Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 22 : Kevin Larney has a Sex Van

Episode Date: April 25, 2019

My pussy brings all the boys to the yard, Damn right, it's Kevin Larney. Damn right, it's Kevin Larney. I'd teach you, but my pussy ain't free.

Welcome to Brian and James Fuck Each Other on KBF FFFM 1073. I don't know if there's anything else that needs to be said. That was good introduction. That was nice. That was an introduction. That was our first ever guest introduction. That was a good introduction. By the wonderful Kevin Barney.

He's a radio voice and you came up with like a fake radio station as well. And it was like long on purpose so it sounds silly. When you go back and listen to it though it really just fudged a lot of letters together. 104.6. Pi FM. On the comedy historians listen back. But that's why they listen to hear behind the scenes stuff like this

When those comedy nerds With their ham radios Are trying to tune into one of four point pie FM When the world is fucked And the only radio station They get the only sounds they get From the dying artist bus Yeah

I'm doing my offensive voices Do you ever worry about Do you ever think you've an onus When you're putting out something like this What if this is somehow The only thing that survives And in 100 years people are listening to this In 21st century class

And people are taking notes I do think about that It may sound a little bit Granby Oaks, but when I'm doing my stand-up, I do think, like, will this reference stand the test of time, you know? Yeah, will this reference to 30-odd parents be funny in the year of 30, 48?

Well, I'm sure people in 2010 were like, oh, all my Madeline McCann and Michael Jackson material, I'll have to scrap that. Yeah, but wait until it comes back again, baby. It's cyclical, like, all that stuff will come back again. Madeline, Madeline's not coming back. So, but. man it's so plain out that show

yeah yeah fucking five years ago people were making Madeline McCann jokes like man that's old but I was walking to the shops of the day and I was walking home like this I don't know 15 year old come up to him and I was like man do you know where Madeline McCann is and it's just it's beautiful it's come back around again no I show it's like

if the little like he was sick he was Madeline McCann but maybe he was oh my god yeah I almost hope another kid goes missing just we have just something else to bloody talk about you know what I make Lindberg baby jokes like a hipster That's the ones I like

Yeah Do you listen to much About Lindberg baby I know all I know About American culture From the Simpsons Yes Grandpa Simpson once claimed

To be the Lindberg Baby Yeah That's all there It was a famous It was a famous case Of the Limburg And then

Their baby went missing Yeah Famous family Kid goes missing Why were they famous though He was a pilot Oh Famous pilot

They were very wealthy Were they Tell you Oh the war I'll tell you what I'll give you I have a book About Lindberg baby

That I got for Christmas When I was 12 okay by you're clearly unhappy parents here Brian just take this here here's some advice

for you we never had the balls to go through with it and what they say was the theory is that it was a robbery gone wrong

where they were trying to take the baby out the window and then they dropped it and they killed it and they're like oh fuck well let's just take

anyway it's like an episode of only fools and horses oh brothers here we go with the limber bike

oh bloody out batter fingers and then the applause you've got some money in your then he leaned on a table and falls over the greatest piece of comedy history ever

Dow boy trial the baby down Bodney you're a laddie moron I would love that if the trotters it went on like it got a bit darker and it had to like

you know it was like you know eventually Del's selling like dodgy radios was enough yet to start crap I tell you there was a fucking episode but basically

Rodney got accused of rape I remember that and Del boy knows that the woman who accused them as a nut job so he's laughing to himself while Rodney is like hiding out in the basement

Del Boy dude she should accuse me a rape oh I'm going away and Del Boy's like Oh no Rodney You're in a lot of trouble My son

And then turns out The Del Boy knows the whole time He's like Oh they look in your face mate You thought you write that bird You duff cunt And Q's the credits

Think of it is dad boy It wasn't even her are done put a pony you're fucking in it you know I'm like um young Delpo come on not son

yeah it was a very much a product that was time when rape was considered hilarious there's a few bits from actually

only fous and horses there's another bit where like I think Del says something like you know Ching Chong Japanese

Chinese I don't give a fuck that's not exact quote and there's another hilarious joke where like him and Rodney

you're out in the town okay trying to pull some birds and I see some hot girls and then Del taps their shoulder and turn around his two transsexuals and then And he hits them

Sorry, wow And everyone applauds Yeah yeah It's about time Yeah no literally It's basically that they run away It's the kind of stuff Your grandparents found funny

For a reason But not even I mean like that's the tenant Of Ace Ventura The first one Then she's a transaction Yeah Yeah

Those guards The police vomit when they find out Oh yeah Well I think See everybody talks about that And I was saying, oh, he's so transphobic. But if you look at Jim Carrey's, the character's reaction, he, like, gets it in the bathtub and he's naked and crying, and he burns his clothes.

Like, the whole thing is a big, ridiculous overreaction. I think the joke is that he's, the character is transphobic. I don't think that was Jim Carrey or the writer's views on transgender people. That was them trying to sneak their Hollywood agenda. You know, that famous anti-trans Hollywood agenda? it was a different time like me and Jim James

I forgot your name me and old Jim Bobber oh my way cruising down the park no me and James watching me myself and Irene you ever seen that movie

it's a Jim Carrey movie it's he's well in the movie he's got multiple personality disorder and it's hilarious you're talking about the mask no no it's a different one it's probably a rip off of the mask

like hey he's like a nerdy guy but then he becomes this tough guy yeah okay and when he becomes a tough guy he's a bit where he's walking

by you see a girl breastfeeding with a baby this is how much a tough guy he is he takes the baby away when a girl's not noticing

because the other way like when a girl's breastfeeding she'll like can't be looking away sure and won't be paying attention for

long periods time so he takes the baby's head away and then starts sucking on her drinking our milk and the girl's still like looking around

and she looks down like ooh and then he looks up and he looks up and he looks up and is there like a slap cut and then he's got

like a lead handprint No, no, no, he's got a milk mustache. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then the next scene, the next scene he's doing something else funny. Do you think, I've ever watched Jim Carrey's recent interviews where he just talks about how there's no notion of self? Do you think this is just out of like him trying to distance himself from all the terrible things he's done? Possibly, yeah.

Maybe. I mean, no one can be held accountable for their past, maybe if you give your ex-climidia and she dies, that's the secret to enlightenment. I think so. I think that is a bad thingment of higher conscience. That's the path they don't tell you about Forced an Irish girl to commit suicide Oh, she was Irish, yeah And therefore it means more

Oh, no, definitely, yeah, yeah He came to Ireland for the funeral Oh, Jim Kerry was at an Irish Funeral? How hilarious is that? Man, if wasn't for the death part, that funeral would be hilarious. I know, right? Yeah, like, imagine him, like, he'd probably do,

like, no, it's all old Irish guys, like, ah, do the fucking... Go on, do, do, do the airs ventura there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to know the vet himself, Jaze, that's an absolute fucking spederal. That's, like that, dude, that's it, we're proud, stop one now.

Man, your hands now, go on your side. And, Jesus, when your one turned out to be a fella with the Mickey, Jesus Christ. Sure, I'm sure, the stomach near corned in my belly. I'll tell you out now. You know, ours you've own had that. Ah, yeah. A horror case of their friends next round.

So, would you do heifers now, mostly? When they have matured or would it be, you know. I don't know. There's a cow. So I really shouldn't be committed to this bit of modern speaking. Ah, beautiful. How many types of cow do you know, James? You're a modern.

