directed by Tim Roth. But there's other thing as well. So the other thing I was going to mention is that obviously I'm 50. Just interrupt you one second. The movie is called Taitain. Tai Taitain.

It was directed by Julia Dr. Julia Dr. Rannu. Twidgelladj, LaForgia. We'll take your word for it. So before he interrupted you with his mispronunciation, Paul, what were you saying? No, I was going to say the other thing obviously is that I'm 50. I'd say I'm one of your oldest listeners, I'd say. Probably.

Probably, yeah. but the thing is regularly I hear something and I will stop as I'm walking around the park put it in my phone then go Google it and then come into the lads and work at the fire station to go so I was listening to Brian James

and there's this thing so the lads and work all know that I listen to the podcast called Brianne James whether I don't even have got they're worried yeah but everything is all mad stuff that you've you know so it's basically like

the way I look at the podcast is that I've It's like I've hired someone to go through all the mad shit on the internet and report back to me. That's how I feel like sometimes because I'll be going on to stuff I don't like at all. Yes.

It's a job, you know? Yeah. It changes you. You're like Louis Theroux, you know? Much like being a fireman. I'm going into the danger zone, you know? I'm going into the war zone. Yes.

It's going deep into the internet to find the... Because the one thing that I remember that stuck out, I remember coming in and we're having... Because one of the last said, Marci, we're having a fucking breakfast here. You've gone on about some girls who, um...

They get ejaculation on their face and then just walk around town Oh yes Oh what was that called again Oh God I forget But it does happen Strutting or something It's called like come walk

That's it Come walk It's happening in Dublin right now No way Yeah Like there's girls Yeah Remember with that kid

Came to the door Brian It's like Yeah enjoy your come walk You little prick Well I'll be back To put in boiler Next week Please don't come on child's face

You're going to get Paul cancelled I'm sorry but my point was like yeah it's a thing that's being very popular now they love the kind of never seen it the degradation of the whole thing like they're really kind of like scar letter

it's like you know the walking whore you know they like that I don't think it's meant as a humiliation I think it's like I'm proud I'm sex positive well it can be both yeah so walk around with visible

come under face that was I remember I went into work that remember the next morning and tell the lads and one of the lads was like we're trying to have breakfast here where the fuck do you get this stuff

they're just eating their egg and I just show me hands on it's Brian and James just they're just saying oh I went very down internet rabbit hole there recently so this is going to sound like a big thing

but let me just take you through a little story for a second right so I'm listening to a podcast recently and they mentioned thing called gone wild parties now gone wild parties are orgies

but for the common man the other way like most orgies are like, you know, for models. They have them at Tipperary. Yeah. That's another thing, by the way. Whenever you use a reference to real culture, backward place,

you always fucking say Tipperary. I'm pointing at James, by the way. And you're from Monaghan. I have to, yeah, yeah. I don't know, that's like colorism right there, you know? That's like the dark skin, making fun, the light skin. I don't, I probably the only reason I say Tipperary

is I'm thinking, oh, Marsh has listened to this. Yeah, yeah. I'll slag off Tipperary. Oh, actually, another thing I want to talk about Is you ever hear Bridget Cleary from Tipperary? No. Oh, she was a witch. We'll get to that in the second.

Oh, right, okay. So I'm just saying, the point is, I heard about these things called gone wild parties. And the whole point is it's orgies for ugly people. That's the worst. If you're fat, if you're ugly, smelly, if you love Power Rangers, this is for you, all right? So I was like, oh, cool, let me look up in Ireland.

There's any Gone Wild parties in Dublin, let's say. Yeah. So I looked it up, and I didn't see that, but I saw a thing called Ireland Gone Wild, and it's sexy Irish. girls. And I was like, oh, let me look at that for a second. I click onto it. The first girl I see, I'm like, my man, do I know her? That's a bit funny. She kind of looks like a girl I know. Ah, well, you know, I'll move on, okay? Yeah. And I'm going to work and all in work,

I'm like, it couldn't have been her. No, no, no, no, it couldn't. It couldn't. It couldn't. No, no. And then I get home, and I start going, like, researching where I'm looking at an Instagram with the girl I know, and the picture of this, I'm like, it's so weird. It kind of got the same kind of face, but it can't possibly and I see the same picture matches up as a girl I do know. I know this girl and she's got nude picture on the internet. It turns out she's got an

only fan that she keeps quiet, all right? And I'm like, oh my God, I've got to get on this. So I'm on my phone trying to get my only fans all right. But because I'm typing, I'm going too hard, right? It's taken too long to load. So then I get my laptop up and I'm trying to access it from two points. And only fans have been

see, it's not even being that slow. It's taking a few seconds, but my head's taking half an hour. I'm like, fucking couldn't, fucking co. Like that, I finally got a work in there. So, and then I went on to it. And then, like, the thing that only fans is, you kind of go onto it, you pay your, you know, eight euro, whatever that. And right after, it's like,

well, yeah. I could just see tits normally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost like you have a sort of addictive, compulsion, this sexual depravity. But you want to see the tits of somebody you know. That's the thing. I would have taught the only fans thing would be that it's someone you know.

Now, wait, did she show her face? Yeah. That's a rookie mistake. she's showing every bond of things she's showing her face as well like right but you wouldn't know follow her regular instagram that she's doing this now you know her from back home is it or uh no she's actually friends with a girl that we both know actually oh from from college let's say that yeah oh but you wouldn't know this girl well i'll be surprised who i know brian oh oh yeah but it's just kind interesting if does anyone out there on only fans just you know give us a shout here on the show

no just you know you'll share your only fans yeah you will do that you're an advertising And by that, I mean, put a butt plug in your asshole. Oh, so back to this other thing, so Tipperary, you're from Tipperary. I was wondering if, so, Bridget Cleary, I was wondering if it's like an urban legend that everyone knew in Tiberi. Cleary's a big name down there, yeah. So Cleary, okay, so this is like 1806 or something like that, right? So let me set the table. Bridget Cleary is a young woman, she's very good in knitting.

She's like class-sacked and knitting. She has a family, and she ports the whole family by knitting. you know so like the mother and father don't have to they can retire basically off her knitting right

she meets the guy who works at the barrel factory handsome guy okay forget his name it's called him brock

right right so it meets Brock and Brock from Tipper area yeah exactly and they get together to get married

it's all going well so you know he's making money she's making money they're doing for 1806 forever the fuck they're doing okay

you know they can actually she doesn't need an only no she can afford a cottage you know this is back

when women actually worked you know but like so like it's all going well but then she gets a cold disease so she's cold all the time right and the husband's like that's a bit odd and then her uncle shows up as like I tell you what's happened here

that's not your wife anymore that's a changeling that's a fairy oh like a demonic possession yeah it's a fairy right there it's replaced your wife yeah yeah they're like you know what fairies love fresh milk so we're going to get loads of sour milk

and make her drink it so they give her loads of loads of sour milk they hold her down and it's funny that it's like her uncle and the husband I think the fad are holding her down

but go on come on you Philly come on drink it so they make her drink all the sour milk and she's like and they're like oh that's a sign

of being a fairy right there you know why didn't they give her fresh milk to say if she'd enjoy it I know she'd love it too much and then they shove some bread down her mouth

and it's still not working so they put her head in the fire okay because it Fairies hate fire. Oh, where did you see this? It was on YouTube there. But then it's still not working. So they cover her with lamp oil and set her in fire.

