Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 23 : The Magic of Michael Rice

Episode Date: May 2, 2019

By far the worst episode we've ever done.

So you lose the podcast. Ah, come. Ah, it's Brian and James, a special guest, the wonderful Big Mike. Michael Rice. Michael, me. Yeah, yeah. Big Mike, one of the best comics in Ireland. The only reason you're not successful is because Ireland doesn't nurture talents anyway.

But I said to people before, like, you're like, you're not as successful. What does that mean? Well, I know, but, like, you should be, like, huge. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. You should be, like, you know. It should be our Kevin Hart, basically. Bob and Hope.

You are, yeah. Yeah. But, like, um. R.T. should have some kind of, like, show that nurtures talent, like some kind of daily show kind of thing, and you'd be a correspondent, it might be the host. Yeah. Or at least bringing here to the ground back. That is back to me.

Is it? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh, come on. So many unhappy childhood memories of my father making me watch ear to the grounds. I don't want to be a farmer. Shut up. Watch it. Yeah. I can still get that. But even if you're not into farming, there's great, like, there's great narrative.

How? I didn't know that. I was hoping to... I was hoping to be a follow-up question. Narrative's kind of saddens. Huh? Staying here to the ground. I'm making no money off this and jeezed the banks are taking the house.

And now I want to give my son the debt. Yeah. And then they're like, okay, I got to go into the shed. Why? Don't ask questions. Don't ask questions. And you'll never see me again. We're all farmers, so we all get to do it.

Yeah, yeah, I grew up at a farm. I did. Yes, yes. What kind of farm were you on? It was a dairy farm, pretty big one. We had about 70 cattle. Dairy farmers, you're dairy as well Yeah, we are dairy

And ours is, I suppose If yours is pretty big, ours is very big then We would have had We'd have a hundred cows Oh Jesus Taking the big Mickey's out now How many cows you got You pleb

Just more than you Or better than you Probably more money Hence I got better education And probably why I'm thriving Well you see a lot of that stuff in Hey didn't you see my golden microphone You did

That was from the I did see your golden microphone Ah, you might have cows. Is that for winning the thing? Yeah. I honestly taught you would bought your stuff. I'd call a microphone. And you just do the speeches.

Yeah. In the mirror. Because it's beside the movie. The movie. Thank you so much. I can't believe it. Or maybe do, like, look in the mirror and do like a Robin Williams.

The morning beat and a Bamaic thing where. I love it. You should bring that on stage. I do. They always tell me, no, you can't bring that. Yeah, didn't you hit him with. Yeah, exactly. Don't you dare step to the Worshade.

I never would. Yeah, you're right. Yes. They have an army of Brazilians. Yeah, they have. There's always Brazilians there. Oh, it's an absolute Brazilian hot spot. I have a lot of Brazilian material now, just because of that one.

Cause the Walshade. And now, like, there's no Brazilians around to get sad. Right. As in, there's not Brazilians around in general, or in... No, it really isn't. Apart from the Woll Shedset, it's only cases I see Brazilians. Also, Brazil. There's plenty of them, that's for sure.

And then if you went to, uh, if you went to, uh, We went to Dicey Riley's. That's true. I have heard those a lot of Brazilians in there. Oh, but she was Day Nighter. Brazilian's very popular in the sexual charts.

The sexual arena. Like, I think, I think everywhere, Parac Williams has a joke about Brazilian cocks. See, both sides spectrum are now? They're all after me.

So, we made Brazilian lads and he's just randomly talking about how all these women like brought back to the gath and all the sex with him and in his head, that's normal. He was like a waiter. I think you told me that story.

I told everyone. You four women. I'd say there isn't a soul you haven't told. I tell everyone. Tell me, I mean, I went back to fashion. Yeah. Technically, this is not my crime. So I want to do something like this.

Yeah. And he went back and there was four of them and wasn't it that they were actually not quite educated. They would have worked for Google. But that doesn't really mean anything like. Yeah. I mean, I know a few idiots you work for Google. Do you? What are they asked? I don't know if they're working techs and stuff. But it's like, like idiot like they were on the pool table. No, it's like, yeah, the janitor.

Well, like, some people, like, they're good at Google, okay, but they wouldn't be good, like, street knowledge, right? Yeah. And you're saying that as if that is something you'd have. Street knowledge. You have a puppet. I don't bring, yeah, I do. Well, after you get mowed, like, pull out the puppet. Yeah.

Confused, then. I like your puppet. Yeah, I win. Mr. A bro, a girl back me saw my puppet, and I was like, don't look at that press. Do you know what? I need a girl back to, the, the, get out. I need a girl back there.

I took down, I have these motivational messages on my wall. to get into that. Just real, um, you know, sad stuff. Like, you know, stuff like, believe in yourself and be honest and stuff. I don't know. You know, it's not. Anyway, but it's a test, because if you're ashamed for people to see it, it means you're probably not. Same with my puppet. Like, it's like, I fucking ripped them all down. Thurth you. The furnace in my room. Like, just as far as she's concerned, I just have plain walls. I don't need to decorate my room without anything. Like, decorate my room with my own self-confidence and belief,

which comes internally. I don't need bloody external messages. I actually put up a few minutes. I was in your room a while ago and I saw those things. And there are cool things. It hasn't been in Mike's room. Miss now. They haven't been in Mike's room.

But they're not just leaving yourself. It's also like very specific things. Oh no, specific goals. Yeah, yeah. Right. Well, I won't say on the podcast because it'd be embarrassing. Yeah. And many of them are like the goals of like the personal demise of other people.

Yeah, yeah. Just kind of like a, you know, people's faces and you put an X on them a date as well, like an actual case. Yeah. Like when it's going going to go down. Some of them are coming up. Yeah. Tony Ferns. You have a picture of Sri Lanka.

But I'm like that. I'm like, you're a big self-help kind of like. Yeah, I am. Which is what you need. I've been reading about incels at the moment. Yeah. It's like there's two paths in a yellow road. Robert Frost. Yeah, yeah.

