Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 271 : John Carter of Carlow

Episode Date: November 1, 2025

Dr Who returns and for some reason James isn't excited.

Anyway, look, we're here for a free episode All right, James is drinking White Monster. You're having a good time, aren't you? I mean, it's fine, I suppose. I mean, you have White Monster, and we had the trailer for Scream 7. Yeah, I'm not going to lie, I was pretty pumped on that. I knew you would be, yeah.

I waited for you, because you went upstairs to do something to yourself. Yes. And you're a what... To deface myself. Lester Lord's eyes gaze upon me in my moment of weakness. Spill my seed.

James, bring your seed down here quick It's Scream 7 I will bring my seed to you And make you scream, boy I beg you pardon But yeah, so Scream 7 It looks fun, doesn't it? It does They're not really do much of the format though

It's just ghost-faced again Yeah, well, yeah, what do you mean? Yeah, you're happy with that. It's like saying Halloween without Michael Myers Or nightmare without Freddy You're right, I hear yourself talking sometimes you fucking halfway. Why do you try

Tink before you speak? Yeah, yeah, exactly. What if ghost face went to space? Ghost space! There we go. You mock, that'd be very fun, yeah? Like, you're in the space station,

the phone starts ringing. You're like, who is calling? Hello, Brian. You're looking outside of the spaceship, like, where are you? Is this Doctor Who, is it? Oh, well, if you bring up Doctor Who? No, because Doctor Who is back.

Okay. Everyone was saying it was gone, all right? I never said, I was never, I'd never speak ill of the show. No. I never doubted for a second. It's back. They've announced there that Doctor Who is back for a 2026 Christmas special. 2026?

Yeah. So that's not this Christmas, but next Christmas. Yeah, exactly. Any time to prepare for this could be so good, all right? Who's going to be the doctor? No one knows. Right. And it's so good that Disney have pulled out.

Disney have stopped funding it and they don't want anything to do with it because Disney couldn't handle it because Disney are worried this is a big problem Disney have okay because they got their little things like Marvel and Star Wars

yeah yeah little mom and pop shop yeah makes no fucking money at all and they're worried that Doctor Who would overshadow everything else and they'd be right yeah yeah it's like you know the way a girl breaks up with a guy

because the dick is too big yes and he gives her too many or castles they don't want that no they don't They were a little, like the little train that could, you know, that's my dick. So Disney pulled out, and now we're back to just the BBC and Russell T. Davis.

Just back to our roots. Yeah. I'm mixed, to be honest. I kind of wish we'd just get a new guy running the show and have a fresh start. Okay. But now it's probably going to be Russellty Davis, going to write a special, and it's going to be fucking Billy Piper and David Tennant and all the old faces. We're just stuck in the past. I want to go to the future.

Fan service, regurgitating the same old shite. Just puking up in my mouth. And I hate myself. I'm like, oh, more, please. Like a little baby bird with your asshole wide open. Guzzling more and more. Because I'm all like, I'm trying to be cooing for you. I'm like, yeah, I don't give a fuck, dude.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, that's all just commercialized garbage, man, you know. But then when I get it, I'm like, oh, yes. Oh, more funco pops, please. A warm blanket for the soul. Yeah. Yeah. So they've announced that it's...

Well, the phrasing of it's weird. So Russell D. Davis is back for the special and then there'll be another series. Don't mention if Russell D. Davis will be involved in that. I really hope not. I guess it probably will depend on how well the special does. Well, the BBC have said there will be a series. Okay.

And I don't think Russell really wants to be in charge of the show anymore. It's like, it's a big responsibility. So this is the problem, because a lot of people are like, yo, just get this guy. He's like, he's a no experience. They're always like, just get Alan Moore to do it. Yeah. He's never done a TV show.

It doesn't matter. Yeah. Like, you need someone, like, Rusty Davis is great because he had queer as folk and he had second coming and all these different shows. You knew how to make television. Yeah. And you give you this, it's a, you know,

the people making Doctor Who, like, they're used to making fucking, casualty. We don't have, I say we, it's like my football team, you know, we don't have the big guns,

you know, we're not the Star Trek's and all that. What about, speaking of big guns, James Gunn, doing the next Doctor Who. And the doctor is like,

very like, oh, that went well. He's sarcastic, you know, and breaks the fourth wall. It's like, Oh, that's more... Hello there. Oh, you're probably a skinny nerd

nerd with glasses who's obsessed with this show because you've got tiny cock. Well, that's offensive, all right? Also, that's more of a Deadpool thing. Exactly, yeah, yeah. James Gunn's not Deadpool. We need more, you know.

No, Gunn, though. Gunn's got his little, his funny banter. He does have his funny banter, yeah. I can't deny that. And look, if James Gunn wanted it, I'd think about it. I'd definitely have a meeting with him. Yeah. See if he's up for a task.

I've been looking through your work, and I have to say, I'm not sure you have what it takes. You make the little indie movies, do you? Like Garns the Galaxy? Yeah, I mean, that's okay, but this is the big leagues here. So, boy, you handle it. Well, I mean, if you want to, you know, take over the show, I'm going to make me feel good, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, unzip my fly. All of my needs must be met. I got a bullet in chamber. You need to release. And what are sexual metaphors? A fuck bullet in case I wasn't being clear. Yeah. I'm not very good

the old innuendo myself now, but... Just bank me off, mate. Yeah, so I'm not too sure. It'll probably be... The thing is, the BBC aren't doing too well. Like, the British TV industry itself is just

things are bad. I think the TV industry and movie industry right now is things... Everyone's struggling, you know? Like, it's funny timing, but... So, Rosalie Davis, his company is called Bad Wolf.

All right? And they're the production company that the BBC teamed up with for Dr. who. So it was Bad Wolf and Disney now Disney pulled out and it's weird timing because just like a week ago they had I believe

either Julie Tranter I think her name is okay or Jane Tranter right but they had her talking about the bad wolf and just the British industry as a whole you know she was just like it's very tough we did a lot of layoffs in the future and times are going to be bad

you know yeah a lot of people be fired a lot of people lose their jobs people in food banks yeah a lot of tears deaths probably yeah a lot of deaths you know overdoses suicides murder probably so it's a real bad time in the industry

and now weekly are like Doctor Who's back Celebrate good time come on I said it before I wouldn't mind it if it was just like Doctor Who is stuck on earth and he has to fight sock puppets

and scarecrows and it might be that no in fairness I would love that to be honestly AI sock puppets no no AI, you know, we can't force that. Yeah, I suppose. Although there is AI Doctor Who and it's very creepy.

Really? Yeah, I don't know. I don't really know what the crack is. I don't know where it's coming from. I just see it on TikTok, all right? And I did see an AI episode of Friends. I saw that, yeah. What's the new AI thing? Sora? S-O-R-A. George Sora. That's it, yeah. No, come on, no. Be serious.