Yeah. And then she dies. You're not gold anymore, you stupid bitch. Yeah, fuck it out. So it's set her on fire, right? And she dies, obviously. Yeah. And they bury her in a bog because you're like, oh shit, this is a bit bad, isn't it? Yeah. But then he tells a priest, the husband does Brock.

And the priest is a little snitch, and he tells the guards. Then he gets arrested. And he goes to jail. And the whole time in jail, he's like, you know what? No guilt at all. I don't feel guilty for killing a fairy. Yeah. Yeah. For a change thing. Yep. And then apparently the guy on YouTube was saying that, to this

day, children Tipperary, still saying, you know, are you fairy, are you Bridget Clary? But obviously that bad on YouTube. Well, I'm down, sorry, I'm opening the can of coke here. I'm down south, so I've never heard that, but there is a mill in my village, and there was a guy years ago,

they made up a guy, and they call him Paddy Cones. Okay. And they had like a paycheck thing for him. So they came up with this system in the middle where you just clicked in the thing. And they met up a fake one. And for years and years, this guy was just, there was, and they would clock him in more

and clock him out and even. And then when he got a paycheck every Friday, they would take that paycheck and they'd all go to the pub and they'd all get drinks. Oh, nice. Paddy's buying this one. Yeah.

So now if anyone says anything, that's like back in the 1940s, 30s and 40s. But now still, if anyone in my village, you know, if you're down the pub, you might say something like, I'd say something like that. Oh, did you hear about that? Some of the ago.

Who told you that? Paddy Cones. You know what I mean? I like the little urban myths and stuff in little small towns. I like that's dying off a bit. There's loads of little stuff like that around my area that of, um, there's a one Petty Coat Loose.

Do you ever notice? There's a big lake up just above us. You know the V? Have you heard of the V? No. The highest road in Ireland. And it comes up to a point and then it just turns back in itself. So that's what they call it the V.

But up there there's a big lake called Baylock. And I remember, it was just stuck with me when I was a child. There was this woman called Petty Cote Lewis, and she had a deal with the devil. And he said, if you can empty Baylock with a timble, you can have your soul back. You know what I mean? You saw this as a young fellow, like,

but these are just stories. But when you're like fucking seven, you're like, oh my God, poor woman. But come here, can I just go back? Remember you said about an orgy? So I used to DJ years ago, right? I used to DJ. And you have these lads to be, you know,

they'd be DJ in in different towns or whatever. and they ring me up and they're really stuck. So this fellow rang me up one time and he goes, I believe you're a friend and such as I have a gig for you. And at the time,

this was like early two, early 2000s to say about 2,000 and four or five. And he goes, it's 400 pounds. The going rate was like 200 pounds. It was double money. I was like, you joke at me?

And he goes, yeah, 400 quid. They only wanted to play for three hours. It was 8 to 11 or whatever. And it's a party and but he was really specific about how to get there and it was a big house.

It was like a function. And to go around. the back and bring in your gear you just come in the door on the right-hand side there's plug set up the gear play a bit of background music if anyone has for requests you know so into this place and of course me being me i just fucking had a walk around and they had a roulette table in another room and all this and there was loads of cheer and log on this so they were all playing but there was all kind of money being put down they'd all had chips and there was this but they're all going around in um uh uh like tuxedos and the women are all dressed up to the

night really and the men seemed to be way older than the women there was a lot of young Okay, I like this. Right, yeah, so. And I kind of didn't realize what was kind of going on until really late in the night. Yeah. And as I was, a couple of girls came in and they were dancing, but they were only dancing. The dance floor was just full of about 10 or 12 women. Right.

All say in their 30s and 40s. And then a bunch of outfits came in and started dancing with, when they were grabbing them with the arces and the whole lot. They're all laughing. I was like, oh, hang on a second here. So the next thing, this fella come up who was like security and goes, you're finishing 11, yeah? And I said, yeah, yeah. He goes, just get your gear. and out the door.

And I said, all right, yeah, no problem. And then he came back to me and he goes back and he goes, we're actually, things are starting to kick off here. He didn't say kick off. He said something.

Things are moving on here, so we're going to get you to finish early. Just finish. That's your last song. And he goes, okay. And he, like he handed me my money. And I finished a quarter of 11

and just packed up. And the whole time he's watching me and watching me. And at this stage, there's people chasing each other around the fucking place. What the fuck? So, um, the fellow who gave me the gig, I rang him up then the next day. It says, uh, thanks to me for that gig last night. He goes, yeah, you had to go, okay.

I was fucking, you know, I want to make sure because that's, that's a good earner for me. So if you ever need me again, no, no, it's only because I was on holidays. I'll be doing them. Oh, Jesus. And I said, can I ask you something. Was that, yeah, no, I can't tell you anything. Wow. That's fucking eyes wide shut, man.

That's exactly what I fucking thought. Well, there are any faces you recognize. And this was a house, right? And this was a house that was, no, there was none of them. I didn't recognize it. No, like Fine Gael politicians. No. You didn't see End of Kenny or anyone.

Ben Bertie or her in there. I would say all in all there was probably only... I'd say there was probably only 40 or 50 people there. But there's a fucking massive big house in the middle of like you drove down for about two miles to get to this thing. Would you believe these were prostitutes or just women that were going along for like the money? I would say going along for the money. Yeah, it's a rich guy I'll go with whatever like... You could tell they were...