Dick Chain. Yeah, yeah. Robert Frost, like those two roads in a yellow wood. Yeah. like the incels one way and you're the other way so what the incels now what would they be what would they be getting up to it's kind of like that kind of thing like fuck the world

they talk about you know the whole blue pill red pill thing I do know the red pill is lads who are like riper yeah yeah yeah it isn't crazy like that isn't that they're I'm not familiar but I always saw red pill was like just mad conspiracies

it's all that it's all that but the main conspiracy is that like illegalizing rape like they're like that's a Conspiracy, it was always fine. In their head, it was better off when it wasn't illegal. Jesus, right. Now, they're trying to make it illegal. Well, it is illegal.

They're trying to keep it, like, on this day, but they're fighting back. But they think it's like a New World Order kind of thing. It's all part of conspiracy, like, women take over to kind of, like, capture men, kind of, like, pull off her balls. My mother's got very lippy recently. Yeah, yeah. You want a red pillar a little bit, do you?

Do you mean that in terms of No, no, just give her a red pill Yes, exactly Yeah, no, just something like Zanax just to chill her out Right, man Didn't mean rape your mother, Mike I'm not that guy anymore

I honestly, I think I'm actually I'm bad enough of this Yeah, you're digging yourself a hole there I was just trying to come in Mike On my, you're not an evil man And you're like, no, I'm not an evil man No, I'm a good, I'm a good, my new thing, I'm self-help guy.

I'm self-help guy, yeah. I just kind of believe in magic. A little bit. Yeah, well, I don't really believe it. I didn't, you know, the secret all isn't great on, but then, right, so I met my friend recently, John Edward Nolan, who won Dancing with the Stars, right? Yeah.

So he won Dancing with the Stars with his partner, who is Marade Farrell, who you might have remembered from the panel. They won Dancing with the Stars anyway. So I was talking to Johnny about the whole thing, and he was telling me, like, So he's big into the laws of attraction, right? Yeah. Yeah, stop fucking out your fucking notes, all right?

Why don't you listen? You meant to be engaged, right? And then perhaps you can actually listen to me and then work off that, yeah? I might bring up something and it makes you think of a little story or a little gag you have. One of your little skits where you do your little voices. I've heard this podcast and like, you're a bloody political failure or whatever. You're a disgrace. You're both jokes.

And I'm trying to give you some fucking advice here where if you listen to the laws of attraction And you believe that this podcast can be better Then it will be better This is better in learning Anyway, so he said Anyway, so he decided this year I'm going to win dancing with the stash And he said

And so the first thing you do Is you just believe You're going to win it But you tank You're already saying thanks for winning So just the bloody hell Universe Yeah

Just knowing in particular You know the bloody The trees, the sky Whoever the hell The bit of wind You'd whisper to him He'd say thank you Thank you to the wind

To the bush Thank you You thank you So anyway, so he says, right, so every morning you wake up anyway. So the whole thing is this grat you practice. So you thank, you wake up and you say thanks for everything in your life. So it just gets you into this habit of like viewing the world in a positive way. My friend did that.

Huh? My friend used to do that. Yeah, we're talking about my friend now. John and Rinald winner of that. What's your, does your friend, I think, for something. Was it R. Who's your friend? I don't want, Cody.

Oh, Cody. Is that the guy who's flushed his dick at us? Yes. That's him. Brilliant. what a role model and he uses gratitude to anyway go back to your stories

to further his um taking his dick out yeah okay go back to your delinquency anyway so tank you thank everyone tank the sun the moons the stars whoever listen to you you thank them

and so you're thanking people so anyway so what he would do then is so in the and that's what the stars when you win you win like a win a prize anyway but you win like a fucking one of these arms or something it's not an orb

but that sounds like now you can go to the next dimension and you never see the winners again yeah they won the arms that's what happens to them because you never do see them again you don't see them again so he got himself

one of these things so he'd see it every morning so he already has it and he would then continue to say like just act if anyone ever asked him about he just acts like he's already like we'll talk as if he's already won obviously you still then have to back this up with action so he's working hard every day

but like so by doing this and like thanking the universe and also what you guys is a stone you get a gratitude stone so this is a stone yeah a stone wait wait by stone you mean something of emerald or ruby or like how much plan can I get can a stone not just be a stone what is this world we're living in

you're trying to make everything decadent a much stone is too big like that's like saying you get prize like well it's not an emerald or where would you get it? A ruby. I shall go buy a ruby today down at the medieval market. No, right, so it's a stone.

So you go find a stone, right? So it's a gratitude stone. Okay. And you make sure you get a fucking one that you like, like a smooth stone. Why are you looking at your phone now? Oh, sorry. I'm trying to... I'm looking up.

This is... Don't look off. Okay, go on. Jesus Christ. I couldn't be telling... I'm pretty sure I'm telling this story well, and you're just... You're negging me. No, I've read the book the game.

I read the sequel. I read the sequel. You did read it, did you? What, the rape charge? No, no, me and Duffy Conner's read it, and it's all about... You read it together, a book together. We literally, we were both hung over after Night and Galway, and we read it. I'll do the pages.

You read aloud. No, we kind of read it half together, we were just hung over on the couch together. The sequel, it all revolves around the dinner party, so it's all, like, how to get yourself ready for the dinner party and how to bang all the chicks. that's the game or that's the next one it's something like the continuation of the game right yeah and it's all about the dinner party scenario

based on dinner parties right okay I'd have the best dinner party and the best dinner party and did you kind of put it into practice did you and Duffy throwing out get people over for a few bags of skittles we did do a thing we'd walk around the By the way that's what you would have

if you and Duffy had to do it just be like just a bowl of brown who hopes and skittles in another bowl and you're just like dig in party phase yeah but we'd be wearing suits yeah yeah we did do a thing we tried a negate girl but it's like we're not good at it yeah yeah yeah he was sort of fuck off yeah yeah yeah yeah go back to the door on her face right so anyway so johnny to say anyway so he's just anyway so thanking everyone and then before every day

so it's all it's about visualization as well so like so if you're constantly then imagining like maybe what would be like to win and then you just start to it just starts to make your behavior all go and align with that happening. Now, whether it makes it happen or not, is up for discussion. I believe it does anything magic point. But, no, I'm illogically... Well, I feel like you skipped over

because you were talking about the rubies and stuff like that. No, you were right. The stone. That's when you make me. But you were talking about... Yeah. You were talking about, like, no. Find a stone. Find a stone. And, like, believe it and tell people you've won, even though you haven't won. So it's... Yeah, well, you don't actually quite tell everyone you've won

already, because I think you're... You're going to win, okay. And then you just went And then you work really hard Of course And you kind of skipped over that They worked really hard That's the bit Like really should be talking about