Sorry, yeah, you know. I think it's Sora. But I think Sora have tried to play ball a little bit with people where they're like oh no child porn and no copyright material and so you know that kind of people are like a bunch of lame wads bunch of squares yeah

yeah I don't know the AI stuff I kind of I purposely try not to when I'm scrolling and it comes up I'll not watch it just because I really yeah fucking dork why are you protesting the re-ed comedy festival as well

yes I was yeah hang your head in shame Andrew Maxwell well you can't stop it that's the thing that other people are like oh we won't let this happen is like people have no idea

what's coming okay yeah I mean like we are going like you would have the thing we drive around Hollywood on a bus you go like oh this is where the stars live yeah man in a few years they're all going to be homeless okay you see Jim from the office

getting stabbed to death over a can of beans that's going to be a few like oh my God it's been mad Mac right yeah and people are like oh but they couldn't do a we do Of course they could The or you can do podcasts right now

Who AI AI yeah You can Podcasts you can put in like Jackie Chan Prince Andrew

and James Caden All right Yeah Dream blunt rotation I love it Yeah I'm on board

Talking about Scream 7 and you press some buttons and you got a full hour of them talking about all right

And Prince Andrew's like I like the little girl in it Very young Don't ever touch a Chinese man radio. You get killed.

Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth? God damn. That's James. Yo, Andrew, I ain't seen you in a minute, brie. Remember when we're up in the plane? Lonely Express like a motherfucker. Hey, oh, I'd know that penis anywhere.

Let me polish the royal scepter. Very, very, very funny. Very good. Yes, right, yes, yes, yes, yes. Anyway, yeah. Moving on, more serious issues there. What was my point?

Oh, Doctor Who? I love AI. Yeah, sorry, yeah. I love it and I make fun of you, you know? It's going to happen and like, um, a lot of, I know what's going to happen. I'm not even not watching it for like a moral point of view. It's like, I'm just, I'm not interested.

Okay. I'll take it back then. You're not gay. Okay. Well. Don't count your chickens yet, sweety. Um, but a lot of companies, they've bought the software now. So, like, we better use AI for something.

Yeah. So they're using it for just like, real. basic shit, you know. See, I'm hearing two schools of thought. I'm hearing... What? A.I's coming. It's unstoppable.

And we're all going to be jobless, homeless, dickless and hairless. You know, it's all over for the human race. And then I'm hearing people are overestimating how good it is. And it's like the dot-com bubble where it's not going to be as revolutionary and all-encompassing as people think. No, I think... But I think it's a false equivalency to, you know, compare this.

this to the dot-com bubble because the technology is so much more advanced and also pervasive. It's everywhere. Like, we all have smartphones. Like, it's a completely different thing and different time, right? I think it's a little column A, little column B, because they're saying, like, AI is going to be amazing. I think AI is going to be kind of shit, but you'll still take your job. Okay. Because it's like...

Which just goes to show what a dork you are. What a play. Because honestly, okay, you have, like, someone that comes in, like, put stuff in a computer. They're not, it's not like they're the best at it. Like, they're shit as well. Yes. Like, any job I've had, I've half-assed it, you know? I'm listening to my podcast.

I'm listening to the Gary Neville podcast. And they're like, Brian! What job was that? What were they screaming in this scenario? I'm in the women's bathroom. I'm the inspector. I'm the tampon inspector. Come on now, ladies.

Line up. No, no, no, no. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Oh, Sammy, a heavy flow. Well done. My, how you've grown. Oh, you sick freak, Brian. You weird freak.

Unbelievable free one. I know. Well, this is your life, wow. This is what you do for a living. Who's paying you to do that? Carlo County Council, is it? Oh, typical. the point is okay

I think companies who's rather just like have like something shit doing it all right yeah yeah it's annoying they're probably fuck up half time but just yell at the Indian guy who's in charge of it but it's never gonna

AI isn't going to call in because it's having a borderline personality to sort of flare up and needs to stay at old yeah yeah um oh I've got imposter syndrome

in my penis so I can't come to work And that doesn't work Have you seen now the new thing In Britain They're all like Yeah People like say

They've got anxiety And they can't come to work That's bullocks The best cure for anxiety Is a good day at work So you can't get health benefits Now if you Oh really

Inxiety and stuff You know it's really fucked up in England And I think We're going to get in Ireland soon as well You know those tests The disabled tests Wow Were they throw them down

A flight of stairs I mean you're not far off because there's these people who are disabled so they get disability benefits, all right? And then you have to be, there's guys who are like, you know, they've got their glasses and their noteboards and all, you know, they have to go around to a disabled person

be like, really, are you? And like kicking the tires, you know, like. Sticking, like a knife in the shamed? Yeah, yeah. You watch that film Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, you know, with, yeah, yeah, yeah, like whacking the legs, but I think they actually do have stuff wherever,

like some lad who's got, like, you know, dodgy legs and he's on crutches, and like, okay, walk, from there to there and if you go too fast you won't get your benefits but if you go too slow you won't get your benefits so no pressure pal and during it just kicked the cane out

I'm just for the cracker oh tisk tisk tisk you gotta love what you do look at that lazy butterfingers clumsy like it's a very I don't know I need to look up more like how do they actually prove to someone's disabled or not

because I don't think doctors know it's work yeah anyone get that fucking yeah go on get up right you know so they have to do something like um you know they'll have some in the wheelchair and pull the fire alarm and didn't wait be like hmm you've passed this test oh okay so you got the guy he's in the wheelchair at this side of the room over here's his wife with three big black dudes and if you don't get up and stop them in time well you know if he gets up he's racist let's just say they'll get some benefits of their own eh friends with benefits Am I right?

Disgusting, man. I know, yeah, well, you know. I try to make a point about disability. Yeah, what some black guys gave it. Pretty good. I'm proud of it. Yeah, fucking Puerto Rican there as well, yeah. Jerk it off, you know.

Knocking back a few surfaces, you know. What was my point? I don't know. Yeah, I, yeah, I can't follow this. AI. Doctor Who? I can't follow this. All right, well, just...

You're running rings about me, you know? Clean break. Start off with something else. Don't cut any of that out. That was gold. Oh, of course I wouldn't. What are you talking about? You're saving this episode.

Wow. Yeah? Didn't deny it, did you? I bet. I want to you, go, no, Brian, what are you talking about? Yeah. When you brought up Doctor Who, that was inspired. Yeah, yeah.

Sure was. Look, let's talk with something completely different, all right? Okay. I want to talk about Disney. Right. I want to talk with Disney's failures. So Doctor Who was a complete success with Disney. So good

they didn't renew the contract. Yeah, yeah. We've already completed it. We don't need to... We've reached the top of the Everest. The stockholder's like, we're making too much money here. You've got to drop this. We can't handle the Shui Gokwa. What's he up to now? He's on benefits.

He's in a wheelchair trying to convince it's the best acting he's ever done. Okay, yeah. He's acting the real turn. is trying to get the sunflower badge, you know? Ah, shut up, Brian. I just shut your fucking mouth. To ruin it for you, I think he's actually doing a play

at the moment. Okay. He was doing the importance of being Ernest. Good. With Stephen Frye. Wonderful. Yeah. You got a problem with that, yeah. You got a problem with being earnest. No, I don't. Be as earnest as you want. Ernest scared stupid. Hey, there, Vern. Scares straight.