You could tell that the lads that had the tuxedos on didn't fucking just. rent them off you know of you know they were their tuxedos you know and there was and they're all drinking champagne and they're all you know there's fucking class there was actually kids there to start a night but they disappeared they disappeared they yeah there was two kids obviously oh holy fuck yeah yeah i should probably shouldn't have mentioned that part but anyway this is interesting i took me 400 quitted left it there's been down 30 years i when i was DJing you see some mad shit yeah there was mad party and there was a couple of different GDPR now i can't be saying too much but house parties

or you know in certain posh areas like right just all that oh because they have like it they'll always apply to them you know they have this sense they can do what they want yeah and they just if we kill a butler it's it's a bit of a laugh

yeah yeah or a DJ but like you would go DJ you're like DJ in a hallway you're just but I mean I've gone to parties and kids parties and all where in posh places where like no one's come near me and they played fucking 300 quid or something to have me there

yeah but they have a bouncy castle and they've a clown and they're a magician and they're fucking everything all the parents are in the jacks doing sniffs yeah and it's just like filthy but you know there's a very I really want to investigate more

there's a whole kind of like rich side of Ireland that we don't really see see see I'm that's the part I remember going out to I'm out in the station out in Dunleary now we're going around Dawkey one time

and I was only just kind of moved to the station and one of the lads I said the lads who lives in there there's a big massive house whose house is that and he said you need to stop

associating wealth with fame the people that are out here nobody knows who the fuck they are exactly their families have been filthy they buy and sell Bono for fucking old money and nobody knows who they are and that's the way they fucking like yeah man so there's a whole area

are they Irish you think oh yeah yeah that's thing so like at least in London it's like oh Saudis yeah but this is like these old families that again no one knows what they do if you look up like rich people in Ireland you never heard of most of it kind of goes back to like sort of the Anglo fucking

Anglo-Celtic sort of English landlords in Ireland or Irish landlords with British connections like that's where the real like all the real old old money like you can draw a line it all goes back to England

but some of these I know one of them got in trouble there and it was one of the biggest houses and it's only done because he was on the newspaper that kind of knew who he was but he was a judge right so but I think it's all that kind of stuff

you know it's all barristers and what's that one you know where you're a accountant but you're more than an accountant. Solicitor. Actuary or something? Oh, actuary. So it is a. Well, there's that thing of like old, so like old wealthy families, they're sort of, they would raise a number of like sons as like one son goes into politics, one goes into law, one becomes a priest. So it's like, you always, so like the kind of powerful, the institutions

of power, we, that family will always have a certain amount of influence over them. They have their finger in each point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They kept their options open, basically. One's a guard as well. You notice, like, none of them ever said, okay, and now you become a comedian and you become a DJ, you know, it's like, yeah.

Because I always tell people that when we put fires out there, we put it out with sparkling water. It's that kind of an area. But, no, it's funny. I was trying to think of something there recently that in any other country in the world, like, if your son was, like, said to you, like, I have a son who's seven.

You know, and if you were in American, and I said, Dad, I'd like to be president. You'd be like, you could be president, Randy. You could be whatever you want. If my son genuinely said to me, I want to be T-Shuck, I'd be like, what the fuck? What? Why would you want?

Get in politics. You're fucking joking me. Get to fucking... He's already too late, you know? Yeah. Unless you yourself were like a very prominent, like, a phenofal or fial politician. Yeah.

It's not going to happen. It's never going to happen. And the only way in it is to go in one of these parties like the... Yeah. Excuse me. What's your man, something, Murphy? What's his name? I asked it wrong pal here.

I wouldn't know anything about politics One of the first times I was out there actually I'm like commoner I was about to tell a story there and I can't GDPR again I was something to do with Fire Brigade but yeah the same is the Patreon yeah I'll tell you

I'll tell you that story in the Patreon because there's a lot going on at the moment about evictions and the whole lot and you're like for fuck's sake you know because I think that you know again I'll talk you in the

I've noticed they're making the big push for guards recently a lot of the podcasts and like in the radio is a lot of ads to be like being a guard's great but did you hear that ad on the for the guard so it's a like if anyone ask me about the fireby

I'll say it's oh it's fucking great you get to spray water everywhere and you've got to drive through traffic with the sirens going to spray and then they go yeah but you see we must see some terrible stuff every now and again but no mainly you spray water you know what I mean

you gotta sell the fucking job the guard's ad at the moment is something like I'm a guard and she's got a kind of a norther next I'm a guard for a long time and I remember I'd only started as a guard and we got this young boy who the family had only moved

and he sudden death and and then on his birthday every year now I send a card and oh I love doing my job and like okay what's whose plan was that like that you're going to be sitting at home going the ads even worse dead kids that's the job for me

the ad's even worse basically it's like oh we found this kid his parents had died in some big accident yeah he was very sad but like then a year later we had the cars drive past his house and uh that's the knee no knee and the kid probably loved it yeah

If anything, it covered up the sound of him crying for a few minutes. Because, oh, what a whingy week. And I was like, how the fuck are you, how was anyone going to listen to that and go? Yep, that's the job for me. My cousin just became a guard. She's, like, younger than me. And, like, she's a guard. She was doing law.

Now she's a guard. So it's like, it obviously is appealing to people on some level. The shift work is great, I have to say, because obviously, I wouldn't be here doing this show, if I had, if I actually had a 9-to-5 job. And the other thing then was the pension, but the pension is gone now as well. So that's another. Is it gone? Yeah, it's.

Don't mention that on the ad. It's, you know, it's only a fraction. I don't want to comfort a small child. Jesus. It actually went, they started to kind of claw waited when I had just joined the job. So I'm not on, I'll retire in about five years' time and I wouldn't be, I can retire five years time. Yeah, yeah.

And I wouldn't be on the same pension as fellas who came in like two years before me. Are you going to go wild when you retire, man? No, I will, I'll be really, I'll have to be penny pension and fucking doing comedy gigs. I'll be ringing up people, go on, give us a gig, give us a gig, come on. No, just purge it all. Well, you're too warm, actually is it. Brian at James podcast, so you're not allowed to do this. You were cancelled back in 2003.

No, I, and you're still doing the same material for 30 years. Hey, nobody gets mad at Seinfeld when he's doing it. Seinfeld can do all the material and bang the teenagers and nobody gets mad at him. At the height of the show being on air, he was going out with a 17-year-old. That's how you know a show is popular, my friend. Do you know, material, I did The Crunch last night. There was a guy in the corner from Kilkenny. be nice yeah and there was a guy in the corner

someday maybe someday no but there was a guy in the corner from Kilkenny and I just made a joke about Hurling and fucking talk about just like arms folded stared me out of the rest of the gig and then at the end of the night and the guy the barman is from Kilkenny and I was telling him afterwards and he was like

some fellas Kilkenny they're just unbelievable like they just take it so serious I just made a joke about Tipperary I just, there was a bunch of Americans and said, have you heard of Superary? Well, our national sport is hurling and we are the best county in Ireland that hurling by far.

And I looked over to me and isn't that right in your mouth? I was like, no! And I was like, all right, chill out you, fucking, you know. And then I said, your man's from Kilkenny. I said, there are our rivals. I'm surprised you're not wearing your jersey. You always get that, don't you?