What? No no no no no It's all in the stone And it's in the stone And it's in the stone And the because well Wait now Okay so now I must explain the stone

Right Really? Yeah I want to hear I've got a stone Yeah why are you bloody Oh it's like a member No so I get the stuff

So I have my own stone Okay Right and it's a gratitude stone Well I don't know I feel you want to know I feel you will there'll be a heist on of my stone

I think you think it is a magic stone like where's the stone and I just have to go out for a minute you look out of a window you're up and all a big scam like

yeah yeah you guys just keep talking to go out you have a little the ring of a mic just like

gratitude zone so at the end of every night right what you do is so you're sitting and then you hold your gratitude stone and you close your eyes and you just like and you just wiping off her at night.

No, you're not doing that. Come on the store. Let's just show you gratitude. Yeah. And then it becomes whatever woman you'd been thinking of. You're a granite, no, I don't know. Margaret Tachian.

What am I doing here? Not another bloody gratitude, girl? Oh, no. Get off me, you beast. Unhand me, months. I'm trying to raise taxes in the 80s.

I don't have time for this. So you hold a stone, you make a wish. I hold a bloody stone and you think about things that happen that day and you say thanks for the best thing that happened that day, right? So anyway, the whole thing is that you're just fucking, you're kind of like rewiring

your brain to think positively about things and to think, like, and be thankful for stuff and then you're just generally makes you a little bit happier and then you're kind of... It gives you a routine. Huh? It gives you a routine as well. It does give you a routine. Yeah, it does. It gives you an outer routine. Like I think you're

like the 1% in a way in time. Like other people, see you can use that kind of stones and the magic and all that. Well, yeah, I'm my own wizard. That's like an assistant for you. Like what are people like, they have nothing. So they're kind of clutched on to the stones. I can just touch that. Yeah. But they just think, like, same drinking Diet Coke

and thinking that will make like diabetes go away. Oh, if I get my magic stone, this will solve all the problems. Yeah, yeah. But if you don't have the work, the effort like you have. Yes, yes, yes. And that's why people, like, the mental health thing at a moment, a lot of it is just like, people are, like, you know, not even basically.

People are, pedophiles. They're just praying on the week to be like, oh, look, are you sad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't you buy my book and you won't be such a fucking retardant. Yeah, yeah. And the retardation only deepens. Yeah, yeah. It becomes thicker, more poised. It is like, the same way, like, now mental health, even corporations use this, so it's like, hey, Snickers, don't feel sad. But it's like same way, like, you know, like, Smirnoff now, they sell their vodka and it's like a rainbow flag on.

Ooh, taste like faggot. You know, like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we're going to have to edit that. No, no, no. You have been partied with that. No, because they're like, we wouldn't advertise this, you know, even like three years ago. Like, when Ellen came out, like, true bottles at her.

three years that was like 23 years ago but now because the legalized it okay they can sell it and they're going

to just use gay people to like make it they don't even know so it's like oh it stuck a rainbow on it and it's like

okay drink of it churrier depression a black love smeared off yeah how much in stone cost huh

no I went down to I went down to Stephen's green and I bloody foraged like a little squirrel it was made of squirrels down in Steven's green

and we were all looking for the one but who got there first bloody one of the squirrel and I cracked them to death like just bludging them and they're no better than rats

and tree rats as I call them and I was doing them a kindness angel agency so then I found this so I just found the stone because it tells you in the books I'm reading the book I should have said that I should have started with this God there's none of this has been making any sense

so the book is called the book's called the magic and in the magic back on track one of the one of the chapters So you find, you go find a stone. You have to like the old stone. Right. It's got to get on stone. It's got to be the right.

It's going to have to look at this stone every day and be using it every night. So if you don't like the stone, it's only going to end up mitering you. You know, have your own misery. We don't want to be in misery. This is what I'm talking about. One of the voices out of this is the kind of nonsense. You get on this point, it's not, it's like on stern the sound of it. Flush.

Yeah, it was like, bing dong. so yeah so you get this thing anyway you bought a book so what happened about gratitude and improving your life

sound effect by leading you out of the darkness of self-doubt and anxiety cock that's a white pussy how many how many how many

self-held books you bought until you found this one not it was a trial and error process what's it

not a lot I read a bit that the book the much maligned it gets a lot of grief like it does get a lot of

people they kind of you tell they haven't read it it's like oh look at this stone book what believe in things yeah

yeah yeah yeah see the thing is um you're cynical of you get you only so fair I'll only get you so far. No, so I haven't, I haven't done that many self-help books.

I read a bit of secret now. I was kind of like, I kind of get the idea here. And then just recently, so this book, The Magic had been, which is like a sequel to that. I did get into it because Johnny told me that he had done it and he had won't dance in with the stars. And I was like, well, bloody hell, I wouldn't mind winning dancing with the stars myself.

So, yeah. So I've been doing that. And, Asher, listen, it's just any other thing to help you out. Yeah, exactly. It's kind of like getting the positive mental attitude. like that's what you need yeah yeah absolutely

you should work in the business cadden that's what you need that's what you need just everyone just slowly just cuts you need to fucking

cock herself on right you have con the Irish Tony Robbins just that's your mental attitude where it needs to be

have you watched much Tony Robbins I watched bits of Tony Robbins yeah he has a thing you were like you'll like make fun of your shoes to like trick you to get out

your blinds An old gypsy trick. No. It's kind of like, you know, that video was like, a girl going like, oh,

you know, my brother raped me, me, my mother, my mother, like, beat me and, my dad got shot

on like a train robbery or something like that. And he's like, yeah, is that why your shoes are so shit? And she laughs because,

like, he's nagging her, like, and he's like, anyway, I'll give you a hug and you, like,

you charge are like $500 dollars. He charged with that, right? Yeah, yeah, but he's massive, like,

He's going to dice him. Oh, he's, because he's so big. Yeah. He's cute, because he's really big and tall, and then he's also... Yeah, your body can't withstand for that long way. Wait, how tall are that too? Oh, he's got, like, he's got, like, humongous size. Oh, really?