Hey, Vern. I don't like that there, Stephen Frye, Vern. he's a Zionist Let's talk Let me talk Alright yeah So I looked in at Disney failures Disney's had some very interesting failures

Over the years, okay And big ones All right They have massive swings And they fall in their face And the biggest of all Is a film called John Carter Yeah

This I think actually Is the biggest failure In all of cinema In terms of the amount of money Spent and the amount of money you made Yeah it was a notorious box office bar. Yeah, it lost Disney about 250

million. Yeah, it lost them, 250. So it lost them millions and millions, okay? Big, big failure. I never seen it before, but it's one of those things that you always hear about. You know, it's kind of like Waterworld. You always hear about being a big, and being

troubled production and all that. Now, have you heard of John Carter not the movie now, the character? He's been around since like 1912. No, I haven't. That's the problem There you go, yeah That's what a lot of people are like

No There's nothing many John Carter fans out there I'm ashamed to say So John Carter Was created by the guy who did Tarzan Oh Edgar Burroughs or something like that I feel stupid that I didn't know that

So again like I said I think They were originally serialized In like 1912 And they got published in 1914 Or something like that Right And they've been trying to make a movie

based on this since like the 1930s. Okay. Long, long time. And the funny thing is, we don't know about John Carter, but we know about what it's, what it's led to.

So, Star Wars, Book Rogers, Flash Gordon, Doan. Doctor Who? No. No, no,

that's a separate thing. All right. Yeah. Sorry. Doctor Who's his own thing, all right? And it wouldn't be... That's like,

is it actually kind of offensive, actually, yeah. It's like disrespecting the Prophet Muhammad there, all right? And he's tired of us Okay

And now is The Prophet Muhammad Based on John Carter from ours You know Actually he does track A wacky Space Man

Who came down Hey everybody It's me The Prophet Mohammed He has some Wacky ideas But So all these things

Words Byr You think That was a big bomb Way do you get A load of this guy Yeah A little messy there I didn't quite stick to landing.

I didn't help, I just talked over it there, yeah. It's okay. I could see you were getting ready, but something's like, yeah, and also, the gross domestic box office. Now, it did make a lot in China, but not enough for a sequel. So,

it's a huge big thing. They're trying to make it for years and years. A lot of names were attached to it. At one stage, that Mexican was attached to it. You know the one. I'm not even going to say his name. Robert

Rodriguez I forgot his name he was attached to it and he wants to do like a proper sword and sorcery you know a chain mail

and get like a cone barbarian make it like proper like his style you know yeah and he didn't do it because he had

a falling out with the director's guild over Sin City really yeah because he credited he created Frank Miller's director

and Frank Miller's not in the director's guild oh so it led to a kind of a small little argument that wasn't like a big deal. It wasn't like Israel Gaza or anything, you know. Did he direct the film? Oh, he did, yeah.

He co-directed it. Well, couldn't they just have given him, like, got him in the director's guild, surely? Look, I'm not in charge this. I wasn't around at the time. Like, I'm sorry. Okay, I'll go into Hollywood and find out for you. Okay.

I think Robert could have, but he just didn't do it. Just didn't bother. It's his paperwork, you know? Yeah, yeah. So, anyway, the point is, so it led to a small thing, and it got moved over to that other guy. Go on.

You know him. It's a tip of your tongue. Who directed it? No. No, who was going directed, but I didn't. Go on, keep on your toes. Could you give me a clue?

I'll give you a hint. He dated Monica. And he was a UFC fighter. Oh, John Favro. Yeah, yeah, director of chef. Yeah. All right. And Iron Man, too.

So he was going to do it. And then the budget got bigger and bigger. And John was real like, you know, we guys have people in costumes. You got like, all these aliens, we all CGI. So we got bigger and bigger and bigger. And eventually got so big that he left the project over budget stuff and went to Iron Man, some fucking shit indie film. Yeah, yeah.

And now they've got John Carter ready to go, don't who directed. So they get Andrew Stanton. Andy Stantz Yeah Old Randy Andy Stanton The Stant man So Andrew Stanton Has never directed a live action film in his life

He has done Fini Nemo Okay And like you know It's a pretty big deal Ty Story tree or whatever Okay He's like he's a Pixar guy Okay

All Pixar start off doing story boards For Toy Story 1 And worked up to do directing stuff right Wally and all that Yeah yeah But he's a huge John Carter fan Right

So he really wants to do this like, come on, Disney, let me at him. Let me at him. They're like, I'm ready. Yeah, okay, let's stay. The film is a lot of CGI anyway. So it's, he'd be good for it, you know? Yeah.

So they start in production, and it's going on for a long time. And Andrew, for some reason, he's very, he's got a lot of ideas. He's like, we don't want to cast anyone who's known. It should be, it should be unknowns, all right? Why? Because it would distract from John Carter. We don't need, I mean, tell George Clooney to stop ringing me. We don't want him.

He's an old, smelly give. Well, I mean, if it succeeded, see, like, James Cameron was the same way. James Cameron's like, people out here for Avatar, special effects. It doesn't matter who the fuck we get. He told Matt Damon that. Really? Yeah, he told Matt Damon, like, I'm not going to pay you that much. Yeah.

Because I don't really need you. Right. I'll get this Sam Wordening country. I don't even know where he came from. He's in a bin somewhere. Oh, what's that, my? Crocker! hey? Have it's your

I shall blow me Mitchell. I have to put me cock on the horse's tail to make it go giddy up. Cracky. He's Australian, is he? He is, yeah. I kind of verged into Cockney, London there. May it, Culper? So, like, if it was a big success, you'd be like, wow, what a smart guy.

Yeah. So, Andrew Stanton was like, we need Taylor Kishk. The next big thing, all right? Start our Friday night lights and battleship later on. He's not very good, I'll be honest. When did John Carter come on? Like 2011 or 12 or something like that, yeah. Taylor Kitch.

Taylor Kish, he's the big, big star of it. And they're filming for ages. And because he's not used to doing live action, they have to do a lot of retakes, and they're taking ages. And he wants to film all in studio, doesn't want to do like any kind of outside stuff in the desert or anything.

So, because he wants full control over everything. Like, that makes it harder to make it, like, real and they're up to the budget more and more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he, they film for ages ago, like over the time and all that. And then after it's to go do more reshoots. And the problem is, stories start coming out about this before the, way before the movie's released. Right. Just that it's a troubled production.

A little bit like Apocalypse Now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they kind of came his thing like, geez, hear about all the money they're spending there. And they had like a reporter come to the set and they were like talking to it. And like, Andrew Stanton was really like, yeah, I mean, we're just kind of shoot. shooting a movie twice basically but yeah that's how you make a good movie you know and they're like that's not really a yeah that's not a good yeah that's not a good yeah maybe if you're shooting clerks you can do it you know twice you know the studios don't want to hear that yeah yeah like each take is

probably hundreds of thousands of dollars especially for this film yeah yeah i'll get into more there's so much cg. all right and then we get to the marketing stage and the film is originally called john carter of mars right he's john carter he's on mars all right now A lot of sci-fi films previously have bombed in the box office and Disney get nervous. So there's a film called Mars Needs Moms. It's like a science fiction fantasy kind of kids film, all right? Ghosts from Mars. Was that another one?

That was a while ago. But yeah, you're right. It's probably taught about that as well. So for some reason they were like, oh, the word Mars will scare people off. Because we want everyone to come. Mars attacks? I don't know if that did well in the box office. but you should be in then there in a meeting

be like, I raise you Mars attacks Mm-hmm. There you go, yeah. Mars bars? Anyone gone any? Johnny Moore? Mm-hmm. One more. Uh.

Marsy pan. No. No, you ruined it. I said that too loud as well. You ruined it completely. Well done. The old classic tour effect. You try your best.