And I turn to the career, you always get that, don't you? People wearing Kilkenny jerseys at fucking Slane or the RDS at a concert or something. There's always two or three lads wearing it. Oh, I'm going up to the big smoke. I'll throw on me, Kenny, Jersey, everyone will know where I'm from. And I said, we already know where you're from

by the fucking head on you. And I looked at how much amount, he's bull and Steve coming out of his ears, and he was fucking bullock. It's funny how, like, some people, like, everyone's got a little thing where, like, oh, laugh, sighting me, fucking snowflakes. Don't make fun of hurling. He didn't get it out of your Israel, Palestine jokes,

but, oh, the hurling, that... I have a bad reputation in the crunch for trying out stuff that didn't go well. I remember I had a joke one time. actually I'll tell you what it was. I tried this joke when I started out doing comedy and then had forgotten about it and I saw the notebook and I went, that's a great joke.

Why don't I do that joke? And then went into The Crunch one night. Everything going well and I always drove and trying something new, I put it in the middle. Yeah, yeah. And so I put, and it was, I was watching the quiz show today and the host asked the guy, what football team had their home ground

in the stadium of light. And he said, oh, Jesus. My father is going to be at home now shouting at the television. And the host said, oh, is he a football fan? He said, no, he's got dementia. That's great. It's a good joke. Total silence.

And one guy down the back went, ha! And I would totally have a joke, especially for that guy down the back down. No, that's a joke. You've got to keep doing it. And, you know, people who don't laugh at it, you know, you got to, like, is really punch them. Follow them home and keep saying into those. That's one of those key words that you see, all anyone hears is dementia. Because I had another one that said, I think it was, oh, 2008.

was a big year for me I turned 45 I just beat cancer it was big cheer and I was like yeah because my birthday's on 24 to June

so I'm a Gemini and then they're like oh you know so you can't fucking there's certain words there's certain words

yeah that you can't really no no you can like I think just keep saying it it's funny it just never stop so that's advice

from Brian see it's funny I found the N word will be funny again Paul I guarantee it

mark my words The N-Words going to have a big glow-up, I promise. I'd be cancer, because I'm a... I'm always, as I mentioned DJ, where I always approached comedy the same as DJ. So if I was there and I was thinking, I want to play some wham because I'm doing some 80s. My favorite wham song is I'm your man.

But not many people know that, whereas everyone knows wake me up before you go-go. I'll play it safe and I'll play wake me up before you go-go. And that's the same kind of approach I've had to comedy. Yeah, yeah. Go for the people-pleasing. Yeah, I think it's the... I don't know.

I keep telling myself, right, I'm going to actually, like, sit down and try and write some real, like, crowd-pleasing jokes that everyone can like and get away from the material that makes people sick, which is apparently all I deal. It was quite funny.

You've told me this before. I can't do it. And then you get upstairs. I can't think of it. You told me this coming back in the car from Galway. I can't think of anything. You ever fuck a corpse so hard. It goes back to life.

Come on. And then you kill it again. Because I could. only get hard when it's dead we were in Galway and I remember the first thing you went up the first your first joke there was someone in I think it was Danny O'Brien's aunt and uncle or something

and you went up to stage and he goes how are you I'm from Monaghan and when I was four years old a cow shitting me mouth yes and Daniel Brines his aunt looked at his uncle and went like raise their eyebrows and went oh okay that's that's playful I think that's playful

it's also a true story I'm living my truth calm down games sorry we tapped it in something that is out of my set I think that's like playful it's like oh this will ease

them in say a car shitting in my infant mouth but like yeah you need a little bit of like this is me giving advice

this is a lost cause right now but like yourself like you need a little bit of like oh I like my cat does something funny

yeah it's a little bit like just like so you don't go from like necrophilia to paedophilia to necrophilia a little bit of like my cat acts funny when the vacuum

cleaners go won't you I know I understand like a lot of people have kind of tuck me not taking me aside it's like maybe try and come up with some also you're screaming their face like Johnny Vegas they used to be a fellow years ago

you stood out in if somebody didn't laugh he goes that was fucking funny you need pointed people and shout in the face all right because you tell the audience that then that's what you want to do. I mean, in fairness, I do get laughs. I'm not going up there and bombing every time. I know that.

No, no. Yeah, that particular one in Godwin, I'm talking about you. It was great. It was, but I always remember them looking at each other. They were all necrophilias. It was also three in the afternoon. And oh my God, I was so hung over. Like, I sweat a lot when I'm on stage.

This was the sweatiest I had ever been. I was just dripping. It was disgusting. Were you supposed to come out that night or something? You texted me said, no, I'm in bits of something. Yeah, yeah. Pussy. Yeah, I just went really hard

The night before And I just had to Because then I had to wake up And just start pounding Bulmers Because I was so broke I couldn't buy beer But Bulmers was the sponsor So there was free Bulmers ever

So I'm just like guzzling Bulmers Which I hate But I'm trying to get rid of the hangover I love Bulmers Sweating profusely It's just disgusting That's it there Talk about sweating

That makes you likeable Yeah You know People like that You know when you're fucking A corpse And you sweat all over a news with me.

But, like, you're very good of being self-deprecating. Oh, too much, to be honest. You're self-deprecating all the time. But, like, a little bit more of that, I'm just like, you know, oh, you know, such and such. You ever, like, oh, I can't think of it now. Like, you know, I was on a date and I was sweating.

And, you know, she thought it was raining. Yeah. You know, something like that. I sweat so much that the fire began get me to run through house fires. Yeah, well, I like this. This is brainstorming right now. She gets disgusted by my sweating.

like, well, if you don't want me getting wet, maybe you would be getting wet and then I stick a bottle in her face. What about that? Is that what we think there? I'm a couple of leaders off being a superhero. All right. You see, we just caught you there.

You went all defensive. I did. I did. I want a bottle of woman. It's my defense mechanism. Bottling women is how I shield myself from the pain. Where's that book where I said,

don't get me canceled. I'm sorry. I'm a joke I'm a money joke I'm a joke Yeah But no I think

yourself now you've got a great set and just a little bit of like This is turned into like a self help

thing just call me a retort I'll talk about my set I think I need a bit more that as well

like I did a set recently I was like this is all sexual stuff yeah I have non-sexual

stuff but I just I like doing the sexual stuff is just very shocking you know going back to what stuff

that you've done the podcast the thing about the steam room thing the boiler house the steam room

Again, that's something I actually have a little bit I'm working on the moment about that. I think that's such a great because you did the two stories within and there was the lap dance and lap thing and then the steam room. I just thought the comparison of the fucking two. It was like...

Yeah, that's definitely something, but like at the moment I'm trying to move way because I have like sexual things, sexual thing, sexual thing. All about Steam route. Like it's just a bit too much. Again, like yourself, I need a bit more of like... So I'm doing more stuff at the moment. This is getting too serious now, but...