I have. There's a cow. Lady cow. Oh, wait, they're all lady cow. There's there the cow, bull, heifer, phleason. Freezing. A charity. Jersey.

Jersey. Yeah. New York. Say. um yeah i went to ag science and i don't remember any of those cows brian's a farmer too actually oh that's true we don't have cows like michael rice is cows and i've been to his farm sometimes without his permission

i just show up sometimes and his mother's like oh no it's him he's back they do like a lockdown kind of thing where they have to like hide on a couch sure i'm like knocking they're like oh he'll go away like someone locked the back door the back door and like come in to sit down watching Netflix recommended for oh me ruin in the recommendation

What do you worry about that but we're ruining your Netflix recommendations? Or do you just go in and just like, fuck, I'll listen to whatever I want when I want. No, it's like, it's like condoms. Yeah, you don't wear them. Don't wear them. Don't wear them. Don't wear them. Don't wear. I'll go into, like, go into some strange pussy. Yeah, I'll go into some strange document. Like, I'll watch a flatter documentary. And I'll know that I'm going to get a lot of recommendations for other flat art documentaries. Yeah. I don't care. Too cool.

Consequences are for fucking news. I don't care, plus it's Michael Rice account. Yeah, that's fair enough that. I can't watch Netflix anymore. because the guy I was stealing it off, stopped in. What a bomb. What a scumbike going on that. And I'm just left, what, with Pirate Bay?

Like, it's 2006. But do you notice that, well, we were all distracted with Netflix, they really fucking, like, Pirate Bay is fucked now. It's not as good as it used to be. No, definitely not. They're really cracking down everything like. They cracked, well, they distracted us with, like, the shiny keys of Netflix, and Hulu and all this stuff, and they had it's gone to shit.

They took away our Pirate Bay. Well, because the companies now are more wise to it, and they know how to shut it down better. And Europe is really cracking down. They're really bad in porn for children. That's crazy, man. What are the children going to watch? I say fuck Theresa May.

I'm still going to hand out porn to children. Well, no, that's why Theresa May is leaving the EU ostensily so that she can keep sending out child porn. That's what they are. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, let's clarify. It's porn for children, okay? We're not sick, oh, sick. Yeah, what did you, what else could that possibly mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pizza, what? What was, what was that? Pizza game. Essentially. They said if someone ordered a certain type of pizza from the White House. And like a hot dog was like a code for like a kid. And then pizza was a young kid.

No, because it's cheese pizza, child porn. But those aren't like burnt pizza meant a child of color, apparently. Okay. But how many people go into a pizza place and order a cheese pizza? And then wink three times. Oh, okay, okay. While their cock has been hanging out the whole time. And then a guy came into that pizza store and shot for a shoe up the place.

Oh, it was. A specific pizza stuff? Yeah. And apparently, like, the theory was that like Hillary Clinton and Obama, they all went to this pizza place to have a slice and a child abuse. Sure, yeah. Hillary was being that burnt pizza, you know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean. I wouldn't put it past her or Theresa May. They're all eating pizza. They burnt down Notre Dame. Yeah. Do you think that I should donate 10 euro to Notre Dame? No. Or burn it myself. God, they got so much money. They did, yeah. It became a real, like,

I didn't know some people cared about it Yeah, well I saw a lot of people There were like, I'm actually in tears Yeah, this is so emotional Like, you know, and like That's not gonna help That's very insensitive, we'll light a candle If I ever get burnt alive, don't like candles

In my name But, um Yeah, people were like proper like, it's the most emotional It was like their 9-11 Yeah, it's not, it's really not like No one died It's not even close It's an old building went on fire

You see, um, uh, so I mean that's trivializing a bit No, it was a very old building Yeah, it was 800, look obviously like Obviously it means something It's 850 years old I know some people are going like, oh yeah, you care about building

but what about the little the little girl who lost her legs in Syria this week? What about her? And it's like, well, obviously the building is more important. Obviously, yeah. I mean, how many legs did she lose?

Two, both of them. Yeah, yeah. Disney aren't going to be making a film about that any time soon, whereas the hunchback, you know? Yeah, that's a classic. Yeah, that's a classic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was that the film where that... That freak burnt down the castle. Well, that freak made a very attractive gypsy woman. But, and the moral of that story is, even if you're a freak you're not going to get that pussy because she went and banged

the big brave handsome soldier Oh did he? Oh yeah that's how it ended Yeah the hunchback doesn't get the girl Oh what you see it? No I swear to God So the moral lad story is Fucking dream on you freak

I'm not getting that Hunchback buys a gun But that's exactly how the film should end I mean that's maybe the only Disney film that didn't fill our generation full of hopes and dreams Of course the hunchback doesn't get The Hot Gypsy woman

She goes off with the strapping soldier man That's how life is And then someone burns down the hunchback's house That's reality The community teams up to burn him down A bit like Freddy Krueber Because he's a monster And he makes the children feel weird

Yeah He's a monster because he's different But also he lives in a church I can't get over the fact that he doesn't get With the guy The girl in the end Or the guy Yeah

Yeah but maybe There's probably a hunchback too is there And he probably gets it on Yeah direct to DVD though So it just got worse from there Do you know what I mean? Direct to VHS the good stuff

when they do the live action hunchback notch then which is probably will now because it's a bit of publicity what do you think they'll do like they'll have

a guy's CG or will that be like will they cast an actual logo yeah that's a good question I don't know do you think I could audition for that role oh 100%

do you think it's as similar to black face if I do like pillow back well for the question of pillow back yeah is that that's not

that's not okay is it well that's why you're on the show for hilarious opinions like that Have you ever been to Notre Dame? No, I don't want to.

So I hear it's all burnt up. But, like, in a way, for so many people, it doesn't really matter if it doesn't exist. I don't know. Well, it's the biggest tourist attraction in Ireland. In Ireland. What country is it? France. I think it's like, nearly as popular as Disneyland or more popular.

No, I think I was there when I was a kid. Selma Hayek's husband is a billionaire. I think he owns Gucci, or he's one of the main investors. And he pledged, like, some ridiculous amount, like, $99 million. Jesus, to Why didn't you round it up? To refurbish it? Yeah.

Well, I just, I don't know. That's how he gets to be so popular. He doesn't, like, round up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I thought it really romantic if he had it rebuilt, but in the shape of Selma Hayek's vagina. That would be a right. As, like, a sign of, like, I love your pussy so much.

Here's your twat. Like, here's, like, the cathedral is now your twop because, like, that's where God live. Wait, was that, is he implying his penis is God. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's his head of Gucci.

I mean, that's how you get to the head of Gucci. Yeah, yeah. What is the number one tourist attraction in Ireland? Despire. Oh, God. Is the Spire? No, sorry, wait, despair. What is it?

Spar. If the spire burnt down, I don't think many people would try in. So what do you reckon is the biggest tourist attraction? The Guinness Storehouse? Probably close enough. It's a big one, yeah. A lot of people go around. Oh, the Cliffs and Moor.

You want a story about Cliffs and Moor? No. What happened is, okay, Clips and Moore, there was this Irish giant, okay, and like a tall guy, okay? And he'd see a Scottish giant over in Scotland. Okay, and he'd be like, ah, go over here, you fucking country. I'm gonna stop it. You're talking about the Giants Causeway.

No, I'm not. Oh, no, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you are. Well, what's the, what's the John... Well, it's, tell me a story of the Clips Morden. There's no stories. It's a clip. Oh, well, you tell...