Now you come along and shit all over your my magnum opus my best work it's like you're on your master painting you know I just sneezed on it like Mr. Bean so decide look we want to get everyone so lads will come because it's

science fiction film right but women might be scared away by the word Mars women are stupid so they don't know planets yeah they think if you go into the cinema it's like a rocket ship

that'll take you to Mars yeah That's what women will think. They get rid of Mars because they want women just come for Taylor Kish because Taylor Kish because box off

his dynamite. Friday Night Lights was a pretty big show. He's a big show. I'm being mean here, you know. He's a good looking man. I'm just jealous. He's a wonderful talent.

I'm jealous. Yeah, who cares? Yeah. Being a movie star, I don't give a fuck, you know. I wouldn't like it. All those women wanting to touch my picker?

No, thank you. I'd have to keep it clean all day, every day. No. pressure, responsibility. Actually, speaking of jealousy, I just reminded something very ages ago. So I remember, like, I was on, I think I was on Coke or something like

that one time, and I was chatting to a lad. I kind of jealous him, because he's a real beautiful girlfriend, and he's got, like, a cool life, all right. Yeah. And I was on Coke, so I don't know why, but I told him that I was working on a screenplay with James Franco. Does he believe you? No. No. I was like, no, I am, yeah.

You just told him. Yeah, yeah, I was like, no, we're working on a Bikowski movie. Yeah, yeah, because I'm a big Bikowski fan. Franco knows that. We linked up there and we're working on. Yeah, we're shooting soon, yeah, shooting in May. Maybe your girlfriend could audition in my, we'll step into the downstairs bathroom of this gap party. Me and Franco, you know, Franco didn't really want to be associate with me because it says it'll hurt his career.

Did the guy ask, how did you link up with Franco? Even just he'd walked away, really. And you were like, oh, I can't believe I fooled him. You were like the talented Mr. Ripley, you know? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, fuck it. That's like, catch me if you can, you know? You're just like gluing a picture of you and franco together next to the word screenplay.

Yeah. You have to go off to become a pilot, you know, and put on like a builder's hat. but anyway look so back to john carter might steal that one no i'll try to convince people now is this before or after the allegations oh this was like a year ago oh okay right right that was like three weeks ago yeah and it's true though i am

really what's he like oh i'm so good at the master manipulator have you met dave franco he's my hero i love dave franco you would wouldn't you with his beautiful wife. Look, anyway, enough of that shy, all right? So they take out John Carter, they take out of Mars parts, who's John Carter.

John Carter. And then they released the first teaser for the film. And the first teaser, they don't really say what's going on, don't show any sci-fi stuff, France. It's like, who is John Carter? Do, do, do.

John Carter, watch out. Do, do, do. And then, like, oh, coming soon. That's it. It's like a very kind of a mysterious traitor. Because nobody knows who the fuck John Carter is. It's not a well-known IP at all. Exactly, yeah, yeah.

It didn't really do well. Although I do have to assume there were like, you know, die hard. Oh, just Carterheads. Yeah, yeah. So they probably despise. Oh, yeah. At this stage now, people are like, for what it is, I suppose.

Let's just jump to the film, okay? It's so boring. I couldn't believe it. Because I always thought, like, hey, it's going to be a big failure. or something's a big failure is like Wild Wild West is at least entertaining

you know Waterworld will be the same Exactly yeah This is just so dull It's kind of like It's like It's like Star Wars prequels But not as good

It looks worse Wow The Phantom Menace Looks way better than this Honestly Yeah And they do make a weird choice So it starts off

It's John Carter And like I don't know Civil War times Okay And he's like you know On a horse Being chased by Brian Cranston Brian Cranston

Brian Cranston Hey you root in two get back here, yeah, son of a gun and during the desert and it looks like a desert mua river, okay? Right. And then John Carter goes in like some kind of underground thing, finds a secret passage to Mars,

secret like portal, all right? Oh. Yeah, and he goes to Mars and it looks the exact same. As Utah. Yeah, let's go from desert to desert. Okay. But then, like I told earlier, it's all shot in the studio. Yeah. So why the fuck to look like that? Make it red. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make Mars look like an alien plant.

you're right you're right it's just a duck you can see a fucking like apple green in the back it's all shot on fingless yeah there's a bunch of yupproes in the background on scooters and the only kind of bit of bit of fun how to talk they made a big mistake by the way so it's taylor kish goes to mars brian cransden doesn't right wouldn't that be a bit of fun that's why it because it's john carter from mars not fucking heisenberg from mars Don't you know how to read, idiot. I love, this sell meth to Mars. Mars, meth.

I am the one who not. But that would be kind of fun because that would have been like, already like he could be the villain, right? And maybe Brian Cransson could team up with the evil aliens. So Taylor Kitt, John Carter is like just this colonial time Civil War soldier. I think he's on Earth. I think he's no longer a soldier now. I think he's up to.

But it's set in that time. Yeah, yeah. So he just goes into a portal and suddenly he's in Mars. Yeah. And what's his reaction? Well, at first, the only fun bit is because the gravity is different. So he's kind of like, what the heck? And he kind of jumps and he goes way up and goes down.

Okay. Whoa. And that's kind of fun because he's probably on wires. You know what I was like? Right. But then he meets these aliens, call it the googos. What are they called? The Goo Goo Dolls.

No, I wish now. And I don't want the world to see me. They're called the Tarks. The Tarks? Not the Turks. The young Tarks. Yeah. They're called the Tarks.

Shank Yugar. The Tarks, okay. They're not humans and they're playing aliens. They're fully CGI and they're like way taller than us. Right. They're like taller than like Wemby, that NBA player. They're a big massive and they got like weird arms and they're like some kind of, I don't know, like a gray or something like that.

Right. Kind of green looking yokes, okay? And they look kind of shy to be honest. And then we have to spend so much time with these shitty aliens. Yeah, yeah. Caring about them. It's like so basic. Do they speak English?

Yeah, yeah. They sound like Willem de Foe because they're played by William the Foe, right? Oh, I see. But it's just the most basic stuff where it's like, oh, there's the evil emperor played by Mark Strong, and then the poor aliens, and then, like, there's the princess. And then, like, he's got to help the aliens defeat the fucking emperor and the princess there. It's like, oh, my God, John Carr. So it's very Star Wars then? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very, very, very, but not even, there's no fun in it whatsoever. Right. And it's real, like, it's made for the whole family. So it's not like, it doesn't have that sword, sort, like, make it bloody or make it more fun or make it funnier. Like, it's so, um, and like, I'm going to sound like hypocrite because I always hate when, like, the Marvel movies is like, that went well. Yeah. All right. They try to be funny or have like, you know, to have like Starlord, you know, do a big speech and he falls over, you know.

But in this, there's, it's so. plain. Yeah, monotone. Yeah, yeah. You know what's like? It's like Star Wars and Dune, that's like the cake. Right. And this is like, hey, how about a bag of flour and an egg? That's all you need. And so it's the ingredients, I suppose, yeah, but like it, there's no fun to it, there's no flair. And that was a big problem they're saying with the trailer, because the trailer, you're seeing all these things, like, oh, it looks a bit like that, that looks like that, looks. Yeah, yeah. It's like Star Wars, but no light saying. Or none of that stuff people hate, like, you know, Stormtroopers or Darth Vader. There's a cool guy called Don Solo and his sidekick called Jewie. Oh, well, John Carter.

Oh, the humidity up here in Mars is terrible. You should be writing space balls too. They love you. Oh, yeah, that's coming on. With John Candy's son. Oh, really? I believe so, yeah. John Candy.

Now, what kind of joke is there? John Sweet. No. I'll work on that. You talk for a while. I guess he'd be a junior mint. Fuck. Yeah, there we go.