It is. More stuff about my mad and stuff like that. Just to seem a bit more human. I'll tell a dad joke. yeah yeah wait hang on now you've got a lady and it's so you're in a normal relationship now how do she i'm trying tell you that now it's on the razor's edge does she live does she listen to the podcast yeah do she know about your boiler house experiences oh she does yeah oh this a cool lady yeah she says she said she thinks you know what you know what i'm i'm not trying to mean here oh here we go

i like you that go on i said this before like so i like this girl right yeah and there's a while ago you made a joke about having sex with her and i honestly felt so sick. I don't be that a bad way. That's a good sign though, that's. The idea of you sweating on her. And I will too. I sweat all over Brian. Oh, I'd be like waterboarding

man. I'll go fucking Guantanamo Bay on that bitch. That's a good sign if you're getting it. Yeah. I wasn't like, stay away from her. That's my beautiful baby girl. I wasn't like, hey, you stay away for my steady gal or I'll sock you right in the nose. I just talked about that. I was like, I would really feel

I would be very depressed if James fucked her. Of course that would never happen for multiple of reasons. If James was sexually gratified by her, I would not, I would be miffed. Yeah, okay. Well, I promise not to do that now. He says it now. See, my last girlfriend, yeah?

And the one before, and the one before that. You always bringing that up. I'm telling you, it's like a, you know, it's a test. I'm putting their faith to the death. But, like, it's going well. We got a little trip for Derry booked, which is going I'm having an awful time trying to buy tickets for fucking Derry FC. There are a bunch of cunts, by the way.

Like, you think he's going to the website and buy the tickets. It's basically like a drug deal where, like, you can't just buy it. Like, they send you a thing where it's like, you have to sign up for this and wait for a send out a link. And you have to go there and then we'll send you another link. It's like a whole complex thing. Yeah. No, I literally a click, like the shit, yeah.

Yeah, it should just be tickets there you go like. And it's like, also, the only released it, like, I was waiting for them to release the link, okay? I was waiting for ages and I just left and I came back then it would have been up for like three hours and I was like oh fuck I missed it and I'm signing up for the link now

I'm trying to call them they won't answer me it's like she's gonna leave me I don't know much about League of Ireland football but are Derry one of the they're number two at the moment they're very good yeah who are they behind the doc

no bo's actually good but they would have a big following so it's obviously to protect it I was saying like season ticket holders and also they tell you like straight up like Rose was like you know j to whatever like they're going to be very loud

and you're probably you're probably too sissy to be there is there a sectarian angle do they have to divide the Catholics and the prods I'm not too sure about that okay make sure you ask though

I'll go I'm trying even trying to get to draw that so it's draw there versus dairy it's not it's not like the biggest game I was in dairy recently I was saying you this and you're talking to some very big hot titted woman over there

yeah there was loads of them they were all so friendly you know what I mean And there was like, like overly, like to the point to the talk, went into Starbucks and I said to your one guy, she goes, hey, honey, you're going to as large cappuccino. And what's your name? I said, Paul. She said, Graham, do you know like you do

at Starbucks? And then I stepped on to the next and you wanted the barista one was looking and she goes. And she looks up to me and she goes, are you Paul? And I goes, yeah, I'm going to have you a large cappuccino now in a minute. I was like, oh, thanks. I was like, am I on fucking television here? Because you know, like the customer service around Dublin is just

fucking terrible. Oh, yeah, man. It's all like skinny, depressed teenagers, things? Yeah, I don't want to be here. Here's your coffee. And then you want to throw it in their face. Then you go cry in the bathroom and film out. We had a shop. We had a shopping temporary, so I grew up in a shop

and my parents were all on about customer service. It's your bread butter. And then my first jobs, I was in the airport and I was in Guinnesses and the whole lot. And you were in customer service. Wait, wait back there. What were you in the airport first? I was in the airport police for a year.

Whoa. So you have power. The airport police. Yeah, you had actually, you had unbelievable power because there was a thing called Section 33 of the Air Navigation and Transport Act which was like this fallback thing

that you could use and basically it's to sum it up it was if I didn't like the look of a fellow I could lock him up for 48 hours Oh that's great Oh I want that power right now Now it was never really never really used

I had nine arrests there I was there I think I had nine arrests me for six months I just kept fucking coming up across the wrong stuff I was just misfortune And there was ladies lads there 20 years Never arrested anyone

Like I'll give you an example I was on Friskin one day and there was a guy who would do the breaks but he got held up because the brakeman has to open gates that wouldn't normally be open so he'd open this gate out on one of the ramps to fucking lay in some construction workers so the sergeant came up and he said the breakman has held up with you take a half an hour there with you yeah I said yeah no problem I stepped out of the friskin area walking across and this girl rooms with me she goes there's a guy robbing our shop and I look in and there's this fucking this scumbag fucking looking fellow just grabbing stuff

and putting him into his pocket. I was off for fuck's sake. And then I went over and I went here buddy and the minute he saw me he made him run for it and I grabbed them and the two of us are falling around the ground and I managed to get his hands behind his back and handcuffed him and then got on the radio

and said I need assistance I'm outside Hughes and he was in the main area of rest here blah blah blah and the sergeant turned to all the guys on Frisco and went I told him to go in a fucking break because he was disgusted that I was fucking you know after arresting some fucking guy so then like this is like

oh more fucking work you know this kind of But I was, yeah, it was a hectic year that I was there, but I got to fire brigade and the end, so I didn't, I went to the library. What year was that? That was 96. Okay, right, right, right. I collected uniforms. I was in Guinnesses.

I was in Guinness to security and, uh... Now, Guinness is, that's not Guinness, the brewery, yeah, yeah. Oh, really? But everything went contracts, so I went in a contract. They used to say to get a job in Guinnesses, you need a reference from two living popes. That's how hard it was a fucking get in there. But we, they started turning everything contract,

and one of the things that it was, uh, the security. And I did a security and safety course, and when I did, I got offered nine jobs and went and did nine interviews and was part of the thing and I got all nine because there were guys used to be slagging me going what the fuck are you saying in those interviews and uh but your man

the crowd federal said to me that we're hoping to take over the fire service and I wanted to get into double fire brigade so I thought that's going to be good for me CV yeah I'll go with them so for about two years two and a half years I was going around the pissings rain clock and keys you know and fucking all this and then the fire brigade

they took over from so I was in the fire brigade there and uh it was it wasn't it was again it was great for the CV and then I got the airport police and I fucked off to that and then I got double fire brigades but when we just put fires out in Guinness

as we would have to put them out with water first and then wait a minute and then top them off at full no but it was good like they have their own like there's an ammonia plant of nitrogen planted a CO2 plant so there's enough you're an industrial firefighter you have to learn all about that shrike

right right yeah there's obviously so much that goes into it that the common man wouldn't even realize yeah there's a lot of extra kind of stuff Can I ask, will you sign up to be a fireman? How rigorous is the training and has it got more rigorous? You think he could make it? It's got more.