He's, like, six foot seven, and now he's got big chest. What's the thing is? He's a huge mouth. He's got a preliminary gland? I don't know what that means. Pullman. Pullman. Pelmonary sounds like...

His gland is got all fucked, and that's why he's so big. But because of that, like, his body, like, kind of like a big dog dies quicker than the small dog. Right. So, like, that's why he probably so positive. Yeah, because he knows his bloody days or not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's on the way out. Yeah, yeah.

He's ready for the Macca's yard. I could see you. You're doing to do. Mm-mm. Like a hoarse. I can see you become, like, a self-help guy with the comedy and all that. With the comedy. How would you mix the two?

You were just trying to tell me now. That's what I'm seeing. Tommy, Tony Robbins is that. He's like, he makes a few jokes. Yeah. You, like, make fun the girl's hair. And then, like, he's like, I'm trying to be like Richard Pryor. I don't want to bloody, you know,

slide someone's shoes off to make them forget about it. I want them to remember more vividly through a story of my own. To shaking them. Yeah. Well, look, I tell you what I do. I tell you what is now, lads.

I tell them, not just you tell the bloody listeners. Tell listeners, yeah. To bloody Brian and James Foxxb. And anyone I feel that gets this far into your podcast is, do you know what I mean? There's a few. We're going to sell Patreon. Huh?

We're going to sell the Patreon. When I get back from America, we want to set it up and going to make i listen to the podcast and they're like um they're more niche than us like i listen this podcast called chapo trap house right okay and they're socialists yeah they're funny socialists that's their thing like yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a niche kind of thing yes it's already got a built-in audience yeah they make like oh wet push the air then they're like distribute the well yeah distribute the pussy yeah they make 40 grand the month like do that yeah yeah sure

that's it that's a cod and like that and like give you hear of adam 22 making you could see yourself making 40 grand a month or making socialism better get a gratitude stone Brian yeah if you do actually yeah

yeah I could help you pick how is stone after the podcast we could go wandering yeah we're down to the park I'll tell Ben Morgan fuck all

we cancelled the episode go find stones but really I just bring you deep into the field and kill you I shouldn't have told you about the magic

stall I shouldn't have told God I'd love to murder it but like you would but you'd understand You'd forgive me before you die I feel like you would I don't think you're capable

I don't think you're capable I don't think you're, I think the thoughts just have left your mind in that state and they're not coming back and then the memories of children What are we talking about? What are we talking about? Yeah, I just think of anything you can

It's like going to the gym and anything you can do to help the head because it's such an a It's like going to the dentist And have you like noticed Like a change since you started doing it would you say?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you been doing it as well? No. You're trying to co-opt. No, I'm talking to you. I was going to be confident. I've noticed the differences. Since I've been doing the magic.

Well, I didn't know you're doing magic, well, I've known what's different in like, just since you've known me. Yeah, since life in general. Right. I know only about two years. Yeah, I know, yeah. So I've seen a difference. You've seen a difference?

Well, sometimes I can be, you know, a bit down. Yeah. Maybe I'm kind of sulking around. Oh, I don't really know this time. Huh? No, you wouldn't care. You wouldn't care enough. No.

Just crying in the corner Yeah, he's all right He's franzed No, no, he's done to shed again Yeah Mike make sure I bring that rope back Yeah, well, you hide it well

I do, I do, yeah, yeah, no, I'm a bloody fraud You're facade, faccad Facad No, yeah, the right to first time Yeah, and faccad No, but you know, it's like this show I'm doing a bit of therapy there Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

You've done a drop of that? Oh, of course, yeah, absolutely Quite a bit, actually, really? Yeah, yeah, but... I don't like it. I did... I found a therapist that I like, though. That's the key.

You gotta find one's like it. I was saying this to Mike when I get your opinion, James. I think for a man, there has to be sexual chemistry between humans as terrorists. Or a fear. A fear?

The has to either represent a daddy or a mommy. Okay. This sounds like more like what you feel you want to be the case. I think this will deepen your problems. No, no, but you're not.

You can't fuck them like that. but just have that sexual, like, oh, something happened here. And that has to be stupid. Like, no, you can't fucking join. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, what I have is a German therapist. Okay. Again, that's the fear aspect of it.

He's a German, which is great. Do you fear him? Huh? Do you fear him? I sure, listen, the things he's seen. Yeah, I mean, like, but it's great, because he's no nonsense. There's no nonsense.

Yeah. Not that an Irish therapist would be. Yeah. Imagine an Irish therapist is going to be like, I'm depressed. I'm like, ah, they're all sad. Oh, oh, oh, oh. He looked down at your prescription, and it just says drink whiskey and stop winging.

That's it. You're fixed. That's mad. He's sad. That's mad. My uncle was sad once. He was mad. I was always crying. Went for a swim, never came back.

He took his rock. He did, yeah. He on a bed of gratitude rocks, no longer. So you've a German A German therapist Which is I don't know if you get to the German But since I've been in there

Then it's great Because you discover that nothing On your personal flaws Are you a fault No no No that's my god According to my therapist It's what the Jews

Just all right Yeah He's got all spelled out I'm like Oh my cousin Because of the Jews He's like Hmong?

You see what's in it for them, but you're a professional. Bomb Israel. Do you know anything about Israeli conflict? I know. I know so much. Look up some videos of it, huh? Yeah, look up some videos. The easy thing...

Of Israel, I've just looked up on videos of Israel. It's a footage of Israel. Littered with the corpses of Palestinians. Yeah, didn't make jokes. I've literally made jokes to Israel people about, like, oh, you're killing children. You've got our number. you got me

and then you just feel a little pierce into the sight gluts see for love well like that's stuff of politics don't even need to know that much just a little bits like oh America's crazy and guns and I'm like oh Brazil big asses

just know the basics like I decided to start learning some stuff about politics because there's at home the other day and I don't look up any news so I just I don't know what's going on in the world and my mother called me an imbecile Really? She said, but Mike, you'll be gesture, just your gesture, like an imbecile.