Fuck. Yes. Boom. It's not fair. It's not fair. Would you prefer I say? I was just about to say that. Okay.

Fruit pastilles. That was a bit of our round trees randoms. See, they're not all good. Fuck. Even the ones you don't think are good. your throwaways are by A-level shit This is like Aberdeus Sick reference, yeah, yeah

Thank you But, yeah, so it's just like so boring And like, like Taylor Kish, he doesn't have anyone A playoff, that's what, he just goes to Mars on his own And it's just all CGI aliens, okay? Like Michael Jordan and Space Jam, you know? But that did Bugs Bunny doing stuff These aliens just like, please help us

John Carter, you have the most charisma and the coolest guy. And, like, Taylor Kish, he's no one to bounce off, all right. Yeah. And, like, I don't want to sound like jealous or anything, but like, I mean, he's, he looks good, all right. Yeah. It looks like just this, put a model. Just a pretty boy. Yeah.

And even, like, there's bits where he has to do stuff. Like, he's in, like, a little kind of, like, he's in shorts or right down. He has to lift the thing, you know? It's like, I think we're supposed to be, like, look how strong he is. I'm just thinking, like, I can, well, that's probably just made a fucking cardboard. Styrofoam. That's not. that boulder is not real, you know?

Yeah, yeah. I think because it's all shot in the studio, I think even, like, the cinematographer said this afterwards, it's very hard to make it feel real. There's all this stuff where, like, he's hanging on and things and, like, stuff flying around.

It's just very clearly fake, like, yeah. Just the way the hair's not moving right or anything. Right, okay. Like, I was amazed by how expensive it was. If you told me the budget got cut half of the true, I believe it, but it's quite the opposite.

It put loads of money into this. And it still looks shit. Yeah. I'm just trying to think, like, I can't, really gauge Taylor Kitch as an actor because I've only ever seen him in bad things.

Like he was in True Detective Season 2 which wasn't great. I didn't think he was particularly bad in it though. No worse than anyone else. I mean, but that's not exactly what an actor wants to hear. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, Taylor, you weren't don't jump. You weren't terrible. You weren't Vince Vaughn. Yeah.

And I like Vince Vaughn, but you know, that was... But here's thing, could Taylor Kish do dodgeball? I don't think so, no. Could Taylor Kish say, show me the money. No, that's not him. You're so, show me the money.

Yeah, he was also in that show, Painkiller, but that was shied as well about the opioid crisis, about the Sacklers and all. Okay. See, there was dope sick with Michael Keaton,

which I heard was good. I heard that was good as well. I heard that was the show all the cool kids are watching. But you're trying to be different. Yeah, I don't watch that shit. I'm watching painkiller, man. with my man Peter Berg

But you can't kill the pain inside me Correct But we're just back to this for a minute Okay Yeah yeah So it's a big failure This movie, okay Obviously like I said

And Andrew Stanton Has his tail between his legs He goes back to Pixar And he does like You know He makes He does a lot of stuff To like easy money

You used to be the janitor at Pixar No But he has to like Toy Story 5 And I say haste he's making fuck tons of money and finding Dory Probably getting his balls licked

on an island right now by some big titted lady who's dressed up like Dory He calls his penis Nemo Go on love Finding Nemo Well I'm dear

I'm being like I feel bad for you You ruined a good name of John Carter I'm surprised You've been able to live With yourself this log Oh yeah

All the money And hoars and drugs and fame and luxury you think that makes you happy do you? No, wrong Well, I got something you don't have I forget now Not self-respect

per se or the Adoration of one's peers Or love Do you have a car? Oh you do Is it Hyundai I-10 that stops because I'm night driving It's called

I-10 that's not the name of a car it's the name of a phone you're driving a phone your phony car oh sorry I don't need this but just to finish up in this

now a second all right so Andrew Stanton he's back at it that's why I watched the film he's directed another live action movie that apparently he's gone way over budget and Disney have no idea

what to do with it it was shot two years ago oh and it still hasn't come out yeah and I was looking up like I was like oh it's a big budget film what's it going to be. So it's about the Big Bang.

Sure. Yeah. That's a simple, you can make that work. It's a science fiction epic of it, The Big Bang, has set during multiple different time periods and stuff, starring Kate McKinnon and Rashida Jones. What the absolute fuck.

Yeah. Guaranteed moneymaker, yeah. This guy, you know, he's clear, low, he's some kind of like crazy left-wing, anarcho-capitalist He wants to burn all the, burn the system down, you know. It is like a Brewster's Million situation.

Yeah. Okay, how about this? It's a $300 million movie starring, um, who we got here? Gary Beauty. It's Kate McKinnon, ad Kate McKinnon playing two roles. Like Tom Hardy doing the craze. We're making the craze again, but it's science fiction craze. Um, but yeah, so like, I'm interested to see what's going to happen there.

This guy's... That sounds like... like awful. I know you're excited. That sounds really. Kate McKinnon. That's like somebody put all, like got a very sophisticated algorithm with all the things that I hate the most.

Like who, how would you even watch a film about the Big Bang? It's like, what? Make it worse. Yeah, they're making a $500 million movie based on Nanette. Yeah. And it's all motion capture. It's Kate McKinin and Amy Schumer.

And you have to watch it. I'd like that actually It sounds pretty good Where is Hannah Gadsby now We don't really hear from her anymore You won't Yeah Okay

It took a little trip Yeah Made her take a long walk Off a short plank Anyway I'm going to talk with Lost King in a minute A film that's terrible Good

I'm talking about two terrible films Oh much time Oh god Talk for me Vamp All right I'll vamp so I'm vamping

what does that mean to vamp just to like talk shit stretch our time or what's the etymology of you achieved it

thank you right there yeah it was like a Bill Burr podcast right there all these fucking losers

who were like okay so I went over to Saudi Arabia it was great they had a chucky cheese it was fantastic

yeah I do like that kind I like the way they're fighting back on that now you're actually racist. People have already forgotten about it. Like, who gives a shit?

Yeah. I won't. Never forget. Like 9-11. Yeah. You're said it caused? You're dead to me, Bill Burr. All my F is for family DVDs is burn, him out and the skip.

Is that done that show? Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, it's still in my heart. But anyway, so, I watched two terrible films. I didn't have time to watch more Gilmore Girls. I want to watch more Gilmore Girls. Oh, yeah.

You are binging the Gilmore Girls there, won't you? Loving it. it's changed my life It has Completely And I'm just talking like this Are we talking like this? Let's talk like this

Okay Oh he's a good guy He's a cute guy Well let's see how cute he is Mr. cute guy Let's just keep talking And talking and talking to talking And none of it makes any sense

And it's all gibberish I like that Because I can't talk fast And when I talk It doesn't make sense a lot of times Or listen fast I'm just slow in general But when I hear those women talk

It's kind of like I'm one of them And it's kind of like I'm part of the Gilmore I'm the Gilmore Yeah, and That's what they called you in school They'll accept me

Yeah, yeah But if we look So real quick, The Lost King is A reunion of Steve Coogan And I think his name is Jeff Pope Okay

They did Philomena To get it Oh yeah Philomena was a big hit Oscar nominated all that With him Almost as big as John Carter Yes

So they came back with the next film The Lost King Have you ever heard of Lost King? No It's really bad, okay? Well, the reason why I watched it is just, I think, yesterday, Steve Coogan had to pay substantial damages for his film. Oh.