I think they only recruited recently. Does it involve street smarts? Does my knowledge of Wu-Tang? Will that help? They usually know you kind of have to have a background that you're kind of in the civil offence or your first aid or something about. I remember when I joined, they took on guys that had just come out of college that were engineers and a three of them left in the first two weeks.

they're like fuck this yeah you know the training for the first two weeks is the hardest right it's real like big heavy hoses because you know and you you run with them you roll them out yeah like going up ladders with

yeah and all that kind of stuff so there was all that kind of stuff for the first two weeks and that's a real like make or break stuff and literally broke like three glass but I lost I was there for six months in time I think I lost like two and a half stone really just yeah just small because it was so full because I had a year before that

in the airport just driving around the car and there was a thing out out in the ramp that if you're on the car they had a big canteen Aer Lingus had a canteen and it was

30 cents a sausage 20 cents hash brown you know this kind of thing so you and him and you've got a big foam thing it was like something

out of America and you got these fucking breakfast that were just unbelievable for like two euros so I was just you know so yeah

so I was so unfit when I got the farbie get but I got through it anyway yeah yeah well like I imagine you know during you know when you go out in a call there's probably a certain amount of adrenaline that kicks in

and keeps you sort of going right most of your job you'll do it all within the first five minutes of getting there you know what I mean like if you get to house fire and there someone in there whatever you'll have your BA set on and you'll run in and you'll try and grab the person and get them out or whatever and then it'll be done in the first five minutes and then it's a kind of a system where

you'd rather too many people be there than not enough so whenever there's like a house fire there's there's three fire engines going there's 12 lads when you know realistically there's probably only two or four need to be there but you just you have loads of extra lads one of the hardest things is to be at something and not get involved if you go to a road traffic accident or something like that and you can see that every job is being done to actually stand there and doing nothing as the hardest part

yeah yeah well i've got better at that as the years go on i'd be very good at that now i bring a little game boy with me oh you know do you know the one thing i remember because i'm from the small village in the tipper area and rarely would anyone like come to Dublin or whatever and there was a big there was a car went in underneath a truck on the M50 and your man was grand

you should have seen this it's like a fucking accordion it was folded up but we cut him out of it anyway but I was driving that day so when you drive you're the pump operator so you come around

to the back of the pump right and if you're so if you were at a fire being a pump operator is a tough job if there's a lot of hoses like I was at a big fire

in Sandy Ford there recently and I had six hoses on to go the whole time and you're the whole time watching the pressure and the whole lot you know Jesus yes

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in this particular one, we had two hoses out either side for fear that some part of the car went up in fire and that they were able to... So I had to make sure that the pressure was so I was standing there. So then my sister was down the local pub and she overheard this one going, I was stuck in traffic on the M50. There was a fucking major crash. And who's there only, your man, Paul Marrish? And as all the rest of him were doing all the work, he's standing at the back of the fire engine doing fuck all. Holy fuck.

And I was like, fuck that. annoyed the shit out of me so the next time I was down I made sure to get chatting to her I was like oh here he is she goes I saw you oh yeah yeah because I was the pump operator

but it's cast to me that was her perception yeah he's just standing there and fuck all what a fucking yeah yeah what could but just

that wasn't your sister who said it was somebody else someone else said it yeah along for a free ride probably yeah it was like

couldn't wait to go back and tell that to the business is like you're out there like you're out there like you're helping somebody who crash

car's like oh what a lady conjure you know he probably he took that job from a underprivileged immigrant who needs it, you know. Typical white man standing there. That's just so typical Ireland, though.

It's fucking discussed. I was going to ask something now, and you might not have a good answer for this, but... Right. So, when you're watching any kind of TV show or movie featuring Firemen... Oh, yeah. Yeah. Is there anything you look in being, like, that's so inaccurate. Oh, that's so annoying. Because you said to me before about

backdraft, that is the most ridiculous movie. Like, there's so much wrong with it. And do you know the lads in work take the piss out of it so much? we went to fire alarm there recently the shopping center in Dunleary

and I pull up aside I'm like I'm driving I'm like half asleep they all went in Met Security went in and next thing

you hear it is hey sway Zach get them I was like what the fuck on the radio I thought there was something on

and then they're fucking quoting backdrop the pricks they have to fucking fighting the shit out of me I thought with something

but um no there's loads of stuff like but obviously like because it's a movie and they pay a big money

to an actor that's the biggest is you don't go anywhere you haven't gone anywhere for the last 20 years without a breeding apparatus set on your face. It's kind of like you own Spider-Man movies.

Did he take the Spider-Man mask off so you can see Tom Holland? Yeah. Yeah. So there's no like that, and that's the biggest thing. These lads just waltzing in. And the other thing is where there's loads and loads of flames but no smoke. That's another like, you know. I've only ever seen that once because there was a shopping center and Taladowing up and fire.

But there was a hole in the roof that made a perfect chimney. So the smoke was just bellowing out. So we can see that everything was on fire, but there was no smoke. And the fellow's with me goes, this is like a fucking movie. you know that you can because normally you can't see your hand at front of your face that's the thing yeah

so that's why there's no smoke in the movies because then you wouldn't be able to see anything but there's loads of different stuff like that or dirty thing from a paramedic point of view you know in Baywatch where someone fucking drowns and they just do like two goes to CPR and a person spit some water out and they're ground again

that doesn't fucking happen even they get up straight away and they're not very very sexy but I we've defibrillators now and we're having a good record with them you know and they're everywhere nowadays they're great fucking They just installed them

where I work We were doing a bit at that as well to tell you about Little Annie, the little prostitute no

I thought you because the doll we use is called Little Annie as well That's it That's what I'm talking about Yeah, you know

her story The Lanny's Oh yeah I heard this before that there was Yeah yeah I think I told you

before James So basically there was a little French prostitute back in the day Like way years and years ago Like you know

And she got murdered And the guy who found her like the mortician was like Jesus she looks great now I'm going to take a mold of her because she looks perfect

and then use her as a dummy and that's how the land it's Rissussi Ann is her name Rissusianne Jesus So that's what we were doing that We were doing a little bit of a And they wear a track suit One of the lads I remember years ago

When he was small Because we all fairly big when you join The Farby Gade but when I joined in 1997 They got rid of the height restriction So there was like one or two small for us Okay And he put the wig from Rissuscian on and the track suit and lay down on the ground

and some guy came over to do and he just jumped up you know what we've done loads of it I should be talking to I'd be a wacky guy yeah you know well you see it out in the airport the fucking messing we did in the airport before 9-11 was fucking unreal that changed everything like the lads that I still know the work they were like totally different job

but we used to take the piss all the I had a gun a child's gun right and what you do is all the old fellas have come in and friskin and all they wanted to do was go in behind and look at the cameras and as the bag comes through it's all different colours

and every colour is like something so a metal would be you know a particular colour come up with brown or green and whatever and what you do is you see some owl coming through with a bag

and go here loo I'll get that for you give us that bag you walk away there and you throw the bag up into the thing and put the gun underneath so the camera's looking down

it looks like the gun is in the bag and next see you imagine they'd literally be fucking reading the newspaper and just glancing up every now and again you'd like look up

and see the fucking the shape of a gun and the fucking hit the button go who's is this And so my other one, I go, that's my bag. When he lifted up the gun and say,

he'd go, Mersh, you fucking cop the fuck on, you know. And I remember one time we, I like the idea of you trying to do that right after night 11th. You've got a turban on and say, oh, it's not funny anymore, is it?