That doesn't sound like your mother. Well, maybe she'd say, she wouldn't say it to me now. She just called me an imbecile, because I'd be always trying to talk, be like, like, I was smacked, you know, how I'm with my gratu's stone and stuff. And then, I was, just like, Mike, why need the local elections? Do you see some of a gratitude stone? I think perhaps I can win if I'm late for enough. But, uh, so eventually, it was, so there's some conversation I knew about, you know,

what's going on in the world. right. And I don't know why I'd be taking some pride in this, so I don't know answer to the band. And then she's like, you're no better than an imbecile. And you don't actually to hit me hard because, you know, she's my mother bitch, or, you know, she'd generally be the one fight in my corner and even

she's turning against me. So I said, well, my God. So I looked up the Irish Times podcast and I listened to one. Oh, what was it? I was about a worldview, so about the Ukrainian presidential election. So there's this out lad who used to be a comedian. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's now, he's now,

the president and I tell you one thing if I went into fucking his house looked around I'd say he has an absolute fucking bag full

of gratitude stones like not in sure now to pull that off if you're telling me stones weren't involved I am not that fucking I'm not that night I wasn't fucking born yet today

you wouldn't fucking catch me out then man you went straight to like this is more Brian impression and they may put it up his boat deos meos so like you have to the Ukraine's like that. Why you

go direct to Ukraine? Well, it was just the first one. It's the Irish Times podcast, Worldview. Shout out to that. And you know what it is? They're like these news podcasts. What they do is they give you very flat information so they don't put any stink on it. So there's no opinions here. There isn't no bias. You're just getting the fact.

So he's just like, my name's, he's like Hugh Lennon in Ukraine today. And at first you're like, Jesus, how could I listen to any of this? But then after what, you're still thinking that point. But now you know a bit. But now you know a bit. Just know the basics and you can act like you know a lot. Well, see, we're so used to listen to the podcasts

where it's just kind of opiniony. Yeah, yeah, that's just like, and my opinion, I think, blah, blah, blah, that's all just hot. It's all bias and hot air and baloney. Either you have yet to say anything that has a screed of credence today. That's very true.

But we kind of mask ourselves. Yet you have these sheep, these followers on the other end, just going about their day. We kind of, oh, we're nihilist, the sarcasts, you know. Yeah, yeah. We don't give a fuck of anything, but like, yeah. That's easy. like they're actually like your leather sacks

we're not helping anyone huh no jeez you're glorified bagged goose droppings that's how I would describe you if someone made wow put it to the thing so my let me just ask you so you're talking about you got like your positive mental attitude

towards goals or whatever so what is what are your goals what's it what does the future hold for being like to say what do you want to achieve well golden one should we get out of Ireland right so this year so I'm going to move I'm going to move to London in September. Cool. So that's one.

Edinburgh, I'm going to sold out Edinburgh. That's another goal, going to get an agent from Edinburgh. Cool, yeah. Going to, going to meet a new... Do you really need an agent in this thing? Huh? Do we need an agent?

He just want one. Because Pat and Oswald fired his agent. Huh? Pat and Oswald fired his agent. But sure, he hasn't recovered after the wife. You know? He's still half bloody cracked. He's not making good decisions.

No, no, no. No. Does he blame the agent? He fired everyone He fired every Tom Dick and he had His own child bloody shipped out Well it's not just Have you seen this clip of Fallon

When he's talking about in Fallon laughs He's like my wife died And Fallon laughs And he has to recover No Yeah yeah yeah yeah Because I think Fallon was expecting A joke

Right But you know Fallon like He's nervous laughing He is nervous laughing He gets a lot of shtick In the YouTube comment section Yeah A lot of it coming from myself

Ignore them Jimmy Huh? Ignore him Yeah Imagine him just scroll and laughing nervously as he reads him he's an alcoholic isn't it yeah everyone talks about him yeah wow that that wasn't good

but uh no that's that I didn't call him that's his nickname like yeah people do call him because he falls over drunk a lot of the time straight to his face like they call they just take they talk shit about him to his face like right and the boys he don't do about it

he's weak yeah he is yeah he doesn't have a whole lot of backbone so anyway Edinburgh right so yeah agent Would that really help you? Huh? An agent really help you? Listen, but imagine, right, we're having a conversation. You say, to talk to me, you say something here.

Hello. I'm sorry, you can't. The agent. Well, you just tell me an agent. Huh? Just tell people on the agent. Yeah, but people, people, peing. Magic.

Huh? Use the old magic. But that wouldn't be the mind. That's the lie. Lies, don't, aren't involved. How much does an agent take? Ah, sure, he'd take a bit of keeping up. You'd throw him the odd old tenor.

After a game, keep him tight over. Wait, but even out of him, Chim from winging I'm gonna have battered sausage and fucking send him on his way But like I'm not joking with Pan Oswald Like white is dead But like he did

A lot of them are finding our agents now In Hollywood Well that's because they're already so big They don't need to They can promote themselves In this new social media But if you're not known You need somebody to get you in that door

Like it's that next level If you know what I mean Yeah if you're not creative If you're not creative Like Adam 22 He's a podcast recent out okay, he got big from interviewing rappers

right, he doesn't need an agent he just interviews he didn't even he got big right when they got big he got big right

well I don't know who what rappers I don't have I don't know one rapper we met that guy cyclone remember him yeah and you think that

did you interview him because of that you could for going for going for going need for an agent anyway I don't know

I'm disappointed I'd like it listen I get it's on the wall okay okay I'll let you have it it's on my wall have an agent really have to throw me off

well an agent would you like my dreams are bankrupt friendly with an agent or someone that you like sexual tension or a wallet

in all respects sexual tension it's true that's not it's not anything you can keep anything with it no one's this is just

that Freudian thing well actually yeah it's something I had read recently actually I'm acting I'm not acting class

I'm going to act as well I'm a furnace of ambition yeah yeah I'm doing a bit of and Sandy Meisner that's the acting

teacher and I've heard of him and I've read his book and he says or what was his theory what was his theory his theory

he got to have an agent no it's not was his theory like you know like you have to like method acting Oswald's a liar was his theory

metadockeekines no method no so his is like so kind of but you don't use real circumstances

so when you're like you want to get ready for a scene what you do is you imagine circumstances so now so say you now

so say you're like fucking right I have to be really sad for this scene and then you just you'd imagine should listen you just imagine yesterday wouldn't you?