Yeah, it was a big legal case. And Steve Coogan, he's going to be doing a lot of Alan Patridge in the future. He's going to be asking Rob Brighton for money. Like, come on, let's do another trip. But I don't have a car. So... It'll be us on the bus going to Epping. Come on.

You could do your Michael Cain. So it's about this woman, all right? I'll talk about the legal case in a minute. Okay, yeah. It's this woman in England. Crick teasing me there. This woman in England, okay, and she works in the office, and she has a, what do you call it, like chronic fatigue syndrome, all right?

Yeah. And there's a lot of people who don't believe it's real. Okay. All right. Like doctors. Don't see that. A lot of doctors don't believe it's real. I'm not saying I agree with them, I think, but.

I'll tell you, you're like the boss in this. There are some doctors who don't believe fibromyalgia is real, you know? Yeah. Well, I've no opinion on it. I actually hate this woman so much. I actually don't believe women full stop now because of her, okay? Yeah. When it comes to diseases.

Uh, yeah. So the point is, she's a woman who works in his office. I like some dumb job. And there's a big fat manager there, right? All right, like, yeah. I'm going to hand out some promotions. Hey, he wants you? So I'm going to give it to.

oh lovely little oh little booby I didn't say that all right but I'm going to give it to lovely Stanley oh hello you okay

and then the other woman there what's her name again I'm just going to call her Margaret alright yeah but they don't give it to Margaret and Margaret's like

you didn't promote me because I've got my chronic fatigue syndrome my disability I can down love yeah I didn't do it Hey, cop yourself, oh, you hozy, bitch. My ears of chronic fatigue syndrome

every time you start yapping, oh, fucking hell. You'd give a fucking aspirin an headache. Do you know that? Shut your fucking noise up. You slag, you slag. Yeah, so she's all like, whee-hoo, I'm sleepy. Okay. Go on, cry yourself to sleep and shut the fuck up.

Yes. So that's where the boss is betrayed in the film. and in real life the guy who was her boss like that wasn't boss like at all I didn't hire her because there's other people who are way more qualified and need their longer There's a true story

Yeah Oh my God Oh yeah sorry I should have stressed that yeah So that's why Steve Coon had to pay all that money Oh because they portray the boss As being like basically a sexist And being like you know

Anti-disability and all that I always thought they could kind of get around that With saying this is based on or you think that Yeah this is is actually one of the first instances that happened because he was like, this has affected my career so much, I need to be reimbursed. Oh, okay. And apparently it was like, I

love to find, it's one of those things where the payout is not disclosed. Yeah, yeah. But it said that this is like big money here, you know, like, like, basically like, um, way, like probably way, way more than the budget of the film itself. Right. Okay.

We're talking like, um, we're talking like John Carter money. Right, right. Um, so this woman, okay, she basically quits her job, but doesn't tell her ex-husband. Her ex-husband is Steve Coogan, and they've got two kids. Even though they're divorced, they got raised the kids together, you know? Right. And he's like, oh, I know you're unhappy with your job, love, but like,

you know, we got these kids and, you know, we both need working here and support the kids, you know? I can't do it my salary, you're alone. She's like, yeah, don't worry, I won't leave my job, but she has left a job already. Right. So she goes to see a Shakespeare play, Richard III. Okay. And this is so fucking stupid. she sees Richard 3rd and Richard Terr's a humpback

He's disabled He's a gimposite Well he's I wouldn't say He's disabled though right She said Oh he's disabled I'm disabled as well We're like kindred spirits

And she starts seeing visions Of Richard A 3rd everywhere Okay And then this is mental She's then she joins the Richard 3rd society Okay All these cool guys look like me

Yeah Yeah, we love Richard the Third and we hang around and chat about him, all right? And there's these rumours that Richard Third was buried in, like, Leicester. Oh, yeah, we're... Don't ruin it. Sorry. Oh, yeah, you're right. You're on the right board, though, yeah.

So basically, this woman found the body of... Right. Yeah. In, like, it was like a Sainsbury's car park. Exactly, in a car park, all right? How dignified. Which is an interesting story, but they make it so stupid where I don't believe in real life the spirit of Richard a turd led her.

to... Oh, is that what they do in the film that it needs? It helped her go all through these documents and find out where he was buried

and that helped her to confront and challenge ideas on disability and chronic fatigue syndrome. And ableism. Yeah, exactly. Right. So

she finds them, okay? And also, all the academics is filmed like, A bloody woman. Interesting history. I've never Yeah, yeah, okay.

This isn't a bloody cosmopolitan magazine. These are historical records, okay? There's no bloody agony ad section here. Be gone with you. Go rid your horoscope, you awful woman. Yeah, it just feels so fucking stupid and silly. And eventually she finds, they dig him up eventually, okay? And she gets all the credit, you know?

Like, fair fuck to her, but like, you know, whatever, I don't care. But then at the end, she will, you know, whatever, I don't care. meet King Henry the third was actually the actor and the start you know the play it started oh right right right yeah and she's like he's a

oh I don't know what you mean my name's Paul right well thank you anyway yeah and then like he turns around like he actually is King Henry sorry King Richard he's King Henry he's King Richard

yeah oh another thing is like she's such a fucking dumb fucking dummy in this all right even stuff like so eventually Steve Coogan finds out she hasn't mean in work in like two weeks Yeah, yeah

She's going around car parks looking for the remains of Richard the third When I get caught in the car park in night I'm like, I'm looking for a Richard She's got a metal detector Just so she could find some hump backbones Buried in the ground

But it's so fucking weird The way it's done Steve Coon's like I hear that you haven't been working Like two weeks What's going on? You're all right I'm looking for Richard

who Richard what Richard the third what do you mean I'm saying I'm looking for Richard

hey when I heard you were searching for dick I didn't know this is what you were talking about come on oh did she actually talk like that did she have to like space it out so much could you have to say like I'm looking for the body Richard turd they make her seem insane in this

right okay yeah I thought this is awful, this is shit, and a lot of people agreed, and it led to Steve Coogan paying out a lot of money. You should try to take a court case against him, because he wasted your time. You know what, there was a case a bit like this about yesterday. Whoa. Yeah, because... Wish I could have got it on that. Well, yesterday shot some scenes with Anna da Aramis, I believe.

Oh. And she appears in the trailer. but doesn't appear in the movie. Okay. Yeah. So a guy actually sued the production company because he said that I'm an Anna Darmus fan. Aren't we all?

Right? I went, I paid my money to see her. I didn't see her. False advertising. Danny Boyle, give me my fucking money. Did he get any money? I think he'd gotten out of court, you know, like... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She'll send you a picture of her feet. Done. Don. Pretty good. I'm looking out here, yeah. Yeah. got the best attorneys. Yeah, so I watched that and also real quick.

How much time do you have left? I was going to talk about Sophie's choice, but that could take a while. What it? Oh, of course. Why? I know, it won't actually. It's very quick.

Yeah, we've got another like 10 minutes. Real quick. I'll tell you what, two things, all right? All right. So, have you ever heard of a comic book called Slane? No. Okay, so, yeah, cheer up. All right?