We're not having to laugh anymore. People will come up to you and go, here my sister's flying out this morning or we're after putting a big knife in her bag. Yeah. Just for the wind up. Ah, yeah, no problem. You know, this was a regular thing.

That's so funny. I remember Bridgeting, one time coming up and saying she had her friend with her and she wants to bring her down to the... Brigitte Nielsen? Yeah. Holy shit. And I was like, yeah, no problem.

Like, I'll just let you want to go airside, yeah. Have you go. No problem. She's got to go on the fucking plane for all now, you know. You know what I mean? I said, when you're coming back out, make sure you come back up? When was this? When was I was there?

Ninety-six, yeah. So she'd still be looking to do it. Oh, she was coming at loads and she was like, she was after being on the late late, late. Right, right. I was like, hey, Brigidson. She was probably pretty sauced up. she was a bit of Abu's hand I believe

met loads of she had a friend with her she was banging flavour of flavour she's probably bang gay as well the white flavour oh yeah I knew I was going to tell you something there so this like kind of an Arab type guy came in let's say Arab he had like a big

white overall you know like a dress type flowy thing yeah so he came to shoot a metal detector and it bipped and he had a woman with him that was doing translate for him he was saying to her and she goes he has a condition is there someplace we can go

where he can talk to him yeah grand and I just turned to one of the last Jimmy Jimmy you come with me because we had a room and decided you could go into and went into the room and the guy bent down grabbed the dress and pulled it up and put it like in underneath his his chin and it was

elephantitis of the nuts holy shit and it was the size of like two footballs in a cage so the cage was what was setting off the fucking and all I know you can imagine balls in a cage where they're like poking out everywhere. Big hairy,

big, massive fucking hairy. What he's got a cage? And my seven, my seven, Jimmy, the two was just went, okay. And then open the door and off he went. And we were like, fuck me. And then for weeks afterwards,

Jimmy would go, I can't stop thinking about that fucking thing. Like, the cage was there just like, stop the cage. He had a cage as an underpants type thing. He had a belt around his waist that was tied onto this cage. And the cage was holding a whole.

Oh, wow. Because probably nothing else like, you know. Jesus. Your fucking F and F boxers from Tesco ain't gonna be a hold on that, you know? This thing was the size of two footballs, that's no exaggeration. It's fucking massive. It must have been incredibly painful then.

Yeah, I was watching like he was kind of waddling, you know. He wasn't an overweight guy around and he was just kind of, but yeah, fuck me. That's mad. You think you have it bad. You left me speechless there, yeah. You took the words right out of my mouth. The Muslim man's giant balls.

See, I got your man, Jimmy, to come in with me. And he's going, and he just kept giving out to me for weeks Asks, I was, what fucking, I can't get that on my head. You're not a little bollocks bring me in there. Excuse the pun. It's not like you. I think we're just out of that we're there. Yeah, but we stopped in the middle.

Yeah. For a few minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there anything you want to plug? This is going to be the free one. Oh, yeah, Jesus. I'm the worst of the fucking world. I have a show on the fort in May, May the Fort.

May the Fort. In the Wild Duck, yeah. So it's me and Lark and Hughes. and we have Stephen Ryan so it's just going to be big I met Stephen there recently yeah have you ever met him before or no oh of course

he's a fucking I love we're doing a podcast we're doing a podcast with seven Stephen oh yeah so we've we've about six episodes recorded it's called tell us a joke so we just talk about jokes

so we have to get you on we'll have to I would love that yeah my plan is you know what I was thinking about doing is having a barbecue on my place someday yeah inviting a lot of people and then just for like a half an hour of time

just go upstairs and record a podcast and come back and join it is kind of like a wild party Instead of going upstairs of sex. Yeah, we're just going to do a podcast. We're going to podcasted. After, like, smell my finger.

And then you come back and you go... Fidelio, we have to give the password. I lasted ages. So it's just you talk about jokes. Just talking about jokes. Jokes that don't work, that did work, favorite comedian jokes. I'm a big fan of jokes that don't work

and bad specials. I love seeing that stuff. I don't like good specials. see i'm i'm i'm terrible i brought my movies thing too because with movies i i always read the reviews and read the yeah so i brought that to comedy where i should be actually watching bad comedians and learning from them i only ever go to ones that people recommend me well in fairness you know being on the irish comedy scene you're you're seeing plenty of yeah yeah yeah you're kind of a bit of a buzzman holiday for you you know the ones who do get the netflix special and they're

brutal that's the ones i should yeah it's so interesting fascinating yeah sometimes it's like you are somewhat successful you've been doing this for a while and I assume this is like a crowd well no I take it back I was going to say these are your fans but I think what Netflix do a good bit is they'll kind of like stack it where they'll have a

crowd in and then they'll do like three specials in a row yeah so that might explain why sometimes I watch a lot of specials and there's not that much laughing I think it's just because the crowd is tired I watched a special recently I forget who it was now but it was interesting

the amount of just like he did the joke and people just clapped at the end of the joke it's like you know it's almost like a fair play to you man let's just get through this you know yeah it is kind of interesting because it's like hard to fake a laugh

but you can just clap and go yeah you can go it yeah yeah I always quote Paul Curry Paul Curry did a you know the comedians comedian podcast if you ever get a chance he's brilliant on it but he said in it that people will go someone will say to you

hey we're going to see a band oh yeah you go what kind of band are they oh they're jazz band oh i don't like jazz yeah they just go no well if somebody goes we're going to go see a comedian you go oh deadly yeah you don't ever ask what kind of comedian yeah so there is like a market out there for a certain

you know that did you get to again that's why people like go like some people get very like that's the wrong type of comedy or like that shit but like there's some dumb person that will like it yeah it's kind of saying like I don't like heavy metal it's like well some people do like it yeah yeah I like it as well not gay