And that'd probably get you there tell you some stories yeah yeah so you'd probably just you'd be able to draw fairly handily from your own life but so it's about but you're meant to not use your own life

because it's like they're your own memories and it'd be damaging for you personally also it's kind of like you're affecting the character with yourself yeah it's like you know you keep that separate yeah but you do use kind of real life situations like something to mean something to you

and this is good for your creativity then so you would imagine so right let's just do an exercise right now let's do it let's do it let's do it let's do an act so we're doing this scene right okay um you're the you're the you're the butcher and uh you're the you're the tree three number two yes um no you're the butcher um so you're the butcher and then me and you are two we're two gay lovers and we're in the butchers yeah and this is where I've decided to tell you. Ooh, I wouldn't mind touching his meat. Ooh, I beg your pudding.

Please leave my shop, sir. We'll not be tolerated. There's a statishment. I'll go out your back door. Ooh! Yeah. The scene's already been ruined. Sorry, sorry.

This is acting. This is real life. This is not these heightened characters. I'm right. Okay, you're the butcher. You just, there's nothing to do with you. If there's, if it comes in, if you get an impulse,

It's all about input. So you'll get the impulse to sell now a lamb shank at some stage. I don't have you come in with you. Right. So, right, we're not, and this is where you're going to find out that I have been having sex with your father.

Okay, yeah. Right. So, and I'm breaking up with you and leaving for your father. Okay. Right. This is what I'm talking is tactile. It's real. No, okay.

Okay. So, right. Oh, fucking sure. We already have enough. We already, we already, we already have enough. sausages. We probably don't need them. Are we in the scene? Yeah. Okay, right,

sorry. There's no sausages here. Why would there be... Um, so, and then I'm... Is there anything you want to tell me? Nah, let's just, we'll just get, we'll just get the meat. We just get the meat. We don't, we don't need to talk about what I might need to tell you. Why are you crying? What secret? Sausages for sale!

Dicious sausages! Be quiet, but jeep, I apologize, sir. This is nothing to do you. You were in the room with my dad last night. I need to sound like you're having sex. What are we doing? I'm sorry, Trevor. Oh, poorly, I'm bloody, sonned your father.

And I'll leave it. I'm about going to live with your mom. What about me? No. What am I supposed to do? I'm bloody, I'm sorry. Who's going to pay the rents? I'm sorry, Trevor.

oh I've got some money here I've got a few nickels that I'm in my head What years is it saying I'm seeing right Now you didn't bring any emotion Well I didn't know what was going on

Because you didn't Well you didn't But you should be able to I didn't even realize He started a scene Right Well I wasn't adaptile So what I did there is I use acting techniques

What techniques Huh? He was crying It was crying and I was crying And I used imaginary scenarios To get myself to place emotionally and you were a wooden plank. Well, I am fairly wooden. I don't really express myself any way possible.

No, and I see that's, I think that might be the problem with you, if you were to become an actor in the theatre. No, I don't want to be that. You're good at a Wes Anderson fellow, but I'm going to be about it. Yeah, that's my scene now. Yeah, do you do have, like, because you do have a kind of a stoic sadness, a kind of, yeah, yeah.

There is a story. There is, like, an energy that's been described as off-putting. Yeah, yeah. It's like, there is something about me, like. There is. You're quite feline, I find. you're feeling like kind of in movements

and generally but like not the kind of cat you bought in your kitchen like you know straight

yeah yeah what's the worst thing you ever done like what's the worst thing you ever done let's get into it feed some of people

don't worry don't know about acting technique I'll stop recording okay Mike well well seems that we're off reckon yeah

and I kept driving so anything you're ashamed of anyway that you once had well there was it is a tough question I don't even know

why I'd say there was the It was me, and it was me, my cousin, David, his little sister, Ashling, and it had rained quite heavily, and we'd run across from my house to theirs, and we're all quite wet. It was, I suppose, it was only naturally in wooden dress. I said, is there anything to eat in the kitchen? And my cousin said, well, no, but perhaps there's something for the chewing. and they're close to him

and he was of course talking about his bum he was she only born yeah and sure anyway she'll listen

family reunions we were all young once we're all young once this is actually not long ago I suppose I did but on a serious on a serious note because that was all fabricated

on a serious note I have done some stuff like that I thought Jesus death or do you know what I've done I've done some stuff I was like, that contradicted my own ideas of myself.

I feel like you have a very definite idea of who you are. Well, I do think, like, I kind of, yeah, in a way. You've very strong morals. Yeah, and, you know, you have an idea of self. I do, but then sometimes,

do you know what sometimes what can really rock your idea of self? You ever remember, like, a fucking date with a girl? I haven't been on dating, actually. Have you not? Not proper. I think you take it out for another donut.

Nah, it's not the same. Huh? Not the same. Yeah. So you're on a day with a girl. But you're on a date with a girl. right and uh and uh if you just you're just you just i have literally not left to say and she just just and they're just kind of rebounding kind of things and you're just like you just like you just

just i just don't want to be near you anymore and i just don't even know i can't i'm not even sure i am anymore because i've been trying so many things to yeah to entertain you and to do i just don't even there's no center anymore it's just i'm just a a bundle you've thrown it all out there you've done it all out there definitely deaf not in yourself they've bloody scraped every bit own a can't. That's the thing like you're almost like fucking yourself in the future because like you've done all this fake shit. Yeah. And then eventually you're going to find out like a secret

agent like she's going to find out the truth. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Luckily the truth in my case is that I'm a bloody lovely guy. Well I'm in the opposite like they find out even the smallest bit about me and they run like that's the big I don't fuck myself. There's put up so much stuff about myself in real life, you know?