There's a comic book called Slane by Pat Mills, all right? And the whole thing is it's Conan but set in Irish mythology Conan the Barbarian Yeah, okay But it's all Irish stuff

It's all like Tierna Ogh and the Cochullen and swans The Children of Lear Oh yeah, yeah So that, let's be honest Not very good stuff, is it? The salmon of knowledge Yeah, all the stories of Ireland

Don't really have that like Heroes Journey, don't have that Tree Act structure, right? A lot of them were just kind of stupid, like yeah and the kids all turn the swans and then he licked the fish and he fell off a horse and he grew old

the end I'm not to hang on to it be hard to turn into a movie I get you but I need to do more research in this because I was reading a bit of it there I was just bored okay I was like oh I'll learn about

you know Irish history so in this slaying is a big warrior okay and he worships Danu Danu is the earth god okay and he's a warrior

of Danu and he has the warp gasm the warp gasm yeah yeah and that's what great Irish men have all right and that's you go warp gas

it's like you Hulk out all right yeah so let's say like I'm fighting like 50 men and I'm like oh god I don't know if I can do this because another 50 coming warp gasm and then you kind of go like

the Tasmanian devil right and your eyes are bulging out your head So, like, when you're in Tesco and there's a nine-year-old autistic child having a meltdown, it's like, don't worry, madam, he's having a warp-gasm. I'll take care of him. I'm like, gasm as well. And I don't think that's part Irish mythology.

I don't think, I've never heard of warp-gasm or orgasm. Neither of them exist. Those women are lying. Women can't warp-gasm. I'm speaking of orgasms, real quick. I watched Sophie's Choice Speaking of You want good jerking material

Let me tell you Well honestly I couldn't not believe How bad this film is And how offensive it is So I always thought Sophie's choice It was like a Holocaust movie All right No

It's a movie about Kevin Klein So Kevin Klein It's like the 40s wherever And he stays in his house There's a couple upstairs That bang so hard The chandeliers rocking like just like the

fucking ceiling's going to fall down all right? She's having on a warp gas on. Yeah, she is, yeah. Oh, you're like Irish mythology missed, do you? So they're banging upstairs

and it turns out it's like Helen no, Merrill Streep and some other fella all right. And they're like a real kind of like toxic relationship. You know, they argue

real loud and they fuck even louder. You know, they're always fighting and he has the huts for Merrill Streep. Of course. Straight away. And like,

she's like this Polish immigrant I have to say in fairness to her she sounds pretty Polish I looked up on Reddit and everyone's like she good job the old Polish there you know yeah so they've got this toxic relationship and he hangs out with them and he starts

become friends with them he's like a third wheel all right and the majority of the film is about that right okay and then there's about a 20 minute maybe less section where we get her whole backstory

yeah and that's the whole thing we all know about all right where she has two kids one's going to go in the chamber she lets the daughter go not the son right and then it's real classic Oscar stuff where she's one she's doing it all in Polish and she's like you know widdered in the camps and all that yeah lost weight you know

the academy loves that kind of body transformation stuff sure but then we just so you know the story okay famous thing like give up your fucking kid yeah the Nazi officer says you can only take one child with you. Yeah. So her choice is which child to take. The crazy thing is she's telling this to Kevin Klein

and Kevin Klein is horny. Yeah. And after that he fucks her. Legend. He fucks her. He's just like, God, that's such a cool story. Hey, you two kids, I see you're two melons, you know? So they have sex, all right? And then he wakes up and there's a note

and it's like, you know, oh, we had this night, okay, but I've just I'll never be happy. I'll always remember what I did and to survive and the loss of my daughter and all that and he goes to their room okay and her and her boyfriend they've committed suicide together

taking sign I and died and Kevin Klein's like well at least I smashed The end Yeah Real happy end It just drives off then yeah That was my summer vacation

Oh fuck of I could not believe it at all Yeah, I've never met anyone It's actually watched that film Also, the way it's shot Is very like Poor, it's shot pretty poor Like, it's real kind of like

I'll have the camera here and you're going to act Right, and I would say tone it down a bit Merrill Streep's one thing But everyone's so like, you know, right in the camera And I Everyone just says how they feel And does like these big kind of monologs and stuff And it's just real like a play I suppose

Okay. Is it based on a play or? I don't think it is, actually. Even if it is, you know, you're supposed to change. Change up about it. Yeah, yeah. Plays are shy. Yeah, yeah. All work and no play. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Well, there you go. That's my review. Two thumbs down. Merrill's all right. Yeah. Someone made a good point about Merrill Street where she's very good, but she lacks a little bit of a, like a, It's almost like a watch, you know, it's very precise, but it lacks a little bit of, like, a, I don't know, a kookiness or a chaos or like a personality or something. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's something kind of... It's hard. You can never really recognise yourself in any of her characters, you know?

The whole selling point of like, oh, she becomes these characters or whatever like that. But a lot of times at movie stars, you kind of want, you know, you want Matt Damon to be Matt Damon. Yes, yeah. I don't want to see Matt Damon playing a Polish woman. no I mean he could imagine that him and Ben Affleck are back yeah he's a Polish woman janitor yeah I don't know

something about Merrill Streep has always struck me as kind of unpersonable or something it's just something that I can't quite connect with detached as well yeah yeah almost like she's not human

really yeah it's kind of like an AI kind of thing I don't get any kind of sense of who she is and like she's banging Martin Short though Really? Yeah, they're dating Oh

And I don't mean like Just like fuck buddies Yeah I was chatting to him And he says this is serious Does he ever fuck her And the Jiminy Glick Get up you know

Oh you're sucking my dick You suck him back dick Why are you sucking my dick Do you enjoy my dick Oh you love my dick You love my dick You love my dick in your mouth In your ass don't you

She should be so lucky That'd be amazing Yeah Lucky old I love Jiminy Click I've said that many times before Well apparently they're like a very sweet couple Everyone says that they're pretty good together

You know And of course he had his wife died Oh what happened her I think she's cancer something like that There's a really awkward interview where His wife I don't know her name now But I think she's kind of well known

In those world In those kind of Hollywood world Okay And there's an into like a red carpeting Someone's talking to Martin Shorty And how's your wife doing And she's been dead for like five years He's like, yeah, yeah, she's good, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we love your wife the way she's alive, yeah. Alive and kicking, oh boy. Full of spunk, pissing vinegar and no cancer. Yeah. Oh, good. That's the thing we like the most about her. She's no cancer. Martin Short's great.

Jiminy Glick, very funny, you know. He's a national treasure and my personal hero. Oh, you know what's so annoying. I watched The Simpsons go to Israel. Oh. Don't have time to talk about it? I'm sure we do.

Ah, that's fuck it. I don't know where to be, you know. This, I... See, I actually watched this when it came out in 2010, this episode. Of course you did, with her little Yamaca. Yeah, I was like, woo! No, I watched it because Sasha Barron Cohen is in this episode. Right.

I remember thinking like, whoa. They got Bora in the Simpsons. The dictator himself? Yeah. Hang on to your hat's dead. My dad was like, leave me alone. So I watch this episode. all right and it's funny how in 2010 like Israel isn't well it was a big deal you know

but it's just like it like you could this was this went by without any kind of controversy really you know well from the mainstream obviously I'm sure people didn't like it but all the mainstream I'm like what a lovely episode oh that bar just really uh eat my shorts indeed so it starts off it's Ned Flanders uh is trying to do like a little prayer group I will say one weird thing you know where Simpsons normally to start off at one thing and the change direction completely. Yes, yes. It's like they go to a book festival

and next thing you know, they're in Mexico and Homer's running a restaurant. Yeah, yeah, and he's in a rock band or something, you know. So this one is just literally, Ned is trying to do like a Bible study group all right.