But the point is He got that in just under the wires Like I'm okay Thanks for listening Like I won't say who now But a friend of mine Brought his missus to a Jim Jeffery show recently

Right And I was so shocked by the fact That she didn't like it And it's like Yeah What are you doing man My sister I brought my sister and her husband

They didn't like him To Jim Jeffries Yeah he played Vickle Street They did not like him at all When was this? Oh years and years ago So it was like Back when he was out

Fucking Maslim's a guy Wankers y'allai you know like I promote a couple of shows I always use this is an example as well that when you're a promoter you have to be really careful and I've told people this story more times

I probably told you already anyway but I did a show in Tala and we had to think about six or seven shows but I had my four or five comedians booked a headliner and then I put on a few good lads in my level or whatever and met one of them aside in town

and he had a mate with him that did comedy and the mate said oh I saw you last week you're very good oh thanks very much you know you'd be kind of big headed or whatever yeah oh thanks very much

and then I said to my mate is he is he any good is he and then he goes yeah yeah he's very good because I had a faller for the gig on tourism if you want to bring him out

to his hall and he can do five minutes oh you'd be delighted that'd be great so he went in anyway and there's a battle of the accident he was up and he got up and he got up the stage

and he did this whole routine about riding his mother and I was like oh for fuck's sake yeah oh like I'm at to give this guy a gig what do I do what do I do and then I'll go

I'm in a mistake there's actually not a spot whatever. I was I was sweating for the next two days. I just got, how bad could it be? So the night anyway, Al Porter was on. Oh, who? And in fairness, Al Porter,

I think Patser was on. I was on. I remember I think it was, and Carl Spain and someone else. It was a fucking great lineup. Oh, sorry, and your man, I won't say with this guy because you know who I'm talking about that. And then he's mate. Right. So basically, including the MC, I had five great acts

and this guy. so my one of the lads from work i had convinced him because he's from tallow you gotta go see the comedy show yeah and then the next day in work he says to me fuck sake mershey you must be embarrassed are you i said what that fucking show last night fucking how you mean yeah man going on about writing his mother fucking hell and i goes yeah well yeah that was bad but what about carl spain oh yeah carl spain was brilliant he was hilarious yeah but your man yeah but what about al porter wasn't yeah no all's bringing he's brilliant yeah yeah but your man going on a bit around

his mother he just wouldn't let it go and then for ages afterwards he said to people oh I went to one of his fucking shows

one night fucking this fellow going and I was like so you know you're ruined it's just five minutes against the whole

rest of the show well you know what it is comedy comedy's very sensatory if that's the word yeah it's definitely not

okay well I'm just saying like comedy is something we're like you know what's like if you got a big cake and it was some dog shit

in it like the rest of cake is very good yeah The dog shit does ruin the gig. For some people it can very easily spoil the whole knife for a... But what I'm saying is when you're a promoter,

you have to be a baker who bakes a cake without the dog shit. Yes, exactly. That is the challenge, yeah. Even though the dog shit is hanging around the stairs going to eat, why aren't you giving me a gig? And I'm as good as that fucking... I'm as good as that cream.

I'm as good as that fucking sponge. Why aren't I getting a fucking gig? You hate me, don't you? It's because I'm fucking... I'm this, I'm different, isn't it? That's why? Because I'm dog shit. I'm a different colour to the fucking white cream,

aren't I? Yeah, and you're not fucking give me a gig. There you know. And you're discriminating and you hold all the cards and middle-aged white men, you're all bastards. That's basically right. That's great. You know what? You came in with a sign saying,

don't get me cancelled? You just cancelled yourself. Well done, boy. Yeah. I don't know what. Maybe dog shit was the bad thing. My analogy went to a different way there, yeah. Do you know what I love about this as well?

Every day and again, you go, edit that out. And you clearly didn't. edited it out. Well, I will say sometimes I leave in stuff that that James has edited and sometimes I'm like I cannot leave that. Oh, there was a huge clap because I got in touch to dude. There was an episode recently and I was like, what happened there?

I knew I had an idea what I was. I had an idea what I was going on. Yeah, Paul 's got the exclusive Patreon membership. He can just call us up. What was that bitch you cut on it? I like 5am. You see, if you do cut out and out of the regular episode, you should actually put it in the Patreon. Yeah, just like a great It's complication of me saying slurts.

Yeah. Sometimes I'm like, no, James will thank me for this. Okay, yeah, so your show is in The Wild Dock. The Wild Dock made it for it and it's up for sale. I hop onto my Instagram and I've... Yeah, plug it all. I'm going to put all these links, by the way, into the actual description of the show itself. He's never done that before.

I've started doing the Instagram thing because, lately because I just thought I've all these stupid ideas for videos. I better start getting around to doing them, you know what I'm actually enjoying doing them. It's just being, you know, silly kind of... Yeah, yeah. Some of my friends saw you a while ago and they liked your stuff, by the way. Oh, did he? It takes me. So I won't say who. Well, we're big fans of you, Paul.

We've always been very kind to us on stage and offstage. So I'll tell you what, we're going to jump onto a Patreon a few minutes. You want to stick around to do it. Absolutely. But in that case, we might get in your little... treat or something maybe like a kick cat or something or something to keep you going you know my kind of coke that you got me is lovely now I'll say yeah well I kind of want to get kick cats so yeah well so don't you can't stop me I need I need to ring my wife okay

that's to send me important I suppose I'm my psychiatrist yeah all right well hey go buy tickets to Paul show yeah too come in it'll be fun oh sorry can I say one more thing yes so it's been sponsored and you get a free point and if you mention Brian and James's podcast I'll buy you a shot. So you've got a point in a shot. Does that count for us? Yeah,

that comes for you as well. Oh, fuck, I'm going to. So you get a point and a shot and a great night to come to show up.

It's a Thursday night. It's a Thursday night. I'll be there. I'll be there. We're going to be such a con to get the shot and be like, all right, good look.

And then he's going to the bathroom. Yeah, yeah. So anyone to mention this, Brian, I thought that would have be good marketing team. Mentioned Brian and Jay's

a podcast. Like, what I love about you, Paul, is like, you really have it in your head that this is a successful podcast it certainly isn't

by any strength I was going to say when I hop on the Patreon later on that's going to be like 20% of less people listening to the Patreon it's like five people

and probably one less now because well you can listen to it back if you want but I highly recommend the Patreon because that's the one if you release two episodes that's the one I listen

to first every time oh thank you because I know you're you know you get away with you get a little wild on that one I've got some stuff to go to say on Patreon

yeah But we'll talk about that. Anyway, let's end it there. I'm going to get me kick cash. All right. Paul, it was great having you. Thanks for doing this. Thanks, guys.

Thanks a minute. All right, man, good look.