I'd say, you know, you know what I think is the biggest tourist attraction in the country is. The Giants Causeway and... Oh, I know what the Giants Causat. Do you have a story of that? No. Okay, right. Well, where was I? You're reading that out.

Two, two, John's... We're going to have it, we're going to fix it in post, okay? Fixed it in post. A bit like Lucas fixed the original Star Wars, okay. So it's kind of me, like, real obvious, like, hey, have you heard about the giant causeway? So, yeah, anyway, this Irish giant was talking shit to the Scottish giant. Like, hey, come over here. And eventually the Scottish giant was like, okay, I will.

So he started throwing rocks over, like, to reach it. And then the Irish giant was like, oh, shit, I wasn't expecting this. So what I did was he dressed up like a baby, like a big baby giant. So when the Scottish joint came over, he was like, Jesus, if that's the size of the baby, imagine how big as daddy is. So then he ran away and, like, he threw the stones that were closer Scotland,

the way, so the only of the stones that were left were the Irish ones. Yeah. And that's how, that's the giant's cause of it. Which doesn't really make sense, because if you dress up like a baby, yeah, that's not going to stop the fight.

Why did they have all this massive baby clothes just hanging around, ready to go? Yeah. What was the, I don't want to get into the sex life with Finn McCool. Finn McCool. Now you do a podcast about Irish mixed, no, just about Irish.

history. Really? Yeah. Jason told me to Irish Mids. No, I think the working title at one time was myth and form.

That's why I told it. Yeah, which is what, but it was never about Mids and I thought it was, that's why we didn't use it. What kind of Irish history? Are you an Irish history person?

Do you know about Irish history? No, it's more because I listen to a lot of, I watch a lot of, I watch a lot of, like American TV and listen to a lot of American podcasts. You're better off, like, but there's no.

But I know, but there's no. But I'm, like, I hate all that. I hate that I'm just being bombarded with, like, American history. No, it's grand, but there's no... Eventually you want a bit of your own density, you know? But you want some of the weird Irish history stuff. Like, it was just talking there before this event. In the fucking...

In 1901, this group called the British Israelites came over, and they deduced from the Bible that the Ark of the Covenant was hidden at the Hill of Tara. And they took it over for two years and dug it up. And then, like, Ma had gone and all these other socialites come and, like, try and fight them off. and she lit a big bonfire

it's this mad story where they just fucking and then they found the Ark of the Covenant and that's how the one World War I most of that is true but it's just you know all these weird stories just make a bit more exciting you got that's the hook you know it's sexier that's the clickbait title of like

British soldiers find Ark of the Covenant question mark subtext no no we have to listen to the first 40 minutes to find it out yeah exactly yeah what's the name of your podcast then um we'll have to edit something in here afterwards i don't know how many how many you record you're doing like a netflix thing we're gonna record them all in advance or me and james like the whole d o way aspect

just like fuck it we let the go let the fucking uh guest introduce it we don't care we recorded ten of them and now our friend dan is like playing music underneath all of them it's um oh that's cool but you're really putting effort into this no well because jason's been gone for like two months and i was like ah but the time you get back sure we'll be fucking superstars man we'll have ten of them out and everyone will be clamouring for more none of them have been finished so someday isn't the way

like I think you kind of have to do it like us just don't care about the quality just be willing to produce a total piece of shit

well it is really about content more than it is you know but people just have a gaping hole underlines

just want to fill it with like podcasts just don't have to think about themselves exactly you just want sort of three to four nice sounding voices

yamering about something or a three and a half so you don't have think in the morning the big thing about all this is a nice sound voice that's really doing yeah that's true you've got very nice sounding voice really now when you launch your podcast i'll make sure tell everyone about it thank you thank you

very hello lady else how you familiar with insert podcast here irish history's cool kevin yeah how long have you been doing comedy actually i don't know i realized the other day that i tell different answers every time someone else well choose your favorite answer and tell me i like to i've been doing it in earnest for about two years okay because i i remember I remember I did a gig when Trump was elected like that night. Yeah, that's what's that like three and a half years? I thought gestures. No, I was in Vancouver. I was doing a gig

in Canada. What was that like? It was like as he was elected. Oh wow. So world needs laughter. Yeah. It was in this bar. I did because I think Brexit had just happened. Yeah. And we were having a great time here at laughing at that. And so I assumed in Canada that they would feel the same way about America electing Donald Trump. So I thought everyone would be like having a good time. And then as far as I remember, people weeping at those TVs all over the basis and they were showing the results coming in and they turned off most of the TVs but the one over the bars were going and people were like

properly upset and then it was like, and they'll tell them for the comedy silence of some dickhead from Ireland and I had to go up and I was staying with my cousin and her friend came over to me afterwards and was like this is our 9-11 man I said fucking you're 24 like 9-11 was your 9-11 this is someone was allowed to I don't know I mean maybe now I kind of appreciate it more It was weird times for people back then, though. So was your first ever gig, but? No, not even close. Oh, it was the first gig like?

The first gig ever done was in Jester's. Back on Jester's was in. O'Donoghuis? Oh, Donahus. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. So that was like four years. I remember seeing you back then.

Oh, yeah. That was good by then. It was hot. Yeah. It was full of spunk, you know. It was back, yeah. A bit like the George. Yeah, exactly.

Hot and full of smoke. Yeah. I'd love to see a recording. I said that as if it doesn't exist. There probably is a recording of it. my jokes about then but um the first gig was grand i someone came up to me when we were drinking in sweenies and uh do you remember carrot lions he used to run yeah yeah in the black he's an animator he's an animator yeah and he said and we have mutual friends and he was like oh you're a comic

and i said yes and lied and he said you want to do a gig i was like yeah i do gigs all the time so then yeah i was supposed to do a gig with him in about two months time so i signed up to gestures to get a gig in first okay and yeah it was grand the rest is is comic history yes The rest is just a non-stop trill ride then. Well, I personally, I will go on record and say, I would consider you to be a very underrated comedian, I see. Yeah. Like, no, people know that you're good,

but nobody, like, I don't think you're getting the full appreciation you deserve because I rate, some of your stuff is very, not to, like, you know, butter your bread too much. I think I'm perfectly rated. Okay. I think I'm right where. Well, you know what? It's almost like it's good to be underestimated sometimes.

Yeah. But that's when you sneak in and kill it. I feel like I've had a good. good run the last couple of months. I'm definitely at that stage where people are like, no one's booking me for stuff, but when I show up people, like, that was, it's usually surprisingly good.

Yeah, yeah. Like, jeez, that was, Jesus, that was, you really thought you were an idiot. Holy, what wasn't, uh, you're not a complete retard. In the last couple of months, I've had people, like friends of mine have come along to see it and being like, jeez,

I was really nervous when you're going out first because they're like, dude, this goes suck. And it wasn't that bad. It's bad though when you bring your friends with too much and it's like, they've seen you do great. Yeah. I think, like, oh, it's not liked all the time. What?

Yeah. Wait, do you realize, though, that you said the same jokes the last time I saw you? Yeah. I'm sure if you're aware of that. Yes, I am aware. Thank you. I'm sure you've gotten into this on the podcast before. But have you ever realized that no one cares about comedy?

Oh, yeah. Literally, we're talking about that in the last. Yeah. We're talking about it. I don't know why it took me so long choice. Yeah. I don't know why it took me so long to figure out. Because you're kind of doing the lower gigs

and you're kind of working your way up and you're like, ah, when I get to the big gigs, that's when people care about comedy. No, it's usually someone who's wandered in after work and, like, oh, there's free ice cream in a pint, what's this? Yeah, that's this is half decent.