Yeah. It's hard for me to do the whole like just hide behind the comedian things like it's just a job. Oh man the amount of time I don't bring girls like McGings anymore because like it is afterwards

it's looking different but yeah after your gig yeah yeah because they're like that wasn't real

was it Brian oh no you were you did what to imagine oh no oh

it was the one in the car yeah and it's an awkward yeah and then like you have to drive back

I thought that was a gag myself no I was really I know yeah I actually

think you might get back into it yeah I liked it better when I thought was a gag

yeah well I might get back into it the old sucking dick for money thing yeah well they're a suck of dick for money but yeah I think this day in age like you're just so desperate yeah for now it's our Patreon for now a quiz

but I think I think in America they'd be they'd kind of say to they'd say more power you do you know be sex positive like sex workers should we'll be working in the bar yeah okay in America I owe you ugly yeah yeah yeah yeah up on it oh my god the moon like no

you can't hide it yeah like a little too drunk matter what you do Someone locks the door And then Yeah Yeah But like

I was thinking that could like You know I'm talking customers Yeah And they're like Lonely salesman Yeah Tired from the road

And like hey Tell you what man Here's my room key Right If you want to fancy A little extra So you're also Staying in the bar

Oh no I can't do that Okay He gives me his room key His room key Yeah I go put out there He's staying

Look if a fancy Gentleman He buys me dinner Or like breakfast Persian descent Persian descent, old money Yeah, or like, you know, like Sugar Daddy kind of things

A hunger for flesh Yeah, you gotta get a sugar daddy brand That's what you need, yeah Sugar Mommy would be perfect But that's not gonna happen Oh, okay It'll roll around with them Yeah

I'm an old wrestling Well, you're selling the experience Not just like some people like Yeah They're like oh, suck the dick daddy Okay But they talk about a big frown in their face And you could

And then you could And then you could kind of Tell kind of sad stories Of your childhood in Carlo Yeah, yeah And they'd love that Over there like the Saudis loved it Yeah, and in the background, you'd have, like, a little bit of, like, kind of Irish rebel sound, like, just in, like, really lightly, just like, like, dairize the show, like diamonds, I thought her the queen of the land.

And, yeah, and that was when I went off to, like, her round the show like diamond. Yeah, win them over. Tide off in a black velvet band. And then lean him on. Yep. Eventually kill him. Dirty old town. Dirty old town.

Dirty old town. get found out go to prison That would be amazing for my career if you did that if you went the killing spree

and then people were like what was he like you did a podcast of them well let me tell you and then I just yeah yeah

then you have that one interview what you say that me and Louis Thoreau just shooting the breeze you didn't know either do you see Louis Thoreau documentary about Jimmy Saville

oh yeah oh two of them huh two of them did you watch the two of them yeah I only watched I watched the second one

Wait, some women Get them in the mood Yeah, we're all smoking weed And I thought it'd be fun to put it on And they're only put back the media video in this brain That's so weird That's a very weird energy to bring To like a smoking weed session

Like here's some The most notorious paedified in Britain He did kind of win though Oh yeah You got away with it Yeah, a caravan And he had it cigars Yeah

jingling or jingling jingling jingling. Yeah. Yeah, jingle jangling. Like a white pito Mr. T. He was actually, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. He'd be great if they had got him in one of the rocking movies. I'm gonna knock your bloody head up, you shake.

Camry, shabby. And then he like, Jim will fix it. My last sats, my last Rocky's son. What's the man? You see he was fucking my boy in the air. I'm going to break your fucking neck. You cut of a bed. Also pays for a hospital in Philadelphia.

That will We'll wrap it up to you One last thing Just to wrap it up Yeah What's one final thing We could end on One actually interesting thing

You got an end to plug Oh a plug Oh a plug Yeah yeah Got anything to plug Riffraff comedy Yeah How's that being going for you

Ah shit It's been going great It's always pack Like I walk in there Riffraff tell him where Riffrat It's near the George It's near the George The Chelsea Drugstore

Yes Chelsea Ruggstore Which is a great cocktail bar Great fan We found a good venue, that's the main thing. We tried to set up a night in Dublin. Didn't go well, like... You and James.

Yeah. I didn't even hear about it. No, we only ran one night, but, like, they never got back to us, but the mic kept cutting in and out. It was a disaster. Plus, it was, like, bright light everywhere. Plus, I date raped myself before he went on stage. Yeah, James just didn't know a lot of that.

What was it? G. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I tell you, the head was swimming, Mike. I was like, the microphone, I went to reach from the mic, and it felt like it was, like, swain back and forth.

that was like, Oh, he was ready for some comedy. Oh, God, I'm so sick. Just imagine, like James stopped there,

he's spinning. Yeah. Does music blare him upstairs? There's lights going around me. There's flashing lights. The mic doesn't work, okay? Yeah. Just like loud,

drunken Lithuanian men. Right. Going mad. Spallan was there that night. And actually, a big guy lifted him up. Yeah. Yeah,

yeah. Like, the crowd were just, he put him to tell him. I don't know. I don't know, actually. Huh?

I don't think we cared. I don't think you care. Only you ask me. I don't think you care, Tats. We were saving you for the second one. Close to a year ago. Yeah, that's what you always do. Save your best act for the second show.

I think we were too young. We were just young boys back then, change. We were just trying it out. It didn't work. Yeah, but I trained up like a pup on Big Mike's comedy hour. Brought you up like a pup. I don't remember any that. I fed you bloody guys.

You took care of me when we were doing Big Mike's in Kilkenny. Like, I always go back to your house afterwards. Yeah. Sometimes I'd just be wrecked. Your mother would make me, don't be food and wouldn't eat it. He would sit there and you would turn his nose off. hung over, like, I'm hung over. But Betsy, and she's looking at

and she'd be there smiling, she's like, go on, Brian. Your mother's so nice. Remember one time, we all did acid together. Your mother, like, woke me up after her just to make sure it wasn't dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, just tapping, like, she was over, I have to say it over. I was tripping balls pretty hard down, Brian. I was pretty afraid for you, but you're all right now.

I'm trying very hard, you're a big acid, man, aren't you? I do like acid, yeah. Yeah, I think you want to get more to acid. I've tried all your drugs. I've never done acid. All drugs are now disappointing to me. I mean, you know, so, no, asses is a great one.