Right. With the usuals, you know, the love joys and all that. Yeah. Dr. Hibbert. Rod and Todd. Yeah, all that, you know. And then Homer's outside

being like a, wow, being a weird and being a jerk, all right? Sure. And Ned is like, I got to try and save Homer, I'm going to bring him to Israel. Hmm. Okay, so this

goes straight to Israel. No messing around at all, right? And the one joke to maybe laugh and the whole thing is like in the airport, says welcome to Israel, your American tax dollars at work. Ah, that's good. Yeah, that's something at least, all right? Yeah. So the land in Israel

and they immediately meet the guest star Sasha Barrett Cohen plays the kind of wacky tour guide, the Israeli tour guide. And they give Sasha a lot of way. Okay. A lot of him

just doing like, he's kind of like, oh, okay, well, yeah, go over here, like hummus,

what, you know, he's like, uh, you can tell he's like, freestyling it, you know? Right,

okay. In fact, the material's so good, the end credits is just him, uh, as the character talking. Oh. Yeah,

so you're getting your bang for your book here. Right, okay. And yeah, again, like he, like, there's one bit where March,

like, isn't Israel dangerous? No, it's actually safest country in the world. Mm-hmm. Okay. Oh, gee, thank you.

Now I feel better. Will there be any Muslims? Do you need a lozenge or something? You sound terrible, my dear. Oh, my God. And I wanted to see if there's knocking on any more jokes or anything about this stuff. Very few jokes about Israel's self. It's more as like, you know, Homer is a fat doofist doing stuff.

The whole joke is like Homer, like, they see something like, oh this is where Jesus you know walked to the stations across and Homer's like wow cool they got Domino's pizza ah

you know stuff like that or does he go to the wailing wall and rub his dick and balls on it that'd be pretty funny wouldn't it funny you in the writer's room what's wrong with that

come on what the fucking FCC got a problem with me I can't smoke in here it's not tobacco don't worry So they kind of go around They walk around a bit

Has anyone ever pissed on the whaling wall? Oh definitely yeah Yeah Yeah Well in this You look at wishes in the wailing wall Oh really? Yeah they put a little scrunch of the paper

And put it in the wall Could you please stop bombing my village? Nope Yeah We'll crumple that one up But guess what Is it so wild The Wailing Wall

Guess who starts skateboarding on it No way No way Dude It's not Lisa You cannot do Oh, my God. Cowabunga, dude.

Eat my shorts. So, Bart's on the wall, like skating around the place, you know? But then there's a little girl there, all right? And she goes, Kraft McGrath. And she stops Bart. And she's like, oh, I'm Israeli. I know Crab McGraw. Best fighting style in the world.

All Israeli women know it. And Bart's like, wow, it's really cool. Israel's a pretty sweet place. And the end. Yeah. That's all you need. That's all you need. We don't need to sully the message with any silly little jokes or skits.

Oh, you know, one weird joke actually that I was like, what a bit? You know, so there's one weird joke where the tour guide, Sachs Brown Cohen, is like, oh, you know, it's crazy here, you know, uh, uh, you want a Muslim tour guide? That would be boring. Hey, I kill three Ugandans. Hmm. So he killed three Ugandans in a, that's a reference to, uh, I think, what's it called, Mbibi? You know that hostage thing? Vaguely.

Yeah, it was in Uganda. I think the PLO landed a plane in Uganda's a hostage thing. I believe Benjamin Beebe's, I think, like, nephew was in before he got shot in the head, I think. No, did Netanyahu have a little cabio in this? I wish, you know? That would be great. Like, you know what Tony Blair was in the English episode? Yeah, yeah.

Oh my God, it's Benjamin Netanyahu. Hello, Lisa Simpson. how about what would you say now what Benji say would you like a duff Homer this guy's all right

and how about a donut kosher doughnut Hamas want to get rid of your donuts we got to kill them all in the crib dough so the big joke then is Homer gets lost out in the desert and he gets Jerusalem syndrome

what's that it's a real thing all right it's actually named the mark marron book as well so you should you should know it oh i feel stupid yeah jerusalem city is a real documented uh psychological thing all right where people who go to the holy land think they're the messiah really happens a lot people i don't know what it is maybe it's just all the history and all that people kind of uh lose their minds a little bit wow and think like it's a it's a common enough thing it's got his own name, all right. It's pretty cool. Maybe I'll I wouldn't mind that. I'd put a bit of pep in your step. I get that walking

on O'Connell Street. If you thought you were the Messiah, you know, it would be really tragic. I think I'm the Messiah, but I still just lie around watching Netflix. Yeah, I'll save the world at some point, but oh, grown-ups three just came out. Well, I gotta

watch that. I'll wait till scream seven. Then I'll cure cancer. Yeah. If I feel like it. So Homer gets to ruse. syndrome and then he starts his own religion based on chicken huh because it's like some you eat pork some you don't

but we all love chicken and the Muslims the Jews like hey it's pretty cool but then the joke is then like Seymour's mother thinks she's the Messiah and Dr. Hibber thinks he's Messiah so they all think they're Messiah and they're getting a plane

they're going to a plane home and they're all they're all the Messiah but Ned is like Homer, out of all the false messias today, I think you were the best. Thanks, neighbor. Nice.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Palestinians are evil. Yeah, so that's... Well, sounds awful. Let's stick it on. Nah, I'm all right, thanks. That's the wrong answer. Let's try that again.

All right. Well, I don't know. man the new simpsons it's just I don't know it's hard to watch uh you're right

no you're right yeah it's it's bad is simsons too the movie yeah I didn't like the first Simpsons movie yeah spider pig

go fuck yourself man all right live in the real world for fucks no I don't know it just didn't do it for me I didn't uh you know

I don't know about you what did you like the first one did you it's your favorite ever no it didn't actually yeah you have a tattoo of Bart's penis on your actual penis it's a bit odd isn't it that bit in the movie that's very weird yeah oh you got a problem with it do you

well yeah kind of it's a bit weird prude yeah it is a bit weird isn't it yeah it's funny they're like what can we do we can do anything in the movie we want we gotta show Bart's penis for years I've been pitching this

that's kind of the only thing they do in the movie that they couldn't have done in an episode it's like the entire reason for the movie was this show

Bart's penis what can they do in the sequel then show like well I don't know why but I'm going to cut that out in the interest of a quality

I'm going to cut that out I don't know why even though we technically haven't done anything illegal all right then well then you're right what could they do I want to be stated that James said that.

You cut it out then, I don't care. I'm going to cut it out, but I'll leave this part in. Cut it out at exactly 11-11. Yeah. All the ones. That's a synchronicity, Brian. I will look, we'll wrap it up there. I'm going to be sleepy.

Okay. Should I have a monster. I won't sleep for days now. Can you just spit your monster in my mouth, like a baby bird? You can drink my piss. Can I So what's going on with you James For the rest of the

I don't know It's much to be working tomorrow But then they're cutting my overtime hours So that's good No probably not Oh way yeah Yeah Well you have less rent to pay these days

Well don't be Don't let the text Make sure you cut that out too You're going to be cutting any end Fucking old Brian cabbage hat over here Have ever heard that term cabbage hat? Never no It's like an old

Does it mean I'm a slick character? No, it means you're a grass. I'm not sure what the etymology of. It was like an old London cockney thing. Oh, you bloody cabbage, ha?