No one cares about your credits, like, in terms of like, if I tell people like, oh, it's just, I made a big mistake. I started a new college course last year. And like an idiotic was telling people like, oh, yeah, I do it be comedy, yeah, yeah. Edinburgh, Edinburgh Fringe Festival? Yeah.

I've done the crunch and the Rohing Dove before. Back when it was such an acceptable way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it when it was good. Yeah, yeah. But hey, just before. Does it make you a bad person to say yes to the roaching? When's your date in the rushing coming up, James?

May 28th, I'm looking forward to it. I don't, let me do it. Apparently, I'm, uh, what was the word? I'm, uh, not something enough for, I haven't done enough something. The other test there, I don't. Okay. Well, I do not close.

that out. They need to know. People need these vague references. But like, so I told people in my college, the gigs and stuff like that, no one cares. Yeah. And then there's DJs. Just people know who DJing. They could literally walk into a room and take a fuck a girl.

And girls be like, oh, my God, he's so cool. And if I walk in and like sneeze, they're like, what the fuck is this freak doing? He does stand up. Get out here. Yeah, but that's because DJs are usually, by and large, cooler in general. But they do less. They've never had to write a bit. Yeah.

Yeah, but they have to write the, like, scratches and stuff. They have that, they have that in, like, little note, and everything. Yeah, getting on their hand, scratch, scratch, scratch. But, um, what would, if you wanted to stand up, what would you want to do? What would I want to do? I don't think I am a stand-up. I think I'm an open mic. Part from open-miking, yeah.

What would you like to do? Like, your little dream, like, everyone would be in a band or? I wanted to be in a band. I have never figured out if this was, like, smart or just, like, given up at an early age. I'm from Dundalk, big music town. Yeah. Everyone knows. Really is.

Yeah. Like, everyone does it. as a teenager was in the band and everyone played the guitar and sang so I decided to play the bass and so I'd never be like but so like you'd never be the head of the band but you'd always be in demand you'd be needed yeah yeah but it'd be needed but you'd never be like you know no one to care but isn't the bass player the guy the girl gets with when like all their friends got with the drummer and the lead singer it's exactly yeah just is emily a bass player as well yeah yeah but I wonder is that like a common well I know like all trivia apart from me like you were you're

James of the band, you were... I was a drummer. But that's sort of another, I suppose anything other than like singer and guitarist is sort of like... Yeah, the other, yeah. Like, what's that joke? What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians,

the drummer? He does kind of jokes that musicians laugh about. Yes. And drummers, like, just pretend. I'm like, oh, is that funny? Yeah. Drummer's like, hey, I'm in on the joke too. He's like, no, you are the punchman.

Like, I met Marine once and he was going, like, hey, the Air Force, we called him the Chair Force. and I was just like Okay man That is great though I met some Marines last week And I brought them along to a pub You know

Do you ever find that when you just want to be like Turn up the Irishness Yeah They're over from America and you're like Begosh and Begara Here, let's come here Don't go to that pub Come here for me

We'll go get that fucking Tom Cruise and far in the world Yeah Bigger Oh be gosh We've got the thickest of creamy in his ear It's as raw as a pint of turf From your old grandmother

Come on And then I brought them in and bought them a pint And as soon as they did that They started talking about Like their time in Afghanistan And how many confirmed kills they had Oh really Jesus Christ

I think I started trying to draw comparisons Between like 9-11 And like the London bombings And Manchester bombings where they're at Yeah I went paintball And once these guys who weren't Marines But they're in their imaginations They were like

And a lot of racial slurs got dropped By you You white honky mother-fries Look these gringoes What's the Have you ever had a racial slur thrown at you? What are the racial slurge for white men? No

Irish is Mick Yeah Mick Patty Nick and Patty are all just our name Yeah I know yes That's not really It's funny like literally

If American person don't Like lucky you you fucking Mick Yeah No no my name is Seamus Yeah My brother's Mick Yeah Do you want

Do you want Was it him you were looking for Well you wouldn't do that with black guy You called the N word He would be like No my name's Darrell My brother's called but that's yeah

Tyg is another one from like up the north Teague To call you a taig What is it Yeah A Thai yeah What's another name

What's the Protestant one Prod? Oh yeah We're not very inventing I think there's another one though Hun Oh yeah Yeah yeah

Hone tan is for British people Wow yeah Yeah all those kind of old tiny things A bit like you know Like sopranos They say like Yeah look at this fucking Gugumbo

Over here Cucumbo Yeah I don't say Yeah yeah yeah It's like just Ghibishish my YouTube algorithms got stuck on Sopranos again

Oh it's so good It's so good but also I don't want to watch Because I can't help myself I just have watching 20 clips in a row But you can't get over the fact that like You're watching Sopranos and you're just a weak little man You know like no I think like you know

Like they're doing things on this like This is like a weird kind of fantasy of like you know Popping people and you're like fetishising their like masculinity Yeah yeah And that's what the whole show was about now Oh, that's why in the end. No, not on my mind. Yeah.

It was by some cool guys and their bitch wives. Boll is killed. I fast forward to all the therapy parts and I get back to the bits for Silvio. Therapy. Gay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's about a, it's about a dumb-ass mafia boss who goes to therapy, like a loser and how it ruins his life.

I think David Chase should release the version, which is like, no talking, none of the wives, none of the adjudice. you know i love how when he tells them like he's going therapy they treat it like he just come out as a gay they do go like sorry to hear that but then when vito comes out as a gay they treat that as if he's like he's a terrorist like children yeah yeah yeah they're one step away from like vomiting like yeah yeah actually speaking of watching things i watch you watch uh paddleton

yeah no he's been raving about i've been watching i've been talking with nonstop i saw last night it's ray romano and mark duplas play two friends and duplas gets, it's a Netflix film and Duplas gets diagnosed with cancer, he's got six months to live so him and Romano go on a little road trip to get suicide drugs and it's great it's so good like yeah there's some genuinely really funny moments in it

it's just about two guys kind of like mumblecore kind of like, you know what you're going there to buy these drugs Ray Romano's a little bit on the spectrum so he doesn't handle it very well that his friend's going to kill himself so like he like one stage tries to steal the drugs away from him Yeah. Yeah. Does he still speak in his Ray Romano voice?

Oh, you want to kill yourself? I don't know. That's so great. Oh, five. Yeah. We'll work on that. We'll work on a rearmanus. I'm sorry.

I picked a scab on my elbow at some point during this conversation. Sure. This is what I mean the video element to the show. Yeah. This is like the nerdiest self-harm ever. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

It's nowhere near you. They don't know why I did that. I'm sorry. Some men just want to watch the world burned. Their own elbows. Just don't bleed on my carpet. Well, that's a little. I'm worried about it. Probably will be.

No, it's fine. Please do. Please do. Yes. I'll add it to the collection. Or are you into as a kid? I don't know what I was into as a kid. It was me and my brother lived in the middle of nowhere. Where? Outside of Dundalk.

At a place called Darver. It was a field. No one's ever heard of it. Oh, there's a castle there. Darver Castle, yeah. It's big for weddings. Yeah, as weddings. These are all the people from the north go for destination weddings because it's ten

months over the border. And was it a pleasant childhood? It was a grandchildhood. Oh, I grew up in Arma for a while first, so I had a weird accent. Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't that called a murder mile for a while?