You did, you did a bit that night. I did it, yeah, did a bit. Yeah, and then you were just on Tinder. For a few minutes. That's where you felt your trip. I went up for a few minutes, like, yeah, because someone was texting me, and I was like, I can't let this,

acid or no acid. Yeah, I got on this fish, went away. Well, what I like, I did it, a darned like, I did it, a darn little hint to it, and I really, what, got real deep, and we got to a core of some issues with my, me and my brother's, uh, relationship. Yeah, yeah, it can't, if you, if you, if you,

if you wanted to help, can't help. A lot of people just take and you're like, oh, huh, huh, ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a bunch of like, like, morons. Morons, yeah. We did listen to, actually, a bit of pink fly. Oh, yeah, well, my point. We really did, yeah. Well, that's what designed for, like, but I mean, like, did this, like, I know people who will take ass and then just,

like, play Fortnite. I'm not even joking. That's, yeah, it's so cool the way. It looked like, it was Fortnite, but it was, like, really Fortnite, you know? Yeah, that's a waste, but if you actually try to sit down, it goes to the wood to think about some things. It can help. It can really help. My friend Charlie, he, you know, he wasn't doing too well.

He took some acid. He's like one of those cases you read about. He's like, he bit like you, Mike. Yeah. Like, he's like the 1% for him. He took acid once. He was like, oh, I know what you need to do in my life now. So right.

And he just worked out nonstop for like three years. He like worked really hard in college. He made. He designed his video games. Right. He's made his own video games. Started selling them. Now he's with like an eight, hopefully she's 18.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's just because of show, like, if you take acid. Oh, you're like, I think we're going to say very successful business. Oh, no, it's hopefully kind of age woman. He's got a nice

ass now. He's like his body has changed and everything like. Charley is a nice ass. Yeah, yeah. How do you even get a nice ass? My friend John has a great little. I've seen it. Well, he like really shows stuff. John's Philanick. He goes around like a peacock. He really arches his back. Yeah, yeah, and he kind of puffs

it out there. It's quite, it's quite pompous. Yeah, yeah. And there is something to be bombastic. Well, you're just jealous, like. Oh, if you pray. that little stone like you get nice hours. Yeah, I think I used to actually the girl I used to see in America

a sonal, she's an Indian hippie one. Do I want to cut the name out? Huh? No, no, no, no, she's that. I don't want you to call this up afterwards. I got caught out. I love you, show, we used to talk with that.

We used to have a little, like, pet voices for each other. So like, you were talking like this and then I would dog like this. That's someone. It was. It's someone that can be silly wet, right?

Someone can be silly wet and feel comfortable. I haven't met anyone like that. They're all fucking idiots. And that's when you can feel silly. Stop crying. Oh, yeah, so Sonia, yeah? When you can feel, Sonia's name of a character on EastEnders. She's called, Ma, and...

Do you remember that? No. No. Okay. No, you're an Emmerdale, man. The King's in Ag... The Dingos are... I told you that, I was in Ag Science.

In the Ag Science course, there's lads who sit there watching Emmerdale in the canteen late in the night. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Do you know, like, what a super fight would be to them? like we'll be like what of like K and Dingle for like Phil Mitchell yeah yeah that's the idea

of like you'll flash at the time yes yeah who'd win um so so uh so on oh no

but yeah we used to um have silly voices and be comfortable we used to sit on and when you it's very rare you get someone

that's silly that you can be like that like silly it's like it's like your frequency yeah and it's got it's great and I had both one

the two girls as you see in America I could do that way and I never found found out would... They haven't found one yet. Found one yet. When you get your agent, he'll just set it up for you.

I think he will set it up. That's what has to Tom Cruise is. Yeah. The agent would go out find a woman and she's no saying the matter. Yes, that could be you. Someone, like a girl who likes rock climbing and motorbikes, like Tom. Is that kind of... Yeah, yeah.

That would be fun. That sounds like exhausting, beyond. But like, yeah, someone who, like, the agent will know who'd find. Right. They'll say it up. And not in a creepy way. It was like, hey, look, this girl, she's also a big mic fan. Yeah.

Like yourself. okay yeah and like they want to know hey hey they want to know like can we have she wants to have dinner I want to set up for you you don't have to say anything just show up there and just smile um I would like that um I would like that

and just someone to talk in uh in like just like oh do you ever did you ever hear my voice from my dog queen mod oh you have heard it yeah yeah yeah yeah kind of like that I kind of like that I want someone to kind of embody my dog I want a woman to be like

fuck my dog yeah I want a woman to be my dog I don't feel about being my dog And then there'll be some that There'll be one that I'd just be like You know not I would fucking love to me Yeah

Bring around Whoof baby Let's get Just bring around the lead Yeah When you're doing riffraff You tire outside She's not a house dog

No She's a farm dog Shut up Yeah Round up the sheep Turn out Round up the sheep Oh

Mike so Riff Raff Anything else you want to look Riff Raff Wednesday Edward is coming up um edinburgh yeah edinburgh for the whole month do you have the room yet i do yeah it's a place called subway on cowgate seven very good place yeah seven 30 every day the main room um uh the show the best boy in ireland which is the the show um i had there last year as well um so yeah that's

it that's it yeah i'd like to thank you and i'd like to thank you not only for today but for your um for your service i think you're a much needed voice in in the din of bureaucracy and bullshit that is dominating the world of podcasts and it's very refreshing to see Well, it's been lovely having you on. Big Mike, thank you so much. And I think you're about a great great community. And we'll get you on again.

Huh? We'll get you on again. I'd love to come again. And you'd be a regular guy, like. I think I should be regular. Regular correspondent. You'd be like the wacky uncle comes over. Chew the sign of fans. You see her knock, knock me. Just hear me sucking on a stone. Bring the stone next time. I will bring the stone next time. I will bring the stone next time.

Let's you all the little touch it. I'll have a little touch. What a feel of what I was. Big Mike, thank you for being on the show wish you all the best when you move to London that's going to be very exciting and I hope you get in there you can Skype in yeah yeah you can Skype in yeah

okay that's the end of Brian and James fuck each other featuring Michael Rice Ben Morgan's coming guys thanks for listening good night