Probably. I think it was back in the troubles it was called like murder mile. Well that's sexy. My parents moved out of there because I was like a three-year-old walking around

not batting an island at the fact that there was like guns and tanks in the streets which is a bit strange for a child. It is. Yeah. So we moved to wait even when you were growing up

there was like trouble going on, was there? Yeah, I was born in 1991. Oh wow. So the ceasefire was in 194. You're going to see the full thing

and see it end and come back? I grew back again. yeah yeah yeah oh it's just nostalgia here ah guns in the streets yeah can't get to Nuri would I'd be interested to the border but yeah I love all those sort of border hijinks I'm looking forward to getting back to it now oh yes

it's the best part of like reeling in the years is all that footage from the trouble yeah it was and punk music was great and comedy was edgy you know not like now do you worry about like when it all kicks off like how will affect the comedy scene that's my biggest worry everyone will have a bit about it yeah yeah but you ever think like you've actually been proper dangerous for like you know

if you get up on that stage there's a chance he might not come down oh yeah yeah yeah i'm doing a gig in dairy soon enough are you yeah yeah you gotta be careful like oh are you're gonna be like lany bruce and just say what you want no i'm gonna because uh i'm just go up and like you know it's a disgrace here in britain use of uh gay marriage and no abortion and us in the south we don't have that yeah and just see what happens then yeah yeah dad doing why he was a hero you're a prophet I just do my you know

Brits walk like this And us free folk I walk a little like this I just see how far I can do that Push the envelope Apparently Fuck I can't remember

I haven't got enough information To No no you don't need information Just I'm gonna say it was Kevin Bridges Or maybe it was Tommy Tiernan Or some comic came over And was doing a gig in dairy

And it's going well And they made some reference To tears and fears And the whole audience It went weird And then they were told during the break that like tears and fears

were anti-Cathic it was something as stupid as that some really esoteric like no one who knows what tears for fears political allegiance are

and it was a throw away a joke about them but everyone in Derry knows what side everyone is about everything and Jesus I know

yeah in some parts of like Derry Belfast you know some parts of the north it's still fucking like the shit never went away

like you know it's fucked up sorry Brian interrupted oh no I'm saying like I know some people like they're like yourself where they grew up born at time but you seem to like have come out of not completely scarred.

Because I moved away. I ran away. But I know some people like, they're good, but if you say their wrong thing, you're going to, like, you're going to threaten you with a fork. I just kind of, yeah, it's Grant. I mean, it's easy to find these things funny and interesting because you didn't have to live through them. You know, no one I knew got blowing up, right?

That sort of crack. All I have is stories that my dad used to commute up and down across the border. Yeah. and there's, like, actual roadblocks that go through every day, twice a day. And he stopped, and they went and searched his boot, and he had a grenade and a balatlava. But the grenade was, like, a smoke dispenser thing

for the mushroom farm, and the Balatlava was a Balatlava's mother had knitted him because it was cold. Oh, sure. But it was just the most adorable. But, like, they didn't know that, so it's straight away, like, gun in the face, you're out, and they tape the whole thing apart.

I don't blame him, to, John, that's not the dodgy's lie ever, like. Yeah, exactly, like, he literally wore, like, I love the IRA T-shirt. Like, no, I mean, mother of knitted it. It's the sort of thing you'd see like fucking father tied Some sitcomish premise

It's not what it looks like That AK-47 is a birthday cake for my son He's got problems He's just obsessed with Columbine Oh my god And so like you I suppose yeah Your parents actually is experienced a little bit

Like you know Yeah They wore the underclass They were They were the tigs Then they turned their back On their brothers in arms And fled to the south

Cowards Cowards Not like us No We won't pick up our arms yeah what about um that young woman was shot she's not even young she's older we were talking about that there she seems like cool girl she was talking about she was big into like how our like her generation in terms of ours as well kind of like yeah uh was affected by troubles in terms of like the LGBT

issues and like she seemed to be very outspoken about the LGBT issues and i try to watch her ted talk was a little bit too sad yeah yeah but you're just going like she dead but yeah it is it's fucked up yeah oh you you send me a video about oh yeah man i can't believe it's a real thing i sent james a lot Oh, yeah, yeah. And the late, late show last night. Wasn't it last night or Friday night? Friday night, yeah, yeah. So this guy, I'll stick the link on the description of the podcast.

I can't believe it's like some Chris Morris to do. It's bizarre. So this guy, his daughter died in a car crash. Yeah. And to promote car safety, he's doing a thing called Naked Bike Day, where he gets all these young women who are just legal to ride around on bikes painted and funny colors. But naked. Yeah, yeah, definitely naked.

It has to be naked. Oh, yeah. It's just, but it's the tonal shift. Oh, yeah. It starts off, and I had to wake up her mother and tell her that her daughter was never coming home. So that's when I hooked up with these guys. And look at them, aren't they wacky? They got the painted tinnies.

It's crazy. It's just so weird. It's funny. When he's talking, they never cut to his wife's face. You can tell he's just so sick of this. Yeah. I like he's got the deal with his you send that to me

I woke up at about one in the morning and I watched that video and I went back to sleep and I woke up the next morning and thought it's so surreal it is yeah it's that pan where he's just like this really harrowing story of the man and his dead daughter and then just this parade of where do you think they're actually

naked on that show they couldn't have been or she wouldn't have that movie no they were so I paused it and I looked it for a long time sure I mean I'm sure that for legal There was a bit of tape or something. No, no, no, no, no, full nip. Okay.

I'll show you to you. All right. I'm right over to just stand there. Just full, like, you know. Doesn't know where to look. No. Well, you can tell, like, he definitely, like, he's not the most, you know, liberal guy in the world, you know, like that.

Yeah. So, uh, nudity probably scares him. Well, I'm not going to lie. If there was, if there was 40 18-year-old girls naked on bikes, and I was a television host in this climate, in television, yeah, yeah, yeah, I would be a little awkward as well. If you trip, if you, if you do anything bad, like, like, oh, oh, far side of the studio behind a middle sheet.

You accidentally knock them all over once and your hand touched the boob and next thing you know, you're neurotiin. But the late age show is, it's always been like that weird in terms of like, you know, other talk shows they'll have like, someone who knows what they're doing hosting it, like a comedian or an entertainer or some sort.

And then they'll have like funny guests on, like The Rock or, you know, Colin Farrell, like fun people, you know? Sure. But the late late age show, it's like, the first guest to be like a woman whose son died of cancer. then they'll have a man whose mother died of cancer okay then they'll have like some sea list model all right yeah then they'll have a woman who's dog died and then

search a rowan and it's just like this own completely uneven thing and i've always felt sorry for any kind of comedian who has to do it because and you hear all the time iish mean he's talking about it's literally like they had a woman who like kids died in stardust and then it's like and now uh tommy ternan and the audience still crying from the previous story yeah it's not a good show like. No, but I don't think anyone's ever. It's still got the viewership, as it? Well, it's an old, so that generation dies out. Yeah. Do you don't even like it?

All the old people I know are just like, I miss gay. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, Pat was even a bit too much for him. But Gay Byrne was the first man to say the word sex on Irish TV. Was he? I don't know that it's that literal, but I think he was the first person to talk about it. He was like, you know, he had

like scandalous things on. Yeah, he was the hard stern of his day. She got her tinnies in. Are they big gay? She got big nips. And absolutely massive, they have breasts.

Beautiful, wonderful, yes. I'm gay and them, not in nature. I will motor both those tities until the cows come home. Thank you. And good night. Under the three pair of tits for every memory of all. Under the six.

Oh, talking of tits. Do you watch Breast Men? Breast Men? Yeah. No, is that a new Super Hilary film? No, no, no, no. It's this movie came out in the 90s, the HBO movie, and it's David Swimmer and Chris Cooper.

Okay, and it's about the guys who invented fake tits. Yeah, it's actually surprisingly good. I watched it as like it. I think the problem is to call it Breast Men, which is like... Yeah. It's hard to Google, because I'm sure, like, you get a lot of porn results. Yeah, that makes sound like it's a comedy, when actually it's a fairly dark brown.

Like, they all get addicted to coke. David Swimmer dies at the end. Oh, spoilers, man. Oh, you know what? Someone else spoiled. for me so this is this okay it's about these two guys they invent fake tits all right yeah and then they become

rich and become addicted to the coke all right and then they fall out over it okay and then the tits start going wrong I think like they're like they're only new this whole fake tits like yeah yeah I mean the teteering issues the tits start malfunctioning and it's like you know spark to find out of and stuff like that

and then so back to the drawing board it's two nipples two down no I'm plain God we can approve the breast Oh, hiya! Four! So, okay, and then they break up, all right, the partnership, and Chris Cooper has a heart attack from all the coke,

and then David Schwimmer is driving, okay? Yeah. Drive along, he sees a pair of tits, he's like, oh, and then he gets hit by a car. That's hilarious. Yeah, and it's kind of like, like, Icarus, he flew too close to the sun. Yeah. He made Tits, and he saw Tits he died. It's kind of like, you know, what a life.

And it's a moral story. Tits will destroy us all. Good movie, though, I recommend him. How do you find, how do you land on the free nipple movement. I saw it live. What do you mean? Me and my friend that were in Edinburgh once and these three nipplers walk past.

And we weren't expecting it. And it's kind of like, when you know what? When it's up close, you're like, what's the big deal? Yeah. Like in the imagination sounds amazing. You know, but like, you know when you're in Spain or France or whatever on the nude, not like semi-nude beaches? Yeah.

And for the first 10 seconds, you're like, ah, ha, ha, ha, and then it's grand. Yeah. And then it's just normal. Because it's not. It's just, it's very similar to just watching a fat man at the beach. in a different culture we'd be like looking at you know like um guys will have like ring like uh what you call them love handles yeah a different culture like those are covered up when we see a man's love handles like oh my god scandalous yeah yeah yeah but really like tits are just dead skin are they are they're deadly skin oh yeah oh yeah yeah i mean they're deadly skin oh yeah yeah yeah i mean if anything haven't you seen me myself and ir didn't you watch breastmen you're a fraud

I couldn't use those tits to feed I thought you that yeah I suppose like but it's like they're not like they're not scandalous no no I know but nothing is only I support freedom nipple

but I can't help but think that a lot of these charities are just some creepy guy who's trickies with men well not charity but I feel like at all these things it's like some creepy guy

who's like you know what girls you get your tips out now that that'll show that will show creepy guys like me they're like yeah we will and they do it but if they won't do it oh yeah stick it to daddy

yeah yeah yeah no it's one of those it's one of those you just find the name for your podcast stick it to tag it's a history podcast welcome to stick it to daddy this week daddy delves into uh cause your first person

where you stand a free in there yeah but it's one of those things I'm for it but you can't really I don't feel strongly enough about it to put my balls in the line so to speak yeah exactly as you're saying, you can't really be vocal about it. It is, because it seems weird.

Yeah, but it's, like, how is it knocking stock room with that woman but kicked out? Oh, yeah. For having her tits out. If that's the weirdest thing you saw that weekend, then you're not doing your job. Like, yeah, there's so much worse to be looking at than, like, a girl's tit. And that thing, like, you know, people are shitting on each other and, like, you know, golden showers everywhere. Like, that's properly.

Snort and acids. Like, there's children around, sure, but, like, children love breasts. They don't know what's going on. Kick a pigeon to death. Like, there's all the, mad shit. Were you at that at that main stage? Kick a pigeon's day. Kick the pigeon. Here comes the pigeon boys. Pigeon boys.

I'm going to catch that pageant. They call me Dick Dastard me because I kill pigeons fast. They call me Daddy Dick Dastard. Here's my boy Muttley. Wait, are we doing this now? Because you know you're going to just apply it to knock and sock and the lads there are just the biggest crusty, beautiful folk. They'll just let you put on whatever. Do they have, like, a comedy stage at Nakasaka?

Yeah, last year... Last year was the first one that was put up. I thought when he used was on it. I was on it. No, I wasn't allowed. We did the other one that we did Arcadian Field. We did Arcadian Fields, yeah. That's a real...

How was that? Talk with that. I ate a good time because I'm just a... You know, I liked getting a ticket. And, like, I got, you know, you get a free... The free wrist band. Yeah, you get a free wristband, and you get, like, a sandwich token, and you're walking around, like, you're fucking... Arden O'Hanlon

Like, you know Yeah, I like that Ard O'Hanlonanlon's the guy you pitched He's no idea why I paid out You know, they're big big comedy matchabelle O'Hanlin, you know what? Yeah, yeah

I was trying to figure out who would actually be, who would be the biggest person Arcade is, well it's kind of good that like, that's still kind of new to us We're like, hey, we've got a free ticket Yeah But you know, like 20 years in we're all jade Like, the fuck

How much we get paid for the shit? Yeah, where's the Coke bowl? That'd be lovely. I was actually, it was actually, it was interest in that gig, I had like quite a severe panic attack before going on stage. Then as soon as I got up there, I was fine. Courage by comedy.

Yeah. Yeah, so that's what I tell everyone with anxiety. Go do stand-up comedy. No, no, you just go. There's someone literally have a panic attack like, hey, listen man, what you know he do is it? Go to a festival. Arcadian field, preferably. Only that. Get this man a microphone. He needs

a type five stat. His crowd work is weak. You're losing. Quick, Brexit! Brexit! It's not taking! He's been oversaturated. Have you done many festivals? No, well, Acadian feels fantastic. No, fuck, did I do it?

You didn't do it the year I did it. No, maybe, yeah, I was so fucked, I remember. No, I don't think he didn't. I mean, not the day I shut up. No, did you? You took a pill and went on stage, did you? Oh, yeah, man. And then reference you? I think, was your opening line, like, anyone else on pills? No, no, no, so I was on stage, okay, coming up in pills. I thought I'd be funny, like, not funny, but I thought, like, hey, who else is that

exi right now. I thought it big like woo but said it off I looked to me like no

I was like why would we do legal why would we be doing that yeah and I was like oh okay

anyway so any any couples in the audience and in your head you're just like fucking bob just like swinging for the raptors

another one not there the ecstasy oh man I that gig I recommend everyone do

stand up and XC a few times just like because I thought it'd be like I'd be all Russell

brand yeah But instead I'm just saying my rehearsed material It's really intense Like, do you know what I mean? Fucking great I'm from Carlo I've always thought this would be an interesting idea

I'm sure someone's done it I'm too lazy to look it up If you did like, you know A run of shows one after another But each night it was a different drug Same set I'm gonna do on the podcast Cocaine

What else could do that you Like it's both heroin you can't do No meth But like if you did a drunk one one where you're stoned cocaine, acid, ketamine. That'd be a fun, Edinburgh show. Ketna, I've never done Ketamine properly. I've done it a few times, like, well, it's always like,

it was a house party, and I'm drunk, and like a little time little bump. Yeah, but I never really got it, because you need to, there's like a thin line where it's, you know, does nothing, does nothing, nothing, doesn't. Great, you're in a fucking hole for that tonight. You get, you get the small little bit in between for it to be enjoyable. Yeah, it just doesn't seem. It's a very, yeah, it's a fine line.

Yeah. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not good with the whole measurements now. I prefer to take how much I feel like it's enough. Yeah, yeah. Handfuls. I think there's a few things that are certain in this world, but as soon as you think, ah, this pill isn't working and take a second one,

that's when you start coming up. That is a universal truth. Yeah. Soon as you think, I didn't take enough drugs and you take a tiny bit more and then everything. And then you're like, oh, this was a mistake. Oh, no. This night has been ruined.

I must lock myself in my room now, like, fucking, uh, I don't cry as once this last time maybe they'll respect me more if I cry I'd love to do more festivals but unfortunately because all together now

and electric rhythm are are guarded by the Rochene Dove and you can't you can't really do those well here's the thing I actually am doing a gig in the Rocheon

but they offered and I accepted because nobody else is offering me so what can I do? You're doing Carl Spains Carlin's right? Yeah, Carl Spains Oh, it is, but he's, the actual row show was shut down. Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah.

Well, like, you shouldn't, it's kind of like, you're working the bank, all right? Yeah, exactly, yeah, it's the same thing, like, yeah. It's pretty much the same thing. Yeah, oh, like, what, you're going to be such a pussy about it, like, oh, I can't, I can't work for someone who's evil. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we all got to go to our day jobs. Yeah, like, what, you think, you go and you buy shoes, okay? Yeah.

You know, the kids who knitted those shoes are rapists. And one of them was very racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so it's kind of, look, we're all tired with some kind of bad fetter. That is, that is true. Yeah. So it's kind of like, look, pick your battles as long as, like, you know yourself, you're not a bad man. That's fair enough.

Yeah, and that's, like, as soon as it's, it's easy to be virtuous if you're not getting any offers. Yeah. Yeah. If someone rang me up tomorrow, but I want to do the EV stage. It's a paid spot as well. He said, if you do out on this one, I'll bump you up to even more money and more time. It's like, it's a properly good opportunity. I cannot afford to turn it.

It's like, literally people go like, oh, I don't watch Simpsons because of Fox News. You know, it's like, shut up, all right? Yeah. If Fox's offer you a six-picture deal, you're going to say no?

Um, what, do I have to take the photographs myself? I'll send them six pictures, right? Ha ha ha, ha, you know what I mean. Zip. Yeah, zip, zab zoom. Whoa. Have you got, like, sand effects?

Turn this guy off, all right? I'll tell you. When does it end? Um. Well, we'll end it in, like, a little bit. Oh, no, it was sort of a bit. It's good when to guess. It's like, what does this end?

No, I was talking about me. Like, when the way, stop. Yeah, we'll end it. Telling the great joke. Do you want to end it on Johnny Depp? The whole Johnny Depp story, yeah. Yeah. So I've been following it because it's getting so nasty.

I, the last stuff I heard is that. I'm sorry, you go, yeah. Well, basically, they're both divorced and they're both counter pursuing each other. All the nasty stuff has come out about each other. So, like, you know, he's claiming that she's shit in his bed, and then she's saying that he beat her. Yeah. Yeah.

And then, like, it gets worse from there, like. Yeah. Then, like, it's like, he tried to get her banned her maco man. And then like, which is not as bad as him hitting her, but like it's like, and then like, you know, he was saying like, oh, she cut my thumb off. But Johnny Depp's like that's gone downhill completely. No, but I thought the whole thing was that she had always said that he beat her and everyone demonised them and blacklisted them. Yeah. And I transpired recently that in fact she was beating him up.

Oh, she battered her girlfriend as well. Yeah. She's like clearly an abusive volatile person. Like, look, they both are. But they both. I love a good story where there's. like there's no one to root for. Yeah.

When you're flip-flopping, but, ah, no, a twist. He was the good girl along. No, it's back. They're both, like, they're both pieces of shit. But those are my kind of favorite type of story that are the ones who are like,

no one's good. And so it's a lesson there, like, like, layer cake. It all comes back to layer cake. We're talking about layer cake in the previous episode. Do you like layer cake? Yeah, I don't dislike it. Young, um, it's grand.

Young Daniel Craig. He, was that a spoil. He dies at the end. It does, yeah. That's twice we've spoiled it now. Yeah, yeah. But that's sort of a twist that, like, you think of when you're in secondary school. Yeah.

What if the main character dies from a character you forgot about because fuck you. It's not really a story. It's just these days. But, I mean, I liked it. I know, it's a good movie. Like, it's very slick, well-made. It's fun, you know, lots of drugs and sex and violence. Hey, what more do you want?

You got big tinnies, you got some ecstasy pills. It's all good. Whoa. Colomini's in it? Yeah, he is great. He is very good. What does the future hold for kids? Kevin Beard.

What is the future? You got him on the plug? Yeah. What's your dreams now? What's my dreams? I'm actually, I'm moving, well, I'm... My friend texted me this morning about, he's living in Australia now, and we're going to buy a van. He's about to buy a van for us.

We're going to drive down the East Coast for... But East Coast of what? Australia. Oh, man, that'd be deadly. Yeah. I used to live in a van for a while. Oh, I loved to live in a van. It's great, yeah.

It's like being a hobo. It is like, it is... But you got a van. You with some sexy ladies. They're not as fond of it as you would think. No, it's got a bit of a manse and family vibe. It's a bit hard to get them back to the van, isn't it? Well, no, it's really easy.

It's getting them into the van. That's a difficult part. Just fucking good. You know, when you're like, when you're hitting an o with someone in a bar and you're like, John, I walk back to mine, and then you walk out the front door of the bar, and then there's yours. You know, it's not. That's usually the point where it's turn away.

There's a lot of a crate, baby. Yeah, that's right, baby. Unleaded. I got my own house and my own car. You used to live in a van. And they were in the same place. Yeah. Well, tell us people with that before we go.

I bought a van in Adelaide. Side unseen. I flew over and picked it up off this guy. I drove proper lives. I drove from Adelaide to Turkey. Wow. And then flew from Turkey to Iran. Why?

And then back. I wanted to drive my van to Iran because it's got a nice frame to it. Here in my van. I will drive to Iran What was Iran like? It's great You watch that movie of Separation? No

It's great It's about this couple They try and get divorced In Iran, obviously Yeah And it doesn't go well from like No Yeah, the dad's got Alzheimer's

And then eventually The care they have is pregnant But she like She makes a kind of mistake Or like the dad thinks If she took some money So he pushes her down the stairs It's a miscarriage

then it goes to court and he has to get the little daughter to lie and for stuff like that do you see that in Iran no I saw some stuff in Iran Iran is the number one country for rhinoplasti and beheadings what's rhinoplasti no surgeries oh and the way like so you it's this weird thing where like they follow the letter of the law obviously it's all nonsense and no one should like cover themselves for halah but the idea behind it is that you do it because cover yourself because it's at a front to the creator. So they did, you know, you're supposed to be modest, but they're done up to the

nines, like everyone looks beautiful, everyone gets nose surgery and cheek surgery. Oh, really? Whereas here, I assume if someone does nose surgery, you know, they disappear for a few days, then they come back and, like, you know, it's all undercoverers. But there, they walk around with the bandages on their face to show they can prove that they

have, it's almost like a time. It's like they're like, they're teasing away, like, hey, a couple days get the bandages off. This is a fucking beauty nose coming up here. So it's like a weird thing. All the girls in white horse, they're all was talking about the surgery they want done it's just become more and more normalized now yeah is it yeah they want to get i kind of made a mistake once for like um this girl was telling you about she wants to get no i wasn't really thinking i was like no that wouldn't be the first place to get done

like oh yeah yeah yeah she left yeah yeah uh what about your ears you but jesus so just like whip out a list yeah yeah i i mean me and the gang have made a big list everything was wrong with you where would you get um what would you get done jesus i think i get more Lips? Me? Yeah. Nothing. Nothing.

It won't change the unhappiness inside, Kevin. Every day it's a grim affair. Oh, no. No, I probably wouldn't get anything done. It'd be a bit pointless. Yeah, it would, yeah. Do you get your lips done, Brian? I would get him just done a little bit smaller, smallerised.

Just like, you know, I think they're a bit too big at a moment. People love big lips, though. Yeah. Me, yeah, for on a girl, like. You used to call me blowjob lips back in the day. Who did? The boys. When we were hanging out with the last

Here comes old blowjack Like, show Oh man, the boys are so cool Oh man, back on ice is secondary, okay? Because my name is Brian James O'Toole To come with blowjob lips And then they pulled this hilarious Frank on me, okay, we're like

They're sitting down to the canteen And I sit down with him Did stab my leg with a pencil So I leave Oh Legend Yeah, well, like Oh, good one, Brian

That limp away Yeah Hashtag bye bye BJ Boom We're like the jackass group I wish Snapchat I'd have been around then I'll tell you one last story about Iran

They love Bobby Sands over there Fucking love him Because It's a freedom fighter He's a freedom fighter Because the British used to run around And then there was a whole thing There was a revolution

And after the revolution Yeah, Argo is a very factually Incrats film But that's the same revolution So after that in order to like Get one up the Brits They changed the name of all the streets from like, you know, Sir Walter Raleigh Street

to various revolutionary leaders. So the British Embassy in the capital city, they changed the name to Bobby Sand Street. So they had to get their post to like whatever, number two, Bobby Sand Street. Until they bricked up the door and put the door on the other side. That's hilarious. And he's all worthwhile.

So I went and got my photo taken inside that sign. That was the main reason for traveling there. They've also got a Bobby Sands burger joint. Really? Yeah. It'll blow you away. It'll blow you away. Wait, wait.

They have a burger joint for... A hunger strike. Yeah, exactly. I don't think they understand, like... surely the main lesson then was like they don't serve food and that's like yeah I'd like to order one shitting on the walls well dressed in a blanket you can have your burger when political prisoners are given the identification rights they need with the laughter of our children there will be no food served here as long as

storm on dancers to a foreign crown oh man that's so cool he took a picture of bobby sand and you hop back in your van and drove away yeah drove it back but a couple of lady A couple sexy terrified ladies And it's great They wouldn't let me Into the Turkish border

In the van Really? I couldn't prove I own Were you dodgy looking Are you? I was dodgy looking In fairness But sure

Who isn't in Turkey Man I can't wait Till I'm old enough To do things like you What age were you When you were in Iran In 25? Oh cool

I've got I'm 24 So I've got I've got one year Get a fucking Would you be annoyed If I did the exact same thing You did

I went to Iran The van Then just act like I came up with it But I didn't come up with it Like you know people have probably done it before.

No. You know, me, McGellen. You're a bit like Columbus. You went to Iran, but you talked to the country. Yeah. Hey, look all these Brazilians.

Yeah. To be here by fucking Argentina, Jersey. Yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah. Maritana. I'm looking for Hitler. Where is it?

It's the gayest country of being in as well. Well, Iran. Homosexual is illegal, but because it's so, like, illegal. Yeah. They don't know what it looks like. That makes even sexier.

But people, men would be walking down the streets holding each other's hands. They'd be laying in each other's laps that's customary for men to kiss each other greeting. If, like, if you're openly gay, the one hand is terrifying because you could get executed at any moment. But in the other hand, no one knows what it looks like? They don't even think about it. Just kissing. They would probably, if a man was walking down the street holding his girlfriend's hand,

they'd be like, homosexuals. Burn them at the stake. Yeah. They just, it's amazing. It's grand to be gay in Iran. Well, it's probably just some of the secret underground, underground gay clubs. stay like. Probably, yeah. And I'm saying, like, that's probably what makes him, like, even more

cool. Yeah. Because the George's, like, path to stage in Ireland. Yeah. It's like, I walk in to go, yawn. Where's the threat of, like, you know, being ostracized by your community? Where's the, where's the, you know, the shame? I'm talking to, like, a 50-year-old gay man. Like, hey, man, you didn't know

what's like. Yeah, yeah. You didn't grow up in hard times. So, you drove a van. What, uh, I think I asked what the future was, you know, I want to get another van. I want to drive the coast to Australia and eventually I want to drive a van to Japan that's continuing the

yeah Iran Japan all in a band you are kind of like an autistic man like just like it rhymes I'm going to do it like a little bit yeah your parents are crying like please don't do this like no it rhymes I must do it my man was really against it and she was like

you're trying to to Japan the fucks it it rhymes like it rhymes man we got to do it and eventually she was like all right show me on this map like where you're going through and she gave me this map and I was like you drive as far as Italy and then you get to

Yugoslavia and then I realized the map was from 1991 and she was like no just go this is how I know the world you go to Yugoslavia

and then you get to USSR and then that's it that's the only country and then Japan is next I like the idea if you're gonna fly Japan like fly Japan

does that rhyme you fucking idiot I can fly to Dubai okay that I can't oh I'm gonna do that yeah yeah yeah

cycle to St. Michael I ran out of faces already I can't uh Jesus Jesus Christ man You came in last minute You filled in for John's plan He did much better than he ever could have hoped to do

You've been a fantastic guest Kevin We'd love to have in your own I really enjoyed it And I hope to call out John's plan In the future He's a fucking You know what he is Oh yeah

Oh yeah I'll tell you what that rhymes with All right Yeah It rhymes with a great McGillian All right guys That's the end of the show we're back next week, wait.

I think Michael Rice and Ben. Oh yeah, wherever his name is. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. Anyway, that's the end of the show, guys. Thank you.

Good night. All right, good night. Just one more thing before we go. Kevin actually forgot to plug something. He's got a new comedy club he's opening, so let's let him tell you all about it. So, as I was driving home, I realized that when Brian asked me

had like what was coming up for me in the future, he probably didn't mean. mean what were your holiday plans and I probably shouldn't have bothered mentioning Australia only I bought the van earlier and I was excited about it but we probably meant more in the lines of what future comedy things are you doing so myself and number one fan of the podcast Matthew Tallinn and James Morn is very funny a very handsome man and very bad at chess the three of us are starting a new comedy night called B-Sides comedy in Drop Dead twice off Thomas Street

and the first night is going to be the 6th of June and it's going to be great what hell else are you doing come along and go to that and be good fun and here's a sweet little promo

for all your listeners anyone who won the night if you come in and say I got fucked by Brian and James I'll be honest I'll probably say what because there's a good chance I'll forget about this

but if you remind me I'll give you an orange, or an apple, or whatever other bits of fruit I have lying around on the day. So, cool.